Citizen Khan Soundboard Edit

A late addition, a charity auction. Oh, come on!

A man doesn't care what his bride is wearing

A single man, lives on his own,

A stupid woman with a big bum

A tribal nation, ready to defend our family honour

A water buffalo with lipstick

A-ha! Here we are

Aah, assalaamu alaikum. Mr Mohammed, how are you doing

Absolutely not. Shazia, these things are best left to the professionals

Accompany him, like proper businessman!

Actually, ladoo, I don't really want to go. The bullies might be there

Actually, Mr Khan, I was going to sit there. Well, sit somewhere else

After all, we have Kim Kardashian

Ah

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!

Ah, here is Mr Khan now

Ah, see- All back, safe and sound

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah! Asalaam Alaikum

Ah! We meet at last

Ah. I tell you. I love this girl

Ah. That's got it

Ahhh

Alia, go and pack your bags

Alia, go get Monopoly for Mrs Malik, huh

Alia, sweetie, you can't be a model. What about your exams

Alia, take Brian into the kitchen. You can interview her there

Alia, what are you doing- Put that away

Alia, your mother is upset. Bring fresh cup of tea

Alia's already a model. A model of a perfect Muslim daughter!

Alia's trip is part of her studies

ALL BESIDES MR KHAN- Oooh!

ALL BESIDES MR KHAN- Wa alaikum assalam. Hello, Dave

All for show, no doubt

All proceeds going to the charity appeal fund

All right, don't take it SO seriously!

All right! Put her down, will you

All right. Good, smashing, smashing, smashing

All right. Well, then, goodbye, Mrs Malik

All the centres

ALL the people of Sparkhill

All those in favour

All those... Motion carried

ALL- Oooh!

Almost like a son, she is!

Am I going to get a parking space

Am I- Yes, of course! Look at you

Amjad

Amjad doesn't need parenting lessons from you

Amjad forgot to book the mosque- I don't believe it

AMJAD SOBS

AMJAD SOBS Come on! Come on!

Amjad, Amjad, Amjad

Amjad, come over here

Amjad, I'm trying to teach you how to stand up to bullies

Amjad, if you want to be intimate, just text her. That's what I'd do. Isn't it, sweetie

Amjad, you have to stand up to bullies

Amjad! Come on, bid!

Amjad. Thank you, sir

Amjad... Oh, hello, Debbie Does Doncaster

Amjad's got something to tell you!

And

And a silly, old-fashioned suit

And anyway, you can't go around impersonating mosque managers

And Auntie Noor's coming with me as my chaperone!

And booked her parents to go on holiday with them

And bring one for her too

And everyone says, Wow, that Mr X, he's a very generous man

And explain everything about...you know, tang tang

And he looks more like Baa Baa Brown Sheep

And he's really into the cricket and he might try to get you to watch

And his pads. And his helmet

And how she should be a model. Even the imam

And how to be a better Muslim

And I am not going on holiday with Mr Khan,

And I couldn't find any little brown people,

And I don't want to see that thing round here again, all right

And I don't want you getting your claws into him

And I realise he's my one true love

And I start running towards them, and we run faster and faster

And I will do it... Er, I have done it. It's booked, done

And I would have to kill myself

And I'm paying for this bloody wedding, don't forget

And iron my shirts

And it'll all be tickety-boo

And look out for our neighbours

And make sure you sit down! I don't want any splashes!

And Mr Zaheer is finally having his procedure done

And no charge for baby-sitting today

And plastic surgery

And shame

And she's clever and funny

And spying on your neighbours

And sweet, and kind

And that funny bloke at number 28 has had his extension out too

And that, inside, they're just cowards

And the dance area could go..

And the next thing you know, the covers are off,

And then I see someone running towards me along the beach

And then next spring, out popped little Shazia

And then ****stan won!

And then there would be cancellation. I know this!

And then we meet and I look up at him

And then we tried that thing I read in Woman's Own. Oh, God!

And there's an amazing club near the campsite. It's going to be wicked

And they just need a firm hand. Argh!

And they might not vote to name the community room after you

And they said they'd never seen results like it!

And this one not so much

And to be honest, I don't find him all that... How can I put this

And Travel Agency has made a very generous donation to the mosque

And use the facilities here

And we all get on really well, don't we

And we had to work out whodunnit

And we listened for two hours on my transistor radio

And we stayed in that rickety old caravan. I can't remember

And what about our honeymoon, have you thought about it

And what's your name, young man

And you are- Mr Khan, community leader

And you can get to know each other better

And you can't look after yourself any more- Hmm- Hmm

And you just get on with your studies

And you might think, Well, there's no harm in watching

And you, my darling

And you've been caught out by his googlie!

And- What

And, anyway, she'll be home later and you'll see for yourself

Any advance on a thousand pounds- Anyone

Any time I came within 500 metres of their house

Any woman would be lucky to have you

Anyone for a virgin mojito

Anyway, I must be going

Anyway, Mrs K only goes and suggests nappies!

Anyway, she won't be thinking that for much longer

APPLAUSE

Are they not- No. Boys are bad. They only have one thing on their minds

Are you coming to the Women's Group day trip- No!

Are you going to bid- In a minute

Are you going to say something

Are you texting someone- No. I'm praying to Mecca

Are you the one with the extension out

Aren't you forgetting something

As it is, she's always looking down her nose at us,

As you all know, Mr Butt, proprietor of Butt's Luxury Carpet Emporium

Asalaam Alaikum, Mr Khan. Waleikum asalaam, Riaz. What are you up to

Ask anybodys, they all know me

Ask not what your association can do for you,

Ask your father. He's in charge of the house today

Assalaamu alaikum, Mr Khan. Wa alaikum assalam, Riaz

Assalaamu alaikum, Mr Mohammed. You all right- How's Mrs Mohammed

At a Turkish beach resort

At last. Thank God for that. Now, on to the agenda

Aww, there you go! Thanks!

Baas. CLEARS THROAT LOUDLY

Baby-and-toddler turnover is up 200% in a week

Bathroom now only open between 7-00 and 8-30

Because I'm white- Because you're ginger

Because if Mrs Khan comes, then that also means that Mr Khan comes,

Because it costs money!

Because let me tell you, Mrs Khan, they certainly do

Because you were watching the cricket

Before Shazia gets married

Best thing for you to do is just apologise for everything

Bet you can't wait to get away

Better take two, huh- Indian restaurant

BHANGRA MUSIC

Bit of a mix-up, you're not coming on holiday with us

Blimey!

Bloody cheek!

Bloody hell! Thank you, a proper bid at last

Bloody Maldives-!

Book the mosque, but you, oh, no..

BOTH- Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!

BOTH- What-!

