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The Love Guru (2008)

The Love Guru is a comedy film released in 2008. The movie revolves around Pitka, an American raised by gurus in India, who becomes a self-help expert. Portrayed by Mike Myers, Pitka is hired by a hockey team's owner (Jessica Alba) to help their star player (Romany Malco) regain his confidence and save their season. Filled with hilarious moments and unconventional wisdom, this movie also features talented actors like Justin Timberlake, Verne Troyer, and Ben Kingsley. You can enjoy the film's sounds by playing and downloading them here.

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A dickie does wither at 85. I own you! Yeah!

A real connection.

A role model turned bad boy.

Action picks up here in game seven with only 31 seconds left to go.

Actually, it's Leafs.

All bids for connection count.

All right, I'm just gonna come out and say it.

All right, kiss ass.

All right, then.

All right, you know what?

ALL: Mariska Hargitay.

ALL: Mariska Hargitay.

ALL: Ro an choke! Ro an choke! Ro an choke! Ro an choke!

ALL: Ro an choke! Ro an choke! Ro an choke! Ro an choke!

ALL: Seven, six, five, four... Seven, six, five, four...

ALL: Stink Mop!

ALL: Stink Mop! Stink Mop!

ALL: Stink Mop. Go.

An incredible comeback!

And a grueling process of intense self examination.

And after a good whipping, cream rises to the top.

And as I once read on a wall, in a truck stop bathroom in Barstow,

And at the same time, I want it prompt.

And by the way, you look breathtaking.

And Guru Cheddafrumunda had a guru, Guru Hathasmalvena.

And I got her cheap.

And I have a message from Darren Roanoke.

And I hope the staples come out soon.

And I like the way my skin feels when I'm wearing my rainbow jacket!

And I wear a chastity belt.

And I will go deliver it to her.

And I will not take a shortcut.

And I'm Jay Kell.

And I'm Jay Kell.

And if I get on Oprah,

And if I twist my thumb, I can make you crap yourself!

And if they don't see Darren and Prudence together by the next game,

And if you can restore Darren Roanoke's marriage,

And let's look at the word "Bible," shall we?

And look at this crowd! They are guru crazy!

And me being number two?

And my guru, Guru Tugginmypudha had a guru, Guru Cheddafrumunda.

And now she wants you back!

And now, I'd like to apologize to Dame Judi Dench

And now, I'd like to show my love by making for you a Quebec pizza.

And on that farm, he did no harm.

And Oprah loves a great story.

And put it all into action.

And say this guru, maybe not me, maybe somebody else,

And that you can suck his big greasy...

And that's the end of that one. Yeah.

And the bitch was not one of them.

And the question on everyone's mind is, where's Roanoke?

And the you of "guru" is intimacy.

And this guru was, you know, handsome, you know,

And throw stuff at my head.

And two elephants started humping outside,

And we haven't won a Stanley Cup since.

And we've got the momentum!

And what did they do before then?

And what's the other tattoo?

And you got on Oprah.

And you! You're just a stupid rich girl!

Ann Visible, Ann Flatable, and Ann Job.

Any bears? Oh, yeah.

Anyone for any reason.

Are you all right?

Are you as turned on as I am right now?

Are you as turned on as I am right now?

Are you finished? No!

Are you leaving?

As great as you are, I don't need to become the next Deepak Chopra.

As long as Jacques "Le Coq" Grande is banging Darren's wife,

At Promises, I shivved a guy with a sharpened toothbrush

At the arena, I had Maintenance paint lines

At what number did you live?

Babu, to be the world's second most popular

Babu, you cannot take a shortcut.

Baby, are you all right?

Bad distraction gives you a mouth full of whizz.

Ball gazer! Oh, my God! There you go!

Bear cub. Left cave.

Beat it, Rajneesh.

Beat it. I gotta take a dump.

Beautiful pass!

Because alligators are snappy,

Because he bogarted the rehab toilet hooch

Because he has plenty of clarity, organization, charm, and knowledge.

Because if that were the case, we would refuse payment.

Because you are now distracted, therefore playing better.

Because you are such a generous benefactor,

Because you decided you couldn't win without Roanoke.

Besides, I still have a few trick on my sleeve.

Between Prudence and how crappy you are playing?

Bing bam boom, you got a baby pachyderm. Back to you, Trent.

Blowme is a good way to remember that. Blowme, yeah.

Blowme, yeah. Blowme.

Boo! You suck, Bullard!

Brad and Angelina.

Break the pickle. Tickle, tickle.

Bring your singles. Yeah.

But before the playoffs,

But before we get going, I'd like to start by thanking my own personal champions.

But Darren is not ready! He must truly deal with his mother.

But did you stand up to her?

But fate chose these sides, not us.

But he won't allow her to go to the games.

But he's playing great!

But his point was this, "If you can't love yourself, you can't love another."

But how will you get Grande away from Prudence?

But I don't care if you win the Stanley Cup.

But I know you have your meeting with the Lollipop Guild.

But I need to become the next Deepak Chopra!

But I won't say bad things about myself!

But the question on everyone's mind is,

But the refs will see that on our post game highlight reel.

But wait, it gets better!

But we will let the dice decide.

But what you had with Darren is love with knowledge.

But with ownership comes responsibility.

But you must never say bad things about yourself.

But you'll also get Prudence back.

By the greatest singer ever from Quebec,

By the power of Gahar, I command thee to vanish!

