The Invention of Lying (2009) Edit

A bit fat.

A little frustrated at the moment.

A terrible place, the worst place imaginable.

About what happens after you die.

About what happens after you die.

Actually, that's not entirely true.

Ah, I was thinking of a horrible mansion!

All of Babylon and Mars were invited to join the celebrations.

All right, do me a favour. Let me do the talking, okay?

All right! That's it! Get out of the car! Come on out here! You're drunk!

ALL: Yeah!

Also, equally depressed and pessimistic about our date tonight.

Also, equally depressed and pessimistic about our date tonight.

Also, I think we're ready to order.

Also, I tried calling you and you never answer your phone.

Also, my boss said he's probably gonna fire me this week.

An eternity of nothingness.

And 'cause I just got an e mail from a woman who...

And a large part of me just wants to bag you

And a lifetime of financial stability and physical security.

And all of the survivors of the Great Ninja War

And also the hours are pretty good for the amount of money I make,

And Anna, do you agree to stay with Brad for as long as you want to

And brought the robot dinosaur to its knees, saving Mars, Earth

And do you know what's gonna happen?

And everyone gets a mansion.

And have them read the stories that people know and love.

And he makes me feel special. He makes me happy.

And how incompetent you are at yours.

And I came across a desert, and I fell asleep under a tree, palm tree.

And I hate things that I don't understand.

And I lean over and just turn it off.

And I like the way you see the world.

And I told her, I said,

And I unearthed it, and it was an ancient chest.

And I was upset with overweight homosexual.

And I will have the fillet, rare, because it's expensive,

And I'll always be more successful than you in nearly every way,

And I'll probably have three more drinks by the end of the night.

And I'll probably never hear from you again, but...

And I'm just waiting for that mansion, you know?

And I'm not happy.

And I'm saying back, I'll give him a chance...

And I'm the only person in the world who knows that.

And if we were to get together and procreate,

And if you were attractive, like Brad.

And in that chest was this.

And it lasts for an eternity. An eternity, Mum.

And it was as easy as... How do I explain this?

And Mark would become very wealthy and famous from it.

And maybe have sex with them, too.

And maybe one day have children that aren't...

And mocked by Brad and Shelley, two huge douche bags.

And my little apartment and just kind of hang out by myself and drink and watch TV.

And no expense would be spared.

And not really looking forward to tonight in general,

And she said she didn't want to just enter a world of nothingness.

And she will probably suffer a fatal heart attack sometime tonight.

And she'll most likely never call me again.

And she's right.

And so Napoleon invaded Russia

And sometimes that can come across as a bit harsh.

And successful and famous changed your genetics,

And that's it. It's Coke. It's very famous: Everyone knows it.

And that's just the way it is.

And the Black Plague were present.

And the last two scripts you turned in were depressing.

And the rest of it just sort of happened on its own.

And then just like that, it's all gone.

And then write, The duck flew all the way to Alaska to meet up

And there was a bear, and...

And they shouldn't expect their calls returned,

And to protect your offspring for as long as you can?

And to protect your offspring for as long as you can?

And try to finish masturbating without you hearing.

And we've added a polar bear, so the kids like us.

And who says you'll make a better husband

And yet, moments ago, it was unfathomable, not only to myself but to mankind as a whole.

And you are fun to be with.

And you can be part of it.

And you have an eternity of joy.

And you know I'm happy because I'm smiling.

And you know that I'm successful

And you said you were gonna try and do it without me hearing.

And you see the world in a way that nobody else sees the world,

And you want me to take this over to Lecture Films?

And you'll be young again.

And you're a little man bitch.

And you've got a freckle there I've never told you about how much I love.

And your kids would be, too.

Anna and I are very happy together, by the way.

Anna: Mark, wait!

Anna: Short, sweaty, bald guy.

Anna: Sorry.

ANNA: Yeah, I'm disappointed that you're early

Anna.

Anthony is coming up with in the hour to see if he can get up the courage to fire you.

Anthony?

Any messages?

Anything at all?

Anything at all.

Anything else? Any messages not to do with being fired?

Anyway.

Anywho, I'm still gonna need you to breathe into this for me.

Are there shopping malls?

Are we married yet?

Are you better looking?

Are you still lonely? Have you found someone yet?

Aren't you scared you'll get bitten one day?

Armed with muskets and supported by cannon brigades.

Arrest you there, embarrass you in front of your neighbours.

As long as you don't do any of that bad stuff that you mentioned, right?

As you can see, people have jobs and cars and houses and families,

At an old people's home.

At Lecture Films, we just want to take the big name readers of the day

Awful crimes, ****, murder, things like that.

Bears and ducks in cars.

Because he's a loser.

Because I love you.

Because I'm too afraid to take enough to actually kill myself, so...

Because if I was going out on a date with you...

Because it would make me happy.

Because Mark's in love with you and I enjoy watching him fail.

Because on this occasion I landed in something soft.

Because she's happy with me.

Because the man in the sky told me.

Because the noise from my alarm clock interrupts my sleep.

Because there's something about you that I don't understand,

Because this is one of the best discoveries

Because you are sensible.

Because you've seen my apartment and the clothes that I'm wearing.

Before I pronounce these two man and wife, is there anyone here in this building

Being around you makes me happy.

Birthday coupon for sex.

BOB: (ON RADIO) Thanks for that, Jim. Next up, Mark Bellison.

BOB: It's as simple as this, Jim. Just look at the guy.

BOY: Enjoying your ice cream, you fat loser?

Brad Kessler.

Brad, do you agree to stay with Anna for as long as you want to

Brad: Ah!

Brad: Hello?

Brad: Hey!

Brilliant.

Burglary. Houses, mainly.

But all of that was interrupted when a giant, flying spaceship

But everyone tells the absolute truth.

But he doesn't want it because we're not married.

But how did you say something that wasn't?

But I also think I deserve something that tastes good.

