The Addams Family (1991) Edit

A boy.

A charlatan! A sham!

A complete psychological profile.

A counterfeit.

A dance in a graveyard. Stench. Decay.

A day alone, only that would be death.

A faker! A phony!

A girl.

A hit,

A party?

A shiftless dreamer?

A theatrical triumph.

A very palpable hit.

A wasteland.

About the séance tonight.

Addams?

After lunch, we'll try again.

After the naked and the dead,

After who knows what heartache,

After you left, he was simply a different vulture.

Again.

All close eyes and join hands.

All grown up.

All lost in the Triangle.

All right, everybody, time for a game.

All right. Fine. I will try and reach the vault tonight.

All those years apart, Fester.

All those years, gnawed by guilt,

Allow me.

An elf.

An impostore!

An infant would understand.

An open grave.

An utter fraud!

And a hey and a hey

And a hey and a hey and a hey and a hey

And a hey and a hey and a hey and a hey

And a hey and a hey and a hey and a hey and a hey

And a hey and a hey and a hey and a hey and a...

And a plane full of tourists from Miami Beach,

And Daddums

And dear Fester, which is the real you?

And enslaved a minister.

And Gomez feels incredibly guilty about it.

And here I thought Fester was the problem.

And his memory must live on forever through money.

And his slow but determined companion?

And I am bringing him, after all these years,

And I hate him. By God, you're right!

And I'm counting on you.

And if you're not back in one hour,

And knock three times.

And my cigar and he slept so well!

And now, Fester Addams,

And our credo, Sic gorgiamus allos subjectatos nunc.

And properties contained therein, with one exception.

And rightful owner of all possessions

And she told them to look in the oven.

And she was about to push them in when, lo and behold,

And so, the witch lured Hansel and Gretel

And spur my dull revenge!

And the combination and the password

And then around to...

And this is new business

And Tully takes the rap. Gordon, it's brilliant.

And we do not discuss new business until

And we owe it all to you, Dr. Pinder Schloss.

And why?

Are they dead?

Are they made from real Girl Scouts?

Are you there?

Aren't memories precious?

Arsenic, cyanide. Cyanide. Arsenic, arsenic.

As an Addams, yes, I do.

As an Addams, you understand completely, don't you?

As does mine.

Ask for a loan. Beg!

Ask me anything.

Ask. Ask.

At long last,

Back off!

Back to share your joys, your sorrows.

Be my guest.

Being in my old room sure brings back memories.

Big night for you guys, eh, small fry?

Boom! They give him to me at Human Services,

Bravo, Pugsley!

Bravo!

Bravo!

Bravo!

Breakfast?

Brutes, Fester. Pioneers.

Buried alive.

Burning with uncertainty.

But don't worry. We've told Wednesday, college first.

But he isn't even Uncle Fester.

But I did not mean to drive you off,

But I didn't hate my mother, it was an accident.

But I got this stomach thing when I torture people.

But I will be back, you can bet, to be checking on Fester's adjustment.

But if I can't, well, then that's it.

But tell that to an angry mob.

But that is not. That's an impostor!

But they're his family. What makes you think they'll fall for it?

But we are Addamses, and we will not submit.

But we're late for the charity auction.

But Wednesday brought in this picture,

But you said you'd help us, with the Shakespeare and the pus.

But, Tully, it's not old business.

By voodoo witch doctors and forced to recruit others.

Call me!

Calpurnia Addams.

Can you ever forgive me?

Can you hear it, my treasure?

Cara mia, is it true?

Cara mia.

Cara mia.

Charades?

Charity auction, it's ridiculous!

Charlatan, deadbeat, parasite.

Children, look! Great Aunt Lavinia!

Children, we're starting!

Come here, my little one.

Come on, Uncle Fester. Come to the play.

Come on. Stop fooling. You remember.

Cool.

Could change a man so much?

Could you?

Cousin Pledge.

Crowbar.

Cyanide.

Damn it, where is he?

Damn it.

Damn you, Addams!

Damn, it's good to have you back. Let's go.

Darling Uncle Eimar.

Darling, forgive me. You see what they've driven me to?

Darling, take care.

Dead or alive.

Deeply

Did you like the blood?

Did you sleep well?

Dirty pool, old man.

Dirty pool, old man. Never again!

Displacement. How bizarre.

Do it again.

Do it.

Do they really exist or is this just tabloid hooey?

Do we have a deal?

Do we, Mr. Alford? And why?

Do you think that's really Uncle Fester?

Doctor, you were so right.

Does it matter?

Doesn't make sense.

Don't ask me.

Don't be a baby. I know what I'm doing.

