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Dogma (1999) movie poster featuring main cast members, highlighting the tagline 'Get ‘touched’ by an angel.

Dogma (1999)

Dogma is a thought-provoking comedy film released in 1999. Directed by Kevin Smith, the movie explores religious dogma and tackles ideas of faith, redemption, and the nature of God. The story follows two fallen angels, Loki (Matt Damon) and Bartleby (Ben Affleck), who attempt to exploit a loophole in Catholic doctrine to return to heaven, triggering a heavenly war on Earth.

The film boasts a star-studded cast, with renowned actors bringing the characters to life. Alongside Damon and Affleck, the movie features Linda Fiorentino as Bethany, a woman chosen by God to stop the angels' plan, and Chris Rock as Rufus, the forgotten 13th apostle. Other notable actors include Alan Rickman, Salma Hayek, and Jason Mewes.

The soundtrack of Dogma complements the satirical tone of the film with a mix of alternative rock and religious-themed songs. Although specific band names are not mentioned, you can immerse yourself in the movie's soundscape by playing and downloading the soundtrack. With its witty dialogue and bold commentary on religion, Dogma continues to provoke discussion and entertain audiences over two decades after its release.

A black man can steal your stereo, but he can't be your savior.
A conscience...
A hundred bucks for being my guide.
A long time ago.
A muse has no place in battle.
A very relieved deity.
A while.
A woman asks for the head of John the Baptist.
A woman cuts Samson's coif of power.
A woman's body is her own fucking business.
A woman's responsible for original sin.
Actually, I was thinking more along the lines of current events.
Actually, we're in the franchised Mexican eatery...
Adultery.
Afraid so.
After all this time, it comes down to slaughter by a meat puppet?
After that it was a simple matter of waiting for a church...
After the first million years? No.
All are accountable...
All is being taken care of.
All lines are currently down.
All over a belief.
All right, but I warned you.
All right, but Silent Bob gets to live with us and you pay the rent.
All right, mistakes were made.
All right, mouthpiece...
All right, one drink. Then you're gone.
All right, Plato, sounds like you've had enough already.
All right.
All that anger, all that mistrust, all that unhappiness...
All that matters is that after all these years, we found a loophole.
All these movies take place in this small town called Shermer, Illinois...
All this means is a redefinition of that identity.
All this time we've been down here...
All you gotta do is go to New Jersey...
An incantation I picked up in the pit...
And all my rabble rousing is not doing that much above.
And as omnipotent as we are above...
And aside from the triplets here and the Golgothan...
And being that I can't even trust you enough to kill a woman...
And besides, I can spot a commandment breaker...
And besides, what if you're wrong, like you always are?
And he always gives his free points away to neighborhood children.
And he is.
And he will, at great length, whether you want him to or not.
And his wrath was bore...
And I know he's not responsible for Bartleby and Loki...
And if everyone has to go down with me, so be it.
And if my calculations are correct...
And if they get back in...
And in spite of it all...
And in the end...
And it never occurred to you that maybe she's his wife?
And its platform of noninvolvement during the Holocaust?
And just to ensure that, we're all gonna sit tight...
And one to grow on.
And over many rounds...
And people wonder why I don't go to church anymore.
And remember, incognito.
And that, my friends, is called hypocrisy.
And that's where I'm returning to in approximately, oh, one hour.
And the funny thing is, this guy could never even stand to see me work.
And there's nothing worse than watching a fucking fat man weep.
And therein lies the problem.
And they always tell you it'll hurt less with time.
And this has what to do with me?
And to do that, I think we may have to dispatch our would be dispatchers.
And what about Jay and Bob? Those guys were all right.
And when it was all over, God cast the rebels into perdition.
And when nothing she was saying was making me feel any better...
And while you know forgiveness...
And while you never see your ex husband...
And why are you watching me?
And why is that? Because I'm a black man.
And why? Because of the way he made us.
And you two meet there, hook up...
And you wonder if the other party is gonna come to their senses...
And, hello! We know what happens then, right?
And?
Angel against angel.
Angels have to cut their wings off to become human.
Any important material about Christ...
Any occasion when some yahoo claims that God has spoken to them...
Anybody? No?
Anyone who isn't dead or from another plane of existence...
Apparently not.
Are you high? I can't kill her if she hasn't done anything.
Are you insinuating that I don't have what it takes anymore?
Are you married?
Are you really that stupid?
Are you saying you believe?
Are you saying you're back in, Ms. I Can't Do This Anymore?
Are you serious? I'm a fucking demon.
As I was saying...
As if I could.
As you get older, the glass gets bigger.
Aside from the fine print, that's it.
At least I was a man.
Attagirl. Attagirl.
Back in the old days, God was vengeful and hot tempered.
Bad shit.
Bartleby and Loki.
Bartleby and Loki. They found a way back.
Bartleby, wait. Stop. Listen to me.
Be who you've always been.
Because of who you are.
Because when you're a kid you never question the whole faith thing.
Because you were tired of getting none of the credit for your ideas.
Because you're gonna help me get changes made...
Because you're pissing people off, that's why.
Behold the Metatron!
Behold the Metatron!
Behold the Metatron!
Bet on it.
Bethany figured it all out. She's a clever girl, that one.
Bethany, bless the sink!
Bethany, Serendipity here isn't technically an angel.
Bethany, where you gonna go? You know what I'm saying is right.
Bethany, you are...
Bethany.
Big deal!
Big Papa, how about lending a brother your coat till I find threads?
Biggie!
Bless the sink, damn it!
Bob, come with me. Come on!
Bought by the Complex Corporation in 1991.
Bow down, stupid!
Broadcast nationally as the Mooby Fun Time Hour.
Buddy Christ.
Bullets don't seem to affect them!
Bus, schmus.
But angels can.
But as soon as you hear you're getting this good shit...
But as you can see...
But Azrael refused to fight.
But Ebert here don't give a shit about that kind of thing...
But fat lot of good that did, right? I mean, here you all are.
But folks who build their faith on that message should be colorblind.
But him, you know...
But I can't make you.
But I can't.
But I couldn't exercise it.
But I do believe in this.
But I do believe in this.
But I get to drive.
But I'm a fucking demon.
But I'm not going anywhere until I find out where you came from.
But I'm supposed to be in it. I was the 13th apostle.
But look at it.
But no, we're servants.
But now...
But one can hardly hold the current incarnation of Holy Mother Church...
But one day he refused to bear God's wrath any longer.
But one of the drawbacks to being intangible...
But periodically the glass has to be refilled.
But she did have a husband.
But the Almighty could still putsch the whole deal...
But there is one I need to ask.
But to believe a married couple never got down, that's just plain gullibility.
But we still exist.
But what are you doing hanging around?
But what if we can and then the arch thing doesn't work?
But whoever he is was clever enough to send some lackeys after you...
But you didn't say God bless you when I sneezed.
But you know what the fuck we found out when we got there?
But you know what? That's just my pet peeve.
But, you know, they come to you with age.
Can you believe it? Me, a muse, for God's sake.
Can't we talk about this?
Cardinal Glick Cuts Ribbon On Catholicism Wow! Campaign.
Cardinal Glick?
Christ didn't come to Earth to give us the willies.
Christ loved to sit around the fire, listen to me and the other guys.
Christ told me the secret to resurrection once.
Christ?
Church laws are fallible because they're created by man.
