NewsRadio - Season 5 Edit

A "compulsive impostor." Yeah, what's that mean?

A 150 so far. Wow.

A and ch change your sweater, all right?

A big mistake that you need your parents the most.

A billion dollars a year in revenue

A boat chartering company in Afghanistan.

A bridge?

A bridge.

A bunch of gay kicks and stuff.

A can of whoop ass on somebody, it's industrial sized.

A charlatan who cured you of your Boston accent

A club representative will be visiting you shortly."

A coffee mug. Thank you.

A couple of frosty tall boys for us.

A few minutes. A few hours.

A few snacks. Some cola. And a special little movie.

A few words of advice on videotape for them.

A fine? That's right.

A foodie?

A fragile little helpless doll who's now filled

A fresh cup of coffee before the meeting was over,

A friend gave it to me.

A friend whose identity I shall never divulge.

A fully owned subsidiary of Jimmy James Incorporated.

A good one what?

A gourmet kitchen is indispensable.

A great, big, beautiful present

A guy who allegedly steals a little ring,

A happy bir [BLOWS]

A Jamesmont soda.

A large green duffel bag.

A letter of recommendation from me,

A little AM radio station, you know?

A little bit too charismatic.

A little bit too much mercy, all right?

A little bit too sensual.

A little bit worse than a girl, heh.

A little help, please.

A little help? Anybody?

A little liquid treat I call water.

A little mock interview situation for you.

A little pricey but they get you there.

A little something to say. So, Joe, you're up.

A little.

A lot of evidence that looks really good for Mr. James.

A lot of things can, uh, happen

A man calling himself D.B. Cooper hijacked a plane

A marriage and a career.

A mere mortal riding a horse of the gods?

A million marching mommas can't be wrong.

A negotiating pawn in a corporate battle.

A new season was upon us.

A new spear gun and hunt down Matthew.

A nice car and an empire. You do the math.

A one, two, a three, a four.

A pad! Get it?

A passion for tap dancing. [LAUGHS]

A pirate. I was dressed as a pirate for Halloween.

A pretty little face like yours

A problem is what you make of it.

A re you guys busy? No, no, no, no.

A real dog. Let me see him.

A really big bridge.

A recent survey shows that 80 percent of Americans

A restaurant that John John Kennedy might eat at?

A retirement party, speeches and all that stuff,

A second here?

A share in the profits, and then the productivity

A sharp tongue to do a hug's work?

A shiny rubber ball that bounces.

A shiv? Yeah.

A spokesman for the singer said she'd press charges.

A stalled truck is blocking traffic

A stand up triple.

A story on D.B. Cooper.

A straight up, street smart, all American ass kicking.

A thank you note. Ah...

A total of five minutes today.

A traumatic experience?

A what?

Aaagh!

Aah! What?

Abductions. Implants. Forced breeding. I gotta be brave.

About a hundred. Who are the finalists?

About a soybean plant in Georgia

About as bad as they possibly could.

About constitutional rights.

About dabbling in the written word.

About drinking brewskis in the office,

About him swallowing it now.

About how much Mr. James means to you,

About Max needing some mothering?

About monsters and vampires.

About the best day that Mr. James and I

About the computer. Can you fix it?

About the involvement of tongue?

About the office Halloween party.

About the whole time? Yes. Gruesome, isn't it?

About this massive lie you have fabricated.

About this whole retirement thing.

About who we are, what we do, right?

About why I came through the window though?

Absolutely not.

Absolutely not.

Absolutely not. I just hired him,

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

Absolutely. Sure.

Accused of being

Actually, babe,

Actually, can I use your phone real quick? No.

Actually, D.B. Cooper is said to put the money

Actually, do you mind if we talk just before we go?

Actually, I fight

Actually, I just came back to forgive Matthew.

Actually, I think I might. No.

Actually, I thought it was first base.

Actually, I wanted to make another pitch for Jack Callaway.

Actually, it is cute.

Actually, it might not be carpal tunnel.

Actually, Matthew, that's

Actually, Max, it's 16. Sixteen?

Actually, no, I think Johnny's only working on two levels.

Actually, one of us deserves.

