💬 Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

A 16 year old mother of three vomiting in a sewer, >

A blasphemy, a demented monkey man,

A dream catcher it's like a wind chime.

A lot of people say "Garth Marenghi? Doesn't he write that horror crap?"

A lot of people write to move, or to protest.

A pedant might see the wires,

A shatter of glass. A round of applause. >

A TV programme so radical, so risky, so dangerous, so goddamned crazy,

A whisk, a tin opener and a spatula.

Aaaa ha haaaagh!

Aaaaagh!

Aaaargh!

Aaah haa haaaagh!

Aah!

Aargh!

Aargh! Aargh!

About how fat a lot of Scotch were.

Actually, sorry, Dag, they've just asked me to move you out

Actually, you owed me one, so we're quits.

After that, I'll do whatever it takes to hunt you down.

Agreed. So, what was it, Dag?

Ah!

Ah! I'm hit, I'm down. Yeah, got me in the leg.

All I do is sit at the typewriter and start hitting the keys

All I know is, er...

ALL LAUGH

All of us have untapped potential.

All our broccoli must've come from the sky, billions of years ago.

All right, calm down

All right, get up.

All right. I'll pay you, though.

ALL SCREAM

ALL SHOUT

ALL SIGH

All this started to happen when the temp arrived.

Alone, your lady treats you bad, leaves you hangin' on the phone

Along with interviews from me, my publisher Dean Learner and actor Todd Rivers.

Along with interviews from myself, my publisher Dean Learner

Although I also pen westerns and erotica to keep my oar in.

An eagle eyed viewer might see the wires.

And a selection of continental cheeses.

And apparently more objects are heading this way... Goodbye

And as I say, I'm gonna miss your balls.

And explained what was going to happen.

And extrasensory perceptive telepathic psychokinetic powers.

And for being, above all, a good friend. >

And hurry!

And I am so glad I stayed

And I can call you Skipper.

And I knew our lovin'

And I knew our lovin'...

And I said to Garth,

And I sincerely hope you are disturbed.

And I worked with Lulu, and four other people,

And I... lit a joss stick...

And I'm starting to get some pretty primal urges.

And if I'm lucky...

And if that's not being an innovator, I don't know what is

And it was a question of having them removed or having really long balls,

And it was Madeleine.

And just listen to the answerphone.

And let it loose on its unsuspecting public. That's you.

And not just because of his weight.

And one day we'll all meet in Valhalla.

And served it to me in a tissue.

And she said, "That's inelegant."

And she spoke to me, and she said

And she was right.

And shit themself at the same time.

And suddenly I heard a voice "Come here."

And take this.

And that's the last thing I need.

And the actor Todd Rivers, who hasn't done a decent gig since Boon.

And the inside of my head was its only ticket out

And then very quietly she went.

And then you add to that the supernatural element.

And then... Freddie went.

And there's a half price sale on weird.

And they're all cowards. OK?

And we tried to keep the slow motion away from the dialogue as much as possible.

And what if it and its rat brethren took over and ate Parliament?

And when I wrote, directed and starred in Darkplace,

And yet it is locked.

And you might need this.

And you people keep bothering me very rudely.

And, whilst I don't blame them,

Android?

Anything without dialogue was considered for slow motion.

Anything.

Anyway, I'm out of here.

Are you all right? >

Are you sure you're gonna be OK?

Aren't you an expert in the arcane and black arts?

Argh argh argh!

Argh ugh

Argh!

Argh! Argh!

As a horror writer, I don't ask for much,

As a horror writer, there are certain words

As a writer, I make my own rules up.

As a writer, if you take away my paper, I would write on my heart.

As an artist, in bringing us this gift.

As crystal.

As long as it's not a screwdriver!

Asking if your humble fabulist could retrieve Darkplace from the boxes in his basement

Ate his hands and died right here.

Aye aye! Hey, this cat's got claws!

BABY CRIES

Back in the 1980s, I wrote, directed and starred in Garth Marenghi's Darkplace.

Back then, no one would touch this subject.

BAGPIPES ECHO

BAGPIPES PLAY

Bairns looking on, chewing on potato cakes. >

Balls to the wall, flat out horror.

Balls, knickers, scrote.

Bang goes my Hippocratic oath.

Be he human, be he inhuman,

Because another one comes along.

Because the day I hit 30 they winched right back up.

Because until then I'd been writing horror.

BEEPING

BEEPING STOPS

BELL RINGS

Besides, there are more important matters.

Between "Aah!" and "Ooh!" quite well.

Block all those with antiperspirant, you get a breath problem.

Bloody things.

Blow me if I know! God, I'm parched. I need water.

Boil Linda? Over my dead body, you bastard!

Bon appetit.

BOTH CRY OUT

BOTH EXHALE

Both of you.

Both Todd and I were wild then behaving like flipping Romans!

BRAKES SQUEAL

BREATHES HEAVILY

Broccoli from space. I wondered why it tasted odd.

Broccoli.

BUBBLING

Buns?

Burn what's left of the body.

But didn't realise it could get rawer with time.

But for years, I couldn't help fearing that one might eat the other.

But he's one fiery dragon.

But he's out helping some crippled children right now.

But I wept. I'm not ashamed of that.

But I'm old, tired, spent, busted,

But I've just seen the tape and it looks OK.

But if someone has to die it might as well be a techie...

But if you and he wish to be best buddies again, I won't stand in your way.

But if you're looking at wires,

But it's about the puppets, not the string.

But it's along the same lines but with a different animal.

But Joe Public is. You probably are.

But nothing. Women like you are the reason the chicken's late in the first place.

But slapping Dag's ass won't bring her back, Annie.

But some shit sticks no matter how hard you sc****. Hang back.

But still, it was ambitious to film a TV show in a garage.

But that thing's dangerous. Can't you see that?

But the initial price of a name battery is so much higher.

But the Lord moves in mysterious ways.

But they came up in a big red bruise,

But they cancelled it for a re run of Who's The Boss?

But they're just not ready.

But this is the whole nine yards. He's not getting near it.

But we're more worried about your downstairs area.

But who, why and for what reason?

But why would Dagless hide it?

But why you, Dag?

But with that power must come responsibility.

But you don't know that till the end.

But, then again, she was like a candle in the wind.

By the show.

By the time I got back, he'd gone insane.

Bye bye, buddy

Calm him down!

Can I take a rain check on that?

Can I take a rain check? My guts are playing up.

Can you start immediately?

Can't hold these plates off much longer, Liz!

Can't we discuss something more sanitary?

Careful with it it's my mother's.

Champagne on ice for bed 395 I want to surprise Linda.

CHANTING AND BAGPIPES

Cheers, Gavin. I owe you a beer.

Cheers, Padre.

Cheers!

Cheers. I thought of it in the car.

CHEESY '80S SYNTHESISER MUSIC

CHOKES

CLOCK TICKS

Coleridge, Samuel T.

Colleagues have since visited during the day and have had a cracking time.

Come on, come to Padre. Embrace the infinite.

Come on, Dag, what say I buy us all a drink down The Drip.

Come on, I'll lend you money for a coffee.

Come on, let's get you back to beddie byes.

Come on, let's move it, people.

Come on, Liz.

Come on, Liz. I'll help you apply some more make up.

Come on, there's nothing we can do for him.

Come on!

Come on. Let's get out of here. I'll buy you a drink down The Drip.

Cool it, or get a knuckle supper.

Cos mine are grey, or indeed white.

Cos the temperature's too high

Could the gas have contained cosmic fungi and/or spores?

Could you ever love a monkey, Liz?

Could you run these ECG results past the boys in Radiology?

Count yourself lucky. Look at her.

Crack this, or Won Ton will be over me like knockers in a wind tunnel.

Crazy things. Things, Dag.

CROW CAWS

CRUNCH

CRUNCHING

Cry, cry, cry...

Dag, any thoughts?

Dag, this is hospital business now.

Dag?

Dag... Hello?

Dagless, we need your loaf what's going on?

Dagless, you're a good doctor but you're also a maverick,

Darkplace was a turning point for me as a writer,

Darkplace, Darkplace

Darkplace, Darkplace, Darkplace

Darkplacel

Day draws into nightfall

Dead we're too late. Looks like our man struck again.

Dean's not an actor.

Dear me!

Definitely. It's what Reed feared.

Did they ever find it?

Did you attack the chef? Thanks for your time

Did you attack the chef? Thanks for your time.

Didnae get me wrong. I love Scotch people I love Lulu and if Taggart's on I'll tape it.

Do I have time to go to the toilet?

Do you know what's going on?

Do you think that eye child took over Dag's mind?

Does the channel come crawling back, cap in hand,

Don't ask me how, I just know.

Don't believe everything you hear.

Don't believe everything you read.

Don't blow it all by getting killed.

Don't get your panties in a scrunch. There's nothing we can do.

Don't know why I'm cooking, I'm so angry. Seasoning what do I need?

Don't make me stand here and count.

Don't mention it.

Don't play with the windows.

Don't sweat it. I'll suck a mint.

Don't walk away from me, lover boy.

Don't worry, Reed. This sounds routine. I'm sure nothing untoward will happen.

Don't you dare die!

DOOR SLAMS

Down a two way lane

Dr Dagless... >

Dr Liz Asher?

Dr Rick Dagless MD.

