Citizen Khan Soundboard Edit

A late addition, a charity auction. Oh, come on!

A man doesn't care what his bride is wearing

A single man, lives on his own,

A stupid woman with a big bum

A tribal nation, ready to defend our family honour

A water buffalo with lipstick

A-ha! Here we are

Aah, assalaamu alaikum. Mr Mohammed, how are you doing

Absolutely not. Shazia, these things are best left to the professionals

Accompany him, like proper businessman!

Actually, ladoo, I don't really want to go. The bullies might be there

Actually, Mr Khan, I was going to sit there. Well, sit somewhere else

After all, we have Kim Kardashian

Ah

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!

Ah, here is Mr Khan now

Ah, see- All back, safe and sound

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah! Asalaam Alaikum

Ah! We meet at last

Ah. I tell you. I love this girl

Ah. That's got it

Ahhh

Alia, go and pack your bags

Alia, go get Monopoly for Mrs Malik, huh

Alia, sweetie, you can't be a model. What about your exams

Alia, take Brian into the kitchen. You can interview her there

Alia, what are you doing- Put that away

Alia, your mother is upset. Bring fresh cup of tea

Alia's already a model. A model of a perfect Muslim daughter!

Alia's trip is part of her studies

ALL BESIDES MR KHAN- Oooh!

ALL BESIDES MR KHAN- Wa alaikum assalam. Hello, Dave

All for show, no doubt

All proceeds going to the charity appeal fund

All right, don't take it SO seriously!

All right! Put her down, will you

All right. Good, smashing, smashing, smashing

All right. Well, then, goodbye, Mrs Malik

All the centres

ALL the people of Sparkhill

All those in favour

All those... Motion carried

ALL- Oooh!

Almost like a son, she is!

Am I going to get a parking space

Am I- Yes, of course! Look at you

Amjad

Amjad doesn't need parenting lessons from you

Amjad forgot to book the mosque- I don't believe it

AMJAD SOBS

AMJAD SOBS Come on! Come on!

Amjad, Amjad, Amjad

Amjad, come over here

Amjad, I'm trying to teach you how to stand up to bullies

Amjad, if you want to be intimate, just text her. That's what I'd do. Isn't it, sweetie

Amjad, you have to stand up to bullies

Amjad! Come on, bid!

Amjad. Thank you, sir

Amjad... Oh, hello, Debbie Does Doncaster

Amjad's got something to tell you!

And

And a silly, old-fashioned suit

And anyway, you can't go around impersonating mosque managers

And Auntie Noor's coming with me as my chaperone!

And booked her parents to go on holiday with them

And bring one for her too

And everyone says, Wow, that Mr X, he's a very generous man

And explain everything about...you know, tang tang

And he looks more like Baa Baa Brown Sheep

And he's really into the cricket and he might try to get you to watch

And his pads. And his helmet

And how she should be a model. Even the imam

And how to be a better Muslim

And I am not going on holiday with Mr Khan,

And I couldn't find any little brown people,

And I don't want to see that thing round here again, all right

And I don't want you getting your claws into him

And I realise he's my one true love

And I start running towards them, and we run faster and faster

And I will do it... Er, I have done it. It's booked, done

And I would have to kill myself

And I'm paying for this bloody wedding, don't forget

And iron my shirts

And it'll all be tickety-boo

And look out for our neighbours

And make sure you sit down! I don't want any splashes!

And Mr Zaheer is finally having his procedure done

And no charge for baby-sitting today

And plastic surgery

And shame

And she's clever and funny

And spying on your neighbours

And sweet, and kind

And that funny bloke at number 28 has had his extension out too

And that, inside, they're just cowards

And the dance area could go..

And the next thing you know, the covers are off,

And then I see someone running towards me along the beach

And then next spring, out popped little Shazia

And then ****stan won!

And then there would be cancellation. I know this!

And then we meet and I look up at him

And then we tried that thing I read in Woman's Own. Oh, God!

And there's an amazing club near the campsite. It's going to be wicked

And they just need a firm hand. Argh!

