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Back to School (1986) "Back to School" is a comedy film released in 1986, directed by Alan Metter. The movie stars Rodney

Back to School (1986)

"Back to School" is a comedy film released in 1986, directed by Alan Metter. The movie stars Rodney Dangerfield as Thornton Melon, a successful businessman who enrolls in college to support his son, played by Keith Gordon. The cast also includes Sally Kellerman, Burt Young, and Robert Downey Jr. With hilarious antics and witty dialogue, this film showcases Dangerfield's trademark humor. Whether you're a fan of classic comedies or just in the mood for a good laugh, "Back to School" is a must-watch. You can find and enjoy the sounds from this movie easily by playing or downloading them right here!

A bunch of pennants, some of those beer mugs...
A crypto fascist metaphor for nuclear war.
A few of these fuzz balls you cheer with, and...
A good executive knows how to delegate authority.
A little chat with you, and that'll cost you.
A little later in the term.
A lot of people are talking about your dad, man.
A merger?
A partnership. Seriously, Diane...
A potentially unpleasant situation on our hands here.
A railroad spur line and a four bay shipping dock.
A ten percent bonus for every grade over B.
A, B, C... you're in the top three.
About what, I have no idea.
Actually, I was married twice.
Actually, these guys were nice enough to let me in...
Add a few hundred to the bill and throw your boys a party.
After that, I screwed around for a few years.
After they sacked the quarterback...
All I know is I'm supposed to pick him up here.
All I know is that you didn't. That's what disappoints me.
All right, 11:00. But I'm gonna talk to that dean.
All right, I'll say it.
All right, Mr. Melon.
All right, settle down, people.
All right!
All right. Maybe I will.
And a little monkey business.
And a special thanks, of course, to Mr. Thornton Melon...
And an A+ gets you a free trip to Hawaii... off season.
And another thing, Vonnegut.
And because of you...
And create a fictional company from the ground up.
And dig into the symbolic dirt.
And drew him down to me...
And executive structure...
And first I put my arms around him, yes...
And for you ladies, we have caftans, muumuus...
And Gibraltar is a girl...
And his heart was going like mad, and yes...
And I can't believe I'm saying this.
And I don't get the feeling she wants me around.
And I have to talk to Peterson, the accountant.
And I really have been for a very long time.
And I'm taking four of those school sweaters...
And if I take 'em, who knows where they'll kick me.
And if you plan on using any cement in this building...
And is fully serviced by all utilities...
And it should be pretty great. His parties usually are.
And it's really sweet, and it's really not working.
And let me know you're mine
And Mafia payoffs are how you do business...
And members of the graduating class.
And newest freshman...
And no transcripts of any kind, no S.A.T. Scores...
And nuke them back into the fuckin' stone age forever?
And our own exclusive A frame in all colors and patterns.
And professor's point of view getting in the way...
And push those rice eaters back to the Great Wall of China...
And Russell hits him with a powerful front body slam!
And sang the sun in flight and learned too late...
And she said, Let's do it. The room's already paid for.
And so, to all you graduates...
And take it apart brick by brick...
And the business of an educational institution...
And the next thing you know...
And the other I put through a wall.
And the walking epitome of the decline of modern education.
And then bring one every ten minutes.
And then I ask him with my eyes to ask again.
And they're certainly not part of anything...
And they've already been underlined.
And to make sure that two regular schmoes...
And to suck up to you for donations.
And to thank you...
And we feel you should sell.
And when I get upset, he gets physical.
And you better be there.
And you know what a lousy day yesterday was.
And you're easy.
And you're gonna end up just like your father.
And you've gone out of your way to ruin this party.
And your Grand Lakes University Hooters!
And your mouth shut. You should be all right.
And, Peter, I thought you were still in Portofino.
Another classy one, huh?
Are available through the student services office.
Are you a student in this class?
Are you aware that that's the most...
Are you getting all this, Mr. Melon?
Are you OK?
Are you saying I spend too much money?
As Calvin Coolidge once said...
As pertains to: A... management fundamentals;
As you go out into the world my advice to you is...
Astronomy, chapter two.
At a buck and a quarter, a buck and a half a square foot.
At close of day.
At least you're getting an education.
At least, I won't be if I get into astronomy.
Atlantic City. The Steel Pier. I was in the water show.
Attaboy, Jason! You did it!
B... organizing and staffing;
Beat it, punk.
Beats me. Don't you know any Greek?
Beautiful.
Because guess who's here... Derek Lutz.
Because you didn't win the diving meet?
Before it closes up. See you later.
Before they were too macho, and now they're too soft.
Before we begin...
Bill Steincap.
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay.
Boy, what a great lookin' place.
Boy, will Jason be surprised.
Boy, you were somethin' else.
Boys, here's a couple of pens, in case you learn how to write.
Boys, how are ya?
Bruce! Bruce! Bruce! Bruce!
Buddy, I'm talking to you. I need some help here!
Bulk it up and add a few multicolored graphs.
But also the architects' fees and the cost of land servicing.
But don't step in number two.
But for some reason, they want us to take a science.
But I assure you it's not the boy scouts.
But I don't have it right now.
But I wish I knew you were coming.
But I'm not gonna be folding towels anymore...
But I'm supposed to meet my dad and study.
But if it makes you happy...
But keep the unit cost under five bucks.
But look how bad the job market is.
But since you want to help, maybe you can help me, OK?
But then they canceled my Ancient Greek.
But they are not part of the legitimate business world...
But until that day, take a hike...
But we'll be concentrating on finance...
But what do you say you and I have dinner tonight?
But what I'll do is, first chance I get...
