Magic Mike XXL (2015) Soundboard Edit

A little commitment.

A wake?

All it was is I was at a party and saw this badass girl

All right, get your moon rock!

All right, that's it

All right! Relax

All right?

All right. But if any of you motherfuckers steals my idea, I swear to God I will..

All the more reason for me to probably just go do the good night thing

All we got to do is ask them what they want.

And I've got some good news..

And my personal favorite, the flavor of truth

And organize a first ever cross dressing search party out to that island

And then I think that it's probably better if I just go back

And then that probably wouldn't work out on any level that I would want it to work out on..

And they always sing Rapper's Delight everywhere they go

And we can do anything Your fantasy

And which one are you?

And, look, Pony is great

ANNOUNCER: Good evening, friends.

Are you cop in a thong or a fireman in a thong?

Are you kidding?

Are you ready to meet a special kind of beast...

Are you serious?

Argh. Fuck! All right, fine. Guess I know what today is going to be like

Baby, you remind me of my jeep er

Back at you, Clitoria

Backstreet was the only legitimate boy band that ever came out of Florida, period

Basically, I'm just trying to avoid ending up on the pole

Be mine

Be present

Because every last one of you up in here is a queen and don't you ever forget it!

Between your legs Loud and clear

But I do know this. You better be ready to follow my ass down the rabbit hole

But I'd say I know what happens on that island, and that's just..

But tomorrow we start the pilgrimage to Myrtle Beach for the convention

But you never know

CHORUS: Tell me why Ain't nothin' but a heartache

CHORUS: Tell me why Ain't nothin' but a heartache

Clitoria Labia is her name

Come and jump on it

Come on now. Young and old, hot and cold, get your ass on this stage.

Come on, girl

Come on, man

Condomints

Cool.

Crumpled up, coke dusted $100 bills..

Dearly beloved...

Did you, uh, bangee?

Does that mean you are gonna be on the pole or not? Because...

Don't be shy. That's a beautiful name.

Don't look at me. Look out into the ocean

Don't say his name, man. Don't give it that power

Don't worry. You're going to be well taken care of, I promise.

Dude, I'm 35 years old. If it hasn't happened already, it ain't gonna happen

Ernie is an artist. He's a painter.

Every time a chick gets a look at it, she's like:

Exactly. You didn't pick it, so it's not on the inside

Fantastic. I love the enthusiasm

Flip that ass over like we in gymnastics...

For some of y'all budding queens hiding out there in the shadows

For the best amateur queen here in Jacksonville!

Found your number on Google. Hope it's the right one

Fucking China. Some d bag investor offered Dallas a whole bunch of money..

Fucking mobile. You know, low overhead, high revenue shit

Girl I got a sweet tooth Ain't nothin' sweeter than you

Girl, give it to me

Give her some encouragement, queens. Come on, let's not hate.

Go ahead girl, don't you stop

Good show

Good work on that, by the way

Gotta be compatible

Grinding those snow cones at the Northdale Mall

Had a chance to have our moment.

Happy to be running my own show for once

Have a little bit of cold with a little bit of hot.

He just said you exhibited pussy like behavior

He'll need to stay here for 48 hours of observation. He's in here.

He's not going to come unless we really get his attention

Heh. Are you serious? Come on

Her name is..

Hey, I forgot to ask, you still with Mercedes?

Hey, if you want that karma, go for it

Hey, Richie, don't worry about it. I got something for you, top secret

Hey, you guys remember the last time we were in this club..

Hold this.

Hopefully it'll spread through social media, but...

Hot, hot, hot

How about a blowjob or handjob?

How about this? Let's do a little therapy session. Old school therapy session

How's that work without Dallas?

I can say his name. He's not fucking Voldemort

I could do that

I don't know

I don't know, man. It's been a long time

I don't need a favor from you

I don't need a hall pass, just somebody to tell me this isn't a terrible idea

I don't want a fucking shake

I get it all the time at the minimart. I'm sorry.

I got an inner drag queen too.

I got it. Get the picture? I'm running out

I got the king for you, ladies.

I had the house, the dog, Downton Abbey on the weekends

I have..

I haven't come up with a name for it. I figure..

I haven't had actual sex in almost five months

I haven't talked to you for eight years since you walked out.

I hear you, man

I introduce to you our candy king.

I just thought it..

