Idiocracy (2006) Edit

A Coke machine in the vicinity caught his tattoo.

A dumbing down.

A gentleman who goes by the name Upgrayedd, which he spells thusly...

A great dust bowl had ravaged food supplies.

A man by the name of Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho.

A process which had once favored the noblest traits of man...

A simple army librarian was unknowingly...

A time machine, for time travel.

About to change the entire course of human history.

Actually, I don't even know where I am.

Additionally, he has no family, is unmarried...

After he pays back all the money he stole from the hospital!

After several hours, Joe finally gave up on logic and reason...

After you've killed someone...

All right, so that'll be... this many dollars.

All right? Hey, come on!

All right.

All right.

All's I know is I better find Upgrayedd before he finds me.

Although few, if any, seemed to notice.

An all new Ow! My Balls!

An emergency cabinet meeting was called...

And another bucket that holds five gallons...

And as history pulls down its pants...

And get you a jail job while you're being a particular individual in jail.

And he sentenced his ass to one night of Rehabilitation.

And he's so smart...

And his brother Bobby Mawumba in the Ass Blaster!

And I believe that time can come again!

And I heard that he doesn't even have his tattoo.

And I object.

And I'm all, "You've gotta be shittin' me." But check this out, man.

And I'm not pointing fingers, but it's not going well.

And I'm very sorry that that happened.

And if he didn't...

And if you could just go ahead and, like, put your tattoo in that shit.

And it breaks all the time 'cause some smart guy made it a long time ago.

And keep quiet on the matter, in exchange for certain leeways...

And left the intelligent to become an endangered species.

And mankind became stupider at a frightening rate.

And more intelligent.

And neither was writing.

And not having his U. P. C. tattoo.

And now the dude that everybody came here to see...

And now, Sweet Bang Tube.

And number three, he's gonna fix everything.

And one of its most secretive.

And prepares to lower its ass on Not Sure's head...

And Rita, the former prostitute, became first lady.

And screaming for Joe's head.

And simply told the cabinet that he could talk to plants...

And so it went for generations...

And so, after serving a short term as vice president...

And that they wanted water.

And that's all it was for 90 minutes.

And that's pretty good for an average guy.

And that's the secretary of education.

And the dust storms. And we runnin' out of French fries and burrito coverings.

And the F. C. C...

And the fine work of Doctors Krinski and Altschuler...

And the number one movie in the country was called Ass.

And the time machine's 20...

And the time machine's 20...

And then he'd sell 'em at the flea market.

And then, he would throw his brainy ass back in jail.

And there was a time in this country, a long time ago...

And they gonna need you outside immediately.

And this is helping.

And tomorrow night looks even more better.

And were forced to look into the private sector.

And what about the nuc... "nucular" reactor in Florida?

And who could forget that wonderful finish...

And you know what else? I object that he's not gonna have any money to pay me...

And you know what? It's none of my business, but when we get back...

And, uh, funbags over there is the attorney general.

Anything they wanted.

Are to be placed into a dry freeze...

Are you ready for a monster truck duel to the death?

Are you ready for some car on car action?

As Joe and Rita lay dormant, the years passed...

As Joe and Rita lay dormant, the years passed...

As secretary of the interior, Joe ordered all crops to be switched to water...

As the 21st century began...

As you know, this is highly classified.

At the Extreme Court with highlights on today's trial.

Aw, shit. Half the country works for Brawndo.

Baby, I can wait two days.

Beef Supreme! Yeah! Yeah!

Behind the truck, stupid!

Bigger than the Dildozer, bigger than the Ass Blaster...

Blah, blah, blah. You gotta believe me!

Brawndo's got what plants crave.

Break it down, Camacho!

Brought to you by Carl's Jr. Brought to you by Carl's Jr. Brought to you by Carl's Jr.

But Brawndo's got what plants crave. It's got electrolytes.

But didn't you go to jail for not havin' enough money?

But first, to lead us in our Natural Anthem...

But had become rather retarded as well.

But he did see a problem that he might actually be able to solve.

But he got the ball rolling...

But he would cure acne and carsickness as well.

But his perceived effeminate voice only drew big gales of stupid laughter.

But how are we gonna figure out about the garbage "ambulanches" and the "comony"?

But I just want you to ask yourselves one question first.

But I'm doing everything I can to get us back there, okay? I promise you.

But I'm tellin' you...

But if it's not a real time machine, there wouldn't have been any money.

But it's Secretary Not Sure who finds himself in the toilet now.

But listen up.

But sadly, the greatest minds and resources...

But thanks to recent advances in stem cell research...

But the English language had deteriorated...

But then an even greater force emerged... the "UN."

But then, the chief "J" just went off.

But there was no time machine back then, so...

But when he spoke in an ordinary voice...

But when the Brawndo stock suddenly dropped to zero...

But, if you could, uh, just get me well enough to get back to base...

But, uh, it says on your chart that you're fucked up.

By Rehab Officer Tylenol Jones?

Can I just say something here?

Can we cancel this and just go back to the beginning?

Carl's Jr. "Fuck you. I'm eating."

Clevon should regain full reproductive function.

Collins, could we skip to the technicals, please?

Collins!

Come in here and not shut up.

Come on over here, bitch! He don't care about you!

