Eddie Murphy Raw (1987) Edit

A birthday feast for my father.

A Slinky, a Slinky A wonderful, wonderful toy

A Slinky, a Slinky They're fun for a girl and a boy

Afro gotta be fucked up

After all the shit I did...

After they see Rocky, they come out of the theater charged.

Ain't no green peppers at McDonald's.

Ain't no man gonna tell me where I can go.

Ain't nobody gonna move after they seen you kick this dude's ass.

All of a sudden they was like, State your case.

All right, Rock O! Rock O!

All the things I did for that motherfucker, he do this to me?

All three of us, like the Three Stooges, Your Honor.

All we gonna do is talk?

All women have a skeleton in the closet.

All women have done something that only them

All you hear is shit, ass, shit, shit.

American women are all off into this romance

American women stick together. Last thing they wanna see

And $1 50 million? Get...

And a big, fucked up Afro!

And a box of Juji Fruits rammed up his ass. He's not gonna make it.

And adults stand around going, That slob gonna break?

And all of a sudden, a dude named Dexter walks up.

And all they got is the curses.

And another person knows about. All women have one skeleton.

And at the end of the fight, everybody sued me.

And beat the shit out of their kids.

And both of y'all be dribbling. You be like:

And Brooke Shields is the whitest woman in America.

And cannons blared and the mountains crumbled

And clench up and break the shit in half.

And dumb ****as going, Yeah, what does he mean, we figured them out?

And everybody's real romantic. The motion of the ocean

And faggots were mad. They were like...

And find me some crazy, naked, zebra bitch...

And fire shoot out your dick?

And give me another box of Juji Fruits.

And grabbed that boy and started going:

And had an ass like this:

And have to give somebody $2.50, you'd be upset.

And have to give up $1 50 million?

And have to wash your dick in the sink and all that shit.

And he has seen Rocky too.

And he just thought it was... He should call me up, because he was Bill,

And he says, 'Mother, please, money.'

And he says, 'Pop, the man comes out and says these things.'

And he still fools around. Why? I cook, I clean, I fuck.

And he swung around my back

And he walks up and I say, 'What are you smiling about?'

And hello, New York City!

And help her get some clothes.

And his brother woke up, jump on top of my boy and started kicking his ass.

And his wife was on the other page and she was like this:

And I ate it all, Eddie!

And I can't do the shit. lt's shitty.

And I don't give a fuck if the motherfucking house is burning down.

And I don't wanna go through... Why are you doing this...?

And I got mad.

And I gotta eat a goddamn Slinky?

And I know I've thrown my dick on the crap table many a night.

And I know you go to the movies and you go to get the ice cream

And I picture this is going on, my pops is home like this, drunk:

And I saw Johnny Carson on the front page.

And I saw this and my eyes were sprained,

And I say to my child, I say, 'Child...'

And I say, I never said no 'filth, flarn, filth'.

And I was like, Now, that's pussy control for you, there.

And I was like, Yeah.

And I was petrified. I would walk at parties and people say:

And I was scared, because y'all seen Mr. T.

And I'm gonna bring her home and lock her up in the house.

And I'm quite sure she knew.

And if there was no Hot Wheels, we used Johnny Lightning.

And if there was no Johnny Lightning, we ripped up a Hula Hoop

And if you gonna let a fuck come between our love,

And if you mess with Ed, you be dead.

And it hangs this far to the ground. And it won't break.

And it won't be no siren, it'll be a real fag sitting on the roof going:

And it won't. The wind can blow that slob:

And it would be an asset to us, as American men,

And it's no fun to get your ass kicked in a Twister mat.

And it's the best you ever had in your life.

And Japanese women are the most docile women on the planet.

And Jimmie Walker? And your lips? And you shot...

And kids are honest.

And ladies... Now, here's a woman right here saying, Right on.

And leave me in the kitchen with some bush bitch with an attitude.

And let me have some Bon Bons.

And long slob... When little kids cry,

And lovers await the break of day

And made enough food for 1 3 people to feast on

And make a big meatball and put it in the middle of this frying pan.

And men hear all that shit and we be like this, OK.

And men see those tears and we be, OK.