I kill the pussy, dig a Grave

I know an M.C. in Savannah

I love to lick the middle like an Oreo Turn it up

I met a photographer in Miami at this party I was working at.

I only had seven minutes left on it, man. Here. Have a shake

I read energy in my work, and yours is...

I think she likes you, Mike

I think you mean two. You're fucking Algerian, bro

I think you should bring back Pony, bro

I told her put it in my face

I wanna bite it and get inside it Till I get you gone

I wanna know How does

I wanna talk back to her Make love to her

I want to fuck you like an animal

I was... I would think to myself, I'd be set if I could just get to where Ken was

I'd probably still do this on the side.

I'll be your M.C. tonight.

I'll have a ring and everything, and I'll propose to her, and people throw rice

I'll see you downstairs in a minute, okay?

I'm a private in your parts I'm at duty

I'm coming in at the eleventh hour, and I don't want to step on toes

I'm going to start hiding the kitchen knives in a minute.

I'm gon' make you feel it

I'm gon' make you feel it..

I'm gon' make you feel it...

I'm gonna go dig it for you, Alice. Let's see how far you're really willing to go

I'm happy you finally got what you wanted

I'm jealous

I'm just saying that cowboys and firemen dancing to '80s rock is not not lame

I'm kissing you Running my fingers through your hair

I'm making artisanal probiotic froyo. I serve it out of this side

I'm not going through a guy phase anyway

I'm so over these contractors nickel and diming our margins all day

I'm still pretty

I'm talking out of body, baby

If he doesn't, then y'all have a serious problem.

If I'm going down, I'm going down in a fucking tsunami of dollar bills!

If this really is our last ride, what if we make up some new shit and go out with a bang?

If you're gonna be here, be here

If you're horny, let's do it

Imagine this. A small, little rectangle

Is it the look in your eyes

Is Megan here?

It just can't be right now

It was nice to meet you, though, Dolly Titz

It's crazy, right? We'll keep your feet loose and satisfy your sweet tooth

It's going down, turn around Let me feel yo booty

It's like a blessing and a curse at the same time, huh?

It's like Oprah said: When someone shows you themselves, believe them

It's not about being a dancer, Richie. It's not

It's us, bro

Jesus fuck

Julie, man! The barely legal paralegal

Just basking in the glory of our good fortune

Just burn this shit down with some new routines

Just once if I have the chance

Justin was in 'N Sync. Kevin Richardson came back to Backstreet in 2012

Keep going till you hit the spot

KEN: What are you talking about?

KEN: What in the hell are you doing here?

Kiwi olive oil with freeze dried basil, Crème Brûlée

Let me just throw something out. I completely understand that..

Let me show you What I'm talking about, baby

Let's face it, I'm probably fucked

Like an Oreo

Like strangers without having a hello drink.

Like you

Look, I know it's been a while..

Look, I love you guys. This trip has been ridiculous and amazing.

Look, maybe it's like the glass slipper. You just need to find the right one

Macau

Make it rain! Amen!

MAN [SINGING]: Here we are all alone

MAN 3: Am I your fire

Man, I hope so. I hope I can keep it afloat. Because nothing...

Maybe..

Mike, come on, man

Mike, that's what we've rehearsed

MIKE: All right, let's cut this, then sand it and stain it

MIKE: CEO of my own company. I take vacations when I want them

MIKE: I was thinking about doing it again and then I punked out

MIKE: Oh. That's romantic

MIKE: Okay, I'll be present

MIKE: What you gonna do after this weekend?

MIKE: Y'all got room for one more on this motherfucker?

MIKE: You can find it, man

MIKE: You feel better?

Mmm.

Mom, they're male strippers.

Morning, gentlemen.

Mrs. Davidson called ahead, upgraded your rooms and booked you our conference space.

My saddle's waiting

My whole existence is flawed

NANCY: Because I pissed away all of this on one man.

No fucking M.C. No fucking whip

No, fuck that shit. I woke up under a car in the parking lot

No, I don't fucking feel better. That was seriously fucked up

No, it wasn't. There are a lot better ways to handle that shit

No, it's just I know what happens for me on that island

No, no, no

No. Uh uh. No.

No. We agreed to try monogamy and..

No. Well, sometimes

Nobody messes with the mojo on the last ride, brother

Now, I am Miss Tori Snatch..

Of course, you're eating cake by yourself when...

Oh, come on with the hippie shit! It's in season. We're doing it

Oh, God

Oh, I see

Oh, my God, did you guys even sleep?