Come on, Frito. Hurry!

Come on, Frito. Hurry!

Come on, Frito. Hurry.

Come on!

Come on.

Come on. Come on.

Come on. Hustle over here, buddy. I wanna figure this out.

Coming out of retirement just to pound Not Sure's ass...

Confirmation is complete. Please wait while I tattoo your new identity on your arm.

Costco has detected a dangerous fugitive in aisle 16,702.

Could somehow magically travel through time...

Damn it. I can't go back to jail, and I sure can't solve these problems.

Dang! May I approach your benches?

Desperate and scared...

Do I got time to use the bathroom?

Do you really want to live in a world...

Doesn't look that big, is it?

Doesn't sound so bad.

Doing a little of this and a little of that.

Don't say I stole. You're my lawyer.

Don't worry though. We'll get her out...

Dr. Lueboo...

Driving the biggest, hugest correctional vehicle ever built in history...

Dude, this is trepidatious. You got me a room at the White House.

Dumb, angry mobs took to the streets, rioting and looting...

Dwayne Elizondo Camacho, five time Ultimate Smackdown Champion...

Econ... economy.

Enabling them to say, do and sell...

Enjoy your Extra Big Ass Fries.

Enslaved Europe and tried to take over the world.

Especially the ones, uh, you know, out around the museum area.

Even though these people tried to kill me...

Every time Metsler says, "Lead, follow, or get out of the way," I get out of the way.

Everyone gets laid at the White House. Everyone.

Evolution does not necessarily reward intelligence.

Extremely average in every category. Remarkable, truly.

Fine. We'll move on.

First, however, there was the difficult challenge of gaining his trust.

For exactly one year is set to begin tomorrow.

For the last time, I'm pretty sure...

For the smartest guy in the world, you're pretty dumb sometimes.

Fox News.

Frito became vice president...

Frito, he's gonna give us a ride back to the time machine.

Frito, look!

Frito, why don't you come over here and, uh, take a look at this?

Frozen in their prime, for use when they are needed most.

Fuck, yeah! Now gimme a beer.

Gentlemen, meet Joe Bauers...

Get him to take you back to the time machine without me. Don't wait.

Get your hands off me. What do you think I'm gonna do, run through the field?

Get your hands off my junk!

Give it up for Beef Supreme!

Given enough time, Joe's plan might have worked.

Go away! 'Batin'!

Goddamn it.

Goddamn, shit's changed in a year.

Goddamn.

Good luck, Joe.

Gotta go, uh, work on some crop stuff, get that taken care of.

Had been deemed a threat to Brawndo's profit margin.

Had caught the attention of the highest levels of government.

Having kids is such an important decision.

He attempted to jump a Jet Ski from a lake...

He cost millions of people their jobs.

He made believers out of everyone.

He sounded pompous and faggy to them.

He talks like a fag too.

He thinks he's gonna get billions of dollars if he takes us there.

He tried taking water from toilets...

He tried to ruin the country by pouring toilet water on crops.

He was right. The water... it worked.

He will find a way to come get his money!

He would not get out of the way.

He would not only end the dust bowl and heal the economy...

He would soon discover that in the future, justice was not only blind...

He's a goddamned idiot.

He's gonna do it all in one week.

He's gonna fix the "ecomony."

He's gonna fix the dust storms too.

He's gonna make 'em grow again.

He's my boyfriend.

He's my lawyer. And he's not a very good one either.

Here's some highlights from last week's Rehabilitation.

Hey, baby, wanna go out?

Hey, Bauers.

Hey, come on, Joe. I already told you...

Hey, Frito. Frito, you remember those crops we saw off the road...

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Hey, how much farther is it?

Hey, Joe, listen. Those cops...

Hey, no. You probably don't want to do that with the IVs attached and all.

Hey, rehabilitation? One night?

Hey, that may be how you refer to women in the future, but come on.

Hey, that's good. You sure you ain't the smartest guy in the world?

Hey, uh, but you're gonna bring her here, right?

Hey, uh, let this dumb ass through.

Hey, um, the, uh... the main screen is malfunctioning...

Hey, was I wearing pants when we went in there?

Hey, you can't leave.

Hey! Come here!

Hey! Is this particular individual the unfit mother?

Hey! She's not puttin' out?

Hey. Hey, get out of here. Hey, get out of here!

Hey. Hey, I know. Let's put toilet water on it. Huh?

Hey. How's it hang, ese?

Hey. Just draw me a map, okay?

Hi, uh, I was in an army experiment, and I'm not feeling so well.

Hi. Excuse me. I'm actually supposed to be getting out of prison today, sir.

Hold on, vato!

Hold on. Just hold on.

Holy shit! Frito, come here! Look!

How come nobody's buying Brawndo the Thirst Mutilator?

How many buckets do you have?

How'd you hook up with this guy, anyway?

However, if successful, we believe humans can be stored indefinitely.

Huh. That's good, 'cause I charge by the hour.

Human evolution was at a turning point.

I also need help finding this girl named Rita, like, immediately...

I can explain everything. We can take 'em to your house, show 'em the pod.

I can't believe I'm even saying this, but...

I didn't know that you'd lose your jobs and all your money...

I didn't see no crops.

I didn't steal anything.

I don't care. Come on!