And mix the egg in and put paprika and all this shit in it

And Mr. T was gonna fuck Ed up. He was...

And my ego said, What was that?!

And never tell you. lt's her little secret.

And one chunk come back.

And one little pebble shit come out.

And one of them picks with a fist in the back.

And over her head it said, Johnny's wife wants half Johnny's money.

And punched me in the mouth...

And put that around our waist. But we went to school, goddamn it.

And roll one of them big ass Bahama joints.

And saw two ******s fighting two white guys.

And say, Here, Johnny. I made $ 70, put that with the rest.

And send your woman off to the romantic Bahamas by herself?

And she be like this:

And she go, I got hamburger meat at home.

And she go:

And she gotta be butt naked, because if she got clothes,

And she sing in Spanish too, Lillian: En my casa, I... Yo vivo aqui

And she won't do anything, it's a trap.

And she'd make it and put it in the middle of square Wonder Bread.

And she's cooking up the food, man. She's cooking it up.

And she's got a bowl.

And slap her in the face, Your Honor.

And sparks shot out the woman's ass

And Stallone have y'all white people pumped, especially ltalians.

And talk and act and walk and do everything like Richard.

And tell me that he did... About what comedy is all about.

And that pain is worse, because it don't set in for, like, ten seconds.

And that's when one of my boys jumped over the table

And the candy and the flowers and the anklets and the bracelets

And the cars would come rushing across town. lt'd be:

And the character on the show ain't too bright.

And the child says to me:

And the child walks in the room with the smile

And the dude did like this, Come on!

And the lion said, No, you can't.

And the most business smart women on the planet. Now, in the '80s.

And the ******'s gonna pay for it.

And the other kids got McDonald's.

And the public believed it.

And the rules say 'No phone and no outside.'

And the shit don't work out and you break up a year later.

And their man get real cold, saying shit like:

And their mother think you talking baby talk.

And then afterwards you be like this, I can't believe I fucked this bitch.

And then he kicked him in the ding ding.

And then he started peeing on the lion's head.

And then you change the shit around. Right, guys?

And they genuinely fall in love with you.

And they get HBO and they catch Delirious

And they got married, broke up, shit didn't work out.

And they make you wait. And you wait and wait and wait and wait.

And they stomp you in the nuts with both feet.

And they wasn't even married but ten years.

And they were... There's nothing like having a nation of fags looking for you.

And this ****** took her to the Grammys, nobody said shit.

And throw a monkey wrench in your whole program.

And told me I was too dirty. Richard said:

And we hear all that shit, then be, OK.

And we so stupid,

And when Bill Cosby chastises you, you forget you grown.

And when you shit, that water splash up on your ass?

And while you in there, get me a green pepper and a onion. And you say:

And white guys will go, Hey, I didn't know about your job.

And white people can't dance.

And white people, y'all step on each other's feet.

And women love them songs. They be going:

And y'all be trying. Y'all be really...

And y'all know Bob be preaching this shit:

And y'all put up with it.

And you build 300 million together, you deserve half.

And you cry.

And you don't get a contract and get married without one

And you go, Fuck you, bitch!

And you got big, pink fingerprints in the dough.

And you got green peppers and grease running down your hand.

And you hear their stomach going:

And you just keep on waiting, you just wait and finally she gives you some.

And you look like Jimmie Walker? Oh, that'd do it.

And you not supposed to let a phone ring for a half hour.

And you roll over one day and be like:

And you say, You want me to go with you?

And you standing there with this big house burger.

And you think you are in control of your shit.

And you try to put some ketchup on it and it mixes with the grease,

And you want that burger when you get older.

And you're listening to this shit and I turned it...

And your mother ain't supposed to hear,

And your mother say, Now, go on outside and play.

And your relationship changes from that moment.

Any woman can get any man she wants

Any woman that's ever had this done to her will agree what I'm gonna say.

Anything you say can and will be held against you.

Are we gonna go too far?

Are you gonna put a ring on this finger?

Are you...? You're not gonna answer it?

As long as it's a PG. I hate scary movies.

As much as that bread costs, don't tell me about Wonder Bread.

At about 5:00 in the morning, the child comes through the door.

At McDonald's, the meat is this thin. Your mother's shit is like this or fatter.

