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Admission (2013) Admission (2013) is a delightful romantic comedy film directed by Paul Weitz. The story revolves around a

Admission (2013)

Admission (2013) is a delightful romantic comedy film directed by Paul Weitz. The story revolves around a Princeton University admissions officer, played by Tina Fey, who finds herself thrown into a personal dilemma when she meets a potential candidate who may be the son she gave up for adoption years ago. This heartwarming and humorous film also stars Paul Rudd as a high school teacher and love interest, along with Lily Tomlin, Wallace Shawn, and Michael Sheen in supporting roles. The chemistry between Fey and Rudd, combined with the smart and witty script, makes Admission an entertaining exploration of love, family, and the pressures of the college admissions process.

If you're in the mood for a charming movie with a talented cast, don't miss Admission! You can easily play and download its sounds here.

A bit.
A bit.
A copy. A faded copy.
A copy. A faded copy.
A legacy
A legacy
A legacy of what, I'm not really sure.
A legacy of what, I'm not really sure.
A little bit. You know me, I'm a lightweight.
A little bit. You know me, I'm a lightweight.
A scholar of your stature would carry a huge amount of weight with the committee.
A scholar of your stature would carry a huge amount of weight with the committee.
A selfish asshole. And I just wanted to come here and...
A selfish asshole. And I just wanted to come here and...
A unique talent that demonstrates passion and commitment would be good.
A unique talent that demonstrates passion and commitment would be good.
Absolutely.
Absolutely.
Actually, I think we met the last time I was here.
Actually, I think we met the last time I was here.
Actually, I've got to hit the road.
Actually, I've got to hit the road.
Actually, I've got to hit the road.
Actually, I've got to hit the road.
ADMISSION
ADMISSION
Admission Matters
Admission Matters
Aleksai.
Aleksai.
Alice Copley.
Alice Copley.
All decisions have been made.
All decisions have been made.
All in favor of admission?
All in favor of admission?
All my friends thought for sure that I'd bail.
All my friends thought for sure that I'd bail.
All right, it's coming! Portia, get back here, now!
All right, it's coming! Portia, get back here, now!
All right, Portia. Well done!
All right, Portia. Well done!
All right. Let me rewind.
All right. Let me rewind.
Almost enough for everybody.
Almost enough for everybody.
Along with his uncle. Nelson was two.
Along with his uncle. Nelson was two.
Although we certainly wouldn't hold it against you.
Although we certainly wouldn't hold it against you.
An admissions officer must have a strong constitution...
An admissions officer must have a strong constitution...
An right.
An right.
And cleaned contaminated water from villages...
And cleaned contaminated water from villages...
And did you know that women are the only exploited group in history...
And did you know that women are the only exploited group in history...
And gymnastics national champion.
And gymnastics national champion.
And he has a positive recommendation...
And he has a positive recommendation...
And here is the information you'll need on that student.
And here is the information you'll need on that student.
And his SATs are almost perfect.
And his SATs are almost perfect.
And honestly...
And honestly...
And I actually think he'd do great there...
And I actually think he'd do great there...
And I am not a mother, but I know the importance of it loo.
And I am not a mother, but I know the importance of it loo.
And I know this is very sudden and I don't expect
And I know this is very sudden and I don't expect
And I know, I was speechless loo.
And I know, I was speechless loo.
And I met her and my half sisters a couple months ago.
And I met her and my half sisters a couple months ago.
And I need him to meet this applicant.
And I need him to meet this applicant.
And I think he could use a little more connection in his life.
And I think he could use a little more connection in his life.
And I wished so many times that I could have told you his name.
And I wished so many times that I could have told you his name.
And I'm not trying to ruin your life.
And I'm not trying to ruin your life.
And I've added a number of new schools.
And I've added a number of new schools.
And I've added five full days to the San Francisco Bay Area and Northern California.
And I've added five full days to the San Francisco Bay Area and Northern California.
And I've dragged it place to place, across the world ever since I was twenty two.
And I've dragged it place to place, across the world ever since I was twenty two.
And I've ordered everything, you just need to pick up the...
And I've ordered everything, you just need to pick up the...
And if you would like to visit the campus...
And if you would like to visit the campus...
And if your biological son chooses to contact you'?
And if your biological son chooses to contact you'?
And in a wheelchair.
And in a wheelchair.
And it's our poetry night, and...
And it's our poetry night, and...
And last, we come to the end.
And last, we come to the end.
And Mr. Pressman, in the future...
And Mr. Pressman, in the future...
And my poetry, written in my mother's psych ward...
And my poetry, written in my mother's psych ward...
And no, that sign is not an omen.
And no, that sign is not an omen.
And not of some guarded suburban enclave.
And not of some guarded suburban enclave.
And now, with a special performance for Nelson on his big day.
And now, with a special performance for Nelson on his big day.
And pass the baton to a worthy successor.
And pass the baton to a worthy successor.
And play frisbee for the rest of their lives.
And play frisbee for the rest of their lives.
And please, rest assured, that nothing...
And please, rest assured, that nothing...
And she died in a car crash.
And she died in a car crash.
And so I will never know who my father is.
And so I will never know who my father is.
And that is exactly why I knew that night on the train thirty seven years ago...
And that is exactly why I knew that night on the train thirty seven years ago...
And that was the famous Blair Arch.
And that was the famous Blair Arch.
And that Woolf woman.
And that Woolf woman.
And that's it. That's all I have to say.
And that's it. That's all I have to say.
And the relevance of all this is?
And the relevance of all this is?
And then he was found.
And then he was found.
And then...
And then...
And they realty know how to spread their joys
And they realty know how to spread their joys
And we have our first graduating class this year.
And we have our first graduating class this year.
And what makes you think she needs your approval?
And what makes you think she needs your approval?
And what your background is, that's just a box and I reject it.
And what your background is, that's just a box and I reject it.
And when you phone, it is noted in your file.
And when you phone, it is noted in your file.
And why? For his resume?
And why? For his resume?
And yet...
And yet...
And you can handle an axe...
And you can handle an axe...
And you don't just barrel into other people's lives like this.
And you don't just barrel into other people's lives like this.
And you know, maybe if his parents had been rich...
And you know, maybe if his parents had been rich...
And you never wanted kids?
And you never wanted kids?
And, we are a family...unit.
And, we are a family...unit.
Another penny to this university ever again.
Another penny to this university ever again.
Any budding astrophysicists in the crowd?
Any budding astrophysicists in the crowd?
Any second thoughts?
Any second thoughts?
Any words of wisdom for hopefully future Princelonians?
Any words of wisdom for hopefully future Princelonians?
Applicalus interruptus. You know the rule.
Applicalus interruptus. You know the rule.
Applying from Los Angeles...
Applying from Los Angeles...
Aput Kunayak from Nome, Alaska.
Aput Kunayak from Nome, Alaska.
Aput Kunayak.
Aput Kunayak.
Are attending school here.
Are attending school here.
Are those birds?
Are those birds?
Are you all right?
Are you all right?
Are you going to be my mom?
Are you going to be my mom?
Are you going to give me the file?
Are you going to give me the file?
Are you Johnny's girlfriend?
Are you Johnny's girlfriend?
Are you kidding me?
Are you kidding me?
Are you married?
Are you married?
Are you out of your fucking mind?
Are you out of your fucking mind?
Aren't you ready yet?
Aren't you ready yet?
As a mother myself, I know the importance of teamwork.
As a mother myself, I know the importance of teamwork.
As far as I can tell, parents exist just to drive their kids insane.
As far as I can tell, parents exist just to drive their kids insane.
As I would with any outstanding student who may have been overlooked.
As I would with any outstanding student who may have been overlooked.
