What We Do in the Shadows - Season 2 Edit

A "Timothy," at Circuit City stores

A 2,000 word essay on why you chose to become a maple

A big coincidence that I go outlooking for virgins

A big, wrinkly baby

A change in energy. I think it'll do us a lot of good.

A damn handsome one at that, I might say.

A few hundred thousand times,

A ghost is the spirit of a person who has died,

A goat.

A hundred years before any other fucker.

A jade necklace containing the bloodcurdling screams

A known vampire, I have seen

A little help?

A little more flexibility,

A little powwow in the kitchen.

A lot more time in the upstairs bathroom.

A lot of Fortune 500 companies today

A lot of heavy hitters in the house tonight.

A lot of people consider that to be the highlight

A much better guitarist

A necromancer is someone

A nobody. Someone who's personality is like a eunuch's

A okay

A okay

A one thousand times, but what have you done?

A pestilence masquerading as a man

A real son of a bitch

A really childish career choice.

A reminder to us all, life is short.

A secure, alphanumeric one, I hope

A slippery heathen more vile

A spirit is struggling to be heard

A thing or two about boredom.

A vampire community

A vampire kebab.

A vampire slayer.

A vampire's familiar can be important.

A very funny hat situation.

A vision, isn't she?

A wonderful anecdote.

Aah!

Aah! Aah...

Aah! Get ready to swallow my sword! (grunts)

Abandoning me..

About 19th century naval battles,

About being an energy vampire is that,

About being the boss

About his desire to become a vampire

About playing golf with my grandson.

About the volleyball team until he came around

About their willies and their arseholes.

About Topher.

About vampires being murdered

Actually were invented by the Chinese

Actually work at the office. Come back. I'm not done

Actually, I am a really, really good baker

Actually, when you say "C Man,"

Actually, you're the first person

After about a week on it, all these

After all that nonsense on Staten Island,

After all these years?

After all, you're clearly

After ten years.

Again, over the top.

Ah

Ah

Ah

Ah, crud, how am I supposed

Ah, indeed, Ken.

Ah, Nadja. Uh, the house meeting

Ah, there she is

Ah, yes, thank you all for coming to the house meeting

Ah, you know, we've had a rough year

Ah! Ah! We're back!

Ah! And the couch over here but upright,

Ah! Here's another onethat was cruelly stolen from me

Ah! That's my first ship.

Ah. Hello.

Ah. I see.

Ah. It was that easy.

Ah. Tough break.

Ah...

Ah... He's only here to steal my hat

Aha!

All did together and didn't include me.

All fancy and Europe like

All I need is myself

All new Wednesday at 10:00 on FXX.

All of a sudden you're the go to

All of them feared on the whispers of time

All right

All right

All right, all right. I love you.

All right, calm down

All right, dudes, I'm headed out.

All right, ladies.

All right, ladies.

All right, let us begin with the minutes.

All right, let's split up.

All right, so, uh, where's the carcass?

All right, then, Dr

All right, there you go.

All right, we'll close it don't worry about it

All right!

All right! Bye, Bobby.

All right.

All right. Who needs some more wine?

All right... vampire killer

All the mirrors in the bar

All the more reason to put him out of his misery

All the newest mixtures of makeups

All these years of obsession and hatred

All this is playing havoc with my guts.

All this testosterone. Come on.

All this time, and you never said anything

All we need to do issend that to ten friends or foes

ALL: Demon!

ALL: We love you, Jackie!

Alla kazoom!

Also called Jackie Daytona

Also, he did DM me,

Also, I didn't try all that hard

Also, I was very drunk

Also, we use it to make magnets.

Am I not a good familiar to you?

Am I really gonna do this? Do what?

An anonymous friend sent me a token

An Internet café in Medford, Massachusetts.

An ode to the local fishmonger's missus, Irene

An original idea since 1925, when you decided

An unlimited supply of semen? Yeah.

And a price will be paid

And after hypnotizing the entire town

And all the things I do for him

And all you can do is, "Hello, Laszlo"?

And also, he doesn't seem to speak any English

And also, he would be there when I felt a little sad.

And and by bi weekly, I mean twice a week

And appreciated.

And ask you to slow it down?!

And became a vampire

And Benjy

And blankets.

And bring them back clean, and he's not here, so...

And Carol

And Carol.

And destroy his office overlords

And did you bring a personalitem belonging to the deceased?

And did you marry that boy you liked?

And dry, old asses

And Elvis.

And enjoy the most magical night of your life

And even more handsome

And eventually she just..

And find a secret den of vampire hunters,

And finding the ideal spots on walls,

And for your trouble,

And get a real job with real people.

