Neighbors (2014) Soundboard Edit

A girl in the audience unexpectedly hands one of our brothers a beer

A strike?

Abercrombie, Fitch.

About what you're gonna do next year.

About you and the fraternity..

Absolutely.

Act like you just woke up.

Actually. (GASPS)

Ahhh!

Ajoint. Thank you, guys

Alcohol, drugs, passports, ping pong paddles

All of it. All of it.

All right

All right, balls before dolls.

All right, brother. Good to see you.

All right, fellas, get a move on. Hootie hoo!

All right, let's pull these bad boys off and see what we've got.

All right, let's put that down.

All right, man, I should probably...

All right, you do it. You do it.

All right.

All right. Good talk, man. Later.

All right. Let's do it

All right. Wow, you're really going for it

All righty. Well...

ALL: ..

ALL: (CHANTING) Assjuice! Assjuice! Assjuice!

ALL: (CHANTING) Delta Psi.

ALL: (CHANTING) He's still alive

ALL: (CHANTING) Throw shit off the porch. Throw shit off the porch.

ALL: (SINGING) Can you take me higher?

ALL: Assjuice. Assjuice.

ALL: Aw! Yeah.

ALL: Chivalry above self!

ALL: Delta Psi!

ALL: Hoo ah!

ALL: Hoo ah!

ALL: No, no, no!

ALL: No!

ALL: Oh! Shit!

ALL: Whoa!

ALL: Yeah!

Also, if you could maybe, just sometimes...

Amidst the rest of these legends!

An errant ball lands in a brother's beer,

And after that one fateful sip,

And fucking with you, like he always does.

And he just drinks it.

And her vagina, Bye! It's ruined!

And I really need you there. Please?

And I tried to get you to stop, and you wouldn't stop.

And if you're in the back, it is approximately a 20 minute wait.

And it comes back, and it's all stretchy and flappy!

And it's terrible.

And now, as President of Delta Psi...

And remember, once they start kissing,

And see all those bitches that I hate

And the dog goes, 'Woof, woof, woof, woof!'

And the whole frat will implode.

And then you know what happens?

And they're gonna fucking party a lot.

And this is not your Bro, this is your boss talking. (CHUCKLES)

And this isn't the first time. No, no, no, no. They flooded the basement

And this time, I'm going to ejaculate.

And this year, we will make it on that wall.

And Vice President, we call...

And we got a fight over here!

And we're fucking grown ups, we have a baby, and they need to be cool.

And what are these kids in the pink shirts?

And you are out.

And you were nothing but great to your ho.

And you're the oldest guy at the party,

And... I'm too drunk to come.

Another one! Another one!

Anyone would do this. This isn't because we're old.

Anyway, just wanted to let you guys know

Architecture joke.

Are at the school pep rally.

Are you gonna reimburse us for those kegs? No.

Are you kidding me?

Are you our new neighbors? We're your new neighbors!

Are you serious?

Are you talking to me, or are you talking to him?

Are you talking to me?

As soon as they move in, they know this

ASSJUICE: Oh, fuck.

Assjuice!

Assjuice! Assjuice!

Assjuice! Assjuice! Assjuice! Assjuice!

Assjuice. Assjuice.

At losing about half your investment.

Attics. Caves. Fire trucks.

Awesome, man. Well, thank you so much.

Awesome, man. Yeah

Baby broke his leg!

Baby, I love you

Baby, I nearly came.

Baby, let me in!

Baby, let's be spontaneous. Let's go fuck on the kitchen floor

Baby, this is a fucking nightmare!

Baby. Yeah.

Baby's first rave

Baby's first rave

Baby's first rave! Baby's first rave!

Bad call.

Be a man and milk me

Be in this moment! Live in this shit with me!

Because I felt safe.

Because I was surrounded by my brothers.

Because in a few weeks, when school ends, so does our probation.

Because soon, you fucking blink,

Because Teddy is just an idea.

Because that's not gonna happen.

Because the only people who would want

Because then I didn't earn it.

Because this is perhaps the safest place on the planet,

Bert and Ernie before squirtin' spermy.

Best night ever.

Big Mac! Yo!

BILL: Uh oh. Mac attack.

Binky, Binky, Binky. I don't know where the Binky is.

Binky's over here. I got Binky.

Biology.

Boo ya!

Boom! Boom!

Boom! No.

Boom! Yes!

Boring ass lives as parents. That's what it is.

BOTH: (SINGING) Born and bred up on the street top

BOTH: All right!

BOTH: Hootie hoo! Hootie hoo!

BOTH: Whoa! (LAUGH)

BOTH: Whoo!

BOTH: Yes! Yes! Yes!

Bottom of my heart.

BOYS: Don't go to sleep!

BOYS: Peekaboo!

BOYS: Whoa..

Brad Pitt before grab clit.

Bros before hos, motherfucker.

Bros before hos, that whole thing? It's over!

Bros before hos.

Bros before hos. Right?

Brothers don't get divorced. Yeah, I know.

Brothers have a bond that goes beyond friendship.

Burning Man!

But Delta Psi is simply responsible

But I don't know why you try to hide this stuff from me.

But I love it.

But I'm going to night school to get my degree, so..

But now, I realize that that's all gonna go back to normal.

But she's afraid because Pete and Teddy are best friends.

But then he convinced me to hang around

But tonight, forget the hot box.

But we can get the biggest hot tub in the world!

But we'll get out of the house!

But when we do it,

But you keep half.

But, I'll see you back at the house, yeah?

But... Okay, wait. Maybe we don't come on strong, though.

Butt Paste. I don't know where the Butt Paste is.

Calm down. Count of three.

Can I come?

Can we light some of those off right now?

Can we take your order?

Can you please keep it down?

Catch up on some Z's, okay? Take a nap.

Celebrities.

Cell phones. Oh.

Check this out. Inside the school seal,

Check this out. Watch the yard

Cheers. Here we go.

Cheers. Here we go.

Chill out, Chill out!

Clearly, you're the one who knows better, so you should know better.

Come here! No!

Come inside. Check out some board shorts

Come on, come on! Damn it!

Come on, come on. Stay on message! I'm sorry.

Come on, guys. Jesus

Come on, just relax. I got you.

Come on!

Come on! Ow! I'm sorry.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on. Just real quick.

Come on. Thank you.

Compadres before I sleep with tu madres.

Cool.

Cool. Great.

Could have been anyone. Any one of these people could have called.

Crazy! I owe you, man.

CROWD: Oh!

Cutting through.

Dance off!

Deez nuts before skinny sluts.

Delta Psi

DELTA PSI BROTHERS: Hootie hoo! Hootie hoo!

Delta Psi forever!

Delta Psi has the upper hand!

Delta Psi is attacking me! I'm under fire right now!

Delta Psi is gone, you're a free man.

Delta Psi puts on a production of Julius Caesar

Delta Psi, bitch

Delta Psi, Delta Psi!

Delta Psi, man

Delta Psi!

Delta Psi!

Delta Psi! Delta Psi!

Delta Psi! Delta Psi! Delta Psi!

Delta Psi! Delta Psi! Delta Psi!

Delta Psi.

Dicks in our hands

Dicks in our hands.

Dicks in our hands.

Dicks in our hands.

Did you find a balloon?

Did you party with this kid? We don't party with them!

Dildo Psi!

Dildo Psi! Dildo Psi!

DIRTY BOY: All right, caller, what's your name?

DISPATCH ON RADIO: We have a disturbance at 2203 West Olmstead.

