Dead Like Me - Season 1 Edit

A dish is a collection of flavours, consistencies.

A patty melt not only implies what it is but also how it's prepared.

A shot through the heart. I was here. Didn't even see him go down.

A tired worker is a poor worker. A poor worker is often an out of work worker.

Actually, yes. We had a little accident here.

Actually, you refer to dogs by their sex as in "Here, boy. Down, girl."

After Speedy Gonzales passed away, I was on the rebound hard.

All right. There's work to be done.

All right. You can come in. Come on.

And even though that sounded like some sappy break up line,

And I'm a fucking citizen, dude. Speak English.

And I'm sorry to say the response to your visit was not what I hoped.

And I'm sure he really loves you too.

And if a home was a place where you felt comfortable...

And it happened randomly.

And now had moved on to mammals.

And over here...

And promptly choked to death.

And so it began for Reggie.

And that's what it's all about getting things done

And then it was just the two of us.

And then you and I are gonna be busy little beavers.

And then you and I are gonna be busy little beavers.

And we needed a home

And when the business is done, they can finally let go,

And who are you?

And you. A dog in a hot tub?

Are we clear?

Are you a doer in the home, Millie?

Are you going to take orders from a fucking customer?

Are you lost, JD?

Banana Bonanza originated on the moors of Scotland?

Batter says, "So what was it? Ball or strike?"

Be sweet about it. You may be the last face she sees.

Beautiful today.

Because dogs are referred to in the feminine.

Because I have noticed an erosion over the past few days

Before I took him home.

Boy, you didn't just eat here. You really watched Angus cook.

But because I didn't know what was going on with JD and Mason.

But I didn't like the idea of Mason using my dog for some evil scheme to bag women.

But I was worried I'd attract people with a fetish for, you know... big things.

But I wasn't sure what that meant.

But not in the bathroom. Folks looking at me on the potty would be wrong.

But somehow I felt guilty. I wasn't sure why.

But that all goes straight to the American Amputee Association.

But this Easter chick needs a mom and I think you're the best girl for the job.

But what we did for a living what we did for the living

But, in our hearts, both JD and I knew we were just killing time.

Butter! You're killing me. Butter is elemental.

Bye bye.

Casey, I know how to cook. I know how to cook very well.

Chances were you were going to know someone who was about to die.

Character building chores just fall by the wayside.

Cheeseburger. Try not to fuck it up.

Come on, JD. Let's go home.

Come on.

Come on. Stay.

Corned beef hash I speak for aficionados of the dish is to be fried

Daisy, I've been thinking about earning some extra cash by doing all this acting stuff.

Daisy, this is not some cheap move. I had my first audition yesterday.

Daisy's a reaper.

Damn it!

Dang. Another man down

Dang. Another man down

Death happened. It happened a lot.

Delores, where's your cat?

Delores...

Do not get emotionally involved with these people.

Do what the little girl says, put ketchup on it.

Don't be discouraged. I'm sure it was the accent

Don't do this to me.

Don't get emotionally involved. Clean your gun, go home.

Don't let me do it no matter how much I beg.

Don't say a word.

Dry them. Make them squeaky clean.

Eggs!

Even one life, wasn't going to be enough to hold me

Every soft egg that turns hard is like a soldier that died in your arms.

Excuse me. Is one of you ladies Mrs Todd?

Exhale... and sleep.

First there was my mouse, Speedy Gonzales.

Flip 'em over before the bubbles burst or they lose their elasticity.

Frankly, I had enough guilt and regret

Fucked with the wrong cook today, eh, Angus? Angus?

Georgia... Sweetheart..

Get the dog off the bed, Reggie.

God knows I've taken in my fair share of drifters

Good timing. I was just about to start the last Hot Pocket.

Got the sand, got the sea dust, got mud...

Guy wants the cheese melted on the bread, not the patty, and kraut.

Happy Easter, sweetheart.

He didn't

He likes you. He always likes little girls.

He might take a crap into your hash.

He's in a better mood this afternoon

He's your dog now. You should figure it out.

Hey

Hey, how about we lay some new contact paper on the cabinet shelves?

Hey. What's for dinner?

His demise would be sure and swift and I knew somehow I'd be the cause of it.

His name is Henry Lancridge. He made a lot of money in real estate.

Hope you don't mind my night sweats.

