Trading Places (1983) Edit

A generous bank account, and employment with our company.

A quarter, just a couple of dollars.

A scientific experiment.

A toast to Billy Ray?

Absolutely, no sense rocking the boat until then.

After everything we've done for you?

Ah William, where've you been? The party's already begun.

Ah, beautiful. Listen... I can't thank you. First Moses, now this. God, Jesus...

Airborne, huh?

All accounts to be settled at the end of the day's trading, without exception.

All right, hold it right here.

All right, Randy.

All right. On your feet. Up! Let's go.

All right. One gold watch.

Always go for the throat. Buy low, sell high. Fear, that's the other guy's problem.

And a manicure. Never done a hard day's work in your life, have you?

And a very good night to you, sir.

And be quiet out there. My neighbours are asleep, they work too.

And Coleman after years of service, this betrayal.

And drive you anywhere you wish.

And during the same time,

And empty the contents of those pockets onto the table.

And for God's sake, no excitement.

And he's sitting here among us.

And his fiancee and his friends.

And I can't get in contact with my bitches.

And I don't have a pimp.

And I wondered if you could see your way clear

And it was all because of this terrible, awful n****.

And no more phoney Irish whisky.

And returning Valentine to the ghetto?

And returning Valentine to the ghetto?

And says, "How much is that Cadillac?"

And there doesn't seem to be a Clarence Beeks employed with the firm.

And this is my personal slave too.

And thrown in jail, even.

And turned him into a successful executive.

And we buy or sell their gold for them.

And what I got up here.

And you'll give me 50 at your house?

And you're talking about human nature.

And, of course, frozen, concentrated orange juice.

Anything, a quarter, a nickel, please.

Are being delivered to the Department Of Agriculture in Washington DC.

Are we talking about a wager, Randolph?

Are you kidding, it's not even New Year's Eve.

Are you trying to entrap me right here? You guys must be getting desperate.

As well as all personal holdings of Randolph and Mortimer Duke.

Beat the shit out of ten cops and had to change my whole strategy around.

Because you'll have to live with it for the rest of your life.

Beef jerky time.

Beef jerky?

Beeks, Happy New Year.

Billy Ray Valentine, Capricorn.

Billy Ray, honey. Is that you?

Boy, are you two going to be sorry. You know who I am?

Boy, that other one's getting kinda horny, ain't he?

Breeding, same as in race horses. It's in the blood.

Bubbles, man! Say, when I was growing up,

Bunch of fucking weirdos! We're going to take a little walk.

Burnt my fingers, man.

Business is business. I'll go for a walk.

But he could have killed you.

But he has money to buy drugs, right?

But if any of you ladies want to drop by my house for cocktails,

But it's cheap, it's clean and it's all mine.

But you don't care because you helped them do this to me.

But, I seem to remember we estimated its value at $50,000 for the insurance.

Buy 'em.

By myself.

By the way, food and rent are not the only things here that cost money.

Can I have everybody's attention please?

Can we do it next week?

Can you believe it? My Harvard tie. Like, oh sure, he went to Harvard.

Christmas! I'll give him a Christmas present he'll never forget.

Clarence Beeks.

Coleman is here to take care of you. He is your servant.

Coleman, could you let me in? I'm having trouble with my key.

Coleman, I've had the most absurd nightmare.

Coleman, there was more people in this room before, where 'd they go?

Coleman, would you please.

Coleman! Coleman, that's my car!

Coleman! Let me in.

Coleman? There's no Coleman here. You've made a mistake.

Come here, kiss this beautiful ape.

Come in, my child, join the party.

Come in, my child, join the party.

Come on baby, just a dime bag. I'll do all those things you like.

Come on, everybody.

Come on, Randolph, we're gonna be late.

Come on.

Come on. Get in.

Commando Airborne Tactics... Specialist Tactics Unit Battalion.

Commodities are agricultural products.

Cos I'm a karate man, all right.

Cos you're pissed at them.

Could you spare us a moment?

D'you know who you're fucking with in cell number four on the ninth floor.

Dang Gong...

Did Louis tell you what he did today?

Did you get that?

Did you get the report?

Did you hear what this man said?

Didn't I tell you, the phone in my limousine is busted

Do you have any better ideas?

Do you know who you're fucking with? Back the fuck up, back up.

Do you realise how much money he just saved us?

Do you really believe I would have a ****** run our family business, Randolph?

Do you really believe I would have a ****** run our family business, Randolph?

Do you remember me? It's Lionel Joseph.

Don't kill me, take it, please. I'm getting married.

Don't say that, Louis.

Don't try anything funny or the whore loses a kidney.

Don't worry about this, Winthorpe.

Don't worry, I'll handle this, Pookums.

Don't you, Valentine?

Drug abuse, reform school, state prisons and all that

Duke & Duke, he's busy. Can you hold please?

Duke & Duke, may I ask who's calling?

Embezzlement? I've never stolen anything in my life.

Embezzling funds, selling drugs.

Excuse me, for a moment.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Excuse me. The door was open... I'm looking for a Louis Winthorpe.

Excuse me... Sorry.

Ezra, right on time.

Feeling good, Louis.

Feeling good, Todd.

Fine, that's the way they want it.

