💬 Dumb and Dumber To (2014)

A family reunion in no time.

A gift for Dr. Barbara Walcott

A gift to all humanity.

A little squirrelly on the corners,

Actually, there were four cupcakes, sir.

Adele, what do you say we call Penny right now

ADELE: (WHISPERING) Calm down.

ADELE: Is it done? (SIGHS) No.

ADELE: What's happening? BARBARA: I have no idea.

ADELE: You're in Maryland.

Adele?

ADELE". Please stop that.

After 22 years, what's another couple of hours, right?

After all you've done for him?

After kidney surgery to have sex?

After you left for El Paso,

Age is just a letter, man.

Ah, Christmas like the holiday?

Ah, look who's arrived. Tom Brady

Ah.

Ahhh! (GASPS)

All I saw was the toothbrush. So maybe I took...

All proprietary rights.

All right, all right, all right. Aw.

All right, I'll take the bait. Who's the third best?

All right, so it's agreed, I'm king of the car, right?

All right, um, yes, then I'll have someone

All right.

All right. But make sure nobody knows they paid us a visit.

All right. Here you go.

All right. Hop on.

All this means is that your real parents are out there somewhere.

All you do is imagine that you're in your underwear.

Almost two decades and he still comes.

Am I right?

An invention that ends world hunger.

And a bone.

And all mankind deserves free access to it

And ask him for some chick's number.

And boing, you hit her up for the kidney.

And entertain you...

And even if it had worked out,

And get her to call me on this.

And go find that little girl! (CHUCKLING)

And he can't take her kidneys.

And he will lead them straight to Penny.

And his associate, Dr. Christmas.

And I also brought you some hydroponically grown goji berries

And I don't know what to say to her.

And I don't mean to be insensitive,

And I got this pork chop.

And I know popcorn. I'm the second best popcorn maker I know.

And I lost the ticket that they need to take, plus, I lost my pass.

And I thought that I grabbed it,

And I will go to the ends of the earth to...

And I'm gonna make sure it gets to my daughter, safe and sound.

And I'm supposed to be making the speech,

And I've never joined anything. Ever.

And if I can't find another kidney real soon, I'm dead meat.

And it better be good.

And it has to be some place outside the convention center.

And it was all just for a gag?

And judge the Young Inventors competition?

And makes me get undressed in front of the computer

And many of us are interested in hearing his findings.

And maybe have his ass handed to him

And nobody farted,

And parked it a couple seconds ago?

And personally give it to the head of the conference, Dr. Walcott,

And say how sorry I am that I can't be there.

And she's headed right over here to meet him.

And slapped up some aluminum siding, it wouldn't be half bad.

And some organic pumpkin chips. Enjoy.

And take the billion dollar box.

And that box belongs to my husband.

And that is why I have relinquished

And the cruelty of this got me to thinking.

And the good thing about having no identity

And the gravitational lensing of background radiation.

And the speech is supposed to start right now,

And then

And then when Harry and Lloyd showed me

And then when you're ready...

And there's no way they'll let me in without a ticket.

And there's no way you're mistaken?

And threw Butthole inside his place when we were leaving.

And volunteer at one of those leprechaun colonies.

And we almost...

And we were kicking field goals with it

And we were told this is where she lives.

And we will resume, uh, shortly.

And you and I were doing cartwheels

And you filled him with wonder.

And you just seemed a little too upbeat.

And you let me come here every Wednesday for, like, a thousand weeks,

And you never had to change all those poopie diapers.

And you owed me 40 bucks

And you were faking? Uh huh.

And you're not my grandson!

And, Barbara, this is Dr. Pinchelow

And, frankly,

ANNOUNCER: Here's today's Mega Lottery picks, worth 34 million dollars.

ANNOUNCER: This type of evening always provides

Anybody have a pen?

Anyway

Anyway, would you tell her that I've located our daughter.

Anyway. Sorry about that whole thing.

Apparently he's better.

April's a leap month.

Are introduced and discussed.

Are you absolutely certain?

Are you all right? Uh, bad back.

Are you crazy? Pick those up!

Are you guys kidding? No! No!

Are you guys serious?

Are you hungry? Can I get you something to eat?

Are you not listening to me, Lloyd?

Are you okay, Hat'?

Are you okay, honey?

Are you saying... What I'm saying is,

Are you serious?

Are you smiling at me? Are you smiling at me?

Are you sure about Ms, Hat'?

Are you sure about this, Lloyd?

Are you sure you don't wanna come, Dad?

Are you sure?

Are you telling me that you were faking for 20 years?

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

As long as she doesn't have AIDS. (INTERCOM BEEPS)

As Vince Lombardi used to say,

At Felcher and Felcher Funeral Parlor.

At least I'm gonna marry her.

At least we're in the door.

At my follow up appointment next Tuesday.

AUTOMATED VOICE: Dark matter is not a joke. (SQUEAKS)

Aw!

Award, honey.

Awesome!

Awesome! (CHUCKLES)

BARBARA: Have you found Dr. Pinchelow yet?

BARBARA: It's marvelous to meet you, Mrs. Pinchelow.

BARBARA: Oh, you're a leg puller!

Because Fraida had a cute little smiley face on her back

Because he lost his passports and money.

Because he's never even been to a dentist.

Because I actually want to do important things in the world.

Because I don't even know what they're up to.

Because it wouldn't have been funny if I stopped too soon.

Because of the postcard.

Because of this.

Because we never had sex.

Been there, done that.

Before Dumbelina gets back from that egghead convention, remember?

Bernard Pinchelow?

Bernard. Oh, thank God you're here.

Besides, I changed your poopie diapers for 20 years.

Best day ever. Greatest day of my life, really.

Better not be my heart. DOCTOR: No.

Billy's over the whole Petey thing.

Biscuit, come here, boy.

Boats are dangerous.

Bon appétit, kid!

BOTH: (CHANTING) Nerd!

BOTH: Booga! (SCREAMING)

BOTH: Break it up! Get off!

BOTH: Mmm.

BOTH: Oh. (BOTH CHUCKLE)

BOTH: Show us your tits!

Boy, I sure wish I could have been there for her when she was little.

Boy, this is quite a shack, huh, Har?

Boyfriend trouble?

Boys rule, girls drool.

Broom closet around here somewhere, huh?

Brought you all your favorite candies.

BUS DRIVER: Hey, guys!

Bush club!

Bushes like that don't come along every day.

But all the geeky science guys are gonna be so disappointed.

But don't you have to... (GRUNTING)

But don't you think it still would have been funny

But don'tjudge me till you see this.

But Dr. Pinchelow is right.

But first, why don't you join them.

But I didn't wanna worry you.

But I had finally figured out that you were faking.

But I thought he pulled through.

But I will ask that everyone please behave

But I'll bet I would have been a pretty good dad.

But I'm waiting for my dad and his friend, so if you'll excuse me.

But if you say you smelled a fart

But it cures cancer.

But it was too late.

But it's a little late for that.

But it's out of the question.

But it's still uncanny! (CHUCKLES)

But Penny doesn't give her speech until the night of May 2nd.

But Penny read me the letter.

But she never wrote me back.

But somehow they turned the tables on him.

But that kid kinda porked me when I traded him for the mini bike.

But that was a couple of years ago.

But that's where she pees!

But then I'm picking up a reward for my dad.

But there's a drawing board you should be getting back to.

But this is your dad.

But we can't seem to find Dr. Christmas on the roster.

But we're straight.

But we've gotta get this man's shoulder cleaned out.

But what about theinvenfion?

But what if I go like this?

But what would be the motive? (CHUCKLES)

But when I looked in my purse,

But when you got it on a straightaway...

But you know what?

But you know you're not our real son, right?

But, have you considered this,

But, Lloyd, Billy has over a hundred rare birds in there!

But, Lloyd, we don't have a phone number or address,

But, uh, does Dr. Pinchelow have Asperger's?

But, uh, he wanted me to ask you to find a nice, romantic place

But, wait. We have so much to talk about.

But... Harry, enough!

Bye, Grandma!

Can be injected into the human body

Can I have a new one, please?

Can I meet her?

Can it sing? (CROWD LAUGHS)

Can you bring me some more Pepto?

Can you call back later?

Can you give us a moment?

Can you hear me now?

Can you show us?

Can't I check them out now?

Can't you kill someone else?

Check it out, you take the funnel,

Check out the hotties at 12 o'clock.

Close one. Any girlfriends?

Come on, bring it in!