But you won't pass my course by turning in someone else's work.
But...
By interpreting one of the easiest events...
Called the Korean conflict?
Called the Triple Lindy.
Can we go? I'm bored.
Can't you let me just do something for myself?
Caused an ongoing erosion of confidence...
Charge it to me, too. Here, pick a card.
Chas Osbourne.
Chas Osbourne...
Chas told me you bribed the coach...
Chas, check it out.
Classy, isn't it?
Coach Turnbull, you got another eligible diver?
College is all right, I'll tell you that.
Combs, brushes, hair lotions all in the right place.
Come and work it on out
Come here. I want to tell you something.
Come in.
Come on and shake it, shake it, shake it, baby
Come on and twist a little closer now
Come on and work it on out
Come on, come on, come on, baby
Come on, join us in a beer. OK?
Come on, let's go, huh?
Come on, let's register.
Come on, pal. Show 'em what you got.
Come on, will ya? Snap into it!
Come on. I got an idea.
Coming into your own, are you, Melon?
Conducted by all of Mr. Melon's professors.
Considering the financial generosity...
Contemporary American history. Professor Turgeson.
Current conference champion... Doug Nelson.
Curse, bless me now...
Dad, last semester I got nothing but Cs.
Dad, she is the teacher.
Dad, that's easy for you to say. You don't have to do any of it.
Dad, what are you doin' here?
Dad, why don't you join me on a little reality break, OK?
Dad, you don't get it.
Dean Martin wants to see you in his office right away.
Dean Martin, great speech.
Dean Martin.
Derek, have you seen Jason?
Derek! Get up, will ya?
Diane, why'd you fail me?
Diane!
Diane!
Diane!
Did you get everything you want?
Did you read mine yet?
Did you see... where are you going?
Discuss the foundations of modern global business systems.
Divorce. I knew we had something in common.
Do I gotta knock your teeth down your throat?
Do I look fat in it?
Do I want to hear 'em?
Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night?
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Do not go gentle into...
Do you look at a menu and say, OK?
Do you make this bullshit up as you go along...
Do you remember it?
Does not mean you're gonna pass her course.
Doesn't know the first thing about Kurt Vonnegut.
Doesn't matter. Tell that to the bank.
Doin' drugs, listening to the goddamn Beatle albums!
Don't be afraid
Don't forget a little something for the building inspectors.
Don't go! It's rough out there.
Don't quit. I'll help you.
Don't run away
Don't run away
Don't you ever read?
Don't you think maybe you should just take some notes?
Don't you, Thornton?
Don't!
Dr. Barbay, he don't know dick.
Dr. Turner?
Easy. Your father isn't here to back you up this time.
Especially that one. It almost killed me.
Even if I do manage to graduate... ha ha...
Ever since the women's movement...
Every seven minutes till somebody passes out.
Everybody, make some noise, have some fun!
Everybody's coming
Everything I have is because of you...
Everywhere the ceremony of innocence is drowned;
Except, of course, for the time that you were ravingly drunk.
Excuse me, Mr. Melon, but we have a very long agenda.
Excuse me?
Excuse me.
Excuse me. Dr. Barazini?
Excuse me. Has anyone seen Thornton Melon?
Excuse me. Have you seen Thornton Melon?
Famous book. Proletarian Chicks in Bondage.
First diver for Grand Lakes University...
First of all, you have to grease the local politicians...
First up for Grand Lakes University...
For construction of a 30,000 square foot facility...
For Melon's dive, the Triple Lindy.
For taking time out of his/her extremely busy schedule.
For the purposes of our discussion here...
For the rest of the semester?
For the semester. See what else turns you on.
For the sudden zoning problems that always come up.
For the time being, let's just concentrate...
For your behavior and the things you said.
Forget about it. It's history.
Former national high school champion.
Fraud is such an ugly word...
From the crème de la crème...
Gee whiz, Phil! I just asked the man...
Get these guys some new books.
Get your suit on! We need ya!
Gettin' a job or something.
Girls, this is Lou. Lou, these are girls.
Glad you could come. Listen.
Go ahead.
Go to your student government.
God, I hope so, 'cause I happen to love the guy.
God, you look great.
Good luck, buddy. Let's get them.
Good morning, everyone.
Good teacher. He really seems to care.
Good. Apparently I'm not the only one around here...
Good. I hope I'll see you there.
Good. What's with the used books?
Got a hot tub in there!
Grand Lakes University of ours as a freshman?
Grave men near death...
Great actor, extra stout. He was a customer, too.
Great attitude. Do you know where your next class is?
Great.
Great. All right.
Grow up, Valerie. You think this is real?
Hard work?
Hardest dive I ever saw in my life.
Haven't you ever messed up?
He didn't do that good.
He probably bought off the judges, too.
He really tells it like it ain't.
He threw the teacher out the window.
He wants you to dress up as Wonder Woman...
He was a Tall and Fat customer for years.
He wasn't that big then, but he ballooned up nicely.
He's a nice guy, and he's tough.
He's an attendant in the men's room.
He's got no friends.
He's lookin' out for ya. Look out for him.
He's only the second generation that's standing up straight.
He's out there!
He's supposed to be here already.
Hello, hello!
Hello, Mr. Melon. You waiting for me?
Hello, Philip.
Here, a little something for the kids.
Here, sign these.
Here.
Here's a calendar for you.
Here's some more potentially bad news.
Here's you and Giorgio in the rumpus room.
Hey, baby!
Hey, boys, how ya doin'?
Hey, Bubbles, come over here, will ya?
Hey, buddy, be my guest. Here's a pen.
Hey, can your kid do that dive?