Five dollars! Maybe I'll go to the movies...

Flowers for me?

For all I know, right at this moment he could be fondling my fiancee.

Frame you? Boy, if that isn't the pot calling the kettle black.

Frankly, Winthorpe, and I think I speak for all of us,

Freeze, slime ball.

Frozen orange juice.

Fuck him! I want trading reopened, right now.

Fuck off!

Fuck them.

Gentlemen. There is something rotten in the Heritage Club.

Get lost, you maggot.

Get me Winthorpe.

Get off your knees, Louis.

Get outta here.

Get the fuck out, man. Let's go, come on.

Get the fuck out!

Get those brokers back in here. Turn those machines back on.

Give me your hand.

Given the right surroundings and encouragement,

Glory be to God. Praise Jesus. Look at me.

Good morning, Mr Winthorpe.

Good morning, sir.

Good night, Coleman. Thanks, man.

Good night, madam. I hope you enjoyed it.

Good night, sir.

Good night, sir.

Good night, sir.

Good, William. Now, some of our clients are speculating

Good. Good work, Winthorpe.

Got a receipt?

Grow up.

Hand crafted in Switzerland and water resistant to three atmospheres.

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year.

Happy New Year.

Harrisburg Express...

Hasn't bothered me in months.

Have a drink, William. Merry Christmas.

Have you people ever heard of coasters?

He didn't think we could do it. I won.

He planted the drugs on me.

He was wearing my Harvard tie.

He'll need them to wear back to the ghetto, after I've won our bet.

He's a n****!

He's flat broke, obviously hungry.

He's getting away.

He's inside. That guy's crazy.

He's over there.

He's probably been stealing since he could crawl.

He's right, Mortimer, my God, look at it.

He's the pusher, not me.

He's under the table. Somebody go under there.

Heating oil, propane, cocoa and sugar

Hello, security... Merry Christmas.

Hello, Todd. Gents.

Hello.

Hello. I'll be making a cash withdrawal for the amount of $500.

Help!

Help! Help!

Here in New York they trade everything, gold, silver, platinum,

Here we are, William.

Here, one dollar.

Hey, baby, what's happening? How you doing?

Hey, come on. Loosen up, man.

Hey, hey, how ya doing?

Hey, hey. The Dukes are trying to corner the market.

Hey, I'm King Kong, the biggest, baddest guy in the jungle.

Hey, I'm King Kong, the biggest, baddest guy in the jungle.

Hey, look what happened to me!

Hey, man, I really don't appreciate this.

Hey, now...

Hey, Randy, Morty. This is nice, I like this.

Hey, Taxi!

Hey, that looks just like the dude that had me busted.

Hey, who is that guy, your father or something?

Hey, who is that guy, your father or something?

Hey, Winthorpe, Winthorpe.

Hey, Winthorpe. Yo, Winthorpe.

Hey! Hey!

Hey.

Hi, Louis. Merry Christmas.

His charts say that's as high as it'll go.

Ho, ho, ho!

Hold up! Hey, who's been putting out their Kools on my floor?

Hot? Do you mean to imply, stolen?

How are you doing?

How could the man I loved,

How is Penelope?

How much do you want to bet?

How much for the gun?

How stupid these scientists are!

How would you like to make a fast hundred?

How you doing Randy, what's happening?

How you doing?

Hurry up.

I ain't seen nothing since I stepped on that landmine in Vietnam.

I always say, religion's a fine thing, taken in moderation.

I am a chain belt in Kung Fu. Bruce Lee was my teacher.

I am Naga Eboko, exchange student from Cameroon.

I am not an angel dust dealer.

I anticipate penetration and acquisition at 21:00 tomorrow. Hold on.

I appreciate this. Oh, this is beautiful. I can't believe... Thank you.

I backed them up about five feet.

I beg your pardon.

I believe I'm still a member of this club.

I believe some of them have adjourned upstairs, sir.

I bet you thought I'd forgotten your Christmas bonus.

I can charge goods and services in over 86 countries around the world.

I can play Harlem Globetrotters shit with it, like Meadow Lark Lemon?

I can see! I can see!

I can think of three good reasons why you shouldn't do that, judge.

I can walk. I don't know what to say... I'll be all right. Take it easy.

I can't go to jail cos of some ass wipe.

I demand a fair hearing. At least grant me that.

I did not. You tried to grab my briefcase.

I do not drink. It is against my religion.

I do not drink. It is against my religion.

I do think we should hold off on switching them back, though.

I don't care about heredity versus environment.

I don't care what it is, smoked ham, anything, a jacket.

I don't do drugs.

I don't know what to do it's...

I don't recall a Clarence Beeks, Mr Duke.

I don't want Winthorpe back after what he's done.

I doubt you'll have need it but, there's a tranquilliser gun in the First Aid kit.

I got your poor... measly... $27...

I had to keep him under surveillance.

I had to make sure he had his payroll before I made my move.

I have been framed. You can't just leave me here.

I have no money to give you.

I have no reason to steal. I'm not a thief.

I have over $150,000 in that bank.

I have some work to finish.

I have... I have legs.

I have... Oh shit, look at this. Legs! I can walk.

I help you get back on your feet and you pay me, in cash, five figures.