I don't care. Just get me there, okay?

I don't even know what I'm guilty of here.

I don't know how to be secretary of anything.

I don't know the first thing about growin' crops...

I don't know what the secretary of the interior even is.

I don't know, just... people and fruit and shit.

I don't know. I mean, how did the world ever get like this?

I don't want a new assignment. I tell Sergeant Metsler that every time.

I get a truck too, right?

I give you my word as president.

I give you my word.

I got a couple presidential decrees to make!

I got a solution. You're a dick!

I got a three point plan to fix everything.

I got sat on my face and everything. Maybe check those files back there?

I gotta take care of some "bidness," baby, so I need y'all to wait outside.

I guess I just can't get outta the way anymore, can I? You know what?

I guess I owe you one.

I guess this is good bye then.

I had some pretty bad habits back there that I don't want to fall into again.

I have decided to make him...

I just, uh... I hope he's okay to drive.

I know shit's bad right now with all that starvin' bullshit.

I know!

I know. I know.

I mean, I've never even voted, actually.

I need for you to be serious for a second here, okay? I need help.

I never said that I was the smartest person on earth. You people did.

I object that he interrupted me while I was watching Ow! My Balls!

I open a savings account in your name.

I said I didn't get any.

I should, uh, be honest with you, Mr. President.

I think he can figure out how to sit on his ass and watch TV all day. Let's go.

I think it might be because of these drugs the army put me on.

I think it might have been the drugs they had me on.

I think maybe the world got like this because of people like me.

I thought you was in jail. How'd you get to be the secretary of interior?

I thought your head would be bigger.

I was part of an army experiment...

I, uh, had a neighbor, Glen. He used to make chainsaw sculptures...

I'll, uh...

I'm all set. Can you just get me out of this?

I'm fixin' to commensurate this trial here.

I'm just saying that before I have in vitro, maybe you should be willing to...

I'm not the smartest guy in the world. Okay?

I'm real glad you're happy to be here, Frito, but I brought you here to help me.

I'm sorry. I am being a big dumb ass. Sorry.

I'm sorry. It's just... Where am I?

I'm the secretary of energy.

I've been hallucinating.

I've been thinking. It's been 500 years.

If I can just stay in here another eight years, I get my pension.

If we'd go family style on her.

If you don't have one of these, they're gonna throw you in jail.

If you have one bucket that holds two gallons...

If you put water on the crops, it might actually...

In Costco?

In exchange for dropping of certain criminal charges and a small fee.

In your face, ass! Shut up.

Into a hybrid of hillbilly, valley girl, inner city slang and various grunts.

Into a swimming pool and impaled his crotch on an iron gate.

Into that dust storm, Frito.

Is an only child, and both parents are deceased...

Is that you want us to put water on the crops.

Is this a hospital or...

It began to simply reward those who reproduced the most...

It hadn't even been a year, and the entire project was simply forgotten.

It is a fascinating world though.

It look like a peanut.

It turned out the results of Joe's I. Q. test...

It will be Daddy Justice who will be crapping on him this time.

It won eight Oscars that year, including best screenplay.

It's $80 billion. That's a mighty big minus, isn't it?

It's a really good way to make money. You're so smart, why don't you know that?

It's always me, right?

It's been 500 years? Oh, hell, no!

It's broke and leaky and something's happening.

It's not something you want to rush into, obviously.

It's supposed to embarrass you into leading or at least following.

It's what they use to make Brawndo.

It's you. Oh, man, I really love your show.

It's, like... It's, like, by the museum...

Jesus Christ. Oh, look. One more thing.

Jesus, Collins.

Jesus. I don't understand. Why me?

Jesus. I knew that was too much to hope for.

Joe and Rita had three children...

Joe didn't know any of this...

Joe didn't know it, but the beloved electrolytes...

Joe had awakened to a world in crisis.

Joe stated his case logically and passionately...

Joe used his superior intelligence...

Joe wandered the streets, desperate for help.

Joe was able to understand them...

Joe was arrested for not paying his hospital bill...

Joe was elected the president of America.

Joe, here, is not one of our best men.

Just get in the car. I'll explain everything.

Just go ahead and lie down. Relax.

Just hold on, okay? Everyone just take it easy, okay?

Just keep walking. I'll explain everything.

Keepin' America 'batin' for 300 years.

Ladies and gentlemen, the president of America!

Last time you told me not to worry was 500 goddamn years ago...

Leading to the Great Garbage Avalanche of 2505...

Leaving half the population unemployed...

Let me get that little peanut head up here.

Let the rehabilitation begin!

Let's get ready to rehabilitate Not Sure!

Let's get you sworn in.

Let's see. Growin' crops...

Like build ships and pyramids, and they even went to the moon.

Like garbage, which had been stacked for centuries with no plan whatsoever...

Like garbage, which had been stacked for centuries with no plan whatsoever...

Like, you know what I mean? Like...

Listen to me. Upgrayedd cannot find you, okay? It's impossible!

Listen, I can explain, okay? I was in an army experiment.

Listen, I I... I "supersize" with you...

Listen, you gotta get me on the stand, okay?

Look, how far is it? Can we just take a cab or something?

Look, if you guys are taking me back to that jail...

Look, Joe. You don't have a choice.

