Weekend at Bernie's (1989) Soundboard Edit

A house. Cars. Women.

All I am saying is, why don't we just pretend he didn't die?

All right. Enough. It's just until I can afford something decent

All right. Okay. All right, buddy I am going to explain it to you real slow

And not the old joystick, you know what I mean?

And then I find out that my dead boss is not only a thief, he wants to kill me.

And we're two schmucks.

Are dated after the policy holder died, Bernie.

Are you in here?

As you may or may not know, Mr. Lomax...

At this point, why not? Mr. Lomax is...

Bernie, baby, get off your ass. It's party time!

Bernie, let go of me.

Bernie, you're starting to peel.

Bet that thing moves, huh? Jesus.

But they just always liked to travel in trains.

Come on.

Coming back.

Coming through!

Dead.

Didn't you say you'd be spending this weekend with your parents?

Do something, Rich.

Do you know how much it costs to park a car in Manhattan every month?

Drive the boat, Richard.

Excuse me, miss.

Excuse me.

Floating party. Happens every weekend.

Gentlemen, how long have you two been working here?

Get the door

Give me those papers!

Giving it gas

Good night, buddy.

Gwen.

Had a chance to think about my offer?

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is...

Hampton Island.

He loves us.

He says there's no interest in the subject matter.

He's very upset. Richard, look

Hello, is this the police? Yes...

Hello?

Here comes Bernie.

Here we go, my friend.

Here.

Hey, Bernie, showing off again?

Hey, Bernie. The Maserati. I painted it black for you.

Hi

Hold on. We'll be right there

Hold the boat, please.

Holy crap!

Holy shit. Look at this.

Hot enough for you, Larry?

I am real good at that.

I am spending it with my folks.

I am usually 45 minutes late. I am early today.

I can't blame you. Who'd want to live with their folks? That's no good.

I didn't kill him. He's not dead.

I don't want to see you.

I got an idea.

I got it, thanks.

I know he loved you.

I know, Alice, but he won't bend on it

I liked the guy.

I mean there is no sense sending up a bunch of red flags.

I see.

I told you we should've taken a taxi from the station.

I trained you.

I'll grab the bow line.

I'm crazy about you.

I'm gonna die

I've been at it for quite some time. Weekends also.

I've got to go. Duty calls

I've had a crush on you since the first day I saw you at work.

In an overall insurance portfolio.

Incidentally, you're a disgusting human being

Is this great or what?

It's all right

It's empty

It's hot. It's in a high crime area. Beats living with Mom and Dad.

It's the killer

Keep the piece of shit.

Kick me in the ass.

Ladies, how are you?

Ladies, how are you?

Ladies. Hello. How are you today?

Let me explain something to you.

Let me just say one thing here. There's no reason to get pissy about this.

Let me rephrase that

Let's party.

Like your mother and father were dead

Listen to me!

Liza's maid is over for the weekend, and I had to give her your regular time

Lomax is dead, somebody is trying to kill us.

Look at this fool. He wants to get off, we want to get on.

Look, I'll see you later.

Love you, darling, just love you. You know, you could use a little sun.

Mine still works.

Move it! This way!

Never seen you this relaxed before. Keep it up.

No, Harris, why don't you turn up the heat?

No, I've no idea what to say.

No, she couldn't have.

No, this is my first time. This is great

No? You'll be begging me.

Nobody else knows that.

Nothing.

Now get out of here. Go on.

Now he's turning me into a drag queen.

Oh, boy

Oh, no. Bernie and I are in a very big business meeting.

Okay, gentlemen?

Okay.

One more you get out of jail free. All right. Fine. Your turn. I'll roll.

Please.

Ready? On three, here we go. One, two, three

Rich, grab him. Grab a leg.

Right after 27.

Right. You are right. Okay, I am sorry.

Sammy. Hank. How are you?

Second prize in a beauty contest

She said, "I hope your aunt feels better."

She's a summer intern. She'll be gone in a week.