And they might not vote to name the community room after you

And they said they'd never seen results like it!

And this one not so much

And to be honest, I don't find him all that... How can I put this

And Travel Agency has made a very generous donation to the mosque

And use the facilities here

And we all get on really well, don't we

And we had to work out whodunnit

And we listened for two hours on my transistor radio

And we stayed in that rickety old caravan. I can't remember

And what about our honeymoon, have you thought about it

And what's your name, young man

And you are- Mr Khan, community leader

And you can get to know each other better

And you can't look after yourself any more- Hmm- Hmm

And you just get on with your studies

And you might think, Well, there's no harm in watching

And you, my darling

And you've been caught out by his googlie!

And- What

And, anyway, she'll be home later and you'll see for yourself

Any advance on a thousand pounds- Anyone

Any time I came within 500 metres of their house

Any woman would be lucky to have you

Anyone for a virgin mojito

Anyway, I must be going

Anyway, Mrs K only goes and suggests nappies!

Anyway, she won't be thinking that for much longer

APPLAUSE

Are they not- No. Boys are bad. They only have one thing on their minds

Are you coming to the Women's Group day trip- No!

Are you going to bid- In a minute

Are you going to say something

Are you texting someone- No. I'm praying to Mecca

Are you the one with the extension out

Aren't you forgetting something

As it is, she's always looking down her nose at us,

As you all know, Mr Butt, proprietor of Butt's Luxury Carpet Emporium

Asalaam Alaikum, Mr Khan. Waleikum asalaam, Riaz. What are you up to

Ask anybodys, they all know me

Ask not what your association can do for you,

Ask your father. He's in charge of the house today

Assalaamu alaikum, Mr Khan. Wa alaikum assalam, Riaz

Assalaamu alaikum, Mr Mohammed. You all right- How's Mrs Mohammed

At a Turkish beach resort

At last. Thank God for that. Now, on to the agenda

Aww, there you go! Thanks!

Baas. CLEARS THROAT LOUDLY

Baby-and-toddler turnover is up 200% in a week

Bathroom now only open between 7-00 and 8-30

Because I'm white- Because you're ginger

Because if Mrs Khan comes, then that also means that Mr Khan comes,

Because it costs money!

Because let me tell you, Mrs Khan, they certainly do

Because you were watching the cricket

Before Shazia gets married

Best thing for you to do is just apologise for everything

Bet you can't wait to get away

Better take two, huh- Indian restaurant

BHANGRA MUSIC

Bit of a mix-up, you're not coming on holiday with us

Blimey!

Bloody cheek!

Bloody hell! Thank you, a proper bid at last

Bloody Maldives-!

Book the mosque, but you, oh, no..

BOTH- Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!

BOTH- What-!

Boys- I didn't know anything about boys

Brian Halcox, store manager. I'm your lovely wife's boss

Brian said he would consider letting Alia do her work

Brian says I could be management material

Brilliant

Budhoo, Mum thinks her and Dad are coming instead of Matt and Debbie

Bully me. Bully you, sir- Yes, come on. Bully me. Goad me

Burying dead people. Oh, of course

But apart from that..

But I didn't ask for help for my wife's leaky plumbing

But I might want someone to hold my hand

But I only have room for one, so..

But I thought Shazia was as happy about this as I am

But I'm bursting

But I'm the mosque manager now. Look, Dave, this is the mosque AGM

But if you did it properly, it's easy peasy

But it was actually very easy

But it's for my use only

But it's not my birthday for another three months!

But Mr Malik takes Mrs Malik to lovely places

But no Mattay, just Debbay!

But one day you might decide that you do like...cricket

But one day you realise there are other things in the world

But one day, you might meet somebody, let's say a boy,

But she can't wander round London by herself

But she won't find out, though. Will she

But she... But you... And I..