Drat! It's run out. Have mine.

Drivin' fast down the highway

Driving fast down the highway

ELECTRIC BUZZING

Emotions are running high. What do you suggest, Dag?

ENGINE REVS

ENGINES REV

Erm... Scotch Mist some thought was fairly racist.

Even if it's simple, like "Don't breed crabs to be as big as men."

Everyone has a special talent.

Everything bar the kitchen sink.

EVIL LAUGHTER

Exactly. They may even be stolen.

EXAGGERATED SOUND EFFECTS

Excuse me.

Excuse me... And I said "You're not a man, Dean, you're an ape."

FANS WHIRR

FAST TYPING

Fine. If he makes administrative errors, I'll bust his hump.

First things first, I gotta stop you bleeding.

Fish white flesh puckered by the highland breeze. Tight eyes peering out.

Five more minutes.

Flying objects? It beggars belief.

FOOTSTEPS CONTINUE DOWN CORRIDOR

For a while, at least.

For example?

For saving my life.

For this I wanted them to go "Ooooh."

For years I wondered what my goolies would sire would it be human?

Forgive me!

Found dead last night, shot in the eye.

FUNKY ACTION MUSIC

Funny. I don't remember locking this door.

Garth is the most significant artist I've worked with,

Garth Marenghi? He's my favourite! I've read them all!

GASPS

Get 2ccs of 0.2% saline chloroxide into bed 33,

Get me Dr Rick Dagless MD now!

Get me Dr Rick Dagless.

Get me Reed! Oh, it's you. It's Sanch here. It's about Dag

Get out of the office! Thank you.

Gettawa!

Getting them in the right order that's the trick. That's the trick

GHOSTLY BAGPIPES PLAY

GHOSTLY LAUGHTER

GHOSTLY MUTTERING

GHOSTLY SCOTTISH MUTTERING

Give it up, Dag. It's a potential killer.

Glasgow's industrial, but it's still a third world country.

Go away. I demand that you go. Please be gone.

Go make me a pill that cures madness

God, he was brainy... and brave.

God, I wish I was hitting the wards with those young bucks,

Good gravy, a bunch of objects flying of their own accord in E Wing.

Good news. You're gonna be all right.

Good riddance. That's done and dusted, then.

Good work, Liz.

Great joke, Dag.

Greetings, friend.

Greetings, traveller. I'm Garth Marenghi, horror writer

Greetings, traveller. Who am I?

GROWLING

GRUNTING

GUNFIRE

GUNSHOTS

GURGLES

Guy probably came down, got lost, went mad,

Guy's got a fork through his kernel.

Ha ha.

Ha!

Ha! Ha ha!

Halfway through, I went to fix us both a coke float.

Hand him over. 'Kay?

Hang loose.

Harnessing psychokinetic abilities in underprivileged kids.

Have you ever been to Scotland, Dag?

Have you got a name or room number?

Have you met the temp?

He added that I should hot tail it up there, which means going back to where we started.

He couldn't interact with another actor.

He goes with you, and that's a deal breaker

He had an ambitious script.

He loves wind and he loves the sound of tinkling. And he loves you.

He said I'll always remember this

HE SHOUTS

HE WAILS

He was born half boy, half grasshopper, he never had a chance.

He went axe happy on a trout farm killed 60 fish.

He went.

He will. He's the best damn doctor on the wing.

He won't stop talking about you. You've found yourself a good man.

He wouldn't run if his ass was on fire.

He'd have used it to thank you.

He's a brilliant yet troubled man and I'm privileged to know him. I'll introduce you

He's a titan of terror I call him that as well.

He's a wild card.

He's acting like a jerk. Come on, Liz, coffee's on me

He's dead.

He's gonna make it just, but the chicken's off.

He's right, Dag. What went on in there wasn't by the book.

HEARTBEATS

Hee hee hee!

Heh heh!

Hellbent on dragging us back into the Stone Age.

Hello, Dr Rick Dagless speaking, how may I help you? ...Bye.

Hello, Linda.

Hello? Beg your pudding?

Hello? Speaking.

Hello.

Here it be a future shock that'll shit you up.

Here you go.

Here, let me cut up your pork pie.

Here.

Here's the drugs you couldn't afford. I bought them. Don't thank me.

Hey there, little guy!

Hey there, little guy.

Hey, bud. Just give me two ticks.

Hey, I've got an idea let's continue this outside in the bushes.

Hey!

Hey! Are you all right? >

Hey.

Hi, Gavin. Quick question re that green gas in the sky last night.

Hi. I've come to apply for the doctor's job.

HISSING

Hm?

Hold it gently, like a lover in the shade of a mighty oak tree

Hold on, what's that?

Holy cow, it's you, isn't it? You're doing this

Hospital bloody hygiene.

How are you two doing?

How does one weigh the happiness of these two star crossed lovers

How long is it going to take the so called chef to cook this chicken?

However, I had taken him aside that morning

However, with the aid of some stills taken by the girlfriend of the time,

Hug the wall.

I agree with that.

I ain't never goin' back. Not never.

I ask you!

I baked them by way of apology.

I beg ya.

I beg your pudding? And the same to you too!

I call Garth the Orson Welles of horror.

I called... Madeleine Wool "Menagerie Wool"!

I can cope with constant bereavement. He can't. Most people can't.

I can take it or leave it.

I can't hear you.

I chose the latter, and fortunate favoured me,

I could have one now, you wouldn't know.

I dedicate tonight's episode to my wife Pam

I didn't wanna use that thing. Larry was my friend.

I didn't want to say, but in surgery today you were waving your bits out the window.

I didn't, to be honest. Erm...

I do not believe that any form of life, be it human, animal or plant,

I don't feel they're on my side.

I don't have time to drink this water, I'm that busy!

I don't have time to drink this water... water... water... water...

I don't know how, Rick, but you were right.

I don't know whether someone close to Garth had exploded,

I don't know yet. People often develop these abilities when they feel angry or unappreciated.

I don't know yet. Slow it down 26%. Shhh. Listen.

I don't know. But it took over his heart.

I don't know. Some people are animals.

I don't see it as a problem.

I don't want to be here tomorrow with mist up my crack. Now get!

I drew inspiration from the dyke of my dreams

I dropped a sofa on my cat it was a write off so I stood on its head.

I figure Sanchez is regressing to Homo neanderthalenus.

I figured it'd be safer on the streets.

I forgot to flush! >

I found a piece of shit on the seat.

I gave every episode a theme, even when we were late or I was tired.

I get a tin of soup, poach an egg in it, serve it with a pork pie and sausage roll.

I get off on language.

I got a script, read it, scared me senseless, comme d'habitude,

I gotta save another life. Take care, little guy.

I guess being told I couldn't get a chicken supper was the last straw.

I had a little boy called Skipper. He was different, too.

I have four daughters

I have had...

I have never exploded, but, I know what it would be like

I have stood in Dean's front room and watched him make a lot of love.

I haven't acted since.

I haven't but you're dead

I haven't seen him eat anything today and it's 1 p.m. now so...

I hope he heeds my words.

I hope that is all right

I hope this does not impair your enjoyment of the drama.

I hope you're sitting un comfortably,

I just can't believe the temp is dead.

I just don't find her physically attractive.

I just have and that means you'd be lying.

I just hope Dagless makes it up here in time.

I just hope he realised how much he taught me, that it weren't just one way traffic.

I just hope I've changed the way you think about life.

I just want to apologise for what I did to your countrymen.

I just won't do it.

I know a little place you can go. It's called To Blazes.

I know it's me you want.

I know nothing about it.

I know writers who use subtext

I know you're lying to me, but I'm a big girl now.

I know.

I looked in the mirror one day...

I love Scotland. I'll take the high road or the low road. Both are valid.

I love the life we've made

I love you, Skipper.

I mean we all have abilities.

I mean, just to think of the er...

I mean, with a patient?

I need a shower.

I need you on the ward! There are kids dying out here!

I never... I don't think I'd ever kiss another man...

I once learned how to hypnotise women,

I once tried to open a gentleman's club near Fife. North of the border.

I only went into medicine for the laughs and the pussy, and that dried up years ago.

I owe you all an apology. Sanch...

I owe you everything. If you need any help, you can always rely on me.

I pleaded with him. I said, "No, don't." But he insisted.

I portended that by 2040, the world would see its first female mechanic.

I pray that I can pull myself through.

I punched a child actor because they were rude about Garth's writing.

I re closed the gates of hell but Darkplace hasn't been the same since.

I reckon she's in the Eastern Bloc. That's my hunch.

I refused to pay. An argument ensued, and I said some very racist things

I remember it much as one recalls a dream, or a nightmare.

I remember the old Reed, who wouldn't kowtow to Won Ton.

I repeat, put the eye down and your hands up!

I said " This is an ambitious script

I said, " This is going to be the most significant televisual event since Quantum Leap,

I saw the Scotch in their natural habitat and it weren't pretty.

I set out to continue that grand tradition.

I should be thanking you for looking after me

I should never have let myself get this close again. How's your head?

I suggest we split up

I suggest you remove your hand or I'll knock you down.

I think I can take them.

I think I know what did this.

I think I'd be more comfortable with a doctor's touch.

I think I'm gonna die

I think that scene's beautiful.

I think what this episode shows is that the human spirit cannot be overcome

I think you should have it.