Look, Rita, get Frito.

Look, Rita, you gotta understand that Upgrayedd's been dead for a long time now.

Look, you know, you're just gonna have to solve 'em yourselves.

Look, you wanna pay me back? Just go back, okay?

Look!

Luckily, my dad was an alumnus and pulled some strings.

Making him an ideal candidate, with no one to ask any nosy questions...

Man, he don't seem too bright. You sure he knows where he's going?

Man, how do you know this shit's safe?

Man, I could really go for a Starbucks, you know?

Man, I hope somethin' grows fast.

Man, Rita. I mean, I don't know what to say.

Man. You really think those people would have starved to death?

Many of our best pilots, soldiers and military leaders...

Maybe it's time I got a new start.

Me.

Meanwhile, Rita had awakened to find that the world's oldest profession...

Meanwhile, the population exploded, and intelligence continued to decline...

More like... but on the street. You go, um... Wait. Let me start over.

Most science fiction of the day predicted a future that was more civilized...

Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho.

Mr. Bauers was chosen primarily for how remarkably average he is.

Mr. President! Mr. President, I need to talk to you.

Much less the goddamn "ecomony."

My first wife was 'tarded. She's a pilot now.

My head is just killin' me.

My last name is not Sure.

My My My joints are all achy and I...

Natural selection, the process by which the strongest, the smartest...

Never would have guessed this is how I was gonna die.

Next week on Ow! My Balls! Hormel goes to Paris!

No one ever comes in here.

No way.

No, I just need you to tell me how to get to the time machine.

No, it will work. I promise you!

No, it's not correct.

No, it's not. My name is Joe...

No, no, they got a time machine.

No, sir. Turns out she charged some guy a lotta money and didn't put out.

No, thanks. I can handle it. Yeah.

No, wait, listen. You let me, an innocent man, get thrown in jail.

No, you fuckin' moron. To the Rehabilitation place.

No. You could have split on me before, but you didn't.

Not anymore! The stock has dropped to zero...

Not like I do. Like when you get it like this, sideways.

Not so bad, huh?

Not Sure, get your ass up here, wherever you is.

Not Sure, Not Sure, Not Sure!

Not with the market the way it is, no.

Now began to favor different traits.

Now there are plenty of 'tards out there living really kick ass lives.

Now we will begin to proceed to obtain your I. Q. and "apitude" tests.

Now with more molecules?

Now, as you know, throughout the years...

Now, I'm no botanist, but I do know that if you put water on plants, they grow.

Now, prosecutor, why you think he done it?

Now, since y'all say you ain't got no money...

Now, you either lead, follow, or get out of the way. All right?

Number one, we got this guy, Not Sure.

Of how, like, this guy didn't even pay at the hospital.

Often go their entire careers without ever seeing battle.

Oh, God.

Oh, hell, yeah! He's on fire!

Oh, is someone not feeling well?

Oh, man.

Oh, man. That was great.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Oh!

Oh, okay, one more thing. We gotta go find this girl, Rita, first, okay?

Oh, private sector. Okay.

Oh, really?

Oh, shit, I'm pregnant again!

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit. I think it was too big, huh?

Oh, shit. It wasn't me! It wasn't me!

Oh, shit. It's not Upgrayedd.

Oh, shit. It's Upgrayedd.

Oh, shit. Wait a second. What are we gonna do?

Oh, that's easy. You go down by the museum and stuff.

Oh, that's fuckin' great.

Oh, um, he... he's... somewhere else.

Oh, yeah, baby. I can wait so good.

Oh, yeah, give me some. Cut me a piece.

Oh, yeah! What the hell, man?

Oh, yeah? Well, you gonna be glad you waited, baby.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Butt first!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh! Oh, shit!

Oh. If I had some money and a room at the White House...

Oh. No. I'm... I'm all right. Yeah.

Okay, her pod's up here on the right. She shouldn't be far away, I hope.

Okay, how about this? You get me to the time machine, and when I get back...

Okay, look.

Okay, number one, Your Honor, just look at him.

Okay, sir, this is to figure out what your "aptude's" good at...

Okay, sir, we're comin' in.

Okay, sir, we're comin' in.

Okay, sir, we're engaged in procuring your tattoo.

Okay, sir...

Okay, so I go back and I tell her not to do the experiment.

Okay, so maybe Joe didn't save mankind...

Okay, so who are you?

Okay, that's five down and one more to go.

Okay, wait a minute. I'm the smartest guy in the world? Says who?

Okay, you know where the time machine is?

Okay. Get ready to run.

Okay. Hey, a couple of us guys were wonderin', uh...

Okay. Let's go take a look at those crops.

Okay. Let's meet our rehabilitation officers for tonight.

On a work release whorin' license as long as you're doin' her.

One of them court appointed lawyers.

Or so it seemed.

Our first subject for the Human Hibernation Experiment.

Ow, my balls!

Ow! Ow! Goddamn!

Paging Doc...

People wrote books and movies, movies that had stories...

Please come back when you can afford to make a purchase.

Please deposit $2,000 to begin connection.

Please insert your forearm into the forearm receptacle.

Please proceed to the diagnostic area on the right...

Please say the name of the person you wish to call.

Please speak your name as it appears on your current federal identity card...

