The 40 Year Old Virgin Movie Soundboard Edit

And now I have to go hunt for some hose.

And she has three kids and one of her kids has a kid. You all right? Did you say that she she has three kids, One of whom has a kid? Yeah, so. So she's a grandma. No, I'm not a doctor or anything l...

And you are? Gina. Gina. Hey, what's up?

Any questions? Here's a cute story. I came home the other day and he is with his girlfriend in my marital bed doing things that are illegal in Alabama. Sex acts, right. Things that my wife won't do...

Are you fucking retarded? The Hell's the matter with you?

Are you gay? No, I'm not gay. I've been with tons of women. I touched the guys balls at Hebrew school once. Dude, it's not a big deal. You like to fuck guys? I'm cool. I got friends to fuck guys in...

Are you OK? Fucker came out of nowhere.

Bitch get off the road, bitch out the road.

Bitch get off the road, bitch out the road.

Bow chicka bow, chicka bow, bow, bow. Yeah.

But why? Every time schedule comes out, I get most early shift. It's bullshit. Nobody buys there at 10 in the morning. People buy stereo between 6:00 and 8:00. Rich men get off work, then by stereo...

Cock. Sucker. Motherfucker.

Come on the other.

Do you have any weed? Yeah. I mean, like, what are we talking like, are we talking like just enough to get me baked for like, a week? That's a lot of weed. Where are you going? I'm not going anywhe...

Don't let him bother you talking to have sex. Let everybody, the pussy magnet you. What are you, 25? I'm 40. Holy shit, man. You've got to get on that.

Don't. Please don't do this.

Dude, are you gay? No, I'm not gay. I've been with tons of women. I touched the guys balls at Hebrew school once. Dude, it's not a big deal. You like to fuck guys? I'm cool. I got friends to fuck g...

Dude, are you gay? No, I'm not gay. I've been with tons of women. I touched the guys balls at Hebrew school once. Dude, it's not a big deal. You like to fuck guys? I'm cool. I got friends to fuck g...

Fuck me in the ass.

Gay now? No, I'm not gay. I'm just celibate. I think. I mean, that sounds good. I just want you to know that this is like the first conversation of like 3 conversations that leads to you being gay....

God damn it, I'm ripping your head off right now. It's off. And now I'm throwing it at your body. Fuck you.

God Sucker. Motherfucker. You shit. Oh, I hate you. I hate you. So fuck you.

God, Friday when I went home, I really wanted an egg salad sandwich and I was just obsessing about it and I was like, man, I'm going to make one of those. So, so Saturday I went out and I got like ...

Harvey, get some fucking French toast.

He's a really nice guy and all, but I'm pretty sure that he is a serial murderer. Cares, man. He's a nice guy. I just want to get drunk, fucked up and play some cards. That's great. Look, I don't w...

Hello. Hey, how you doing? How you doing? I'm well. Who is it? This is James. I was wondering whether you had a few minutes to talk about Leah Lauder detergent. Are you a telemarketer, James? Are y...

Hey lookie, I can see through your shirt. Nice.

Hey man, got a big box of porn for you?

Hey man, got a big box of porn for you?

Hey, Aziz, can you just give us a second? We're just kind of in the middle of something. Hey, I'm on my break, OK? Hey, fuck off, Aziz. Leave us alone, all right? Fuck off. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck...

Hey, hey, hey, hey, mother fucker.

Hey, I'm not going to be done buffing the marble for about 1/2 an hour, but you can come in and sit down if you want. We're waiting in the lobby. It's OK. It's up to you. Dude, get the fuck out of ...

Hey, no, don't ignore me. I know what this is.

Hey, Paula. Yeah. I got to tell you something. I'm really excited about it. For the first time today, I woke up, I came to the store and I I feel confident to say to you that if you don't take this...

Hey, wait, do you have protection? I don't like guns.

Hey, wait, do you have protection? I don't like guns.

