Black-Ish (2014) - Season 1 Edit

A boy about to become a man

A doctoral candidate in American history

A game we all hated,

A kid in the bathroom asked me if I wanted to buy a police car.

A little heads up next time would be great, Candace.

A long time ago.

A quadruple ass whupping?

A sensible, intelligent conversation with my son.

About everything I just said.

About everything that you told me yesterday about...

About how when I get home, I'm gonna whip your behind.

About the difference between jam and jelly.

Africa.

After hearing that back in my head,

After I show you all the very cool stuff that I do here,

After work.

Ah. No problem.

Ah. The lessons have already begun.

Aimed at kids who are too young

Ain't nobody got time for that!

All I know is that you lower your voice and sound serious.

All of it.

All of you are getting an ass whupping if Jack isn't in my room in five minutes.

All right, despite the fact that your mother thinks I'm uptight.

All right, I'll do it.

All right, kind of quick. Rodent fast.

All right, look, I'll meet you upstairs in an hour.

All right, player. I'm pumping.

All right, well, let's go into...

All right, you can't do this to me. Do you understand?

All right, you need to pump your brakes.

All right? Hey, don't worry.

All right? The kid needs it.

All right? You just spray it in the air like that.

All right.

All right.

All right. Hey, no, no, no, no, no.

All right. Just knock first.

All right. No need to apologize.

All right. Um...

All right. Yeah, let's go get comfortable.

All this rigmarole is aggravatin' the headaches...

All this stuff down here stopped working a long time ago.

All weapons to use against Mom when you're killing her with cuteness.

All your picks.

Also probably a rodent.

Always. Starts and ends with the old fam o.

Am I going to dry some dishes?

Am I gonna fry some bacon?

Am I gonna whip up some eggs?

Am I standing under a vent?

An array of belts...

An ass is an ass is an ass is an ass.

And a double dapper, but who cares?

And above all else, never make direct eye contact.

And all I had to do to make her feel better

And all those clothes aren't gonna protect you.

And be careful with the frosting.

And bye, kid who rides to school with me

And communicating openly with your kids

And for God's sake, put some shoes on.

And for Junior, nerd is the new black.

And get out without help?

And have a baby with it and buy adjoining burial plots.

And he's got all three pair of Yeezys.

And how do you know this?

And how to navigate urban terrain, double boom.

And HR says if I occasionally ask about your personal lives,

And I ain't about to have you being mad at me for not making you try this.

And I cried like Whoopi in Color Purple.

And I did.

And I do it pretty good.

And I don't want anything bad to happen to him.

And I got nothing. Nothing!

And I hated it.

And I will not be ignored.

And if you want, I can fill it out, 'cause I've got it down to a science.

And introduce my new alter ego, Pancake Guy.

And it could be the doctor's fault,

And it kind of burns off my working mom guilt.

And it winked right at me.

And listen to my T.D. Jakes tapes by myself and...

And now I have a lot more time to enjoy myself.

And now it's chaos all up in the drawer.

And solve something for us?

And some of the best lessons you'll ever learn

And that guy with coyote bites? Sweet!

And that I have a very helpful husband.

And that, people, is the power of creative rebranding.

And that's $ 7 million in revenue.

And that's not a thing.

And that's why the kids come to me.

And the beauty of it is you're never safe.

And the beginning usually starts with someone acting a complete ass.

And the belt was black!

And then dads do one little thing and people go crazy.

And then I monitor their vitals

And then I will light that ass up.

And then it happened.

And then there's four years of med school,

And then there's Jack.

And then three years of...

And then you're here in two seconds when I accidentally steal a clutch?

And then, out of no place, pop! For no good reason.

And there is only one key, and I have it.

And they feel like you ain't never wore these before.

And this country is losing ground because we're no longer spanking.

And wait outside.

And we need to follow through.

And we wear the same size! Huh?

And wear the same thing to work every day.

And what?

And who some may think resembles me,

And you are a control freak.

And you are trying to get credit for...

And you didn't even get that far into the week.

And you don't do a whole lot.

And you know how much I love crustaceans.

And you need to let them know, "I see you, bruh."

And you never...

And you said if you spanked him, you would go into labor!

And you said sometimes people die,

And you walk through it.

And you're being all crazy with it,

And you're not gonna like it, either.

And you're not wearing socks?

And you're wearing a cape in this one.

And you're...

And, because I'm a doctor,

And, believe it or not, Charlie had a pretty interesting take.

And, if all else fails, relocation.

And?

Anyway, I need to go to my very cool job,

Anyway, what should I do?

Apology for what?

Apples with applesauce? Chips in the fridge?

Are we talking raw, uncut Biggie black

Are you hand grinding cornmeal?

Are you kidding? I don't know how not to do it.

Are you looking for hiding places right now?

Are you trying to get credit for simply loading the dishwasher?

Aren't you gonna take your shirt off?

As a baby waving "hi."

As a man scrunching up his face

As he was engaged...

Aw, come here to pa pa, baby boy.

Awesome!

Awesome.

Babe, are you not seeing what I'm seeing?

Babe, how could you keep me out of the sex talk loop?

Babe, I had the sex talk with our son, shirt off.

Babe, that is ridiculous!

Babe, they're like two baked apples just lying on my face.

Babe, this entire box is filled with your hair experiments.

Babe, you wouldn't believe how they turned on me

Babe...

Baby, I think you're confusing "pimp" with "player."

Baby, maybe he got snatched. I mean, people are crazy.

Baby! How much did you see?

Basically, just me.

Because he's always in his room with the door closed.

Because I don't think you can say these things to a child.

Because I was so excited about you telling me

Because I'm free.

Because it was in the packet that Ms. Davis sent home.

Because somebody said that I couldn't do it,

Because that's gonna be your wingman.

Because we said that we would punish him,

Because you're the spanker, Dre.

Before I go in there and sc**** the boogers off Jack's headboard.

Being here will teach you

Black 'cause it's a somber occasion?

Black people gardening.

Blah, blah, "significant risk."

Body spray. Bad name. All right?

Boom!

Boom! Filled out those health forms for you.

Boom.

BOTH: Yass, Gaga, yass!

Bow had free time to enjoy herself,

Bow is being a mom.

Bow is being unreasonable, man.

Bow was attempting a little social engineering of her own.

Bow, get the other children.

Bow, I can't do it again.

Bow, the nod is on the same primal level

BOW: Babe!

BOW: But that's not the point.

BOW: I had to!

BOW: I thought our son was gone!

BOW: Okay.

BOW: One more than me.

BOW: You're not listening to me!

Boy, that is not the real Harriet Tubman!

Bring tissues.

But as hard as it's been to get credit for those things,

But as the next minute and 37 seconds will show,

But at Dad's job, they actually wrestle people.

But at least I knew Bow was standing strong.

But he was a'ight.

But I also felt inadequate.

But I am not embarrassed by the fact that I'm gonna whip my son's ass.

But I am whupping my son's ass tonight.

But I can't hurt his feelings by telling him that.

But I don't know him.

But I downloaded him on what was going on with me and Junior

But I feel like things are gonna get crazy down there.

But I hear your mother coming down the stairs,

But I heard Dad's giving Junior "the talk."

But I think it's a good reminder to all of us

But I was desperate,

But I was gonna go for a third.

But I'm really sorry that

But I'm your daddy, son, and I'm here to keep it 100.

But if this is what it takes to get Junior a new black friend,

But in this case, he was right.

But is in no way related to me.

But Jack and I need two dozen cupcakes for school tomorrow.

But little did I know, there was a conspiracy afoot.

But next to him, you'll be Denzel Clooney Kodjoe Chestnut.

But no matter what your fight, you still need your community.

But no one can actually say so for sure.

But nobody knows your brother?

But only for the big stuff.

But the big stuff? I'm your guy.

But the other day, I actually cried afterwards,

But there's other stuff.

But when I come home from mine,

But yet you keep doing it.

But you didn't because you were crying so loud.

But you know what I realized last night?

But you're my little man, and it's terrifying.

But you're proud of me for trying.

But, baby, that's physically impossible.

But, for example,

But, specifically, what ways

By allowing off topic snacks and spreading misinformation.

By doing what's mandatory?

By the way, these health forms need to go in today,

By trying to get attention?

By yourself, you're beautiful.

Bye, Dad.

Called "Jack's missing and may be in a white van with no windows. "

Can we go now?

Can't argue with that.

Can't even invite kids back to your house

Can't that be a good thing?

Can't you just let that be a good thing?

Candace, you're better than this.

Charlie isn't for anybody.

Charlie Telphy. They just brought me on as the new account manager.

Charlie, how about you both come by for dinner?

CHARLIE: 'Sup, Dre?

Cheetos, chips, cheesy chips, and snickerdoodles.

Chupacabra, chupacabra.

Clogs and toe socks.

Clothes are for suckers.

Come in, Dad.

Come on.

Come on. Immediately!

Come on. We're going to your room.

Cool. We'll be there before 8:00.

Cotillions, special events, fundraisers, blah, blah, blah.

