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A Million Ways to Die in the West (2014)

"A Million Ways to Die in the West" is a 2014 movie directed by Seth MacFarlane. It follows the story of a cowardly cowboy in the Old West who must overcome his fear to win back his girlfriend. This hilarious comedy Western stars Seth MacFarlane himself, alongside Charlize Theron, Liam Neeson, Amanda Seyfried, and Neil Patrick Harris. If you're intrigued by the sounds of this film, you can play and download them here.

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A disgusting, awful, dirty cesspool of despair, and fuck all of it.

A dollar? I've never seen a dollar.

A few of my sheep and I'll get you the money.

A hard land for hard folk.

A lesson about seeing things through.

A little sharpie poop toot.

A lot of sexual activity.

A man's wife will respect him.

A Möbius moustache.

A moustache A moustache

A moustache A moustache

A moustache A moustache

A moustache If you've only got a moustache

A moustache If you've only got a moustache

A moustache, a moustache

A moustache, a moustache, a moustache

A nail in my fucking ear.

A nickel a target.

A prospector only does that when he's found gold to sell.

A very small bite. That's it.

A woman can make today

After all the lovely years we've been together

After we take that stage.

Ah, Curtis. That was exceptional, buddy.

Ah, Edward, hey. What's going on?

Ah, that should work. Yeah.

Ah, yeah, it's great.

Albert, did you see the look on Louise's face?

Albert, hurry! Get in position!

Albert, I know everything seems hopeless right now,

Albert, I know you're taking this breakup really hard, and I understand,

Albert, stop. Stop.

Albert, these are your favorite socks.

Albert, what the hell are you doing?

Albert, you got her attention.

Albert, you're a catch.

ALBERT: (LAUGHING) I know, right?

ALBERT: Hey, Louise!

ALBERT: I mean, that should have been the end of it, right?

ALBERT: Isn't that amazing?

ALBERT: Oh, shit, Plugger! ANNA: Oh, my God!

ALBERT: Oh, shit.

ALBERT: There's the town picnic.

ALBERT: This is the square dance.

ALBERT: You know, I didn't think about that.

Alcohol doesn't harmonize well with a woman's frail constitution, anyway.

All I know is that there is nothing for me out here

All right, challenge accepted!

All right, look. How about this?

All right, sweetheart.

All right? (SCOFFS)

All right? You're going home every night

All right. Do your best, ma'am.

All right. I lied, fine.

All right. Just two days.

All right. Okay.

All righty. That's one.

All the ladies shut you out

All the time. I live inside her.

All those other guys' fights.

All those other guys' fights.

All we got to do is get up and walk out the front door.

All you need is a little bit of the venom

Along the side of my mouth,

And "red flannel."

And a girl doesn't have to just go off

And apparently, he's not insane. Bullshit!

And burn my house down if I didn't, so...

And even if I make it, you know what can kill me?

And even if you survive all those things,

And every time, I'm surprised.

And for a guy with so much going for him,

And get married right away.

And getting paid to do it?

And good folk know better than to take what isn't theirs.

And he always smells like sheep,

And he needs the comforting touch

And here you are with this complete asshole.

And hole up here in, uh, Old Stump.

And I feel like every time I bring it up, you change the subject.

And I just think if we talked this out

And I just want to be able to give back all the love and affection

And I paid him the money I owe him

And I really wanna be there.

And I saw one in the backyard,

And I say, "Take a look at that"?

And I thought we could go for a walk by the stream.

And I want to do the correct thing in the eyes of the Lord.

And I want you to have that.

And I would never have bet on that, Stark.

And I'm gonna smoke a fucking cigar to celebrate.

And I'm like, "What? Can I do all that?"

And I'm so fucking rich.

And I've been reminded recently

And if he doesn't show,

And if I don't throw myself off this cliff

And it was a sharp one.

And it went... (IMITATING FART NOISE)

And just a small amount of venom in an open wound

And just being able to relax.

And just what kind of moustache are you looking to grow?

And let's you and me just settle this like adults.

And life was a daily struggle for survival.

And make no mistake about the kind of heat we're going to draw

And maybe a little uncomfortable.

And maybe we even laugh about it one day.

And no one else is wearing this.

And now, I'm here,

And now, to serenade us for the sweetheart dance,

And now, we just wait for the sun to set.

And see how it feels, and then go from there.

And smile for 30 sustained seconds.

And straight through to Sherman Creek.

And that's just exactly like that part in the Bible

And the diseases, and the wild animals, and the Indians,

And the general depressing awfulness about the West

And the lady at the boutique told me to buy this

And the main road goes right through Bullhead

And the tooth fairy will leave you a penny.

And then ash on his balls while I'm jerking him off,

And then becomes my hair.

And then becomes my sideburns,

And then Clinch is gonna be the dead man.

And then goes up the edge of my jaw,

And then I lost her.

And then I win!

And then I'd lift it up and I'd be like, "Oh, shit, it's a big joke."

And then just extend it straight through your...

And then maybe I can fix it?

And then one day, she did.

And then went back and killed the guy's teenage son

And there is a mountain lion warning in effect.

And they plan to build a farm.

And this may be the booze talking, or your pep talk, or both,

And this... (WHISTLES)

And tougher, and stronger.

And we have time to be husband and wife.

And we need to talk tonight. What happened to your face?

And we want to save ourselves for our wedding night.

And we wish them all the luck.

And we've been together for a long time.

And what a relief for all these people

And you're pretty much screwed.

And, oh, oh, you want to see more death?

And, uh, wild animals. You know, like snakes.

And, uh, wild animals. You know, like snakes.

And, you know, it seems like you're just staying in and sleeping all day.

And, you know, it's like the whole time we were together

Andrew, Jonathan, no. Go, go, go. Go home.

Anna, I can't be in a gunfight.

Anna, I'm gonna keep you out of harm's way.

ANNA: Let me help you.

ANNA: Mmm hmm. She's the new GF. Big time.

ANNA: Oh, my God.

ANNA: Okay, so you're gonna take your right thumb,

ANNA: So, you killed Clinch Leatherwood,

ANNA: What are you gonna do?

ANNA: You know, there's probably gonna be some reward money.

ANNA: You know, you did great today.

ANNA: You're an idiot.

Anna! Ruth, can I come in?

Any Indians here tonight? How'd you get tickets?

Anything about you after all this time.

Anything that happens to him right now is his own fault. Got it?

Are you calling me a thief, old timer?

Are you in pain right now?

Are you kidding me?

Are you sure you can't call it off?

As fast as you can.

As much as my horse enjoyed making them for you.

As we sip the cold summer beverages

At least have Dr. Harper take a look at it tomorrow.

At least stay through the weekend.

At the teat of our coffers.

Aw, somebody shoot some fucker!

Baby, if you fight him tomorrow, you will kill him.

Barnes, wake up. Brought you a visitor.

Be obliged if you could tell us the shortest route.

Because he did a whole fucking sermon about it!

Because he was afraid he would kill him out of revenge.