Hold my hand. Are you kidding me? Oh my God. Damn hand, man.

Hope you have a big trunk because I'm putting my bike in it.

Hope you have a big trunk because I'm putting my bike in it. I don't.

Hotline. Hi. Yes, I'm calling because it's been more than four hours and your ad said to call if it's been more than four hours. Well, how much of the medicine have you taken, Sir? I haven't taken ...

How much have you had to drink, man? Oh, how much have I had to drink? Hey, how many pots have you smoking? What are you talking about? Oh, how many times have you got into the bathroom in your lif...

I am going to tell her she should totally tell her man going to because I watched this movie called Liar Liar and the message was don't lie. That was a smart movie.

I can't do it. I can't hear public. I've got a metal block about it. Come on, do it. Ah. I've been in public.

I don't be a n****. Be my. All right. Help me out. I ain't nobody's. I mean you. Somebody's wearing this tie.

I don't kiss and tell. Fuck it. I raised you nastiest shit you've ever done. I'm talking about nasty. Ah wow, so many stories are running through my head right now. I dated this girl for a while. S...

I don't kiss and tell. Fuck it. I raised you nastiest shit you've ever done. I'm talking about nasty. Wow, so many stories are running through my head right now. I dated this girl for a while and s...

I don't kiss and tell. Fuck it. I raised you nastiest shit you've ever done. I'm talking about nasty. Wow, so many stories are running through my head right now. I dated this girl for a while and s...

I need genital, the genital connection, and that's all I need.

I need some food.

I want to introduce you to my friend. Your friend is so shiny. This guy knows exactly what I like. Where's your friend going? This is how I'm going to warm up for you. That's always good to warm up...

I went out with this girl for four months and it was the great. Greatest thing in my life. Until she went down on this guy in an Escalade, I think. And you know, instead of like, saying, OK, what a...

I will hang your old ass by your turban or cover. Now, do you see any fucking turban here? Do I talk like a turban guy? Do I say, Hey Jay, do you want to slippy? Do you want to slip me? Fuck you, o...

I will hang your old ass by your turban or cover. Now, do you see any fucking turban here? Do I talk like a turban guy? Do I say, Hey Jay, do you want to slippy? Do you want to slip me? Fuck you, o...

I would rather listen to Fran Drescher for 8 hours than have to listen to Michael McDonald. Nothing against him, but if I hear Yamo be there one more time, I'm going to Yamo burn this place to the ...

I'm also going to need that extended warranty on it for the price of on the House. That I can't do. I don't be a n****. Be my. All right, Help me out. I ain't nobody's. I mean you. Somebody's weari...

I'm fine. Are you fine? Yeah, you're fine then.

I'm sorry. Oh, that's OK. I think I kind of had that coming. I still have sex with you if you want. You know what? I think I'm going to pass on the sex, if you don't mind.

If you talk dirty to you. Oh, she loved to dirty talk totally into it. She'd be like, yeah, let's screw, let's I want to fuck. God it was so dirty. She'd be like, oh me, so horny me love you long t...

Is it true that if you don't use it, you lose it? Is that a serious question? No, it wasn't.

It looks like the Doppler radar. Can you believe that? This child ain't even four months old? He even four months old yet? Look at what he's packing everybody Dick looks big on 60 inch TV. My siste...

It's your boy. Yeah, that's my boy. We were at the same smart tech. You just got fucked up with him both. Y'all going to get clapped up when I get back. Both of your knees? What did I do? It don't ...

Last thing, I'm also gonna need that extended warranty on it for the price of on the House.

Let me show you how this device works. Right. I'm just looking for a cordless phone. Yep, it's great. You can do anything. Make a video diary. It's like, hey Amy, how's it going? How you feeling? I...

Likes you, man. Too bad I retired my penis.

Listen up. What fucking in balls and pussy. It's about love. It's about people. It's about connection. It's all about connections. It's set up with cock and ass and tits and butt hole pleasures. It...

