Dogma (1999) Soundboard Edit

A bomb or something's gonna go off. Would you fuck us then?

A shit demon!

All I gotta do, I walk through the arch thing, and then I can go back home?

And Azrael tells us we're marked?

And if they die, they go straight up.

And if you clean up your language...

And it's here for you, girlie.

And no one's asking you to build an ark.

And then Pretty in Pink, which I can't watch with this tubby bitch anymore..

And when the world ends, they'll have to sit outside the gates for eternity

And who am I?

And your Mooby certainly falls under that heading.

Another way is to say I was bludgeoned by big fucking rocks.

Are we too late?

Are you fucking shitting me?

Are you pro choice?

Bartleby and Loki, whether they know it or not..

Beautiful, naked, big tittied women just don't fall out of the sky, you know

Been dead nearly 2000 years. Here, check this out.

Bethany...

Between guys with wings, guys falling out of the sky...

Both sides. Above and below.

But best of all...

But no matter.

But not from God.

But she hasn't come back from one of these day trips, is that it?

But this thing, this is Church law. It's not divine mandate.

But you, Mr. Whitland..

But you've only dealt with the pain a few years.

Can't put anything past you.

Christ excluded, they were criminals. Killers, brigands, thieves, rapists.

Could it be Lucifer?

Did I miss anything?

Did you ever hear of a fat apostle?

Do I smell onions?

Do you really think he would've stayed married to her for all those years...

Does it..

Don't you listen?

Dude, his piece is gonna be rubbing inside of your armor.

Except for Judd Nelson. He was fucking harsh.

Existence would become nothingness.

Friend of yours?

Fuck, man, I think this shit Just kicked in.

Gear?

Give me a...

Go back to your paper routes, you Mighty Duck Fucks!

God doesn't live here anymore.

God is infallible.

He begged me to make it all not true.

He can't hear you, you know.

He goes out and rents every one of his movies.

He's all about that. I know he'd want this done

He's weakened.

Her quirky sense of humor

Hey, choose life!

Hey. There's only one idiot here, Azrael...

His oly real beef with mankind..

His wings have been cut off.

Holy Bartender. I get it. That's a great one!

Holy fuck! All the fine, immoral bitches out in front of that place..

Honestly, you bottom feeders and your arrogance

How can you be sure what incurs the Lord's wrath these days?

I appreciate the loan. You can have that back.

I asked you once...

I can kick the shit out of kids in Red Bank and make myself a profit.

I can remember going to church when I was young and being moved

I can't let you do that, Bartleby.

I can't take much more of this.

I couldn't help it. The bitch was hot.

I didn't come in you, Pete, I swear.

I don't have much time. They figure out my ruse, they'll come for me

I don't want this.

I fucking hate you!

I had a weird night last night and tonight's not shaping up to be better.

I just think it's better to have ideas.

I know they were just kids, but we kicked their fucking pubeless asses!

I remember the exact moment.

I sympathize. I do. I wish I could take it all back.

I thought she looked familiar

I told you she was a woman.

I'll do my best to tuck it back.

I'm a man, just like you and him. Well, maybe not him.

I'm actually counting on it.

I'm gonna have to pass.

I'm just curious.

I'm physically and psychologically exhausted, Rufus...

I've dealt with it for a millennia.

If you go back...

In essence...

In more ways than one.

Insinuating, no.

Is that who I think it is?

Isn't that sweet?

It came for Bethany!

It never ends!

It was an honor.

It's Aramaic. It says, Rufus, see you in two years. Jesus.

It's bullshit!

It's not right! It's not fair!

It's okay.

It's one of them! Kill that motherfucker!

It's the guy in charge of the church thing.

It's the voice of God. Show some respect

Killing spree? I'm talking about divine justice here.

Let me know how she is.

Let's say we're caught in a situation where we have five minutes left to live

Loki!

Look at my suit

Look, if I believed enough in this..

Look, they made me and Silent Bob part of the gang

Make with the love. It's a nice way of saying boning.

Mass attendance is at an all time low in this country...

May I have your attention, please.

Maybe this is just me talking, but if I were in heaven..

Me lead you?

Mention something in a Charlton Heston movie...

Move.

Movies are fucking bullshit.

My eyes are open.

No harm, no foul.

No heartbeat.

No more bullets.

No wonder you're single

No, about John Doe Jersey

No, there's a different sort of foul play afoot, children.

No, Through the Looking Glass.

No. We're just about to smoke a fatty with these two suave motherfuckers..

Nor is she, by any means, a human being like I was and you are

Not Lucifer.

Not that it's any of your fucking business, but no.

Now I'm gonna go home and tell him so.

Now, in an effort to disprove all that...

Now, in the poem, what do they do?

Now, what the fuck would you do that for?

Now, who's this motherfucker?

Oh, not you

Oh, now what was that all about?

One look at it and the target shits him or herself.

Or they're talking to themselves.

Pay?

Please exit the hospital in an orderly fashion.

Proving to this bastard I ain't gay.

Raining down sulfur is an endurance trial

Represent!

See, I'm supposed to stop a couple of angels...

See?

Seeing as how you just had to get involved...

Seriously. I'm not kidding. Take it. Come on.

She has a world of work ahead of her.

She's always got her eye on you.

She's not really a woman.

Shit.

So all this is about revenge.

So how long have you two been together?

So I had to deliver the news to a scared child...

So I'm gonna need some help down here.

So it is with great pleasure that I present you with the first...