Can the Leafs do it again?

Can the Leafs win without Roanoke?

Can you forgive me?

Celine! It is my day of lucky!

Champers wishes!

Chastity belt? That sucks!

Check for coins.

Cherkov, call a time out.

Cherkov, Pitka's coming. You...

Cherkov, relax!

Coach Cherkov, I would invite you,

Coach, I'm ready.

Come by my ashram tomorrow at noon.

Come by my ashram, then I will explain.

Come on now, you. No, you.

Come on, Bodhi! Let's go quickly! Come on, Bodhi!

Come on, Roanoke! Let's go!

Come, Rajneesh, a breakthrough!

Come. My staff has prepared a lovely meal.

Commence Stink Mop.

Condescending. That's a big word for you.

Congratulations, you have been regressed.

Connection. Yeah.

Damn it! We're down three games

Damn, damn, damn!

Darren and Prudence are back together, we got a shot at winning the Cup,

Darren Roanoke is in the game!

Darren, I took a shortcut with you, and I'm sorry.

Darren, if your Uncle Jack helped you off an elephant,

DARREN: Got it.

DARREN: Making love. Falling asleep in each other's arms.

DARREN: Niagara Falls is amazing.

DARREN: Okay. Yo, this my street right here.

Darren's toast.

Deepak, here you go.

Deepak, you will enjoy love in all forms.

Dell Computers, this is Chip.

Depends. Depends on what?

Dick Pants. Send him in.

DICK: Guru Pitka?

DICK: Guru Pitka?

DICK: He's definitely in.

Did someone order the special Quebec pizza, eh?

Do I look like a child? Of course I want curlies on my nuts.

Do not peck my fucking eyes! Don't peck my eyes!

Do you have something to say to me?

Do you know a Dickie Withers at 85?

Do you still think there is no connection

Do you think he's really changed?

Do you want Prudence back? Of course I do.

Do you want to be the next Deepak Chopra or not?

Doesn't everyone? Who is this guy?

Doesn't feel good, does it?

Doesn't mean that Prudence will only love you when you achieve.

Don't look at me with that tone of voice,

During my recent addiction to peyote buttons and Frangelico.

Enter, Maurice.

Even Jay Z had 99 of them,

Even they would rush to the window.

Failure? There's no such thing as failure.

Fate is a joke.

Feels good. I mean, tastes good. I mean, what?

Fine. I don't need material things.

Fine. I don't need material things.

First of all, let's agree next time we decide to have a group meeting,

Five minutes. Well, you better hurry up,

For my vicious and brutal attack.

For reasons that cannot be stated on this program.

For those of you who don't know what that is, allow me to "Kellistrate."

Forget about it.

Frankly, this is completely unexpected, and I'm scared shitless.

French Canadian goalie, Jacques "Le Coq" Grande.

Game seven will be in Toronto.

Get me out of here, pricks!

Get off my tits!

Get the crash kit!

Give me a pound.

Give me a pound. Lock it down.

Give me that ticket! Give me it!

Go back to what you were doing.

Go to your naughty mat, Dick!

Go, Leafs, go! Go, Leafs, go!

Goal! Roanoke may be fighting for his life,

Good luck. He won't even let me in.

Grande's not going to like you talking to Prudence.

Great rack, tight bell shaped ass,

Growing up in the tiny village of Harenmahkeester,

Guru Hathasmalvena had two main periods of his Gita,

Guru Pitka had a farm.

Guru Pitka, this is Jane Bullard, owner of the Toronto Maple Leafs.

Guru Pitka? What happened to you?

Guru Tugginmypudha, you are so good with nunchucks,

Guru Tugginmypudha, you are so good with nunchucks,

Had a certain vow.

Had a nice gleam in his eye, a nice tuck in his butt, say.

Have you read my book on the grieving process?

Have you seen today's paper?

He can pretend to play while he's at home,

He could play in game four.

He could watch the game at home, but he can't play!

He needs a distraction. Jane, follow me!

He said while eating a chicken wing.

He said, "Damn!"

He shoots! He scores!

He stunned the world by separating from his wife, Prudence.

He told me to tell you that you're all his bitches,

He was in a perfect marriage.

He won't allow his mother to come to any of his games!

He's been on Oprah.

He's finally here for the first time on the Oprah show.

He's gotta take the shot, now!

He's right! I'm just a stupid rich girl about to be a huge failure.

Hello, Los Angeles Kings.

Hello, superstar.

Here in the tiny Indian village of Harenmahkeester,

Here it is. There's your soup. Watch out! It's dangerous!

Here we go, here we go.

Hey, any bears in the cave?

Hey, Peter, can we move the camera in? All I can see is asses.

Hey, ref! I'm having a heart attack.

Hey! I said stay away from the girl!

Hey! It's down to one game.

Hi, I'm Trent Lueders!

His mother only lives an hour away,

Hockey has its legends.

Hold on one second.

Hold on, hold on.

Holy (BLEEP)...

How can you be the Love Guru

How did you get there?

However, we must confront your mother.

I actually went to one of your sutras after my father passed away.

I am His Holiness, the Guru Pitka.

I am His Holiness, the Guru Pitka.

I am His Holiness, the Guru Pitka.

I am just severely cross eyed.

I am making diarrhea sounds with my cup.

I am not going with you, Dick.

I am not thinking about my chastity belt.