As much as I do appreciate Thomas the Tank Engine.
As much as I do appreciate Thomas the Tank Engine.
Ask Portia.
Ask Portia.
At Dartmouth, I was friends with Shelley
At Dartmouth, I was friends with Shelley
At least you're trying.
At least you're trying.
At the New Hampshire Slate Championships.
At the New Hampshire Slate Championships.
At your age, you're supposed to be boring.
At your age, you're supposed to be boring.
B's in Physics and you didn't take AP Chem.
B's in Physics and you didn't take AP Chem.
Back in college. And I gave him up for adoption.
Back in college. And I gave him up for adoption.
Back to work.
Back to work.
Backbone of the Woodwinds section...
Backbone of the Woodwinds section...
Balakian, Jeremiah
Balakian, Jeremiah
Balakian, Jeremiah
Balakian, Jeremiah
Because I can't stand you.
Because I can't stand you.
Because I was raised by sheep.
Because I was raised by sheep.
Because I've actually lived a few places on planet earth .
Because I've actually lived a few places on planet earth .
Because I've got a treat for you next!
Because I've got a treat for you next!
Because it happens either way. It happens either way.
Because it happens either way. It happens either way.
Because there's over twenty thousand of them.
Because there's over twenty thousand of them.
Because we just do tests.
Because we just do tests.
Because where you went to school...
Because where you went to school...
Because you are a kid. I am an adult.
Because you are a kid. I am an adult.
Because you forgot one important thing on your way to self empowerment.
Because you forgot one important thing on your way to self empowerment.
Because you never know where you'll end up on them.
Because you never know where you'll end up on them.
Because you two are my superstars...
Because you two are my superstars...
Because you're a normal, boring adult.
Because you're a normal, boring adult.
Ben, do you mind escorting Mr. Pressman out?
Ben, do you mind escorting Mr. Pressman out?
Besides, do they even play Bridge in Ecuador?
Besides, do they even play Bridge in Ecuador?
Besides, when was the last time you went to a party?
Besides, when was the last time you went to a party?
Bigger.
Bigger.
Bit finicky.
Bit finicky.
Bolton, Jesse
Bolton, Jesse
Boundaries!
Boundaries!
Brandt?
Brandt?
Brearley School, Manhattan.
Brearley School, Manhattan.
Budding journalist...
Budding journalist...
But did you notice that he also got 5s on all eight AP exams...
But did you notice that he also got 5s on all eight AP exams...
But he can't pretend to be somebody he's not.
But he can't pretend to be somebody he's not.
But he got 5's on all eight APs.
But he got 5's on all eight APs.
But he look himself from nowhere to where he is today.
But he look himself from nowhere to where he is today.
But he thought you might be in need of some comfort and guidance.
But he thought you might be in need of some comfort and guidance.
But I can't tell you. Not yet.
But I can't tell you. Not yet.
But I care about this kid...
But I care about this kid...
But I did find Balakian, Jeremiah.
But I did find Balakian, Jeremiah.
But I didn't tell him anything. It's your decision .
But I didn't tell him anything. It's your decision .
But I do remember your plea that we do so.
But I do remember your plea that we do so.
But I think she has other plans.
But I think she has other plans.
But I thought by now you'd be back on your feet.
But I thought by now you'd be back on your feet.
But I want you to be able to get by in the world.
But I want you to be able to get by in the world.
But I will tell you what not to do.
But I will tell you what not to do.
But number two is, you know, that's good...too.
But number two is, you know, that's good...too.
But she's originally from our beautiful stale of New Jersey.
But she's originally from our beautiful stale of New Jersey.
But since you're new to the process, as a professional courtesy, I can...
But since you're new to the process, as a professional courtesy, I can...
But the recs aren't special.
But the recs aren't special.
But then again, we have to make room for the exceptional, right?
But then again, we have to make room for the exceptional, right?
But there's not much for supper unless you want to go pick some kale.
But there's not much for supper unless you want to go pick some kale.
But you did well.
But you did well.
But you seem like a great guy too.
But you seem like a great guy too.
But you're not the only one who reeks of cow placenta.
But you're not the only one who reeks of cow placenta.
But you're not the only one who reeks of cow placenta.
But you're not the only one who reeks of cow placenta.
But, about this Spanish test.
But, about this Spanish test.
But, oh, can he read the wind.
But, oh, can he read the wind.
By the way, I know that wasn't a perfect showcase...
By the way, I know that wasn't a perfect showcase...
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye. Thank you for calling.
Bye. Thank you for calling.
Call me back.
Call me back.
Calm down.
Calm down.
Can I get you some iced lea?
Can I get you some iced lea?
Can we get him a second alumni interview?
Can we get him a second alumni interview?
Can you get these cows out of the way?
Can you get these cows out of the way?
Can you just watch the kids while I run to the vet?
Can you just watch the kids while I run to the vet?
Can you please e mail me your information and I will call you back?
Can you please e mail me your information and I will call you back?
Can't go it alone.
Can't go it alone.
Captain of his sailing club.
Captain of his sailing club.
Chess club, makes an excellent soufflé...
Chess club, makes an excellent soufflé...
Christ, I have to go. Hang on in there.
Christ, I have to go. Hang on in there.
Clarence Hall, Dean of Admissions. Princeton.
Clarence Hall, Dean of Admissions. Princeton.
Clarence, we're going to be back on lop.
Clarence, we're going to be back on lop.
Clarence, you told us at the beginning of the year...
Clarence, you told us at the beginning of the year...
Class of '81.
Class of '81.
Class of 2016.
Class of 2016.
Class of eighty one. Lot's changed since then.
Class of eighty one. Lot's changed since then.
Class rank two of four hundred and fifty, magnet school in a suburb of San Diego.
Class rank two of four hundred and fifty, magnet school in a suburb of San Diego.
Clearly a very busy time for you all.
Clearly a very busy time for you all.
Come on, come on. Right now!
Come on, come on. Right now!
Come on, do it!
Come on, do it!
Come on, let's get you something to eat.
Come on, let's get you something to eat.
Come on, man!
Come on, man!
Come on, Portia. Make us fall in love.
Come on, Portia. Make us fall in love.
Cool!
Cool!
Cool. I'm cutting class.
Cool. I'm cutting class.
Corrine, are you ready?
Corrine, are you ready?
Could you put the salad on?
Could you put the salad on?
Course she has, she's our golden retriever.
Course she has, she's our golden retriever.
D plus. One point five.
D plus. One point five.
Dashiel Weld Broward.
Dashiel Weld Broward.
Deep down in the working class.
Deep down in the working class.
Definitely. He was just in here.
Definitely. He was just in here.
DENY
DENY
DENY
DENY
DENY
DENY
Descartes.
Descartes.
Developmental, but academically rigorous.
Developmental, but academically rigorous.
Did this Balakian kid discover electricity or paint the Mona Lisa?
Did this Balakian kid discover electricity or paint the Mona Lisa?
Did you get that other thing I sent you?
Did you get that other thing I sent you?
Did you just say if you were me you would kill yourself?
Did you just say if you were me you would kill yourself?
Did you mean it when you said I could do this?
Did you mean it when you said I could do this?
Did you read the rest of it?
Did you read the rest of it?
Did you say you're pink, therefore you're ham?
Did you say you're pink, therefore you're ham?
Did you stay over?
Did you stay over?
Do not fix anything! I don't want to ever see you again!
Do not fix anything! I don't want to ever see you again!
Do you even know whether Jeremiah wants to meet his birth mother'?
Do you even know whether Jeremiah wants to meet his birth mother'?
Do you guys want to see Descartes philosophize backwards?
Do you guys want to see Descartes philosophize backwards?
Do you have any advice for a young man, Rene?
