Mallrats (1995) Soundboard Edit

Absolutely not. As soon as he gets back here, I'm gone

All right, but make it fast.

All right, that's it.

All right.

All you're doing is creeping everyone out.

An ocean, and maybe even some of them

And bickety bam, the motherfucker's rubble. Hence, no game show.

And found a weakness, just like the fucking Death Star.

And how they only concern themselves

And I just want to let you know you don't have to apologize.

And John Slas said that I could use his telescope …

And Ronnie told me I could find you up here.

Anyway, ever since she left it was just the two of us.

Apparently he had a feeling you were gonna pop the question.

Are staring at you here and on TV.

Aren't you … Oh, Stan Lee. Hi.

As long as you promise, next time you pop your old lady …

Before he went home for break.

Bingo.

But Brandi agreed to be on <i>Truth or Date.</i>

But everything is fine.

But he'll outgrow it.

But I never forgot that girl

But sometimes my arm pops out of the socket when I'm sleeping like that.

By ruining her father's show.

Cops never come in here.

Did somebody call your name?

Do you think I care what rat hole store

Do you think it's strong enough to carry his child?

Don't listen to that man, he just said it to be mean.

Douse their drawers at the sight of a mall security guard.

Easy, boy, easy.

Excuse me.

Fly, fat ass, fly!

For now. Uh huh.

Get me LaFours. Right away, sir.

Get your foot off my tit!

Girl trouble.

Go ahead. Ask him about the elevator.

Go, it's okay.

Guess I underestimated you

Has your dad calmed down any?

Hatchet men.

Haven't you ever heard the phrase,

He seems really broken up over this whole thing

He's already taken me to lunch at the Cheese Haus …

He's an alien, for Christ's sake!

He's the manager. The guy's always giving me shit.

Hey, come on, guys. Tell me you wouldn't have popped her?

Hilarious. You've got great presence, kid.

His Kryptonian biological makeup

Holy shit! I never thought I'd see the day …

Holy shit! Motherfucking Yoda and shit!

How about these?

How can this be resolved?

How long has this been going on?

How the hell did you get it?

Hurry!

I also know that, being young once myself …

I asked, didn't I? I'm playing the role of the concerned guy.

I better go talk to her.

I call that illegal.

I can relate.

I can't believe this shit.

I created some special new superheroes.

I got some questions I need answered.

I had a girl, probably the same as yours.

I know. I heard.

I let it slide.

I love the smell of commerce in the morning!

I love tits as much as the next guy,

I mean every part, you know, like his—

I mean, really slept with somebody.

I promise you that.

I thought you had more backbone than this.

I was all right with it till he started dating you.

I was going to propose to you in Florida.

I was just wondering, if maybe you're not busy tomorrow night …

I would say, yes …

I, on the other hand, have had just about

I'd be piss scared I'd get a boner or fucking fart or something.

I'd do it, but I pulled my back out humping your mom last night. Nudge.

I'll need your help. Where are you going?

I'm being rational!

I'm gonna see it if I have to go blind trying

I>

I>

I>

If all she did was dump you, you got off light.

If I put the podium there, it'll stay down.

If it wouldn't mean implicating my daughter in this somehow …

If that's not enough, get this:

If the tape was out of your reach,

If you stare at these things long enough, you're supposed to see …

Is he gone? Halfway to Buy Me Toys by now.

Is this because I didn't introduce you to my mother?

It wasn't <i>Mighty Mouse.</i> It was <i>Josie and the Pussycats.</i>

It's called spooning.

It's just a blank. It wasn't serious.

It's not a stage!

Jagger and me, we had a running contest to see who had the most.

Jesus Christ, you knocked him out.

Jesus, Gwen. The last thing I need at this point …

Just like me when I thought about what I'd given up.

Just the two I'm looking for. I need help.

Knock it off!

Know how long it takes for that smell to come off?

Listen to me. It's over between you two.

Make sure everybody's ready and let's start.

Man, between hoping to win, the crowd out there …

Man, this place is something out of <i>Octopussy.</i>

Maybe he's calmed down a little bit. We'll talk reasonably.

Mmm!

Move it!

Mr. Svenning! Let me help you up.

My dad's asked me to help him with his new show.

No big deal. It's okay.

No, forget about him.

No, I never noticed it before, but she really fuels your engine.

No, there's a soul who might know what's up.

No, you're the accident, you moron!

No.

Not until you tell me what the situation is

Now she's going to be auctioned off on live TV from a mall

Now that we're broken up, you're in for some serious fucking disappointment.

Now, I must warn you.

Of course I was only 14. But that's another story.

Of course, she became a lesbian on her 60th birthday,

Oh, all right.

Oh, and then we adjourn into the auditorium for a stage presentation …

Oh, come on, just once?

Oh, Mr. Quint, I'm Fred Bishop with NBC.

Oh, my God! That's Brandi's father's game show.

Oh, shit!

Oh, sorry, ma'am.

Oh.

On the same plane of existence as the rest of us.

On your birthday, when you asked me to do a striptease …

Once. I shot him.

Oscar Wilde. Mmm.