I am talking into my voice over machine.

I am the first Guru Pitka!

I can only go out with three girls named Ann.

I can see you now, spreading your message of self love

I can't explain.

I can't face my ma.

I can't move my body!

I decided to use the Morgan Freeman setting.

I didn't hear anything.

I do trust you.

I don't know what Grande just said to Roanoke, but he is now out to lunch.

I don't know where I get it.

I especially like the chapter, "It Might Just Be Sleeping."

I explain that when love goes wrong...

I explain that, people may say bad things about you,

I find that term condescending!

I find your work really inspiring.

I found a voice over machine,

I get it! I am distracted!

I got on Oprah, right?

I gotta get my girl back, GP.

I guess it's just my fate!

I guess you got everything you wanted.

I had a hat like that once. Yeah?

I have one idea that just might work. Yeah.

I have our guru.

I have two tattoos.

I haven't laughed like this in such a long time.

I just came by to say hello and goodbye.

I just got the call. You are 100% booked on Oprah.

I know Prudence has had it up to here with Grande.

I know why. I know why.

I know you are not trying to tell me how to raise my child.

I know, but I must deliver this apology letter to her.

I know, it is weird.

I like the Christmas babies, Trent!

I love hockey, too!

I love hockey! I love hockey!

I love you, baby boy.

I love you. I love you.

I may have twisted my thumb. Yeah.

I mean, he can't even play in front of his own mother.

I mean, I didn't even ask for this job!

I miss Prudence.

I miss the connection.

I must finish my job with Darren.

I promised myself I'd never do this.

I say take the risk.

I see someone who's ready for change.

I should go. No, Jane, wait! I...

I so enjoyed your sutra, especially the part about not being a victim.

I speak of intimacy, or "into me I see."

I spoke with your wife, Prudence.

I suppose all that's left is...

I think I made a happy wee wee. Yeah.

I think I'm about to risk something.

I think I'm gonna have to do a panty check.

I think they're doing it hard.

I think you are an amazing guru, and...

I thought you said he was cured!

I thought you said he was cured!

I told her she should give you another chance.

I told you that we shouldn't have come here.

I took another job.

I want to become a guru so girls will like me.

I want to sing!

I was afraid that Prudence would leave me if I didn't win the Stanley Cup,

I was ominous just then.

I was put on this earth to spread a message of peace and love.

I will show you a Darren who is completely changed.

I would like to have a "damn" moment like that someday.

I would not wanna be his nutsack.

I'd still be a hero

I'll break your fingers.

I'll kick your ass all the way back to the Keebler factory.

I'll take that as a yes.

I'm a hockey player! That's what hockey players do. We fight!

I'm beautiful and I have a secret.

I'm gonna kill you, Roanoke!

I'm not here to work with you.

I'm not married.

I'm not really sure why.

I'm regressing you.

I'm sorry to hear about your father.

I'm sorry, I didn't catch your gnome... Name!

I'm sorry, Judi, you did not deserve that,

I'm the next Deepak Chopra, right?

I'm the next Deepak Chopra!

I've already apologized to my friends, my family, and my god.

I've read all your books.

I've read it. It's impressive.

If he can fix Darren, we win the Cup.

If I didn't have to deal with the city that hates me.

If I fix their marriage, I get on Oprah,

If I sit like this any longer, I'm gonna pop my dink bag.

If Roanoke doesn't pull through, it's all over for the Leafs.

If you can get Darren Roanoke back with his wife

If you don't get on that plane, I will take 60% of the ashram!

If you ever sucker punch me again,

If you follow my method, not only will you win Stanley's Cup,

If you've never been in a relationship?

In my book, If You're Happy and You Know it, Think Again,

In order to learn distraction,

In the valley of Lintinmybelli.

In time to win the Stanley Cup.

Intimacy is like putting your wiener on the table and having someone say,

Is it made from dog?

Is never ever watch the puck.

Is the subject of our player profile.

Is this a dog's thingy? Am I being punk'd?

Isn't that just adorable?

Isn't there any way that you could skip a step or two?

It all comes down to this, ladies and gentlemen.

It is an Indian martial art known as "how to hurt a guy."

It is called Stink Mop.

It is the ultimate distraction.

It says, "Thank you for the gift of true intimacy",

It sort of became our song.

It would be great if you could stick around for a while.

It would just be easier to change,

It's a bar fight!

It's a bench clearing brawl!

It's a problem.

It's all my fault for not putting more pressure on you to succeed.

It's another article about Deepak Chopra being number one

It's called Kartapal Birigalapatt.

It's called, What's This? A Dead One of These.

It's Darren Roanoke.

It's good, it's good, it's good, it's good, it's good.

It's hard to laugh when men only see you as some curse.

It's just that you're not always the most supportive, Ma.

It's like in The Electric Company, you know?

It's the beard. It makes me look like Santa.

It's the only way.

It's the story of a hockey player named Darren Roanoke,

Jacques and I get along just fine.

Jacques Grande. Is he "Mr. Right" or "Mr. Right Now?"

JACQUES: Ding dong.

JACQUES: Prudence?

Jane, I promise you, everything will be fine.

Jane, I'm on my way.

Jane, there is no curse.

JANE: Congratulations.

JANE: No! Get back! No!

Jane! Jane, wait!

JAY: I cannot be killed but with fire!

JAY: That's when Roanoke fell apart.