Actually, probably probably two or three.

Actually, sweetie, to me you're both.

Actually, that's correct.

Actually, there's a fridge full of soda over there.

Actually, this one's kind of personal, so I'll go ahead

Actually, we're practicing

Actually, what about the wine in your drawer?

Actually. Well, me too.

Adam West? Yeah.

Adam? ...with that green satch Yes?

Adam? I was the guy

Admit it. Admit it. Admit it!

Afraid not.

After a carriage ride around Central Park. Huh.

After each candidate speaks, you will

After extensive investigation,

After I took a sip of that security guy's malt liquor.

After the battle of Guadalcanal.

After the circus left town."

After you bought her a newspaper.

Again with the clipboard.

Again, get to the point. Well

Again, Jimmy, I'm really sorry I got you mixed up in this mess.

Ah ha, I like it.

Ah hooga! Ah hooga!

Ah huh, what if they fail?

Ah huh, yes. That's delightful.

Ah huh, you can, you can talk to them.

Ah huh. Yes. Yes.

Ah, back off, fella.

Ah, Dave. When we Oh.

Ah, doing what?

Ah, don't worry, Max. Jimmy's only offering to help

Ah, good, good, good. I'm just on the, uh, phone

Ah, good. More fuel for my wrath.

Ah, I couldn't find any punk rockers

Ah, I kind of promised Max he could do it if you wouldn't.

Ah, I was hoping you'd never notice that clause.

Ah, I'm making a point, son.

Ah, just move out in the middle of nowhere in New Hampshire.

Ah, Max, good. I wanted to talk to you.

Ah, more fake job descriptions?

Ah, not so. I would much rather have sex than gender.

Ah, Smatthew, I like that.

Ah, that's a great story, sir. Yeah. Thanks.

Ah, the job's a lot tougher than you thought, huh?

Ah, the search for the elusive homemade smart drink.

Ah, there.

Ah, there's my girl.

Ah, this is sweet.

Ah, welcome to Gattaca, son. Eh.

Ah, yes, I do.

Ah, yes.

Ah, you did him, didn't you?

Ah! [CLAPPING]

Ah! All right, my man.

Ah! Do you mean

Ah! Okay.

Ah! Put your hand in the garbage disposal, huh? Mmm. Messy.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah. [GROANS]

Ah. Au revoir to you.

Ah. Cat toys.

Ah. Hey, nice mural.

Ah. I I see. Now

Ah. I'm not afraid of anything.

Ah. Mr. James, you're back.

Ah. Oh.

Ah. So soon?

Ah. So, here.

Ah. Still quitting forever?

Ah. Tomorrow. No.

Ah. Well, a a and your job comes?

Ah. Well, anyone else have anything?

Ah. Well, you know, I did it to confuse my kidnappers.

Ahem. Lisa, could I borrow that? My stapler?

Ahem. Sure.

Ahh hah hah. There.

Ahh, Lisa said you wanted me to write up my job description.

Ahhh!

Aim high and never give up.

Aim low If I had a college diploma,

Aim low.

Ain't gonna stop this crazy old world spinning 'round.

Ain't it grand? You're happy?

Albeit, half of that is Monopoly money.

Alien style.

All I can think of is Lisa Miller.

All I want you to do is just Just look inside yourself.

All news, all the time. I've never done this.

All news.

All of us would like to say

All of us. We are. Believe me, we are.

All of you will serve me.

All ready to go to the movies, Smatthew?

All right dude, I guess art comes first with you too.

All right now, Mr. James, before I have you

All right, according to the police report,

All right, all right, all right. So you're in 7th grade, right?

All right, all right, all year long.

All right, all right, If I was you, I'd be pissed too.

All right, all right.

All right, all right. Absolutely not.

All right, Dave, I think maybe you might have gotten

All right, Dave. Have it your way.

All right, Dave. I'm gonna be honest with you.

All right, everybody. Shh.

All right, fine.

All right, fine. Then let her in.

All right, fine. Yeah. Okay. Thank you.

All right, first of all, you're gonna need a live chicken

All right, forget that.

All right, I'll I'll admit it does seem like cause for alarm.

All right, it's your funeral.