Come on, come on, come on! Spit it out!

Come on, Harry!

Come on, let's get in line.

Come on, Siskel, give me a movie quote.

Come on! Pick it up!

Come! Come in!

Comedy is all about timing, Har.

Cool!

Cool.

Could you repeat the question? (CROWD LAUGHS)

Cranston, Rhode Island?

Creative concepts andideas

Credentials, please?

Credentials, please.

Cripes! I was so close!

Dad, what are you saying? (SIGHS)

Dad, what did you do with all those Penthouses?

Dad!

Daddy's not gonna let him get anywhere near you.

Did she say diamonds?

Did you give him the key to our apartment?

Did you have a C section

Did you hide them inside this turkey?

Did you just feed them something?

Did you remember to bring the ATM card I gave you?

Did you throw them out?

Didn't you meet her through Pete Stainer?

Discoveries in human history

Do you always call your wife Mrs. P?

Do you believe that? Did you see what he did?

Do you guys have any idea where we are?

Do you happen to know where she is right now?

Do you know how long you have to wait

Do you know if Adele came with him?

Do you know what this means, Harry?

Do you love him long time? (CHUCKLES)

Do you mind?

Do you not realize what just fell into our laps?

Do you remember, you've been shot?

Do you suck the toe jam off Mommy and Daddy, too?

Does it have aspartame?

Does that mean I still have all my kidneys?

Does the word "hot tub" jog your memory?

Doesn't she look radiant? Tom's in agreement, I think.

Don't be glum, Har.

Don't deny it, Lloyd!

Don't do this, Lippincott.

Don't touch that joystick! (STRAINING)

Don't worry, when we get home,

Don't, Lloyd!

Double points.

Dr. Barbara Walcott.

Dr. Barbara? A lady doctor? Seriously?

Dr. Bernard Pinchelow.

Dr. Garabedian is a world renowned astrophysicist

DR. MELDMANN: Gentlemen.

DR. MELDMANN: So let's give a warm, KEN welcome

Dr. P encrusted that to me.

Dr. Pinchelow is coming.

Dr. Walcottjust had a wonderful idea.

Due to security concerns everyone must be on the list to get in.

Duh!

Easy.

Eat me. Suck it!

Eh! NObOdyI

Emergency that we find her.

Engage super thrusters!

England. Surrey.

Especially when you eat prunes!

Even if I find him, my kid's never met me.

Even if it's just a few Pop Rocks?

Eventhough it's Christmas Eve,

Ever since you first saw her picture.

Every episode?

Excuse me, gentlemen.

Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen.

Excuse me, ma'am. Yes?

Excuse me, sir. ls Fraida working today?

Excuse me, Your Highness,

False fart!

Family.

Family. (CHUCKLES)

Fanny Felcher! Ow!

Fine.

Five million dollars buys a lot of champagne.

Flghtabove her bikini line.

Folks come from all over the city to buy it.

Follow me.

For my having canceled at the last moment.

For the cocktail reception, Dr. Pinchelow?

Forget it! (CHUCKLES)

Fraida Felcher.

FRAIDA: Are you ready, baby?

FRAIDA: Harry? (CHUCKLES)

FRAIDA: Penny, wonderful news!

FRAIDAI Like?

Fresh beers.

From that stupid worm farm loan.

From the gravitational effect on visible matter

Funny you should ask.

Gave his daughter up for adoption 20 something years ago

Gentlemen, I hate to break up this Mensa summit,

Gentlemen, this is not a kidney.

Get a good balance on that.

Get out of there! Move it!

Get over there! Get over there!

Get the box.

Getting a new kidney is a really big deal.

Give it to me.

Give me a hand over here. Si.

Give me the box! Here you go.

Go ahead, Granny. Mikey's listening.

Go ahead, Lippincott, kill them.

Go up more.

Go! (ALL SCREAM)

God, and you're okay!

God, shut up! (BEEPS)

God's got a pretty warped sense of humor, huh?

Good. Oh!

Good. Okay, keep looking at the sky. When you're ready.

Got any cash?

Got it.

Got ya!

Granny did a good thing!

Great!

Great. It's sold out. I'm dead.

Great. We have a seat saved for you in the front row.

Gross.

Guys, hold on, all right? Look.

Guys, there's still one thing I don't understand.

Guys?

Half the time, it wasn't even my poop.

Hand deliver the box to Penny? (GASPS)

Hand it over, buddy.

Hands behind your back. Hands behind your back. (GRUNTING)

Harry doesn't have a wife.

Harry Dunne!

Harry Dunne.

Harry, before you go, your mail piling up for many year.

Harry, don't you hear that?

Harry, holy cow.

Harry, Lloyd.

Harry, she's got me.

Harry, you not touch your peanut butter.

HARRY: Both Of them! LLOYD: (CHUCKLING) Yeah!

HARRY: Coming through. LLOYD: My bad!

HARRY: For starters, how was the pregnancy?

HARRY: Fraida!

HARRY: No one. LLOYD: Mmm hmm.

HARRY: There are a couple of hotties over here.

Harry!

Harry! There you are!

Harry?

Harry.

HARRY'S DAD: Where you been?

HARRY'S MOM: Harry, Harry.

Has anybody seen this lovely, delicate angel?

Have you been doing yoga?

Have you seen her? Lovely and delicate.

He can't even be identified by his teeth

He donated them?

He drove a Zamboni!

He must be trying to sell the box.

He needs it.

He ran into some guy named Lloyd who was with your father.

He said it was something that would help everybody in the world, right?

He said she's on her way!

He showed up for us. Go find him.

He stole it from us.

He took off on us!

He took off on us.

He was

He won't let anything happen to the box.

He'll know how to reach her.

He's a good boy! Yes, he is!

He's going down!

He's got a gun! (ALL SCREAMING)

He's got the best rare bird collection in Rhody!

He's hooked on crack.

He)', Har!

Hello, Baxter. How are you? Good to see you.

Hello?

HERBERT: Hello, you've reached Herbert Felcher

Here we go!

Here we go. Oops!

Here you go, doctors.

Here you go, honey.

Here, let me turn them up.

Here, try this.

Here.

Here. (CHUCKLES)

Here's a picture I found of my daughter online.

Hers is on the side with the stamp.

Hey, all right. All right, that's good. Mmm...

Hey, Billy!

Hey, gang! I'm home!

Hey, Goldfinger!

Hey, guys, check this out!

Hey, guys, I know this is weird timing, but I gotta take this.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Hat.

Hey, hey! Get back here!

Hey, how do you know my...

Hey, Mr. Dunne!

Hey, Mr. Dunne.

Hey, sorry you got killed!

Hey, this is great!

Hey, Tom! Hey, Gus!

Hey, uh, Penny. Um...

Hey, wait a second.

Hey, wait.

Hey, where's my dad?

Hey, who's this? Ah.

Hey, you should pick out one of those coffins while we're here.

Hey, you wanna see something neat?

Hey,Penny!

Hey!

Hey! Have you guys ever played "Funnel Nuts"?

Hey! Hey!

Hey! No, no, no! I mean,

Hi, barkeep.

Hi, I need to get in.

Hi, Lloyd, I'm Penny.

Hi, Pee Stain!

Hi!

Hi! This is a private message for Fraida Felcher.

His wife.

His words.

Hmm? (CHUCKLES)

Hmm.

Hold on.

Holidays and graduations.

Holy crap!

Holy shit.

Honey, would you like some pancakes?

Hook, line and sphincter!

How about a hug?

How am I supposed to find the man in this throng

How can I ever thank you for what you did for me?

How can I forget? It's all you ever talk about.

How can you play one on one?

How come you get to meet her before I do?

How could either of you have possibly thought

How did you get this? (PANTING)

How do I even know that you know my dad?

How does a baked potato help everybody in the world?

How many days are in April?

How many did you put in there?

How much for a beer? It's gratis.

How stupid do we look? (CHUCKLES)

How was your trip from Maryland?

How would you like to come with us

How would you like to meet some relatives?

How you doing, buddy?

How you doing, sugar tits? I missed you.

How's it going, Ice Pick?

How's your day?

Huh?

Huh. Junk mail, junk mail.

Hurry, he's been shot!

I 9dr you so good!

I admit, it's thought provoking.

I almost forgot. There's one more thing.

I am gonna give that quack an earful

I am nervous! I'm about to meet my kid

I appreciate your concern, Adele,

I ate the two chocolate ones. Lloyd!

I believe it's a pork chop.