Just because your mother only loved you when you achieved

Just buy us some time.

Just Etch A Sketch everything I was saying.

Keep the elephant running.

Known as the Tiger Woods of hockey,

L.A. Kings, Toronto Maple Leafs. It's gonna get ugly.

Ladies and gentlemen, here to sing The Star Spangled Banner,

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the incredible Miss Celine Dion!

Let me answer it this way.

Let me get this straight.

Let me show you out.

Let's get back to the action.

Let's go to the Kellistrator.

Let's look at the word "guru," okay?

Let's rip off their heads and shit down their necks!

Listen up! It's down to one game,

Listen, Darren, I know we are rivals,

Little help, please!

Look at you. You're jumpy.

Look what you did to my jacket.

Look, he's dancing. Yeah. Right.

Look, man, just get back on your pillow, all right?

Looks like he's smuggling a schnauzer.

Looks like I'm gonna have to shove these love beads someplace special.

Ma! I'm a grown man, and I can take it from here.

Made of two lychees wrapped in a doughy pouch.

MAN: Bravo, Verne, bravo.

MAN: Deepak Chopra. Maurice Pitka.

MAN: Starting mark.

Mariska Hargitay, Guru Pitka.

Mariska Hargitay, Jessica Simpson.

Mariska Hargitay, Speedy. Yeah.

Mariska Hargitay, Val Kilmer.

Mariska Hargitay, Your Holiness.

Mariska Hargitay, Your Holiness.

Mariska Hargitay, Your Holiness.

Mariska Hargitay, Your Holiness.

Mariska Hargitay.

Mariska Hargitay.

Mariska Hargitay.

Mariska Hargitay.

Mariska Hargitay.

Mariska Hargitay. That's great.

Mariska Hargitay...

Master, if I am not allowed to be with a woman,

Maurice, if Plato, Shakespeare and Einstein

Maurice, why do you want to join?

Maurice, you're not of Indian blood.

May I have the key?

Miss Celine Dion.

More like gay skin, how about. What? Yeah.

My balls, you prick!

My father once told me the Yankees hired a guru to turn their team around.

My father, Hank Bullard, bought the Leafs in 1967.

My goal is to get you to say, "Gee, you are you."

My laws of intimacy are kind of like my Bible.

My little cabbage?

My most resistant student,

My name is the Guru Pitka,

My problem with men is the Bullard Curse.

Neo Eastern Self Help Spiritualist is no small thing.

Never ever watch the bottle.

Nice place, eh? Yeah.

No way! With Drama, there is no shortcuts.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Let me handle this.

No, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no. They protect me.

No, no, no! You!

No, no! Nothing to see here.

No, you might want to pick up some Depends.

No! Leave that man out of this.

No! Please, no!

No. Well, it does.

No. Why do you ask?

Not a chance, boss.

Not again! What? Why, why?

Not everything, Jane.

Not in as many words.

Nothing goes right ...nothing goes right.

Nothing. Why do you ask?

Now I'm finished! And, Pitka!

Now you know what it's like.

Now, do you want to win Stanley's Cup?

Now, everyone, let's just take a seat.

Now, get out there, and don't kill them.

Now, how long will it take you to get dressed and get down to the ice?

Now, I myself have a guru, Guru Tugginmypudha.

Now, if any of your other players have any professional catastrophe,

Now, take a look at this.

Now, the first lesson is distraction.

Now, the new one, Darren Roanoke.

Now, the new one, Darren Roanoke.

Now, what happens if you don't score this goal?

Now, what is it you can't face?

Now, why won't you let your ma come see you play?

Now, your entourage must stay behind.

Nuts in a sling.

Of course I can forgive you.

Of course not, Rajneesh.

Of course, we don't know if we're going to game five!

Oh, don't tell me,

Oh, God. Am I still dreaming?

Oh, hell no! Oh, hell no!

Oh, Mom, don't, don't.

Oh, my God, I just got that!

Oh, my God. You look so beautiful.

Oh, my pretty. Miss Bullard, it has been terrific.

Oh, thanks, but I'll pass.

Oh, yeah, they do. Oh, no, they don't.

Oh, yeah, they do. Oh, no, they don't.

Okay, gotta go.

Okay, there are two ways to regress you.

Okay. All right.

Omar Sharif, my balls!

On Oprah. Oprah!

Once again, I'm Trent Lueders.

Once you have learned

One game suspension, Roanoke!

One involves your mother, your shame core,

One tattoo is the Drama tattoo,

Only early attempts at success.

Oprah called me, and she said you canceled.

Oprah! Come on, Oprah.

Or "into me I see."

Or even way down here.

Or I punch you in the shirt!

Or some such bullshit. I don't know. Gotta go!

Or words of wisdom.

Otherwise, what am I gonna do with this?

Our plane is about to leave for Oprah,

Our plane leaves in 20 minutes.

Out of the way! Coach! Coach!

Over to you, Trent.

Over to you, Trent.

Pants! Sheket Bevakasha!

Personal pain, or a drug addiction,

PITKA: (IN MORGAN FREEMAN'S VOICE) And so our story ends

PITKA: (IN MORGAN FREEMAN'S VOICE) When I was a child in India,

PITKA: It was at this point that I realized

PITKA: Oh, please. How bad can she be?

PITKA: Remember, Darren, you must stand up to her.

PITKA: That was great!

PITKA: What'll you have?

Pitka's coming. Just stall.