Do you have any advice for a young man, Rene?
Do you like the cake?
Do you like the cake?
Do you recall Jesse Bolton?
Do you recall Jesse Bolton?
Do you think he can handle an intense academic community?
Do you think he can handle an intense academic community?
Do you think he has a shot?
Do you think he has a shot?
Do you think you have room for one more in your life?
Do you think you have room for one more in your life?
Do you want to defend the innocent and secure justice for all?
Do you want to defend the innocent and secure justice for all?
DOE, JOHN
DOE, JOHN
Does that mean every Princeton undergraduate is a genius or a prodigy?
Does that mean every Princeton undergraduate is a genius or a prodigy?
Does your mom wear blue blazers?
Does your mom wear blue blazers?
Dogs are too dependent on humans.
Dogs are too dependent on humans.
Don't listen to him. Did you decide what your major is?
Don't listen to him. Did you decide what your major is?
Don't people just need a college degree if you want lo pursue...
Don't people just need a college degree if you want lo pursue...
Don't take it out on him. It's my own thing.
Don't take it out on him. It's my own thing.
Don't you reject 99.9 percent of your applicants?
Don't you reject 99.9 percent of your applicants?
Ds and Fs in ninth, tenth and eleventh grade?
Ds and Fs in ninth, tenth and eleventh grade?
Dude, what a cougar.
Dude, what a cougar.
E mail is the appropriate form of communication.
E mail is the appropriate form of communication.
Educated family. Privileged upbringing.
Educated family. Privileged upbringing.
Electromagnetic waves on bees.
Electromagnetic waves on bees.
Eleven. That is supposed to be an eleven.
Eleven. That is supposed to be an eleven.
Even though he's a legacy, he's definitely going to Yale.
Even though he's a legacy, he's definitely going to Yale.
Ever.
Ever.
Everyone is now leaving, OK.
Everyone is now leaving, OK.
Everyone knows?
Everyone knows?
Exactly!
Exactly!
Exactly.
Exactly.
Excellent extracurriculars.
Excellent extracurriculars.
Excellent.
Excellent.
Except a lot of people are named Sophie.
Except a lot of people are named Sophie.
Except, get some goddamn dog food.
Except, get some goddamn dog food.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Fake? You mean you had a boob job?
Fake? You mean you had a boob job?
Fantastic.
Fantastic.
Fat Envelope Frenzy
Fat Envelope Frenzy
Father of Jesse Bolton.
Father of Jesse Bolton.
Fender bender. It's dumb.
Fender bender. It's dumb.
Fifty.
Fifty.
Final Accept Deny
Final Accept Deny
Football it's the world's sport, all right?
Football it's the world's sport, all right?
For acceptance?
For acceptance?
For Jeremiah Balakian!
For Jeremiah Balakian!
For my story.
For my story.
For the sake of learning. His passion for knowledge.
For the sake of learning. His passion for knowledge.
Fork. Fork. Fork. Fork.
Fork. Fork. Fork. Fork.
Four point oh.
Four point oh.
Four point three.
Four point three.
Fourth generation legacy.
Fourth generation legacy.
From Richard Bolton.
From Richard Bolton.
Get to work.
Get to work.
Get your hands off my baby!
Get your hands off my baby!
Getting left is a good thing? Really? I have to go.
Getting left is a good thing? Really? I have to go.
Go be a citizen of the planet!
Go be a citizen of the planet!
God dammit. Dammit!
God dammit. Dammit!
Good doggie.
Good doggie.
Good times.
Good times.
Good to meet you. Are you Mr. Balakian?
Good to meet you. Are you Mr. Balakian?
Good to meet you. Are you Mr. Balakian?
Good to meet you. Are you Mr. Balakian?
Good, you're angry. You need to express that.
Good, you're angry. You need to express that.
Good.
Good.
Good.
Good.
Good. He's good.
Good. He's good.
Good. Well, thank you for the party. It was very pleasant.
Good. Well, thank you for the party. It was very pleasant.
Good. What is that?
Good. What is that?
Grab a hoof, grab a hoof. All right, I'm going to count to three. One...
Grab a hoof, grab a hoof. All right, I'm going to count to three. One...
Grab her head. Calm her down.
Grab her head. Calm her down.
Gray matter, that's what counts.
Gray matter, that's what counts.
Great.
Great.
Great. Good. Well...
Great. Good. Well...
Guess you're not so boring after all .
Guess you're not so boring after all .
Hadn't spread yet.
Hadn't spread yet.
Happy
Happy
Happy Happy Happy Happy
Happy Happy Happy Happy
Happy birthday, pal.
Happy birthday, pal.
Harvard and Yale too?
Harvard and Yale too?
Have another vat of gin, Mom.
Have another vat of gin, Mom.
Having sex on a train with a stranger to get pregnant really not so great!
Having sex on a train with a stranger to get pregnant really not so great!
He also received an honorable mention at the state finals for ventriloquism.
He also received an honorable mention at the state finals for ventriloquism.
He asked for a blue blazer with gold buttons and anchors on them for Christmas.
He asked for a blue blazer with gold buttons and anchors on them for Christmas.
He can't love anything...
He can't love anything...
He educated himself purely by instinct.
He educated himself purely by instinct.
He had no plans to attend college until this past fall...
He had no plans to attend college until this past fall...
He has got to get going on his essay.
He has got to get going on his essay.
He has his parents. He has you, right? Nelson?
He has his parents. He has you, right? Nelson?
He is never getting in. Never.
He is never getting in. Never.
He is the kind of student you could always call upon...
He is the kind of student you could always call upon...
He led them to victory three years in a row.
He led them to victory three years in a row.
He loves learning for the sake of learning.
He loves learning for the sake of learning.
He really wants this.
He really wants this.
He was as isolated as someone in Nome, Alaska.
He was as isolated as someone in Nome, Alaska.
He was reading a law encyclopedia.
He was reading a law encyclopedia.
He was robbed.
He was robbed.
He would have been exposed to more.
He would have been exposed to more.
He wrote an essay last year entitled...
He wrote an essay last year entitled...
He'd be the first in his family to attend college.
He'd be the first in his family to attend college.
He's a great kid.
He's a great kid.
He's a great kid.
He's a great kid.
He's a prodigy.
He's a prodigy.
He's a very special student.
He's a very special student.
He's an advanced reader from the age of eight.
He's an advanced reader from the age of eight.
He's become like part of my family.
He's become like part of my family.
He's going to be doing it at Nelson's birthday party.
He's going to be doing it at Nelson's birthday party.
He's going to be up against kids that have resumes fifteen feet long.
He's going to be up against kids that have resumes fifteen feet long.
He's got no extracurriculars at all.
He's got no extracurriculars at all.
He's just not Princeton material.
He's just not Princeton material.
He's just one of those kids that doesn't test well.
He's just one of those kids that doesn't test well.
He's probably out partying with his friends.
He's probably out partying with his friends.
He's the most brilliant student I've come across.
He's the most brilliant student I've come across.
He's very well read.
He's very well read.
Helen is having twins. My twins. I'm leaving you.
Helen is having twins. My twins. I'm leaving you.
Helen is the preeminent Virginia Woolf scholar.
Helen is the preeminent Virginia Woolf scholar.
Helen, back so soon.
Helen, back so soon.
Hello?
Hello?
Her dream is to be a prosecutor, then serve on the Supreme Court.
Her dream is to be a prosecutor, then serve on the Supreme Court.
Her family emigrated from Russia ten years ago.
Her family emigrated from Russia ten years ago.
Here comes one of our illustrious Admissions officers.
Here comes one of our illustrious Admissions officers.
Here from the island of misfit toys is Jeremiah Balakian.