I hope we're not pushing it, using Mr Beeks for this, as well as the crop report.

I just came in and caught him planting this stuff.

I just got out.

I knew you was faggots. You ain't Jacuzzying nobody.

I know what you're thinking. You seen "Porgy And Bess"?

I know, Hamlet's girlfriend. He went crazy, she killed herself.

I know.

I like the way you have the mirror and stuff.

I lost my job, I lost my house. Penelope hated me.

I lost.

I mean real scum, Randolph.

I meant to ask you about that. I went through our records,

I realise this looks completely awful but I just wanted to assure you,

I realise this whole experience must have been rather unsettling for you.

I remember we have big fun there.

I shall make the necessary arrangements.

I smell?

I still walked in like a man, so get outta my face.

I suppose you think Winthorpe... say if he were to lose his job,

I think it shows incredibly bad taste for you to embarrass us like this.

I think we paid $35,000 for it.

I think you'll enjoy it.

I think you're going to need every penny just to keep her happy.

I told you he'd understand.

I told you we shouldn't have committed everything, you asshole.

I understand how you feel but the fact remains, all this is yours.

I want a lawyer. Is there a lawyer in the house?

I want you Louis, now.

I was Agent Orange, Special Agent Orange, that was me.

I was all over the place, a lot of places.

I was Director of Cultural Events at the Haile Selassie Pavilion.

I was gonna kick his ass, but I'm a peaceful man.

I was in... Sang Bang...

I was poor and no one liked me.

I was with the Green Berets, Special Unit Battalions...

I will but you won't...

I wish my bitches would hurry up. I ain't got time to be here.

I worked real hard for this, Louis. Hope you know what you're doing.

I would have grovelled and begged for mercy.

I would now ask you

I'd like to ask you to place your left hand on the shoulder

I'd like to introduce Mr Beeks of Lyndhurst Security.

I'll bet that that man could run our company as well as Winthorpe.

I'll just have to ask Todd to take me.

I'll rip out your eyes and piss on your brain.

I'll see you at the club.

I'll take care of it, Valentine.

I'll take care of this one personally.

I'll think of you in Stockholm, when I accept the Nobel Prize.

I'm 24. I'm from a small, miserable mining town you probably never heard of.

I'm considering going long on April wheat. What do you think, Valentine?

I'm dressed as a baggage handler.

I'm glad your parents are not alive to see this.

I'm going shopping and then I'll make you a nice quiet dinner.

I'm going to be defending myself

I'm going to fight this. Someone is out to get me and I know who.

I'm gonna regret this but...

I'm hungry, man. I've got to get something more to eat.

I'm innocent. I was trying to give his briefcase back.

I'm just protecting my investment. That's all.

I'm just real tired. I'm going home.

I'm making a citizen's arrest. This man is a drug dealer.

I'm over here.

I'm permitted two calls, point me to the phone.

I'm sick and tired of hearing it. I care how much we get for our pork bellies.

I'm so happy, oh God. Look at me, this is too much.

I'm sorry you had to cancel your appointment.

I'm sorry, boys. Put the Duke brothers' seats on the exchange up for sale at once.

I'm talking about a business proposition, Louis.

I'm very sexy.

I'm waiting for you, Billy Ray.

I've got three more years on my back. I'll have enough to retire.

I've never done anything resembling this.

I've saved 42 grand and it's in T Bills earning interest.

If he lost his job and his home

If he were somehow disgraced and arrested by the police

If he's being driven around in my car, he could actually be living in my house.

If Mr Beeks does what we paid him to do,

If this place is indicative of correctional institutions in this country,

If you don't go away, I shall call the police.

If you're gonna vomit, the bathroom's downstairs.

Imagine how embarrassed I was that someone had the same costume I had!

In charge of security, Mr Clarence Beeks of Lyndhurst Security.

In fact, champagne for everybody, courtesy of Billy Ray Valentine.

In Monte Carlo, Beverly Hills, London, Paris, Rome and Gstaad.

In Philadelphia it's worth 50 bucks.

In such a situation, you have no time to think instinct takes over.

In the 208 years of the club's history.

In the pork belly market this morning.

In this country, we say, "Happy New Year".

Indeed.

Into a violently deranged, would be killer.

Is that your purse?

Is there a problem, officers?

It all sounds very...

It belongs to us.

It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened.

It was a dream. I dreamt the whole thing.

It was a joke. Your friend said it would get you off.

It was a stone groove, my man.

It was an experiment. They used us as guinea pigs, man.

It was before you joined us, Valentine.

It was close but he's going to be all right.

It was just a bad dream.

It was very painful.

It wasn't heroin, it was angel dust PCP and I never touched it.

It wasn't heroin, it was angel dust, PCP...

It'll never get that high. Let's sell now.

It's a big scientific experiment. What do I know? Anyway, they're in love.

It's a whirlpool bath sir.

It's almost New Year's Eve.

It's an opera.

It's far worse on the inside.

It's got nothing to do with environment.

It's hit rock bottom. Come on, let's buy.

It's New Year's. Let 'em have their fun.

It's not even ten o'clock, you dummy.

It's not my business, but he belongs behind bars.

It's obviously some primitive attempt to frame me.