Hey, Chas.
Hey, Clark.
Hey, Coach! How are ya? How you doin', huh?
Hey, come here. Where ya goin'?
Hey, Dad, you remember what you told me...
Hey, guys, let me see some I.D.
Hey, he's my idol.
Hey, how are you? What's happening?
Hey, I need some help here!
Hey, Lou. How you doin'?
Hey, Lutz!
Hey, Mr. M! You're all set. We've been working all night.
Hey, Professor, take it easy, will ya?
Hey, relax. This man's been put under a lot of pressure.
Hey, wait! I got more!
Hey, what's going on?
Hey, you guys get everything you need?
Hi there, sir. How are you?
Hi there. Are you a large person?
Hi, I'm Kurt Vonnegut. I'm looking for Thornton Melon.
Hi, Mr. Melon.
Hi!
Hi.
His towels lined up neatly...
Hiya, Marge? A few things.
Hold it. That's it.
Home sweet home.
Honey, come here. I need 2 more glasses for the girls...
Hoping I was right, thinking about it.
How about Fantasyland?
How can this university ever see its way clear...
How can you study if you're not relaxed?
How come we didn't cross the 38th parallel...
How come? Tell me? Why? Say it! Say it!
How would you like a life of luxury and deceit?
How ya doin' there?
How you doin'?
How you doin'? How's the diving going?
How you gonna go to college with marks like these?
Husky, stout, extra stout and the new Hindenburg line.
I beg.
I can't believe it. We could actually win this.
I can't do it.
I can't imagine what you can possibly see in that man.
I can't lie to you, Dean Martin.
I can't take any more of this!
I could cancel, though, I guess.
I did it all for you.
I didn't bribe the coach.
I didn't, Thornton. You failed me.
I don't care how rich and successful a man is.
I don't care how rich or successful a man is...
I don't change in front of guys.
I don't fit in, you know? I got one friend... Derek.
I don't have the background for this.
I don't have time to argue.
I don't joke about dives.
I don't know if you're familiar with who runs that business...
I don't know, kid.
I don't know.
I don't know. I can't figure women out.
I don't know. Some big event at the dorms.
I don't really want to. I'm a business major.
I don't take shit from no one.
I don't think Dr. Barbay understands...
I don't think so. He was just having fun.
I don't think that selling admission...
I don't understand a word of it.
I don't want to be merged or incorporated.
I don't want to embarrass you...
I don't want to go to college.
I don't want to hear one more word out of you...
I don't wave it around at parties.
I enjoyed reading that, Susan.
I feel like I just gave birth to an accountant.
I figured since he bought your way onto the team...
I gave away all my pens.
I get my astronomy homework done for me by NASA.
I got a massage at 11:00. Tell them to make it 2:00.
I got rid of Vanessa. I feel like I just got paroled.
I got the Latin and the Sanskrit...
I got this big dive meet coming up.
I gotta get bigger actors.
I gotta practice. I wouldn't have any time to see you.
I guess there's nothing you can't do.
I had no idea this was gonna be astrophysics.
I hate small food, you know?
I hate the whole bourgeois mentality of this school.
I have absolutely nothing to wear.
I have got a really bad cramp.
I have only one question for Mr. Melon...
I have only one thing to say to you today...
I hereby dedicate this building to... myself.
I just want the best for you. That's all I ever wanted.
I know a lot of people like to believe that.
I know a lot of people think history is just facts...
I know what I need. I need a tutor.
I know you came here to help me, and I really appreciate it...
I know your pop thirty years. He understands.
I know, but you don't know when to quit.
I know. I like teachers.
I let her come between me and Jason.
I like the way you think.
I liked the old wife better, too.
I looked for you at that fraternity house.
I love Klimt, don't you?
I love you, too.
I made four dates with your answering machine.
I mean just what I said.
I mean, it's just a stupid college game.
I mean, please, try to understand.
I mean, stay in school. Study harder.
I mean, the war's over. Get new parts for your head.
I missed the question.
I need you and the gang to get down here as fast as you can.
I picked a beauty. And she played around, too.
I practically spent my entire life on that pier.
I said it once, and I'll say it again...
I sent her a love letter. She corrected it.
I suggest a comprehensive oral examination...
I think he's in there.
I think he's on a three state killing spree.
I think I'm attracted to teachers.
I think it's the men who are different.
I think Joyce is pretty hot, too.
I think you'll find it very interesting and a lot of fun.
I think you're trying to get back at your parents.
I thought we were gonna go...
I thought you were still in Tijuana.
I took out an English teacher. That didn't work out at all.
I tried.
I understand what you're saying, too.
I used to open for the diving horse.
I want a divorce.
I want to have fun and be romanced and be loved.
I want to talk to you about my schedule.
I wanted to apologize for the other night...
I was just lonely, I guess.
I was up to my knees in rice paddies...
I wasn't here in a classroom...
I wasn't speaking to you, Mr. Melon.
I wish I could, but I was there.
I won't forget this, Melon.
I wonder why.
I would just like to thank each and every professor here...
I would like to introduce our speaker today.
I'd like to break him in 27 parts.
I'd like to run down the reading list...
I'd like you to meet Mr. And Mrs. Stuyvesant.
I'd love to come, except for I have a date.
I'd say pound for pound, our finest American actor.
I'll be back in a few hours to check on you.
I'll be on time.
I'll bet you did, huh?
I'll bet you're having fun in the fraternity, huh?
I'll bring it to you.
I'll come down for a visit next break I get, OK?
I'll do your nails. I'll do your hair.
I'll give you an idea what I mean.
I'll just get the light.
I'll really try.
