My Fellow Americans (1996) Edit

A few minutes ago...

A funny thing happened on the way to the hotel tonight.

A funny thing happened...

A man by the name of Gutzon Borglum carved it.

A million people come to the White House every year.

A muscle spasm.

A wet dream?

About eight to ten hours.

Actually, we've met before...

After all the scandals and the party politics and all the bull...

After all the scandals and the party politics and all the bull...

After all we did, you still don't trust me?

After going through this whole thing...

After that bike ride, I'm changing my position on an important issue.

After we drop you off...

Again, we apologize, but those boys from the Department of the Interior...

Agent Wilkerson.

All I care is that chopper's not for us.

All right.

All right.....

All that was done at my request.

All these old guys want to stay in the game, but they don't have it.

And how is Mrs. Douglas?

And how is my favorite TV newsperson?

And I don't have the slightest clue what Olympia is?

And I hope this doesn't scare you away from golf.

And I'm confident that we'll be here...

And it's not in the National Archives, it's in my presidential library in Ohio.

And Sammy's so skinny.

And so I can get just a little taste of...

And so it appears the American people have spoken.

And so...

And that's what I'm doing now. I'm doing what I promised.

And that's what I'm doing now. I'm doing what I promised.

And they shimmy

And we lost our home...

And Wilkerson, call the press.

And you wonder why the Democrats are in trouble.

And...

Another out of state license plate.

Anything you really like, I can get it for you at cost.

Are the rest areas conveniently located and well maintained?

Are we willing to let that happen?

Are you cold?

Are you coming out?

Are you crazy? We can't go public without evidence.

Are you kidding me?

Are you ready for the tour?

Are you saying that I took a kickback.?

Are you talking about me?

Are you them?

Are you working on your book?

As a way of saying Thank you...

As I recall just the two of us were there.

As I remember, we sat around talking about golf most of the time.

As usual, a Republican comes up with a plan while the Democrat...

At least you can admit it.

Aye, Macarena!

Be glad I'm not Gerry Ford. We would be lying at the bottom of the stairs.

Because if we lose that...

Because it's such a great sport.

Because we're presidents.

Before we check out, do you want me to steal the little shampoos?

Before we go in...

Besides they wouldn't.

Better her than me, Carl.

Better you're eating them. I'm dieting.

Big difference. Two...

Bingo.

Bobby didn't say anything about presidents.

Break it.

Bring it down.

Bring...it...down!

But a defense contractor's prepared to say he paid Kramer off.

But blacks are so good at many sports.

But how is that different from what you're doing?

But I guess we have no choice. We did everything we could.

But I'll never be like Kramer...

But nobody knows it was all just a big facade.

But on some level...

But thank you.

But the financial benefits have been fantastic.

But ultimately...

But you know something, somewhere out there there's another fool.

But you ordered the cover up.

But you're both...

But, unlike other political scandals of the past...

But...

Buy a new speech, Russell.

Call Douglas's and Kramer's families.

Call her?

Can anyone make that one out?

Carl, I'm in a very tough spot here.

Carl, my ClA buddies were clueless about what you're up to...

Change of plans. Mr. Kramer and Mr. Douglas are going to Washington.

Charlie Reynolds is the frigging guy who says I took the kickback.

Charlie Reynolds.

Charlie, old buddy!

Chef's log: October 14th, lunch, Oval Office...

Chet, could you...?

Chopper?

Cleveland, Ohio.

CNN's set up near the park. Maybe you should put this on.

Come along. This is going to be fun for you.

Come here

Come in, you in the back.

Come on in.

Come on in.

Come on, let's go.

Come on, what's going on here?

Come on.

Come on.

Congratulations.

Cool.

Could you focus, please!

Count!

Daddy's home.

Damn it, he's not going to get away with it. We'll go public.

Damn it.

Damn vein.

Damn!

Damn!

Damn.

Dear Mr. President: My name is Kathleen Taylor.

Diaper Patrol, Matt.

Did Lincoln?

Did Reagan foxtrot with a frigging panda?

Did Washington write about wooden teeth?

Did you drop that?

Did you hear that?