At the end of this picture, now, just between you and I,

At your mother's, the meat's right in the middle of the bread,

Baby, come on, now, please. She go, No, stop it. Stop it. Stop.

Baby, come on. Would you stop? Oh, stop. Can we please stop?

Baby, I am sorry. No, you're not sorry.

Baby, I love you. What have you done for me lately?

Baby, look. Whoa, hold on. Wait, we got to talk.

Baby, that's not fair. Not no 1 50 million.

Baby, wait, wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Be at a party, say, Hey, baby, come on, let's dance. See you later.

Be careful. Don't get trapped.

Because all I'm asking

Because everybody's fucking each other nowadays.

Because he is a man. lt has nothing to do with you.

Because he thought that was my whole act.

Because I ain't getting caught.

Because I know you wanna leave. That's why. I know you wanna leave.

Because I put the rules up. Like Diana Ross say,

Because I want to do my share. No.

Because I was in a discotheque talking to Deney Terrio from Dance Fever.

Because I'm bleeding, my lips are swollen,

Because I'm Ed

Because I'm into American women. I like American women.

Because my dick is a blowtorch, is what I'm trying to say.

Because my mother could cook her ass off.

Because New York is a tourist place,

Because she catered to his ego. They can figure us out.

Because that gets you out of a lot of fights.

Because that's all I had done at 1 5.

Because the movies are so emotional and so real,

Because the punch said:

Because the two don't match.

Because theoretically, that pussy's on lease.

Because they been raising hell all their life, now they shy.

Because they'll change her shit up.

Because we know we can act different as soon as you go:

Because y'all be... I really... I tell you, every time you see a black...

Because y'all believe that shit.

Because y'all know Brooke would get fucked that night.

Because you know you got to wipe your ass

Because you may have heard your woman make that noise

Because you waited five months for it.

Because you're hungry, bitch.

Because you're trying to trap... Guys, don't be hurt. She likes you.

Before we get married, why don't you sign this prenuptial agreement.

Boardwalk, Park Place, lllinois Avenue,

Bowed to me when I walked in.

Boy fell on the deck holding his eye,

Boy hit the deck. My boy jumps up and starts fucking this boy up

Bread is bread. Bring me that bread before I slap you.

Brothers got some dance. They be doing this with their heads.

Brothers sued me. Yo, man, the brothers came out and sued.

Brothers went to court, got educated on the judge.

But be careful, because you lose half on the trade in.

But I ain't making love to nobody. I get into bed...

But I told you a half hour ago, women are vindictive.

But I want McDonald's hamburger.

But I'm ltalian. Watch this. You watch this, all right?

But I'm waiting to get some candy and I'm gonna go see a movie.

But Johnny was 300 million in when they met.

But they do. There's not a woman...

But y'all don't do no moves, it's just this:

But you don't own her.

But you gotta be good looking too.

But you know what I mean when I say 'filth, flarn, flarn, flarn, filth'.

But you won't do anything. He say, Let's go.

But you're not... I don't give...

But, ladies, if you marry a man with $300 million,

Butt naked, and y'all gonna say, Eddie must be visiting Africa.

By herself to the Bahamas?

By herself to the Bahamas?

Can I have another one, please? Please, one more.

Can I talk to you for a minute?

Can't you see the kids are trying to put a show on there?

Change the subject, please.

Clocked that boy in his eye.

Come on, baby. Sing a song for Grandma.

Connecticut Avenue, Luxury Tax,

Could this be love? And be loved

Couldn't make it, he would call? No more of that shit. He heard you go:

Dexter St. Jock.

Dick swinging.

Dick threats. Y'all don't realize how sensitive nuts are, do you?

Did y'all see Delirious?

Didn't I always tell you, you reap what you sow? Yes.

Do not think for two seconds that you are the only one your man is fucking.

Do some rhyme with your name. That always scares white people.

Do y'all listen to the words or the beat?

Do you know you could take half his money? Did you know that?

Doing everything he tell you to do. You a human being.

Don't be fooled. They all have a skeleton in their closet.

Don't be talking about cutting off my dick.

Don't be... Look at the guys, looking at their women again like this:

Don't even dice it. Big chunks of green peppers and onion

Don't let the lights and cameras throw y'all.