Oh, right. A stripper convention I keep hearing about

Oh, shit! Yes!

Oh. All right. On that note, uh, let's get this circus back on the road

Oh. Well, in that case, that makes things easier, because then..

Okay

Okay, if he's not dead, then where is he?

Okay, look. Pony, that wasn't a dance routine

Okay, point taken. Let me ask you a question, though. Um..

Okay. Good

Okay. I figured. Ha ha

Okay. Sorry. I think I actually hear it.

One hit and let's not talk about it anymore. I get it. You're mad that I left

One person of color?

One snowy white Ken doll for all those good little Christian women

Ooh. You're wonderful

Or I'll just load up on all those fantastic '80s hair bands for my drive instead

Oreo, Oreo, like an Oreo

Peeping your steelo

Put you in a coma, you're a sleeper

Really?

Relax. A bunch of orders just came in. The guys in the shop are freaking out

RICHIE: Fuck that. I woke him up last time

RICHIE: Laugh at my plight

RICHIE: What the fuck more do you need? Right?

RICHIE: Your condoms..

Ride it, my pony

Right. Then Tobias is gonna intro the solos. Listen..

Rome likes us to put our passion in our work.

ROME: Did you like that, ladies?

Seeing as you're not in a boy phase.

Send my headshot around, hope for the best

ShamWow us with your genius invention

She grab the wood like grippin' Grain

She like alcohol But you ain't here to hear me whine

She was with her boyfriend, and he did not look like he was hitting that shit right

She's the main bitch. She's like Cheetara and Grace Jones

Shit works.

Shit!

Show him your bangee

So don't act like we don't all have problems

So get the fuck on the van

So let me present to you...

So that song came on, and all I did was imagine what I would do to her

So, what's the plan about this thing?

Somebody in a distant land with the exact same thing can hear it

Sometimes you just want somebody to ask you what you want and just...

Started a new show overseas

Stop being a pussy. Let's go

Sweating while you callin' me daddy

Take over South Beach, then the entire East Coast.

Takes me to my limits

TARZAN: And that conversation just happened

TARZAN: Nice entrance

Tell everybody what you're really gonna be doing come Monday morning

Tell me why Ain't nothin' but a mistake

Thank you for your hospitality, ma'am

That can bring all the beauty out in you?

That happened to be his house when his wife was away?

That makes me feel like a warmonger with everything going on politically right now

That shit was dope

That was beautiful, baby, as always. Just beautiful

That was it. That was all Pony ever was.

That was spiritual, man

That's actually a pretty good idea

That's all it is, bro. Fucking hater

That's how you get flush in the food industry

That's our pulse.

That's the farthest thing from what I said. I said I would want to go..

That's the Mikey I remember!

That's the ticket, Miss Thing

That's toasted marshmallow tangerine

That's totally going to work. Do it just like that

That's... Okay

That's... That's usually what happens when I pee on the beach

The point is, we still got two freak shows, one who can barely dance.

The whole thing's like a healthy, mobile block party

Then I go out in the crowd and find myself a real fucking bride

Then I got Tarzan to paint it up all sick Picasso style

Then we'll hit them with the old 4th of July Army routine

There is no fucking universe in which I am not doing that fireman routine!

There is something we simply can't give.

There's a casting director comes by the club sometimes, so..

There's no wake here

They're at every single Circle K and 7 Eleven across Florida

They're staying in Charleston tonight, so..

This is what you came here for.

This thing's fucking crazy.

TITO: Ken, you got that Endless Summer Spray Tan Mix?

TITO: Show them how it's done, Mikey!

TITO: That's the plan

TITO: Tiger's out

TITO: Well, you see..

TITO: What? Ha ha

To tell you the truth, I haven't felt this nervous since Desert Storm.

Tobias is going to M.C

Tobias spins out of the other.

Tobias, we're going to Mad Mary's

TOBIAS: Hey, Mikey! What do you think of the truck, bro?

TOBIAS: Hey, what's with this fucking suit, bro?

TOBIAS: What are you, 12? Just take it

TOBIAS: What's up, bro? A little, uh, breakfast of champions?

Today, you are looking at it, brother

Uh..

Uh...

Uh... I don't know. We're about to expand and get a retail spot.

Until I, uh, went to work with Dallas. Yeah.

Until we get the funds to do what we really need

VOICEMAlL: Hey, pal, it's Tarzan.