Did you hear that?

Did you see that?

Do I have a choice?

Do me a favor. Put el socko in it.

Do the jitterbug out in Muskrat land

Do what you want, but when the NSA shows up, we'll know who gave us away.

Do you have any idea what you're talking about?

Do you know who those two guys are? They're presidents.

Do you smell food?

Don't be a frigging fool.

Don't be a moron, Charlie! You're saying you offered me a kickback...

Don't ever get a divorce, Charlie. I swear, half the time...

Don't forget, these woods are your heritage.

Don't hide who you really are. Be brave. Here

Don't make a scene.

Don't mind him. He's just cranky...

Don't say frigging. If you must use the F word, go for the gold.

Don't shoot a gun in a confined area! You want to deafen us.

Don't you fall into the trap. Democrats are full of crap.

Don't you worry, Rita. He'll be just fine.

Douglas disappeared too.

Douglas, this thing stops in Akron...

Drop the bag. Hands behind your back.

Dulls the senses.

During my years here, a butler told me about a secret door in this room

Eighty million.

Either Haney would be assassinated...

Either way, he goes down.

Enjoy them and protect them.

Ernesto. What's yours?

Every 500 feet they stop to take another damn picture.

Everyone in this country has a gun.

Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.

Everyone will get an autograph.

Excuse me, Dad. Did you want a drink?

Excuse me, got a minute?

Excuse me, my salad's getting cold.

Excuse me, sirs. I'm Agent Kopeck, in charge of the White House detail.

Excuse me! I don't know my way ... around Kramer World.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Farm equipment! I knew that damn broad was trouble.

Figured I was working alone.

Flag them down.

For that story, we take you to correspondent Kaye Griffin.

For the last time, I'm telling everything I know.

For truth

Fruit juice, honey.

Funny thing, isn't it?

Gather around everyone. The tour's about to begin.

Gentlemen...

Get in the damn car!

Get in.

Get it out.

Get me the name of that contractor. You must dig that up.

Get off the horse!

Get out!

Get that light.

Give me a break.

Give me a second.

Give me a sip.

Give me that.

Give me the gun.

Go on, get going! Shoo! Shoo!

Go on.

Go to hell.

Go to the press.

Go!

God, anybody but him.

God, I do miss Rita. Greatest cook the White House ever had.

God, that felt good.

Good afternoon, sirs. Colonel Paul Tanner, NSA.

Good going.

Good morning.

Good morning.

Good to see you.

Good to see you.

Good. Did you get me one?

Grab me a towel, will you?

Great job, Douglas. Oh, God, it's Ben.

Great.

Guest quarters.

Guy looks like a cop.

Hail to the Chief, if you don't I'll have to kill you.

Ham and cheese omelettes. $6.95 each. What...?

Haney had to spin dry the kickback money.

Haney needed to spin dry the kickback money. That's how Olympia came in.

Haney's behind all this.

Haney's chief of staff. That son of a bitch.

Hang on!

Hang tight.

Have a pick if you like.

Have you ever met the real President Kramer?

Have you found it yet?

He damn near got away with it.

He didn't know anything about it.

He goes around building homes for poor people with his own hands.

He is the Chief, so everybody hail like crazy.

He just left.

He kilt him a bear when he was only three.

He learned from the master.

He lives outside of D.C. in Chevy Chase.

He stopped Colonel Tanner.

He wasn't too friendly now, was he?

He wrote a cookbook How dare he?

He's dead.

He's not, so he'll be okay. Let's get out of here.

He's sending me to another funeral.

Hear about what?

Hello, baby.

Hello, sirs.

Hence the name.

Here I come, fighting back from behind

Here it is.

Here we are.

Here you go.

Here, here.

Here. Take this.

Here's half. You owe me.

Hey, a hat.

Hey, everybody.

Hey, good buddy! God bless America!

Hi. I'm Matt Douglas. This is President Kramer.

Highlight of my day. Who cares about the damn Dutch anyway?

His nose is bigger.

How about that.

How about this?

How are you doing?

How are you?

How dare you?

How do you expect your son to respect history?

How do you explain us being here? Are we both dead?