I'll see you at the pool.
I'll see you later.
I'll take out the garbage. I'll do the dishes.
I'll tell you what bothers me...
I'll tell you what, then.
I'll tell you what.
I'll tell you what. I'll come up there to see you.
I'll tell you what...
I'm accusing you of academic fraud.
I'm afraid it's not gonna be that easy, honey.
I'm all dressed up with nowhere to go
I'm all dressed up with nowhere to go
I'm an earth sign, she's a water sign.
I'm glad. That makes me feel good.
I'm going to college!
I'm going to college. What do you think?
I'm going to stop payment on the check.
I'm gonna be watching you.
I'm gonna kill them little pinheads.
I'm gonna need him, too.
I'm gonna pass this test.
I'm just upset because they closed botany.
I'm leavin'. I'm sorry, Jason.
I'm leaving school, Dad. One of us has gotta go.
I'm lookin' for the fountain of middle age.
I'm Marge Sweetwater...
I'm not a fighter, I'm a lover.
I'm only going to ask you this one time.
I'm Professor Turgeson.
I'm robbin' your room, that's what I'm doin' here.
I'm satisfied.
I'm setting the new record for the most consecutive losses...
I'm sorry I missed you. Things have been so hectic.
I'm sorry. I have a date with Philip tonight.
I'm sorry. I need this back.
I'm sorry. I'm really glad to see you...
I'm stayin' in school! Who's next?
I'm supposed to meet someone for dinner.
I'm supposed to report here for my lab project.
I'm sure the teamsters would like to have...
I'm takin' you out.
I'm taking notes for Mr. Melon.
I'm teaching in this class. Do I make myself clear?
I'm Thornton Melon.
I'm throwing a party in our room tonight...
I'm Valerie Desmond.
I've been doing a great deal of thinking lately.
I've been having really bad cramps all week.
I've been needing to tell you this for a very long time.
I've been reading midterm papers and grading exams.
I've been thinking about us.
If he don't got an education, he's got nothing.
If I change my mind, I'll seek psychiatric help.
If I don't take them, they'll kick me out.
If I fall asleep, they have each other to talk to.
If the work was his, and he said yes.
If we finish this bottle of wine...
If you change your mind, pal, you know where I'll be.
If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.
If you fail any part of it, you will be expelled.
If you got people doing your work for you!
If you want to look thin, you hang out with fat people.
In 1971, the United States accumulated deficits...
In all fairness to Mr. Melon here...
In doing so, he disrupted...
In Montreal last year.
In response to Roman numeral 27...
In that year, Richard Nixon...
In the history of this fine institution...
In the last twenty years of American history.
In the tape machine every hour and observe the animals.
In the various American... but illegal... Saigon regimes.
Interesting little rally you guys had tonight.
Into that good night.
Iooking for some cocktail napkins.
Is 'cause guys like me donate buildings.
Is she right?
Is so you can experience them for yourself...
Is that an amigo or a unicorn?
Is that over now?
Is that the one with the pictures?
Is that the one with the pictures?
Is the work that you turned in your own?
Is very ethical or honorable.
It means...
It rubbed off from you, Buzzy. Say hello to Sonia for me, huh?
It sounds like a lot of laughs...
It sounds like fun. I wish my dad were more like yours.
It wouldn't really be fair.
It's a Condom House book. Comes with a leather hood.
It's a fictional product. It doesn't matter.
It's a jungle out there.
It's a nice improvement. Thank you.
It's a party, Philip. Midterms, remember?
It's a simple matter of this man's presence...
It's all right. I'll get it myself.
It's clear the work you've handed in is not your own.
It's Lou I'm worried about. He may lose his trigger finger.
It's not hard for you, because you're smart.
It's not that hard. You'll get it.
It's OK. You just both come by.
It's only me
It's only me, only me
It's our fifth anniversary.
It's set up to heap rewards...
It's such a lovely shade of green.
It's this whole stupid capitalist system, you know?
It's too light. It feels like a C.
Jason Melon.
Jason said it would be great. It might be fun.
Jason, are you OK? I'm sorry about the swim meet.
Jason, do the two and a half!
Jason, how are you?
Jason, it's a party. What's your story?
Jason, what are you doing here?
Jason, where are you?
Jason, you don't lie to me. You lie to girls.
Jason?
Jason? There you are. I was looking all over for you.
Jason's a twerp. We could have won if it weren't for him.
Jesus, you think I care about the swim meet?
Jimmy Pitsos, remember him? He had an ugly wife...
Just 'cause you're in love with Dr. Turner...
Just blew my whole dead languages motif.
Just information about the past, but not me.
Kids... they always do things the hard way.
Know what he knows how to do? Flunk you.
Kurt, do you read lips? Fuck you!
Ladies and gentlemen, the visiting team...
Last year, we took a bath on those Chubby Tubby Tub toys.
Lay off Vanessa. She gives great headache.
Leave your body and soul at the door
Leave your body at the door
Let me ask you something else, man.
Let me see...
Let's go for a walk and talk this out.
Let's just start by having fun, OK?
Let's keep talking over dinner.
Let's say we're making tape recorders.
Let's take it easy on him.
Let's talk about class a minute, all right?
Like me. I'm nice, and I'm tough.
Like the Andalusian girls used.
Like what, for instance?
Like you and me never get a date with girls like Valerie Desmond.
Listen to me.
Listen to that racket.
Listen, everybody. Let's see As across the board.
Listen, I was just wondering...
Listen, Sherlock, while you were tucked away up here...
Look at it this way...
Look at that!
Look at the balance sheet. We were made for one another.
Look at this. This is worse than the track.