I bet you he don't pee sitting down.

I better get a map out of the bag, huh?

I brought some protection.

I call sloppy seconds!

I called the FBI to make sure Penny was protected.

I can't come here anymore.

I can't drop by his house in the middle of the night

I can't hear you, you're breaking up.

I can't wait to see what's in this.

I cannot live on this emotional roller coaster any longer.

I could eat the mud hole out of a dead skunk! (SNICKERING)

I couldn't stop wondering

I crossed the border into Mexico.

I didn't have a car. She always had to pick me up in her van.

I didn't take 34 years to come out of the closet

I didn't think you'd recognize me after all these years.

I didn't wanna be a helicopter parent.

I do.

I don't even know cursive.

I don't know about this, Lloyd.

I don't know if I told you this, Har,

I don't know what you're talking about.

I don't know. Same stuff you talked about in high school

I don't think I'll have to wait too long.

I don't think so, mister.

I don't wanna argue with you guys all the way down to El Paso.

I don't want this coming back to us.

I failed you again!

I fathered a child.

I feel bad saying it, but you're slunk meat.

I feel really good, Har.

I figured

I forgot to get someone to feed Butthole. (SCOFFS)

I forgot.

I found him out in the alley a couple years ago.

I gave her up for adoption.

I got a hit.

I got a message that my daughter,

I got accepted to Arizona State.

I got it first!

I got it from my twin brother. He's Special Ops.

I got kind of a serious medical problem.

I got you so good!

I gotta see this.

I had a daughter. Named her Fanny. (EXHALES)

I had all the right numbers, but in the wrong order.

I had my kidney removed

I had to get somebody to pay your half of the rent

I have a theory.

I have an idea.

I have something to tell you that might freak you out a little bit,

I have your cell phone.

I haven't been home in over 20 years.

I hear you got a lot of flocking birds. (BOTH LAUGHING)

I hope something really bad happens to him.

I just ran into a Mexican guy who knows Penny.

I just spoke with his daughter, Penny, on the phone

I just wrote him a note, left some food

I know all about Oyster Swallow Cove,

I know exactly what we gotta do. (CRASHES)

I know he doesn't wipe real well.

I know how to get stuff done!

I know how to settle this.

I know it's never easy to relay this kind of sad news.

I know what you're up to, mister.

I know you've got more integrity than this!

I know, right? I've always wondered that!

I know!

I know! You're the gopher from Caddyshack.

I learned from the best.

I like it a lot.

I like what you've done with the place.

I love hellos.

I love you!

I mean, at this exact moment in time, what do we do?

I mean, I would, in a New York heartbeat.

I mean, the shock treatments, the partial lobotomy!

I mean, what would we talk about?

I mean, you know, like...

I mean, you'd think it would be bad for their teeth.

I met her at the bar yesterday.

I must have taken hundreds of guys there.

I need a kidney transplant.

I need something to drink.

I never needed a kidney!

I ordered a vanilla shake and they gave me a chocolate one.

I played with your boobies for a long time that night.

I recognized that the handwriting

I regretted it as soon as I did it.

I remember I kicked one over the telephone wires, and you said...

I remember one afternoon,

I think he wanted us to have a chance to bond.

I think I gotta pinch a loaf.

I think I know a shakedown when I see one.

I think I know where we are.

I think I might have turned them up too high!

I think I've got a couple...

I think I've got it here, somewhere.

I think it might be a baked potato.

I think it might be on the inside! (LAUGHS)

I think she can do better.

I think so.

I think we got off on the wrong foot.

I think we might have a hustler here, Har.

I think you mean Ireland.

I thought it had to be four numbers.

I thought those Canadian accents were a little shaky.

I thought you said you never played before.

I thought you'd want to know. (SIGHS)

I totally sucked you in.

I trust you had a safe journey in?

I turned out fine. My mom smoked like a chimney.

I wanna see if my lizard's still spitting straight.

I want them dead, now! Now! Do you hear me?

I want you to bone her like a chicken cutlet.

I want you to know that there's no place I would rather be

I want you to take all the diamonds with you when you go.

I want you to take this box

I wanted it to be a surprise, Adele. (EXHALES)

I was a paperboy for a week.

I was a titanic whore.

I was about to be a single mom and I needed money.

I was sick of mowing the lawn.

I was trying to clean off this smudge!

I wonder what it would have been like to raise a child.

I wonder what's in this sucker.

I wondered why my kidney had grill marks.

I wrote her a letter.

I'd already signed away all my rights.

I'd give it to you myself.

I'd like you to meet the director of the conference,

I'll be honest. It's not my favorite thing.

I'll be right back.

I'll come up with a plan.

I'll do it. I got it.

I'll get you a freshie.

I'll lend you a car.

I'll see them. Let them in. (INTERCOM BUZZING)

I'll take out the guys, get the box.

I'll tell you what, warden.

I'm a hack. (CROWD GASPS)

I'm about to kill you.

I'm about to meet my kid!

I'm fixing lunch for my husband.

I'm Fraida.

I'm Fraida. LLOYD: Oh.

I'm going to say probably not.

I'm going with them? Why the hell did you tell him that?

I'm gonna fix you up with someone your own age.

I'm gonna go fetch the, uh, director of the conference,

I'm gonna say this one more time.

I'm gonna write an IOU and I'm gonna leave it blank.

I'm her father, Lloyd,

I'm here to help you out.

I'm his associate, Dr. Christmas.

I'm just not a urine match. (MEOWS)

I'm making you some nice warm oatmeal.

I'm not finding anything. (CHUCKLES)

I'm not gonna go crawling back to them, Lloyd.

I'm not gonna sit around sniffing your farts like some kinda truffle pig.

I'm not gonna steal an old lady's hearing aid!

I'm not stupid.

I'm Penny's baby papa.

I'm reading his mind. Mmm hmm. I'm picking it up, too.

I'm sorry, lady! We're looking for Fanny Felcher!

I'm sorry, Lloyd, but I gotta get back to the convention.

I'm sorry, sir. What is this?

I'm sorry, your name is?

I'm supposed to be giving a big speech for my dad any minute.

I'm sure she'll appreciate all the trouble you've gone to

I'm sure those janitors will thank us later. Mmm.

I'm sure we could work something out.

I'm the deadbeat dad, notyou.

I'm the good guy here! All right.

I'm the one who supplied you with the untraceables.

I'm the only Fraida in the family.

I'm thinking about getting new speakers.

I'm thinking of a number between one and three.

I'm way too flu ey to travel.

I'm worried about you.

I've always wanted to go to India

I've been hiding them from those thieving lawyers.

I've been looking all over for you.

I've been racking my sack about that.

I've got the diamonds.

I've had a full life.

I've known about this for a while,

I've seen every episode of Full House.

If I hadn't sold that crotch rocket to Pee Stain,

If I recall,

If I'm leaving,

If I'm not Penny's father and Lloyd's not her father,

If she doesn't want to meet me,

If she introduced me to one of her hot girlfriends.

If she's my kid,

If we find Fraida, we find your kid.

If we find your kid, we find your kidney.

If we put too much in at once, it could show up in an autopsy.

If you don't eat it, it doesn't come true.

If you had told me you were kidding before I lost my vital organ?

If you say who dealt it,

If you smell a fart, and you didn't do it,

In a baggie. (CHUCKLING)

In a couple of games of Dig Dug.

In a professional and dignified...

In case you need me late at night.

In front of the room service guy here, eh? (BOTH CHUCKLE)

In the back of the van?

In the backseat of a Toyota Tercel

Is gonna make everything okay!

Is in there.

Is it that thingy that they gave me to get in here?

Is not the same as having sex.

Is she there?

Is that grown up Billy in 4 C? Uh huh.

Is that you never have to worry about identity theft.

Is that you, Lloyd? (CHUCKLES)

Is this 6765 Elmwood Avenue,

Is your butt okay?

Isn't it obvious the other guy did?

Isn't that good? Mmm hmm.

It actually starts today,

It ain't gonna happen.

It broke up the monotony.

It hurts, Lloyd. it hurts so bad.

It shrank mine.

It sure would be nice. (EXHALES)

It was just cupcakes.

It was lovely.

It was the first day of spring,

It went smoothly. (SCOFFS)

It will settle your tummy.

It would be morally wrong to profit from this.

It would be nice to know what's in it, though.

It's "award," you stupid bitch!

It's 11 11.

It's a good thing I'm not your uncle.

