💬 Mallrats (1995)

A deeply resentful retail manager?

A difficulty in affecting a resolution …

A Jedi craves not these things.

A little jealousy residue?

A man with his hand in his pants.

A normal guy one minute, a rage of emotions the next.

A schooner is a sailboat, stupidhead.

About approximately

About that …

About the sex drive of men ages 14 to 30.

Absolutely. I'm always one for active non talking.

Act like you fucking live here.

Actually, I was just looking at this little pink number over here.

Admit it?

Adventure? Excitement?

Afraid so. This is so cool.

After everyone's asleep at night

After my 18th birthday, to avoid the moral and legal entanglements.

After that shit you pulled last night,

Afterwards.

Ah. Now you're crying patsy …

All I said was the Easter Bunny

All I'm saying is that the really good guys are few and far between.

All it took was a fat chronic blunt. These guys were lightweights.

All right, gentlemen, free your mind.

All right, guys. You have your mission …

All right, honey.

All right, I'll tell you what.

All right, I'm ready.

All right, look.

All right, so you can't scream at him, but after all he's done …

All right, tell you what. You go round the back …

All right, when's my birthday?

All right, where's Brandi? Let go of me!

All right?

All right? Hmm? We clear on that?

All right.

All right. Now, uh …

All the discomfort I can stand for a day.

Amongst other things.

Anarchy rules, dude!

And all I ever hear is water running.

And being on TV, I'd be scared as hell if I were you two.

And don't ever lose that nipple.

And even when we were at my grandmother's funeral …

And eventually we broke up.

And ever since, he's been trying to do the Jedi mind trick.

And for that I'm sorry.

And for vomiting on my shoes.

And get the hell out of here, I'll kick your ass.

And get you on tape with their backyard behind you?

And he has quite a distaste for you, I might add.

And he pumpkin bombed the hell out of the place.

And here I'm going to the fucking mall, of all places.

And how they refuse to be intimidated

And I can't see a goddamned thing!

And I realize I'm to bear most of the blame for that.

And I said, "Jesus Christ, Donald, that's what I've been doing for 30 years."

And I suppose you're here with no agenda, as per usual.

And I thought maybe we might chat.

And I use that suggestion to fuck them someplace very uncomfortable.

And I want those two guys arrested.

And I'm not gonna leave until I see this sailboat everyone keeps talking about.

And I'm sure that one day she'll be even more successful than me.

And I'm sure you did just that at least once or twice …

And I'm sure you're very good at …

And it's that kind of smarts we need, right, mopey?

And knock out the fucking pin …

And let us follow through with our plans?

And my suggestion to you is …

And no chance of making it in the real world.

And no doubt you're sweaty as hell.

And nobody ever reported this to the authorities?

And not in an upscale commercial setting?

And now you have the gall to ask me if I still want to go on vacation.

And now you're going to auction her off

And now, you and your crony here egg these media vultures …

And run over with a lawn mower.

And selling two editions of the book in varied ink chromium covers?

And show my father how wrong he is about our relationship.

And sneak out undetected in the morning?

And start working for a living …

And the grass is for outside.

And then he said:

And there's only one way to find out.

And they were celebrating a black mass.

And they're fairly open to suggestion.

And threw her off the roof.

And two strong auras produce positive results.

And violation of about 19 FCC regulations.

And walks away clean, huh!

And what's that?

And when that's gone, the stage is trashed and we go smoke a bowl.

And while I know she's generally a good girl …

And you asked me to sleep underneath the bed …

And you lay behind them really close

And you people, you get the hell out of here before I call the cops!

And you throw one arm over them?

And you watch TV while we screw.

And, dude, don't forget your helmet. Snoogins.

And, holy shit, what do we have here?

And?

Any more of our satanic rituals lately?

Any other extra body parts?

Any particular reason?

Anything outside of said designated square …

Apparently, you're both on the outs

Are we set or what? Good to go.

Are you insane? The guy looks like a date rapist!

Are you kidding?

Are you nuts?

Are you ready?

Are you watching this shit, man? It's fucked up!

As a contestant.

As a way to deal with your one big regret.

As an albatross around my daughter's neck for the rest of her life …

Ask one of the workers.

Asshole! Prick!

Asshole.

At least for the duration of this evening's show.

At the Menlo Park mall was more convincing.

Away from our friends, school, studies, everything.

Back to Brandi's.

Barking at Brandi over the phone about it.

Based on a treatment and a sample chapter.

Be fair, all right?

Beat a rain check into my stomach.

Because all the money, all the women …

Because I have nothing better to do than fuck you.

Because of its sentimental attachment.

Being a man who, uh, believes in …

Believe it or not, some people still frown on topless fortune telling.

Believe me, I might consider trying …

Beside them, not just fuck them on a gaming table.

Besides, it is really important for my father's career.

Besides, who else but you remembers shit like that?

Between the first and the last …

Big titted mermaids doing lesbian shit.

Blood bank, sperm bank, currently considering the eye bank.

Bloody savage.

Boy, look at the shine on that.

Boy, they sure seem to be in love, huh?

Brandi dumped him.

Brandi has a bright future.

Brandi, the guy hates me, for Christ's sake.

Brandi, wait!

Brandi?

Breakfast, shmeckfast. Look at the score, for God's sake.

Breakfast!

Breakfasts come and go, Rene.

Brenda? Dick!

Brodie said to give this to you.

Brodie, I'd give it all up, all of it …

Brodie, man, what's going on?

Brodie, man! Nootchy nootchies!

Brodie, Tell me about the Rene break up.

Brodie, what kills me about you is your inability to function …

Brodie!

Bruce.

Bullshit. Eateries that operate within the designated square downstairs …

But "accident" is too light a term

But aside from that, it's pretty much the same thing.

But Brandi and I are both okay. We—

But hey, it was a grant that would have enabled …

But his mother should suffer that horrific ordeal …

But I can't express myself monosyllabically enough for you to understand them all.

But I would have sent you a postcard.

But I'm alerting Mr. Svenning.

But I've prided myself on the fact …

But if we're divorced, we're gonna have to divide our mutual possessions.

But if you want to destroy the stage, we're all for that.

But it'll be a cold day in hell before you pull the wool over my eyes.

But my shallow friend isn't interested in his future,

But now that you mention it, when a girl says it's a good size …

But now you give me something even worse to think about.

But only if they were really old.

But only one of you makes it vocal.

But some parent, conditioned him …

But that would kill him.

But that's beside the point.

But they're engaged. It doesn't matter, it can't happen.

But to peddle this show to the network execs and beg for a job.

But to penalize Brandi and I, our relationship, for that …

But when we get to Florida in …

But why pay some old hag good money …

But you …

But you gotta put the other arm somewhere.

But you'll notice that follows the financial question, proving once more …

But, I mean, how would a terrorist know me?

By elbowing me in my frigging tit!

By the Drama and History Clubs.

By the tremendous odds of failure they face.

Bye bye, Easter Bunny.

Bye, baby kitties.

Calm down.

Can we do it? Please?

Can you blame them after the spectacle you made of yourself?

Can you get up? Am I still glowing?

Can you imagine anyone wanting to attack me, for Christ's sake?

Can you run interference with the lug?

Can't you explain it to him? You know it was an accident.

Capricious youth?

Chat? Mmm hmm. Yes, chat.

Chocolate covered pretzel?

CNN, Willam.

Combine your efforts.

Come back here and arrest this goon!

Come on, Brandi. What about Florida?

Come on, isn't there some other way?

Come on, people. Are we working here?

Come on, T.S., it's no big deal.

Come on, we're fucked! They're right behind us. Come on!

Come over here, okay? All right? Ready?

Come, son of Jor El! Kneel before Zod!

Cookie stand is not part of the food court.

Cool.

Copy that. By the stage.

Could be. It'll explain why he hates me so much.

Could this week get any worse?

Could we possibly go onto your property …

Could you have him removed? The show's about to start.

Couldn't be. I'm never at the mall much.

Couple of pins in the hip, I'll be good as new.

Crazy fuck thinks he'll levitate shit with his thoughts.

Cum laude, '69.

Daddy, T.S. had nothing to do with—

Daddy, what are you doing outside in a towel?

Daddy? It's me, Brandi.

Damn, anyone ever tell you you drive like the Bandit?

Damn, Silent Bob, show some heart.

Damn, that bastard's faster than Walt Flanagan's dog.

Damn, that's hot!

Damn! Would you feel that iron grip handshake!

Dark chocolate? Yeah!

Deny it all you want. I think you're too proud to admit you want her back.