Come on, barkeep, just one drink. One for the road, then I'm gone?
Come on, bright boy.
Come on, demon! Try that shit on somebody who's already dead!
Come on.
Come on. I don't believe in voodoo.
Consequences, schmonsequences.
Constitutionals?
Could you have believed me?
Couldn't do it. Women are insane.
Count the shells, Suck a Duck.
Created by Nancy Goldruff, a former kindergarten teacher, in 1989.
Creating an empire out of simplicity.
Crisis of faith over?
Cute. Really cute.
Damn it!
Damn right I went to heaven! Shit, that's the least he could do.
Damn! I knew I was gonna whack somebody today!
Death is a worry of the living.
Demons can't become human.
Didn't I tell you she was funny?
Die with a mortal sin and you burn. They don't wanna go to hell.
Do I make myself clear?
Do it!
Do you believe in God?
Do you drench everyone who comes in here with flame retardant chemicals?
Do you know much about voodoo?
Do you know what makes a human being decent?
Do you mind if we adjourn to somewhere...
Doesn't it pop?
Doesn't say where he's playing, just goes away for a couple hours.
Doesn't that mean anything to you?
Don't allow eons of history and life to get blinked out of being...
Don't ask so many questions. Just serve your purpose.
Don't be such a show off, Barry.
Don't run! Don't run!
Don't tell me the name doesn't ring a bell.
Don't tell me you never questioned the judgment, Serendipity.
Don't underestimate the staggering drawing power of the Garden State...
Don't worry about it. We evened the score.
Don't you just constantly question your value?
Don't you know anything?
Don't you know what's going on?
Don't you think it's time we went home?
Don't you think it's time?
Don't.
Don't. Don't, my friend.
Dos tequilas, por favor, and an empty glass.
Dude, he fell out of thin air.
Easy for you to say. You get off light in a razing.
Elvis was an artist...
Escape from hell became my all consuming reason.
Ever the fucking apple polisher.
Every Sunday.
Everybody's always up in arms about this out in the military issue.
Everything I am has been a lie?
Except the bathroom. Why?
Excuse me?
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Existence Erased.
Existence in all its form and splendor...
Fakes! Fakes! All of you, fakes! Oh, and you!
Fear.
Fill them pews, people.
Find some man, some woman, you can connect with, even for a moment...
Fine.
Fine. I'll kill her myself.
First I gotta say goodbye to Bethany. Where is she?
Flat out telling you.
For example, I'm responsible for 19 of the 20 top grossing films of all time.
For example, the crucifix.
For Sunday News Brief, I'm Grant Hicks.
For the first time I get it.
For the record, I work in an abortion clinic.
For those of you who haven't followed the news...
Forgot my little voodoo doll.
Freaked me out because he basically told me when my number was up.
Fuck you, man. Any moron with a pack of matches can set a fire.
Fuck, let's use them!
Fuck. Everyone knows that. Tell me something nobody knows.
Fucking Breakfast Club, where stupid kids actually show up for detention.
Fucking Weird Science, where this babe wants to undress and get down...
Funny you should mention that. We're not sure.
Garçon.
Genocide takes a lot out of him.
Get it?
Get off of me. I wanna see what's up.
Get the fuck out of here, now!
Get your fucking hands off me, you dickless son of a bitch!
Give her time.
Give over! I couldn't **** you if I wanted to. Angels are ill equipped.
Glad you decided to join the conversation.
Go ahead, then. Pick it up. Call it a gift.
Go on. It's okay.
Go! Go! Go!
Go.
God hates it when it's referred to as mythology.
God, please, don't come any closer! Don't come any closer! God, no!
God, there's a million things I wish I could ask you...
God's a skeeball fanatic.
God's house?
God's in heaven, and he's...
Going around killing people, about to uncase your wings.
Going out in style.
Gonna eat that hash brown?
Good afternoon, Mrs. Reynolds.
Good for you.
Good Lord.
Good morning.
Grigori?
Guess that's why I got talked into this pilgrimage.
Guess this means no more cheating on my taxes.
Guess what they do.
Gum?
Guys like us just don't fall out of the fucking sky, you know.
Had we been given free will, we could choose to ignore the pain like they do.
Hand it over, Silent Bob.
Hang on a minute.
Have you walked through the arch yet?
He assumes a human form once a month and indulges.
He begged me to take it all back.
He came to help us out.
He can be pretty flaky sometimes, but we have a lot in common.
He can't keep us out anymore.
He could. But he'd rather see you take care of this one personally.
He could've been killed. Human form does have that drawback.
He doesn't know how to make a Holy Bartender.
He gave them a choice.
He gave them more than he ever gave us.
He just snapped.
He lacks identification...
He likes to listen to people talk.
He made this flick Sixteen Candles. Not bad.
He realized who you were and what you were gonna have to do.
He remained in the middle, waiting to see who came out victorious.
He said he felt sorry for you people.
He said it himself: I'm a fucking demon.
He said mankind got it all wrong...
He said that faith is like a glass of water.
He was a booster, and it's with that take on our Lord in mind...
He was kicked out.
He's always referred to as him.
He's back.
He's been at it for a while now.
He's got a great sense of humor.
He's grown weary of your superficial faith.
He's the fucking undead! Cut his head off!
He's turned a deaf ear to your lip service prayers.
Heaven became divided into two factions...
Heavens.
Hell, no. And I was in my prime.
Hello. We'd like two tickets to New Jersey, please.
Hence all the spitting.
Her legs.
Her. And how?
Herald of the Almighty and voice of the one true god!
Herald of the Almighty and voice of the one true god!
Herald of the Almighty and voice of the one true...
Here's what I don't get about you.
Hey, Big Bird!
Hey, man, back in the old days with J.C., we used to walk everywhere.
Hey, they're getting a free show! Let me see that shit!
Hey! What I just did gave me a fucking migraine!
Hey! What say we watch a little TV?
Hey.
Hey. Where'd you come from?
Hit a demon with an instrument of God, the pure side will do the most damage.
Hit me with that fish?
Hit this shit, man. It's good stuff.
Holy shit, it's the pope.
Holy shit! Silent Bob's an instrument of God?
Holy shit. The apostle.
Hook them while they're young.
How about tequila?
How about you? When did you lose your faith?
How am I supposed to strike fear into the hearts of the wicked with this?
How am I supposed to strike fear into the hearts of the wicked with this?
How did I...?
How did you know she was listening in the first place?
How do you know about that, the angels?
How do you know...? How does she know Metatron?
How long would it take to come to grips with something that huge?
How so?
How you coping, kid?
How'd you meet?
However, if you should decide to stop being selfish...
Human, have you ever been to hell?
Humans have besmirched everything he's bestowed on them.
Hypocrites, charlatans...
I ain't got time to win you a prize. We gotta get to the fucking.
I ain't got time to win you a prize. We gotta get to the fucking.
I already did, but it takes two of us!
I always knew that thing was a bad idea.
I am a seraphim.
I am so buzzed.
I am to charge you with a holy crusade.
I beg your pardon?
I beg your pardon?
I beg your pardon.
I believe the answers that you seek lie within my companion's eyes.
I call it being dumped.
I can inspire anyone I meet and give out a zillion and nine ideas a second...
I can see the headlines now...
I can't believe this shit.
I can't believe you forgot the magazine.
I can't do this anymore.
I can't read this.
I can't wait to die.
I cannot even mention them aloud.
I could have been knee deep in shepherds' daughters...
