Peep Show - Season 2 Edit

A ha ha hah!

A bit of a rinse, actually, mate.

A bit of crack.

A husk? That doesn't sound good.

A joke?

A joke.

A kind of Jean Michel Jarre thing on the keyboards

A mate just called. He has a poker school. If you're interested in losing a bit of money, we could go.

A nightingale sang in Berkeley Square

A proper chat.

Aaaaah!

Aah!!

Aah...

About a million!

About you and your cock?

Absolutely, sweetheart.

Absolutely.

Actually, I've come to see Jeff.

Alan's gonna be so pleased with us

All done.

All right then. We've got our answer. Let's go!

All right, but a word out of place and you're getting the bat.

All right, I don't need stuff, either.

All right, Jez.

All right? Sorry I'm a bit late.

All right. If I tell you, you have to promise not to tell anyone. On your mum's life.

Already with the jokes. At least one of us is serious about giving us a fucking go!

Also, partially, for visa reasons.

Although, if it was a choice between that or a drive in a Ferrari Testarossa phew, too close to call.

An explanation. Finally.

And an iPod and... piercings and a... strap on?

And even if I have to die of anxiety making an off the cuff speech, we're gonna keep it special.

And give a nasty, unglamorous illness a kick in the pants at the same time.

And he got the wrong window... You know the rest.

And he's holding out on the four grand till we get it right.

And I don't want it using up all my yogurt and... bloody... shower gel?!

And I just had the most amazing wank.

And I really need to borrow quite a lot of money to go back into the studio and I was thinking...

And I say to Jeremy

And I think the rest of us can unite in saying, "Two fingers to the cynics"

And I was like, "You don't have to be enlightened to work here but it helps."

And I wouldn't change a day.

And I'll raise you...

And I'm so hot

And I'm so hot

And I'm so hot

And I'm so hot

And I'm sorry if you assume

And I'm sorry, but we did vote, so the stone circle it is.

And I've spent all of our advance on drugs and shoes...

And I've taken a coupla Es so I'm gonna start feeling pretty horny.

And if I meet somebody, and I probably will, we'll wanna come back and bone.

And isn't that the point?

And it must've got to her, cos...

And it seems he doesn't mind me being round here at all.

And it was mostly on racial classifications head measurements and so on.

And knob the corpse.

And make you... drive around in an old fashioned car?

And Nancy found out because I told her.

And never get the bottom line. OK. Still nothing interesting in the outbox.

And now sex is fine.

And now we're going to stay married

And obviously you don't think there's a... global ******* conspiracy

And promise to walk by her side for ever

And raising our glasses... to true love.

And so's anyone who likes him.

And some of it was just so not Rainbow Rhythms. Thanks.

And some of it was just so Rainbow Rhythms,

And then putting my hand down your trousers.

And they made it very clear that they didn't want to be with me.

And they're treating it as a racial incident? Next you won't be able to get a black coffee!

And this first number is for Jez and Nancy.

And wait for you to do the civilised thing and leave.

And we agreed no reggae music late at night, so...

And we'd be exploring the miracles of flight and human endeavour.

And we're open with other people.

And what are you gonna do about it exactly?

And when the going gets tough, you need to roll out the big potatoes.

And wiggle out your mouth like a little leather tongue.

And with that partner, let the music take you into your primal self.

And you've moved into the gay bit.

And, grrr, give her a good shake

And... my... yogurt? Jez, what's happened to my Muller?

Another beergee?

Anyway, I got thinking that those feelings about guilt around sex,

Anyway, let's get pissed. Bollocks to love!

Anyway, Mark saw the whole thing.

Anyway... on with the wedding.

Apparently he was a massive racist and not even his best friends knew.

Apparently there's an outtake where this extra gets piked and you can see all the...

Are you all right?

Are you trying to tell me you've gone gay?

As her best friend, her lover and her soul mate?

As it turns out... Daryl is a racist.

As we can...

Aye aye. A couple of high street honeys at three o'clock.

Because I didn't confront him, all right?

Because I'm not sure I'm into this.

Because I've got a cough.

Because of stupid honesty.

Bet we're having a much better time than Sophie is right now.

Bit late for you. What do you play? Seven card stud? Texas Holdem?

Blood is coming out of your arm. For fuck's sake, stop it!

Bloody shithead.

Bollocks to love!

Bollocks! You gave him a signal!

Bollocks. I'm a very generous guy

Boring? What, cos he doesn't go around with... a haircut

Brilliant, fantastic.

Brilliant, wasn't he? When are people finally gonna admit that you lot are better at sports?

Brilliant! Now, the favour...

Brilliant.

Brilliant. Get a cup, we'll catch the blood, and I'll write her a poem

Brilliant. My mate and your woman have just gone to fuck each other.

Brilliant. Yeah, you fucking... guys.

Business Look at you, with your wine and your jacket, just like a real person!

But apparently our relationship is nothing more than a husk.

But are you sure this isn't... racist?

But can't we take the best of that,

But I do like you! I think you're fucking great!

But I guess that's just the way...

But I say to those cynics,

But I thought you thought it was just a stupid piece of paper.

But I'm perfectly willing to swear

But if there isn't room here

But if you ever want to call me about anything, then I'm in the book,

But it's just so damn hard.

But John or Paul, who was the best?

But just ask him, all right, what happened in the pub by the fruit machine

But look at it another way we've all got our foibles

But maybe I should... confront him... again, more.

But me and Nancy, we're married and...

But new volumes keep being published.

But not have to face the... squalor?

But slavery? The Holocaust?

But the thing is, I've basically been very, very foolish,

But then perhaps that's appropriate, since this isn't a proper wedding...

But there would inevitably be complications.

But there's Jeff. I don't think we should see each other any more. Sorry, Mark

But we were "Who's this wedding for, us or the tourist board?"

But why don't you come too, Soph?

But why?

But, as your manager...

But, Gog, I'm music! I make music!

But, um... it kinda got me thinking.

But... why?

Can be an 'ell of a laugh, you know, just guys together.

Can he call you back?

Can we?

Can you please stop doing that?

Capital of Indonesia?

Car alarms, the cashpoints, the blacks, the ****s, the ****..

Carmen Electra's in there. I would seriously love to really, really bang her.

Cheers, mate.

Cheers, mate.

Clinical, more like. What's that?

Cocaine, Mark, cocaine.

Come here, you

Come on, folks, there are other people waiting to...

Come on, gorgeous. Let's get you to bed.

Come on, it's a stag night. You gotta slam on a stag night. Slam, slam!

Come on, Jez! You don't love her. You're just jealous cos her husband's back.

Come on, let's get you some crack!

Come on, Mark!

Come on, Mark.

Come on, you said it. She's Yoko, remember?

Come on! Welcome to the real world.

Come through with good old Mark.

Compromise, ****les? Jesus, Jez.

Controlling everything?

Cool.

Correct. She's got trouble written through her like a stick of Brighton rock.

Cos I'm in hell

Cos I'm in hell

Cos I'm in hell

Cos I'm in hell

Cosmic.

Could be kind of confusing, in a good way.

Cover. In case the cops turn up. Just a bunch of mates playing baseball.

Crack! Just gimme crack!

Crack? Crack, Super Hans?

Crack?! I've got company!

Crap sex, crap relationships.

Dancing? Yes, dancing, I love dancing.

Daryl thought I said "a stone," and the stone he picked was a brick

Daryl, what are you? No! Don't!

Daryl's getting the sack.

Democracy's all very well, but it's weak and it's decadent. You need a strong leader.

Did Jeff fart in a pint?

Do I dooby doo? I didn't think I did.

Do I have to spell it out?

Do I just undo it?

Do I know where Soph is?

Do I really have to do this?

Do I?!

Do we have to do this? We're not going to hurt him, are we?

Do you have a problem with that?

Do you take Nancy as your wife

Do you think maybe, if I plead and plead and plead,

Do you want me to have a chat to her

Does he come at you with a stick?

Does... Does he beat you, Soph?

Doesn't it prick your conscience?

Doing and saying whatever the hell they like?

Don't be a party pooper, get 'em off!

Don't fancy a Chinky. Have you got a pizza menu?

Don't mind me.

Don't say anything you'll regret. I'm with Jeff now.

Don't worry, I'm not going to embarrass you, all right? I'm going now. I just wanted to say...

Don't worry, Soph. I'm giving him the broom.

Don't worry, we're not trying to kill him, it's just... he's never... had sushi before,

Don't you think... Nancy, isn't she using you... a bit?

Don't... move a muscle.

Dooby dooby dooby dooby doo

Dooby dooby dooby dooby doo...

DOORBELL

Drugs are fine, Mark, everyone agrees now.

Drugs are what happen to people, and that's fine, so shut up.

En garde, monsieur

Er, and it just... brought up a lot of feelings.

Er, Daryl, listen, the truth is...

Er, heil.

Er, Jakarta.

Er, Mark? I've got a massive, massive favour to ask you.

Er, OK, later.

Er, you might want to give that

Er...

Er... hey,

Er... maybe.

Er... no. You see, the thing is, Gog...

Er... sure.

Everybody's coming to get me

Everything's turned from gold... into shit.

Exactly

Exactly my feeling. Exactly.

Exactly! And they'll have a bloody EU banana straightening machine

Exactly.