Because he's the most vicious gunfighter in the territory,

Because I'd be like, "Oh, my God! Look."

Because I'll tell you, I hate the West just as much as you do.

Because maybe we can make it an all us friends thing.

Because their palates are so completely fucking dulled

Because you suck at everything.

Before she realizes what a good guy looks like.

Ben, check the outhouse. Lewis, the shed.

Ben, you take the men and set up camp.

Bet you never showed her that side before.

Big moustache, thick moustache

BOTH: Oh! Oh...

Boys, there's an abandoned sod house back around that bend.

But good for you for trying to bring it back.

But he doesn't deserve to be shot.

But he's not a bad guy, Foy.

But honestly, and I'm sorry to say this,

But I just wanted to come by and wish you luck tomorrow.

But I really gotta go home and work on myself.

But I tell ya, folks, this telegraph machine... That thing is nuts.

But I think I can do it.

But if you want the quickest way,

But if! caught you by surprise...

But now, I'm the president

But people are living to be 35 these days

But some men were just big, giant pussies.

But the frontier is not your problem.

But there's a lot more there. (ANNA LAUGHING)

But what good is it if you can't send a picture of your dick?

But what has she given you back?

But you got to get out of this funk.

But you guys have never had sex?

But you know what? I do.

But you needn't be a king

But you'll make that girl your own

But you'll win yourself a girl

But you'll win yourself a girl

But, Eddie, we're Christians.

But, I don't know, somewhere along the line

But, it's just, you know, I've been sitting here

But, look, it would have been suicide to fight that guy.

But, no, he shoots me in the fucking leg.

But, you know, thank you anyway for what you said.

By the way, look at this. See those guys over there?

Bye! Bye, Mr. Mayor!

Bye! Have fun becoming wolf shit! Bye!

Can even get you a cow, if you want one of those.

Can I just ask, celebrated by who?

Can you give Louise wrapped candies?

Can you say the same, Albert?

Care for a last dance?

Cholera. You know cholera?

Church is not gonna...

Class, please welcome our graduation speaker,

Clinch is gonna be looking for you.

CLINCH: You, Enoch and Jordy will ride with me.

Clinch. Shut up.

Come and take this whore. Albert.

Come on, boy, hey! Quiet down, Plugger!

Come on, Clinch. You think I'm joking?

Come on, let's go.

Come on, Plugger. Come on! Yeah!

Come on, you owe him a dollar.

Commit suicide, maybe.

Congratulations!

Constipation, cramps, dyspepsia, liver disease,

Could I interest you folks in some Wildroot Cream Oil?

Coward. Thank you.

COWBOY: Yeah! Oh, come on, come on!

COWBOY: Yeah! Oh! Ah! Yeah! RUTH: Oh...

COWBOY: You like me fucking you, don't you?

Cross it over, cradle it right in there,

Did he hear all that smart stuff I did?

Disease was rampant,

Diseases, major and minor injuries, Indians, the weather.

DJANGO: I'll take a shot.

DJANGO: What the fuck?

Do I look okay?

Do you know why?

Do you trust me?

Do you want to sit down?

Don't be stupid, Albert! Get out of here!

Don't even waste my time, okay?

Don't even waste my time.

Don't feel bad.

Don't I have the best boyfriend, Millie?

Don't worry about Lewis, okay?

Don't you ever say that to me in front of my men.

Don't you think God would be okay with it?

Draw, you son of a bitch!

During some awful freak out, then...

Easy. We're gonna get there.

Eat hot food in 100 degree weather?

Eddie, it's supposed to be like that.

Edward, Edward, look, look.

Edward, have you... Have you ever had sex with anyone?

Edward, this is your lucky handkerchief.

Edward, we are not having sex. Sorry.

EDWARD: Albert.

EDWARD: Are you sure you want to do this?

EDWARD: He's frenching her. ALBERT: Fucking Foy!

EDWARD: Man, I see kids everywhere with those stick hoops lately.

EDWARD: No, I meant you.

EDWARD: Oh, yeah.

EDWARD: Okay, easy, now.

EDWARD: Sure, okay. Wow.

EDWARD: Well, I got off work early

EDWARD: Wow, I can't believe we're actually gonna have sex. (CHUCKLES)

Either he meets me outside in the main thoroughfare at noon tomorrow

Enjoy the bison and I hope you're enjoying your drinks

Enjoy your night.

Enoch, Jordy, look after the horses.

Enter when ready.

Especially a smoking hot girl.

Every girl that I ever fall in love with ends up disappointing me.

Every year, people die.

Every year, something like this happens.

Everything out here that's not you wants to kill you.

Excuse me, I have to use the powder room.

Fifty cents to the winner.

Find an amicable solution to this, huh?

Food was scarce,

For a wee bit and then we'll come for you in 12 days.

For example, if you drain a certain amount of venom

For my own reasons, but, yeah.

For the last three days, the highest ranking official in our town

For which you gave your life.

Four score and seven years ago,

FOY: Pardon me, Albert. (PANTING)

From frozen lakes and ponds, and they just ship it all over the...

From inhaling poisoned gas, 12 hours a day, down in the mines.

From the fangs of a diamondback rattler into a hollow tip bullet,

Fucking asshole.

Fucking asshole.

Get him! (HORSE NEIGHING)

Get out of here!

Get that son of a bitch!

Get you whatever you want.

Go on, get down.

God damn it, Albert! No more friends!

God damn it, Clinch!

God, I love her so much.

God, I love you.

God, why are the Indians always so mad? I don't know.

God! This fucking fair!

God. Look at the ingredients.

Goddamn waste of lungs.

Gold? (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Good boy! Let's go!

Good Lord, Albert, you're such a "sheepskate." Oh!

Good luck tomorrow. I'm gonna be there.

Good. (CHUCKLES)

Good. Let's hit this fair, because you know what I wanna do?

Good. You're gonna be fine.

Goodbye, Albert.

Goodbye? Wait. Louise. Louise!

Got it, Clinch.

Gunfight. You and me. Right here. Right now.

Guys, no, no, no.

Has been a dead guy.

Hate can move mountains.

Have you ever smiled in a photograph?

Haven't you, Albert?

He ain't here, Clinch.

He has been lying there, dead, for three days.

He knows what this is.

He knows what we're doing, he knows what this is.

He owes you a dollar. Wait, what?

He would've given you the gold!

He'll be picking up pieces of you all over the street.

He'll bust me out

He's already been stupid.

He's coming up the stairs!

He's dead. You did it.

He's gonna kill... Anna, just go!

He's gonna say, "Oh, that looks like it hurts."

He's gotta be insane!

He's Methodist, I'm half *******.

He's smiling. Yeah.

He's up on the hill, burying himself next to Mom.

Hell, this was Miss America in 1880.

Hello, Foy. Hey, Louise.

Hello, sweetheart.

Hello, there, sheepie.

Hey, Albert, maybe we should just go to church.

Hey, Bridget, Bridget.