Depends on it.

Did we ever get along?

Did you ever get back together with her?

Did you ever stop to think …

Did you hear that?

Did you see that shit? Do you call that romance?

Didn't anyone ever tell you not to point guns at people?

Didn't I dump your ass this morning?

Didn't I look just like Burt Reynolds?

Didn't I see you on the news?

Do I give a shit when two major comic labels are crossing over characters …

Do it, Doug!

Do you get to see Smokey fuck the Bandit?

Do you have …

Do you have any idea how powerful this thing is?

Do you remember that costume party?

Do you think her fallopian tubes can handle his sperm?

Do you want me to rub it?

Do your parents know about this?

Doctor Doom wears body armor

Does what I think it's going to do.

Doesn't mean I wasn't regretful about it.

Doing sitting alone in the middle of this monument to consumerism?

Don't be such a damn fundamentalist.

Don't forget to look for your Easter eggs on Sunday.

Don't front, Brodie. I talked to Rene's cousin this morning.

Don't get me wrong. I don't wish the kid harm …

Don't I even get to wash my hand first? Brodie!

Don't listen to him. I studied my ass off. Yeah, right.

Don't sweat it, though. He's leaving. Oh.

Don't wait.

Don't worry. I didn't let your mother see me.

Don't you think that might be a little part of the motive here?

Don't you want to spend some time alone with me?

Dude, don't encourage him.

Dude, this looks like your mom.

Dude, you're a mad chick magnet!

Dude. Don't give him any shit, all right?

Empire Entertainment recommends you do not partake …

Entitled Light Your Own Lamps.

Especially in a musical.

Even all the comic books in the world,

Even dated her once.

Even if I did meet one, I guarantee I'd use him as the basis for my comparison.

Ever slept with somebody?

Everyone a glory hound, I always say.

Everyone around here is paralyzed by fear.

Everyone sees this thing except me.

Everyone wants Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. We gotta go.

Everything is handed to you on a silver platter.

Ew, he mentioned me during sex?

Ex girlfriend. What's he doing?

Excelsior! Oh, you got that right.

Except for the moustache.

Excuse me, sir. Are you the producer of this program?

Excuse me?

Excuse me. Don't hit me.

Figure it out.

Fill this with Coke, no ice.

Fine, I'll play along.

Fine. I gotta get back to the store. Let's go.

Finish up with this tough guy back and forth?

Finishing my game.

First, you take a run at LaFours with a sock full of quarters.

Focus. That's what I was thinking.

Food poisoning.

For a minute there, I thought that we were in trouble.

For a problem.

For a week now from opening till closing

For broadcasting lewd or indecent images in a public forum …

For irony! Your average terrorist's a showman first, killer second.

For just one more day with her.

For such luxuries as ring polishing.

For supernatural chicanery coupled

For the rest of your young life, you goddamned little menace!

For what?

For what? For the mall.

Forget you ever dated Rene.

Freeze!

From the Spider Man anniversary issue.

Fuck all that shit. Come on, Silent Bob.

Fuck this.

Fuck you, fan boy!

Fuck you! What the hell was that all about?

Fucking bickety bam, the whole stage comes crashing down.

Geez!

Gentlemen, please trust me.

Get a grip, for God's sake.

Get dressed.

Get me another highball.

Get me to the goddamned hospital.

Get off my set!

Get off! Move! Here, let me help you.

Get the backdrop ready. Are those lights ready to go?

Get the hell off of him. Come on.

Get your asses up there and arrest those guys.

Go ahead, but hurry, the Easter Bunny's waiting.

Go ahead. It beats the sneaking around shit.

Go forth and wreak havoc.

Go on the other side and put the podium

God damn, I fractured my collarbone.

God! What?

Goddamn it! What is my problem?

Good buys. Great people. Earthy aromas.

Good luck with that thing.

Good luck with the comic book store.

Gov. Dalton, this is Jared Svenning …

Governor, it's a pleasure to meet you.

Governor, please.

Guard, come here. Get this guy off of my set.

Guilty. The Incredible Hulk?

Gwen, you were always cheating on him.

Had one. We just broke up.

Had some parent, I don't care which one,

Hamilton!

Has got the latest Godzilla bootlegs?

Hate to have her mad at me.

Have a great show. Okay. Bye.

Have been dating long enough for you to have slimed your way into her panties …

Have them differently than they've ever been had before?

Have you ever considered hosting your own talk show? Yeah.

He and that broad tried to kill the Governor.

He busted in on me twice while I was trying on stuff.

He can't risk losing face in front of the network execs.

He can't touch us once it starts. It's a live feed.

He figures if you pull this crossbeam out …

He just jumped the railing and knocked me down.

He just wanted to give me something that he forgot to give me a long time ago.

He read an article today comparing him to the father of James Earl Ray.

He said it was just a guy in a suit.

He says he wants to kick your ass.

He seems to be really hung up on superheroes' sex organs.

He told me that his intentions were

He tried to screw me somewhere very uncomfortable once.

He was interning at KREL and he said he heard Svenning …

He was up and at work by 9:00 this morning.

He won the science fair in eighth grade by turning his mom's vibrator …

He'd love for us not to go on that vacation, that's for sure.

He'd love to see us break up.

He's a jerk from Fashionable Male,

He's a much more suitable companion than you, any day.

He's fucking dead!

He's got a funny way of showing it,

He's got a point, man. This is live. Anything could happen.

He's harmless now. Okay?

He's here.

He's only the most feared security guard in the business, man.

He's with me.

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned for Sega.

Hell, I'm as proud of it as I am of this game show here.

Her father had sex with a goat right there in the den.

Her father!

Her mother, she left us when Brandi was only 3.

Here you are now, a legend in the field.

Here, come over here to the right. Oh!

Here, lean over here.

Hey man, I just want to tell you that I really dug what you did up there.

Hey, anything for you, babe. It's your day.

Hey, back off.

Hey, did you see LaFours out there? No.

Hey, fellas!

Hey, guys. Wait in line like everybody else.

Hey, Gwen, he didn't really mean to hit you.

Hey, I think they're trying to signal us.

Hey, I tried to teach you how to handle comics in the sixth grade, but, oh, no …

Hey, look at that couple.

Hey, man! It wasn't me!

Hey, man. Didn't I see you on CNN?

Hey, Roddy! What?

Hey, Stan! Yeah?

Hey, want a cookie? It's on me.

Hey!

Hey! Look at that ring. What is that?

Hey.

Hi.

Him?

Hmm?

Holy fuck. He'll kill him.

Holy shit!

Holy shit! Brandi dumped you.

Holy shit! If it isn't mon frère.

Holy shit! You slept with that asshole? Why?

Holy! You spoke.

How come we went out as long as we did?

How did I go from the verge of hot Floridian sex with Brandi …

How do you answer to your neighbor's charges

How do you propose I do that?

How does he explain it to his colleagues and family?

How does that junior Masters and Johnson know about my proposal?

How her father made her do the game show

How is it that you recall the most trivial events?

How long is this thing going to take?

How many are there?

How much did you smoke?

How much do I owe you? My treat.

How much longer are we gonna be in this chick store, anyway?

How old was last night's subject, if you don't mind me asking?

How so?

How well you two complemented each other …

How'd Sean find this out?

How'd you manage that?

I accept the fact that you no doubt fucked my daughter.

I also hope to come loud one day, preferably in a 69.

I assure you, tonight's program will go off without a hitch.

I attack the structure Wolvie berserk style

I believe when Mr. LaFours turns us over to the police …

I believe you have something that belongs to me.

I better not find you within 10 city blocks of her …

I blame the parents. It's the parents at blame.

I call you all the time!

I can't believe …

I can't believe I'm standing here talking to you!

I can't believe that you're still going through with this.

I can't believe you have the nerve to come to my mall and pick up guys!

I can't even find the words.

I can't guarantee she'll like you, but …

I can't thank you enough, Mr. Lee. Oh, forget it.

I couldn't risk having you screw up my career …

I cry.

I decided to set up this little ambush …

I didn't even want to do this.

I do not. Mmm.

I don't buy her power.

I don't even have a license. Just go!

I don't know how you got back in,

I don't know what came over me.

I don't know what he's so mad about.

I don't know, I think you would have.

I don't know. All the comics in the world?

I don't know. She's with somebody.

I don't like shiftless layabouts.

I don't like you.

I don't want to be here when that tape

I don't want to know.

I feel nauseous.

I felt obligated to defend myself against her accusations.

I figure you can have the odd days,

I forgot what real men were like.

I get everybody's consent before we do it.

