The Distinguished Gentleman Edit

A chop shop wouldn't give you more than 230 on a junker like that.

A hundred of my very best friends paid a thousand dollars apiece...

A mandolin, and it'll be a "floral" appointment.

A one, a two...

A Silver Fox can only make a symbolic point.

A thousand dollars a head? A whole table!

A very important announcement today at the clean air hearings.

Aaah!

Administrative assistant.

After an overnight accident in the district.

Afternoon, Mr. Chairman. Skeeter here.

Ah, Brenda? I'm stepping out for a few minutes.

Ah, could you come out? Thank you.

Ah, man, forget that! We're public servants.

Ah, the joy's gone out of Congress, Olaf.

Ah, the usual sacrificial lamb.

Ah, you see the difficult choices we have to make here, kids,

Al, you gonna bring your wife, ain't ya?

All it's about... is bein' here.

All over CNN, you're gonna pay my price.

All right, Armando? Okay, now.

All right, Jeff. I got it. Come here.

All right, let's do it.

All right, you're hired.

All right, Zeke.

All right! You want the truth?

All right. Now you listen to me very carefully.

All to work up a good appetite, 'cause we got a fine French chef...

Also slightly injured was an unidentified woman whom police say...

Amen, gentlemen.

Amen! And what a fine effort it is. I'm totally sympathetic.

America's second largest seniors' organization...

An unknown independent candidate, whose sole asset appears to be his name,

And according to the 1988 study, it showed eight per 100,000.

And all the campaign paraphernalia you can spare, ma'am.

And at the time, I was on welfare and I did just that.

And di bubbeh volt gehat baitzim, volt zi geven a zeyde.

And do some sailing, but I don't think I'm going to be able to because I'm...

And everything I did in this town would be considered legit.

And he said...

And he slides in on pure name recognition.

And how much of that are you gonna get?

And I have a poster of that on my wall,

And I like you people. I really do.

And I see an America where there's no such thing...

And I show it to all my relatives and friends and n****es.

And I think it is wrong when students have to stay up late at night...

And I told her that God never told nobody to be stupid.

And I want you to smile for the cameras.

And I won't be doin' none of those things he did.

And I would like to work for you, Congressman Johnson.

And I'm so lonely.

And if you people come to me and you say to me...

And in conclusion, read my lips.

And miss all the good shows doing homework.

And one gibson, no onion,

And really show our appreciation especially on behalf of the minority community.

And send their kids off to safe schools.

And side with the American family who just want to live in safe neighborhoods...

And spank him with a wet garter belt.

And the connection between them and increased cancer risks.

And the lobbyists and the fat cats...

And then we realized it was starin' us right in the face.

And they are the ones that will be invaluable to you in your next campaign,

And to the man who shows no respect...

And to the man who values gold over goodness,

And two white wine spritzers and a Lowenbrau.

And unless you wanna see this...

And Vera Johnson, his lovely and gracious wife.

And we're not gonna show you Jeff Johnson kissing babies.

And when the last trump sounds,

And who needs the aggravation? Life's too short.

And whose soul is empty,

And will do anything, pay big money, to avoid embarrassment.

And you have to kick it like cold turkey.

And your courage in taking a major new step.

And your courage in taking a major new step.

And, Jeff, you know there's no aphrodisiac like power.

And, uh, acid rain is killing cattle.

Anyway, their delegation just checked out.

Are all the pro bonettes as fine as you?

Are no higher than the common clod."

Are you all a bunch of fuckin' incumbents now?

Are you gonna be grabbin' my ass like old Congressman Johnson?

Are you gonna go in there and tell him we're out here...

Are you hiring me, Congressman?

Are you tired of having the most beautiful and intelligent women in this country?

Aren't you going to vote?

Armando, would you come out front? We have a situation.

Arrest for bookmaking, cardsharping,

As a student who is below average.

Asi.

Ask not what your country can do for you.

At Chairman Dodge's suggestion,

At first, none of us in the neighborhood wanted to believe it.

At the top of the news, Maryland Congressman Elijah Hawkins...

Auto insurance premiums and food additives.

Babette, zee Parisian pussycat, and many others.

Back at the lodge flown in special.

Bacon and eggs plus a $2,000 honorarium.

Bag on the floor, hands in the air. Do it!

Be right with you. I like your hat.