Don't concern yourself about me, Gordon.

Don't dawdle.

Don't let me down. Don't buckle.

Don't say it. I'll get the money.

Don't stare. Just get me out.

Don't tease.

Don't torture yourself, Gomez.

Don't you think I've tried?

Down, kitty!

Dr. Pinder Schloss explained everything.

Dr. Pinder Schloss really did find Fester

Dr. Pinder Schloss, will you be staying with us, too?

Dynamite.

Either way, what bliss.

Eleven.

Entrails?

Even for the auction.

Even with a chain saw.

Every year on this date,

Everyone keeps asking where he bought his costume.

Everyone will be at the children's play tonight, correct?

Fan out. Pugsley, head for the dung heap.

Father says so, but I think Mother isn't sure.

Father's playing with his trains.

Fester Addams,

Fester Addams, home at long last.

Fester Addams, I demand that you knock again!

Fester Addams.

Fester, as if we'd run out.

Fester, as if we'd run out.

Fester, this way!

Fester, walk me out.

Fester, you take the ravine and the unmarked abandoned well.

Fester's the older brother, so he gets it all.

First a brandy. Do the honors.

First, the old business.

Flora and Fauna Amor.

Flora and Fauna.

Flora, Fauna, how can I compete?

For 25 years,

For me?

For you, life is all fun and games.

Fore!

Forgiven. Forgotten.

From generation to generation,

From the Bermuda Triangle.

From this house.

Gangrene.

Give me that sword.

Go tell it on the mountains,

Go. Off with you.

Gomez Addams,

Gomez,

Gomez, why don't we go for a drive?

Gomez?

Gomez.

Gomez.

Good evening. I am Dr. Pinder Schloss.

Good man. Good thinking!

Good night, Fester.

Good night.

Good show, old man.

Gordon and I enjoy a very special relationship.

Gordon, I don't understand this. Let me get this clear.

Gordon, I have a thought. Just a notion, top of my head.

Gordon, I'm your friend.

Gordon, no.

Gordon!

Gordon! Gordon!

Gordon? Gordon?

Gordon.

Half alive, barely human, a rotting shell.

Hansel pushed the poor, defenseless witch

Have you spoken to her parents?

Have you? Have you tried hard enough?

Haven't you ever slaughtered anyone?

He and Gomez had some sort of a fight

He comes for his mamushka

He is your brother.

He keeps coughing up blood.

He was found in Miami, tangled in a tuna net.

He won't eat. He can't sleep.

He wore that finger trap for two years!

He would've wanted it that way. Beloved Fester.

He wouldn't circle.

He wouldn't peck.

He'll tell you anything. Just ask.

He's going through a bad patch at the moment,

He's home.

He's no moron. He's Fester's brother.

He's suspicious, they all are, I can tell.

He's using the diesel.

He's very hurt. Just leave.

Hear me out!

Hello, Margaret. Cousin It.

Hello, Sally.

Hello, sweetheart.

Help me.

Here we come!

Here, boy. Here, boy.

Here, kitty, kitty.

Here, Lurch. On the house.

Here?

Hey, Bigfoot.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Hey, I've been the Addams' lawyer for years.

His trains are everywhere. The children are beside themselves.

Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. You have to listen to me.

Home cooking!

Hours.

How can I help him? Tell me, Mama.

How do you like it?

How do you take it off?

How do you take it off? That's absurd.

How I wish the children could have known them better.

How true. Stranger things have happened.

How would you like to be rid of the Addamses for good?

Hush, Mama. It's for charity. Widows and orphans.

I admit that now.

I am blinded by such beauty.

I am bringing him home to you!

I am restrained from my own house?

I am that fool!

I believe I am understanding. I can help, yes?

I believe these are yours.

I can't find her anywhere. Let's just leave.

I can't. We mustn't.

I cannot see.

I changed my mind.

I didn't love them,

I displace her.

I displace her.

I do hear it.

I do what I can.

I don't have the money to repay you. I've tried everything.

I don't think so.

I feel like we're children again.

I feel that he's near.

I get the gold, and we're gone.

I had to be strict with you because I cared. Put it down!

I have a plan.

I hope so, Mr. Alford, for your sake.

I knew it. You are a fake.

I knew that.

I knew you couldn't stay away, old man.

I know what you're feeling, Fester.

I like it.

I love you. And I want money.

I love you. And I want money.

I only like all natural fruits and beverages

I proposed that very night.

I said I was busy.

I sang up a storm and danced till I dropped!

I swallowed with one whoosh ka!

I swear by Mummy

I tell you what. We'll give you a head start.

I was jealous.