Hey, do you... Do you think you guys are gonna have sex?

Hey, hey, dude, you really shouldn't drink and horse.

Hey, how about it for the James Gang?

Hey, I'm really tired.

Hey, look who's here. Who's this?

Hey, Louise dumped you, my friend.

Hey, no. Look, she's really pretty, yes.

Hey, pretty fast hands back there.

Hey, sheep boy.

Hey, watch it, pal.

Hey, what's the matter, Clinch?

Hey, why are you being so nice to me?

Hey, you know, whatever happens tomorrow,

Hey, you want to go down to the...

Hey! It's our sweet young couple.

Hey. It's not my fault, all right?

Hey. Listen, if you want to...

Hi, Mark. Hey, Ed.

Hold on, let me think here a minute. You do that.

Holy shit. You all... You all done?

Honest to God. Shot a guy in a duel

Honestly, I have no fucking idea.

How are you so blind with eyes that big?

How can you be so blind with eyes that big?

How does that even work? Was there a ceremony?

How fast can this thing go?

How the fuck can you shoot like that?

How the hell do you get these things out? (LAUGHING)

How will they not notice?

I ain't got no gold.

I ain't got no gold.

I ain't in the mood to laugh, Stark!

I almost wish you could smile in photographs.

I asked him if he wanted to come, and he said no.

I became convinced that prairie dogs could read my mind.

I bet she thinks twice about dumping you.

I bought that off a peddler who was coming through town last week.

I can give her a lavish home.

I can have all the licorice I want.

I can outdrink you, too.

I can see why you dumped him.

I can't get that goddamn moustache song out of my head.

I can't leave him like that.

I can't remember. Can you?

I can't. There's only, like, three songs.

I could have screwed this up.

I couldn't have gotten this far without you.

I did everything for her.

I did that. That's going out.

I didn't even know this existed.

I didn't mean now!

I didn't mean that she has a hairy pussy.

I didn't tell you because I was trying to protect you.

I didn't think you'd show, sheepie.

I didn't want to scare you away.

I don't even know why I'm surprised.

I don't have the money.

I don't know how I lasted this long.

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

I don't know what you think I have going for me, but...

I don't know what you want from me, but it's late.

I don't know, maybe you should try to talk to Louise.

I don't know. He was laughing.

I don't know. I mean, I heard it somewhere. I don't know if it's true.

I don't see what else she's got going for her.

I don't think that's the real President Lincoln.

I don't think you heard me.

I don't think you should leave tomorrow.

I don't wanna join up.

I don't wanna... No, I don't wanna join.

I don't want to put myself through

I feel great when I'm with her.

I feel like I finally tricked one girl into falling in love with me

I got a map right here.

I got in a fight with an animal that I could not identify.

I got sheep stuff I gotta do tomorrow, anyway.

I got shot today.

I gotta go. Louise! Louise!

I guess I just forgot that a relationship is a two way street.

I guess. I mean, I just... I just don't know anything about you.

I had a cold a couple of years ago. I went in there.

I had to give a blowjob. Sorry. Oh, that's okay.

I hate the frontier, I hate everything in it.

I have good ideas sometimes.

I have my own business.

I have no idea what just happened.

I have only the finest healing tonics and elixirs

I have that skirt.

I have to work on myself.

I haven't seen you in town in a week and a half

I honestly don't know what just happened.

I just didn't think I deserved a good guy.

I just didn't want to end up like one of those

I just feel like I need to stay here with my parents.

I just remember thinking,

I just thought that maybe you...

I just, I have to...

I just... I just want to say thank you.

I kissed her, she didn't kiss me, all right?

I knocked him out, and I stuck a daisy in his asshole.

I know I didn't have to, sweetheart.

I know we're Christians

I know you're here, Stark!

I know, right? "No! Oh, my God!"

I know. But, I mean, you repair shoes.

I know. I've never been happy for 30 seconds in a row in my life.

I know. It's actually really interesting how they do it.

I know. Me, too.

I know. That's... That's why I want you to have these.

I like your bustle, by the way.

I look like I have Parkinson's next to him. What is that?

I look like Jane Austen threw up all over me.

I love you, too. (MOANING)

I loved a girl who doesn't even exist.

I mean, I could come by your place, like, later tonight.

I mean, I tell him I'll pay him off,

I mean, it sounds like you've bent over backwards for this girl,

I mean, it's just a graze, but come on, look at that.

I mean, she didn't tell me she was married,

I mean, sure, it's faster than the Pony Express,

I mean, the dance. Oh!

I mean, we're basically splitting this country 50 50 with them.

I mean, yeah, he's kind of a loser

I mean, you haven't shorn your sheep in weeks.

I mean, you must have a million better things to do than this.

I mean, you're talking about pre marital relations.

I meant that Foy has a moustache,

I might just have a little bit of gold.

I need some alone time with my wife.

I never thought I'd meet someone like you, Albert.

I put a new move in there.

I read an article in the paper.

I realized that

I really appreciate it.

I really love that the most alluring fashion statement

I said I was thinking about growing one. Oh.

I said, "Isn't that a fine how do you do?"

I say, go with God and best of luck to you.

I should have fought him?

I somehow require to hold up my pants.

I still feel like I don't know

I still got it! Okay.

I take my life in my hands every time I walk out to my outhouse.

I think God will forgive us.

I think he wants anal.

I think my body is padding up for the winter,

I think you have this whole thing upside down.

I think you owe me a drink, fella.

I thought it was really good.

I told you, she allowed me to be happy

I took a half day off work for this!

I want something else.

I want to know who it was.

I was just looking at these old pictures of me and Louise.

I was thinking you need a new dress.

I went out to Charlie Blanche's ranch

I went to your farm the other day,

I would also like to offer a heartfelt prayer

I would like to welcome two new members to our community.

I... I have not. I own a gun.

I'd make you call it off. Okay?

I'd take Bilbee Pass.

I'll be right back.

I'll buy you some sugared butter shavings.

I'll get killed! Whoa!

I'll give you a little tap on the hat when I'm good to go, okay?

I'll pay you the money you lost, okay?

I'll take a very, very small bite. Just a small bite.

I'm a busy man with a schedule.

I'm a little cocky. But I got great tits.

I'm a smucks dinnin' drunk.

I'm an important man.

I'm begging you. Don't hurt him, okay?

I'm done. I'm leaving. I'm going to San Francisco.

I'm gonna get you a big old stack of fresh cut steaks.

I'm gonna use the outhouse. Um...

I'm good. I'm gonna rest my asshole.

I'm his girlfriend. She's my girlfriend.

I'm not gonna ask you again. Who?

I'm not gonna introduce you...

I'm not. (BARKING)

I'm really glad I didn't have that piece of cake.

I'm really horny right now. (GIGGLING)

I'm sitting there jerking that thing off.

I'm sorry, I can't...

I'm sure you're right for somebody else, just not for me.

I'm the guy in the crowd making fun of the hero's shirt.

I'm totally overdressed, aren't I?