All right, Joe, wait, now stay. Come back. I need you.

All right, Joe.

All right, Johnny, I think this has gone far enough.

All right, just sit down for a second.

All right, just tell me what this is all about.

All right, let me tell you.

All right, let's do it.

All right, let's do this. In three, two, one.

All right, let's give Max a shot.

All right, let's switch. What?

All right, Lisa, I need to talk to you.

All right, listen up, everybody.

All right, look. Just hold on for a sec.

All right, Matthew. Drum roll please.

All right, Matthew. Yeah.

All right, Max, tell you what.

All right, Mr. James, are you relaxed?

All right, now that's the spirit.

All right, now, I want you to look around.

All right, now, who are you hiding from?

All right, sir. I want you to concentrate.

All right, so it seems, Johnny didn't exactly

All right, thanks, everybody,

All right, thanks.

All right, wait. I have a question.

All right, we're gonna settle this right now.

All right, well, what's your advice for the kids, Max?

All right, what the hell was that?

All right, what? What is it?

All right, who's the prankster? Dave?

All right, yes.

All right, you know what?

All right? And the, uh, meeting's adjourned.

All right? And when you're practicing nursing,

All right? Boutonniere, boss?

All right? Did somebody mention

All right? Hey.

All right? I I I know.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right. Ahem.

All right. Ahem. I was, uh, working a summer job.

All right. All right.

All right. All right. I'll shut up.

All right. All right. Special interests.

All right. All right. Whatever.

All right. All right. You take him.

All right. Are Aren't you the least bit curious

All right. Coffee, please.

All right. Come on, you too. Come on. Come here. Come on.

All right. Come on.

All right. Fine, fine.

All right. I told everyone you'd be back.

All right. I'm supposed to read this aloud.

All right. Let me explain my plan to you.

All right. Let's go in the break room.

All right. Look, uh... Okay.

All right. Next up is Max Lewis. Max.

All right. Now, sir, now...

All right. Okay.

All right. Okay. You know what?

All right. Out!

All right. Please don't cut the Webmaster pay, okay?

All right. So there comes a time

All right. So what's on the agenda, gents?

All right. Thank you. Thank you.

All right. That's fine.

All right. that's on everybody's mind.

All right. The Angel of Death has spoken.

All right. The guard called up from the lobby.

All right. Then I guess you owe me a T shirt.

All right. Then there's a blurry picture

All right. Uh, hey, kids Kids.

All right. Uh, standard North American Holstein coming up.

All right. Uh.

All right. Well, I guess ultimately

All right. Well, now you're obviously in denial.

All right. Well, that was pretty good for a first run.

All right. Well, then destroying Mother's Day is

All right. Well, then, what is this plan?

All right. Well, why don't you tell us about the apartment?

All right. Well, yes, yes. We all want to kill Matthew,

All right. What the hell is this all about?

All right. What? What's it about?

All right. What's the deal?

All right. Whatever you say, boss.

All right. When you have two [FOOTSTEPS]

All right. Why don't you stop being so stubborn

All right. Yeah, thank you, Max.

All right. You know, maybe we should, uh

All right. You win.

All that changed the moment I laid eyes on Lisa.

All that changed the moment I laid eyes on Lisa.

All the free cheese you could smuggle out in your overalls?

All the sappy Mother's Day cards.

All the time.

All the way from New Hampshire.

All the way? All the way back? Uh huh.

All these books at the same time?

All these ridiculous sound effects.

All they think about is blood.

All we can do is hope and pray

All what?

All you have to do is threaten to quit.

ALL: ♪ Happy birth ♪ Shut up.

ALL: It's gonna be Matthew.

ALL: Max.

ALL: Sorry. We're sorry, Johnny.

ALL: Surprise!

ALL: Thanks a lot, Lisa.

ALL: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

ALL: Yeah, Yes. No.

Ally Sheedy.

Already tried it.

Also they have that great college up there.

Also, I believe it's important

Also, I did an extrapolation

Although Hum.

Although that's That's not really

Although, it would have been awesome.

Although, yes, technically, he didn't really see it.

Always have been. Always will be.

Always, hm, always cracking wise.

