Neighbors (2014) Edit

A ho has never gone before a Bro.

A whole new life, where we have it all.

Ahhh!

Airbags? Yeah.

All right.

All right. All right. Nice.

All right. Hey.

All right. I'm down. Little chicken. Come on!

ALL: Aw!

And Brendan.

And everything's gonna be fine.

And I am really starting to feel it right now. Yeah.

And I get really excited when I smell freshly ground coffee.

And Juan.

And now you're talking back.

And Romie the Homie.

And that she was better than all the other hos in the world.

And the girls, when you're dating...

And they were reprimanded for that.

And we're gonna be watching right back.

And what happened? I cried.

And where did you go? Right here.

And you keep making money no matter what!

And you told her that she was the only ho for you,

And you're the woman who's supposed to

And your little princess over for a play date.

Are they really? But I can't touch them.

Are you kidding me?

Are you okay, man? You seem distraught.

Are you talking to me?

Are you talking to me? Are you talking to me?

ASSJUICE: I'm scared. You're scared?

ASSJUICE: It's on the side.

ASSJUICE: Your neighbors got me to wear them,

Assjuice.

At that moment, you just push back.

Baby, we're a hot team.

Baby? Baby?

Baby's first rave. Baby's first rave.

Because they're watching themselves.

Because we are in the weeds.

Beef stew before watching The View.

Behold.

Bitch. Oh, my God.

Boobs upside down!

BOYS: Bye, Stella!

BOYS: Yeah. What is it?

Bring it in for the real thing.

Bring Stella! You can bring kids! Bring Stella!

Bros before hos.

Bros before hos.

But I think you're freaking out

But it won't.

But then I realized that we are the party.

But this is no place for a baby.

But you know what? You hear that?

Can I stick something up your ass?

Christ! What the fuck?

Christian Bale? Christian Bale.

Cool, cool. How is that?

Cops are here.

Delta Psi forever, ya bish.

Dicks in our hands.

Do it again. Do it normal. Yeah. Like...

Do not call your mother!

Do you guys want to come in?

Do you still like me? I miss you. I love you.

Doesn't mean that we're old people.

Don't be so fucking lame! Totally lame.

Don't cry.

Don't slap my boob.

Don't worry about it. I'm gonna enjoy this.

Dope. PETE: Cool.

ELECTRONIC VOICE: Penis completed.

Everybody breaks.

Fraternity Keeps Couple Awake?

Fraternity Practices Safe Sex.

Fraternity Severely Injures Economics Professor.

Fuck this bush!

Fuck!

Fucking tired. I miss my mom.

Fuse box. We'll turn the party back on.

FYI, we're gonna do it in every room.

Get out!

Get this one taken care of.

Good. Good, then.

Great night!

Has HIV.

Haze me. Say it.

Hazing scandals! Yes!

He looks like J.J. Abrams.

He's doing it. He's doing it.

He's right there! He's right there!

Hello? Hey!

Hello.

Hey, I'm Batman. You know? Right?

Hey, neighbor.

Hey, slow down!

Hey, there he is.

Hey, what's up, man?

Hey, you guys don't want to go back to your

Hey. Hello.

Hey. Hi.

Hey. Mac!

Holy fuck.

Holy shit. That was close.

How are we supposed to stand on the shoulders of giants?

How do you turn these off?

How much of you is traumatized? 2%? 1%?

I also got some ranch dipping sauce.

I am not an elephant!

I brought it into bed with us.

I can't do it. Don't yell, just try to...

I can't...

I can't...

I didn't have any money.

I don't know about that. Let's just...

I don't know where you went to school.

I don't know. At some job fair or some shit.

I don't see which one you're...

I feel completely comfortable missing that party. Okay.

I fucking love you, man. Get out of here.

I had no money either. We had no money.

I hate Mondays!

I kind of miss the rush of messing with the frat.

I know the Spanish department is looking for a new building.

I know!

I like to have fun with it.

I love lasagna!

I love you, baby.

I love you, I'm sorry.

I love you.

I love you. I love you.

I mean, no, we can't. We couldn't possibly.

I mean, you've always been, in my opinion, like, our strongest pledge,

I milked you.

I really appreciate you guys coming by.

I think I better pump.

I think I like old people shit better than young people shit now.

I think I should probably pump.

I think we'll be good at it and bad at it.

I thought that was her name. No.

I want a tomato garden. How's that?

I was just kidding, anyway.

I was only supposed to stay a semester,

I was so stupid.

I'll go tell them to shh!

I'll tell you how.

I'm a human man! I have dignity!

I'm fucking scared, man. I'm tired all the time.

I'm gonna move back to Australia if you don't stop.

I'm gonna pull this thing off.

I'm just disappointed.

I'm saying, that's the only way.

I'm so sorry, man.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

I'm so tired.

I'm sorry, guys. He's too good of a dude.

I'm taking you to Boner Town, love. Okay.

I'm Teddy. This is Pete.

I'm the opposite of the person you say that to.

I've gone through hell.

If we're cool with them now, they'll be cool with us.