Because I can win.

Because I keep my ear to the ground.

Before I turn the floor over to the congressman, I'd like to thank my old friends,

Believe me, you will be audited.

Between clean air and school lunches, okay?

Big con. Dick Dodge is the mark.

Brother Eli. Yeah. All right.

But all of this is nothing...

But before I do, I would like to note that we have a new member joining us today.

But everything else on this list is real. I did it, don't deny it.

But first I've got to get your positions on a few issues.

But got haste oykh cane naar nit zine.

But he's been married 20, 30 years. His wife knows he's a freak.

But I can see that you have no respect for this institution or for anything else.

But I didn't just come here to pay my respects to your husband.

But I do know people,

But I have faith in you. I'm countin' on you.

But I know a great deal about the man.

But I know better, 'cause I know you're a courageous citizen.

But I know that's bullshit. He has an inside man.

But I need to know how I can get on this committee, like, immediately.

But I sure as hell can let the world know...

But I'm not sympathetic to holding a public inquiry.

But I'm not telling you anything you don't already know.

But if I were, what could I do to help them?

But in this town you've gotta pick your fights.

But it'll take more than the magic of name recognition...

But l I've done nothing new.

But most of all I'd like to thank you for your courage.

But most of all I'd like to thank you for your courage.

But really, dear, I've got to run.

But sound bites aren't sworn testimony.

But still it's a rare public servant who'll take on the PACs...

But thank you, son. I appreciate your sharing that with me.

But that sure was me on the telephone.

But that wasn't a yes.

But that's as far as I would go with this if I were you.

But the fleas come with the dog.

But the question is, can we get the shit back into the horse?

But then they have these things called "PACs." Okay, political action committees, right?

But then we all saw it.

But there's no way you can link it to power lines.

But we'll have, like, flowers and dinner,

But yo, man, listen. I'm a social drinker.

But you ain't about to start no homo shit, are you? 'Cause I ain't with it.

But you can brief my staff on that, you know.

But you may rest assured that the committee...

But, Congressmen, look around you.

But, of course, he's on the right committee,

But, uh, really, they're just guns for the ordinary sportsman.

But... it's a gray area.

By a bunch of chairmen from different committees.

By golly, am I glad to see you.

By the time I'm finished with him, he won't be speaker.

By the way, Dick, I didn't mean that about your wife.

Can I have a double bourbon, please?

Can we turn the A.C. down, please?

Can't deny anything on here. I did all of this.

Can't exactly go into 7 Eleven and pass bad checks anymore, you know.

Celia kirby from Pro Bono! Very nice to meet you.

Certainly, as the votes come up, you'll be hearing plenty from the other side.

Chairman Dodge, please.

Chairman Dodge!

Chairman, Gulf Coast Power.

Change for the future.

Cheers.

Chief!

Clean air, beautiful scenery.

Clear the hallway now. Give 'em some room.

Clear the room! Clear the goddamn room!

Come and meet Thomas Johnson. Thomas, Olaf Andersen.

Come on, come on, come on. What is it?

Come on, Dick is good! Dick is good!

Come on, let's hear it for ex chairman Dodge!

Come on, Mama. Let's go.

Come sit next to me and have this chitchat.

Come with me.

Compared to the shit I pulled off right here in Washington.

Con games, mail fraud.

Congressional hearings should be scheduled just as soon as possible.

Congressman Johnson. Congressman Johnson, Arthur Reinhardt.

Congressman Johnson's office. Chairman Dodge?

Congressman, I hope you don't think I'm outta line for meeting you here.

Congressman, you do have several people waiting.

Constituent of yours, client of mine.

Cut off the Thomas, shorten the Jefferson,

Darlin', don't you look wonderful.

Depends entirely on what's on that tape, doesn't it?

Developed a brain tumor same as Mickey's.

Dick Dodge, from your home state. Gonna run for speaker.

Dick, I've been a Washington wife for 20 years.

Dick, you crazy son of a bitch, you know we planned this.

Dick.

Did I really? How so?

Did you think you were gonna intimidate him? You're not intimidating him.

Do you deny that just five minutes ago you attempted to impugn the integrity...

Do you have a work order?

Do you have an appointment?

Do you think, perhaps, I could call your A.A. and be put on your schedule?

Do you work out?