I didn't ask you out for sex.
I died.
I don't buy it.
I don't know those kids, but they would have kicked yours...
I don't know what I was thinking in that diner...
I don't know what that says to you, but to me it says...
I don't know what to say or think, except...
I don't know why I still go, Liz.
I don't suppose it's much different from killing a human.
I don't think a killing spree is gonna make things better for us.
I don't think I have any faith left.
I feel like Han Solo, you're Chewie, and she's Ben Kenobi...
I feel so stupid...
I fell in love with you! We fell in love with you!
I forgot you were down here. How long now?
I gave my two weeks' notice, got a body, 50 bucks...
I guess I'm supposed to talk them out of it or something.
I guess we're gonna have to try and kill them.
I had planned to have a family...
I had something in my eye.
I had to do all the work.
I had to tell him.
I had to tell this little boy that he was God's only son...
I hate it when people need it spelled out for them.
I hate thoughts like that.
I hate you.
I have issues with those who treat God like a burden instead of a blessing...
I have seen what happens to the proud when they take on the throne.
I have to get back to the pit before they get suspicious.
I haven't seen the moron twins in a while. How about you?
I haven't seen you... You look terrific.
I hope you're the skeeball type.
I just love it. I love to keep those guys on their toes.
I just wanted to go home.
I kept talking...
I know what I'm doing.
I know. I'm the last scion.
I like that.
I mean, even if that were the case, which it's not...
I mean, you heard the guy. He said there are consequences.
I might have to take you down.
I need you three...
I never told anybody about that.
I rained down sulfur, man. There's a subtle difference.
I really enjoyed meeting you.
I remember eating meat on a Friday used to be a hell worthy trespass.
I remember when all we had for breakfast was fish and goat's milk.
I repeat, men with huge fucking wings...
I repeat, this is not a drill.
I said I was coming up on a routine possession.
I said, whose house?
I suggest you take the princess and get as far away as possible.
I tapped her because I thought we'd be able to smoke out whoever's behind it.
I think God is dead.
I think I should go home, take some Percosets and lay down.
I think I'm now burdened with an overabundance.
I think not.
I think that our best course of action...
I think we're beyond euphemisms at this point.
I used to specialize in entertainment.
I wanna hit them.
I was an artist, stupid!
I was close.
I was inspiration!
I was like:
I was on the phone with my mother...
I was trying to find you to tell you I figured out who was behind all this.
I was...
I was... I was so angry with her.
I went to church.
I wish they could all feel that way more often.
I wouldn't suggest that.
I wouldn't want to let the family down, now, would I?
I'd also like to acknowledge this great state's governor, Elizabeth Dalton...
I'd be pissed, but in a couple minutes it's not gonna matter anyway.
I'd give anything to feel that way again.
I'd rather not exist than go back to that.
I'd say there's a pretty good chance. Rufus, we're to be liquidated?
I'll do it.
I'll hold true in heaven.
I'll keep that in mind.
I'll let you in on something, Bethany, it's something I've never told anyone.
I'll see you.
I'll take head.
I'll take this one.
I'll tell you where.
I'll try to get something out of poopy boy here.
I'm a muse, stupid.
I'm an important man with important matters that demand my attention...
I'm as anatomically impaired as a Ken doll.
I'm confused.
I'm from the EPA.
I'm going back to Jersey and starting the business again.
I'm going back to Wisconsin.
I'm going to this church in New Jersey.
I'm gonna have to start by apologizing.
I'm gonna have to summon the Golgothan.
I'm Jay, and this is my hetero life mate, Silent Bob.
I'm mainly here to correct a major error you've been basing the faith on.
I'm not gonna tell. I wanna see how boned up on the job you are.
I'm pissed off is what I am.
I'm pregnant?
I'm soaked and she's the one that's surly. That's rich.
I'm sorry, old friend, but you lost the faith.
I'm sorry.
I'm starving. Back off, Kato.
I'm sure you get it all the time, but how many chances like this will I get?
I'm talking about raining down fire and brimstone, punishing the wicked.
I'm telling you, man, this ceremony's a big mistake.
I'm tired of all this cryptic bullshit.
I'm trying to keep our profile low.
I've become aware of the repercussions.
I've been dreaming about this for five years. Read that.
I've gone to church my whole life and never heard of Rufus, the 13th apostle.
If anything else comes up, I'll contact you.
If he tells me something, I'll let you know.
If he was, he'd have made his move by now to conquer Heaven.
If I had a dick, I'd go get laid.
If I had the power...
If I'm wrong, which I'm not, it's not gonna matter.
If it's closed that day, those guys can't get blessed or whatever, right?
If only they knew your tithing came from a Planned Parenthood check.
If only they'd let us jerk off, you know?
If so, I'm first. I hate sloppy seconds.
If that's true, why did he get written about and you were left out?
If the whole world's gonna end, you said you'd fuck me.
If there isn't a movie about it, it's not worth knowing, is it?
If they get in, they will have reversed God's decree.
If they pass through that arch, they're clean.
If this is so major, why are you talking to me?
If we die with clean souls, they can't keep us out.
If we're not gonna fuck, then what the fuck did you ask us out for?
If your enemies know where you are, then don't be there.
Imagine you're a 12 year old boy.
Imprisoned in a body.
In a manner of speaking. Two of them.
In every room?
In that highly unlikely situation?
In the bed that you and your wife share, no less.
In the Bible, Jesus suddenly goes from age 12 to 30. Twelve to 30.
In the three years I followed his ass around Jerusalem, did I ever get laid?
Indiana, Ohio, Pennsylvania...
Is it true chicks fart if you blast them in the ass?
Is that so?
Is the kickoff of a new campaign...
Is this why I had to come down here and miss my fucking cartoons?
It doesn't have that wrath of the Almighty edge to it.
It doesn't take a muse to inspire horny retards to empty their wallets.
It gives me time to balance my checkbook every week.
It stinks.
It was fucked up.
It was something you had to come to gradually.
It wasn't just Christ. The Romans crucified everyone there.
It's a lot more compact than the flaming sword...
It's been a while since physics but I would think...
It's dogmatic law. If the Church says it's so, God must adhere.
It's from renegade angels that have been stuck on Earth since the plagues.
It's impossible. If we cut off our wings...
It's just this thing I have to do.
It's not a joint.
It's not that simple.
It's too big.
It's unfair to ask a child to shoulder that responsibility...
It's unfair.
It's usually Long Rufus, but it's a little cold out here. You understand.
It's weird.
Jay!
Jeez, this broad asks a lot of questions.
Jersey's pretty far from McHenry. May I ask what brought you here?
Jesus Christ!
Jesus didn't have brothers and sisters. Mary was a virgin.
Jesus wept!
Jesus. You're a Catholic. Can't you talk to them?
Just in time to join us for a drink.
Just something we've been kicking around the office.
Just when I think I have a handle on things...
Just...
Justified. Eager, even.
Keep rolling! Keep rolling!
Kerwood Mandel to car three. Kerwood Mandel to car three.
Kids, playtime with the cardinal is over.
Kind of hard to have a New Testament without him.
Knew him? Shit, ****a owes me 12 bucks.
Knocks strong odors out.
Knowing what you now know doesn't mean you're not who you were.
Ladies and gentlemen, the driving force behind Catholicism Wow!
Ladies and gentlemen...
Lady, look at me. I don't even know where I am half the time.