Wait, your girl gave you a hall pass?

Watch it blow

We can do it anywhere

We can't do that. We got two days

We can't let the train stop here

We do have an M.C.

We got it all planned out. Tobias will warm up the crowd..

We got to get on the road

We had a couple drinks and were like, He's got the girl and the job, and..

We just do it on the way up to Myrtle Beach every year

We need a couple more reliable accounts before I can get a policy for you

We say shit all the fucking time, but you went and did it

We were going to invite you, but..

We were young and wild and free

Welcome back, brother

Well, at least the shit I'm working on can go global

Well, fret not, Casanova. You're safe with me

Well, I don't know. Somebody told me this was a wake

Well, just so you know, my name is Rome.

Well, that's my daughter. Always making new friends!

What about you? Did you bangee?

What am I supposed to do? I should chuck your big ass right off this truck

What are the two most important things you need to take..

What are you even doing?

What are you talking about? Why do you think I came?

What do you say?

What do you think? You said, Seize the day. I ain't missing this shit

What is a good woman?

What was the girl with the black hair's name?

What's up?

Whatever it is, it's fabulous. Put marshmallow in my pants right now

When I came back, someone wouldn't let me in the house

When we were in college and falling in love...

Which what?

White Shadow, meet Mikey

Who are you?

Who cares, baby

Who wants to see if Tarzan died in his sleep last night?

Why don't you come sit right here? Come on

Why don't you enlighten us, Constant Gardener?

Why you got to point at the Mexican when you say steals?

WOMAN [OVER RADIO]: You're listening to the Golden Age of Hip Hop. Only on Spotify

WOMAN: All right, Hypnotize

WOMAN: Are you Native American, Tito?

WOMAN: There you go, that's it. That's perfect

Would you mind sitting for me right here?

Y'all know that was my audition song. Yeah, it was one of them.

Yeah, Dallas

Yeah, I hit you like what you sayin'

Yeah, I know you're still pretty, but..

Yeah, I'm real set here

Yeah, liquid acid. That'll take you back to the original self.

Yeah, please enlighten me. I have to know what this piece of genius is.

Yeah, well, that's just market research, bitch

Yeah! This is like when Justin came back to Backstreet

Yeah! Whoo!

Yeah. Actually, I did

Yeah. Yes, uh, is the answer, but..

Yep, it's the infamous convention

Yes, I know it's too late

Yo, get outta here. Go have dinner with your family. I can do this

Yo.

You do it well, that hide and seek, that don't go tell...

You don't fucking remember that

You get me closer to God

You got off work?

You guys still haven't told me what the fuck y'all are doing in Tampa

You hear that? But you know what?

You hold it up to your ear, you speak into it..

You kidding me?

You know I do, brother. First thing I packed

You know Mercedes. That shit lasted for about two seconds

You know what is lame? Looking like a bag of dicks because we don't have our act straight

You know who does? People who actually have musical taste

You know, it's always the pretty ones, like Bundy

You know, Mike, when I called you...

You know, past those closed doors don't you get tired of everybody trying to tell you...

You let me complicate you

You look good, Mike

You need to hop up off this truck right now.

You really think it's going to work? You think I can pull this off?

You sound just like my ex

You wonder how I'm the best And how I can do all this with my mouth?

You zoom in, you find the shit you can't catch in the mirror

You're destroying sea turtle biosphere with that urine

You're going to have to pay to see that. That's what I am

You're still doing the fireman routine, right?

...I did the best I could. Ha ha ha.

...the technical term is male entertainer. NANCY: Oh, my.

A real one? Yes, a real fireman

Alcohol. Alcohol.

And I..

Are we doing this passive aggressive shit? That's what she said

Are you kidding? Stop being a pussy

Armenian, asshole. Oh, yeah, Armenian

Buy another one, you rich motherfucker. Turn the truck around

Can I help you? Hi. I'm here for the wake

Come on! Just don't hit me in the nuts. Stupid

Do you like that song? Crushes.

Dolly Tits? With a Z

Don't say that. Why? Fuck it.

Get up. We'll get this out in one swing

Good morning. Hi.

Ha ha ha. Fuck, I'm sorry

Heh. ...and we can just cash in

Hell, yeah! Oh, shit

Hey, fellas! Catch and release! No, no, no!

How do you like that, bitch? Oh, I welcome it

How you doing, queen? Good.