It's ten o'clock here's Johnny.

It's that time of the month again.

It's the same guy who tried to rob the payroll, no doubt, that's him.

Its care and feeding instructions are on this bill of lading.

Ja, for sure, from Sweden.

Jacuzzi, sir?

January 2nd, is that good for you?

January crop report."

Jesus, hey!

Jesus, praise Jesus.

Just be yourself, sir.

Just give me the money.

Just teasing you.

Just what do you think you're doing?

Karate men bruise on the inside They don't show their weaknesses.

Keep the change.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Ladies, it's time for me to get home.

Less than ten minutes ago

Let me get this straight, I give you 20 for the cab,

Let me see, you would be from Austria. Am I right?

Let us worry about that, Wilson.

Let's go, Winthorpe.

Let's kick some ass.

Lionel, from the African Education Conference, right?

Listen Penelope, I swear to you, on my honour,

Listen to this.

Listen, baby, I'm sorry. My momma just came in from outta town.

Listen! Wait!

Look at them.

Look, first you throw my ass in jail.

Look, I cannot begin to tell you how much I appreciate this...

Look, it tells time simultaneously

Look, man, I got your money.

Look, this is a big misunderstanding.

Looking good, Billy Ray.

Lose it? In a couple of hours, you're going to be the richest butler that ever lived.

Louis bet me that we couldn't get rich and put you in the poorhouse.

Louis the third.

Louis, I have a big surprise for you.

Louis, Louis, that's him, the guy who paid me to talk dirty to you.

Louis, Louis. It's him. It's Valentine.

Louis, you look awful. I'm so ashamed.

Louis, you're making a scene.

Louis.

Louis.

Man, that watch is so hot, it's smokin'.

Margin call, gentlemen.

Marijuana joints, pills, Quaaludes,

Master Charge, American Express... Gold Card.

May I help you? One moment, Mr Beeks, I'll put you right through.

May I see your credit cards please?

May I suggest using a night stick, officer?

Maybe he's even taken my job.

Merry Christmas to you. I'll let myself out, Coleman. Thank you.

Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas! Thank you very much.

Merry Christmas.

Moi?

Money isn't everything, Randolph.

Money isn't everything.

Monkey, monkey? I'm a fucking gorilla you clown!

Mortimer said it was for research.

Mother always said you were greedy.

Mother wants me to call off the wedding and so does Todd.

Motherfucker?

Move it.

Mr Louis kindly shared this afternoon's excitement with me, Miss Penelope.

Mr Valentine has set the price.

My friends, as character witnesses.

My friends, that I am completely innocent.

My life savings. Try not to lose it.

Naga, Naga Eboko, from Cameroon.

Naga, Naga Eboko, from Cameroon.

New York, here we come!

Nice try, Mortimer.

No can do. I'll be having dinner with Penelope, tonight.

No more cockamamie cigar smoke.

No more goddamn jerky beef.

No problem.

No thanks, guys. I already had breakfast.

No, downstairs, man.

No, I believe I can hang out with you fellas for a while.

No, I don't think that would be enough for Winthorpe.

No, I think I have everything I want.

No, no, no. This is a Rochefoucauld, the thinnest water resistant watch in the world.

No, this man is a hundred times lower.

No.

Nobody wants to buy your drugs, Louis. Why don't you just go away?

Nobody works on Christmas Eve.

Not an ordinary thief like the man

Not at all, sir, no I...

Not for me, pal.

Not yet, almost.

Nothing can prepare you for the unbridled carnage you are about to witness.

Now he's dressing up like Santa Claus.

Now we are all here, we will have a picnic, ja?

Now, I have witnesses. This man is physically threatening me.

Now, make sure he gets plenty of rest.

Now, read your paper.

Now, wait a minute. I've never seen this money before in my life.

Now, wait just a minute. If you think I'm going to let that playboy...

Now, what are commodities?

Now, what are we going to do about taking Winthorpe back

Now, you want me to help you out, I expect a lot in return.

Now! Sell, 200 April at 142.

Of course not. Neither would I.

Of course there's something wrong with him...

Officer, I would like to press full charges.

Oh my God, I don't believe it.

Oh my God, the Dukes will corner the entire frozen orange juice market.

Oh yeah, sure, why not?

Oh, Clarence Beeks. Yes, of course.

Oh, heck. 2nd January. Can't do it.

Oh, hello Mr Duke, sir... A what?

Oh, hogwash. Exeter, Harvard he's the product of good environment.

Oh, Louis.

Oh, see I made Louis a bet here.

Oh, Winthorpe.

OJ trading opens at 9:00.

OK with me, hon. Darn nice of her too.

OK, gotcha.

OK, one male gorilla.

OK, pork belly prices have been dropping all morning.

OK, toss it over.

On assault, robbery, and resisting arrest.

Once you've had a man with no legs, you never go back.

One alligator skin wallet.

One dollar.

One gorilla, two gorillas. Big deal. Whole bunch is getting sent back to Africa.

One minute you're up half a million, the next, boom.

One of our operatives witnessed the theft.

One, the Russian wheat harvest isn't going to be as bad as people think... and two...

Ophelia, I can't tell you how good that feels.

Or beats them to it.