How do you honour Georgia's memory?

How old are you? Like, 35?

Hungry Girl wants to know the dog's name.

I actually loved every pet I ever had.

I always find it hard to maintain authority after I've shared a bed with someone.

I can't tell if she's had work done or whether she's just moisturised often.

I could help you show the new guy the ropes

I couldn't decide between Ferns & Flowers and Country Rose so I got both

I couldn't help wondering who liked to watch Delores "getting things done".

I decided that even though this dog would die some day,

I do not say this phrase lightly in this hallowed place.

I don't know what the fuck happened. I never really made peace with it.

I don't know.

I don't know. Maybe his owner was a boozer

I don't like talking about my flaws. Thanks for understanding

I don't mean to pick on you so early, but may I ask you something personal?

I don't think she named him Jack Daniels.

I enjoyed your eggs very much. Thank you.

I feel terrible, just terrible.

I get two cents when someone clicks on,

I got a new guy coming in today, who worked at Ihop, so he's really good.

I guess that's what those guys did.

I have my own website.

I have no clue

I have no moral objection to taking the possessions of someone who's dead.

I have this dog. My roommate says she's allergic.

I have this dog. My roommate says she's allergic.

I just think there might be a better environment for you some place else.

I just... I don't know. They look so sweet.

I kinda like that.

I knew something had to be done. Something drastic.

I know I may sound crazy, but I don't know what I'd do without JD.

I know this isn't something you care about, but I own some beautiful clothes.

I like leaving folded laundry out for a moment before I drawer it.

I like to look at every inch as an opportunity.

I mean, he was nothing if not reasonable.

I mean, I wasn't the only kid who had accidentally offed a pet.

I mean, the oven's always 25 degrees hotter than it reads.

I named my chick Tweety.

I needed to find a place to sleep.

I printed the postings from the "Getting Things Done With Delores" website

I really love him.

I should have responded as I did

I should have said, "Thanks, but I prefer not to." Polite, firm, hard to argue with.

I think she's one of them.

I think some people wander because that's who they are.

I want a patty melt with kraut and cheese melted on the bread.

I want der fucking patty melt with der cheese melted on der bread

I want to talk to the manager.

I wanted to tell JD that he'd be better off without me.

I was beginning to think that that's the kind of person I was.

I was thinking about calling it Herbig Website,

I wish someone had told me... before I died and all.

I wish you could unburden yourself.

I wondered what he was doing with my dog.

I wouldn't have listened anyway.

I'll take hi...

I'm a gifted man. Why are you looking for somebody?

I'm aware of that. You all right today? You don't seem yourself.

I'm coming with. I don't think it's a good idea to eat here today.

I'm giving you wisdom, an ancient Chinese secret,

I'm gonna take a walk. I'll see you later, peanut

I'm more of a TV watcher.

I'm not crazy.

I'm not gonna rob you, I just don't exactly know where home is these days

I'm not talking to you

I'm sensing some kind of a financial difficulty.

I'm sorry things didn't work out.

I'm staying with this guy, but he's kinda..

I'm sure you will.

I'm working. Oh...

I've never had a choker. I can't imagine it's very pretty.

If she's allergic, why did she pet you?

If that's your attitude... Check, please!

If you don't know, we're knee deep in water. Plate 'em.

If you need a place...

If you'll excuse me.

In fact, you could give me a few pointers.

It isn't. I couldn't even look this time. I took off.

It really was the truth.

It was a print ad, so you didn't speak.

It was grisly scene possibly a murder/suicide pact.

It went on and on like that. The more I loved my pets, the quicker I killed them.

It's advice you tell someone when they're 30, I guess.

It's all yours. I don't need this bullshit.

It's called the line because it's like being on the front.

It's Daisy. Daisy Adair.

It's just a game. You guess someone's age.

It's my life, my apartment, my dog!

It's nice. Clean.

It's not her dog.

It's the wandering that allows them to live.

It's very expensive stuff, Georgia. It contains an anti oxidant complex.

JD and I wandered through the park for the better part of an afternoon.

JD and I wandered through the park one last time

JD, come! JD, come!

JD!

JD?

Just because you're dead doesn't mean you have to give up.

Just call it coffee. Don't call it mud. It'll only confuse people.

Just do your job.

Just Dog.

Keeping a dead animal is something a crazy person would do.