Infinite. Infinite.

Is that a balloon?

Is that how people fight now? What are they doing?

Is that it looks like every penny we have is inside of it.

It could be anywhere!

It doesn't mean anything if you don't earn it.

It feels so good, homie. What are you doing later?

It smells like lemongrass.

It was really dumb. I love you so much, okay?

It would be great to have you and Kelly

It'd be so fun.

It'll all get caught on this camera.

It's 4:00 in the morning, our baby's awake. She's freaking out.

It's a bad one.

It's a bad one.

It's a joke? That's a joke!

It's a pretty good gig. Yeah.

It's a really romantic story.

It's all made up.

It's awesome!

It's because of the Hebrew.

It's fine. We're divorced.

It's gone mushy. Thank you, sire.

It's gonna be really boring

It's like a gun show.

It's like a White Russian. Lay down, sweetie.

It's like, I make...

It's nice.

It's open. It's open.

It's over.

It's poison. It's alcohol.

It's victory.

Jimmy fuckin' Blevitz.

Jimmy, isolate Whitney.

JIMMY: You're an animal. They called you Assjuice.

John Madden before...

Just ease up.

Just gone. Yeah.

Just keep it down. Low.

Just like, you know, If you could just keep it down.

KELLY: Look at his arms.

KELLY: That's our baby.

Kelly!

Lame.

Later! See you, guys.

Let me turn her around. Let me turn her around.

Let's fill it with dreams.

Life's crazy.

Like I've seen him do a million times.

Lock the door, draw yourself a bath. Relax.

Look at her.

Look at how much food I just ordered.

Look at the blonde.

Love you. Bye. Have a good day.

MAC: Hey!

MAC: Holy shit.

MAC: Yes. KELLY: Yes.

Mac!

Me, too.

Me, too.

Me, too.

Milk me. What?

Mmm hmm.

Mmm!

Moo ood.

Moving truck. Moving truck. (HORN HONKING)

My boobs are feeling really full.

My boobs really hurt.

My boss just invited us for a play date,

Never call you again? You're the fucking police.

Nice, okay. Good to see you, dude.

Nice!

Nice. He's gone.

No, dude, no. I'm Batman. This is what Batman sounds like.

No, I was stupid. I'm really, really sorry.

No, I'm counting on it. I'm Batman.

No, I'm not. You are.

No, no, clearly you had more important things to do.

No, no, no.

No, not tonight. Not tonight.

No, we're done with that, Bro.

No. No.

No. Yeah.

No...

Now is when we get them back even more.

Oh, God, I can't keep my boner much longer.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh, homie, let's do it. Oh, God, homie.

Oh, I'm Sam Jackson, you know, from Jackie Brown.

Oh, it's the best!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God. I'm a mama bear.

Oh, no.

Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

Oh, they're Hulking out! They're gonna blow.

Oh.

Oh. Yeah.

Okay, good. I love you. Okay.

Okay, maybe it's best you just go.

Okay, okay, okay. Okay, let's do it.

Okay, watch. I'm just gonna do it like this.

Okay, yes.

Okay!

Okay? You so much as throw a party,

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. I'll tell you what.

Okay. It does.

Okay. Mac...

Okay. My friend is spinning at the Royalton tonight.

Okay. Okay.

One of those childs is having sex with your wife.

One of us has got to be the adult in this relationship.

Or we get too noisy, just talk to me, or talk to Pete.

Our names are not Fuckhead, or Jizzface, or Lea Michele.

Out of control.

Part of our life is just totally over.

PETE: Mmm.

Please don't put us on probation.

Pointing right towards your dick.

****!

Ready?

Ready? Yeah.

Right? Ooh! We roll them a joint.

Say it! Come on! Say it, Teddy.

See you, brother.

She knows what's happening.

She totally knows what's happening.

She's a little flirt.

She's all ready to go.

She's fine. She just sees shapes.

She's so crazy.

She's so sweet.

She's still behind you.

She's totally fucking looking at us.

Shit. Don't hit me.

Shit. That's a bummer. Mmm hmm.

Should be pretty fucking loud.

So the fraternity would get dissolved.

So they could film you hazing us,

So, Duke Lacrosse Team ****s Stripper. Bad headline.

So, fuck you.

So, we're calling. It's too loud.

Sorry, man. Sorry my ball just got in your face.

Sorry.

Stella. Stella, yeah.

Stop hitting me. MAC: That's so stupid!

Super quick tour.

Teddy... One.

Tell 'em, Teddy.

That could have been two strikes, right there.

That I ate a whole pot brownie before coming in here

That is kind of lame, but also kind of meaningless, right?

That was a little weird. I'm fading a little bit.

That was not helpful.

That was very immature!

That we will find a way to right this wrong.

That would be a fucking disaster. Oh, Jesus.

That would be so dope.

That's a joke photo!

That's AI Pacino. That's not even... Yeah.

That's awesome! Dream!

That's not really even a headline.

That's right, Pete. Walk away.

That's so weird. Is anything else missing?

That's the best idea.

That's what you get.

The condom was unused.

The music?