Or lose money, Duke & Duke get the commissions.

Orange, I like that, very good.

Patience, Mortimer. Let's see if Winthorpe's right.

Pay up, Mortimer, I've won the bet.

Payroll cheques for our employees, which require your signatures.

Penelope, do you realise where I've been since yesterday?

People like this are a menace to decent society.

People will say, "Billy Ray, you're sexy," and not understand my sexuality.

Please, anything.

Pork bellies, soybeans,

Pork bellies, which is used to make bacon,

Pork bellies! I have a hunch something exciting is going to happen

Pressure? Here it's kill or be killed. Make no friends and take no prisoners.

Price is going to keep going down.

Put that gun away at once, Winthorpe. Have you lost your mind?

Put that phone down.

Put your clothes on and get out.

Rachim, Mohammed, Larry. How are you guys doing?

Randolph, Mortimer, come in here quickly, I've finally caught him.

Randolph, Mortimer, this is outrageous. I haven't done anything wrong.

Randy, that's like Randy Jackson from the Jackson Five, right?

Really, I appreciate it. Y'alls OK now. Look at this.

Regardless, it's not the kind of business we want at First National.

Research, so he can get that top secret report, two days before it goes public.

Right outside?

Right there, he looked just like the mother...

Right there. There he is.

Right. I can't wait to see his face, when they broadcast that genuine crop report.

Roger.

Salesman says, "Why do you want that?" He says, "When I drive down the avenue...

Seize all assets of Duke & Duke Commodity Brokers,

She meant it as a compliment.

Shit!

Shut up and go to sleep.

Singularly unique, sculptured in design,

Sir?

Sit down.

So close to Thanksgiving.

So everybody's waiting for them to hit rock bottom so they can buy cheap.

So, the train will be pulling into Philadelphia soon.

So, this snail is standing in front of the Cadillac salesman, see,

Someone has to take a stand against criminals.

Something that has never raised its vile head

Something's wrong. Where's Wilson?

Sometimes, they look so human, it gives you the creeps.

Sorry about that.

Sounds to me like you guys are a couple of bookies.

Spare a poor war veteran some change? I'm on my knees for life.

Stay here.

Stealing from your friends, Louis? Heroin, Louis? Have you lost your mind?

Stop him. He has my briefcase.

Strip, before I tear you a new asshole.

Take off your clothes.

Taxis cost money, food costs money and rent costs money!

Tell me why you think the price of pork bellies is going down.

Tell you what. Forget about the $50, OK?

Thank you, Beeks.

Thank you, sir.

Thank you, you've been helpful.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you. I'd like to ask you gentlemen to all stand up.

Thanks, Doc. Merry Christmas.

Thanks! How'd you like a stump up your ass?

Thanks.

That black one must be the female.

That is correct. My butler will give you $50,

That man has moved into my house. He's stolen my job. I have to do something.

That man is a product of a poor environment.

That the price of gold will rise in the future.

That was a fake, right?

That was great, that was really great.

That's a nice purse.

That's far enough.

That's kind of you, son. A Happy New Year to you, too.

That's kind of you, son. A Happy New Year to you, too.

That's my limousine outside, why don't you take a look at it?

That's not right. How can the price be going down?

That's PCP phencyclidine. Angel dust.

That's the "quart of blood" technique. Do it, a quart of blood drops out of a body.

That's the deal and it's not subject to negotiation.

That's us, Louis.

The cold winter has apparently not effected the orange harvest.

The curtains, it's beautiful the way I've set this place up.

The Department Of Agriculture gets those estimates from all over the country.

The dude right there.

The Dukes ruined my life over a bet?

The Dukes used us as guinea pigs.

The Dukes' trader is going to be buying like crazy right from the opening.

The final payment is due on delivery, in cash.

The good news is I'm innocent.

The good part is that no matter whether our clients make money,

The important thing is that I can rely on you,

The Nobel Prize. He doesn't know the first thing about human nature.

The only thing I've got going for me, is this body, this face,

The party's over.

The people on the phones are taking orders from brokers all over the world.

The people with pork belly contracts are thinking,

The runners hand those orders to the traders in the pits.

The Secretary Of Agriculture.

The snail says, "I want a big 'S' put on each door

The Super Bowl, the World Series.

The wager has two parts something about a second party turning to crime.

Then there are other commodities like... frozen orange juice... and gold.

Then you run me some garbage about how this is my house, this is my rug

There he is. That's him. Get him.

There is a thief,

There you are.

There's going to be retribution. Oh, he's going to pay.

There's nothing wrong with him, I can prove it.

There's plenty, you know.

There's some strange shit going on here, Coleman.

These are your personal possessions.

These were here when I moved in. Put 'em on if you want.

They beat me up and stole my clothes.

They don't want to lose all their money. They are panicking right now. I can feel it.

They might as well let all the convicts out.

They weren't friends. They're a bunch of freeloaders, treating my house like a zoo.

They'll broadcast the crop report in an hour, what if...

They're panicking, screaming, "Sell, sell."

They're trading cotton over there. And that's the silver pit.

They're very musical people, aren't they?

They're waiting in the last office down the hall.

They've given this genetics fellow

Think big, think positive. Never show any sign of weakness.

