Madworld Commentators Edit

A great victory for Kojak. This will definitely get him out of Jack Shadow. What is he shorter than Jack or something? It's a figure of speech. I know that. I'm just fucking with you. Good. So you ...

A hug is the shortest distance between Fred. OK, I'm gonna kill you now.

A rose by any other name can still fuck you up.

A stunning sandsmark from Jack. Yeah, that fuckers out to lunch.

A wicked slash your ball. You think Crocker's got a girlfriend? Yeah, but she's probably some Heffer.

After eating that big stinky onion, Jack will be able to knock down enemies just by breathing on them. I used to blow the bastards over with an anus blistering fart attack. Same principle, other or...

Ah man, look at those chumps smacking down. Reminds me of the bad old days. I bet you wish you were back in the game. Fuck no. God get killed doing this shit.

Ah man, that combo makes me feel dirty. It was a little over the top. I think I got some blood splattered on me.

Ah, asshole. I can combine that with another environmental kill and watch your score skyrocket. Asshole in a can is a trademark of bad world. Any use of reproduction without the express written con...

Ah, asshole. They can combine that with another environmental kill and watch your score skyrocket. And remember, fans, try asshole in a can. It's the drink you can eat.

Ah, poor guy. Finally feeling bad for the other contestants. No, I feel bad for the driver of the tree because it probably woke him up.

Ah, smells like victory and burnt hair.

Ah, tossing guys with mouthfuls of mad juice and hot chicks reminds me of my college years.

Ah, you know what? My father died that same way. Really. Was he a competitor on death watch? Nah, just a very unbalanced drunk with the tire fetish. Well, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

All the frying oils used in this game are low end trans fats and partially hydrogenated vegetable oils. Yeah, we wouldn't want any of those assholes dying from clogged arteries.

All this random killing is fine and dandy, Jack, but wouldn't you rather rack up big points fast in a bloodbath challenge? Fine and dandy. What the fuck are you a Sunday school teacher blowing of t...

Amazing spray pattern on that combo jacks. You get bonus points for artistic merit. You should get bonus points for total bullshit.

And here comes bull Crocker with a hard on for a rematch she gonna hard on. You know how they get sperm from a bull they extracted from my ex wife's underwear.

And here comes the pain train. You know how in India it's common for people to ride on the outsides of trains? Sure, these aren't popular over there.

And Jack blows him up. You know those spikes shouldn't blow up like that. You think they should be safer? No, they should have blown up more shrapnel. I think there was something wrong with the bike.

And Jack is on his way to hell. You don't think he maybe he might go to heaven? Ohh.

And Jack is whacked. Get out the body bag. Why you taking home leftovers maybe?

And Jack tosses his arm down the ravine. You know what they say? A rolling zombie gathers no Moss. Why aren't they already kind of mossy? That's what I gather. No, I don't.

And jackets at Tolt from the electric cane, you know, in some countries, though, can you? Just for throwing gum on the sidewalk? Well, do they use electric cane? No, just regular bamboo canes. They...

And lot of kick in the head. Actually. He's grabbing Jack's head and kicking him in the spleen. Suck my Dick, doctor anatomy. It's located right here.

And ten goes back to get his ass kicked all over again. You don't know that that's what he's back for. You might be looking to get chewed in the nuts. Or maybe he's up for a good curb stomping. I h...

And that's it for the ninja. Well, that's too bad. What, you're rooting against Jack now? No, it's just too bad that nice bike got trashed.

And the results are in. What do you make of them? Crease. You know I can't read, you bastard. I know. I just like rubbing your nose in it.

And they say Cowboys are the king of the jungle. They don't say that. Really. Then who's king of the jungle? Lions. Ohh bullshit. Lions can't ride horses.

Another fucking ninja. I've composed a haiku in honor of this moment. Alright, drop it down. Ninja rise from floor. Huh. Red spray paint ceiling and walls. Jack is triumphant. 575 bitches.

Another life for Jack. I used an extra life once and came back as a Roach. Sounds like you got the wheel of karma. Extra life. I actually enjoyed it. You know a cockroach can live for a week withou...

Anybody in the audience betting on Rinrin just lost their pants. By the way, why aren't you wearing your pants? Just letting the boys get some air.

Are the robot factory. You know what? They're built here, don't you? I'll go out on the limb and say robots. Nope. Hopes and dreams. The robots they built here will go out and wreak havoc on the wo...

At least he didn't feel anything except for that fucking train hitting him at 120 miles an hour.

Awesome combo. Seemed a little fishy to me. I'm gonna go kill myself.

Better put the lid down, Jack, or your bitch whore wife will complain that you have no respect for her feelings and start sleeping with the pool boy and played every fucking dime out of you in a br...

Boy, I like the way you can see that guy's bones when he's riding the sign lightning. It's handy for Jack too. Shows him what's left to break.

Bulls eye call that a girl's eye? That ain't no eye? Well, that ain't no girl. They are really care.

Bullseye. I call it a boobs eye. Of course you do.

By dying, he's opened it up for his opponent to take all the points. Also by dying, he stops moving. Amazing observation. I have eyes.

Callously carved cadavers, violent vivisections, and just plain crazy science gone wrong, Sir. That's what's hidden behind the blood spattered walls of the castles monstrous laboratory. Anyone dumb...

Captain, they change that. Cannot take much more. She's burning up. Celebrity voices are impersonations only shitty impersonations.

Check out the drill man. He's packing some major RPM's in that thing. Yeah, he used to have one of those old timey hand drills, but his victims would never stay down long enough for him to really g...

Come on, Kojak. You gonna take that? Sounds like somebody's pulling for Kojak. Hell yeah. Kojak is just evil, Jack. And evil makes everything better.

Cute doll. I prefer my dolls to be inflatable and have three holes to plow.

Damn, Jack nailed that guy faster than than they. What? I'm starting to think of somebody who nailed your ex-wife, but there are too many people to choose from. Should we give out a phone book?

Dang, that's a lot of guys he just killed. Do you think he's cheating? What's cheating and death watch? Hell, they give you bonus points if you cheat.

Do you think Jack meant to hack that guy? No. I think Jack was just signaling to turn. Of course he might hack that fucker. He gets points for it.

Do you think Jackie that knows how to play the game now? No, I don't. That's it? No funny comment? No. From now on, I will only be funny when Jack does something right. Why should I do all the work?

Do you think that garbage can made it hurt any less? Like a Band-Aid helping a nuclear blast hurts less? Great analogy. What's an analogy? It's like anal with an allergy.

Do you think that hurts? No, they don't even feel it. Shit. Who am I kidding? It hurts like fucking hell. Fucking A.

Do you think there's life on other planets? Well, I hope so, Howard, cause at the rate Jacks go and there won't be any left on this one.

Don't worry, Jack. Lots of guys lose the power struggle. Like who? All those dead guys, they seem to be doing OK.

Every one of those chumps equals more points for Jack. Is that all they are to you? Faceless victims to boost Jack standing? Well, yeah, just checking fucking up, Jack.

Every tree that Jack plant saves one square foot of rainforest and wastes one. Sorry loser.

Excellent power struggle by Jack. He totally cheated. Why do you say that? Because I'm a sore loser.

For a box designed to hold stuff, it broke pretty easy, actually. They're meant to do that. It helps the weaker contestants feel good about themselves that they can break something.

For you hippies in the audience, those are hybrid motorcycles. Electric, actually. I think they run on a fuel made-up of veal and baby seal fur. Wow, technology has come a long way. Don't stand beh...

Frank gets in a good shot. Yeah, he's got a 3 foot reach advantage on Jack. Yeah, 9 hard inches of monster cocks. You had to go there, didn't you? Go there. I live there.

Get your motor running, folks, because we are about to ride through this bloodbath challenge. You know what I like better than a motorcycle? Two motorcycles. That's you know that I heard you practi...

God, Jack, you gotta really shake that thing. Shake it like you mean it. You sound like my ex-wife. Don't get any ideas, buddy. I ain't gonna spank your ass and call you Sally. Well, I know. I know.

Gotta tell you, this whole father and son wearing dresses and fighting guys and leather deal skeeves me out. Really. What part? Every fucking part.