It's a kidney. My kidney.

It's a postcard from Fraida Felcher.

It's a silent

It's all a big misunderstanding! I've gotta go!

It's all in the speech

It's all right, Doctor.

It's an emergency!

It's Bernard.

It's burning my eyes.

It's close. Mmm.

It's complicated, so pay attention.

It's for him,

It's got nothing to do with age! It's got to do...

It's in my head and I can't unlearn it!

It's just a little candy.

It's kind of a medical

It's Mikey.

It's much too valuable to ship.

It's my dead dad.

It's my job to protect my daughter.

It's not beer, it's my kidney!

It's not gonna be nearly as much fun without you.

It's okay, Lloyd.

It's okay. I left the vanilla ones for humanity.

It's on!

It's open!

It's over!

It's ringing! (CELL PHONE BUZZING)

It's so nice to meet you!

It's sort of complicated.

It's the fat lady singing.

It's the least he can do.

It's the least I could do.

It's totally undetectable.

It's, uh, Penny Pinchelow.

James Bond.

James boned.

Just a small gift.

Just enough to get a rise out of him.

Just get back here!

Just relax. We can overnight it to her.

Just there.

Just to go back into one

Kick his ass, Seabass!

Kidney?

Ladies and gentlemen, this is an AMBER Alert.

Lady doctor, that always cracks me up.

Lam not going to force myself on her.

Lam quitting, and I mean it!

Legs are a little rubbery after all that time sitting here.

Let me see your purty teeth!

Let my people

Let's be responsible here.

Let's do this.

Let's get you away from these guys, huh? Let's go.

Let's have a look.

Let's just drop it!

Like if we were just passing a slaughterhouse...

Like the toe sucking rat that you are.

Like we'd be fighting over those blowfish jowls. (BOTH SNICKERING)

Like women shouldn't smoke during pregnancy.

Like, "I wonder who my deadbeat dad is?"

LIP P I N CCDTTI That's right.

LIPPINCOTTI Oh, I Will.

LIPPINCOTTI Really?

Listen to this.

Living the dream.

Lloyd, did you say something?

Lloyd, I got something important to tell you.

Lloyd, look!

Lloyd, the kidney!

Lloyd, there's something...

Lloyd, this is about me.

Lloyd, we blew our money on the graduation robes.

Lloyd, what did you do with the box?

LLOYD: And if I recall,

LLOYD: Cool.

LLOYD: Crap on toast! Pretty bird.

LLOYD: Good! I can hear you loud and clear.

LLOYD: Ha ha! Good one!

LLOYD: Harry?

LLOYD: Hey,

LLOYD: Hey, wait a minute!

LLOYD: I can't believe that douchebag stole our hearse.

LLOYD: I hope this isn't your favorite part.

LLOYD: I, uh, plugged my number in there

LLOYD: I'll give you a hint.

LLOYD: If we died, no one would even miss us.

LLOYD: No, I think it's 32, Har.

LLOYD: on, yeah.

LLOYD: There you are!

LLOYD: What if we go track her down for you?

LLOYD: What's so funny?

LLOYD: What's wrong with this thing?

LLOYD: You can count on us, sir.

Lloyd!

Lloyd?

Lloyd? Are you okay?

Lloyd.

Look at her! She's got it down!

Look at that! (HARRY GASPS)

Look at the postmark.

Look, Harry.

Look, I can prove it.

Look, lady, I know you're terminating your husband.

Looking for these?

Lookit Giant nutcracker. (WHIRRING)

Looks like we got another stocking stuffer.

Lot of memories on this street.

Man, you gotta give me something!

Man, you okay? it was just a goof.

MAN: Come on, come on!

MAN: We need a trauma room.

Man.

Marry her? No.

Mary Samsonite was just a girl.

May I ask you a question, Doctor,

Maybe a couple of dick jokes to put her at ease.

Maybe I couldn't afford to send her to the best public schools,

Maybe she didn't get your letter.

Maybe we should catch a bus to Pee Stain's house.

Maybe, just maybe,

Me, my daughter and my kidney.

Me? (LAUGHING) Yeah, right! Nice try!

Me? You had it.

Meet him at the door in a hurry.

Mikey?

Mine is stinky, too.

Mister, lam appealing to your sense of God and family.

Mmm hmm? (SIGHS)

Mmm hmm.

Mmm, not that bad. (CHUCKLES)

Mmm.

Mr. Dunne!

Mr. Stainer is Penny's grandfather.

MR. STAINER: Yeah, we know.

Mr. Stainer. Mrs. Stainer. Nice to see you.

Mrs. P,

MRS. SNERGLE: Oh, thank God you're here.

Ms. Pinchelow, your car is here.

Ms. Snergle, your grandson and his friend are here.

Must be 31 because nothing rhymes with August.

Must be Cajun style.

My age? Gross!

My best hope for a donor match is with a blood relative.

My best pal. (GROANING) Ah!

My bike for his helmet, straight up.

My biographical father?

My brother told me everything.

My dark matter data was insufficient. (CROWD MURMURING)

My daughter, Penny, needs me now.

My father's name's not Harry.

My father's supposed to be getting a huge reward,

My friend here would like to visit his sweet 0l' grandma.

My husband?

My methods were sloppy.

My wizz doesn't get all sudsy like yours.

Nah! That's just a suburban legend.

Nerd! Nerd! Nerd!

Nerd! Nerd! Nerd! (CROWD MUMBLING)

Next! (CROWD LAUGHS)

Ni hao.

Nice try, Fraida,

Nice.

No idea what you're saying, Ma, but right back at you.

No offense.

No tickie, no entry. No exceptions.

No way!

No way! Really?

No way. I need booze, man.

No, but I tried ostrich once.

No, by "romantic" I meant convenient.

No, Harry, she isn't. Mmm mmm.

No, he's not.

No, I found out about her when we visited my parents.

No, it's me, Lloyd!

No, Lloyd!

No, no, that's not me.

No, not really.

No, not that.

No, not you. I meant the donor chick.

No, remember we stopped at that truck stop

No, thank you.

No, they're under my mattress. Why?

No, under the blanket. Oh.

No,I can% call back later.

No,no,no, it's okay, Siskel.

No!

No! Hey!

No! Lloyd, you are not going to marry my daughter.

No! No, I can't take it any longer!

No! No. We can't.

No! Oh, God!

No! Oh, my God!

No! This gadget is way off!

No! This is awful!

No.

No. (CHUCKLES) Like the tree.

No. I don't even know what he looks like.

No. I need a ticket to get in

No. No.

Nonstop surprises.

Nope, just us.

Not a chance.

Not even some friends to lend a hand? Mmm mmm.

Not if I see you first!

Not if we get to Penny before she reads thatspeech.

Not my mom!

Not really.

Not so great.

Not this stuff.

Notbad. I can hear you a little.

Now all we gotta do is act intelligent. We'll fit right in.

Now come on. Let's hurry this up.

Now don't drop it until you're ready, guys.

Now go away.

Now he thinks we're doctors.

Now that is hot.

Now you can pick up your Lifetime Achievement reward in person!

Now, the existence of dark matter is largely inferred

Now, who's gonna play me first?

Now!

Of course he is. He's a genius.

Of course we'll help you out.

Oh, and we brought your box. You left it at the house, you stupid idiot.

Oh, and you found Penny.

Oh, come on. You guys have had to play Funnel Nuts.

Oh, crap!

Oh, definitely. Butnotas!

Oh, don't you worry. We'll have Travis go with them.

Oh, God!

Oh, hey! How you been?

Oh, honey.

Oh, I have so many questions for you.

Oh, I should have known.

Oh, I'm giving a speech. (CHUCKLES)

Oh, it is.

Oh, it's not ours. Somebody abandoned it in front of our place.

Oh, it's not the kidney.

Oh, it's okay, Lloyd.

Oh, it's only a couple of sentences on the last day,

Oh, look at this.

Oh, look! Barbara Hershey Highway. (CHUCKLES)

Oh, me, too.

Oh, my God, that's so nice! (CHUCKLES)

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God. I never thought I'd see her again.

Oh, my gosh! No wonder no one's been calling me!

Oh, no need to apologize. That was years ago.

Oh, no, you can't tiptoe past a blindy.

Oh, no. Just that skinny fork.

Oh, no. No.

Oh, no. Someone told me this great trick about how not to get nervous

Oh, of course I wanna come, monkey,

Oh, oh, oh, oh, whoa!

Oh, okay.