Here from the island of misfit toys is Jeremiah Balakian.
Here is the order of territories, chosen randomly.
Here is the order of territories, chosen randomly.
Here, try this soap.
Here, try this soap.
Here's the crazy part.
Here's the crazy part.
HEY
HEY
Hey Nelson, happy birthday!
Hey Nelson, happy birthday!
Hey Portia.
Hey Portia.
Hey Portia. Everything OK?
Hey Portia. Everything OK?
Hey Princeton, what are you doing?
Hey Princeton, what are you doing?
Hey pups!
Hey pups!
Hey there, little mama.
Hey there, little mama.
Hey, I have somebody here who wants to talk to you.
Hey, I have somebody here who wants to talk to you.
Hey, maybe it was meant to be.
Hey, maybe it was meant to be.
Hey, Portia How you doing?
Hey, Portia How you doing?
Hey, this is Bob Barrow from Hotchkiss.
Hey, this is Bob Barrow from Hotchkiss.
Hey!
Hey!
Hey! Watch yourself, asshole!
Hey! Watch yourself, asshole!
Hey. It's a thin envelope.
Hey. It's a thin envelope.
Hey. This kid, he's terrific.
Hey. This kid, he's terrific.
Hi everyone, I'm from Admissions and we like to come in and......
Hi everyone, I'm from Admissions and we like to come in and......
Hi everyone.
Hi everyone.
Hi Gloria! Hi Betty! Hi!
Hi Gloria! Hi Betty! Hi!
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi. Come on in. You can help me grind sausage.
Hi. Come on in. You can help me grind sausage.
Hide out in cars?
Hide out in cars?
High grades, but low scores.
High grades, but low scores.
His alumni interview was not so great.
His alumni interview was not so great.
His parents couldn't make it. I'm his teacher.
His parents couldn't make it. I'm his teacher.
Hold on.
Hold on.
Holed up here like some crazy old witch?
Holed up here like some crazy old witch?
Holy shit, that's the kid that doesn't get in?
Holy shit, that's the kid that doesn't get in?
Honey, I'm exhausted.
Honey, I'm exhausted.
Horrible.
Horrible.
Horseshit. Put your heart into it .
Horseshit. Put your heart into it .
How are you, Rene?
How are you, Rene?
How bad was it?
How bad was it?
How can you stand those English Department gatherings?
How can you stand those English Department gatherings?
How is it possible?
How is it possible?
How is it possible?
How is it possible?
How is your mother?
How is your mother?
How many frigging candles are on this cake?
How many frigging candles are on this cake?
How many people call you mom?
How many people call you mom?
How would you feel?
How would you feel?
How's his Spanish?
How's his Spanish?
How's it going so far? Are you learning a lot?
How's it going so far? Are you learning a lot?
I actually do.
I actually do.
I am an admissions officer and you run a school and I live with someone.“...
I am an admissions officer and you run a school and I live with someone.“...
I am an Admissions Officer. I'm just helping you try.
I am an Admissions Officer. I'm just helping you try.
I am not a project.
I am not a project.
I am not some village in need of a water system.
I am not some village in need of a water system.
I am so glad that you are going to Ecuador except for one thing.
I am so glad that you are going to Ecuador except for one thing.
I am.
I am.
I bet you guys feel like bunch of assholes.
I bet you guys feel like bunch of assholes.
I cabbed it. I'm OK.
I cabbed it. I'm OK.
I can fix this. I'll contact adoption services
I can fix this. I'll contact adoption services
I can't believe you're pimping me.
I can't believe you're pimping me.
I can't even say his name.
I can't even say his name.
I can't promise anything...
I can't promise anything...
I can't stand babies. They're repulsive.
I can't stand babies. They're repulsive.
I can't tell what's real.
I can't tell what's real.
I can't tell you.
I can't tell you.
I did.
I did.
I didn't ask the name of the man on the train because...
I didn't ask the name of the man on the train because...
I didn't need to know that.
I didn't need to know that.
I didn't realize until I was very far along...
I didn't realize until I was very far along...
I didn't want anything getting in the way of you getting into Princeton.
I didn't want anything getting in the way of you getting into Princeton.
I don't get it.
I don't get it.
I don't know what you were thinking.
I don't know what you were thinking.
I don't know what you're talking about and you need to leave.
I don't know what you're talking about and you need to leave.
I don't know, it's just, Nelson and I have always traveled.
I don't know, it's just, Nelson and I have always traveled.
I don't know. Five weeks ago or so.
I don't know. Five weeks ago or so.
I don't know. She's weird.
I don't know. She's weird.
I don't mean just stumble walking like an infant or a toddler...
I don't mean just stumble walking like an infant or a toddler...
I don't understand.
I don't understand.
I don't want you to be a genius. I'm not a genius.
I don't want you to be a genius. I'm not a genius.
I feel sorry for the Ecuadorians!
I feel sorry for the Ecuadorians!
I forgot you're in a very fragile stale.
I forgot you're in a very fragile stale.
I got pregnant in college and my boyfriend had already dumped me for someone else.
I got pregnant in college and my boyfriend had already dumped me for someone else.
I got pregnant, and I had a kid.
I got pregnant, and I had a kid.
I guess.
I guess.
I had a car.
I had a car.
I hate geography class. I hate maps.
I hate geography class. I hate maps.
I have a couple of announcements.
I have a couple of announcements.
I have absolutely no power over your fate here.
I have absolutely no power over your fate here.
I have got this under control. Go inside!
I have got this under control. Go inside!
I have spoken to the Judo Association and...
I have spoken to the Judo Association and...
I have to go. I have robotics class.
I have to go. I have robotics class.
I have to go. I'll call you later.
I have to go. I'll call you later.
I have to go. Now.
I have to go. Now.
I have to start over anyway. OK.
I have to start over anyway. OK.
I have your card.
I have your card.
I hope you get rectal cancer
I hope you get rectal cancer
I insisted he take those tests.
I insisted he take those tests.
I just called you a prick. I'm sorry.
I just called you a prick. I'm sorry.
I just drowned it.
I just drowned it.
I just had a mastectomy.
I just had a mastectomy.
I just think he's got a little too much to overcome.
I just think he's got a little too much to overcome.
I just want to say thank you.
I just want to say thank you.
I just wanted to thank you so much! I had the best night of my life.
I just wanted to thank you so much! I had the best night of my life.
I just... I want you to know that this...
I just... I want you to know that this...
I killed my bonsai tree by over trimming it.
I killed my bonsai tree by over trimming it.
I kissed someone! Almost on purpose!
I kissed someone! Almost on purpose!
I knew I needed his sperm but I did not need him.
I knew I needed his sperm but I did not need him.
I knew Shelley. Your roommate at Dartmouth.
I knew Shelley. Your roommate at Dartmouth.
I knew you were taking this all rather hard...
I knew you were taking this all rather hard...
I know he never liked me...
I know he never liked me...
I know sometimes we subconsciously identity with applicants...
I know sometimes we subconsciously identity with applicants...
I know, but why can't we ever just do what I want?
I know, but why can't we ever just do what I want?
I know.
I know.
I know.
I know.
I know.
I know.
I know.
I know.
I know. I'm John.
I know. I'm John.
I learned several years ago that I was adopted.
I learned several years ago that I was adopted.
I like him.
I like him.
I like this life.
I like this life.
I love that question.
I love that question.
I love this. I love this bean salad.
I love this. I love this bean salad.
I love you.
I love you.
I made all that up.
I made all that up.
I met him at a garage sale.
I met him at a garage sale.
I might have underestimated her passion...
I might have underestimated her passion...
I never told anybody because I didn't want my parents to find out.
I never told anybody because I didn't want my parents to find out.