Exactly. Exactly my point.

Exactly. I think it's great

Exactly. We're open in our relationship.

Excellent.

Except, as it turns out, for the cor anglais.

Ey, check this out, right? Sexy girl walks past, it's like..

Ey! Course we are, mate, course we are!

Fancy a punt on the quizzie? Shit a bit of data out of that bunged up brainbox?

Feel a bit safer strapped together?

Fine, fine. The human being's basic needs are really very simple...

Fine. It's totally fine, mate. Honestly.

Food, liquid, entertainment and the regular release of fluids at regular intervals.

For people who stand against everything you believe in,

Forever.

Forget stuff. Let's have it.

Four naan, Jeremy? Four? That's insane.

From... Er... no, I'm all right, thanks.

Fuck off! Fuck off! Fuck off me!

Fuck off! Thought police!

Fuck, I can't believe she'd do something like that.

Fucking hell, that's a bit strong. Where might you find a dipthong?

Fun things, normal things. Archery, badger baiting. Whatever people do.

Gay or not, there's no threat from you, pal.

Gerbil the gerbil. MUSIC: Dancing In The Moonlight by Toploader

Get away from the door or I will give you the broom!

Get some Jim Carrey DVDs?

Get the pants off, dude, and come on in!

Go on, what is it? Let me see.

Go on. You can tell me.

God, do you know what? I think I love her.

God, no. He broke a plate once but...

God, you're so... I mean...

God, your head is it OK?

Gog!

Gog?

Gog. At school, you'd run up and sneeze in his face.

Good and proper.

Good, thanks.

Got a mission for you. Need a few rubber johnnies and I'm not dressed

Got off with this girl

Got over the twitch, by the way.

Great to hear from ya!

Great! So you won't mind if I take you out for an incredibly expensive meal to celebrate.

Guys, you're on.

Ha ha! You lose, Jeff! You losel

Hans, is it perhaps time we had a word with Jeremy?

Hans, you realise we've only got 39 minutes left.

Has Jeff said anything about...

Have an affair.

He does beat you mentally. And with his hands and fists.

He doesn't complain that the music's too loud in bars

He hey!

He thinks you and I should see less of each other. He's old fashioned.

He thinks you're French! I keep telling you, he's not French! Come on, let's get you a drink.

He thought we were trying to poison him.

He wants much, much more cor anglais.

He...

He'd already hung up.

He'd never believe it, whereas you...

He's at home in Lincoln getting his tummy rubbed by lovely Mummy.

He's going to move in with me for a couple of months, see if it helps.

He's honking on his crack pipe.

He's really not very keen at all on any of the track...

He's right here. It's switchboard. Urgent call for you.

Health club interview. It's a biggie.

Heil Hitler!

Hello, er, Dave, it's Mark here. I'm an old friend of Gog's.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello? I'm coming in now! This is me coming into my house!

Hello? Jeff?

Her... vibe. Oh, God, why does the world have to be so wrong?

Here be beauty, there be... pie charts. OK?

Here you go.

Here's a clue somebody dies.

Hey, guys? What about if we move this chair from here over to here?

Hey, I tell you what.

Hey, I'm home.

Hey, Jez. Hey, Nance.

Hey, Karen, good

Hey, look at that.

Hey, Mark, how's it going? >

Hey, Mark, my man!

Hey, Mark! How's it hanging?

Hey, Mark! So, you wanted to have a big chat and everything?

Hey, Mark. Karen.

Hey, Mark. Oh, there you go, hubby.

Hey, Mark. What's the big stink?

Hey, Nance. You've met Auntie Helen.

Hey, Soph!

Hey, Soph!

Hey, they do chicken wings! I love chicken wings.

Hey. What's with all the mags?

Hey. Why not?

Hi, guys! There's a changing room round there if you want to...

Hi, honey, I managed to make it!

Hi, Jeff

Hi, Soph. You dancing?

Hi, we're here to get married.

Hi. Jez, I've got great news.

Hi. Thought I'd pop over, since that's cool.

Hi...

Hitler promised not to invade Czechoslovakia. Welcome to the real world.

Hmm. OK.

Honda are very interested.

Honda!

Honestly, it's nothing.

Honestly?

Honey, you understand this would just be an administrative procedure, right?

Hope Jeff's neighbour got the cheque for the window

How about biscotti? Jeremy, would you like some biscotti?

How can you afford it all?

How coincidental, Jeremy! How very coincidental!

How could she do something like that to me? God...

How dangerous am I now, eh?!

How did Soph find out about that girl in the pub, Jez?

How is the Yank? She started spanking your plank again?

How'd it go tonight?

How's it going, Jeff?

Huh?

Huh? OK, bye.

Humpty, cling on to your girlfriend.

I appreciate what you're doing, but the Jeff project's been abandoned.

I break them.

I came with her.

I can't be associated with you any more, because... you're a racist.

I can't believe you wanted to meet for lunch! You really meant it about being friends.

I can't even make a fist!

I can't give

I can't give any more

I can't give any more...

I can't give..

I can't live

I can't live

I can't live

I can't live

I can't, really, it's not...

I considered doing that thing that that MP and Michael Hutchence did. You know...

I could do a sponsored run

I couldn't believe that I had this... instrument right there.

I did. Thierry Henry made Savage look like a right carthorse!

I didn't even know you played.

I didn't want to she's obviously into that sort of thing.

I do.

I don't care what happened, I still think you're a bloody good guy.

I don't care what happened, I still think you're a bloody good guy.

I don't know about you, but I'm so bored I could eat a fucking stapler!

I don't know, Mark. I'm having second thoughts. He seems really happy.

I don't know.

I don't know. Ask her. I'm not a prison warder.

I don't know. I don't wanna come out fighting with just my cock in my hand.

I don't think we should be doing this.

I don't think we should be doing this.

I don't wanna teach the world to sing, that would be horrible,

I don't want to go into that now.

I don't want to go. I need a sandwich

I don't want to know! OK? I don't want to hear about it!

I don't want to talk. I want to live. I want to do things.

I don't wish to converse with you.

I dunno, it just feels almost... wrong.

I er... I think, you know, it's time you left.

I feel better doing a tandem jump.

I feel like every day quite a big part of me dies...

I feel terrible. Do you think I should... confront him?

I felt a lot of stuff to do with rejection coming up for me tonight.

I fold.

I got a pair. The straps go all the way up, like a Roman sandal.

I guess I've just been very lucky.

I had an affair with Toni by mistake

I hate him, I hate him, I hate him!

I have?

I just meant... 'You're not gonna out hippy me, you fucking hippy.'

I just need to convince Sophie I'm desperate and I need some evidence.

I just play the cards as they're dealt, my friend.

I just think maybe we should stop seeing each other so much.

I just wanted to see if you wanted to hang out some time.

I just wasn't sure about... Mark...

I know a couple of gay guys who'd be up for it but...

I know some people go for that country church vibe,

I know you two aren't doing it,

I know. We know.

I love her.

I love this song! Why?

I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.

I may be right I may be wrong

I mean, although this obviously isn't a real marriage,

I mean, aren't we supposed to be living in a multicultural democracy?

I mean, I might try some of my moves.

I mean, I, for example, hate mozzarella.

I mean, if you've actually done... that,

I mean, legally, and therefore probably in the eyes of God.

I mean, obviously, a band isn't an army, but you need some organisation.

I mean, we have a great time together and obviously we both know it's an open relationship.

I mean, you and I have a bit of history.

I mean, you are the manager...

I mean, you can't love two people at once.

I mean, you'll never get it off entirely, but, you know

I might keep them on, actually.

I need to talk to you about something. About us.

I promise on my mum's life

I really love her.

I said I'd talk to you about a sponsored something.

I say to Nancy, "Good luck with the interview"

I shouldn't be here. I don't know what I'm doing.

I shouldn't have to be a machine in bed just because I meditate.

I suppose I was kind of surprised Jeff was cool about me coming over.

I tell you what we used to do down here when we were kids. Spin the bottle,

I think I'm actually very hungry. Let's not jump and just have lunch.

I think that's fantastic.

I told you you should've had a proper contract!

I want something that, when people hear it, they'll immediately go, "Yeah."

I was 14 years old and I came down here all alone,

I was gonna ask you to be best man but, actually, maybe I should ask Super Hans.

I was gonna twat this geezer and it turns out they're both Polish.

I was just telling Jeremy about the Brand New Heavies' new album.

I was really, really, really pleased with the track, once we got that weird hiss off.

I was talking to Alan about Rod from Shapiro Finance.

I... hate taboos.

I'd like a ginger nut, if there are any.

I'd like to see 'em run like that carrying real Sten guns.

I'd like to thank everyone for such a warm welcome...

I'll be as quick as I can

I'll do it. All right? I'll do it.

I'll do the buttons, you do the answers.

I'll get him a Scotch egg. That will usually take his mind off it.

I'll get them.

I'll have to have a think about you. I don't know if you can be trusted in a combat situation.

I'll stay, friend.

I'll suck for crack!

I'll tell you what. I'll tell you where we should go now.

I'm a bitch, I'm a lover...

I'm busy, you're busy...

I'm genuinely really, really hungry, too hungry to jump!

I'm gonna give you the broom, Jeff! I'm gonna broom you!

I'm hot...

I'm in character.