Please, pull over and wait for the police to incarcerate your passenger.

President Camacho made another promise.

President Camacho stood before the world and promised everyone...

President Camacho!

Promising that, over time, plants would grow and the dust bowl would end.

Right in the balls!

Right now? Shouldn't I train this guy?

Rita agreed to participate in this experiment...

Rita! It's me, Joe, from the experiment. Get in the car! Come on.

Say, would you guys mind if we had a little moment together? Alone?

See you in a year.

See you in a year.

See, uh, just not a lot of moisture. Have you got the map?

See?

Seemed to be heading for this particular "domistile".

She already is here. That must mean I didn't go back in time, right?

Shit, I thought there was two of you.

Shit! I got too many damn kids!

Shit! I must've been thinkin' of Brittany.

Shit. Hang on a second.

Should something go wrong with the experiment.

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

Shut up.

Shuttle comes every few minutes. Shouldn't be long.

Shuttle's down there in electronics, about an hour from here.

So don't worry. You're safe.

So if he mentions anything about a savings account, just play along, okay?

So just as soon as the right guy comes along, you know...

So this is kinda crazy, huh?

So why don't we just try it, okay, and not worry about what plants crave?

So you can try and shoot me. You can try and run me over, whatever.

So you cared whose ass it was and why it was farting.

So you knew this thing was just a ride the whole time?

So you think you can escape again like you did last time?

So, my car's out front...

So, put your hands together and give it up for Frito Pendejo.

So, uh, shit.

So, uh... so the winner is, uh...

So, you owe your boyfriend money?

So? Shut up, 'cause you broke my house.

So? Shut up, 'cause you broke my house.

Some had high hopes that genetic engineering...

Some had high hopes that genetic engineering...

Soon after Collins's arrest and the massive scandal that followed...

Sort of, but, well, actually, not really.

Stand up with me.

Still, he does a pretty good job, eh?

Stop! You're gonna get us caught, okay?

Sure. Let me just finish here.

Tell people to just use their brains or something.

Tell people to read books.

Tell people to stay in school, you know.

Thank you for waiting. Dr. Lexus will be with you shortly.

Thank you so much.

Thank you very much, young man.

Thank you, Velveeta. Well, it started off boring and slow...

Thank you!

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you. "Not" is correct. Is "Sure" correct?

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Your account has been charged.

Thanks, Frito.

That guy got hit in the balls.

That is not okay! And I rest my case!

That Joe would solve all their problems.

That part of the trial sucked.

That ride sucks anyways.

That this guy also broke my apartment to shit.

That wasn't really part of the deal.

That way, 500 years later, it'll be worth billions.

That's a real bummer about Joe, huh?

That's a weird misprint.

That's how come he's making you secretary of interior.

That's just how that shit went on TV!

That's my boy!

That's right. Whatever you say, sir.

That's weird. This thing has the same misprint as that magazine.

That's what I thought!

The base was closed.

The brand new Assdozer!

The economy was in a state of deep neglect.

The fastest reproduced in greater numbers than the rest...

The guy's guilty as shit. We all know that. "

The Human Hibernation Project...

The I. Q. test you took in prison.

The Joey Buttafuoco case...

The man who solved all our problems...

The Masturbation Network.

The most average person in our entire armed forces.

The plants aren't growing, so I'm pretty sure that the Brawndo's not working.

The solution came during the budget crisis of 2330...

The three smartest kids in the world.

Then I'll spend the rest of my life trying to fix it.

Then maybe you'd go to jail for not havin' any money.

Then you just, like, back it up. And then you...

There are 9,726 listings for Upgrayedd.

There was a girl. She was from the same experiment.

There's a bunch of whores in the hallway.

There's a shuttle down in the Costco. It'll drop us right by the time machine.

There's that fag talk we talked about.

These guys know what they're doing. Don't worry.

These guys know what they're doing. Don't worry.

They chained me to a big rock.

They chained me to a big rock.

They must have just forgotten about us.

They're all dead. Everybody I know's dead!

They're bad. You're better off being with us, as bad as that sounds.

They're being all weird and hush hush about it.

They're gonna tat... Ow. Could I speak to your supervisor?

They've tested it on dogs and everything.

Things looked bleak for Joe, but they were even worse for mankind.

Think, uh... you think maybe you could wait a day?

Thirty billion dollars.

Thirty two of the dumbest kids ever to walk the earth.

This execution is brought to you by Brawndo the Thirst Mutilator.

This guy just got his ass a pardon!

This is gonna be so sad. I hope I don't cry.

This is Rita. Like Joe, she has no immediate family.

This one goes in your ear. And this one goes in your butt.

This one... no.

This should help you calm down.

This time, he would lead.

To come up with the best escape plan he could think of.

To make this man...

To make this man...

To produce sperm for artificial insemination.

To the time machine.

Today I step into the shoes of a great man...

Two?

Uh oh. Look.

Uh, 'scuse me. I think this might be Gatorade or somethin'.

Uh, "Rehabil... rehabilate...

Uh, it's, like, far.

Uh, it's, uh... it's 80, Frito.

Uh, no, she is. We, uh... we already did it.

Uh, okay. Uh...

Uh, report.

Uh, right now, I'm going to, uh, you know, confer with my counsel.