Kidding! Those ended weeks ago

Kraut on Der Patty Melt is akin to knocking the tower down.

Let it breathe. Hey, don't quit on me now.

Let's blame the hen.

Like they're holding on to something. Holding their breath.

Load 'em.

Looks like he's also voting for Ferns & Flowers.

Lovely companions

Mason said he would take care of him,

Maybe it was the stupid dog. It was definitely the dog.

Maybe JD stands for Jack Daniels.

Maybe that's what happens to some souls. Maybe they get lost.

Maybe there's some kind of unfinished business with these souls.

Maybe they have to wander because they're not quite at peace yet.

Maybe this is the spark you need to light a fire under that ass you like to sit on.

Me? No one.

Millie? Millie.

Mom said that everybody needs to know how to swim.

Mom!

Mrs Todd, that gentleman over there on the right

Murray? How sweet to remember.

Murray's away. Dialysis, three days a week.

My good friend, Rebecca Randall, climbed Everest.

My little sister was just as star crossed as I was

Neither is catching Zs on the J O B.

Nice guy.

Nicely handled, Georgia. You're growing up to be a fine grim reaper.

No fucking way.

No, Daisy. I have not touched your stupid eye cream.

No, you got it. On der house.

No. I got Roberto in there cooking.

No. I'm good. Just a little tired.

Not in that life, not in this one, not ever. But thanks.

Not just because it was work,

Not something you'd ever tell an 18 year old girl.

Nothing would hurt him while he was with me.

Oh, baby, dry those dishes. Uh huh.

Oh, Christ. My boss has a wooden leg.

Oh, shit!

Oh, that's very generous of you, Delores, but I'll be fine. I'll take care of things.

Oh, yeah... Use the hand towel. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yes. I'll see you later.

Oh!

Oh.

Oh. Did we lose somebody?

Oh. Did you put detergent in the dishwasher?

Oh. Quinn's got an admirer.

OK, folks. How many times can I fucking say this?

Over here is where I puzzle. I got a real head scratcher here.

Pay the check.

Pinch of nutmeg. Makes it taste like Christmas all year.

Pitcher pitches, batter doesn't swing, umpire doesn't say anything.

Please tell him how I want my hash. It's my prerogative and this is my wish.

Please, no finger painting.

Pure Attitude 477 described you as "lethargic and uninspiring" and, uh...

Put me down for a case. Try to clear your head when you cook tomorrow.

Recipes that have been passed down that originated on the moors of Scotland.

Reggie had already blown through an aquarium full of fish

Reggie thought she'd teach the gerbil to swim.

Reggie's been stealing toilet seats,

Rest in peace.

Rube said I should bunk with you

See the way he talks to me?

Sending back a dish is a hostile act, it's a shot across the bow

Shame about the homeless. They are passionate lovers, but they rob you blind.

Share? I can't believe she knew the word.

She keeps tipping over. No balance, poor dear.

She made the summit, but lost all ten little Indians.

She'd lived a life.

Skeevy?

So he choked to death.

So he didn't cross over.

So I took JD home.

So maybe it didn't make any sense,

So people actually pay to watch you?

So people like watching me getting things done.

So this'll be your last shift and I wanna thank you for helping out.

So who do we blame the hen or the cook?

Some place slower, where you can get things done at your own pace.

Sorry. I can't do that.

Spoon with the holes.

Start swapping ingredients and it's like fucking with a Jenga tower of tastes.

Stay as long as you like.

Stay.

Stay. You stay.

Stop and smell the roses.

Sure.

Telling me not to tarry. You can kiss my ass.

Thanks.

That probably sounds like I used to molest them, but it was nothing like that.

That was my mother.

That'd be a grilled cheese. How about I make you a grilled cheese?

That's a toughie.

That's great.

That's just sick.

That's right. My dog.

The dog's in the bed.

The fact is, I had a rather sordid past when it came to animals.

The kind of person for whom one job, one love,

The kind of wandering that takes place when you didn't have to be anywhere.

The man is already in a foul mood. He's gonna take it out on me.

The night is young and there's much to be done.

The notice said young, like 20s, hip, good looking, so come on...

The problem was our cat, Sylvester, ate Tweety.

The sheer numbers kinda calmed me down about JD

The thought that people were watching me kept me awake.