Greetings Gore sport fans. It's a beautiful evening on Jefferson Island. Just perfect weather for our unwilling contestants to compete in the Verigan city death watch. My name is Howard Buckshot Ho...

Guess Elise has been burned more than once by guys holding a torch for her. Or maybe she just doesn't like standing next to an open flame, you romantic SAP. Ohh yeah, that could be it. Man, you're ...

Ha ha. Jack's getting beat up by a chick. Lucky guy. I'm touching myself.

He jumped into the tracks. He must have had a crazy reason to do that, huh? What do you mean? You know, a locomotive? Holy shit, I'm gonna push you into a fucking train myself.

He nails the titty target. You're loving this, aren't you? Tails. Yes. Titty target. Titty tugging. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's throwing everything at him with the kitchen sink. Did he throw an elephant at him or a plane or a glass of water? Yes he did. Ohh well, I stand corrected.

He's up, he's down. He's up. He's down. He's up. He's down. He's up. He's down. He's up, he's down, he's up. Shit, I'm feeling out of fucking breath.

Heart disease is the number one killer of men. I wouldn't really call that a disease. Are you a fucking doctor? Well, no. That shut your pie hole. The guy's dead. He hasn't a heart and he's a man, ...

Here come the shamans, the bleeding hearts out, their wine. That fur is murder, and in this case they're Absa fucking lutely right. This pack I made you motherfuckers took my ass off in the O four ...

Here comes Jack as he walks in amongst all those beautiful flowers. Nothing says I'm gonna rip your fucking head off like making an entrance through a bunch of flowers.

Here comes the drill, man. That's what the ladies used to call me before my accident. I had. Well, what do they call you now? They don't call me.

Hey crease, any idea why sumo wrestlers do that stamping thing with their feet before fighting? Ask me another question and I'll sell you to one of those sumo wrestlers so you can be there, dildo.

Hey, did you see how Jack broke her guard before his chainsaw attack? That's how you do it. I don't do it that way. I've never even completed in a death watch game, alright? I should have said that...

Hey, it says here the players are gonna have symbols above their heads to identify them. Yeah, they'll float above their heads. Well, how did they get a symbol of float above somebody's head and ha...

Hey, look what's on TV? It's that show about aliens. That's an alien with a TV jammed on his head. You ning? Nang. Yeah, he's on TV. You really took some hard shots to the head when you were in the...

Hey, that's my move. I invented that. You invented killing somebody with a signpost and a tire? I think so. Wait, maybe it was a jet ski and a traffic home. Not.

Hey, that's not bad, but back in the day I tossed a couple guys in the dumpster. Really watched the chunks fly.

Hey, you think that coin is big? You should see the size of the sodas from the machine you use it in.

His ears must be ringing. It's hard to tell since they're nowhere near his body.

Hmm, smell that crackling zombie flesh, just like Mama used to make. Dude, it smells like rotting shit, just like Mama used to make.

Holy shit, he's jamming 2 poles in him at the same time. When my ex-wife does that, she calls it teamwork.

Holy shit. Did you see that? That's a stupid question. It was a fucking motorcycle blowing up. Of course I saw it was a rhetorical question. I'm gonna rhetorical my foot in your ass if you use one ...

How can eating an onion heal Jack from the insane amount of ass tickery he's been handed? Well, Howard, I'll tell you it's a special onion. It was sauteed and Scotch with mandrel, testosterone and ...

How could Jack miss the target that big? Maybe he's on drugs. I know I am. At least I think I am. Am I? Got any drugs?

How do those happy pills work? Well, there are two kinds. If Jack takes a blue pill, the story ends. He wakes up in his bed and believes whatever he wants to believe. Jack takes the red pill. He st...

How the hell did they come up with the idea of a happy onion? Well, believe it or not, happy rutabaga or happy puffer fish and happy kicking the nuts with a steel toed boot were all taken. I don't ...

How would increase back live with you from area 66? This giant military industrial warehouse has kept at a balmy 87 degrees. Yeah, the things that live here like it hot. If Jack is gonna make it ou...

I believe this is called the two man fencing quadruple thrust and extremely effective move, as opposed to the two man facing quadruple thrust which is just two men fucking each other, but also very...

I can really sympathize with Jack right now and how he feels thinking back to your days on death watch. No, I just hit my funny bone motherfucker.

I can tell you from experience that those happy pills work even better if you grind them up and inject them into the folds of your scrotum. I'll give you a dollar if you can tell me one thing that ...

I can't believe a punk like that snuff Jack. I can't believe you can feed yourself without the help of a trained nurse. But life is full of surprises.

I didn't think Cowboys really wore spurs. Sure, that's how they got the horses to go. Well, I guess my girlfriend was right. Looks like next time she gets to wear spurs and you'll wear the bit.

I don't know if that alien was a dude or a chick, but Jack sure made it his bitch. How do you sex an alien anyway? As often as I can.

I don't want any two and A3 and A4 and A5 and A6 and I get the fucking point.

I guess that's how he rolls. I'll say this slow. She understand? You fucking suck.

I guess the dye here written in blood on the floor is a giveaway, huh? A dead giveaway for that fan. For that fan and.

I hate the way those fucking zombies regenerate. Ohh yeah. They're just like my genital warts. Burn them off and they come back stronger. Nice visual. God damn G dubs.

I hate this son of a bitch Martin. The guys at Giant Robot Console via remote control by some fat fuck chick and shit, too scared to fight for himself. Why did they let him do that? Well, probably ...

I haven't seen a big guy get tossed like that since my ex-wife serviced my lawyer during our divorce. Gross. You watched your wife whack off another guy. They only charged me 50 bucks. It was a deal.

I haven't seen Jack take a beating like that all night. Well, you just saw it. I mean, before this, you fucktard.

I hear that inflating your tires properly will halt global warming. Do you just pull this stuff out of your ass? Yep, that and the purple avenger.

I hope Jack brought enough Donuts for everybody. Doesn't matter. When Jack's done, there won't be anybody left to eat them. Dips are the Donuts.

I hope Jack can rescue those hookers. I have a date scheduled with a couple of them later at the local run and tug.

I know for a fact that fucker can slap the pancreas out of you. That why you piss out of a tube. One of the reasons.

I love this bit. Bouncing those bastards off their seesaw reminds me of my childhood. You must have had a fucked up childhood. You don't even want to know.

I normally don't approve of hitting women, but way to go Jack normally don't approve of hitting women. Didn't your ex-wife get a restraining order after you broke her nose and ruptured her spleen? ...

I slid down a wire once, couldn't jerk off for two days. Took two days to heal, took four weeks to heal. I just have no willpower.

I still don't understand why a city has giant sawblades all over the place. Are you a city engineer? Well, I'm not a city. Well, it's shut the fuck up. They don't come up here and tell you how to b...

I think I saw a Little Beaver when Renren did her combo kick. Really. Come on, Jack. Let her kick you. Yeah, take your kicks like a man, Jack. Then kick him slow, then toss, then slow, then really ...

I think Jack just took out a whole family. Now there was one more brother. We need to find him and get him out of death watch so that all the sons aren't killed. It might be a suicide mission, but ...

I think Jack's forgotten the point of this challenge. Use the engine, you dope. You wouldn't call him a dope to his face. You got that right, you dope.

I think that armor gives the Shogun an unfair advantage. That's the only advantage that's worth anything in this game.

I think that champagne's been corked. Yeah, I bet it tastes like ass.

I think that was a spur of the moment move. Yeah, I'd shove a spur up your ass, but you'd probably like it. Not necessarily.

I think that's against the rules. Let me check. You're right. It is against the rules. What should we do? Change the fucking rules? It's easier than going down there and trying to punish them. They...

I think this is the first time they've ever had zombies participating. Mandart, technically you're right. But a lot of these guys participated in man darts when they were alive. Ohh. Shit, you're r...

I think zombies are just really stoned people. Why? Well, look at how hungry they are and get so slow ride. I actually thought you were going to mention the Patchouli smell. Is that what that is? I...

I used to flatten pennies on the tracks when I was a kid. Then I grew up, got in the deathwatch and started to flatten heads instead. Follow your dream, man.