Distraction, distraction.

Do it anonymously

Do some cat stuff real quick. Be sarcastic or lick yourself

Do you guys want to see something amazing?

Do you promise?

Do you promise? I promise.

Do you see that empty space on the wall?

Do you see what they fucking did to me? We don't stop now!

Do you still like me? Yes, I still like you.

Do you think we'll be good parents?

Do you think your brothers would really treat you like that?

Doctor! Doctor! Oh, God!

Don D****r. Yeah. MAC: Yeah, Don D****r

Don't be so fucking offended. It's not like we're gonna have sex.

Don't call me bitch! Okay. I'm sorry.

Don't call the cops, okay?

Don't kidnap our baby!

Don't open this door no matter what you hear!

Don't worry about it, man.

Don't worry about it, you know?

Don't worry about it.

Drinks down! No alcohol outside! Get the fuck out of here!

Dude, all that shit I was saying the other day

Dude, I don't want you to take this the wrong way,

Dude, I texted you. I said, Shave.

Dude, that was four years ago, okay?

Dude, we are almost roommates.

Dude, we can have walkie talkies,

Dude, we missed the airbag!

Dude, why do you think you're so obsessed

Enjoy the house by yourself, you child!

Everybody has caller ID. You're Mac Radner.

Everybody out! Hootie hoo! Let's go!

Everybody out! Party's over!

Everyone's clearing out. Oh, my God!

Everyone's leaving!

Everything changes completely. Yeah.

Everything I could do, I can't do anymore.

Everything's good. Fucking great party.

Exactly. Well, we won't say it like that. We'll just...

Excuse me. Sorry.

Extra, extra! Baby Swallows Condom!

Fine! Fine!

Fine! Good to know. Fine.

Fine. Okay. Fine then.

First dream, Taco Bell opens next door. That would be fucking dope.

First off, my bad.

For no ejaculation will be occurring due to over intoxication.

For the most epic party moments in history.

Found the airbags!

Four twenty?

Fraternities. They live and die on the concept of brotherhood.

Free party tonight.

Fuck him up, Teddy.

Fuck it. I'll pump and dump

Fuck me!

Fuck me! Fucking idiot!

Fuck me! Shit! They're sending Garf out to talk to him.

Fuck that, all right? I was out of line, man.

Fuck this bush! Fuck that bush, man!

Fuck this bush! Fuck that bush!

Fuck you! No, no

Fuck you. I am not an elephant!

Fuck, are you okay, man? Dude, I'm so... (YELLS)

Fuck, these kids locked everything!

Fuck, they're coming up the driveway. Oh, shit, they're coming.

Fuck!

Fuck! Hey! Shit, stop! Stop! I don't like it, I don't like it!

Fuck! Shit, shit. Go!

Fuck! Shit!

Fuck. Oh, no. Okay, relax.

Fuckers! Fuck!

Fucking just learn to deal with it, okay?

Fucking old people!

Full season of Girls up there in the DVR.

Game of Thrones, we get loud.

GARF ON SPEAKERS: Oh, shit!

GARF: Let's do it.

Garfield. Garfield, yeah. Yeah.

Gay couple? Gay couple?

Generate a noise complaint, or end up on any sort of headline,

Gentlemen, take a look at the wall

Gentlemen, we are fortunate members

Get back in line, Assjuice!

Get back in line!

Get in the dance circle.

Get it out of you

Get off of me!

Get off!

Get on your hands and knees. We need a pail or something.

Get ready to read the headline of the century.

Get the fuck out of here!

Get the fuck out of here! You're so gross!

Get the fuck... Get out of my way! Move!

Get the money and the sweet spot And forever hollerin'

Get the party going again. Get the party started.

Get them out of here forever! Out!

Get those little motherfuckers, turn them against each other.

Get your knees in there.

GIRLS: Aw!

GIRLS: Aw!

GIRLS: Bye, Stella!

Go, go. Okay.

Go! Get the brothers out of here now, man!

Go. go! All right! Hey!

God damn it

God damn it!

God damn it!

God damn it.

God! Dude, take your shit out on someone else, all right?

Gonna turn around now. Gonna look at the wall now.

Good luck with all your problems, officer.

Good luck, Bro.

Good night. Good night.

Good to see you. Good to see you, too.

Got it at my architecture lab. Pretty cool, right?

Grab the baby monitor.

Grab the monitor. Grab the monitor.

Great party, right? Awesome party.

Great to see you too, buddy.

Grow up! It worked. Okay. Okay.

Guys, don't talk. Please let me handle this.

Harder, man. Yeah, really get in there.

Haven't you ever seen a fucking Kevin James movie?

Hazing scandals. Hazing scandals!

He likes them.

He looks like something a gay guy designed in a laboratory.

He sold us out.

He told us not to call the cops.

He'll haze the fucking shit out of you

He's a little scrawny piece of shit with a giant dick.

He's coming

He's done.

He's gone.

He's gotta see them hooking up

He's looking at us.

He's so charming, he'll get the cop to leave.

He's so light. He's all dick.

He's still alive!

He's still alive.

Hello. Fucking bring her.

Hello. This is Julia Child.

Help! Help!

Here they are.

Here's a headline. How about, Go Fuck Yourself?

Hey

Hey

Hey, baby.

Hey, come on. Wait, let's just..

Hey, dude.

Hey, dude. What's up, man?

Hey, homie. I'm gonna fuck your wife with my giant dick.

Hey, I just wanna let you guys know

Hey, it's Ray Romano. What are you doin'?

Hey, Mac, Kelly. What's up?

Hey, man, do you think, maybe we're going, like, way too far with this?

Hey, man.

Hey, man. BOTH: Oh, shit!

Hey, sweetie. Hey, little girl.

Hey, Teddy. It's Mac again. Your neighbor.

Hey, there they are!

Hey, we gotta go work on that thing we were discussing.

Hey, when you called the cops, you violated the circle of trust, Focker.

Hey, who's Batman to you?

Hey, you boys have to go digital.

Hey, you guys, if my calculations are correct,

Hey, you know, I think the clay is stuck to my pubes.

Hey! How's it going? Hey!

Hey! Ma'am!

Hey! You Delta Psi?

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey. Do not let anyone upstairs, you got me?

Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hi.

Hey. It's a fabulous neighborhood.

Hey. Look who it is. JIMMY: What's up, dude?

Hey. Oh. Gay couple.

Hi, how's it going?

Hi! Hi!

His dick is this big!

Ho, no, you haven't. I'm just saying.

Ho! Hey, babe, you want to party?

Hold on to this moment, man. Seriously, enjoy this.

Hold that gam steady, Pete.

Holy fuck.

Holy shit

Holy shit, guys. I think we made $10,000.

Holy shit!

Holy shit! Did you break your leg?

Holy shit! That's a lot of fireworks.

Holy shit.

Hoo ah!

Hootie hoo When we see cops

Hos don't go before Bros. It just doesn't work like that.

How about some shots, guys?

How are the guys?

How do they know something's wrong?

How do we do this? Do I call the babysitter bunch?

How the fuck could I be cool with that, man?

How the fuck would that make me feel better?

How'd you even do that?

How's it going, sweetie? Good.

How's it going? I'm sorry.

How's Stella? She's a cute baby.

How's the rest of post college life treating you?

I agree. We need to go over there.

I am using the little box in the Face Time to put makeup on.

I am, yeah. Yeah.

I called the cops because you were being noisy, man

I can do cock. I can do C O K.