I'm not actually cutting myself. It's for evidence.

I'm not his girlfriend.

I'm not sick but I'm not well

I'm not sick but I'm not well

I'm not sick but I'm not well

I'm not sick but I'm not well

I'm not sure I want to swim, actually. I might just watch.

I'm not that hungry. Do you want anything?

I'm not... getting anything.

I'm off to five a side with Jeff. Can I take a couple of Garfields as shinpa... Jesus Christ!

I'm on my way to see Metallica at Wembley Arena

I'm out.

I'm pulling your pants down, Mark!

I'm really sorry, Mark.

I'm running underground with the moles digging holes

I'm running underground with the moles digging holes

I'm running underground with the moles, digging holes.

I'm so pleased. Dave, call the police! There's people here, they're trying to kill me,

I'm sorry, he's just excited. We're both so happy to be getting married.

I'm sorry, I'm really sorry. >

I'm sorry. I just can't.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

I'm starving! It's not fair

I'm talking to a number of people, Jez. What I want is something classic.

I'm underqualified but if I make it there by four they'll consider me.

I've been banging my head for 15 years against that beautiful light bulb

I've got a commission! It's big and it's fat and it's going right up your white bread arse!

I've got a plan. Trek the Andes. I've got a mate and he did it.

I've got Gladiator on DVD

I've got the massage oil!

I've hit the mother lode! I've been waiting for this! I can really fuck him with this!

I've just come to pick up some stuff.

I've shared enough rice with you, Mark. I'm in the big league now.

I've told you, it's out of my hands now. The Honda people are very hard to please.

Ian's a? A racial incident?

If I can call at a more convenient..

If I go for it, are you gonna back me up?

If living is without you

If living is without you

If living is without you

If we do something together, it would capture people's imagination

If you can't have sex with a monkey, make friends with the organ grinder.

If you do that thing, don't do it in here the hook's practically out of the door.

If you think I was, I'll stop.

If you're into that, you probably see the inevitable complications as part of the fun.

In a sense, that's the final taboo, isn't it?

In Ancient Rome, they had Cupid.

In modern days, it's the Home Office.

In my own time, I'll do it

In the Stone Age, you'd get up, kill an antelope...

In total... silence.

Is everything all right?

Is that what you want? Cos that's what's gonna happen.

Is there no stuff I can borrow? I really do feel much more comfortable with stuff.

Is this... real now?

Is your mobile broke? I've not been able to get you for days.

Isn't it amazing, that first big wank?

Isn't this beautiful?

Isn't what?

It bloody is! Gog!

It didn't relax him?

It feels dishonest.

It has to be treated as a racial incident.

It is for charity, but I could tell Alan you're not into it.

It is kind of the same

It is, but a potentially holy one.

It isn't bullshit! Let him in! >

It It was...

It really is.

It really just bust me open

It still is a marriage, obviously.

It was a long way down. Most people would be scared to even go up there.

It was a lovely service, wasn't it?

It was almost as if something was flowing out of me.

It was brilliant. And then... I can't really tell you.

It was good to see you in Gino's.

It was pretty disgusting.

It wasn't just racist..

It would be interesting to try something like that one day

It's a spiritual thing, really.

It's all about compromise.

It's all right, Gog, you're not meant to cook it, it's supposed to be raw!

It's all right, Jeremy, it's all right, I changed the order. There's always rice left.

It's all right, Mark.

It's an example.

It's beautiful, isn't it?

It's been pretty good. Good night.

It's Ernest and Julio. Fictional, obviously, but it gives a nice image.

It's fine by me.

It's fine.

It's Gog. I got the commission!

It's going a bit terribly. But it's important I make friends with him.

It's just... The thing is... Jeff's asked... said, actually...

It's my fault for always picking wankers!

It's nearly finished anyway, right?

It's not all right. Bring us three pilau rice and four peshwari naans, please.

It's not for me to tell tales on a mate

It's not that, it's just... Mum?

It's not the same.

It's OK. I'll make us a nice cup of tea.

It's OK. We know.

It's our duty to God, Shiva, NASDAQ, whatever you wanna call him.

It's practically a closed shop.

It's probably for the best.

It's quite full on. Mark, are you all right with that?

It's Toni. She's rummaging. I'm watching her rummage.

It's too late to back out. Stay calm.

It's true, it is kind of annoying.

It's... Really, I honestly didn't see anyone.

Jeff, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean...

Jeff, we're watching a film.

Jeff.

Jeremy, don't just go!

Jeremy, I come from America. I've seen the problems race brings up.

Jeremy, I'm totally and completely over Sophie.

Jeremy, what are you doing?

Jeremy, what are you... Really?

Jeremy, you can't just pop in cos you're bored. I'll be home in an hour.

Jeremy?

Jeremy. What are you doing here?

Jeremy...

Jesus, didn't realise I was with the fucking Nancy Appreciation Society.

Jesus!

Jesus! Can't I have a cough without being taken to Guantanamo Bay?

Jesus! Classic rubbernecker. Absolutely no interest in military history.

Jez, cheer up, you'll get over her.

Jez, don't do that. I won't be long. Then we can talk about... stuff.

Jez, don't worry. I'm not actually cutting myself.

Jez, for God's sake, I'm pleased for you!

Jez, I've seen Love Story. I know how it ends, yeah?

Jez, just relax. Isn't Ready, Steady, Cook on?

Jez, we've been lost for four hours now. Fuck it, I'm going to Tollesbury.

Jez, why's the chair? And...

Jez, you all right?

Jez, you're cleaning the bathroom.

Jez! Seriously, don't!

Jez! We're not gonna do anything. We're just going over.

Job interview, health club. It's a biggie.

Just as long as you know I'm not a Tantric superman.

Just because I... spy on you!

Just been looking for music for our soundtrack that doesn't suck arse.

Just finished. Green peppers won, as usual. It's Nuremberg all over again.

Just get back behind the glass. There is a very clear, if invisible, line,

Just let me in, mate. Please, Jez. I need to see Soph.

Just one thing before we start.

Just open the door. We need to talk

Just pop down the, er, Chinky

Just running the business hiring, firing and perspiring!

Just say you never met me

Just say you never met me

Just say you never met me

Just thought we should come here for a bit of a bonding sesh.

Just with a candle and an old, old copy of Henry Miller.

Last night we had to watch a whole load of Robin Williams' movies.

Later.

Let him in, Mark.

Let me finish the S.

Let me in, Jez, please!

Let your body dance you.

Let's all take a swim.

Let's brainstorm later. Sorry, Soph.

Let's eat.

Like a bloody horrible pancake.

Like I said, business. Going public in April.

Like Pol Pot.

Like... a movie. A movie on a wet Saturday.

Listen, I might pop...

Listen, I wanted to have a chat about Nancy.

Listen, it's your special day,

Listen, Jeff,

Listen, Jez, honey, I...

Listen, Jez, there's something I've been meaning to tell ya that I didn't wanna tell ya.

Listen, mate, while we've got a minute the thing is...

Listen. I know you're doing this to spend time with me and I appreciate it.

Loads of birds, foil bag, the whole caboodle.

Lock and load!

Look at you with your beautiful American wife and me with my lovely maybe girlfriend.

Look, can you please just get out of my way?

Look, I don't want to make a scene...

Look, I've been here since eight, I'm just going to grab a coffee.

Look, Jeremy, we can come back again, he's got the message. You're gonna pay, aren't you?

Look, Jez, can you please just keep it quiet?

Look, Jez, what I'm trying to say is,

Look, no, all right?

Look, Toni, this is...

Looks like it, yeah.

Looks like we got ourselves a Humpty.

Love is blind.

Mark Corrigan.

Mark, are you into this? Cos you don't look that into this.

Mark, how are you feeling?

Mark, I can't believe you'd actually...

Mark, I don't think...

Mark, I need to see Sophie. >

Mark, I'm bored, dangerously bored.

Mark, I'm just in a very erotic relationship right now. I mean,

Mark, like I said, sorry if I was a bit of a cock muncher down the studio.

Mark, we are not going to RAF Duxford.

Mark, what do you think? My wife was saying maybe move that to there.

Mark, what the hell are you talking about?

Mark, your job is going to the office. My job is having sex.

Mark?

Mark.

Mark.

Mark.

May I?

Maybe I should send her a bit of ear. Or a finger. Just to show I'm really serious.

Maybe I should send her a bit of ear. Or a finger. Just to show I'm really serious.

Maybe they won't be such a problem any more.

Maybe you were right, Mark.

Maybe. But I don't think it's a good idea for us to hang out together.

Maybe... 'Maximum physical contact. Potential horseplay.'

Me too, I... love breaking them.

Me, bringing home the bacon for my fiancee.

Me?

Might as well be checking out fucking seed drills in a farm museum.

Might move that to there.

Mike's arse. Quite a nice arse he's got on him, wouldn't you say?

Mm hm. Or I was sort of hoping you'd say you want to be the manager.

Mm. What about me, Jeremy? What about Toni?

Mmm, that literally happened to me the first time I went.

Mmm.

Mmm. As an actual precursor to us getting married. On Friday.

Mmm... everything.

Mom called. She's so pissed we got married I thought she was gonna shit.

Money or Tony Blair are a bad thing,

Money's an energy and lots of it has always flowed towards me,

Most people wouldn't volunteer for a charity bungee jump.

