What Happens in Vegas (2008) Edit

A big giant check. I'm so happy.

A feeding frenzy, huh? Yeah.

A few...

A key?

A long time ago.

A lot of deeply unsettling issues...

A lot of fun. That... I mean, last night was...

A lot of issues.

About me. Isn't that right?

About my career, either.

Absolutely.

Actually, thirty grand.

Actually, you know, there was like...

Actually.

After 15 years of loyal service,

Again?

All right, everybody, let's sit down.

All right, well, call me when it's done, okay?

All right?

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right. All right. Okay.

All right. Anything... Oh, yeah. One more thing.

All right. Here it is.

All right. Okay. There it is.

All right. Think of it as a business arrangement.

All right. We are fired up, boys.

All right. Well, thanks.

All right. You're arguing.

All the things you've been trying...

Also, we were supposed to have some friends over tonight.

Although Ms. McNally ran up $25,000...

Am I too dirty? Am I too flirty?

And $50,000 that's already been spent,

And a leather jacket to school...

And act like a total idiot?

And all they took was the door.

And as of late, it's not.

And award all the monies to Mr. Fuller.

And besides,

And cry your guts out till you got no more

And do you believe they put...

And even he can't stand you.

And find me two rooms that are so nice...

And gave her all the money.

And get some boring stockbroker...

And go do something about it?

And granted, there are days...

And he clearly wants to make an example...

And here we are, Central Park.

And I am going to provide for her.

And I can't tell you how much I appreciate...

And I do mean everything, first...

And I forgot, and she said,

And I got a feeling that neither do you.

And I just heard a rumor...

And I need to have sex, 'cause I'm good at it.

And I really wanna make you mine...

And I think I found one. Lafferty v. Holden.

And I think you know who I'm talking about.

And I thought I'd surprise you...

And I want the toilet seat left the F down.

And I wanted to bring it back to you.

And I went to a bunch of really expensive schools.

And I will make it stay.' Oh, God.

And I'd have to add, you know,

And I'm going to provide for her,

And I'm not that... I mean, you... Like...

And if you're trying to insinuate...

And invite them over for dinner.

And it's the best time I've ever had.

And just answer this for you.

And just answer this for you.

And love Such a silly game we play, oh.

And make it happen

And making our marriage work.

And now we're standing face to face

And on week four, the bill arrives.

And one of the funniest son of a bitches

And she was wondering if you could do Friday?

And she's playing you, my friend.

And so I can keep an eye on you.

And some call it a good hate

And some other people. Whatever.

And that would be illegal.

And that's not sexual harassment.

And the judge ruled in her favor.

And the scent off of them, but...

And the sexy shirtless fireman?

And the thing that I value most...

And then he's gonna keel over.

And then it goes down. Like that.

And then later, I'll try to figure out...

And then there's a photo.

And tonight I have to leave it

And tonight I have to leave it

And try to get the stains...

And type in those special codes...

And we have to map out our assault...

And we'll keep on fighting till the end

And what do wily temptresses do, Jack?

And when he answers, they're just gonna, bang,

And you know I mean this in the nicest possible way.

And you know something? I might be old fashioned,

And you made me want to bet on myself.

And you wanted to get happy again,

And you're not allowed on the roof,

And your 'I want it right now.'

And, yeah, I think you're more than dumb enough.

Anyway, I gotta go pick up the present...

Anyway, I'm not buying any of the bullshit...

Are gonna be very active today.

Are you dumping me again?

Are you...

Around your neck...

As soon as you get married, it's nothing...

As you think you're going to lose, you quit.

At some point, you're gonna have...

Be whoever you want to be,

Beat it, worker drone. Tell the man I say hi.

Because I don't care if I ever see him again.

Because I have news for you, buddy.

Because if you do, I'll just... I'll have to cry.

Because it was...

Because people jump.

Because usually it's so important.

Because we're busy loving each other.

Before I let you get away, yeah.

Before I let you get away, yeah.

Before the Exchange, before Mason.

Before the Exchange, before Mason.

Before they 'got married,'

Before, or should I say if

Being's believing

Believe me, I've checked.

Big business, actually. I'm...

Birthday in the park with us.

Blah, blah, blah, blah...

Boyfriend/husband material, okay?

Broken. You know what?

Brooklyn. The B.K. Love it here.

But all her looks were too sad

But for some reason,

But I don't, because I love her,

But I know that a man in your position...

