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The War of the Roses (1989) The War of the Roses is a dark comedy film released in 1989. Directed by Danny DeVito, it stars

The War of the Roses (1989)

The War of the Roses is a dark comedy film released in 1989. Directed by Danny DeVito, it stars Michael Douglas, Kathleen Turner, and Danny DeVito himself. The movie portrays the tumultuous divorce between Oliver and Barbara Rose, escalating into an outrageous battle for their opulent home. With its remarkable performances and twisted humor, The War of the Roses has become a cult classic. To relive the sounds of this wickedly funny film, you can play and download them here.

A bump of some sort.
A civilized divorce is a contradiction in terms.
A family tiff seems to be developing.
A few of them good.
A field of crystal.
A good dog to the last bite.
A nor'easter was blowing the last of the tourists
A rare relief of a Shinto goddess
A solid reason.
A wealthy French couple had ordered a special design
A woman?
Aah!
Aah!
Aah!
Aah!
About the sweetheart of your youth.
Actually, I read that kids who are deprived
Actually, we got it quite reasonably.
After the Larrabee confirmation hearings.
After this many pretty god damn good years of marriage,
After what happened to the Roses.
Against your law practice
Ah ha ha!
Ah, what a night!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah! Ah! Oh!
Aha! How about that?
Ahh! I feel great.
Ahh.
Ahh.
Ahh...
All I am and all I have I owe to you.
All I have and all I am, I owe to you.
All right.
All right.
All right.
All right. All right.
All right. All right. I'm leaving right now.
All right. Go on. Go home.
All those lives going on out there,
Almost.
Although I am getting going my own catering business.
Although women would, women like me.
Although, I suppose,
An excellent start.
And a little money.
And about drugs, don't do them,
And after 3.8 billion years of evolution,
And Barbara labored seven days a week
And cat people should marry cat people?
And even that gray stove in the kitchen.
And face the awful question...
And fill my heart with love
And find a large Ziploc bag?
And God bless you.
And has dedicated her life to him and her children,
And have a bunch of strangers tromping through it.
And here.
And how do you get rid of someone who won't go?
And I can work on her, get her to fold on this house thing.
And I cling to your image.
And I convinced the man to sell us his half cheap
And I couldn't stop.
And I got so scared, I had to pull over.
And I knew what it would feel like to be alone in this house,
And I was getting on the expressway,
And I'm going to stay.
And I'm not going to let you get away. [Crack]
And it all became clear.
And it was.
And it's red for you.
And knocks you right on your ass.
And look at this.
And nobody's called.
And Oliver looked at me, and then... Oh. Ye... No.
And sex, don't catch anything.
And she said she did,
And she said that you weren't dying.
And she sweated every one of them.
And suddenly I had this very strong feeling
And suddenly, from the next room,
And that Art Deco rug,
And that does not necessarily make me
And that phony laugh.
And that phony laugh.
And that wasn't enough, and then I tripled it,
And then I'll make a celebration dinner, and I'll bring it up,
And then, one Thursday afternoon,
And they were always yellow, too, remember?
And they will be 18 in one year,
And they're over the edge.
And through all this
And try to find some shred of what you once loved
And we came upon
And we live here.
And we live here.
And when she left...
And when trouble begins,
And you can have everything in this house.
And you owe me a reason that makes sense,
And you'd better get yourself a damn good lawyer.
And you're helpless.
And, uh, that's our Baccarat story.
And, well, everything seemed to be under control.
And, well, you know what that feels like...
Any dealer would give you at least $1,000 for them.
Anyway, here we were in this immense room
Are you all right? You OK?
Are you expecting a call?
Are you OK?
Are you talking to me?
As a cry for help.
As a professional and a friend,
As people go, and...
As quickly and cleanly as possible
As you are all my favorite clients.
At 15, I became an evolutionist,
At least not the kind of house that we want.
At our core is still mud.
At the bottom of a New Jersey scum swamp.
At the bottom of the ocean?
Baccarat.
Barbara and Oliver Rose.
Barbara Rose.
Barbara Rose.
Barbara, against my advice,
Barbara, I have work to do.
Barbara, let me finish.
Barbara, Susan's here.
Barbara!
Barbara!
Barbara?
Barbara.
Barbara.
Barbara.
Barbara.
Barbara... Barbara, I'm sorry.
Because her children are about to leave her
Because I can't stand who they are.
Because I decided to put it there. That is my house.