And get rid of something we don't

And go to his family's house and say, "Do you like this?

And he came out of nowhere and beat the shit out of us

And he didn't pay the fair price for the meat of a goat,

And he went, "You will never forget my name

And he's feeding off of it

And his résumé

And how we'll split up the bill

And I am forever grateful to all of you for your hospitality

And I apologize for the billiard ball to the head

And I buried them all in the ground,

And I can explain this whole process

And I can pass the curse on to the company directory

And I do miss them. I miss them a lot.

And I fear

And I got sucked into an air purifier.

And I grow more powerful by the second

And I happen to have a very good old pal

And I have not looked back since

And I have to say this,

And I know that Derek mentioned something.

And I made a promise to this town

And I mean a lot, and when I say a lot,

And I promised I'd never get emotional in front of you chaps,

And I shall pay it in full

And I thought, I don't have to do this. I...

And I took over Lucky Brew's Bar and Grill

And I want a day off.

And I won't start now

And I would say, "Shut up,"

And I'll tell you something

And I'm embarrassed to say I dragged it

And I'm pretty confident there's no conflict.

And I've been like, "I don't know, I don't think so."

And if he did, he certainly wouldn't do it backwards.

And if it's a fucking nightmare and you can forget about him,

And if one day he doesn't, well..

And imbed myself

And is likely dead

And it is just the most beautiful,

And it stinks.

And it will be mine!

And it would explode or something.

And it wouldn't leave much timefor anything else

And it's another woman.

And just because I have Van Helsing blood in me

And just for the record, it had nothing

And just keep going, going, going and pretend...

And ladies' clothings and shirtings

And let through the sun.

And make a dress out of it

And maybe looking for some reassurance

And modest

And my toothpick

And Nadja found out and put me on her shit list.

And next day, FX on Hulu.

And not a lot of plain talk.

And not in my room, so, no, I did not blow them out!

And not just 'cause you,

And now for the grand finale

And now I finally have you cornered

And now it is to my great shame

And now she's dead

And of course, Wesley Sykes.

And picked up the insurance money

And sabotage whatever plans they have.

And sad hookups

And save some for later

And she died.

And she was really screaming.

And sit next to me,

And so that's why you find, on the Manhattan Bridge,

And someone had left a huge floater

And suitings and shoesings

And surprisingly sneaky.

And that got them

And that is, well, about the extent of the crew now

And that spirit is a ghost!

And that's why you have to be careful on the Internet.

And the $350 cash?

And the foot of a deranged cat,

And the stupidest bodies in the village, and their offspring

And then bored himself to death

And then he would actually often be a very good mute listener

And then I found Rapula by sending him psychic messages

And then it would prevent us from being targeted

And then my husband cut your head off

And then my master came into the room

And then the same thing happened with the next one.

And then there's Jamie, who doesn't

And then we can escape

And then we have Diabetic Dave

And then, honestly, the next day,

And then, in the blinks of an eye,

And there a lot of bats.

And there I am, galloping towards my wife,

And there is Topher.

And there you are, my darling, on a hay bale

And they certainly do not want to sacrifice their present privileges

And they certainly do not want to sacrifice their present privileges

And they just walk out the door.

And they listen because they have to

And they still do it now. Why? Because it's hilarious.

And this is called "Let's Do the Disco."

And this is how he repays me?

And throw them on the floor.

And to Panera Bread you shall return.

And to reiterate, do not eat

And total domination of his place of work

And wandered the sewers of New York City,

And we all know that sounds cool

And we can begin the house meeting.

And we can expire together

And we have all been invited!

And we're, like, breaking into their house

And we've never really met someone like Jackie

And went to Lehigh.

And were sentenced to death by the Vampiric Council.

And what on earth are you doing in my boudoir?

And where am I?

And while we wait for the guillotine thing

And who the hell are you anyway?

And within the body resides the spirit.

And you can take your self portrait with you.

And you don't, so that's okay, never mind, forget it.

And you guys should be really careful

And you skipped out without paying me

And you were a completely different person..

And your time

And, most of all, a huge, huge thank you

And, Shanice, I'm very sorry about your friend

And, therefore, we..

And, uh, Jackie Daytona shows up, and, suddenly,

And, uh, oh, look, the sun's coming up.

And, um...

And, unfortunately, now..

And, you know, I devoted my life to it, so..

And..

And..

ANNOUNCER: What a throw by..

Another Ben, and I call him Balsamic Ben,

Another familiar dead, you know?

Another.

Any allergies?

Any thoughts and/or suggestions.

Anyone?

Anything I can help you find?