I'm very glad I remembered the six items

I'm, like, the luckiest girl ever in the history of girls.

I've been keeping it nice and soft.

I've been playing cards a long time

I've missed you, baby. Oh, I've missed you a lot.

I've never done formal before.

If I can shoot six out of six on Albert's behalf, you owe him a dollar.

If I die out there, will you guys just do me one favor?

If I don't have her.

If I don't have her.

If I don't have that cash, I'm coming after ya.

If I thought you were gonna lose this gunfight,

If I was a black guy, this is the meanest trick you could play on me.

If she was happy I was happy.

If that makes any kind of a difference.

If this Foy guy is that much of a douche,

If two people hate the same things, it creates a bond.

If you could hear yourself right now.

If you don't mind,

If you want to talk about things, I would like that.

If you've only got a moustache

If you've only got a moustache

If you've only got a moustache

If you've only got a moustache

If you've only got a moustache

If you've only got a moustache

If you've only got a moustache

In a part of the world that is otherwise a living hell.

In front of the kids?

Introduced into your bloodstream

Introduced into your bloodstream

Is a very costly facial accessory.

Is enough to kill a man if he's...

Is it supposed to be like this? (CHUCKLING)

Is keep all of his sheep in one place, all right.

Is there anything at all that I can say

Is this because of the gunfight?

Is to simulate a fat ass.

Is your name even Anna? Huh?

Isn't the fair on Saturday?

It doesn't matter. I'm done with him.

It looks like a firecracker wrapped in roast beef.

It looks like our shadows are about to kiss each other.

It seems your ex boyfriend doesn't have a sense of humor.

It takes 30 seconds to take a photograph.

It'll make you feel a lot better.

It's a boy, Mr. Stark.

It's a diamondback, yeah. Fuck.

It's a pot cookie.

It's a pot cookie. No, no, no.

It's a weather experiment.

It's Albert Stark.

It's all right. I know why you're saying it.

It's because you don't want to tell me that I'm the problem.

It's coming. I see it, I see it.

It's gonna feel good.

It's gonna work and Louise is gonna come running back to you.

It's got to be bad for their brains, right?

It's just another way God mysteriously shows that He loves us.

It's like being a dog walker for 150 really stupid dogs.

It's not her fault.

It's not my fault she wanted someone with more to offer.

It's nothing huge, it's just...

It's okay, just hold perfectly still, and it'll go away.

It's okay. Here, I got you some flowers. (GASPS)

It's the mayor.

It's true, right?

James, I found the friendly locals. (CHUCKLES)

James, we will think of you lovingly this July

James, we will think of you lovingly this July

Jesus, are you okay? I heard about your brother getting arrested.

Jesus. How fucking stupid are you?

Just a little taste.

Just cutting yourself down.

Just give me two days to sell off

Just grant me a few last words. All right?

Just have a little bit with me.

Just introduce me. Come on.

Just once, I want you to switch seats.

Just ride it out. This is...

Just take a little bit.

Just take that little bit, right there.

Just what I should have done a week ago.

Kidney disease, hemorrhoids, bowel inflammation.

Knowing that a woman can outshoot you, huh?

Ladies and gentlemen!

Last chance, kid.

Last year, there were two gunfights,

Let her go, Clinch.

Let me ask you something. You feel good about what you're doing?

Let me guess. Scalpers.

Let us see the dollar!

Let's find out if your wee boyfriend gives a shit about you.

Let's get fucked up. Yeah.

Let's go in the shade and fuck.

Let's go, boys. Come on!

Let's go, Louise. You can "shear" me on.

Let's see if he gets here before you find yourself at the end of a rope.

Lewis and I just came out from Kansas City.

Lewis Barnes and his sister, Anna.

Lewis, you take Anna and ride east

LEWIS: Oh, Jesus Christ!

Like one of those ones that goes down

Like that? Straight.

Like, right underneath my eye.

Like, there's a lot more skin than there usually is.

Look around you.

Look at this. Another thing that can kill us.

Look, Albert, you gotta go.

Look, I just feel like if we can talk this out, you know,

Look, I know I'm just a sheep farmer, but I'm saving money...

Look, I never meant to mislead...

Look, let me tell you something.

Look, there's always humor in any...

Look, we're getting off track here, all right?

Look, we're laughing, right? We're laughing now.

Look, you don't know what this is like, all right.

Louise has such an amazing smile.

Louise is gonna be there, and she's gonna be with Foy.

Louise was right. I can't keep track of them.

Louise, check out this cool bike I got!

Louise, please, listen to me. I love you, okay?

Louise, we need to talk.

Louise, where is this coming from?

LOUISE: You're so funny, baby. FOY: Thank you.

Louise! My God! The guy is one of the best shots around.

Love that idea.

MAN: You know what I'm gonna get with this gold, Plugger?

Maybe if I were older,

Maybe not right away, you know?

Maybe you should grow a moustache.

Maybe you should...

Me? No, I'm not the hero.

Mmm hmm. That's right.

My decision is final.

My father was a gun maker. I could shoot a gun before I could walk.

My girlfriend and I are enjoying each other's company.

My impression was that she was a little sour and self absorbed.

My moustache, your moustache

My name is Anna. I'm that same girl you fell in love with.

My social stature is significant.

My story is a lot like yours, I suppose.

My worst fear is to OD on a recreational drug.

Never been more serious in my life. You and me, pistols.

Never mind what I'm getting!

No better way to make your ex girlfriend want you back more

No more shall they nibble wantonly

No one has done a thing.

No one has. It's the fucking West!

No one will notice.

No one's ever done anything like this for me.

No, get my picture taken. I've never done it before.

No, have you? Oh, God, no.

No, have you? Oh, God, no.

No, I can't afford it.

No, I fired a gun at the shooting gallery.

No, I know. I was thinking about growing one.

No, I swear to you, mister.

No, I've actually been feeling this way for a while.

No, in the picture, he's smiling!

No, it's in Missouri.

No, it's... It's fine.

No, my dear, they're practically Chinese.

No, my dear, they're practically Chinese.

No, no, no! I suck at dancing.

No, no, no! It's okay. No, it's fine. Here.

No, no, no. Like, right now.

No, no. A penny it is.

No, not with me.

No, Ruth and I have... We've never done that.

No, that's being too ambitious.

No, that's horse shit. Whoa! Oh, that is horse shit.

No, we're fine. We're okay. LOUISE: Albert!

No, you look absolutely beautiful.

No, you'd look like an insane person.

No, you're not Clinch Leatherwood.

No. I don't do well with that stuff at all.

No. I feel like I should have a piece of cake or something.

No. No, I don't think so.

No. No, Ruth wants to wait until we get married.

No. No. No. No. No. No.

Nobody needs to come over here.

Nobody's got a dollar!

Nope. Deadly serious.

Not even replaced him with a temporary appointee.

Not moved him, not looked into his death,

Nothing. (STUTTERING)

Now point it at me.

Now we both have said "moustache"

Now, aim up, sheep boy.