Look at him. He looks younger than all of us, but he's 10 years older. Why? It's because he's never had a relationship. No, she devil sucked his life force out yet.

Look at me. Looks are not important. Really, look at me. I am ugly as fuck by traditional standards, but I get with women. Aren't you curious as to how that's possible? I am not ugly as fuck. I did...

Look at your bra and your breasts and everything that's so great. Wow. You know what? You're so hot. You're so hot smoking I should. You know what? I'm going to have sex with you. That's why we're ...

Look, you guys, I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I don't even know who I am. All I know is that moment scares the shit out of me and I just want to go home, Okay.

My girlfriend Jill found your speed dating card. Oh, yeah, right. God, I've been looking for that speed dating card. Thank you so much for bringing it to me. So you actually wrote that One girl loo...

Nice.

No Kelly Clarkson.

No Kelly Clarkson.

No, I saying.

Oh man, I love titties. So.

Oh yeah, right.

Oh, we're going to need more wax. I'm staying.

Oh, why can't we let it be and see through the hole in this wall of confusion? I just can't help the feet later, the life of disillusion.

Oh, yes. You're not looking at me. Do you think I'm pretty? Look at me, Look at me, look at that.

Oh, you fucker.

Oh, you know what? I'm not the only person in the world who rides a bike. Yeah, everyone rides a bike with their fucking six. Why don't you kiss something? Because this, this is over, you guys.

OK, here we go. Yep, Yep, 123. Down nipple Fuck. Micah, you should burn it out. Okay. All right. No, seriously, I think I'm done. I think we're done. I think that's good.

OK, how do I tell which ones are drunk? Now you talk and I check this out. You see this redhead over here with the big old titties? You know, I'm not just going to stare at a woman. I'm not telling...

OK, what time do you want to pick me up? Let's see. That's actually kind of a problem because I ride a bike. That's cool. Are you kidding me? I love getting on the back of a motorcycle. My boyfrien...

Our souls were connected in this way. I can't describe it. Time stood still. It was like we were sharing the same heart. Stop, man. Why do you always come and kill the vibe with those things? Shari...

Psych.

She had The tits were unbelievable. Oh man, I love titties, so.

She had The tits were unbelievable. Oh man, I love titties, so.

She had The tits were unbelievable. Oh man, I love titties, so.

She just loved to get down with sex all the time. She was like any time of day. She was like, yeah, let's go. I'm so nasty.

She talked dirty to you. Oh, she loved to dirty talk Totally into it. She'd be like, yeah, let's screw. Let's. I want to fuck. God, it was so dirty. She'd be like, oh me, so horny me love you long ...

She talked dirty to you. Oh, she loved to dirty talk Totally into it. She'd be like, yeah, let's screw. Let's. I want to fuck. God, it was so dirty. She'd be like, oh me, so horny me love you long ...

She wants to be some immature little bitch and blow everybody. That's that's love, man. It sounds horrible. Of course it's horrible. It's suffering and it's pain and it's, you know, you lose weight...

She was a hoe for show.

She's adorable. Fucking bitch.

She's adorable. Fucking bitch.

Sick of you poaching my customers. I'm sick of your crybaby bull. You want you want Take the shit outside. Just take it outside and just squash it. Let's stay inside so everybody can see what the w...

Sick of you poaching my customers. I'm sick of your crybaby bull. You want you want Take the shit outside. Just take it outside and just squash it. Let's stay inside so everybody can see what the w...

So how was that for you? When the moon is in the 7th house and Jupiter. Lines with mark. Then peace will guide the planet and life will steer the stars. It is dawning of May.

So shit, man, fuck it.

So tell me, Montel, why won't we invite the party? What are we, Al Qaeda? You're not coming to our fucking party either, OK? Fuck you. OK, first of all, it ain't that kind of party. Go fuck a goat....

So you think she was definitely a man? Yes. OK, well, how did you know that she was a man? Because her hands were as big as Andre the Giants and she had an Adam's apple as big as her balls. So you ...