How much is that piece of pie?

How much longer to Cleveland?

How'd you find us here?

How'll we contact the library?

However...

Hurry up with the ice.

Hurry up!

Hurry up.

I almost forgot.

I already did. Chief Justice Rehnquist just swore me in.

I already got them.

I always admired you.

I am one cheap son of a bitch.

I am the Chief.

I assure you...

I believe the deceased was a Republican.

I believe this is yours.

I better get over there and give our friend moral support.

I better take my medication.

I can't believe I just did it with Matt Douglas.

I can't right now Davy. But, here. See, take this and run along.

I can't see! Get it out!

I can't.

I come to this country with those fellows.

I could be dead soon. I won't need it.

I did. It's a crock and we both know it.

I didn't build the damn tunnel

I didn't do much.

I didn't order a sandwich.

I didn't think he was that smart.

I didn't want to call anyone, but you're the only person I trust.

I don't believe it.

I don't believe this it's madness. You know what gives me the red ass?

I don't care. Did Jefferson dance with a bear?

I don't care. I'm going.

I don't give a damn if the phone is tapped.

I don't know about that

I don't know what you talking about.

I don't know, Carl. That's tricky stuff.

I don't know.

I don't like this.

I don't like to interrupted while on the bike. What's going on?

I don't miss anything. I don't live in the past.

I don't need to hear Russell Kramer saying the words, wet dream.

I don't need you helping me.

I don't think I can stand to listen to you for another second.

I don't think you are.

I don't think you can help.

I don't understand it.

I don't want to wear this I'm a Houston fan

I either get the son of a bitch I hate...

I feel dirty.

I find that sad.

I find writing very gratifying. I must.

I found Haney. He's on the South Lawn.

I got a chunk of purple mountain majesty up my ass.

I got elected President of the United States.

I guess that's all she wrote.

I guess, but are we sure it's official?

I had a few as a kid.

I had the White House kitchen staff track every meal.

I hate funerals It's awful when another good Democrat passes on.

I hate that song.

I have always believed that dreams...

I have it.

I have nothing to say to you We can still talk

I have the appointment log right in front of me.

I heard that in your last year in office you took a very generous...

I hope so, Matt.

I hope this works.

I hope you don't mind my asking, but how was he? Any good?

I just remembered. A young lady gave me an envelope for you.

I just want to get out of here. I'm calling my wife.

I knew that, didn't I?

I know I can.

I know you and Charlie were friends but he's in over his head.

I know your people, the black people...

I know, follow me.

I know.

I know. There's nothing to worry about.

I know. Why isn't he in the postal service where he belongs?

I learned from the master.

I made up words to Hail to the Chief. I sing them to myself when I hear it.

I made up words too.

I make this up as I go along.

I may have to call the department, tell them when to expect us.

I met him once. Haney brought him into the office for lunch.

I miss you too.

I must go find a john.

I must pull over.

I needed a cup of coffee.

I never did it for money.

I never ordered anyone to kill you.

I never touch alcohol.

I only had 50 cents.

I owe you?

I said it was on the house, old man.

I see your name, Charles Reynolds' name, and at the bottom...

I send Caldwell to the archives...

I speak Spanish fluently...

I stayed in bed for a week and a half after they voted me out.

I think I hear people.

I think I'll stop there...

I think it was a great service you did for your country.

I think that's what I'll call it from now on.

I think the ladies' tour likes their payers to be more masculine.

I think the military can definitely use some of those gals.

I think you're awesome.

I think you're doing a great job too.

I thought Diane Sawyer was.

I thought he was a good president.

I told you I was thinking about running again. Just thinking.

I trust you.

I try four times already. I love this country.

I used this thing for a couple of midnight rendezvous.

I want this resolved tonight.

I want to get back on the road.

I was finally getting used to him. Now I must start all over again.

I was pushed.

I was there recently for a dinner.

I was thinking...

I was Time's Man of the Year.

I wonder what they'd pay me if I tattooed their logo on my ass.

I'd be doing better if I had your blueberry muffins.

I'd like to help you, Joe, but I'm not getting involved.