But I never missed a beat

But I will.

But if we can make it seem like she isn't...

But it was not a lie.

But it's somebody else's race.

But the rest is so exhausting.

But then again, I wouldn't know about it.

But then she proved that he'd been unfaithful,

But then we met this wonderful girl.

But these flesh tones and PMS pants.

But those insecurities are long gone now.

But together, in my honest opinion,

But when I said those vows out loud.

But you get married and you don't tell us?

But you I don't care for, so clean it up.

But you seem like a lot of work.

But you're too busy being the life of the party.

But, you guessed it,

By the way, don't worry about me,

By the way, it's your day on dishes.

Can he do that?

Can I get two shots?

Can I speak to you for one second?

Can we get back to therapy now?

Can you undo my zipper?

Can't explain the who or what I was

Can't you understand I hate you my friend

Cannot hide it

Charm them all, and then,

Cheers.

Close my eyes, feel the rhythm

Close my eyes, feel the rhythm

Club footed Cuban bartender who came into a ton of money.

Come on with your come on You don't fight fair

Come on, man. Hey.

Come on, sweetheart.

Come on.

Come on. Don't be afraid.

Coming right up. Okay.

Community college?

Congratulations, Jack Off.

Congratulations, Joy. That was a feeling.

Congratulations, McNally.

Congratulations.

Considering you can't even keep a job...

Could tell you that.

Court adjourned.

Curtis. You and I have a problem.

Deep down, she never really felt...

Dick Banger. Dick Banger?

Did I invent hip hop? No. But I was there.

Did I mention that I got fired by my boss slash father?

Did I mention that I threw...

Did the couple.

Did we ever tell you you scream like a girl?

Did you come all the way out here...

Did you just make a plan to make a plan?

Do I attract you?

Do I repulse you with my queasy smile?

Do not say Vegas.

Do you even know how to drive an automatic?

Do you have any idea how much money I've made him?

Do you have anything after 3:00 p. m., possibly?

Do you know he made this bar we're sitting at?

Do you know how many lighthouses...

Do you know what it's like to fall on the floor?

Do you know what it's like to fall on the floor?

Do you mind if they waited in here, too?

Do you really think that I'm dumb enough...

Do you see that? Do you see that, people?

Doesn't mean we can't play at the same game.

Doesn't she look great? You look great.

Don't even make eye contact with her.

Don't forget, I have been living with you.

Don't get me wrong. You're like a son to me.

Don't get your panties in a bunch.

Don't let her play you...

Don't throw any of that hair away, okay?

Dr. Twitchell speaking.

Driver, we'll get out here. Thank you.

Dude, we won.

Dude, you're letting this chick...

Especially when it's a catch like Joy here.

Every day for six months.

Everything's all right

Excuse me.

Excuse me. Out of my way. Thank you.

Eyes on the prize.

Fire away

First, we give them to you,

First, when there's nothing...

For a moment there, I...

For best team spirit goes to a new face,

For his new furniture business.

For materials...

For so long, I've just...

For the first time, Mr. and Mrs. Jack Fuller.

For the whole weekend.

For those on the metric system.

For three weeks out of the month,

For very long before we got hitched.

For you to realize what you had.

Freak.

From all the emotional eating due to the break up?

From Dr. Twitchell's office.

From Vegas? That was nice.

Get him drunk. It'll slip right out.

Get out of here. Get out of here, both of you.

Get out of here. Get out of here.

Get out of the house right now.

Get out of the house.

Get the Chonger and get up here right away.

Get up here. Come on.

Go away.

Go back to your... zoo or whatever it is you do

Go back to your... zoo or whatever it is you do

Go figure.

Go get your future ex ex wife.

Go.

Go.

God damn it. No, you don't get it.

God. I had no concerns, you know?

Gold digging whore.

Gone? What do you mean, gone?

Good bumping into you like that. Weird.

Good luck paying for that cab without your wallet.

Good night, Mrs. Fuller.

Good.

Got to warm these people up, you know?

Gotcha. Let's begin.

Gotta be everything more

Gotta be everything more

Gotta be green Gotta be mean

Great people. Wealthy people. Sit down, sit down, sit down.

Great.

Had I seen this side of you before.

Half an hour, people. That's 30 minutes...

Have a place to live?

Have you lost weight?

He does nothing...

He doesn't do anything all day, okay?

He doesn't even deserve me.

He peed in the sink.

He probably just wants to give me a big smooch.