I got a musket tangled in my girlfriend's hair, for Christ's sake.

I got two things to tell you.

I gotta split. You gonna be okay?

I guarantee he blows a load like a shotgun, right through her back.

I guess, as far as couples go.

I had a musket tangled in my girlfriend's hair.

I had blown it. I had missed my window.

I have always taken you with a grain of salt.

I have just taken the necessary precautions …

I have lined up …

I have lined up some really bright kids here.

I have no respect for people with no shopping agenda.

I have something …

I have to admit I'm shocked you didn't try to dissuade them.

I have to work completely …

I hear he's even got two kills.

I hear the Easter Bunny was accosted this morning.

I hope his pants get caught and a bloodbath ensues.

I hope so, Jared, for your sake.

I just did.

I knew it. I can't believe you.

I knew this game show thing was just a beard for an attempt to break us up.

I know exactly how he feels. Excuse me.

I know it wasn't planned.

I know it's gonna be hard to give this stuff up

I know just the place. Whatever. Let's just go.

I know we probably worried you,

I know what you mean.

I know. You're the guy from the news that kidnapped the President's daughter …

I like to pick up girls on the rebound from a disappointing relationship.

I love the retard.

I mean, half the time I'm just talking out of my ass.

I mean, I ask you …

I mean, I can't exactly ask Brandi to marry me if …

I mean, it's not like I'm going to sleep with them.

I mean, you're like all the other spoiled jerks

I must be slipping in my old age.

I need testosterone after babysitting you and your comic book collection.

I need you to wire something together for me.

I need your help. What?

I needed a 25 year old.

I never could figure out what you saw in this place.

I never farted in front of Rene, not once, all right?

I never saw a third guy.

I never would have guessed.

I prefer ritual suicide.

I probably look like my old man.

I realize that the other night didn't go very well for you.

I remember coming over for Christmas one year …

I remember when I dumped T.S.

I see you every week in this mall.

I sense a grave disturbance between you both.

I shut the camera off after the sex.

I spotted two, a male and a female.

I suddenly want something very bad to happen to you.

I tell you what. Why don't …

I think about all that and I cry …

I think about how those people are out there every day …

I think about the people that make decisions that affect our lives.

I think he bought it.

I think I felt it move.

I think I'll pass. Do me a favor.

I think it's going to be on TV.

I think she's even looking forward to it.

I thought everybody loved you at this mall.

I thought so at first.

I thought that you might be able to handle this like an adult …

I thought that you'd be down there

I thought that you'd screwed up in every way possible tonight, T.S.

I thought we weren't going through this break up, make up shit anymore.

I threw her away like a parking ticket. Ha!

I told him, "Donald …

I took you shopping all the time!

I want it toward the front.

I want the fucking Department down here now to arrest those guys.

I want to apologize for this fiasco.

I want to do girly things like fix someone's hair and get romantic phone calls.

I wanted to finish that paper on supernovas …

I was coding last night's research.

I was giving you the benefit of the doubt, T.S.

I was gonna propose to her. Where?

I was just gonna propose.

I was thinking of calling you.

I was this close to reconciliation and I blew up at her.

I was warned about you.

I was wrong about you. You're crass and retarded.

I wasn't gunning for the Governor, Brodie.

I went on with my life.

I went out with him after we dated.

I won't.

I wonder if my mother ever wore a pair like this.

I would if I actually thought for a second they could pull it off.

I would insist that the authorities lock you up …

I would've been a sexy chick.

I wouldn't be too proud of that.

I, too, now am in the framing business.

I'd cut one of my nuts in half to be on TV.

I'd like to free something.

I'd look the same if I banged anyone in that elevator,

I'd steer clear of him, if I were you.

I'll be able to see the flop sweat form on your brow.

I'll fucking take all of you on!

I'll get on her dad's show.

I'll go get a therapist for you.

I'll go home! You dragged me here!

I'll just let you finish your star gazing.

I'll never forget it. How many chances

I'll remember it when I'm fucking your girlfriend.

I'll run interference with the fourth estate.

I'll take the even days and weekends.

I'll take you from behind here.

I'll tell you, what you need is a fatty boombatty blunt.

I'm a girl, damn it!

I'm afraid not.

I'm all out. I'll meet you at the food court.

I'm Bentley Garrison, with the network.

I'm broke. I'll pay you back.

I'm convinced. She's got the gift.

I'm glad we had this little chat.

I'm going to make it my mission in life …

I'm gonna have to teach you a lesson about being demure for your man.

I'm gonna kill that son of a bitch.

I'm gonna watch you from up here.

I'm having a hard time with this.

I'm not glowing.

I'm not going anywhere until I find out why I can't get my comics.

I'm not sure I follow you, sir.

I'm on it. Wait a sec, where is that tubby bitch?

I'm only in the middle of the second and I'm winning 12 to 2.

I'm preoccupied.

I'm starting to get a mean hard on.

I'm supposed to be on it. I'm Gil Hicks.

I'm sure you were just PMSing or something.

I'm sure you're gonna love it.

I'm talking comics and you bring up chicks and romance?

I'm Tori Metzger from Hard Edition.

I'm trying to spend my lunch hour with my lady friend here.

I'm young, virile, sensitive to a woman's needs …

I've already reached my lowest.

I've always felt bad about the fact that I had to raise Brandi on my own.

I've been looking all over for you two.

I've ever known in my whole life!

I've got the game show tonight.

I've never met a person who lives in as much fear of his mother as you do.

I've no idea why.

If he gives you any shit, you have my permission to castrate him.

If he weren't so hung up on you.

If I have a glow it's because just I got laid.

If I have any of that crap …

If I remember correctly, it's titled Bore gasm:

If I remember correctly, you're a big pretzel fan.

If Lois gets a tan, the kid could kick right through her stomach.

If she's not smart enough to see him for what he is,

If there isn't anything else …

If there's anyone that can help us out …

If there's anything even remotely resembling

If this is her idea of protective,

If you don't stop gawking at me

If you have heart condition, suffer from nervous nausea …

If you stare at this poster for a few seconds, a hidden picture appears.

If you think that I'm gonna suffer any more of your shit with a smile …

If you're gonna bother me about this for the rest of the day …

If you're gonna put me on TV. Come on!

Impossible! The Easter Bunny Court is down at the other end of the mall.

In a bookstore?

In an effort to better further your own career?

In case your mother burst in, I did it.

In fact …

In fact, I haven't met one since T.S.

In fact, the two of you have so much in common …

In jail.

In my own house, probably while I was at home.

In order to do that … Mmm …

In some psycho behavioral research?

In that shit pit you call the dirt mall …

In the fortune telling activities contained within.

In the most notorious of body cavities. Sounds just like him.

Into a CD player, using chicken wire and shit.

Into doing something I have zero interest in?

Into syndication viable programming …

Into thinking they can …

Involving some bastard kid that could've been easily avoided …

Is a lecture on my love life.

Is considered an autonomous unit for mid mall snacking.

Is enhanced by Earth's yellow sun.

Is it because it's a challenge?

Is it because it's taboo?

Is Jared Svenning down there?

Is that ingenuity or what?

Is that it? We were gonna do that anyway.

Is that my jacket? Start the elevator.

Is that so?

Is there a dance number?

Is this what's known as motivated salesmanship?

Is too much.

Is yourself, my friend.

Isn't that Rene?

Isn't that right, Mr. LaFours?

Isn't this guy from Monmouth State?

It can't happen. I'll make it happen.

It doesn't have to go down like that, if we trash the thing.

It finally hit me that T.S. is a great catch.

It goes up and down.

It looks like a stage is being erected.

It makes the news easier to take.

It means frightened and weak willed. Really?

It was a costume party, T.S.

It was a stupid misunderstanding.

It was just a warm up. Please, come on?

It was the guy who runs that store Fashionable Male.

It was vice versa.

It wasn't her mother, it was her grandmother.

It'll be great practice for when we get older,

It'll give her a chance to find herself a decent guy.

It's a nice way of saying that it's small.

It's a superhero secret.

It's at my house. Take T.S.'s station wagon, parked in 2D.

It's because you brought it over to my house and left it there.

It's been like this all morning.

It's been up since two days after Christmas. I want answers.

It's called Truth or Date or something.

It's certainly why ours did.

It's clear as day! Look at it, for God's sake.

It's hard to sometimes ignore certain, uh …

It's important! The future of my relationship

It's impossible. Lois could never have Superman's baby.

It's not like she'll fuck the guy on public access.

It's not like she's in an exclusive club or anything.