Because I have a bit of a cold.
Because I never think anything really terrible
Because I've got her to accept the ground rules.
Because it might be viewed by some as unethical.
Because the all important thing here
Because you do not buy a house
Because,
Before I met Oliver.
Being a waitress on Christmas Eve
Bennie!
Bennie!
Bennie?
Bennie?
Bennie.
Bennie. Come on. Let's see if he'll go for it again.
Besides money...
Better get me while you can afford me.
Between what she does...
Bless you.
Brilliant. What about you?
But Barbara came up with the idea of time allotments.
But Barbara came up with the idea of time allotments.
But he was definitely moving up in the world.
But I am proud of what I have accomplished,
But I could pay you.
But I didn't.
But I got a scholarship.
But I just wanted it, OK?
But I knew you were OK
But I still love you.
But I think you should have a drink for this next part.
But I was wondering if I could borrow a sleeping tablet.
But I'm going to do it.
But if you don't want me to, I...
But it's probably fine.
But let's face it. I don't need to work, not for the money,
But now I think I know.
But now you'll never get it.
But she had so many friends.
But somebody's got to pay for all this.
But that won't interfere with my duties.
But the gloves are off!
But the little kids who get it all the time,
But the way I saw it,
But they are all my favorite dishes,
But this morning I woke up screaming,
But we can use it, too.
But you'll like it. It's peppermint flavored.
By studying photography or opening an art gallery
By the time it was ready, they were getting a divorce.
By the time summer school starts,
By the time you receive this,
By the time you... Boy, what a handwriting.
By your invitation.
Bye!
Bye.
Call my wife.
Can
Can be all bad.
Can I take some more dessert to our room?
Can thrill me like you do
Can we go up and pick our rooms?
Can you hang on just one second
Can't you see the guy's dying over here?
Certainly, sir.
Certainly.
Chicken shit.
Child support.
Civil code title 16904, section C.
Come here, sweetheart.
Come on, Gavin, let's have her arrested.
Come on, here. Get in.
Come on, it's Christmas time.
Come on, kitty kitty kitty, come on.
Come on, kitty.
Come on, put your shoes on, Barbara.
Come on, you.
Come on. Come on!
Come on. Come on.
Come on. Let's hear it. Let's hear it!
Come on. Smash my face.
Come on. This is a great day.
Come on. You want to smash my face?
Come outside with me, Mr. Rose.
Coming through!
Commonly known as a hiatal hernia,
Continuous...
Could be just this.
Could happen to me or the kids or you,
Could I have a word with my wife, please?
Could you get this hiatal hernia,
Crammed with beautiful things.
Dad, hurry! All right! OK!
Daddy. Daddy.
Dear homeowner,
Did I do something? Did I not do something?
Did Oliver send you for it?
Did she get to you, huh?
Did someone call my wife?
Did you bang her?
Didn't want to worry you needlessly.
Disturb me?
Do I hear 15?
Do I hear 25 for this exceptionally exotic item?
Do it. Do it.
Do you promise?
Do you see that?
Do you see what she's doing?
Do you think you're having a heart attack?
Do you understand?
Do you want me to call around first
Does not automatically get the house.
Don we now our gay apparel
Don't apologize.
Don't be led by your emotions.
Don't be silly.
Don't even talk to her.
Don't leave like this.
Don't let this bother you.
Don't talk!
Don't worry. Your luncheon's going to be terrific.
Don't you touch that.
Each of them can hold at least 200 pounds.
Elke, Elke, wait a minute.
Especially for folks with respiratory problems.
Especially if the rumors around town are true.
Ethical or not.
Even now, when we disgust each other?
Even though they reside under the same roof?
Even though they reside under the same roof.
Eventually you'll ask her that question.
Eventually, but not today.
Eventually, you have to finish
Every piece of furniture is where it is
Everyone should know about it.
Everything I made went into that house.
Except I kept what happened out of the papers.
Except you.
Except your shaving gear and... His clothing?
Excuse me, Mr. Thurmont,
Excuse me. You working?
Experiencing things we'll never know.
Fa la la la la la la la la
Fa la la la la la la la la
Fa la la la la la la la la
Figs?
Filled with everything Baccarat had ever made.
Filth. Faggot!
Fine.
Fine.
Fine. Josh, plug it in, please.
Fire!
Fire! Dad!
Five bucks.
Folks who couldn't afford separate
For being multiorgasmic.