Uh, uh, uh...

Uh, yeah, I don't see you in here. So, you're gonna have to, uh, stay in prison.

Uh, yeah, probably not right now.

Uh, yeah. This sucks pretty bad.

Unaware of what year it was...

Unfortunately, Trevor passed away from a heart attack...

Until humanity was incapable of solving even its most basic problems.

Upgrayedd agreed to loan us Rita for exactly one year...

Upgrayedd don't care where the time machine is. Now, then, last week...

Upgrayedd is gonna kill me! He gets mad when I'm a day late with his money!

Upgrayedd.

Upgrayedd. That's an interesting name. Is he Dutch?

Utilize her! Utilize her!

Utilize!

Vice President Frito took eight wives...

Virtually everywhere.

Wait a minute. You got cops after you?

Wait a second. Can we start over? Can I cancel this?

Wait a second. There's the other pod from the army experiment.

Wait here, okay? Wait there.

Wait, okay, I know. Here's what we do.

Wait. This reminds me of something.

Wanna go out, honey?

Warning! Warning!

Was a lot easier when the world is populated by morons.

Water, the basic component of all life...

We did, however, have to come to an arrangement with her pimp...

We go to the time machine, then when I get back to the past...

We gonna see if we can't come up with a verdict up in here.

We got secret service guys with huge guns protecting us, okay?

We had a little less luck in finding a female researcher's dream within our ranks...

We have "proprietarily" obtained for you...

We now go live to Violence Channel correspondent Formica Davis...

We seem to be "experimenting"...

We should focus on the crops. So let's get back to work. Maybe later.

We wake up in a year, you'll be paintin' again.

We'd all like a hand job, but we don't have time for it.

We'll ask for directions on the way.

We're just waiting for the right time.

We're looking for an "excaped" individual.

We've been walking forever. You sure you know where you're going?

Welcome to AOL, Time Warner, Taco Bell, U. S. Government long distance.

Welcome to Carl's Jr.

Welcome to Costco. I love you.

Welcome to Costco. I love you. Welcome to Costco. I love you.

Welcome to the Identity Processing Program of America.

Welcome to the Time Masheen.

Well, don't wanna sound like a dick or nothin'...

Well, I guess we're stuck here.

Well, I mean, it doesn't have to be out of the toilet, but, yeah, that's the idea.

Well, I've never seen no plants grow out of no toilet.

Well, it's not my sperm count.

Well, maybe not cool, but smart people did things...

Well, shit. That's a big pile of rocks.

Well, we finally decided to have children...

Were focused on conquering hair loss and prolonging erections.

Were salts that had been building up in the topsoil over the decades...

What are electrolytes? Do you even know?

What are we doin' here?

What for?

What I'd do is just like, like, you know...

What the f... oh, hell, no. Uh uh.

What the fuck are you all starin' at?

What the fuck?

What the hell is this?

What the hell's wrong with you? That's your car.

What?

What's killing the crops is this Brawndo stuff.

What's the minus of 30 and 20?

Whatever happened to all that "lead, follow, or get outta the way" shit, huh?

When Charlie Chaplin and his evil Nazi regime...

When he says that, you're not supposed to choose "get out of the way."

When I finally utilize you, you gonna be paying me.

When reading wasn't just for fags...

When smart people were considered cool.

When the Brawndo Corporation simply bought the F. D. A...

When you were trying to tell me to get into some coffin.

Whenever you want me to take you...

Where you try to blow up the one person that's tryin' to help you?

Which would set in motion the events that would change the world forever.

While masturbating...

Who's Upgrayedd?

Why come you don't have a tattoo?

Why don't you come back tomorrow?

Why don't you have this?

With no natural predators to thin the herd...

With Not Sure trying to bullshit everyone with a bunch of smart talk.

With the C. E. O. of the Brawndo Corporation.

With the Human Hibernation Project, we will be able to save our best men...

With the local authorities in running his pimp game.

With two D's, as he says, for a double dose of this pimping.

Without adequate legal representation, Joe was given a stiff sentence.

Word is that Beef Supreme himself might come out of retirement.

Would correct this trend in evolution.

Would you like to try our Extra Big Ass Taco...

Wow, that's great.

Wow. Thank you, Formica.

Wow. Well, must be great to be able to make a living doing something you love.

Wow. Well, must be great to be able to make a living doing something you love.

Yeah, back that thing up.

Yeah, but why do they use them to make Brawndo?

Yeah, dumb ass, you're even smarter than President Camacho.

Yeah, I know this place pretty good. I went to law school here.

Yeah, I know. It's perfect for me. No one bothers me. I can't screw up.

Yeah, really. Now, look. Okay, here's the deal.

Yeah, suck one. Time machine costs, like, 20.

Yeah, that's enough of your bullshit, sir.

Yeah, that's...

Yeah, there's a time machine now that can take us back to the past...

Yeah, this is your fault. This shit started happening when we switched to water!

Yeah, well, I really don't think we have time for a hand job, Joe.

Yeah, well...

Yeah, well...

Yeah, what if this time machine don't work?

Yeah, you were like, "I'm not shuttin' up," and I was like...

Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah! Let's give it up for the Guitar Army.

Yeah! Wouldn't shut up!