So she became a he. Doesn't stop with God either.

So you lost the ability to make life

So you, what, inspire people?

So, what happened?

Somebody sent us this in the mail.

Someone said I'd meet you and you'd take me someplace I'm supposed to go

Take it and quit leering at me. People will think I broke up with you.

Take what you want, but don't kill or **** me

Tell me. Have you gone in and come out through the archway yet?

Thank you, Azrael. You're a true friend

Thank you.

Thank you.

That takes care of your Eastern religions

That's great work. Very good.

That's some bad shit, dude.

That's what I'm talking about.

The door! The door!

The Walrus, with his girth and good nature...

The way you put it, I've never really thought about it like that before.

The whole fucking world's against us, dude, I swear to God.

The whole of existence is in jeopardy right now...

Then what are we supposed to do, wait for a solution to fall from the sky?

Then you know who the chick was, don't you?

There hasn't been an Angel of Death since you quit.

There's one same time tomorrow

They've even got the last scion looking for you

This is the apocalypse.

This lot is rife with sin. We'll judge them all.

This will be the base of operations from here on in

This will help us get back on his good side.

Times change.

Tone down your behavior. Stay off their respective radars.

Two years later, that kid died of leukemia

Up would become down, black would become white.

Voodoo

Wait, wait, wait.

We believe in one god, the Father Almighty...

We ran out of parishioners...

We're going home, Loki...

We're gonna be forgiven. No harm, no foul.

We're gonna need you down the road.

We've paid our debt!

Well, he is the son of God

Well, I say we get drunk, because I'm all out of ideas.

Well, I should be going. Thanks for the rescue

Well, Lucifer just had to start his little war for the throne.

Well, we're going home

What are you doing here?

What are you talking about?

What are you?

What does that mean?

What have I been doing with my life?

What just went down with your friends there...

What the shit is that?

What, to share in your half assed obsession with Hallmark moments?

What?

What's he like?

What's the fine print?

What's with the tits? Can I...

Whatever you do, stall Bartleby from going into that church.

When it rains, it pours.

When my husband decided...

When that little innocent girl let her mission slip, I had an epiphany

Whenever the crucified expired, their bodies lost muscle control...

Where is this pilgrimage to?

Where's the nearest boardwalk?

Who the fuck are you, Lady?

Whomever has set the renegade angels on their path...

Why is the last scion here?

With a papal sanction, the archway entrance...

Word is that God's pissed off at your presumption..

Would you just relax? I'm doing it.

You are Bethany Sloane.

You can change an idea. Changing a belief is trickier

You don't believe in God because of Alice in Wonderland?

You gonna listen to this shit?

You gotta be kidding me.

You haven't thought about the consequences of your reentry

You just did him a favor, stupid!

You know what I'm saying, Silent Bob?

You know what we need?

You people.

You ready to make those changes I been talking about?

You remember why I left?

You see, kids..

You too know what it feels like to be cast aside.

You want more proof?

You want to play? Then we'll play.

You, of all people, should understand what I'm trying to accomplish here.

You're a man of principle.

You're gonna unmake existence because of a grudge against God?

You're not talking about going home, Bartleby.

You're saying you still go to church?

You're so lucky.

You're talking about the last scion, for chrissake.

Your continued existence is a mockery of morality.

Your kind always does.

Con Air? Con Shit. Kill it! Kill it!

Do they have skeeball there? Yeah.

He has abandoned you... Sorry.

I got half a stalk when she kissed me. Jay!

I'll scream ****. I can pay you.

Jersey's sold out, sir

So they're just gonna kill us? They're gonna try.

Sounds familiar

The Golgothan

The voice. The apostle.

What? Are you married to her?

What's your proof? He's wearing a wedding band.

Where'd you come from? Me?

Yet I heard you claim to be atheist. I like to fuck with the clergy

You the man. How?

You wouldn't believe me if I told you. Try me

You're divorced. That's a nice way of putting it.

...against the Cook County Pro Choice League next Sunday at 2.

...and guys trying like hell to fuck me...

...and if they're successful..

...and police have had no luck tracking down any possible family

...and says, Do it... Do it and I'll fucking spank you!

...are an innocent

...as opposed to showing up themselves

...but I got the distinct impression he wasn't listening anymore.

...but it's not nearly as impressive

...but they keep going every week just out of habit.

...by inhibiting our actions, by inhibiting our decisions...

...Cardinal Glick

...could you possibly be able to accept the truth.

...dubbed Mooby World

...everything you've heard..

...from going into the church.

...go get yourself a nice dress, you know? Fix yourself up.

...God decreed that neither Loki nor Bartleby...

...God turned on those that wouldn't fight...

...hundred years young house of God.

...I have to admit that we're more or less lost without his presence.

...I lack definition.

...is the shit that gets carried out in his name.

...is the voodoo doll

...it hurts more

...join in this protest against euthanasia.

...less costly

...never yielded positive results

...no soul in hell had a clue as to what was going on.

...of the century old Jersey Shore house of worship...

...something wholly unbelievable presents itself

...that would allow them to reenter heaven.

...the impact with which you hit would have liquefied you.

...the result of which is that walking pile of crap there.

...they get into this discussion about...

...they're speaking to me.

...throws down his fiery sword...

...to withstand the awesome power of God's true voice.

...we know only regret.

...which seeks to bring Catholicism into the mainstream

...who shakes a finger at us from thousands of years ago..

...with my husband.

...you fucking child!

...you won't be alone