Ow!

Pay attention, dick.

Purchased tickets for the opera night and took me to stores I like!

Really? Yeah.

Rene seems so coarse, anyway.

Shannon Hamilton? You know that guy?

She deserves the discomfort.

She means sex. I know what she meant.

She really meant that much to you?

She told me. I ran into her a few minutes ago.

Snootchy bootchy nootchies!

So don't be sniffing around her anymore like you tried to do today.

So long as she told me topless.

So you couldn't take her to Florida.

So, I was constantly searching for someplace to keep my arm …

Stan! Hi!

Stay here while I go talk to him.

T.S. and I were just discussing a few of his lesser points.

T.S. Quint. Where's your sense of chivalry?

Take a look.

Thank you for squaring everything with the police.

Thank you.

Thanks.

That I've instilled in her some strong values.

That kid is back on the escalator again!

That's not what happened. Ow!

That's why your relationships fail.

The hole? Please. Go. Now. Uh huh.

The human brown eye here is a walking calamity.

The newly single often feel strangely protective of the ex boyfriend.

The rug keeps popping up.

The show would always go smoother and be less racy.

The smiley face with lashes is for when the guy goes down on me.

The sooner you get that, the better off we're all gonna be.

The Thing? Is his dork made of orange rock like the rest of his body?

The wedding wouldn't be till after we graduate.

Then last week I let one slip. Today she dumps me.

There you go. Not bad, you're learning.

There's only one thing that could take off that edge.

They are not raising their children properly these days.

They got sick. We volunteer to take their place.

They see me here and it's "Suburban Bonnie and Clyde reunite …

They're more vulnerable, they're in much more need of solace …

This saves him the effort. Oh.

To insure everything will go smoothly.

To offer …

Trust me, true believer.

Uh, yeah.

Unfortunately, it's the only way that I'm effective

Unoriginal, uninspired, you know.

Want a sip of my soda?

We gotta disappear, man. They'll be looking for us.

We just nailed it, in your case.

We need you guys to somehow ensure that it doesn't happen.

We'll postpone the start until we figure this all out.

We're about to start.

We're ducking Tricia 'cause she wants to talk

We're going to broadcast a live game show from a local mall this Saturday.

Well, go on!

What did you think, for Christ's sake?

What do you think?

What is this? These are called handcuffs.

What kind of artillery?

What kind of codes? Here, look.

What the hell happened to him?

What time is it?

What, do you work here now?

What, like his assistant or …

What, like the back of a Volkswagen?

What? I've been staring at this thing …

What? What's he saying?

What'd you do?

What's the funny guy doing with his hands?

What's with all the running?

When I saw how he was with you,

When we were at that hotel, prom night …

When you told most of my relatives …

When, Lord?

Where is she?

Where you're going …

Which one they're gonna bury up to its neck

Why am I his sidekick? How do you know he's not my sidekick?

Why do you ask?

Why don't you go get a pizza with me tonight?

Why is there a line?

Will you stop? Stop it! Cut it out!

Would you have gone on vacation with the winner?

Wow, it's a schooner!

Wow! Look who it is.

Yeah, about a million things …

Yeah?

You admit it? You are behind our break up.

You can either lay on it or just shove it in between your bodies.

You can't strike a prisoner in police custody.

You did this, didn't you?

You don't know who LaFours is?

You got bent out of shape the same way over that costume party in high school.

You guys still in?

You have no direction, no college ambition, no job prospects.

You know something? You look familiar to me.

You know what?

You know, they have a whole room you're supposed to do that in?

You looking at that couple inside?

You people, you just don't grasp the precept …

You should have boards in them. All right?

You should learn to heed your own advice.

You two up for getting stoned?

You're dead, mallrat. I'm going to fuck you up beyond repair!

You're retarded. Everybody's mother likes me.

Security? Is it alive?

You're kidding. It's true.

"to slay father in his own home."

<i>and a lot more from the look of it!</i>

<i>But my cousin Walter jerked off in public once. True story.</i>

<i>Good evening and welcome to</i> Truth or Date.

<i>He almost ruined my father's career.</i>

<i>I guess that about wraps it up for—</i>

<i>I mean, no! Textbook closet case. Self loather.</i>

<i>I saw you kiss and it wasn't anything like that.</i>

<i>If we were being intimate …</i>

<i>Is this the kind of guy you want to spend a vacation with?</i>

<i>It lands safely …</i>

<i>Look, lady. You don't know him, all right?</i>

<i>Now, now, now!</i>

<i>Okay.</i>

<i>Our first suitor goes to Marymount College</i>

<i>Our second suitor hails from Canisius College in Buffalo …</i>

<i>plummeting to their certain doom …</i>

<i>So all the passengers are beating off,</i>

<i>Suitor Number Two, you have to wait until</i>

<i>This hate monger? I don't hate gay people!</i>

<i>When Jaws popped out of the water.</i>

<i>where I'd pop on the radio …</i>

<i>with an accurate portrayal of the proprietor of Fashionable Male.</i>

<i>without even discussing it with me first.</i>

<i>Yeah.</i>