Am going in search of the elusive Jimmy James.

Am I ? Am I right?

Am I a miracle worker or what?

Am I correct?

Am I no longer needed?

Am I right?

Am I to understand

Amateur production of Fahrenheit 451?

Amen. Yeah. Oh.

Americans refuse to take

Amino acids, and herbal extracts together,

An And you.

An electric infant?

An emergency meeting. And I have to write a defense

An extent. Wow. I'm sorry, Dave.

An office Halloween party this year.

An undercover exposé. Which could win us an award.

An unfortunate side effect.

Anagrams reveal the hidden meaning

And And And And Dave's broadsword has a

And And apple cheeks.

And And if you'd like to talk about it, we can

And And Jimmy's legacy got shoved into the damn sewer

And And that shadow is going to land

And And the The pony that he He didn't ride in on.

And And there's a picture of all of us goofing off on it.

And a couple of people were buried underground for days?

And a frilly shirt and an eye patch.

And a handful

And a hard up nerd.

And a red bandana.

And a subscription to Playboy.

And a working knowledge of Latin.

And about a half mile down this road is my cabin.

And after 45 minutes with Max, I'm back at the chowder house

And after all, what's more important than family?

And all I could do was just veg out in front of the idiot box.

And all that other computer jazz.

And also, it's by the park so I can get a dog.

And apparently it is quite a drive.

And as for the FBI's theory,

And as of the stroke of midnight tonight,

And as such, they must be protected.

And as such, we must try to be unbiased.

And as the Marines took the beach on the Solomon Island

And ask yourself, does it really make sense

And besides, Beth

And besides, I seem to remember the two of you throwing back

And between your skepticism and my optimism

And boys are supposed to be all spiders and

And burn them immediately."

And by your own admission you were drunk.

And can you stop shooting hate rays out of your eyes?

And change before coming in to the office.

And children will be deprived of vitamin D.

And clean up this mess?

And climbed into bed with them.

And come back here and give you a whoopin'.

And confidentially, having Mr. James's job

And cows to moo at me while I sit on the porch.

And Dave, I taught him how to release his anger.

And destroying. Right.

And do not send us any more of those pennies.

And do you see the chandelier over there?

And doing what?

And drop into the booth.

And especially the man

And even though he lit out for the wilds of New Hampshire

And everybody's happy.

And everything will be back to normal.

And everything will be fine.

And faked a medical condition? Yeah.

And finally,

And find that logical, practical person

And fly right from now on. Great.

And follow our hearts.

And for more specifics on that,

And for some reason

And for you, Max, brava.

And frankly, we like what we see.

And get him a gold watch. Something like that.

And get out of your hair.

And get right to the point.

And give her her profit sharing?

And give me some information I can use because

And go back into the family business.

And go over everybody's job descriptions

And go.

And guess what? They're tons smarter than you.

And hang out with cows?

And has him arrested?

And have Jerky Jerkson here

And he did not shout, "goody."

And he got Mr. James thrown into jail?

And he has a total afro.

And he helped relax everybody.

And he is a hobo.

And he keeps rubbing that duffel bag in my face.

And he knows security. You can't fake that.

And he proposed to Lisa.

And he says, "yes", all right?

And he sort of held the salesman hostage for an hour or two.

And he treats me like the rest of you.

And he wrestled me right into this pantry.

And he's a lunatic. Yeah.

And he's a wino. Strike two.

And he's got a really impressive physique.

And he's handsome.

And help the villagers hunt down some other freak?

And here you were thinking of myself too. That's

And here. Two floors just for dogs alone.

And here's another cow and another cow and another cow.

And his elephant friend, which are just stupid.

And his name's Johnny Johnson.

And how long it took me to get over him,

And I I'm sure you don't know this,

And I am your willing slave. Huh.

And I ask you to ravage me

And I can do with it what I want.

And I didn't wanna quit my job.

And I do mean literally.

And I do not worship Satan. Now leave me alone.

And I don't wanna see him. I want no part of that guy.

And I feel like wearing this. Deal with it.

And I feel that i it's kind of my job

And I got evicted from my apartment

And I got some.

And I guarantee you everything will work out for the best.