It's not like we're talking quantum physics here.

It's okay, we're not armed.

It's the two guys that have even less to do than us.

Jackass.

Jerk!

Jesus Christ!

Jesus Christ! Are you back in the bathroom again?

Jesus Christ! Don't kill me!

Jesus, Brodie!

Jesus! Haven't I made it clear during the tenure of our friendship …

Jesus! I'd hate to tell you what I think about when I'm in the bathroom.

Jesus! You know, for a science major,

Jesus.

Just as you're making headway, you louse it up with this …

Just don't eyeball everyone like that.

Just go out and woo like you're supposed to and nobody gets hurt.

Just hurling themselves across the stage, I always say.

Just ignore them and go in.

Just kidding.

Just leave me alone. Please.

Just shut up!

Just to talk.

Just try playing the lottery.

Just trying to capture the '90s youth market

Keep that.

Keep up all the good work.

Kitty, kitty, kitty!

Kitty, kitty, kitty! Hey, Jay!

Knock it off!

LaFours, man. Silent Bob, he's my fucking board, man.

Last place anyone'd look for me and this tubby bitch.

Last time he had dope planted on us. What will he do this time?

Last time I saw you,

Leave it alone. What?

Leave me out of this.

Leaving me, of course, with no choice …

Let me ask you something. Did you ever fart in front of her?

Let me borrow the Shannon Hamilton tape. Why?

Let me tell you a little secret:

Let me tell you what I see … That's great!

Let's do the list. Spider Man?

Let's go, come on. Pull them down.

Let's hope there is a next time.

Like BJ and the Bear?

Like a sidewalk sale, boat show—

Like it? I framed it before you got here.

Like this.

Listen to me.

Listen to the sound of defeat in your voice.

Listen to you. Why don't you just admit it? Admit what?

Little Tricia Jones!

Look at me, look at me, you sloppy bitch!

Look at these two. $10 says they're trying to figure out …

Look who you're asking.

Look, Brandi is the past, my friend.

Look, do yourself a favor, Brodie.

Look, dude. No more shit, all right?

Look, I know you've had some time to think about the mistake you've made …

Look, the safest place for you to be right now is at the mall.

Look, we already missed Florida.

Looking for the hidden picture.

Make you feel relaxed as hell.

Make you forget how many people

Makes for shitty block parties.

Making a difference, leading big lives …

Man, go back to sleep!

Man, I don't know what you're crying about.

Man, you're giving up? You?

Marry you?

Matter of fact, last time I looked, I was way ahead.

May be ungodly and horrific.

Maybe because we're broken up for good this time.

Maybe I was deluded.

Maybe it's for the Easter Bunny pictures.

Maybe she was getting off.

Maybe we can jar it loose.

Maybe you were right this morning …

Maybe.

Me and Mason thought you were hysterical.

Me, too? Now!

Meanwhile, you yourself are left with a hand that smells like shit?

Meet me by the stage once the show starts.

Men are easily amused.

Might I add, you're absolutely stunning this evening?

Might it have to do with the fact that I've been defeated?

Might that have been the one where you banged Rick Derris on the pool table?

Miss, I appreciate the effort

Mmm hmm.

Mmm mmm … I mean, in fact …

Mmm mmm.

Mmm, that's what I see.

Mmm.

Mmm. Cherry.

Mmm. Do you polish it daily?

Mmm. Oh.

Most guys get off on it.

Motherfucker's like MacGyver. No, motherfucker's better than MacGyver!

Move!

Mr. America's Most Wanted himself.

Mr. Quint, Tom Drucker, CBS.

Mr. Quint.

Mr. Svenning has come down with a sudden case of diphtheria.

Mr. Svenning would like to have a word with you.

Mr. Svenning, I quit!

Mr. Svenning, look, I want to apologize.

Mr. Svenning, look. Whatever happened, I assure you, I didn't—

Mr. Svenning! Give me the podium!

My copy of Fletch and the remote control to my TV.

My daughter is a huge fan of your work.

My daughter is too good for you.

My God, you're right.

My God! It's a member of the History Club.

My God! You think that they're …

My grandmother always said, "Why buy the cow …

My own heartbreak and my own regrets.

Neither does any self respecting consumer.

Never mind. You go tell LaFours to call the police.

Nice sneakers.

No libido to attack?

No man, this stage over here.

No one could tell it was me.

No press'll think to look for you here. Hide in plain sight.

No way.

No wonder the bitch went down so fast.

No wonder why she walks all fucked up.

No, Brodie. That was too little, too late.

No, I don't want this here.

No, I got the lenses, T.S., but I need Slas' shaft.

No, I mean like before. Like every morning before you leave …

No, it's not from the mall.

No, like somewhere girls dread.

No, man. Just hanging with T.S.

No, the couple. They look happy.

No, there is something out there that can help ease our simultaneous double loss.

No, we're not. So you can just forget about making up.

No, Wolverine! Snicky, snicky, snoine.

No, you idiot. The fucking mall!

No, your hair's caught around the trigger here. Stop moving.

No!

No. I wouldn't miss this for the world.

No. Just curious.

No. You promised me breakfast.

Nobody calls me that.

Nobody fucks with Jared Svenning's career …

Nobody remembers shit like that?

None of your damn business. He'd kick your ass if he knew about this.

Not "a" mall, all right?

Not a news van in sight.

Not from me, from Ivannah.

Not in the least. I'm over her.

Not just yet, Pat Sajak.

Not mine.

Not Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.

Not that it's any of your concern,

Not you, asshole! The girl.

Nothing better than a couple of skimpily clad undergraduates …

Nothing to worry about. Sound test!

Now Hartford, the Whale?

Now hit him!

Now I have to start all over again.

Now if you're gonna wax intellectual about the subject …

Now there's a concept a man and his monkey.

Now you shake hands with the guy.

Now you've got it! Security!

Now, evidently, the only one that's gonna need a doctor here …

Now, what the hell is this shit?

Now, you see, Bruce …

Now, you stay out of her business and mine, understand me?

Now!

Now. Go.

Of a lone nut assassin.

Of course I am, you stupid shit.

Of course I'm hit, you asshole.

Of course it is.

Of course, the Green Goblin showed up …

Of course!

Of course.

Of loss.

Of October.

Of somebody who has to work for their breaks.

Of the most important titles in comics history … coming to my mall get by me?

Of which he does have many. Mmm.

Oh …

Oh yeah, didn't you kill the Pope or something?

Oh, 15? I thought she was 36.

Oh, a sailboat.

Oh, and, uh, my store's having a sale next weekend.

Oh, come on, man! It'll be great.

Oh, come on! No, please, no!

Oh, God! He's one of my people. It's okay.

Oh, Gwen! I'm sorry. You fucker!

Oh, I can definitely sense the problem. Here.

Oh, I don't know what to say, but thank you.

Oh, I don't know. I'm suddenly not feeling too well.

Oh, I should say so. I've lived next door to her for 19 years.

Oh, I went to look for you in your room,

Oh, it was the Vulture's soliloquy, you know,

Oh, it's not like you still wanted her.

Oh, Jesus. What's with him?

Oh, joyous.

Oh, let it go. He's under a lot of pressure.

Oh, Mr. Lee? Yeah.

Oh, Mr. Svenning …

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Is that Brodie?

Oh, my God! Rene dumped you!

Oh, my God. That kid is sitting on the escalator again!

Oh, no, Shannon did the picking up.

Oh, no! Shh. For God's sake!

Oh, now you attack my libido?

Oh, shit, I'm late. I gotta go.

Oh, shit! So much for seeing Brandi.

Oh, shithead here watched Empire and Jedi last week …

Oh, thank you, man. We owe you one. You want to hide?

Oh, that thing? I think some game show in the mall today.

Oh, that's your forte, sir. And you do it so well.

Oh, that's your girlfriend? Right there?

Oh, ye of little faith, want a cookie?

Oh, yeah, look. It's a sailboat.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yes.

Oh, you are in for something really special tonight, gentlemen.

Oh, you better tell Rene. Let him do whatever the hell he wants.

Oh, you both feel the pain … Ow!

Oh, you have a third nipple?

Oh, you said "precept," I think you meant to say …

Oh, you work at the Fashionable Male, don't you?

Oh!

Oh.

Oh. Lots of women.

Oh. Oh, oh.

Okay, Lunchbox, let's try this again.

Okay, Mr. Svenning.

Okay, then let's talk about coming up

Okay. I see you want to continue with this charade of ending our union.

On behalf of T.S.'s love life.

On public access the rest of your career.