But she's a bit better

But that's not for hours. Chup

But that's not very career-oriented

But the nursery is on the other side of the Stratford Road

But then he shows you his bat

But then people might think you are a bit stingy

But there's a problem

But there's plenty of food

But they just wouldn't leave me alone

But this is our rainy day money. We can't spend it on holidays

But we have to set a good example for Mo

But we were up all night anyway

But what about your work experience- This IS for her work experience

But what have you done for me lately

But what you have to remember is, is that boys are not like girls

But who's she with

But you can't be a proper Muslim, you see

But, sir, I don't like violence

But, sir, I don't want to get into trouble

But... Chup. Dad! Chup!

By the way, I found our old swimming costumes from Great Yarmouth, 1988

Bye-bye!

Bye, Shazia. Bye, Amjad

Call me a few names. I don't think I can, sir

CAMERA CLICKS

Can I get away with this, with the right accessories

Can you come upstairs for a minute- OK

Can't we have this later- We've got more important things to do

CASH REGISTER RINGS

Catch it, budhoo!

Catchy, no

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE £2,500 from Mr Khan!

Chill out. Come on

Chillax, sweetie

Chillax, sweetie. It's all tickety-boo. All sorted

Chillax, sweetie. It's all under control...ooh!

Chillax! Everything will be OK!

Chillax. I'm only joking

Chup

Chup! Amjad is a very lucky..

Come in, Debbie

Come on, Alia, choppity chop!

Come on, Amjad. Um... What's the problem

Come on! Come on!

Community leader

Community leader!

Community Room and Corporate Hospitality Suite. VIP Only

Comprende

CONTINUES HUMMING

Could be something you did, something you didn't do,

Could I have some money- Of course

Course you can. Very good, very good

Cricket

Cricket- Yes

Dad, you need to talk to Mum

Dad, you're such a cheapskate. It's embarrassing. Chup!

Dad! Oh, God!

Darling, your favourite gulab jamun is home!

DAVE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Dave, I love you. You great big ginger beer!

Dave, I told you, stop the going. It's ringing. Last chance. Anyone else at all. Come on!

Debbie Does Doncaster Debbie

Depends on the size of the bullies

Did anyone watch News At Ten last night

Did you hear that, DI Mo

Do you know what stopped me

Do you know where he's taking her this year

Do you like it- It still fits!

Do you see- Sort of. Good

Doesn't matter. Auntie Noor!

Doing her homework or praying or some such thing

Don't be ridiculous

Don't be ridiculous

Don't forget item three on the agenda, vote for me

Don't go anywhere!

Don't need exams to be rich and famous

Don't panic, Captain Mainwaring!

Don't pick on him, Dad. He gets enough of that at nursery

Don't play the innocent with me. I know what you're like

Don't put yourself down, Keith. You're a very attractive man

Don't spend money. Now, that's ****stani invention

Don't stop reading, Alia, it's a big book

Don't tell me how it ends, eh

Don't tell me it's bloody lino

Don't tell me, it's Mr Mohammed, isn't it

Don't worry about letting the Maliks know. See

Don't worry, Amjad, you'll get there one day

Don't worry, Beti

Don't worry, I'm fine

DOORBELL

DOORBELL

Dubai, three weeks, just the two of them

Eh- That would be so amazing

Especially the dodgy ones

Even better, no chance of drowning. Safety first, eh

Even if it's loads of money,

Even though she's brown

Every shop we went into, they said how incredible Alia looked

EVERYONE GASPS

Everyone will just think it's the government spying on Muslims again

Everything all right- Yes, thank you

Everything's a bargain basement deal

Exactly

Exactly. We're going to have to pay for someone to come in

Except with this little one

EXCITED CHATTER

Experience at the supermarket

Fair enough. Someone needs to tell your mum

Families need to be more close knit, like ****stani ones

Fine. But be quick

First things first, apologies for absence

For Mrs Khan. She'd love to see me in my old swimsuit again

For my daughter's wedding

For their day trips, and bigger ladies' toilets

For watching the cricket

Future president of the Sparkhill ****stani Business Association

Genius!

Getting him ready for the holiday

Girls, what do you think

Give me your lunch money

Go on

Go on, be a good daughter for once, help your mother

God, Mrs Bilal!