I can't believe this is happening.

I can't do boob. I can do Bob.

I can't help it, I sympathize with them.

I can't let you in yet. I haven't figured out how to open it!

I can't sell your house.

I can't. No.

I could not deal with that right now. Fuck, no way.

I didn't... (LAUGHS) What?

I don't even know what the fuck to do with this.

I don't even think it would make the local police blotter.

I don't feel safe here, just in case you didn't know.

I don't fucking want to! What do you mean milk you?

I don't get it! MAC: It's from an Outkast song.

I don't get it. Who would even buy one of those dildos?

I don't know if you guys are aware,

I don't know what to do. What do we know?

I don't know where it is

I don't know, bitch. Is it a dance off?

I don't know, man. Just be free.

I don't know! You're a good actor!

I don't know.

I don't know. Hit me with something.

I don't know. We should file a police report...

I don't see anyone else here, either!

I don't see anyone else here.

I don't want to milk you. Well, you're gonna have to.

I don't want to.

I feel free

I feel like shit.

I feel so lame. I can't believe we called the cops.

I fucking did it! I totally did it.

I fucking love you, man.

I fucking love you, Pete. I love you!

I fucking will, man

I get it! He's got a huge dick!

I give you beer pong!

I give you the boot and motherfucking rally!

I give you the hot house.

I got a headline for you.

I got it, I got it. I got it.

I got, like, four pails out of you.

I gotta feed Stella. Okay.

I gotta get back. Gotta get back, gotta get back.

I gotta get more shit. Okay. Okay.

I gotta get this out of me.

I guess we're all going down in a blaze of glory, huh?

I had this job interview, so...

I hate Mondays!

I have a call, it's from Mac Radner. That's you. Right?

I have a headline for this.

I have a little bit of Kevin James in me.

I have not been out since Jimmy and I got divorced

I have to go. She's awake.

I haven't seen you in forever.

I heard they burned down their last house.

I hope you guys come over and try and hang with us some more.

I just have one thing I wanted to say.

I just want to let you know, I ate a pot brownie before coming in here.

I know what you might be thinking.

I know you're all wondering why I brought you here

I know! What's nice about the house

I know.

I know.

I know. Let's just go to sleep.

I know. They're being careful.

I like 'em full, baby.

I like 'em like that

I like it. Don't do that!

I like it. I don't like it, stop!

I love brunch.

I love fucking with you when you high, man.

I love going to The Container Store and buying containers.

I love our hand soap that's shaped like seashells.

I love you so much. I'm so sorry.

I love you, dawg. I love you.

I love you, too, but... Get out of here, man! Just go!

I love you!

I love you!

I love you! I love you, too, man.

I love you. Baby.

I made some blue meth. It's Gatorade.

I mean, as a child of divorce, I just...

I mean, the foundation is flooded. We can't pay for this shit

I mean, we get pretty loud over there. Yeah, yeah.

I mean, we have to get on the wall, plus we bought the kegs.

I mean, yeah, I like their baby,

I mean, you do realize that all this stuff, it's all bullshit, right?

I need backup at 2203 West Olmstead!

I need backup! Over!

I need that Mendelson file by 4:00.

I need to grow up? Yes, you need to grow up.

I never wanted to have to use that on you!

I promise you, as the President of Delta Psi,

I promise. We promise.

I put a little Hebrew in the school sign, you know, like a coded game.

I put sof hamisschak, which is Hebrew for game over.

I realize I probably should have studied a little bit more.

I really need to get out of the house.

I saw him. He saw me.

I think I might be really quite stoned.

I think I realized for the first six months, everything is fucked.

I think I was near one of those oil drums for too long.

I think I'm drunk.

I think it's over.

I think Teddy saw you.

I think that's a compliment. It is a compliment

I think we should invite the old people in

I think you should. Come on.

I thought we were over that. What are you...

I thought we were taking pictures. I cleaned up a little, but...

I want a baby. I'm gonna have a baby.

I want to ask you to the party this weekend that I'm having with friends.

I went here, okay? That's why I'm dumb!

I will haze you until your fucking face falls off!

I would masturbate into her. MAC: That's not how it works.

I'd say, optimistically, you're looking

I'll fucking kill them! No, no.

I'll give it the old college try.

I'll have it to you by 3:30. How's that?

I'll hold onto your balls forever.

I'll never let go

I'll never talk! I'm unbreakable!

I'll throw it away. Just throw it away.

I'm a bit bored, but I'm fine. I'm fine.

I'm a more obtainable goal.

I'm a possum

I'm a psychology minor, you know that.

I'm a psychology minor.

I'm a supernova. Burn bright, die young.

I'm about to rip this shit out of the ground.

I'm allowed to be just as irresponsible as you.

I'm Batman!

I'm Batman!

I'm buying a fucking gun! No, you're not!

I'm coming. Are you close?

I'm counting on it!

I'm doing it. Oh, man.

I'm fine!

I'm fine.

I'm gonna act all docile and then...

I'm gonna come. Come, baby.

I'm gonna drill a hole, I'm gonna pee. I can get bigger pants.

I'm gonna give you a world class knuckle sandwich

I'm gonna go now. No.

I'm gonna jump off the balcony. What?

I'm gonna put out an AMBER fucking Alert!

I'm gonna take our child and go.

I'm gonna throw up.

I'm in! MAC: Yes!

I'm just gonna leave it on.

I'm just kidding. High ones.

I'm just kidding. Sort of.

I'm kidding.

I'm not a baby

I'm not a cow! Well, how else do you do it?

I'm not a distraction.

I'm not a sizeist

I'm not buying a gun! You're right, it's a bad idea.

I'm not doing this anymore.

I'm not even hungry. It's so wasteful!

I'm not gonna come.

I'm not gonna throw that all away now.

I'm not mad.

I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry. It was so dumb.

I'm sorry, baby

I'm sorry, but it's true.

I'm sorry, I felt inspiration. What was I supposed to do?

I'm sorry. I rescind the complaint.

I'm sorry. I'll do anything

I'm sorry. What the fuck?

I'm surprised and shocked, honestly,

I'm taking you to Boner Town, bitch

I'm talking even bigger than last year's White Trash Bash

I'm Taxi Driver De Niro.

I'm the President of a fraternity.

I'm too fucked up! Ahhh! Ahhh!

I'm trying to be your friend, okay?

I'm watching you. I'm watching you.

I'm with Teddy. She's with Teddy

I've always wanted to do this.

I've been doing mushrooms since before the fucking Internet existed.

I've been wanting this. I've got your number.

I've called him ten times. What do we do?

I've never had sex on a dining room chair in my whole life.

If we actually go over there and tell them to keep it down,

If you want to be up there so bad, just put your picture up.

In two weeks, none of this is even gonna matter.

Infiltrate a party, and get them to put hos before Bros

Infinite BJs.

Infinite BJs.

Is how bad this could have gone.

Is it a good one, or a bad one?

Is she awake? I'm more milk than woman

Is that a two story bong?

Is that your real name? Garf?

It broke. I totally broke it.

It doesn't mean I can stop doing mushrooms with teenagers.

It escalated to a really crazy place. That was really nuts, man.

It escalated very quickly.

It is crazy.

It is. Well, it's the second dream.

It means you're too dumb

It only gets better and better!

It smells delicious in here.

It tastes funny.

It wasn't as bad as it seemed. I'm fine.

It works perfectly.

It would just work all the time. It would be awesome.

It's a blessing and a curse!

It's a choker

It's a distraction?