I think you'd better go, Liz.

I thought I'd lost you back there!

I told you before, I don't do that!

I took the novel as far as it could go.

I took those slides down to floor 6.

I use rechargables. Couldn't charge them last night because I was playing the keyboard.

I wanna say, you did a heck of a thing back there.

I want it too, but now most of those kids are chimps. That's my priority.

I want you both in my office five minutes ago

I wanted to make people laugh and cry

I warned Garth. I said, "I'm not an actor."

I was asking another "what if"

I was on a budget flight to Norway

I was supposed to file this.

I was told when I was 16 that my balls didn't work.

I was typing and I had this block

I was wild, full of ideas, knuckle to knuckle with authority,

I was worried when I saw the... VHS again

I wasn't planning on falling on my fanny. I had a vision. I'm a psychic.

I went to the padre to confess... but washed my arse in the font!

I will not rest until I've found you an adequate replacement.

I won't let you down.

I won't tell you which "what if" it is

I wonder what brought them here.

I would keep the crew down to ten, twelve people.

I wouldn't have had it any other way.

I wouldn't say I buy it. Let's just say I'm window shopping,

I write to chill.

I...

I'd like that. I could use a drink.

I'd offer you my own if I could, but this is the only way.

I'd seen them in stations before, being loud, but now I was surrounded.

I'll be with you in two secs. You can scrub my legs.

I'll come to the point where does the Church stand on evolution?

I'll cross fertilise the data

I'll get a mop.

I'll get a nurse to help you out of that night dress.

I'll get Liz to do it first thing.

I'll give you 24 hours to get your sorry ship to shore.

I'll go to the water storeroom.

I'll have a double scotch and my friend will have the same.

I'll help. I'm free on Tuesdays and my contract hasn't started yet.

I'll just leave you briefly by this air vent.

I'll leave you alone to make your peace.

I'll look after Liz. Get this skin sample analysed, and keep shtoom.

I'll say one thing, he's very thorough.

I'll stay and recuperate as fast as I can.

I'll take the whisk out first and hold them off as long as I can.

I'll talk to the padre. He knows about monkeys.

I'm a language junkie, that's my hit.

I'm a one track lover

I'm a rebel. I play a rebel brain expert

I'm afraid I can't offer you any salt to go with that.

I'm afraid, Rick. I'm afraid of what I'm becoming.

I'm Dr Sanchez

I'm fine, but I'm having to tread on eggshells vis a vis Liz.

I'm Garth Marenghi, horror author.

I'm Garth Marenghi, horror writer though I prefer the term dream weaver.

I'm Garth Marenghi, horror writer.

I'm going for a shower.

I'm going over there to tell him that.

I'm gonna get out of here for a bit, grab some air.

I'm gonna give him the rollicking of his life.

I'm gonna miss the banter which has fizzed from the get go,

I'm gonna miss you, Clive

I'm gonna stay and talk to her. It's called a bedside manner heard of it?

I'm just so happy.

I'm just trying to run a decent hospital

I'm just worried about Sanch.

I'm not telling his family that we're burning his body to close the portals to another dimension.

I'm one of the few people who've written more books than they've read.

I'm sorry I busted your balls.

I'm sorry. I was wrong. I see that now.

I'm sure if he'd had any breath left in his body,

I'm sure we all feel he exploded too young

I'm sweating now.

I've a hunch whoever or whatever he or she or it is will be there.

I've always been good with words.

I've always just known.

I've always loved the great tragedies King Lear, Superman II

I've been drunk with him for 15 years! So... it was home from home.

I've found with you

I've got a best buddy,

I've got to do it like this

I've got two words for you, Sanch telekinesis.

I've gotta get this.

I've had first hand experience. I lost a ball in Korea. Did the op myself.

I've included interviews with myself,

I've just graduated from Harvard College, Yale. I aced every semester and got an A.

I've never been afraid

I've never seen anything like this. In fact, I haven't got the foggiest idea!

I've never seen that before and I've never seen that since.

I've not got one.

I've not got time to shoot the shit.

I've seen a couple I fancy.

I've seen Garth bend a fork, so he knows what he's talking about.

If an Englishman meets a Scotchman, or vice versa,

If Dag thinks we have to boil her, I'm backing him 110%.

If everyone who'd ever got close to you had died, you'd be sarcastic too

If he will buy cheap batteries...

If I catch them, I'll string them up by their Buster Browns.

If I felt sorry for myself five days every month,

If I get too far gone, Rick... you know what to do.

If I had to call myself anything, and I hate labels, I'd say imaginer.

If I want to highlight social prejudice, I will, but my way.

If I want to start a sentence with a full stop, I will.

If it's passed to Sanchez, half of Romford'll have it within the week.

If politicians pay doctors peanuts, could they literally turn into monkeys?

If she got a burial.

If that's how you treat friends, imagine how you treat enemies.

If the gates of hell do re open, don't say I didn't warn you

If there's anything I can do...

If they have made love, that is.

If we lose our sense of humour in this place, we might as well kill ourselves.

If Won Ton finds out, my arse is grass, and he's got a lawnmower! You dig?

If you block up everything you'll sweat inside and get cancer.

If you clog up your pores you sweat elsewhere,

If you go to a puppet show, you can see the wires,

If you go to Punch and Judy to watch the wires, you're a freak.

If you need me, I'll be here in the vestry or out in my Jeep.

If you pass a postbox, can you post my pools coupon?

If you take a tiny sip of this, you're all right.

If you took away my ink, I'd write on the wind

If you... use antiperspirant

If you're different, people fear you. Look at Michael Jackson.

If you're grabbing me by the balls, don't wave a piece of paper at me.

Impressive, but don't do that on the ward.

In a year, I'll be a woman

In Black Fang I asked what if a rat could drive a bus?

In bringing you this forgotten episode of Darkplace,

In Glasgow, in a chip shop I ordered a cheeseburger.

In the end I picked up that pube and it made that gents a better place.

In the penumbra of uncertainty you call unconsciousness.

In times of conflict, when you're up against an aggressor,

Including Afterbirth in which a mutated placenta attacks Bristol.

Inevitably, my imagination made the move to TV

INHALES

Is he going to die?

Is my daddy gonna be all right?

Is that Gavin, the hospital gas expert? ...Can you put Gavin on?

Is that why you called me in some dame's banged her bonce?

Is this hospital called St Crock of Shit?

It can happen like that, you can fall in love in an instant

It can make you feel like the king of the world, or...

It clogs up your pores.

It could? And those fungal spores could infect a person?

It felt like they were watching me. >

It is our duty to fight prejudice and injustice,

It looked bad. It looked like I'd have to spend the night in Glasgow.

It really hurts.

It seems we have a mystery attacker in Darkplace

It was an idiotic altercation which I regret for personal and professional reasons.

It was easy to get into character. I know the beast in me.

It was unprofessional and girlish. It won't happen again.

It was us and Princess Di.

It was very, very cheap.

It was way the hell out there.

It wouldn't be an ideal way to work.

It's all I've got.

It's all right, Rick, we'll get another one.

It's also about my own desire for a son,

It's an evil highland force... the ghosts of Scottish warriors trapped in foggy mist.

It's been taken care of. I got John to give it a quick wipe.

It's better to buy from a reputable high street retailer.

It's certainly an improvement on the old look.

It's egg in soup.

It's Jim. He's out there.

It's just you and me now, kiddo.

It's like a wind chime.

It's me they want. That's what they're gonna get.

It's my fault.

It's my Romeo and Juliet, but less whiny.

It's not clever, it's not sexy. It's bad writing.

It's not that. I guess I liked the kid. Reminded me of me at that age.

It's only with hindsight I realise how radical Darkplace was, and is.

It's pathetic.

It's sad that people are too frightened of that,

It's so hard to watch this episode knowing she's missing, presumed dead.

It's so hilly up there, you can't get any signal on your carphone.

It's the only way. Otherwise it'll spread.

It's the same hammer in the tool belt you can barely tell the difference.

It's time to go.

It's very infectious. The only way to stop it spreading is to boil her.

It's very sad that we had to pixelate out an erection,

It's..

Italian seasoning? Too vague... Sage?

Jesus Christ!

Jesus Christ! What the hell? No! Arggh!

Jesus Christi!

Jesus.

Jim, in here, quick.

Jim!

Jim?

Just keep 'em peeled. We might need to kill him.

Just let me hold him in my arms one more time.

Just over there.

Keep away from me! Keep away!

Keep close, these tunnels are really long and curving.

Keep your headbands on so we don't get lost. Use your fans sparingly.

Knock it off, this is a hospital!

Knocking together interviews with key players in this historic programme,

Larry Renwick was admitted last week.

Larry Renwick will be remembered for his wit and laughing eyes, >

Larry was a colleague of mine when I first started at Darkplace.

Larry?

Let's do this.

Let's get down to it. I'm horny.

Let's have some sounds. There's a bad atmosphere in here.

Let's hope Sanch ain't dipped his wick, or it's nationwide.

Let's make love on the moor.

Let's run into that outhouse.

Like a pube on a pipe?

Like ice, cold to the touch and it isn't very nice when you're left

Like marbles in a hiking sock.

Linda asked me to give you this.

Linda's dying. She's turning into broccoli. It's very contagious.

Listen I am not prejudiced, all right?