I wonder what it's like to die. Well, if you're that guy, it means giving your opponent time to take all the points. That's deep. Too deep.

I would hate to be the guy who has to clean that off the wall. Clean it well. It caught it to a paint that's good as new.

I'd love to do that to some of those fucking bike messengers. Those assholes really pissed me off, weaving in and out of traffic and cutting in front of me and having sex with my wife when I'm stuc...

I'm a big fan of that combo. What, no comeback? Or did you say something? I was busy ignoring you.

I'm more of a doughnut hole man myself. Hey, that's code for anal sex, isn't it? Why, yes, indeed it is.

I'm not afraid to die. Why not? Too many blows to the head. I have a hard time with common sense and other rational thoughts.

I'm still holding out hope for Kojak. Most people don't come back from being cut in half. I wasn't worried about that. Kojak is tough. I'm more worried about how he was going to handle the damage t...

I've never seen anybody slam a pole like that. My ex wife's pretty rough, or so I'm told.

I've seen a lot of head smacked off a lot of shoulders with a lot of golf clubs, but I have never seen a head smacked as hard or as far as the one we just witnessed. We love you, Jack. Jesus Christ...

If I was Jack, I'd strip her down and spank her dream on. I am.

If I was that guy, I wouldn't spend too much time in the river. It's got parasites. I think he's got bigger things to worry about than getting the shit. I think I saw his lower jaw get knocked off.

If Jack really wants to distract those zombies, he should wave some meat at them. I've got some meat I can stop right there.

If Jack survives that wind, he can use his steel ball to knock Rim right out of the air. I know Jack has steel balls, but how's knocking rinrin up gonna win this match? I didn't say you should knoc...

If Kojack wins, you gotta give me $500.00. If Jack wins, you only have to give me 250. You're on. Wait a minute.

If she's a vampire, shouldn't Jack be using a silver chainsaw or a wooden chainsaw? Or a garlic chainsaw? Dude, are you off your meds again? Yes. Why?

If you want to see some fast and dirty action, the Jefferson Island Casino is the place to go. The only thing cheaper than the drinks here is the value placed on human life. The higher you roll, th...

In all fairness, Jack should be able to use two chainsaws against this pair in all fairness. What do you think this is a checkers match? I cheated checkers.

In his defense, he doesn't have motorcycles on his planet. Well, on this planet we do. So learn to ride or go home. He's dead. Well, on this planet we're alive. So be alive or go home.

Information about this area is limited, since anybody who's ever known about this place has either disappeared or been lobotomized. Judging from your comments throughout the course of this event, I...

Is that an onion in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me? I know you're trying to do a happy onion joke, but it doesn't work. I know, but I'm trying. Stop trying.

Is that legal for him to be running on the wall? The only thing not legal here is to say something is illegal. Huh.

Is the left one a little bigger than the right one? I knew this chick once who had three nipples. Yes.

Is the left one a little bigger than the right one? I knew this chick one too. Stop. Just stop.

Isn't that signpost tire combo ironic? How is it ironic? Oh, I'm sorry, did I say ironic? I meant fucking awesome. Common mistake.

It seems like Jack carried a black and use a chainsaw at the same time. You know, it hurts me to say this, but Jack is a loser. Why does that hurt you? Actually, death didn't hurt at all. Jack is a...

It's a 12 combo splatterfest, kind of like Octoberfest without the beer. No, nothing like that.

It's a small world, after all. What do you mean? I mean, that globe Jack jammed on that asshole is really small and it's gonna make it hard for him to fight back. Why not just say wait again him wi...

It's an extra life for Jack. I wonder why those other guys didn't grab that extra life. Yeah, it's almost as if they didn't see it. Same with the happy onions and power ups. It's like only Jack can...

It's bad luck to open an umbrella when it's jammed in your guts.

It's bloodbath challenge side. It really a challenge. I mean Jack is tearing through these things at this point. Do you want them to be called the bloodbath non challenge where they have to change ...

It's bloodbath challenge time again, folks. Jack's going to have his hands full this time around. I don't know about that, Howard. These aliens are pretty stupid. I think Jack will be able to outsm...

It's despite express you know you haven't seen this country until you've rode across it in a spike covered train that's ridden.

It's getting ugly down there. Why are you going down there? Real mature. Yeah, I could come back.

It's like he's churning butter. That sentence made no sense to me.

It's quicker to destroy their brains, but there's just something satisfying about torture and zombie. Look. But don't torch. Shut the fuck up.

It's so tough. Not even death can stop him. How is this even possible? How to function? I know I flunked out of Med school. You went to Med school? I wanted to be a gynecologist. You know what I me...

It's some some young poser. What do you mean? He's a master Kung Fu artist. So I'm a master baiter artist and you don't see me bragging? Yes, you do. All the time. Yeah, I guess you're right. I am ...

Jack bang that guy. He banged him hard. Jack is gonna be banging guys all night with that gun around. He's going to bang a whole gang of guys. You're saying there's going to be a gang bang? Yes, we...

Jack better back away or he's gonna get sucked up like dog shit in the vacuum cleaner. You vacuum your dog shit? Well, yeah, I don't wanna touch that stuff. Another housekeeping tip from grease.

Jack better start carving that fucking pumpkin if he wants to stop that fucking zombie brought to you by the letter. Fuck.

Jack better stay away from that smashing hazard. Sometimes the best way to beat the problem is to jump on it and ride it until it's your bitch. It's not a game hint or dating advice. Your choice.

Jack better take the challenge. Those chumps aren't going to kill themselves.

Jack better watch it. That motherfucking mob is halfway up his tailpipe. Speaking of stuff up the tailpipe, I know this hooker who eyes on the road, Howard.

Jack better watch out or he's going to get retired. I don't get it because the other guy isn't tired. You're just fucking with me, aren't you? Oh, hell yes.

Jack better watch out or he's gonna end up as a puddle of Jack juice like that zombie. Technically he's a puddle of goo goop. Speaking of ghoul goop, I'd like to splatter elises behind with school ...

Jack choked hard out there. He sure did. What? No choking joke? Nothing about sex or Dicks or anything. You had me at, Jack choked.

Jack did OK this round. He didn't break any of my records. I don't think he was going for the most time. Shitting your pants record. A record is a record. I got a trophy and everything and the rumo...

Jack dodged those bats better than I dodge my child support payments. You're a deadbeat dad. Proud of it.

Jack forgot rule #1 when fighting Shogun. What's that? Don't get fucking killed.

Jack fucked with the ball and got the horn.

Jack gets wasted, but it was a close one. close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades. What about shuffleboard or darts? Fuck you. I was trying to have a moment.

Jack gives him a love child. If that's your idea of a love tap, I'd hate to see your idea of a rough tap with enough drinks. Ohh no.

Jack gives you meaning to breaking wind. You just in fucking heaven with this windscreen, aren't you? Yes. Yes, I am.

Jack handles his wood like a pro. Nope, won't touch that one. Give me something harder. Ohh. You want hard wood? I got something right there.

Jack has climbed over a mountain of bodies to reach this, the pinnacle of the death watch competition. Here in this amazing stadium, in front of a bloodthirsty crowd of the city survivors, Jack wil...

Jack held the world record for most shit jam that a guy's head for the past three years, as well as consecutive yardage of entrails extracted from enemies, gallons of plasma spattered in 10 minutes...

Jack is killing with the efficiency of an accountant. You paint an exciting picture. Sorry, I have to finish my taxes.

Jack is missing the targets but covering that girl in alien shit. Don't you get a magazine like that alien anal lovers? I let the subscription run out. It had started to go downhill.

Jack is ramming himself against Kojak. So basically Jack is ramming himself against himself. We are watching the most violent masturbation ever. This is nothing.

Jack is taking that ball in the tin. Like who takes balls on their chin? My ex-wife. I got to meet this woman.

Jack is tossing these guys with his bare hands. Do you like the idea of tossing guys with your bare hands? I love it. The idea of two men in the heat of battle. Ohh I get it. That's a hand job joke...

Jack just got poned. He got poned? Don't you mean owned? I don't know. I guess the kids spell it PWND. You're not a kid. You're a fucking fossil. And shit like this just makes it sadder.

