Hall Pass (2011) Edit

A faux job.

A friend of mine's DJ'ing, so I promised him I'd come.

A man with an plan. Okay. Where we going?

A question to you, Frederick, sir.

A what?

Aah, that's my boy! Let's go!

Aah, that's my boy! Let's go!

Aah! Aah! NO!

Aah.

Absolutely. Can wedge anything in that ass.

Absolutely. Come on.

Ah, shit. I forgot to take out the trash.

Ah.

Ah. I'm gonna head out.

Ah. That was just an angel from heaven.

Ahem. What'd you say, the Indian Ocean?

All I know is our marriage is better than ever.

All right

All right, here we are.

All right, I love you too.

All right, it's about time I take the governor off this beyotch!

All right, well, good luck finishing your movie.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right. See you there.

Always pushing up the hill Searching for the thrill of it

Am I scaring you, asshole?

Amazingly, our plan worked.

An right!

Anal.

And behind that wall, the war room. A 300 square foot humidor.

And by a little you mean ?

And for your mate?

And I am gonna treat you like the queen that you are for the rest of your days.

And I gotta admit, I lost a little respect for Rick for accepting it.

And I know Hogwarts right here would pay more.

And I thought, l wanna marry this girl.

And I walked right in.

And I wanted to feel wanted again.

And I was ?

And in reality, you and me, here...

And it all adds up to what?

And it can't Ht your wood

And it doesn't matter how beautiful you are ....

And it's where we first got to know each other.

And miraculously, it came through.

And my wife's been in an accident, and I need to see if she's okay!

And she doesn't forget.

And stay with you here tonight

And stay with you here tonight

And tell them that I'll call them at bedtime. Okay, miss you guys.

And that bag, man. That's a little big to be bringing into a club.

And that's their spot. When they're brand new they'd sleep right here.

And the good things twice.

And the tea bags were You heat those up.

And the truth is, I never really thought he'd go through with it.

And then I did. It was, like, a long shot.

And then the dads in the audience, they're all clapping.

And then we had kids. Emma, Gunnar and Mac.

And there 's room in there with the stick?

And they talked

And this photograph is of me in high school.

And what is this new expression, words hurt?

And when I wake up in the morning All I wanna see

And when they asked me if I wanted to go with them, I said, Sure.

And you gotta pick one or your whole family will die. That's the rule.

And you were my last.

And you're probably going to regret this for the rest of your life...

And you've been everything in between.

And, action.

And, no, you didn't make me feel uncomfortable.

And?

Another thing? After you've lost your parents' money...

Anybody have any napkins?

Anyway, he's in bracelets.

Apparently there's a forty percent chance of a light drizzle.

Approximately 10:30 p.m.

Are you gonna leave me now?

Are you guys sure Applebee's is the best place to meet horny women?

Are you joking? Those guys got hall passes?

Are you kidding? He wears one of those things...

Are you telling us you let Charlie sleep with another woman?

As always. Just the perfect amount of starch.

As far as I'm concerned, you have the week off from marriage.

At first I wasn't sure, but now I want the dream.

Aw, thank you, Mandy. I threw in a backup generator...

Aw, thank you, Mandy. I threw in a backup generator...

Aw, what's the matter? You can't get any bigger, you little bitch?

Baby, I know

Because I love you and only you.

Because I'm a married woman, Gerry, you know that.

Because she can't take her eyes off the smokers over there.

Because she's

Because that woman is my life!

Because you were eye banging the java babe.

Before we go bagging chicks, I need a hunk of beef inside me.

Besides, if you pay for golf you get full access to the resort, including the pool bar.

Better be. Cost me 275 bucks to get her here.

Bless you, doctor.

Brent?

Britney's? No way, those are like Baja miles.

But did you have to hook your boat up to it?

But I can't say you were my first.

But I know I try

But I know If the world just passed us by

But I never got your number!

But my Aunt Meg wants to meet you.

But please, I am begging you...

But that doesn't mean that I'm out gawking at every guy I see.

But that one game where we had a couple fans in the stands, we played even better.

But then it gives you a little room to get it up there!

But there is an oldies bar up on Mineral Spring Avenue.

But what about the correlation between floppy boobs...

But what just happened here ....

But why would you even try to have sex with the right Rick? He was mine.

But you see this area?

But, all in all, I would say you're a very lucky guy.

But, um, I really love my husband.

By No, I don't mean that in a bad way.

By the way, did I mention that my wife's vagina never goes above 71% humidity?

By the way, I think that I owe you an apology.

Bye, Ed.

Calling out and out again

Came close, but kids were awake when we got home.

Can I get a rub and tug and finish off with a tea bag, please?

Can you believe all the talent here today?

Can you believe it? I get a second chance.

Can you believe it? I got a hall pass.

Carpal tunnel syndrome.

Ch.

Chili'S.

Class act.

Clones.

Coakley is in Arizona, attending the Hawaiian Tropic regionals.

Coakley.

Coakley.

Coakley.

Coakley's back in town.

Coakley's game room upstairs. it's soundless.

Come here.

Come on in. I'm just mixing up some margaritas.

Come on, come on.

Come on, come on. Let the mayhem commence.

Come on, guys! All right, listen, I say we go to a titty bar, yeah?

Come on, I'm a junior in college.

Come on, man!

Come on, why can't we have some fun? God knows our guys are living it up.

Come on, you squares.

Come on! What kind of hospital doesn't have a live operator?

Come on. Guys, come on, let's go. Let's pick it up.

Complete strangers do not like us.

Completely harmless. One time thing. What would you pay?

Conservative, but that's what I'm going for.

Conversely, if you remove the taboo, you remove the obsession.

Cops! Run for it! Cutters!

Could you buy me some beer?

Couldn't last seven minutes.

Creep inside my bedroom well

Creep into my head I'm young again

Daddy, words hurt, you know.

Deal. Ha, ha.

Dear Grace, our final game is tonight.

Define frisky.

Did we skip five holes?

Do you have a shot count?

Do you know how much a polar bear weighs?

Do you realize what that'll do to the balance of power in our homes? Do you?

Do you recognize who this stud is in the blue shorts right here?

Does this mean that you will finally come with me to An Evening With Kathy Griffin?

Doesn't it ever bother you that all of our wives' dreams come true and ours don't?

Doesn't make boners.

Drink up, guys. Let's get this party started.

Driving in a car with you is like being with a horny bobblehead.

Dude, up here.

Dude, where's my golf cart?

Ed thought with the little ones you can never be too cautious.

Ed. Britney.

Either that or she's buying her T shirts at Baby Gap.

Enjoy your two Splenda'd iced coffee, mister. Hmm?

Enough to break the ice. Hi, Fred Searing.

Especially since you have your wife's permission now.

Even if she stayed, you wouldn't want her.

Even in college it took 50 rejections for every one score.

Even though I have the first pick. And we can do that Master Cleanse thing...

Every loser in Vegas thinks they can do better.

Every time I wake up, I think a plane's going down.

Everybody had a great time at that wedding.

Everybody in the shack!

Everyone came tonight and they stayed, except for you!

Ew.

Excuse me? Have you seen my granddaughter?

Feel this.

Fifty bucks, maybe?

Fill out form. It policy.

For God's sakes, at least take a couple of swings.

For me they were.

For putting you through all this.

For your variable term life insurance. When you re up on your death benefit, it

Forever.

Forget about it. it's an illusion. She's surrounded by stootfish.

Fred said 6 grand? Oh, God, what a douche bag.

Fred, come on, dude. Just

Fred, come on. We're not the same guys we were 15 years ago when we were single.

Fred, go in there and take care of that woman. You're lucky to have her.

Fred, that is fantastic.

Fred, would you ever just walk into a UFO on your own?

Fred? I thought you were Rick.

Fred's over there.

Freeze right there!

Fridge, Sub Zero.

Fucking hell.

Gentlemen, look what I got here.

Gerry, I can't stay.

Get in here, Rapunzel.

Get me some towels.

Get off my back. I'm just trying to enjoy a pastry here.

Get your rocks off, right? Protect your wife's feelings.

Give me a big hug and a kiss.

Give those to Rick. I'm gonna take a cab back to the hotel. Oh.

Give us a second here.

Go on.

Go, go, go!

Go, go, go!

Go, go, go.