Listen, when I first joined this hospital, I was solo.

Literacy, numeracy, the three Ls are in decline.

Liz and I are gonna check on him, see how he is. You wanna come too?

Liz is throwing her own poo to get attention.

Liz, fancy egg in soup?

Liz, fill us boys in, if you'll pardon the expression.

Liz, hide your shame.

Liz, I want you to be calm.

Liz, that bulb's gone again. Could you fish another one out?

Liz? >

Locked.

Look Jim, struck by the mist,

Look at that. Makes you wonder what else is up there.

Look at the size of that thing's rod!

Look at these lab results!

Look Sanch, I know about Linda, and I'm sorry. God knows I am

Look, Dag, maybe we shouldn't do anything.

Look, the mist is retreating.

Looked straight into his face, never been afraid at holding a man's gaze, it's natural.

Lord, it's his call how he chooses to manoeuvre..

Love, loyalty, sacrifice

LP519? This is Dagless, I repeat, this is Dagless. It's ringing.

Lt'll live. I've lost some vision in the left eye and I get headaches.

Man to Scotchman.

Man, you don't need this, leave her at the door.

Maybe he's using the eye child to fill a void left by his dead son.

Maybe Reed has name batteries, like Duracell or Ever Ready.

Me and Liz will search this office.

Me and Sanch don't need a third wheel

Memories.

MEN LAUGH

Men!

Mind how you go, Rick.

Mine is being able to write, produce, direct, act, paint...

Mmm, something smells good.

Mmm. Yeah, that's real good. Mmm.

MONITOR BEEPS

Monkeys were created by God to entertain us. That's all we know.

More of a back of the hand than a punch.

Morning, all. Cheer up, Liz. How's Chef?

Morning, Dag. Morning, Thornton Reed.

Most of you will know me from my extensive canon of chillers

MOTHER SOBS

Move aside!

Move your arse, Liz!

Much in the way women have done ever since they sniffed out my money.

MUSIC: '80s SYNTHESISER ROCK

Must have been insane

MUTTERING

My aunt lives in Scotland. She says it's quite nice.

My best friend's woman's gonna die, she's turning into broccoli.

My business is chill, impure and simple.

My God, you must go!

My half brother, who was such a promising dancer

My hand!

My life is yours.

My mouth feels like somebody parked a car in it.

My orders come from the top Won Ton himself

My publisher Dean Learner and the actor Todd Rivers,

Namely myself and my publisher Dean Learner.

Naturally, we became fascinated with the occult.

Naturellement, I relented, and spent three hours of my life

Need I say more? Need I say more?

Negative this ain't a fresh kill. It don't look like a kill at all

Negative, Sanch. It's neither done nor dusted.

Nice shot, buddy!

No buts. There's a lot of clerical work ahead of you,

No one gave me time off when I had troubles in a similar area.

No one takes days off, everyone grooms each other.

No one. Forget it.

No one's asked that before.

No problem first days can be a real pain in the ass.

No, I think she's just buried in the Eastern Bloc.

No, just looking for recipe ideas. I'm finding food a real bore.

No, Sanch. You have it. I'll grab a coffee instead of water.

No, thanks. I'll have a coffee.

No, you're gonna make it. I'll get help.

No!

No.

No. Gavin just handed me this.

No. I mean... yes. I deserved that.

No. I've paged Dr Sanchez, he'll be here any minute.

Not a problem

Not a word to anyone, capeesh?

Not at all. There's plenty of skirt on the ward.

Not even for the big boys.

Not from me, it's not. I just went.

Not from some bloke with a suitcase.

Not my fault! Monkey bastard hands!

Not putting on an act, but putting on the truth.

Not really

Not so fast, mister.

Not true. It looks great, still.

Nothing.

Now get out of here.

Now it's evolved, become less aggressive.

Now, I don't like to see anyone die,

Now, I've run some tests.

Nowhere can be a lonely place.

Nurse!

Of all the nerve!

Of course!

Oh, a British principality.

Oh, come on! Lt'll be fun!

Oh, come on.

Oh, dear! >

Oh, Jesus, Larry, don't do this to me.

Oh, my God!

Oh, no!

Oh, no! Oh, Jesus!

Oh, nothing. Are you asking me out?

Oh, that's just mist or fog. You'll forget it once you're into it.

Oh, yeah, I shot Duncan. Hang tight.

Oh! God...

OK, buddy, let's dance.

OK.

OK. What'd help me most right now is if you whack a Brillo round this mug,

OK. You take the reins on this, Dag, but make your methods orthodox.

On di bika. Ha ha ha!

On your sofa, or beanbag, if that's how you choose to live your life.

On your tongue, under your ears, on the forehead.

Once.

One coffee coming up!

One night. Larry suggested we open the gates of hell in the canteen.

One strength of the programme is it bridged that gap

One theme proved so controversial, so dangerous, so radical...

Only if they had been left directly next to an air vent?

Only now, in the worst artistic drought in broadcast history,

Ooh ooh!

Ooh! One moment. Nature calls, if you know what I mean.

Or all three?

Or here in Romford.

Or I'll kick your ass so hard you'll be able to build a pool in the footprint. Understood?

Or it'll stain.

Or perhaps you've met me at a book signing.

Or the Krankies, but they're quite shrewd.

Or will happen to a patient in Darkplace?

Other people are good plumbers, that's their gift.

Other times he can hover..

Other times, I copied the plots from dead authors whose copyright had lapsed. Bite me.

Our last doctor recently died in horrific circumstances.

People are regressing to a primal stage. It's spreading fast!

Perhap you have met me twixt sleep and wake

Perhaps you're gently petting, having enjoyed a hamper of chilled white wine

PHONE RINGS

Pin him down, man! For Christ's sake!

PING!

Please accept this shortbread.

Please.

Plus, he'd left the gate open and there was evil everywhere.

Plus, I've got a thing for green women.

Point being I wrote this to heal Britain.

Poor man! Not only has he just been screwed by a giant eye, he's now giving birth!

Porridge.

PRIEST INTONES A PRAYER >

Problem, Thornton?

Pull over!

PULSING

Put conventional logic to one side, and enjoy.

Put the eye down and your hands up!

Put the pedal to the floor cos you're heading for the hills

Put your trousers on.

Quillababno!

Quillababno! >

Reading is in decline.

Real Jimmy Dean. Guess we were two peas punching it out in the same pod.

Reed survives is I only take a tiny sip.

Reed?

Renwick was a gateway to another dimension.

Rick, I beg you, kill me.

Rick, where are you going?

Rick, you've been to hell and back with your dead son.

Rick!

Right away.

Right here with you...

Right. I'll stay here.

ROMANTIC MUSIC

Romeo and Juliet, 'gainst the future of Romford?

Salutations, friend.

Sanch, I saw Linda.

Sanch, I suggest you and I pay Larry a visit, before it's too late, cos it's 8 p.m. now.

Sanch, I thought we were buddies.

Sanch, open the door! Open the door, Sanch! Sanch!

Sanch, we know what's up with your meat and two. I saw you in the gents.

Sanch!

Sanch! Copping zees?

Sanch?

Sanchez will be with you and you'll have a great future together.

Saved my life once. I saved his twice, so I was one up.

Savour.

Scotch mist? But what's Scotch mist?

Scotch mist.

SCREAMS

SCREECHES LIKE APE

SCREECHING

Screechy booze soaked voices hollering for a taxi to take 'em to the next pub.

See you later. I would stay but the air's starting to stink round here.

Seems like a regular burial

Set against the backdrop of an abortive alien invasion

SHE GRUNTS

She has.

She must be boiled.

She said she doesn't love you and to forget what happened because it was meaningless.

She was in for a routine operation to shorten her toe which was really long like a finger.

She was like a zoo in a woman.

She's a good girl, Dag. You're too hard on her.

She's a royal pain in the butt.

She's going bananas!

She's gone. She's all yours, guys.

She's got a face like the proverbial. I think it's her time.

She's here on Won Ton's say so. A star pupil and one Darkplace has high hopes for.

She's pinned Reed against the wall and is propelling objects around.

She's right, the mist is retreating.

She's saying something supernatural's going on.

She's smooth

She's turning into broccoli.

Shit! Monkey drivers!

Should be hurt in the making of a TV programme,

Shouldn't homos get along?

Shut your mouth or I'll punch your lights out!

SIGHS

SILENT

Since Dag re opened the Gates of Hell there's been a glut of terror.

SIREN WAILS

SIRENS WAIL

Sit back, dim the lights or switch them off if you don't have dimmers,

Sit there, little 'un. Watch me glasses.

Skipper!

Slops!

SNIFFS

So ends a chapter in a book I fear has yet to close. Right, Dag?

So finally, here is Darkplace, for the first time on British TV it had a brief run in Peru

So here is my poem to the put upon,

So here's Dean Learner, playing Thornton Reed,

So I banged it out in a day.

So I can't take credit for that one.

So they can bleach the sink.

So we can tell you what it means.

So we're talking creme de la creme.

So what happened between you and this Renwick customer?

So you'd best hurry up.

So, dear pilgrim, I give you my hymn to the heart, with horror,

So, here it be uncut, uncensored,

So, I feel very bad about the cat we killed.

So, you had a vision that something terrible has either happened, is happening,

SOBBING

Some horror novel by... Gareth Marunghi.