But I can have the one thing that he can't.

But I can help you with a withdrawal. How much would you like to withdraw today?

But I don't care. I'm trying to h it bottom.

But I don't hold out much hope for the future.

But I haven't got any financial assets to speak of.

But I won't really know how I feel about you till I'm a little less drunk.

But I would... I would lose respect for you...

But I'd rather just get all the money and not have to work for the results.

But I'm different now. I think I'm in your league.

But I'm gonna get her out of there tomorrow.

But I'm saying, it doesn't have to be, just by...

But I've always been threatened by you

But it won't affect what happens to you after you die.

But later on in the story, his luck's gonna change

But sometimes you spend your day in bed, eating and crying.

But that doesn't change the fact that he's still a loser

But the thought of being alone the rest of my life

But they've got no choice in the matter. It's their nature.

But today I was handed the reins to the 18th, 19th, and 20th centuries.

But what I mean is, look beyond just their appearance and look at them.

But when I asked you if being rich

But you said you wanted to withdraw 800?

But you'll always be a loser.

But you're a loser, which doesn't really count.

But, listen, do not, whatever...

Bye.

Came out, yeah, sure.

Can I get a discount on a ten speed?

Can I... Do you mind if I...

Can we... Number five,

Can we... Please. Number six,

Can you forgive me? Did you eat something? Is it food poisoning?

Can you tell me how much is in your account?

Changed the can around a little bit, though.

Cheers, cheers.

Coke's very high in sugar, and like any high calorie soda,

Come in.

Come in.

Come in. What?

Come on, let's up the stakes a little bit. Come on.

Come on!

Come, watch me read about the exciting events

Congratulations! I gotta go.

Crashed down from the skies and landed in the heart of Babylon.

Crippled by disease and hunger,

CROUPIER: Congratulations, sir.

CROUPIER: Get your bets in. Get your bets in.

Crowd: Yeah.

Decides if you go to the good place or the bad place.

Did he cause that tree to land on my car last week?

Did I ever tell you about the time I saved a baby from a burning building

Did you buy new clothes?

Did you come to beg for your job back?

Did you want large bills or small?

Didn't you say that it made her happy to hear them?

Didn't you say that it made her happy to hear them?

Do not get in with a shark. It will just... I was just...

Do not have sex with anyone unless you are married to them

Do not...

Does being rich and famous change your genetic material?

Does he deserve all the money and fame

Does he have my genetics? My confidence? My charisma?

Doesn't matter. Uh... The end.

Don't blow this.

Don't buy a dog just to starve it for a laugh, but... Can we...

Don't do that.

Don't do this.

Don't look at me. I'm not attracted to you.

Don't you wish you could change things?

Don't you wish you weren't such a loser?

Drinking got to a point where he lost his job, and with a family to support,

Each day is worse than the last.

Entertaining and even hilarious moments from world history,

Even though I know it's bad for me.

Every bet is slightly favoured towards the house.

Everybody!!

Everything you need to know

Exactly.

Exactly. Yeah.

Excel lent.

Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me.

Fantastic.

Fantastic.

Fantastic.

Fatty, fat faggot.

Few more hours like this and then

For what?

Frank.

Gervais: So if you're a chubby, little loser like this guy, for example,

Get excited. Don't tap, get excited.

Get very excited,

Good luck with finding a job, eh?

Good.

Good. Number two,

Gotta put it on channel three for the satellite to work.

Great. I'll get those two started.

Greg: Don't tell me not to puke 'cause that'll make me puke more.

Greg: I think I'm gonna puke.

Greg: Ow!

Greg: Sorry!

Greg!

H ere comes bottom. Pull over.

Hang up, Mark.

Hang up, Mark.

Happiness.

Has a funny little snub nose.

Has told us that we can do two bad things and still get into our mansion.

Have the children that I've always wanted.

Have you been to the gym?

Haven't even got a job.

He doesn't even know it himself yet.

He had no choice but to turn to a life of crime.

He is...

He killed my grand mother and left me those millions of dollars?

He lives higher than the clouds, too high to see him.

He makes up for it by giving you an eternity of good stuff after you die.

He's a mixture of all our ethnicities.

He's also taller.

He's fat, he's stupid looking. What else do you need to know?

He's not drunk.

He's probably a high powered businessman.

He's smart, he's funny, and he's kind, and he is loving.

He's the guy that saved my life on that fishing trip when the boat capsized?

He's very sweet and kind to me.

Hello, Brad. One moment.

Hello, I'm Angelo Badsmith.

Hello, Officer. How are you?

Hello, there. I was just coming in to check on her.

Hello, this is Anna.

Hello.

Hello.

Her blood pressure is dropping rapidly,

Her heart is very weak. Her pulse is not very strong.

Her vitals are dropping.

Hey, do me.

Hey, you're Mark Bellison.

Hey! Good luck, douche bag.

Hi, Brad.

Hi, I'm Bob: I'm the spokesperson for The Coca Cola Company.

Hi, it's Mark.

Hi, Mark.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi. I'm threatened by you.

Hi. That was the head of the studio.

Hi. That was the head of the studio.

Hold on, wait, wait. Let's get to know each other first.

Hold the elevator.

How come you never told me we all get mansions?

How do you know these things?

How do you spend your days?

Huh?

I agree.

I already have. Martha Bellison, I'm her son.

I also hear he's most likely getting fired today.

I also think you'd make a good father and a good husband, which I like.

I always knew that the Black Plague would never work as a movie.

I apologise, sir.

I brought pizza.

I couldn't stand the look on my mum's face when she was dying.

I did all this, but...

I didn't. It was his idea.

I do this sometimes. I get a little...

I do.

I don't do well with other people's life changing stories.

I don't even know your...

I don't find you attractive.

I don't have a lot of hope for you either, but I wish you good luck.

I don't know what's wrong with him today, but these just look awful.

I don't know, I just did. I just can.