Think we ought to hit him up with the tranquilliser gun?

This happens to me every week.

This is a practical joke, right, brother?

This is an outrage, I demand an investigation.

This is it. The last bastion of pure capitalism left on earth.

This is my stuff. I can do what I want with it, right?

This is my vase, Billy Ray's vase?

This is not a meal, Valentine.

This is not Shakespeare, Louis.

This is Randolph Duke. Hold that belly over a moment.

This is something else. I like it. The cabinets.

This is the sports watch of the '80s. $6,955 retail.

This is the sports watch of the '80s. $6,955 retail.

This is too much. I can't believe it.

This is too much. I could really dig this. You know why?

This man's obviously a lunatic. I'm calling security.

This place is a dump.

This time it's in a good cause.

Those bills were stolen from a coat in the cloakroom.

Those clothes and those shoes and...

Those men wanted to have sex with me.

Though, of course, gold doesn't grow on trees like oranges.

To my bedroom?

To perhaps advance me a small loan until the hearing.

To place your right hand in the coat pocket of the member to your right.

To rehabilitate culturally disadvantaged people.

To see how our lives would turn out. They made a bet.

To usher in the New Year.

Todd was right about you. I never want to see you again as long as I live.

Todd, Harry, Andrew, Philip.

Todd, what does Todd have to do with it?

Turn those machines back on.

Two tickets...

Under heavy security,

Understood?

Unless somebody stops them.

Until we get that crop report, New Year's Eve, don't you?

Until we get that crop report, New Year's Eve, don't you?

Valium, yellow ones, red ones, cocaine grinder, drug needles.

Very sordid business.

Wait a minute. There's two of them in that cage.

Wait, this is preposterous. This is insane.

Wait, what am I supposed to live on? What's going to happen to me?

We are commodities brokers, William.

We are here to try to explain to you, what it is we do here.

We are involved in a very important scientific experiment, Mortimer

We are moving! We are moving!

We are paying some of our employees an awful lot of money.

We can make it, baby. Me and you.

We can stop right now and you can walk out on us forever.

We did manage to stay in business for 47 years before your arrival.

We did manage to stay in business for 47 years before your arrival.

We founded this exchange. It's ours.

We have concluded the following...

We have other clients who are speculating that the price of gold is going to fall.

We just made an extra $347,000.

We marked three $50 bills with red X's.

We need a fourth for squash today, Louis. Are you interested?

We should have a very happy New Year.

We take turns. Sometimes it's longer, sometimes shorter. It's my turn now.

We took a perfectly useless psychopath, like Valentine,

We turned an honest, hard working man

We wait until he drives the price up?

We want a Jacuzzi, we had to fart in the tub. This is bad!

We want to help you. My brother and I run a privately funded programme,

We want you to buy as much OJ as you can, the instant trading starts.

We won't get the order in.

We'd better call your brother an ambulance.

We'd have to heap a little more misfortune on those narrow shoulders.

We'd like to supply you with a home of your own, a car,

We'll take our drinks in the living room, by the fire.

We're about to make millions of dollars in frozen orange juice

We're going to have a great life.

We're going to start you at $80,000 a year.

We're lucky to have him managing our firm.

We're ruined!

We're the ones who bailed you out.

We've done it before.

We've got to get Wilson and tell him to sell.

We've got to kill the motherfucker... We've got to kill them.

We've had complaints about con men pretending to be blind and crippled.

Well done, William. Very well done.

Well done, Winthorpe.

Well, I never had an instant of doubt in my mind, Mortimer.

Well, I'll certainly try, sir. The wedding invitations go out this week.

Well, it's your house and I work for you.

Well, maybe there's some pretzels in the bar car.

Well, what do you think, Valentine?

Well, your...

What a happy day!

What a scumbag.

What about lunch? The lobster or the cracked crab?

What are they doing here?

What are you doing?

What do they want me to do here?

What do those stupid old crop reports have to do with Mumsie's party?

What have you got for us?

What in heaven's name is going on here?

What is this shit here?

What unit?

What? You know me.

What's happening, Terry? Gimme a bottle of your best champagne.

What's my next move, man?

Wheat, which is used to make bread.

When do we sell?

When they brought you in and booked you, you was crying like a pussy.

Where is your bitches, Mr Big Time Pimp?

Where's Beeks? Where in hell is Beeks?

Which you might find in a bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich.

Who do you think it is? Terence, get the lady some champagne.

Who has been putting out their Kools on my floor?

Whose children I wanted to have and breast feed, be a heroin dealer?

Why don't you retire, sir? I'll straighten up. You've got a big day tomorrow.

Why not?

Why should we do that, Mr Valentine?

Why shouldn't we buy now, William?

Will Miss Penelope be dining with you this evening, sir?

Will rendezvous at 24:00 at the Hilton Hotel, parking level D, Section 4.

Will you be needing me any more, this evening, sir?

William, this is Coleman. He'll look after your day to day needs.

Wilson, for Christ's sake, sell.

Wilson, where are you going?

Winthorpe had the guts to stand up to yesterday.

Winthorpe is a very steady young man.

Winthorpe will sell at 76 and a quarter.

Winthorpe, don't leave. We can explain.

Winthorpe, is that you?