Some say I didn't act during, but er...

Someone or something has tampered with our water supply.

Someone took a photo of it blah, blah, blah...

Someone'll have to pick the pube off and it ain't gonna be me.

Someone's given my number out as a massage parlour. Who'd do that?

Something that might come in handy.

Sometimes he can come in from beneath... like a worm... or mole

Sometimes he'll come in at an angle

Sometimes there is.

Sometimes you have to be a bigot to bring down bigger bigots.

Son of a bitch!

Sorry, I thought you were gonna speak.

Sorry, I'm not really this bad tempered. I'm just really peckish.

Sorry, Thornton. Bad dream.

Sounds bang up your alley, Dag.

SOUNDTRACK DROWNS SPEECH

SPLAT

Split up, split up!

SPLUTTERS

Still, so much for possibilite French for possibilities.

Stop being sarcastic.

Strange things.

STRONG SCOTTISH ACCENT

Stuck in a mouldy old office with just a moody woman for company.

Such terrible experiences with...

Sure thing.

Sure, Padre. I think I understand.

Sure. And...

Sure. Here's a pound if you change your mind.

SYNTHESISER POP MUSIC

Take off, shove your lovin' in the wheels

Take that last bit back.

Take this gift, sit back and enjoy

Take this, I hate using these things.

Take this!

Tarragon? Oregano? Never heard of it

Tea, coffee... juice?

Teleki what?

Telekinesis. Someone is propelling objects around this hospital.

Television was up cack alley

Tell her... tell her I'm sorry.

Ten four.

Terry, run a J over the seat. I think Liz has left a souvenir.

Thank God I only took a tiny sip.

Thank you. Sanch will love this.

Thankfully, he didn't succeed.

Thankfully, when I impregnated my wife Pam, she gave birth to twins, a huge relief,

Thanks for being straight with me.

Thanks for coming, Dr Dagless. I thought I heard voices.

Thanks for explaining the situation.

Thanks for saving my life.

Thanks for that lift.

Thanks for the advice. I knew I'd be right.

Thanks to you.

Thanks, Rick.

Thanks, Sanch.

Thanks, Sanch. I'd love a glass.

Thanks.

That could have happened to anyone. Don't beat yourself up about it.

That he didn't want an act, he wanted the truth.

That it would look ridiculous and old fashioned and quite naff.

That it would still be talked about.

That means a lot.

That means I could backtrack 10% and still be behind him.

That new microscope will be great.

That night I was pissed off I was in Glasgow. >

That poem by Wordsworth...

That sounds excellent

That the powers that be became too scared to show it, and gipped me

That top brass finally pulled the axe on the entire project.

That was a long time ago. Got my fingers burnt.

That was Jim. He said Liz is the source of the telekinetic activity.

That way you won't have to think for yourselves which is probably safer.

That way, Darkplace will finally get the critical acclaim it deserves.

That we should be able to take for granted.

That which died in my arms should never have walked on God's earth.

That... with... with the AIDS.

That's a bagpipe.

That's a goddamn lie.

That's a shame, I was looking forward to the chicken.

That's about the size of it.

That's concussion.

That's Dr Rick Dagless MD, the world famous GP.

That's it, that's it.

That's just... fact, scientific fact.

That's my boss. I've gotta go.

That's my question to the Government.

That's no reason to mock this woman's condition.

That's not my bag! What's wrong with you people?

That's peculiar.

That's right, nowhere.

That's the mother, Rick. >

That's the phone.

That's true.

That's what the Garth Marenghi Foundation is about

That's why these are not conventional attacks.

That's why this mist is here. Revenge. I have to face them.

The actor who played that part was not happy.

The cabin crew suggested we all go out and club it. I had no option.

The can of film was destroyed in a drink related misadventure in Fulham.

The clan rejected her. She'd been mauled when I found her, the brutes!

The cosmic spores represented AIDS.

The doctors are literally working for peanuts.

The gents had a pube on the pipes.

The guy happens to be my best bud in the whole world.

The guy in the eye was a man whom he knew and, until that day, trusted.

The Lucozade seems to have helped, but she says she's having visions.

The next sequence in the show, alas, is lost.

The only way to stretch them out

The point is, I thought of myself as a freak, an other.

The pube on the pipe metaphor came from a real life incident at Dean's.

The pube weren't mine.

The Queen appoints a governor, but she's still de facto sovereign.

The reason...

The script to Shuggoth was based on a sonnet I wrote when I was 16.

The show is about rebelliance.

The sweetest days I've found

Then take this. It's my flick knife.

Then tell Neurology to get their butts in gear with that cardiogram.

Then this happened. All in all she's a little off colour!

Then why don't you say wind chime?

There are rebels and there are innovators.

There are scenes where you're watching him as much as me.

There is one thing.

There were tears on set. Not from Garth he was strong for the crew.

There weren't even rhyming dictionaries when Bill wrote that. It's very humbling.

There's a lot of slow motion. The episodes were running up to eight minutes under.

There's always a message or a theme.

There's some Panadol in my locker.

There's that line "Thank God I only took a tiny sip."

These mini seminars will help elucidate and unravel the mysteries of Darkplace

They didn't, which I put down to good parenting.

They dropped, but they kept on going,

They eat through batteries, and they can nick your fingers. Stay local.

They have a habit of sticking to you like...

They want what we have order, sobriety, hope, everything Romford stands for.

They were scared of my script's radical predictions

They work you too hard here. They should pay you a hero's wage.

They would not make this show today.

They'd be the first to accept that.

They'll be after you next. Bye.

They're jealous of our continental ways

They've taken over.

Thing is, I'd play anything er, a Nazi, anything at all.

Things are improving by degrees.

Think about it, Rick. The Darkplace Dagless Kiddy Wing.

This ain't another exploding patient you can sweep under your rug!

This episode is about my own desire to have a son.

This eve's tale o' blood is an allegory.

This eve's yarn is an eternal story of love and loss,

This hospital would be up the creek sans paddle.

This hospital's got a reputation which I intend to keep. I've yet to see any demons on the ward.

This is a place of science. I need panic in the wards like I need a hole in the head.

This is a show about great original writing.

This is it.

This is not just a horror show

This is the 20thC after all. Welcome to Darkplace, Liz.

This is unmanageable. I used to have the best hair in the hospital!

This make up was done years ago for the monkeys.

This says the broccoli spores can be passed on by the physical act of lovemaking.

This show could have changed the world.

This temp was a personal recommendation of Won Ton's.

This time tomorrow the girl he loves will be a complete vegetable.

This'll be Won Ton congratulating us.

Those would be unkind people. I did my best.

Though extracting psychokinetic ability is in its infancy.

Though he's still alive, unbelievable as that seems.

THREE GUNSHOTS

Through the years

THUMP

THUNDER

TICKING AND BUZZING

TINKLING

To get away.

To get some air.

To kill the Queen and then destroy our way of life what every Scotchman wants.

To Linda and her speedy recovery.

Today is the anniversary of Dagless's son's death.

Todd's wonderful in this episode.

Tonight I entrust this episode to you,

Tonight, I take no small amount of pleasure

Tonight's episode is based on a true life story,

Tonight's teleplay is about others, or mutants.

Travellin' way too fast

True but if you mention my shit in Dag's car, you get the thick end of the wedge.

Trust me. It won't be harmed.

Try and get a husband, get some stability in your life, OK?

Two, three, four... five?

Ugh, oh!

Uh huh. Bye.

Um... I've lost so many friends to that terrible disease

Unbelievable, unpalatable,

Under the circumstances, it's the least she can do.

Ungh!

Unreliable.

Urgh! Another one. As if I didn't have enough to do, with this mist.

Very quietly and very peacefully,

Voici. You're welcome.

WAILING

Wait, Thornton, that's not all. Instead they put a frozen slab of meat in a deep fat fryer

Wait!

Was it Rick? This hospital? Or was it both?

Was too hot to last

Was too...

Was with slow motion.

Water, water, everywhere and not a drop to drink.

We are seeing an end to the quality of television

We can build that children's wing.

We didn't know what it would achieve,

We filmed it in my garage. I had a big garage,

We found out the mist was poisonous

We had so much to teach each other.

We have reconstructed the missing scenes with added narration from the available cast.

We knew at the time it was raw

We made a pact to push each other's minds to the limit and beyond.

We must lick this problem before it slaps us in the nuts. We need data.

We must shut it again as soon as possible.

We saw the beast in us.

We should tell Reed that Dagless is harbouring the eye child.

We were like animals.

We were young, physically fit and we were challenging logic.

We'd never make it. The batteries in these fans are spent.

We're doing all we can, but I'm not Jesus Christ. I've come to accept that now.

We're family now.

We've all got one.

We've got a situation.

We've got a situation. A lass has just cracked her nut and if she croaks, my ass is grass.

We've got the full backing of the Army. We've already got a child who's very intuitive.

Welcome to Darkplace. I've seen more auspicious starts.

Welcome, friend.

Welcome, friend. I'm Garth Marenghi, horror writer,

Well done, fellas and Liz.

Well, I say enjoy...

Well, she's wrong.

Well, you'd better do something, and fast.

Well, you'd hope so.

Well, you'd hope.

Well, you're an idiot, because my books always say something,

What about the hair?