I don't know.

I don't like that idea. Not a fan of that at all.

I don't think anyone can write a better screenplay than Brad Kessler.

I don't think there'll be a next time.

I don't think there'll be a next time.

I don't understand anything you just said.

I even turned some people against you.

I feel awkward now about being early.

I feel like when I set the price up higher, it takes it out of the realm of petty crime

I get up at 8:00 in the morning

I got about $300 left in my ban k account.

I got another plain.

I guess

I guess congratulations on selling your script today.

I had a better time than I thought I'd have.

I had a wonderful mother who raised me.

I have $800 in my account.

I have no interest in you romantically.

I just don't want to go in there today. I just don't, you know?

I just masturbated.

I just need to get... I know, I'm sorry. Pardon me. Pardon me, please.

I just thought that chocolate sauce was diarrhoea.

I just won the major jackpot on that machine, but no money came out.

I know I'm in my 40s,

I know some things, some very important things

I know what I want.

I know you can't hear me.

I know you didn't have to do... You're very pretty! Good night!

I know you're not up there in a mansion.

I landed, baby safe. But then this bear...

I love you, Mark.

I love you, too, Mum.

I made her happy.

I mean, don't those people have jobs?

I mean, I don't think you have the choice to keep it in.

I mean, just what do you see? What do you see in me?

I mean, look at you. How can you possibly be better than me?

I mean, you might lose your job if the boss doesn't like it,

I might.

I need some time.

I need to finish getting ready.

I never really knew him.

I only have a certain amount of time that I can find my ideal genetic partner,

I realise more and more every day how overqualified I am for this position

I said something that wasn't.

I said something that wasn't. I...

I say fuck the man that lives in the sky!

I shouldn't be d riving.

I shouldn't kill myself?

I stand corrected.

I think she's probably checking on the date. It won't take long.

I think that's what I'm gonna do tonight.

I thought I was your best friend.

I thought that like... That suffocation idea,

I thought that was like a really good idea, you know?

I understand why you want me to have the small Caesar salad, but I am very hungry.

I want you to start immediately 'cause I think this could be

I was just masturbating.

I was thinking.

I was up last night researching on the Internet,

I went for a walk, right out of town.

I went on a date last night with a girl I've had a crush on for years,

I wish I had something better to put these on, though, like tablets.

I woke up this morning and realised, not only do I not love you,

I would because I...

I would like the offspring that are carrying half my genetic code

I'd get all the money.

I'd get money.

I'll be in the office, don't...

I'll be wrinkly and old, ugly.

I'll call you later.

I'll care.

I'll drive.

I'll go.

I'll have the fish tacos 'cause it's what I had last time I was here.

I'll let her know. That is good news.

I'll let you work.

I'll see you tonight.

I'll take one.

I'm a l ion tamer, and I'm wearing a wig.

I'm a one armed German space explorer.

I'm a pi rate.

I'm an Eskimo.

I'm Anna. Come on in.

I'm gonna get her a mansion,

I'm gonna need you to breathe into this for me.

I'm gonna say that, judging by the look of this car,

I'm gonna see my mother again when I die.

I'm gonna send that bottle back.

I'm gonna think about this later.

I'm good.

I'm having...

I'm here today to ask you to continue buying Coke.

I'm just asking for one teensy, weensy little date.

I'm Mark. How are you?

I'm on pills that make everything orange!

I'm so scared, Mark.

I'm sure it's the drink you've been drinking for years

I'm the one who should be living in a mansion and talking to the man in the sky.

I'm thinking you've started masturbating, 'cause it's like it's too quiet.

I'm worried the restaurant I've picked isn't expensive enough for you.

I've been busy with work and things and...

I've been throwing up pain killers all night

I've come home early. I'm having a bit of me time.

I've finished.

I've got to keep my mouth shut from now on. Why did I...

I've known him for a long time, and he never told me that.

I've made a terrible mistake.

I've seen you twist your ankle crossing the street.

If he can't, he said that he'll definitely do it tomorrow.

If I could be a stripper, I would, but I'm not attractive enough. Drinks?

If I could do anything?

If I do just one bad thing, do I go to the bad place?

If I don't sleep with him,

If I gave you my number, would you call me?

If I'm not dead, then sure.

If she were happy with you, what is she doing standing up here with me?

If the dog dies, it's bad, but it's not... I mean, don't do it on purpose.

If you could change anything, if you could do anything,

If you could make the world the way you wanted it to be,

If you do bad things, you won't get to go to this great place when you die.

If you had an okay time, then please say yes.

If you must know, I'm incredibly stressed at work.

If you tell me this is what you really want, I'll go.

In fact, this building is where Lecture Films' talented writers

In my situation.

In Rome, Italy, they wait. In New York City, they wait.

In that place, everyone will get a mansion.

Instead, you go to a really great place.

INTERVIEWER: You call him on the phone, on a telephone?

Is also responsible for all the good stuff that happens.

Is that 'cause you just got fired?

Is that why you came over to talk to me? To tell me you hated me?

Is the rule.

Is there anything else I can do for you today, sir?

Is there only one place you go when you die?

Is this what you really want?

Is written on these pizza boxes.

It began like any other day. The sunrose, babies began to cry.

It can lead to obesity in children and adults who don't sustain a very healthy diet.

It does not look very good. She suffered a major heart attack.

It doesn't. O u r kids would be little fat things with snub noses.

It means just because he's talking to the man in the sky

It says here that you only have $300 in your account,

It seems our system has made a mistake. Let's get you your $800.

It tastes good, and I'm important.

It tastes so good, Mommy.

It was a barrel of jam. It was a jam factory on fire.

It was then that...

It wasn't.

It will be the best screen play ever written by anyone.

It would make no sense.

It's a bit sweet.

It's a coupon for birthday sex. So it's sex with you 'cause it's my birthday?

It's a never before heard event from history.

It's a shame that being rich and famous doesn't change your genetics.