Boys- I didn't know anything about boys

Brian Halcox, store manager. I'm your lovely wife's boss

Brian said he would consider letting Alia do her work

Brian says I could be management material

Brilliant

Budhoo, Mum thinks her and Dad are coming instead of Matt and Debbie

Bully me. Bully you, sir- Yes, come on. Bully me. Goad me

Burying dead people. Oh, of course

But apart from that..

But I didn't ask for help for my wife's leaky plumbing

But I might want someone to hold my hand

But I only have room for one, so..

But I thought Shazia was as happy about this as I am

But I'm bursting

But I'm the mosque manager now. Look, Dave, this is the mosque AGM

But if you did it properly, it's easy peasy

But it was actually very easy

But it's for my use only

But it's not my birthday for another three months!

But Mr Malik takes Mrs Malik to lovely places

But no Mattay, just Debbay!

But one day you might decide that you do like...cricket

But one day you realise there are other things in the world

But one day, you might meet somebody, let's say a boy,

But she can't wander round London by herself

But she won't find out, though. Will she

But she... But you... And I..

But she's a bit better

But that's not for hours. Chup

But that's not very career-oriented

But the nursery is on the other side of the Stratford Road

But then he shows you his bat

But then people might think you are a bit stingy

But there's a problem

But there's plenty of food

But they just wouldn't leave me alone

But this is our rainy day money. We can't spend it on holidays

But we have to set a good example for Mo

But we were up all night anyway

But what about your work experience- This IS for her work experience

But what have you done for me lately

But what you have to remember is, is that boys are not like girls

But who's she with

But you can't be a proper Muslim, you see

But, sir, I don't like violence

But, sir, I don't want to get into trouble

But... Chup. Dad! Chup!

By the way, I found our old swimming costumes from Great Yarmouth, 1988

Bye-bye!

Bye, Shazia. Bye, Amjad

Call me a few names. I don't think I can, sir

CAMERA CLICKS

Can I get away with this, with the right accessories

Can you come upstairs for a minute- OK

Can't we have this later- We've got more important things to do

CASH REGISTER RINGS

Catch it, budhoo!

Catchy, no

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE £2,500 from Mr Khan!

Chill out. Come on

Chillax, sweetie

Chillax, sweetie. It's all tickety-boo. All sorted

Chillax, sweetie. It's all under control...ooh!

Chillax! Everything will be OK!

Chillax. I'm only joking

Chup

Chup! Amjad is a very lucky..

Come in, Debbie

Come on, Alia, choppity chop!

Come on, Amjad. Um... What's the problem

Come on! Come on!

Community leader

Community leader!

Community Room and Corporate Hospitality Suite. VIP Only

Comprende

CONTINUES HUMMING

Could be something you did, something you didn't do,

Could I have some money- Of course

Course you can. Very good, very good

Cricket

Cricket- Yes

Dad, you need to talk to Mum

Dad, you're such a cheapskate. It's embarrassing. Chup!

Dad! Oh, God!

Darling, your favourite gulab jamun is home!

DAVE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Dave, I love you. You great big ginger beer!

Dave, I told you, stop the going. It's ringing. Last chance. Anyone else at all. Come on!

Debbie Does Doncaster Debbie

Depends on the size of the bullies

Did anyone watch News At Ten last night

Did you hear that, DI Mo

Do you know what stopped me

Do you know where he's taking her this year

Do you like it- It still fits!

Do you see- Sort of. Good

Doesn't matter. Auntie Noor!

Doing her homework or praying or some such thing

Don't be ridiculous

Don't be ridiculous

Don't forget item three on the agenda, vote for me

Don't go anywhere!

Don't need exams to be rich and famous

Don't panic, Captain Mainwaring!

Don't pick on him, Dad. He gets enough of that at nursery

Don't play the innocent with me. I know what you're like

Don't put yourself down, Keith. You're a very attractive man

Don't spend money. Now, that's ****stani invention

Don't stop reading, Alia, it's a big book

Don't tell me how it ends, eh

Don't tell me it's bloody lino

Don't tell me, it's Mr Mohammed, isn't it

Don't worry about letting the Maliks know. See

Don't worry, Amjad, you'll get there one day

Don't worry, Beti

Don't worry, I'm fine

DOORBELL

DOORBELL

Dubai, three weeks, just the two of them

Eh- That would be so amazing

Especially the dodgy ones

Even better, no chance of drowning. Safety first, eh

Even if it's loads of money,

Even though she's brown

Every shop we went into, they said how incredible Alia looked

EVERYONE GASPS

Everyone will just think it's the government spying on Muslims again

Everything all right- Yes, thank you

Everything's a bargain basement deal

Exactly

Exactly. We're going to have to pay for someone to come in

Except with this little one

EXCITED CHATTER

Experience at the supermarket

Fair enough. Someone needs to tell your mum

Families need to be more close knit, like ****stani ones

Fine. But be quick

First things first, apologies for absence

For Mrs Khan. She'd love to see me in my old swimsuit again

For my daughter's wedding

For their day trips, and bigger ladies' toilets

For watching the cricket

Future president of the Sparkhill ****stani Business Association

Genius!

Getting him ready for the holiday

Girls, what do you think

Give me your lunch money

Go on

Go on, be a good daughter for once, help your mother

God, Mrs Bilal!

Going to New York, I'll tell everyone about your nappy scam. What

Good, because if you hadn't, we might've lost the slot. I know

Good, eh- Just like Adam Peaty, the Olympic swimmer

Good, good. And what about the imam- Did you mention my name

Good, huh- The renaming of the community room

Good! Honeymoon is English invention

Got it... Oh no, I dropped it!

Got to go, laters

Great head for business, too

Great Yarmouth, wasn't it- No

Great. Brian

Great. Nice hat. Thank you

Great. Swimming was absolutely fine with no problems at all

Ha-ha! Just clear off, pal,

Ha-ha! Mwah!

Hang on a minute, Dave. Call him back. How

Hang on a minute, what are you doing here

Hang on, that's my phone

Hang on... Too late! But I... It's all arranged

Hannibal. HE GROWLS

Has he gone

Have a wonderful time and try not to fall out of any rides

Have we changed their names

Have you been watering down the washing-up liquid

Have you had tea- Yes, thank you, sir

Have you seen...Keith

Have you spoken to the boy's father- Yes. And

Have you thought any more about where we're going on our holidays this year

HE BANGS HIS GAVEL

He bullied me

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT LOUDLY

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT NOISILY

He didn't want to miss the auction so he sent me in his place

HE GULPS

HE HACKS

HE HACKS

HE HACKS AGAIN

He has a very limited mental capacity, that boy

He has nothing to do with the mosque

HE HUMS

HE HUMS DELILAH

He just didn't want to put his hand in his pocket

HE LAUGHS

He only had to do one thing

He probably got them off the back of a lorry

He said no matter what anybody bids, he's going to bid more

HE SIGHS

HE SIGHS

HE SIGHS

HE SIPS LOUDLY

HE SPLUTTERS AND COUGHS

He took an aptitude test

He was right about that

He was spying on me earlier with a drone

HE YELPS

He'll love you more for saving money

He's a bit upset because my daughter doesn't want to marry him any more

He's asked me to accompany him to the next meeting

He's here to fix the photocopier

He's our technical wizard. Him- That's what I used to do back in Somalia

He's taking Mo for his swimming lesson today,

He's very close to the management, very influential

Hello

Hello- Daddy

Hello-!