Does the chairman have any Asians or any Native Americans on the committee?

Does the chairman have any handicaps or gays on the committee?

Doesn't he look great?

Don't even answer because I know you did. What'd you get for it?

Don't let anyone else in, please. Thanks.

Don't tell me you're actually developing a conscience.

Don't throw it in there like that. I paid too much for that bag.

Don't waste your outrage on me. I know what ya are.

Don't we need a new roper? I mean, hey, look, everybody around here knows our faces.

Don't ya love that?

Don't you dare talk to that man!

Down at my law firm on K Street?

Down the road, I'll bill each of them 500 an hour whenever I take you to lunch.

Each member is constantly being lobbied by every cash rich trade group in town.

Eli, people do things that they regret, man. People make mistakes.

Eli, you're gonna have to excuse us. Thomas and I are late for a meeting. Come on in.

Ellen Juba, my daughter, Mickey. We'd like to see him.

Embarrassment? Som bitch!

Energy, transportation, insurance, the environment.

Especially for your courage.

Especially in children.

Every member ya strong arm, every reporter ya background,

Every study that says one thing, I'll show you a study saying another.

Every talk show ya go on, I'll be there.

Every time I hear that, it make me think about Mister Happy.

Everybody knows you're Dick Dodge's boy.

Exactly what does that mean?

Exactly! Little access, that's all.

Excellent point. Let me check something out.

Except for this thing. This woman got her shoes back. This woman here.

Excuse me a second. Arthur!

Excuse me, I'll get those drinks.

Excuse me.

Excuse me. Dick?

Excuse me. Pardon me. What do you say, Pete?

Fantastic.

Fine. And I'll be the conference of Southern Baptist Bishops. [Chuckling]

Fine. I know you don't get something for nothing. What do you want from me, Dick?

First, I want you to call Skeeter Warburton.

Five votes! Nobody likes to hear a sermon.

Folks were just used to voting for him.

For a busty Swedish love goddess, press three now.

For hot blooded Italian wildcats, press one now.

For me, it was when the two year old across the street...

For my grandmother and about a million other people you wouldn't give a shit about.

For perky American cheerleaders, press two now.

For that phony voter registration scam, huh?

For the last two days, I have been getting approached...

For the privilege of walking this Earth,

For your favorite charity, of course.

For your voter registration scam, huh?

Forgive me for staring. I don't know how I missed the family resemblance.

From most of the other meetings that take place in Washington...

Fuck that. Let's see what you really got on that tape.

Fuckin' brilliant!

G Good, good, good. Um, and, and Eli and Loretta?

Gentleman's out of order.

Get 'em to amend it, huh? Well, "For Merton to apply,

Get out!

Get that thing outta my face!

Get to round up some other members and get my ducks in a row and...

Give him a big round of applause! Come on!

Glad to see ya. Nice to... Hey, how's that knee, huh?

Go down vote for Jeff. Jeff Johnson, the name you know.

Go over the issue with him and get a letter out to you.

Going to National.

Good morning, Congressman.

Good old Jeff, the name that you can trust.

Great party.

Great. Great.

Great. I hate imported toys. Hate 'em.

Great. It's about committee assignments.

Hattie, I know you got me elected and I forgot your name in the mornin'. I'm sorry.

Have a duty to continue my career in public service.

Have you all seen a waiter come through here?

He did so much to help my people.

He got into this House through fraud! Now!

He should be back in a moment, Congressman Johnson.

He stiff you on your drinks too? He fired.

He taught me that and he also taught me...

He took $600 off you that last hand, didn't he?

He used to say I was a scumbag too.

He wants to meet me outta the office, after business hours, like tonight.

He'd be extremely appreciative.

He'll be lucky if they don't indict him.

He's going to testify, because his family may not know he's a freak,

He's got fire engines on his drawers. This is a good man. Now cool it. Just relax.

He's got something really hot for me.

He's not wired. Look. He has no wire here.

Hell yes, I am.

Hell, I bet Olaf Andersen voted for you.

Hell, son, there's no better committee on the Hill.

Hello? Hello? Mr... . Mr... . Mr. Chairman?

Hello. Who?

Here it... If I can get it out.

Here, see that? Isn't that something? Turns into a pen.

Here's the truth, Congressman.

Hey, baby, put down nuclear power for ten G's.