I'll call Kaye and by noon Washington will be up to its knees in Olympia.

I'll call Kaye Griffin.

I'll check...

I'll do it.

I'll give you anything you want.

I'll go home, kiss my wife, take a shower and go to bed for a month.

I'll just kill you.

I'll look for the exhibit in your library.

I'll look into it.

I'll never forget this one girl

I'll stay near Hayne. As soon as you get them, call me.

I'll take your watch.

I'll talk.

I'll talk... I like to talk.

I'll wake up screaming every night.

I'm a politician's wife. I have a set of my own.

I'm about to go on television and reluctantly accept my charge.

I'm afraid a situation's come up.

I'm bringing Witnaur with us. Learn from the master.

I'm Charles Reynolds' secretary.

I'm convinced that it's for the nation's good...

I'm Francis.

I'm getting a cramp.

I'm glad to see you.

I'm hot.

I'm hungry. Give me one of those Tootsie Rolls you've got.

I'm involved? What about you? You were sitting in a dead man's car.

I'm just kidding.

I'm just...

I'm not ashamed to say it, I slept with both those guys.

I'm not coming out. He is.

I'm not even sure about the dosage but...

I'm not letting go either.

I'm not trying to.

I'm on a fact finding mission from the Department of the interior.

I'm out of money. Lend me five bucks for a burger.

I'm over here.

I'm pretty sure. He sent Marine One for us.

I'm proud to be attached to you.

I'm showing him how you got elected.

I'm so sorry and I'm so embarrassed.

I'm sorry about that, sir.

I'm sorry I couldn't do that.

I'm sorry things are tough.

I'm sorry, sir. I have no idea what you're talking about.

I'm sorry. I've been. instructed to maintain radio silence.

I'm sorry. Look, if we left.....

I'm sure it's a bit overwhelming for you to meet us like this.

I'm telling you, it was Tanner. This guy is out of control.

I'm the Democratic Chairman. We need your help.

I'm trying to stay alert.

I'm with Kramer.

I'm writing it, cause I don't know what else to do.

I'm your editor. Keep in mind, I'm supposed to be critical.

I'm your favorite?

I've actually thought about playing professionally.

I've been getting them lately. I'm terribly sorry.

I've been playing the game. I can't play it anymore.

I've written seven books on my years at the helm.

If I can ride 300 miles at top speed holding onto a lesbian's midsection...

If I have to listen to you bitch, I'll beat you to death with my shoe!

If I hear so much as one word, you'll be the first to know.

If it is I'll give you a big kiss on the lips.

If the meeting took place in the Oval Office...

If the meeting took place in the Oval Office...

If we can get ourselves seen on TV everyone will know...

If we do get to Haney.

If we go public, there'll be another cover up.

If we hadn't spent 30 years hating each other's guts...

If we left now, we could get there by early morning.

If you told us how important the mission was...

If you're in my car, you're produce.

If you're seriously considering running again, you'll need ours.

Immigration and Naturalization Service.

In a few miles we hit 77.

In conclusion, I'd like to say that...

In my coat.

Interesting game. You're playing pretty tough.

Is he healthy?

Is it possible Kramer and Douglas are in on this together?

Is that President Kramer holding a gun on a naked guy in a blindfold?

Is this a joke or what?

Isn't this fun?

It could work.

It has been described as one of the most vicious presidential races...

It just seems that It's very embarrassing.

It means a lot.

It stinks, right?

It was a front company.

It was a panda, sir.

It was a struggle between life and death.

It was a struggle for democracy.

It was being out of the White House that Katherine couldn't stand.

It was like a wet dream with a crust.

It was like a wet dream with a crust.

It was pretty bad.

It was seven years ago.

It went over well with the rest of the country.

It'll perk me up.

It's $1.99.

It's a nice night to walk to Ohio.

It's a part of the game.

It's a pleasure to meet ya!

It's already been discussed.

It's amazing.

It's amazing.

It's an honor.

It's because you can't get into the nice clubs, the restricted ones.

It's been a while, but I think the way out is down to the left.

It's good to see you too, Joe. We could use a little help out here.