And I guess we can't all be that lucky though, right?

And I had a heart attack and died."

And I hate myself.

And I have the horrible, disfiguring scar to prove it!

And I have to protect myself.

And I heard this strange twittering noise.

And I just got a little sleepy.

And I just thought it was so you.

And I just wanna be that person.

And I just wanna sit at my little desk

And I just want to

And I just wanted to cry, you know?

And I just wanted to say, fight the power, kids.

And I kinda, sorta drove through one side of my house

And I looked in the tree up to the highest branches.

And I realized it's time for me to move on.

And I said yes to Max? "Yes, you can hit on me."

And I said, we don't have any soda.

And I say,

And I think it would be a good chance

And I want him gone now.

And I want samples.

And I want you to beg him to stay, all right?

And I want you to know it comes from my heart.

And I was allowed to have carbs as a treat on weekends.

And I was so happy.

And I wasn't supposed to open it till we were all gathered

And I will cherish this memory forever.

And I will do whatever the hell it is you do.

And I will have it!

And I would be proud to hang it in my own home.

And I'd be proud to hang it in my own home.

And I'd be willing to throw my weight behind it. Mm.

And I'll be back to work tomorrow

And I'll betray him.

And I'll do that and I'll handle it with dignity

And I'll fix it. No, till the end of the day.

And I'll seduce him with my feminine wiles.

And I'm And I'm really glad for you.

And I'm not afraid of anything.

And I'm offering you a seat in first class.

And I'm sick of it, all right?

And I'm sorry if I hurt you.

And I'm telling you to get in that room for the next hour

And I'm the only person wearing a uniform.

And I'm wearing it right now.

And I've come to make good on my promise.

And I've come to the following conclusion.

And if If If you're too embarrassed

And if you abstain, I'm afraid

And if you have a drinking problem what better place

And in a crime ridden neighborhood

And in doing so,

And in our oneness,

And in that state I was able to...

And inspired stuff.

And irresponsible wedding.

And is well on its way to utter chaos.

And it helps you.

And it kind of occurred to me

And it seems that the stations he claims to have worked at

And it turns out

And it was the best business lunch I've ever had.

And it was totally healthy.

And it wasn't even historically accurate.

And it's a good plan.

And it's about laughing at all of his jokes

And it's for the kids.

And it's not gonna be easy

And it's overdue.

And it's part of my job. Yeah, don't worry.

And Johnny gives it to Lisa. Ah!

And Johnny's special friendship.

And just listen to To what we have to say

And just told them to send over a recent graduate.

And keep your mouth shut until the heat dies down.

And kick some ass.

And lawmakers expressed hope the bill would pass

And lawyers and nuclear physicists.

And let me know Mm.

And like I missed some opportunity

And listen to 'em moo.

And long story short, it got out of control. I don't know.

And look at you now. You're Fine.

And made me try to bite this evil fruit.

And make you all my personal slaves.

And may I be the second?

And most importantly,

And most of all, thank you, Mr. Thernstrom.

And moved to New Hampshire?

And moving eulogy ever delivered

And Mr. James has some construction going on

And Mr. James will give it to you.

And Mr. James, and Joe, in here. Alone. Now.

And murdering transients.

And my people made me change it.

And never, ever follow your heart.

And next thing you know, they're hassling the old people

And nobody believes me.

And nobody better try any crap while I'm gone.

And normally I am cool with that.

And not be involved in any of this.

And now filling in for the absent Max Lewis,

And now for an update of our continuing coverage of...

And now I stand before you all,

And now Matthew Brock.

And now news you can use.

And now that I've gotten to know him,

And now that you are all warmed up,

And now The Brock Report .

And now you just want me to unleash it on everyone.

And now, I I know it also comes as no surprise to anyone here

And now, ladies and gentlemen, for your viewing pleasure,

And now, nothing stands in the way

And now, you're trying to take advantage of Lisa's emotions.

And one more thing, Dave.

And one of those black leather zipper masks.

And only come out at night?

And out into the bullpen.

And out the other.

And ransomed it for $200,000

And remember how irritated you used to get.

And remember, Yo Momma March."

And reprogram your motherboard.