Hello, Amjad. Sorry for using your printer, sir. Completely fine

Hello, Brian

Hello, hello, hello

Hello, hello, hello!

Hello, I'm home! HE CLEARS HIS THROAT NOISILY

Hello, ladoo

Hello, Mr Khan speaking. What

Hello, Mrs Khan. How are you

Hello, sir. Amjad, what are you doing here- Daddy sent me

Hello, sir. Amjad, what are you doing here- I've come to see Shazia

Hello, sweetie!

Hello, sweetie. How's it going- Good- Good

Hello! Mr Khan, community leader!

Help! I can't sw-i-i-i-m!

Here she is

Here, have this

Here, use my phone. Are you sure, sir

Hey, big spender. Any advance on 2,500

Hey, I like your...hairclip

Hey, make a note of that one, WPC Nadia

Hm! Hm!

Hmm

Hold on! Yes!

Hold your horses!

Honestly, Mr Khan, if you were that desperate,

Hope I can count on your vote, sir

House looks nice

How did it go with Mo

How do you mean- Right, I'll show you. Hang on

How does he know about that

How is Bradford better than Dubai

How many husbands has she gone through now- Four

How's the car- The Mercedes, eh

Huh!

I always chaired the meeting when Mr Qureshi was here

I am taking the minutes of the meeting on the computer

I am the proper manager

I am!

I assure you there is absolutely no danger of that

I bet they haven't

I blame the father

I blame the immigrants

I blame the parents, too

I bought these for the winter, saves on central heating. Ha-ha!

I call it NWA

I can get you a good deal. Where was it you and Mum used to go

I can't do that if you don't bully me. I don't know what to say

I can't remember his number. It's in my phone! No, it isn't. It is!

I could have had a glamorous career in modelling

I don't just blame the immigrants, sweetie

I don't know how I'd manage without her

I don't know who to feel more sorry for

I don't know. She might. How

I don't like cricket. I know. And that's good

I don't suppose you have an espresso machine

I don't think my hand's very firm, sir

I don't think so

I don't think so. It's dead boring. You're right. It is

I don't understand, sir. It's about keeping a cool head,

I don't want her saying things about my plastic covers

I don't want to see you or that stupid drone near my house

I feel really bad saying this, but, you know,

I got them all

I have a dream, a song to sing

I have to ring him on my mobile and do the telephone bidding

I haven't got time to think about holidays

I haven't had a beach holiday since Great Yarmouth, 1988

I haven't received any texts

I hear it gets quite chilly in New York at this time of year. Brrr!

I just need some me time

I just thought, wedding, mosque, something didn't feel right

I just want to say thank you, sir

I knew it! She hates us

I know a good place family-run guest house in Bradford

I know it sounds expensive, but I've found a really good deal

I know what's really happened here!

I know you can hear me. He can't. Can you, sir

I know, let's go back to Great Yarmouth

I know. I know it was meant to be a surprise. It's a surprise all right

I know. Let's play a game

I mean after the cricket. You wore your ****stan top

I mean on Alia's trip. Boys are going too

I mean, Debbie. Amjad..

I mean, Mr X bids in the auction,

I meant where we're going to go

I might even get my own parking space at the mosque!

I must say, I didn't expect you to outbid Mr Malik like that

I nearly drowned then as well

I need a lift to work. I'm on the afternoon shift

I need to talk to you about booking the mosque

I need your staff discount card

I never got to go on a summer camp

I observe the five pillars. And anyway, doesn't the Koran teach us

I preferred Mo and Nadia

I probably shouldn't tell you this, but earlier on, Noor told me

I said chup! Is this not bloody working-!

I said I was thrown into the Jehlam River

I said stop it now, Mrs Khan!

I see. Wait a minute

I sent you the e-mail. That was from you

I should've known

I spoke to that guy over there for ten minutes, he was lapping it up

I tell you what why don't you go home,

I think I might have run out of credit. What

I think my heart has stopped. I'm dead! You've killed me!

I think you might be being a teeny bit racist, Mr Khan

I thought I heard the doorbell. Will it be Auntie Noor

I thought I was chairing the meeting

I thought I'd just, er, pop round and say hello

I thought that was one of those dodgy Nigerian con artists

I thought you said we had to stand up to bullies. Did I

I thought you said you can't spend money on holidays

I thought you said you could swim, sir

I thought you used to go there before we were... No

I told you as soon as we had the date for the wedding,

I tried breathing in, but I almost died

I used to get all the boys. I tried not to

I used up all my battery trying to download the praying to Mecca app

I want no backchat from anyone!

I want to look nice

I want you to stay away from Alia. She's a good girl

I wanted to talk to you

I was just looking for the prayer mats

I was just wondering if I could use your loo

I wasn't expecting you till tomorrow

I will not let you ruin Alia's life the same way my father ruined mine

I will sell, make no mistake. Hang on, Dave. Amjad, say something!

I wish I was more like you, a better dad. Oh, Amjad,

I wouldn't know. He's not obsessed with money, like some people

I'd come and see if you need a hand with yours. Aw, thanks

I'd like to call this Annual General Meeting

I'll get it it'll be Auntie Noor with Alia

I'll make up some excuse to get her round to yours

I'm back!

I'm busy. Talk to someone else. Like who

I'm coming

I'm delighted to make the acquaintance

I'm going to grab a coffee

I'm in our room, hurry up! OK, I'm coming

I'm just freshening it up. Mrs Malik is coming round with Amjad tomorrow

I'm just going to see a man about a patio

I'm making a list of complaints about you, you know

I'm making space next to the sink so you can fix it

I'm Mr Khan, community leader

I'm not good enough for her

I'm not having Alia stacking shelves with a bunch of losers

I'm not supposed to. Brian is very strict about these things

I'm not sure mine will fit, sweetie

I'm not sure that's going to help

I'm paying for your bloody wedding. On the cheap!