I will counsel the troubled family, ease their distress.

I will explain.

I wish you'd come. It's Gomez, I'm terribly worried about him.

I would die for her.

I would speak with Fester if that were Fester.

I'll buy a cup

I'll call once I'm alone.

I'll never listen to you, never ever again.

I'll open the bidding at $5,000.

I'm beginning to think my brother truly is lost.

I'm fine, Mother. I'm completely in control.

I'm flattered. Excuse me, ladies.

I'm gonna deposit the funds under my name for tax purposes.

I'm here to see Mrs. Addams about the charity auction.

I'm in the way.

I'm just fine. I'm dandy.

I'm not stalling. Stop badgering me.

I'm so glad I can spend this night with my family,

I'm telling you. There were tests, so many tests!

I've been around. I pick things up.

I've got a lot of things cooking in the Bermuda Triangle.

I've got a real treat in store.

I've never played this before.

If these walls could speak, eh, old man?

If you buy a box of my delicious Girl Scout cookies.

Imagine, darling, if Fester did come back.

In matching coffins.

In the Bermuda Triangle?

In the way?

Indeed!

Insanely jealous.

Into the candy house by promising them more sweets.

Into the oven instead, where she was burned alive,

Is encrusted with rubies and 15 emerald chips.

Is it unpleasant?

Is that for your brother?

Is that what we're here for? Fun?

Is this familiar?

Is this the one, Mother'? That deadbeat you mentioned?

Isn't he adorable?

Isn't it a beautiful night?

Isn't it too enchanting?

Isn't that sweet?

Isn't that the most ridiculous thing you've ever heard?

It belongs to the oldest living descendant,

It has to warm up.

It is a milestone, Tish.

It is a wonderful hat.

It means nothing.

It must be worth a fortune.

It requires you to keep a distance of 1,000 yards

It was donated by Morticia and Gomez Addams.

It was just last month during the Hurricane Helga.

It was marvelous.

It, old man!

It's a promise.

It's a very common psychosis, I'm seeing it every day.

It's all about Uncle Fester, isn't it?

It's all ours, Fester. You belong here, old man.

It's called, ls There a God?

It's going to have to wait. You know the rules better than that.

It's gonna be great.

It's like a dream.

It's Mother.

It's my calling. Remember, Gordon?

It's not going to work.

It's not gonna be easy. There are people everywhere.

It's perfect for small holes, carports and tool sheds.

It's so sweet. He looks just like a little entrée.

It's unbelievable. This hideous creature and my little boy.

Junior spaceman.

Just think, someday we'll be buried here

Keep the ball. I have a whole bucketful.

Keep the book closed, Gordon. Listen to Mother.

Kids.

Kill the hare! Skin it. Boil it.

Knock it off.

Last night you were unhinged.

Later, my dearest.

Leave me alone!

Lest we forget.

Let us ransom you from the power of the grave.

Let's dance the dance of brotherly love!

Let's keep it.

Let's take a call.

Let's take another call.

Liberal Arts.

Like a decent coat, something dressy, for evening.

Like a tomb.

Like for Mama. No?

Listen closely. It says, Gordon, I love you,

Look at her.

Look at it, Fester.

Look at you.

Look, children, a new chapter.

Look, darling. Tully is here.

Look, our little boy.

Loving mother, grateful son.

Lucky doctor.

Mad dog killers.

Magic in the air.

Make me proud.

Make yourself comfortable, old man,

Mama and Morticia, the shallow graves. I'll take the abyss.

Mama.

Mamushka, mamushka

Mamushka, mamushka

Margaret?

May I have the salt?

Meanwhile, we have this little nest, quiet and cozy

Miss Bradbury!

Miss Bradbury.

Mon amour.

Mon sauvage.

Morticia in danger.

Morticia, please.

Morticia.

Morticia. Morticia what?

Mother and Father Addams.

Mother had to teach him to eat with his feet.

Mother insisted.

Mother.

Mr. Addams, please stop calling.

Mrs. Addams, can I see you for a moment?

My blood boils.

My God, what is it?

My goodness! Say! Look! Would somebody come here!

My own dear brother.

My own dear brother.

Never mind. I'll take yours.

Next quarter?

Next quarter?

Next quarter.

No loans. I am not a bum.

No more loan sharking, no more storefront scams.

No one even looked at the corpse.

No, no, no, no, no, no!

No, no, no, no, no.

No, no. I must be going.

No, no. Sorry, old man. No wandering today.

No, not Gordon!

No, wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait.

No. Tish?

Nobody gets out of the Bermuda Triangle.

Nobody likes that. It's unattractive.

Nosy little brat.