Hey, come here. Somethin' came up. I got a call from an EPA guy.

Hey, Dick, is there somebody you can call to make sure...

Hey, Dick. Eli Hawkins got his tail...

Hey, hey, hey! Hey hey hey hey hey!

Hey, hey! Vamonos, muchachos, goddamn it!

Hey, how ya doin'? Thomas Johnson.

Hey, how's it gonna look to the other people...

Hey, I kick your ass.

Hey, I'm gonna be as good a congressmen as anybody else up here, all right?

Hey, look, I'm flying blind here.

Hey, man, I ain't nobody's boy, all right?

Hey, man, you all got a better plan?

Hey, you remember that $300,000 you squeezed outta me...

Hey! [Whistling] Hey, thank you!

Hey! Aha! Hey, thieves steal.

Hey! Hey! Hey! Yeah, you almost got your ass whipped just then.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hi. My name is Miss Loretta, and I'd like it...

High six figures.

High voltage power lines.

His name was still on the ballot and...

Hmm.

Hmm.

Hold him really tight, hold him. I want to get some good pictures while he's got color in his cheeks.

How about pizza?

How about putting limits on malpractice awards?

How are ya, Pete? Nice to meet ya.

How come you never ask me to help you out with your amendments?

How could anything possibly ever get done?

How could I ever have doubted you? Where to?

How did I end up with a thief for a grandson?

How do you do? How do you do? [Laughing]

How do you do? I'm Miss Loretta, public liaison for the congressman.

How exactly are you gonna get your butt to Congress?

How many members of the chairman's committee are African Americans.

How would you feel if I told you I was the congressman? Aha!

How would you like the people in your district to think of you as the fellow...

How'd you folks like some gallery passes? Go listen to the great debates of our day.

How'd you wind up hustling for pro bono instead of pesticides anyway?

Huh! Now, smile for the cameras, Dick. How am I doin', huh?

Huh?

Huh?

Huh?

Human beings who make mistakes, act in haste,

Hurry up, get into your seats. Come on, you guys.

Hypo... hypothetical situation.

I ain't gonna grab nobody's old ass. I mean, I ain't gonna grab nobody's ass.

I am definitely in the wrong business.

I am doing this for Mickey Juba and I'm doin' this for Celia Kirby and I'm doin' this...

I am not a yes man. When Dick says no, I say no.

I am running for Congress.

I am, very much. It's just that these other chairmen made pretty strong cases.

I believe and care about you and your issues.

I bought 10,000 copies of your boring, dull ass autobiography!

I callate la boca ahora! I ahora asi!

I came here because, because your husband deserves an archive...

I can't believe that you're Inga. You don't look Swedish.

I can't get my amendments on the floor! I can't get a recorded vote.

I can't get squat!

I con, all right? It's different. I'm an artist.

I didn't have a goddamn thing to do with this!

I didn't wanna have to whup your ass.

I do.

I don't care. What do they want?

I don't know why I gotta drive through here and tell you this. You should know who to vote for.

I don't know. Who's Olaf Andersen?

I don't like the way this looks for anybody, okay?

I don't really hit the bottle very much.

I don't recall.

I don't think it's possible, sir.

I don't think you understand. We're not tourists. We're constituents.

I don't want you to give them the money until I get the tape in my hand.

I even hired your goddamn color blind wife to redecorate my office.

I Fed Ex'ed all that material to you down in Florida.

I gave you my condo in Vail. I let you fly my corporate jet.

I get that kinda cash, I'm splitting it up with my homies and my homette.

I got a cramp. It's okay, don't stop. Don't stop!

I got a list of equipment I want you to go get.

I got a sprinkler too now. Back at ya!

I got a tape in the car. Eight track or cassette. You wanna hear it?

I got lucky at the Hay Adams.

I got the goods on you, and it would be my pleasure to leave tire marks all over you.

I guess you're gonna have to have a reception.

I had a meeting with the chairman...

I had hoped to go up to Hyannis Port this weekend to spend time with Tish...

I had no idea that slime bag was tapin' us.

I hate to be the one to tell you, but Congressman Johnson died.

I have a few minor questions. I would like to know...

I heard the same thing.

I hope you can all come to my reception. You know Miss Loretta from my office.

I just thought that if we had the hearings...

I just thought you might need help with logistics, settling in at your hotel.