What are you doing for dinner, Liz?

What do you make of it, Dag?

What do you mean?

What does it mean?

What I was asking in that scene is:

What is it?

What is that sound?

What shall we do, Reed?

What shall we do?

What still points the way forward for humanity.

What things?

What was it like?

What?

What? Am I holding a crock of shit?

What's going on with that chicken? >

What's this?

What's wrong with you, Dag?

What's wrong, Dag? Looks like you've got the weight of the world on your shoulders.

When a storm forced us to ditch in Prestwick.

When he exploded that gateway opened.

When I pray, and sometimes I do...

When I wrote, directed and starred in Darkplace back in the 1980s,

When I wrote, directed and starred in Garth Marenghi's Darkplace for TV back in the 1980s,

When I wrote, directed and starred in Garth Marenghi's Darkplace in the 1980s,

When I wrote, directed and starred in tonight's Garth Marenghi's Darkplace,

When my wife died, I could barely finish my lunch.

When two techies died, yes.

Where were you last night?

Where's her "sacred V"?

Where's the sensuality?

Where's this flipping chicken?

Where's, "He glided in, liquid smooth"? Where's her "wispy mound"?

Whether it be in 'Nam, where I fought for my country,

Whether it was a colleague or a pet...

Which I'll never have because my wife's too old.

WHIRRING

Who bites the hand that feeds. This hand.

Who deals with the bulk of my admin.

Who knows, she might even do a decent job. I wish her the very best.

Who said that?

Who was there at its creation and didn't die or offend me.

Who's in rebelliance against conventional logic, the world order.

Who's Renwick?

Who's that? He has a special aura around him

Who's this?

Whoa!

Whoa! Are you all right?

Whoe'er he be, often he's both,

Why are you two still here? Scram!

Why don't you and your new boyfriend bring me some chicken?

Why not help instead of standing there dreaming about lipstick?

Why would dead Scottish warriors come south?

Why's Liz here?

Will you get your hands dirty or let things clog up the system?

Wish me luck.

With interviews from my publisher, Dean Learner,

With interviews from myself, my publisher Dean Learner and the actor Todd Rivers.

With Larry back, it feels like the gates could re open any second

With modern writers, it's, " He licked her, she sucked that,

With the presumption heavily on dead. I don't think they'll find anything.

With you, it was real. I did it because you're different.

Within a year, financial problems will be history!

Without giving too much away, think Planet Of The Apes.

Won Ton believes the giant eye fathered a child.

Won Ton's mumps programme went west and created a horny giant eye on legs.

Word is it's coming Thursday. But you know what deliveries are like.

Would you like a drink of something?

Would you like a drink...

Would you two like some water?

Ya!

Ya! Heh heh!

Yaven! Yaven!

Yeah, it's me, Dag. I've been cornered by some cutlery.

Yeah.

Yeah. Something like that.

Yeah. Yeah, I do, big guy.

Yep. That's me.

Yes, buddy?

Yes, but Homo erectus is famed for meanness

Yes, but they were dying it was their last wish.

Yes, I'd prefer a beer!

Yes, I'll hold.

Yes. I hope that's not a problem.

Yes. Watch this.

Yonder stars shine bright

You bet.

You can be my baby

You can call me Pops or Dadda.

You can count me out, Reed. It's all voodoo nonsense.

You can dissect a heart, but you'll never know what makes it skip a beat.

You can't stand it that this time I got the girl.

You could steam her.

You could use the extra pocket money for clothes and make up.

You don't use in a sex scene

You get Jim back to the hospital. I'll cover you.

You goddamned evil misty Jocks.

You got it.

You guys and the temp can search the wards,

You guys are so cruel.

You hang on in there, bud. Hang on in there for Rick.

You have a little brother now

You have no excuse for not getting it.

You have no idea what this feels like, old timer.

You know how I feel about Won Ton I wouldn't even slap his ass.

You know me, Dag. I'm too busy just stayin' alive!

You know, my books are all essentially about "what ifs".

You like Scotch food, Liz? I know a little place we can go.

You look better. Do you feel you're getting better?

You look like a dropout.

You never let me down

You think this eye child is linked with the big eye that ****d the man in B wing?

You used this to treat him?

You won't get an animal impersonator like her again

You'd best go see to the mother, I had to put a cap in her shoulder.

You'd better believe it. I'll phone Reed.

You'll know what to do.

You're a flippin' fool! >

You're a fool! You're a fool to walk away from this! A fool!

You're a fool! You're a fool!

You're acting like an ape, a wild ape!

You're both out of line. I'm not gonna dance for you. I don't have to.

You're both right, it is retreating.

You're gonna have a long sleep, and you'll wake up right as rain.

You're gonna have to make me.

You're hiding something, Dag.

You're Homo erectus but for how long?

You're ignoring the story

You're not getting my rod without a fight.

You're paying for reliability.

You're right, I'm not. I use sarcasm as a defence.

You're right, that was funny.

You're right. I do.

You're running on adrenaline and that's what you have to capture in the mise en scene

You're squabbling over this like dogs with meat

You're the first real buddy I ever had.

You're the most sensitive man I know, and I know God.

You're welcome, little man. He's a good kid, but keep him off the smack.

You're welcome.

You've turned my life around

Your daddy's very sick, champ.

Your operation's in five minutes.

23 hours, 59 minutes.

50 50 they'll get along. That's encouraging.

'What would she throw at us next?' In God's name...

"Honeyed lining". "Mossy cleft"?

A complete tool? It's powerful stuff.

A dream catcher. What's a dream catcher?

Aargh! Argh!

Agh! Rick!

And I'm Bo Derek. No, you're not.

And, Dag? Yeah?

As if your fanny never graced a pan. What's crawled up your crack?

At least you're not going with Liz. That's true.

But coffee's free here. Shh! She don't know that.

But I'm glad he's in our deck. Let's hope he plays a fair hand.

But surely... That's all we know, Rick!

Dagless should be back by now. We have to help him.

Everything's a joke to you! Not everything, Liz.

Fair enough. I'm going solo on this

Got to get away, can't take it no more We should be makin' love

Have you ever been in love, Padre? Only with the holy three.

Have you ever done that before? What? Making love?

He'll come up trumps. If it's not a joker in the pack.

He's out of line. He's out of line!

Heard of yours, pal. I've had it with you clowns.

Hold me in your arms. We don't even know each other's names.

How are you feeling in here, Sanch? I'm bearing up. You know me, Dag.

I better had. Well, go, then.

I don't know what you're talking about. Yes, you do.

I dunno what you're talking about. 24 hours, Dag. 24 hours.

I get by. I've been hearing some things.

I see the past, the present and the future. Tough gig.

I'd love a glass of water. NO! That's mine.

I'll get a Wimpy. Your call, Dag.

I'm coming with you. No, you're not.

I'm going. Bye. Goodbye.

I've asked Reed to assist me. He's not been in surgery in ten years!

It's a dependent territory. What's that?

It's got Liz, too. Whatever "it" is.

It's Liz! She's having a vision! Argh!

It's the phone. Reed!

Just say the word. The gents...

Linda. Dr Sanchez.

Mild discomfort. Tell Reed what colour it is!

My son. I didn't know you had a...

No, Liz. No

No. I think I'll wash my hair. OK.

Not if I catch the mongrel first. I don't understand it!

Nowhere. Nowhere?

Oh... What is it?

OK, Liz. No need to go ape. Hey! I thought I told you!

Olive green. What of it? We'll have to lop it off.

Plus I've got a headache. Whatever.

Pull over! Um gettawa!

Room 213. 'That's where Renwick is.'

Shut your mouth, Liz! Shut yours, Sanch, that was funny.

Stay holy. Amen!

Strange name for an American. I'm from Bermuda.

Tell Dag, it's Liz. OK, I'll get help.

Thanks, Rick. I was hysterical. What is it?

Thanks. Replace them when you get a chance.

That's not all, Reed and Rick. Isn't it?

The doctors want their chicken. It'll be ready in five minutes

the theme's prejudice, by the way so outre, out there,

The word is it'll be five minutes. I'll believe that when I see it.

Things? Things.

This ain't orthodox, Liz. Since when were you orthodox, Rick?

This is serious, Thornton. Come on, Dag. That was funny.

Time's running out. What are you up to?

Wait, I have more things to say. Go on. Sorry for the interruption.

Was it you, missy? I said five minutes. But...

What do you mean? This hospital's running well despite all this.

What happened? Shit happened, sweetheart.

What is it? Cordless iron. Friggin' smarts as well.

What we've always dreamed about. Not this way, Reed. It's barbaric.

What? I..

What's your name, son? Clive.

Whoops! Ah, you've spilt.

Yes, Liz? Thanks for the lobotomy.

You and he were buddies, weren't you? Once.

You and I are Homo sapiens? Correct.

You can't say that. Liz, I've met a lot of Scotch people.

You did what you had to do. I know, but do tell her I'm sorry.

You knew him, didn't you? You really are psychic.

You stay here. But Rick..

You're a good kid. And you're a great doctor.

You're overworked as it is. It'd be a total hassle.

You've heard of me? Who in medicine hasn't?

...and prayed.

...but you could tell that scene meant a lot to him.

...I answer myself.

...I pray to myself.

...I'll grab a coffee instead...

...thanks, buddy.