Go, go. Drive.

Go. Go have some fun. You haven't been out all week.

God is punishing me because I'm the worst husband in the world.

God, she scared me to death.

God.

Golly, that is soft. Hey, Hog Head, come here, man.

Gonna grab two.

Good job, dude.

Good night, Paige.

Good night. Thank you.

Got a little bit of extra middle Right around the waist

Got a meeting across town in 'IO minutes, so I should boogie.

Got him, like, looking like Thurston Howell too. Eh ....

Gr some Frankinopoulos monster where he combines his favorite parts of all of them?

Gr whatever they say in Australia.

Grace has been in a car accident.

Grace, let me ask you a question.

Grace?

Grace.

Great.

Great. Let me clean up and you can follow me over.

Guess what. it's guys like me that hire.

Gunnar and Emma stalled for a while, but they weren't too bad.

Guys like me don't hire punks like you. All right?

Guys, attempt to be cool.

Guys, it was an accident. I'm not paying that.

Guys, it's all right if you strike out.

Gyros. However the hell you say it. Heh, heh.

Ha ha ha. Your English accent's great!

Ha, ha. That sounds good.

Ha, ha. The old hamster wheel. Yeah. I'm on that baby too.

Ha, ha. Well, what choice do we have?

Have you ever considered giving him a hall pass?

He came over last night. Drank some wine.

He doesn't have to answer to anybody.

He got a little frisky, so I sent him home in a cab.

He kissed me one night. Kissed him back. It was a big mistake.

He says we took way too much!

He thinks I'm 32.

He wants to hang and he wants to bang.

He was standing right there. I can't let him know I know.

He won't even spend $60 on An Evening With Kathy Griffin tickets for me...

He'd like to join.

He's back in Providence.

He's got back spasms.

Hear me out, gentlemen. I can explain every Uh. Uh.

Heh, heh. Yeah, right.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello? Bluh. Ha, ha.

Hello.

Help!

Here comes Tweedledee and Tweedledum.

Here we go.

Here you go.

Here's 50 bucks, okay?

HEY hi.

Hey, Anderson...

Hey, anyone thinking chocolate chip cookie dough in a waffle cone?

Hey, be nice.

Hey, Clyde. This is my friend ....

Hey, do you remember my brother in law, Flats?

Hey, don't go shooting the messenger now.

Hey, gang, check this out.

Hey, genie, can you make my dick work?

Hey, girl.

Hey, guys, I need to take a poo.

Hey, hey, hey. What about those two? Why don't you go bang them?

Hey, hey, put me down for 7500.

Hey, hey, talking of babes, which one have you got your eyes on?

Hey, hon, it's me again. Just checking in. Hope you and the kids are having fun.

Hey, I guess I'm gonna see you at the housewarming party next weekend.

Hey, I love you.

Hey, I thought you said Fred isn't a gawker.

Hey, if you get a chance, please pound Ed's potato for me.

Hey, if you get a chance, please pound Ed's potato for me.

Hey, Larry, I'll get you a cigar. Come on.

Hey, let me ask you something. ls Grace a big baseball fan?

Hey, Missy.

Hey, Mr. Mills.

Hey, Quagmire, you don't wait for the girl to walk past and glance back at her.

Hey, relax.

Hey, what the hell?

Hey, what's with the helmet?

Hey, where are the guys?

Hey, you okay? You keep checking your pulse.

Hey! Hey!

Hey! Paige!

Hey.

Hey.

Hey. And hello to Alli

Hey. Hey, hey, keep your chin up, okay? No one said this was gonna be easy.

Hey. Hi. This is for you. it's from Diana.

Hey. There's my girl.

Hi, everybody.

Hi, Maggie. This is Isabel.

Hi.

Hi. Hello. Hi, Britney.

Hit it.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Hmm. You wanna get a coffee afterwards?

Hog Head McCormick said 7500.

Hog Head, please, man. You don't have $7500.

Hola.

Hold it!

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Home, home on the range

Honey, obsessed is a very strong word.

Honey, you and I

Honey, you and I

Honey?

Honey? Honey?

Hoo. Um ....

Hope those clowns weren't bothering you.

Hot.

How about I replace them. First thing tomorrow morning...

How about you, Rick? You have any kids?

How about you? How long have you been off the market?

How are you, Fred?

How can I explain?

How come Mommy doesn't wear a bikini anymore?

How do I know if she'll come home with me?

How do I know more about massage than you guys know about massage?

How do you know that?

How do you know?

How do you like me now, Splenda boy?

How does he know your name?

How does it make sense that 20's old enough to vote or watch porn...

How does your wife catch you checking out another girl?

How I know what you want if you no fill out form?

How long do you think you're gonna be?

How long would you have to let him blow you?

How much would you be willing to spend for a weekend of erotic pleasures...

How old are you?

How would I know my wife wouldn't find out?

How'd the kids go down?

Huh?

Huh?

Hurry up!

I 'll fall for you, I 'll fall for you I 'll fall for you

I actually think it's cool of you to be staying at the Comfy Nite Inn...

I appreciate that.

I called the office, they said you were in the neighborhood. Nice place.

I can feel it

I can see that.

I can tell you the exact day and hour that I lost mine.

I can't do this. I can't do this, I'm sorry.

I can't do well When I think you're gonna leave me

I can't feel my muscles!

I can't. Grace will know I'm lying. She always knows when I'm lying.

I can’t stand these look at how much I own parties. They're obnoxious.

I did a crawl by.

I did some recon. She's from Australia.

I do believe it's true

I do that all the time.

I don't believe this. Maggie's having an affair.

I don't care. I'm exhausted. I wanna go home.

I don't even know what the dream is anymore.

I don't know how you can be so calm...

I don't know.

I don't like that my daughter needs someone to sleep with her every night.

I don't think anyone's gonna drop dead. But thanks, Fred.

I don't want you at my civil ceremony. You cheated!

I feel like donkey kicking everyone in this bar. This is unbelievable.

I feel like I'm gonna throw up, man.

I feel like I'm vibrating. Like ....

I got a hall pass.

I got a hall pass. Why shouldn't she?

I got a little tickle in my ear that I get in the summer from mold spores that

I got caught up in my reps and my curls and shit and just lost track of time.

I got some more current ones. Look.

I gotta get going.

I gotta go home and poo.

I gotta go home.

I guess somebody doesn't know about the baseball coach.

I guess they must've gone upstairs.

I have commitments.

I heard Mr. Putney talking about it.

I hope you don't mind me tracking you down.

I hope you don't mind. Bye.

I just felt like...

I just wanna see what trouble you got into last night.

I know a place that got ass on tap!

I know you and her are hooking up.

I know you and her are hooking up.

I know you got a tough job. I can relate.

I know.

I know. I was just Corning by to let you guys know what a great job you did.

I know. You were my first.

I like being able to get in there and smoosh them...

I like it, it doesn't dry your skin out so much.

I like my bongos with a little mileage on them, like Britney's.

I like that, Rick.

I like you too, Gerry.

I love football and it's it's just like a teaser, man. There's like

I love you too, Fred.

I mean everybody.

I mean, come on. Paige has a crush on you and you didn't take advantage of her.

I mean, he thinks because he sees big tits all day long...

I mean, I can't accept this.

I mean, I know she came on to you twice, and that both times you set her straight.

I mean, I quit smoking and

I mean, I thought that was just gonna be a teenage thing, right?

I mean, it's cute, but it's really sad.

I mean, look at this buffet of ass.

I mean, unless it's that weird fetish stuff where the women are, like, 40. Ha, ha.

I miss going out with you on Saturday nights.

I miss that.

I never said alone. My boyfriend and his roommates are down there.

I notice women. I notice all women. I do. And you wanna know why?

I once got caught giving her fake chow and I didn't hear the end of it for years.

I only got one shot at this, all right?

I really don't like kids.

I said, rub, no tug.

I saw it on the 11th tee. That's the last I saw it.

I say no to you!

I say we, uh, tie a bow on it and put her to bed.

I sent him home. He's fine now.

I should take you to the hospital.

I started wondering, who is he gonna be thinking about when we're having sex?

I think a safe room is a bit over the top.

I think I can do better.

I think I was in the hot tub too long. I just ....

I think it would be good for us to go out one night a week...

I think it's been stolen.