The Waffle House. The patty melt.

Then do something sweet for her before she dies.

Then the accent's not a problem. What a gorgeous dog.

Then the guy dog says to the girl dog,

Then there are those who wander because they don't have a place to go

There was a void. I told my mom only a new puppy could fill it

There's a camera there...

There's a Hot Pocket in the microwave calling my name. Don't try to stop me.

They're extraordinary companions.

They're thousands of miles away.

Things she cared about suddenly began to disappear from her life.

This fucking guy has been called out on strikes.

This is central ops.

This is difficult to say. Especially now.

This is fucking inedible. It could give me trichinosis.

This is my snooze bin.

This is so not cool.

This is where I make my "to do" lists, but the doing happens all over.

This one shouldn't have been hard. She was old. She wasn't like me.

This, my dear Casey, is not crisp. It's...

To call home.

Tonight we make a big push.

Truth Machine 8 said he went to bed feeling nothing had been accomplished.

Um... I don't know.

Umpire says, "It ain't nothing till I call it."

Until you're a shell of a man beaten down and you stand for nothing.

Wait. This person dies in 45 minutes. I don't have time for coffee.

Wandering is what gives them oxygen.

Wanted me to tell you that you look very and this is a quote

Was not as easy.

We live in a society that speeds along and with people so busy,

We'll have to locate those dishes and wash them again.

Well, anybody's better than what I got. I can't speak Spanish.

Well, don't you have any kids or grandchildren or something?

Well, enough chatting. We gotta get things done.

Well, it's actually more of a twirl. This is it.

Well, you came to the wrong place, lazybones.

Well, you give in on one little thing, you compromise and compromise...

Well, you're not the first strays to find shelter at Chez Delores

What a pain in the ass. What do you think happened?

What about JD? Who's gonna take care of JD?

What do you like?

What do you mean?

What do you think JD stands for?

What else am I supposed to do? It's not like Angus gave me notice.

What is his problem?

What the fuck is wrong with you?

What were those people getting done while they were watching?

What?

What? No, no, no...

What's going on?

What's your name, my friend?

When he does his Belgian waffles, you know the trick? Vanilla.

When someone is flying through life that's what you tell them

Whenever someone tried to hand me some stupid responsibility when I was alive.

Where's she going?

Wherever Silverberg is now, I'm sure he forgives you

Which is why it wasn't for purely selfish reasons that I wanted to lose JD.

While watching her everywhere else is just plain insane.

Who are you talking to back here?

Whoa...

Whoo!

Why are you calling him a she?

Why don't you ever say anything to her? Stealing from dead people?

Why don't you stay with me for a while while you figure things out?

Why teach a gerbil to swim?

With a crisp exterior.

With der fucking kraut on it. Got it?

Without adding the death of this beautiful dog to the mix.

Work was unbearable that day.

Wow.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. I lost everything I own. Everything.

Yeah. I picked up on that. Who does JD belong to?

Yeah. Man had a gift.

Yeah. You're not good at it.

Yes, she is.

Yes, sweetie, but throwing him in the toilet's a rather tough love approach.

You are killing me. Just do the job.

You are not at your best. Your food was not good today.

You be good. You be good, JD.

You could come over, we could read some scenes together.

You didn't get me a place. Why did you say she could stay with me?

You give in, next you're making a rib eye, well done, smothered in ketchup.

You gotta criticise and teach in the same breath.

You have a Post it on your forehead.

You know what they say, home is where the Herbig.

You look like a man with a terrible problem on your mind.

You mean my food doesn't seem quite like me today.

You stole it from some dead woman's purse.

You take a couple of seconds to get your bearings

You take a couple of seconds to get your bearings

You think a few photos are gonna stop that?

You tip good, but you're pushing me.

You took her soul. What did you see?

You're the guest and if you don't like it, you can kiss my dead ass goodbye.

You're welcome.

You're welcome.

Your pancakes. I'll get 'em.

Your T zone is so dry.

"She gets 20 to the gallon"? Sure.

A dog in a hot tub? No clue

And won't get out of the batter's box. Won't get out of the box

Angus Cook. You're a cook, your name is Cook.

Axle grease 'em

But you said... I said I'm OK with this kind of theft.

Can I just get some coffee first? Have you been using my eye cream?

Come on in. Thanks for letting us stay here.