It's a good idea. It's a good system.

It's a headline

It's a really expensive bush!

It's an important, key phrase here

It's because they remind you of the future.

It's Evan.

It's finally happening.

It's good, man. I'm having fun.

It's Jimmy time. You know what I mean?

It's kind of amazing.

It's legitimate, right?

It's like bouncing balls

It's like having sex with Tony Soprano

It's like when you lend a fat friend your shirt,

It's like you're, like, 10 years older than everyone, you know?

It's like, They got us again.

It's mostly guys, but I'm gonna find a girl pretty soon.

It's never coming back. No

It's not a good joke.

It's not cool here. Sorry.

It's not funny. That was really bad.

It's not gonna come off.

It's not working

It's offensive that I'm saying that you should be smart?

It's okay. They've been after us for weeks.

It's over? Okay, it's over, it's over, it's over.

It's over. It's over, man.

It's pretty thick. It's a big file.

It's probably gonna go pretty fucking late, too.

It's really not.

It's the frat's condom! That's the frat's condom!

It's the least we could do, you know?

It's too late. We'll... Okay.

It's very poorly worded. I don't think that would ever make it to print.

It's Watkins.

Jasmine from Aladdin! Jasmine from Aladdin!

Jesus Christ, not another dance off.

Jesus!

Jesus! You **** and your fucking mothers!

Jesus. I'm exhausted

Jesus. Okay.

Jimmy, are you okay?

JIMMY: Everyone breaks, Bro.

JIMMY: Oh, God!

JIMMY: Oh, God! Oh, God!

JIMMY: Subhuman. KELLY: Assjuice.

JIMMY: Yeah. We're pretty deep into it. It's tight.

JIMMY: Yes, hello. This is the President of the neighborhood watch.

JIMMY: You're up

Jimmy! Wake up! Wake up, man.

Junk before trunk.

Just a couple minutes, and then we pour in the latex.

Just a little bit. A little bit.

Just a little taste, a little taste.

Just because I'm a mom doesn't mean

Just because we have a house and a baby

Just get off! Are you talking to me?

Just keep it down

Just keep it down.

Just kind of let it out. Okay.

Just look that way. Just turn around.

Just make sure if we're too noisy, you call me first.

Just relax. Just settle down. Okay

Just say it normal! I can get it!

Just so you know!

Just stop doing this stupid shit! We're sorry

Just stop.

Just the tour, maybe. PETE: Just the tour.

Just the tour. Cool. TEDDY: Oh, it's so exciting!

Just, normal

Keep it down!

Keep it down.

Keep your dick away from my wife!

Kelly, he's coming!

Kelly, honey.

Kelly, there's one left!

KELLY: Assjuice. MAC: Assjuice

KELLY: Hey!

KELLY: I really needed that. MAC: Thank you so much.

KELLY: I think the frat has broken into the car and stolen all of the airbags.

KELLY: Is that a fraternity?

KELLY: Oh, it fucking hurts! I need this milk out of me

KELLY: Oh, no

KELLY: Okay. Congratulations.

KELLY: See? You're such a lame o!

KELLY: What does that mean?

KELLY: Your brothers?

Kicked out of schools more than anything?

Kind of, you know, keep it down.

Lame that we're on probation.

Lame, isn't it, Pete?

Lea Michele from Glee? That's actually funny.

Legalize it, y'all.

Let go, let go

Let's be crazy.

Let's do it. Okay, I'm doing it. Let's do it.

Let's do something crazy.

Let's do something we've never done. Okay.

Let's do that shit. Whoo! Let's do it!

Let's do this shit.

Let's get the leading men out of the way.

Let's get walkie talkies and talk to each other all the time.

Let's go

Let's go! Let's go!

Let's go! This is not a fucking drill!

Let's go. Get the party started! Come on!

Let's go. Go team

Let's just do it!

Let's make a baby.

Let's throw shit off the porch! Whoo!

Lift it! Come on!

Like at the end of a heist, you leave your calling card.

Like the cat. My father... Yeah.

Like, for cuddling, and it's like a love...

Like, low twos

Like, my brother's fraternity also thinks they invented beer pong.

Like, way too excited.

Like, when you think of Batman, who's Batman?

Little bit. (LAUGHS)

Little Walter White. Baby.

Look at it go!

Look at me. You trust me, right?

Look at my eyes

Look at that 3 D printer go.

Look at that, sweetie.

Look at you. I'm a possum.

Look, look, look

Look, man, we're sorry.

Look, we're friends with both of you.

Look, we're in a nice neighborhood. We want to be good neighbors.

Looks like a fraternity.

Looks like the party shut down.

MAC: (PANTING) Wait. Wait

MAC: Destroyed

MAC: Epic night!

MAC: Half of all of our...

MAC: Here we go. Here we go.

MAC: I hit him, Kelly! Fuck!

MAC: Just go, you answer it. KELLY: You answer it.

MAC: Look, you just take these spy glasses.

MAC: No. No, we're making a Stella calendar.

MAC: Oh, God. She keeps turning... Turn around.

MAC: Oh, no! Oh, fuck!

MAC: Okay, it's happening. It's spontaneous.

MAC: Wait.

MAC: What's that?

MAC: Yeah.

MAC: You look good. It looks okay. I think it's okay.

Mac! Okay.

Mac's working in the morning. We got jobs

Makes sense. Yeah.

Male erection before One Direction.

Man purses before regular purses

Man, literally, the last time we lit those off, we burned the house down

Man, parenting is easy

Mano y mano.

March, march, march, elephants

March!

Mario and Luigi before Thelma & Louise ee.

Masturbate before I ask her to date.

Maybe I have been a ho who's taken down some Bros.

Maybe we come on... We act cool.

Maybe we should clean up and not

Me and Kelly, we have found a way

Me or her, choose. It's up to you. You choose

Me, too, because it's awesome

Mean Dean Doesn't Realize That Frat Is Bad For Everyone.

Meanwhile, back at Delta Psi, our brothers

Michael Keaton is Batman to me.

Milk yourself! Try milking yourself!

Move, elephants! Move! Keep marching.

Much like Scoonie's cock,

My bouncing balls.

My brothers need me.

My claws are out! I'm gonna fucking get them!

My God, Jesus!

My God, Jimmy!

My parents got divorced.

Negligent Parents Allow Baby to Swallow Condom.

Neighborhood doesn't stand for that shit.

Neighbors. Hey. Hi.

Nice! Nice! Great! Awesome, awesome!

Nice! That was good! JIMMY: That was good. That was really good.

Nice! That was good. Nice.

No

No

No 'shrooms for you, mister.

No idea.

No more thing!

No one's gonna stop you.

No way!

No, guys! Hey, hey!

No, I see you guys right there. One moment.

No, I'm not that drunk

No, it's my baby monitor.

No, Jimmy's not here.

No, man. I just mean, like, you're the President, you know?

No, my roommate was. I used to wear his ties to get girls

No, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no!

No, no, no! What? What?

No, no, no! Yeah!

No, no, no. Shit. Shit.

No, no, why? Why? No! What?

No, no!

No, no. There was, but I shut that down.

No, of course not. I'll say it. Like, we'll just...

No, she just makes it.

No, she's the chancellor.

No, this is Ray Romano and... No, this is Ray Romano...

No, we do everything online!

No, we don't. We don't.

No, we'll have a great day! We'll have a great day. Okay. Bye!

No, we're here to tell you to turn it up

No, we've got the baby, so... We've got the baby. We can't

No, you talking to me.