I think it's our job as women that between the hours of 10 p.m. and 6 a.m...

I think that you need this. I think we need this.

I think we can just be our natural selves.

I think you can get into a lot of trouble

I thought when we got married that it would stop, but it doesn't. it's just it's there.

I thought you might wanna help me celebrate the end of the season.

I took her for granted. I took Maggie for granted. Yeah.

I tweaked my neck on the 17th hole yesterday.

I wanna go home.

I wanna have a new policy of going out six nights a week without the kids.

I want the hall pass, okay?

I want to, honey. I really do.

I wanted to watch you guys pick up chicks, not talk about dicks.

I was 250 out. Had to get over some water. I gave it my all.

I was asking you about that hall pass thing. I babysat for the Putneys last night.

I was just giving him a faux job.

I was wondering, um ....

I wasn't crying, I don't think.

I went to clean the house today, but nobody has been there...

I went to clean the house today, but nobody has been there...

I wish I could throw up. I know it would help.

I won. Uh.

I work out there.

I would be willing to pay 250 of your American dollars.

I would never climb into one of those things.

I'd love to see the look on the girl's face...

I'll be 21 next week.

I'll die for you, I'll die for you I 'll die for you

I'll fucking kill you! Come here!

I'll just be a second.

I'll just say it to you. I'll just tell you.

I'll pound his potato, you know what I mean?

I'll see you, Jorge.

I'll take them to Finn's birthday party. You just stay in bed...

I'll tell you what it is.

I'm crazy about my wife!

I'm Gerry. Thanks for coming out to support us.

I'm gonna get going as well, guys. See you later.

I'm joking.

I'm just a /icky girl

I'm just gonna have to go set him straight.

I'm just saying, maybe a little freedom would be good for them, and for you.

I'm just saying, that is very cool.

I'm kidding. A joke. Come on.

I'm kidding. Fred Searing. Can I buy you a drink?

I'm not old enough to have kids.

I'm not quite sure what I'm gonna get.

I'm not telling you that. I gave him the freedom to choose for himself.

I'm realizing you're the only one That's meant to be

I'm saying, give them a week off from marriage.

I'm scared.

I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry, I had no idea.

I'm sure there's an explanation for why he hasn't slept in your bed.

I'm talking to the guy who cleans my office!

I'm thinking she'll remember it, and it gets a little bit complicated...

I'm weak.

I'm young again, I'm young again I'm young again

I've got, like, a mutiny on my hands.

I've gotta have a way to get the money out of the checking account.

I've never seen them look happier.

Iced coffee, two Splendas.

Ick.

If I survive, I'll worship the moon

If Maggie and Grace find out that we can't get laid on our own...

If we can't show something positive can come from having a hall pass...

If you decide to join, tell them Leigh sent you and I'll get two free months.

If you thought that I was kind of coming on to you...

If you wanna take another look...

Imagine being Coakley, huh?

Imagine coming here back when we were single.

Is everything okay?

Is he the husband of Grace Searing?

Is it because of her fat ass?

Is it gonna be that girl that he checked out...

Is it real now

Is she gonna live?

Is that good for a marriage, that she's willing to try something this insane?

Is that why you were crying that night?

Is that why you're here?

Is, uh, everything okay?

It ain't exactly an aphrodisiac for babes.

It doesn't matter, you're not trying to sell.

It was those tall skinny guys and they were all over my yard.

It'd be like Hugh Hefner and his girlfriends.

It'd probably be really uncool if I didn't

It's a bit naughty.

It's a game.

It's a principle in psychology which says...

It's absolutely epic, Ed.

It's after midnight and I gotta get up early with the kids.

It's awful.

It's doubling.

It's fine.

It's gonna be a long week. I think we need to pace ourselves.

It's just I think I'm allergic to it, and it makes me all queasy and

It's just you and me, buddy, for the next 6 days. Ha, ha.

It's just, you know, I didn't think we were gonna start dating or anything, you know?

It's just...

It's like a week off from marriage.

It's like the French kiss except down under.

It's like the kids are with the grandparents in Nantucket for a few days.

It's me. it's Snow Patrol.

It's not a yes or no offer, and it's not a debate.

It's not just me. it's gonna be Gary, Hog Head, Flats.

It's not like my game could get any worse.

It's not the same as when you smoke it.

It's not the way you think. it's more like a curse. it's something you can't help.

It's not vicarious if you're actually doing it, Hog Head.

It's not your fault.

It's on the house. it's from Diana.

It's one thing if you wanna look like Admiral Dipshit...

It's pretty nice.

It's true.

It's true. it's just the way it is.

It's where I lost my virginity.

Jeez, can you imagine, like, the looks that we would get?

Jump up.

Just a it's a picture.

Just because your wife isn't faithful to you...

Just chilling and wiggling.

Just chilling.

Just got it over with.

Kathy Griffin's a delight, isn't she?

Kid's right.

L l licky C K licky Y licky C K licky Y

Large mouth vaginae?

Last night, I fake chowed a DJ's mom.

LAUGHS]

LAUGHS]

LAUGHS]

LAUGHS]

LAUGHS]

Leigh?

Let me give you a card. If you need any home, auto, life insurance.

Let me tell you something. I wouldn't titty bang any of you in a snowstorm.

Let the soul come to the surface.

Let's go. Come on, batter up. Let's go.

Let's roll, baby.

Let's talk about Miley Cyrus. Who's got a stripper pole?

Lick here

Licky like a tangerine

Like I'm a genie and I can make it happen.

Little help. Leigh?

Little hit. Little hit. Let's go, Gerry.

Look at Maggie, all right?

Look at this fucking thing.

Look at those meatheads checking out Missy.

Look at you, you're not living your dreams. I don't see you hosting Wheel of Fortune.

Look, hey, you think your shit don't float?

Look, I mean, on the bright side, they're not cheating on us, right?

Look, I promise, no one's gonna find out.

Look, I'm really sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable, Grace.

Look, I'm trying to be honest here. I don't want some gal walking away...

Look, most married men have very foggy memories of their single days...

Look, no offense or anything, but let's face it. You're a lot older than me.

Look, this is the third time I've had to flag your group, and you're on the 4th hole.

Look, this isn't just about her cock blocking me.

Look, um, I really can't accept this.

Look, we got a long night ahead of us. Why don't we go fuel up?

Look, you are insanely beautiful and sexy...

Look, you're a great guy, Gerry.

Ls the sun and it's shining on you Next to me

Maggie, Grace. Rick Coleman, my golf buddy.

Making out with him is just so intimate, isn't it?

Maybe a little growing up? What do you think?

Maybe he has been home, but he can't stand sleeping in your bed without you...

Maybe it's time to let them go out there and find out what it's like.

Maybe this is the progressive, cool thing to do.

Maybe we just say that we did hook up.

Maybe we should just call the girls, ask them to come home.

Maybe you were right. We should just call it quits...

Meet me down here in about one hour sharp.

Might help your rap with the ladies at the pool later.

Missy sure is looking chipper for someone going through a divorce.

Mm hm. Let's forget the internet, all right?

Mm.

Mm.

Mm. No, I'm with Rico. Freddie tie tie.

Mommy did.

More tongue. More tongue.

Moron, this is my car!

Mother?

Mothers, lock up your daughters. The dogs are off the leash.

Mr. Mills, can I ask you something?

Mr. Searing? You pick up other day. No more clothes here.

Mwah. Mwah.

My body just feels like jelly.

My fault. I went against my gut.

My sister, Jenny.

My stomach's rumbling and I'm having these shooting pains.

My whole family was there! And they don't come to anything!

Nah, Flats is right. This is day three. You guys haven't even talked to a girl.

Never hear from her again. Your wife will never find out.

Never occurred to you that the wife and three kids...

Nice girl. Really sweet.

No, 45 minutes is good.

No, besides, cars turn me on.

No, how much?

No, I disagree.

No, I just thought your wife might've died and you're wearing it out of respect.

No, I know, I know. I'm trying.

No, I'll be all right. it's probably just this stupid patch.

No, I'll get up with the kids. I'll take them to the park.

No, I'm one of those people who can never throw up.

No, I'm Rick.

No, I've actually never been here before.

No, it feels more like excessive plaque build up in the arteries.

No, it's a friend of his. I just picked up his phone. Is everything okay?