Going to New York, I'll tell everyone about your nappy scam. What

Good, because if you hadn't, we might've lost the slot. I know

Good, eh- Just like Adam Peaty, the Olympic swimmer

Good, good. And what about the imam- Did you mention my name

Good, huh- The renaming of the community room

Good! Honeymoon is English invention

Got it... Oh no, I dropped it!

Got to go, laters

Great head for business, too

Great Yarmouth, wasn't it- No

Great. Brian

Great. Nice hat. Thank you

Great. Swimming was absolutely fine with no problems at all

Ha-ha! Just clear off, pal,

Ha-ha! Mwah!

Hang on a minute, Dave. Call him back. How

Hang on a minute, what are you doing here

Hang on, that's my phone

Hang on... Too late! But I... It's all arranged

Hannibal. HE GROWLS

Has he gone

Have a wonderful time and try not to fall out of any rides

Have we changed their names

Have you been watering down the washing-up liquid

Have you had tea- Yes, thank you, sir

Have you seen...Keith

Have you spoken to the boy's father- Yes. And

Have you thought any more about where we're going on our holidays this year

HE BANGS HIS GAVEL

He bullied me

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT LOUDLY

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT NOISILY

He didn't want to miss the auction so he sent me in his place

HE GULPS

HE HACKS

HE HACKS

HE HACKS AGAIN

He has a very limited mental capacity, that boy

He has nothing to do with the mosque

HE HUMS

HE HUMS DELILAH

He just didn't want to put his hand in his pocket

HE LAUGHS

He only had to do one thing

He probably got them off the back of a lorry

He said no matter what anybody bids, he's going to bid more

HE SIGHS

HE SIGHS

HE SIGHS

HE SIPS LOUDLY

HE SPLUTTERS AND COUGHS

He took an aptitude test

He was right about that

He was spying on me earlier with a drone

HE YELPS

He'll love you more for saving money

He's a bit upset because my daughter doesn't want to marry him any more

He's asked me to accompany him to the next meeting

He's here to fix the photocopier

He's our technical wizard. Him- That's what I used to do back in Somalia

He's taking Mo for his swimming lesson today,

He's very close to the management, very influential

Hello

Hello- Daddy

Hello-!

Hello, Amjad. Sorry for using your printer, sir. Completely fine

Hello, Brian

Hello, hello, hello

Hello, hello, hello!

Hello, I'm home! HE CLEARS HIS THROAT NOISILY

Hello, ladoo

Hello, Mr Khan speaking. What

Hello, Mrs Khan. How are you

Hello, sir. Amjad, what are you doing here- Daddy sent me

Hello, sir. Amjad, what are you doing here- I've come to see Shazia

Hello, sweetie!

Hello, sweetie. How's it going- Good- Good

Hello! Mr Khan, community leader!

Help! I can't sw-i-i-i-m!

Here she is

Here, have this

Here, use my phone. Are you sure, sir

Hey, big spender. Any advance on 2,500

Hey, I like your...hairclip

Hey, make a note of that one, WPC Nadia

Hm! Hm!

Hmm

Hold on! Yes!

Hold your horses!

Honestly, Mr Khan, if you were that desperate,

Hope I can count on your vote, sir

House looks nice

How did it go with Mo

How do you mean- Right, I'll show you. Hang on

How does he know about that

How is Bradford better than Dubai

How many husbands has she gone through now- Four

How's the car- The Mercedes, eh

Huh!

I always chaired the meeting when Mr Qureshi was here

I am taking the minutes of the meeting on the computer

I am the proper manager

I am!

I assure you there is absolutely no danger of that

I bet they haven't

I blame the father

I blame the immigrants

I blame the parents, too

I bought these for the winter, saves on central heating. Ha-ha!

I call it NWA

I can get you a good deal. Where was it you and Mum used to go

I can't do that if you don't bully me. I don't know what to say

I can't remember his number. It's in my phone! No, it isn't. It is!