I'm really sorry, Mr Khan, but the mosque is booked

I'm sorry

I'm sure they'll understand

I'm taking her to New York. No, you're bloomin' not

I'm talking about non-violent resistance,

I'm telling you about my daughter's wedding,

I'm telling you, she's not that great!

I'm very keen to hear all about it. Mr Khan. Yes, ****stani name

I've already bought the tickets! What!

I've been cooking and cleaning all day long

I've been kidding myself. She'll never want to marry me

I've been texting Shazia all day, like you told me to

I've been working the room, selling the idea. So it's going well

I've made a mosque out of Lego so I can work out where everything goes

I've texted Amjad. He'll tell them

If I die, Shazia will kill me

If I remember, you spent most of my childhood too busy to do anything,

If I want to do my business in nappies, then I will

If she found out what you've been up to

If you say so. I do say so

If you try and stop Alia and me

If you'd let us book the mosque, none of this would've happened

Imagine that father of an imam

IMITATES BULLY- Keep clear of our side of the Stratford Road..

In a good way!

In detective work, things aren't always what they seem

In fact, keep clear of our side of Stratford Road..

In fact, let's take a photo, huh

In my day, you were just thrown into the water. Who threw you in

In the real world. It's a disaster waiting to happen

Into the Jhelum River,

Involving stolen TVs, an illegal extension at number 34,

Is everything all right- He's suffering from low self-esteem

Is it something nice and career-oriented

Is it something to do with water buffaloes

Is it- Well, if it isn't, it should be

Is New York anywhere near LA

Is now a good time to see Auntie Noor- No!

Is Shazia...

Is that it's a jungle out there

Is the mosque really the right place to have your wedding

Is there a children's grazing area

Islam is not the fastest growing religion in the world for nothing

It is more racist you calling me racist!

It is my big day, Dad

It is, if you're going to be Sparkhill's first-ever female imam!

It isn't. Look, there's nothing under Daddy. It's under Mr Malik!

It stands for Annual General Meeting,

It was Amjad's

It was buy one, get one free

It was the best time I've ever had!

It's a good question, but now is not the time to dwell on it

It's a Muslim religious study camp

It's all about good parenting, uh

It's amazing. Do you know, your dad said it's the most incredible thing he has ever heard

It's an extraordinary item, inserted at the last minute. Nobody told me

It's an Umrah trip. A pilgrimage to Mecca

It's for a good cause, digging wells for ****stani villages

It's forbidden in the Koran

It's going to be a wonderful occasion

It's gone to voicemail

It's just I've always had this dream of being on a beautiful island

It's just that Shazia is having

It's like having our own little imam. But without the beard

It's luxury family holiday, courtesy of Mr Butt's Travel Agency

It's not a bid, it's a death sentence

It's not a sign

It's not about violence. Violence never solved anything

It's OK, Dad, I understand. Yes, so

It's OK, I get this a lot. I am a Muslim. I'm a convert

It's OK, I got it again

It's OK. I forgive you

It's probably for the best, Papa

It's that we need to live together as one community

It's the sacred word of God, never to be taken lightly

It's very vulgar

Item one, the women's group would like a new minibus

Item two, Mr Hafiz would like a giant screen in the meeting room

Just a couple this week, Mr Malik has a prior engagement,

Just call Alia and tell her to come back now

Just call him. OK. 2,500 going once. No, it isn't

Just forget about Auntie Noor!

Just mind you don't hurt yourself

Just say what bullies say

Just stay away from me and my family!

Just stay away from my house!

Just you and me, the kids, Matt and Debbie

Just you, me, Shazia and Matt

Keith, have you finished my patio yet

Keith! Yes

Kitchen's out of bounds. I'm mopping the floor

KNOCK ON DOOR

KNOCK ON DOOR

KNOCK ON DOOR

KNUCKLES CRACK

Leave him alone. It's not his fault! Is it, Papa

Let go of Mrs Malik. No, really

Let the nursery deal with it. Do you think- Of course

Let's get Mo to the pool before the tide comes in

Let's move on, shall we

Let's not worry about that now, eh

Let's talk about something else

Let's use our rainy day money to pay for their honeymoon

Like a young Sean Connery, that's what she said

Like boys. OK

Like Martin Luther Vandross

Like who

Listen, pal, you're the one interfering with drones

Little Mo doesn't stand a chance if he doesn't see his father

Live and let live

Look at her

Look at him

Look at that. Perfect Muslim daughter

Look at that. Wonderful. Reading the Koran, huh

Look at this!

Look, Dave, you put me in a very difficult position

Look, I've booked the mosque, OK- I said I would do it,

Look, I've made my declaration of faith

Look, Keith. I'm a businessman. I saw a business opportunity

Look, Mum, we need to talk about this holiday. What is it, beti

Look, who's in charge of this family- Mum

Look, why don't we just all calm down, uh

Look. Just get me in there and nobody needs to know

Look. This, too much

Looks like a god, thinks like a monkey

Looks like Rajah Moores

LOWERS VOICE- ..play with a straight bat, you know

Luckily for you, you are married to a ****stani businessman, hey

Making out we're common

Matt's just packing the rest of our stuff, so I thought

Maybe he doesn't want to marry me

Maybe I can help- No, thank you

Maybe I should just forget about the honeymoon

Maybe I'll ask my manager if Alia can do her work experience here

Maybe I'll be a film star, too

Maybe it's a sign or something!

Maybe it's a surprise. Maybe we're not supposed to know. Know what

Maybe some of them. Alia is young and vulnerable

Maybe we could do the conversion for you

Maybe we should have an English wedding

Maybe we should just go somewhere cheap in England

Maybe. You never know with womens

Me

Me and you are going to take Mo swimming. You- Can you even swim

ME-! I'm Asian

Mind you, we've had to limit it to four per customer otherwise

Mine was the free one

Mmm! What's this

Mmm... Eh

MO HACKS

More like big four days

More like drive him, like proper driver

More Muslims!

Mosque, shmosque

Mostly because she's so short

Motion denied

MR KHAN CLEARS HIS THROAT

MR KHAN GIGGLES

MR KHAN HACKS MO HACKS

MR KHAN HACKS NOISILY

Mr Khan, community leader

Mr Khan! Mr Khan!

Mr Malik is taking me out to an Indian restaurant tonight

Mr President Khan. Pleased to meet ya

Mr Qureshi must have mentioned me

Mrs Bilal! What are you doing in the mosque office

Mrs Khan's father

Mrs Latif texted to say there's been another UFO over Sparkhill

Mrs Malik

Mrs Malik and Amjad are here!