I just wanna know which one I've got on my hands.

I know that, uh, you're still in shock over Jeff's passing,

I know what you're up to. He's scared and this is damage control.

I know why he was calling you. He hasn't heard from you about his fund raiser.

I know you got it. I just gotta find it, that's all.

I know you got me by the short and curlies.

I know you may have a sentimental attachment to a lot of these things and you...

I know your chief, Sergeant Brown. Help me and you'll be Lieutenant Brown.

I like the way that sounds.

I may not have a rat's ass of a chance to beat you,

I need a man, and so do my girlfriends.

I need a straight answer from you, Skeeter.

I need to know how long it takes to get from there to the EPA building.

I need your help on the ethics bill, Leon.

I need, uh, 5,625 signatures.

I never felt better.

I never thought you'd be in my house. You've got to get outta here.

I pay about $650 a year, or so.

I personally wanna do something about the rain forests.

I plan to keep goin' back as long as you keep sendin' me.

I promise to give it the attention it deserves.

I put up scholarships to send your kids through college.

I remember once back in Georgia. They even elected a dead man.

I remember the time he said that welfare is a drug...

I saw how you got elected.

I spent so many years telling the Rotary Club what was wrong in Washington...

I suppose a million dollars isn't too much to insure against losin' five billion.

I tell ya, I'm about as crazy as a dog in a hubcap factory.

I thank the gentleman! But we really must move along!

I think it's very suspicious that the White House would kill an EPA report...

I think she's great.

I think that's enough bullshit for one lifetime.

I think you all know our guests of honor today.

I thought I was gonna have to kick somebody's... Okay. Hey, no, I'm sorry.

I thought we had this settled. They don't have any proof.

I took the liberty of putting together a set of their papers for you.

I used to serve under the other Congressman Johnson,

I videotaped the entire meeting!

I wanna welcome the new members to Washington.

I want order! I will have order!

I want you to go make the peace between us.

I want you to resign. You can tell people it's for health reasons.

I want you to tell him to launch an investigation on power lines.

I want you to tell the ambulance to take you to Walter Reed Hospital.

I was actually in the audience one day when he looked out and he said,

I was goin' real good 'til I met you.

I was lucky, but, but there are others.

I was, uh, I was just wondering how much of this is a statutory problem,

I went too far with him. I know it.

I wish they didn't exist. Especially those little baseball men...

I would appreciate it if you would consider me to be your A.A.

I would like all buttons and posters and bumper stickers...

I would like for you to announce that you're gonna run for Congress.

I would like to make a comment on the...

I would like to start off by saying thank you from the bottom of my heart,

I would like to welcome our first witness,

I wouldn't be a bit surprised if you ended up in the leadership.

I'd be delighted to brief you on our priorities this session.

I'd help. I'd be running the office night and day.

I'd like an appointment, Congressman, not a date.

I'd like to ask you something.

I'd like to do more money for you,

I'd like to know how you got named after a memorial.

I'd say you lost to him on purpose.

I'd sleep better with you as a lieutenant.

I'll bet ya $100 you don't get ten votes.

I'll go hit 'em with the Urban League right away.

I'll grab it.

I'll handle the police and you go home. Keep your mouth shut.

I'll say this, if I were speaker,

I'll talk to Dodge.

I'm a con artist.

I'm a goddamn citizen. Isn't that enough?

I'm always available to a young man from my state.

I'm cutting out of here early.

I'm finished in the line of business I was in.

I'm gonna be extremely frank with you.

I'm gonna be offended if you don't come by my reception.

I'm gonna get a staff allowance. It says here that new Congress...

I'm gonna listen. Thank you very much.

I'm gonna make this whole race boil down...

I'm just, you know, I'm just, what, I'm, I'm the new congressman,

I'm Loretta Hicks. Congressman Johnson's office?

I'm Ned Grable, Vice President and General Manager of WFL.

I'm Ned Grable.

I'm not quite sure I understand, Professor Franklin.

I'm proud to be your man in Washington.

I'm sorry I'm late. I had an emergency.

I'm sorry, but I really, really, really... I really need you.

I'm sorry, Congressman. I didn't see your pin.

I'm sorry, Mr. Willie. He just picked up another call.

I'm sure you would, dear. But I couldn't give you...

I'm surprised, well, delighted by the media turnout today.