Don't tell me 'nothing'. You had to do something.

Don't tell me you're not looking. I just saw you.

Don't think she won't. Don't think she won't.

Don't think, Maybe you're gonna put a trap on.

Don't you let them fool you.

Don't you never put your hands... Shut the fuck up.

Don't you put your hands on me, I'm gonna kick you where it hurts.

Don't you think for two seconds that if you keep breaking this woman's heart,

Dude said, Come on, that's the way I like it.

Dude's going, Yeah, how that happen?

Each day my mother would wake up and open 1 1 Twister games, Eddie.

Eddie, talk to your... Talk to Uhmfufu.

Eddie, what's wrong with you?

Eddie, why'd you shoot Jimmie Walker in his lips?

Eddie!

Eddie!

Eddie. Eddie.

Eddie. No... Eddie, then it's something that you did a long time ago.

Eddie. What do you mean, you don't remember what you did?

Ego said, Because you've got an image to uphold.

Especially if you got a business smart woman...

Even people that didn't fight sued me.

Even the little, sweet, innocent ones have something that only them

Eventually, your dick will fall off.

Every now and then I take a joke too far.

Every now and then you gotta whip somebody's ass,

Every time I hear the motherfucking Slinky song,

Everybody claimed I whipped their ass.

Everybody... Everybody is fucking and it really... lt's getting bad.

Everything is a question too. Hey, what am I, an asshole?

Except only I'm getting paid for the motherfucker.

Find somebody just as fucked up as you are and settle down.

Find somebody perfect for you.

First of all, I don't give a fuck who you are and what you have, OK?

First, you make your voice go up an octave

For my father for his birthday and I sat down and ate it all by myself.

For something you did a long time ago.

For, like, five hours and shit, right?

Fuck you and your pussy. Get the fuck out of my face.

Fuck you, Eddie.

Fuck your husband! That's it. That's... Just fuck your husband.

Fuck, there ain't no such thing as a loyal man, you lying motherfuckers.

Fucking melanzane laying on the floor, fucked up.

Fucks up the lyrics and thinks he's saying it right.

Get all the money you can, shit. I'm glad she did get all that money.

Get down, Lester, you is talking!

Get somebody you gonna be with forever.

Get the fuck out of here.

Get the fuck out of my face with that bullshit.

Get the fuck out of my face with that shit.

Get the fuck out, motherfucker...

Get the fuck... Don't you fucking touch me.

Get your shy ass away from me.

Getting a little crazy. That's why men don't like to handle babies.

Give it to me, now! Oh, shit. Herpes. I crapped out.

Give me a fucking break. What...? What...?

Give me half, Eddie. Give me half, Mr. Fuck you Man.

Go back home in style, girl. And get your hair done right.

Goddamn, that was delicious.

Goddamn, that's some fucked up shit.

Goddamn, that's the best cracker I ever ate in my life!

Good night. Suck my dick. Bye bye.

Goodnight. And you wait.

Got to be careful. They say having casual sex nowadays

Got to get married in the '80s. I read the papers.

Got to have a J O B lf you wanna be with me

Got to Have a J O B lf You Wanna Be With Me.

Got to have some money to get some pussy in the '80s.

Got to have some money. lt says, No romance without finance.

Green peppers hanging out of it and shit.

Guys, don't get trapped. We'll call them pussy traps.

Half!

Half!

Ham and cheese. I got a goddamn Silly Putty sandwich.

He breaks this big fucking ******'s face.

He busts it fucking wide open.

He comes in and he cracks the fucking moolie's hole like this.

He didn't tell you you were entitled to half?

He don't like you no more. But he still wants to fuck you.

He don't look like, you know, like he can't fight.

He falls on the ground. You know, you can really fucking do that.

He got busted coming out of another woman's house.

He had a tear in his eye and he said,

He has a different look on his face.

He is a man and has to conquer women.

He looks like he can whip some ass, right?

He might be this bad motherfucker behind closed doors.

He only told you half the story.

He probably got it in there with the turkey leg and the sweet potato pie.

He probably punched you for something you did

He said, That's a Japanese thing. They bow.

He take your woman to his house

He walk up swinging his dick.