It's about... Can I just read it, please?

It's all I can afford

It's all I know.

It's all right, I'm feeling lucky.

It's all right, though. Seems nice. Kind of funny.

It's all right. Don't think twice. How is your mum, all right?

It's all right. It's okay.

It's basically just brown sugar water.

It's fajita night downstairs in the cafeteria,

It's gone now. I'm on 35 black, by the way.

It's hard to describe.

It's Monday at noon. You're not supposed to be at home now.

It's not a world of nothingness.

It's not about the Black Plague! It's not just about the Black Plague.

It's not an eternity of nothingness.

It's not broken.

It's not totally your fault, Mark. You got stuck with a tough century.

It's the 1300s. What am I meant to write about?

It's the adrenaline.

It's the best mansion you could ever think of.

It's the best one you've had all year.

It's the most important thing the world has ever heard.

It's the way of the world, Mark.

Jebediah and Aleena were allowed to marry by alien King Wanglor.

JIM: And what about the hundreds of people camping out on his lawn?

JIM: I say fat loser, Bob.

JIM: Stay tuned, we got weather in five.

Just a second while I access your account. You said you were withdrawing 800, correct?

Just because you come from a more privileged family

Just been evicted from my apartment.

Just chat, just talk to him, sure.

Just give it up.

Just keep working, don't worry about...

Just please tell me.

Just start on the bread, maybe, then work my way up there.

Just stop.

Just tell her what the man in the sky wants, Mark.

Just tell me what you said, Mark. Please, just tell me.

Just tell me what you told your mom.

Just tell them what you know.

Keep the noise down.

Kids will love that, won't they?

Kind of like a frog in the facial area.

Later.

Lecture Films would go on to make the picture, and it'd be a huge success.

Let alone four of the most popular ones.

Let him know what a wonderful person you are just by...

Let me get that fixed for you. And can I say congratulations, sir?

Let me talk to her.

Let's go have some fun.

Let's go to the editing bay, where we can watch them put the final touches

Let's hang out. I'll see you tonight.

Let's have a drink. You look like you'd like a...

Like baseball!

Like that happy chap over there.

Like, suffocation suicide.

Listen carefully.

Listen to me, you don't understand. The things I told my mum...

Listen to what I've got to say.

Listen, I know you said you didn't wanna go on another date with me, ever,

Listen, the reason I'm calling is I want to ask you out on another date.

Little fat kids with snub noses.

Look, I'm not coming in to work today.

Losers are losers. That's all they'll ever be.

Lost my job today, Mum.

MALE NARRATOR: Coming soon from Lecture Films,

MALE NARRATOR.....proudly presents The Industrial Revolution.

Man has ever discovered.

Man in the sky forbid.

Man lives in the sky, you can't see him. He controls everything. Cool?

MAN: (ON TV)...first used roughly 4,000 years ago on Celtic chariots,

MAN: Good job!

MAN: The man in the sky, in his infinite wisdom,

Mark also has the man in the sky

Mark Bellison is who the man in the sky chose to speak through,

Mark Bellison was just your typical nobody writer.

Mark Bellison. Table for two.

Mark, how's it going?

Mark, I've already told you, we don't do Black Plague movies here!

Mark, try to enjoy your loser life.

Mark, what you know is gonna change man kind forever.

Mark: Cheers.

Mark: Come in.

Mark: Do not puke in front of an officer of the law.

Mark: He spent the last years of his life in jail.

Mark: He's carrying a briefcase. He's in a hurry.

Mark: I miss you, Mum.

Mark: Number three,

Mark: So that's it. I got the girl.

Mark: Sorry, people. I've got a lot to get through here. Can we just...

Mark: Thank you.

Mark: Today, I stumbled upon something that no man has ever stumbled on before.

Mark: Wait, wait, listen.

Mark: Well, then, if you forget, I mean, it's bad for the dog.

Mark: You can't tell that from just looking at the guy.

Mark.

Mark.

Mark's never had more than one century.

Marko.

Maybe I'm in your league and that we could be together, romantically.

Millions of years into our existence?

Mmm!

More importantly, what are you doing?

Morning, Shelley.

Most likely, though, this will be our last date, so just know that.

Motel.

Mum.

Murdering people on purpose.

My dad was an alcoholic.

My mum was dying, she was scared, she was shaking all over,

My name is Doug.

My night's opened up.

Napoleon: 1812 to 1813.

Napoleon: 1812 to 1813.

No one does. I'm still the only person who can tell a lie.

No one listens to what they really want.

No other writer's ever had that many centuries,

No, how did you survive the jump?

No, I came to say good bye to you,

No, I just got nervous about firing you. I just don't do well with confrontation.

No, I just...He's speaking to me now.

No, I know, but I'm just...

No, I won't be sleeping with him tonight.

No, it's not! It's Mark!

No, she hasn't blown it by boring me.

No, you won't. Not to me.

No!

No! Good idea.

No! We have to have sex. The world is going to end!

No?

No.

No.

No. More powerful. I think you have to see it for yourself.

No. Probably not even a kiss.

No. Sorry, can we just meet up? It'd be best.

No. There is no hairstyle that can put you in the bad place.

Not because it's turned, but because I want to appear discerning and powerful.

Not caring about my own safety, got the baby, jumped out.

Not now. Let's...

Not only am I the head writer of the coveted first century,

Not the one you're thinking of right now, but ever.

Nothing new is gonna have happened in the 1300s.

Now, if you'll just fol low me over here, I will give you a sneak peek

Number one,

Of course not.

Of course there isn't. I invented it.

Of course you should.

Of course. Come with me.

Of Lecture Films' upcoming summer blockbuster,

Officer, you don't need to do that.

Oh, agreed. That, too.

Oh, and I think I'm getting fired today. How about you?

Oh, and Shelley thinks you're an overweight homosexual.

Oh, come on, Mark.

Oh, good.