Could have been her bestie. Completely blew it, twice.

Could have made it a priority. Chose not to.

Could we please look at my baby pictures

Cray cray, right?

Crazy can get you out.

Credit hasn't always been the easiest thing for a black man to get,

Crying in the car,

Dad actually did it.

Dad, do we really have to do this?

Dad, do you mind if Mom takes us to school this morning?

Dad, I appreciate all this advanced dating advice,

Dad, no!

Dad, you walked right by me three times.

Dad's just gonna talk to you.

Daddy just went to college,

Daddy said I disappointed him!

Dads and moms have different roles for a very good reason.

Dads never make cupcakes.

Damn it, Jack!

Damn, Diane. I wish I had you when I divorced Grandma.

Damn.

Damn.

Dead man walking!

Deal! Come on, heads!

Definitely.

Definitely.

Definition of instant camaraderie.

Delete! Delete search history!

Diane is right. You are soft.

Diane, I'd like to talk to you

DIANE: Now we wait.

Diane's broken, and Junior telegraphs his passes.

Did you ask him? Something wrong with your neck, boy?

Did you beat your son yesterday?

Did you not hear me calling your name?

Do that. Lose what little dignity you have left.

Do the birdie down the hall!

Do the birdie!

Do the birdie! Come on!

Do the Sheneneh!

Do you know what's better than all this?

Do you realize we've gotten less attention in the last week

Do you understand?

Does this guy not know urinal protocol?

Doesn't make you Dr. Ruth.

Don't care. Autocorrect. Spelling is for suckers.

Don't get all caught up in this

Don't go in there, fool! There's an argument in there!

Don't know nobody, you know.

Don't think I didn't notice you re put away all the silverware.

Dre Johnson, the big SVP.

Dre, can I talk to you for a minute?

Dre, please do not turn this into yet another thing.

Dre, please.

Dre, we need a sensible method to find Junior some black friends

Dre, what are you doing?

DRE: After four days of hearing Junior's innermost sexual thoughts,

DRE: Ah...

DRE: And it was at that moment I realized

DRE: And mixed in with all those memories,

DRE: As Pops continued to make a strong case

DRE: Bow, calm down! BOW: Okay.

DRE: But every now and then, amidst the garbage,

DRE: But I may have accidentally opened a revolving door.

DRE: But some species struggle.

DRE: But the thing that always helps you through your struggle

DRE: Charlie may not have known all the urinal decorum,

DRE: Did you hear what she just said?

DRE: Even though I was resolute, forces were trying to break me down.

DRE: Every garage eventually turns into a family museum

DRE: Everyone's okay. Whew!

DRE: Funny thing about evolution,

DRE: Give me a minute to get things together.

DRE: He'd hidden again.

DRE: He's not even asking questions anymore,

DRE: Here comes another one.

DRE: Hey, guys, I'm glad you like my pancakes,

DRE: I could see she was upset,

DRE: I don't know if it was because he knew my pee face

DRE: I should've stopped right there.

DRE: I'm gonna fast forward

DRE: I'm gonna go ahead and fast forward again

DRE: I'm not one to keep an open mind or listen to people,

DRE: Meanwhile, I still needed to figure out how to help Junior,

DRE: Nice guy.

DRE: Not her.

DRE: Of course he hadn't.

DRE: Oh! If I had known that bringing in some cupcakes

DRE: Remember the ass I mentioned earlier?

DRE: So I had no support at work,

DRE: So I'll just do everything in my power

DRE: So it turns out, I had another tool in my arsenal

DRE: So, after a day of dishing out sweet knowledge to my boy,

DRE: So, as we came to the mutual agreement

DRE: So, I started to think that maybe I was making too big a deal

DRE: So, I was resolved to whup that boy.

DRE: So, no matter who you are or where you're at,

DRE: So, nobody was any help, Pops, my boss.

DRE: So, this is where we started.

DRE: So, while I was plotting my next move as an involved dad,

DRE: Stupid child molesters.

DRE: There's a supreme satisfaction a man attains

DRE: There's my boy.

DRE: This is me about to whup my son.

DRE: This is the right thing to do. Right?

DRE: To put it mildly,

DRE: Turns out, the cat was out of the cradle,

DRE: Wait. I can't wear this.

DRE: Was I a monster?

DRE: What are you doing?

DRE: What do you think the dressing rooms are for?

DRE: What...

DRE: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's stop right here.

DRE: Wow.

Dre! Dre!

Dre! What's up, baby?

Dre... This has gone too far.

Dry some tears? (CHUCKLES)

Duh.

Dummy did it again, man.

During the procedure

Emancipation, extrication,

Especially being married.

Especially no black people.

Especially the butt thing. Basic black.

EUSTACE: You are?

Even in the most extreme of circumstances,

Even the butt thing?

Even when I'm a bad mom, I'm a great mom.

Even you, Diane? You're my twin.

Ever since a slave owner hit me in the head

Every day.

Every time I got ready to throw it out, you'd do something stupid.

Everyone can't be Cupcake Man.

Everything is exactly where it's supposed to be.

Everything shut down.

Everything you need to know about the struggle.

Everywhere I went, people were bringing the love.

Exactly. Hmm.

Excuse me!

Excuse me?

Executive washroom.

Family first here at Stevens & Lido.

Fatty.

Finally, son, when it comes to movie dates,

Fine, I'll whup all four of you.

First in her class?

Five strangers coming together to form one team.

Fly outfits, boom.

Fold some clothes.

For attacking Harriet Tubman?

For delicious snacks anymore.

For me, Day 2 of stepping up had not gone as planned.

For the rehearsal of a Nike commercial.

For the rehearsal of a Nike commercial.

For why he shouldn't be left alone with children,

Forks and spoons all willy nilly.

Free or not, hospital yogurt is not how I saw my day going.

From our "We're in the White House" party!

From the other person's perspective.

From, you know, saving lives and whatnot,

Full of forgotten treasures.

Gave her some generic advice in a deep, soothing voice.

Get him into surgery.

Give me some!

Giving your mother a break.

Go figure.

Go! Go!

Go.

God, I hate this. It's not who I am.

Good afternoon, chil'ren.

Good form. Good form, Junior.

Good Lord, that's horrible!

Good morning, everybody!

Good point, Pops.

Good talk, son.

Good thing they never lock it.

Got it.

Gotcha!

Gracias.

Great, so you taught our kid how to be a pimp?

Gross.

Guess who made authentic, hand ground corn bread.

Guys, that's like 300 Mississippis.

Handles out.

Hands on dad. Way to go, Dre.

Hang on, Dad. We're on the verge of a breakthrough.

Hard pass, man.

Harriet Tubman was not a spy.

Harriet, could you help a brother out over here

Has a different perspective on the struggle than you and Pops.

Has anyone seen Jack? I can't find him anywhere.

Hate to say I told you so.

Have a great day, sweetheart.

Have been the most open and honest we've ever had.

He came to you with this?

He has no boundaries.

He said there was something in his eye, and there was.

He shed that one tear like Denzel in Glory,

He should be. It's terrifying.

He showed us JPEGs of his rectal polyps.

He was all, "Oh, I'm in college now. Listen to how smart my mouth is."

He was even afraid he was gonna break it from doing it too much.

He was my favorite.

He was so cute, so, so full of promise.

He wide open. I could drop him off.

He'll be so jealous!

He'll be so jealous!

He's been doing that for a while.

He's been kidnapped!

He's like the chupacabra.

He's little. He's black. He's really cute!

He's not in the guesthouse.

He's not under the dining room table.

Heads, I win. Tails, you lose.

Hearing that validates the struggle of my entire journey.

Helen Mirren. Is that weird?

Hell, I didn't see him without his shoes on till I was 30.

Hell, kids don't even play with those anymore.

Her code name was "Moses."

Here he is, our son.

Here I am! You couldn't find me.

Here it comes!

Here we go. Look.

Here you go. Go get 'em! (CHUCKLES)

Hey, "best cupcakes ever."

Hey, babe, you know, that teacher was mean to me.

Hey, babies.

Hey, boys.

Hey, come here.

Hey, do you think we could talk about...

Hey, Dre. How's life?

Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late for a meeting that I'm running.

Hey, guys. What you doin'?

Hey, hey! What's happening, Dre?

Hey, hey. Hey. Charlie.

Hey, Jack's dad. What did you bring today?

Hey, Junior! Look what I found in the garage!

Hey, Mom.

Hey, not you.

Hey, Pops, how come you never gave me the talk?

Hey, Pops, we fought too hard for these kids.

Hey, Pops.

Hey, so, I was thinking really hard

Hey, son, why don't you go kick it with your new black friend, all right?

Hey, son! It's your father!

Hey, sweetie. Hi.

Hey, that's me!

Hey, there were shoes, there were hangers,

Hey, well, look, if you wanted to beat the boy so bad,

Hey, what about that dude?

Hey, what are you doing?

Hey, where'd they bring you from?

Hey, Zoey, I was... Okay.

Hey!

Hey!

Hey! I got it.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey. Eustace. It's time to go.

Hey. Relax.