Now, before we end this morning's service,

Now, clean up that horse shit!

Now, how the fuck do you make a fire?

Now, I knew my aim wasn't good enough to hit you anywhere important.

Now, let's all line up for the sweetheart dance.

Now, let's try that again.

Now, we shoot on three.

Now, you all seem like good folk.

Now, you make sure he gets this message.

Now, you put that under your pillow

Of course not. I'd be branded a coward.

Of the woman he loves to soothe his tired bones.

Of what it's like to have somebody care about me.

Oh, bullshit! You were looking out for your own self interest.

Oh, by the way, they're delivering the town's ice shipment today.

Oh, come on, now. (CHUCKLES)

Oh, fuck that. I'm not going to the stupid fair.

Oh, God. That was never gonna work out anyway.

Oh, gosh! Well, like, this one man wanted me to smoke a cigar

Oh, gosh. Tomorrow is bad for me,

Oh, he waited a year? What a gentleman.

Oh, he's around. He's around.

Oh, hey, look! It's the ice!

Oh, hey, look. This will make you laugh. Look at our shadows.

Oh, hey, Ruthie, Clyde Hodgkins wanted to come by a little later on.

Oh, hey, sweetie.

Oh, hey, you know what? Before I forget.

Oh, hi, sweetie.

Oh, honey, we can afford to get you that new belt for church!

Oh, I like you even more now.

Oh, Jesus. Wow.

Oh, just think of another song.

Oh, look at that. He's kissing her.

Oh, look who's here.

Oh, look, the West fucking sucks,

Oh, my God, Anna, he knows.

Oh, my God, I love you.

Oh, my God, please. I suck at sheep.

Oh, my God! Holy shit!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Yeah.

Oh, my God. Albert, you look terrible!

Oh, my God. Fucking Foy!

Oh, no, I didn't!

Oh, no, no, no. No, no, no, no!

Oh, okay, well, that's a little racist to our hardworking friends

Oh, right. That's annoying and weird.

Oh, shit. Diamondback.

Oh, thank God. Because I was like, "Ah, kill me!"

Oh, that would be great!

Oh, that's true. And they're all by Stephen Foster.

Oh, that's what I do. Really?

Oh, wait, watch this. Oh, my God, Charlie. Oh, my God.

Oh, what happened?

Oh, wow, there's that confidence boost I need.

Oh, wow. That seems unnecessary.

Oh, yeah, by the way, that's another thing.

Oh, yeah, I can help you with that. (GRUNTS)

Oh, yeah, that'd be fun. Yeah!

Oh, yeah. Yeah. All of them.

Oh, yes, and let's make things interesting.

Oh, you are kidding.

Oh, you can play double or triple speeds, but that's for the experts.

Oh, you do? Mmm hmm.

Oh, you getting the fart needles again, Dad?

Oh, you're very modest, I see.

Oh, your breath is, uh...

Oh! Look at that! Look at that!

Oh! Sorry. Sorry, sir.

Oh! You've got a little thing right here. I'll get it.

Oh... I guess you're a real hero.

Okay, all right, get ready. I'm about to shoot a full load at your cans.

Okay, Curtis. Curtis, buddy,

Okay, don't get too excited.

Okay, everybody hold still!

Okay, great. Thank you so much for your patience.

Okay, here we go.

Okay, I get it. It's pretty big, right?

Okay, I just want to point out

Okay, I'll talk to you tomorrow.

Okay, is that...

Okay, look, look, look. Here's my idea, okay?

Okay, look. Here's the truth, all right?

Okay, thank you very much.

Okay, that's Bridget, all right?

Okay, they're giving me the lantern.

Okay, you know what, Anna?

Okay, you ready?

Okay, you're drunk.

Okay. (CHUCKLES)

Okay. (GEORGE FARTS)

Okay. All right.

Okay. Everybody hold still.

Old Plugger and I done give it up.

On a slow day, yeah.

One of my boys saw a man kissing my wife last night.

Only a thief would do that.

Ooh. (COUGHING)

Or I start killing more people.

Or is it something terrible, like Gwendolyn?

Or not! (LAUGHS)

Or uglier than sin

Our old schoolmarm got her throat slit by a fast moving tumbleweed.

Our very own Marcus Thornton!

Outlaws, angry drunk people, scorned hookers, hungry animals,

Over here from the Far East, right, guys?

Over here just for a moment?

Ow! Careful, it's tender.

Ow! Ruth. Jesus Christ.

Ow! That came out of my penis!

People die at the fair.

People die at the fair.

People envy me.

Pick up your gun.

Please don't shoot us on sex night.

Point it at me.

Possibly for the first time in my entire life.

President Abraham Lincoln.

Procured from the farthest corners of the globe.

Put it all the way to the left.

Putting on some loose, baggy clothes,

Quick, pretend you just said something funny to me.

Quick, pretend you just said something funny to me.

Really? Every year.

Really? Is there?

Red flannel? There's shirt in here?

Required that a man be bold, fearless, and tough as iron.

Ribs doused in hot sauce.

Right there? RUTH: Yeah.

RUTH: Eddie, with Clinch Leatherwood in town, we could all die tomorrow.

RUTH: I do. It's really terrific.

RUTH: Shoot that dirty cowboy cum all over my face!

RUTH: Yeah, yeah, yeah!

RUTH: Yeah, you're huge!

Ruth! Let's fuck!

Safer, too. Less chance of bandits and such.

Say the word, the word "moustache"

Say, Edward, do you mind if I ask you something?

Seems you owe me six cents, sheep herder.

Settle down, boy. (BARKING CONTINUES)

She has a problem with retardation, but she's full of love.

She told me she didn't want to see anybody.

She told me she had to work on herself.

She was aroused. She was impressed.

She wouldn't just not show up.

She'll figure it out if she's smart.

She's all yours.

She's classy, she's fun, she's insanely gorgeous.

She's not there.

Shit, not again.

Shut the fuck up. Are you serious?

Sir and madam, may I divert your attention

Six minutes till noon.

Six shots, six hits. Quite the marksman!

So he said, "Why don't you go blow your own horse?"

So he won't shoot me in the fucking face.

So it doesn't melt.

So it's a little bit her fault, I guess.

So we came out to the frontier looking to build a farm.

So, Albert and I are gonna split,

So, all I gotta do is get Foy to let me shoot 16 times before he shoots

So, big day tomorrow.

So, how did you guys meet?

So, I guess it's kind of weird

So, I'm going to ask one more time.

So, I'm required by Muslim tradition

So, if you want to send me a letter,

So, if you want to spend the rest of your life with a pussy full of hair,

So, may God bless you for another week

So, maybe just shoot her in the arm.

So, that... That was your brother in there, huh?

So, the fair's coming up... Mmm?

So, under the circumstances,

So, what are you gonna do?

So, why don't you mind your own, bitch?

So, yeah, I guess that's kind of true.

So, you know, he gets hair in her

Some kind of a charitable act by dating you.

