Nick Swardson Soundboard Edit

Alright man. You guys got a universal remote controls in there for a shower curtain or Batman for television? Hmm. I don't think so. Maybe for a blanket. You got a remote for a blanket?

Can't believe you came on my mom.

I always get a I always think it would suck to be like a attracted to animals. I'm gonna go out on a limb on that one too. Bring a lot of racy ground tonight. Being single, it's weird animals don't...

I heard a rumor.

I'll wait. Listen to me. Look, they're not gonna kill you, all right? They're just dropping off the cookies I ordered. They looked very aggressive. People want to beat me up. Trust me, you'll be fi...

I'm challenging you, Jeff. To what game? Dance dance revolution? That's great, Bobby, but we don't have dance dance revolution, so you're dumb.

I'm not afraid of the sun anymore. That's good, buddy. As the moon treating you, not a fan.

I'm sorry, dude. I don't even work here. I'm just waiting for my friend. You're kidding me. Actually, yes. I don't have any friends. Will you be my friend?

Let me guess, was your Dick on fire?

My name is Amir Harry. My name is Jerry.

Nick Swardson Weak

Oh, and I'm still going to kill you someday.

Ohh, my doll is a whore.

Outside. Bad. It sounds scary. It's not. It's not. My friend, he wants to hurt me. One favor.

Root cup. Nice. Way to go, mom.

Shits weak

So.

This shit's weak.

You sure this is OK? Yeah, it's totally cool. Just keep your voice down. My roommates were sleeping. You mean your parents? Yeah, same thing. Nice jammies. Thanks Sir, present for my roommates.

Your bed is a car. Yeah, but it's a fucking sweet car.

うわあ。