Hey. So, the kids are busy, and I'm not doing anything,

Hey. You say you got a son?

Hey...

Hey...

Hi, me!

Hi, Mommy.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi. Cindee.

Hmm. You guys, go get your book bags.

Holding it di down over there.

How are you gonna tell me how I feel, man?

How did you go about giving him the talk?

How long do you have to go to school to be a doctor?

How long have you been in here?

How long is The Godfather?

How many White Russians have you had?

How messed up is that?

How the hell did we get here?

How's he doing? Is everything okay?

Huh!

Huh?

Huh. So, look at this, Dee. This is my workstation.

I accidentally walked in on Junior,

I actually miss doing the little things.

I ain't figured out which one it is yet, but it's gonna be...

I am blaming you for this! Bow, it's your fault!

I am not spanking him.

I am!

I am.

I appreciate everything that you do.

I calmly let the authorities at school know

I can bring home the bacon and wash out the pan.

I can do that.

I can hear you all the way out to the guest house,

I can still remember Junior's face the day I spanked him.

I can't believe I bought all this stuff for nothing.

I can't believe this is happening to me.

I can't even get Mom to comb my hair.

I can't take any more of Dad's pancakes.

I could do that standing on my head.

I could go talk to Mom.

I could really use your advice.

I definitely want to be a doctor.

I did get caught up in all of the attention.

I did it one time.

I didn't mean to disappoint you, Daddy.

I didn't say rat, I said rodent,

I don't even like taking the last shrimp at a party,

I don't get what the big deal is.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't need the play by play.

I don't think I can do this.

I don't think we should re introduce whupping into this house.

I don't think you have the cardio stamina for that.

I don't think you should do this.

I don't want to be the bad guy!

I don't want to hear any more!

I filled the hell out of those forms, and she's like, "Good. Get out."

I forgot to tell you last week,

I found him! He's okay!

I get it.

I got it.

I grew up in Torrance, and I'm Korean.

I guess I should have locked the door.

I had made him the fly in buttermilk,

I hate to admit it, but Pops may have been right.

I hate when homeless people have dogs.

I have a real emergency.

I have absolutely no idea.

I have black friends.

I have failed!

I have no idea what's going on in your life.

I have other questions, too.

I have to go to the bathroom.

I have to say,

I haven't noticed.

I hear you, Pops.

I heard some kids talking about oral.

I honestly don't think Jack is responsible enough

I just hope the memory of that whupping has faded.

I just want to say I'm sorry about last night.

I just want you to do it how I do it.

I know I'm in your space.

I know you might be tired, but I was thinking maybe you could...

I know you think it's funny,

I know, right?

I know! I know! Oh, my God!

I know.

I know.

I know. I can't handle it!

I know. You know, you look tired.

I left in your bedroom was about?

I left my karaoke mike in there,

I like your glasses.

I love a happy ending.

I love it, man who has a woman's job.

I love this because I used to beat you with it.

I love you and your cooking, Mommy.

I love you. Love you, son.

I made homemade cotton candy for spring carnival.

I made those ungrateful runts quiche

I make sure people don't die.

I may need you to block the door, because Jack is real slippery.

I mean, he was a bit of a hugger

I mean, I listened to her,

I mean, I'm seriously gonna cry all night.

I mean, look at the way you wear your towel.

I mean, nobody's gonna spank a ninth grader, right?

I mean, not for me. I'm too old to be spanked.

I mean, the whole thing just drives me nuts. Ugh!

I mean, there's like a thousand invisible things

I mean, there's nothing better

I mean, what do you think that box of condoms

I Morgan Freeman ed her

I most certainly did.

I need to get my boy some of this.

I need you to move my heart/lung consult.

I needed to make a big move.

I needed to really bring it tomorrow if I was gonna stay in the game.

I never know who I'm giving my half eaten sandwich to.

I never told anybody that last part.

I owe Pops 50 bucks!

I quit my day job.

I remember my first high.

I remember the day I realized

I rewarded myself with a cinnamon stick

I saw a man with a hatchet...

I saw the best candidates, and I made my pitch,

I saw the best candidates, and I made my pitch,

I see you representin'.

I spanked your daddy when he came home for the summer from college.

I spilled a whole lot of Kir Royale on our babies.

I start a whole other second huge job.

I started to wonder

I stood up for parents everywhere.

I study American history, so I should know.

I talked a first year resident

I think he's getting it

I think Hunter Kang Nussbaum caught me peeking.

I think it's very important that they see this.

I think so. Maybe.

I think sometimes talking is overrated.

I think that meatloaf is chasing that burger to the exit,

I thought for Day 2 of stepping up,

I thought the praise would never end.

I thought we agreed you weren't whupping your son's ass.

I thought you could hear me giggling,

I thought you guys were all for spanking?

I thought you said we were taking the day off of school

I told you Dad was soft.

I told you to spank him, not crush his spirit.

I traumatized our daughter.

I try.

I want the talk.

I want to be a teen sensation.

I want to work in advertising, like Dad.

I wanted to be gracious and rise above it,

I wanted to be in the loop...

I was born in 1820 in a one room cabin...

I was determined to find Junior some black friends.

I was enjoying my breakfast over here.

I was just mainly frustrated

I was just wondering if, you know, you want to...

I was kind of hoping that my first blind date would be with a girl.

I was like, pop!

I was looking forward to what kind of props I was gonna get today.

I was not trolling.

I was not trolling.

I was on my own with Junior.

I was so excited to bring you to the hospital,

I was talking about in the car this morning?

I will accept my apology in words or... (CLICKS TONGUE)

I will always take my shirt off for you.

I would stay away from that.

I would've tried this hands on parenting thing

I... You don't have to tell me about them.

I'd build on my success as Cupcake Man

I'll be right back. I'm gonna get back to you.

I'll wash the glasses.

I'm a little too bloated to go shirtless right now.

I'm about to go upstairs and give Junior the talk.

I'm about to whup my kid because I love him

I'm back in the whuppin' window.

I'm baking.

I'm being abused for working hard,

I'm coming in in five, four...

I'm devastated.

I'm done.

I'm fine.

I'm glad you're here.

I'm gonna go outside and get the paper.

I'm gonna go play catch with my son before it gets too late,

I'm gonna go tell Jack.

I'm gonna probably have to dial it back some.

I'm gonna roll off now.

I'm gonna show you how comfortable I am. Mmm hmm.

I'm gonna sit down and have

I'm gonna spank my son.

I'm gonna think about it, so..

I'm gonna... I'm gonna get back to you.

I'm gonna... I'm gonna tell Dad he's handsome and that I love him.

I'm homeless because you didn't whup me.

I'm homeless because you whupped me.

I'm just doing my part for the Harriet Tubman experience.

I'm just dropping off cupcakes.

I'm just not not trying to get credit.

I'm just saying, I'm that type of mom. I'm very open.

I'm just trying to do my part around here, baby.

I'm just wondering, when should I start manscaping?

I'm just, you know, just trying to fit in a little bit.

I'm kidding. We're the worst.

I'm looking in the oven. I've totally lost it.

I'm making the lunches for tomorrow,

I'm not even attracted to her, but now I have to avoid her line.

I'm not gonna always be able to step up like this.

I'm not gonna let you spank my son.

I'm not sure you understand what we do.

I'm not sure you understand what we do.

I'm not trying to get credit.

I'm not whupping Jack, Pops. All right?

I'm really disappointed in you, Jack.

I'm really looking forward

I'm serious.

I'm so proud of you.

I'm sorry about yesterday.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Just give me one second, if you would.

I'm sorry. You are...

I'm such a good mom.

I'm sure he'll make plenty of friends,

I'm the one who put him in that private school.

I'm tired of the struggle.

I'm your guy.

I'm your little man.

I've aged out.

I've been receiving e mails about my cupcakes all day.

I've been watching you, son,

I've cooked dinner, corrected homework.

I've created a sex talking monster!

I've seen this one before, man. He goes in there.

If I don't, then y'all got a problem, right?

If I just give him a stern talking to.

If we back out now, we might as well go up there and tell our kids

If we don't come up with a new marketing strategy

If we get him out of the house before he's 30.

If you know what I'm talking about.

If you look in the window,

If you need a little extra help with H Tubs here,

If you whup Jack, you have to whup all of us.

Ignore him.

Impossible.

In hand to gland combat.

In many ways, I was just like Harriet Tubman.

In that cartoon princess voice.

In the abstract, yeah, but you don't hit your own child.

In the next 20 minutes, we're gonna lose our client.

Including whatever it is that Diane just said.

Indian ones are smaller, but still, it was a rolling pin.

Irrelevant. But a lot. (SNIFFS)

Is having a sense of community.

Is it okay if I cuss?

Is that a job?

Is that that piece of Hot Wheels track you used to beat me with?

Is that... No.

It all gets easier when you can drink.

It doesn't show her in the most flattering light.

It is a minefield.

It is filled with very dangerous and very powerful narcotics,

It just seems like something I've heard people say, so...

It reduces the risk of an office shooting.