Please do not hesitate to call.

Please enter the ashram of the Guru Tugginmypudha.

Pop Tart with the ketchup.

Pressure also makes rubble.

Pressure makes diamonds.

Prudence always wanted me to stand up to my ma.

Prudence would stare into my eyes, and she'd say...

PRUDENCE: So you went to see your mother?

Put me down, A hole! Okay.

Put that shit on a T shirt.

Quaking pudding! I can't take this!

Rajneesh will now prepare a dish

Rajneesh, I... Wait a second, who is Chip?

Rajneesh, I'd like an alligator soup, and make it snappy.

Rajneesh, you have to come meet me!

Rajneesh, you have to come meet me!

RAJNEESH: Bodhisattva!

RAJNEESH: Do you think Grande saw us?

RAJNEESH: Sir, please, please make sure it's locked, sir. Please, over there.

Rajneesh! Mariska Hargitay.

Regress you back to your childhood.

Remember, being vulnerable is being woundable.

Ride 'em, cowboy.

Right here? There. Right there.

Right, let's talk about Jacques Grande!

Roanoke brought the sport to a whole new audience.

Roanoke could win the Stanley Cup here.

Roanoke fell for the five hole trap.

Roanoke found out his wife, Prudence,

Roanoke on the breakaway, just him and Grande!

Roanoke with the puck.

She broke it off with Grande,

She freaks me out.

She's like kryptonite to him.

Show the T shirt.

Sir, may I borrow your elephant, Lucy?

So did you give Prudence my apology letter or what?

So I left Prudence first.

So, all the men in the city blame me and my family.

So, before you take this shot, I just need to say

So, do you think you can come back with us to Toronto in the team jet?

So, Guru, enlighten us. What is your plan?

So, let me get this straight.

So, what do you want me to do?

So, what do you want to do now?

So, you are the owner of the ice hockey team, the Toronto Maple Leaves?

So, you didn't reject me.

Some announcements.

Some pre syphilitic words of wisdom include,

Someone's in here. Someone's in here!

Sometimes we would wake up a couple hours later,

Sorry I punched you in the nuts.

Speak of your parents.

Stay down, bitch!

Stick a fork in them, they're done.

Stop Hitting Yourself.

Students, now I am going to teach you the "D" of drama.

Superstar, it's me, Guru Pitka!

Superstar, look at your hands.

Superstar! What did he say to you?

Sure. You don't need me.

Take a shortcut!

Tell Coach Cherkov to buy some time!

Thank you so much!

Thank you very much.

Thank you, Rajneesh.

Thank you, Speedy. That's great.

Thank you. Thank you, sir.

Thanks to Roanoke, the Leafs advance to game five.

Thanks to Roanoke, the Leafs have got the Kings on the run.

That I'd made from apples and pantyhose.

That is distraction.

That is our safe word.

That little booger gave me a nose whistle during the whole show.

That my student was finally shedding his defenses.

That self love is more important than being loved by others,

That was a good one.

That was beautiful.

That was lovely. But we need to talk about Darren.

That would mean Roanoke would be out for game two and three!

That's Darren's mother! Quaking pudding!

That's funny to you?

That's great. Nice hat.

That's hilarious. My parents are dead. Thanks.

That's okay. Give me a hug.

The Bible is "basic instructions before leaving earth."

The curse is over for the Leafs, and I need to sleep!

The Ecumenical Intuitive Enlightenment Initiative Organization,

The end of game four, and the Leafs take it two to zero.

The fans who supported me with their cards and letters

The first period came before he got syphilis.

The first thing is, an eye for an eye leaves everyone blind.

The five hole is here, between the legs.

The Kings are one win away from a Stanley Cup victory.

The Kings lead the Leafs, one to nothing.

The last rule of guru is to rid student of the need of guru.

The Leafs have won three straight games!

The Leafs look rattled without Roanoke.

The man's an ass!

The people at Oprah are very excited!

The second thing is,

The Toronto Maple Leafs will pay you $2 million,

The ultimate distraction!

The whole nine yards.

Then I need you to write Prudence an apology letter,

Then I will like myself.

Then my mom got a job.

Then that's what you have to face.

Then tomorrow we will go to her!

Then you are not allowed to fight anyone for any reason!

Then, after he got syphilis, he would say things like,

There ain't no connection between my love life and my hockey.

There are two things about violence they teach you when becoming a guru.

There has to be another way.

There is no key. There never was.

There is one other thing.

There's a snap in the back.

Therefore, he's able to say to Prudence,

They are one game away from a Stanley Cup victory.

They call him the Love Guru.

They can't be happy in the Leafs' locker room right now.

They guarantee that you will be on her show!

They were dog stylists.

They were into doggy style before the missionary position?

They're not shaking!

They're not shaking!

Thicker than a Snicker...

This is a disaster. He's my only...

This is great, Your Holiness!

This little guy scared the crap out of me.

This may go badly.

Though I was raised here in India, I was born in America,

Three girls named Ann? Yeah.

Throw a hex on you.

Throw a hex on you.

Tickle, tickle.

To seek my true self.

To show me where the crowd can't see me.

To tell you the truth, I kind of have a schoolgirl crush.

Tonawanda Street? I know this street.

Tonawanda Street.

Tonight I want you to go from nowhere

Tonight is all about champions.