Moving in won't help. Give him space. That might help.

Mummy, Daddy, me, you... John Major.

Mummy? I... I'm sorry, Nancy, I can't do it.

MUSIC: "Bitch" by Meredith Brook

MUSIC: Flagpole Sitta by Harvey Danger

MUSIC: Flagpole Sitta by Harvey Danger

MUSIC: Flagpole Sitta by Harvey Danger

Nancy is in the States and Super Hans is on the rig. I need a friend

Nancy, it's lovely, your dooby dooing, but could you wait till this ends?

Nearly, really nearly, finally got it together with Soph.

Next time I have acupuncture I'll get someone else to do it for me.

Nice bluffing, lad!

Nice idea but no... stuff. So we'd better be off.

Nice packet of Crunchy Nut you've got here. Pretty expensive, as I recall.

Nice to see you, mate. Fantastic trainers

Nice. And how's your love life?

****les? That doesn't sound good.

Night to remember or what?

No

No danger, my friend, no danger! Just a load of old mates in the boozer loving it!

No problem, mate.

No worries

No, because I was in the tent with him for ages and we talked for a long time,

No, brilliant. I mean, that's brilliant, honey. You're such a bloody trooper.

No, but "Do I?" as in "Do I?!"

No, but...

No, except now I bang a load of Valium up me arsehole for the comedown.

No, he asked if I fancied going kickboxing and I thought, why not?

No, I can't. I really can't.

No, I don't think so.

No, it's not like that. If I don't make friends with Jeff,

No, Jeremy. You know what Daryl's like.

No, Jez.

No, Jez. Look, we've discussed this. Early in morning counts as late at night

No, much better than that. But I can't tell you.

No, never. It's nothing like that.

No, no, it's brilliant.

No, no, this is... great. I'm, I'm into this.

No, no! No! I'm hungry!

No, not because of feelings. Just simplicity.

No, not really.

No, obviously, yeah, you must go.

No, seriously, I would never make that joke.

No, sure, obviously you can, but you don't.

No, sure. Yeah. Absolutely. Of course.

No, you do not just undo that!

No, you haven't.

No! I hate political correctness gone mad more than anyone!

No! I'm shitting you, Jez!

No! Why, were you going to go and get me one?

No? Oh, right.

No.

No. I only told you for a laugh. It's all a great big laugh. You promised not to tell.

No. I'm going to the pub with Jeff.

No. Oh, no, salsa's on Tuesdays. This is Rainbow Rhythms.

No. Sure, we could do a sponsored something.

No. Too rich for my blood.

No. What sort of things are ****ling?

Not bad.

Not bad. You?

Not brutally honestly.

Not my words, yours! We can't throw that all away

Not so rich and successful now with a piece of wood in your face, mmm?

Nothing... except stand here like a civilised man

Now fuck me and pretend I'm your mom!

Now we hold... this moment... for as long...

Now, as we flow into yellow,

Now, as we move into red, let it all go, my super luminaries.

Obviously it wouldn't be a real wedding.

Obviously there are sometimes... ****les.

Of course I meant it, Mark. How've you been?

Of course we should meet up and have a chat. Look, here's Super Hans.

Of course you can.

Of course you do. You're a moth, sucked in by the light.

Of course. Horrible.

Of course. Soph, are you OK?

Off! Off! Off!

Off! Off! Off!

Oh, affairs are great. They're simple and no one gets hurt.

Oh, and I took the rap for the sausage, so you're in the clear there.

Oh, brilliant, what?

Oh, by the way, we need milk. Later, Mark.

Oh, come on, lads, let's lose the cone. I'm a somebody now. There's no need for a cone.

Oh, come on, Mark. Germans?

Oh, crumbs

Oh, er, yeah, yeah. I mean, that's what we all want, a racially pure nation.

Oh, for God's sake, Jeremy. I can't talk to you with... that.

Oh, for God's sake, Mark, we've both got one, haven't we?

Oh, fuck!

Oh, fuck. I can't do it, Jeff. I can't do it

Oh, God, Soph, really?

Oh, God!

Oh, good. Pretty good.

Oh, hell, I probably shouldn't have done that, should I? My prints'll be all over it now.

Oh, hi, Daryl.

Oh, hi, Jeff. You remember Jeremy.

Oh, hi, Jeff. You're downstairs?

Oh, Honda, Honda, Honda. Fuck Honda.

Oh, I can handle it.

Oh, I love this!

Oh, it's just... Weren't we meeting outside?

Oh, Jeremy and I were having a bet.

Oh, Jesus, thank you for this experience!

Oh, Jesus!

Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus!

Oh, Jez, could you sleep on the couch tonight?

Oh, look. Gwyn's feeling me up.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my Lord! Oh, my fucking life. It isn't?

Oh, Nancy, don't marry those gays. Marry me.

Oh, no, now I've said too much. Damn. Damn these lips of mine

Oh, no, you haven't, have you? You haven't been sexing it up in here with my yogurt?

Oh, OK, great. Well, thanks for your show of support, mate

Oh, OK... You're not going?

Oh, piss.

Oh, really?

Oh, really? Oh, that's great news.

Oh, relax! "Oh, I'm Mark, I'm in the '80s, I'm dying of heroin in a puddle in the corner in an advert!"

Oh, right, great.

Oh, right.

Oh, right. Political correctness gone mad.

Oh, right. Yeah.

Oh, Robin Williams? That sap?

Oh, shut up. You just need to find someone you like.

Oh, so now we're working it's not OK for me to smoke my crack?

Oh, Soph, I'm sorry, that's terrible.

Oh, stupid stuff like what you do with your free time. Your life!

Oh, sure. And I suppose that's the reason why you wrote her name

Oh, this is amazing! I love this!

Oh, this will be fun.

Oh, what about her? I know her, she's a friend of Nancy's.

Oh, yeah? Well, I'll stay too... friend.

Oh, yeah. And you did, obviously.

Oh, yeah. I play, all right. Misspent youth. You know the score.

Oh, yeah. Jez, listen... Oi, oi, tequila slammers!

Oh, yes, it's nice to get away from it all, the work, the smog, the graffiti.

Oh, yes! Now it's coming together, my friend.

Oh, yes. Right. You play that, do you? Of course.

Oh, you betcha!

Oh! Er, yes, yes, right. Yes. The Fatherland needs the Fuhrer.

Oh! Jeremy. Right, so, what, you've had more thoughts about the track?

Oh! Right!

Oh! You are gonna pay for that!

Oh?

Oh.

Oh. Brilliant.

Oh. OK.

Oh. OK.

Oh. So, did you want to dance?

Oh. Yeah.

Oi, Jez!

OK, bye.

OK, great.

OK, I'll go and talk to her for you.

OK, now... stop.

OK, so now...

OK, so, Jez, you're on. And it's...

OK, so, Nancy's on.

OK, so, what happens? Spin again?

OK, so, whoever's on kisses whoever the bottle stops at. Cool?

OK, thanks.

OK, why the hell not?

OK. Basically, Jeff... he... not really, but a bit...

OK. I would like to bang her.

OK... How much?

Old fashioned? What's next? Put you in a chastity belt

On a day like this, what stuff do you need? "Sorry, I can't possibly enjoy

On every single egg under the Word Bird

Only wine gums, but it makes the evenings go a bit quicker.

Ooh, pretty darn well!

Ooh, yeah. Spicy!

Ooh!

Open the box.

Or joke, but... just wrong.

Or just head back to ours or Sophie's?

Or so the cynics may say.

Or stay here and play something else.

Or when it's his round and you ask him for an extra bag of nuts. He's a real man.

Or, listen, if we take a right up ahead,

Or... or we could make a special delivery for Jeff Heaney.

Ouch. I'm thinking maybe Buddha wasn't too pleased.

Paranoia, paranoia

Paranoia, paranoia Everybody's comin' to get me

Paranoia, paranoia Everybody's comin' to get me

Pardon?

Particularly after my parents died.

Paul, obviously, but for the sake of argument.

People like fast cars, females with big boobies and they don't want the euro.

Please don't. Jeff's my mate. We've got a bond.

Plus I thought it would be good to hang out a bit.

Psst! Mark!

Putin promised not to invade Ukraine... Welcome to the real world.

Quite honestly,

Re enactments?

Really hope she gets it.

Really nice.

Really?

Really?

Really?

Red sky at night, shepherd's delight.

Relax, it's not Blue Peter. Just a nice relaxing smoke of crack.

Relax, Mark, it's all right. We were just feeling very... horny.

Relax. I'll be with you all the way

Remember the theme tune from Jaws?

Remember when we made you wank off Perchy's dog for a fiver?

Remember, stop thinking.

Right

Right, Gwyn. Brilliant.

Right, yeah. I mean,

Right!

Right.

Right.

Right.

Right.

Right. And love? Romance? I mean, is there any romance in any of this at all?

Right. Because of... feelings.

Right. It's just, you said..

Right. Mine's the blonde.

Right. OK.

Right. Sorry. 'I think I've got a pretty good hand.

Right. Well, maybe we should meet up, have a chat.

Right. Well, you should come in.

Right. You didn't try to have sex with a monkey?

Right...

Rights for whites. That's not too much to ask, is it?

Sam, mate of Darren's.

Sausages?