Streep!

Take your porn with you. I'm not taking it. Take your box of porn is my gift to you. No, I don't want it, David. It's not just just Andy. For the last time, I don't want your giant box of pornograp...

Take your porn with you. I'm not taking it. Take your box of porn. Is my gift to you. No, I don't want it, David. It's not just just handy. For the last time, I don't want your giant box of pornogr...

That's how a tiger knows he got to tackle a gazelle. It's a code written in his DNA. It says tackle the gazelle and believe it or not, and every man there's a code written it says tackle drunk bitc...

That's how you talk. You know what? I don't have to answer to you. You ain't my bitch. No, I sayin so. Shit, man. Fuck it. You shouldn't even be hanging out with this pervert. I don't hang out with...

That's the way you want it. That's the way home is going to play it.

There is a hot ass girl who works right there. There she is in the bookstore. You should ask her out man. Something wrong with her underpants.

There was something. What happened? How was the day with Trish? It was a disaster. Really. Yes. I've never been more embarrassed in my life. I couldn't get the condoms to work and one of them explo...

There were two sides of that billboard, and they both hurt equally.

This is Everybody Loves Raymond. That's probably not supposed to. This is a good show. I just tape it sometimes. Well, I don't think you understand something, Dave. I don't. I don't want this stuff...

This is the bullshit of all bullshit, you scumbag ask you Sir.

This is the bullshit of all bullshit, you scumbag ask you Sir.

This is. Everybody Loves Raymond. That's probably not supposed to be. This is a good show. I just tape it sometimes. Well, I don't think you understand something, Dave. I don't. I don't want this s...

This isn't what it looks like. OK, what does this look like? And what do you do with this vagina to learn it's for medicinal purposes?

This one looks pretty good. Oh, you don't want to buy that PCR? I don't. No, actually, to be totally honest with you, you don't want to buy any VCR. It's a dead technology.

This shit just got rigged. What you gonna do? I'm gonna tell you what I'm gonna tell you. I'm gonna do. You know Luke and Perry from 20th and 25th? Since I was 16. I'm saying frosty, You know what ...

Watch TV. I'll probably rewatch Gandhi Gandhi. Baked is good, but isn't it? I always feel bad when I watch it bait because I get really hungry and I'm eating a lot. And poor Gandhi's fucking starvi...

Waxing your chest is like the gayest thing you could possibly do, OK?

We can do it. But if you want to. But if I want to watch. But what do it do it what I don't know. But what?

We have a great section of Do it yourself. Do you like to do it Yourself?

We went to Tijuana, Mexico, you know, and we we, we thought it'd be fun, you know, to go to the show everyone's you got to check out one of these shows and you know, it's it's a woman fucking a hor...

We've given you all the advice we have to give.

Well, instead of having intercourse, you could have outer course. Outer course. Oh, what's that? Yeah, what is that? Well, outer chorus is anything that isn't vaginal intercourse. I prefer vaginal ...

Well, instead of having intercourse, you could have outer course. Outer course. Oh, what's that? Yeah, what is that? Well, outer chorus is anything that isn't vaginal intercourse. I prefer vaginal ...

What if she laughs at me, though? Then you punch her in the fucking head. If she laughs, I'm not going to punch her in the head. She's really sweet. No, I mean you punch her in the fucking head emo...

What if she laughs at me, though? Then you punch her in the fucking head. If she laughs, I'm not going to punch her in the head. She's really sweet. No, I mean you punch her in the fucking head emo...

What? Are you glad this guy? He's a fucking ringer, man, this is hog shit. You. You're a fucking asshole. Just tell me. Come here, tell me who's a nice guy? Didn't you, motherfucker? People fuck yo...

What's this is your your date drug? Your roofie? It's a Mentos. Dir. The Freshmaker.

When should I call her? You like her? Yeah. You definitely don't want to call her. When is the next Olympics?