I overwatered it too. The bonsai.
I overwatered it too. The bonsai.
I prefer to use just a medium.
I prefer to use just a medium.
I put my heart into it Football.
I put my heart into it Football.
I put my name in at the adoption agency and they contacted me
I put my name in at the adoption agency and they contacted me
I read biographies...
I read biographies...
I read everything.
I read everything.
I realized my teachers were not going to be able to teach me.
I realized my teachers were not going to be able to teach me.
I regret to inform you that you will have to go to law school.
I regret to inform you that you will have to go to law school.
I remember you loo.
I remember you loo.
I rode crew.
I rode crew.
I saw her lecture on Frida Kahlo in 1977.
I saw her lecture on Frida Kahlo in 1977.
I slept on the sofa.
I slept on the sofa.
I think .
I think .
I think maybe he's your son.
I think maybe he's your son.
I think maybe Jeremiah's your son.
I think maybe Jeremiah's your son.
I think my voracious reading came from a deep longing for something that was missing.
I think my voracious reading came from a deep longing for something that was missing.
I think so.
I think so.
I think soft might be more for baby teeth.
I think soft might be more for baby teeth.
I think this could help us avoid...
I think this could help us avoid...
I think this girl's self knowledge is impressive.
I think this girl's self knowledge is impressive.
I think you got lucky.
I think you got lucky.
I think you're exquisite.
I think you're exquisite.
I think, therefore I am.
I think, therefore I am.
I think, therefore I am.
I think, therefore I am.
I think...
I think...
I thought it would be educational for him to sit in on this.
I thought it would be educational for him to sit in on this.
I thought that would drive me insane but...
I thought that would drive me insane but...
I thought you loved traveling.
I thought you loved traveling.
I used to spend my days passing judgment...
I used to spend my days passing judgment...
I want so much for you to be happy and...
I want so much for you to be happy and...
I want to come live with you!
I want to come live with you!
I want to dedicate this performance to Nelson.
I want to dedicate this performance to Nelson.
I want to say thank you so much for everything that you have done for this boy.
I want to say thank you so much for everything that you have done for this boy.
I wanted a child but not some moody relationship.
I wanted a child but not some moody relationship.
I wanted to give him the kind of life I didn't have as a kid.
I wanted to give him the kind of life I didn't have as a kid.
I wanted to talk to you about one of our applicants.
I wanted to talk to you about one of our applicants.
I wanted to tell you something.
I wanted to tell you something.
I was going for the cheek.
I was going for the cheek.
I was just translated into Finnish.
I was just translated into Finnish.
I was searching for someone.
I was searching for someone.
I was stupid and selfish.
I was stupid and selfish.
I was working there and Nelson's mom was a friend.
I was working there and Nelson's mom was a friend.
I wasn't in the Netherlands. I was living above an auto repair shop.
I wasn't in the Netherlands. I was living above an auto repair shop.
I will always be there for you. Nothing will ever change that.
I will always be there for you. Nothing will ever change that.
I wonder who my birth parents are
I wonder who my birth parents are
I worked in college admissions for sixteen years.
I worked in college admissions for sixteen years.
I would feel...
I would feel...
I would just be grateful to get to know him.
I would just be grateful to get to know him.
I would love to. It would be a pleasure.
I would love to. It would be a pleasure.
I'd have to recuse myself.
I'd have to recuse myself.
I'd like for you to visit our campus.
I'd like for you to visit our campus.
I'd like to see what that's like...
I'd like to see what that's like...
I'll give you ten bucks if you can do it again.
I'll give you ten bucks if you can do it again.
I'll have a breast, please.
I'll have a breast, please.
I'll never really understand your admissions system in America.
I'll never really understand your admissions system in America.
I'll never run away from you.
I'll never run away from you.
I'll stroll with you .
I'll stroll with you .
I'll tell you what I'd like to know.
I'll tell you what I'd like to know.
I'm a little concerned about a revenge fantasy fueling her academics.
I'm a little concerned about a revenge fantasy fueling her academics.
I'm adopted. I was born in Uganda.
I'm adopted. I was born in Uganda.
I'm afraid not.
I'm afraid not.
I'm aggressive too, so I said what the hell, why push my luck?
I'm aggressive too, so I said what the hell, why push my luck?
I'm an idiot.
I'm an idiot.
I'm figuring out what I want to do next.
I'm figuring out what I want to do next.
I'm fine. I'm great.
I'm fine. I'm great.
I'm fine. Thanks.
I'm fine. Thanks.
I'm John.
I'm John.
I'm lucky she didn't name me Athena.
I'm lucky she didn't name me Athena.
I'm Nelson.
I'm Nelson.
I'm not a creep.
I'm not a creep.
I'm not supposed to discuss alumni recommendations.
I'm not supposed to discuss alumni recommendations.
I'm not sure people would believe it on me.
I'm not sure people would believe it on me.
I'm remodeling your old room.
I'm remodeling your old room.
I'm showing them how to build a sustainable irrigation system.
I'm showing them how to build a sustainable irrigation system.
I'm sick of traveling. I love playing Bridge.
I'm sick of traveling. I love playing Bridge.
I'm sorry you feel that way.
I'm sorry you feel that way.
I'm sorry, are you a senior?
I'm sorry, are you a senior?
I'm sorry, but what do you think that you're doing here?
I'm sorry, but what do you think that you're doing here?
I'm sorry, I mean, about everything.
I'm sorry, I mean, about everything.
I'm sorry, our GPS lied.
I'm sorry, our GPS lied.
I'm sorry, Portia.
I'm sorry, Portia.
I'm sorry, so you're just this single dad...
I'm sorry, so you're just this single dad...
I'm sorry, that was inappropriate.
I'm sorry, that was inappropriate.
I'm sorry, that was inappropriate.
I'm sorry, that was inappropriate.
I'm sorry, you had sex with that woman?
I'm sorry, you had sex with that woman?
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm spending an extra four days in the Andover Hotchkiss triangle.
I'm spending an extra four days in the Andover Hotchkiss triangle.
I'm supposed to be chaperoning this dance.
I'm supposed to be chaperoning this dance.
I'm supposed to be chaperoning this dance.
I'm supposed to be chaperoning this dance.
I'm thinking of trading them in for a mid size.
I'm thinking of trading them in for a mid size.
I'm trying!
I'm trying!
I'm very sorry about the timing of this...
I'm very sorry about the timing of this...
I'm working on my bike.
I'm working on my bike.
I'm your mother.
I'm your mother.
I've been hanging around at the Nass all day
I've been hanging around at the Nass all day
I've been living at my mom's place for the last two months.
I've been living at my mom's place for the last two months.
I've been trying to figure out the best time to tell you...
I've been trying to figure out the best time to tell you...
I've been trying to reach you. I left you a million messages.
I've been trying to reach you. I left you a million messages.
I've decided to retire.
I've decided to retire.
I've got everything planned out. I'll be back in time for the department lunch.
I've got everything planned out. I'll be back in time for the department lunch.
I've got something to say, Susannah.
I've got something to say, Susannah.
I've got to get up very early, and then hit a few schools and race back...
I've got to get up very early, and then hit a few schools and race back...
I've tried to put on a brave front about M M
I've tried to put on a brave front about M M
If I had to do what I was supposed to be doing every minute of my life, like you do...
If I had to do what I was supposed to be doing every minute of my life, like you do...
If the child in question is a unique, special child.
If the child in question is a unique, special child.
If this is the right place for you, then this is where you'll end up.
If this is the right place for you, then this is where you'll end up.
If word of this were ever to get out, the damage would be irreparable.
If word of this were ever to get out, the damage would be irreparable.
If you want to take a couple personal days...
If you want to take a couple personal days...