Say "I do."

Say, isn't it funny, all the... coffee?

See you later, guys. Soph, see you at my place. 33 Ringfield Road

See you later, Jeff.

See you later, Jez.

See you later, Mrs Osborne.

See you later.

See you later.

See you.

See, if it's all right with you, which I'm sure it will be, Nancy's moving in.

See, it's just my visa's run out and the Home Office called.

See, the longer the note, the more dread.

See, we want our money, and we're feeling a little bit clumsy...

See! Told you.

Self harm might be appealing. She'll want to take care of me.

Sexuality is a broad spectrum and...

She definitely was.

She didn't suck his widdle. It was a put on.

She is?

She just... isn't..

She likes him? That is so sappy.

She sucked me off...

She'll forget all about it and things will go back to like before?

She's the beautiful poison, my friend.

Shit.

Shit. We've gone into the crease. I can't make out anything in the crease.

Should we go for a drink?

Shove it up your arsel Shove it up your arsel

Slam, slam, slam, slam, slam!

So are we off for a pint, or what?

So basically, man is programmed to do two things kill and knob.

So how do you feel it's going, Jez? What do you make of media sales?

So I say to Jeremy and... Where's Nancy?

So I thought we could split them up. Maybe you could tell him you got off with her.

So I thought you're more of a fun guy than me.

So I'll need the bed.

So I'm the fluffer?

So let's just forget anything ever happened, OK?

So let's just leave it at that.

So long, Toni.

So sorry if I was acting a bit weird.

So sorry. We were passing and I said, "Let's see if they're in, throw some stones at the window."

So we're all gonna be great mates. We could pile back to yours and Sophie's?

So what do you think to Karen?

So you agree it's a terrible...

So, about the soundtrack. Can I do it?

So, Alan, why have you got us all down here?

So, er... how's the marriage?

So, er... old question,

So, er... old question,

So, for better, for worse, the '60s happened,

So, have you heard? Brand New Heavies are releasing a new album.

So, how did we all experience the class?

So, rest of the money should be rolling in soon, which is just as well!

So, stop all the clocks, Toni and Tony are getting remarried!

So, Super Hans, what've you been up to?

So, well, I'll see you around, mate.

So, what am I going to pay you to do in my band?

So, what now? A round of sambucas and hit a club,

So, you two are getting on well.

So... Colin from Human Resources would you... would you suck him off?

So... FHM have only gone and done a bloody sex issue. Did you see that?

So... ladies and gentlemen,

Solid as a rock

Some of us have jobs to go to.

Someone reported him.

Something that Jeff's done that I'm not sure if I should tell you.

Soph, I was talking to Jeff the other day

Soph, just heard. The Shapiro Finance presentation's been cancelled.

Soph, let's cook for these guys while they're in the pub. I've got wine.

Soph, listen. I've been turning this over and over in my head

Sophie, but... Please! Don't!

Sophie, I was wondering... I was hoping that we could have a chat.

Sophie, no! No, Sophie, no, don't!

Sophie, you don't need to do this. There are places you can go. Women's refuges.

Sophie, your hand...

Sorry about that, mate. Bye

Sorry I'm late, everyone. >

Sorry, excuse me, I ordered three pilau rice and three peshwari naans.

Sorry, Mark, did we wake you?

Sounds like you're in a hellhole.

Sounds like your relationship was a prison

South Africa, Benetton... It's...

Squeeze me.

Still, it's nice to get out of the city, isn't it?

Stop being weird and tell me what Jeff's done.

Stop calling me Humpty!

Strap on?

Stupid stuff. What DVDs we watch.

Stupid video or comfy warm bed?

Super Hans has taken four grams of coke to relax him for his speech.

Super Hans is thinking about going back on the crack.

Sure you are So pleased that I've gone straight to the finish line on my enormous bike

Sure you don't need a loan? Maybe for some therapy to help you shpeak pwoperly.

Sure, Nance, sure, yeah. Freedom, loyalty, commitment, monogamy.

Sure, we made mistakes first time, but now we've got the chance

Sure, whatever.

Sure, yeah.

Sure! As simple as me closing the door.

Sure. If you can't handle it, spin again.

Sure. No problem.

Sure. Or what about a dance class? If you think you can face it you can come to my dance class!

Sure. We could, but...

Swimming?

Take a partner.

Take that Sophie, going over to Jeff's like that right in your face.

Tell Daryl we're very grateful.

Tell me, what was the name of your first childhood pet?

Tell you what, I'm off to the bog. For a wee!

Tell you what, that crack is really moreish!

Thank you

Thank you, Nancy.

Thank you.

Thanks

Thanks for keeping her warm for us, mate.

Thanks for the call. This beats being home in the same old trousers.

Thanks for the explanation.

Thanks so much for sorting me out with this, Toni.

Thanks so much. It all makes a difference

Thanks.

That I eat red meat and don't necessarily think

That is the behaviour of a world class bitch.

That must be horrible.

That old thing!

That sounds nice.

That was a bit of a... Not mistake,

That when you turned and smiled at me

That would be nice, wouldn't it?

That's all there is to it.

That's all. Thanks.

That's funny, you weren't worried about monogamy the other day when you told me you loved me.

That's great, Jeff. Thanks a lot.

That's Jeff.

That's Jeff's.

That's just not on!

That's mine, pal.

That's not a joke about David Blunkett.

That's not funny, Daryl. Repeat, not funny!

That's not terribly important really, Toni.

That's not the favour?!

That's right, my friend.

That's right. I have gone somewhat, in fact almost entirely, gay.

That's the thing

That's very kind, Jez, but you don't want to overstretch yourself.

That's what mates do, right?

That's what this...

That's what we're all about, right, Jez? Freedom.

That's when I decided to live in the open 24/7. No more crap...

That's why you're cutting yourself?

That's... not shit, but just... no.

The "**** shop"?

The colour of primal urges.

The guy is a stupid little... gherkin

The happiest administrative procedure of our lives.

The health club called the receptionist job?

The nice music, the colours, the "I have a dream", etc,

The other day,

The thing is, Gog, he's got some reservations about the track

The whole point of contract law, the whole point of a contract is to make sure this never happens!

Then what sort of a hippy free for all is this?

Then... yeah, absolutely.

There must be a better way to get to Sophie

There, there, Soph. It's fine. It's OK. Come through.

There's a chance I'll never speak to Sophie properly ever again.

There's a difference. Daryl, you can't hate people because of their ethnic background!

There's already a banana straightening machine. It's called woman

There's no need to go sarcastic.

There's no need to spread it around. But yes, those are the facts.

There's only so much happiness in the world and they're hoarding it all.

There's some chocolate in the fridge under the egg tray. See you tonight.

There's something I need to tell you, something I think I should tell you.

These are my guys. They had to pull a latey, so I invited them round. I've got a fridge full of beers.

They're comin' after you ou...

They're gonna get you, baby They're coming after you

They're simple?

They're trying to kill me!

This could be a coincidence. Easily

This department needs a kick up the arse so hard my foot'll go up your digestive tract

This is a special mission.

This is fun

This is great. So great to see you guys down here.

This is the best thing for you, mate. Take your mind off it.

This place has great energy.

This place is amazing, Gwyn.

This place is just fantastic, Gwyn. Isn't it fantastic?

This way I get to keep an eye on, which is cool!

This wedding's all wrong. It's against God and man and the rule of law and nature.

Three more beers for the Three Musketeers, eh? Ooh!

Three, two, one, lift off!

To be different, when I'm meant to say "I do," I want to say "Do I."

To make them all over again!

To straighten all the bananas!

Tollesbury?

Toni, I love you. I can't hold it in, I absolutely fucking love you

Tony and I talked it all through, the whole horrible situation.

Tony, if you'd like to bang her, why don't you just say it?

Tony's never coming back.

Too good for the cone, are we? We're having a laugh, Jeremy, a bloody good laugh!

Too right. Ask Clarkson. Clarkson knows.

Totally... This looks...

True love.

Two weeks in Peru and we can stick it to arthritis.

Uh huh.

Uh huh.

Uh huh...

Uh... No. No, mate. No idea

Um, I thought these would be... This is salsa, isn't it?

Um, I was dancing with someone

Um, Nance, I'm really sorry but I've got to go.

Um, no, I didn't actually...

Unlike that Turkish shepherd who chewed off his own knackers. Did you see that?

Urban myth.

User names. And overseeing the edit on my first short...

Very confusing

Very cool. So, about the track...

Wa hey, guys! Sam's gonna be out in an hour or two so...

Wake up. You think no one mimed at Live Aid? The ends always justify the means.

Want to see if Marketing have left any biscuits in Meeting Room B?

Watch out, they're gonna get you

Watch your back, they're gonna get you

We can do the music, can't we, Super Hans?

We could make it to this really wicked looking public weighbridge!

We hate you! You're a cocksucker! Jez told me about your fling

We have something special!

We move into... red,

We should check the doorbell's working nice and loud, yeah?

We should do something for him.

We should get a couple of tandems and go to the Pyrenees and pick g****s or some crazy thing.

We were both coming so hard we didn't notice the volume.

We... are?

We're breaking a taboo, of course it feels wrong. We've got boundaries to smash, Jeremy.

We're on the same wavelength. Everyone thinks it, the difference is, we're not afraid to say it.