I could have had a glamorous career in modelling

I don't just blame the immigrants, sweetie

I don't know how I'd manage without her

I don't know who to feel more sorry for

I don't know. She might. How

I don't like cricket. I know. And that's good

I don't suppose you have an espresso machine

I don't think my hand's very firm, sir

I don't think so

I don't think so. It's dead boring. You're right. It is

I don't understand, sir. It's about keeping a cool head,

I don't want her saying things about my plastic covers

I don't want to see you or that stupid drone near my house

I feel really bad saying this, but, you know,

I got them all

I have a dream, a song to sing

I have to ring him on my mobile and do the telephone bidding

I haven't got time to think about holidays

I haven't had a beach holiday since Great Yarmouth, 1988

I haven't received any texts

I hear it gets quite chilly in New York at this time of year. Brrr!

I just need some me time

I just thought, wedding, mosque, something didn't feel right

I just want to say thank you, sir

I knew it! She hates us

I know a good place family-run guest house in Bradford

I know it sounds expensive, but I've found a really good deal

I know what's really happened here!

I know you can hear me. He can't. Can you, sir

I know, let's go back to Great Yarmouth

I know. I know it was meant to be a surprise. It's a surprise all right

I know. Let's play a game

I mean after the cricket. You wore your ****stan top

I mean on Alia's trip. Boys are going too

I mean, Debbie. Amjad..

I mean, Mr X bids in the auction,

I meant where we're going to go

I might even get my own parking space at the mosque!

I must say, I didn't expect you to outbid Mr Malik like that

I nearly drowned then as well

I need a lift to work. I'm on the afternoon shift

I need to talk to you about booking the mosque

I need your staff discount card

I never got to go on a summer camp

I observe the five pillars. And anyway, doesn't the Koran teach us

I preferred Mo and Nadia

I probably shouldn't tell you this, but earlier on, Noor told me

I said chup! Is this not bloody working-!

I said I was thrown into the Jehlam River

I said stop it now, Mrs Khan!

I see. Wait a minute

I sent you the e-mail. That was from you

I should've known

I spoke to that guy over there for ten minutes, he was lapping it up

I tell you what why don't you go home,

I think I might have run out of credit. What

I think my heart has stopped. I'm dead! You've killed me!

I think you might be being a teeny bit racist, Mr Khan

I thought I heard the doorbell. Will it be Auntie Noor

I thought I was chairing the meeting

I thought I'd just, er, pop round and say hello

I thought that was one of those dodgy Nigerian con artists

I thought you said we had to stand up to bullies. Did I

I thought you said you can't spend money on holidays

I thought you said you could swim, sir

I thought you used to go there before we were... No

I told you as soon as we had the date for the wedding,

I tried breathing in, but I almost died

I used to get all the boys. I tried not to

I used up all my battery trying to download the praying to Mecca app

I want no backchat from anyone!

I want to look nice

I want you to stay away from Alia. She's a good girl

I wanted to talk to you

I was just looking for the prayer mats

I was just wondering if I could use your loo

I wasn't expecting you till tomorrow

I will not let you ruin Alia's life the same way my father ruined mine

I will sell, make no mistake. Hang on, Dave. Amjad, say something!

I wish I was more like you, a better dad. Oh, Amjad,

I wouldn't know. He's not obsessed with money, like some people

I'd come and see if you need a hand with yours. Aw, thanks

I'd like to call this Annual General Meeting

I'll get it it'll be Auntie Noor with Alia

I'll make up some excuse to get her round to yours

I'm back!

I'm busy. Talk to someone else. Like who

I'm coming

I'm delighted to make the acquaintance

I'm going to grab a coffee

I'm in our room, hurry up! OK, I'm coming

I'm just freshening it up. Mrs Malik is coming round with Amjad tomorrow

I'm just going to see a man about a patio

I'm making a list of complaints about you, you know

I'm making space next to the sink so you can fix it

I'm Mr Khan, community leader

I'm not good enough for her

I'm not having Alia stacking shelves with a bunch of losers

I'm not supposed to. Brian is very strict about these things

I'm not sure mine will fit, sweetie

I'm not sure that's going to help

I'm paying for your bloody wedding. On the cheap!