Somebody in this wee shithole of a town is going to die.

Somebody's gonna get fucked up.

Somehow, it had made $20. (LAUGHING)

Something else? Louise, it's been a year and a half!

Sometime this week, yeah?

Sometimes a girl has to get a few assholes out of her system

Sorry about that.

Sorry, sir. Sorry, sir.

Sorry. This is...

Stealing a guy's girlfriend. That's what you're doing.

Step right up, folks. Step right up!

Step right up, step right up!

Stop it. Okay, fine.

Stupidly expensive!

Suppertime, you lazy prick.

Surprised you showed up, Stark.

Take out your gun.

Take the other side. There you go.

Take your hat off, boy. That's a dollar bill!

Tell me who it is or Plugger gets plugged between his pretty eyes.

Than that guy who dragged me out of the saloon not too long ago.

Than to let her see you with another girl.

Thank you, baby. (CHUCKLING)

Thank you! This is so generous of you.

Thank you. Hey, hey, it's great to be back here in Old Stump.

Thank you. Sure.

Thanks a lot. How you doing, buddy?

That applies to that situation.

That basically cuts it in big blocks

That grass ain't never gonna grow back!

That guy's an English teacher at our school.

That I got growing up.

That is a simulation of a fat ass, right there. Thank you.

That is just painful to watch.

That is modern medicine for you.

That kind of fucking aggravation.

That much ice all in one place.

That was the real me.

That we can get somewhere and fix it.

That week I just bought you is enough time for me to teach you how to shoot.

That went south so fast!

That works for you, right, Albert?

That, I can assure you, is impossible.

That, my friends, is the American West.

That'd be weird. Huh?

That's a great idea. Yeah?

That's all I cared about.

That's all they can taste.

That's horrible.

That's horse shit. No, it's the truth.

That's how much you mean to me.

That's it, I'm out.

That's it. Now, mount up.

That's just so much deeper than mutual love.

That's just the outside. There's folds.

That's kind of fucked up that you would use that word.

That's so neat.

That's the jackpot. That's the jackpot! Huh?

That's what the guy told me.

That's who I am. Oh.

That's why we have the meetings.

That's why women are always going,

The American West is a disgusting, awful, dirty, dangerous place.

The Black Shit. The Black Shit.

The creams, the waxes, the lotions.

The deadliest gunman on the frontier.

The fucking doctor. The doctor can kill you.

The guys who work in the silver mines? See what they're eating?

The lads and I have prepared something special for you.

The last time somebody gave me one of these

The latest offering in the frontier's disease of the month club.

The longer the ride, the lonelier a man gets.

The men who were courageous and resilient

The one thing a sheep farmer has to do

The owner of the Moustachery.

The point is I had to ask him twice.

The proper way.

The timing would be right.

Then pick up your gun.

Then why don't you go on down the river and take a dunk?

There ain't no tooth fairy, idiot!

There he goes! Boss!

There is something about connecting over mutual hatred

There really isn't that much to tell.

There shall be swift and righteous justice on all free grazers.

There was a drowning, and the Indians attacked.

There was a knife fight, a stage collapsed,

There was a sheep in the whorehouse last week.

There we go! See? There!

There you are, my good man.

There you go, ma'am.

There's a secret you should know

There's a trail out back that leads out to the ridge.

There's fucking rattlesnakes all in the grass out there.

There's gonna be a man who's faster than Clinch

There's nothing but a metal cage under there.

There's nothing I like more than

There's something wrong with my swallowing.

There's still some pig ass and sweet cream there if you want it.

There's, uh, famine, disease, gunfights.

There's, uh, famine, disease, gunfights.

These are all fuckers. You look fantastic.

They eat hot spicy foods every meal of the day.

They literally die from their own farts.

They're beautiful! Yeah, come on.

They're just selfish.

They're not gonna be around much longer

They're not that big.

They've just moved here to Old Stump

Things could be a lot worse.

This guy would have had to sit there

This has been in my family for 97 generations.

This is a pot... This is a pot cookie, isn't it?

This is from the carnival.

This is gonna be good. You're gonna like this.

This is incredibly sweet.

This is just a little something to say thank you.

This is never gonna work.

This is not her fault.

This is not how I usually swallow.

This is not working. It's gonna work.

This is Plugger.

This is really weird.

This is the guy I was telling you about. Uh huh.

This was the American frontier in 1882.

This will only take a moment.

Three way up on the ridge,

To build a home and a life in this harsh, unforgiving country

To capture the hearts of the fair

To get you to call this off?

To make any maiden a bride

To recite the Islamic death chant immediately before dying.

To spend my last night alive, right?

To take over the schoolmarm job.

To the family of James Addison,

To your girlfriend who loves you.

Tomorrow, 8:00 a.m., sharp.

Too late for that.

Try a sample of...

Trying to figure out how the hell

Two in the pond, and one on the roof.

Uh, Foy and Louise, right?

Uh, how about a penny?

Uh, I'm going to San Francisco.

Uh, it's really not like a dentist's office here, Edward.

Uh, one more thing you might do for us.

Uh, she moved to town a couple years ago

Uh, this is Anna. She's...

Uh, yeah, sure.

Um, I'll get out, I'll meet some people. Yeah, thanks.

Um, my grandparents were Arabic.

Um... (CLEARS THROAT)

Um... It'll keep us warm, though.

Very special super super secret cookies.

Wait, doesn't she have sex with, like, 10 guys every day at the whorehouse?

Wait, how do you know that?

Wait, let me just touch you.

Wait, wait, no, no.

Wait, wait, wait. Hang on a Sec.

Wait, what is this? Mmm hmm?

Wait. Hang on a Sec.

Want to fuck a cow?

Want to know the real kicker, though?

Warm blankets, wrapped candies.

Was I supposed to go, "Oh hi, I'm Anna!

We are the guardians of the future.

We barely know each other, but, hey, when it's right, it's right, huh?

We can find a calm, rational solution

We could maybe lie together for the first couple of times

We go our separate ways, and that's it.

We got our own thing going on over here.

We heard about Louise.

We live in a terrible place and time.

We shoot on three.

We should all just wear coffins as clothes.

We were gonna go check out the shooting gallery over there.

We were just talking about that last week. Is that true?

We were married when I was nine.

We were wanting a change,

We'll let things cool

We'll stash the gold there.

We'll take Bilbee Pass to Sherman Creek Trail.

We're both getting hurt pretty badly.

We're going on back into town.

We're just going into town to get some...

We're so sorry, Albert.

We've been prepping for this gunfight for a week.

Welcome to our awesome town.

Welcome, welcome. Can I interest you in a miracle cure?

Well done, sheep boy.

Well, a man whose girlfriend does his shooting for him.

Well, Anna taught me just enough to get me in the ballpark.

Well, at the very least, this will be a good way

Well, can I ask you something about you?

Well, don't you want to come hold the baby?

Well, hello to you, too!

Well, here is my advice For how to make a splash

Well, honestly, I'm a little worried about you.

