Steven Wright Soundboard Edit

But that's my favorite thing ever.

Doesn't matter what temperature room is, it's always room temperature.

I bought some powdered water but I don't know what to add.

I didn't think about how I talked. I didn't think about how I looked. I didn't think about anything. All I thought about it was material.

I have never seen electricity.

I have two brothers and one sister. My sister has three brothers and no sisters.

I remember the first time I ever went to sleep.

I remember when I was seven, my grandmother said, Steven, come over here. And I said, what do you mean?

I was thinking about the new phone that I bought and the first thing I did was push redial.

I'm seriously saying this stuff. I don't have time to be laughing.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

My uncle was a clown for Ringling Brothers Circus. And when he died? All his friends went to the funeral in one car.

Once I went through a stop sign, they stopped me. They said, why do you go through the sign? I said, hey, I don't believe everything I read.

One day, she said you want some pancakes? I said no, I don't like pancakes.

So I get out of the bed, I figured I'd go for a walk, she said. How long you gonna be going? He said the whole time.

So I got off the plane and I forgot to undo my seat belt and I'm pulling the plane through the terminal.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That kills me.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Whenever I think about the past, it just brings back so many memories.