Jack just set a record in the long distance for airborne had previously held by t****ze artists and blowjob experts. The flying fuck suckers.

Jack lobs those losers like they were my ex-wife, tossing my belongings out the second story window of our house without Even so much as a warning. I mean, I asked her why, but all I got was the sa...

Jack looked like he was rode hard and put away wet. What does that mean? It's a horse metaphor. Well, what does that mean? He's fucked up. He's sure is. Howard.

Jack looks better now. More proof that there's nothing that a liberal dose of pharmaceuticals won't fix. This message brought to you by drugs. Drugs take them off in indiscriminately.

Jack looks much better after the Happy onion. I always feel better after the happy ending. Not happy ending, you idiot. Happy onion. Obviously you've never fucked an onion.

Jack made that hunk of bolts. This bitch that's hot. Amazing how quickly you can make me nauseous.

Jack might as well wipe his ass with that money, cause those fucking zombies don't give a shit about cash. They just wanna eat brains.

Jack pulled that win out of his ass at the last second. Yes, he did. He really needs to do better or he's gonna get killed. Wait a minute. What? No clever remarks about pulling something out of you...

Jack pushed him off like he was nothing. When I fought little Eddie and pushed him off. I permanently ruptured my hemorrhoid. Ohhh yeah, I know. It's. You're telling me you haven't dropped a deuce ...

Jack really knows how to get ahead. Yeah, it's easy, just cut it off. I know I was making a ohh. Never mind.

Jack rocked up the points. He is on fire, probably from all the lasers. A little water will put that out. It's a figure of speech. Well, you're a figure of shit. Fine. I'm a figure of shit. Can we ...

Jack Rose like a little girl? Are you kidding? Jack throws little girls under moving buses. That was just a bad toss.

Jack Rose like a little girl. Yeah, a little girl could kick your ass. That's any little girl.

Jack should get that guy while his pole is stuck in the floor. That's how the cops got me. Please spare me the details.

Jack slam dunks the fucker and sticks the shot. Fuckity fuck fuck the fuck fuck fuckity fuck.

Jack so tough he's jamming planets on these assholes. You know that these planets are just model planets, right? Big duh. Everybody knows that real planets are flat.

Jack sure is getting a lot of use out of those little daggers. His efficiency is almost scary. Almost. I crapped my pants when that guy's head popped off.

Jack tore that thing. A new one. Technically, he blew out that thing. A new one. Now you would blow that thing. And no one, or anything for that matter. Experimentation is health.

Jack went up and changed the lane. What do you think his strategy is here? Well, I think he wanted to go up and change the lane. You're mocking me. That's my job. No, it's not. Look at my contract....

Jack wins a last tycoon and then I'm through Shogun's armor shed. Fountain flows from Severed Head turning white. Snow red. Dude, you may be a pussy when it comes to fighting, but you would own a p...

Jack wins another power struggle. How many does this make? Nobody said there'd be math, and I don't have a fucking calculator.

Jack, losing that power struggle looked like you at the gym. Hey, lots of people fall off the treadmill. Yeah, not for an hour they don't.

Jack's a little old to be playing with dolls. You wanna tell him that? No.

Jack's dad came over. So what, we just go home now? Are you kidding? My home is a smoldering pile of rubble and twitching body parts. Come to think of it, that's how my apartment always looks. Home...

Jack's found the roulette room, where the wheel is crooked, the game is rigged, and the house always wins. And losing here means you're dead, especially when Jack uses your head as a roulette ball.

Jack's getting a little frisky with that chainsaw, I know what you mean. He'd make more points tapping them with the train. And I think the word frisky is really gay.

Jack's getting dusted out there. I used to smoke dust before a game. Never seemed to help stay off the drugs. Kids drink booze like I do.

Jack's gonna have to fight harder than that or he's gonna get ass fucked by that naginata, not a WADA. That sharp fucking stick the Shogun keeps poking in the Jack. You know anything about fighting...

Jack's got a problem here. These assholes keep healing. I wish my asshole would heal. I got hemorrhoids bad. How is this relevant?

Jack's got a real green thumb when it comes to gardening, more like a red thumb, cause if you know the blood, we coward. Very, very weak.

Jack's got him undressed. Now he just has to convince him that unprotected anal sex is OK. Howard, I think you've got this confused with one of your dating scenarios. Oops. But maybe Jack can still...

Jack's gotta watch it or he's gonna end up like an olive on a toothpick. Speaking of which, who do I have to fuck around here to get a refill on my martini? That big hairy guy over there. Sweet. He...

Jack's laying some pipe now. I thought that meant taking a shit. I thought it meant having some sex. See, this is how wars start.

Jack's like a surgeon with that song. Well, he certainly removes organs. Like a surgeon. As far as putting them back in the right order, not so much.

Jack's lost the power struggle. It's over. It's not over. There'll be several disappointing sequels.

Jack's on A roll, winning yet another power struggle. He's like some kind of crazy ass kicking machine.

Jack's putting out the chips and dip shit now it's a party.

Jack's really overheating there. He better watch out. He'll turn into a fat slob like you, I said overheating, you idiot. Not overeating. And besides, I'm not fat. I'm Husky.

Jacks going spear fishing. And by fish I mean victim. And what do you mean by spear? I mean spear, you idiot.

Jackson County 10 before he uses that chainsaw in this challenge. Counting to 10 in this game can get you killed. Figure of speech, you brain damaged lunch sack.

Jackson it's away from getting sucked to his death, and that's a bad thing because.

Jackson trouble. Unless you can get that guy out of his armor. Maybe he can buy him a drink and slip him some roofie. I know that's how you get dates out of their clothes, but this is different, yo...

Jax taking a big beating. I'm not sure he can win this power struggle. Ohh. I find your lack of faith disturbing. Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good chainsaw in your arm. D...

Keeping corpses spiked on the ceiling is a great use of space for this cluttered old castle. What the hell you think this is a fucking home improvement show? Besides, when the body start to leak, t...

Kojak was robbed. It looked like Jack played fair. No, I mean Kojak was robbed when the alien fuckers went through his wallet while he was in the power struggle.

Last time I saw this course was when I used to play B ball with the Black Baron. Man, those were the days you and the black Baron played basketball? Hell no. Basketball's for pussies. It was a game...

Let's see. Saw is the most dangerous piece of equipment in the playground of death. Who would take their kids to a place called the playground of death? Jack's parents.

Liar. Liar. Zombie on fire, dude, are you an infant just young at heart?

Like shooting fish in a barrel, actually stabbing a signpost through fish in a barrel and instead of fish it's a do. Have you tried thinking? No.

Like shooting fish in a barrel. I tried that with a 12 gauge. It makes a big fucking mess.

Little known fact about aliens. They invented anal probing. Really. I always thought that was you. I wish.

Little known fact about von Twirlin killer. He's also a musician and a very accomplished one. Let me guess, he plays wind instruments like trumpets or tubas or shit like that. Actually, he plays ba...

Little known fact, Jack is quite an accomplished chef. I call bullshit. You made that up. Probably could be.

Little known fact. Downtown Verigan is the crate capital of the world. You are the useless information capital of the world.

Look at him shake like that dude twitching more than a kid playing a video game on crack.

Look at Jack acting like a kid. None of the kids in my neighborhood ever cut off people's heads with a chainsaw. Well, one kid, but it wasn't done maliciously.

Look at that cowboy go. He makes walking on walls look easy. Shit, I could barely walk on the floor.

Look at that crap fly. Any one of those objects could become a deadly weapon. I'd hate to be killed by a puppy up the ass. Puppy up the ass is supposed to be fun.

Look at the size of that big bastards drill. Ooh La La I could finish building my playroom in an afternoon with that thing. Ohh boys and their toys.

Look at them all. Get ready for some big time cluster fuckery. It's cluster fuck alicious.

Look at those fucks chucking those trucks. OK, I'm looking. That's all I got.

Look at those parts fly. They say the whole is greater than the sum of the parts. Well, Mr. Philosophy Major, I just saw that guy's whole sitting in a pile of his parts. Great, no greater.

Look at those pussies. Run clothes are smart pussies.