Mrs Malik had some thoughts about the wedding. What- Again

Mum... Oh, and I went a bit mad and bought two hats,

Muslims all over the world are doing tang tang left, right and centre

Muttonhead. You're a muttonhead

My cousin Waseem is married to my other cousin Waheeda

My father wouldn't allow it

My fellow business leaders

My flag

My friend's a booker at an agency in New York

My hat got wet, so I bought these on the way home. You bought two hats

My house, my rules. Opens again at quarter past six

My wife's going to kill me

Neighbourhood Watch Asian-style

Nevertheless

Next president of Sparkhill ****stani Business Association!

Nigel Faraji was right

No

No bloody way!

No blooming way! Boys, nursery now. Chin up. He-hey!

No footprints, see

No, budhoo, they're the names of our friends, Matt and Debbie. Oh

No, I meant my dinner jacket

No, it won't be nice if she comes. Why

No, no, no

No, that doesn't sound like me

No, they actually can't come- Her husband died

No, we should be going

No, we should go round their house right now and confront his parents

No, you're not. That's not fair

No! Not the kitchen! Why not

No! Yes!

No. Dad! How could you do this to me

No. He wants to win the auction, money's no object. What do you mean

No. I couldn't do that

No. I was just wondering..

No. It was just after we were married

No. Not Mrs Khan. God! What's wrong with you

No. Only kidding. Mr Qureshi has taken early retirement

No. Please. It's closed

No. She wouldn't look twice at someone like me

No. We're going to go in disguise

Nobody drowned, then- Well, actually... No, nobody drowned

Nobody ever needs to use more than that

Nor did I! Now what am I going to do

Not another toilet break!

Not as beautiful as you, my darling! Chup! Ah, thanks, Mum!

Not asking you out for dinner. You're a very nice man, but I..

Not Association of Ginger Muslims

Not even for a million pounds

Not ever. Just not now

Not everyone can be like me. I have a special bond with my children

Not Mrs Khan

Not necessarily

Not quite

Not really..

Not so calm, frickley freckley skin..

Not that. Try...um..

Note item number three, renaming the community room after a certain prominent member of the community

Nothing

Nothing!

Now hang on a second

Now I want it put in at 30 degrees

Now it is all of us

Now listen here, Ellie Big Mac-pherson

Now listen. I'm the head of this household and if I.... And chup!

Now she's going to unfriend me on Facebook!

Now stop worrying and let's get you to work, hah

Now we're up and running. A thousand pounds. Any advance on that

Now you can hire somewhere less expensive

Now you can panic

Now, I know what you're thinking..

Now, I know your head is filled only with God and studies right now,

Now, I need to book it on this date here

Now, if we have learned one thing over the past year,

Number one, Citizen Khan

Number one, Citizen Khan- Copy

Number one. Citizen Khan

Obviously, she's not as beautiful as she is in real life

Of course I can swim! I'm a natural. I was taught the traditional way

Of course I'm not going to convert!

Of course not! She's not even married yet!

Of course she will. Now get up and get over there

Of course, my husband is on the Mosque Committee

Of course, sweetie. What holiday

Of such a prominent member of the local community

Of the Sparkhill Jamiya Mosque Committee to order

Oh

Oh, and we need to find work placement for Alia

Oh, another one- Oh, such a good girl

Oh, by the way, have you booked the mosque for the wedding

Oh, God! Do I need to bring food

Oh, God! Oh, God!

Oh, God. I know Shazia's up for it. Aren't you- Definitely

Oh, God. No wonder Malik's not turned up,

Oh, God. Oh, God!

Oh, God. Your mum thinks she's coming on holiday with us

Oh, hello, Mrs Khan. You seem very chirpy

Oh, hello, sweetie. You're home early

Oh, hi, everyone. Oh, look, its Matt and Debbay!

Oh, I am. And I will be even more so tomorrow

Oh, I see

Oh, I see what you're saying

Oh, I'm so confused. I need some time to think

Oh, is that the time- Come on, Amjad

Oh, it's for our honeymoon. But we can't afford it

Oh, it's not a carpet, Mr Khan

Oh, just breathe in a bit

Oh, Mrs Desai called about the wedding. Said they can't come

Oh, my God

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! What

Oh, no, no, no, no!

Oh, no. Oh, we're booked up that day

Oh, nothing important

Oh, really well

Oh, right

Oh, right. Well, congratulations and welcome on board

Oh, right. Yes, go on. Get on with it, eh- Bye-bye, 007

Oh, Shazia and Amjad are printing out their holiday booking

Oh, thank God

Oh, thank God for that

Oh, twaddi

Oh, twaddi!

Oh, twaddi!

Oh, twaddi. What are we going to do, sir

Oh, twadi!

Oh, well! Hello, sweetie yourself!

Oh, what- I'm going to be a model

Oh, yeah. I've been on a detective training course!

Oh, yes

Oh, yes, of course! What a night that was

Oh, yes, that was it! The Rajah Moores!

Oh, yes, that's a good bit

Oh, yes, we will. Excellent

Oh, yes. 2,500 going twice

Oh, yes. Aren't we, Omar

Oh, yes. She's a fine-looking woman, your sister-in-law

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh! Oh!

Oh! She'll be here in 15 minutes

Oh! The one laying your patio he's rich

Oh. I've got to go and help Alia pack

Oh. Thank God

Ohh! Ohh!

Ohhhh, yes. YOU'RE Mr Kahn

Ohhhh!

Ohhhh!

Oi!

Oi! Sir, they're the bullies from little Mo's nursery

OK

OK

OK, I'll check the diary. What for

OK, Papaji

OK, Shazia. Calm down. Breathe. We can get through this

OK, then why don't we go somewhere closer to home

OK. How do you spell racket

OK. One of us needs to go in there

OK. Swimming lesson over

OK. The bid is £2,000. Are we all done

OK. We can go anywhere you want

OK. Why don't we all just get along, uh

On a trip to the Maldives

On here, you'll find video evidence of an illegal racket

On special discount from Cash and Carry. Good, huh

One of us needs to talk to her

One thousand pounds!

Open the bloody door! Coming!

Open the door!

Open to all possible explanations

Or am I

Or does it

Or else

Or else

Or in his case, pastures new

Or the one with the stolen TVs- What-!