It takes you two hours to find a little black boy,

It took me forever to get out of the house.

It turned out to be a good day to be a dad who cared.

It was a game to him.

It was like watching myself in a horror movie at the Magic Johnson theater.

It was one of his long and beautiful eyelashes. Don't beat him!

It was the Thursday of a leap year.

It was...

It wasn't Junior's fault. This one was on me.

It'd be nice for him to have a dog.

It's a slow ride to nowhere.

It's amazing how I can get anything out of anyone.

It's aspirational.

It's embarrassing.

It's even harder to get credit from your wife.

It's for the Harriet Tubman presentation tomorrow,

It's just that, you know, with all the...

It's like... There's a lot of facets to this one.

It's me performing at the Rose Bowl in eight years.

It's no longer Stacy Kang Nussbaum.

It's not culty, Dre.

It's not natural.

It's not up to them. It's our decision.

It's nothing.

It's okay, sweetie.

It's our thing.

It's patchy,

It's really the perfect thing.

It's so lovely. It's a wrist corsage.

It's so not okay.

It's super rude to talk with food in your mouth.

It's supposed to be big fork, little fork, big spoon, little spoon.

It's the internationally accepted, yet unspoken,

It's totally world ending.

It's true, all the countries

It's with a "C."

It's you. You're crazy mom.

It's your duty to give the nod.

Jack does not love that, Pops.

Jack re opened my window!

Jack, don't cozy up to me. I'm still angry with you.

Jack, get down here now!

Jack, go stand over there.

Jack, what are you drawing?

Jack, where are you?

JACK: I don't know.

JACK: Now what?

Jack!

Jack! Jack! Where are you, Jack?

Junior, I mean, we're lucky

JUNIOR: He's from Malawi.

JUNIOR: How did I not think of that?

JUNIOR: Sri Lankan.

Junior's was just different than mine.

Just a comfortable man with no shirt on, talking to his son about nasty stuff.

Just a little bit.

Just bear with me one second.

Just because you grew up in a houseful of naked hippies

Just brutal, unfiltered, nonstop oversharing.

Just do what comes natural.

Just go upstairs and play!

Just gonna jump right in there like that, huh, son?

Just guess!

Just ignore me while I put away all your clothes for you.

Just lighten up a little bit.

Just looking for some young black boys to bring back to my house.

Just sayin'.

Just saying.

Just talk about anything special...

Just tell us what you mean.

Just, I'm gonna... Thanks.

Just, we should coat the bridge with moss to slick it up.

Justin Bieber wrestled Kevin Durant's dog

Keep going to your mother with the day to day, all right?

Kill me. I can honestly not...

Kind of tingles when you're topless.

Knock, knock.

Last time you made some, it looked like you did them last minute.

Last week, at Dad's job,

Later.

Let me figure this out.

Let me handle all the kids' stuff this week,

Let me play it back for you.

Let me see. Whoa.

Let me stop you right there.

Let me tell you what's gonna happen here.

Let's get our sex talk on.

Let's give it to each other.

Let's go, Eustace!

Let's google it.

Let's stay in here for the rest of the week.

Let's talk about it, anything and everything.

Life life.

Lightbulbs and family.

Like a Christmas tree.

Like a fireworks display.

Like a... A Milky Way.

Like Cat's in the Cradle

Like Harriet Tubman was a spy in the Civil War.

Like Mommy.

Like mother, like daughter.

Like that? Yeah.

Like they're gonna fire a brother right after hire.

Like what?

Like what?

Like, an overall blackening.

Like, an overall blackening.

Like, she just comes up to me and starts talking.

Liquor store cupcakes, and you're a hero?

Listen, we both have huge jobs,

Listen... (SIGHS) Truth be told,

Listen... Nurse Larry?

Lock and load, son. Lock...

Look at him sitting over there like he's a prince.

Look at my babies.

Look at that.

Look at this, pickup game.

Look what I found in your closet.

Look, all your son needs to do is understand the struggle.

Look, babe, Charlie may have some idiosyncrasies,

Look, babe, the nod is important.

Look, dude.

Look, friend, we're not identical.

Look, I think I can get the same message across

Look, I'm just trying to do my part.

Look, Pops used to spank me with a Hot Wheels track for sport.

Look, you missed your moment, Bow.

Look! Look at this.

Look. I loaded the dishwasher.

Look. This is our locked drug cabinet.

Looks pretty innocent, but what am I going to do?

Lot of bad stuff happened up there in Seattle.

MALE VOICE: (THROUGH PHONE) You have lost this round.

Maybe a little.

Maybe I can stay for a minute.

Maybe we should do something to get the talk.

Me, too. I need the talk.

Me.

Might've held on to my Lincoln.

Mine either. Except in his mouth.

Mmm hmm.

Mmm hmm.

Mmm hmm.

Mmm hmm. Sure sounds like it.

Mmm mmm.

Mmm, mmm.

Mmm! They're okay.

Mmm.

Mmm. Mmm mmm.

Mmm. Okay.

Mmm. This time, he's gonna die.

Mom could save us.

Mom, will you make us breakfast?

Mom?

Mom...

Mommies need to be with their babies, Dre!

Mommy saves people. Just saying.

More black friends for my son.

More drama from you know who.

Move.

Mr. Kinnebrew made kettle corn for everyone.

MS. DAVIS: Mr. Johnson!

MS. DAVIS: Okay, everybody circle up!

Much as I hate to admit it, my idiot son is right this time.

My bad, dawg.

My dad used to have a Rob Roy, then beat me with his dress shoe.

My husband never drops off cupcakes.

My kids actually care what I think about them.

My mom game hit an all time low with Zoey.

My mom used to crack me in the skull with a rolling pin.

My name is Harriet Tubman.

My parents didn't believe in spanking, and I turned out awesome.

My parents talked to us openly about everything,

My poor fridge.

My research shows we have legal options.

Nailed it!

Need a win here, Dre. Back's against the wall, bro.

Need any help with your spelling words?

Never pick a movie that'll make you cry.

New record!

Nice!

Nice.

No argument here.

No later than 8:30.

No later than 10:00.

No money? Is this a joke to you?

No nod, like his neck was broken.

No offense, Tanya.

No one.

No one's even noticed my cardboard replica

No, baby. Like Vegas from a plane.

No, it's not crazy. Look, okay.

No, it's not, babe. You know what?

No, no, no, no, no. Not work life,

No, no, no, no! No, no.

No, no, no. I mean, the sex talk.

No, no. Remember, I'm your guy.

No, seriously, Dad, it's weird.

No, um, do you remember that thing

No, wait.

No, wait. Tails.

No, we are talking about you. You are a praise junkie.

No, you don't.

No, you promised, now you want me to follow through.

No!

No! My Hobbit Shire!

No. I know your pee face.

No. No, it is not.

No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. Bow, you can't look in his eyes!

No... What?

Nope. Dad already quizzed us.

Not bad.

Not cool, Bow. Not cool.

Not even a real place.

Not even about the color of my tears? They were red!

Not from sadness, just from a lot of emotions, you know?

Not Jack! He's our favorite!

Not me as much.

Not now. I'm trying to be a good mom who listens better.

Not only were we verbally accosted,

Not unless Jack pulls another stunt like this,

Nothing sadder than a freaky Thursday, son. Nothing.

Nothing weird. No, nothing weird.

Now you have to think about that all day,

Now, I know it might have been greedy,

Now, tell me what you see.

Now, wait a minute.

Now, when I was married to your mother, for example,

Now, who do I e mail to give a TED sex talk?

Nuh unh. Daddy, you've never been here, ever.

Of course you don't.

Of course, yes.

Of Harriet Tubman's one room cabin.

Of nonconsensual gardening?

Of service, leadership, and collegiality.

Of this whole nod thing,

Offering to do the dishes?

OG Air 1 s!

Oh, actually, we...

Oh, fair enough. Fair enough.

Oh, God. Oh, my God!

Oh, great. Thank you.

Oh, great. That sounds fun for me.

Oh, hey, everybody!

Oh, hey, when you get home from work later,

Oh, I feel you, sweetheart.

Oh, I know who.

Oh, I see. I see.

Oh, I'm not. Being white is awesome.

Oh, I'm so screwed.

Oh, it's my daughter. (LAUGHS)

Oh, look at this.

Oh, look what's here in the paper.

Oh, Mom covered it all pretty good.

Oh, my God, you are wearing a bow tie.

Oh, my God, you guys! My son is gone!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Heaven on a spoon.

Oh, my God. My fridge is chaos.

Oh, my goodness.

Oh, no

Oh, no, he's gonna blow it.

Oh, no, it happened. Whupping's back

Oh, no, no, no! Stay, stay!

Oh, no, no, no. We know what you do.

Oh, no! My Hobbit Shire!

Oh, no.

Oh, okay.

Oh, really?

Oh, sorry, guys.

Oh, syrup for breakfast.

Oh, that was easier. I just told him what my father told me.

Oh, the "stop being rude to your 26 year old stepmother" talk?

Oh, they're all so cute, like him.

Oh, trust me, I will.