Oh, okay. But we gotta be sub tull about it.

Oh, really?

Oh, that's just for insurance purposes.

Oh, that's okay. He's with me.

Oh, that's okay. I'm not very hungry, Dad.

Oh, that's okay. They got bike racks on the front of buses now.

Oh, that's sweet!

Oh, the man didn't even show up for his Nobel ceremony.

Oh, there's gonna be plenty of time for that.

Oh, those were the days.

Oh, uh...

Oh, what's in the box, honey? Mmm.

Oh, yeah, but I'm talking aboutyourrealdad.

Oh, yeah, it's just a little graze.

Oh, yeah, like a cooler of cold brewskies

Oh, yeah, sure, I know her.

Oh, yeah? Like what?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Good name.

Oh, yeah. Let's go buy some smart stuff.

Oh, Yeah'?

Oh, you should have seen the look on your face!

Oh,boy,heloves the peanut butter.

Oh!

Oh! Say it, don't spray it!

Oh! You know,

Oh! You're Harry?

Oh.

Oh. Hi, Fraida.

Oh. Uh...

Oh. We saving for you.

Oh. Yes, Dr. Pinchelow would love to go

Oh...

Okay

Okay, buddy.

Okay, Dr. Picasso, what's your definition of sex?

Okay, fine. Lloyd and I will play one on one.

Okay, let's do this.

Okay, Lloyd,

Okay, Lloyd. I'm gonna find out what time this thing starts.

Okay, okay, okay

Okay, this device will give us a visual rendering of your cognitive processes.

Okay, what is it?

Okay!

Okay? Then you put a peanut on your nose like this,

Okay. Burning daylight.

Okay. Give me some time to think.

Okay. Look way up high.

Okay. The reason I'm here is...

Okay. What if she says no?

On the Block Island Ferry.

On the radio?

On, God! Hey!

On, oh. (GROANS) on! on, oh. on.

On! Lloyd! Hi! (CHUCKUNG)

On. (CHUCKLES)

On. (GUNSHOT)

On. (SLURPS)

One of the long ones.

One of those idiots is in the building

One one one one.

One thing I don't get, though.

One,

One! No.

Ooh, that mac and cheese looks good!

Ooh.

Or a really, really skinny fork.

Or nothing. And who we fooling?

Or were you able to have the baby au snatch urel?

Or you suffocate in your own pee.

Or, we could suck it up,

Otherwise, why would he put our testicles outside our bodies

Ouch. (WHISTLES)

Our five millionjust turned into a billion.

Our time has finally come.

Our word is our bond.

Out in that parking lot? LLOYD: Yeah.

Out of my way!

Oxford, Maryland, huh?

Oyster Swallow Cove.

Pardon me for bringing this up, but I don't give a shit!

Pee Stain and I were very close friends.

Penny and my kidney. My kidney and Penny.

Penny is gonna be speaking soon. I wanna meet her!

Penny, do you have the speech I wrote for you?

PENNY: Thanks, Travis!

Penny! How's this?

Penny?

Perfect.

Perfect. Okay.

Peter is dead.

Pick cooks up a rock candy

Pick ourselves up by our bootstraps

Pick them up! All right, all right!

PINCHELOW: Adele, darling, whoever they are,

PINCHELOW: Honey, my stomach is killing me.

PINCHELOW: I must tell you, Harry,

PINCHELOW: Oh, yes. But I won't get a dime.

PINCHELOW: So sorry, honey.

Pinchelow? Did someone say Pinchelow?

PINCHELOWI Mmm.

PINCHELOWI Yeah.

Place looks smaller than I remember.

Plan? You don't need a plan! These guys are morons!

Please don't hurt Penny, Mrs. P.

Please leave a message at the beep. (BEEPS)

Positive. The kid worked at the hockey rink just past the museum.

Pretty bird.

Probably.

Professor Garabedian's KEN talk is about to begin.

Protect her?

Put the gun down, Lippincott!

Put the gun down! Freeze!

Putting a frilly, glow in the dark condom on your finger

Quick conference.

Real parents dead.

Really, Lloyd? You'd do that?

Really?

Really? How? Mmm hmm.

RECEPTIONIST: May I help you?

Relax, Har.

Relax!

Relax.

Relax. I took care of it.

Remember I told you Ice Pick had to make

Remember when we pulled up on the bike

Remember? I also know

Right after we finish playing Funnel Nuts.

Right down that hill over there.

Right on this screen.

Right.

Ringing our doorbell like that in the middle of the night?

Roger that.

Roommate?

Save my daughter.

Score.

See you later.

See, we don't want to be tied down by anything or anyone.

See?

See? I told you that hearing thing

Seen any good movies lately?

Sending it back was yours.

She can't wait to meet you.

She flew out this morning to El Paso.

She forgot the package!

She got it, all right.

She just, uh, never mentioned it.

She might not be as excited as you think, Doc.

She sent this letter right back.

She was adopted.

She was raised by this hotshot scientist.

She was rumored to be a titanic whore.

She worked at the funeral parlor where they buried Pee Stain.

She'll be so excited.

She'll think I'm an idiot.

She's 22!

She's all clean, sir.

She's at a thing called the KEN Conference in El Paso.

She's beautiful!

She's giving a speech tonight.

She's going to the KEN Conference.

She's got me on hold.

She's got Peter's eyes.

She's not gonna say no.

She's probably the one slowing him down.

She's really clamping down!

She's the fruit of your loom.

She's the one with the biggest hearing aids.

She's young and still has most of her future ahead of her.

Sheesh.

Shh. They're picking the lottery balls.

Shit!

Show a little hustle in there!

Shrub club! (LAUGHS)

Simple.

Since 1991. Remember?

Since you can't get one from Penny,

Slow it down.

So anyway, which one of you two's gonna cough up a kidney?

So how are those things working?

So how are we gonna do this?

So I've been practicing all afternoon.

So let me get this straight, Har.

So long, boys. (SCREAMS)

So much for higher education.

So that gives us...

So this is what rock bottom feels like.

So we can really get to know each other.

So what do you say? Peace?

So what do you wanna do for dinner tonight?

So what does your cookie say?

So what have you been up to, buddy boy?

So what?

So what's this serious medical problem you've been blabbing about?

So you can cross that one off your bucket list!

So you mean that you just wasted the best years of your life?

So you see,

So you wouldn't see my feet.

So you're saying we're supposed to be meeting

So, did you, uh, ever have the baby?

So, is Penny here?

So, that's a lot younger than you.

So, uh, where is she?

So, what'd she have to say?

So, where are the rocks?

So, you mean Pee Stain is the dad?

So?

Sol laid a little trap, and lo and behold, you took the bait

Some Canadian douchebags barged in before I could finish her.

Somebody stole our car and he finger bombed an old lady.

Someday, I wanna do important things, too.

Something like that's gotta be worth millions, huh?

Sorry for the confusion.

Sorry, Har.

Sorry, Harry.

Sorry, no girls allowed.

Sorry!

Sounds terrible.

Sounds yummy!

Spontaneous combustion, however, totally real.

Stainy!

Stop it! Lloyd, please,

Stop right there.

Stop yelling! (G ROANS) I'm not yelling.

STUDENT: Go ahead, Dr. Pinchelow.

STUDENT: WOW, look!

Suck me sideways.

Sure you can!

Sure!

Sure! (EXHALES)

Sure. Okay.

Sweet Jesus, look at her.

Take care of my dad, Adele.

Take care, buddy.

Take your time. it takes time.

Talk about snail mail. (CHUCKLES)

Tell her that Lloyd and her dad are looking for her.

Tell me about it. I ordered a chocolate shake.

Than right here, wiping my best friend's dookie.

Thank you, Captain Lippincott.

Thank you, Dr. Dilbeck,

Thank you, Mr. Dunne! Bye,Dad!

Thank you, Professor Garabedian.

Thank you!

Thanks a lot, lady!

Thanks, Mom.

Thanks! (BOTH CHUCKLING)

That dark matter is likely...

That Dr. Pinchelow is certainly a fascinating character.

That is a good one.

That is awesome!

That means I'm your...

That my brother was supposed to eliminate those two idiots,

That Penny's going to read at the award ceremony.

That physicists have been searching for, for years.

That rock candy run down to Maine?

That said person would be willing

That sounds expensive.

That sucks!

That thing is worth a fortune! Be careful!

That thing's really taken root!

That was a good gag, Harry.

That was awesome!

That was awkward.

That was easy!