Not anymore.

Not even for a vacation.

Not just pretty words.

Not to the Bermuda Triangle.

Not your house, mustache. Not anymore.

Nothing.

Now listen, Fester's been missing for 25 years.

Now that Fester's back, he's king of the castle again, isn't he?

Now that I've got my memory back.

Now, boys and girls, what do you think that feels like?

Now.

O proud death,

O, villain, villain, smiling, damned villain!

Of course I tried. I still can't find it.

Of course not.

Of course.

Of course.

Of course. Wake the dead.

Oh, all right.

Oh, by all means! They're clients, Margaret.

Oh, Gomez.

Oh, Gomez.

Oh, Morticia! This is too extravagant!

Oh, Mother, I'm so terribly sorry.

Oh, my little bundle. So much you don't understand.

Oh, my!

Oh, no.

Oh, of course, Miss Firkins.

Oh, thank God.

Oh, Tish, that's French.

Oh, Tish, what more could we ask?

Oh, Tish.

Oh, Tish.

Oh, yes. I've been working with them.

Oh, yes. I've been working with them.

Okay, Mother?

Old business is old business and new business is new business

One for me.

One for you, Tully.

Only our parents. I called him brother.

Organically grown with no preservatives.

Oui.

Our beacon to the beyond.

Our lifeless bodies

Our secret place.

Our secret place.

Our special private name for each other?

Out to the cemetery! Come on, everyone.

Pale and mysterious.

Payment due.

Please, Gordon, by all means, go sing, dance, date.

Please, hear me out!

Please, return to your depraved orgy.

Please?

Please. Greta.

Please. I'm choking. Please.

Please. Please!

Poison us. Strangle us. Break our bones.

Poor devil, what did they do to you in that Bermuda Triangle?

Psychopaths, fiends,

Pugsley, sit in the chair.

Pugsley.

Put down that antenna.

Put that book down, Gordon. You don't know what it can do.

Querida.

Quickly, darling.

Quite the pair, eh, Gomez?

Really? Well, thank God I came over here.

Remember that fateful night?

Rest in peace.

Rotting together for all eternity.

Say it, Gordon. Make me believe it.

Séance weather.

Seeing the twins brought it all back. You're bitter rivals, Gomez.

Send help at once. Stop!

Senior partner.

Shall I be joyous or shall I be damned?

She certainly would.

She studies it. Death at sea, she's hooked.

She was beheaded by her own children!

She was burned as a witch in 1706.

She'll turn up, the little cockroach.

Ship ahoy

Show time!

Side by side, six feet under

Since God knows when.

Sing, O spirits, hearken all souls.

Slow down! It's terrible when you stutter.

Smell that air, Fester.

So hey, hey, hey, he)! Hey, hey, hey, hey

So many years.

So, you claim that your son was brainwashed

Somebody else.

Someone should stay behind in case she comes back.

Sometimes I think you're not even my son.

Sometimes it seems like more.

Soon we'll have the money and we'll be far from here.

Sorry about the window, Judge.

Sorry, but I have to get back.

Spirits above me, give me a sign.

Start with the eyes.

Stop dragging your feet. You disgust me!

Stop it, Gordon. Stop it!

Stop it, this instant.

Stop it! I'm warning you.

Stop it.

Stop whining, you little good for nothing.

Stop! Let go!

Stop.

Sweet oblivion, open your arms!

Tag. You're it!

Take him to the vault,

Tangled in a tuna net 25 years ago,

Taught to us by our Cossack cousins,

Tell me what you think?

Ten minutes, I'll be back.

Thank God for that lightning. Knocked some sense into you.

Thank you, Dr. Pinder Schloss.

Thank you, Lurch.

Thank you, Thing.

That finger trap was a party favor at his 10th birthday!

That I declare Fester Addams legal executor of the Addams estate

That was a long time ago when we were children.

That's a problem, isn't it?

That's better.

That's how much you mean to this family.

That's inspired.

That's my job.

That's right. Now get moving, Addams.

That's the spirit, Thing. Lend a hand. Let's go!

That's the wrong book.

The beauteous Amor twins.

The Bermuda Triangle is a very strange and mysterious place.

The Black Hole of Calcutta.

The courts will decide.

The covered bridge.

The echt Fester Addams

The elder brother, Fester Addams.

The feelings in your brain cells, they bubble and collide.

The Fester Addams Offshore Retirement Fund?

The Florida Department of the Fish and the Game,

The house will be deserted. The vault will be ours.

The house, the money, you name it.

The human spirit, it is a hard thing to kill.

The mamushka has been an Addams' family tradition

The mamushka!