No!

No!

No! Dude, don't ask that.

No! He's telling him everything!

No! Hey, I'm Batman!

No! No, no, no, okay? No!

No! No, no! It's like a wink, you know?

No! No!

No! No!

No! Okay.

No! Teddy!

No.

No.

No. Fuck old people.

No. No

No. She's my...

No. They are.

No. Who looks at the other people when they Face Time?

No. You're not buying a gun.

No...

Not only can we fix the water damage,

Not that surprised

Not your face.

Now I can go to class while my dick prints.

Now I can't stop thinking of them

Now it doesn't. It doesn't work anymore.

Now they got Sex Book and Fuck Friends and...

Now, there is no higher honor in Delta Psi than making it onto the wall.

Of a prestigious lineage of extraordinary gentlemen.

Of all people, that this is a good idea.

Of course. The joint file.

Officer, you know how it is.

Oh, fuck. Oh, God

Oh, God! Oh, my God! That was scary.

Oh, God! Oh, no!

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh, good. Yeah, I'm good, I'm fine

Oh, gross! They look like my grandma's legs.

Oh, hi, baby. MAC: How's it going?

Oh, homie. Wow. Oh, my God.

Oh, I'm gonna come soon.

Oh, I'm sorry. Okay. We still did that.

Oh, it went great. It went great.

Oh, Jesus! (SCREAMS)

Oh, like her mom, I bet.

Oh, my boobs

Oh, my God, homie. It feels so good.

Oh, my God, this is amazing.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Jesus Christ, guys!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. I was so rude to her

Oh, my God. Look at that guy.

Oh, my God. Mmm hmm.

Oh, my God. Shut up, Scoonie.

Oh, my God. Thank you. No problem, man.

Oh, my God. They're like two giant, veiny dicks

Oh, my God. You guys have to come out with me.

Oh, my gosh. This is Anne Hathaway.

Oh, my leg.

Oh, no

Oh, no

Oh, no, Assjuice. Breaking? The guy was right.

Oh, no, no. The monitor is not working.

Oh, no! Oh, no!

Oh, no? I'm a fucking man!

Oh, no.

Oh, oh! Oh!

Oh, perfect! Great.

Oh, she just scrunched her little nose!

Oh, she's awake. Really?

Oh, shit!

Oh, shit!

Oh, shit!

Oh, shit!

Oh, shit!

Oh, shit! Oh, no!

Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Oh!

Oh, shit! That's not a balloon!

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit. Teddy just tweeted.

Oh, shit. They're right there. (KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Oh, that's so sweet. No one ever knows she's a girl

Oh, the university might be interested.

Oh, there he is.

Oh, yeah!

Oh, yeah! Magic mushrooms!

Oh, yeah? Well, that's ludicrous,

Oh, you don't know who I'm talking about?

Oh! Fuck!

Oh! I'm sorry. Okay.

Oh! Mrs. Haywood, you're better than that.

Oh! Oh! God damn it! Kelly!

Oh?

Oh? Huh?

Okay

Okay, call me after. Call me soon.

Okay, distraction. What? What do we do?

Okay, enough! Stop imitating!

Okay, fuck me!

Okay, here we go.

Okay, I cried wolf. Never call us again.

Okay, I got it.

Okay, I'm not even close.

Okay, Kevin, I don't think we're a good team anymore.

Okay, let me call my mom. She'll tell us what to do right now

Okay, let's do it. Okay?

Okay, let's go. We'll go now.

Okay, let's just relax for a second.

Okay, okay, we fucking get it! I get it. I get it

Okay, okay! Come on!

Okay, okay. I'm winning, by the way.

Okay, Teddy's fucking Brooke, but Brooke wants to fuck Pete.

Okay, thanks, man. Dope. Cool.

Okay, too soon. Way too soon.

Okay, we'll get that milk out. Get the pump. Ow!

Okay, well, on that note,

Okay, yeah!

Okay, yeah.

Okay, you guys can come in.

Okay, you know what? Let's end this.

Okay, you're right. It's just a limp dick

Okay! Let's do it.

Okay? It's done.

Okay? Just push back

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. All right.

Okay. Are you ready?

Okay. Bye. Love you.

Okay. Ha ha

Okay. I'm in.

Okay. I'm serious.

Okay. It's happening. It's totally happening.

Okay. No.

Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay.

Okay. Ow! Fuck!

Okay. Smack me.

Okay. There you go. Love you, sweetie. Okay.

Okay. This is crazy!

Okay. Uh... Well, bye.

Okay. Yeah, for sure. Yeah

Okay. Yeah. Yeah, okay.

Okey dokey.

Okey dokey.

Old man. Oh, my nuts!

Old people don't fuck like we just did.

Old people?

One big difference, the heist isn't done!

One more, one more, one more.

One Sec!

One, two, three?

Only thing, if you sell to the university,

Ooh!

Otherwise, this plan won't work

Our first official meeting in the new house to order

Our probation's been lifted!

Our probation's been lifted! Our probation's been lifted!

Our rooms are, like, 10 feet away from each other.

Our school's insignia is in Latin.

Ow!

Ow!

Ow! (SOBBING)

Party's over! Dirty Santa, let's go!

PAU LA: Hey, guys!

Paula, flirt with Scoonie. Keep him talking and distracted.

Peace, ****a.

Peekaboo! BOYS: Oh!

People have hot boxed showers.

Pete, do you want to tell us about your first summer as a Delta?

PETE: Get the hell out of here.

PETE: I hope we can build a great future together.

PETE: It's like Edward Scissorhands

PETE: Upstairs clear!

PETE: What's the lesson?

Pete's a fancy architect, designing buildings and stuff.

Play a little ping pong of their own.

Please stop.

Porta Potties. Private planes.

Pretty fat file. It's dank.

Pudgie, what do you got there?

Real estate is a fickle bitch.

Really

Really? What did you think?

Really? Yeah, man

Regardless of anything, we're brothers for life.

Right there

Right there.

Right? What the fuck?

Roll them a spliff. Give that to them.

ROMIE: Right, right. So let's take a few calls.

ROMIE: What's up, Nutsack?

Sagging all over the place! It'll be like this.

Scent of a Woman.

Scoonie put his dick in your mouth

SCOONIE: Ladies, I need a single file line.

Scoonie. Not now

Sebastian knows he has to throw up, but he wants to keep partying.

See you guys around.

See you guys.

See you guys.

See, we missed out on the whole, kind of,

Seems like an impossible feat.

Sex Tech bubble, you know what I mean?

Shaggy, Scooby, Jizzface, let's investigate!

Shalom, Mac.

She leaves a wife beater on.

She puts them on her tits?

She sees shapes fucking each other, is what she sees. She can...

She wants your necklace. Give me your necklace. Now, go pump.

She won't even let me see them, is what's fucked up.

She's a little meth head.

She's awake. Okay

She's excited to see you.

She's fine. She's fine

She's Heisenberg. She's Walter White.

She's not named Dean. That's her job.

She's on the fast road to her first word being cunt

Shit, he's still talking.

Shit, homie, we've been beefing for too long.

Shit, they're hootie hooing!

Shit!

Shit!

Shut the fuck up!

Shut the fuck up.

Sixty nine?

Sixty nine? There's three numbers!

Slow down.

So cute.

So gross!

So gross! Ew!

So I tried to Bro out with you?

So long, neighbor

So many party discoveries.

So many party inventions.

So the water came out of here? Yep.

So we can both just kill each other.