Looks like he's ready for trick or treat. He'll be getting razor apples from Jack. Hey, those are what I hand out.

Looks like it's time for a bloodbath challenge. It's always time for a bloodbath challenge. There's always room for blood after a bloodbath challenge.

Looks like Jack is really sticking it to little Eddie. He's throwing that lard ass around like a $2.00 whore. It's an extra $0.50 to throw them around. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah.

Looks like Jack is whipping out his meat. Don't you get any ideas?

Looks like Jack just invented a new kind of hybrid car. Yeah, it runs on asshole, which seems to be an abundant fuel source around here. Woohoo.

Looks like Jack released the boss switch and is now able to face the big boss. How do you do that? I guess he got enough points, you guys. Well, I'm not really sure. Some announcer you are. Really....

Looks like Jack should have been a baseball player. You really think so? Fuck no. He would murder the other team, his team, and anybody who didn't get out of this stadium fast enough would at least...

Looks like Jack was being a pussy and relied on his chainsaw a little too much. In my day we didn't have that problem. What did you use? I had a disposable razor on my arm. Did it work? No to the pee.

Looks like Jack's dog tired, Howard. I'm getting so sick of your dog shit. Dog shit? You're doing it too.

Looks like Jack's going to face Kojak in this round. I love Kojak. That dude never, and I mean never gets off his bike. I love it. Why do you love that? OK, honestly, I could give a fuck that he ne...

Looks like Jack's going to that big corral in the sky. You were one of those pussy Cowboy and Indian playing kids when you were ten, weren't you? How fucking what? What were you doing at 10? You kn...

Looks like more roadkill for Jack, who's teaching all these aliens to ride bikes anyway. They are a superior race. So the fuck what? I'm superior to a dog, but I still don't know how to lick my nut...

Looks like Ozzy forgot to shut the door to his fridge again, or Sharon left her legs open.

Looks like the drill man is ready to enter the competition and his drill is ready to enter Jack's ass.

Looks like the human body doesn't bounce off walls the way you would think. It's the bones, you know, I think this guy's bones are all shattered now, so maybe if Jack gave it another try, he'd bounce.

Lots of pretty run-of-the-mill move because Jack ran and then threw the enemy into the windmill, right? Alright, I don't get it.

Lots of sweet little combo. Very acrobatic. Ah, shut up. You just want to stick your Dick in her dank. That's not all I want to do to her.

Mad skill. And they told me a lifetime playing darts and crappy bars would get me nowhere. Dude, it has gotten you nowhere. Jack made the bullseye, not you. I need a drink.

Man, I wish I had one of them. Tornado generators. What would you do with it? Generate tornadoes, you fucknut.

Man, I wish I was telekinetically. I'd never have to leave my chair to get a beer. I could change the channel without using the fucking remote, and I'll be able to wipe my ass without touching pape...

Man, Jack is 1 sick fuck. Who thinks to that kind of shit. I bet the pets in his neighborhood gave him a wide berth as a kid.

Man, Jack is fast. That's what my ex-wife said about me in bed. You know, you don't have to say those things out loud. I can't stop myself.

Man, Jack owned that blood sucking bitch. I'd be happy just to rent her for an hour or so.

Man, look at him go for those Donuts. Yeah, if Jack doesn't kill those guys, the trans fats will.

Man, that guy looks like he was hit by a train, as opposed to being hit by a barrel or a spiky bat or a chainsaw or a tiger. Get your point now. Fuck off.

Man, that shit smells worse than the partially dismembered transient I have hanging in my playroom.

Man, that's awful. What? The way the guys flesh is crackling like a pig on a spit now, the way that asshole is covering up the part of their sign that advertises prime rib for 399.

Man, those living dead motherfuckers are tough. No lie. Cut their asses into pieces and the pieces keep biting your ass.

Money is truly the root of all ass tickery.

Never send a statue to do a man's work, I always say. Have you actually ever said that before? No, now I haven't.

Nice combo. She's just winging it. You know, that was that was the sound of your fucking dig against the back of my face. Thanks.

Nice shooting, Tex. Why do you always have to go and stereotype people? You will have offended my subtle off forgotten sensibilities and I demand a retraction not shooting ambiguously gay cowboy. T...

Nice shot for an airhead. What do you call him? Jack and airhead. You kidding? He'd kill me. I just meant that that head was up in the air and it was a nice shot. But Jack doesn't have to kill you....

Nice slam to the control panel. What does the panel control? Clearly not that victims bowls because he just shit himself.

Ninja rific? Really. Ninja rific? That's the best you got? Fuck you, tastic.

No, dude, you are a total pussy. Fuck you. That was a priceless stained glass window.

No, that's all was a short document in the box collectible. Dude, you are a fucking king geek.

No, this is horrible. I know you were pulling for Kojak, but you're taking this pretty hard. Fuck kojak. He told me that if he beat Jack, I could have his bike. I figured if Jack beat him, I could ...

Normally you think of a spear as a stabbing weapon. It takes a genius like Jack to hack a guy to pieces with one. Or a psychotic killing machine. I'll give you that one.

Not all problems can be solved by sticking things in them. That's what I told the pizza delivery guy when I caught him sticking it to my wife.

Not bad. Not bad. Jack didn't totally suck out there, but he missed a lot of points. Yeah, I was still able to recognize a lot of body parts out there, right? You want it to be a bloody mess when y...

Not only did Jack win that power struggle, I think he copped a feel. Jack showed that girl who's boss. If Jack can't beat the girl, he should turn in his testicles.

Not only does Jack have to figure out what crap to jam into his victims, he also has to time his toss to win the turbines turning. I've always said this was a thinking man's game. Is that why you d...

Nothing like watching 2 grown men, Russell Flash pressed in combat with only the throbbing muscles to save them. My God, even men in the closet think you're a homo.

Nothing says I love you like a bunch of body parts and shrapnel plummeting through the air. Give me a hug, you big romantic long head. I'd rather hug a flaming cactus.

Now that he's got him, I don't think he knows what to do with him. I'd start by putting him down. Yeah, you're a pussy. True.

Now that's a fancy move, yeah? The shamans used to moonlight at a little dinner theater joint downtown until they killed and ate. All the customers snatched. And the show for the shamans? Wow.

Now that's teamwork. He's attacking him. I like to think of those guys as one man team. So basically he's working with himself to beat on the other team. When you put it that way, he's like a well ...

Now we got ninjas in the man darts. Man. I don't know. I never understood ninjas. What's there not to understand? Well, mainly the whole stealthy assassination thing. What's the point of a quiet ki...

Oh man. Now that is what this game is all about. Horribly mutilating another human being. It makes me all warm inside. That guy's warm inside is now outside.

Oh, and that's gotta hurt. Of course it hurts. He just got hit with a big iron ball. Why wouldn't it hurt? Fuck off, dipshit. Just trying to add some color commentary here I was being ironic.

Ohh boy it's my favorite time of the day, really. Time to have some pain. No time to take a dump? Nah, I give up. What time is it? Blood bath challenge time. Whatever. If you need me, I'll be takin...

Ohh Man Thunder and son the fucking father and son geek team. They take all that pissed off I have now so scandals and never get laid energy and channel it into those weedy ass hate sabers that the...

Ohh sure, it's all fun and games until somebody loses an eye dude. That's when the fun starts.

Ohh that's so cute. Just last week they were on training wheels. They grow up so fast and die so young.

Ohh yeah right in the sweet spot dude. It's just a target shape. Like a chick sweet sweet target.

Ohh, he's going to be slow getting up from that. Yeah, but the poop will come out pretty fast. Black.

Ohh, Jack gets walloped wildly with the wind weapon. That comment was brought to you by the letter W.

Ohh, Jack has just found a new cure for hemorrhoids. Yeah, I never seen butt g****s bleed like that. You should try spending 12 hours surfing porn while sitting on the toilet and aid pretty when yo...

Ohh, more fucking bad soon. You're a total pussy. I'm afraid of that. Sue me.

Ohh, that chainsaw attack nailed Jack. It wasn't a real chainsaw, it was just a bunch of bats pretending to be a chainsaw. I'm sure that makes Jack feel much better. Thank you.