He walks through the door, looking at me with this big smile,

He's a recluse. Behind closed doors, he might be completely different.

He's fucked up.

He's funny, but he's not that funny.

He's here, yes. Yes, it's him. Yes, it's him!

He's not gonna make it.

He's special. I mean, he's good, clean and wholesome.

Hello, suck this, and MF and kiss my big black stuff.

Hello? Shirley? Bitch, if you ever let my phone ring like this again...

Her Afro... Afro gotta... Like, Angela Davis see it and go:

Hey, baby, can you tell me some more jokes, please?

Hey, baby, what's going on? The rent, motherfucker.

Hey, baby, where you going?

Hey, baby, you need to get away more often.

Hey, little brother. Show me that little dance you all be doing.

Hey, paisan, you going in to see Rocky right now?

Hey, shut up. Don't you ever... I'll fucking kick your ass inside here.

Hey, you can't beat up the brothers. They jump in the fight.

Hey, you got a problem? You go, Yeah, motherfucker, I got a problem!

Hey, your woman is like this:

Hey.

Him and his fat bitch can kiss my ass!

His wife walked inside the house, opened up the bedroom door,

His woman saw him come out,

Hour later:

How to do it to you right, because when y'all find one,

I ain't dancing at the Loft because I had a fight recently

I ain't got to worry. As much as I love you,

I ain't no big guy, all right?

I ain't spent all my money for this, motherfucker!

I almost got fucked up.

I ate it all, Eddie, by myself. And my father came inside the kitchen,

I been a big fan of Bill Cosby all my life.

I been waiting three months. What's the problem?

I bust that ass on Mike. I was looking for him, but my manager said:

I called my mother's house, it was a Friday night,

I can't believe that motherfucker did this to me!

I can't believe you did this. You have no respect for me.

I can't even pee in the house, I burn my house down. I gotta go outside.

I can't go to San Francisco.

I can't travel the country freely no more.

I can't use the type of language that you use,

I come and go as he says. Why, why, why?

I did a lot of jokes about homosexuals a couple years ago

I didn't catch everything that you did. I worked all day, you played all day.

I didn't realize my mother was a good cook till after I moved out.

I do not handle the money in the house.

I do too. I love Bill Cosby's show.

I don't answer to my father, I ain't gonna answer to no man.

I don't care, Eddie. I am American woman now.

I don't give a fuck who you are or what you have, OK?

I don't give a fuck.

I don't give a fuck. I ain't getting on nobody.

I don't give a shit about either one of them.

I don't have sex because of my religious beliefs.

I don't know why my stomach is making that noise.

I don't know. You better lift up the window

I don't see no rings on your finger.

I don't wanna fuck no funny, ugly bitch and shit. I'd have me in the bed going:

I don't wanna fuck. I wanna make love.

I don't wanna ruin the surprise, but Sly wins this one again.

I don't wanna talk about the Richard Pryor.

I don't wanna talk about this stuff. I do wanna talk about this stuff.

I don't want shit from him or her and I don't care.

I enjoy Sylvester Stallone's movies too.

I even liked Best Defense.

I get into bed...

I got a friend got a Japanese girlfriend.

I got a friend got busted in his house, in his bed,

I got a joke to tell.

I got a lot of foreigners that come over.

I got foreigners from all over walking up, going:

I got one of those fathers who gets drunk and sings

I got the autograph for my girlie.

I gotta watch them eat peanut butter and jelly, bologna and Swiss,

I guess it's hard to find somebody that knows

I had a fight with an ltalian dude

I had just got over some shit. I go to parties...

I had shit, Eddie. Me and my brothers and sisters didn't have shit.

I hate shy women. I like extroverts, I like women with a sense of humor.

I hate shy... You know, those shy women,

I hate those shy bitches. They make me sick to my mother...

I have to give him money for a ticket.

I have yet... Even if the pussy was great

I hear some more shit, I'm gonna put this glove up your ass.

I kick him in his nuts. Always talking about kicking somebody in the nuts.

I know a lot of housewives sitting out there going:

I know a man got busted coming out of another woman's house.

I know all the girls do everything that you want.

I know brothers were like, Get the fuck out of here.