I'm really sorry, Mr Khan, but the mosque is booked

I'm sorry

I'm sure they'll understand

I'm taking her to New York. No, you're bloomin' not

I'm talking about non-violent resistance,

I'm telling you about my daughter's wedding,

I'm telling you, she's not that great!

I'm very keen to hear all about it. Mr Khan. Yes, ****stani name

I've already bought the tickets! What!

I've been cooking and cleaning all day long

I've been kidding myself. She'll never want to marry me

I've been texting Shazia all day, like you told me to

I've been working the room, selling the idea. So it's going well

I've made a mosque out of Lego so I can work out where everything goes

I've texted Amjad. He'll tell them

If I die, Shazia will kill me

If I remember, you spent most of my childhood too busy to do anything,

If I want to do my business in nappies, then I will

If she found out what you've been up to

If you say so. I do say so

If you try and stop Alia and me

If you'd let us book the mosque, none of this would've happened

Imagine that father of an imam

IMITATES BULLY- Keep clear of our side of the Stratford Road..

In a good way!

In detective work, things aren't always what they seem

In fact, keep clear of our side of Stratford Road..

In fact, let's take a photo, huh

In my day, you were just thrown into the water. Who threw you in

In the real world. It's a disaster waiting to happen

Into the Jhelum River,

Involving stolen TVs, an illegal extension at number 34,

Is everything all right- He's suffering from low self-esteem

Is it something nice and career-oriented

Is it something to do with water buffaloes

Is it- Well, if it isn't, it should be

Is New York anywhere near LA

Is now a good time to see Auntie Noor- No!

Is Shazia...

Is that it's a jungle out there

Is the mosque really the right place to have your wedding

Is there a children's grazing area

Islam is not the fastest growing religion in the world for nothing

It is more racist you calling me racist!

It is my big day, Dad

It is, if you're going to be Sparkhill's first-ever female imam!

It isn't. Look, there's nothing under Daddy. It's under Mr Malik!

It stands for Annual General Meeting,

It was Amjad's

It was buy one, get one free

It was the best time I've ever had!

It's a good question, but now is not the time to dwell on it

It's a Muslim religious study camp

It's all about good parenting, uh

It's amazing. Do you know, your dad said it's the most incredible thing he has ever heard

It's an extraordinary item, inserted at the last minute. Nobody told me

It's an Umrah trip. A pilgrimage to Mecca

It's for a good cause, digging wells for ****stani villages

It's forbidden in the Koran

It's going to be a wonderful occasion

It's gone to voicemail

It's just I've always had this dream of being on a beautiful island

It's just that Shazia is having

It's like having our own little imam. But without the beard

It's luxury family holiday, courtesy of Mr Butt's Travel Agency

It's not a bid, it's a death sentence

It's not a sign

It's not about violence. Violence never solved anything

It's OK, Dad, I understand. Yes, so

It's OK, I get this a lot. I am a Muslim. I'm a convert

It's OK, I got it again

It's OK. I forgive you

It's probably for the best, Papa

It's that we need to live together as one community

It's the sacred word of God, never to be taken lightly

It's very vulgar

Item one, the women's group would like a new minibus

Item two, Mr Hafiz would like a giant screen in the meeting room

Just a couple this week, Mr Malik has a prior engagement,

Just call Alia and tell her to come back now

Just call him. OK. 2,500 going once. No, it isn't

Just forget about Auntie Noor!

Just mind you don't hurt yourself

Just say what bullies say

Just stay away from me and my family!

Just stay away from my house!