So weird.

So you guys have never hooked up?

So, are we cool with what happened last night?

So, at least it looks like it

So, how did you meet Teddy?

So, how'd the meeting go?

So, is it our posture? Why do we look so different?

So, they have one strike. If they get two more, then they're out.

So, what it's gonna be next? They're gonna break into the house?

So, you have a nice day.

So, you're the little princess.

So? So?

Sold!

Somebody call 911!

Sometime soon. I'll just... I'll get back to you.

Sorry. It hurts.

Sports before genital warts... No, fuckin'. That's bad.

Stand here with our dicks in our hands.

Stay the fuck away from me!

Stay!

Step one, lock down a babysitter.

Stop it!

Stop it. I know

Stop standing around! Let's go!

Stop the dumb guy from doing dumb shit!

Strike three. Yes!

Suck my dick!

Suck my dick.

Sure!

Sweet. Yeah.

T Bone, Gerbil, Jizzface, let's get the fuck out of here! Let's go!

Take it sleazy.

Teddy is gonna graduate this year

Teddy, how much time we got?

TEDDY: Guys!

TEDDY: Hey, neighbor.

TEDDY: This is it.

TEDDY: Welcome to Abercrombie.

TEDDY: What's up? (WHOOPING)

TEDDY: You shouldn't have called the cops, Bro!

Teddy's dead! Pete's dead! Scoonie's dead!

Teddy's gonna start pushing you around

Teddy's room. We got to sneak into Teddy's room.

Telling you to come to a great party

Ten times

Thank you for coming. Okay.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thanks for missing our meeting, Mr. VP.

Thanks for talking to me, brother. All right?

That are a little more academically inclined.

That blonde dude with the red sleeves? He's a handsome guy.

That dude forgot the golden rule.

That guy's the sexiest guy I've ever seen.

That I'm gonna change who I am.

That in this neighborhood, we don't keep off the grass.

That it is so hard to convince you,

That means they know the cops are coming.

That was a cheesy one.

That was good

That was good. That was sexy, too.

That was incredible!

That was sexy

That was so much worse than I thought.

That was udder ly traumatic.

That was, like, a distraction so they couldn't see what was going on.

That would be... That would be fucking... That would be trill.

That'll solve all our problems.

That's a beautiful thing

That's a big bong.

That's a good headline. I could get a raise off that headline

That's a little patronizing.

That's a weird phone!

That's all my weed, and it's really hard for me to get weed.

That's all we wanted

That's amazing.

That's awesome.

That's awesome.

That's disgusting! Exactly!

That's from Zero Dark Thirty.

That's great. Okay, okay. We did it.

That's not only offensive, but it's fucking stupid.

That's not what you would do.

That's really responsible of you guys.

That's the best name ever. Are you kidding?

That's the song. How could they know that's happening?

That's two strikes.

That's why you got to go.

The asset's gone rogue

The baby drop

The old people have the upper hand

The only way to break it apart is to get in there,

The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides...

The point is..

The problem is that they're on probation.

The question is, do you want to party?

The rest will take care of itself

The toga party is born!

The US plays Red China in ping pong.

The year is 1971. (19703 ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

The year is 1985!

Their dicks bought a hot tub? My dick couldn't buy a hot tub.

Then Teddy is gonna want to kill Pete

Then we seem cool. They're thinking..

Then we're gonna go to Mommy and Me

There are the girls. KELLY: Hi.

There is a giant party at 2203 West Olmstead right now.

There is no President of the United Nations.

There will be no cutting in this line,

There you go

There'll be food, blankets. It's gonna be great.

There's a gay couple. Gay couple.

There's a moving truck. Wow.

There's a rumor that Prince might perform.

There's gonna be hundreds and thousands of Teddys living next door to you for all time.

There's no consistency here.

There's no normal way to milk a human woman.

There's this thing called Grindr, which is just...

There's three left!

These glasses, there's a camera in them.

They are dangerous to the neighborhood!

They are sending the cops.

They can't tell it's us.

They dehumanized you.

They do our dirty work for us.

They don't know it was us. Could've been anyone.

They don't know who they are fucking with.

They look totally like normal glasses

They make these little strips that test your tit milk for alcohol

They need to be cool to us, okay? Yeah, yeah.

They rhymed! What the hell was that?

They say it tastes good to the baby. It tastes funny to me.

They seem like a nice couple. They're so happy.

They think I'm just a regular dad

They were at the party with us just last night

They won't stop partying!

They'll listen to us if they think we're cool, you know?

They'll want us to like them. Yeah.

They're actually really good. They taste like vanilla, kinda.

They're all great. They got a big house off campus.

They're barbecuing.

They're broke. They don't have any money.

They're gonna be loud, obviously.

They're gonna condemn the house

They're gonna wake Stella. What do we...

They're never gonna do anything ridiculous,

They're old and lame.

They're so loud.

They're still fucking there! There's beer cans on the lawn

They're yelling and fighting. The ringleader's name is Scoonie.

They've been drinking since the butt crack of dawn.

They've hot boxed cars.

Think about what they've done to you

This could be us in a few years.

This could be, like, a doorway to

This entire time, your daughter is gonna be growing up

This evening at 2203 West Olmstead.

This is all my fault.

This is an abomination.

This is delightful. This is awesome, this thing.

This is fucking ridiculous

This is gonna be the best calendar yet.

This is in *******!

This is like Christmas. Oh!

This is Mark Wahlberg. If you don't come to this party,

This is my room. Off limits during parties.

This is Nutsack calling over from Delta Psi.

This is on me. I took it too far.

This is our home! It's our home!

This is our little cub on our lawn with a condom in her mouth.

This is President Barack Obama,

This is ridiculous.

This is safer than the White House!

This is so spontaneous

This is strike three. This is crazy

This is the creed of our fraternity.

This is the life, the way, the light of Delta Psi.

This is the moment! I need this!

This is the only party I want to be at

This is turning me on. I don't like it.

This is where we keep all the important shit

This is who I am.

This is your destiny, Assjuice.

This isn't a strike! It's not a strike if everyone's leaving!

This isn't about me. Okay.

This stuff is important.

This worked before we had Stella, but..

This... Who saw this coming? I did not see this coming.

Those guys are my brothers.

Those things are always fucking disappearing.

Throw shit off the porch!

Thumbsucker! Let me see the letter from the school, man!

To believe in the life of love...

To live next to a frat house is a frat house.

To serve in the light of truth

Tomorrow night, party's on.

Totally, we be cool. We take them a joint.

Travel back in time with me to 1930.

Try living next to it. Try living next to it!

Two left! (JIMMY GROANING)

Two! (SHRIEKS)

Um... I'll take a Teddy. Cool

Very good.

Very sorry about this.

Victory.

Wait, wait. Hey.

Wait. Hold on.

Wait. If we're bringing the swing, let's just bring the Jumperoo.

Wait. Shit! Diaper bag! It needs to be restocked

Wait. Wait, wait, wait!

Wait. Wait. Wait.

Wait. You guys shaved?

Want to find, and I'll go find a real man.

Watching all these young, shirtless men next door,

WATKINS: Well, it looks like you guys were partying with him.

WATKINS: Yo, is there a party going on around here?

We actually met in college. Yeah.

We all have dignity! Yes, Assjuice, yes!

We are back. It's happening. Okay.

We are Delta Psi Beta.

We are fucked, man.

We are going to fuck them! Fuck them!

We are the family you get to choose, and we don't get divorced!

We are.