Oh, wait, Dad. Just one more thing.

Oh, well, I wouldn't say it was a surprise.

Oh, well, look who's sitting there all cocky

Oh, well, this L.A. Tourism account is really...

Oh, what...

Oh, why is she like this?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, you do love crustaceans.

Oh, you mean like how I enjoy...

Oh, you think so?

Oh, you wanted a hug, too?

Oh, you've got to be kidding me.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh! (CHUCKLES)

Oh! (GROANS)

Oh! Babe! Look what I found!

Oh! Never mind. Force of habit.

Oh! Oh!

Oh.

Oh. It's just burgers.

Oh. Okay.

Oh. Test tubes!

Oh. Uh, maybe this is just my pee face.

Oh. Well, I'm sure I could squeeze you in

Oh. You heard what she said, now?

Okay, babe, Charlie isn't for everybody.

Okay, babe, I hear you. Let me tell you what.

Okay, babies. I'll make you breakfast.

Okay, Captain Cupcake, or Mr. Pancake,

Okay, class, it is time to start our special show.

Okay, come on, Pops. We all know no one spanks anymore.

Okay, do you not understand what's going to happen?

Okay, don't be mean. He's scared.

Okay, fine, so it may be not your thing, but it might be Junior's thing,

Okay, fine.

Okay, great.

Okay, I feel like you're blaming me for this.

Okay, I guess we're really doing this huh?

Okay, I just needed to do three.

Okay, I'm gonna level with you. You are my only hope.

Okay, let's go.

Okay, let's not change the subject, okay?

Okay, look, I'm just saying, now that I'm SVP,

Okay, now, look,

Okay, Pops, I get it. I messed up, all right?

Okay, so, here it goes.

Okay, speaking of family, I have a question.

Okay, that's cool, brother.

Okay, that's me.

Okay, this is very serious!

Okay, we have to figure something out.

Okay, well, since you asked,

Okay, where were we?

Okay, you guys, look.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. Have you eaten already?

Okay. Just put it over there, Dre.

Okay. Let's do it.

Okay. Maybe I have a little problem.

Okay. Um...

Okay. Well, look, I'll catch you later, brother.

Ooh, career day. Oh, my God. I love that. So awesome.

Ooh, really feeling the AC in here.

Ooh.

Optimistic.

Or "Pancake Dude."

Or am I going to

Or am I going to whip some ass?

Or am I gonna cave your skull in?

Or because I was desperate to change the subject,

Or civilization itself.

Or imprisonment, okay? (GASPS)

Or low cal Drake black?

Or this.

Or...

Our kids are last in everything.

Our only hope is for a gubernatorial pardon.

Our sex talk ritual.

Out loud.

Out of what's clearly a big deal.

Ow!

Ow!

Pass.

Patient's lost consciousness.

Perfect.

Pilates.

Playing time: 4 hours, 13 minutes.

Please take my shoes off.

Please take my shoes off.

Please, barbell, just slip and fall on my throat.

Please? It's so slow and safe.

Please. Harriet was a smart woman.

Plus, I really got to pee.

Plus, you know what?

Pop!

Popcorn on the underground railroad?

Pops doesn't always make a lot of sense,

Pops, Bow and I are different. We help each other.

Pops, I'm fine.

Pops, you should have seen it.

POPS: Oh, you're welcome, son.

Probably several times.

Problem solved.

RAINBOW: I can't believe she fell for it.

RAINBOW: I knew she'd come to me.

RAINBOW: Okay.

RAINBOW: So he didn't nod at somebody.

RAINBOW: Tomorrow?

Really, 'cause I heard that...

Recognize this?

Relax, son. I I want you to have it.

Remember? I nailed it.

Right after I get into the sex talk loop with Junior...

Right?

Rubber turkey.

See these two right here?

See, I put an IV into the patient's arm,

See, that's 'cause you don't stretch.

See, what we're interested in is the horde of black children you have.

See? This is good multitasking.

See? This is what I went through at the store.

She ain't even the real Harriet Tubman.

She doesn't like this new setup you got arranged,

She got to be judge, jury, and made me executioner.

She lives for this stuff.

She said she was born in 1820!

She saw a tomahawk in somebody's skull!

She serves the tater tots, so that kills me!

She was a spy.

She wouldn't blow the whole deal with some loud ass snacks.

She, the unquenchable bonfire

She'll talk to me if it's about something big,

She's lucky to have me.

Show me one place in the Bible where a kid talks.

Showing empathy towards Charlie is a part of the struggle.

Shut up, boy. Put your bag away.

Sí. Sí, sí, sí.

Sign of acknowledgment of black folks around the world.

Silence the haters.

Sit down.

Slavery!

So be it.

So don't be surprised if you see Pedro wearing a Jheri curl.

So don't bother to buckle up.

So don't lean too heavy on the oyster card.

So I decided to check out the Leimert Social Club.

So I retreated to my favorite thinking spot.

So I talked to Pops.

So I was wondering...

So I win twice.

So it was up to me to make it right.

So please, let's try not to make too big a deal

So you don't think I should say anything?

So, after you bailed on the garage, I gave everything to the gardener,

So, basically, Junior had a heart to heart with Ice T.

So, do you think you can do it?

So, I, like, just think it all through from the other side?

So, it's a fairly routine procedure,

So, it's really a campaign that focuses on what's important,

So, Junior and Pops,

So, last week, there's this girl named Zoey who has an...

So, let me get this straight.

So, let's not whup him.

So, let's talk next level.

So, she said those exact words?

So, show me which one of your crew has the most busted face. Okay?

So, take this, for example.

So, that's a yes?

So, this girl said I took...

So, wasn't lunch awesome?

So, we at Leimert Social Club have certain core values

So, what do I have to do?

So, what should I wear to the whupping?

So, what's it like, having sex?

So, when people see mustaches now, they think hipster, not Hitler.

So, you want things to go back the way they were?

So, you were trolling for boys?

So, you're not gonna get a whupping.

So, your friend seems nice.

Some jackass dad.

Some species flourish in any environment.

Something else that lights up.

Something good or something bad?

Sometimes I look around the locker room

Sometimes it helps if you play the whole thing out

Son, if you want to attract a woman,

Son, listen to me.

Son, look, the last few days

Son, that's what this whole week was about,

Son, why are we the only ones carrying an extra credit project?

Son...

Sorry I'm late. My kid was sick.

Sorry, orange.

Sounds culty.

Sounds kind of big. You know you can always talk to me.

Spanking Junior put me in the bed for three days!

Spanking's not for us.

Speaking of going the extra mile,

Starbucks. Headquarter up in Seattle.

Starts to look weird after a while.

Styling gel.

Suck it, Dre.

Sure was.

Sure.

Sweetheart... I need you on this one.

T R I S...

Tails?

Take him back to the 'hood.

Take him upstairs.

Talking about a position called the triceratops.

Talking about sex,

Tears all over the leather seats?

Tell me what we should do.

Tell us what you're looking to get out of your membership.

Than beating someone with something they love.

Thank you, but I'm good.

Thank you, Pops.

Thank you, Zozo.

Thank you.

That are beating their kids are beating our ass.

That consumed my time, money, and youth.

That cupcake glory didn't last long, did it?

That face, that smile, that afro,

That he was not going to make me a proud father on the baseball field.

That I bought at a liquor store.

That I do around here that aren't even on your radar.

That is absolutely, positively everything, son.

That is your name on the wall.

That it wasn't in me, but it is.

That means I'm out of the whupping window.

That means no urban coming of age stories.

That means you're still in the window.

That required some very fine printing.

That struggle comes in a lot of different forms.

That teacher didn't even thank me for what I did.

That The Leimert Social Club probably wasn't for us,

That their mommy and daddy are punk ass bitches.

That was a lot better than when he gave me a box of condoms.

That was it?

That was like some really bad theater.

That way, the Orcs can't cross into Rivendell.

That would be great. I could really use a break.

That you can't drink a half a bottle of wine in the tub

That you have no idea how the human body works.

That you never tell a frantic black woman

That's 'cause I love you!

That's a lot more valuable than a belt, my opinion.

That's a lot of e mails for a tray of cupcakes.

That's a lunatic! You're a lunatic because...

That's because you were eight months pregnant with the twins.

That's exactly what I said when I met your mama.

That's how he got his name. Pops.

That's it. Time to make something happen.

That's my boy.

That's not even close to what I'm saying.

That's not exactly how it went down.

That's not gonna result in your prosecution

That's right. I'm keeping it!

That's so nice and a little strange.

That's the sound it makes when I get a work e mail.

That's true.

That's what I have to deal with.

That's why I wanted to be a part of this.

The air was crisp.

The black pool at your school is very shallow.

The boy drank deep from the Dre well today, baby.

The boy just stared at him.

The boy still thinks hiding is a game, and he has to learn his lesson.

The brother always gets shot at the end.

The CIA should be all moms, moms like me.

The craziness about...

The injustice I had suffered.

The last couple of days.

The more you do, the more you get taken for granted,

The problem is, you're trying to be a mom, too,

The real one, not the fake ass spy one.