Does he bark? He's a dog!

Don't drown 'em. Fucking butter on pancakes.

English. Eeugh.

Fine. No, no. That's how it starts.

Flip 'em, not flop 'em. I'm flipping.

Go. Vamoose. Yes.

Goddamn pyramid scheme. Vitamins?

Going into my apartment. I mean, the dog.

Hair products. Sorry you had to go through that.

Hey, get the dog out of my restaurant! It's out. I'm sorry.

Hey. So what does JD stand for?

Hi. What are you doing?

How did it go? I didn't get it.

How old d'you think she is? I'm thinking 770. I'm not good at that.

How was everything? Oh, it was just fine.

How was your hash? Excellent.

I did once blow Babe Ruth. Who didn't?

I didn't even know she had a gerbil. There's a shocker.

I don't know what this is. It doesn't look good.

I have to go do this. OK.

I sure wish I'd heard him sputtering

I thought you'd hit it off. I'd hit her.

I'm gonna start stealing stuff. That's a bad idea.

I'm Mrs Todd. Quinn, maybe you won something.

I'm not good at the pet thing. He likes little girls.

I'm not paying for it. Oh, you pay for it.

I'm sorry. Mmm.

I've been eating them for 20 years. That's all you know how to do.

In a diner? Burn one on the hoof, hold the bread.

Is there a fucking echo here? Are your people from Scotland?

Isn't she? Is it a golden?

JD's a male. Yes, she is.

Just like Mama Cass. Just like Mama Cass.

Let's not tarry. I'm a hungry man. Just dump some ketchup on it.

Like a guy talks about a car? Exactly.

Millie, this just won't do. Listen, don't worry about kicking me out.

Millie. May I have a moment? Sure.

Morning. Georgia...

My what? Your T zone, silly.

No. I thought you did. Oh, silly us.

Not bad? Come on. That is spot on. It's Michelangelo.

Oh, God, she's old. It's so sad. Would you rather she were your age?

Oh? I'd fuck him.

Oh. Is there something I need to know?

Prepared to your liking? Without question.

Really? Yeah.

Reggie's principal called. She's been cutting school.

Run zippo. What?

Say "thank you", JD. Yeah, what a sweetie.

Second time around. I don't make a lot of money here, pal.

So? Well...

That kind of stuff. I don't see that happening.

That's something I can live with. Truth is I'm wildly allergic to dogs.

The boy can't even fry an egg. The bus boy?

The cheese is melted on the patty. I like the cheese on the bread.

The computer told you that? No. Stinky 5,000 told me that.

The dog's going in too. Georgia, this is a small space we share.

This isn't a dog. A dog is a lot of responsibility.

Time! You're breaking my heart. It's a three stack.

Um, JD. And what does the JD stand for?

What a beautiful dog! Thank you.

What are you doing? Getting a ride.

What are you having, darling? Just coffee, please.

What fresh hell is this? Corned beef hash and eggs.

What kind of dog is he? Golden retriever.

What kind of doggie? Golden retriever.

What moisturiser do you use? I don't.

What was it for? Some beer advertisement

What's its name? JD

What's your point? He looks like a shedder.

Who complained? The eggs were not good.

Who's voting? Oh, my gosh! Didn't I tell you?

Will the dog be sleeping in the bed? Maybe.

Will you be sleeping in the bed? Maybe.

Would you like a tour? Sure.

Yeah. Edinburgh?

Yeah. Both parents. Lovely city.

Yeah. Is there a problem? You don't know what a patty melt is

You don't know what you're asking for. I know.

You don't think I can take care of a dog? Not true.

You like baseball? Not really.

You mean who did she belong to. Please don't tell me this was her dog.

You're being melodramatic. I'm not!

You're flopping. So what?

You're not supposed to be here. Neither are you.

Your PCs are bubbling. What?

Yup. Poor guy. Choked on a ham sandwich.

-

.. and there... and there... and there.

.. this was not it

"Der Patty Melt" should have kraut on it.

"Der" is German for "the".

"Getting things done with Delores".

"I don't know what the hell you rolled in tonight, but it smells lovely!"

"JD"

"Just do the job". Like we were hit men.

"Slow down, take stock, appreciate what you have, use all your senses."

"Stop and smell the roses."

"Wildly allergic"? Seems you might have started with that.