It's helped me get to my new home.

It's my duty to officially serve you with a subpoena.

It's not there?!

It's okay, Chet.

It's on the house.

It's our butts if we let them out of sight.

It's part of the deal.

It's shameful.

It's spooky. He really looks like him.

It's the North Lawn. We're on the other side of where we want to be.

It's time, sir.

It's wanting to jump around.

It's wonderful to see an American family out...

Jesus Christ!

Jesus.

Jim's black sir.

Jim's off today. I'm Bruce.

Joe DiMaggio. That was a thrill.

Joe said you can't get past Tanner.

Just don't. Just don't help me.

Just get out of the chopper.

Just know how to make a girl get all gooey inside.

Just one moment.

Just stop.

Just the two of us? Are you sure about that?

Kaye Griffin called today.

Keep on trucking!

Keep out of sight.

Keep whistling and I'll put a depression in your skull.

Kevin, run, throw this in the trash for Mama, okay?

Kevin, run, throw this in the trash for Mama, okay?

Kramer and Douglas broke into Witnaur's house and kidnapped him.

Kramer's office cancelled all of his appointments.

Ladies gentlemen President Matthew Douglas.

Lakers? I thought we were sold in Los Angeles.

Land this contraption or I'll blow your head off!

Let him come ahead.

Let's avoid a possible embarrassment, okay?

Let's face it, Douglas. We're dead.

Let's get one thing straight.

Let's go.

Let's go. Gather around.

Let's hear your version, Gershwin.

Let's pick up the pace. The older folks are dragging us down.

Let's stop talking. We're about to bond. I'll vomit

Let's talk about popularity.

Let's talk.

Lf I have to get a hearing aid after this, I'm sending you the bill.

Lie down, you're dead and you don't know it.

Lieutenant Fleming...

Like you me. I'll announce it.

Lincoln's mixed up with Washington. Roosevelt, with Davy Crockett.

Listen, get in touch with the CIA contacts.

Listen, I'm sorry.....

Look, Joanna...

Look...

Looks like Haney's involved in this Kramer kickback story.

Looks like Tanner's been getting his orders from Haney.

Lots of people have seen them.

Lt is pretty stinky. Sorry.

Lucky for you we came along when we did. You were in a bad way.

Major...

Mandela was a great man, but he couldn't sing.

Marksmen, intruders, North Lawn. This is Tanner going to intercept.

Matt Douglas.

Maybe if you make a scary face.....

Maybe it's good that we white folk have a sport you guys aren't so good at.

Maybe this'll help you get where you have to go.

Maybe we don't agree with them.

Maybe you weren't involved in Charlie's death...

Maybe.

Miss Airhead at your service.

Mom, the Presidents are squishing me!

Money!

Money. For you.

Most people would've given up.

Move, old man.

Moving that house was a bitch.

Mr. President, hello.

Mr. President?

Mr. President...

Mr. President...

Mr. Presidents, please hush up.

Mr. Presidents, please!

Mr. Presidents, stop!

Mr. Reynolds has disappeared. I don't know who to turn to.

Mr. Reynolds would appreciate your signing this for his daughter.

Mr. Reynolds...

Mr. Vice President, this way.

Mrs Sherman told me Charlie had a favorite song.

Muskrat Sam

My books, personal appearances, I do them so people still know I'm here.

My coat. They think he's me.

My ex wife.

My God, did he put on a spread! Those little chicken livers wrapped...

My God! How will we do this?

My God.

My honest opinion. lf this matter isn't taken care of immediately...

My Lord and Taylor!

My love.

My margin of loss would've been staggering.

My orders didn't mention Camp David.

Nelson Mandela

Never mind.

Nice amber waves.

Nice horsey.

Nice job not pissing her off.

Nice work, Russell.

Nine months after he took the oath of office...

No dancing with animals.

No disrespect, sir, but you're in my car.

No fair peeking.

No kidding.

No need for concern it's only me, the twisted psycho.

No sharing tips. it's every man for himself until we get to Cleveland.

No way, sleazebag.

No, another one.

No, Chet...

No, I made a career of doing enough.