If you're wondering why you are even listening to this...
If you're wondering why you are even listening to this...
Il Forno is one of my favorite restaurants loo.
Il Forno is one of my favorite restaurants loo.
In a month and a half.
In a month and a half.
In fact, he's the most well read person I have met.
In fact, he's the most well read person I have met.
In fact, I was just talking to the co founder of Quest...
In fact, I was just talking to the co founder of Quest...
In fact, there's one extremely unusual applicant...
In fact, there's one extremely unusual applicant...
In fact, why don't I just put this aside for him for when he gets home?
In fact, why don't I just put this aside for him for when he gets home?
In the nation's service and in the service of all nations.
In the nation's service and in the service of all nations.
Instead of spending all that money?
Instead of spending all that money?
Interesting. Unique, I would say.
Interesting. Unique, I would say.
Is he ready for Ecuador?
Is he ready for Ecuador?
Is she coming to my party?
Is she coming to my party?
Is she well? Your mother?
Is she well? Your mother?
Is something wrong with that cow?
Is something wrong with that cow?
Is that Helen? That's weird.
Is that Helen? That's weird.
Is that horrible Woolf woman going to be there?
Is that horrible Woolf woman going to be there?
Is that still possible?
Is that still possible?
Is the final referendum on their parenting skills...
Is the final referendum on their parenting skills...
It is very important that you not tell Jeremiah a thing about...
It is very important that you not tell Jeremiah a thing about...
It kills me.
It kills me.
It really kills me. You'll get through this.
It really kills me. You'll get through this.
It says he's not ready to meet me at this time.
It says he's not ready to meet me at this time.
It says that he was born and given up for adoption on Valentine's Day...
It says that he was born and given up for adoption on Valentine's Day...
It seemed unfair to subject anyone to the miserable experience I had.
It seemed unfair to subject anyone to the miserable experience I had.
It was a pleasure. Your lawn jockeys are just...outstanding.
It was a pleasure. Your lawn jockeys are just...outstanding.
It was all an accident.
It was all an accident.
It was my mom's idea.
It was my mom's idea.
It was quite a coup to get her from Cambridge.
It was quite a coup to get her from Cambridge.
It was that bad?
It was that bad?
It's a copy see?
It's a copy see?
It's a slight fracture.
It's a slight fracture.
It's amazing. Exactly.
It's amazing. Exactly.
It's awesome. It's like, ancient.
It's awesome. It's like, ancient.
It's called spot the Nobel Prize winner.
It's called spot the Nobel Prize winner.
It's faded, you see?
It's faded, you see?
It's getting late.
It's getting late.
It's good to clarify.
It's good to clarify.
It's good.
It's good.
It's gross!
It's gross!
It's how humans behave here on planet earth.
It's how humans behave here on planet earth.
It's just so beans and vinaigrette.
It's just so beans and vinaigrette.
It's nice to see you again.
It's nice to see you again.
It's not healthy to need other people too much.
It's not healthy to need other people too much.
It's not her fault.
It's not her fault.
It's not...Portia, what I mean
It's not...Portia, what I mean
It's OK. It's good.
It's OK. It's good.
It's OK. Mommy's here.
It's OK. Mommy's here.
It's one of the disappointments of my life and I am so sorry.
It's one of the disappointments of my life and I am so sorry.
It's perfect.
It's perfect.
It's perfect.
It's perfect.
It's so hard.
It's so hard.
It's so wonderfully...
It's so wonderfully...
It's the last chance I'm going to have for three weeks.
It's the last chance I'm going to have for three weeks.
It's too risky.
It's too risky.
It's very cool.
It's very cool.
James, tours leave at 9:15. It is 9:25.
James, tours leave at 9:15. It is 9:25.
Janie Schroder. A hairdresser. His mother is a hairdresser.
Janie Schroder. A hairdresser. His mother is a hairdresser.
Jeremiah Balakian.
Jeremiah Balakian.
Jeremiah got the top score on eight Advanced Placement tests...
Jeremiah got the top score on eight Advanced Placement tests...
Jeremiah has to get his application in, pronto.
Jeremiah has to get his application in, pronto.
Jeremiah is also a self described autodidact since the age of eight.
Jeremiah is also a self described autodidact since the age of eight.
Jeremiah is an only child.
Jeremiah is an only child.
Jeremiah is our first applicant from Quest...
Jeremiah is our first applicant from Quest...
Jeremiah was even applying to college.
Jeremiah was even applying to college.
Jeremiah, from Quest. Hi.
Jeremiah, from Quest. Hi.
Jeremiah.
Jeremiah.
Jesse Bolton.
Jesse Bolton.
John Pressman. Quest School.
John Pressman. Quest School.
Just a little levity to enhance the teamwork.
Just a little levity to enhance the teamwork.
Just back from a boring recruitment trip. Uneventful.
Just back from a boring recruitment trip. Uneventful.
Just be yourself.
Just be yourself.
Just catch up with the tour and meet me back at Admissions.
Just catch up with the tour and meet me back at Admissions.
Just diet soda? No...
Just diet soda? No...
Just for a bit.
Just for a bit.
Just friendly acquaintances. Portia Nathan.
Just friendly acquaintances. Portia Nathan.
Just messing with you.
Just messing with you.
Just observing the school so I can better evaluate applicants.
Just observing the school so I can better evaluate applicants.
Just take a nap.
Just take a nap.
Just terrific, thanks.
Just terrific, thanks.
Just...
Just...
Just... get those applications in and...
Just... get those applications in and...
Kids just don't take to some people.
Kids just don't take to some people.
Kind of. Half and half.
Kind of. Half and half.
L...Hi!
L...Hi!
Ladies and gentlemen.
Ladies and gentlemen.
Last spring, he took the SATs and eight AP tests.
Last spring, he took the SATs and eight AP tests.
Left on Pony Run Drive.
Left on Pony Run Drive.
Let me see .
Let me see .
Let me. It lakes a village.
Let me. It lakes a village.
Listen to my tale
Listen to my tale
Listen, I'd love to talk to you about the financial aid package we could offer.
Listen, I'd love to talk to you about the financial aid package we could offer.
Listen, thank you for calling.
Listen, thank you for calling.
Long, long, long term.
Long, long, long term.
Look, he's a great kid...
Look, he's a great kid...
Look, I can't do anything that could get me into trouble.
Look, I can't do anything that could get me into trouble.
Look, I want Jeremiah to go to Princeton because he wants to go to Princeton...
Look, I want Jeremiah to go to Princeton because he wants to go to Princeton...
Look, I wanted to see if you wanted to maybe get a drink or a bite to eat or something?
Look, I wanted to see if you wanted to maybe get a drink or a bite to eat or something?
Look, we're having a school dance here tonight...
Look, we're having a school dance here tonight...
Looked for Bolton, Jesse.
Looked for Bolton, Jesse.
Love, Aleksai
Love, Aleksai
Lovely and wonderful.
Lovely and wonderful.
Lovely and wonderful.
Lovely and wonderful.
Make a U turn as soon as possible.
Make a U turn as soon as possible.
Man, it's really sad t got those tiger town blues and I got them bad
Man, it's really sad t got those tiger town blues and I got them bad
Managed to take five AP classes...
Managed to take five AP classes...
Mark called.
Mark called.
Mark had an emergency. A student was...
Mark had an emergency. A student was...
Mark loves breasts. The more the merrier.
Mark loves breasts. The more the merrier.
Math 760, Critical Reading 710, Writing 740.
Math 760, Critical Reading 710, Writing 740.
Maybe he's in Hoboken.
Maybe he's in Hoboken.
Maybe he's in Paris.
Maybe he's in Paris.
Maybe he's president.