That was my spot.

That was the night I had all that eggnog and lamb, right?

That way Harry will get to meet his daughter in person

That way we have a few extra days to ourselves,

That will make you dizzy.

That you were Penny's father?

That! (LAUGHS)

That's

That's a direct quote, from your dad.

That's a lie! Fraida never stepped foot on the Titanic!

That's all water under the fridge now, Har.

That's almost three hours away.

That's Butthole.

That's called being a parent, Lloyd.

That's commitment! Yeah.

That's enough bullshit.

That's exactly the kind of random crap we don't need!

That's fantastic!

That's good!

That's good.

That's good. Sorry.

That's how you keep a low pro.

That's insane!

That's interesting.

That's it, kid. You can do it.

That's it.

That's it. We're getting you hearing aids.

That's just an old wives' tale.

That's just...

That's not enough.

That's not exactly how it happened, Lloyd.

That's not right! (TRAVIS CHUCKLES)

That's real easy, Har.

That's ridiculously specific. Let me see that.

That's right!

That's right.

That's so hot. (CHUCKLES)

That's the only part I haven't figured out yet.

That's the single most boring sentence I ever heard.

That's true.

That's very convenient.

That's weird. Ooh!

That's where I met Fraida Felcher.

That's why he gets all the girls.

That's why I was unveiling it at the KEN Conference.

That's why we're here, remember?

The box with the billion dollar invenfloninit

The chick from Cranston?

The culmination of my life's work is in this box.

The door, buddy. Get the door.

The event will be letting out soon.

The event's been sold out for over a year, and the security is insane.

The first number is 44. The next is 2.

The flowers were blooming, the sun was shining

The fountain? On Main Street? In 10 minutes?

The guy who abandoned you when you were a little, tiny baby.

The guy who knocked her up 20 something years ago.

The horror! The horror!

The Kansas state police informed me this morning.

The KEN Conference is a symposium

The letter from Penny's birth mother,

The motor boat,

The motorcycle accident?

The nerve! Oh.

The obituary said he was survived by his parents.

The one with the kidneys.

The person who gets the most nuts wins.

The point is that there's no more hunger.

The punching bag.

The Slurpee machine in the back.

The smell of peanuts makes my weenie cold. Ooh!

The town named after the bean dip.

The windshield wipers,

The word is pronounced "subtle," Harry.

Their hearing's too good.

Then a couple years ago

Then it's done.

Then my steamed colleague is leaving with me.

Then she's not Harry's kid,

Then show us your tattoo. Mmm hmm.

Then who's her father?

Then why did your doorbells get so hard? (BOTH CHUCKLE)

There are four numbers.

There he is again.

There is always a way.

There is no Fraida Junior.

There is no one here by that horrible name.

There will be no fart games while I'm in the car, got it?

There's a person out there who cares about you so much

There's a trip down Mammary Lane.

There's a very sick man in here who's trying to rest.

There's ball hairs all over that thing.

There's got to be a, uh,

There's gotta be some around here.

There's no diamonds here!

There's no lawsuit against that.

There's waiting lists, lots and lots of forms to fill out,

These are salty. Mmm hmm.

They do that a lot.

They got a large mouth bass now that you hang it on the wall.

They must be talking about Penny!

They must be talking about the time she did the night crew

They threw me out of the house.

They were finally gonna get to meet you in person!

They were looking for them out front of the convention hall.

They're not gonna mess with a 30 pound alley cat.

They're rivers? Yeah.

They're underneath me.

They're walking her over here.

They're your parents.

Think about it.

Think of a pleasant memory from your childhood. (BEEPS)

Think of the bright side.

This beer smells funky.

This box contains one of the most important

This device will show us what he's thinking

This girl is slammin'.

This is a letter from your real mother, Fraida, that you sent back to her.

This is an unexpected treat.

This is great, Dad!

This is incredible popcorn.

This is it.

This is Lloyd, your dad's good buddy.

This is mine! You always go first!

This is ridiculous.

This is stupid, Lloyd!

This is the best game ever invented.

This is the Pinchelow residence.

This is the return address.

This isn't my handwriting.

This man is a fraud.

This microscopic robot, ornanobot

This time we're not gonna be stupid and pass up a sure thing.

Those are rivers.

Those dopes gave me a vanilla one.

Three jar a week disappear!

Three.

Tickets, please.

Time to go, Doctor. All right, buddy.

Time to go! Come on, Penny.

To detect and cure cancer.

To enjoy our inheritance.

To find her. Let's call her.

To give up a little piece of himself to save your life.

To our very distinguished judge,

To swap out a kidney?

To tell you the truth, I'm getting a little sick of it.

To the foyer for the cocktail reception.

To what do we owe the honor at this late hour, gentlemen?

Tong “me, no see.

Totally fits.

Totally worth it!

TRAVIS: For the love of God, have mercy!

TRAVIS: Hey, guys, where's the box?

TRAVIS: Nobody?

TRAVIS: Oh, hey, what the hell?

TRAVIS: So, guys, who else is helping you look for your daughter?

TRAVIS: Uh, you know what? I'm going to make a rule.

TRAVIS: Yeah. (GRUNTS)

Truth.

Try billions. BHHons?

Try these.

Turns out, the medical regs are a little more chill down there.

Two cupcakes?

Two gentlemen traveling together.

Two,

Two.

Uh huh.

Uh huh. ...you knew about Penny already?

Uh uh. I swore I'd only give this box to Penny.

Uh, Hat'?

Uh, he was delayed, so, uh, he asked me to come by

Uh, I'm sorry, Dr. Pinchelow,

Uh, no. He did not pull through.

Uh, nothing.

Uh, please stay in your seats

Uh, would you like to go into the foyer

Uh,yeah,yeah, I'm on it.

Um, I beg your pardon?

Um, I think I'm gonna need some chopsticks

Um, pleasure finally meeting you all, by the way.

Um, Titanic?

Um, where's my dad?

Um...

Unfortunately, I don't have him at the moment,

Unfortunately, no.

UP here? Keep QOing

Usually, doctors like to do this sort of thing.

Very good.

Wait a minute.

Wait a second.

Wait a second. My friend Harry here

Wait here.

Wait, are you sure that it's okay for birds to be eating Pop Rocks?

Wait, Lloyd. I think he might be hurt.

Wait, wait, wait!

Wait, when did you do that?

Wait!

Wait. Don't panic. (YOWLING)

Wanna hit Haven Brothers?

Wanted to come out for some suds.

Was a wives' tale. (CHUCKLES)

Was it a tough one? Did they have to saw you open?

Was more than just a handyman to us.

Watch my knee.

We are truly blessed.

We can go somewhere nice.

We can't go in there looking like a couple of goofballs.

We can't. We got the bike.

We could get a boat.

We don't even have social security cards.

We don't need nurses for that. I know how to do it.

We gotta get back to Providence!

We gotta pick up the pace a little bit. We want him dead

We just have to make sure that his daughter gets this box.

We just hung out a little.

We kicked your butt anyway, so we're cool with it.

We love you, Harry.

We make a better door than a window, don't we?

We may have been involved in an alien abduction, Harry.

We meant your smoking hot daughter, Fraida Junior.

We put the windows up, first one who smells a fart gets a point.

We saved two seats for you at the end of the second row.

We should pick up some sour cream and chives, just in case.

We sold them for 30 bucks to two Brazilian guys.

We thought you know.

We tried and we failed!

We were in your dad's Lincoln, right? Yeah.

We were just straightening up their broom closet.

We were just wondering if Pee Stain

We were only told that her mother was single and that she was...

We'll get the nurse to take the catheter out of me. Oh.

We'll never get another chance like this.

We'll take really good care of you now that you're here.

We're almost there. The guy told me to get off at the next exit.

We're gonna find her. Don't get that dying kidney all worked up.

We're gonna have to take a walk.

We're gonna need some wheels.

We're gonna take a very brief break.

We're in the middle of something really important.

We're just about to introduce your charming husband.

We're just gonna take a short two minute break. Thank you!

We're just looking for a backup pair.

We're learning so much about dark matter.

We're not much for boring speeches.

We're talking about the miracle of childbirth here.

Well, I don't see what choice you have.

Well, nice catching up.

Well! Hello.

Well?

What about the blue roads with the big numbers?

What about the old Stinkeroo?

What about your wives? LLOYD: Wives?

What are you doing here?

What are you doing in your undies

What are you doing, Lloyd?

What are you doing, Mrs. P?