Who the fuck are you to put me on trial? I've never even met you, so why don't you back the shit off, all right? And stop with the Inquisition.

Why you always telling me to fucking go, man?

Why'd you cheat on her? Because I'm insecure. You can't tell.

Wow, this is graphic.

Wow, this is pretty crowded. Yeah, well, you know, $9 beer night.

Wow, this is pretty crowded. Yeah, well, you know, $9 beer night.

Yeah, well, virgin is not a dirty word, you know. It's a dirty word is asshole. And that's what you guys are.

Yeah, well, Virgin's not a dirty word, you know, It's a dirty word. It's asshole. And that's what you guys are.

Yeah. All right. OK. Yeah. That was a fun day.

Yes, you're pretty. We're not looking at you're pretty. Do you think I'm pretty? Look at me. Look at me. Look at that. You're pretty.

You are never going to meet anybody with that kind of mentality about women. You're sick son of a bitch. Who The Who the fuck are you to put me on trial? I've never even met you, so why don't you b...

You are you are putting the pussy up on this pedestal. You just building the pussy up, man. What are you even talking about, building the pussy up? What does that mean? You making the pussy into th...

You broke up two years ago. You like get over it at some .2 years, man. You need to get past that because no ass is worth thinking that much about, I always say.

You got a Hummer from the tranny, didn't you?

You guys are so up your asses.

You guys are so up your asses.

You just flick me in the nuts? No. Like doing the fleshy, patchy or nuts used to be. Wow. Quit licking my balls, man. OK, I'll stop licking your balls. But I'll start punching your nuts. Oh, OK. We...

You know how I know that you're gay? Oh, you have a rainbow bumper sticker on your card that says I love it when balls are in my face. That's gay.

You know how I know that you're gay? You like the movie made in Manhattan? You know I know you're gay. How? I saw you make a spinach dip in a loaf of sourdough bread once. You know how I know that ...

You know how I know that you're gay? You like the movie made in Manhattan? You know I know you're gay. How? I saw you make a spinach dip in a loaf of sourdough bread once. You know how I know that ...

You know it's a fun game, huh? You take 3 eccentric PMS and you see if you could whack off before you fall asleep. You always win is the best part about the game.

You know it's a fun game, huh? You take 3 eccentric PMS and you see if you could whack off before you fall asleep. You always win is the best part about the game.

You know what guys? This is not a good look for me.

You know what guys? This is not a good look for me.

You know what? I respect women. I love women. I respect them so much that I completely stay away from.

You know what? I respect women. I love women. I respect them so much that I completely stay away from.

You know, I know you're gay. How do you know I'm gay? Because you macrame yourself a pair of Jean shorts. You know, I know you're gay. You just told me you're not sleeping with women anymore. You k...

You know, I know you're gay. How do you know I'm gay? Because you macrame yourself a pair of Jean shorts. You know, I know you're gay. You just told me you're not sleeping with women anymore. You k...

You know, I may not have had sex, but I could fuck you up. Yeah.

You know, I may not have had sex, but I could fuck you up. Yeah.

You know, the thing about relationships is that they make one person go. And the other person go, what are you talking about? And then one person goes.

You look like a man O Lantern.

You look like a man O Lantern.

You look like a nano Lantern.

You need to stop fucking around with my friend, OK? Because you're giving him hope and it's driving the man crazy. I moved, I changed my e-mail address, my phone number, OK? He's practically stalki...

You think we should take the part into my apartment or what? I am RSVP, yes.

You're a good looking man. Thank you. Very pretty. Real soft, delicate features. They're real feminine, you know, Which is good for me because that would be a simple sort of transition, you know wh...

You're gay for saying that. I'm gay for saying that. You know I know you're gay. How do you know I'm gay? Because you macrame yourself a pair of Jean shorts. No, I know you're gay. You just told me...

You've got the scope out, a hot drunk chick, and then you just make your move, OK, all right. And remember, it's more important than she's drunk than she's hot.

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