Look how many people got blue hair these days.
Look how tight her ass is today.
Look out, coming through. Hot stuff. Look out.
Look, Dad, I promise...
Look, there's Greek letters. That must be the house.
Lots of people go to Switzerland to get their watch fixed.
Lou, did you see the new spot?
Lou, I can't believe it. Married five years.
Lou, pack our bags.
Lou, where you been?
Lower, baby, lower.
Make sure he gets that.
May I speak to you privately, please?
Maybe bribes and kickbacks...
Maybe if you got a note from each of these people...
Maybe it's a dream. Good night, Philip.
Me, too. And thanks for the lesson.
Me.
Melon, buddy?
Melon, I told you to clean my locker.
Melon, your friend... straighten him out.
Melon!
Melon! Melon! Melon!
Melon! We need ya! Get your suit on!
Melon! You did it!
Melon.
Millicent, you look charming. I love your dress.
Morning.
Most of the men I meet go out of their way...
Mr. Melon, do you understand?
Mr. Melon, how would you characterize The Great Gatsby?
Mr. Melon, how would you characterize The Great Gatsby?
Mr. Melon, no matter what you do...
Mr. Melon, will you take the ceremonial shovel?
Mr. Melon, your wife was just showing us her Klimt.
Mr. Melon?
Mr. Melon?
Mr. Melon.
Mr. Thornton Melon.
Mr. Thornton Melon.
Mr. Thornton Melon's private secretary.
Mrs. Melon gave us strict orders... no cerveza.
Must have read some of the things on my list.
My behavior and the things I said.
My dad is having a party tonight at the dorm...
My first class. I did good, huh?
My main Melon. Come on, man...
My mountain flower.
My own house, I can't get a beer.
My two boys... I put one through college...
Nah, nobody can. It's too dangerous.
Neanderthal man.
Never mind. I got my own here. It's all right.
Next diver for Grand Lakes... Jason Melon.
Next thing you know, you're showering with the fellas.
Next time I'll call Robert Ludlum.
Next time, hold the pike a little longer.
Next up, the Atlantic Eastern Eagles'...
Next up, the Grand Lakes Hooters.
Nice look. What are you going for?
No classes? Then come home.
No kids? Well, here, get yourself some kids.
No matter what stunts you pull...
No matter what you do, I'll love you just the same.
No matter what you think, you will always be a crude...
No matter what.
No problem.
No, Dad, you don't get it.
No, don't push anybody around.
No, I haven't got a problem.
No, I sold you your pants.
No, just dinner, Philip.
No, not because I didn't win!
No, they're doing your homework.
No, with women, I never cry. Never.
No, you.
No.
No. Bad. Bad idea.
No. Hold it for one more year, take the depreciation...
No. I was gonna meet my dad there...
Not that good, huh? Watch this.
Not the right one, but it's a start.
Now diving for Grand Lakes University...
Now diving for the Atlantic Eastern Eagles...
Now diving in substitution for Grand Lakes University...
Now you do.
Now, all you have to do is put a new tape...
Now, can someone tell me...
Now, Dad, it's just like we talked about.
Now, Mr. Melon, you'll have three hours...
Now, notwithstanding Mr. Melon's input...
Now, the competition exploits the notion...
Nuts, huh? Who made the rules? Come here. I'm going to college!
Of capitalism, socialism and communism...
Of not just the material and construction costs...
Of our business community.
Of our new factory.
Of students all across this great land of ours.
Of subset D... of the question...
Of what went on there.
Oh, God.
Oh, golly. I'm afraid we have...
Oh, good.
Oh, good. I'm trying to teach these here apes...
Oh, great. Company.
Oh, hiya.
Oh, I don't know. I really shouldn't.
Oh, I'm sorry. This is my roommate.
Oh, it's great. We just finished up practice.
Oh, It's the deaf thing. Maybe this will cheer you up.
Oh, keep it up, keep it up! And the fraternity...
Oh, Lou, you're great.
Oh, man. You think there's any way...
Oh, never mind.
Oh, no, Dad, that's really nice, but I'm in training now.
Oh, not a chance. In the shape I'm in...
Oh, of course. Good to see you.
Oh, Oort, Oort.
Oh, Philip.
Oh, Philip.
Oh, Philip.
Oh, Philip. I'm so glad you could make it.
Oh, Ramon, you look fantastic.
Oh, really?
Oh, really? Well, I can't wait to get him in my class.
Oh, that's great.
Oh, that's it.
Oh, the chair. I'm sorry.
Oh, there's Thornton.
Oh, this is Derek.
Oh, Thornton, don't you see?
Oh, what do all men want?
Oh, yeah, we got it.
Oh, yeah. Well, you know.
Oh, yes, Thornton Melon. I know you.
Oh, you can call me Thornton.
Oh, you do?
Oh, you left out a bunch of stuff.
Oh, you were great! That was incredible!
Oh. Well, hey, bring him along.
OK, everybody, take a break.
OK, fine.
OK, folks. What's up?
OK, go with it.
OK, Jason.
OK, let's not start that again.
OK, well...
Old age should burn and rage...
On the board, you will see a cost analysis...
On the construction figures, shall we?
One, two.
Oort was this scientist, and he figured out...
Or it's back to the tree.
Or make you feel uncomfortable with me...
Or shall I wear red?
Or something else you can roll over every couple of months.
Or the Brookings Institute to come down here for about a week.
Or the I'm going blind thing?
Oral examination?
Orson Welles. Great actor, big actor.
Our friends will be here any minute.
Our most generous benefactor...
Our student body here is handpicked by me...
Part two...