Last four days on Earth?
Last night was a rerun, which says to me...
Last year, you cheated on your wife of 17 years eight times.
Leave it to the Catholics to destroy existence.
Leaving me out's okay because you still got 12 white boys to choose from.
Let her go, man.
Let it never be said your anal retentive attention to detail...
Let me get this straight.
Let me get this straight.
Let me go!
Let me guess, 14th apostle, left out of the Bible because she's a woman?
Let me guess.
Let me let you in on a little inside info.
Let's kill people.
Let's say we continue this discussion over a two piece and a biscuit.
Life eternal, a place in God's heaven.
Like I ever drove before.
Like you, Mr. Burton.
Like, why was I so easy to cast aside?
Listen, my advice to you...
Loki!
Loki.
Loki...
Lonely...
Look at them.
Look at this pimp. How'd you get out of hell?
Look at this.
Look, asshole, I don't know if anyone explained the rules to you...
Look, I've gotta go.
Looks like we're in charge of the gang now.
Make yourself useful and give me that towel.
Man, it really looks just like you, doesn't it?
Martin
Mary gave birth to Christ without knowing a man's touch. This is true.
Mass genocide is the most exhausting activity one can do...
May I ask what you're doing in my boardroom?
May I continue uninterrupted?
Maybe we can ask him to shut down the church.
Maybe we could talk this guy Glick into canceling the rededication ceremony.
Maybe we should just leave.
Maybe we should rethink this whole thing.
Maybe you, but definitely not me.
Maybe you're supposed to kill them.
Maybe you're wrong on the slaughter thing.
Maybe, say, 18 years?
Me? I came from heaven.
Meaning?
Meanwhile, I suggest you find an alternate mode of transportation.
Metatron acts as the voice of God.
Metatron, is she...?
Mooby, the Golden Calf.
Mooby, the Golden Calf.
More an arrangement of superstitions...
More importantly, he's also a human being...
More than that, I'm afraid not a one of you...
Morning, shoppers.
Mr. Barker flew to Thailand on the company account...
Mr. Brace disowned his gay son.
Mr. Holtzman okayed the production of Mooby Dolls...
Mr. McGhee, don't make me angry.
Mr. Newman.
Mr. Ray put his mother in a third rate nursing home...
Muse!
My compatriot.
My ex husband sort of screwed up my relationship awareness barometer.
My experience is that the average male is never a man...
My friend has a bit of a penchant for the dramatic.
My friend, because this is humanity at its best.
My friends and I have been traveling all night in hope of talking to you...
My God. I've heard a rant like this before.
Neither are we. You don't hear us bitching and moaning.
Neither did he.
Neither you nor any other influence short of the hand of God himself...
Never heard of it.
New Jersey?
New Jersey. Rededication ceremony is in four days.
Nice.
Nice.
No denomination's nailed it yet...
No man of woman born!
No married man kisses his wife like that? Are you stoned?
No married man kisses his wife like that.
No one can take that away from you, not even God.
No pleasure, no rapture, no exquisite sin greater...
No sex.
No ticket.
No wonder he saw Jesus. Homey's rocking the ganj.
No, but Glick's the kind of asshole who'd bless his clubs for a better game.
No, no, no.
No, no. The trouble's not from us.
No, she hasn't...
No, that was a cardinal.
No, we can't transubstantiate.
No!
No!
No!
No.
No. But I have a good idea.
No. By walking through the archway, all your sins are forgiven.
No. Hey. Hey!
No. I wanna go with you to New Jersey.
No. It never bothered me.
No. No.
Noah was a drunk. Look what he accomplished.
Nobody is fucking me! You got that?
None of you has anything left to fear anymore.
Not born. Shit into existence.
Not one.
Not to mention bicoastal theme parks...
Nothingness.
Now I sit there every Sunday and I feel nothing.
Now I'm up to my ass in Christian mythology.
Now let's start walking.
Now listen closely because this bit's very important.
Now look at him.
Now who's the fucking child?
Now, how about that shit? Fuck this town, man!
Now, how about you start explaining things, like for starters...
Now, I'm not a man of faith, but I'm inclined to agree.
Now, if I remember the protocol correctly...
Now, is there a point to this?
Now, just sit down on the bed and shut up.
Now, let me just tell you a little bit of history about this particular...
Now, now, now.
Now, that's some pretty bad storytelling.
Now, the Carpenter, an obvious reference to Jesus Christ...
Now, we all know how the majority...
Officer McGhee.
Oh, apostle, you maintain that kind of an attitude...
Oh, Bartleby.
Oh, believe it, boys.
Oh, bullshit.
Oh, come on!
Oh, come on.
Oh, fuck.
Oh, God, another angel like Metatron.
Oh, God. I'm sorry.
Oh, Jesus!
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. He's lost it. We're fucked.
Oh, no way!
Oh, no, I've seen way too many Bond movies to know...
Oh, no.
Oh, nothing.
Oh, shit!
Oh, the ethereal plains were chaotic with battle.
Oh, the voice of God. Where's the rest of him?
Oh, well, then let's ask the prophets what we should call it instead.
Oh, yeah, right. Kill them.
Oh. Do you two live together?
Oh. Those weren't tits I saw Jay cozying up to?
Okay, I'm sure.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay. Well, it's a good thing you were never...
Once he's done with the firstborn...
Once we're back in, he'll just forgive and forget.
One day God just stopped listening.
One of the choirs of angels. They're called Watchers.
One of the drawbacks to being a martyr is that you have to die.
One of the last sacred promises imparted to Peter, the first pope...
One side, Red.
One time we were at the mall, we tied Tubby to the ceiling...
Only after everything you've seen...
Only place you can go for a good tequila.
Or you'll do what exactly?
Orders are to terminate you on sight.
Organized religion destroys who we are...
Our expulsion from paradise.
Ours was designed to be a life of servitude and worship...
Out of all the people on the goddamn planet, why was I tapped?
Outstanding work!
Over the bar! Come on!
Pardon?
People die for it. People kill for it.
People find the Bible obtuse...
Pick that up.
Please! Please!
Please! What about the Church's silent consent of the slave trade?
Plenary indulgence.
Powerless to stop the inevitable.
Probably hell too.
Prophets.
Prophets. Two of them.
Quit killing people. That's high profile.
Quite a little mouth on him, isn't there?
Read that book again.
Ready for the counting game?
Really?
Really?
Really. Are you so clueless as to think you can just waltz back into heaven?
Remember that seminary student I tried to set you up with?
Remember, we're working in a time frame here.
Remind me to try the water to wine thing at my next party.
Right there. Right there. There's one.
Right.
Rufus, I want you to meet my new friend Barry.
Rufus.
Run's house
Run's house
Run's house Say what?
Sanctifying is just one of the fringe benefits.
Save it, lady. Five minutes ago you were aching to top me off.
Saving it!
Scion or not...
See those two?
See, don't let your sympathies get the best of you.
See, in the beginning it was just us and him, angels and God.
See, padre, it goes down like this.
See, that's beautiful.
See, they got tossed out of heaven...
See, your exploits, no matter how inane...
Sex is a joke in heaven?
Sex, for example. There's nothing funnier...
She can make you better, stronger, faster.
She can rebuild you.
She had a thing for dark meat.
She had a thing for dark meat.
She has the technology.
She killed herself three months later.
She's already met the prophets...
She's fucking pissed, dude. She's never gonna fuck us now.