We're supposed to be flatmates

We're systematically breaking down all of society's taboos.

We've all got 'em off, get 'em off! We're having fun!

We've got to hurt him on principle. Hit him with the fucking bat, Jez.

Well done.

Well, actually, I'm trying to have a conversation.

Well, congratulations...

Well, I don't want that, obviously, I want something completely different.

Well, I loved it. If you want to print one of those out, or whatever.

Well, I noticed a bit of static back in the office.

Well, in that case...

Well, it was a passionate relationship.

Well, it'll be good to go to a field and... look at some stones.

Well, it's the 21st century, no one actually likes each other any more,

Well, let's be honest. I suppose the best man won.

Well, listen. I'm sorry if I didn't do it right

Well, me too.

Well, no.

Well, um, I mean, it depends what type of love you're talking about.

Well, um...

Well, we did once talk about me doing

Well, yes, all right, I am.

Well... yeah

Were you playing the Lock, Stock And Two Smoking Barrels video game?

What about from... the..

What about it? What are you gonna do, kill her?

What about your mum's life?

What am I gonna do?

What am I gonna do?

What are we gonna do? Go make a tent in the living room and eat Dairylea?

What are you afraid of, Jeremy?

What are you doing, really?

What are you going to do?

What are you talking about?

What did you think, Hans?

What do you think, Soph? Can you love more than one person at a time?

What do you want me to do with all your toilet books?

What I said, it's not all right, is it?

What is this modern obsession with... that?

What sort of things?

What we need to do is create a powerful sense of dread.

What, really?

What, really? What about Nancy? Or Sophie?

What, so next you're gonna boot me out for not wearing a jacket and tie?

What, so you're actually successful?

What, stop being mates?

What, you mean, am I a racist?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What? But she said... She said you'd said...

What? Why?

What? Yeah, but I thought we were on the same wavelength!

What?!

What... Why did you cough?

What's all this strawberry?

What's Hans doing?

What's his name again?

What's this?

What's with all the coffee? Listen, I'm just gonna go over to my stupid friend

When are you gonna say something, Super Hans?

Where you stand on... taboos.

Where's my lollipop?

Where's my piece of pie? The farmer wants a wife, Jeremy.

Whereas, I Have A Dream...

Which, by the way, I can see no point whatsoever in myself...

While I was having a widdle.

While you're still jogging along for miles in the rat race with all the other rats.

Who needs romance when you're doing it up the bum?

Who needs to go off to Amsterdam paintballing in a go kart?

Who's that?

Whoops

Why be so serious and uptight all the time? We should relax, do matey things, yeah?

Why did you have to bring Daryl? He's a bit... boring, isn't he?

Why do I have to? Why don't you do it? Punch him with the glove.

Why don't we just fucking go for it?

Why don't you just say who you're talking about? You're talking about me, aren't you?

Why don't you kill some time at Caesar's World?

Why not? Who loses?

Why should I have to go without a husband?

Why the sudden urge to join the pool league?

Why would I have a problem? I'm just a mate round seeing a couple of mates.

Why?

Why?

With a woman... and the lips. I can't say anything else. I won't.

With Jeff?

With one innocent prisoner, you, and one guard, Jeff.

Won't Tony be back soon?

Would it be all right if I came over to see Sophie now and again?

Wouldn't you like to know, you big prick! So what are you doing?

Wow, Mark!

Wow, Nance, this is amazing.

Wow.

Wrong.

Yeah

Yeah

Yeah, and good riddance, you... you fucking Nazi!

Yeah, but I was in charge of the buttons, Mark. I drew a line. You crossed that line.

Yeah, fine..

Yeah, for diabetes. Give something back to a top JLB client

Yeah, great one, Nance, brilliant.

Yeah, I don't normally go there. They've always got that wog box on.

Yeah, I have. I'm phlegmy.

Yeah, I know exactly what you mean.

Yeah, I suppose she is a bit of a... bitch.

Yeah, I think there are some.

Yeah, I'm fine. Just been breaking up with Jeff.

Yeah, OK. Right, ready? One, two, three, let's go!

Yeah, right

Yeah, terrible. On the bright side, free hour.

Yeah, the traffic, the noise, the hassle.

Yeah, there was a lot of new energy in the room tonight

Yeah, we could do, but then,

Yeah, we have, actually.

Yeah, we just arranged to go out.

Yeah, we... we were joking.

Yeah, well, I'll just be getting some CDs out the bedroom.

Yeah, well, I'll take all the phone monkeys I can wrangle.

Yeah, well, I'm sorry, but... I don't have time. OK? There's no time.

Yeah, well, if you're leaving now, don't even fucking dream of coming back!

Yeah, well, it wasn't really me as such,

Yeah, well, it's embarrassing. And since lan Krauss is of German extraction,

Yeah, well, now I've gone gay,

Yeah, well, sure, if that's the way you feel, maybe you should.

Yeah, what would you know about love or happiness?

Yeah, you know, you say potato, I say tomato let's call the whole thing off.

Yeah, you're right, much more believable. Jamie Lee Curtis, born a hermaphrodite true or false?

Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah! Come on!

Yeah? That's what I do now. That's what I am. I'm a sexer. OK?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. 'Hey, I'm really good at this without realising how. This is ideal.'

Yeah. He is a bit like a gherkin.

Yeah. I remember when I first spent time down here.

Yeah. I thought it would be simpler for us to keep a distance.

Yeah. If you think that and say those things, you're a racist, aren't you?

Yeah. It's all actually finally over.

Yeah. It's great though my own phone, my own space,

Yeah. Jeff's a really good guy.

Yeah. Mark?

Yeah. Not just as, obviously, but, er, right after.

Yeah. OK, no. Fair enough. You've talked me round.

Yeah. So...

Yeah. Sorry about the big panic.

Yeah. That's not on, is it?

Yeah. That's something to look forward to, isn't it?

Yeah. We can surprise Gwyn from dance class. He's got a boathouse there.

Yeah. We stagged ya,

Yeah. We thought we might smash your brains in with a baseball bat.

Yeah. Well, history's history.

Yeah. Well, that might sound funny to you, but it was actually quite a painful time.

Yeah. Yeah, it is.

Yeah... brilliant.

Yeah... Thanks, Jesus.

Yep. I wouldn't've believed it, but I saw the whole darn shooting match.

Yes you do. Go and tell her you like her hair.

Yes, exactly. Exactly.

Yes, you can.

Yes!

Yes!

Yes! Mark the shark is in business!

Yes. Yes, I know.

You bring the vino

You can... let yourself out, yeah?

You can't broom him. He's my mate. He's a solid gold mate.

You can't imagine your mom having sex with a black man? That's pretty racist, Jeremy.

You could do a sponsored history... thing. Or dig. Or just reading

You could have your cock in her and still not have the balls to fuck.

You could order me around, which you'd enjoy, but I'd be your boss.

You definitely do. You were dooby doing all over the place

You did, didn't you?

You do realise it's me you're talking to, not an Italian builder?

You don't have to ask that, Mark. That's obvious.

You don't sound 110% there

You don't think? Isn't it normal for there to be little differences?

You got me all right.

You got over whatever brain attack you had in Frankie and Benny's then?

You know what I fancy? A kebab. Will you go down and get me a kebab?

You know what you should do?

You know you're not supposed to do that!

You know, that is such bullshit.

You know, the **** and the Muslims and the racists all living happily together, side by side,

You know, the sausage, the euro, Clarkson.

You looked like you really got in touch with something in there.

You love her? What do you love about her?

You mean we might start to...

You mean Yoko? Yeah, hello marriage, goodbye major recording contract.

You mean you didn't confront him?

You mean... Germany for the Germans?

You mean... This is... Are we?

You ought to be careful wearing tops like that. I am a man, after all

You see, we're very much in love.

You should've spoken to someone about this before.

You sure this is OK?

You think people don't have affairs? Everyone does.

You two have loads in common. Sam's a single Buddhist.

You want me to... No, I don't think so, Jeff.

You want your money back, don't you? He's refusing to pay up or like the track.

You were moaning about getting left on your own again.

You work out who you like best and then pretend not to like anyone else.

You would not believe how hard it is to get into trainers and architecting.

You.

You'll forgive me, I haven't prepared a proper speech,

You'll have forgotten her in a week. You know what you're like, you big idiot.

You're a bloke, I'm a bloke. We're both bloody good blokes,

You're a promise breaker and a tom tailed tit.

You're going out with him for fun?

You're just jealous because you want to get married to Sophie.

You're not supposed to do that, Daryl!

You're not wanted here, Jeff! Get away from here.

You're not?

You're stripes, Mark

You're sure he's a proper...

You've been so sweet putting up with me and my dumb sappy movies.

You've given up trying to hump Soph?

You've got to say, fair enough

You've kicked the crack?

Your friendship's bullshit and you're a fuckhead!

6.30, like normal. You said it was urgent, Jeremy.

30.

"You lot"? He means guys like you who are French.

Amazing. Brilliant.

Anyone see the game last night? Er, no.

Are you pretending to write? No..

Don't answer it. But it's Nancy.

Don't answer it. What if it's Honda?

Everything's fucked. Calm down, it's gonna be OK.

Follow me. 'He hates is. He bloody hates it.'

Go on. I can't!