For only you
For us to have your personal asset liability state...
Frankly, I'm concerned about you, Oliver.
From Sesame Street
From the money I get cashing a check.
Fuck face.
Gavin doesn't care about making partner.
Gavin told the state attorney general
Gavin, ever since this thing started,
Gavin, get a ladder!
Gavin!
Gavin!
Gavin! Gavin!
Gavin...
Gerald, you're going to take it?
Get me some pictures, upper G. I.
Get out of the car, hon.
Get over here.
Get that, would you, Oliver? [Ring]
Give it to me. Uh!
Give it up.
Give that to me.
God damn you!
God, don't talk!
God.
God. I hope they didn't notice what a jerk I am.
Going twice... [Tap]
Good night, buddy.
Good night, Dad.
Good night, Mom.
Good night, Susan.
Good night, sweetheart.
Good night.
Good night.
Got it?
Green is neutral.
Grr.
Guess I'll go clean up.
Ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
Hang in there, Oliver.
Have you ever made angry love?
He doesn't have a wife and kids.
He had his eye on the future.
He will.
He's a Bennie boy. We love our Bennie boy.
He's a Bennie boy. We love our Bennie boy.
He's mine.
Heh heh heh heh!
Heh heh heh heh.
Heh heh heh heh.
Heh heh heh.
Hell of a litigation.
Hello, darling. Sorry I'm late.
Hello!
Hello?
Hello?
Hello? Oh, Mr. Larrabee.
Hello.
Her salary is a base, so I doubled it.
Here is to Oliver and Gavin
Here we go. You're going to love this.
Here, boy.
Here, kitty kitty kitty.
Here, kitty kitty, kitty kitty!
Here, kitty kitty!
Here, kitty kitty.
Here, kitty kitty.
Here, kitty. Here, kitty kitty.
Here, puss, puss, puss, puss, puss!
Here, puss, puss, puss, puss, puss.
Here, puss, puss, puss, puss!
Here.
Here. Put this on.
Hey, Bennie. Dumb dog.
Hey, skip down here to...
Hey.
Hi, honey.
Hi.
Hi. How are you? No, no, it's not too late.
Hi. What are you doing?
His house, his car, his wife, and his shoes.
Hiya!
Hmm hmm hmm hmm
Hmm!
Honey, give me those papers.
Honey, I can't talk right now. I'm with a client.
How are his vital signs?
How do you hold on to someone who won't stay?
How far? Tell me.
How kind.
How much did you pay for it?
How much does it cost?
How you doing?
How's it going?
Huh.
I always loved you.
I am the one who found this house. I bought everything in it.
I backed out the driveway...
I can do anything I want.
I can't believe you didn't call us at school, Mother.
I can't do that.
I can't read it, but the next line says,
I can't read your handwriting.
I can't.
I care, all right? I care.
I cherish you.
I couldn't have done it without you, Oliver.
I couldn't have done it without you, Oliver.
I couldn't remember whether you wanted a twist
I did this house myself. I did a great job...
I didn't have the strength to sign it.
I didn't see any point in alarming you
I didn't think I should leave her in the reception area,
I do, too, Barbara.
I do, too.
I don't believe it! A Morgan!
I don't believe we've met.
I don't got.
I don't have a car...
I don't have much money,
I don't know if we should leave,
I don't know, though. My body's getting kind of big.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't mean just for us, but for you, too.
I don't remember Mother mentioning you,
I don't think so.
I don't think that there's anything
I don't think you should stay in the house.
I don't want to try!
I don't want you to read it.
I expected a little more imagination from you, Ollie.
I feel good.
I feel like there's some things I should tell you.
I find it hard to believe.
I found that house.
I got great news.
I got more square footage.
I got scared because I felt happy.
I got stuff I got to do in my room.
I got to catch the last ferry.
I got to cut this out.
I got to have shelves put in the closet,
I got us enough booze for the whole trip.
I got you...
I guess at this point, there's no reason
I guess I'm on top now, huh?
I guess you're the only one
I had this little case made for it.
I had to get up in the middle of the night looking for Sominex.
I hadn't smoked for 13 years.
I have $10 from the premature young man in the gray raincoat.
I have the food editor from the Post out there.
I have to go out.
I have to sign it tomorrow, which is why I gave it to you last week,
I have.
I haven't been into feet since '82.
I honestly didn't know I was.
I hope I'm a better man now than I was.
I hope it's not poisoned.