Oh, he's coming.

Oh, hold on. Hi, NASA. Yeah, it's me.

Oh, I... I want to date her... I want a second date.

Oh, I'm not too great, actually.

Oh, I'm sorry about that, sir.

Oh, Mum, this is so depressing. At least look out of the window.

Oh, Mum.

Oh, no. I just thought of vanilla and skunks.

Oh, not really.

Oh, please, Mark, continue.

Oh, please. I know all your friends, and they're nothing like that.

Oh, sure.

Oh, sure. Of course, we'll have to get married to use it.

Oh, that makes me happy.

Oh, then go right in.

Oh, this is bad.

Oh, wait, Mom, don't change it. That's my very good friend.

Oh, yeah. That's pretty much off the chart. You're drunk.

Oh, your baby is so ugly. It's like a little rat.

Oh!

Oh! Hi, Mark. Didn't you get my e mail?

Oh! I'll have the Caesar salad with chicken because I think I'm fat,

Oh! Thank you for kissing me on the cheek.

Oh! The system just came back up.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. What the...

Okay, so I don't need to kill myself.

Okay, you're annoying me now.

Okay?

Okay.

Okay. But everyone knows you are.

Okay. Bye!

Okay. I'll be searching for new jobs on Craigslist.

Okay. I'll be searching for new jobs on Craigslist.

Okay. Let's try that.

Okay. Number nine,

Okay. What do you see when you see this fellow here?

Okay. You, too. Bye. Sorry about that.

On the upcoming Lecture Films feature, The Invention of the Fork: Right this way.

On the very first day of the 14th century, a momentous occasion occurred.

One minute, you're alive,

Ooh, we want our credit before the film starts, 'cause...

Oops.

Oopsie! Excuse me. Um, oh, excuse me.

Or here on this lawn,

Or is he just some fat loser who hears things from the man in the sky?

Or just even better paper.

Or option two, you just come in and wait for the police here.

Out of the way, fatty!

People don't talk about it, but death is a horrible thing.

People say exactly what they think,

Physically, genetically, socially, economically.

Please, don't marry him.

Please, man, I...

Please. Please let me help you.

Pretty awful.

Probably gonna be homeless. Mark Bellison.

Quick.

Really old. Seven hundred years old.

REPORTER: Twenty four hours ago,

Roulette's the stupidest game of all. It's all chance. There's no skill whatsoever.

Roulette's the stupidest game of all. It's all chance. There's no skill whatsoever.

Sad.

Say hello to Dad for me.

Scares both my mother and me equally.

Scour the world's past events for the most dramatic,

Screenplay by Brad Kessler and starring Nathan Goldfrappe,

See you tomorrow.

See? You're Brian with the Great Smile.

Seems like a waste of time.

Settled.

Sexually?

Shall I ask you some questions about yourself?

Shall we?

She still doesn't fully understand how I said or did all those things.

She thinks her kids deserve the best possible start in life.

She what?

She will have the small Caesar salad because I don't want her to get fat.

She's a prize on your arm. And your kids will be, too.

She's at the top of our death pool.

She's my best friend.

She's very control ling and impatient.

She's way out of your league.

Shelley: He's awesome.

Shelley: Just...

Shoot you without provocation, and then I could lose my weapon.

Shoot, no.

Short Fat Brian.

Shut up!

Side note,

Sir, I'm gonna ask you to exit the vehicle one more time.

Sir?

Sir?

So I have to withdraw whatever I've got in my account to move my things out.

So I said, You're wrong about what happens after you die.

So I'm just really happy that that's gonna happen.

So I'm not gonna be able to perform an account closure until it's back up.

So look forward to that.

So no one left any messages.

So she can spend the rest of her life in luxury.

So then the thermosphere?

So we can't...

So you might wanna grab yourself a little bite down there after Mom dies.

So you'd like what? What am I gonna get you now?

So, he's kind of a good guy, but he's also kind of a prick, too.

So, what are you gonna do now?

So, what are you gonna do now?

So?

Some days I stay in bed, eating and crying.

Someone like Brad Kessler.

Sorry for the inconvenience.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Sort of feeling of self worth if you're... Yeah.

Start reading.

Stop that!

Sure.

Sure.

Sure.

Sure.

Taking their stuff, doing things to people they don't want done,

Talk to you later.

Tell me something about your family. I don't know that much about you.

Tell them it's for kids.

Tell them to film that one this week.

Telling him stories no one's ever heard before.

Telly's broken.

Testing over the credits. The credits that no one cares about.

Thank you! Oh, thank you!

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thanks.

That doesn't sound like a happy life. That sounds like a long, miserable one.

That guy's a coward, hiding up there doing bad things to us.

That is a coupon for birthday sex.

That looks good.

That makes me scared and angry.

That makes me think of your vagina.

That only makes this worse.

That their genetic match up will be most likely to produce favourable offspring

That took place during the Industrial Revolution,

That you'd still be contributing half the genetic code to our children.

That'll be really great because it's eternal,

That's 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, $800.

That's a fantastic wig.

That's a very lifelike prosthetic.

That's all.

That's good.

That's Mark Bellison, by the way,

That's nice.

That's so weird I never knew your real name. Doug is good. It suits you.

That's the loser that thought the Black Plague

That's the one.

That's too much, I think. Why so high?

That's what I said. But hold on, though. What about the coupon?

That's what I'm talking about.

That's why I came over here, actually. I wanted to give you this invitation.

That's why I'll always be alone.

The 1300s, they're so boring.

The best screen play ever written.

The burning building, baby, bear, factory, jam incident?

The coupon, it's just such a...

The greatest movie Lecture Films has ever made.

The main ones are things like hurting people physically, on purpose, okay?

The man in the sky who controls everything

The man who lives in the sky and controls everything

The moment the bride and g room kissed,

The one about not being good enough for you?

The person who'll give you the kids you've always wanted.