Or we could just put him in another nursery, uh

Or will it

Or you could stay here and tell Mrs Khan

****stan were playing India!

Papaji- Mmm- Can I have some spending money for my holiday

Papaji, I'm off out

Pardon

People have been taking advantage

People would be taking them away by the truckload

Per normal customer. But I'm Mr Khan, community leader

Perfect! I know, right

PHONE RINGS

PHONE RINGS

President Khan. How do you do

Proper

Put something on a bit more 007

Quite right. People like us don't need boring exams and jobs

Really- Got something special planned

Really- I've always thought of myself more as a Roger Moore type

Really- Yes

Really- Yes, as long as it doesn't cost more than...£25

Rich- Haan

Ridiculous like modelling, or something

Right

Right

Right

Right

Right, Amjad, you're here. Hello, sir

Right, are we ready

Right, I'll sort this, come on

Right, now I've made a list of the jobs that need doing

Right, take your seats quickly, please, gentlemen, if you'd be so kind

Right, that's it. I want to speak to the proper manager

Right, the bid is 2,500, any advance on that- No

Right, where were we

Right, without further ado, let's get on with it, shall we

Right. Assalaamu alaikum, everybody

Right. Good. Why- Keith is a friend of mine

Right. I thought that the buffet could go here,

Right. I'm not trying to be funny, mate,

Right. So, er... You've got everything you need, yeah

Right. Time for a little chat, uh

RINGTONE CONTINUES

RINGTONE STOPS

RINGTONE- # We will not let you go

Rising above it, letting it go in one ear and out the other

Rubbish! Amjad's a great dad

Rubbish. Why would she think that

Salaam alaikum

Salaam aleikum, Britain. Mr Khan speaking

Salaam aleikum, neighbour. Oh, don't give me that,

Salaam aleikum, Papaji

Salman I like him, Mr Khan

Save that till after marriage. Goodbye, Amjad

Scottish! I'm not Scottish

See you later, then

See- Fine. But remember, you have to put the washing in

See- First the worst, second the best, isn't it

Seven times they mentioned ****stan, huh-!

Shall we tell them- Tell us what

Shazia and Amjad are going on holiday with Matt and Debbay

Shazia says you never let anybody use your phone

Shazia, you shouldn't talk about money all the time

Shazia's mum wants in on it too

SHE BLOWS A KISS

SHE CHOKES

She chupped me!

SHE GASPS

SHE HACKS

She has to look pretty for the wedding. I said chup!

She IS amazing

She marries men for their money and then she spends it on clothes

She must be here somewhere. It's a mystery

She needs it for college. If we leave it to her, she'll do something

She said she wants to go. What's wrong with you, woman

SHE SIGHS

She takes after me at that age, of course

She thought you were a dreamboat

She wants Alia to come out for a trial

She was here a minute ago. Then she just disappeared

She'll probably be fine

She's a bloody marvel

She's a terrible influence

She's a vain, selfish, money-grabbing nightmare

She's all right

She's amazing

She's an angel, isn't she- Absolute angel, Mrs Khan

She's going be imam's assistant at Marylebone mosque

She's going to kill me

She's going to London

She's happy. That's probably why she doesn't want to get married

She's more like her mother

She's my daughter and I'll ruin her life if I want to!

She's not by herself

She's not coming on our holiday. Are you mad-!

She's not that bad

She's not. She's so beautiful

She's on her way home right now

She's out of my league

She's punishing me for not sending out the invitations

She's so damned happy! She doesn't want to get married

Shoot. Who the hell are you

Sir, there's something I don't understand

So clever what you've done in such a small space

So I can keep an eye on the whole of Sparkhill

So I coloured her in with the felt tips

So I have a very special new drone camera

So I hope you've all brought your cheque books

So I'm saying SOMEONE needs to tell him

So let me get this straight. Say somebody call them Mr K

So she gets to go on a nice holiday and I don't

So we haven't got the mosque

So we're going to stand up to the bullying

So what was you saying- Uh...no

So what, do you think Muslims don't do tang tang

So where am I supposed to sit- Woo-hoo!

So- Don't you remember what the scary man said

So- Isn't it supposed to be only four packs per customer

So, how was the mosque

So, we will be auctioning this magnificent prize right here, today

So, we'll come round to see you tomorrow to discuss the guest list

Sold, for £2,500! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Someone could take advantage of her. Her life could be ruined for ever

Someone might tell her

Someone's got to keep an eye

Something you said, something you didn't say

Soon she'll calm down and it will all be back to normal

Sorry, I'm Dave. I'm the new mosque manager

Sorry. But why..

Sounds like a holiday mix-up. You need to call Watchdog

Sounds like a load of rubbish to me!

Standing up to bullies

Staying with your cousin in Bradford- Not exotic

Steady on

Sticks and stones, Amjad. No, try nincompoop

Sticks and stones!

Still looking like a brand-new

Stop it now, Mrs Khan

Stop! You can't come in here!

Stupid Brian

Such a lot of money

Sweet, kind...rich

Sweetie, Alia is a good girl

Sweetie, I need to talk to you about something very important

Sweetie, I'm your husband. What's yours is mine

Sweetie, sweetie, sweetie, sweetie!

Sweetie, you know I'd love to help you

Sweetie!

Sweetie! Aren't you forgetting something

Swimming was absolutely fine, with no problems at all

Tell him, budhoo!

Tell your friends, eh

Tenerife, here we come! It's going to be great, Mo

Testing, testing, one, two

TEXT MESSAGE

Thank you

Thank you

Thank you

Thank you

Thank you

Thank you

Thank you for coming, bye-bye

Thank you, goodbye, Mrs Bilal

Thank you, sir. Any questions, just ask

Thank you!

Thank you! Come again

Thank you. Thank you so much

Thank you. The sofa's a little squeaky

Thank you. You must be very proud

Thanks, Dad

Thanks! Oh, oh!

That everybody is born a Muslim and so, in fact..

That I spent £2,500 on a carpet- I don't think so

That man's coming over. I'm not fine!

That was our rainy day money. It was a very generous bid

That we're not fancy-schmancy European any more

That would be great! Maybe I'll get my dickie bow out

That'll be £20

That'll be 50p

That's a lot of nappies you've got there

That's brilliant, sir

That's me

That's rubbish

That's what Alia calls her

The best night of my life

The brown one

The capital of British ****stan

The first thing I thought when I saw her

The invitations will go out. People will book flights

The man laying your patio- That's him. No

The man next door's rich

The mosque is so lovely

The Mosque study group summer camp. Dad's paying for me to go

The mosque. It's booked, isn't it

The most romantic thing we can do is to avoid each other completely

The shame! What will the Maliks say

The thing is, did you get a text from Shazia or not

The wedding will be postponed and the shame will destroy us all!

Then maybe it's something I've done

There she is. At home. Doing her studies, like a good girl

There you go

There you go. All top-quality merchandise

There you go. I don't..

There's a lot of money in patios. Oh! How rich is he

There's a lot of things you don't understand, Amjad

There's a pool, a sandy beach..

There's an app for it now, innit

There's lots of places. Conference centre, leisure centre,

There's Mrs Latif hanging out her dirty washing

There's no need. Remember to do the washing like I said

There's white sand and clear, blue sea,

These dresses are so beautiful. Chup!