I just can't bear to put it up for sale
I just feel kind of strange.
I just want to smash your face in.
I just... I didn't want to disturb you.
I kept the last cigarette from my last pack.
I kind of live with the assumption
I knew everything would be all right.
I know I'm a better lawyer
I know it was kind of crazy,
I know something happened.
I know this house too well!
I know.
I lie here, feeling my life ebb away,
I loosened the bolt.
I lost my train of thought.
I love Nantucket.
I love the rain.
I love this house.
I love your house!
I made you some sandwiches for the trip.
I may be gone.
I may be gone.
I may have let you have the house,
I mean, I felt...
I mean, I have a wonderful house
I mean, I have raised two kids on my own,
I mean, I live in this neighborhood, too.
I mean, I should be the one trying to get the divorce.
I mean, I think I'm a good person
I mean, my mother bought her glasses at the A&P.
I mean, the Volvo is a fine car.
I mean, this house is so beautiful,
I mean, what with all the, uh, you know.
I mean, you're going off to college.
I must have hit a couple of switches when I was cleaning up.
I need this to end.
I need to write her a note
I never would have guessed.
I never would have thought of figs.
I opened a great old one
I owe you a squeezie.
I promise. Everything's just going to be great.
I quote. My love,
I really can't talk about it.
I really don't think it's such a good idea to give them sweets like that.
I really don't want to be married to you anymore.
I recently married.
I said, If I never smoke this one cigarette,
I shall give you that in cash.
I should have seen her toes in the pit of my crotch
I should think about going into business.
I still
I thank merciful God for you.
I thank you so much for caring.
I think everybody had a great time, don't you?
I think I can swing this over
I think I've breathed freely with both sides working
I think the Larrabee confirmation hearing
I think what you can't believe is that I don't want you.
I think you should hear the story, though.
I think you're going to be very well served by our firm,
I thought it was important.
I thought you told her that she was entitled
I thought you were Barbara.
I thought you would advise him to move out.
I thought you'd never arrive.
I told her what?
I told you I would handle it.
I understand what you're saying.
I used this once for a freebie divorce I did for my cousin Paulie.
I used to resent jokes like that.
I want a divorce.
I want to ask you one last time
I want to file criminal charges, and I want her thrown in jail.
I want to push to sell the house and divide the proceeds.
I want to start living a normal life again.
I want you at your best.
I was going to drive to the hospital,
I was going to drop it on you.
I was happy to be free,
I was just trying to keep things going.
I was on a gurney being rushed to intensive care
I was surprised, happily surprised
I wasn't exactly sure why I didn't go to the hospital,
I went ahead, and I set up the interview.
I will be thinking the best for you.
I will send her home.
I will take you with me to eternity.
I won't let you down.
I won't start the clock yet.
I won't.
I work my ass off to make enough money
I would have done it.
I would like you to understand that if I were to hire you,
I wrote you a note
I'd almost forgotten what it felt like to make money.
I'd be glad to help you
I'd just like to put today behind us, OK?
I'd love to be done with this, too, Oliver.
I'll be home early.
I'll bet I get this house. Five bucks.
I'll find one.
I'll get the extinguisher!
I'll get the pen back once we get up there.
I'll give you the chandelier. [Breathing Heavily]
I'll never smoke again. Period.
I'll pay for it with my own money.
I'll wait with you.
I'm a lucky guy.
I'm also attending a few classes at William and Mary College,
I'm at my best.
I'm coming home. Love you.
I'm doing it.
I'm Dr. Gordon. This is my associate.
I'm fine.
I'm getting a lot of referrals. I can support myself.
I'm going to find you, sweetness.
I'm going to meet him at his club in Philadelphia.
I'm going to save you whether you like it or not.
I'm going to urge you
I'm in fantastic shape.
I'm in the middle of something now.
I'm making money with my business.
I'm married.
I'm Maureen.
I'm more than happy. I'm way past happy.
I'm not convinced.
I'm not even going to ask you what that means.
I'm not really that hungry.
I'm not rich or anything.
I'm only trying to make your life easier.
I'm pissed at you.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. That's shitty.
I'm sorry. You were just rambling on.
I'm sure it's all right.
I'm sure your mother
I'm telling you, one way or another, you're going to lose.
I'm the bad person. Let's just blame me for this.
I'm the one rushed to the hospital
I'm the one who's living in a hotel room.
I'm trying to get a doctor for you, baby.
I'm very upset.