On the contrary, I'm here for comics.

On the Universal tour. You're kidding! What part?

Once I realized you two were in the mall

Once or twice.

One day I found out she got married.

One hour? For what?

One match made here ignites the fires of romance.

One side, Red.

Only after confrontation.

Only problem is LaFours.

Only someone like Wonder Woman has a strong enough uterus to carry his kid.

Ooh.

Or an entire senior citizens' community if you believed in the principle.

Or have a family history of stress induced breakdown …

Or is it because I like to, you know …

Or make another play for Brandi.

Or perhaps more than talk.

Or sticking my hand in it.

Otherwise he's liable to kill himself.

Otherwise I will be forced to do you some very serious damage.

Otherwise, he would never have asked me.

Our little Tricia here is only 15 but, uh, somehow she's a senior.

Out of 50 entries, only two have smiley faces with lashes.

Over something stupid like getting her shot at, numbskull.

Over the bad spot in the carpet, okay?

Over there is just a guy in a suit!

Ow! Oh, no. The gun's caught in your hair.

Passing right over the arch nemesis LaFours.

Passionate, yeah.

Pendant Publishing gave me $20,000

People like us.

Perhaps.

Perps were using a shotgun.

Piss off.

Please, don't say "hit!"

Please, sir, accept my apology for my juvenile behavior.

Possessive machismo which brings everything endearing about you …

Power of the Dark Side.

Present company excluded.

Pss, pss …

Qualify as food court.

Quint …

Quint, don't be such a pussy, all right? Just go.

Ready to get sick? Tell him about the advance you got.

Really, what's that?

Really?

Really? It's the third nipple that does it.

Really? Where? By the stage.

Really? Why? What else are we gonna do?

Reasonably, shmeasonably. You should go over there and give him shit.

Regardless.

Remember my offer.

Remember, relax your eyes.

Rene told me to leave you alone, but she's fucking clueless.

Rene who?

Rene who? Whatever. Just do me a favor.

Rene! Get Jay and Silent Bob! Please!

Rene's with me now. Okay? You got that?

Right away, Governor.

Right there in the elevator?

Right? Yeah.

Ritual suicide?

Sailboat. Sailboat. Goddamn sailboat.

Satanic rituals? Oh, all the time.

Satanic what?

Say, would you like a chocolate covered pretzel?

Scrub all you like, it'll stick around for at least two days.

Sean Hartle's giving everyone the inside scoop.

See you.

See, what did she know?

See! That's what you get for fucking with me.

Sentimental attachment?

She always complained that I spent

She challenged my libido.

She could tell me I'll die in 10 minutes,

She did? All the time.

She is an extremely intelligent and capable girl.

She might as well. You're overreacting again.

She said "focus." Whatever.

She said I was too into my own world of comics and all.

She videotapes all of them. What?

She wanted me to be this typical boyfriend guy.

She was a pain in the ass.

She was going down on me at the time.

She was only 15 at the time she had her.

She wouldn't like you.

She'll be the youngest author to tackle the subject.

She's behind you now.

She's not into it in the first place.

She's not the shallow type, Brodie.

She's practically blowing him.

She's probably looking for me.

Shit, bitch! We're gonna bust out that stage like a high school kegger.

Shit, I'll take you to their property

Shit, man. You are a god!

Shit, the stories I could tell you! Really?

Shit!

Shit. That was the only part of the letter I thought was complimentary.

Shopping.

Should I call you Logan, Weapon X?

Should've left this morning. Oh, it gets worse.

Shouldn't you be in bed or something?

Shut the fuck up, man. You're making me nervous.

Shut up!

Shut up! What can I say? I was feeling very relaxed.

Silent Bob just stole the schematic of the stage from some foolish carpenter …

Since I finally mustered the good sense to send you packing.

Sir, it was an accident, I swear!

Sir, you are under arrest.

Small price to pay for the smiting of one's enemies.

Smartass ex boyfriend.

Sniper!

Snootchy bootchies, Brodie nootchies!

Snootchy bootchies!

Snootchy bootchies! Ha ha!

So good.

So I was telling T.S. here we gotta find Jay and Silent Bob.

So I'd like you to be down there front row, up center.

So she'll learn how to manage her child.

So that's why I have to sneak in here …

So Tricia sleeps with a bunch of guys as research.

So what do you say? You wanna nail T.S. or what?

So what?

So what's this all about?

So when are they going to publish this filthy little tome of yours?

So why don't you beat it?

So you can cut the theatrics.

So you created each character

So you're looking for sanctuary.

So, are you gonna stay for the show?

So, I heard you were going to propose to Brandi Svenning in some theme park.

So, in working together—

So, what's going on here?

So, Willam …

So, you made her dump me …

So.

Some kind of hidden three dimensional picture.

Some pervert wanted to see me naked so badly today …

Some sage like advice.

Somebody call security? What happened to those two?

Somebody get a medic!

Somebody said you wanted to see me?

Somebody with a brain.

Somehow I doubt it, Sega boy.

Something hard.

Something's going on here. Where's Mr. Svenning?

Sometimes, but on occasion

Son of a bitch!

Sorry, bro. Oh, no hard feelings.

Sorry, Governor.

Sorry.

Sorry. It's all right.

Sounds like his M.O.

Stan Lee is signing comics.

Stan Lee! How does something as big as the creator …

Stan Lee?

Strident.

Suitor Number Three.

Supposed to be for college kids.

Sure, man. What if you fuck up?

Sure. Why not?

Sven, you know these security types …

Svenning.

Sweet Christ, terrorists on our campus?

Sweet fucking Christ, would you knock it off?

T.S. Quint, Tricia Jones. They call her Trish the Dish.

T.S., Brodie, security guards.

T.S., I saw you on TV. I think it was on Baywatch.

T.S., it's no big deal. I mean, it's just TV.

T.S., she told you. She's just doing it as a favor to her father.

Take care.

Take it easy before I have you removed— Warned?

Take them away!

Take your hand and you stick it in your ass like this.

Talents like those I possess are not to be taken lightly.

Tell him I'll be there in a minute.

Tell him, Steve.

Tell me about the elevator.

Tell me you videotaped him saying that. No.

Tell me, Brodie. Why did you and your girlfriend break up?

Tell me, do you have a girlfriend, Brodie?

Thank Christ.

Thank you so much. I can't tell you how informative you've been.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Thanks.

That explains it.

That girl's only 15.

That guy knows no shame.

That I don't know shit?

That I look like a piece of shit or something?

That I'm working on for KREL. Mmm …

That is my junior college class ring.

That is one of your more admirably deplorable traits.

That is what you're talking about here, right?

That kid is back on the escalator again!

That maybe the relationship wasn't on firm ground to begin with?

That shows you how courteous men are.

That ski trip? That was you?

That this isn't about just what happened on the roof.

That was me beneath the armor.

That wasn't me, that was you.

That would look terrible on you.

That you could see her nipples through her burial dress,

That you play videogames and I fall asleep unfulfilled?

That you practice satanic rituals?

That'd get you on this show.

That's "concept." What?

That's a great store you got there.

That's amazing.

That's better. We're on the job.

That's criminal. That kid …

That's disgusting!

That's good. Very nice.

That's it. I'm having sex with you right here, right now.

That's kind of nice. They look happy, don't they?

That's more guys than you've slept with, dude.

That's my boy. Bye, guys. Be good.

That's remarkable.

That's sort of a harsh lesson, don't you think?

That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard.

That's the public access station, right?

That's the rumor.

That's what Ivannah said. Brandi will respond to confrontation.

That's when phase two kicks in.

That's you, isn't it?

The asshole from Fashionable Male!

The bag of contraband that he's "found" on our persons …

The both of you.

The circle is for when we have sex.

The circle with the "X" in it is for when I have an orgasm.

The community, the nation, for God's sakes.

The cookie stand counts as an eatery,

The customer's always an asshole!

The doctors who make advancements in curing diseases.

The eatery's a part of the food court.

The effort, you retard. The effort was too little, too late.

The engineer that designs skysc****rs.

The Fantastic Four. Reed Richards. Can his whole body stretch?

The food court is downstairs, the cookie stand is upstairs.

The Force is strong with this one.

The gentleman to whom you are presenting the honorarium.

The grant, that is, will go a long way …

The guy in the Easter Bunny suit kicked his ass.

The guy that maps out a plane's flight path.

The guy who punched Amanda Gross' mother after she called him "low class."

The guy's pure testosterone! He's a walking hard on, looking for a hole!

The Hulk.

The idea of that used to keep me awake at nights.