Anything quick I can rustle you..

Anything. What is it?

Anytime tomorrow, Benjy.

Anyway,

Anyway, come on in

Anyway, how dare you?

Anyway, that is all in the past,

Anyways, I got to go, Black Peter, okay?

Apart from the people I've drained and killed,

Apokatharet eye

Apple flavoring,

Applesauce sloshing around in their skulls

Are an evil, deadly species

Are pathetic,

Are switching to couches.

Are there any places in America

Are three foot two because of the malnourishment!

Are you aware that..

Are you bullshitting me on this?

Are you enjoying watching me, Sean?

Are you fully staffed, or do..

Are you gonna be all right without me?

Are you hiding from me?

Are you keeping well?

Are you kidding me with this right now?

Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding me? That'sjust what they want us to think.

Are you kidding? I was a different person.

Are you okay?

Are you pleased?

Are you sitting on it?

Are... Is that real...

Areh. Aspam John.

Aren't you Lil Dicky?

Arise. Arise!

Arnie, stop talking to Joanna

As I relentlessly slaughtered thousands of enemies.

As I said.

As I say, I'm not naming names.

As I'm handing these out?

As opposed to, say, the George Washington Bridge,

As we're all friends, I could do it for a hundy.

As..

Aspam John.

Aspam John.

Aspam means "my horse."

Aspam oonjahss.

Aspam oonjahss.

Assistance, please?

Assume the position.

At a rest stop in Delaware,

At an intersection of roadways,

At our neighbor Sean's Superb Owl party

At the 1992 World Puzzle Championship,

At the wayside because I wasn't focused.

At training camp, we would use rocks as pillows.

Automatically for my e newsletter.

Aw, fuck no!

Aw.

Ay, pobrecito.

Aye. Courage and honor

Ba boom!

Back in the 1970s

Back to Laszlo.

Baleh?

Balls are going where they're supposed to go

Bartender

Bat!

Bat!

Bat!

Be back to check on you next year.

Be kind to Guillermo.

Because Carol..

Because he's a fan of Martin Balsam, the actor,

Because I am a troll.

Because I didn't have an orgasm waxing the kitchen floor.

Because I enjoy traveling

Because I have to keep one eye open to protect you guys!

Because I killed him

Because it sounded like "Transylvania

Because of your bloody cursed, stupid hat

Because of your machine.

Because sometimes he can be a giant dipshit with no taste.

Because then he'd have to kill me.

Because there's only one in the whole world.

Because vampires cause nothing but pain!

Because we are here to grow.

Because we defeated the curse.

Because we have a huge fucking curse on us!

Because we have finally found us a good one.

Because we're having a real laugh together.

Because we've been invited here, darling

Because you let the fire burn down.

Been quite musical

Been watching a lot of Shark Tank lately.

Beep, beep, beep. Nerd alert

Before I put my foot up your ass

Before they make me a vampire

Before you start drinking?

Being a familiar isn't for everyone

Being a troll, that little bit of bridge history.

Being how it is these days

Benjy is mostly interested in "jolf".

Benjy was my familiar

Benjy. Benjy

Besides his first name being Guillermo?

Big one here

Blood?

Bloody cheek...

Bloody Mary, have mercy on us!

[email protected]

Blue jeans

Boo!

Boo.

BOTH : Colin Robinson

Both combatants, please,

BOTH: ...you are absolutely impossible.

BOTH: A midnight snack?

BOTH: Vampires!

BOTH: Where are you going?

Bouncing off the cars like a bouncing idiot.

Brad Pitt's tinted sunglasses from when

BRAD: Sort of, like, a timeline

Breathing exercises. I like it, Guillermo.

Bury him with something he liked

But a ghost, that's where we draw the line

But a very good friend gave me the strength to be up here

But after a while, you start to wonder

But after my master saved my life,

But also wanting to be a vampire?

But apart from that,

But besides that, my summer's been pretty mellow and Ooh.

But does that make me an amazing baker?

But even the most wealthy of vampires,

But even the ones I did like,

But first, Benjy, you must rest

But he knows our dark secret

But his power is stronger than..

But how did you find your way back here?

But I can't tell him I'm a vampire killer,

But I do

But I don't know what you're talking help!

But I don't think I have to be worried too much with this...

But I found his eBay profile. He used his actual e mail.

But I have been very unhappy since you left.

But I have recently noticed that the house reeks

But I know his name is Tiger Woods.

But I know now

But I'll take him off your hands for you

But I'll tell you this, my luck changed

But I'm having a little troublewith the sabotage

But I'm having a pickle of a time draining you.

But I'm not Laszlo. I'm Jackie Daytona

But I'm not much of a snacker.