No, it's not a separation, it's a hall pass.

No, no, I'm just kind of I'm just messing around here.

No, no, man. The one sitting next to her.

No, no, no! I didn't have sex with your mom.

No, no, no. Come on. Look, let's out through the B.S. okay?

No, no, no. Let me explain something to you, okay?

No, no, no. You know, I'd prefer no paper trail.

No, no, she did.

No, no,no.

No, no. Do me a favor. Irish, switch places with this guy.

No, no. Fred's not a gawker. He's a good boy. Ha, ha.

No, no. it's like, just because your wife says it's okay to cheat, is it?

No, the young one standing next to you.

No, you can't! Not in this thing.

No, you didn't give him the wrong impression.

No! Brent!

No! I would like to speak to you alone. Alone.

No! You take it easy!

No.

No.

No.

No.

No. Are you telling me...

No. He can't. He has two houses closing escrow this week. He has to be in town.

No. I told you, I just had to talk him off the ledge.

No. No, she hates baseball.

No. No, that's not me. No, that was intended for Rick.

No. No, you've changed. All you're thinking about is yourself.

No. No.

No. Not tonight, buddy.

No. She already got us. Thank you.

No. Those are my kids.

Not a big deal. This is Ah.

Not bad, right?

Not just for you and me, but for all mankind.

Not tonight, fellas.

Not very relaxing so far. Um ....

Not.

Now you watch, this thing's gonna end up biting Maggie in the ass.

Now, if I have to come out here again, you're done.

Now, mother in laws. What do they go for on the black market?

Now?

Number 11.

Occasionally?

Of course, it didn't sting as much when you were drunk.

Oh ....

Oh ....

Oh, chicks dig motorcycles. Come on.

Oh, come on!

Oh, don't do that. That's

Oh, don't worry. You were my last too.

Oh, God, he has this stupid move where he looks back...

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh, God. Grace needs me!

Oh, Grace, no, no. Come on, do we really have to?

Oh, great.

Oh, great. So, what am I supposed to do?

Oh, have you been listening to those loudmouths ell night?

Oh, hey! Betsy Ross! You need a pole for that flag?

Oh, hey.

Oh, hey. Hey.

Oh, I love you, Grace.

Oh, I'm sorry. Ch.

Oh, it's a friend of my dad. Baseball player.

Oh, just some brownies...

Oh, Leigh, are you gonna grab a brew ski after your workout?

Oh, man. Oh.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. What did they say? Is Grace gonna be okay?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. What if the cops question me?

Oh, my God. You are so brave.

Oh, no, no, no. He means that his penis is Dublin.

Oh, no. No, she's still hanging in there.

Oh, oh And I play the game

Oh, oh Like I did yesterday

Oh, really? Here?

Oh, she'll Come home with you. She's wearing a thong, man.

Oh, silly Daddy got the monitors mixed up.

Oh, stop it. Listen, I don't deserve this thing.

Oh, thank God, you're still awake.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, that's good.

Oh, um ....

Oh, wait! Rick, Rick, Rick. Good luck with Mags.

Oh, what the hell.

Oh, yeah, about that.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm just spacy tonight, honey, I'm sorry.

Oh, yeah? This morning you left the computer on Cock Gobblers.Corn.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Good soundtrack. Pretty good movie.

Oh, yeah. I'm sorry. She's fine. She just broke her nose.

Oh, yes.

Oh, you poor thing.

Oh! Unbelievable. How does he come up with this stuff, huh?

Oh. Here he comes.

Oh. Honey, don't show them that. They're gonna think we're wackos.

Oh. Honey, don't show them that. They're gonna think we're wackos.

Oh. I love Brazilian granite. How come I don't have Brazilian granite?

Oh. I'm very surprised to hear that news...

Oh. No, I can't.

Oh. Should we go talk with this girl right here?

Oh. So they're letting you go?

Oh. Um ....

Oh. Wow.

Okay, boys, you're on the clock now.

Okay, but we're not talking about cats here. We are talking about dogs.

Okay, come on. Bath time. Time to scrub some backs and clean some cracks.

Okay, just calm down.

Okay, let's get out of here. I know exactly where we should be.

Okay, look. I did not stop because there's a lunatic out there trying to kill us!

Okay, look. I'm taking the bull by the horns right now, okay?

Okay, look. Look, whatever happened this week doesn't matter. Okay?

Okay, look. This is some bullshit, okay? I'm out of here, man.

Okay, ma'am. If you say he's yours, you can have him.

Okay, now don't even think about putting e tip on there.

Okay, one quick story.

Okay, Paige. Enough, please.

Okay, Rickster. Ha, ha!

Okay, so I occasionally notice other women. I'm sorry.

Okay, that was the last ponytail. It's time for you to go night night.

Okay, uh, I'll say three 9s.

Okay, um, come here.

Okay, well, Mommy isn't always right.

Okay, well, the guy at the Comfy Nite Inn said it doesn't really kick in till about 9:30.

Okay, where to now?

Okay, you better head inside now.

Okay?

Okay? I'm gonna quit fantasy football this year.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. All right, thank you.

Okay. All right.

Okay. All right. Bye.

Okay. But must check with manager first.

Okay. Have en good night.

Okay. Let's tiptoe.

Okay. No, no. He's gone. Drive. Drive. You shook him.

Okay. Sorry.

Okay. Uh, goodbye. Mwah.

Okay. Yeah.

Okay. You know what? I'll say it.

On one of the fairways. I grabbed e club, took e swing, looked around, gone.

One sec.

Ooh, here. Here. Here. Just take this just in case.

Ooh, I'm pretty sure I'm gonna need a bath afterwards.

Or maybe the hostess. Someone should definitely jump her bones.

Or something, anything

Our first friend to win an award.

Our girls been going alone.

Paige told me where you were staying.

Paige, you're my kids' babysitter. Have a happy birthday.

Peace it.

People that know us just a little bit. Like in a casual surface y kind of way.

Perfect.

Pick up your own balls and bats! Move your ass!

Please don't have a nice Oh, come on, man.

Please don't have a nice ass. Please don't have a nice ass.

Please meet me at my place afterwards to toast the best summer of my life.

Please. No, not at all. No. it's good to have company.

Please. Please, tell me she's gonna be okay.

Plus bus fare.

Poor guy. All work and no play.

Pound it.

Pshh.

Push the defrost button on the microwave, boys.

Quiet little monsters

Quiet little voices

Quiet words of wisdom

Quiet. Gunnar just fell asleep.

R O C K in the U.S.A.

R O C K in the U.S.A.

Really?

Really? Are you ? You okay?

Really? You were laughing like a hyena when he said it.

Really.

Relax. Here's how I see it:

Remember when we went to Lucy's award thing?

Rick and Fred are like a couple of domesticated cats scratching at the door.

Rick, enough with the chivalry.

Rick, this isn't something that I just ....

Rick, you can’t even tell me the month that you lost your virginity.

Rick! Rick! She's gonna be okay!

Right. Right.

Rocking.

Room's soundproof.

Safe!

Same.

See you later.

See, this is why the terrorists hate us.

Seemed like they were having problems, you know?

Shake it, shake it, shake it You the one for me

She came on to me?

She drove me there to apologize. Did Maggie give you grief...

She gave me a hall pass.

She used to play house. You bought her a house.

She used to play with a Easy Bake Oven. You bought her a Viking.

She walked by and I glanced back for like half a second.

She wanted to be a mommy, you made her a mommy.

She was a really pretty girl with these big old floppy tits. Boom.

She went over there to break the kid's heart.

She'll make me take her shopping...

She's 45 years old and she still parties like she's my age.

She's a beautiful woman.

She's gonna be a mouth breather for about a week.

She's taken my order before and it's

She's taking the kids and going up to her parents' beach house till next Sunday.

She's tense, she's hungry.

She's very vulnerable. She just quit cigarettes.

Shh, keep it down.

Shit, where are my kids?

Shooter down. Let's roll!

Smooth sailing.

So ....

So come on. Just be honest. What were you trying to accomplish?

So did you, um, go to Harvard?

So how were the little monsters tonight?

So I drink again

So I mean, what were you doing driving around at 1 in the morning?

So is this guy like your boyfriend or something?

So just tell me today

So shape up. Good day, sir.