No, I never ordered anyone to kill him.

No, it doesn't I would never

No, it's not. Our sources tell us Haney's shifting the blame.

No, Mr. President.

No, no. I've always supported gay rights.

No, not me, Kaye.

No, sir.

No, sir. Not on my shift.

No, you can't call.

No, you do yours, then I'll sing mine.

No? I sang mine.

No. I can't shake right now.

Nobody rides for free. Cost you 50 bucks.

Not a good place to be.

Not really.

Not really. It's not a natural wonder

Not so fast, Carl. Slow down.

Not that I mind, because when it blows, my party's going to be in.

Not that I'd run again...

Not to worry anybody, but you might want to make a run for it.

Not twice.

Nothing exciting. Farm equipment.

Now I'll do something for it... get you out!

Now is this impressive or what?

Now let's rock and roll...

Now Reynolds is getting ready to release an affidavit saying...

Now that I think of it there is an extra bonus to this.

Now that's better.

Now the Democrats can offer you immunity if you give us the name.

Now we'll need to see some identification, please.

Now what the hell are they doing? Get out of here!

Now you can go home to Cleveland for a well deserved rest.

Now you figure that out!

Now you know. I enjoy spending time with dead men.

Now you take this.

Now, come on, who took the kickback?

Now, look, I know we have a deal...

Now. The people have spoken.

Occasionally we. use this as a shortcut to the Oval Office.

Oh, and...

Oh, baby.

Oh, boy.....

Oh, Christ.

Oh, cork it. It's not the end of the world.

Oh, God!

Oh, God. Did you have to do that?

Oh, great.

Oh, hey, by the way...

Oh, my God he's squeezing my breast again.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! What the hell?

Oh, my!

Oh, my! is this for real?

Oh, my. Oh, my.

Oh, yes, sir.

Oh, you got to be kidding.

Oh, you're kidding.

Okay, all right. I admit I used the office.

Okay, folks, please step back. Form a line

Okay, shall we?

Okay, where were we?

Okay. I got one.

Old man?!

Old man.

Olympia?

On our shift!

On your command, sir.

One of America's greatest natural wonders, son.

One, two, three.

One... I never did anything illegal.

Only a few unfortunate deaths...

Open the gate!

Our country. Get your facts straight.

Our dreams are like children. They need to be nurtured.

Our dreams are like our children.

Our home phones, office phones.....

Our home.

Over their dead bodies.

Over there!

Pardon? Are you honestly saying that Russell P. Kramer can be bought?

Pennsylvania Avenue's almost clear.

Phone's dead.

Play with me.

Please get out of our car.

Please get out of our car.

Please God, don't let him quote lyrics.

Please, if you're going to use the F word, go for the gold.

Pleasure. Good. Congrats.

Poor President Haney.

Preparing for our funeral.

Preserve, protect and defend.

Preserve, protect and defend.

President Douglas just conceded. I'd say that's a good sign.

President Douglas?

President Douglas.

President Douglas...

President Haney must meet with the both of you as quickly as possible.

President Kramer and President Douglas were reportedly on board.

President Kramer?

President Kramer?

President Matthews.

Presidents of what?

Press secretary's already apologized for any confusion.

Prick.

Pull over, Wayne.

Put up the checkpoints for ten miles around the crash site.

Reagan has one, and now Shamu, the killer hick, has the other.

Really? You don't need to.

Repositioning to the south.

Research room is down that way.

Respectfully sir, I can't do that. My orders are classified.

Reynolds sounds shaky.

Right now my attitude is...

Right now, we must get to that ceremony.

Right. Let me ask you...

Run after them, I'll cut them off.

Running together as independents are ex Presidents Kramer and Douglas.

Russell, please.

Russell...

Same difference.

Sandwich boy.

Screw you.

Search teams are speeding to the area.

See if they can find out what this is about.

Señores...

Shall we greet the nation Mr. Vice President elect.

She Later.

She is. How is she?

She said she was a friend from Washington.

She said she was a friend from Washington.

She was a stewardess.

She was also a contortionist.

She's ready to report that Douglas and Kramer have disappeared...

Shut up.