Party? Are you kiddin'? It's a dog show out there.
Patting myself on the back if I were you.
Perfectly understandable, Mr. Melon.
Phil, would you repeat to Mr. Melon...
Philip, relax. It's my turn.
Philip, would you excuse me for a minute?
Pleasantly plump? A little on the hefty side, perhaps?
Please don't throw your clothes on the Breuer chair.
Please refrain from making loud noises during the dives.
Pocahontas, how are you? Ophelia, hold some of my calls.
Protruding supra orbital ridges...
Put your hand right over there, will you?
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Rage! Rage against the dying of the light!
Really? Maybe you can help me straighten out my Longfellow.
Remember, you're a Melon!
Remember, you're a Melon.
Remember... you're a Meloni.
Right, Phil, but I'd just like to say...
Right, right.
Right.
Rough beast. My ex wife.
Say hello to my nieces.
Say it! Say it!
Say when.
Say, how about joining me and my friend over there?
Saying that it was all right, then we'd reconsider...
Section three, part two...
See if you can get somebody at the Rand Corporation...
See me after class, Mr. Melon.
See you guys.
Shake it up, baby
Shake it up, baby
Shake it, shake it, baby
She passed away about ten years ago.
She would ever go out with me?
She's with me.
Shit. Swim meet.
Show it as a capital gain. We should do great.
Show me the campus. I want to talk to you.
Shut up, meathead.
Since I realize you're a highly respected member...
Since you have no high school diploma...
Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?
Small cranium, 1,300 C.C. Brain...
So let's not rush into anything.
So please, just behave yourself tonight.
So take it from me, Thornton Melon...
So you can share the thoughts and feelings of the writer...
So, are you giving up on women?
So, how you gonna write the paper, then?
So, let's start by looking at construction costs...
So, whatever it is that I have said here today...
So, where did you learn how to dive?
Somebody heckling a diver.
Sorry, Phil.
Sorry. Just trying to help. That's all.
Sounds fun in there. Come with me.
Such as football is, in fact...
Such as ours is to create young minds...
Surely a man of your age and experience...
Take care of yourself. I love you.
Take it easy, honey! I didn't see a thing.
Take it easy, will ya?
Take it easy. It's the first day.
Take this down.
Take your down payment and put it into CDs...
Tape recorders? Are you kiddin'?
Thank you, Dean Martin, President Sinclair...
Thank you, Mr. Melon...
Thank you.
Thank you. I'm dead.
Thanks for the vote of confidence.
Thanks.
Thanks. Are you taking astronomy, too?
That a freshman has given this address.
That all proceeds from the refreshment stands...
That concludes Atlantic Eastern's ten meter dives.
That I am totally against this.
That is immaterial...
That the smeared out density of matter can be no greater...
That understand that the business of America...
That was beautiful.
That was pretty good.
That will be quite enough, Mr. Melon.
That's a good question.
That's Derek Lutz.
That's ever happened to me in my whole life!
That's great!
That's how I feel about it. So why don't we dive right in...
That's one of the things I like about this place.
That's right, Dean Martin.
That's the greeting we get. Come here, will ya?
That's the spot, baby.
That's the spot. Just keep doing that.
That's why I'm taking astronomy, to learn something!
That's why I'm taking astronomy, to learn something!
The actual amounts that are involved here.
The allegations that you've made to me?
The answer is...
The answer is... four?
The best lack all conviction...
The best lack all conviction...
The best thing about kids is making 'em.
The business of America is business...
The common feelings of all mankind...
The diving coach won't even talk to me.
The Dylan Thomas poem...
The entire international monetary system.
The failure of Vietnamization to win popular support...
The feelings of being alive.
The football team at my high school was tough.
The girls don't like me, the fraternities don't want me.
The guy who underlined them could have been a maniac.
The high school I went to...
The Japs will kill us on the labor costs.
The leg is better. You got the cramp out.
The library. I was supposed to be there.
The man who's made it possible...
The Melon Patch Kids are not orphans.
The next question for us is where to build our factory.
The only Greek I know owns a coffee shop on State Street.
The point is that we are here to honor...
The quick and the dead.
The reason you want to read these works...
The stupid clod thinks he can buy his way out of the gutter.
The thing is, I'm sort of going with someone.
The toy division has come up with a new doll idea...
The Triple Lindy.
The way a Christian takes the Bible...
The way a lot of people hold their marriage sacred.
The whole world is there. It's the best thing...
The world's oldest living freshman...
Then I really went nuts... I married Vanessa.
Then there's the kickbacks to the carpenters.
Then transfer title to the California Corporation.
Then we'll manufacture our product and market it.
There are two kinds of people in business today...
There are two kinds of people in business today...
There should be no problem, should there?
There was a guy, did the most amazing dive...
There will be an additional springboard installed...
There you are.
There's a lot of other stuff here.
There's a pep rally for the football team.
There's the long term costs, such as waste disposal.
There's Valerie Desmond.
These classes can be a real inconvenience.
These kids were in grade school at the time.
They also told me you're not on the diving team.
They are my friends, and I'd like to keep them.
They asked a kid to prove the law of gravity.
They grieved it on its way.
They have lockers.
They only think about themselves.
They said you were the towel boy.
They went after his family.
They're abandoned.
They're just blowing off steam.
They're not gonna reschedule the classes around your massage.
They're not that tough.
They're takin' a break, that's all.
This college thing was a big mistake.
This is always the best party of the year.
This is always the best party of the year.
This is an awkward moment for me, Mr. Melon...
This is disgraceful. I should phone security.
This is gonna cost you... plenty!
This is something you do to pass the time...