But I'm usually the one in the group that is asking about

But I've always been partial to this one

But if I do this kindness for you,

But if we do have an issue,

But if you do enough of it, it'll fill you up

But if you see anybody

But if you'd like to leave a message for Nandor,

But it all pays off in Ocean's Twelve.

But it's mostly bitching

But it's, like,

But it's... What the fuck?

But Nandor the Relentless stood tall and proud

But nevertheless, I found it prudent

But nevertheless, I found it prudent

But nevertheless, I found it prudent

But no one has even heard most of these songs

But not right now I find it distracting, okay?

But now I feel as though I may never depart

But now like, "Hey, Guillermo.

But now she just looks like an elephant's knee.

But off for TV and movies

But onto some more difficult news

But sadly all parties must come to an end

But she was different, sick..

But she was taken from me

But something I wouldn't say no to

But sometimes those words drive me fucking insane.

But still has unfinished business

But thank you for the hustle, Topherino!

But that's... Thank you, very nice

But the main thing is that we all give 100%,

But the three of us.

But the truth is,

But then she came back to life

But there's a a quickening ritual,

But there's so much I want to ask you about

But they never seem to be aroundduring the day

But they're dead now, so that problem's

But they're ghost hands.

But they're not gonna be havingsuch a good time in 20 years

But this is no coincidence.

But this is the original

But to rely on one, I mean...

But tonight..

But very bitter, apparently

But watch this

But we can speak on the computerso you'll see my face

But we have a plan: distract Colin Robinson

But we won't be able to touch you

But wh who's Sean?

But what am I actually doing here?

But what am I actually doing here?

But what happens when that semen is gone?

But what is done is done.

But what is the point?

But what matters is that you are here

But what mine own eyes have seen, mine own eyes have seen.

But what would that look like a familiar attack?

But what, exactly, do you want me to do?

But when the sun goes down, she gets a little mixed up.

But with that and all these stories

But without a body, he's all Jesk and no Gregor.

But yeah

But you have "Condom

But you have to be free and clear of your current master

But you know what it's like for us.

But you know what? No extra charge

But you're not my responsibility anymore

But, as you can see,

But, uh, I'm not sure if I'm gonna take it.

But, yeah, I had to get out of there.

But, you know what, I've come to love those Bucks

But, you know, it's his last night

But..

But..

But..

But... it's of all of us.

But... that's the business.

By a chap named...

By a mutual vampire associate of ours,

By a mutual vampire associate of ours,

By a mutual vampire associate of ours,

By a vampire

By murdering them

By sunrise, and the curse will be lifted

C Camera Two, come over here and put your neck in my mouth

C Colin Robinson, Miss.

Calm down, Nadja

Calm yourself, dear.

CAMERAMAN: Fuck!

CAMERAMAN: Whoa.

Can be a very big help.

Can I ask for one in return?

Can I ask you all, m my ladies,

Can we maybe narrow it down a little bit?

Can you believe I slept in this closet

Can you make me a copy, please?

Can you tell me, how is it you haven't aged

Can't you just change into another of your beige suits?

Can't you see him?

Can't you see you're outnumbered?

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH

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Careful!

Carol has gone missing

Carol? What about Carol?

Cartoonist, maybe. Combine the two.

Cause precedes effect

Cause precedes effect.

Celeste was a familiar that I used to help out

CELESTE: His familiar skills are just unreal.

CELESTE: Prepare to orgy.

CELESTE: Welcome home, Master.

CELESTE: Welcome. Come in.

CELESTE: Yeah, I'm still not feeling the vibe, Karen.

Centuries before I was born,

Charlatan!

CHARMAINE: Stop messing around.

CHARMAINE: Yeah, what happened to us?

Charming lady

Check upstairs.

CHILDREN: Mummy!

CHILDREN: Mummy! Mummy!

Chinga! (exhaling)

CLAUDE: Familiars

CLAUDE: Get the fuck off of me! Shit!

CLAUDE: Get your cameras on. I smell vamps

CLAUDE: Here we go

CLAUDE: Hey, hope to see you again soon, son

CLAUDE: Huh?

CLAUDE: Just slide it

CLAUDE: Oh, hell yes

CLAUDE: So, what are some of the terms we use for vampires?

CLAUDE: Stab it, stab it like this! Gotta kill it.

CLAUDE: Very clever hiding place

CLAUDE: What if it's a little old lady vampire?

CLAUDE: Yep.

CLAUDE:Training? Nah. Training's over.

CLAUDE:Watch out, mosquitoes!

Close your eyes,

Closer than even members of my own family.