Winthorpe. Yo.

Winthorpe's wrong. It's topped out. I say we sell now.

With almighty God as my witness,

With his genes, you could put him anywhere and he'd come out on top.

With interest.

Wonderful news. Wonderful.

Would you like me to prepare some more hors d'oeuvres for the guests, sir?

Wrong! Quite wrong. Untrue.

Y'all beautiful, both of you are, the two of you.

Yeah, but you had the video tape recorders this afternoon.

Yeah, I like that. You know what I like most?

Yeah, it seems the best way to hurt rich people is by turning 'em into poor people.

Yeah, it was broke. So what?

Yeah, it was real hush hush.

Yeah, that's my girl, over there.

Yeah, the phone in the limo had busted. Are you ignorant?

Yeah, Winthorpe Louis III.

Yeah, yeah, I think I will...

Yeah, you'll be sorry.

Yeah? Well I don't take credit cards.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yes sir. I was wondering about this $10,000 cheque to Mr Clarence Beeks.

Yes, I'm sure a lot of people went belly up on that one.

Yes, I'm sure he'd take to crime like a fish to water.

Yes, sir.

Yes?

Yes.

Yes. Yes, she will.

Yo! Yo!

You and your Nobel Prize, you idiot.

You are the most righteous...

You beating up a man, putting him in hospital.

You bitch!

You boys don't know what you're doing, I can see that already.

You can't be soft on people like that. Take it from me, Randolph.

You can't get around the minimum wage.

You can't just shoot people with a double barrelled shotgun

You can't sell our seats. A Duke has been on this exchange since it was founded.

You don't exactly look like the type that has a butler.

You don't know that, motherfucker. Now get off my back, all right.

You don't think they give these to just anyone, do you?

You don't want to be late for your first day, sir.

You drove the shipment of anchovies.

You ever seen what this stuff does to kids?

You get 20 years for that shit.

You have a history of juvenile arrests, I presume?

You have to admit, you didn't like it yourself a bit.

You have work to do and so do I.

You idiot. Get back in there at once and sell, sell.

You know perfectly well, we don't have $394 million in cash.

You know something, Witherspoon?

You know those people?

You lying... filthy... disgusting... creep.

You may do with it whatever you wish.

You may sit.

You mean keep Valentine on, as Managing Director?

You mean keep Valentine on, as Managing Director?

You realise you're making a grave mistake.

You see, Mortimer? William has already made us a profit of $15,000.

You sleep on the couch.

You took care of him, baby.

You want me to break something else?

You was in the tank last night, braggin' on your limousine.

You were in 'Nam? So were we. Where?

You will help me get my rucksack down for the Swedish meatballs.

You will only be stealing from yourself.

You'd get me in the car, and have me arrested for stealing it.

You'd have to put him in the wrong surroundings, with the worst sort of people.

You'll all be very, very sorry.

You'll have cleared out all the suckers by then.

You'll see what a mistake all this was.

You're a dead man, Valentine.

You're a free man, Valentine.

You're a prostitute?

You're from a broken home of course?

You're looking at three to five, mandatory... Louis.

You're so brave, Louis.

You're so hot tempered, darling.

You're the motherfucker I was gonna carve.

You've been fighting, and you smell.

You've been fired from Duke & Duke. They're charging you with embezzlement.

You've been so kind to me.

You've got a nerve, showing your face here after all this time.

You've got to believe me. You must believe me.

Your friends seemed to enjoy it, I thought it was a great success.

Your kids don't go to college and you've lost your Bentley.

10:31...

99 and a half. You're not getting out of bed until it's normal.

103. That's it, you're staying in bed.

200, taken.

"La Bo heem" "La Boheme" it's an opera.

$80,000? Mmm.

100. Yeah, that was 100.

130. 200, 200.

220 taken. 209.

After you. Certainly.

Ah, there you are. I think I'm going to be sick.

Ah, William, my boy. Right on time. Come in, come in.

Beeks! Yeah, I forgot all about that guy.

Billy Ray Valentine? Yes.

Can I relieve you of those? You get a glass, I'll give you a sip.

Can we discuss this somewhere else? They tried to bend me over this...

Clear so far? Yeah.

Coleman. Sir?

Dimitri. Sir.

Does he live here? Wait here a minute, I'll be right back.

Don't I know you two guys? Step inside, nice and warm in here.

Ever make it with an ape? Harvey, haven't you had enough drink?

Excellent. I'm Randolph Duke.

Excuse me, my name is... Mr Valentine.

Excuse me, sir. What is it?

Excuse me. I'll see you later, we'll have lunch.

Excuse me. Watch out. He probably has a weapon.

Excuse me. You got it.

Five. Yeah, 200.

For how much? A dollar.

Fresh air will do me good. Lay down.

Gentlemen. Looking good, Louis.

Good morning, Mr Duke. Good morning, Mr Duke.

Good morning, Mr Duke. Morning, Mr Duke.

Good morning, Mr Winthorpe. Morning.

Goodbye, Winthorpe. Goodbye, Winthorpe.

Half of it is from me. Thank you, Mr Mortimer.

He tried to rob the payroll, Randolph. I didn't, he bumped into me.

He's doing something top secret for us. Research.