Well, I figure only a complete idiot

Well, I love you, too.

Well, I love you.

Well, I mean, you show up out of nowhere.

Well, I'll tell you this, you sound a lot more confident

Well, I'm not just gonna take your gold. That'd be stealing.

Well, I'm sure she's okay. I don't understand.

Well, it was still good, though.

Well, late nine. I rounded it up.

Well, look who's up at 2:00 in the afternoon.

Well, my job sucks, too.

Well, now you've touched it. (LAUGHING)

Well, now, true love conquers all, doesn't it, sweetheart?

Well, that concludes today's service.

Well, that's got to be fulfilling work, though, right?

Well, that's not really what I'm talking about. (CHUCKLES)

Well, this is interesting.

Well, we haven't actually done it,

Well, we're riding through to Sherman Creek.

Well, what am I gonna do? I'm your best friend.

Well, what time is his appointment?

Well, when you do, let us know

Well, you're a sheep farmer.

Were the men who prospered.

What a terrific guy you are. (SNICKERING)

What about your dad?

What am I, Clinch Leatherwood here?

What can I do for you fellas?

What did he want?

What do you mean you've...

What do you mean?

What do you think about us spending the night together?

What exactly am I doing?

What in the hell do we do now?

What is it? What is it? What is it?

What is there to live for on the frontier in 1882? Huh?

What the fuck did I just do?

What the hell is "mercury with chalk"?

What was I supposed to say, Albert? Tell me.

What were we even fighting about?

What would you call it?

What, I can't make a new friend?

What, somebody who hasn't killed people? Somebody like that?

What, uh... What's that?

What, what, what?

What? What's the matter with...

What's happening to me?

What's the matter, Albert? Is business (IMITATING BLEATING) bad?

What's up, kiddo? Never seen you in here before.

What's wrong with ducks or rabbits or something?

What's wrong? (GROANS)

Whatever. I'm sick to my stomach. My stomach is in knots.

When Clinch gets into town, it's not gonna matter what they do.

When he feels like putting his penis inside an asshole.

When he goes down there.

When she sees me, she'll be intimidated as fuck.

When we get out of this, I'm gonna get you some horse whores.

Where do you come up... No, shit!

Where do you come up... No, shit!

Where'd you learn to shoot?

Which I am not!

Which is weird, because it's not winter.

While unloading the ice shipment.

Who came out here hoping that we would

Who gives a fuck what they want?

Who I go out with is my own business.

Who smiled one time while he was getting his picture taken.

Who the fuck knows?

Who wants to take a gander at the shooting gallery?

Who was killed this morning

Who's celebrating about stomach bitters?

Who's lazy now, Sheriff?

Whoa, whoa, whoa...

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Okay, okay, okay.

Why do you love Louise?

Why don't we say a week from today?

Why don't you prove it?

Why is it so big?

Why would you say that?

WILSON: And make no mistake, my children.

With all due respect, you have no fucking clue what this is like.

Without a hint of pride

Wolves are dragging the body away as if to illustrate my point!

Would throw away a perfectly good thing.

Would you like to try?

Wow, my bones are in really deep today.

Wow, you've never fired a gun before.

Wow, you've never fired a gun before.

Wow! What a long day!

Wow. (INHALES SHARPLY)

Yeah, but there's more to it.

Yeah, but those were quarter loads. These are full loads.

Yeah, but you're not even a good sheep farmer, Albert.

Yeah, he seems like a great guy. I'm Albert, by the way.

Yeah, here it is. I forgot all about it.

Yeah, I don't have that side to me.

Yeah, I got a farm about 2 miles from here.

Yeah, I got off work early, so I thought I'd take her out for a picnic.

Yeah, I guess I did, huh?

Yeah, I guess you'll have to find that out, huh?

Yeah, I know that.

Yeah, I know. No, thank you.

Yeah, I saw that. It's like they lose the power to innovate

Yeah, I should take you home.

Yeah, I think so, too. I'm really excited.

Yeah, I wore it to the fair, like, two years ago.

Yeah, I'm leaving.

Yeah, it sounds like the kind of bullshit somebody would make up.

Yeah, it stunts their attention span.

Yeah, it was great.

Yeah, it'd be fun, right?

Yeah, Lewis. He's always been a little rambunctious.

Yeah, listen, Foy...

Yeah, nobody needs to get in on this.

Yeah, of course there was a...

Yeah, she knows. Come here. There we go. (ANNA LAUGHING)

Yeah, so we'll just say 5:30.

Yeah, that's really hard to find.

Yeah, that's what she's doing. (CLICKS TONGUE)

Yeah, that's... That's what I'm doing.

Yeah, there you... Okay.

Yeah, there's a little red spot.

Yeah, this is an end of the workday outfit you have on.

Yeah, this is my first vagina.

Yeah, well, I'll go with you.

Yeah, well, you know, so am I.

Yeah, well, you said you would kill my family

Yeah, yeah, I know.

Yeah, yeah, it's just... (CHUCKLING)

Yeah, yeah, that's fine. A week from today.

Yeah, you look good.

Yeah. (IMITATING GUNFIRE)

Yeah. I'm sorry.

Yeah. It's always a thrill when you get to see

Yeah. No, no. Yeah.

Yeah. No, yeah, no. She and I are gonna dance.

Yeah. Whatever you say, sure.

Yes, I'm serious. And, yes, it is because of Louise.

Yes, that's what happens in a gunfight.

You act like this girl was performing

You actually hit me!

You and I have a problem.

You are ready to relieve the stress of the day.

You beat this guy at a gunfight,

You can breathe in that thing, right?

You can buy your girlfriend a brain.

You can get killed just going to the bathroom.

You can have your pick of gals

You can keep that. Oh.

You could show us the gold.

You did not just say that. What?

You didn't have to shoot him!

You don't even have to get bitten.

You don't have a moustache, though.

You don't just put a new move in.

You don't like it.

You don't think I took too much?

You don't think maybe that's something you should have told me?

You feel good about that?

You gave me the right amount, right?

You gotta address it care of her vagina.

You guys just got into town?

You guys wanna join? What?

You had a fire in your belly for a second there, pal.

You had a million opportunities to tell me, and you just fucking lied.

You have earned one of Anna Barnes'

You have the nicest guy in the world throwing himself at your feet

You just challenged Foy to a gunfight.

You know our pastor has shot two people? Our pastor.

You know that, right?

You know what else can kill you?

You know what he said to me? He goes,

You know what I did on Tuesday?

You know what I'm gonna get you?

You know what, it's okay, though.

You know what, old timer? We'll shoot for it.

You know what? Fuck you, man.

You know what? I heard you fart once.

You know what's gonna happen if I go to Dr. Harper

You know, a lot of people can't say that.

You know, he'll just come by

You know, I don't even know...

You know, I just realized that last joke might not have been clear.

You know, I really do care about you.

You know, I think I can beat him.

You know, it's funny.

You know, it's really hard to remember all that stuff.