COACH SWANSON: Up, up, up!

COACH SWANSON: When you're Jackie Daytona,

Colin Robinson

Colin Robinson died attempting to achieve power

Colin Robinson has recently

Colin Robinson here, Staten Island branch

Colin Robinson I'm not so sure about.

Colin Robinson multiplied himself by three

Colin Robinson wins again.

Colin Robinson, and..

Colin Robinson, however you are trying to drain us,

Colin Robinson, this does not concern you.

Colin Robinson, when you talked to me

Colin Robinson, why are you doing this to us?

Colin Robinson?

Colin would stand hovering at the door,

Colin, can I get you a lozenge or something?

Colin, Laura would like a word with you in her office.

COLIN: Ah

COLIN: And so, I just would like to apologize

COLIN: Give him hell, Laszlo

COLIN: Hey, a high school production of Thornton Wilder's

COLIN: Hey, hey.

COLIN: I am

COLIN: I think it's a Wu Tang reference.

COLIN: I told you I'd get us out of here

COLIN: I tricked you. I'm alive

COLIN: I was worried being the boss would take me away

COLIN: I'll be honest with you, my look alike

COLIN: Maybe we need

COLIN: Now that you have my e mail address,

COLIN: One of the best ways to drain people's energy

COLIN: One of the hard things

COLIN: Ooh

COLIN: Playing cards

COLIN: Sorry if my hands are a little oily

COLIN: Sounded like

COLIN: Sure, the guys on the field are having a good time today,

COLIN: These witches are sly, but so am I

COLIN: They had come highly recommended

COLIN: They had come highly recommended

COLIN: They had come highly recommended

COLIN: Turn on the damn light!

COLIN: Uh, some sort of storage room, perhaps

COLIN:The thing with motion smoothing

Collecting victims it's all so nasty and ugly

Color me skeptical

Come and join me here. That's better

Come back. You will forget everything you have seen.

Come here, boy

Come in.

Come into the sewer

Come on

Come on

Come on in.

Come on, boy. Making it three to the Laszlo

Come on, Colin Robinson.

Come on, come on

Come on, guys

Come on, Joe, drink up

Come on, just go get the door.

Come on, let's go.

Come on, say "aye" if you're with me

Come on, Simon, you don't even know

Come on!

Come this way

Come with me. Bring the cameras.

Come. Please

Coming at you from the deepest part of Staten Island,

Coming right up

Completely free

Completely furious with you

Conferencing with this guy I used to intern for,

Could be his last name.

Could ghosts of us exist?

Could you just come in like a normal person?

Could you run to the ShopRite and grab a few more bags

Couldn't quite hear that

Count Rapula, please help me.

Courage and honor

Coworkers die.

Cravensworth...!

Creatures with sharp teeth and stupid accents?

Curses are very common

Damn it!

Damn, pimp!

Dan, I've called you in for an impromptu

Dan..

Dating

Death comes for us all.

Decide

Depends what mood he's in

Derek, let's go!

Derek, Tonya, check that way. I'll check over here.

DEREK: A bat cage.

Derek's mom needs the van back first thing tomorrow morning

Des Vampires..."

Destroyed by a terrible army

Destruction and misery at my own vampire housemate's hands!

Devious!

Did I tell you about the time

Did you call the speaker of the house a four letter word?

Did you call the speaker of the house a four letter word?

Did you hear that?

Did you hear that?

Did you helped him finish his unfinished business?

Did you kill Carol?

Did you know my name?

Did you know that?

Did you say something?

Did you see how I threw the suspicion from you?

Did you see that?

Did you see that?

Did you show me... H Hold on

Dilbert looking guy

Disgusting

Do both combatants agree?

Do evil, bloodsucking vampires sicken you?

Do friends accuse their friend of draining them

Do I believe in ghosts? Uh, no

Do me a favor and stay away from the koi pond.

Do me a favor?Never look me in the eye again.

Do me a favor?Never look me in the eye again.

Do more work

Do not eat. Something wrong

Do not rip our guts out!

Do what?! No. I don't have time for this.

Do you have any proof of this wild accusation?

Do you have anything for rosacea?

Do you have long left, do you think?

Do you hear this? There is a voice coming from the sewer

Do you know where Carol is?

Do you remember the Mechanical Turk?

Do you think it could maybe be something

Do you think we're going to getto touch its little beak?

Do you want me to go in for a quick snoop and poop?

Do, uh, any of these hedges look like...

Does it even matter?

Doesn't mean that I'm destined to be this vampire killer

Doesn't the fact that they drinkhuman blood sicken you?

Doing the rabbit.

[email protected].