The images that you capture, whatever is going on in that room …

The Jedi mind trick!

The little house is when we do it inside

The name amongst names.

The navigator.

The network would like to buy the rights to your story …

The notion of you …

The odds. Yes.

The one they run the lottery numbers on?

The one with the girl and the one with the microphone.

The only other option is to stretch it above your head.

The only thing that saved it was this guy here.

The only way he could bang regular chicks is with a Kryptonite condom.

The other one suffers silently.

The presentation will begin in about five minutes, Governor.

The proprietor of Fashionable Male

The same. Do you know her?

The show was a piece of shit.

The smiley face is for when I go down on the guy.

The station and myself to make the leap

The trouble you had at the Governor's Ball …

The two of you …

The X Men? Now that you mention it.

Then I guarantee you see a sailboat …

Then I realized it was more than that.

There goes the lung.

There is no Easter Bunny!

There was a time when it was all about comics for me.

There was never anything good to say before.

There you go again.

There, that was romantic, right?

There's a little boy caught in the escalator!

There's a million questions I'd love to ask him.

There's a unique way of getting back in her good graces,

There's no blood. She wasn't attacked.

There's no libido to attack.

There's not a year goes by that I don't read about an escalator accident …

There's supposed to be three. Where's the third guy?

They can't substitute for that one person.

They certainly aren't acting broken up.

They don't know who LaFours is!

They gonna cancel the show?

They got lightheaded. You got that right.

They got stoned and knocked him out. He needs medical attention.

They got these new cookies at the cookie stand.

They know me here.

They only beat Vancouver once, maybe twice, in a lifetime.

They put together an impressive musical about Paul Revere …

They screw people in a very uncomfortable place.

They were characters that reflected

They'll digitally erase his organ when they air the footage.

They'll think he doesn't know how to wipe his ass properly.

They're a little melty, but, damn, are they exquisite.

They're all just waiting to tackle the next Sirhan Sirhan.

They're awesome. Here you go.

This guy already introduced me to his mother.

This guy does all this in the span of a day!

This is for Brodie.

This is illegal! You can't arrest us for nothing!

This is just a prop. I'm in the musical.

This is Roddy, Mr. Svenning's assistant.

This is Svenning's bedroom.

This is the dirt mall!

This is what is known as a precautionary measure.

This is where I draw the line.

This is where we're hiding out?

This might be the first and last time you ever see your boyfriend on stage …

This morning might have been one of those occasions.

This promises to be a lot of fun.

This sounds like a discussion much more suited …

This upscale wannabe shop on the 2nd floor.

This was an independent act of aggression.

Thus demonstrating all the key characteristics …

Tingles. Hmm?

To a screaming halt, T.S.

To an extended professional counseling session.

To conceal his own mangled form.

To describe what happened, T.S.

To do to you on a regular basis.

To fear and respect that escalator!

To fill out my research, yes.

To make a tasteful telepic.

To Man of Steel coital debates with you in the food court?

To Obi Wan about her video set up.

To penetrate my ex girlfriend …

To remove …

To stand up to your father. Maybe I don't.

To the theme from Mighty Mouse, I said okay.

To their goals and noble causes.

Today's my day. I brought a lunch and a soda …

Tonight I've got Melrose at 9:00.

Too bad I'm not trying to marry you.

Too little?

Too much time with my own comics.

Touch not, lest ye be touched.

Towards funding the new programming

Trespassing, public lewdness, FCC violation.

Tricia's compiling data for this book she's writing …

Try to contain yourself.

Trying to secure the best seat in the house.

Twenty five.

Uh …

Uh, no. Well, yes …

Uh, thanks. Listen,

Um …

Um, I have to go to the bathroom. Wait here, okay?

Under arrest, they need help! Go!

Understand me? You don't.

Understanding is reached …

Unfettered.

Unlike my ex boyfriend, who would sleep until 1:00 …

Unlike you, I didn't even get a letter filled with obscure adjectives.

Until I get what I'm looking for from this latest dalliance …

Updating my calendar and waiting for Jay and Silent Bob.

Urges.

Very haunting. Let's go.

Very sexy. That sounded convincing.

Vulcan nerve pinch? That was close.

Wait a minute, isn't that …

Wait a minute, you're not suggesting—

Wait a minute. I thought tonight

Wait a second, aren't you two supposed to go to Florida?

Wait here. Where are you going?

Wait, there's only two.

Was the Governor hit?

Waste not, want not.

Waste of time, if you ask me.

We can stop at Brandi's, right? Yeah.

We can stop off at Brandi's if that'll make you feel better.

We could be spending this time alone together.

We gotta go.

We just had something crash through the wall.

We lose them?

We need you to embark on a little sabotage mission

We never really tackled stuff like that in the old days.

We slept together one time, remember, in high school?

We tie you to the roof, you jump and sail like a Spitfire …

We were supposed to, you know …

We were thinking about something simple …

We'll be blame free and Brandi won't be able to do the show.

We'll be ready in five, Mr. Svenning.

We'll have to take a pass on the stage trashing business …

We'll pay more money and we'll get Drew Barrymore to play your girlfriend.

We're both healthy and strapping young men.

We're hiding.

We're hoping to get an interview with Brandi Svenning.

We're just gonna outwit LaFours, X Men style.

We're over, T.S. Oh, come on!

We're taking their place. I'm T.S. Quint. This is Brodie Bruce.

Well, all right, Bryce.

Well, good talking to you.

Well, her mother was a little immature.

Well, I can't go.

Well, I gotta get home.

Well, I guess I credited you with too much.

Well, I like that sort of thing.

Well, that's something you're gonna have to figure out for yourself …

Well, there's dinner, followed by the presentation.

Well, until this morning.

Well, we, uh, air more than just lottery numbers.

Well, well, well, if it isn't my neighbor.

What a relief. I do so much better

What about her womb?

What about that stink palm back there? He even licked his hand.

What am I going to fucking do? Point him out.

What am I, 5 years old?

What are you doing on my property, huh? Get out of here!

What are you doing out here? Who are you people?

What are you doing, Willam?

What are you doing?

What are you gonna do? Get some answers.

What are you talking about?

What are you telling me here?

What are you writing in the calendar?

What are you, crazy?

What can I say?

What can I say? I love tits.

What can I say? She doesn't like you.

What did he say? I think he said they were Syrians.

What do you care?

What do you do for money, anyway?

What do you do in there all the time?

What do you do in there?

What do you mean, "And"? That's like a metaphor for our whole relationship.

What do you need his for? You got your own.

What do you think? I don't trust it.

What does that mean, "Good luck with the comic book store"?

What for?

What gives?

What happened to those two?

What he's doing is imitating Wolverine's berserker attack with his Adamantium claws.

What in Christ's name took you guys so long?

What is it? It's this cheesy Dating Game rip off thing.

What is this monstrosity?

What is this shit? Everyone's looking for us today.

What is with you today?

What is your problem? I don't understand.

What kind of man are you, anyway?

What kind of people patronize this service?

What kind of story did you give him?

What really happened?

What the fuck are you talking about?

What the fuck is going on up there?

What the fuck?

What the hell am I supposed to do?

What the hell are you doing?

What the hell are you talking about?

What the hell gives with the cover boy?

What the hell happened to him?

What the hell happened to these two?

What the hell happened to those guys?

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

What the hell is this?

What the hell is this? What's going on here?

What the hell is wrong with me?

What the hell's going on here?

What the hell's your problem, anyway?

What the shit are we gonna do?

What was it like to date her?

What were you trying to do, anyway? Impress Jodie Foster?

What with the comic book code and all.

What women really look for.

What you just did to me here tonight …

What, like the back of a Volkswagen?

What, so he forbid you to go to Florida when you said no, is that it?

What, the bras?

What, you live in a fucking cave? The man is in there.

What, you waited till now to tell me this?

What, you want to say something?

What?

What? Do you know that kid or something?

What? Him and Brodie.

What's a pretty girl like you …

What's he doing?

What's palm reading have to do with being topless?

What's that mean? You had to be there. Just keep reading.

What's that?

What's the point?

What's up, boys? You guys on this show?

What's with that? That's the second time

Whatever it is you do …

Whatever.

Whatever. Can't we just forget about it?

When are men going to learn that women want romance?

When I don't have to say things in character.

When I'm relaxed, I squirt.

When Jaws pops out of the water.

When Peter Parker and Gwen Stacy went lingerie shopping.

When the hell do I get to see the goddamn sailboat?

When there's any special function

When Tricia shows up with the videotape,

When two such highly reputable mischief makers as yourselves …

When was the last time you pulled out my chair or told me I was beautiful?