He said it would only be a few hours.

He will be there.

He's a tool, but he's smart.

He's gotta make it look real...

He's over there, coaching the Little League.

He's there.

He's...

Hello, McNally. Jack Off, how are you doing?

Hello, sir.

Hello?

Her candles smell awesome.

Here we go.

Here, well, you want to, uh...

Here. Sorry.

Here. These are antibacterial. Get to work.

Here's my thought on what we should do...

Hey man now you're really living

Hey man now you're really living

Hey, come on. Come on.

Hey, how's she doing?

Hey, I have a question.

Hey, I... These...

Hey, look who's being a good wifey,

Hey, McNally.

Hey, you want to go grab a glass of vino?

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey. Don't worry. Your secret's safe with me.

Hey. Here...

Hey. Hey, hey, hey.

Hey. Hey. Hey, hey. Here we go. Yeah.

Hey. Look what I brought my new hubby.

Hi, honey. Welcome home.

Hi, Tipper. Judy.

Hi, you've reached the happy couple.

Hi, Your Honor.

Hi.

Hi. This is Annette calling...

Hit me with your best shot

Hiya.

Hobbies.

How about yourself?

How much does an island cost?

How's it going tonight? You guys having fun?

Huh?

I actually think that Jack could sell his furniture.

I agree completely. I mean.

I am talking about one place and one place only, my friend.

I believe in miracles

I believe in miracles

I bet you look really good with your hair down.

I called her a vixen. I called her a vixen.

I can finish this beer faster than you.

I can have a vial of crabs here...

I can not wear pants for six months.

I can put them back.

I can't do this.

I can't have it all Now I'm dancing for my life

I can't right now. Sorry.

I can't talk right now. I'm sorry.

I carry this notebook around with me,

I complain, and you tell me there's nothing you can do,

I could be brown I could be blue

I could be brown I could be blue

I could pretend

I could pretend

I could use some coffee.

I dare you.

I dare you.

I deserve it.

I did take myself out of the game.

I did. So I'm going to get out of here.

I did. So I'm going to get out of here.

I didn't do it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I didn't even know you had a boyfriend.

I didn't know anything about that.

I didn't know you coached Little League.

I didn't... I don't have my glasses on.

I do, but, you know,

I do. I take him.

I do...

I don't at the moment, Your Honor,

I don't have any cookies.

I don't know how people do this.

I don't know what made you change...

I don't know what the hell she was trying to say anyway.

I don't know yet.

I don't know, maybe, say, the part where

I don't know.

I don't know. If you were miserable...

I don't know...

I don't like any of you.

I don't like what's in your eyes

I don't like you.

I don't want to marry you, Joy.

I ever allow either of you out of this marriage.

I fall a lot these days. I'm just...

I feel like the fact that he's gone...

I gave it to you, and I want you to have it.

I get what you guys are doing. Okay.

I guess I was wrong. You do clean up pretty well.

I guess you're not a big sharer.

I guess you're not a big sharer.

I had no idea you were so much fun.

I had no one to please but myself.

I had, like, no responsibilities,

I hate you my friend

I hate you my friend

I have a giant colorful check to deposit.

I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to do. No clue.

I have my retreat.

I have to get going. I just...

I have to go.

I heard.

I hit my head on a doorknob.

I just got dumped, so, salud.

I just got fired. So, cheers to that.

I just love you so much.

I just met Chonger's husband. He's a very smart guy.

I just want it to be love

I just...

I just...

I kind of want to just roll around in it.

I know that the box said 'movie theater butter,'

I know we ain't got much to say

I know we ain't got much to say

I know what you mean.

I know you.

I know you're still mad at me about the firing,

I like your hair like that.

I love that, that you said that.

I love Vegas.

I made a huge mistake letting you go.

I mean that.

I mean, forever.

I mean, I would never live here, ever, but...

I mean, it was just right on the beach,

I mean, really, let's do this mother.

I mean, that's not, you know...

I mean, what kind of man animal...

I mean, you are a lot of fun, Joy.

I mean, you spent, what, like,

I meant them.

I now pronounce you man and wife.

I officially want nothing from you.

I probably would have promoted you...

I quit my job.

I really do. I just don't know.

I really, really need to get in there.

I said are you gonna be my girl?

I see that now.

I still don't feel good enough for him.

I still haven't decided yet.

I tell her everything.

I think he's trying to drive me crazy.

I think I know what you mean.