I'm talkin' about a place that, when they run outta money, they just print some more.

I'm talkin' about a town where the marks will take you to dinner after you fuck 'em.

I'm the new congressman. I'm Congressman Johnson and this is my staff.

I'm trying to find Reverend Eli Hawkins.

I've been approached by the people from Foreign Affairs.

I've been approached by the people from Ways and Means and Armed Services.

I've been dying to talk to you about these issues.

I've got news for ya, Dick. I'm gonna run against you for speaker.

I've heard that before, Mr. Name You Know.

I've never heard anything like that in my life.

If I get on the ballot as Jeff Johnson, nobody's gonna know.

If I go down, you go down, Dick Dodge!

If I retire this year, I get to keep $1.3 million...

If that's what you want, we can find a loophole. No one will see your fingerprints.

If the FDA would just agree to look at the new support hose,

If the New York Times wants to be the only paper in town to miss out...

If they find out I swept your office for radon, didn't do everybody else's?

If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.

If you don't hang up that phone, I will flush it down the toilet!

If you let them go, they're just gonna blackmail you.

If you put it like that, I suppose I...

If you're against 'em, I got money for you from the candy manufacturers.

If you're against 'em, I got money from the trial lawyers.

If you're for 'em, I got money for you from my sugar producers in Louisiana and Hawaii.

If you're for 'em, I got money from the doctors and insurance companies.

If you're just joining us, our exit polls project that in Florida,

Immediately, like in my first four days.

In exposing the corruption that eats away at this institution.

In fact, any second now, a huge Latino man's...

In fact, I still don't see your pin.

In hearing your view on extending the sexual harassment law to include congressmen.

In his office with Mr. Olaf Andersen...

In not running for the congressional seat left vacant by her husband's death.

In the field of utilities, but before I welcome them,

In the form of this.

In this town, a cat bounced 900 checks, didn't even have to go to jail.

Indeed, you know, Mrs. Rifkin, I'm always so excited to hear your views,

Inga will miss you! Bye bye.

Insects, you name it.

Integrity is second nature to this man.

Ira, sit. I'm gonna slap you. Sit. Come on, down. Sit down!

Is gonna support a man who hasn't clipped his first nose hair yet?

Is in satisfactory condition at Walter Reed Hospital...

Is linked to a phone sex operation in Florida.

Is that him? Is that him?

Is that what that means? You know, all this time I've been listenin' to that shit,

Is the White House on your back about power lines?

Is this gonna be something we can use?

Isn't that somethin'? Dick Dodge! Isn't he somethin' special?

Isn't that strange?

It all started when you called the "Girls of Many Nations" party line.

It doesn't come off the top.

It doesn't. That's the genius of the system.

It goes to a public health hazard of unknown proportions.

It goes to the right of the ordinary people to know all the facts!

It inspired me to get on with my life. Very inspirational.

It is very nice finally meeting you, Mr. Bridges.

It isn't about doing good anymore.

It isn't about passin' laws anymore.

It sound like a tap dancer or somethin'.

It sounds to me like your contagion... rates...

It turns out a lot of schools are near power lines.

It was a pleasure to meet you, Congressman. I will be in touch with your staff.

It was a terrible bill and it would have destroyed the fabric of American life.

It was all in those briefing books I mailed you.

It would be unprecedented for a freshman congressman...

It's 1 900 phone sex?

It's a extremely beautiful name for an extremely beautiful woman.

It's a political party. The big thing is, they got their own line on the ballot.

It's a privilege they extend to congressmen. They'll keep it quiet.

It's an informal breakfast. You give us your point of view, we give you, uh,

It's called "the grandfather loophole."

It's gonna bring in a half a million dollars easy. That's just for openers.

It's imperfect because it depends on people.

It's just that I don't have that much cash. I've only got $12,000.

It's not like they're voting for me. They're voting for name recognition.

It's so embarrassing to come right out and say why I do it.

It's the con of a lifetime, and I know we can do this shit.

It's the gang's M.O. to wait until the victim's having a big party...

Jeff is my working name. My name is Thomas, and this is my cousin, Miss Loretta.

Jeff John... nobody knows that their congressman is dead.

Jeff Johnson?

Jeff Johnson. The name you know.

Jeff Johnson's name may still be magic,

Just a moment, please.