This is the dad, and that's Lou.
This is the first time...
This morning we're going to look at The Great Gatsby...
This one I can't figure out. There's you, there's Giorgio...
Thornton Melon.
Thornton Melon's Tall and Fat... 150 locations across America.
Thornton, do you remember when we discussed...
Thornton, think.
Thorny.
Those bastards!
Tickets to all Grand Lakes sporting events...
Tie him up with a golden lariat and force him to tell the truth?
Till you go out in the real world and start buying people.
To accept you as a student?
To an obviously unqualified student...
To complete the examination.
To go along with our children's clothing line.
To let MacArthur go in and blow out those commie bastards!
To point out that a violent ground acquisition game...
To show you how sensitive they are.
To the left, baby, to the left.
To the planetarium and look at a lot of stars.
To truly share and understand...
Together, we made mud.
Tonight, your mother and I are having a big party.
Twist and shout
Twist and shout
Undermining the efforts of our legitimate students...
Valerie.
Wait a minute!
Wait a minute. I'll be right down.
Wait here, I'll try this one.
Walking with a dead man over my shoulder
Watch my sandwich, will you?
We are working, after all.
We call them Melon Patch Kids.
We could talk about Joyce. She's my favorite writer.
We drive 300 miles to see the kid...
We got a big meet coming up against Northern.
We got economics tomorrow at 11:00.
We got it all done.
We had a good thing going, you know?
We haven't begun yet.
We should start thinking about forming a...
We think it's a winner.
We was just...
We were doomed from the start.
We were supposed to go to dinner.
We were supposed to study, remember, in the library?
We would like to remind you...
We'll celebrate. We're havin' a party!
We'll construct our physical plant...
We'll get ourselves a new towel boy.
We'll go over it later.
We'll have a party after the meet.
We'll set up an efficient administrative...
We're both intelligent, well educated adults.
We're going to jump right in with both feet...
We're going to jump right in with both feet...
We're going up to that college to see my son!
We're gonna get on the astronomy line...
We're wasting time.
Welcome to Contemporary American history.
Well, as well him as another.
Well, boys, what do you think?
Well, he's really committed.
Well, I didn't know you wanted to get involved...
Well, I'm not that upset.
Well, let's face it. Are you fat?
Well, no, it's, you know...
Well, now you can eat all you want...
Well, right now, we're between semesters...
Well, that's one interpretation.
Well, The Great Gatsby, he was...
Well, Thornton...
Well, um...
Well!
Well...
Were back here partyin', puttin' headbands on...
Whaddaya say? Let me in, OK?
What a surprise. Another shit faced Melon.
What a woman.
What am I doing here? What are you doing here?
What are you doing here?
What are you going to do about it?
What are you looking at?
What are you worrying about?
What did he want?
What dive is he gonna do?
What do I do then? There's the private sector...
What do I think? I think you're nuts.
What do you charge for big cars?
What do you mean, you'll do it with me?
What do you say? Come on.
What do you think, someone else wrote this?
What do you think? Yeah, it's great.
What do you want me to do, torture him?
What does that make you think of?
What happened in there?
What happened?
What is that clicking noise?
What is the Oort system and what does it tell us?
What kind of marks is these?
What lovely girls.
What penmanship.
What rough beast, its hour come round at last...
What?
What?
What? And you believed him. I never lied to you in my life.
What? And you believed him. I never lied to you in my life.
What? I'm sorry.
What's a guy your age doing here with these kids?
What's a widget?
What's goin' on?
What's going on here?
What's going on here?
What's going on?
What's happening?
What's that supposed to mean?
What's that? Fuck me?
What's the matter?
What's the matter? The swim meet?
What's the product?
What's your story?
When I told you I wanted to quit?
When I used to fall asleep in high school.
When she said, I do, I should have said, With who?
When you go jogging, do you leave potholes?
When you make love, do you have to give directions?
When's our first class?
Where am I going?
Where you been? I called you a hundred times.
Where? Under her dress?
Where's the lab report on psychology?
Which will encompass both factory and office space...
While the teams are warming up, we'd like to remind you...
While the worst are full of passionate intensity.
Who are here as a result of hard work.
Who are you?
Who coached him in high school?
Who has time? I see the movie. I'm in and out in two hours.
Who I don't have to remind anyone is the donor...
Who see with blinding sight.
Who, him?
Who's the dean of our school of business.
Who's this?
Whoa, Dad. She's not my mother, she's your wife...
Whoever did write it...
Why are you acting like this?
Why did you have to take on the whole football team?
Why don't we go?
Why don't you come around about 7:00?
Why haven't you called?
Why, in 1975, we pulled our troops out of Vietnam?
Why? I don't get it.
Wild men who caught...
Will you just get your ass outta here?
With a lot of useless theories...
With guns that didn't work, going up against Charlie...
With your fierce tears, I pray.
With your old man behind you...
Without an education, he's nothing.
Working on your ethics, I was out there...
Would you do my astronomy homework...
Yeah, but a great view. You're all right, officer.
Yeah, but you're, like, smart smart.
Yeah, I guess so.
Yeah, I know.
Yeah, I seen it.
Yeah, right. They got paint all over my girlfriend.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, you're short and ugly. Give me the pen back, will ya?
Yeah? Want to make something of it?
Yeah? Well, you came to the right place...
Yeah. Cool!
Yeah. Drink up, enjoy yourself, huh?
Yeah. It's a piece o' cake.
Yeah. Thanks, Melon. I'd wish you luck, too...
Yeah. Where we failed to achieve victory.
Yeats goes on and on... and here's the finish.
Yes, I was. Look, I know I'm only a freshman...