Ohh, that idiot just killed somebody he wasn't supposed to kill. I thought you were happy when somebody got killed. I am. But I'm not happy when somebody helps somebody else. I'm torn.

Ohh, that one will have little Eddie pissing blood for a week. Wait a second, it's wrong to piss blood. Are you sure? Yeah, yeah.

Once they start to stumble like that, you can do any fucked up thing you want to him. Same principle as roofies.

One attack to soften him up and another to finish him. Classic combo strategy and you can't spell classic without ass. What the fuck does that have to do with anything? I don't know.

One loser divided by two equals. Wait a minute, nobody said there'd be math.

One more enemy to kill Jack. You think you can pick up the spare? Spare what? Knocking down the last pin standing. It's a bowling metaphor. Bowling. Where do you live? In a trailer? Yes. You've bee...

Ooh, that table would look nice with the zombie centerpiece. When did you become a fucking housewife? Just watch.

Ouch. He just hit a man with a helicopter and the best you got is. Ouch. Yeah, been there, done that.

Out of the frying pan and into the frying pan, I guess.

Out of the frying pan and into the what? You're out of bad punch already. We're not even halfway through the show. Not a commercial. Go to commercial.

Pay attention kids. Jackson joining the benefits of eating his vegetables. Dude, you are so full of shit. Guilty as charged. Everybody knows that vegetables are poison and the only food real man ea...

Personally, I'd bat the bastard into the river for maximum distance. Well, would you rather be out there fighting for your life or up here kicking back and shooting the shit? Ohh here for sure. I'd...

Power struggle. We'll see who's top dog now. Haven't you used that top dog line already? Ohh probably. I lost track on my 3rd March. Yummy.

Pull the zombie to the ground and swing. Watch his head go flying. Remember, the grip is the foundation of your golf swing and developing the right grip is critical to your success. And hitting the...

Red Wings fan knockback moves, sending Jack dangerously close to the electricity and all the martinis. I'm knocking back or sending me dangerously close to an alcoholic meltdown waiter, another mar...

Remember, kids, aliens and sodas don't mix. But if you have to mix them, make sure you're wearing clothes that you don't really care about. You will get wet.

Remember, kids, when you catch on fire, you should stop, drop and roll. This has been a public service announcement from death Watch. We now return to our burning motherfucking zombies already in p...

Reminds me of a joke. Horse walks into a bar, bartender says. Why the long face? What did the horse say? Did somebody beat the humor out of you as a child?

Reminds me of Halloween when I was a kid bobbing for zombies. I dressed up like a Princess. That's not surprising.

Revolting, get it? Volting, because you know electricity is measured in. I will fucking kill you now.

Revolting. Get it? Volting because you know electricity is measured in words and stab you in the eye.

Revolting. Get it? Volting. Because, you know, electricity.

Right on the left target. Now just the right one is left and the one below. Oh yes, the one below.

Ring around the zombie pocketful of what rhymes with zombie fucking idiot that doesn't rhyme.

Screaming doesn't help, but it's serious. Splendeur listen to you.

See, here's an example of how automation is taking good kills away from real people. You know, pretty soon these games are going to be fought entirely by robots.

Shit. Talk about your fucking brain freeze. What? When Jack finished the combo by tossing that guy in the freon? Ohh no, I totally missed that. I'm talking about what just happened to me when I chu...

Short toss. Put your back in a Jack. Yeah. You feel nice and safe telling Jack what to do from the security of this booth, don't you? Yes, I do, Chris. Yes, I do.

Smell the burning ozone. I think Frank just shit his pants. Stop. That was me. Where do they get these crap sandwiches? They serve us a dumpster.

So anybody standing under the chandelier gets squashed. Wow. Who the fuck is the interior decorator in this dump, Mr. Fuck? Well.

So I guess you could consider this some sort of twisted foreplay. Twisted in what way?

So is this guy really a Baron? No, it's a matter of fact. He's not even black. Really. He looks like a black guy. Why does that matter? Why do you have to bring race into it? I didn't. I just asked...

So the deal here is for Jack to grab as many assholes as he can and toss them over to that big bitch slapping monster, Paul Exactamundo. And in the bonus time, the handle go crazy and all those sma...

So this is the Cowboys 10th time. Here at the games he's become a regular fan favorite with his flashy moves and lightning fast quick draw. Our Li hate that prick. When we fought, that dirty bastar...

So what kind of advice would you give these guys to help them win? Don't die. You, Sir, are a tactical douchebag.

So what's in those bottles anyway? Mad juice. And do I wanna know what mad juice is? Probably not.

So will those piranhas turn into zombies from eating that filthy undead ghoul flesh? Ohh, piranha zombies. I like it.

Solid head, he should try for a double. I tried to double with a donkey and a dwarf. I walked with a limp for a week but the dwarf grew 6 inches. If you know what I mean. I know too much already.

Some say we all wear masks to hide our true selves. Your true self is a moron, and there ain't a mask big enough to hide it.

Sounds like my ex-wife screaming when I walked in on her having sex with another guy. She screamed because she scared her. Nope, she screamed because she said I was embarrassing her in front of the...

Stick around, buddy. What's that guy's name? How should I know? Well, you called him buddy. Fuck you. It's not my fault you don't have any friends. That's it is.

Sweet Jack not only defeated Yokozuna, he killed thousands by triggering a volcanic eruption. Jack is the man.

Tack, toss that guy harder than you toss in the back of a strip club. Fuck off. I'm totally kidding. You sit in the front. Damn straight.

Take that crate. What do you got against crates? Nothing. I just like yelling at inanimate objects.

Talk about your shit sandwich. OK, let's talk about it. I meant, you know, because Jack just used the sandwich sign on that guy. No, I know what you meant. Let's talk about what? There's nothing to...

That bitch is shaked and baked. And does that mean that Jack won the power struggle? Yes, it does. And why can't you just fucking say so? I'm an announcer.

That bull had more poles sticking in him than my ex on a Friday night, and he ended up spiked against the wall, leaking fluids on the floor. The similarities are uncanny.

That chainsaw can't do shit against that cane. Jack's gotta take a page out of your book and do it by hand. Are you saying I flogged the sausage too much? Only if you consider 24 hours a day, 365 d...

That change starts not cutting it. Jack's gotta go bare handed against the Baron. Yeah, it's always better. Bareback, I said bear handed, you idiot. No wonder your crotch smells like a compost heap...

That fucker is looking a little pushed. Speaking of Bush, do you prefer a muff or a landing strip on me or the hooker? Cheers.

That fucking fan flourish, move and ring rings is more annoying than dangerous. Yeah, but getting annoyed is dangerous. In that case, you make me very, very dangerous.

That guy has a can do attitude. Do I need to say it? Allow me. I suck. Thank you.

That guy is getting rammed from behind harder than your ex-wife, although to her credit, she doesn't buckle like that or leave skid marks.

That guy should have planned ahead. Sometimes you make me want to cut my own head off, but then I think better of it. Suicide is never the answer. You're absolutely right. That's why I figure it wo...

That happy pill completely healed Jack. Wow. I guess drugs really are the answer. What was the question?

That happy pill put some life back into Jack. Yay. Jack's high on life. You Sir. Alright. Fucking idiot. Thank you for calling me Sir.

That hot vampire hard body can blow out my candle anytime she wants. Yeah, why would she want to do that? She goes after real men like Jack. Why must you shit on my dream? I don't know. Maybe becau...

That hundred sword bad attack is nasty. 100 sword attack? Wasn't that a gangbang movie? Yeah, now that was nasty.

That last hit messed up the barons. Nice shades. Yeah, I lost a pair. Just like. Son of a bitch.

That meat is great for distracting those fucking zombies. I would think they preferred live me they do. But think of it this way. Do you wanna nail a young, hot 18 year old girl? Of course. But if ...

That reminds me of an old saying, fountain LED zombie dead. Now the one I was thinking of was. I sure love watching Jack killing fucking zombies. Mine was better.

That reminds me, I gotta make an appointment to see my proctologist. Anything serious right now? We're just friends. Now.

That reminds me, I gotta score some horse when this thing's over. Horse or horse? Both, actually cool.