I think just being there for her, in general.

I think she just enjoys being miserable.

I think that means they want us to kiss.

I think we both know how this game works.

I think you guys should just...

I thought maybe we could talk about,

I tried banana nut sprout this morning.

I try to be like Grace Kelly

I want my new da ughter in law...

I want the bathroom door back.

I want this place to be an escape.

I want to apologize for her.

I want to make up for the wrong I did to you.

I want you back, Joy.

I was about to marry the rebound guy,

I was feeling really adventurous,

I was hoping to maybe get her number.

I was just visiting some friends.

I win. I get a second chance.

I won a case. Jesus Christ.

I won.

I work 80 hours a week and I don't even know why.

I would love to.

I would. I really would. I just...

I wouldn't bet on me winning.

I, I, I, I, I I can feel it in your kiss

I, like, threw up in my own purse, so...

I... Yeah.

I'd have to agree.

I'd rather do nothing and be happy...

I'd rather go to hell...

I'll be seeing you at the...

I'll bet you $5

I'll call you about the annulment.

I'll give her the crabs, easily.

I'll give her the money.

I'll have a vodka and a Scotch.

I'll jump on that grenade, too, I suppose.

I'll just take this to him.

I'll play you for it. You win, I'm out.

I'll tell you what, she not gonna be...

I'm a little frightened of you.

I'm a pretty fun guy. You can ask around.

I'm a pretty important guy...

I'm almost done.

I'm almost done. I'll be right out.

I'm arrested. You guys, I'm arrested.

I'm going to buy you a big box of Tampax...

I'm going to do exactly...

I'm going to make sure that you try everything,

I'm going to save that for my non retarded husband.

I'm gonna love her,

I'm gonna turn on the lights, and that's...

I'm good at stuff.

I'm holding down the fort in the meantime.

I'm Jack Fuller. I'm a friend of Joy's.

I'm just going to wear it on the other hand.

I'm just waiting for her to get down here.

I'm leaving you.

I'm not having a six way right now.

I'm not here under court order,

I'm not over

I'm not over you just yet

I'm not over you just yet

I'm not usually this honest.

I'm not wearing the ring...

I'm on it.

I'm really, really rich. I'm really, really rich.

I'm saving it up to make you something special,

I'm so clumsy.

I'm so glad to see you.

I'm so glad you could make it. Hey, sweetie.

I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry, I just had this thing...

I'm supposed to line up the hand towels...

I'm supposed...

I'm talking about the fact that there are...

I'm talking about.

I'm totally gonna write that down.

I'm usually not this fun.

I've been looking through some case law,

I've been so naughty.

I've ever had the pleasure to know.

I've loaned you my band saw, I've loaned you my beer tap.

I've never been...

I've tried to please everybody.

Idiot.

If I could just get in there for a sec.

If I could make someone dead with my mind, it would be you.

If it sat on his face.

If you just do what the guy says,

If you need anybody to talk to,

If you stop betting,

Ignore her.

In 30 minutes.

In a world made of steel

In case you couldn't tell

In credit card debt in my client's name,

In fact, actually,

In fact, I'm happy I'm not with him anymore.

In front of all of our closest friends...

In my employees is honesty.

In my nose every time I look at you?

In sickness and in health...

In the middle of your living room.

In the South,

In these little slutty outfits.

Into weekly marital counseling.

Is capable of producing certain amenities.

Is considered contempt of court.

Is that he's your dad.

Is there any way around this?

Isn't this world a crazy place

It feels better to let go

It goes up,

It hurts.

It is?

It might come as a surprise to many of you...

It was not. It was.

It'll drive her crazy.

It's a start.

It's all right

It's all right

It's all right

It's all the way at the top.

It's almost over. I'm about to be a free woman.

It's from the Latin, meaning 'my bitch.'

It's just so easy.

It's like he's not even a grownup, okay?

It's like she doesn't even want...

It's like you're trying to come in first...

It's not a second chance...

It's not so bad.

It's off.

It's okay

It's okay. Just leave them right there.

It's really good. I'm proud of you.

It's ridiculously good. The orange juice is good.

It's the real thing.

It's unnatural.

Jack Fuller and Joy McNally,

Jack Off. Give it to me, baby.

Jack Off. Jack Off. Jack Off.

Jack was our glue.

Jack wore a little fedora...

Jack, are you sure that's what happened to you?

Jack, what happened to your face?