'80S ACTION MUSIC

'a courtesy for which they'd yet to thank me.'

'although I thought what Reed said about Liz going bananas was witty.

'Although still a competent surgeon, he does now smell like an ape.

'Amist that fogged men's minds. The mist of mist understanding.

'An apeloid micturating which means urinating

'and deal with the burden of day to day admin

'And I had to help the temp who was probably doing some filing or data entry.

'and I went back to my humble doctor's duties.'

'and that person, methought, was moi.

'And that takes humility.

'And the weatherman had said, and I quote, "More mist to come."

'and thumbed open the new day's crack.'

'And what was "it" anyway?

'Anew terror in Darkplace

'As I rounded the corner, I felt muscular and compact, like corned beef.

'As Linda breathed her last green breath,

'as rosy fingered dawn cupped Romford in its hands

'At least he was at peace now, on account of being dead.

'At this stage in the narrative it would be odd if he did.'

'atavistic tendencies, use them for malevolent schemes.

'Awoman turned green last night after breathing in a green gas.

'bn my erstwhile former buddy.'

'br insisting on splitting a restaurant bill, even though that's only fair.

'btherwise you're no better than Bill Wyman.'

'But a man must not let his beast be his master,

'but evil doors, dark doors, doors to the beyond.

'but first, I had to visit a very special friend.'

'but I'd need a scotch to tell you about that.

'but if they found my baby they'd probably dissect him.'

'but it felt good to have this little fellow near to me.

'but it is now too late for Linda.'

'but it might just take your mind off things

'but not even that could spoil this beautiful moment

'but on the way I made a special detour.'

'But was he the only one?

'but was probably nearer 20 minutes to half an hour.'

'But when I'd finished saying "'kay" to Reed, I had a premovision.'

'Dagless and Reed remove the affected penis and leave Sanchez to recuperate,

'Damn thing's come alive in my hand.'

'Darkplace was getting to us from within, and what we had to fear most was ourselves.

'Don't think of anything.

'Doors hard to shut because they were abstract and didn't have handles.

'Each man must acknowledge his beast,

'Escaped it.'

'everyone was acting like monkeys.'

'Eye child?'

'Filing cabinet.'

'forgetting to acknowledge them in front of one's friends,

'From this day on, I'd have to fight these forces of darkness

'Funny, that cat just told me to leave.'

'Funny!'

'Got the call chef down and it can't wait till morning.

'Have a thumb of this. It looks like a tawdry horror paperback

'He contaminated our water.

'He developed a serum extracted from gibbons' gonads

'He discovered he could access mankind's

'He was having experimental gamma ray treatment for mumps

'He was once a scientist who specialised in human evolution.

'He's onto me. Change tack.' What are you reading?

'Head of the department. A ball buster. But then, he had to answer to Won Ton.'

'Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

'Hence "Darkplace".

'Here I found the fiendish fount of this fear.

'Heroically I let Sanch, Jim and Liz run back without me.

'How can I tell him she's dying? Lt'll tear him apart.'

'how the monkeys ruled Darkplace, how they'd taken over.'

'I beat him easily, but he learned something from each fresh defeat.

'I couldn't work out how he managed to make another man pregnant.

'I developed an antidote, so everyone's normal

'I found myself alone in a primitive land

'I got the call too early to grab a shower,

'I guess we'd never know.

'I had a hunch this guy was the head honcho.'

'I had to get my baby to the staff room.'

'I had to help Reed, trapped in his office by a desk he could no longer trust.

'I had to help Sanchez, locked in primal struggle 'twixt man and whisk

'I hadn't been getting much sleep lately. Not that Darkplace lets you get much sleep.

'I hope she doesn't see the photo.'

'I kept thinking about Larry and how inconvenient his blowing up had been.

'I knew what I had to do.'

'I led Liz, by now a sick parody of womanhood, down the corridor.

'I pressed on, chased by a stapler with my name on it. This was unbelievable

'I ran like my life depended on it, which it did.'

'I ran the only way I knew how, by placing one leg in front of the other in quick succession.

'I really hoped it wouldn't.

'I repeat, this is a DEFCON 4 situation.'

'I should have given the kid up to hospital top brass,

'I still haven't had a glass of water.

'I thought of the good times we had together, playing games.

'I turned one way...

'I was cruising down to Ward B to find out.

'I was determined to stay sardonic,

'I went for a drive to clear my head, which is why I'm now in the car.

'I wish I was more attractive like Dagless

'I'd been asleep for a month, which is ages. Reed told me everything

'I'd been called out to Darkplace grounds. It was taking ages because of the mist.

'I'd been pound foolish. I could see that now.

'I'd have to look out for everyone not that I'd get any thanks.'

'I'd have to try and change.

'I'd stopped out of my way to give Sanchez and Asher a lift,

'I'll find out what's going on.'

'I'm Dr Rick Dagless MD.

'I'm Garth Marenghi author, dream weaver, visionary, plus actor

'I'm Garth Marenghi author, dream weaver, visionary, plus actor.

'I'm Garth Marenghi author, dream weaver, visionary, plus actor.'

'if the world didn't include Dr Rick Dagless MD what was up with him?'

'in association with Dean Learner

'in association with Dean Learner.'

'In my private bones I knew they'd be safe this mist was out for one person only,

'Irony of irony, all this paper meant more paperwork.

'It felt like I had a son again.'

'It involved a hop and the blades of a helicopter.'

'It was a double edged point

'It worsens. The padre, my friend and colleague, is now an ape.

'Just leave!'

'Kay.

'Lf only there was a foundation to harness kids' psychokinetic powers.

'Life of its...'

'Linda worsens. Sanchez is rushed to surgery to stop the infection spreading.'

'Liz was turning my own stationery against me.

'Look at that, Liz has even struck the kiddie wing.

'Luckily, this mist was a metaphor and wouldn't affect things much.

'Make up really is a godsend.

'Maybe the gates to hell had closed once and for all. Maybe they hadn't

'Memories.'

'More like portals, really

'My bonce having been knocked, I fell into a strange fantastical dream,

'My head felt like a plum without the pip.

'My name is Dr Rick Dagless MD.

'My name is Dr Rick Dagless MD. It's 3 a.m. and it's misty. Too misty.

'My name is Dr Rick Dagless, MD.

'My name is Dr Rick Dagless, MD.'

'Never take drugs!'

'Not the literal doors of the building,

'Nothing could take my son's place, not even a pet,

'Now my cheeks are freshly rouged, I feel like a real woman again, like I can face the world

'Now she's gone I can think about the eye child.'

'Oh, my God, kitchen sink and all!'

'On a nearby roof, a bird took flight

'Once you added that to the mist already here, that's a mess of mist.

'One mist had gone, but another mist remained. A worst mist.

'Oould the padre elucidate matters?

'Oould this be linked to the green cloud over the hospital's air vent?

'passed through chimps' balls at light speed, it turned men into monkeys.

'Poor guy ladle to the head and a fork where a fork don't fit

'Reed hauled us in for the morning debrief, but mine were staying on.'

'Reed was on to me. I needed to stash the sprog till the heat cooled off.

'Remember, Liz can read your mind.'

'rich in imaginative imagery

'Sanchez, my friend, my buddy, is now an ape.

'Shit, that was a bad throw!

'so I had to make do with a quick rinse round key areas.

'So many questions. Why Liz? Why the padre? Why Sanchez?

'so muggins had to haul ass down there and kiss it better,

'Some little missy took a nosedive in reception,

'Specially these days.'

'Still, one can only dream.'

'Suck on that.'

'That and AIDS. If you want it, wear one sex, that is, not AIDS. No one wants AIDS.

'That giant eye was once a young man.

'That night we performed the rite and opened the gate.'

'That was Thornton Reed, my boss.

'That would prove his undoing,

'That's Dr Lucien Sanchez, hotshot surgeon. He's a good buddy.'

'That's Liz. Remember, Dagless, she's psychic.

'The broccoli had gone, but the hurt remained for all of us.

'the cloud disappeared much like the Scotch Mist did last week

'The doors of Darkplace were open

'The horror genre is in decline. Um...'

'The mist rolled rellent lessly round Darkplace, much like smoke or fog.

'The one thing he could do was outjump me.

'The pillows are like cardboard and my duvet's all lumpy.

'The word on the ward was no, he weren't.

'Then back.

'Then forward.

'Then I saw myself as a monkey.'

'Then the other.

'There was something about this mist. What? I hadn't the foggiest.'

'There's a clean sofa and the coffee's complimentary.

'They can get upset at the slightest thing

'They've taken over! They've taken over!'

'This damned evil place was getting crazier by the day.'

'This hospital was turning into a jungle

'This is good! I've misjudged the genre like so many.'

'This place was dark, damn dark.

'This sorry madam was about to get a double dose of Darkplace Dagless medicine.'

'though I would like a Jack Russell. They are clever dogs.

'Tomorrow I'd tell her she'd lost weight, or her hair looked nice,

'Unreliable.'

'Wait! It is the water!'

'We are seeing a dumbing down of television.

'We laughed to protect ourselves, to mask the awful horror,

'We parked the wheels and hauled ass to Reed's office,

'We stood for what seemed like forever

'We'd seen a new side to Liz.

'We're living in dangerous times.

'What the?'

'When Sanchez heard what Liz had to say, he nearly split a log.'