Just forget I even called. Just tell him I said hi.

Just get him off of my back.

Just get these people the hell outta here quietly.

Just to vote for somebody because their name was Johnson.

Kareem! Wait right there. Kareem, where's this woman's drink? This woman's thirsty!

Ken Korngold, National Distilled Spirits Association.

Kimberly and my fine staff, along with myself,

Kimberly, can you get me Skeeter Warburton on the phone, please?

L... You all ready for this?

Ladies and gentlemen, yesterday,

Land's cheap, so schools tend to buy it from the power companies.

Later, baby.

League of Women Voters. No, Mr. Johnson will not attend the debate.

Leave that to me. You just walk back in there lookin' dignified.

Let 'em know you care. Very smart move, Thomas.

Let me tell you something, Jeff.

Let's finish talking. Let's talk about child safety now.

Let's go!

Let's hear it for the retiring chairman!

Lighten up on the slime bag, huh?

Listen, fill me in on everything 'cause I don't wanna miss the good shit.

Listen, I have been doin' some research. I've been to the library.

Listen, Jeff, you know you got the best job in the world, don't you?

Listen, Thursday, Dick Dodge is at the arts caucus, all right?

Little fishin' in the afternoon,

Live free or die.

Look what these arthritic hands have been doin'.

Look what you did to your man. Look what you did!

Look, sit down. We haven't discussed child safety yet.

Lordy, what a notion.

Loretta, get some information on the EPA and give that to the roper.

Lovely. Yeah.

Mainly it makes me angry, and the anger keeps me going.

Make me proud of you, Thomas. Make me proud of the name you carry.

Making small talk, breathing in that cheap cigar smoke,

Mambo!

Man, I think we oughta have those hearings.

Many of you know that Jeff is now completely recovered from a triple bypass operation.

Maria, my hot blooded Spanish friend.

May just possibly win a slim victory.

Maybe America can be a decent place to live in again."

Maybe I should think about it, huh?

Maybe not in gin, but in politics, young man, you need money to win.

Maybe we could get them to amend Merton.

Meaning!

Message: we care.

Might want to lay on a luncheon so that you can hear his views.

Mira, mira, mira.

Misinterpret things...

Miss Rifkin. I'd like to run on the Silver Foxes' ticket.

Mm hmm. Yeah, yeah. Well, you know.

Mmm, cuz, these politicians,

Mmm, when can I see you again? Let's go to dinner Saturday night.

Most of us will believe that 'cause we've seen you in the steam room.

Mr. And Mrs. Zeke Bridges, for the use of their wonderful, lovely home.

Mr. Bridges, I can't leave the suspects by themselves.

Mr. Bridges, I know these people. Okay?

Mr. Willie? Congressman Johnson calling. Can you take his call?

Mrs. Dodge, it's Arthur Reinhardt. May I please speak to the chairman?

Mrs. Jeff Johnson would win in a walk.

Mrs. Rifkin, if you get me on the Silver Foxes' ballot line,

Must have had a heart attack.

My boss just wanted me to call you folks and let you know we're going to be making...

My friends, I need, uh, [Chuckling]...

My friends, I wanna tell y'all about a town...

My God, I sound like a boy scout. [Laughing]

My God, Inga, that was on the phone.

My grandmother liked Jefferson. You know, "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness."

My life has to mean something.

My middle name is Jefferson, last name is Johnson.

Name recognition.

Natch.

No Asians and no natives.

No gays. Well, you've been of a great deal of help.

No Latinos either.

No one was a better legislator, a better husband.

No strings attached.

No wire. You can trust him. Look at this guy.

No, actually, I owe it all to the Vietnamese.

No, actually, that's nice. This town could use a few geeks like you.

No, he's on the right committee, so I guess that makes all the difference.

No, honey, he's talkin' about Washington, D.C.

No, I do not have an appointment, because y'all keep givin' me the runaround.

No, I even bought 10,000 copies of your boring, dull ass autobiography.

No, I got a business to run.

No, I haven't, but, Zeke, I need your help. Hey!

No, I'll call the morning shows and leak the information. They'll eat it up.

No, I'm sorry, Betty. I cannot tie up this line. Thank you.

No, I'm sorry, I can't tell you that, but it's hot.

No, it was a motion on the recommitment...

No, it's worth $10,000.