Yes, sir, Mr. Melon.
Yes, sir.
Yes, we have miles and miles of fabric.
Yes, when I put the rose in my hair...
Yes, yes.
Yes! Yes!
Yes. And how he kissed me under the Moorish wall...
Yes. And then he asked me would I yes to say yes.
Yes. If you've done the work you say you have...
Yes. The point is, though...
Yes. Yeah, I would.
You all want us to know you can cry.
You better cool it with Dr. Barbay.
You can be whatever you want to be.
You can do anything in life you want to do.
You can do anything you want in life.
You can do anything you want to do.
You can't concentrate when you're hungry.
You can't work on an empty stomach.
You could donate my body to science fiction.
You could lose a couple of pounds.
You delivered the paper on isomagnetic brain waves...
You do a good job.
You do those obnoxious commercials.
You got a major paper coming up on Kurt Vonnegut.
You got a problem?
You got it.
You got it. Anyway...
You got some spare time.
You gotta look out for number one.
You have got midterms coming up.
You have no class, Thornton, and I am tired of it.
You have no idea what I want to do.
You have no taste, Thornton.
You haven't even read any of the books.
You haven't studied five minutes since you got here.
You jerk!
You just got here. You just started.
You know what you almost never see?
You know what you got, Mr. M? You got class.
You know who I am?
You know you twist it, little girl
You know, he tried out for the team last semester.
You look thrilled. It's not my theory.
You made it on your own.
You mean your friends.
You mind if I sneak in the line with you?
You never went to college. Look how great you're doin'.
You OK?
You ought to teach them how to go to the bathroom.
You remember that thing we had about thirty years ago...
You should try my Tall and Fat stores.
You sign up for whatever interests you, OK?
You tell her he's never coming home.
You there.
You told me that a man without an education is nothing.
You too, huh? She's showin' it to everybody.
You want me to move some people for you?
You want to be a loser, be a loser.
You want to be a winner, be a winner.
You want to cut into line with us?
You want to work in the shop with me, huh?
You were on the team because you deserve it.
You were pretty hard on your father last night.
You wish to enter this widely esteemed...
You won't have to beg.
You, spend too much money? No.
You, too, honey. I'd like to tame your shrew.
You... I want you to call his mother.
You'll get used to that.
You're a wreck. You gotta start working out.
You're always so neat.
You're having such a great time. I'm getting out.
You're impossible.
You're just like your Uncle Vito.
You're kiddin'.
You're kiddin'. I'm from Jersey.
You're never gonna learn a goddamn thing...
You're not doing too much, are you? You studying?
You're not gonna believe this!
You're not the usual freshman, but I'm sorry, I can't.
You're perfect.
You're right, Dad. It doesn't matter, Dad!
You're right. I married you, didn't I?
You're smart, too.
You're tall and fat.
You're up next, Chas.
You're welcome. I did, too.
You've ever said to me at one time?
You've insulted our friends, you've insulted me...
Your friend looks a little strange.
Your friends, they come here for free food, free booze...
Your papa loves you.
Yours truly.
11:00? No good.
And what's this? Your astronomy report.
Are you comfortable? I'm fine, yeah.
Bye, Val. Bye.
Can I borrow that? Let's move on.
Dad, what's going on here? I'm doing my homework.
Excuse me, señor? Nothing. It's all right.
Gimme a beer. I'm sorry, señor.
Here you go. OK, right.
Hey, there's your boy! Jason!
Hey, Valerie. Hi.
Hi there. Hi!
How about tomorrow night? I have class then, too.
How do you do? Thornton!
I can explain that, too. OK, explain it.
I have so many things to do. Oh, come on. I'll help you.
I liked the old house better. So did I.
I tried, Pop. I can't do it. Then try harder!
I'll see you in English. All right.
I'm droppin' out. You're droppin' out?
I'm Jason Melon. Hi.
Is it because of last night? No. I can accept the fact...
Is that hard? It's impossible.
Is that your real hair? What do you think?
It's a rotten time. OK. I understand.
It's an exceptional painting. Oh, the painting.
It's probably menstrual. Screw you, Melon!
Jason dive yet? Not yet. Did you pass?
Jason's on the phone. Jason.
Later. My son's on the phone. But, Mr. Melon!
Let's go. We're there. Whoa, wait. What is this?
No. Oh, thanks.
Oh, please! Oh, Philip!
OK, fine. All righty.
or do you actually read this? I read this. It's Karl Marx.
Phil? I'm outraged.
Shake it now Shake it
She's very proud of it. I'm proud of mine, too.
So you're gonna give up? I can't win.
Streetcar Named Desire. Great movie. Marlon Brando.
Take that, it's OK. I don't have any kids.
Thank you. You're welcome.
Thanks. Please be on time.
That your kid? Yeah.
The Council of Trent. Excuse me?
They said you weren't a member. I can explain that.
Turgeson? You know him? Is he good?
We're thinkin' of going over. To Melon's? Are you nuts?
Well, you look terrible. No, I'm all right.
What about Macbeth? I saw the movie.
What's wrong with used books? They've already been read.
What's wrong with you? What's wrong with you?
What's your favorite subject? Poetry.
When? Now.
Who is that? That is Mr. Thornton Melon...
Who was that guy? Yours truly.
Yo, Dad. Jason, hold it, will ya?
You look great. Oh, thanks.
You're all right, kid. Thanks, Lou.
You're kidding! I'm not kidding! Just go!
'cause I just made... ta da... the diving team.
'Cause I know that's the popular version...
'Cause I was a lot happier when I was miserable.
'Cause Truman was too much of a pussy wimp...