The team is breaking up. Yep.

Then we say, By the way, keep it down.

There he is. Hey!

There you go.

There's a clear focus going on here.

There's alcohol in there.

There's booze in your boobs. There's booze in your boobs.

They can make our lives a living hell. We need them on our side.

They got Brother Pete to hook up with Sister Brooke.

They have got your back after your ho rips your heart out.

They treated you like shit. They degraded you.

They're awesome.

They're buying off the whole neighborhood with their slave army.

This is gonna ruin us.

This is like The Brady Bunch.

This is the moment. Let's do it. Okay. I need to go out!

This never happened.

This year is going to be legendary.

Those are for you.

To give the frat their last strike.

Uh oh. Uh oh. Uh oh.

Uh uh. I wasn't asleep.

Wait. Shit! Another video.

Wait. Wait, no! Wait!

Walkie talkies and earpieces and shit. Oh, my God.

WATKINS: Hello, are you Mac?

We appreciate that, man.

We are gonna end the year with the most legendary rager of all time.

We are not high fiving.

We are not moving.

We call the cops? Yes.

We can finally go back to our lives.

We come on like peers. Yeah. Yes.

We did it!

We did it.

We did it. We fucking did it.

We did not go too far.

We don't have a babysitter, so... Yeah.

We fell asleep. Let's go. Let's go.

We fucking did that shit.

We gotta go, okay? KELLY: We gotta go.

We have a baby. We're parents.

We have a joint file together.

We have a very strict three strike policy at this school.

We have fun and a baby. That's fantastic!

We never planned for nice.

We should get one of these above our bed.

We shouldn't be in trouble. We haven't done anything wrong.

We totally did it.

We tried to call you. I don't know what to say.

We went too far now. This is dangerous.

We'll give you $1,000.

We'll have a third person to help us do this.

We'll never not be responsible for someone until we're so, so old.

We'll take care of it. Same with us.

We're a giant telecommunications corporation.

We're a great team. Thanks.

We're doing this on the dining room...

We're gonna seem so lame.

We're good? Yeah.

We're having sex one minute...

We're just getting started.

We're not gonna end up on this thing.

We're not gonna get caught for this.

We're throwing a Robert De Niro party.

We've got Delta Psi dildos we can merchandise.

Welcome to Abercrombie & Fitch.

Welcome to the neighborhood.

Well, okay.

Well, that's how it works! I'm the dumb guy,

Well, we can't both...

Well, your brother is a liar.

What a stupid fucking fight to have.

What about the end of the year bash, Teddy?

What are you doing? I'm sorry.

What are you doing? What are you thinking?

What are you doing? Yeah.

What are you wearing? What is this?

What do you think we should do?

What does that mean?

What is happening to me?

What the fuck are you talking about?

What the fuck do you want, man?

What the fuck?

What the heck's more important than this?

What would be great is if they didn't think they were on probation.

What?

What? No way, man. Get out of here.

What? That's what dean is here.

What? What?

What? You gotta get on your hands and knees.

What's cool is we're almost roommates.

What's up, man?

What's up? Yeah, one more thing.

Who are you?

Who cares?

Who knows what's gonna happen next?

Why did you cry?

Why would they just break in and steal the airbags?

Why?

Why? Well,

Yeah, I agree. I'm just trying to lighten the moo ood.

Yeah, I was here for an exchange program.

Yeah, I'm Meet the Fockers De Niro.

Yeah, two hours a day.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yes, respect.

Yes, you are. You know what?

Yes. They have to move.

Yo.

Yo. I've been waiting forever.

You gotta pump? I think I need to pump.

You guys should come here.

You know how many BJs I've been promised?

You know, Keep it down.

You know, when we had Stella, I was afraid of missing the party,

You must've heard we were coming.

You need to grow up, okay? Our family is in danger.

You promise? Okay. Because a promise is a big deal to me.

You said to call if it was ever too loud.

You seem like a senior that took a year abroad.

You want this?

You were being noisy.

You, like, lost your sense of humor?

You're a human being, and I fucking milked you.

You're doing a great job. See you upstairs.

You're doing it a little weird.

You're gonna have to milk me.

You're gonna make me cry.

You're kidnapping our baby! Asshole!

You're like, My life is over! Everything's different!

You're one of those guys!

You're that boy.

Your baby

(ALL CHEERING)

(ALL GROANING)

(ALL HUMMING)

(BOTH GASP)

(BOTH LAUGHING AWKWARDLY)

(BOTH MOANING)

(BOTH MOANING)

(CELL PHONE CHIMES) I don't want to talk about this.

(EXHALES)

(EXHALES) Fuck!

(FARTING)

(GASPS) Oh, my God.

(GROANING)

(GROANS)

(GROANS)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS) She can't see anything. She just sees shapes.

(MAC AND KELLY MOANING)

(MEOWING)

(SCOFFS)

(SIGHS) Tomorrow's a new day.

(SINGING) We're gonna go to the shops

(STAMMERS)

(STELLA CRYING ON MONITOR)

(WHISPERING) Delta Psi.