The rehearsal.

The rehearsal.

The sky was blue.

The truth is that Junior's generation

The way I see it, crazy got you in.

The whole class made Dad "thank you" cards.

The whupping is a go!

Then shoots you,

Then the lunch lady popped into my head.

There really are no black guys your age at your school.

There were people everywhere.

There you go. Scrunch, son. Ooh. Scrunch it.

There's a tiny marzipan map of Canada on the wall.

There's always something that's better off left buried.

There's something else going on.

These are your spacers. They're just for show.

They are never to be used under any circumstances.

They didn't believe in you, but you did it.

They have get togethers.

They have nothing left to struggle for.

They look delicious.

They were tasty.

They're calling him "Cupcake Man."

They're energy drinks for an ad campaign

They're gonna take my key from me.

They're private little beating booths.

Think I got it.

Think of the boy as a piece of salmon and your club as the skillet.

Think of the boy as a piece of salmon and your club as the skillet.

Thinking she's safe 'cause she's a girl.

This hiding thing has got to stop, and Jack needs to be taught a lesson.

This is basic stuff.

This is going to happen!

This is it, son. Look at that. Look at that.

This is my son, Eustace.

This is nice.

This is the place that made me.

This whole Freaky Friday role reversal thing you got going on.

Those are mine.

Thoughts?

Through a really tough intubation, in Español,

Through what my wife said to Officer Hernandez.

To "calm down."

To acknowledge that you've seen him.

To avoid him at all costs.

To be honest, son, I can't keep up with all that new stuff,

To do fun stuff, like get frozen yogurt.

To gauge where I am on the spectrum.

To get virgin wheatgrass for an acknowledgment project?

To hell with being the unsung hero. I want to be sung.

To make sure that they don't die.

To spending some more time with you together.

To take care of a dog.

To what do we owe the surprise?

Today, we're starting our unit on Harriet Tubman.

Told you he was stupid.

Too much sugar.

Top of the steps? I'll find it.

Trying to do telekinesis again?

Two moments of real personal growth.

Ugh! I just want to scream!

Uh huh.

Uh huh.

Uh oh. Junior, you picked a bad day to wear shorts.

Uh, but with your medical history, there is a significant risk for...

Uh, community outreach, cultural enrichment.

Uh, I must be going.

Uh, I'm gonna go clean my room.

Uh, let's see here.

Uh, ma'am?

Uh, so, is there a Mrs. Telphy, or...

Uh, this is my child. I'll be right back.

Uh...

Uh...

Uh... (EXHALES)

Um, and then she said something to you.

Um, Dad, I talked to my friends about that,

Um, well, you said "less."

Um, which bathroom is no one using for the rest of the night?

Un freakin' believable.

Unh, unh, unh, unh, unh, unh, unh!

Unless you heard something I don't know.

Unless you want to talk to her about her menstrual cramps.

Unless you're in Prague, where it's just called "sex."

Unravel the fabric of your marriage, son?

Wait a minute.

Wait, sweetheart, I thought you wanted to be a doctor,

Wait, wait, wait. Did you just compare our son to a rat?

Wait. What do you mean?

Walk with it! Roll with it!

Want to go hit a bunch of balls?

Was I the only one dealing with this?

Was I wrong for even considering spanking my kid?

Was to tell her how much I appreciate her.

Wasn't a priority for your generation.

Watching a movie on my phone, 'cause I'm hiding from my son.

Watching you try and connect up with Junior

We always found a way to let each other know,

We are doing fun stuff.

We better go.

We call him "useless."

We can't spank Jack.

We can't spank Jack.

We connected, and that's what I wanted for Junior.

We created an algorithm to reduce collateral damage.

We don't even know what the talk's about.

We don't need you.

We got to get you out on the court, son.

We had the sex talk yesterday, man.

We hate flavor.

We have one last move.

We keep telling you that you can't do this,

We keep telling you that you can't do this,

We love listening to your books on tape.

We miss your steel cut oatmeal.

We need to be respected and valued.

We should get them together, man. What's he doing tonight?

We were wrong.

We?

We're done doing that.

We're going through a pretty nasty divorce right now.

We're gonna go downstairs to the cafeteria,

We're not exactly selling you out.

We're selling you out.

We're wondering if we could talk.

We've been in here for a whole day,

Well, babe,

Well, beat him with something I love, then.

Well, because I'm...

Well, don't worry, Dre. You got this.

Well, every whupping usually has a beginning, middle, and an end.

Well, how else will you know that I was here to witness you

Well, I couldn't do it at the store.

Well, I didn't make these.

Well, I mean, I'm 13 now.

Well, I'm convinced.

Well, I've got a 7:30 online call for Ghost Recon, so...

Well, if they're not gonna give us the talk,

Well, if you want a good night kiss,

Well, if you want to spank him so bad, why don't you do it yourself?

Well, if you're not in the mood, you can just...

Well, it looks great.

Well, it's not extra credit, per se...

Well, it's not my fault

Well, make up your mind!

Well, maybe something is wrong with his neck.

Well, there's four years of college,

Well, three can play at that game.

Well, we don't refer to our children as a horde.

Well, where do we start?

Well, you know what? I'm keeping it!

Well, you know, there were a lot of little boxes there

Well...

Were any of you spanked as kids?

Were you hiding in there?

Were you hiding?

Wet and sad. This move saved my life.

Wha... Sure.

What a waste.

What are we gonna do?

What are you all talking about? Quit stalling.

What are you looking at?

What are you talking about?

What are you, 12? 13?

What are you, a monster?

What are you... Charlie...

What concentration of black are we talking about?

What do you mean? You're selling me out?

What does she know?

What does that matter?

What does that mean?

What does that mean?

What else would I be doing in the laundry room?

What have I done?

What in the world did you do at school today?

What is going on out here, son?

What is that, exactly?

What is wrong with you?

What talk?

What the hell are you doing?

What the hell is wrong with you?

What the hell?

What up, man? Dre.

What was going on in your life,

What was I supposed to do?

What were you gonna say?

What you're saying is, you regret never having the talk with me,

What, now?

What?

What?

What? I help out!

What? I should leave?

What? It's...

What? No.

What? No. I mean... I don't think so.

What? Outside?

What's next, diabetes for dinner? Uh uh.

What's that?

What's the worst thing that could happen if we do?

What's the worst thing that could happen if we don't whup him?

What's up, Charlie?

What's wrong, Dre? You're looking pensive.

When a woman says that, she's not happy.

When a woman with a big butt walks by.

When he's opened the door of knowledge to his son.

When I get home, I'm gonna whip your behind.

When I say "Cup,"you say, "Cake"

When I say "Cup,"you say, "Cake"

When they heard that I was gonna hit Jack.

When was the last time you saw that?

When was the last time you saw that?

When we get home, your father is going to spank you!

When we get home, your father is going to spank you!

When you come home, you play video games.

Where everyone else came down on spanking.

Where I am trying to entertain a lady friend.

Where I save lives and get to wear

Where'd you hear that, Junior?

Where's that?

Whether it's a credit card application, the birth of rock 'n' roll,

Whew! Whew!

Which includes your squirrels, your chipmunks, your prairie dogs...

Which is much more expensive than homemade cupcakes.

Which is not always easy for Bow.

Which is they call it a devil's threesome.

Which meant I didn't have the tools to have the talk with Junior.

Which one? The big one or the little one?

Which were benign.

Which, by the way, had that lady not been sitting there,

Which, by the way, had that lady not been sitting there,

Whichever one you use.

While cuddling on the couch together?

While I was killing it at school,

While letting Bow chew on her defeat.

While you're out there, you might as well get the mail, too.

White 'cause you're whupping virgin ass?

White guy. White guy. White guy. Wow.

Who cares what Pops said?

Who did this to you? Oh!

Who does that?

Who gave you cupcakes, huh?

Who gave you cupcakes?

Who got to you?

Who happens to be...

Who is also...

Who thinks they were better off being spanked?

Who wants some cupcakes?

Who wants some extra chocolate chip pancakes?

Who wouldn't kidnap him? It was only a matter of time!

Who... Who would put a spatula with a can opener? Huh? Huh?

Who's talkin'?

Who's the showboat?

Whoa, whoa, where are you going?

Whoa! Just gonna...

Whoa.

Whoo! (CHUCKLES) That's cold.

Whoo. Okay.

Whupping don't care what you are.

Why did you hide again?

Why didn't you give that kid the nod?

Why do you think I need extra help?

Why doesn't Zoey have to do this?

Why was your shirt off?

Why wouldn't she?

Why, yes. I was.

Will be right here on this court.

With a carefully worded, furious e mail,

With a concentration in the Civil War?

With all this new responsibility at work,

With an iron weight in 1835.

With green eggs and ham for Dr. Seuss day,

With the sexual wisdom only a father can throw down.

Woman, what the hell are you talking about?

WOMAN: (OVER PA) Dr. R. Johnson to the ER.

Would get me treated like a rock star,

Would have resulted in us having three beautiful black boys in our home.