I know he used to do shit for you, but what has he done for you lately?

I know you spend a lot of your money on your woman.

I know you wanna leave me

I know you wanna leave.

I know you. I see you on television.

I like funny girls, funny women.

I like to go to supermarkets and watch mothers lose it

I live in Massachusetts with my wife, Camille, and my five children.

I looked right in your face!

I love it. Suck my dick, huh?

I love it. The best motherfucker. The 'fuck you' man.

I love that doo doo line. That boy's got talent.

I make love to you.

I mean, the physical act... I like to fuck somebody I'm in love with.

I need a green pepper and an onion and get me an egg out too.

I own myself. I am my own person.

I pay the bills for this motherfucker. I wanna drink something, I drink.

I pay the bills. I'm gonna answer the phone too?

I refuse to get caught out there. Fuck that.

I respect my parents. And we didn't have shit. Okay?

I said, Fuck this, I'm getting out.

I said, I ain't punching nobody.

I said, Security!

I said, That's it, I'm getting married. This is it. Gonna be me and her.

I said, What's wrong with your wife's back and shit?

I said, Yes. Do you get paid? I said, Yes.

I said, Yo, Richard, Bill Cosby just called me up

I say, 'Fuck that big nose motherfucker.

I say, 'Well, what did he say?'

I say, 'What did he do?'

I say, 'What did the man say on the stage?'

I say, 'Yo, what you want, me go over, get the motherfucker autograph?'

I say, I never said 'filth, flarn, filth'.

I see a lot of you good women sitting out there going:

I started having nightmares.

I tell him that you treat a woman like you like a princess.

I think playtime is over.

I thought I seen a bone in your shoe. Whose skeleton was that?

I thought that we go together.

I turned that shit back to Johnny.

I used to make before. You just come on home.

I walked in the house and his friend, Japanese girl,

I walked over and said, 'Yo, Ed, sign this autograph.'

I wanna talk about this, because if you fooled around,

I want hamburgers.

I want it to go too far. Come on now, baby.

I want the perfect woman, now. I want somebody with a mind,

I want to talk to you!

I want what's coming to me.

I want you to be happy. Well, what you want?

I wanted to be Richard so bad, I used to go out on stage when I was 1 5

I was at the Loft. You know why I ain't dancing at the Loft?

I was like, Hello, Mr. Cosby? And you hear:

I was outside peeing, dude tried to mug me,

I was pissed off. I was so mad I called Richard Pryor's house up.

I was so happy. And I went out and I went shopping.

I was standing there like this now.

I was stuck.

I was waking up in the middle of the night like this: Half!

I went out and found the perfect woman.

I went to a white disco recently and I watched the white people dance.

I will moonwalk all up and down your ass, motherfucker.

I would be so hurt, you know what I would do?

I would just leave. I don't wanna fight Mr. T.

I wouldn't fool around. Let's talk about the Richard Pryor.

I'd be at parties, hear he was looking for me,

I'd be at parties... There's always two or three at a party.

I'd be going, You ever, sometime, right, you get on that toilet

I'll bust your motherfucking ass too. Mind your motherfucking business.

I'll cook you one of them big old hamburgers

I'll kick you in the nuts. lt make you wince, be like:

I'll kick your fucking ass.

I'll make you a hamburger better than McDonald's.

I'll take a dick over a smile any day. Yes, I will.

I'll take half his shit!

I'll tell you why all men fool around.

I'm 5'1 0. I weigh 1 65 pounds. I can't whip a disco's ass by myself.

I'm a realist. But they'll tell you, I don't wanna fuck, I wanna make love.

I'm an actor, I ain't no fighter.

I'm going, No, I'm Ed. I just had a fight.

I'm gonna go beat up the fool that told me them lies.

I'm gonna keep rolling. I got one more roll in me.

I'm gonna keep rolling. This is my last roll.

I'm gonna kick their ass?

I'm gonna settle your problem, motherfucker!

I'm gonna smack one of you now, you hear?

I'm gonna take the old rules off and put new rules up.

I'm gonna walk up and say, Hey, how you doing? My name's...

I'm having some problems with my boyfriend,

I'm looking forward to seeing him in that leather suit.