God, what a weird one. I know.

Ha ha! I see you! I'm Barnes Wallis, you're the Ruhr!

Hello. When are you getting back from work?

Henmania! Hey, Mark, what are you celebrating?

Hey, Jez. Is Mark around? No, he's gone out, to get a Thai curry.

Hey, Marky Mark. Hey, Jez.

Hey, Soph. Oh, hey, Mark.

Hey, Soph. You OK? Yeah, just getting my head together.

Hi there. Hi, hi.

Hi, Karen! Sophie, be quiet!

Hi, Mark. All right, Jez. Is Nancy around?

Hi, there, Soph. Hey, Mark.

How are you feeling, Super Hans? Totally fine.

How did you? Mark, is that my e mail? No, it's not! It's just, er...

How long is Das Boot, exactly? Four and half solid entertainment hours.

I don't believe you. Seriously. I wouldn't lie about a thing like this.

I just don't know what to do. What about?

I opened up so much I puked. Blimey.

I said, you've given up trying to... Yes, I heard what you said

I wasn't! Well, I want one now

I'm not that hungry. Bollocks. We're going.

I'm sorry? You know, "Do I?" as in "Do I ever?!"

I'm too bloody hungry to jump! But we're here now

In a word. Good boy. Why don't you do it?

It's an element of speech. Where might you find one?

It's not going to be Honda. Could be Honda

It's really hot! Fancy ducking out for a while? We're right in the middle.

Jeff's? He's in the bog.

Jeremy! Go... away!

Jez, is there anything I can? It's under control. Please go behind the glass.

Jez? Yeah?

Just gone. I'm seeing her down the Rhythms. Right, OK.

Just imagine it's lan's cock. Ha ha ha!

Long weekend looking into the mirror. Oh, bit of soul searching, was it?

Mate, aren't you gonna slam? I don't drink, it's a Buddhist thing.

No! I can't believe you were going to get me one!

Oh, are they in a submarine? Yes, they're in a submarine.

Oh, God. You all right, Mark?

Oh, right. Great. So...

Oh, she's nice. Great.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Piss off, he's a little rat. He was a mongoose.

Rat! Mongoose!

Rod's hypoglycaemic again. Oh, dear. Poor Rod.

See you later, gays! What?!

She looks lovely, doesn't she? Yeah.

Shouldn't we just? Him and Sophie... I need to see Soph!

Sophie! Hi, Mark. Can I come in?

Sophie! Sorry I'm late.

Tell him I'm not here! Why?

That's not how happiness works. 'It completely is.'

This is for the jackpot. Of course I'll back you up.

This is Sam. Hi.

Uh huh? Yeah. It's, um...

Want another beer? Sure.

What are we gonna do? Fuck him up!

What kind of animal was Rikki Tikki Tavi? A mongoose.

What situation? You being in love with me!

What? Tony ran for the hills.

What's going on? Tony... Jeremy loves me.

Why? Well, because we love each other.

With the both of you? No, no, obviously, come along with... Sam!

Would you consider marrying me? Yes!

Yeah? Jez, I've got a biggie to ask you.

Yeah? Yeah, it's about Nancy.

Yeah? Do you know about? Just re enactments. It's cool, we do WW2 stuff.

Yeah. Still, welcome to the real world. Yeah. You keep saying that.

Yeah. We should think about heading off. Nonsense. You're here, enjoy.

Yes. No, I don't know. What's the matter?

You do. Really?

You like her. I don't necessarily like her.

You moved on pretty fucking quick. Now's not the time to talk about it.

You want me to... I want a kebab

You what? I certainly wouldn't mind... giving him one.

You'd love to try it. I honestly would not!

You're getting married?! That's right.

... and don't try to save me

... and don't try to save me

' Yes, civilisation is definitely doomed.'

'A ha! Jeff. Just arrived. What's your game?

'Actually, that'd be perfect

'Ah, cock knobs! All right, what's her favourite TV show?

'Ali kazoo, ali kazam, let's find out just how fucked I am.

'All I need is some beef jerky and somewhere to spit.

'All my normal sensible cowardice has been overridden by stupid love! '

'All the reds. That looks amazing.'

'Also, I'd never be able to carry it off

'Although personally I wouldn't've picked that dress to cry on.'

'Although, Sophie's hand on my thigh,

'and I'm just an old stick in the mud, as usual

'And I'm not thinking about Sophie! '

'And I'm pretty sure Nick didn't really like me.'

'And it's worked.

'and never the twain shall meet.

'and this morning... '

'and your talking and your drugs,

'Be too much to think about anyway,

'because everything is simple in Tetris world

'Because it makes me look like a coma victim being stood up and zapped with a cattle prod.'

'Because that's what we eat nowadays while you're chomping on your racist carrots.'

'Because that's what we eat nowadays while you're chomping on your racist carrots.'

'Better not disturb him, he might attack me and be sick

'Blah, blah, "Jeff's a laugh, but he can be an arsehole, but I do fancy him.

'Blood boiling, anger rising up, ready to explode...

'Bollocks, why do we come somewhere with no boundaries?

'Bollocks. Maybe she thinks it's Sex In The City.

'Bonding with Jeff. I'm almost there, Soph. Clear the runway. I'm coming in to land.'

'Break with the newbie will be a pain fest, trying to chat

'Brilliant, the twitching freak. Works every time.'

'Brilliant. Probably looks like I was ready to punch him

'Brilliant. This is brilliant. Oh, life is sweet! '

'But there's always a chance someone else might have a better one.

'But what if I came off worse, lost a limb? I'm punching above my weight as it is.'

'Come on, gerbil!

'Conversation is rubbish. You could waste years talking to someone

'Cor anglais, of course. Probably plays it in the BNP jazz combo

'cos if I start screaming, there's no one to hear.

'Didn't actually have to say. Don't even have to decide in my own head.

'Don't bomb me, you wouldn't bomb a whitey! '

'Don't get hung up, Mark. It's over. Case closed.'

'Don't stop first. If I don't mind looking gay,

'Escape! Escape! Escape! '

'even if they make me play trust exercises with their genitals.'

'Except I can't see anything,

'Ferrari Testarossa, fast car. Obviously no need to note that.

'Fetherlite. Don't want him to enjoy it any more than necessary.

'Fraid so. Definitely.

'Fuck ****les, she's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.

'Go on, say it. I'm gonna say it! '

'God that's terrible. It's worse than Daryl's bloody cor anglais.

'God, she's amazing.

'God, this is so butch! If I was with Mark we'd just be sitting in the corner rating the alcopops.'

'God, this is such a mess.

'God, what is he taking?

'Good old Clarkson! '

'Got to get in first, ask her out on a day trip. What's a banker? '

'Got to get in there.'

'Got to go! Can't believe Personnel issued happy hats.

'Got to keep her interested. Prove I can breaking taboos. But what?

'Got to let him make his own mistakes like Dad did with me and the Strimmer.'

'Got to stick it out. Keep being charming to Sophie,

'Ha, got my emotional meathook in. Now time to waggle it around.'

'He hasn't got any massage oil. He's trying to make me obsess about massage oil.

'He kissed her?! I've got to make a move! Maybe I should try tapping her phone.'

'He looked like he was singing. He couldn't have been singing.

'He looks like he's actually getting a bonk on.

'He's gonna do nothing like Jeff's the invading Chinese army.

'He's probably here for community service.

'Hello, "Mark vs Jeff". This I have to see.

'Her breast is just brushing my side there

'Here it comes. No blubbing, no garment rending.'

'Hey! No fair, that's my fun!

'Hope they're not doing it in the hall.

'Hurrah! It was a joke! Hilarious! '

'I can't believe I'm pitching to Gog.

'I can't believe this is happening. He doesn't even floss.

'I can't believe yesterday morning

'I could make a new life. I could learn to like football and learn his ways.

'I haven't got a hard on and I want to cry.'

'I hope he doesn't know it was me who did the shit in his mum's airing cupboard.

'I hope I wasn't too subtle. That definitely wasn't too subtle.'

'I should do something romantic.

'I should get extra marks for not feeling a fucking thing.'

'I tell him, but he won't. Jesus, when can we stop? '

'I tried, I failed

'I was trying to jerk off to Toni's answerphone message

'I win... in the most minor way possible.'

'I wish I was a robot. Maybe I could punch through a wall.'

'I wonder which of my treasured possessions

'I'd be in the mainstream instead of being a freak in our weird puddle.'

'I'll go for these. Coloured. It'll make him look faintly ridiculous.

'I'll say I'm very upset and go and sit on the loo and never explain.'

'I'll seem the most hetero. At least it's Mark.

'I'm a natural! Maybe I should try it on someone better looking

'I'm back to basics moonlight, lake, cardigan.

'I'm definitely king of the hippy jungle.'

'I'm definitely the alpha est male here.

'I'm experiencing humiliation

'I'm Louis Theroux. I'm Louis Theroux and his wry smile at the orgy.'

'I'm not really here, it's research. I'm Louis Theroux. I'm Louis Theroux.

'I'm not uptight. I'm not uptight! '

'I'm probably exactly the sort of person who could end up doing something like that.

'I'm safe. In my cubicle, I'm safe.'

'I'm staring into the abyss. I don't like the look of the abyss.'

'I'm strapped on. If I get a bonk on, I'll say it's a buckle.