So we saw you guys sitting up there with those kids. Are you nannies or something?

So, Rick, how's the week off from marriage going?

So, um, where is everybody?

So, what are you doing here?

So, what do you think?

So, what's with the ring?

So, you know, just suck it up. This is gonna

So? I can live vicariously through you guys.

Some knucklehead hotshot in a convertible Sebring...

Sorry about that, big man.

Sorry, but if I let you in I'm gonna lose my job.

Sorry. Oh, God.

Speaking of installations...

Stootfish?

Sweetie, don't keep me down.

Swerve! Swerve! Swerve!

Take her wherever she wants to go. Here you are.

Take it easy, okay? Relax.

Taking mental photographs for my spank bank.

Talk to her? Fred, now what do you want, a pen pal or a poon pal?

Talking to myself

Tell you one thing, Cube Gooding definitely does not belong in the snow, does he?

Thank you for the tip.

Thank you, officer.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you. it's nice finally to meet a woman who's not obsessed with penis size.

Thanks for coming to the war room, old chap.

Thanks.

That girl over there is looking at you.

That guy's single, he's loaded. Chicks love him.

That had been knocked out earlier...

That is attractive.

That lunatic was attacking them before he punched Officer Leska.

That seems a little stiff.

That sneeze helped.

That was amazing.

That was fucking awesome. We saw the whole thing.

That woman needs something in her mouth.

That woman needs something in her mouth.

That you're still gonna be jerking off after you get married.

That's amazing. You're like A Beautiful Mind.

That's Fred.

That's good, that's good. You remember how we dominated in JV basketball?

That's me the summer I got out of college.

That's Mommy.

That's Mommy.

That's my Aunt Meg over there.

That's not gonna be good when she goes to college.

That's not respectful!

That's not so bad.

That's not true. Thanks to Gary's brownies...

That's one of those things they don't tell you, huh?

That's right, that's right. Tonight we build up some strength, and then tomorrow, pfft...

That's the day I lost my virginity. March 25th, 1989.

That's true. That's true.

That's what I'm saying. I've got a pass.

That's what they all say until they drop dead. Let me give you one.

That's what we should do, then. We should get drunk.

That's what you get. That's what you get.

That's why this dude 's wearing the hat.

That's why we had the backup genny installed in Britney's rumpus.

The arch.

The best of times

The end.

The first time I ever slept with Maggie back in college, she fell asleep right here...

The floors are French limestone and the counter tops are Brazilian granite.

The fuck you looking at?

The gum kept the door from banging, and we never heard 'Don't slam the door' again.

The hall pass. I don't just Something doesn't seem quite right.

The humidity in there never gets above 71 percent and never below 70.

The least she could do is lend a sympathetic ear.

The mystery zone

The old dude invited me. He invited the entire club.

The oven's a GE.

The point is, I like sex too. It means something to me.

The Teen Awards, where she went down there.

Then she gives that tiny little pelvic arch thrust...

There he is. Hey.

There you are.

There's a part of me that's like:

There's also a jogging path right by the river.

They all went out to some party. Come on in.

They love sex.

They said she was in a oar accident and they took her to the hospital.

They wouldn't say any more because I'm not you.

They're all coming out with us.

They're her kids.

They're hibernating.

They're home!

They're too needy. Plus, it's usually smart to get married if you're gonna have kids...

They've actually got a bar there, so I always grab a beer after my workout.

They've just added this porch.

Thirteen hundred dollars? For two bottles of booze?

This guy right here's got all the loot.

This hall pass.

This house has gotta be worth something, right?

This is actually Harvard Health Care.

This is all my fault. I'm the one that caused all of this.

This is an investment, man.

This is my friend Fred. Fred, say hello to Harold and Marcy Goldberg.

This is really bad timing. I gotta get going.

This is really her call, Fred.

This is Snow Patrol, the band.

This is Stella Bass Band.

This is tricky because, obviously, getting a blow job from a guy, you know, is bad...

This is Trooper Frioli of the Massachusetts State Police.

This place is dead.

This poor kid is spending his hard earned money on me. it's sad.

This resort sure beats the hell out of the Comfy Nite Inn.

This spot right here.

This thing looks pretty good, though. I like this. Change your life.

This thing that you're all so obsessed with is completely meaningless to you.

Those are the facts of the situation.

Those guys are still in college. And in case you forgot, we're married.

Till then. Come on, pound the potato.

To tie back the hands of time

To tie back the hands of time

Tomorrow morning I'm taking the kids to my parents' Cape house.

Tonight, you can have me.

Tonight's the night we'll make history

Tonight's the night we'll make history

Try not to think so much.

Twenty's old enough to, um ?

Uh .... No, everything's not okay.

Uh huh. And uh huh.

Uh huh. Okay, now watch this, man.

Uh, 24 minutes ago.

Uh, 45 minutes? Less, if you help with the kids.

Uh, brought some good late night eats.

Uh, sorry about being a little, you know, quick on the trigger there. it's just, uh ....

Uh, to who? Because you know what? The last that I checked...

Uh, well, I don't really squat. I just run on the hamster wheel after work every day.

Uh, yeah. I was thinking that you were gone.

Uh, you know what? I'm sorry.

Um ....

Um, do you need a ride home?

Um, hey, man, do you mind if she takes my order?

Um, hold on an second. Rick just walked in.

Um, I wonder what's keeping Grace.

Um, so are you women from Ireland perchance?

Um, well, seriously, though, thanks for everything.

Um, you know what? I gotta get going. We have a

Unless she needs room for a $5 foot long.

Very disappointed, gentlemen. Very disappointed.

Wait a minute. Are you saying let them go out and cheat?

Wait a second, are you for real?

Wait a second, wait. Where's Coakley?

Wait a second, you wanna quit?

Wait a second.

Wait till we hit the streets.

Wait, are you serious?

Wait, I don't get it. What ? Why aren't you buying ticker tape for the parade?

Waiting for a sign

Walking on a dream

Wasn't a question.

Watch me.

Watch porn? Yeah. Half the girls in those things are my age.

Watch us reel in the babes. Ha, ha.

We are always running for the thrill of it Thrill of it

We didn't know what was going on because he came in through the window.

We don't mean to question your betting process...

We gotta get out of here, we're burning daylight.

We had to rotate the stick a little.

We had to stuff some gauze up there.

We have a team meeting in like 20 minutes. it's a tradition.

We let down the male species, you know that?

We need to talk about what happened this week.

We really, really do.

We started going out when I was a freshmen in college.

We'll be back next Sunday.

We'll get there, we'll get there.

We're finally in. We're having a little soiree.

We're getting cut on by the Joy Luck Club.

We're going to the players' digs for beer and brats. Join us?

We're gonna have a belly flop contest in the pool. You all can be judges.

We're here to tighten it up for you.

We're only supposed to eat, like, a quarter of a brownie each!

We're taking the party back to my house. Bring a girl or don't come, man.

We've changed.

Well, all you have in this world is your word.

Well, are you gonna throw up?

Well, can someone at least read me a story?

Well, come on, Flats, I can't very well bring a bunch of models back to my place.

Well, cut through the woods!

Well, honey, virginity's different for guys.

Well, I guess one beer won't kill us.

Well, I guess you're off the hook.

Well, I have a great wife...

Well, I mean, kind of.

Well, I still got a few.

Well, I thought you'd like to watch a movie in a minivan.

Well, I was embarrassed for Fred, to be honest. It was uncomfortable.

Well, if that's what you're getting at I'm not gonna say no.

Well, it doesn't matter how. I got one.

Well, just .... You know, because ....

Well, kind of. You made me drive around town for two hours, remember?

Well, not tonight, you don't. I'm bloated and I have cramps.

Well, uh, you definitely have a screw loose.

Well, we messed around once, but just a little.

Well, you know, the law's pretty clear on this.

Were things that bad that we have to do something this extreme?

What are those?

What are you doing here?

What are you doing here?

What are you doing here?

What are you doing, man? Come on.

What are you doing, man? The mazeltov? Give me a break.

What are you doing? What are you doing?

What are you talking about? We were dating then.

What are you thinking, Olive Garden?

What are you thinking? I'm a married man. I have children.

What are you, an asshole?

What are you, Knight Rider?

What do you squat?

What do you think? I'm looking for my aunt.