He's unemployed, Valentine. It's no excuse, Mortimer.

Help, help! What are you talking about, man?

Hey man, I'm sorry about that. Perfectly all right, it was your vase.

Hey, Coleman. Yes.

Honestly, Beeks. This is as far as we go.

Honestly, Beeks. This is as far as we go.

How come I don't see marks on you? Yeah.

How'd you make out today? How could you do this to us,

How's the ulcer, Harry? Pretty good. How's the hypertension?

I don't think he understands. Morty, I do understand.

I don't want your bag. Help! Help!

I guess the stereo's mine too? Absolutely.

I have nice taste in houses. Everything here is yours.

I'll give you 50 bucks for it. 50 bucks!

I'm afraid it's true, sir. I believe him, Louis.

I'm sure you think it is, but it isn't. Don't you remember?

I've been ordered to repossess them. What?

If you want to lose money go ahead. What are you trying to say?

If you're hustling me... Hustling you, hustling you?

It belongs to you. Yeah, I like my home. It's very nice.

It's all there, count it. I'm sure it is. Keep up the good work.

It's Christmas time. Everybody's uptight. Could we please buy now?

Just another few seconds. The market's closing.

Let's go kick some butt. Let's go.

Lobster and cracked crab for everyone. Extra prima good, Mr Coleman, sir.

Look, sit down, all right. It ain't cool being no jive turkey

Louis, I'm hurting. I just need a shot. Would you please...

May I? Get out of here.

Merry Christmas, Mr Duke. What?

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

Merry New Year. Happy New Year.

Morning, Mr Duke. Morning, Mr Duke.

Morning, Mr Winthorpe. Good morning.

Morning, Mr Winthorpe. Morning, Mr Winthorpe.

Morning, Mr Winthorpe. Morning.

Morning, Mr Winthorpe. Morning.

Mr Duke. Good morning, Mr Duke.

My own personal shit. You understand?

My younger brother, Mortimer. Hey Morty! What it is.

No dessert, sir? You have it.

No it isn't. It is.

No, I am Inga from Sweden. Sweden?

No, I'm from Sweden. Beat it.

No, sir. Not us. There's enough drunks here already.

Oh, I'm sorry. Stop thief.

Oh, Louis. It's the day the crop reports come out.

Oh, lucky you. It's not luck, Todd.

Oh, yeah? Say, have you guys been drinking?

Oh, yeah? Say, have you guys been drinking?

One cellophane bag. I've never seen that before in my life.

One dollar. Thank you, Louis.

Ophelia. Ophelia, you realise that's the name...

Perhaps, your coat, sir? Yes, this is my coat.

Put them on my personal account. That's a big mistake, man.

Right over there. That's my car.

See if this one's empty. Hey, back off.

Someone told you to do this to me? Yeah, and he paid me $100.

Stay outta here! You've got a lot of soul. I appreciate it.

Take off your clothes. Wait, I know my rights.

Tell him how you beat on the cop. Cops, plural.

Tell us how you cut him. With no knife.

Thank you, Ophelia. What are you doing?

That's right. Everything here is mine?

The Dukes gave him 10 grand. I saw 50,000 in the payroll.

The memories. All day long I could tell those stories.

The things that I... Shut up, Louis.

The usual amount. Why not?

There you are, sweet pea. Danke.

They know something. Let's get in on it.

They know something. Let's get in on it.

They're selling, Mortimer. Why, that's ridiculous.

This is my stuff? Your own property.

Those were good ones. The good old days.

Unless that crop report... God help us.

Valentine, this is very important, watch. You're going to get reamed on this one.

Well, what do you think? I like it, Randy, very nice.

What about the payroll? We've had the charges dropped.

What are you doing? You've got company.

What do you think? Can't we have both?

What? We are going to make a great couple.

What's he doing in there? He's singing, sir.

When can we expect delivery? I will be leaving DC by train.

Where is he? Beeks. Are you there, Beeks?

Whisky, all you want. I ain't falling for the same trick twice.

Who are you? I've caught him red handed.

Who are you? What do you want? Just let me in, I'm in no mood for jokes.

Who is that? Open the door, man.

Who's that? Who's there? Police!

Why not? It's assault with a deadly weapon.

William, this is your home. Right.

William... Billy Ray.

Winthorpe. Valentine.

Yeah, yeah, got 'em. 139.

Yes, I suppose so. Yeah.

You can count it, it's all there. Thank you.

You made bail. I did?

You told me you cut the dude. With these I cut him.

You want some beef jerky? No, please.

You're looking so fine, Billy Ray. Thank you very much.

...and she stepped on the ball.

...and three, judging by the jewels around your girlfriend's neck,

...consumers can expect orange juice prices to fall...

...original.

...retire.

...Winthorpe.

"And my wife won't make love to me cos I ain't got no money."

"and on top of the car, I want a big 'S' so everybody can see it."

"Expect this stagnation to continue,

"Hey, we're losing all our money and Christmas is coming.

"I want everybody to say 'Look at that S car go."'

"I won't be able to buy my son the GI Joe with the Kung Fu grip.

"Look at the S car go."

"until the Department Of Agriculture's

$50,000 to Clarence Beeks! Who the hell...