They all know me

They all know me! You like my suit

They all know me. And anyway, I got this. See

They all know me. Do you like my suit

They all know me. You like my suit

They all wanted a piece of me

They always go together. It's co-educational

They call me PT too. The ****stani Turtle

They don't need to know. She doesn't really mean it

They gave us all the details of this murder case,

They got a charity whatsit on

THEY SPEAK URDU

They will be reading the Koran, learning about Islam

They're just cowards on the inside that need a firm hand

They're making me the next president. President Khan!

This is all Auntie Noor's fault

This is all your fault in the first place

This is me and this is Shazia

This is my husband, Mr Khan

This is not good. This is not good!

This is Omar. He's new. Excellent. Welcome

This is President Khan speaking

This is too many. It's not too many

This neighbourhood's going really downhill

This one is OK, too

This one- Or this one

This says two children and four adults

This time tomorrow we'll be in Tenerife. It's going to be great

This will be our last year together as a family

This, just right

This, too much

Three hundred and five pounds

Three hundred and one from Mr Khan

Three hundred and one pounds. Right, OK

Three hundred and six pounds

Three hundred and two pounds

Three hundred and...four pounds

Three hundred pound from Amjad, bidding on behalf of Mr Malik

Three hundred pounds

Three times already you sponged it this week

To cook my dinner

To see if I have a window

Today is the AGM at the mosque and I've got an item on the agenda

Trust me, Keith, she's not your type

Try... Oh!

Turkey is a Muslim country, isn't it

Twice in a good way!

Two hundred pound. Two hundred pound

Typical! It sounds like you need a lesson in good parenting, Amjad

Uh... Debbie- Neither- Um, you see, the thing is, Mrs Khan..

Unfortunately not

Until we can afford to go somewhere nice

Use our rainy day money

Very good, Mr Khan

Very good. Where are you up to, darling

Wait a minute, I didn't mean to

Wait here

Wait!

Wait... I didn't mean... Oh, twaddi

Waleikum assalam, beti

Was, Wow! She looks bloody cheap

Water off a duck's back. I'm rising above it, eh

We are fit and healthy now, but what happens when you're an old lady

WE aren't ALL going

We could have a lot of fun together, couldn't we- Just the four of us

We didn't see the imam, you nitwit! What- We've spent the whole day shopping for clothes!

We don't need to worry about her any more

We fly out on Monday!

We have to trust the people we love. Isn't it

We haven't even been in the pool yet

We haven't got time to find anywhere else now!

We hit the designer shops and then we just kept on hitting them! Whoo!

We need to warn her of the dangers lurking out there

We ****stanis have got to get our country back

We should do something special, something exotic

We told you about the bullying and you dived straight in

We'll see what Auntie Noor has to say about it

We're all grown-ups, aren't we

We're always running out because you lot use too much

We're always talking about this bloody wedding

We're going to Alton Towers!

We're going to little Mo's nursery... Yes

We're going to look perfectly normal

We're Muslim! Yes, but what you have to remember is..

We're not going looking for trouble, Amjad

We're running loss leaders on some big ticket items at the moment

We're splashing out on a holiday anyway,

We're trying to be real-life crime-fighters

We're very close, you know- They'd never do anything behind my back

We've had such an excellent day, haven't we, Alia

Wedding, wedding, wedding!

Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham,

Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham, the capital of British ****stan

Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham. The capital of British ****stan

Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham. The capital of British ****stan- Copy

Well, at times like this we have to remember we're ****stani

Well, charity is one of the five pillars of Islam

Well, come on, then. I don't want to be late

Well, I didn't think I did, but then my favourite daughter went

Well, I think it's great. You're so clever, budhoo

Well, I wouldn't know,

Well, it's a mosque. Have you tried God

Well, there's plenty of you to go around

Well, you know, anyway, they're bound to go for it

Well..

Well...is there somebody else

Well...unless she asked me to

What

What

What

What a wonderful surprise, Mrs Malik

What about Alia- You never have a go at her!

What about my window

What about staying at cousin's in Oldham

What am I supposed to say to my wife and daughter

What are we going to do, sir

What are we going to say to the Maliks

What are you doing here, Dave- It's my office

What are you doing- Help me push the beds together

What are you going to do, convert to Islam

What are you going to do, sir- I'm going to kill HER

What are you reading- The History Of Islam. Oh, I want to read that

What are you talking about- You only ever need a little bit

What delightful chance brings you here 24 hours flipping early

What do you mean- You didn't forget to book the mosque, did you

What do you think of that- That'll go down well at the mosque

What do you want

What do you want- Active fit or super softies

What for- I want to get a snack

What happened to Mr Qureshi- He's tied up under the desk

What have you done

What is it- What's she doing

What the bloomin' heck are they doing

What to we have here then, huh

What was all that about

What we call in the ****stani community a bit of a wobble

What- Do they not wear hats on the beach any more

What- They should dig it themselves. I'm a ****stani,

What- Well, I told him to book it and he forgot

What- What is it- I'm trying to tidy up in here!

What- Why- So you can do your duty like a good husband should

What- Why!

What- You know, tang tang

What-!

What-! Do you know who I am

What! Anything for my star worker

What! That makes it worse!

What's he doing here

What's that

What's that got to do with it

What's that- It's for rainy day. You have to think of the future

What's that, the agenda

What's this about an auction

What's wrong with him- He's from Somalia. Oh..

What's wrong with normal holiday

What's wrong- The money too strong for you- Not at all

When Mum finds out, she's going to kill you. When Mum finds out, she's going to kill me!

When we first got engaged,

When we have to trust our children to do the right thing, hah

When will these weird people realise

Where a woman's body was found buried in a field

Where are you going

Where are you going- Mosque

Where are you, darling Alia

Where is she, anyway- Never mind

Where's Alia

Which brings us on to item three. This is me

Which reminds me, Officer Dibble,

Whiter than white..