What are you doing?

What are you doing? You shouldn't be up!

What are you talking about, Lloyd? Penny's my daughter.

What are you talking about? Okay! Fine!

What box?

What can I say?

What did they do?

What did they say in Jerry Maguire?

What do you mean "funky"?

What do you mean, "What do we do now?"

What gave it away?

What have I done?

What have I ever done for him?

What if they have already gone into the KEN conference?

What in God's name?

What is it?

What is that?

What is that? Oh, God!

What is this?

What my insensitive friend meant was,

What the fuck?

What the hell happened?

What the hell was that?

What the hell?

What was that for?

What was that? (SQUAWKING)

What were you thinking, Lloyd?

What would be nice, Lloyd?

What?

What? (SCREAMS)

What? ADELE: You gotta get back here right now.

What? Am I right?

What? Are you certain? I thought he was sick!

What? Mmm hmm.

What? No.

What? What was that? (LAUGHING)

What? Who's this Ken guy?

What? Why?

What's going on?

What's that supposed to mean?

What's that, dear?

What's that?

What's the name?

Whatever.

Whatever. Doesn't matter.

When all I know about him is that he wears hearing aids?

When her mother tried to get in touch with her,

When is this KEN thing, anyway?

When my late wife and I adopted her,

When somebody comes to your door at 3:00 a.m.,

When you see her,

When you took chicks down to Oyster Swallow Cove. (LAUGHS)

When you visited me in the nuthouse the last time...

When you walk past it, it sings Take Me to the River.

When you're giving a speech.

Where does all the extra poop go?

Where someone could do this?

Where the year's newest technologies,

Where we can all meet.

Where's the goddamn billion dollar invention?

Where's the invention?

Which one hurts, Harry? This one? Or this one? (GROANS)

While you were in the hospital.

Who I have not seen in 22 years,

Who is that?

Who made you king of the car?

Who the hell is that?

Who? Pee Stain!

Who's gonna save your life.

Who's Harry?

Who's the astronaut?

Whoa, Har. Dial it down!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Whoa! Easy, hoser!

Whoa! Wait. Where did you get that?

Whoa! Whoa!

Whoever guesses it gets to be king of the car.

Why did you name him Butthole? Oh.

Why did you play it out for 20 whole years?

Why did you tell them that?

Why didn't you just go find her in person?

Why don't we have Harry and Lloyd

Why don't you gentlemen make yourselves at home.

Why don't you roll me inside?

Why don't you tell them he's not your husband?

Why every time I ate your cooking, I was getting sicker.

Why not just stand on the rim?

Why would you say I'm yelling?

Why would you think that she's your daughter?

Why you standing in the toilet?

Why, thank you! Mmm.

Why?

Why? Because I was broke and scared.

Why? Because she's a tick younger than me? Get over it.

Why? Just because I told them I was gay.

Will there be anything else, ma'am?

With grown kidneys.

With his gorgeous wife, Gisele, by his side.

With the news that her biological father is looking for her?

With vegan barbecue sauce

With what?

With you.

WOMAN: Now, there's a real man.

Wonder? Yeah.

Wonderful. It is a high honor to meet you both.

Would you grab me a Slim Jim out of the back?

Would you like some hot tea with lemon?

Would you please tell Fraida that Harry called?

Would you really want ginger babies? Ugh.

Would you, by any chance, have time this evening

Wow, Penny. You're giving a speech?

Wow!

Wow.

Wow. Great accent, doc. Where you from?

Wow. Is that silk?

Wow. Rong time, Harry!

Wow. That's neat.

Yankos Ios pee pee.

Yeah, but he said he was gonna give it all away.

Yeah, but I bet if you pulled the weeds off the walls

Yeah, but I haven't talked to Pee Stain in a hundred years!

Yeah, but I never even knew where Fraida lived.

Yeah, but I was closer.

Yeah, but wouldn't it still have been funny if you quit after 10 years?

Yeah, but, Lloyd, she isn't your daughter either.

Yeah, cool. Let's judge shit.

Yeah, doctor of doing the laundry, maybe.

Yeah, Gran.

Yeah, head to head.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Yeah, I remember that!

Yeah, I'd love some pancakes.

Yeah, I'm kind of busy. ls there a reason you guys are here?

Yeah, my, uh, friends just went to meet her at her hotel room.

Yeah, nice try, Snow White.

Yeah, right.

Yeah, right. Since when? (BOTH LAUGH)

Yeah, that was cool.

Yeah, using this address and our superior instincts,

Yeah, well,

Yeah, well, you're doing a great job so far.

Yeah!

Yeah? You try it.

Yeah.

Yeah. (CHUCKLES)

Yeah. And did you forget about the French tickler,

Yeah. Billy in 4 C's gonna feed him.

Yeah. By the way, we're even.

Yeah. Hey, Hat'? Mmm'?

Yeah. I bet he smokes weed.

Yeah. I tracked her down through this adoption search site.

Yeah. It's all right.

Yeah. It's like you wanted to get us alone, so you could kill us

Yeah. Just left it there double chained to a tree.

Yeah. Oh! Great news. Your dad showed up for the conference.

Yeah. Sounds like he wrote the rulebook.

Yeah. Those things are rat ladders.

Yeah. Whoa!

Yep

Yes, I can hear you now.

Yes, indeed.

Yes!

Yes! And I'm your mother!

Yes.

Yes. (CHUCKLES)

Yes. But what's my PIN number again? I keep forgetting.

You adopted.

You and your little girl are gonna be having

You are a fricking genius, Lloyd!

You better come in.

You can say it, dear.

You can't feed candy to birds!

You can't get a woman pregnant by man handling her breasts.

You could actually go in the front.

You could be one of those foreign guys who always calls me up

You could have fooled us.

You did?

You don't know him.

You don't need training wheels. You can do this.

You either go home and face the music

You follow Penny, and the next chance you get, kill her.

You forgot your bike!

You gave him his space. Kids love that.

You got a new roommate?

You got it.

You gotta admit, I totally had you suckered, didn't I?

You gotta be kidding!

You gotta know when to quit!

You guys are right. (CHUCKLES)

You guys are so cool.

You guys play each other first, and then I'll play the winner.

You guys sounded busy, so we built a couch fort.

You guys wanna play "He Who Smelt it"?

You had a gah nat on you.

You have been drooling over her

You hear me, mister?

You hear that, Har? A little girl.

You heard me. Drop it!

You idiot, that is Penny's phone!

You keep an eye out for Penny.

You know what, you're right. I did have it.

You know what? Maybe I should hold on to that box.

You know, Harry,

You know, I always wondered what Penny's natural father was like.

You like that, don't you?

You look nervous.

You made it! Oh!

You mean,

You mean, under the bed?

You might wanna put a dab of Bactine on that.

You might want to step on it, Har!

You need a genital organ match.

You put it in the front of your pants like that, right?

You said 31.

You see...

You should see his apartment.

You should see the look on your face!

You sure are quiet.

You think I want wheel marks all over the rug?

You think I'm just going to hand over my invention to these 10 year olds?

You totally lost it when I yanked the wheel. (BOTH LAUGHING)

You wanna come in, Dr. P?

You wanna hear the second most annoying sound in the world?

You wanna stay because you're hot for my daughter!

You wish. Lloyd. Lloyd.

You wouldn't have a bastard child

You wrote her a letter. You must know where she lives!

You'd help me out?

You'll get it, Lloyd.

You're a military man.

You're bad!

You're boned.

You're finally getting to meet her

You're gonna be okay. What have we got?

You're gonna love him!

You're good to go.

You're in good hands here. So...

You're kidding!

You're kidding. She's on our team now?

You're killing me! Lloyd, I can't leave.

You're not gonna marry. Why not?

You're out of here. Okay!

You're out.

You're really good at that, Lloyd.

You're really here! I'm Dr. Meldmann.

You're really sweet, mister,

You're the one who sold him the motorcycle.

You're the one who told us to take the shortcut off the highway.

You're the spitting image of your mother. (CHUCKLES)

You're this close,

You're trying to swindle her out of a kidney!

You've earned them. (GIGGLING)

YOUNG HARRY: Here, Biscuit!

Your antics are proving to be disruptive.

Your father has invited me to come stay with you for a while,

Your father.

Your kidney?

Your mother got into bed with me.

Your nuts,

Yours are super tangy.

Yours smells even worse!

0h. yeah!

30! There's 30!

31. 32.

31.31,1,1,1! 2,2,2!