You know, one of these days

You know, she's a Christian and so am I,

You know, supposedly, there's some guy in Texas

You know, that's actually, uh, a little rich for my blood.

You know, there are a million ways to die in the West, Clinch.

You know, uh, Louise, I would,

You know, uh, Ruth, I've been thinking.

You know, we can all get in sync together, sexually.

You know, yeah, you're right.

You know? Right, guys?

You look amazing.

You look good. Oh, good.

You may be big and fat

You may be common folk

You may not have the dash

You may not have the looks

You may not have the looks You may not have the dash

You may not have the name You may not have the cash

You mean having sex?

You men who long for love

You mustn't all despair

You not feeling well?

You okay, boss?

You pretend I said something funny.

You pretend I said something funny.

You realize that.

You realize they're probably gonna hang you for this?

You really do have a death wish, don't you?

You see? There you go again,

You see? There you go again,

You seem like a pretty sexually adventurous guy.

You shot the pastor's son.

You should have fought him.

You should know that kind of moustache

You stupid son of a bitch.

You think I don't know when you're lying?

You waiting for Ruth?

You wanna make this interesting?

You want to go watch?

You wouldn't have a prayer, kiddo.

You yellow, Stark?

You, why are you laughing?

You'd lose half a day going through Bullhead.

You'll be fine.

You're a good sheep farmer.

You're a great guy. I just...

You're a pretty tough guy, yeah?

You're a son of a bitch is what you are.

You're a winner!

You're an idiot.

You're being a fucking jerk!

You're gonna be okay, Albert.

You're gonna do great, I promise.

You're gonna make me cry.

You're having sex with her, and you... Ah...

You're heading back to town in the middle of the day.

You're married to the most vicious killer in the territory.

You're not really Arabic, are you?

You're okay with your girlfriend screwing 15 different guys every day

You're on the main road now.

You're serious.

You're sweet, you're funny, you're smart.

You're this complete anomaly in my world of terribleness out here.

You're wondering how to get in

You're worked up, that's what it is. Let's get a drink.

You've been with my wife.

You've just been a really good friend to me. That's all.

You've made something of yourself out here.

You've never had sex with Ruth?

You've never seen one?

Your dick's out.

Your goddamn sheep grazed up half my ranch, Stark.

15 year old spinsters, you know?

...and I was thinking that we could go dress shopping later.

"Allowed"? Wow.

"but one day, she is gonna figure out"

"Cocaine, alcohol, morphine, mercury with chalk."

"How can I possibly be this happy?"

"How do you do" is a greeting. Why is that funny?

"I have to work on myself."

"I've been fucking a killer since I was 10"?

"Let me give you a blue jay to peck out the blood."

"Ogden's Celebrated Stomach Bitters."

"Oh, my God. Why are all the non murderers taken?"

"Oh, you need a donkey kickin'."

"Oh, you need an ear nail."

"She likes me now,"

"that she is too good for me."

"There's a fat ass, my favorite."

"Yeah, Doc, I have a fever of 102."

(ALBERT STUTTERING)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(BOTH CHUCKLING) Okay.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(BOTH SCREAMING)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(CHUCKLES) Aye. You see, that's... That's just it.

(CHUCKLES) Good night.

(CHUCKLING) I bet you'd like that. (BARKING)

(CHUCKLING) Oh, my God.

(CHUCKLING) Oh, wow! This is...

(CHUCKLING) She keeps my head on straight.

(COUGHING) This is actually my first cigarette ever.

(COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING)

(COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING)

(CROWD CHEERING)

(CROWD CHEERING)

(CROWD CHEERING)

(CROWD EXCLAIMS)

(CROWD LAUGHING)

(CROWD LAUGHING)

(CROWD MURMURING)

(CROWD SCREAMING)

(CROWD SCREAMING)

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

(EXHALES) Oh. Oh...

(FOLK MUSIC PLAYING)

(FOLK MUSIC PLAYING)

(FOLK MUSIC PLAYING)

(GASPS) Something expensive?

(GLASS SHATTERS) (WOMAN SCREAMING)

(GROANS IN PAIN)

(GRUNTS) (CHUCKLES)

(GRUNTS) Oh, shit!

(HISSES) (GASPS)

(HORSE APPROACHING)

(HORSE NEIGHING)

(HORSES APPROACHING)

(HORSES NEIGHING)

(HUFFS) They're not that big.

(IMITATING BLEATING)

(IMITATING BLEATING)

(IN NATIVE LANGUAGE)

(IN NATIVE LANGUAGE)

(IN NATIVE LANGUAGE)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

(KEYS JANGLING)

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

(LAUGHING HARDER)

(LAUGHING SARCASTICALLY)

(LAUGHING SARCASTICALLY)

(LAUGHING SARCASTICALLY) I love him so much!

(LAUGHING) (RATTLING)

(LAUGHING) Are you? You are? No!

(LAUGHING) Hey! Yes!

(LAUGHING) Let's see what this does

(LAUGHING) Oh, my God! You are... You are so hilarious!

(LAUGHING) Shut the fuck up and focus.

(LAUGHING) Wow! Oh...

(LAUGHING) Yes.

(MOANING CONTINUES)

(MOUTHING) Where's Anna?

(PEOPLE MURMURING)

(POUNDING ON DOOR)

(RUTH SCREAMS) It sounds like she's just about done up there.

(SCOFFS) I don't think Clinch would like you talking about him that way.

(SCREAMING CONTINUES)

(SCREAMING) Oh, shit!

(SHEEP BLEATING)

(SHEEP BLEATING)

(SIGHS) And she was the one thing that made the shootings,

(SIGHS) Hey, sorry I killed your husband.

(SIGHS) I mean, take your pick. She's...

(SIGHS) Ready for weird, stiff, traditional frontier dancing?

(STAMMERING) How is that funny? What's funny about that?

(STAMMERING) I was, like, out of my body.

(STAMMERING) It's nothing. It's...

(STAMMERING) No, I don't stay home all day. I go out.

(STAMMERS) No, thank you. On a pot cookie?

(STAMMERS) Who cares what...

(STOMACH RUMBLING)

(STOMACH RUMBLING)

(TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

(TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

(TRAIN HORN BLOWING)

(TRAIN HORN BLOWS)

(TRAIN HORN BLOWS)

(WHISPERING) Clinch is out there.

(WHISPERING) Clinch Leatherwood.

(WHISPERING) Come on.

(WHISPERING) They're still gonna use the fucking ice.

(WOMEN SCREAMING) No! Sorry! Sorry!

A Million Ways to Die in the West (2014)
"A Million Ways to Die in the West" is a 2014 movie directed by Seth MacFarlane. It follows the story of a cowardly cowboy in the Old West who must overcome his fear to win back his girlfriend. This hilarious comedy Western stars Seth MacFarlane himself, alongside Charlize Theron, Liam Neeson, Amanda Seyfried, and Neil Patrick Harris. If you're intrigued by the sounds of this film, you can play and download them here.
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