'when the eyeball of a sex offender got in the reactor chamber with him.

'where phantasm, spelt with PH not F, abounded.

'whether through sport or violent films.

'whichever seemed more plausible.'

'Who was next? Would it get me?

'Why not Reed? Why not me?

'Why won't she be mine?

'Yeah? Come on!'

'Yes, that makes sense.'

'You are about to enter the world of my imagination

'You are about to enter the world of my imagination.

'You are entering my Darkplace.

'You are entering my Darkplace.'

'You're not gonna find out later.'

"'Beneath its skyline's tattered shards lay a million broken dreams."

"'Injustice made anger rise up in him like a bad sandwich."'

"'Romford is the cruellest of cities." Nice start.

"'Romford, home to Trent Stockton.

"'That morning it had rained. But later it cleared up."'

"40 years? 50 years?

"A very bad place indeed."

"and bits of sick."

"and I do not say that lightly."

"And piss and shit.

"Blood? Blood. Crimson, copper smelling blood. His blood.

"Blood. Ruby red blood. Her blood. Blood.

"Blood...

"Blood... blood.

"buddies, weren't you?"

"But it was a bad place. That much was certain.

"Exhausted, they collapsed onto the recently extended sofa bed.

"for the money we've got seeing as we've got no money. It's ambitious."

"From them rose millions of tiny maggots.

"Garth...

"He whisked off her shoes and panties in one movement, wild like an enraged shark,

"his bulky totem beating a seductive rhythm.

"I wandered lonely as a cloud That floats on high o'er vales and hills,

"In the background, there was a pigeon.

"Lt" has a name. It's called Skipper.

"Maggots, maggots, maggots.

"Maggots? Maggots.

"Maggots. All over the floor of the Post Office in Leytonstone."

"Mary's body was burning, though the room was properly air conditioned.

"Mike stared in disbelief as his hands fell off.

"Mon" means "man", but I don't think "och" means anything.

"Nina's eyes popped out of what was left of her back.

"No, they weren't

"She knew babies were meant to kick, but were they meant to scratch?"

"She was out in the back room, smoking and flirting with Doctor.

"someone put it there, he held it, at this frequency."

"Something was pouring from his mouth. He examined his sleeve.

"Tempus immemoria ie always?

"that sentence needs a verb."

"The gnarled pa****ts jagged upwards like a bony hand of icy indifference.

"The moonlight shone down on the place, unhindered.

"The pain shot through her like a big bullet.

"The sand turned red. This was because she was bleeding on it.

"Then a hell beast ate them."

"They tried all the positions on top, doggy, and normal.

"This is a DEFCON 4 situation.

"This was the worst day of her life."

"Tina screamed for Nurse, but little miss nurse didn't come.

"When all at once I saw a cloud, a host, of gleaming daffodils".

"When's the chicken?" The chicken's ready when I say it's ready.

"Who knew how long the place had stood there?

"Why had she opened that tomb?

"You and he were...

('Kay.)

(Answerphone) 'Hello, I'm calling about arranging a massage.'

(Both) Good luck.

(Both) Good morning.

(Both) No!

(Boy) Daddy, don't forget me

(Chef) Goddamn son of a bitch. This is great chicken, getting nothing but flak.

(Chef) Son of a bitch.

(Dag) Aargh!

(Dean) 'Don't touch it!'

(Dean) 'Garth Marenghi's Darkplace is a Garth Marenghi production

(Dean) Garth's place in history is assured, his place is assured.

(Echoes) Freak!

(Faint) 'Och, it'll grow out.'

(Garth) 'Reed calls for backup and a general anaesthetic is administered.'

(Garth) 'Sanchez lunges at Reed but is held down by Dagless.'

(Hey, big guy.)

(Hey.)

(Liz) 'Give us a detailed explanation.'

(ln slow motion) No..

(Mind how you go!)

(Oh, yes!)

(Over phone) 'Knives, cutlery all over the shop!'

(Reed) 'Attention all doctors look out for a dangerous eye on the ward.'

(Reed) 'Look out, he's got a stick!'

(Reed) Dagless was right about burning Renwick.

(Reed) I know!

(Reed) The door, the door, the door.

(Reed) Three hours.

(Reed) Yeah, it is funny

(Rick) 'We ended up going to the staffroom.

(Rick) Exactly.

(Rick) Have you ordered chicken?

(Rick) Let me live my own life, Sanch. They're fine.

(Rick) Powerzone Turbo Cells. Got a bag of 'em down Herne Bay market. £1 for 30.

(Rick) Try the fish

(Rick) We asked everyone if they're the attacker and they all said no.

(Sanch and Liz) Rick!

(Sanch) 'Jesus! Been in the gym.'

(Sanch) 'OK, come on!'

(Sanch) 'You again, you bastard.'

(Sanch) Argh!

(Sanch) Dag, what batteries are you using?

(Sanch) Get a wriggle on! This way!

(Sanch) He's insane! He doesn't know what he's doing!

(Sanch) Hm. Can I speak frankly? (Rick) Of course.

(Sanch) How long have you been here?

(Sanch) If you act like an cheap arsehole, expect the shittiest portion.

(Sanch) It's always the same.

(Sanch) Look out, he's got a gun!

(Sanch) One dirty trick, on my back! Bastard!

(Sanch) See you soon, gang!

(Sanch) Well, that'll stop him. >

(Sanch) Would you like some water? (Rick) I don't have time to drink..

(Sanch) Yes, yes, of course I have.

(Sanchez) Get lost.

(Slowed down) Aargh! Aargh!

(Tannoy) 'Dr Sanchez, if you don't come to surgery, we'll start without you.'

(Tannoy) 'Emergency in surgery. Emergency in surgery.'

(Tannoy) "Dr Dagless to Ward B. Dr Dagless to Ward B."

(Temp) So that's why we're searching the hospital basement?

[BUBBLING]

< (Liz) What is it, Rick?

< Dag? In here.

< Don't drink it! It's green!

< Liz!

< Look. Their faces are patterned.

< Sanch would be here,

< SIGHING

< What is it?

< Yeah?

< You think she's still alive, then?

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace - Season 1
Garth Marenghi's Darkplace: A Brilliantly Bizarre Television Show Garth Marenghi's Darkplace, a cult classic television show, first aired in 2004. This satirical horror-comedy series quickly gained a loyal fanbase due to its unique blend of slapstick humor, obscure references, and intentionally over-the-top acting. The show, created by Matthew Holness and Richard Ayoade, only ran for one season consisting of six episodes, leaving fans craving for more. Set in the fictional Darkplace Hospital, the series follows the enigmatic Garth Marenghi (played by Matthew Holness) as he takes on the role of Dr. Rick Dagless, MD. The cast also includes a talented ensemble comprising of Richard Ayoade as Dr. Lucien Sanchez, Matt Berry as Thornton Reed, and Alice Lowe as Liz Asher. Each episode centers around a supernatural occurrence threatening the tranquility of Darkplace Hospital, with Marenghi and his eccentric team battling against the forces of evil. What sets Garth Marenghi's Darkplace apart from other shows is its deliberate low-budget, 1980s aesthetic. The creators brilliantly capture the essence of dated television, complete with intentionally poor special effects, cheesy dialogue, and exaggerated acting. This adds to the charm of the series, as it satirizes the era while simultaneously paying homage to it. The show's theme song perfectly encapsulates its overall vibe. Titled "One Track Lover," the song was performed by Garth Marenghi himself and features delightfully nonsensical lyrics. Combining elements of synth-pop and new wave, it serves as the perfect introduction to the quirky world of Darkplace. Fans of the show can enjoy this iconic theme song and other soundtracks by visiting the show's official website, where they can both stream and download these sounds. One of the standout episodes from the first season is "Skipper the Eyechild." In this bizarre installment, a half-human, half-grasshopper creature wreaks havoc on the hospital, causing chaos and confusion. The horrors are hilariously exaggerated, and the characters deliver lines with over-the-top intensity, enhancing the absurdity of the situation. Despite its intentionally poor production values, the show manages to evoke genuine laughter from viewers. Another unforgettable episode is "Hell Hath Fury," in which a possessed mop bucket leads to complete madness. As characters are possessed one by one, including Garth Marenghi himself, chaos ensues within the hospital's walls. The exaggerated performances and intentionally bad special effects add to the comedy of the situation, making it a fan-favorite episode. Garth Marenghi's Darkplace, while short-lived, has left a lasting impression on fans. The show's unique blend of humor and horror, combined with its dedication to parodying dated television, has solidified its place in pop culture. The characters and their absurd antics have become beloved by viewers and continue to be celebrated long after the show's cancellation. For those seeking a dose of nostalgia and humor, Garth Marenghi's Darkplace remains highly recommended. Whether you're a fan of horror, comedy, or simply enjoy the absurd, this series delivers on all fronts. With its memorable cast, unforgettable episodes, and intentionally cheesy production values, it is a must-watch for lovers of cult television. So, if you're ready to embark on a journey to Darkplace Hospital, head over to the official website where you can immerse yourself in the sounds of this delightfully bizarre television show. Whether you want to stream the iconic theme song, "One Track Lover," or download other soundtracks, this treasure trove of entertainment is just a click away. Get ready to laugh, cringe, and enter the wacky world of Garth Marenghi's Darkplace.
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