38, 24, 21 and 54.

6765 Elmwood.

...because they were trying to figure out the discrepancies...

...the missing piece of the puzzle

...you lose a point. And you can't smell your own farts, either.

'Got it!

'Got m (YELLING) om

"all the rest I can't remember."

"And don't be concerned about the age difference.

"because I thought it was the right thing to do.

"Dear daughter, I gave you up for adoption 18 years ago

"Do not contact again."

"Harry, I'm pregnant. Please call me."

"I hope and pray I made the correct decision.

"I'm king of the world."

"in the parking lot at Oyster Swallow Cove.

"It will all sort itself out later. You'll see!"

"Just shut up and make out.

"So, if you ever wanna get in touch, I would love to meet you.

"Thirty days have September,

"We were young and stupid, especially him."

"with the person sitted across from you."

"You had me at hello."

"You were conceived in Rhode Island on a chilly autumn night

"You will do important things in the world."

"You will have an amazing romance

"Yours smells even worse."

(AIR HISSING)

(ALARM wmuwe)

(ALL CHEERING) No way!

(ALL GASP)

(ALL GRUNT)

(ALL GRUNTING) (YELLING)

(ALL LAUGH)

(ALL LAUGHING)

(ALL SCREAMING)

(APPLAUSE)

(BABBLES)

(BABY CRYING)

(BARKING)

(BEEPS)

(BELL DINGING)

(BLOWING RASPBERRY)

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

(BLOWS RASPBERRY) Out the window!

(BLOWS)

(BLUBBERING)

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

(BOTH FARTING)

(BOTH GASP)

(BOTH GIGGLE)

(BOTH GIGGLING)

(BOTH GRUNT)

(BOTH LAUGH)

(BOTH LAUGH) Whoa!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(BOTH SCREAM)

(BOTH SCREAMING)

(BOTH SNICKERING)

(BRAKES SCREECHING)

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(BREATHING HEAVILY) What?

(CAMERA CLICKS)

(CELL PHONE BEEPS)

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

(CHOKING)

(CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES) Good thing you're loud.

(CHUCKLES) I'll be right back.

(CHUCKLES) Let's get you both to your seats.

(CHUCKLES) Oh, yeah?

(CHUCKLES) Sheesh!

(CHUCKLES) When Harry young,

(CHUCKLES) Yeah, why not?

(CHUCKLES) Yes, okay. Goodbye.

(CHUCKLING) Awesome!

(CHUCKLING) Did that come from you?

(CHUCKLING) Girlfriends.

(CHUCKLING) Good job!

(CHUCKLING) I remember that.

(CHUCKLING) Look who's talking!

(CHUCKLING) on, great!

(CHUCKLING) Ooh!

(CHUCKLING) That thing was a rocket.

(CHUCKLING) Yeah, really.

(CHUCKUNG)

(CHUCKUNG)Om Thanks,Dad.

(CLATTERS)

(CLEARS THROAT) Uh, this way, please.

(CLICKING TONGUE)

(COUGHING)

(COUGHS) Hey, fellas!

(CRACKLING)

(CROWD EXCLNMS)

(CROWD GASPS)

(CROWD GASPS) First of all, my bedspread was orange.

(CROWD GROANS DISGUSTEDLY)

(CROWD LAUGHS)

(DOOR CREAKS OPEN)

(DOORBELL DINGING RAPIDLY)

(DR. MELDMANN CHUCKLES)

(EXHALES)

(EXHALES) (HORN HONKING)

(EXHALES) If you don't let me kill them now,

(EXHALING) "I love you."

(EXPLOSION) (TIRES SCREECHING)

(FARTING NOISE) (LAUGHING)

(FARTING NOISES) (CHUCKLES)

(FOLK MUSIC PLAYING)

(GAGGING)

(GASPING)

(GASPS)

(GASPS) (CHOKES)

(GASPS) Lloyd, I'm gonna be a dad!

(GASPS) That's so weird

(GASPS) What? Yeah, Gordyjust called us.

(GIBBERING)

(GIGGLING) I think that was her gran gina.

(GROANING)

(GROANING) The side with the stamp!

(GROANS)

(GROANS) (YELLING) I swear I was gonna say that!

(GROANS) Ow! (LAUGHS)

(GROWLS)

(GRUNTING)

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS) (GROANS)

(GRUNTS) (LAUGHS)

(HARRY LAUGHING)

(HIGH PITCHED RINGING)

(HORN HONKING)

(HOWLS)

(HUFFS)

(IMITATING ENGINE REVVING) Good night, Lloyd. Good night, Harry.

(IN DEEP VOICE) I want

(IN DEEP VOICE) James Bond.

(IN MANLY VOICE) Have fun, sweetie.

(INAUDIBLE)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

(INDISTINCT YELLING)

(INHALES DEEPLY)

(INHALES)

(INHALES) Ow.

(INHALES) Wait.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING) (EXHALES)

(LAUGHING) Whoo! HARRY: I can't hear you!

(LAUGHING) Yeah, right.

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS) (SNIFFLES)

(MAKES CREAKING NOISES)

(MOANING)

(MOANS)

(MOUTHFUL) Wow!

(MUFFLED) I got you.

(MUFFLED) What the hell happened, Harry?

(MUMBLES)

(MUMBLING)

(MUNCHING)

(MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(MUTTERING) Nutcase.

(PANTING)

(PANTS)

(PARTS)

(PINCHELOW CLEARS THROAT)

(PINCHELOW LAUGHING)

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(SCOFFS)

(SCOFFS) That little hottie must have given us a fake name.

(SCOFFS) Why wouldn't we? Yeah!

(SCRATCHING)

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING) What the hell are you doing

(SHUDDERING BREATH)

(SHUSHING)

(SIGHS DEEPLY)

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS) Let's call a truce, huh?

(SIGHS) okay

(SIGHS) Yeah, I'm in. (CHUCKLES)

(SING SONG) I just saved humanity!

(SING SONG) They're blinding me with science!

(SIREN WAILING)

(SNICKERING)

(SNICKERS)

(SNIFFLES)

(SNIFFLES) I forgive you.

(SNIFFS)

(SNIFFS) EW!

(SNORING)

(SOBBING) I'm really sorry.

(SOBBING) I'm sorry, Harry.

(SOFTLY) Dressed like this?

(SOFTLY) Oyster Swallow Cove?

(SOFTLY) We better tiptoe past him.

(SPEAKING CANTONESE)

(SPITS)

(SPUTTERING)

(SQUAWKS) Speak to me, Siskel.

(SQUEAKING)

(STAMMERING) I mean, uh, is this 1111 Foothill Road?

(STAMMERING) I thought you said it was just a gift.

(STAMMERING) That dark matter is likely...

(STAMMERING) Wait a second! (CHUCKLES)

(STAMMERING) What?

(STAMMERS) Hello?

(STAMMERS) You're my...

(STATIC)

(STUTTERING)

(STUTTERS)

(TALKING)

(TIRES SQUEAL)

(TURNS OFF TV)

(URINATING)

(VOICE BREAKING) Hello? Hello?

(VOICE BREAKING) Just hang on. Don't go anywhere.

(WHIMPERING) Harry? GUARD: Let's go.

(WHISPERING)

(WHISPERING) Are you insane?

(WHISPERING) Give it to me.

(WHISPERING) Hi!

(WHISPERING) It's Dr. Pinchelow!

(WHISPERING) Shh. Don't wake him up! I know.

(WHISPERING) Tattoo.

(WHISPERING) Waita minute.

(WHISPERING) What are you doing, Har?

(WHISPERING) What? Hold on.

(WHISPERING) Whoever this is,

(WHISTLES) on!

(WHISTLING)

(YELLING)

(YELLING) Got ya!

(YELLING) Not dressed like that, you're not!

(YELLING) This is yelling!

(YELLING) You horny, old goat!

(YELLS)

(YELPS)

Dumb and Dumber To (2014)
Dumb and Dumber To, released in 2014, is a comedy film that reunites Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels as the iconic dimwitted duo, Lloyd Christmas and Harry Dunne. This hilarious sequel follows the charismatic idiots on a cross-country adventure in search of Harry's long-lost daughter. As they encounter a plethora of absurd situations, their unique brand of humor guarantees non-stop laughter. The film also features a talented supporting cast, including Rob Riggle, Laurie Holden, and Kathleen Turner. If you want to relive the comedic madness, you can play and download the sounds from Dumb and Dumber To here.
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