Jack. You have got to get your ass down there,

Joy and I are going.

Joy told me...

Joy, come on over. Joy.

Joy, you're gonna need to take off this ring.

Joy?

Joy.

Just let me handle it, okay?

Just saying.

Just so I can thank you,

Just so I can write it down,

Just so, and I didn't...

Just to give this back to me?

Just to prove that you're not a robot.

Just you're a little on the heavy side.

Keep this our little secret for a little bit?

Keep your eyes on the prize, Jack.

Kind of a scary person.

Kind of guys,

Knowingly entered into this marriage,

Laces and rainbows and trapdoors.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Lavender.

Leave a message. Leave a message.

Let it end up in the trash.

Let me introduce you to my friends.

Let me see.

Let you down.

Let's buy shit.

Let's just go downstairs. I smell an upgrade.

Like a hat or a sweater.

Like a man should be.

Like a summer's day in May What is love, what is love?

Like an actual key to your apartment...

Like it would take, like, a team of guys, and I'm not...

Like she was good enough to be with you.

Like there is a way around this?

Like, be right out right now.

Listened to the waves, watched the sunset.

Look at every girl in here except for her.

Look at that. You had to come all the way...

Look, I didn't bring my buddy all the way out to Vegas...

Look, I don't really care much for you,

Look, I don't want to push here,

Look, there's no easy way to say this.

Loving her until it hurts.

Made of stone

Make a hundred pretty babies.

Make your case here, okay?

Makes us a little closer.

Marriage is about love and commitment.

Marriage is hard.

Marriages are an outdated concept...

Mason.

Maybe chat up for a bit?

Maybe you should try telling Jack...

McNally, where have you been hiding this guy?

Mine? You can't remember the date.

Mmm hmm.

Mom. Dad.

More importantly, Your Honor, my client...

Most people would be repulsed,

Mostly, I just like loving her.

Mother of the baby saved from the fire...

Mother wasn't going to see a cent of that,

Mother's third marriage was to this 20 year old...

Mr. Banger, I just wanted to take this moment...

Muffin, I've been looking everywhere for you.

My back.

My client has advised me that...

My eyes. It burns.

My God.

My head and my eyes are burning.

My hobbies.

My Uncle Pat is having a birthday party...

Neither am I,

Never used to give me much of a thrill

Nice.

Nine nine. Food stamps. Tastes so good.

No offense,

No offense.

No one here likes you Go away get a clue

No one here likes you Go away, get a clue

No one here likes you Go away, get a clue

No one here likes you Go away, get a clue

No, I don't. But I think that's the point.

No, I mean, you look great.

No, I was thinking about it a lot...

No, I was waiting for you to do that.

No, I... I'm just... I'm just gonna...

No, it makes us a little bit just...

No, it's just... It's a party trick. It's not...

No, it's not. No. This happens.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Relax, relax, relax. Relax.

No, no, no, no, no, no. This can't wait, Joy.

No, no, no, no, no. I wouldn't...

No, no, no. I can't, or I'll never do this.

No, no, please, please, please.

No, no.'Be right out' is not really gonna work.

No, not yet.

No, that's actually the light side.

No, you didn't.

No, you just... You...

No.

No. I was coming down here to dump you.

No. It doesn't happen.

No. It was not our first date.

No. No, I think it's the exact right amount of board.

No. Really?

Not as much as I love you.

Not me. I just... I love it.

Not now.

Not only would you get out of the marriage...

Not really.

Not that real.

Nothing like a nice boob. What is your problem?

Nothing. It's good.

Now that felt like a real married couple.

Now that you guys are officially done.

Now that's the spirit.

Now watch and learn.

Now we come to the final item on our agenda.

Now, Chonger is bringing her husband...

Now, if you want me to report back...

Now, Joy, do you take this young man...

Now, Joy, do you take this young man...

Now, listen, Joy,

Obey the court order...

Objection.

Of course.

Of course. Okay, look it. These are for Mason.

Off the boardwalk.

Oh, come on, Jack.

Oh, come on.

Oh, come on. One drink.

Oh, Egyptian cotton. That's nice.

Oh, God, yeah.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh, God. Please be fake. Please be fake.

Oh, I am so up to it.

Oh, I get it.

Oh, I have a feeling, all right.

Oh, muffin pants, what a wonderful gift.

Oh, my God, seriously, you guys.

Oh, my God, she is so f ing hot.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Dude, it's a trap.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.