Tonight, the Toronto Maple Leafs' Darren Roanoke

TRENT: And the Kings take the first game of the Stanley Cup Finals.

TRENT: And we're getting ready to drop the puck for game one of the Finals.

TRENT: At the end of the first period,

TRENT: Five hole trap!

TRENT: Game five here in Los Angeles.

TRENT: Game four here in Los Angeles.

TRENT: Game six here in Toronto!

TRENT: Game three here in Los Angeles. The L.A. Kings have beaten the Leafs.

TRENT: It's a yard sale!

TRENT: Ladies and gentlemen, the Leafs take the ice.

TRENT: Leafs call their last time out.

TRENT: Roanoke has done it! We're all tied!

TRENT: Roanoke is freaking out...

TRENT: Roanoke is hit hard. Open net! He misses!

TRENT: Roanoke with the puck. What a pass!

TRENT: Roanoke's going for the Ice Slam!

TRENT: So, the Leafs lose game two by a whopping six to one score.

TRENT: The Deluca Brothers Circus is coming to town.

TRENT: The Toronto Maple Leafs have won the Stanley Cup!

TRENT: They're coming after Roanoke!

TRENT: This is it, folks.

TRENT: This is it, folks.

TRENT: This is it, folks. Game four.

TRENT: Tonight, game one of the Stanley Cup Finals.

TRENT: Wasting no time after his suspension, he is back!

TRENT: Well, here we go. Game seven.

TUGGINMYPUDHA: I am not blind.

TUGGINMYPUDHA: Thank you.

Two and three, out, can't play in the game.

Two million dollars!

Ugly. You want to hear ugly?

Uncle Jack. Can I get a hand getting off this elephant?

Until we get the call from Oprah.

Very well, I'll have your nuts in a sling.

Was dating the L.A. Kings' legendary.

Way to go, Roanoke! You jag off!

We are completely hidden by this bush.

We are establishing the "Mariska Hargitay Special Victims Unit."

We can beat these clowns.

We didn't waste time. We didn't waste no time.

We have to go back in there and confront your mother.

We must adjust your negativity, mature you,

We must distract you from your emotional pain,

We must now take him back to his childhood.

We shall now compete in a game of tag.

We take it in my office.

We're all tied up, folks, with only eight seconds left!

We're out of time outs.

We've not much time. I have an apology letter from Darren.

Welcome Guru Pitka.

Welcome to my ashram,

Welcome to my new Toronto ashram.

Well done! Nice job!

Well, as I write in my book Stop Hitting Yourself.

Well, can we win the Cup without Roanoke?

Well, come on, I don't have words for it.

Well, here comes Lucy the elephant.

Well, how do you do? Shrimp?

Well, I hear you rappin', Sister McCrappin'.

Well, I'm sure you're sick of this.

Well, I've been wearing this belt since I was 12 years old.

Well, in my book, I Know You Are, But What Am I?

Well, it's hard to believe a girl like you can't find a man.

Well, no, you! You!

Well, say there was this guru, say.

Well, thank you.

Well, that's easy to say and hard to do.

Well, there is someone I like.

Well, they didn't protect you from that outfit, now, did they?

Well, this kitten's got a whip. Meow!

Well, this was fun.

Well, to be more accurate, the joke was in Rajneesh's hands.

Well, whoever wins tonight walks away Stanley Cup champions.

Well, you know, I deflect because of the pain.

Well, you know, I got attacked by a rooster. So, you know.

Were talking about the meaning of life,

What a freaking idiot.

What are you doing?

What are you not thinking about?

What did you do to my rooster?

What did you say to me?

What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?

What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?

What do you make of this?

What do you think I want to do now?

What does Deepak Chopra have that I don't have?

What does that mean, "a girl like me"?

What does this sound like?

What does your husband think about this crush?

What I need is to get you to follow my method, Drama.

What if it doesn't work?

What is it you can't face?

What is that? Corn dog.

What kind of vow?

What the hell are you doing?

What the hell happened to you?

What? You tell me to be vulnerable, and then you turn around and wound me?

What'd you call me, Jagamo?

What's a Bullard Curse?

What's that mean?

What's the capital of Thailand?

What's the downside of throwing away your fear?

What's the other way? Well...

What's wrong with shark skin?

What's wrong? We can't do this.

Where are you going?

Which I still use to this day.

Which is after this game, 'cause we're in game one.

Which is where our journey begins.

Which signifies the self determinist philosophy

While I do your calves, I'd like to sing a song

Who became my greatest teacher.

Who do you like tonight, Jay?

Who is this in my house?

Who is this prick?

Who's the gift basket from, Dick?

Why Are You Still Hitting Yourself?

Why do you hurt me?

Why do you think Darren Roanoke threw away his marriage?

Why do you want to join the Tugginmypudha Ashram?

Why won't you let your mother come to any of your hockey games?

Why'd you tell me not to fight?

Will you help me? I can't.

With one second left! It's a penalty shot.

Without intimacy, you feel nowhere.

WOMAN OVER PA: Flight 22 to Chicago is now boarding at Gate Five.

Would His Holiness staying on qualify as an extension?

Would you like some soup instead?

Would you like your nuts to be crushed?

Wow, these things are heavy. Yeah.

Yeah, he's got a lot of that, all right.

Yeah, well, I can't keep getting my ass kicked!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! You are laughing!

Yeah. Here we go.

Yeah. Just for funzies, you know.