I'm not making an Egg McMuffin. I don't know what no Egg McMuffin is.

I'm not saying they're perfect people. I'm saying we ain't perfect.

I'm sorry, she will listen to your story. And that's the truth.

I'm standing on the corner,

I'm tired of people messing with me.

I've been trying for five months to do the moonwalk

I've had too many relationships that didn't work out. You're special to me.

If she puts her mind and pussy to it. They can have you.

If you weren't so vindictive.

Is fuck your husband.

Is gonna fly out their mouth or some shit.

Is when you be straining for a long time, right?

It come back stronger. VD is new and improved now.

It come back stronger. VD is new and improved now.

It make me sick to my stomach.

It was a big race war and suntan lotion and Jheri curl juices shooting all over.

Janet Jackson got a hit record:

Johnny had to have at least 300 million.

Johnny says, Hey, I'm Johnny.

Just fuck, mother... Fuck me, goddamn it.

Just get me the egg and shut your mouth.

Just get the fuck out, right?

Just relax and cool out. I start cooling out. My ego said:

Knew that the woman lived there and didn't say shit.

Know where it backfires on you, ladies?

Ladies, do not be fooled. I know some men have some strong raps

Lay down on the floor and spread them.

Lester, she ain't your mama.

Let me get this right. So you're getting a burning sensation

Let me hear the men clap that are with women

Let me hear the men clap.

Let me hear the women clap that are loyal to their men, truthfully.

Let me hear you clap.

Let me tell you about Eddie Murphy.

Let them know where you stand. I said, Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Let's call them pussy traps.

Let's stick with this.

Lf a man do this, I kick him in his nuts. A man put his hands...

Lf he's not here with you tonight, he fucking somebody.

Lf I come home and a fireman putting the house out, I say:

Lf I ever get married, I got to marry somebody with personality.

Lf I ever get married, I have to go off to the woods of Africa

Lf I have to beg and plead Do the symphony

Lf I took Brooke Shields to the Grammys,

Lf somebody else move,

Lf you fooled around, I would be so hurt and disgusted, I would wait

Lf you marry somebody and neither one of you have anything

Lf you were my woman, I make love to you constantly.

Lf you... lf you have $5

Lf you're starving and somebody throw you a cracker,

Like I just walked out on stage and cursed and left.

Like, we'll go out and sneak out to the hotel

Lil, answer the phone. Goddamn it, look...

Lil!

Lil? I'm drunk. And you know something?

Lillian

Listen to Madonna. I'm a material girl in a material world,

Listen to the radio. That's what it's about.

Look at all the women in the audience right now looking up here like this:

Look at the ladies going, Stop clapping.

Look at these crazy motherfuckers.

Look, all the men's faces, they're like this now:

Look, little ltalian white man.

Looking for Miss Right, you be gambling every time.

Looking like J.J. from Good Times and shit.

Ls that right?

Ls that what you want me to say? I fucked her? I fucked her.

Lt is a dick thing. Do not try to understand it.

Lt is the truth. And, ladies, as soon as y'all make that noise,

Lt was all for one and one for all. We stuck together.

Lt was real weird, because I had never met him

Lt was two Etch A Sketches on top of each other.

Lt was you! Yes, it was. That's why that man kick your ass tonight.

Lt works. Even if you can't fight,

Lt works. lf you have some problem...

Lt'll say, Murphy Marries Bush Bitch. I'm gonna be like:

Lt's beautiful, Lil. ln my heart and my soul, I'm drunk.

Lt's beautiful.

Lt's fucked up, that's why I say, hey, I'm a target.

Lt's great.

Lt's like Fuckfest '8 7.

Lt's like saying black people have thick lips.

Lt's like, Hey, I don't do this often, I'm gonna do it right.

Lt's my house I live here

Lt's not their nature to fool around.

Lt's the dumbest dance ever, because I can't do it,

Lt's when shit come halfway out your ass,

Ltalians are funny people, because they act like ****as. lt's funny.

Ltalians... White people, period, y'all go crazy after y'all see a Rocky movie

Made me stay in the house, man. Almost got married last year.

Make a Tonka truck taste so delicious.

Mama, I got a joke.

Man, you know what's real scary

McDonald's. McDonald's.