The story you're about to see takes place in a world

The wedding was held on a brisk summer's day on Mars.

Then he'll find another acceptable mate who would sleep with him.

Then why are you marrying him?

Then you're all alone and at the bottom of the pile.

Then you're evicted. You got one day to get your stuff out of here.

There he is! That's him!

There is a man in the sky who controls everything.

There is no man in the sky.

There's a much higher probability that I'd be jumpy,

There's a very good chance you'll lose all this money here tonight.

There's got to be something better on TV than this.

There's Mark Bellison, one of Lecture Films' very own screenwriters.

There's no pain.

Thereby erasing all knowledge of these events for about 700 years,

They feasted and danced and laughed, and it was a joyous occasion.

They just called me. What's going on?

They said I'm probably gonna die tonight.

They were about the Black Plague.

They're holding hands. They're in love.

They're saying you know something different about what happens after you die.

Things aren't much better for me here. But could be worse.

Think how amazing it would be if you didn't smell of vomit.

Think I have to close my account.

Think of the children! Think of the little babies.

Think that went well.

This bear is coming toward, big, lumbering, eating machine

This is incredible.

This is it, Mark.

This is the most amazing night of my entire life.

This isn't natural! None of this is natural! We're all animals!

Three bad things and you're out.

To be well taken care of, financially stable.

To buy it again sometime soon.

To do the same for all of these people.

To read off of teleprompters and then filmed for your viewing pleasure.

To share in the wedding of Brad and Anna,

Today I was handed a very impressive promotion.

Today, people are saying he has new information

Turn it off. That's more specific than I thought.

Twenty four hours ago, Mark Bellison was just your typical nobody writer.

Two attractive young people

Two nerdy losers in hats?

Uh, he's a new type of ethnicity.

Uh, okay.

Uh, tall, big hands for making stuff. Good head of hair.

Uh... Get everyone in here, right now. We got a big one.

Unfortunately, none of that changes the fact

Unfortunately, sir, the system is down right now,

Until one day, a great writer by the name of Mark Bellison

Verbally, not with... Because he will then go,

Wait a second.

Wait, there was a burning building and a bear?

Was, for the most part, unchanged by man until the late 1800s.

We are here today, sitting in this building,

We come from a long line of losers. It's not your fault.

We could be homeless.

We have a winner.

We have to know everything that's bad.

We have to stop that evil bastard before he kills us all!

We might enjoy it.

We're gonna live!

We're not gonna throw it away.

We're sort of what you'd call u n lucky.

Well, actually, it arouses me.

Well, because, if you look...

Well, Brian.

Well, don't eat that, then.

Well, don't... I'm not happy for that. What...

Well, I do like you and I do enjoy your company.

Well, I don't think I'm a loser.

Well, I just wanted to say good bye, and I've always hated you.

Well, I was gonna rob your house.

Well, I'm just gonna leave, and you don't know my name.

Well, I'm not gonna do it now because you're in.

Well, maybe we just will.

Well, no, it won't be that long, because the more I drink, the faster I'll die.

Well, no.

Well, no.

Well, now, it's not up to us to decide what we get in life.

Well, of course he is. Look at you! A shark would be sweet and kind to you.

Well, that was one of the worst experiences of my life.

Well, that's everything I know.

Well, then I'll be thinking, Will he fire me, won't he fire me?

Well, when you fired me, I was seriously depressed.

Well, when you fired me, I was seriously depressed.

Well, why have you invited him here?

Well, would you please tell us what he's saying?

Well, you're stupid.

What about if you forget to feed your dog?

What about smoking? Can we smoke up there?

What are we doing here? We don't have any money to throw away.

What are you gonna call this, Mark?

What are you ordering?

What can I do for you today, sir?

What constitutes a bad thing?

What did you land in?

What do you mean, she's gonna die tonight?

What do you mean? Look at him. He's a loser.

What do you see when you look at me?

What do you see when you see those guys?

What do you think?

What else would you do? If you could do anything.

What ethnicity is he?

What I've done, they'll write about in history books for generations to come.

What if I want them to live in my mansion?

What if I wanted him to be more than just my friend?

What kind of crime?

What would be the point?

What, I can't be depressed

What?

What?

What's going on?

What's my name?

What's that supposed to mean?

What's the first thing you'd do?

What's the word for it? There is no word for it.

What's this place called?

What's this?

What's your name?

Whatever the best mansion is you'd like, that's the one you're gonna get.

When does it take place?

When he tells the world's first lie.

When you die, all the people you love will be there.

When you die, there will be free ice cream for everyone.

When you die, you don't disappear into an eternity of nothingness.

When's your launch date?

Where is she?

Where will you go?

Which are then turned into scripts, handed over to our world famous readers

Which I spend on things I like, such as clothes and hiking and drinking,

Which is money.

Which is what you just said.

While doing that, I might realise I'm still horny

While I did enjoy your company,

Who believes they offer a better genetic match up to either party?

Who have come to the conclusion that this wedding will be mutually beneficial,

Who says your kids will be better than mine?

Who with?

Why am I wearing clothes? How do you people live like this?

Why are you here?

Why did you say there was?

Why do you hate Mark so much? He's a really good friend of mine.

Why doesn't he do it to our faces?

Why don't you just ask the man in the sky what he wants for Anna?

Why don't you just tell me what the man in the sky wants?

Why don't you tell me what the man in the sky wants for us, Mark?

Why is there all this concrete?

Why would you do that?

Why? How much do you charge?

Why? I mean...

Why? Why does it have to be?

Will I get to have sex with people there?

Will they have their own mansions?

Will you tell us more, please?

With a brute force of nearly 700,000 men behind him,

With everyone at their televisions and radios,

With his friend who was a polar bear who lived there.

WOMAN: Help me get my dress off.

World's not gonna end. We don't have to...

Would make an interesting film.

Would make an interesting film.

Wow!

Wow!