I am

I am one, so I seek out my people. Heh

I appreciate that. You just made that up on the spot.

I don't see your point

I think my soul just died a little bit. TITO: I love you, Ernie

I'm not trying to tell you..

It sounds fucking complex. No, it's not

It's like a real wedding except like a fantasy

It's not bad

Just, uh, friends of Megan. Ah.

KEN: Pack the pump? RICHIE: I brought one for you too

Make her day. Be yourself. Show that big beautiful heart.

MIKE: Fuck! KEN: What the hell happened?

MIKE: Oh, that's right. TITO: One last fucking ride, baby

MIKE: You gotta sell this. TITO: Tip of the iceberg, baby. We got..

Mikey Lane, White Shadow. Yeah, we've met

Mostly. Of course, on the inside

NANCY: Well, cheers! All right. Cheers.

No

No, if anybody was jealous, it was me

No, man. It's no problem. Come on, it's fine. Seriously

Oh, fuck! And I do everything with her!

Oh! RICHIE: Shit!

Oh. Really? Yeah

Okay. Yeah. Uh..

Seize the day

Thanks for the ride. No problem.

That wasn't my phone. It was mine

That's gold, right? MIKE: This is amazing!

That's nice, man. MIKE: Yeah, dude, I'm just..

That's not passive aggressive. Let's make it aggressive

They always come back. Mm hm.

They didn't sign the nondisclosure. TORI: Sorry about it

They're throwing rice! KEN: Rice out of our pants!

TITO: Hey. WOMEN: Hi.

TITO: How's the old girl? MIKE: She's good, man. Yeah, I mean..

Wait, what? I'm sorry, what? TITO: Yeah

We're on a mission. Fuck, yeah.

What am I eating right now? TITO: You like that, Mike?

What's up, buddy? TARZAN: Hey, bro

Where you going? Where you headed? Uh..

Win or die, stripper guy. Uh, I say that..

WOMAN: That's protected land, sir! Yo

WOMAN: What is this? It's really good

Wow. Where? TITO: Macaw

Yeah? I got it. Go home

Yeah? Yeah

Yeah. Wow. Okay

Yes, ma'am. All right

Yes, thank you. There we go. I'm done. That's it

Yo, let's go. Yup

Yo! What the fuck are you doing? iPhone went Bye, phone!

You are one? You are one? Mm hm. On the inside

You can find us a spot. You've not been dancing. Look at you.

You can get it..

You dropped your towel. Yeah, just go with it, baby.

You know it

You love drag queens. Ha ha ha. Yep

You still doing it to that KISS song? Fuck, yeah. Hotter Than Hell

You think I'm gonna hook up with you. Mm. That's not at all what I said

[50 CENT'S CANDY SHOP PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

[ALL CHEERING]

[ALL CHEERING]

[ALL CHEERING]

[ALL CHEERING]

[ALL CHEERING]

[ALL CHEERING]

[ALL CHEERING]

[ALL CHEERING]

[ALL CHEERING]

[ALL GROANING]

[ALL LAUGHING]

[ALL LAUGHING]

[ALL LAUGHING]

[ALL YELLING INDISTINCTLY]

[ALL YELLING INDISTINCTLY]

[BANDO JONEZ'S SEX YOU PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

[BOTH SING] For that extra clean!

[CELL PHONE DINGS]

[CHUCKLING] What? Really?

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

[GIGGLING]

[GINUWINE'S PONY PLAYING OVER RADIO]

[GRUNTING]

[GULLS SQUAWKING]

[HOST CHUCKLES]

[IMITATING DALLAS] All right, all right, all right!

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

[INDSSTINCT CHATTER]

[INDSSTINCT CHATTER]

[INDSSTINCT YELLING]

[JEREMIH'S ALL THE TIME PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHTER]

[LAUGHTER]

[MAN RAPPING OVER SPEAKERS]

[MIKE COUGHING]

[MOANS]

[MUTTERS]

[OZZY OSBOURNE'S CRAZY TRAIN PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

[PANTING] How much for the Cheetos and water?

[RAPPING] Young Caroline Give a ****a half your time

[ROME CHUCKLES]

[SIGHING] Yeah.

[SINGING] Hot, hot, hot, hot

[TARZAN SNORING]

[TITO LAUGHS]

[TORI SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

[URINE TRICKLING]

[WHISPERING] Did you bangee?