Yeah. This ain't Driving Miss Daisy, man.

Yes, he has a ginormous hog.

Yes, I am, asshole face man!

Yes, I wanna win the Stanley Cup!

Yes, it is arbitrary! Fight anyone for any reason!

Yes, of course!

Yes, of course.

Yes, of course. Yeah, business. Yes, of course.

Yes, yes, yes, it's good.

Yes, you own me.

Yes! "Gee, you are you." TM.

Yes. I only pulled away from you because of this.

Yes. Maturity and Action.

Yes. Oh, you have?

Yes. We did Maturity and Action.

Yet you are blind.

You are a midget.

You are my compass.

You are now ready to meet your ma.

You bastard. You totally caught me in a ball gaze.

You better stop right there.

You can say bad things about me,

You can try to beat him here. Or here.

You don't know hockey!

You feel inadequate,

You got a problem?

You have a firm grasp of the obvious.

You have gone from nowhere to now here.

You have, what we call in the guru business,

You just said don't fight... What, it's just arbitrary with you?

You know, just to make sure Darren's okay.

You know, like in the porno.

You know, nice girl, intelligent,

You lied to me!

You may now renounce your vow of chastity.

You may remove the belt.

You mean Roan choke more like.

You see, I left 'cause I was scared that if I didn't win the Stanley Cup,

You see, you're filled with joy of a child!

You should stop.

You think this'll work?

You were born on third, and you think you hit a triple!

You will go cross eyed!

You will never be the next Deepak Chopra!

You would leave me.

You're a bad, bad person.

You're a good man, Deepak Chopra.

You're an idiot.

You're as cute as pie.

You're back on drugs, aren't you?

You're back, Babu!

You're dead, Roanoke!

You're just afraid of intimacy, or into me I see.

You're just devoted to a higher purpose.

You're leaving? Yes.

You're like prison bitch jumpy.

You're like the poor man's Deepak Chopra.

You're not allowed to fight anyone in today's hockey match.

You're on your own when it comes to your mother.

You're the Guru Pitka.

Your Holiness, I spoke with the producers at Oprah,

Your Holiness, the check and I will be in the car.

Your Holiness, you're an expert on love.

Your Holiness? Mark my words, this shortcut will haunt you.

Your manager Richard Pants is here.

Your spot will go to Deepak.

Damn. DARREN: Damn.

Go! Go! ALL: Here we go!

JANE: Congratulations. DICK: Well done.

MAN 1: Hey, yo, check this, son! MAN 2: Check this!

PITKA: No, no! CHERKOV: Let me at him!

PRUDENCE: Darren? LILLIAN: Come on, baby.

'cause there's only six minutes left in the game!

'Cause, man, I don't play well around her, man.

"Be loving and open hearted with my emotions."

"but we've decided to work with Deepak instead."

"Damn!" Quaking pudding. That's not good.

"Did it smell that bad when you ate it?"

"love without knowledge."

"M" and "A" spells "ma," and we went to Buffalo and we saw his ma.

"That looks like a penis, only smaller."

"The joke is in your hands."

"To do something is God."

"To know something is good."

(ALL CLAMORING)

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

(BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY PLAYING)

(BOTH COUGHING)

(BOTH GIGGLING)

(BOTH SCREAMING)

(BOTH SPEAKING FRENCH)

(BUZZER BLARES)

(CLUB MUSIC PLAYING)

(COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING)

(CURSING IN FRENCH)

(ELEPHANT TRUMPETING)

(ELEPHANT TRUMPETING)

(ELEPHANT TRUMPETING)

(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)

(FLIES BUZZING)

(HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING ON CAR RADIO)

(HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

(IMITATING WHIP CRACKING)

(IN FRENCH ACCENT) This interview is over.

(IN ROBOTIC VOICE) By your command.

(JACQUES GROANING)

(JANE LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)

(LAUGHING) Why am I laughing, man?

(LAW AND ORDER SOUND EFFECT)

(LAW AND ORDER SOUND EFFECT)

(METAL CLANKING)

(METAL CLANKING) What was that?

(MORE THAN WORDS PLAYING)

(MOUTHING) Hi, baby!

(MOUTHING) I don't know!

(MOUTHING) I love you.

(MOUTHING) What do I do?

(NOSE WHISTLING)

(PHONE DIALING)

(PHONE RINGING)

(PHONE RINGING)

(PITKA CHUCKLING)

(PITKA CHUCKLING)

(PITKA GROANING)

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON CAR RADIO)

(SOFTLY) Read the letter.

(TUGGINMYPUDHA LAUGHING)

(TUGGINMYPUDHA LAUGHING)

(TUGGINMYPUDHA LAUGHS)

(WHISPERING) Yes, you do. Yes, go ahead.

(WHISPERS) Hey! Mister!