Yeah! Yeah! I'm gonna fuck all y'all!

Yeah? Okay. Uh, 30, Frito.

Yeah? Well, there must be somethin' he likes over here.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. Don't worry about it. It's okay.

Yeah. Hadn't thought of that.

Yeah. He was great.

Yeah. I couldn't believe it myself.

Yeah. It's not all it's cracked up to be.

Yeah. Oh, boy.

Yeah. Right. Well, not so good, you know.

Yeah. Right. Well, not so good, you know.

Yeah. So we can haul our ass back home.

Yeah. Sure.

Yeah. You thought you could really travel through time, huh?

Yes, I did. Now look...

Yes! Yes!

Yes.

Yes.

Yo, Mr. Secretary Not Sure. They found that whore you wanted.

You and Upgrayedd should seriously think about couples counseling, okay?

You are an unfit mother. Your children will be placed in the custody of Carl's Jr.

You are harboring a fugitive by the name of Not Sure.

You don't want to get thrown in the jails here. I've been in them.

You get a full presidential pardon.

You gotta let me talk to someone in the army! Wait a second.

You gotta stop this thing. He was right about the water.

You have entered the name "Not Sure." Is this correct, Not Sure?

You in bed with a stranger.

You just have to believe me. I just wanted to help you. That's all.

You just have to believe me. I just wanted to help you. That's all.

You know, 'cause I can't go back in time and open a savings account.

You know, for our team, for us to, you know, utilize.

You know, he helps me sell the paintings and shit.

You know, I really envy people that can make a living that way...

You know, I think they were pretty close even in my day. You know?

You know, if you hadn't done that, I'd still be in jail right now, so...

You know, in the bushes?

You know, there was a time in this country...

You know, you don't have to sleep on the floor if you don't want to.

You saved my life. No one's ever done anything like that for me.

You see, a pimp's love is very different from that of a square.

You shut up! Now...

You still got the chain attached.

You still want the money?

You talk like a fag, and your shit's all retarded.

You think Einstein walked around thinkin' everyone was a bunch of dumb shits?

You understand? So I'll be right back.

You wanna solve this problem. I wanna get my pardon.

You were looking out for the whole world so, you know...

You're in the wrong line, dumb ass. Over there.

You're just gonna have to figure it out like we did with the crops.

You're just gonna have to follow.

You're my lawyer?

You're unscannable.

You've already confirmed your first name is Not.

You've got hepatitis!

Your balance is zero.

Your floor is now clean.

Your floor... your floor is now clean.

Your floor... Your floor is now clean.

Your floor... Your floor is now clean.

Your Honor, I'm pretty sure we have a mistrial here, sir.

Your illness is very important to us.

Your kids are starving. Carl's Jr. believes no child should go hungry.

'Too. Yeah. Got it.

All I'm saying is you don't have to worry about it... You know what?

and Frito will give you a hand with it. Why?

and have a healthy day! Oh. Thanks.

Are are are you sure? Yeah.

Are we on base? I'm gonna base your ass on my fist.

Billions! 'Cause?

But Brawndo's got what plants crave. It's got electrolytes.

but I can't accept it, sir. What? Why?

But I got a solution. That's what you said last time, dipshit!

But then, wait. Why am I still here? Uh...

Can it get me back to 2005? Oh, yeah, but it's, like, really expensive.

Come on, Frito. Yeah. I don't think so.

Come on! All right, let's go get my billions.

Come on! My kids are starvin'. I'm sorry you're having trouble.

Come on! My kids are starvin'. I'm sorry you're having trouble.

Come on. Just get me on the stand. Okay.

Crops? And that ain't all. I give you my word.

Do somethin' smart. Yeah.

Document number G24L8. I'm not sure if...

Door won't shut. What about the chain?

Forget about the time machine. Yeah!

Forgot what it was for. Huh.

Fuck her, Joe! Hey, you want us to come along, make sure she puts out?

Get this shit started! We're gonna start without Beef Supreme.

Goddamn it. Yeah, it's got electrolytes.

He's behind the fucking truck! He's over there!

Hell, no. You know what? Let me outta here. Thank you for your help.

Hey, we found that lawyer you wanted. Oh, okay. Great, thanks.

Hey, you mind if I pound on that, Joe? What?

Hey! Oh, oh, okay.

Hey. Wanna make some money? I like money.

Hold on. Next, on The Violence Channel...

Hopefully get it worked out by the time we get back here. Sounds pretty smart.

How many billions? Like, 10.

How? Think about it, you know?

How'd this happen? How did it happen?

Hurry up, asshole! Come on!

Hurry up! This one. This one goes in your mouth.

I can't watch this. This is...

I don't even know what it is. You better find out.

I don't talk like that. "I don't talk like that."

I got an idea. Let's put it in the trunk. Yeah. That'll work.

I like having sex with chicks. Yeah?

I thought it was in Georgia. Georgia's in Florida, dumb ass.

I thought someone should look out for you too. Thanks.

I thought you was on the pill or some shit! Hell, no!

I was just looking for some regular water. Water?

I would be like, "It's mine, all night!" Listen. Cut it out!

I'm gonna be a CEO. At Starbucks?

I'm gonna mistrial my foot up your ass, you don't shut up.