Who are they talking about

Who done it- I don't know. I had to leave before the end

Who is it

Who- Me! Oh. I've got it in the bag

Who- You know. Keith, from next door. About this tall

Who'll get the ball rolling- One hundred pound

Who'll start the bidding for me- Anyone- Come on, don't be shy

Who's using my printer

Whose fault was it, then

Why are you constantly comparing yourself to your sister

Why are you sponging the sofa again

Why can't we ever go somewhere like that- Bradford's better than Dubai

Why do our weddings have to take so long

Why do you have to make such a fuss about toilet tissue

Why do you need all those nappies, though

Why don't we help them out- What

Why don't we just use the lot

Why don't we splash out

Why don't we start with snippy-snippy

Why don't you like charity auction

Why is everything a competition with you two

Why is the bathroom locked

Why would a girl like Shazia really be interested in someone like me

Why you always talking about bloody expensive dresses

Why- What's going on- Mo's being bullied by some other boy

Why, what did it say

Why, where are you calling from- India

Will you go and talk to the nursery, then- Me

Won't you stay for something to eat

Would it be so bad if Mr Khan came

Wouldn't I- You know, she called

Wow. Amazing

WPC Nadiya has earned her keep

Yeah- Excuse me, mister, could I please have my drone back

Yeah, my dad said I can go. I know, I can't believe it

Yeah, one. There are four more

Yeah. It was amazing

Yes

Yes- You know we're all going on holiday together, right- Yes

Yes, and then

Yes, but it is my office. So- And I am chairing the meeting

Yes, but what about...tang tang

Yes, I am interested in saving money on energy bills

Yes, I know there are boys in Turkey, thank you

Yes, lots! Almost like every night

Yes, mosques are amazing

Yes, of course I have

Yes, Papaji. She's such a good girl

Yes, Shazia, I thought you would bring that up

Yes, so

Yes, talk to Alia. Alia!

Yes, thank you, Keith

Yes, that's very nice. Can I just ask one thing

Yes, there is

Yes, yes, come on, we haven't got all day

Yes, yes. Why is the..

Yes, you can tell me all about the benefits of switching tariffs

Yes, you can. It poured with rain

Yes, you could. You could do it right now

Yes. And call the caterers for Shazia's wedding. Sweetie!

Yes. Goodbye, Mrs Malik. Oh, hang on

Yes. I suppose

Yes. Mr Khan!

Yes. Next president of SPBA

Yes. No matter how much Mr X bids- Yes

Yes. This is the house of God, open to everyone

Yes. Why- No reason

Yes. You know you can drop in any time

You are a nappy dealer

You are white, I'm racial

You can be the doggy

You can say that again

You can't be. Check again. No. Definitely booked

You can't get closer than that

You can't just blame the immigrants

You can't stop her following her dreams

You did- Uh-huh. So I phoned the travel agent... What

You do know there'll be boys there

You do- Who told you

You don't have to bid. Don't worry. I'm not going to

You don't need to remind me. But why do you have to see her every bloody day

You drink- I used to

You gingers are very different to the rest of us

You have such fabulous skin, and what an amazing figure

You haven't got time to think!

You haven't met my wife and daughter

You know the key to being a good detective is to keep your mind

You know the president of the Sparkhill ****stani Business Association

You know what I mean

You know what I mean. The proper manager

You know what Noor is like

You know what this means

You know- A fresh start

You know, I don't think my sister would be very pleased

You know, I think it needs to be something that represents

You know, I thought that was going to be difficult,

You know, if she's got a loyalty card, she gets the next one free

You know, in my younger days, your mother was always in my shadow

You know, it might be nice if my mum comes

You know, it's very interesting

You know, Mr Qureshi never used to come barging in like this

You know, Mrs Khan wanted to see me all the time

You know, now Alia is training to be an imam,

You know, sometimes I can't believe we're getting married, can you

You know, there comes a time

You know, when I married your mother,

You know, when you think about it,

You know, whoever marries this one will have a REAL jewel

You like Auntie Noor, don't you

You like my suit

You may have a treat in store

You need to talk to Alia

You never do anything nice for me

You never know, she might be quite pleased

You nosy old git

You remember we had our special holiday there

You said we have to stand up to bullies

You saved my life!

You say that as if it's a bad thing

You Scottish

You see, Amjad- Perfectly normal

You see, Amjad- There's nothing to it, huh

You see, even he agrees

You see, Mrs Khan, head for thinking, feet for dancing

You see, one thing being part of NWA has taught me,

You should be good at that

You should have just knocked

You should, er, ask her over to yours for...tea or something

You shouldn't be spying on them

You stick with me, beti. I'll make sure you become a celebrity!

You want to keep up some of the mystery. A bit of romance, Amjad

You were right. ****stanis ARE close-knit

You women make such a fuss of housework,

You worked in IT- No, he was a wizard

You wouldn't dare

You, budhoo!

You'll need to give yourself plenty of time for that, then, won't you

You're a fat, old man with a stupid beard

You're a nincompoop

You're a very lucky man

You're always coming to see Shazia. We are getting married

You're both very special in your own unique ways. Ahh

You're forgetting one thing about rainy day money, my darling

You're getting nappies from the supermarket and then you're selling them at a profit

You're going to vote for me, aren't you- Yes, yes

You're joking- No. It's all inclusive. Flights, hotels, the lot

You're letting him play on your pitch

You're not even on the bloody committee

You're paying for her holiday

You're right. I think you should tell her

You're right. I'm sorry

You're wasting your breath

You're welcome. It's fantastic. Luxury holiday. Where to

You've been out there all week. What's the hold-up- Too many blooming tea-breaks, isn't it

You've got to trust me, darling. It's like with Alia

Your daughter's getting married- Congratulations!

Your father will be back soon and you never know,

Your father, Mr Malik, will bid more

Your husband is a very busy man, my darling,

Your little sister is a good girl. She'll be somewhere

Your mother and I have never been to Great Yarmouth, ever!

Your mother is always panicking for no reason

Your mother's on her way home. What about New York- You're not going to New York

Your sister

Your staff card

20 minutes in registry office, cucumber sandwich, cup of tea,

..and booked a room for Naani too

..relaxing. Is he really that bad

..to talk about the bullying. Yes

'Ello, 'ello, 'ello. Or should I say, Allah, Allah, Allah

'Grandpa's got chlorine up his nose!'

# And go across the tracks

# As it shifts and cracks

# Bismillah! No, we will not let you go... #

# Da, da-da, da-ra... #

# Dum, dum, dum..

# Hey, man, you know you're never coming back... #

# I saw the light on the night that I passed by her window

# In the humming wires

# Let him go Bismillah! We will not let you go

# Let him go Bismillah! We will not let you go

# Let him go Bismillah! We will not let you go

# My, my, my, Delilah..

# Nappy days are here again

# Take a little walk to the edge of town

# Tum te tum te, tum te tum... #

# Tum-te-tum-te-tum-te-tum..

# We're all going on a summer holiday... #

# Where secrets lie in the border fires

# Where the viaduct looms like a bird of doom

# Why, why, why, Delilah- #

£1,100

£1,100. Thank you, Mr Khan

£1,200. £1,200 straight away from Mr Malik

£1,500! Fifteen hundred pound!

£1,600. Mr Malik's right back in there. Looks like he's going to take some beating

£1,900!

£1.00

£2,000

£2,500!

£100 to start us. Thank you, Mr Jalil