Wow! I just took one of the biggest poops of my whole life.

Written by the most beloved and esteemed screenwriter of his generation,

Yeah, but I'm still here now, so...

Yeah, but...

Yeah, classic. So, I land.

Yeah, got that, cheers.

Yeah, I was gonna come and talk to you today. I got fired yesterday.

Yeah, I've never seen a black Eskimo.

Yeah, that guy's evil!

Yeah, well, how come we're just finding out about these things now,

Yeah, well, I heard a baby crying and so I ran in there through the flames,

Yeah, you have, look.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. And do you know what that makes you?

Yeah. Everyone's read it.

Yeah. Good. Good observational skills.

Yeah. Of course. Everyone gets a mansion.

Yeah. Right, but check this out, okay?

Yeah. Shitty little woollen ones, instead of sex.

Yeah. Someone says that to me every time I come here.

Yeah. That's about it.

Yeah. You're gonna meet someone.

Yes, but does he look like this?

Yes, but is there a movie there?

Yes, I do. I could walk out that door now.

Yes, I'm with him right now.

Yes, sir.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes. Still going to die.

Yes. Well, why...

You already know a lot about me.

You are definitely the most interesting person I know.

You are going to be with the person who's right for you,

You are so much more than just short and fat.

You are, Mum. Definitely.

You bet yeah.

You can see the colours are different there,

You can't afford my bribe.

You did admit yourself that, you know, we got on.

You eat that. You liked it so much. Why don't you eat some more?

You get three chances.

You go to the best place ever, where all your friends are

You go to your favourite place in the whole world.

You got $300. Rent a truck.

You guys ready to order or do you need a moment?

You have to tell them everything you know. You have to. It's too big.

You have to tell them everything you know. You have to. It's too big.

You haven't lost yet, man.

You haven't thought this through.

You heard about the stuff that I told my mum the other night.

You just said every flavour I could think of.

You know what I think of him. I think he is the world's biggest douche bag.

You know, get old, wrinkly, ugly.

You know, I'm miserable. I don't think anyone would care.

You know, so you can't really beat that.

You know, you are a near perfect match for me,

You look awful.

You make me happier than anyone I've ever known.

You must be Martha's son.

You probably sat on the remote and changed the channel again.

You read my e mail?

You see more than I do.

You should probably just get on with your work.

You sure I should do this?

You usually smile,

You'll hold someone's hand after their mum...

You'll never be ugly.

You'll run and jump like you used to and dance.

You're a sperm donor.

You're a...

You're almost definitely getting fired.

You're almost definitely getting fired.

You're an awful writer, assigned to an awful century.

You're chubby and you have a snub nose.

You're early.

You're getting paid for it, so let's take the message in case I don't get...

You're getting paid for it, so let's take the message in case I don't get...

You're gonna be happy.

You're gonna wanna blow, not suck there.

You're kind.

You're pretty.

You're right here in the ground.

You're smart.

You're the most wonderful person I've ever met.

You're the sweetest, most caring person I know.

You're very light skinned, but I can see it.

You're way out of my league, and I know you only did it as a favour to Greg

You're wrong about what happens after you die.

You've got a wonderful smile.

You've got two options. Option one, I send the police to your house, right?

Your opinion. Bye, Shelley.

Your voice is shrill. Good bye.

5,400.

35 black. No one wins.

1300s.

(GAS PS) We're gonna live! ... sex.

$800. Pardon me?

After you. Thanks.

And the polar bear... Anna: How many of these have you had?

Anna: Yes. I'll have a Budweiser, please.

Anna. You are so handsome.

Anthony, don't fire me. Oh, Mark.

Are you always happy? Usually.

B ills, large. All right, here you go.

Because I have plans later. There's a few...

Brad Kessler. Brad Kessler?

But don't go out with him. Why not?

But everyone knows that you are. Hasn't happened yet.

But, I mean, you know... It's too bad.

Bye, Mark. Bye, Shelley.

Cheers. Cheers.

Cheers. Cheers.

Cheers. Come on,

Come on in then. Do you want a cup of tea? Yeah, that'd be great.

Did he cause my mom to get cancer? Yes.

Do you enjoy that? No.

Does he cause natural disasters? Yes.

Does he live in the clouds? No.

Eh? Well, what would you do?

Even bad flavours? Why would you think of bad flavours?

Go on. What else happens?

Good luck. Thank you.

Good. So imagine how it would feel

Good. So imagine how it would feel

Good. That's settled, then. All right. Have a nice day.

Greg: Good luck out there, man. Cheers.

Haven't seen you much lately. Yeah, I know.

He's not happy. Well, how do you know?

Hello. And you're very pretty.

Hey, Mark. How's it going? Hi, Frank. Not too well.

Hi, guys. Hi.

Hi! Hi.

Hi. Are you here to abandon an elderly person?

Hi. Hi.

Hi. Hi.

Hi. I'm here for the rent.

Huh? ... if you slept with me on the first date.

I come back and do this tomorrow? Oh, well...

I did a bad thing. It's okay.

I didn't know that. Yeah, a lot of people knew it.

I didn't know they still had those. Are you a dangerous pi rate?

I don't want to go to jail. He doesn't want to go to jail.

I got plain, and I got... That's good.

I guess so. Oh.

I had a little sip of this from right there, so... Okay.

I hope you'll come. (Chuckles Softly) Why?

I invented the bicycle. I love your work.

I know. Some of the games are fixed,

I thought we'd celebrate tonight. Hmm.

I'm black. I knew it.

I've gotta go. Can't you stay?

Is cursing bad? No.

Is he saying something? He is, yeah.

Is punching someone bad? Yes.

It would? No, it wouldn't.

It's Doug. Doug.

Jam. Jam.

like the ones that use computers. I know.

Mark! Yeah?

Mark. You look like trash. Oh, your opinion.

Maybe we could add some chicken. Brad: No, no, no, no, no.