When you said if something stupid could change how she feels …

Where do you get those wonderful toys?

Where the hell are these two going in such a hurry?

Where the hell did that come from? What's going on here?

Where we went wrong with our significant others?

Where? Ah, these are melting.

Where's Brandi?

Which, by the way, has enormous effect on your libido.

While still laying close to her.

While we're on the subject, why the hell do you want to get married now, anyway?

Who is this imaginary hatchet man?

Who the fuck is the man?

Who'll kill who?

Who's in there?

Who's Ivannah?

Who's LaFours?

Who's this asshole?

Who's worried? Are you kidding me?

Why are we sitting here trying to figure out …

Why are you fighting me?

Why are you stuck here in this dirt mall

Why can't he just leave us alone

Why can't they bring back or remake good shows …

Why do you have to do everything that he tells you to do?

Why don't I meet you back here around show time?

Why him? Silent Bob's an electrical genius.

Why is he dressed like a Revolutionary War minuteman?

Why not freshen up a bit?

Why not? It's bound to come up.

Why the hell are you glowing?

Why the hell not, man? This shit is dope.

Will give them more than enough reason to keep us locked up.

Will you get off me?

Willam! Poopie trim.

Willam.

With a schedule for visitation rights.

With a staple of '70s television.

With everyone watching, no less.

With peers and company that apply …

With sagging, wrinkled, weathered boobs?

With that thing? You'll never see me.

With what?

With you and the Sperminator out there.

With your respective steadies.

Women, always leaving you when you've just had the crap kicked out of you.

Work with me, people, would you please?

Works every time.

Would you be interested in partaking

Would you get it out? I'm trying.

Would you get off me? I've got work to do. Oh, I don't mind.

Would you guys shut up?

Would you happen to know what this stage business is all about?

Would you just get it off? It hurts.

Would you like to have dinner at my house and meet my mother?

Would you stop saying that?

Would you testosterone seething, He Man comic book fans …

Wow, a sailboat!

Wow, look at all those smiley faces without eyelashes.

Wow, she calls you callow in here.

Wow, that's a pretty elaborate log you got there.

Wow! Look at this laundry list of complaints.

Wow. A sailboat.

Yeah, but you won't be able to hear me sing.

Yeah, I was gonna ask her to marry me when we got to Florida.

Yeah, that's the girl who took a shot at the Governor.

Yeah, the girl that got away.

Yeah, well, you're lucky.

Yeah! Bad ass! Yeah!

Yeah?

Yeah? So?

Yeah? What's that?

Yeah. It also says I have no dick.

Yeah. This is Popular Girl.

Yes, Brodie, I've slept beside many people.

Yes, I did.

Yes, it is. All right, Quint.

Yes, you do.

Yes! Whoo!

Yes?

You and your

You and your sidekick here from the premises, permanently.

You are just as thoughtless and possessive as he is.

You are out of her life.

You been watching my family conduct

You belong on TV.

You both have very strong auras …

You both see me as property.

You call eating pizza in the same dive pizzeria every night eating out?

You called down the thunder,

You can be really fucking stupid sometimes.

You can dispense with the ass munching.

You can have him if you want him.

You can stare at it. I don't mind.

You can talk to her, maybe patch this thing up.

You can't do this!

You clock him on his headpiece and knock his ass out cold.

You could be raking in the dough with your kind of accuracy.

You could double check me, if you like.

You cry? I cry.

You didn't say no?

You do. You're glowing.

You don't come here to work or shop, you hang out all day.

You don't have to say anything at all.

You dumb bastard! It's not a schooner, it's a sailboat.

You expect me to pay for this?

You face forward, or you face the possibility of shock and damage.

You fucked Rick Derris on a pool table!

You fucker!

You fuckers think just 'cause a guy reads comics he can't start some shit?

You get it to Silent Bob, understand?

You get your ass off my property now! Go!

You give me $58.60.

You got it? Now, get your fat ass out there!

You got my back? Your back is got.

You got to ask me nicely.

You gotta relax your eyes.

You had a slew of women since her, right?

You had cable.

You have just humiliated me in front of the entire school …

You have my Punisher War Journal #6 …

You have no idea what you just cost me here today. Mmm!

You have this new glow about you. I don't have a glow.

You have to try them, they're awesome.

You heard? How?

You hit me like some goddamn wrestler.

You hit the bathroom already?

You insatiable slut!

You insult me with that good cop bad cop routine …

You keep reading 'em, I'll keep writing 'em.

You kidding? I'm trying to marry his daughter.

You kidding? That's Hard Edition. That's tabloid TV.

You know about this game show thing they've got going on here?

You know how when someone lays with their back to you …

You know what you need?

You know what, as a matter of fact, I'm not. I'm going home.

You know what, this is all your fault this happened anyway.

You know what? I'm feeling a little less frazzled …

You know where they air those results.

You know who I am?

You know, Bruce, once you eventually get a job …

You know, I think you ought to get him some help.

You know, it couldn't have been that strong if she breaks up with you …

You know, it reminds me of an issue of Spider Man I did.

You know, Quint …

You know, uh …

You know, with an imagination like yours …

You look like you're gonna live to me.

You looking at naked guys in the shower again?

You make her call you "Jay." Snootchy bootchies.

You may have my daughter snowed …

You mean that Dating Game rip off thing?

You might as well.

You need Slas' shaft, huh?

You needed this. Who the fuck is in there?

You paid, I should tell you something.

You picked a dangerous mall to host a game show in.

You put the podium down over here …

You really love that girl. Yeah, right.

You really want to know?

You said it was a good size.

You saw it, too? Dammit!

You say that like it's bad.

You seriously damaged my father's career …

You should come by. I'll cut you a nice deal on a suit.

You should have heard the stuff he wanted to do.

You should just go date each other.

You should see yourself right now.

You should still kind of stick it to him.

You slept with 50 guys?

You stamp the carpet down with your feet. You speak English?

You stay here. I gotta hit the bathroom.

You still got that stage schematic?

You stink palm him. Stink palm?

You then swing up to the stage and knock out the pin.

You think that that's why Rene dumped you?

You think the promise of a cookie is gonna lure me …

You took me where you went shopping, jerk!

You trashed my fiscal year …

You used to be a stand up kind of guy. What happened to that guy?

You used to like tits, too.

You want I should tell my mother what we do in here at night?

You want money for your pissant station.

You want to put me on TV?

You wanted to play Little League instead.

You were on CNN taking shots at public officials.

You will never, ever be with her.

You, on the other hand, have absolutely no ambition.

You, unlike me, would beat up somebody's grandmother …

You! All right.

You'd listen to me? To something I said?

You'll beat the odds.

You'll thank me later.

You're a clever one. I can get someone to do it for us.

You're a homosexual.

You're barely breathing. Was Rene involved in any of this?

You're breaking my concentration. Sorry, Willam.

You're dumping me?

You're fired. You get the hell out of here.

You're fucking kidding? The Easter Bunny did this?

You're fucking next, man. Jesus, Brodie!

You're getting your check.

You're gonna be hosting the Lotto drawing

You're gonna realize that there's not enough time in the day …

You're gonna what?

You're in there for like a half an hour

You're just gonna leave with him in this condition?

You're never gonna believe who I just met.

You're not in there touching yourself, are you?

You're nothing but a lot of talk and a badge.

You're one of these fucking loser mallrat kids.

You're really making that last.

You're responsible for the greats.

You're scared you may want to follow my lead and win Rene back!

You're still in college.

You're such an anal retentive bastard.

You're such an idiot.

You're supposed to be the impetuous one, not me.

You're sure you saw her get on, right?

You're using that as an excuse 'cause you don't have the guts …

You've been known to let a nugget of truth slip out.

You've been walking all day and you're also nervous

You've come for a glimpse at your future?

You've commented on couples in love.

You've given me enough for one day, thanks.

You've never even introduced me to her, Brodie.

Your check.

Your friends and family watching.

Your maleness amazes me sometimes.

9:30.

460 collars, all convicted.

All right, who's next? It's hot in this goddamn suit!

Hey, Walt! Brodie!

Really? Come on!

'cause he played Sega and watched videos all night long!

"concept." Listen to me, you little prick, you.

"F" him! Where do you want to go first?

"Hey, Mr. Svenning. How've you been?"

"I have to attend. It's my ball."

"Love Be a Vulture Tonight." Yeah.

"one good turn deserves another"…

"Rene, my mom's asleep. Come over." You call that romantic?