I'm good at this. Good at what? Sittin' on ass?

I'm not used to it. Yeah. Me neither.

It's a weird feeling being smarter than everyone. Mm hmm.

It's right there. I see it. I see it.

Joe? That's Not Sure, ma'am.

Kinda reminds me of this one time that I was... Man.

Like we did on the crops. Come on, vato.

Look, Rita, I don't know how this happened, okay?

Man, what? Oh, yeah, baby.

Me? No. Okay. This particular individual is unscannable.

Mm hmm. What do you paint mostly?

My what? I'm gettin' replaced? Yeah, they didn't tell you?

Next. Welcome to the Healthmaster Inferno...

No, I'm serious here. Don't worry, scrot.

No, wait. Please stand clear of the doors.

No! Stop! Calm down! Calm down! Calm down!

No. Some new assignment.

No. They pretty much fixed that. How?

No. They pretty much fixed that. How?

Now you know why he built that bomb. Yeah.

Number two, he's got a higher IQ than any man alive.

Objection! What are you objectifyin' on?

Oh, hey. I'm sorry about that. No. No.

Oh, I I like money. Yeah.

Oh, my God! You're not unscannable, are you?

Oh, yeah? Yeah! And even if Upgrayedd...

Oh, yeah. Discreetly.

Okay, I'll, uh, throw in another couple billion, all right? I like money.

Ow! Please hold still for your photograph.

Ow! God! Hey, stop! Damn it.

Please confirm your last name, "Sure." My...

Please stand clear. Freeze! Hands up! Don't move!

Please, listen. "Please, listen."

powered by Jormi Technology. Uh, this goes in your mouth.

Put your hands up! Don't move! Freeze!

Rehabilation." Why do you keep trying to read that word?

right by the Starbucks? Uh huh.

Secretary Not Sure. Secretary? Secretary of what?

Sit down. It's President Camacho. Hey, hey, hey, yo...

So why didn't you tell us? 'Cause I like money. I'm sorry.

So you smart, huh? No, no.

So, uh, what do you do? A little of this, a little of that.

Tastes like Gatorade. Is that that Brawndo stuff?

Thank you, Not Sure. No. What I mean is my name is Joe.

Thank you! Rita!

That's not what the other lawyer said. What do you mean what the...

That's not what the other lawyer said. What do you mean what the...

That's real good. Then you... oh, yeah!

Then I won't have to come back and save her, right? I...

Then she won't even be here. That'll work, right? Uh...

There's no way we could have a child now. Mm mm.

This is an illegal move, okay? So don't tell nobody. Oh!

This particular individual's name is Not Sure. Eighty billion.

Trust me. What happened to those army guys?

Uh, the toilet. Be right back.

Uh, this way. Yeah!

Uh, yeah. You do paintings or...

Uh... No, wait, hold on. It just means I haven't done it yet.

Um, Your Honor? Hmm?

Unscannable! No! No, you don't understand!

Utilize her! Okay.

We could break it. No. He could escape.

We should hang out. Totally.

We're all unemployed! You think that makes the "ecomony" suck?

Well... Please!

What are the odds of... Where's your tattoo? Tattoo?

What are we doing at the White House? What?

What is this? Okay, sir, this is the White House.

What unit are you with? Oh, I ain't in the service.

What? Oh, goddamn it.

What? Ow! Ow. Ow. Ow.

What? Ow! Ow. Ow. Ow.

What? Oh, no. No! Please come back when you can afford to make a purchase.

What's the matter? Man, Upgrayedd didn't tell me they'd be putting me...

Where's Officer Collins? Shut up!

Where's your tattoo? Oh, my God.

Where's... Hold on. Shut up!

Who's smart now? Let's bring out our criminal.

Why do you keep saying that? 'Cause they pay me every time I do.

Why is this happening? I think it's because we switched to water, but...

With his options running out, Joe took a bold step.

Yeah, I guess I did. Yeah.

Yeah, man, but you said there was a time machine, right? Yeah.

Yeah! Good, good. That's a good idea.

Yeah! Jesus, that was close.

Yeah! the only undefeated officer ever in history...

Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah. And you made me get in the car? I got two strikes, asshole!

Yeah. I can't hear you!

Yeah. I think everybody does, Frito.

Yeah. What?

Yeah. Yeah? You're still gonna paint though, right?

Yeah. I like money though. Police! Open the door!

Yes. Water. Like out the toilet?

You got something I can wear? Yeah. There's Pro Wear on the top, assorted in the middle.

You gotta be shittin' me. Did he win?

You know, I gotta get home. But we still got all these problems.

you know, I think I'm actually gonna kinda miss 'em. Yeah.

You know, scientists? You know? Uh.

You like money and sex? You're trippin' me out. What the fuck?

You mean this is all your fault? What?

You think it was for lattes? Yeah. Probably.

your body needs electrolytes. Yeah.

'Cause Brawndo's got electrolytes.

'Cause of the interest, it'll be worth billions of dollars.

'cause the test I took was real, real easy.

'Cause you been chargin' me by the hour, and it's been, like, three days.

'Cause, I was, you know... I was definitely in prison, okay?

'Too.

"Excape. " "Excape. "

"Excape. " "Excape. "

"Oh, I gotta go to the time machine. I wanna go home. "