Might as well. I can't.

No, I never said that. Thank you.

No, I'll wait. Yeah?

No, listen. Don't bother. I've heard it all before.

No, no, no, stop. We're not married.

No. Brad: No.

Not too much. Hey! What are you doing with that?

Now. Thank you.

Number two... Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Oh, please, can we just move on? MAN: No!

Oh, that is exciting. It's very, very exciting.

Oh, that... I'm so sorry.

Oh, that's sweet. She's great.

Oh! But I enjoy the end result of the job,

Oh. So...

Oh. What did you want to know? Just...

Okay. Good.

Plastic. I'm very embarrassed I work here.

Please take this. Have a nice life.

Right. Hi!

Rule. Such a shame to waste it.

S peak to him. Don't blow this. (WHISPERING) Mom!

She's all right... Great. That's...

Stop Laughing. I'm gonna be sick. You're gonna be fine.

Sure. Yeah.

Surely he knows best. She knows what's best.

System seems to be back up, guys. MAN: Thanks, J ill.

That feels better. Good.

That must be hard. Yeah.

That's a strange ending. It is, isn't it?

That's up to the man in the sky. I'm talking to her.

The rent's 800. I know. I haven't got that.

The rule is... Yes, I know what the rule is.

Then I'll miss out. No, he won't.

There you go. Thank you.

This is not as nice as I remember it. What are we gonna talk about?

To you. Not to me. Yes.

Uh, I didn't... Just let him keep working.

Uh, no, I kind of gave up on that. Why?

Wait, how did you survive? Well, let me tell you.

We are all going to die! This isn't right.

Well, do you have a job? I have a job in an office.

Well, he is more than just that. There's nothing more than that.

Well, he's an excel lent match for me. Well, don't sleep with him.

Well, that's what everyone sees. I wasn't finished.

What about being late for work? Mark: No, that's...

What are you doing here? Paying my rent.

What do you do? I'm an executive.

What happens to their mansion? I don't know. It goes back on the market.

What is your name? Richard Bellison.

What, sleeping, ugly fatty? Well...

What, you told other people you hated me? Yeah.

What's that? It's a birthday card for you.

Where are we going? To get rich.

Where are you going? Out.

Who wants another drink? Yeah, please.

Why can't we be together, then? Because of the whole genetics thing.

Why not? 'Cause I have a date.

Why not? What? You were going to?

With you? Yes.

Yeah, a lot of drink. Well, then you're probably going to jail.

Yeah, definitely. Very happy.

Yeah, I haven't got it. How much do you have?

Yeah, of course. So it's kind of a test.

Yeah. ASSISTANT: Okay.

Yeah. Did he kill my dad with that heart attack?

Yes, your daughter looks beautiful. Ah!

Yes. And how did that make you feel?

Yes. And how did that make you feel?

Yes. Did he capsize the boat?

You should be ashamed of yourself! Officer.

You want it? Thank you.

You. Ah!

You'll drive? Mark: Yeah. Good idea. Thank you.

You're allowed three. No, you don't understand.

You're fired. I am fired, yeah? 'Cause I sort of...

You're going to jail. Step out of the vehicle. I don't want to.

You've always... Hated you.

You've never had a lucky day in your life. Just watch.

Your best yet. I'm so glad you like it.

Your name is Mark? Hi, Mark.

... take the message, just in case I don't get fired.

'cause I've got a big house and loads of money?

'Cause it wouldn't count.

(ALARM BEEPING)

(ALL Clamouring)

(ALL Exclaiming)

(ALL Exclaiming)

(Beeping)

(CellPhone Ringing)

(CELLPHONE RINGING)

(CELLPHONE RINGING)

(CHEERFUL POP MUSIC PLAYING)

(Chuckles Softly)

(Chuckles)

(Chuckles)

(Chuckling)

(Church Bell Tolling)

(CLEARING THROAT) Number four,

(Clears Throat)

(Clears Throat) Can I get you two started on some drinks?

(Computer Chimes)

(Crowd APPLAUDING)

(Crowd APPLAUDING)

(Crowd CHATTERING)

(Crowd CHEERING)

(Crowd CHEERING)

(Crowd Clamouring)

(Crowd Exclaiming APPROVINGLY)

(Crowd Exclaiming IN DISAPPOINTMENT)

(Crowd Exclaiming In Satisfaction)

(Crowd Exclaims)

(Crowd Laughing)

(Door Closes)

(Door Closes)

(Door Closes)

(DOOR OPENS)

(DOORBELL RINGS)

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

(Exclaiming GLEEFULLY)

(Exclaims Questioningly)

(Exclaims)

(Exhales)

(Exhales)

(FANS CHEERING)

(Footsteps Approaching)

(GASPS)

(GROANS IN FRUSTRATION)

(Guests Murmuring)

(IMITATING Mark) Do not sleep with anyone unless you're married to them.

(Inaudible)

(Inaudible)

(Inaudible)

(Inaudible)

(Inaudible)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

(Laughing)

(Laughing)

(Laughing) Good to meet you.

(Mark Exhales)

(MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING)

(MIMICS THUD)

(Monitor Beeping)

(MONITOR FLAT LINING)

(Mouthing) Man bitch.

(MUMBLES)

(PHONE RINGING)

(Phone Ringing)

(Plastic Rustling)

(PO U N D IN G ON DOOR)

(Scoffs)

(Sighs)

(Sighs)

(Sighs)

(Sighs)

(Sighs)

(Sighs)

(Sighs)

(Sighs)

(SLOW POP MUSIC PLAYING)

(SLURPING)

(SNORING)

(SOBS)

(Softly) I don't know. He forgot. Got... Seen all the stuff he does?

(STAMMERING)

(STAMMERS)

(STATIC CRACKLING)

(STATIC CRACKLING)

(STUTTERING) It is, it is.

(STUTTERING) Okay.

(Tapping on MIC)

(VOMITING)