I'm waiting for Barbara to pick me up.
I've always taken care of my kids.
I've had trouble sleeping.
I've thought about this a lot.
If anything important happens,
If I could just find someone
If I had taken her offer.
If this is a who can sink lowest fastest contest, you won.
If we end up together,
If you don't want to interview the lady,
If you ever consider selling,
If you have something to say, I'd like to hear it.
If you hear of anybody who might...
If you're looking for trouble, Barbara, you found it!
If you're with a woman for any length of time,
If your divorce is settled in court,
In case she doesn't get here in time.
In case you didn't get there in time.
In exchange for the house and all of its contents
In exchange for the house.
In my future.
In the market district called the Pas de Cochon.
In the past five months,
In your own life, by this point,
Indigestion.
Is an exquisite Japanese carving, circa 1700,
Is everything all right?
Is keeping hot, sticky weather in the Potomac area.
Is Mrs. Rose all right?
Is my wife here?
Is that going to make you feel better?
Is that what you're going to put on top?
Is there any other way? Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Is there somebody else? Another man?
Is this who we are?
Is to get you through this
Is very profitable.
It comes at you from directions you'd never expect.
It didn't stop him from getting a foot job all through dinner.
It doesn't matter because I'm not going to sell it.
It isn't apples.
It isn't pears.
It looks, um...
It made me feel like trading in the Volvo
It may not be a bad idea
It might matter to you.
It might not have been the lights.
It says...
It shows that you're committed to the property,
It sounds like who knows what going on down there.
It took six months to get the floors exactly right,
It was our fifth anniversary.
It was so, so pretty.
It was the final day of the season in Nantucket.
It wasn't the heart. It was a rip, a tear.
It'll work.
It's 3:00 in the morning.
It's a Christmas present. I used my money.
It's a fly. Where'd it go?
It's a Morgan.
It's a right hand drive.
It's a short.
It's all going to work out.
It's always just when you think you got it figured out,
It's cozy. [Starts Engine]
It's fantastic, isn't it, Elke?
It's for Josh.
It's freezing outside. It's snowing.
It's going to be harder than hell is what it is,
It's going to kill me.
It's got a little bit of rust.
It's green for you.
It's hard to believe we can't be happy.
It's mine.
It's more important to me
It's nice to see
It's no big deal, and they turn out normal.
It's not a short. One of the ornaments is touching the sockets.
It's not going to be easy.
It's not Waterford.
It's over.
It's Saturday.
It's the return of the Bald Avenger.
It's too heavy. It'll pull you off.
It's your life.
It's, uh, it's kind of an interesting story.
Jason Larrabee said he'd call to confirm lunch tomorrow.
Jesus Christ!
Josh.
Just let me get the door for you.
Just not together.
Just seems weird, you know?
Just so no one gets confused about what was said?
Just think about it for a minute!
Just to the corner.
Just... About women.
Kiss Daddy.
Kiss.
Kitchen first.
Kitty kitty kitty.
Kitty, wait.
Ladies and gentlemen, 31 going once...
Lawyers, we never sleep.
Lawyers...
Leaving so soon, baby doll?
Let go of me. Let go. Uh! Uh!
Let me go. Uh!
Let me have it.
Let me restate that.
Let me show you where your room is.
Let me think, now. Ummm...
Let's all sit down and work it out, find some compromise.
Let's eat.
Let's get festive.
Let's get him to C.I.C.U.
Let's go.
Let's just concentrate on the job at hand.
Like a weight had been lifted?
Like a weight had been lifted.
Listen, did you get a chance to look over that contract for me?
Listen, Susan,
Look for a high today of around 92 degrees.
Look how crazy you are about yourself right now.
Look it up, tootsie pie.
Look, I don't want to create a scene.
Look, I respect you, Oliver.
Look, I'm not keeping score, but if I were keeping score,
Look, it's vital to the firm this comes off without a hitch.
Look, just because you screwed up
Look, why don't you go to the house
Looks like tinfoil.
Love you. Miss you. Want you.
Lunch is on tomorrow with Larrabee.
Madge, take it easy.
Madison. I got a scholarship, too, gymnastics.
Man...
Maybe a rake or a bulldozer.
Maybe a week, total.
Maybe because of what happened, I've become too traditional.
Maybe I can up your price, huh?
Maybe I will.
Maybe I'll take a little time off
Maybe I'm starting a business.
Merry Christmas, Bert.
Mine, too, babe.