That seems a little excessive. Is this your first time watching the show? Do I need to explain the rules to you?

That sucker's potted. Is that a drug reference? No. But this is. Sweet.

That thing literally made mincemeat out of him. You gotta love these modern conveniences. Seems kind of dangerous though, don't you think? Grease. Only if you're down there. I mean, from up here, t...

That was a brutal wipeout, but statistically, motorcycles are still the safest form of transportation. Wow, really? Fuck no. Are you kidding? More people die in those things by accident in one minu...

That was an impressive orgy of death. You should visit my dungeon after the match. Ohh show you an impressive orgy. I bet you will tiger.

That was shocking. Now you letting something go by without saying a shitty pun would be shocking.

That windmill is an environmentally sound method of killing zombies. Just another example of Jack giving a little something back to our ailing planet. I got the fucking saying.

That'll teach that prick not to wear a helmet. A helmet probably wouldn't have helped there. Well, it could have helped part of his head together when he hit the pavement, too.

That's a clever solution to a thorny problem. Wow. The shit you say sometimes makes me want to smack you.

That's a nice ass kicking. That's a nice ass. Period.

That's a start. Now Jack needs to light that pumpkin up and burn that zombies ass. Technically, wouldn't that burn the zombies head tactically? Go fuck yourself technically. Fuck you, fuck you.

That's dude, you're a total pussy. What's your fucking problem? All those bats are driving me batshit. Ohh yeah sure. Blame the bats.

That's fucking heartless. Do you mean Jack's move or the sorry asshole he just carved? Or did I create confusion?

That's gotta hurt. I don't know about that. That crate actually broke real easy. I'm talking about the splinter he got. I hate those things.

That's horrible, the violence finally getting to you. Oh, no, no, no. I think it's horrible that Jack missed an opportunity to get a triple combo.

That's horrible. What Jacks performed worse combos than that? Yeah, but he threw away a perfectly good sign. Ohh, kitten.

That's it Jack nailing from the high. Ohh. Shit, I just had a prison flashback.

That's it, Jack. Show that hillbilly who's boss? I think he's a cowboy. Our potato, potato. They both fucked their sisters, don't they? Not everyone comes from your family.

That's it. They're dead. Too bad they had season tickets to the Verigan City Geek con. They rented a booth and everything.

That's ombie. Took a lot of punishment, but in the end he was all wet. You are an enormous tool. You are what you eat. Hey, wait a minute.

That's quite a pile up out there. Reminds me of my riding days. Did you ever have a crash like that? What with a group of aliens? Just a couple of times when we were really drunk.

That's right, make like a tree and leave. How much brain damage did you sustain in these games? That.

That's the trick that stopped me cold in the 98 games. All that money. Oh, that pretty, pretty money.

That's what I call a heart attack. That's what I call a dickwad comment. You're a hateful man.

That's what I call burning the zombie at both ends. Why do you call it that? Cause the zombies burning at both ends? Ohh.

That's what you have to do to those clingy bitches. Shake them the fuck off your back. You know what you need? Some sensitivity training and stuff. I call them like I see them.

The baron's getting a little wobbly and that looks like he's humorous, sticking out of his arm. Humorous, huh? I guess it is kind of funny.

The big bastards. Pretty handy with that pig sticker. Just watch Jackal fixes bacon, or settle his hash or any number of breakfast related food metaphors. I'm getting hungry.

The boss switch is unlocked, Jack. Pull it to release new enemies because you know there aren't enough fucking enemies out there already.

The funny thing is that guys just the gardener. You can't see a fucking thing out of that mask and thinks the jacks are hedge he's supposed to trim. That's not funny.

The gates of the boss has officially been open. Oh, I'm so excited. I think I got a little chubby. You too. No, I was just joking. Me too. I was just joking.

The only thing better than a AA triple I know what would be better? An 8 ball and three tranny hookers.

The rules of the Terminator challenge are pretty simple. Grab as many assholes as possible and toss them into the jet engine. Turbinate multiple motherfuckers for a big bonus and a big splatter. Ja...

The switch for the bloodbath challenge where do you think they keep that thing? One of the mysteries of life. Oh.

The wheel of Karma is rolling towards Jack. I'd have to call that the wheel of dogma. What are we talking about? I have no idea. Good times.

There comes rinrin, the fantastic Kung Fu queen Creese. Didn't the two of you have a thing a while back? If by thing you mean a 5 minute fight that left me spinning teeth and pissing blood, yeah, t...

There's an old saying where I come from. Water clear. Zombie near Water Red zombie dead. Really. What the fuck do you come from?

There's more parts flying out there than when I put my Dick in a blender full of pickled herring. Why would you do that? Well, I like penis coladas.

There's something about the sound of a grown man screaming in terror that just makes me happy. It's the little things in life. Hmm.

These guys remind me of my ex-wife. Throw them a beating and they come back for more. Gee, I wonder why she's your ex. That was slathered with sarcasm.

These missiles are giving me flashbacks. The war now high school metal shop. They look like my old bong.

They say discretion is the better part of valor. I say discretion is the better part of being a fucking pussy.

Think of the dexterity it takes to do that combo. Where did he get the match to light those firecrackers?

This challenge is exactly like golf, yes, except instead of hitting golf balls, you hit the heads of the assholes you push to the ground. Besides that, though, it's exactly like golf. Exactly. Exce...

This drafty castle was moved brick by brick to Jefferson Island from eastern Zombie Kistan over a century ago. Unfortunately, along with the bricks came that country's most important export sobies....

This dude's got some moves. Names tangu his Roundhouse kicks. The reason I walk with a limp and piss blood sometimes, and the other times you piss blood, well, that's from the unprotected sex.

This guy obviously does not know Jack. Why do you say that? Well, because the Jack somebody holding the barrel over their head means please shove this up my ass. Maybe the guy likes that kind of st...

This is balls to the wall action. I don't know if it's balls made it to the wall with all the damage that signing garbage can did.

This is it. The final match with the final boss on the final stage. Finally, this special stage, featuring an incredible panoramic view of the devastated Vargon city was created to allow the two to...

This is more fun than a barrel of monkeys. If you think about it, a barrel of monkeys wouldn't be fun at all. They'd be all claustrophobic and covered with monkey shit, and they'd probably tear you...

This is the airhead that blew my ass away in the Cuba games. I still have a collapsed lung from that match. Now I have to smoke twice as much weed to get high.

This is what we've been waiting for, folks. Put the kids to bed because you don't want them to see this. Did you really want them to see everything up till this .0? Sure, why not? Don't want to rai...

This just in Jack's third arm is looking a little hot right now. I thought it was called his third leg. I was talking about the chainsaw. Ohh, I thought you were checking out his ebook package. We'...

This oughta be good. Jack and Elise are grappling harder than two virgins on prom night. Who the hell still a virgin by the time they're at their prom?

This should be a great struggle. Come on Kojak, treat them like a $0.50 whore. Don't you mean $2.00 whore? Hey, times are tough. Fail out.

This troubling dirge factory church is one of the oldest cathedrals in Verigan city. Once a beautiful tourist attraction, it's now been declared a public safety hazard and is scheduled for demoliti...

This wanton destruction of property has just got to stop. Are you serious? No, I think it's great. Keep that rebel tumbling.

Those bats are trashing the place. That's exactly why you should never let a flock of bats crash at your house during spring break. That doesn't make any sense.

Those crates are hundreds of years old, so it's no wonder they break so easily. You are hundreds of years old. Would you break that easily? Probably.

Those electric pig stickers could hack ash chunks like butter, and you can't spell butter without butt. I can't spell it all.

Those sabers don't look very heavy. No, they're surprisingly light. They are very light sabers.

Those tools are great when you wash them down with a little Scotch. I like to wash down my Scotch with a little Scotch. I like to wash down the Scotch that I poured that Scotch with with a little m...

Times a wasting Jack. Who the fuck says a wasting fucking wordsmiths fucker? Ohh shit. Call rogez.

Tires burn forever. Thank you, Mr. Science asshole nerd.

Tom, Jack, follow the star, pull the switch and start the bloodbath challenge. We'll just keep calling you a half a fag until you do.