The mamushka! The mamushka!

The primeval ooze. Quicksand, fumes, toxic waste.

The sea, your second home.

The Siamese twins, the hunchback, Cousin It,

The sky, it was black like pitch.

The sun.

The swift yet lazy little cottontail

The theory of displacement.

The twins?

The vault, Addams, right now.

The vault!

The waves, they were walls of doom. Can you imagine?

There it is. Just what we've been searching for.

There were sailors, pirates

There you are, at last.

There, the debutante ball.

There, the monthly expenses.

There! I said it.

There's a trick to it,

There's more, there's a fortune, but nobody can get to it.

There's nothing like it in the world.

There's your ride, girls.

Therefore, it is with no small amount of personal satisfaction

These are your last paying clients, may I remind you?

They could be twins.

They don't love you. I do.

They drag him from the ocean, from the very jaws of oblivion.

They had some awful fight years ago.

They know I'm a fraud, the whole bunch.

They say a man who represents himself has a fool for a client.

They say she danced naked in the town square

They'll think he's Fester, their long lost brother.

They're evil and corrupt and degraded.

They're not you.

They're not your family, Gordon. I am.

They're on to me, Mother. I'm almost sure.

They're waiting for Fester. Amuse them.

Think of it, Thing.

Thirty five!

Thirty.

This detestable Fester's

This is all so humiliating.

This is it, Mother. The one we've been waiting for.

This is my costume. I'm a homicidal maniac.

This magnificent piece

This mamushka is for you.

This month, our theme is our heroes, people we love and admire.

This very night, our 25th séance.

Those are doubloons for the Addams account.

Three parts dynamite with a nitroglycerin cap.

Three skulls and a pelvis. How is that?

Tighter.

Tish, how long has it been since we've waltzed?

Tish, seeing you like this,

Tish?

To live without you, only that would be torture.

Today I'd like to wander through the house, remembering.

Today we're going straight to the vault.

Tonight we dance for our treasured guest of honor,

Torn limb from limb by four wild horses.

Trick or treat.

Trick or...

Troubled husbands.

Tully, take over. Tighten it.

Tully, the Amor twins.

Two out of three?

Two to the right, ten to the left.

Two, ten, eleven. Eyes, fingers, toes.

Uncle Atlas, wake up.

Uncle Fester, will you take me there someday?

Uncle Fester?

Uncle Fester?

Uncle Fester.

Uncle Niknak.

Uncle Niknak's winter wardrobe.

Understood?

Undone by woe,

Unpacking? Let me.

Voodoo witch doctors here in the United States.

Wait!

Wake the dead! Wake the dead!

Wake up, Grandpa Addams. It's Halloween.

Walk with me, Fester.

Water under the bridge.

We can't do that again.

We danced the mamushka at Waterloo.

We danced the mamushka for Jack the Ripper.

We danced the mamushka while Nero fiddled.

We do not know where they meet.

We gladly feast on those who would subdue us.

We have so many homemakers re entering the workforce.

We need more of them.

We offer a clarion call to Fester Addams.

We shall mark the occasion.

We will come back for more.

We'd love you to call in with your comments.

We'll find the money.

We're a family again

We've attempted to contact Fester in the great beyond,

We've got to find Tully.

Wednesday adores the Bermuda Triangle.

Wednesday is an excellent student, but, frankly, I'm concerned.

Wednesday, play with your food.

Wednesday!

Wednesday!

Wednesday!

Wednesday!

Wednesday.

Wednesday. Pugsley. I changed my mind.

Wednesday's great aunt Calpurnia.

Welcome, honored guests.

Well, if he insists upon leaving,

Well, if he insists upon leaving,

Well, not enough.

Well, not like he used to.

Well, people grow. People change.

Well, with God as my witness,

What a fool I was to doubt you.

What a grip!

What a lovely woman. So chilly.

What about your husband? Is he currently employed?

What are you, darling? Where's your costume?

What can I say? He's gonna break hearts.

What do we say?

What does this story teach us?

What feast is toward in thine eternal cell?

What game?

What is he, a lizard?

What is he, a loafer? A hopeless layabout?

What shall it be? Bobbing for apples?

What the hell's going on over there?

What was I thinking?

What?

What? Come on, old man. I've smoked since I was five.

When we first met, it was an evening much like this.

Where's my pen?

While I get the money for the monthly expenses.

Who calls me a villain? Breaks my pate across?

Who is it? We're paid through Thursday.

Who knows? Gomez, that overheated moron?

Who put this in here?

Who recalls the fable of The Tortoise and the Hare?

Who would have thought the Bermuda Triangle

Who's there?