She's not really anything.
She's something, all right.
Shit, no! Me and Silent Bob are pro choice.
Shit.
Since its inception, has spawned two theatrical films...
Sixteen Candles John Hughes?
Smoke that motherfucker like it ain't no thing!
Snoogans. Did you see that shit, man?
Snootch to the motherfucking nootch!
So after the fallen were banished to hell...
So for their insolence...
So I opted to quit being a muse and write for myself.
So I studied the religions and waited for my opportunity to present itself...
So if they come out, nobody touches them.
So if you don't pipe down, I'm gonna yank your sac off like a paper towel.
So Jay tells us you're gonna sleep with him.
So one day, Loki's wiping out all the firstborn of Egypt...
So that would make Bethany part black?
So we collected some money we were owed and caught a bus.
So what? They beat the system. Good for them.
So why are you heading to New Jersey?
So you fudge a few facts, you put a spin on his ethnicity.
So you looking to help out in some way, I take it?
So you might wanna take good care of yourself.
So you went to heaven?
So you were an artist.
So, what do we do now?
So, what's up? You have a friend for Silent Bob, or you gonna do us both?
So? They're kissing.
So...
Some fuck named John Hughes.
Somebody sold their soul to Satan to get grosses up on that piece of shit.
Someone has clued them in to a loophole in Catholic dogma...
Someone knew enough...
Sometimes I wish I'd just stayed home.
Soon a cadre of police will arrive...
Speaking of which, you're awfully nude.
Stand back.
Still thinking only about yourself...
Stop a couple angels from entering and thus negating all existence.
Stop a couple of angels from entering...
Stubbed my fucking...
Sweet Christ, somebody wants you bad!
Sweet Jesus, Azrael! Why?
Sweet Jesus! Do you have to use the whole can?
Take a shot.
Take a step back.
Take care of that parcel for us.
Take it easy, Bartleby. Just let her go.
Take the bartender's car. He won't need it.
Take your best fucking shot.
Tell a person you're the Metatron, they stare blankly.
Tell me, do you have air conditioning?
Thank you for...
Thank you, thank you.
Thanks.
That doesn't sound like much of a crusade.
That guy doesn't know that the girl cheated on him while she was away.
That guy they won't take off life support, John Doe Jersey.
That I'd like to know who they and you are.
That poem, The Walrus and the Carpenter...
That sounds militant. You thinking ofjoining the other side?
That still kills me, you and church.
That you'll offer us sex as a reward?
That's a fascinating practice. No real doctrine of faith to speak of.
That's it.
That's not the sanctioned term we're using for the symbol.
That's one way of putting it.
That's sort of sweet. Thanks, guys.
That's the key. Grab the little ones as well.
That's the only thing I couldn't figure out.
That's what he gets for messing with our girlfriend. Cross dressing fuck.
That's what I'm saying. People don't go to church to feel spiritual anymore.
That's what Jesus said.
That's what the good people of Antioch said...
That's what you get, motherfucker.
That's why he is the king...
That's why I'm gonna help stop those angels from getting into that church...
That's why we needed you.
That's why you have to travel incognito.
That's you.
That's...
The 20 year old. The one I could have babysat for in high school.
The archbishop of the Trenton diocese has disputed the state's decision...
The big one, though, is the factioning of all the religions.
The blood that flows through your veins...
The brother is gonna shred them with his angel be good special...
The Catholic Church does not make mistakes.
The Christ bitch will join you.
The dead, like myself, only worry about decay and necrophiliacs.
The desired result is that the individual will feel those effects.
The dining car will be closing in five minutes. Thank you.
The girl in the P.J.'s!
The Golgothan shit demon, hell's chief assassin.
The highest choir of angels.
The hill where Christ was crucified?
The Illinois Chapter of the Right to Life Foundation...
The incorporation of this new data into who you are.
The lesson must be taught.
The little stoner's got a point.
The Lord has a fancy for the game. He's been playing it for years.
The major sins never change.
The man was right about you.
The message is what counts.
The muse?
The nature of God and the virgin birth, those are leaps of faith.
The one about the kid by himself in his house...
The one who speaks...
The only X factor was the involvement of the last scion here.
The other one...
The people that held the pens added their own perspective...
The rededication of St. Michael's Church...
The remainder of the crowd have dropped to their knees...
The same amount of liquid doesn't fill it.
The scion, I imagine!
The sign of a true Catholic.
The Tenth Plague.
The thing I don't get is, I mean...
The train. I'll call for reservations.
The tubby, coat wearing motherfucker's got tits.
The way I understand it, it's mostly a joke down here too.
The whole book's gender biased.
Then he created humans.
Then it hits me. We could live like phat rats...
Then this failed experiment called existence...
Then what happened?
Then you need to go back to church and ask God for a third option.
There is no Shermer in Illinois.
There's all that macho bullshit about it being this man's army.
There's gonna be a world of trouble if tomorrow's ceremony goes forward.
There's just one thing I think we gotta do before we leave.
There's more to this than we thought of.
There's tits in it, but no bush.
These guys think that by passing through that archway...
These guys were fakes.
These guys, they think they're renegade angels.
They choose to acknowledge God or choose to ignore him.
They could already be in the church.
They did me once.
They dupe all these oysters into following them...
They go to church and feel bored...
They hate me more than you, no doubt.
They think of us as a passé, archaic institution.
They were favored best among all his endeavors...
They were given paradise, they threw it away.
They were given this planet, they destroyed it.
They were offered up as a sacrifice to the god of ecumenical politics.
They won't be killed.
They'll stop at nothing to prevent it.
They're trying to get back into heaven.
They're trying...
Things are getting too intense in here.
Think someone threw him out a plane with a message on him...
This from the guy who still owes me 10 bucks over that bet...
This girl's no woman.
This guy's fucking drunker than hell.
This has gone too far.
This is gonna sound really bad. I can't believe I'm even thinking about this...
This is huge. Your reentry is a thorn in a lot of sides.
This is just eons of repression getting purged.
This is the last scion.
This is where he's at, St. Michael's Hospital.
This thing has a papal sanction...
This thing.
This woman has to stop two angels from entering a church.
This...
Three years this August.
To hell with him.
To prove him wrong...
To save these poor schmucks?
To say the least.
Today's second collection will be donated...
Took all the flavor out of the remaining years. We gotta go.
True, she's a Protestant, but we're not gonna hold that against her.
Try it on.
Two thirds of me wants to forget about this and go home.
Two, even!
Unfortunately, yes.
Very basic strategy.
Very compassionate, Mr. Brace.
Wait a minute. Are you protestors?
Wait a second!
Wait, wait, wait. Repeat that.
Wait. Wait, wait. Kill them?
Wake up!
Walk? Fuck you! Do you know how far we are from anywheres?
Wars, bigotry, televangelism.
Was Wisconsin really that bad?
Wasn't that plan good enough for God?
Watch the living. Especially in the shower.
Wax on, wax off.
We already used that excuse when we killed Christ.
We believe in Jesus Christ, his only son, our Lord...
We call this piece The Fecalator.
We can lay here all comatose like that John Doe Jersey bastard over there...
We figure abortion clinics are a good place to meet loose women.
We find a way back and you wanna jeopardize that...
We gotta get moving. How can we get to Jersey?
We just saved your ass, and you're just gonna take off.
We need a lot of drinks.
We need drinks.