And right about now,

And right now, sits in a pool of its own bloody water.

And rub elbows with other people of a similar social class.

And rubber bands.

And ruin his credit rating.

And salud.

And save their jobs but none of it really matters

And second off, why does anyone end up anywhere, all right?

And second, they're called "dairies", not cheese mills.

And she cannot do that while Joe is teaching her

And she doesn't love him.

And she saw right through me.

And she's pregnant.

And sir, I want to thank you too

And snakes and combat boots.

And snakes and combat boots.

And so does my father, and so do my brothers.

And so I told him, "You're not gonna pay that much,

And so I was thinking,

And so please forgive me.

And so, um, on behalf of all the employees of WNYX,

And so, whatever the future may bring,

And start a boat chartering company.

And stole a ring. That is strike three.

And stuff like that. And then on the back

And successfully parachuted away with the loot

And suddenly I fall in love with you

And sure, I mean, ever since then, I had

And Svetlana?

And take responsibility for my actions?

And talk about profit sharing.

And talk to him.

And tell Beth the truth.

And tell me what you see, please?

And tell me which one gets the reference. Thank you.

And that became my "thing."

And that goes for everybody in this office.

And that Hansel and Gretel oven

And that is a Grade A worker.

And that is when Mr. James turned to me and he said,

And that smell.

And that thing about the limo?

And that was just a big, stupid lie I made up because I was

And that would be?

And that's "Max Lewi'' This Day In History."

And that's about it. DAVE: Really?

And that's all right.

And that's too bad, 'cause in a different world

And that's what happened on this day in history.

And that's when I realized I was getting smarter.

And that's why they call me "Can Do Max Lou

And the assistance of the 101st Calvary.

And the children at your new school made fun of your accent

And the day before that,

And the day before, and the day before that.

And the empire.

And the flipping machine ate me quid.

And the grounds crew's spiffing the place all up.

And the heroes of the United States Armed Forces

And the lies, the games and just get down to the truth?

And the next thing I knew, I was

And the strangers

And the streets are no longer yours.

And the waste disposal area.

And the whole thing, went bust in less than a year.

And then he pretends to be priests

And then hold them to it.

And then I got bored and I started online trading.

And then I just started yelling, you know, "Bill. Hey, Bill."

And then I pretty much stayed drunk

And then I'll end up more crushed than I already am.

And then I'll say,

And then ignore them the rest of the year.

And then in San Antonio, I was Johnny Tumbleweed.

And then Lisa, acting as some kind of ceremonial priestess

And then somebody throws a glass.

And then somehow I ended up standing

And then someone at the next table tells us to keep it down,

And then sunk down into anarchy

And then the next day, I wore the uniform.

And then what happened? Well, finally someone opened

And then when it's all over, they clean up.

And then when you were 7 you moved to

And then you dug a new deeper bottom.

And then you know what's gonna happen?

And then you pushed him in that.

And then you sold me out to Mr. James.

And then, because of her special friendship with you,

And then, the local people are so nice.

And then...?

And there are more responsibilities

And there is nothing at all you miss about big city life?

And there was the package. Huh?

And there was this article about a soybean plant in Georgia.

And there's the toilet. Mm hm. Yeah.

And therefore not worth my time.

And they are plenty attractive.

And they beat the crap out of me!

And they gave their employees profit sharing.

And they were gonna send me on a space moon rocket

And they're not always hitting on me like Max is.

And they're saying, "Max, stay with us."

And they've only been engaged for a week.

And think about what you've done.

And third of all, don't ever kiss me again.

And third, a lot of them have good employee benefits.

And third, because he said so.

And this is like that movie Freaky Friday.

And this is where great minds thought alike?

And this of course is his puppy, Max.

And this place is perfect for me.

And this whole thing will pass in a few days.

And thus crush him.

And to forgiveness

And to friendship.

And to me, that's a contract.

And two 15 minutes breaks during each eight hour work day.

And two, don't tell anybody else how you scammed us.

And understanding them,

And University of Florida Gators rule!

And wait Wait until you look. Wait for it.

And watch me cry or leave us in peace?

And we all thought the second coming of Camelot was imminent?