What do you think? Iceland has the most beautiful women in the world.

What do you want, hot pussy or breadsticks?

What does he do for a living, just out of interest?

What happened to you yesterday? Thought we were gonna get a beer.

What happened?

What happens if you lose power during a blow...

What I mean is that I'm sorry, I can't do that.

What if they end up stalking me?

What is happening?!

What is that?

What is this, amateur hour?

What the hell is he doing?

What the hell is wrong with you two?

What the hell just happened?

What the hell was that?

What would you rather? Make out with a guy or let him blow you?

What, and get caught by Grace? No way. I can't risk that. Uh uh.

What, is that your adult voice? That would be inappropriate, Paige.

What, like a trial separation? You are seriously overreacting.

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What? How?

What? it's only 9:15.

What? Look, I just I feel bad if I gave him the wrong impression, you know?

What? No. No, no, no.

What? No. Who said Mommy has a fat ass?

What? Paige, I have no idea what you're talking about.

What's that?

Whatever you want.

Whats the matter with you?

When an eight surrounds herself with less attractive women...

When does yours begin?

When I got my fully loaded Honda Odyssey, I didn't go around bragging about it, did I?

When I was in college I was right where you are.

When it'd be 4 in the morning you'd be holding their head...

When they don't know us that well.

When two people become one

When two people become one?

When two people become one?

When you eat it, it's a much more mellow buzz. Makes you feel sort of relaxed.

Where did you find the Kathy Griffin look alike?

Where is everybody? Hello?

Where the big mouth vaginae Feel strange

Where there's tits, and we look at them, and we smoke cigars.

Where was the last place you saw it?

Where you're looking. It was your air space.

Where?

Where's Coakley? Why didn't he show up?

Which one? What? The one that looks like Chief from Cuckoo's Nest?

Who gets a minivan when they don't have any kids?

Who wants a Cubano, huh?

Who was that?

Who's that girl?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa. Oh ....

Whoo!

Why am I pudge boy?

Why are you guys staying at a hotel?

Why are you smiling?

Why are you with my wife?

Why can’t you do it in the bathroom like every other guy?

Why do you need an umbrella?

Why do you need an umbrella?

Why don' t you let your husband have a hall pass and let us know how it turns out?

Why don't you go upstairs and slip into something uncomfortable...

Why don't you just back one out here?

Why don't you see what you can do.

Why not?

Why not?

Why would I need a hall pass, huh? I got you!

Why?

Why?

Why?

Why? Because I am a /icky /icky guy

Why? What's he doing there?

With a price tag north of 240 large, it better be paradise.

Words hurt, Gunnar.

Workaholic. She'll be out of here in five minutes.

Would you like to try the Australian kiss?

Wow, Dad, you used to have muscles.

Wow, man. You just don't understand the insurance game, do you, Rick?

Wow, so you're married?

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow. This is awkward. I feel like I'm at my first junior high mixer. You know?

Wow. This is like secret agent stuff.

Yeah, I

Yeah, I didn't see that one coming.

Yeah, I had to go in when I got a bunch of tests done for my life insurance.

Yeah, I know. She's okay, though.

Yeah, I remember.

Yeah, I was I'm gonna split.

Yeah, I work out at home but thinking about taking my workouts public.

Yeah, me too.

Yeah, my cousin got me and my aunt on the VIP list.

Yeah, next Saturday afternoon at the new casa.

Yeah, no. I mean, jeez, um ....

Yeah, senior year.

Yeah, she's gonna go join Maggie up at the Cape.

Yeah, shoot.

Yeah, thanks for piling on.

Yeah, that can never happen again.

Yeah, that's not what I was saying. I said

Yeah, there she goes.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, you're out of breath, Stephen.

Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. A what?

Yeah. Bjork.

Yeah. Guys, come on!

Yeah. I guess.

Yeah. I just I got a little chest cramp, but I'm working through it.

Yeah. I know that.

Yeah. I went to a party there once.

Yeah. It wasn't like I was trying to hide it. I mean, you know.

Yeah. No, everything's fine.

Yeah. No, I feel good.

Yeah. Peace it.

Yeah. Something like that.

Yeah. Sure thing, Leigh.

Yeah. Tell me about it.

Yeah. That was so much fun.

Yeah. Uh ....

Yeah. Yeah, come on in.

Yeah. Yeah, it is, uh, quiet in here.

Yeah. Yeah, that's a good point.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. it's a touring edition, dick.

Yeah. You out celebrating?

Yes, I am. I've been bad, Rick. I've been real bad.

Yes, Rick. More tongue.

Yes! Yes, I am. Is she okay?

You

You What was her name, man?

You are completely obsessed with sex.

You are not getting a hall pass. So you can cut the bullshit.

You can do whatever you want. Get it out of your system.

You can have anyone you want. You know she's not gonna get pregnant.

You can't help if her butt walks where you're looking.

You cheap bastard.

You come over here out of the blue with a bag of garbage.

You could do anything you want. The wife will never find out.

You could do this with a clear conscience. I'm not trying to sell you on it.

You dip them in water, heat them up, and put them on pressure

You do?

You don't get it, do you?

You don't mind if I call you Rick? I am officially an adult now.

You drank when you were in college.

You ever heard of a hall pass?

You found your dream girl, now take her back to the hotel and take care of business.

You fucking kidding me?

You get a hand job from her, you need the Jaws of Life to get you out of it.

You got a little broken nail Got a hair out of place

You gotta be careful because they'll come into your throat. But no, no, I got ....

You gotta feel Rick's skin, feel how soft it is.

You gotta hit them right out of the gate. Half an hour from now you'll be old news.

You guys choose them yourself or they come from Corporate?

You guys got a hall pass.

You guys want beautiful women, right?

You have your wife for the rest of your life.

You know that moment when you're taking a girl's panties off for the very first time...

You know what I mean.

You know what I miss the most?

You know what my dad had? A belt. Yeah. Now, that hurt.

You know what winners do? They walk away from the table while they're up.

You know what, Rick? This is spring break.

You know what? I don't think we need any phony pick up lines.

You know what? I have an idea, doc.

You know what? I think I feel a little better.

You know what? Um, honestly, I'd prefer not to have anything in print.

You know, all this arch talk's got me craving some Mickey D's.

You know, Grace conked out right when we got home...

You know, I've been wondering if maybe I should give you a hall pass.

You know, in fact, it's so quiet I kind of just I kind of hit a wall.

You know, maybe he took a trip somewhere.

You know, sometimes I wonder if it wouldn't be better if they did cheat.

You know, this whole kind of I'm on the inside, too cool for school...

You know, we've got the whole week, so ....

You know, words really do hurt.

You know, you're so hot I couldn't help myself.

You look down there, it's like, Hey, I'm Billy Big mouth Vagina.

You make me laugh, Freddie. Come on, try this.

You mean rather than take the slow boat to resentment?

You might have appendicitis?

You must be from Ireland because when I look at you my penis is Dublin.

You need help.

You need to live it up.

You okay?

You people are horrible! Horrible!

You realize how much easier this is, having a hall pass partner?

You say no to me? No, no, no. Flip it!

You see the Prius? We're going green.

You should be flattered. You're 38 years old and you have college guys chasing you.

You spot her from 15 feet away, turn, then wait for her to walk into your line of vision.

You think I should Photoshop the baby out?

You think Maggie might have a brain tumor or something?

You think that you can come into my club...

You think they'd like me at the river alone drinking with a coed?

You think this is some alligator infested moat? No one can get over there to you?

You wanna hear a great idea?

You want a massage?

You want a massage?

You're a good guy.

You're gonna be okay. Just take a couple breaths.

You're headed here. Great.

You're kidding. You don't You've never done that before?

You're married men. She's half your age.

You're not gonna get a better hunk of beef than you get here.

You're not gonna get away with it!

You're thinking of Snow Dogs, the kiddie flick.

You're under arrest for supplying alcohol to a minor.

You've been very sweet to her.

Your aunt's staying here?

Your mother and I have the kids. We've got Paige. No problem.

Your unique barista skills have been requested.

Your wives already RSVP'd.

Yours most truly, Gerald Ahem.

Zero matches? I didn't think that was possible.

...and just ask the girls to come home. No!

...but I don't know. Oh.

...but it's too young to have a beer? Really?