We called you five times, you didn't answer us.

We can't be the only people in the neighborhood

We can't both be Kevin James

We can't do that.

We can't leave her at the..

We can't lose half

We could lead a revolution

We couldn't have planned it better.

We did it. (IMITATES EXPLOSION)

We did it. We did it

We didn't kill anyone. We didn't kill anyone

We do, it's working.

We don't need that! What is that?

We fuck with their house. They can't afford to fix it.

We fucking did it.

We got to get everybody...

We got to get everyone out of here!

We got to get him out of there! Distraction.

We gotta save this. What do we do? Okay, okay, okay.

We hate to be these guys, but do you mind just, like, kind of..

We have a little baby. We have a baby.

We have caller ID. We're cops.

We have excellent facilities that, like, no one uses.

We have neighbors, for Christ's sake!

We have no blood on our hands.

We have room. I think we have room.

We have to go work on that joint file.

We have wanted this since we were freshmen.

We just said it at the same time!

We just want to squash this like a bug.

We love you. We love you.

We made a baby. Things have changed. Everything has changed.

We missed it.

We need all that equipment you bought to spy on Paula.

We need to fucking tell them not to do that. Right now

We promise. Thank you so much, guys.

We put all of our money in. This is all of our money.

We said some shit that rhymed? Are you crazy, man?

We should blaze through it, probably. Yeah.

We should call the police.

We should get the cooler.

We should go mom tipping later.

We should go over there, okay? And talk to them.

We still did that.

We went nuts

We were fucking virgins. All right?

We were pissing. We crossed streams.

We will get our faces on that wall,

We'll put it on the books. Okay, cool. Great.

We're a family.

We're a great team.

We're about to be, like, adults now.

We're actually looking for candidates

We're at Burning Man!

We're back. We're back in business.

We're celebrating.

We're cool, they shut up, she goes to sleep. Done.

We're dead?

We're gonna finish that. We will finish that.

We're gonna fucking fuck them! Fuck them!

We're gonna have to call the cops.

We're gonna make them put hos before Bros.

We're having a huge rager tonight.

We're hip. Oh, they're like us.

We're innocents. We're innocents in all this.

We're just getting dressed! I'm naked!

We're just trying to get to sleep.

We're mid fucking heist, genius!

We're okay. Cool.

We're on a mission.

We're on probation. We can't party.

We're sorry we called the cops, okay?

We're still cool, man. We're still cool. We're sorry.

We're supposed to have boners?

We're trying to talk to you

We've been thinking

We've got to get in there, we gotta infiltrate.

We've got to save..

We've gotta get Brooke to hook up with Pete publicly

We've gotta get everyone on our side.

We've only got a few minutes before they go upstairs and start fucking.

Welcome to Abercrombie & Fitch. Can we take your order?

Welcome to Abercrombie & Fitch. How you doing?

Welcome to paradise.

Welcome to the lion's den, my friend.

Well played, motherfuckers.

Well played. What the fuck?

Well then, what do you call these?

Well, Garfield.

Well, I mean, if you guys ever need anything,

Well, it's still really good to see you, man.

Well, just because I'm a father,

Well, listen, the way I do my job is,

Well, maybe you should be. That's never been me.

Well, my parents love each other, and I think it's hilarious.

Well, that's crazy

Well, why don't you go fuck my girlfriend again?

What a twist. Oh, yeah. Okay.

What about one of those small prostitute guns?

What are you doing in your Jumperoo?

What are you doing?

What are you doing? He's looking at us

What are you doing? I'm sneaking.

What are you doing? We have 60 seconds before they go upstairs.

What are you guys doing out here?

What are you talking about? That's not how it works

What are you thinking about?

What are you, like, having a baby,

What are you..

What can we do? That fucking Dean.

What did you just say to me?

What didn't we have in college?

What do I do?

What do I do? Do I get to do something?

What do they call it in Australia? Chancellor

What do we do? Okay, okay. I know what we do.

What do we do? What do we do? What do we do?

What do we got?

What do you got there, sweetie?

What do you guys do?

What do you think of my new necklace?

What do you want? It's over. Yeah.

What does he do? Does he puke, or does he drink?

What does that mean?

What is she doing here? Wait. What is he doing here?

What is this?

What is this? Is this our flyer?

What is this? What are they doing?

What it is, y'all

What other stupid number combinations are there?

What should we do next?

What the fuck am I supposed to think?

What the fuck are y'all looking at?

What the fuck are you doing? That's the wrong Sam Jackson speech!

What the fuck are you looking at?

What the fuck are you talking about?

What the fuck are you talking about?

What the fuck is gonna happen?

What the fuck is wrong with you, man? What the...

What the fuck is wrong with you, man? Why did you do that?

What the fuck, man?

What the fuck?

What the fuck?

What the fuck?

What the fuck?

What the fuck?

What the fuck? Damn it!

What the fuck? Oh, my God!

What the heck are you guys doing here? Where's Pete?

What the hell, Bro?

What thing? What's going on?

What up, man? How's it going?

What up, Teddy?

What was that?

What woman is named Dean?

What, is she gonna reimburse us for those kegs?

What?

What?

What?

What? No.

What? Of course she is, because you're a little princess.

What? They're fucking hootie hooing.

What? We're not off probation!

What? What?

What? When we have sex,

What? Yeah.

What? You know what I'm saying?

What'd you say? It's not a good headline

What's going on, Gary?

What's going on? And who's this little lady?

What's happening?

What's her name?

What's lame? What's going on?

What's the plan? Okay, okay.

What's this, a dance off?

What's up?

What's up?

What's up? You good?

What's your GPA?

When Khaleesi comes on, I'm like... (BOTH YELLING)

Where did you get that?

Where did you get that?

Where you going?

While you were sleeping, bitch!

Who are sick of this bullshit, you know.

Who cares?

Who do you think... Come on. Oh, my God.

Who is Ray Romano?

Who knows what we'll be doing in 10 minutes?

Who makes flyers anymore?

Who painted that mole on your face? Did you do that yourself?

Who still has waterbeds?

Who the fuck says that to a couple of parents?

Who's my little Heisenberg? You are!

Whoa.

Whoa. Hey, man, buy him dinner first

Whoa. Wait. Wait.

Whoo!

Whoo!

Why are we doing this? Didn't we already win? Remember?

Why are you guys not coming out? Is fucking Jimmy there? Jimmy?

Why are you so calm?

Why do you have pubes?

Why don't I stick something up your ass?

Why don't you drop it at the fire station?

Why is she... Okay.

Why not do both?

Why the fuck do you keep fighting?

Why would you do that?

Why? Because your Bros are always there for you.

Wicca wazzup?

With that old couple next door, all right?

Would you be my surrogate, Kelly?

Wow! Good job, man

Wow. Man, you should go to class sometime.

Wow. Whoa.

Yeah

Yeah, again, if you can just generally

Yeah, because someone refuses to grow up.

Yeah, but see, that's my fucking point! You know shit like that, man!

Yeah, dope, dope. Cool. It was a good time

Yeah, dude. My Bros is always stealing my paddies.

Yeah, fuck them! Fuck them!

Yeah, glad you made it. Whoa, whoa!

Yeah, have a good one. Try not to die.

Yeah, I know. But they're our neighbors.

Yeah, I'm bored, too

Yeah, I'm good, man

Yeah, I'm ready. Are you ready, huh?

Yeah, it's a really bad one.

Yeah, it's fucked up.

Yeah, like, every night.

Yeah, man.