We really appreciate you seeing us so late in the day, Your Eminence.
We saved your ass from some angry fucking dwarves...
We went through five Adams before we figured that one out.
We were about to fuck on the carousel and I got sick, started puking.
We were at this wedding in Canaan. And I got drunk and forgot it.
We were awaiting your arrival.
We were sent by him who is called I Am!
We were stationed together.
We won't be angels anymore, but at least we get to go home.
We?
We'd like you to cancel the ceremony.
We'll see. Muse?
We're checking on possible Freon leaks.
We're going home, okay? No matter whose pride it may hurt.
We're going home.
We're going home.
We're gonna pass through your arch thing anyway.
We're here to pick up chicks.
We're in Mexico?
We're on the brink of nonexistence and God's still missing.
We've looked everywhere for him.
Well, fuck that.
Well, he does hate competition. I will say that.
Well, how do I know you're an angel?
Well, I guess I don't.
Well, I know how to make a Holy Bartender.
Well, I know I'd perceive the person sent to kill me as an enemy.
Well, now please rise for the recession of faith.
Well, thanks for being out here so late.
Well, that's not how I wrote it.
Well, the point is, he told me something.
Well, then, you know, don't use a gun. Lay the place to waste like.
Well, then, you ready to go back, apostle?
Well, there you have it.
Well, what do I know about shifting?
Well, you know what that means, don't you?
Well, you're half right.
Well...
Well...
Were he to be killed in human form...
Were you to hear it, your mind would cave in and your heart would explode.
Weren't we just in the woods? What are we doing here now?
What about my plans?
What about sex?
What about us?
What are you doing stripping?
What are you doing?
What are you, some kind of fucking chicken?
What better way to repent than by resuming the position I once denied...
What did you say?
What did you tell him, to hit me with the golf club?
What do we do now about Bartleby and Loki?
What do we need?
What do you think?
What do you want with me?
What does that mean? Since when am I supposed to kill anybody?
What exactly brought you to Illlinois?
What gear are you in?
What just happened?
What the fuck do you want from me?
What the fuck does that mean? Has everyone gone fucking nuts?
What the fuck happened to that guy's head? I want some...
What the fuck is this shit?
What the fuck is this, The Piano? Why ain't this broad talking?
What the fuck?
What the hell are you babbling about?
What the hell are you doing?
What the hell's an apostle?
What then, hell? Fuck that.
What traditionally defines a woman falls between two things:
What up?
What was the result?
What work did you do? You lit a few fires.
What, aside from the fiery entrance and the expansive wingspan?
What, I fall asleep and everyone takes off?
What, like steady? You wanna be my girlfriend?
What, these?
What?
What?
What? More angels?
Whatever you hold true on Earth...
When actually...
When are you going to New Jersey?
When do you think you lost your faith?
When Sodom and Gomorrah was destroyed...
When some quiet little infection destroyed my uterus, where was God?
When the waters wiped out everything except Noah and his menagerie...
When you do it, you're thinking about guys.
When you were 5, you let a kid from next door piss in your hand.
When you're young, the glass is little, so it's easy to fill.
Whenever we were going on about unimportant shit...
Where are the volumes of text dealing with the missing 18 years?
Where are they?
Where are you going?
Where did those two assholes go?
Where is this church we have to go to?
Where the hell are we?
Where the hell is everybody? I wake up and...
Where was his infinite fucking patience then?
Where was she?
Where were you yesterday? We went to brunch.
Where?
Which means he's human now.
Which ruins it for the rest of us because from that day forward...
While it has been a time honored symbol of our faith...
White folks only wanna hear the good shit:
Who fucking farted?
Who sent you?
Who the fuck are you and what the fuck are you doing in my room?
Who the hell do you think you are, lady?
Whoever sent this might send more.
Whose house Say what?
Whose house?
Why are we enemies?
Why are we here?
Why couldn't we stay on the train? You threw those guys off.
Why didn't you tell me?
Why do you feel the need to come to this place all the time?
Why doesn't God do something about it?
Why doesn't God speak for himself?
Why don't I just get off at the next stop!
Why don't we just ask this guy to close the church?
Why don't you name the kid after me?
Why don't you seize yours?
Why else would they be here unless they like to fuck?
Why me?
Why me?
Why should we fall victim to gravity when we can just as easily rise above?
Why the fuck did you hug my head?
Why?
Why?
Why? What are you trying to prove?
Why?!
Wisconsin...
With the exception of Miss Pryce here...
Women are bigger antagonists than Egyptians and Romans combined.
Would you...?
Writer's block.
Yeah, all white boys, I might add. But no mention of me, Rufus.
Yeah, but you heard of the other 12 apostles.
Yeah, it's Rufus. And yeah, I'm fine.
Yeah, sure.
Yeah, you're bad, dude.
Yeah? She's a slut.
Yeah.
Yeah. So you do anal?
Yes, but then why was she tapped?
Yes, we have central air.
Yes, what?
Yes.
Yesterday, I wasn't sure if God even existed.
Yo, get your fucking hand back.
Yo, I heard pregnant women can have sex into their third trimester.
Yo, man, tell me something about me.
Yo, put on Channel 9. Davey and Goliath.
Yo, we should go to Quick Stop.
You all right? Your eyes are kind of...
You and your board are idolaters.
You are just a simple creature.
You are responsible for raising an icon...
You call me, you tell me it's important, you know?
You can imagine how that hurt the Father...
You can't be anal retentive if you don't have an anus.
You can't go through with this. Azrael was just using you.
You can't just go around breaking people's hearts like that!
You can't talk to me that way anymore. I'm gonna be somebody's mother.
You can't tell from his face, but the rosaries are a dead giveaway.
You did so well.
You did that shit? You're nasty.
You did well, little girl. I knew you'd come around.
You do know what an angel is, don't you?
You do know what's gonna happen if those two jerks enter that church.
You do, don't you, Muse?
You don't mind I lost the wings, do you?
You even had sex with her best friend...
You forgot Mooby Magazine.
You got to stand and read at Sodom and Gomorrah.
You got your girlfriend drunk at last year's Christmas party...
You guys wanna hear something sick?
You have an excuse. You're *******. You don't know any better.
You have broken the First Commandment.
You have issues with Catholicism, I take it?
You have to keep reading.
You hit that?
You knew Christ?
You know for a fact that there is a God.
You know how I felt? Righteous.
You know that guy too? That fucking guy.
You know those constitutionals that he likes to take?
You know what the dead do with most of their time?
You know, all I'm saying here is that one of us might need a little nap.
You know, fuck you, man, because time's gonna tell on that one.
You know, here's what I don't get about you.
You know?
You know? I was so close to slitting that bitch's throat.
You lead a good life.
You make it sound like there's some church conspiracy...
You masturbate more than anyone on the planet.
You may proceed, mon ami.
You mean those dickheads with signs and pictures of dead babies?
You might want to clarify that.
You missed a bit.
You need a man, if only for 10 minutes.
You need to get laid, Bethany Sloane.
You people don't celebrate your faith, you mourn it.
You really are Just a simple creature.
You rest comfortably in seats of inscrutable power...
You see that? And I told them to keep a low profile.
You see...
You should know better than anyone here that tits don't make a woman.
You sick, twisted fuck!
You sound like Lucifer, man! You've fucking lost it!
You sound like the man.
You stole the cardinaI's driver?
You think everybody's just trying to get in your knickers.