...of the pot variety. Whoa.

...to make her look like a 10. What are you talking about? She is a 10.

...where it's just you and me. It would be You gotta be kidding.

...with one of the most beautiful women? Six grand.

...with the mask and the tube? Yeah, it's awful.

...you know. Yeah.

A shot count? Yeah!

A what? A hall pass. A week off from marriage.

A what? One week off from marriage.

Aah! Yeah! Ha, ha.

Agreed. But you know who does?

Ah, enlighten me. When you pull into a person's driveway...

Ahem. Uh, hey. Oh, hey.

Ahh, I don't know. Come on. You've gotta have a number.

All I did was fake chow her. All right? it's true.

All right, give me one of those things. Hee hee.

All right. Calm down. This is my fault.

All right. Have fun. Okay.

All right. I'll see you later on. Yeah.

Although that'd be kind of fun to watch. Ha, ha.

Answer Flats. What's the question?

Are they chocolatey? Yeah.

Are you okay? I don't wanna get into all the details...

Be very quiet, but still excited. Ha, ha.

Bungee jump. Oh, I've already done that.

But of course. But of course. Four 9s.

Can I help you? You must be Rick.

Can I sleep with you tonight? Aw.

Check that out. Ha, ha. Thanks for the tip, Twilight.

Cheers. Cheers.

Coakley? He did. Hey, guys.

Come here. Anyway.

Come on, guys, give it a rest. Hey, Ed. I didn't see you standing there.

Come on, it's for the No, Paige.

Come on, let's go, baby. it's time to go. Oh, screw you!

Come on, please? No!

Come on, who are you gonna bone first? Uh ....

Come on, who's in? Ehh. Ahh ....

Come on. Do it.

Come on. You gotta go. No.

Come, come. Everybody upstairs.

Daddy? No, absolutely not.

Did you faint, sir? No, I just ....

Do they think, they're invisible? I know.

Does this mean you're going steady? it's not funny.

Dove. I like Dove.

Every single bit of this. Horny old man?

Fake chow. Gotcha.

Fifty seven bucks. What? Are you kidding me? That

Five 3s. Let me ask you something.

Five grand? Five grand, baby.

Follow me, fellas, for some ass. Good. Okay. I like it.

For what? For what?

Frankinopoulos. You're Greek, right? My ex husband is.

Fred. Hello.

Freddie. What?

GE. What GE?

Get off me, Mom. Brent, stop it.

Give me the helmet. Mm hm.

Go! Go! Go! Come on!

Good. What are they? Let's be honest.

Goodbye! You are the man tonight.

Great, yeah. If you know how to. Oh, yeah.

Great. I'll go round up the kids.

Guys, we're in here! They can't hear you.

Ha ha ha. Hog Ass, you okay?

Ha, ha. The first time you let them out...

Ha, ha. You picked somewhere nice and quiet.

Ha, ha. Correct. You don't even have a hall pass.

Ha, ha. Uh We're in.

Ha, ha. Well, I don't know. I Hey.

Ha, ha. You'd be Hef. Yeah, I got that.

He's coming through the back. What's up, assholes?

Hello. Hey. Oh. What are you doing here?

Hello. Hi.

Here we go. Ah, good show.

Hey, did you get any action last night? Nah.

Hey, guys. Hi. That's why he wears a tie.

Hey, Maggie. Hey, how's it going?

Hey! What are you doing, man?

Hey. Hi.

Hey. Hi.

Hey. There he is, the lord of the manor.

Hey. What can I get you? Small coffee.

Hey. What can I get you? Small coffee.

Hi. Hi. Can I take your order?

Hi. What can I get you?

Hmm. Come on, let's go say hi to Dr. Lucy.

Holy shit! Ha ha ha.

How about you pay now. No. Guys ....

How long would you have to make out? Ten minutes.

Huh? it's called the reactance theory.

I .... Besides, it's so arbitrary.

I actually didn't order any dessert. Yeah, I know.

I assume the genie could help with that? Oh. I got you.

I can see that. A genie. Yeah. Ha, ha. Thank you. Thank you.

I didn't know you played yesterday. Yeah.

I don't get the whole fake boob thing. What don't you get?

I don't know how I feel about it. Feel about what?

I don't know. Any girl you choose.

I don't know. We weren't planning on Come on. it's gonna be fun.

I don't see anything. Yeah, upstairs window.

I don't wanna be a home wrecker, Rick. No, no, no.

I feel bad for Ed Jr. Mm hm.

I honestly don't know. Ballpark, please.

I like to think so, though. Ha, ha. You would like to think it was true.

I love that picture. Yeah. Yeah.

I love you, Emma. I love you more.

I miss my wife and kids, okay? No.

I'll get you signed right up. Okay.

I'll just give you my routing number? Ha, ha.

I'll tell you this. I do remember this. What's up with this shit?

I'm gonna try to bang your receptionist. No, no, no! Fred. Fred.

I'm just saying if it was possible. it's a scenario.

I'm not stopping till I get to Grace. Are you crazy?

I'm serious. Fuck you.

I've got hall pass. I have a hall pass. He's got a gun!

In the rumpus? Right inside.

In the shower? Yeah.

Is he going to jail? Thank you so much.

Is that an original? No.

Is that the marshal? Should we say something?

it'll take all the fun out of it. Ha, ha.

it's because of the way guys are wired. Oh, come on. Give me a break.

it's like space. Leigh!

It's probably jacked up on bricks now. Gary, you're being paranoid.

Jenny. Yeah. Jenny.

Just everyone at the barbecue. What?

Kind of the go to mensch here in town. We're okay with insurance.

Kind of. Yeah?

Leigh. Oh, this fucking guy.

Let me log out. You log out.

Let's go get a beer. Yeah.

Like who? Well, I was thinking about ....

Little man. Scram. Ha, ha.

ls this Fred Searing? No.

Maybe. Maybe I'm not kidding. Ha, ha.

Mm. Okay. I'm in. Ha, ha. Ah.

Mommy? Mm hm.

Never! Ever! Hey! Hey!

Next Saturday I think that could be tough. Yeah, we're jammed.

No, no, no. They just wanna watch. Yeah. Watch what?

No, you weren't. Yeah, I was.

No! What?

No. Heh.

No. No.

Not bad, huh? All right. Yeah. Ha ha ha.

Not funny. Fred, knock it off.

Not him. Him. No, they were delicious.

Not. Oh, my God.

Now? Right now, man. The universe is calling.

Of course she is. Shit. Don't bring me here. She's been here about a month. What?

Oh .... Oh, yeah.

Oh, look at that. it's cute.

Oh, no, they were sweet. Yeah. No, no. Those were cute kids.

Oh, wow, look at this place. Pretty good, huh?

Oh, wow, thanks. You're welcome.

Oh! Not bad, yeah?

Oh! Whoa.

Oh. Plus, I had a bunch of drinks at the club.

Oh. Come on. Yes, you do. Yes, you do. Oh, come on.

Oh. Cool. Can't wait.

Oh. This is your car? Yes!

Ohh. Hey, thanks very much. No, no, no. I said the young guy.

Okay, pull over, man. No way. I can outrun them.

Okay. Ha, ha.

Okay. Mm. Very nice seeing you.

On the vagina. Ooh.

Ooh. The damage we would do? Ha, ha, oh, boy.

Over 20 years if you include dating. Whoa.

Paige, I better get going. What? Where are you going?

Play through! Play through.

Pleasure. Nice to see you again.

Pshh. Ha, ha. Uh oh. Ha, ha.

Really? Yeah.

Really? Yeah.

Really? Yeah. Despises it.

Really? Yes.

Rick? Hmm?

Rick. Rick.

Seven minutes. Seven?

Shake it, shake it, shake it Like a tambourine

She's okay? She's all right.

Shh. Here she comes, here she comes. All right. Thanks.

Shit! He's up. He's up.

Skydiving. Skinny dip in the Indian Ocean.

Sleep with a married guy. Ha, ha. Ha, ha.

So pretty. Chick. Chick. Chick. Zzz.

So we were wondering if Can I get my 50 bucks back?

So when he came into the room .... What?

So, what you waiting for'?! Oh. Hey. Heh, heh.

Sorry, we're gonna pick it up. Ha, ha.

Speed up, speed up! I can't! I've got it floored!