Wow! That's a treat.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow. (SIGHS)

Yeah, a packet that she probably wrote!

Yeah, around the same age as yours.

Yeah, babe. This corn bread's got to be spectacular.

Yeah, but I just have some follow up questions.

Yeah, but now it's different. It's me.

Yeah, but you still have an ass, don't you?

Yeah, but your date could keep kosher,

Yeah, come to think of it, me, too.

Yeah, Dre, you killed it.

Yeah, go get your book bags.

Yeah, good idea.

Yeah, he gave me some awesome advice.

Yeah, I kind of picked up on that when you left me hanging for a week,

Yeah, I was kind of hoping you wouldn't need a blind date.

Yeah, it's all right there.

Yeah, maybe about the birds and the bees,

Yeah, saving the world through cupcakes

Yeah, stretch it out, son.

Yeah, that's 23 cupcakes.

Yeah, we all voted yesterday while you were asleep after lunch.

Yeah, we don't live in China.

Yeah, what's up, Pops?

Yeah, yeah, you will.

Yeah, yeah. Top of the stairs, to the left.

Yeah, you kind of phoned it in, Mom.

Yeah, you really messed it up for all of us.

Yeah!

Yeah! He's a natural!

Yeah.

Yeah. I love warm chicken noodle soup.

Yeah. Now I know why they call it "junk."

Yeah. Probably.

Yeah. Well, hey, hey, whoa.

Yeah. When we had the talk.

Yelling at teachers for teaching,

Yes, a talk? That's nothing.

Yes!

Yes! That is your world famous lasagna I smell.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes. But you want to...

Yes. Lesson over.

Yes. Noted.

Yes. She said, "Hey, Dad."

Yo! We got next!

You ain't got no more black friends at my house!

You and Junior had the talk without me?

You are doing the right thing.

You are going to get beaten by Dad with a belt.

You are uptight with this kind of thing

You are... You're part of my inner circle now.

You be Harriet Tubman, I'll be Frederick Douglass.

You can color me done.

You can go.

You can never hide again.

You could've at least had them rehearse a little more.

You did hear me call you an idiot, yes?

You did hear me say $ 7 million in revenue, right?

You don't do that, either?

You don't even know what you have in common, do you?

You don't have it.

You don't have to raise your hand, son.

You don't want to whup a child just before he goes to school.

You getting all this, son?

You gonna sneak me in the underground railroad?

You got any advice?

You got to go find my... What are you doing?

You got to try this. (CHUCKLES)

You had me drive all the way to Azusa

You have become the crazy mom. You realize that, right?

You have got to tell me what she said.

You haven't worn clothes for two days.

You having a little traffic jam?

You just need to admit it. You don't want to be the bad guy.

You kept that all these years, huh?

You killed it, Dre.

You know what else looks great?

You know what we could do while we're in here?

You know what, son?

You know what? I can't judge you.

You know what? I don't even care. (CHUCKLES)

You know what? I'm about to whup your ass.

You know what? I'm just gonna go talk to Bow.

You know where to find me and my cinnamony lips.

You know who really gets me there?

You know, "talk" because...

You know, a kid like you with wheat allergies.

You know, being a modern husband,

You know, do a little less.

You know, he has a problem with his short term memory.

You know, I don't think that's appropriate workplace conversation.

You know, I'm cool, plus I'm black, which is cool,

You know, I'm not a big soup sharer, brother.

You know, I've been here, many times.

You know, I've been meaning to talk to you.

You know, if anyone's crazy, it's you.

You know, it may not seem like it, but I am embarrassed by those naps.

You know, it'll help give you clarity so you can resolve it.

You know, it's like a little diamond.

You know, just girl to girl.

You know, just trying to go that extra mile.

You know, just trying to stay two steps ahead of the man.

You know, me and my son, we're new out here,

You know, my mom used to put rings on just to spank me.

You know, my parents never wore clothes, so... (CHUCKLES)

You know, my pops never gave me the talk.

You know, that's a common two parent home mistake.

You know, these are store bought.

You know, this has a very happy ending if he doesn't blow it.

You know, when your wife cheats on you,

You know, you've been riding my bumper pretty tough.

You know? That's the important part,

You like chips and soda?

You mean besides our nation's 400 years

You must be Rainbow.

You need a notebook or something?

You need to be quiet.

You never spray this on your body.

You okay, babe?

You opened Pandora's box and a triceratops jumped out.

You pulled something playing catch yesterday, didn't you?

You put it in here big fork, big spoon, little fork, little spoon, like a maniac!

You rock, Glen!

You sat on her bed. Who does that?

You saw all those terrible, terrible things.

You scared the hell out of me.

You see how much worry you caused in this house?

You should cherish him more.

You should have beat him while you were at the store, all right.

You should leave!

You start on the ends, always leaving a buffer.

You stay with him, okay?

You stumble across that one timeless gem.

You take good. I'll take bad.

You talked to Pops?

You tell me.

You think about that all day, young man. You hear me, mister?

You told me that you wanted me to do it,

You took Diane to the hospital.

You two have something in common.

You want to say it out loud so you hear the emotional nuances.

You want to sit on my bed later?

You were busy working hard, providing for us,

You were never a spy, right?

You weren't cute enough.

You would marry "I told you so"

You'd just be sitting there, minding your own business,

You'd think you'd feel angry.

You'll be fine.

You'll figure it out. You always do.

You're a man, and that's what men do.

You're boring me.

You're gonna get some free frozen yogurt.

You're hurting Harriet Tubman!

You're just messing with me, right?

You're ninja quiet.

You're not scared. You're not scared.

You're not spanking her brother.

You're not spanking my brother.

You're really not gonna come over here and get none?

You're right.

You're right. You're right. We can do this.

You're ruining the Harriet Tubman experience.

You're the one that's ruining it

You're the only one who calls me that.

You're trying to seduce me, Mr. Johnson.

You're wearing the same thing again.

You're welcome.

You're yelling at me for Junior getting tomahawked on.

Your ass lucky we in public.

Your dad is ready to go right now.

Your daddy is a monster.

Your obituary.

Your old baseball...

Your paper is killing me, man.

Your turn.

Zoey hasn't said two words to you all month.

Zoey is obviously gonna marry well.

Zoey, how the hell does everybody here know you,

ZOEY: There it is

Zoey?

(ALARM BEEPING) Oh, my God.

(ALL GASP) Oh!

(ALL GASP) What are y'all looking at?

(BOTTLE SPRAYS) Ow!

(CHUCKLES) (APPLAUSE)

(CHUCKLES) Okay, well, listen to this craziness.

(CHUCKLES) Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

(CLICKS TONGUE) Oh!

(GASPS) That's a terrible idea.

(GASPS) The twins' onesies

(GROANS) I heard these seniors

(LADIES GASP) BOY: That's great! I love store bought!

(LAUGHING) I'm sorry. Did I say something funny?

(MICROWAVE BEEPS) DRE: Hey, Rachel.

(SCOFFS) Stretching does not make you gay, Dre.

(SCOFFS) Mmm hmm. Oh.

(TIRES SQUEAL) All right.

Adorable. Oh, my God. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Ah! Whew!

All right, now. Yeah.

All right? Oh, again!

All right. (SCOFFS) It's what I do,

And guess what. Please take my shoes off.

and no one's given us the talk. (SCOFFS)

ANDRE: Hey, Dad? (GRUNTS)

Babe, babe. Hmm?

Babe? Uh huh?

Babe? Yeah.

Babe. What?

Babe. Look at this. Hmm.

Babe... Huh?

BOW: Jack! He's not upstairs!

But it's not gonna come to that. Oh, it's not?

but you don't want me to do it! No, no, I want you to do it.

Can we talk about it? Uh...

Cheese! (SHUTTER CLICKS)

Cup! Cup! Cake! Cake!

Cup! Cup! Cake! Cake!

Dad made chocolate chip pancakes. Out of diabetes.

Devastated! Is everything okay, hon?

Do you know where the... Yeah.

Done! All right.

Done! Done! Ha ha!

DRE: Hey, babe. Hi.

Dre! Kitchen, babe!

Excellent question, son. Thank you, Father.

Focus, woman! Focus! BOW: Okay, you're right.

Glad that happened for you, brother. Yeah, yeah.

Go! Go! Yes, ma'am.

Good morning! POPS: Good morning.

Good night. Yeah.

Good one, babe. (CHUCKLES)

Had a thing with my kids. Nice move, bro.

Health forms! (KIDS GROAN)

Hey, babe? Yes.

Hey, babe. BOW: Hey.

Hey, baby. ZOEY: Hey, Mom.

Hey, Charlie? 9:00?

Hey, Dad, can we have another talk? What?

Hey, Dad. Hey, babe.

Hey, Mom? Mmm hmm.

Hey, Ms. Davis! Hey, kids!

Hey, what do they do to kids in China? Uh, no idea.

Hey! Hey.

Hey. I forgot my gym bag.

Hey. Oh, Dad,

Hey. What about him? He's Filipino.

Hi, there. Hi.

Hi, Zoey! What's up, Zoey?