Wait a minute. Hold on. What's this shit they want me to read? You're supposed to explain the rule. I'll suck that noise. I'm just gonna say kill people, get points, don't die. That's what the pape...

Waving money at a zombies a waste of time. Like trying to scratch your ear with your elbow. I can lick my eyelids with my tongue. I want a zombie to eat the part of my brain that image is stored in...

We are about to find out the answer to that age-old question. Who's tougher, a giant killer robot or a psycho with a chainsaw on his arm? Finally.

We toss I've shit farther than Jack and throw.

Well, at least he gets a refreshing beverage on his way to massive injury.

Well, at least that guy lived a good life. Let her know he looks pretty young, I said. Good. Not long. Besides, the older you get, the less happy you are. Amen.

Well, that fucking zombie's gone out of sight, out of mind. Jack's definitely out of his mind.

Well, that zombies ready for all we now, but that's pretty much it. Yep, pumpkin head on Walking Dead equals that. What's up with chicks on Halloween? Why did always dress like sluts? Count your bl...

Well, that's it for him. I've composed another haiku in honor of this moment. Break it down for me, man. Dipshit on cycle, chainsaw, slice, vertical cut bike, and man are trash. Fuck. They got.

Well, that's just as pretty as an aerial bombardment seen through night vision goggles. Greece. You are a hopeless romantic, I know.

Well, this must be their filthy alien spacecraft. Look at all those switches and dials. These assholes are very enterprising. Ah.

What a move. Those bikes should come standard with a chainsaw. I don't know if that'd be practical. Practical. What the fuck about any of what we've seen today is practical? It would just be cool.

What a tragedy. I know tires are expensive. I think they can be patched. God, I hope so.

What do you think happens to those guys when they get zapped up there? Probably a drug induced coma and a whole lot of anal probing. Sounds like my last birthday party.

What the fuck was that Jack winning the power struggle? No shit Dick wad. I mean how could Kojak lose Jack? Beat him? Ohh. I understand now.

What's amazing to me is after all that the candles are still wet.

What's Jack doing out there? He's thinking on his feet and kicking ass. If that were you out there, you'd crap your pants and die. Actually, I'd probably die before I crapped my pants. When people ...

What's so interesting about Ohh money?

What's the deal here again? Jack needs to hit the sexy girl target with the spider to get bonus points. He can also kill an enemy with the bat, but there's no bonus for that. Just that good killing...

What's with this guy being so needy? He's putting on quite a show. I know. I just wish they'd pay attention to me like that. Does somebody need a hug off?

When those wankers wobble, they're sitting ducks for any shit you want to pull on them. Could you write I huff hobo? Choke on their foreheads with lipstick? You could, but it wouldn't help you win ...

Where the fuck did Jack go? Hey, I think he went to a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as Infinity. Why? He went to the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superst...

While other fighters sit around beating their meat jacks, actually beating the zombies with me, you're working pretty hard just to make a jerk off joke. That's why my fans love me. They're the ones.

While those bats are like a one man wrecking crew, except that there's a whole flock of them and they're not men but bats. Thanks for the clarification, Howard. Why don't you go take a big shit and...

Whoa, that's not very gentlemanly to throw Obama to, woman. She's trying to fuck him up with giant fans. I think he could throw whatever the fuck he wants at the bench.

Whoever has to clean up this mess is going to have a hard time pulling all the shit out of that guy. It's almost as if Jack hates the cleaning crew.

Whole hum Jack wins another power struggle, yadda yadda yadda. I don't think your heart tending anymore. I get paid when lose or draw.

Wicked move. Jack didn't even let him hit the ground here. Pat wouldn't have made a difference. That guy was dead the moment Chad decided to be in the game.

Wow, I can smell the stench of burning undead flesh through the fucking video feed.

Wow, that beam sucks guys faster than my ex-wife. Hold on, I wouldn't give the beam too much credit yet. Still got a lot of guys to go to reach your access numbers.

Wow, those French people cutters separate the men from the boys. Or at least they separate the zombie tops from the zombie bottoms. Hit the owl.

Wow, tough loss for Jack Kojak. If I didn't think he'd cut me with your chainsaw, I'd hug you.

Wow. Jack puts the mash and mashing niblick. That's a pretty inside golf term. You play a lot. Never. That's the poor Sap's name. Nashy niblick.

Wow. Jack spun the shit out of that thing. Do you think he planned for it to happen like that? I don't think he didn't plan for it. What? I'm not going to repeat myself.

Wow. One more and he would have qualified as a serial killer.

Yeah, Jack, open up those stinking Grays and show us the color of their inside. What color is that? I'm not sure. It's not red, though. Fucking aliens.

Yeah, put that in your pipe and smoke it. What does that even mean? I always just assumed that it meant I should smoke crack. That's just sound advice. Gotta rock.

Yes, awesome. That was awesome. Did you mean awesome? I totally meant awesome.

Yikes. I think that's it for Jack. You think Jacks decapitated, for fuck's sake. Yeah, well, he's pretty tough.

You don't win the match by running away, no, but you do keep your chitlins attached to your soft end tenders.

You got to be pushy to win against this guy. That was weak, I know, but Jack is strong.

You know it's smart of Elise to eliminate her weakness. You mean her weakness for exotic drugs and sex with tranny hookers sell you moron or weakness against fire? Ohh, right? Those other things ar...

You know what I don't get? I don't get why they call him little Letty when he's so fucking big. I think it's supposed to be ironic. What? You know, the use of words to express something other than,...

You know what that title means? Blood bath challenge. I'm embarrassed to admit that I can't read. Really. That's pathetic. I blame our schools.

You know what the worst part about fighting all these guys is for Jack? They could overpower him. No, he won't be able to enjoy each kill on an individual basis. He has to kill them in ball core guy.

You know what they used to call that combo in the old days? What poorly developed character fucked up? That pretty much sums it up. Poorly developed.

You know what's in those drums that are burning? What hobos make sense? Cheaper than wood and better for the environment.

You know, at first I thought that Chick looked familiar. Now with all that shit on her, I know who she is. She your ex-wife? How? Hold on. Let me put this leather mask on. Hey, you're right. It is ...

You know, Chris, those giant turtles are an endangered species. You're right, Howard. And that's why I feel compelled to stand up and say that because of the fact that those turtles are endangered,...

You know, head injury is the leading cause of death in motorcycle accidents. You know, I think Jack's about to beat that statistic. Or at least beat that ninja's ass.

You know, I get the feeling Jack could just do this all day. You know, Chris, if you love what you do, then you never have to work a day in your life. Howard, that guy is definitely not working.

You know, I hear if you do that to a frog, it does the same thing. Why you gotta be so cruel to animals? That's a sign of a sociopath. Aren't you the one who participated in and one death watch? Ye...

You know, I like a guy who sucks as much as the next guy, but this blood hungry bitch can give a Hickey that'll put you in the morgue. Yeah, I fought her in the Eastern Bloc games and lost the matc...

You know, it would have been easier than a helicopter. What? Anything.

You know, little Eddie is the runt of his family. I know I dated his sister. She must have been huge. I used to sit on her shoulder when we went anywhere. It's OK, though. She had huge knockers. I'...

You know, on that first version of Martin, he shot those out of his crotch. I remember that the sensors made him change it because they said it made the death less family friendly. I wouldn't let m...

You know, seeing that makes you stop and appreciate not having a spike jammed up your ass. Truer words was never spoke.

You know, they say it's not the size of the missile that matters. Yeah, that people say that have tiny missiles. And by missiles, I mean they're Dicks.

You know, Verigan City gets 60% of its power from safe. Clean wind energy wasn't so safe for that zombie. Not so clean either. Fucking zombie parts everywhere.

You mess with the bull, you get the horns. Yeah, it's sometimes you get the cock too.

You mess with the bull, you get the horns. Yeah, you'd like those horns, wouldn't you? Too sharp.

You think that bike buys the ninja in advantage? Ask me in a minute when he's got a tail pipe up his ass.

You think you can see his house from up there? Probably got other things on his mind, like what the train?

3 groins in the fountain? That is fucking obscure, dude, even for you fuckers can look it up.