Maybe he's president.
Maybe I got a glass eye, but it some from working in a factory at the age of eleven.
Maybe I got a glass eye, but it some from working in a factory at the age of eleven.
Maybe I should apply then. Princeton seems like a cool place.
Maybe I should apply then. Princeton seems like a cool place.
Maybe we don't have to go, right Grandma?
Maybe we don't have to go, right Grandma?
Maybe you'd like to step outside and see how fragile I am.
Maybe you'd like to step outside and see how fragile I am.
Me?
Me?
Men can be such pigs.
Men can be such pigs.
Might want to tuck that in, son.
Might want to tuck that in, son.
Mom, I have to go.
Mom, I have to go.
Mom, you look...
Mom, you look...
Mom?
Mom?
Mom?
Mom?
Mom. Susannah...
Mom. Susannah...
Morning.
Morning.
MOTHER'S CURRENT LEGAL NAME DOE, JANE
MOTHER'S CURRENT LEGAL NAME DOE, JANE
Mr. and Mrs. Balakian, I'm Portia Nathan.
Mr. and Mrs. Balakian, I'm Portia Nathan.
My boy, if you are truly outstanding you'll probably be kicked out of there after one term.
My boy, if you are truly outstanding you'll probably be kicked out of there after one term.
MY car!
MY car!
My dad passed away a few months ago.
My dad passed away a few months ago.
My life is fine, thank you very much. It's frigging great.
My life is fine, thank you very much. It's frigging great.
My mom lives about ten miles away.
My mom lives about ten miles away.
My mother thought if she named me that I would grow up to be wise.
My mother thought if she named me that I would grow up to be wise.
My parents work in a mini mart.
My parents work in a mini mart.
My pleasure. We love Deerfield students.
My pleasure. We love Deerfield students.
Myself as in, you know, in relation to my soul or...
Myself as in, you know, in relation to my soul or...
Nelson likes me because I'm so boring.
Nelson likes me because I'm so boring.
Nelson loves traveling. He loves it.
Nelson loves traveling. He loves it.
Nelson really likes you.
Nelson really likes you.
Nelson wanted to stay put and...
Nelson wanted to stay put and...
Nelson, take a corner kick.
Nelson, take a corner kick.
Nelson, take a corner kick.
Nelson, take a corner kick.
Nelson, you know how much I love this statue, right?
Nelson, you know how much I love this statue, right?
Nelson's idea.
Nelson's idea.
Never start a folder if you can't finish it.
Never start a folder if you can't finish it.
New Hampshire Certificate of Live Birth
New Hampshire Certificate of Live Birth
Next victim!
Next victim!
Next victim!
Next victim!
NO ADMITTANCE
NO ADMITTANCE
No AP classes. No SAT prep courses.
No AP classes. No SAT prep courses.
No Bolton, Jesse.
No Bolton, Jesse.
No champagne, no baked goods,
No champagne, no baked goods,
No changes can be made.
No changes can be made.
No different than an oil company.
No different than an oil company.
No Gertrude Stein.
No Gertrude Stein.
No I live with someone.
No I live with someone.
No idea.
No idea.
No means no, asshole.
No means no, asshole.
No ninth message. Please call me back.
No ninth message. Please call me back.
No no no.
No no no.
No really.
No really.
No seriously, I'm so happy too.
No seriously, I'm so happy too.
No Service
No Service
No worries, Mrs...
No worries, Mrs...
No, goodbye. Thank you. This was so much better than kale.
No, goodbye. Thank you. This was so much better than kale.
No, I had a mastectomy.
No, I had a mastectomy.
No, I was born at 11pm.
No, I was born at 11pm.
No, I'm in sixth grade.
No, I'm in sixth grade.
No, I'm kind of afraid of heights, so...
No, I'm kind of afraid of heights, so...
No, it's not that.
No, it's not that.
No, Jeremiah...
No, Jeremiah...
No, my birth mother is named Janie Schroder and...
No, my birth mother is named Janie Schroder and...
No, no, we're all friendlies.
No, no, we're all friendlies.
No, no.
No, no.
No, please, not the train story.
No, please, not the train story.
No, that was my father.
No, that was my father.
No, that's right.
No, that's right.
No, there isn't an appeals process.
No, there isn't an appeals process.
No, this. Us.
No, this. Us.
No, you have to slay. We have guests.
No, you have to slay. We have guests.
No, you know, my mom has a dove room.
No, you know, my mom has a dove room.
No, you rock.
No, you rock.
No!
No!
No.
No.
No. I completely believe in you.
No. I completely believe in you.
No. We are friends.
No. We are friends.
None of this was true. This is all a stupid dream.
None of this was true. This is all a stupid dream.
Not because he wants to put away his mother's killer.
Not because he wants to put away his mother's killer.
Not philosophy, women's studies.
Not philosophy, women's studies.
Not to mention Pinter, Janet.
Not to mention Pinter, Janet.
Not with my dad.
Not with my dad.
Nothing happened the other night.
Nothing happened the other night.
Nothing is meant to be.
Nothing is meant to be.
Nothing.
Nothing.
Now Ben, as you know, we have room for very few of these iffy students.
Now Ben, as you know, we have room for very few of these iffy students.
Now outsies. I'm swamped.
Now outsies. I'm swamped.
Now these Princeton boys, they're a bad bunch of boys
Now these Princeton boys, they're a bad bunch of boys
Now.
Now.
Number one until today.
Number one until today.
Obviously not that. But I'll never know.
Obviously not that. But I'll never know.
Of course not. It's your application.
Of course not. It's your application.
Of course, perhaps we could make some sort of arrangement...
Of course, perhaps we could make some sort of arrangement...
Of course, what the hell do I know, really?
Of course, what the hell do I know, really?
Of course.
Of course.
Of course.
Of course.
Of course. What am I thinking?
Of course. What am I thinking?
Oh baby.
Oh baby.
Oh god, I hate these lunches too.
Oh god, I hate these lunches too.
Oh god, the water just turned to ice!
Oh god, the water just turned to ice!
Oh god.
Oh god.
Oh god.
Oh god.
Oh good.
Oh good.
Oh hi, glad you're here.
Oh hi, glad you're here.
Oh John, that's so sweet.
Oh John, that's so sweet.
Oh Lord, I got those Tigenown blues
Oh Lord, I got those Tigenown blues
Oh Lord, I've got those tiger town blues
Oh Lord, I've got those tiger town blues
Oh no, I can't do that, actually. I can't accept gifts.
Oh no, I can't do that, actually. I can't accept gifts.
Oh no.
Oh no.
Oh, hello Helen. So glad you could make it after all .
Oh, hello Helen. So glad you could make it after all .
OK then.
OK then.
Ok then.
Ok then.
OK, I'm your tour guide.
OK, I'm your tour guide.
OK, maybe from our perspective he could have done more...
OK, maybe from our perspective he could have done more...
OK, OK, I heard you.
OK, OK, I heard you.
OK, well, nice catching up...
OK, well, nice catching up...
OK, yes. I'm with you on that.
OK, yes. I'm with you on that.
OK.
OK.
OK.
OK.
OK.
OK.
OK.
OK.
OK.
OK.
OK.
OK.
OK. I'm sorry.
OK. I'm sorry.
OK. Let's see.
OK. Let's see.
OK. Well then...
OK. Well then...
OK. Well, Mr. Pressman was just leaving.
OK. Well, Mr. Pressman was just leaving.
OK. Well. Good luck with that.
OK. Well. Good luck with that.
OK. Yes. That's possible.
OK. Yes. That's possible.
OK. You got the idea. Let's keep moving!
OK. You got the idea. Let's keep moving!
OK...
OK...
On me? No. No. Why? You do need a toothbrush?