No, ma'am, actually, you'll be of a great deal of help.

No, no, I'm, I'm, I'm a night owl.

No, no, no, no! Think! Think!

No, no, no, send 'em in.

No, no. A Republican can win. A Democrat can win.

No, not the new emission standards.

No, that perks thing was the last straw.

No, you can't. He's just had surgery for a deviated septum.

No, you don't have to call my A.A. Why don't we do this?

No! But that's good thinking, Thomas. I'm impressed by your instincts.

Nobody told me about no damn hotel.

None. Well, I'm sure you have a Latino member on the committee.

Not a vote, I won't go that far. But at least he'll get to say his peace from the floor.

Not for lunch, old buddy. For PAC money.

Not just on the committee. He's chairman of it.

Not me! You jerk! Mickey Juba.

Not to mention the fact my wife is probably looking for me right now.

Not to say where you heard this from.

Nothin'. It's actually kinda good, 'cause now I get to, you know...

Nothing at all. What are you talking about?

Now flukes like you are either nut cases or troublemakers.

Now let's just cut the bullshit.

Now look, son, it's great to get your name in the newspaper.

Now that is enough! Have you no shame, Mr. Johnson?

Now that you're here, what are you gonna do with it?

Now that's interesting. That's just the thing I had in mind. Go ahead.

Now this is our system of checks and balances at its very finest.

Now we're gonna announce a major investigation...

Now what makes this meeting different...

Now where are you on sugar price supports?

Now you see how they were gonna plan to con you outta your money.

Now you're a smart guy. That's why I hired you.

Now you've all met my legislative assistant, Kimberly.

Now, do we understand each other here?

Now, if you'd like to discuss it with me, I will personally...

Now, sirs, ladies and gentlemen,

Now, the better I do, the worse I feel.

Now, the gun control nuts try to make out that they're for drug dealers only.

Now, this body... Well, indeed our whole...

Now, Thomas, he'll listen to you.

Now, we're gonna take a 15 minute recess.

Now, what you do, you buy a few thousand dollars worth of stock options.

Now, why don't you just relax? Have a massage.

Now, you know, Congress has taken many hits of late.

Obviously failed to nail some vital details, so...

Of course I'd like to win a few and I'm not allergic to money either.

Of course not.

Of Gulf Coast Power, and his lobbyist, Mr. Terry Corrigan.

Of the rule of the motion of the previous question.

Oh, a little outta my league, Dick.

Oh, another Rolex. I collect these. Mine's a slightly older model.

Oh, baby.

Oh, come on, Thomas, you're seein' his niece.

Oh, come on, Thomas. Give it a rest.

Oh, come on. We got acid rain killing fish and nobody's stopping it.

Oh, darling, I'm glad you could make it!

Oh, geez, the world bank's in town.

Oh, get 'em to amend it.

Oh, God, I hope not. It'd be a fuckin' nuisance in Congress.

Oh, hello, Paul. How are you?

Oh, hey, no. I did morning weather and traffic for KTOK in Tulsa.

Oh, hi. I'm Kimberly Meadows. I work for Chairman Dodge.

Oh, hi. We haven't met yet.

Oh, ho ho ho! You're shaking me down, aren't you?

Oh, I love that sermon, Uncle Eli.

Oh, I slipped.

Oh, I'm sorry. This is Miss Loretta Hicks from my staff.

Oh, it's 2:40 a.m. Did you realize that?

Oh, l... Thank you.

Oh, Mr. Bridges, I don't wanna take your watch, I don't wanna take your money.

Oh, my God, is, is he all right?

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Oh, my... [Gagging]

Oh, no, this salad is gonna be enough for me.

Oh, no, uh, Supervisor said, uh...

Oh, no. I would never grab your ass.

Oh, okay. An honorarium.

Oh, she just said that if my grandmother had balls, she'd be my grandfather.

Oh, shit.

Oh, speak of the devil. Put him through.

Oh, that's very nice of you. That's a very decent gesture.

Oh, there's nothing wrong with your ass.

Oh, Thomas, on a completely different subject here.

Oh, uh, uh, Mrs. Rifkin from the, uh...

Oh, um... you missed the freshman lottery for offices.

Oh, wait a second. I have my driver's license with me. Got a picture in late.

Oh, waiter, where's my bourbon sour?