Hmm. Mmm.

Hmm. Uh...

How you doing, man? All right.

I also knew I was nailing it at home. Aww!

I am Cupcake Man. Right.

I am. Oh. Mmm. (LAUGHING)

I appreciate everything you don't do. (LAUGHS)

I brought you some flowers. Oh. How nice!

I couldn't think of anything. I panicked. I see.

I got it. Well, I could...

I just might. Okay.

I know it looks a little gay, but it works. What?

I know who you are. (CHUCKLES)

I like that. I like it. Babe.

I look tired, Dre? Mmm hmm.

I love tater tots. DRE: This is hell.

I mean, you know? Hmm? (CELL PHONE VIBRATING)

I need this. Okay.

I want bad! We'll flip for it.

I want to show you something. Mmm hmm.

I was the provider. Mmm hmm.

I'll call Dad. I'd be happy to...

I'm a see you around. Oh, okay. All right.

I'm fine, Mom. Okay.

I'm gonna do you a favor, son. (BELT SNAPS)

I'm gonna go talk to Junior. What? (SIGHS)

I'm gonna stop you right there. Okay.

I'm gonna whup him for you. What?

I'm good. No, you're not,

I've got some... Nope. No.

Is that me? Oh, God. Ma'am?

It is? Mmm hmm.

It laid it down. It laid it down. Yeah. Yeah, it did, but it's gone now.

It's Cupcake Man. (ALL GASP)

It's rainy up there. Mmm hmm.

Jack! I found his backpack outside.

just like Harriet Tubman. No, no, no, no, no!

Let me get the wig. Oh! (LAUGHS)

Let me help you, Mommy. (SIGHS)

Let me see. Junior's old mitt.

Let's go. DRE: Can you believe her?

Licorice? Oh, thanks.

Like I didn't even exist. Mmm.

Look at this. Oh, relaxer. (CHUCKLES)

Ma'am, calm down. Calm down? Listen to me!

Ma'am... He's very small!

Making posters for career day. Career day.

Maybe a little bit of you later. Mmm. Oh.

Meet me in the bathroom. What...

Mmm hmm. Hater.

Mmm mmm. Oh.

Mmm! Mmm! (NEWSPAPER RUSTLES)

Mmm. That's what I'm talking about.

Mmm. Mmm. Mwah.

Mom? No? Hmm?

Mom. Huh?

Mom. Yeah.

Mommy, Mommy, look! Hey, sweetie.

More so extra acknowledgment. Ah.

No worries. Sorry, man.

No, I said that... No, we're done.

No, thank you. No, no, no!

No! Okay.

No. DRE: No!

Nothing much. Just burgers. Okay.

Now go enjoy yourself. Okay.

Now open up. Get some. Hey, hey, Charlie...

Now, I think... Uh...

Oh, boy. Okay. All right?

Oh, he's crazy. Shut up, Glen!

Oh, I don't. Oh.

Oh, I'm ruining it? Yeah.

Oh, my God! What was it?

Oh, my God. (CHUCKLES)

Oh, my God. ANDRE: Dad? Dad.

Oh, my... Teaching our kids nonsense

Oh, no, no, no, I got one! I got one! Okay.

Oh, totally. I do. Definitely.

Oh, wow, they grow up so fast. I'm telling you.

Oh, you tweaked your neck again, huh? Huh?

Oh, you're laughing. Okay. (LAUGHS) I'm laughing.

Oh! Oh! Oh, really? Give me... Give me the bag, please.

Oh. (KNOCK ON DOOR)

Oh. Okay!

Oh. Shocking.

Oh. Oh. I've got it! What?

Oh. Well, welcome, man. Yeah.

Okay, Mr. Johnson. What?

Okay. Oh, oh, oh. Hey, hey, hey.

Okay. You're welcome.

Okay. Okay. POPS: Oh, yeah.

Okay. Um... Mmm hmm.

Parenting is hard. Yeah.

POPS: Whoa, son, son. Yeah.

Pops! Yo!

Pops... POPS: I'm sorry, Junior.

Published? Very white.

Pump your brakes. I'm pumping. I'm pumping, brother.

Question. Yes.

RAINBOW: Really, babe? What?

RAINBOW: Really? DRE: Yes, really.

Right? Right.

She's going through a phase. Uh huh.

Signature fragrance, boom. Mmm hmm.

So cute. Wow. Oh, wow.

so you just need to try it. All right.

So, what did you talk about? The fundamentals.

Stacy Kang Nussbaum. Yeah, okay.

Sure. Can I take that burger?

Technically, that is true. Hmm.

Thank you very much. (APPLAUSE)

That would be great! All right.

That's crazy! Okay, look...

That's right. Uh huh.

The accusations! Accu... What?

The Leimert Social Club? Yeah.

The little one. JOSH: Oh, come on!

The nod? Yes, the nod.

This guy is stupid. Watch. What...

Those aren't test tubes. Oh.

to drink energy drinks. Hmm.

Uh, no. They wouldn't do that, right?

Uh, okay. Good. All right?

We're horrible parents. Horrible.

Well, Dad was actually... It's so good.

Well, it's who I am! BOW: No.

Well... Hmm.

Wha... ANDRE: Yeah.

What the hell is "rigmarole"? ...and dizzy spells I've had

What time? 7:00.

What? "Out of state, out of mind."

What? The, uh...

What? We can't spank Jack.

What? Yes! Excuse me.

What? Zoey told me what you did.

What's today date? Do the math! Okay.

What's up, Charlie? Oh, nothing, man.

whatever you call yourself. It's "Pancake Guy."

Whew. (CHUCKLES)

Who's going first, huh? (BELT SNAPS)

Whoa, whoa, whoa. No! Terrible!

would you like to see him enriched? Mmm.

Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah? Thanks. Yeah.

Yes, she was. No, she wasn't!

Yes, sir. All right. Okay, cool.

You are not a very smart man, son. What?

You dig? Yeah.

You get me? Hmm.

You good? Yeah, I'm good. You?

you have a son, right? Uh huh.

You know what I'm saying. I do now.

You were talking about your own child? Yes.

You're amazing. (CHUCKLES)

You're cool, man. Everything's all right. (CHUCKLES)

You're Jack and Diane's dad? Yes.

...for five whole days.

...in his head.

'Cause I do my work.

'cause I feel like moms do everything and no one ever notices

'Cause I'm a really good hider.

'Cause this is the way it's supposed to be, okay?

'Cause two shirtless dudes just standing around,

"have an open dialog with your kids" hoopla.

"I see you, bruh."

"Number one dad. We love you, Mr. J."

"Step up"?

"Thanks for stepping up today."

"You made everybody's day."

"Zoey hasn't said two words to you all month. "

(ALL LAUGHING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

(ALL TALKING AT ONCE)

(APPLAUSE)

(AUDIENCE SCREAM)

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

(BOTH LAUGH)

(BOTH LAUGH)

(BREATHES DEEPLY) I love you, Dad!

(CELLPHONE RINGING)

(CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES) Great.

(CHUCKLES) I know.

(CHUCKLES) I'm comfortable.

(CHUCKLES) I'm sure that's what his mother tells him.

(CHUCKLES) Oh, God.

(CHUCKLES) Oh. All right, nice seeing you, ladies.

(CHUCKLES) See, there? Freaky Friday.

(CHUCKLING) It's a lot to chew on.

(CHUCKLING) Okay.

(CHUCKLING) What?

(CLICKS TONGUE)

(CLICKS TONGUE)

(CONTINUES SCREAMING)

(CRYING) Mommy loves you! Oh, God.

(CRYING) Oh, God! Jack!

(DIALING)

(DOOR CLOSES)

(DOORBELL RINGS)

(EKG FLATLINING)

(EXHALES SHARPLY)

(GASPS)

(GASPS) Lettuce on the top shelf.

(GASPS) Oh, my God! How long has this been like this?

(GASPS) What about him?

(GIGGLING)

(GRUNTING) One, two, three.

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

(HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

(HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

(HISSING)

(IMITATES TURKEY GOBBLING)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION IN DISTANCE)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

(INDISTINCT TALK)

(KIDS CHEERING)

(LAUGHING) You're not free.

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS) It's not as easy as you thought, is it?

(LAUGHS) Well, as much as I hate to admit it,

(LAUGHTER)

(MUFFLED) You know? So...

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(MUSIC PLAYS, DINGING)

(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

(SCOFFS)

(SCOFFS)

(SCOFFS) I'm here to save it.

(SCOFFS) Sounds like a bougie club for rich black kids.

(SCOFFS) What's age got to do with it?

(SCREAMING CONTINUES)

(SCREAMS)

(SHOUTS)

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS) But you know what?

(SIGHS) Did you even hear what she said?

(SIGHS) He actually said that?

(SINGSONG VOICE) "Okay, great!"

(SLURPS)

(SLURPS) Mmm?

(SNORING)

(SNORING)

(SNORING)

(SOBBING)

(SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING)

(SONG PLAYING)

(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)

(WHIMPERS)

(YAWNS)