Men don't like to hear a threat like that. You hear somebody:

Men fool around because of this.

Men must find and conquer as much pussy as they can get.

Michael went on TV and everything he says, the public believes.

Michael's so famous,

Mike don't weigh but a buck oh five, you know.

Mind your motherfucking business. I'll bust your motherfucking ass.

Miss America every year is Brooke. Fuck who you see with the crown.

Miss Right. Blow on this for luck.

Motherfucker punched you ln the mouth

Motherfucker, dick, pussy, snot and shit. Good night.

Motherfucker, you know how to spell it!

Mr. T walk up and go, I heard you did some jokes about me.

My dick is fucked up. My dick is ruined.

My ego said, Now talk some shit so people know not to mess with you.

My ego said, Well, give me your hand.

My favorite movie is Trading Places.

My girl start illing, 'Oh, there go Eddie Murphy.'

My mother get some hot sauce and some salt and pepper,

My mother made it.

My mother would sit there and watch her 1 5 year old son on stage

My whole act back then was about taking a shit,

My wife, Camille, handles the ticket money.

Never met the man before, but he called me up about a year ago

Next thing you know, Dexter is fucking your woman.

Nineteen years old. Beautiful face. A virgin. Nobody ever fucked her.

No matter how bad you fuck up, no matter what you do wrong,

No matter what you say, no matter what you do, as long as you say:

No more phone for you. Your phone privileges are cut off.

No pussy is worth $1 50 million!

No pussy.

No, baby. That's just jokes.

No, don't get me wrong.

No, don't say 'nothing'. Eddie. Nothing from nothing leaves nothing

No, fire shoot out my dick, is all.

No, fire shoot out my dick, is all.

No, I can't stay. I was just talking to Uhmfufu about a couple of things.

No, I'd wait till you went to sleep

No, I'm about to throw this motherfucker someplace.

No, I'm not answering shit.

No, if you're sorry, you wouldn't have fucked her!

No, it's not... I'm not being racist. I mean, I mean...

No, Lillian, where you going? Didn't I just say you couldn't go no place?

No, no, no. I'm fine, I'm fine. I'll just have a salad.

No, you didn't. Maybe I didn't.

No. Stop it.

Nobody gets punched for nothing. What...? Eddie...

Nobody white said shit.

Not my man. Yes, your man too.

Now it's raining!

Now it's snowing!

Now tell them if somebody else move, you gonna kick their ass.

Now there's thunder! Then he started doo dooing.

Now we have $300 million and 70.

Now, guys, I see a lot of y'all feeling real macho,

Now, I'm going to tell you a story. He always tells you stories.

Now, if the child is smiling this way because he needs money for a ticket,

Now, let's talk about the word 'fuck' for a minute.

Now, love and money do not mix. The shit don't mix.

Now, what did you do? What?

Of this big meatball on the bread.

Oh, darling, I want to make love to you. That type of shit.

Oh, I didn't know you was here. You scared me.

Oh, it's your pussy! lt's your pussy!

Oh, make love to me

Oh, my God. Oh, I can't believe it.

Oh, shit. Fat, bucktoothed bitch. No, give me my dick back. No.

Oh, shit...

Oh, skinny cockeyed bitch. No, give my dick back.

Oh, that's so cute, the way they talking.

Oh, you just saw Rocky.

Oh, you took a shot in your lips?

OK, now, let me hear... Let me hear the women clap that have men

OK.

OK. Fine. Don't touch the phone no more, Lil.

Old Motown songs to you in his argument,

Once there was a lion and a monkey.

Once you make a woman say:

One, two, three, four, five. Five... Five children.

Or even try to school you Oh, yeah

Or grab the back of your head and say, Fuck the shit out of me.

Other children would make fun of us because we got on Twister suits.

Our face is in the pillow like this, I got this motherfucker now, boy.

Party at the Loft!

People from other countries have seen my films and come over to the U.S.,

People get drunk, go to clubs and start fighting.

People that watched the fight was in court.

People walking by going, Jimmie Walker.

Pull over. I'm gonna read him his rights.

Pull over. Pull over.

Punch him in the face, Ed.

Put his little birthday hat on and he looked at all the children.