'I'm the Ruhr and no one's actually said the word "Dambusters"!

'I've bought a house in the abyss. I'm getting my post forwarded to the abyss.'

'I've done self harm. Compared to that, this is a walk in the park. Do it for Sophie.'

'I've entered the abyss.

'I've got a friend! I've made a friend!

'I've got to cut the link. Daryl is definitely beyond.'

'I've walked into my own personal nightmare.

'Is this it? Is this what my granddad died for?

'It's a relief. Tell me your dreams, memories and reflections, Jeff.

'It's fantastic.'

'It's OK, he doesn't have any feelings. Racists don't have feelings, they're subhuman.

'Jeff! Can't believe they're doing the Stockport contract!

'Jeff's apparent mate, who would never try to nick his bird from under his stupid old fashioned nose.

'Jeffy. Eugh. Punting? Punting equals shunting.

'Jesus Christ! She must be a tranny.

'Jesus, he's good. Careful, there's man love and there's business love

'Jesus. Mark's such a honky.

'Johnson's our new boss. Course we're going to be happy.'

'Just can't seem to crack it.

'Just have a nice big talk to Sophie. A proper chat. Really get down to it.'

'lf you ask me, Skywalker was bloody lucky to get away with turning off his guidance system.

'Light, not slimy!

'Look at me go, I'm charming! '

'Lovely trustworthy voices.'

'Man chat topics: footballer Darren Anderton. Figure of ridicule due to repeated injuries.

'Mark or Jeff? Jeff's normal.

'Mash will clog up my brain and make everything all right.'

'Maybe I can fill the abyss with lots of urgent calls.'

'Maybe I should stop trying to break into her e mail.

'Maybe I'm too nice. I should have tried, "Hey, baby, suck this

'Maybe it'll go really well and I'll have a double wedding with Jeremy on Friday.

'maybe there's a time and a place for squalor.'

'Maybe there's nothing wrong with me and I'm just a normal human being! '

'Metallica... milk? '

'Mmm, Sophie, with her lovely soft face

'Mmm. Warm copies make everything better.'

'More than once every four hours would be obsessive.'

'Must remain non uptight for Sophie

'Must... think... words, funny words.'

'My moves are nothing, are they? '

'Nancy. Nancy. Nancy.'

'Next she'll be telling us to use the Force.

'Nice work, Mr Fucking Stupid.'

'No running away, just stay here and let it all flood out.'

'No way. No fucking way.'

'No wonder they're ten a penny.

'No, I don't think I'm going to. My brain can't make me. So there.'

'No, it's not my style. Got to stick to my own methods, my homespun charm.

'No, not here. No, this can't happen! '

'No, to act relaxed, it'll take all my cunning, skill and concentration.'

'now it's time to take advantage of the '60s vibe to get it on with Sophie.'

'Oh, for God's sake! '

'Oh, God, he's taunting me! I should've made him a cup of tea when I had one.

'Oh, God, I love you. I love you so much.'

'Oh, God, I'm even boring when I'm a Nazi

'Oh, God, it's gotta be me.'

'Oh, God, this is terrible.

'Oh, God, why did I... with Toni?

'Oh, Jesus, don't kill me, I'm not her date. Kill him.

'Oh, Jesus, it's Mark! '

'Oh, Jesus. This is a minefield. Serve him right if I prick them all with pins and then..

'Oh, no, she's coming.

'Oh, no, that would be far too simple'

'Oh, no! No! No!

'Oh, shit! He knows, he knows it was me. He's got a pipe bomb in his trousers.

'Oh, shit. Oh, bollocks. Of course, I can't just make a nice, normal friend.

'Oh, shit. There he is. Am I actually gonna do this?

'Ohh, can't retract the wink.

'OK, come on. You can do this.

'OK, done the hard part, they've seen and rated my penis,

'OK, going undercover.

'OK, here we go. "And last night Mark was a bit weird." Fair comment.

'OK, so, dance class.

'OK, Sophie. Here goes.

'OK, this is the last time. I've really got to stop it, at least ration it.

'On the plus side, she's obviously confident I'm not a potential murderer.'

'Or maybe I'm just overreacting. Maybe everyone does it, and it's cool and Ali G

'Perfect excuse for her to go round to his place, and I'm stuck with the new guy.'

'Perfect.

'Perfect.

'Please like my music, you lanky wanker! '

'Please, please let me do the music for your Honda film! '

'Public humiliation. Welcome to my world, Jeff.

'Saturday shift! I thought we had people in Ireland to do this for us

'Say no. Ask her to go for a walk.'

'Sex And The City. S A T C

'She bought it. "Ooh, I'm so scared."'

'She needs to express her feelings more. Ha! Just, check the inbox.

'she'd be more likely to stick with me.

'She's buying it! God, it's so easy being a freak!

'She's no tranny! '

'She's only been single for a few minutes but already you've found her a new boyfriend.

'Shit, I'm making too many notes! Just imbibe the culture.

'Shit, what if they bring in forensics? '

'Shit! Who's Mr New Pants? Fuck, he's crossing a boundary.

'Shit. Got to stop this. Grab the wheel. Cause an accident.

'Shit. This is just not normal. Someone's gotta do something.

'So, what have I got?

'Sophie got pregnant and he ended up... getting married? Got to think through these plans.

'Sophie's eating up his whole Buddhist schtick.

'Sponsored bungee.

'stay cold to Karen, without breaking social convention.'

'Sure, an orgy sounds great, but you're basically just multiplying

'Surely I'm not about to sing? '

'Take a crap on the floor? No.'

'That wasn't convincing.'

'That's not a saucy metaphor.'

'The first friend I've made since Nick Bickford in '96.

'The freedom to do this? Jesus! '

'the number of people you won't be able to look in the eye afterwards.'

'The squalor. It's happening. It's Woodstock, it's Altamont, it's My Lai.

'Then falling back in on myself in the familiar shower of self loathing.

'There he goes, dead man walking.

'There's definitely a taboo against that. Plus, if she got disfigured,

'There's no way of knowing for sure.'

'There's nothing erotic about a hall, is there? '

'They probably sound more fun than they really are. Like Laser Quest.'

'they'll be putting in each other's anuses tonight? '

'They're useless. I wish they were all robots.

'They're... women, that old get out.

'This is bad, very bad. The canal perfect venue for the emotional bump off

'This is bloody brilliant! I'm having fun!

'This is crazy. I should be working, but I'm not.'

'This is good. This is like watching a porno.

'This is great. I think I prefer this to sex. No responsibility

'This is it. I have entered the world of men.

'This is it. This is my lowest ever.

'This is probably how the Manson family started.'

'This would never happen at the pub'

'Three days to organise, a lifetime to look back on from our cottage in Dorset.'

'Three times a day. Yak, yak, yak.

'Time to cut out the middleman.'

'Toni, shit, gotta deal with Toni.'

'Too formal. Lighten things up.

'Try and forget. Mash will help.

'Turkish shepherd, ate his own testicles. NB: Ignore tragic earthquake context.

'Ultra Strong. Yeah, he won't feel a thing. But then maybe he'll last longer.

'Unless... '

'Well. there he goes.

'What a surprise you haven't got any because you're a gristle head.

'What am I gonna do?! '

'What am I gonna tell Gog? What happened to all the time? We had loads! '

'What do I know about love and happiness? I know you have to play dirty, my friend.

'What shall I write? Can't just put "Not Jaws". Do pretend writing.'

'What the fuck am I doing?!

'what with falling towards the ground with only a massive rubber band between me and...

'when actually I was gonna use the Buddhist as a human shield.'

'when I come into the office with a Kalashnikov and 200 rounds of ammunition.

'Where's Sophie? She said she'd be here.

'while, in fact, the lid stays very firmly on.'

'Why?! Sex slavery? Murder clear up? '

'Wish I'd told him to fuck off except then I'd never be allowed back.

'Yeah, but what does she really think? Probably shouldn't look again today.

'Yeah, fuck carrot and stick. He's making the stick out of carrot.

'Yeah, right, don't mind the maniac! How are we supposed to not mind him? '

'Yeah, sure, honey. Appear to be opening the box

'Yeah, you can keep your VD and your barricades

'Yeah, you won't be so cocky, Jeff,

'Yes, little Tetraminos, you fit neatly together and dissolve

'Yes! I'm in! Bollocks to emoting, I've got my hands on her innards!

'You're a bottler, Corrigan. You couldn't bungee, you wouldn't lunge.

"'but he's so uptight." OK.'

"'But, shit! He came, so that was pretty amazing." OK!

"'Gave him a kiss, but not sure. He can be so pushy."

"'Had dinner with Jeff later." Ooh, naughty.

"'He didn't really get it." What's to get?

"'Mark was so sweet, feel like we could have something special if we see more of each other."'

"'Mark's clever and funny, but he's so serious. I wish we could just be mates for a while

"'Soph, just a thought, d'you fancy going punting on Saturday?

"'Thought it might be a laugh. Bell me. Love, Jeffy."

"and just because it's new and strange and unnerving

"doesn't mean it's not brilliant."

"Good luck with the marriage."

"Listen, cynics, this is the modern world,

"Love life" may be a grandiose term for staring at women on the bus.

"the fresh water against my skin, I haven't got my stuff."

"Twat a geezer"?