Still married. Oh, is she? Great. I'm glad it worked out.

Strike! Hey, ump! You're missing a hell of a game!

Take care, guys. Okay.

Take it easy, buddy. I won't take it easy!

Tell me what you see. Wha ?

Thank you, Eddie. Ha, ha. Hey, Dad.

Thank you. Yeah.

Thanks. Mm hm.

Thanks. Yeah. Ha, ha.

That doesn't make sense. You are so busted.

That is ridiculous. I know.

That is so soft. Yeah.

That'll be $2. Nice tunes, by the way.

That'll put a bit of lead back in the pencil. I got a better idea.

That's a nice moment. Yeah.

That's from high school. Yeah, I know. I think it says a lot about me.

That's it. You two are dead men. Whoa! He's got a gun!

That's where we should be. Yeah. He's in Iceland.

The arch? Yeah.

The grand tour's about to begin! Come on!

The tall blond, right here. Yeah. Hmm.

The whole thing is just embarrassing. Stop it.

There. You look pretty, Daddy. Good.

They dig us. They do dig us.

They're just moving up from Long Island. Oh, mazeltov, folks. How are you?

They're nice, yeah? Yep.

Think your mother would give the recipe? Gary! What are you doing?

Think your mother would give the recipe? Gary! What are you doing?

Two beers, please. You got it.

Two Splendas. Okay.

Ugh. Fuck, no!

Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You fill out form.

Um .... Please.

Um, maybe we should turn this off. Not a chance.

Um, she misheard. No. You must fill out form.

Up for it? Yeah.

Vanished? Yes.

Vote? No. The other thing.

Wanna near something funnier? Yeah.

We can let her What? Are you serious?

We're a couple of show ponies, aren't we? Yeah, we came alive!

We're gonna get laid, right? Yeah.

We're on the sixth hole. They're cutting.

We've both been bad. I kissed your babysitter's aunt.

Well Kind of We Sort of

Well .... Come on, she's scared.

Well, good night. Mwah.

Well, it wasn't really his choice. Mm hm.

What about the baby? The baby? Not a peep.

What about you, you get lucky? No.

What am I, your slave? See you.

What are you doing here? Wait, wait, wait. Aunt Meg is your mom?

What are you doing? Huh?

What are you talking about? Look at her hand.

What can I get you? Can I get three tequila shots, please?

What could you do? Exactly.

What do you mean? Don't you get it?

What if we hit a massage parlor? No way. That is giving up.

What is it? Now block everything out.

What is that? Four 7s. Is that good? She's kidding.

What the fuck is this? My husband!

What the hell is he doing? Uh oh.

What the hell is this? Get in here, you're gonna love this.

What the hell took you so long? I couldn't find my umbrella.

What the hell were you thinking? Okay, scoot along now, Paige.

What? Ha, ha.

What? Please don't judge me.

What? We're not on spring break.

What? Yeah.

What? You just checked out that girl's butt.

What? Do you think she noticed? I noticed.

What's fake chow? When you're going south on them...

What's wrong? Nothing.

When you don't know what to say. Ha, ha.

Where did you get that? Grandpa's closet!

Where did you get that? Mommy.

Where nothing is good Shh, shh, shh.

Where'd you get those? From the guy who cleans my office.

Who did? You did. And it's rude.

Who? Coakley.

Who's gonna steal a golf cart? Criminals.

Who's that, dear? Maggie and Grace.

Who's winning? Uh oh.

Whoo! Wow.

Whoo! Ha, ha. Whoo! OW.

Whoo! Mm. The spirits doth floweth.

Why aren't you guys staying here? Too pricey.

Wow. What?

Yeah, I know. What a bizarre world...

Yeah. All right.

Yeah. Heartburn?

Yeah. Hmm. Huh.

Yeah. No. We have to get the kids home.

Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. Well, that night Rick and I were gonna...

Yeah. I'd love to meet the Dalai Lama. Mm. Sure.

Yeah. That was a great day, man. It was.

Yes, it is. No.

Yes, you are. No, l Look, how about

Yes. Whoo!

You had your shot and you blew it! Come on.

You know what Grace made me do? What?

You know what, maybe you're right. Huh.

You never watched a movie in a minivan. No.

You open, Rick. I know.

You were dead serious. It was a joke.

You're awesome at sex. Oh.

You're right, we're too stiff. I know.

You're welcome. And you think I'm gonna fuck you...

...and a couple of breakfast burritos for the big dog here. That's a good deal.

...and don't wanna use your tongue, so you use fingers and smack your lips.

...and every cell in my body is angry at me right now.

...and he manages to make it home without squeezing one...

...and he waits for the girl to pass...

...and her fingernails weren't chewed down to the nub.

...and I wasn't paying any attention, and I think I must have hit some sand...

...and kids' drawings on the fridge, you know?

...and large mouth vaginae?

...and play back some of the more acrobatic highlights...

...and she left, like, a little pool of drool...

...and the next thing you know, I'm running into a pole.

...and they begin to believe that if not for you...

...and this flabby asshole...

...and women only like me for three months at a time.

...and you don't know if she's gonna stop you.

...and your main generator drops out?

...back when he fired the holes in there.

...banging all the women there.

...because I'm safe on this side of the counter routine's gonna get you hurt.

...because of some bullshit agreement you had with your wife?

...because their little necks don't have They're just kind of like

...because when I look at you, my wiener doubles in size.

...before I do the whole marriage trip, you know?

...but he's gonna give some make believe genie 6 G's'?

...but it didn't really bother me. it actually felt good.

...but my wife gave me this one time deal where I get to be with another woman.

...but then you gotta do it to your kid? Look at that little:

...but we were only in there for two minutes before your boss went ballistic.

...can we please just never, ever talk about what happened this week?

...for a weekend, hmm?

...from the show I'm about to put on for you.

...he wasn't noticing me anymore.

...I bring you four new bottles. Not two, four...

...I could help you cross that off. To sleep with a married guy.

...I really like you.

...I was talking to Judy on the drug hotline most of last night.

...I'll be waiting right here to answer any questions.

...I've thrown my back out where it's, like, the thing where you

...I've thrown my back out where it's, like, the thing where you

...if her lips weren't shaking...

...instead of bringing girls back to your home with the kids' pictures all taped up.

...it's probably because I kind of was.

...knowing our husbands are out chasing tail all over town.

...let's make fun of the dorky suburban guy..

...make landfall.

...might scare off potential ladies though, huh?

...my mother?

...not because they have to out of some sense of duty.

...on your avant garde piece of crap short film, you're gonna need a job.

...or is it gonna be somebody he met that day or Missy Frankinopoulos?

...or slept in any of the beds this week...

...or slept in any of the beds this week...

...or, like, see Kathy Griffin in concert.

...out of just pure desire...

...Rick and Fred had the week off from marriage...

...rub and tug... tea bag...

...she's giving you the opportunity to live yours.

...so he's been racking on the couch and, you know...

...so I just cleaned the windows and left early.

...so I snuck out to the car, rubbed one out.

...so I wouldn't wanna do anything to hurt her feelings.

...so I'm thinking it could speed up the process.

...so remind me again, who are we married to?

...so that it seems like he couldn't help but notice her ass. it's pathetic.

...take my girl and then get away with it?

...that I should be greeting him at the door like some hero.

...that if you constantly tell someone they can't do something...

...that the girls have been going to some minor league games.

...that this 40 hour week motherfucking soccer dad took my girl...

...then the whole concept is dead.

...they are so paralyzed with fear they bolt back into the house.

...they could be with these other women.

...they'll start thinking that we need them to get laid.

...this could never be more than what it just was.

...this internet dating thing is.

...to help you out, let you know you're in the clear.

...to sell them insurance, who do you think they'd rather see?

...we just fake everything.

...what about the shiny new set of cans on Mandy?

...what wouldn't I pay?

...when she wakes up next to Fred with his sleep apnea mask on.

...when you got back home?

...while I give the babysitter a ride home?

...who really wants to be with me...

...whose husband decides he's gonna take a week off?

...with a broken ticker when she finds out I'm a one time carnival ride.

...with the cayenne pepper and all that shit. You will never have to shovel snow again.

...you use your hands instead, and then you make loud slurping noises.

'Cause I 'll take any risk

'Cause I 'll take any risk