Just you and me, the kids, Matt and Debbie

Just you, me, Shazia and Matt

Keith, have you finished my patio yet

Keith! Yes

Kitchen's out of bounds. I'm mopping the floor

KNOCK ON DOOR

KNOCK ON DOOR

KNOCK ON DOOR

KNUCKLES CRACK

Leave him alone. It's not his fault! Is it, Papa

Let go of Mrs Malik. No, really

Let the nursery deal with it. Do you think- Of course

Let's get Mo to the pool before the tide comes in

Let's move on, shall we

Let's not worry about that now, eh

Let's talk about something else

Let's use our rainy day money to pay for their honeymoon

Like a young Sean Connery, that's what she said

Like boys. OK

Like Martin Luther Vandross

Like who

Listen, pal, you're the one interfering with drones

Little Mo doesn't stand a chance if he doesn't see his father

Live and let live

Look at her

Look at him

Look at that. Perfect Muslim daughter

Look at that. Wonderful. Reading the Koran, huh

Look at this!

Look, Dave, you put me in a very difficult position

Look, I've booked the mosque, OK- I said I would do it,

Look, I've made my declaration of faith

Look, Keith. I'm a businessman. I saw a business opportunity

Look, Mum, we need to talk about this holiday. What is it, beti

Look, who's in charge of this family- Mum

Look, why don't we just all calm down, uh

Look. Just get me in there and nobody needs to know

Look. This, too much

Looks like a god, thinks like a monkey

Looks like Rajah Moores

LOWERS VOICE- ..play with a straight bat, you know

Luckily for you, you are married to a ****stani businessman, hey

Making out we're common

Matt's just packing the rest of our stuff, so I thought

Maybe he doesn't want to marry me

Maybe I can help- No, thank you

Maybe I should just forget about the honeymoon

Maybe I'll ask my manager if Alia can do her work experience here

Maybe I'll be a film star, too

Maybe it's a sign or something!

Maybe it's a surprise. Maybe we're not supposed to know. Know what

Maybe some of them. Alia is young and vulnerable

Maybe we could do the conversion for you

Maybe we should have an English wedding

Maybe we should just go somewhere cheap in England

Maybe. You never know with womens

Me

Me and you are going to take Mo swimming. You- Can you even swim

ME-! I'm Asian

Mind you, we've had to limit it to four per customer otherwise

Mine was the free one

Mmm! What's this

Mmm... Eh

MO HACKS

More like big four days

More like drive him, like proper driver

More Muslims!

Mosque, shmosque

Mostly because she's so short

Motion denied

MR KHAN CLEARS HIS THROAT

MR KHAN GIGGLES

MR KHAN HACKS MO HACKS

MR KHAN HACKS NOISILY

Mr Khan, community leader

Mr Khan! Mr Khan!

Mr Malik is taking me out to an Indian restaurant tonight

Mr President Khan. Pleased to meet ya

Mr Qureshi must have mentioned me

Mrs Bilal! What are you doing in the mosque office

Mrs Khan's father

Mrs Latif texted to say there's been another UFO over Sparkhill

Mrs Malik

Mrs Malik and Amjad are here!

Mrs Malik had some thoughts about the wedding. What- Again

Mum... Oh, and I went a bit mad and bought two hats,

Muslims all over the world are doing tang tang left, right and centre

Muttonhead. You're a muttonhead

My cousin Waseem is married to my other cousin Waheeda

My father wouldn't allow it

My fellow business leaders

My flag

My friend's a booker at an agency in New York

My hat got wet, so I bought these on the way home. You bought two hats

My house, my rules. Opens again at quarter past six

My wife's going to kill me

Neighbourhood Watch Asian-style

Nevertheless

Next president of Sparkhill ****stani Business Association!

Nigel Faraji was right

No

No bloody way!

No blooming way! Boys, nursery now. Chin up. He-hey!

No footprints, see

No, budhoo, they're the names of our friends, Matt and Debbie. Oh

No, I meant my dinner jacket

No, it won't be nice if she comes. Why

No, no, no

No, that doesn't sound like me

No, they actually can't come- Her husband died

No, we should be going

No, we should go round their house right now and confront his parents

No, you're not. That's not fair

No! Not the kitchen! Why not

No! Yes!

No. Dad! How could you do this to me

No. He wants to win the auction, money's no object. What do you mean

No. I couldn't do that