You think we're lovers? No, no. We're not gay.
You two aren't getting into any trouble, are you?
You want me to call off the ceremony for that.
You wanted your body count. You got it.
You were going to Jersey anyway. All I'm asking is to tag along.
You were martyred?
You were the last scion.
You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
You, on the other hand...
You'd have him assault me with a putter?
You'll have support.
You're a pure soul.
You're being offered the chance to play mother to the world...
You're breaking up with us?
You're doing it again. Stop. What did we talk about?
You're getting off light.
You're going to lead me somewhere.
You're gonna burn in hell, you fucking baby killer!
You're his father, you sick fuck.
You're kidding.
You're pregnant?
You're saying having beliefs is a bad thing?
You're suggesting I need to get filled?
You're talking about fucking war on God.
You're told you're God's only son, but more than that, you're God.
You're weak.
You've been in his presence. He's spoken to you personally.
You've done nothing wrong.
Your Eminence, it's not a joke.
Your hard on for smiting has prevented us from negotiating...
Your hearts are in the right place, but your brains gotta wake up.
Adultery? Adultery.
All these people! Hey, this wasn't my idea!
Am I right or what? I happen to know the truth.
Bob, get down! Matches! Matches!
But the sink? You've got the divine heritage.
But tomorrow... Tomorrow goes off without a hitch.
Call security, now! Yes, sir.
Did you ever see that flick? Oh, did that suck!
Dude, not all the time. Sorry if I scared you.
Dude! Thanks a lot, baby.
Friend of yours? Is this smelly fuck with us?
Good. Not bad, right?
Has anyone seen the overnights? No, sir.
Have you been there? Once, with a chick.
Hi. Hey.
His mother and father. His brothers and sisters.
His name was Brian Johnson. Brian Johnson.
How am I supposed to do that? Think of something!
How far away is this church? Three towns over, about 10 miles.
Hustler? The Bible!
I have to apologize... Would you knock it off?
I just assumed. Do I come off as gay?
I think. Wait a second.
I used to be an abstract. Now I'm really confused.
I've heard a rant like this before. Don't you do that to me.
Isn't much I don't know about you. I find that hard to believe.
It's bullshit. Bethany.
It's not a matter of pride! Loki, kill the girl.
Kind of like the tobacco industry. Christ, if only we had their numbers.
Let's get out of here. No, wait.
Let's go. Oh, darn it!
lf we're wrong, what religion is right? It's not about who's right or wrong.
Loki! I know. I'm coming.
Nice. But it doesn't matter right now...
Nineteen? Yeah.
No. All right.
None other than. Who is he?
Not the plenary indulgence loophole. You know about that?
Oh, lighten up. I can't believe they wanna kill us.
Really? Why?
Really? You're kidding.
Rufus, grab the gun. Ten steps ahead of you.
Rufus, is it? Yes, Rufus it is.
seeing you people every day on this perfect world he created for you...
She did? Twice.
She means us? No, two other fucking angels.
So he's a muse too? Former muse.
The apostle is here. I noticed.
The apostle. Holy shit!
Then all we have to do is die. Die? I don't wanna die.
These guys are fucking flat leavers. Shut his mouth.
Told you he was the undead. Not the undead. The dead.
Tomorrow. Tomorrow.
Way to go, biggie. Why would you ever carry this?
We can do the next best thing. What's that?
We can talk about this. Bartleby?
We can't touch him! I wasn't. I was gonna shoot his ass.
We creamed them. All right.
We're absolutely fucked! I hear that shit.
Were they sent to hell? Worse.
What am I...? Yeah, I know.
What do you call this shit? Egga Mooby Muffin.
What is that thing? An excremental.
What kind of deity gets kidnapped? Amen to that.
What? Come on. Didn't it ever occur to you...
What? Just do it!
What? Long story. Forget it.
What? To her?
What's he like? God?
What's that? Jesus wasn't white. Jesus was black.
What's with bringing us in here? You're inches from getting caught.
What's your beef with the Bible? For starters, I'm not in it.
Where did that thing come from? Ever heard of Golgotha?
Where is it? Asbury Park, about five miles away.
Who sent the paper? Who cares who sent the paper?
Who? Serendipity.
Whose? God's.
Why don't they kill themselves? It's a mortal sin.
Why not? Everybody is looking for you.
Why would they leave any of it out? Because it's tied in with his family.
Why? He listened to his friend...
will make mention of himself as a prophet.
Wings. Now. I'm feeling a little exposed here.
Worked for Moses. Stay out of this.
You did just say we're going home? Read.
You mean fly? We got wings, right?
You rather hang around here? No. We don't know if we can die.
You said they couldn't be killed. Correction.
You sound like the morning star. You shut your fucking mouth!
You're a pig. Nobody's gonna beat that thing.
You're another angel? Oh, I ain't no angel.
You're saying God's a woman? Was there a doubt in your mind?
...16 records, eight prime time specials...
...a condition which carries two liabilities.
...a Grigori by the name of Bartleby.
...a little known Catholic belief offering all that passes through it...
...a mockup of an individual is subjected...
...a morally clean slate.
...a short life span.
...a tad more habitable...
...about the St. Michael's rededication ceremony.
...about which was gonna be the bigger movie, E. T. or Krush Groove.
...ain't you, homey?
...alone at last.
...an unidentified homeless man who was accosted...
...and a bit warmer?
...and a library of priced to own videocassettes.
...and accept your responsibility...
...and all the penholders were men.
...and Azrael was sent down with the demons...
...and bowing and scraping and adoration.
...and by passing through that arch our sins are forgiven.
...and call you back.
...and gives him the finger.
...and got sent out into the world to make my fortune.
...and he went flying through the air, fucking crashed through the wall.
...and I know Lucifer's pissed because you might make him look bad...
...and I'm looking right at him.
...and I'm ready to kick back and welcome the end of existence...
...and is keeping them quite well hidden...
...and it meant a life of persecution and eventual crucifixion...
...and it's pained me, as I'm sure it must have pained you.
...and lunchbox's asses if I hadn't represented.
...and no one, not you, not even the Almighty himself...
...and now we're supposed to take you somewhere as if we know where it is?
...and severely beaten at the New Jersey Shore last Tuesday...
...and she was trying to counsel me through this...
...and show up two hours in advance.
...and since God is infallible...
...and some of them don't even believe he exists!
...and suddenly everybody's a theology scholar.
...and take one which doesn't involve slaughter.
...and that'd be arrogant of me, I know.
...and the apostle's with them?
...and the media in this country...
...and then paid a kid from the mail room...
...and this very day...
...and thus negating all existence.
...and to ask you to do the same now.
...and transubstantiate to complete human form, we become mortal.
...and used the profits from the sale of her home...
...and visit a small church on a very important day.
...and we get the Jesus freak?
...and we're in that fucked up bar!
...and we've been unable to locate her.
...and when it finally happened I sent the pair an article laced with ideas.
...and you and the barkeep won't be the only corpses in the room.
...and you're a schmuck.
...and...
...are exploiting that belief...
...are well documented in heaven.
...asking that Catholics all over the country...
...at every turn.
...at the hands of the very people he'd come to enlighten and redeem.
...Bartleby convinces Loki to quit his position...
...be this as well...
...because he has just as much to lose by their return as anybody else.
...because he's in love with this John Hughes guy.
...because it was, survey says...
...because of the Catholic beliefs regarding this plenary indulgence shit.