Somebody talk to the captain

Sorry, Rich. Coming back.

Sorry. I didn't realize you had company

Stop the boat.

That's all right, Monroe.

That's computer ink, sir.

That's what it says

The anchor, throw it.

The good news is, I can see again.

The killer might not know it's Bernie and shoot us.

There's another one.

There's no Bernie.

There's no dial tone. With 97 buttons...

There's no place to hide.

There's nothing from a Doreena, a Martha, Judy?

This is fabulous.

This is good. She discovers the body, she calls the police

To the bedroom.

Turn the boat.

Unless he's the one whose been stealing from the company.

Wait a minute

Watch this, Richard.

We are going to have a good time, I guarantee

We can't just leave him there, you know.

We don't know what to say, Bernie.

We were really looking forward to coming out here..

We're going to be here all weekend. We are houseguests

What about it?

What gives? She has been up there, what,

What?

What?

When do you expect Ed back? It's a bit of an emergency

When there's more privacy.

Where is he?

Where the hell are you, you son of a bitch?

Whether Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were secretly married.

Who cares? What are we gonna do about it? We can't take him out like this.

Why couldn't he say you were having the operation?

Why do these things always happen to me?

Wow.

Yeah. Hampton Island.

Yes, Operator, can you get me the police, please? Thank you.

Yes! Free parking. $500 for me.

You are beautiful!

You are probably right. Oh, Bernie.

You are right. We better get him.

You better put that thing back on the dead body.

You deserve it, Richard. The company owes you.

You don't have to answer this if you don't want to...

You dummy, why don't you watch where you are going?

You gentlemen were saying...

You had maybe one job to do. Watch a dead body.

You let me sleep till 11:30? I have...

You slay me, Bernie.

You sure these figures are accurate?

You're right. I'm sorry.

You've got to be the weirdest guy I've ever met

A little longer, I think. Longer? I was here before you.

Am I? Yes

and I still have to plant the note. Yeah.

And you didn't want to come. I admit it, I was wrong.

Are you kidding me? No, I'm serious. You could catch a cold.

Bless you, my son. Thank you, Father.

don't kill them while I'm around. Bernie, we're on the phone here.

Get back here, you little monster. Never mind him.

Good God! He didn't need it anymore.

Good. Quite a shack you have here.

Here we go! We're going home. Give it some gas now.

Here we go. That's it, Bernie. Hi, Bernie.

Hi, guys. Hi.

Hi. Look, don't forget to tell Bernie, okay? Okay.

How did he get down here? He walked.

I am glad you finally asked me out. You are?

I did not hear you come in. I know.

I don't understand why we've to move him. Don't ask. Just move him

I guess we are going to the beach. Wilson at the line.

I have an idea. What is it?

I just want my $90, okay? Bullshit!

I'm gonna kill you. What?

I'm sorry, but we're still gonna die. Not if Bernie's with us

I'm sorry. Excuse me.

I've a reputation to protect here. For Christ's sakes, Larry!

It doesn't matter. It does matter, Richard

Larry. What?

Let's go to the beach. No.

Making any sense? Yeah, he died four times.

Nothing is happening, Larry. I know that.

Okay. We're early. You schmuck.

on a dead body. I'm getting swimmer's ear.

Operator. Operator, the police, please.

Push something else. Something's happening.

Sambuca on the rocks. Yes, sir.

Scram! Get out of here! You little bastard

So long, Lar, it has been fun but not really. Goodbye, Rich

Sorry. Coming through.

That one works. Richard.

The papers are going to the beach. We aren't going.

Try the key again. Fine

Well, hello, Gwen. Wayne. Hi

What are you doing? What do you want?

What is happening out there, buddy? Sizzle, sizzle...

What? I said...

What? You deserve more than this

What's going on? That's illegal.

Yeah. Help! Okay.

Yes, I did. I am. They have a house here. Great.

You have a butler? Yeah. Don't get him started.

You want me to talk to her? Yes

You're doing well. Trying to get us off this island of hell.