Yeah, man. Yeah.

Yeah, she puts them on her tits. Her tits are huge right now.

Yeah, suck it! Suck my dick.

Yeah, take a bow

Yeah, that's really funny.

Yeah, they got big Greek letters.

Yeah, this is amazing.

Yeah, try to keep it down.

Yeah, we got six months left.

Yeah, we gotta file that for the THC Corporation.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, just a tiny bit.

Yeah, you're like the relaxed fit jean guy.

Yeah!

Yeah! (GRUNTS IN RELIEF)

Yeah?

Yeah?

Yeah? Holy shit!

Yeah? Right?

Yeah? Right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. Are you a Delta?

Yeah. Great

Yeah. I'm the relaxed fit jeans.

Yeah. It's crazy.

Yeah. Nobody wants a limp dildo

Yeah. Right?

Yeah. There wasn't anything behind it

Yeah. We be cool

Yeah. We're fucked, man.

Yeah. We're gonna get these guys.

Yeah. What's going on?

Yeah. What's happening?

Yes, I did. Yes, I did, Focker.

Yes, I want to see something amazing.

Yes, it's offensive that I have to be the smart one all the time!

Yes, ma'am. I was just kidding.

Yes, sir

Yes, that felt good!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes! Come on, Delta Psi!

Yes! Come on.

Yes! Hazing scandals!

Yes! Yeah!

Yes! Yes!

Yes?

Yo, cops be robbing ****az blind With the dollars...

Yo, guys! Music check!

YOLO!

You answer! You are gonna answer

You are not getting through this door.

You are the only one of our friends that has a house and a kid.

You better eat this fucking dog food, now!

You better put that in the recycling bin.

You called about your neighbors?

You called us

You can always come to me with this kind of stuff, all right?

You can go. No noise complaint.

You can't tell anyone I showed you this. Okay, baby?

You could be President of the United Nations.

You did it. See? (LAUGHS)

You do it. You do it. You do it.

You don't have a choice!

You don't know that. People could want it for after.

You don't seem old.

You don't think I was clearly trying to mask how I really felt,

You don't want a baby. Oh, I do.

You don't want us to come back in.

You get the fuck out of here.

You go find your nagging wife that you

You go up to my room.

You got nothing to worry about, officer.

You guys are doing a joint file?

You guys are so cute together.

You guys don't get it.

You guys have gotta relax.

You guys just crossed the fucking line. You're dead.

You had sex with my girlfriend!

You have the baby monitor right there.

You have? That is messed up.

You here to ask us to turn the music down?

You interested in working for AT&T?

You know that I'm not like that, and I've never been like that.

You know the boy who cried wolf?

You know what brings people to a party more than anything?

You know what? I just thought of another headline

You know what? She needs an extra Onesie in case she craps herself.

You know what? That's it

You know what? While I'm here...

You know, I was just thinking,

You know, I'm always thinking about the headlines, right?

You made a promise to me last night.

You make the store more approachable.

You party pretty heavy.

You really want us to keep it down?

You seem distraught?

You should look, you can see her

You should take responsibility

You should've said it before you let me answer.

You sure about that? She can start drinking soon.

You tell me. I think it's a dance off.

You used so much tongue!

You want to swordfight?

You wear them into the frat house.

You won. There's nothing else.

You, too, Deadwood. There you go.

You... Right now, both of you have to make a choice right now.

You'd be surprised, I actually meet a shit ton of girls here.

You're a bad boy! Get off our porch

You're a little...

You're all over the place with your references.

You're blushing.

You're divorced.

You're in so much fucking trouble. Come with me, pledge.

You're never gonna forget this!

You're not even looking at us, are you?

You're not taking the heat for this.

You're not trying to get rid of me, are you?

You're on probation until the end of the year.

You're on Teddy patrol. Keep him close.

You're really villaining out in here.

You're so cute. You're like a little possum.

You're the goomah in this situation.

You're the smartest person I know.

You're the VP, man.

You're trying to be my friend? Yes!

You're upsetting Jinxy cat.

You're, like, 10 feet away. Come on

You've been a bad boy. I'm gonna spank you.

Your body basically looks like a giant arrow

Your dick could buy more than a hot tub. Your dick bought me.

Your phone beeps when there's someone horny near you.

10 4.

'Woof, woof, woof!'

((GROANS) Delta Psi this shit!

(1980s POP MUSIC PLAYING) Sebastian Cremmington and his brothers

(19305 MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALL CHATTERING EXCITEDLY)

(ALL CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

(ALL CHEERING)

(ALL CHEERING)

(ALL CHEERING)

(ALL CHEERING)

(ALL CHEERING)

(ALL CHEERING)

(ALL CHEERING)

(ALL CHEERING)

(ALL CONTINUE IMITATING DANCE MUSIC)

(ALL IMITATING DANCE MUSIC)

(ALL LAUGHING)

(ALL PROTESTING)

(ALL SHOUTING) Okay, very good.

(BABBLES)

(BABBLING) Huh?

(BOTH EXHALE)

(BOTH GROANING) (MUSIC PLAYING IN DISTANCE)

(BOTH IMITATING EXPLOSIONS)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(BOTH ROARING)

(BOTH SCREAMING)

(BOTH SIGHING)

(BOTH YAWNING)

(BOTTLES SHATTERING)

(BROOKE MOANING)

(CAR ALARM BLARING) This party is getting out of control.

(CELL PHONE RINGING) BOTH: Oh!

(CHEERING CONTINUES)

(CHEERING CONTINUES)

(CHEERING) And outdoor speakers!

(CHUCKLES) Yes. I'm gonna kill you.

(CHUCKLING)

(CLEARS THROAT) (WHISTLES)

(COMPUTER RINGING) Oh...

(CONTINUES MOANING)

(CREAKING)

(CROWD GASPING)

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

(DOOR CLOSES)

(EXCLAIMING IN SHOCK)

(GASPS) Draw yourself a bath?

(GROANING)

(GROANING)

(GROANING) (GRUNTING)

(GROANS)

(GROANS)

(GRUNTING)

(HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

(HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

(HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

(HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

(HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

(HISSING) Fuck these fucking guys!

(IMITATING BALE AS BATMAN) Where is she?

(IN BRITISH ACCENT) I will take the gentleman's route out and call it a day,

(IN NORMAL ACCENT) That's how adults do it.

(IN RASPY VOICE) Hey, I'm Batman.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

(INHALING DEEPLY)

(JIMMY GROANING)

(JIMMY GROANING)

(JIMMY SCREAMING)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING) Hey, too soon.

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS) Kidding.

(LAUGHS) Michael Keaton's Batman was like,

(MOANING) This is amazing.

(MONITOR BEEPING)

(MOUTHING)

(MUFFLED) Love you.

(MURMURING) Are you fucking kidding me?

(ON RADIO) We're back on the air with Dirty Boy.

(OVERLAPPING CONVERSATIONS)

(PANTING)

(PANTING) Oh, jeez, it's so far.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING EXCITEDLY)

(PEOPLE SCREAMING) (TIRES SCREECHING)

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMS)

(SCREAMS) Oh, fuck!

(SCREAMS) What the fuck? Ew!

(SIREN WAILING)

(SIRENS WAILING) You got a bright future, kid.

(SQUEAKS)

(STELLA CRYING ON BABY MONITOR)

(TEDDY CONTINUES SCREAMING)

(WHOOPING)

(WHOOPING)

(YELLING IN DELIGHT)

(YELLS)