...because one word from his lips would destroy the boy's human form.
...because that's really all life is, Sister, it's a series of moments.
...because they're all too self righteous to realize...
...because they're just both so relieved to be with one another.
...because when the redhead hooks up with her dream guy...
...because you yearn for the good old days.
...both of faith and of style.
...burglars trying to come in and he fights them off...
...but being that I've decided to go home, and not to New Jersey...
...but funny.
...but I can't keep any for myself.
...but I think I should go with you.
...but if we can let them know the Catholic Church has a little panache...
...but if you succeed everything gets blinked out of existence, even you.
...but incapacitate him in another fashion.
...but it's impressive nonetheless.
...but that didn't stop him from joining the service in time of war.
...but to seek outside assistance in guarding said package.
...but, oh, no, she don't, because it's a PG movie.
...by acting like one and protecting it.
...by succeeding where he's failed.
...by taking a good idea and building a belief structure on it.
...by the Angel of Death, name of Loki.
...by the son of God before he left was:
...destroys one's inner being.
...down the street from your apartment...
...dumped once.
...even God.
...even hokey.
...everything.
...for coming here this morning.
...for the entire span of human history.
...forgotten for that one perfect moment when they get off the plane.
...from a black Jesus, you freak.
...from materials he knew to be toxic and unsafe...
...from time to time.
...from, like, a mile away.
...functions solely on one principle:
...God decreed that angels could no longer imbibe alcohol.
...God has a plan.
...great great grandniece of Jesus Christ.
...have laid waste to St. Michael's!
...he always had a smile on his face.
...he couldn't be with a wife who couldn't bear children...
...he has shown them infinite fucking patience...
...he just lost it.
...he obviously represents either Buddha...
...he starts sobbing like a little bitch with a skinned knee and shit.
...he'd have returned immediately to heaven.
...hiding behind your false idol, far from judgment...
...his favorites, to the whim ofjudgment.
...Holy Bartender.
...Holy Mother Church has decided to retire...
...how am I supposed to stop an angel?
...how did you find us?
...how do you kill an angel, Barry?
...human beings have neither the aural nor the psychological capacity...
...I am the Metatron.
...I assure you, you will all pay for your trespasses...
...I don't know...
...I had nothing to do with that one.
...I just might put in a good word for you too.
...I think I've been a pretty good sport about all this so far.
...I wonder...
...I would have.
...I wouldn't care what the Bible said as long as the message was right.
...identifying this as the fabled apocalypse.
...if he wasn't getting laid?
...if there were gonna be any.
...if they're allowed to enter that church...
...if we were the blunt connection in Shermer, Illinois.
...in blood.
...in Catholicism.
...in exchange for you helping me with my campaign.
...in that book you put so much stock in.
...is a constant reminder...
...is also responsible for the Lord's whereabouts.
...is an indictment of organized religion.
...is gonna keep this thing from going off without a hitch.
...is gonna make that otherwise.
...is that you have no say in the editorial process.
...is the last scion.
...is to ensure that our parcel is not found.
...is who you are.
...it proves God wrong...
...just because of a grudge against your creator.
...just in time to kill us as we exit the church.
...just saying it.
...just so you could break up with her guilt free...
...kept them cloaked and off heaven's radars.
...l've felt the absence of the divine presence...
...let's leave the nice cardinal alone and go for a ride.
...lies in critical but stable condition in one of that area's hospitals.
...like in Con Air?
...like some Catholics.
...lives shrouded in secrecy, even from one another.
...Loki takes his friend Bartleby out for a post slaughter drink.
...Loki tells God he quits...
...maker of heaven and earth.
...most of it questioning your great plan...
...New Jersey.
...next to soccer.
...no matter how close you may think you are to winning.
...not even for 10 minutes in his entire life span.
...not to be able to tell the son himself...
...not to mention fine ass Mary Magdalene.
...of many revamps the Catholicism Wow! campaign...
...of our Lord, crucified.
...or how blissful he is with his new wife...
...or we can get making with the love. What did you say?
...or with his tusks, the Hindu elephant god, Lord Ganesha.
...out of fear of some intangible parent figure...
...passes for a decent human being.
...prepare to taste God's wrath.
...prior to your fire fighting episode...
...responsible for the oversights of old.
...right before they stoned my ass.
...right here, until those two idiots pass through that arch.
...shares a chromosome or two at the genetic level...
...she said:
...she's just a human...
...so he just started picking up folk off the road and just dropping them.
...so I dispatched him in a fairly ingenious fashion.
...so if you please...
...something he considers a great injustice.
...sorry for the inconvenience, and goodbye.
...spilling bowel and bladder in the process...
...take this money you've collected for your parish...
...than central air.
...than the ridiculous faces you people make mid coitus.
...thanks to you?
...that following these faiths based on mythological figures...
...that it doesn't matter what you have faith in, Just that you have faith.
...that this Bartleby Loki situation was well within the sphere of his control?
...that though my kind came first...
...that was Loki.
...that was Loki. And he was good at what he did.
...that we've come up with a new, more inspiring sigil.
...that you never reveal all the details of your plan...
...The Buddy Christ.
...the Church has appointed this year as a time of renewal...
...the deciding member on a jury is all I'm saying.
...the faithful and the renegades.
...the great great great great great great great great...
...the great great great great great great great great...
...the most well known of which...
...the pawns are moving into checkmate as we speak.
...the powers will attempt to contact the last scion.
...the prophets finally live up to their titles.
...then proceed to shuck and devour the helpless creatures en masse.
...there isn't a decent human being amongst you.
...there was no one dealing, man.
...they can go straight to heaven.
...they'll unmake the world.
...this highly recognizable...
...this...
...to buy an Oriental rug for himself.
...to celebrate their centennial...
...to cover up the truth about Christ.
...to have sex with an 11 year old boy.
...to have sex with her while she was passed out...
...to keep him biologically alive...
...to lay down the sword because I felt sorry for them.
...to prove her wrong...
...to remove the indigent man from life support systems...
...to shuffle her loose the mortal coil.
...to the John Doe Jersey Life Fund.
...to various pokes and prods.
...unless you come clean right now.
...very inebriated...
...view the Catholic Church.
...we can win them back, even get some new ones.
...well, he's the quiet type.
...well, I'm left with no choice...
...what ought to be the relatively simple matter of catching or staying on a bus.
...when she sobbingly confessed in the morning.
...where all the honeys are top shelf but all the dudes are whiny pussies.
...where was God?
...whether murder in God's name is okay.
...which draws worship from the Lord.
...which it finally did...
...while you were supposed to be home watching the kids.
...who just got on at the last stop. This is Larry and Barry.
...who wanted nothing more than to play with other children.
...who was raised a carpenter's son, represents Western religions.
...will be holding its biannual softball game...
...will cease to be.
...will serve as a passageway of plenary indulgence...
...will unveil over the next year, I give you...
...with the one you call Jesus.
...would do well to cover their ears right about now.
...would ever be allowed back into Paradise.
...would give people a better understanding of God.
...would undo reality and everything that is.
...would, you know, unmake existence.
...years ago, right?
...yet wholly depressing image...
...you have been judged as guilty of violations against our Almighty God...
...you have more skeletons in your closet than this assembled party.
...you wouldn't want to look like a couple of fairies, now, would you?
...you, me, all of this ends in a heartbeat.
...you're welcome to return with us as well.
...your kind was most revered.