"Sega boy." God, Rene's got a big mouth!

"The customer's always right"?

"The lodge only throws their ball once every decade.

"The" mall. Show some respect.

"Understanding is reached only after confrontation."

"We're all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars."

"when you get the sex for free?"

"Why can't you ever attend my balls?"

"Suitor Number Two" sounds like a bathroom code, you know?

a big welcome for the lovely Brandi Svenning.

a firm handshake, or a jackhammer?

A nice welcome for Gil Hicks.

a series of questions of our suitors …

A Study of the '90s Male's Sexual Prowess.

A tough one, though. What does one gauge his response on?

Absolutely, Bob.

All right, everybody knows how the game is played.

All the passengers take a cue from him,

And as he comes up here to …

and be true to yourself and not give up on someone you know has value.

and do what you're supposed to!

and everyone puts their pieces, or whatever, away and deboard.

and faced the odds to get up here and give it his best shot.

and made his intentions clear.

and make her decision based on their answers.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce our lovely suitor ette.

and screw things up further, proving …

and starts beating it right there.

and then we could slow dance till the sun came up.

And then we'd do a little lunch,

And then you had to show up with Bumbler the Boy Wonder over there …

and tonight we'll watch as one of our three lucky suitors …

Anything goes!

as we introduce the suitors!

Ask her, you silly bastard!

away from our family, school.

Boy Wonder? I'm all man, lady!

Brandi, are you ready?

But what does he do instead? He just goes on with his life.

But you complicated my life.

Call me Joey.

Can't be comfortable with his own sexuality.

Can't you call me the Second Suitor?

Cherchez la femme.

Definitely a jackhammer.

Did he come or what?

Do I get a chance to field any more questions?

Excuse me?

First I'd take you shopping to the stores you'd want to shop in.

followed by some golfing.

Forget about the shit that happened

From Monmouth State, where she majors

has always loved you, and will always love you.

He brought his troublemaker friend over to my house …

He could have apologized for all the problems that he caused.

He could have approached my father, man to man …

He decides it's all over, whips it out

He got me implicated in an attempted murder.

He got us shot at by the Federal authorities.

He lacked a sense of romance.

he pulled his shit together, risked life and limb …

He was on a plane to New Mexico,

He's only got one question that he'd like to ask.

Hey, Suitor ette, this guy's a homophobe.

Hey, what about me? Gil, just shut the fuck up!

Hey, what about the rest of us?

Holy shit!

Hopefully not Rush Limbaugh, over here.

How easily do you quit? Say you wind up with one of us.

How so?

How strong are your convictions?

How's your comic book collection, Brodie?

I already did once today.

I didn't kiss any guy backstage, I swear. I'm not gay.

I don't collect comics. Comics are for kids!

I don't know who he was, but he seemed unimpressed.

I don't know. The usual baggage.

I don't think I should answer that.

I knew it.

I know both of you pretty well. Suitor ette …

I mean here he is. He's hanging out at a mall.

I mean, look at you, you're the kind of guy that would beg for sex.

I mean, were you unhappy?

I propose you stop letting your father run your life …

I said now, Silent Bob!

I should know, we can smell our own.

I think it's safe to say, we've made our match.

I think the audience would agree with me there.

I was ready to show a little backbone.

I was.

I'll propose to you right now.

I'm in there with some pressure, and when I'm done …

I'm not like Rush Limbaugh!

I'm tired of this whole thing!

I've never done anything but show interest in you.

If I have a conviction, I stick to it.

If we fell in love, how would you propose to me?

If we were …

If we were making whoopee—

If we were, you know, what kind of noises would you make?

If you were a car, what kind of car would you be?

if you were a comic book character, what character would you be?

in Astronomy and Earth Sciences …

in front of a live studio audience.

is a pillar of the shopping community …

Is your kiss like a soft breeze …

It just didn't work out.

Jazzercise? Why does your mother have an aerobics tape in her car?

Jesus Christ, Gil!

Ladies and gentlemen, get ready for romance in the making …

Ladies and gentlemen, this tall drink of water headed my way …

Let's try to wrap this up, all right? I promised her breakfast.

Like I belong on the grassy knoll.

Like your conscience, maybe?

Look, I think I should say something here.

May the best man win.

Miss Suitor ette …

Miss Suitor ette, how about you answer a question for me?

No, but you sure do. I thought you were in love.

No, I think that's kind of personal.

No!

No.

Nobody mentions the phenomenon to anyone else.

Now make with the questions.

Now, Silent Bob!

Now, the Second Suitor …

Oh, comics! What are you talking about?

Oh, it's going good. But, I mean—

Oh, yeah. Don't make me get loose. I think that's it.

Okay.

or whatever that word is. He hates it when you leave them on.

Our final suitor goes to Rutgers …

Our lovely suitor ette will ask

Our whole goddamn romantic career I doted on you.

Physical prowess? Keen detection skills?

probably at the Cheese Haus …

Richard Dawson, go back to your podium

Say hi to Doug Paging.

Say hi to Rob Feature.

Second Suitor …

Second Suitor.

She throws in the towel because her daddy says so.

Show a little backbone.

So you love them? Yes!

Sometimes. Why?

sounds like a figure of mystery.

Suitor Number One …

Suitor Number One has done nothing but pine over you all day …

Suitor Number One loves you …

Suitor Number One, you sound familiar.

Suitor Number One.

Suitor Number Three.

Suitor Number Two.

T.S.?

that he was going to propose to me,

That is the cheesiest response to an honest question I've ever heard.

that on this vacation that we were supposed to take …

That was an accident.

That was the biggest load of crap I've ever heard!

that you never took the situation seriously.

The ability to banter well with super villains?

the hydraulics kick back in and the plane rights itself.

The minute things got dicey, you cracked.

The plane started spinning around, going out of control.

Then at night, we'd take in an opera, probably Die Fledermaus.

Then he had the audacity to inform me …

Then I'd follow it all up with a drive to a secluded beach …

Then you may fire when ready.

There are just some things you do not mention in public.

There we were, mere hours from spending an entire week together …

These two lucky people will soon be winging their way …

they whip it out and start beating like mad.

to beautiful, sunny Florida for a week of theme parks, beaches …

to screw my girlfriend in a very uncomfortable place.

to take naked videos of my father.

trying to figure out a way to win you back.

Twice even. What was I supposed to do?

Uh, Suitor Number Three.

Uh.

Um, I don't think that—

Um, the kind you'd never dump your boyfriend in.

Um.

uncomfortable position with my father …

until it's time to play the Feud, all right?

We broke up. Why?

We've been talking about getting married since high school.

Well, you placed me in such a damned

Were you ever in love?

What are you talking about?

What happened to your boyfriend?

What would our first date be like?

What, like fucking?

What? Hypothetically speaking.

What? Like the back of a Volkswagen?

What's whoopee?

when all of a sudden …

when all of a sudden the hydraulics went.

When this public opportunity to literally do that arose …

Where do you come up with this shit?

where he majors in Communications.

where he majors in Economics.

where he majors in Fine Arts and Greek mythology.

where he proceeded to allow news cameras …

Who did you see me kiss?

who informed me earlier today of a nefarious plan of his …

Who's your favorite New Kid?

Why don't you ask me a question?

Why not, because he's fat? You got something against fat people, too?

Will you marry me?

Without further ado, I'd like to present you all …

woos our beautiful, eligible suitor ette.

would you ever make whoopee in public?

Wow, that's a great question.

Yeah, and take off your socks when you make whoopee …

Yeah, please don't go.

Yeah. Call me Donnie. Come on. Oh, girl.

Yes, as a matter of fact. Oh, really?

Yes.

You have my heart.

You heard how repulsed he sounded.

you just don't know when to quit, do you?

You put yourself on an auction block for God's sake …

you're addressed before you respond.

You're both retarded for each other!

you're not the same as before. You're changed.

Mallrats (1995)
"Mallrats" is a 1995 American comedy film directed by Kevin Smith. Set in a suburban shopping mall, the movie revolves around two best friends, played by Jason Lee and Jeremy London, who are dumped by their girlfriends. Determined to win them back, they embark on a hilarious series of misadventures, encountering an array of quirky characters and absurd situations. The stellar cast includes Shannen Doherty, Claire Forlani, Ben Affleck, and Jason Mewes, among others. With its witty dialogue and irreverent humor, "Mallrats" offers a satirical take on consumerism and teenage angst, making it a cult classic in the realm of '90s comedies. To relive the sounds of "Mallrats" and other iconic movies, check out our website where you can play and download these nostalgic tunes.
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