(ZIPPER UNZIPPING)

♪ 'Cause I'd already know ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm a picker ♪ ♪ I'm a grinner ♪

♪ And I'm a sinner ♪

♪ And make a joyful noise ♪

♪ And make a joyful noise ♪

♪ And make a joyful noise ♪

♪ And the tide's gonna turn and ♪ ♪ it's all gonna roll your way ♪

♪ Baby did a bad, bad thing ♪

♪ Baby did a bad, bad thing ♪

♪ Baby did a bad, bad thing ♪

♪ Barely getting by ♪ ♪ it's all taking and no giving ♪

♪ Barely getting by ♪ ♪ it's all taking and no giving ♪

♪ Barely getting by ♪ ♪ it's all taking and no giving ♪

♪ Because I speak ♪ ♪ of the pompatus of love ♪

♪ Because you love me ♪

♪ BOTH: Saying I love you ♪

♪ Brimful of Asha on the 45 ♪

♪ But if you only knew ♪

♪ But you've got dreams ♪ ♪ he'll never take away ♪

♪ By the dawn's early light ♪

♪ CHOIR: Raise it up ♪ ♪ and make a joyful noise ♪

♪ Every single day now ♪

♪ Everybody needs a bosom ♪

♪ Everybody needs a bosom ♪ ♪ for a pillow ♪

♪ He plays his ♪ ♪ music in the sun ♪

♪ He's a lover ♪

♪ He's a sinner ♪

♪ Hold tight ♪ ♪ 'cause we don't stop ♪

♪ I am the love guru, yeah ♪

♪ I drove all night ♪

♪ I get my loving on the run ♪

♪ I play my music in the sun ♪

♪ I shall not be moved ♪

♪ I swear sometimes ♪ ♪ that man is out to get me ♪

♪ I watch like a sparrow ♪

♪ I watch like a sparrow ♪

♪ I'm a midnight toker ♪

♪ I'm a smoker ♪

♪ I'm a smoker ♪

♪ Is all you have to ♪ ♪ do to make it real ♪

♪ Is not the words ♪ ♪ I want to hear from you ♪

♪ Is not the words ♪ ♪ I want to hear from you ♪

♪ Is that all right ♪

♪ Is that all right ♪

♪ It's enough to drive you ♪ ♪ crazy if you let it ♪

♪ It's enough to drive you ♪ ♪ crazy if you let it ♪

♪ It's not that I ♪ ♪ want you not to say ♪

♪ Lead me to your rock ♪

♪ LILLIAN: Oh, say, can you see ♪

♪ More than words ♪

♪ More than words ♪

♪ No, I shall not be moved ♪

♪ No, no, no, no ♪

♪ Oh, I shall not be moved ♪

♪ Oh, I shall not be moved ♪

♪ Oh, I shall not be moved ♪

♪ Oh, I shall not be moved ♪

♪ Oh, I shall not be moved ♪

♪ Oh, I shall not be moved ♪

♪ Out on the streets ♪ ♪ the traffic starts jumping ♪

♪ Pour myself ♪ ♪ a cup of ambition ♪

♪ Raise it up, raise it up ♪

♪ Raise it up, raise it up ♪

♪ Raise the roof beam high ♪

♪ Raise the roof beam high ♪

♪ Raise up your song ♪ ♪ and not your fists ♪

♪ Raise up your voice ♪

♪ Said I watch like a sparrow ♪

♪ Show me how you feel ♪

♪ Sing it, children ♪

♪ Some call me ♪ ♪ the gangster of love ♪

♪ Some people call me ♪ ♪ the space cowboy, yeah ♪

♪ Some people call me Maurice ♪

♪ That you love me ♪

♪ Then you wouldn't ♪ ♪ have to say ♪

♪ They just use your mind ♪ ♪ and they never give you credit ♪

♪ They just use your mind ♪ ♪ and they never give you credit ♪

♪ They just use your mind ♪ ♪ and they never give you credit ♪

♪ They let your dream ♪ ♪ just to watch them shatter ♪

♪ To get to you ♪

♪ Tumble out of bed ♪ ♪ and I stumble to the kitchen ♪

♪ Waiting for the day ♪ ♪ your ship will come in ♪

♪ Watch, pray, watch ♪

♪ Watch, pray, watch ♪

♪ Watch, watch, pray, pray ♪

♪ Well it's a brimful of Asha ♪ ♪ on the 45 ♪

♪ What a way to make a living ♪

♪ What a way to make a living ♪

♪ What so proudly we hailed ♪

♪ Where I shall not be ♪

♪ Where I shall not be moved ♪

♪ Where I shall not be moved ♪

♪ Where I shall not be, ♪ ♪ I shall not be moved ♪

♪ With folks like me on ♪ ♪ the job from 9:00 to 5:00 ♪

♪ Working 9:00 to 5:00 ♪

♪ Working 9:00 to 5:00 ♪

♪ Working 9:00 to 5:00 ♪ ♪ for service and devotion ♪

♪ You ever love ♪ ♪ someone so much ♪

♪ You gave me faith ♪ ♪ 'cause you believed ♪

♪ You saw the best ♪ ♪ there was in me ♪

♪ You were my eyes when I... ♪

♪ You were my strength ♪ ♪ when I was weak ♪

♪ You were my voice ♪ ♪ when I couldn't speak ♪

♪ You're in the same boat ♪ ♪ with a lot of your friends ♪

♪ You're just a step ♪ ♪ on the boss man's ladder ♪

The Love Guru (2008)
The Love Guru is a comedy film released in 2008. The movie revolves around Pitka, an American raised by gurus in India, who becomes a self-help expert. Portrayed by Mike Myers, Pitka is hired by a hockey team's owner (Jessica Alba) to help their star player (Romany Malco) regain his confidence and save their season. Filled with hilarious moments and unconventional wisdom, this movie also features talented actors like Justin Timberlake, Verne Troyer, and Ben Kingsley. You can enjoy the film's sounds by playing and downloading them here.
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