On me? No. No. Why? You do need a toothbrush?
On U.S. News and World Report?
On U.S. News and World Report?
One day I saw her tumble over her shoelaces.
One day I saw her tumble over her shoelaces.
One more person.
One more person.
One more what?
One more what?
Open it.
Open it.
Or did you remember to bring your toothbrush?
Or did you remember to bring your toothbrush?
Or if your name was Aushenaya or lflok or Saraswati.
Or if your name was Aushenaya or lflok or Saraswati.
Or Metis. That would be really strange.
Or Metis. That would be really strange.
Or Minerva. Or Sophie.
Or Minerva. Or Sophie.
Or so I have gathered...
Or so I have gathered...
Or something stronger perhaps?
Or something stronger perhaps?
Or what's left of it.
Or what's left of it.
Organically fed, well tutored offspring.
Organically fed, well tutored offspring.
Our kids would gain a lot from it and I think you would too.
Our kids would gain a lot from it and I think you would too.
Parents both work at a Stop N Go.
Parents both work at a Stop N Go.
Passion.
Passion.
Password
Password
Pen)'
Pen)'
People are all pigs.
People are all pigs.
People, everyone, please.
People, everyone, please.
Performing the act that won him honorable mention...
Performing the act that won him honorable mention...
Philosophy, love.
Philosophy, love.
Play like that, those Ecuadorian kids are going to eat you up.
Play like that, those Ecuadorian kids are going to eat you up.
Played Rolfe in the school production of The Sound of Music.
Played Rolfe in the school production of The Sound of Music.
Please communicate with my associate Ben in the future.
Please communicate with my associate Ben in the future.
Please don't scare me like that again.
Please don't scare me like that again.
Please! Fast!
Please! Fast!
Polokov was looking at Jeremiah like he had two heads.
Polokov was looking at Jeremiah like he had two heads.
Portia Nathan, Princeton Admissions office.
Portia Nathan, Princeton Admissions office.
Portia Nathan?
Portia Nathan?
Portia Nathan.
Portia Nathan.
Portia Nathan.
Portia Nathan.
Portia the Wise! Nelson told me you were here.
Portia the Wise! Nelson told me you were here.
Portia was president of her high school class.
Portia was president of her high school class.
Portia, dear.
Portia, dear.
Portia, don't leave! Don't leave!
Portia, don't leave! Don't leave!
Portia, don't' exaggerate.
Portia, don't' exaggerate.
Portia, I'm having twins.
Portia, I'm having twins.
Portia, look, I asked you here for a reason.
Portia, look, I asked you here for a reason.
Portia, no.
Portia, no.
Portia, please begin.
Portia, please begin.
Portia, please. Sit down.
Portia, please. Sit down.
Portia, there's something I want to ask you...
Portia, there's something I want to ask you...
Portia, wait! Wait, it's just...
Portia, wait! Wait, it's just...
Portia, we need to talk.
Portia, we need to talk.
Portia, you were second reader. I see you put Maybe
Portia, you were second reader. I see you put Maybe
Portia?
Portia?
Portia?
Portia?
Portia?
Portia?
Portia?
Portia?
Portia? Portia? Portia...
Portia? Portia? Portia...
President of ten clubs, but that might be because of his ADD.
President of ten clubs, but that might be because of his ADD.
Princeton has just fallen to number two.
Princeton has just fallen to number two.
Princeton wants to buy me a chicken sandwich.
Princeton wants to buy me a chicken sandwich.
Princeton would be damn lucky to have Jeremiah.
Princeton would be damn lucky to have Jeremiah.
Princeton.
Princeton.
Put some heart into it!
Put some heart into it!
Put your hands together!
Put your hands together!
Put your hands together...
Put your hands together...
Quiet!
Quiet!
Quit half assing it!
Quit half assing it!
Really?
Really?
Recalcu Eating. Recalculating. Recalculating .
Recalcu Eating. Recalculating. Recalculating .
Remember when you said I could spend the night with an undergrad?
Remember when you said I could spend the night with an undergrad?
Richard Guinness. Rye Country Day School.
Richard Guinness. Rye Country Day School.
Right, I will look into it. Gotta go.
Right, I will look into it. Gotta go.
Right? Exactly.
Right? Exactly.
Right.
Right.
Right.
Right.
Right. Go back to sleep.
Right. Go back to sleep.
Right. It was nothing.
Right. It was nothing.
Right. Of course.
Right. Of course.
Right. Sorry. Yeah. E mail.
Right. Sorry. Yeah. E mail.
Run away!
Run away!
SATs?
SATs?
Screw you, mom. I do so have my life under control!
Screw you, mom. I do so have my life under control!
Seemed like the only thing to do.
Seemed like the only thing to do.
Send me his transcripts.
Send me his transcripts.
Senora Garcia says you have an aptitude for languages
Senora Garcia says you have an aptitude for languages
Sex with a stranger on the New Jersey Transit was the answer to my problems.
Sex with a stranger on the New Jersey Transit was the answer to my problems.
She actually walked.
She actually walked.
She borrowed it to pick you up after you had the baby.
She borrowed it to pick you up after you had the baby.
She led a school wide walk out.
She led a school wide walk out.
She resigned in protest over funding for the girls' sports program.
She resigned in protest over funding for the girls' sports program.
She said she's fine.
She said she's fine.
She sat down, carefully, and tied her shoelaces in a double knot...
She sat down, carefully, and tied her shoelaces in a double knot...
She was extremely hot.
She was extremely hot.
She's a hairdresser from Keene.
She's a hairdresser from Keene.
She's an excellent candidate.
She's an excellent candidate.
She's been in the same job for sixteen years!
She's been in the same job for sixteen years!
She's captain of the cross country team, sports editor of the school paper.
She's captain of the cross country team, sports editor of the school paper.
She's clamping again! Jeremiah, get back here!
She's clamping again! Jeremiah, get back here!
She's fine.
She's fine.
She's from Princeton.
She's from Princeton.
Shelley told me you had the baby at 1pm on Valentine's Day.
Shelley told me you had the baby at 1pm on Valentine's Day.
Shit! This isn't right.
Shit! This isn't right.
Show of hands for acceptance.
Show of hands for acceptance.
Shows originality, intellectual passion, everything the books talk about.
Shows originality, intellectual passion, everything the books talk about.
Since 1841, every male in my family has attended the place.
Since 1841, every male in my family has attended the place.
So did your mother.
So did your mother.
So don't let it get in the way of this.
So don't let it get in the way of this.
So everything you did was because you thought I was your son?
So everything you did was because you thought I was your son?
So how long have you been at Princeton?
So how long have you been at Princeton?
So I asked for the admit list.
So I asked for the admit list.
So I became an autodidact.
So I became an autodidact.
So I hear.
So I hear.
So I wonder, would you consider conducting some supplementary admissions interviews?
So I wonder, would you consider conducting some supplementary admissions interviews?
So Jeremiah, are you warm enough?
So Jeremiah, are you warm enough?
So look, if you accepted him...
So look, if you accepted him...
So put the reins on those eager parents of yours.
So put the reins on those eager parents of yours.
So this decision, right now...
So this decision, right now...
So this is your parents' place?
So this is your parents' place?
So we're breaking records in application numbers, naturally...
So we're breaking records in application numbers, naturally...
So what was his GPA? I mean, before Quest?
So what was his GPA? I mean, before Quest?
So what you're saying is that an unusual candidate's strengths...
So what you're saying is that an unusual candidate's strengths...
So what's the secret to getting in?
So what's the secret to getting in?
So who likes legs? Well, Mark likes legs.
So who likes legs? Well, Mark likes legs.
So you adopted him.
So you adopted him.
So you're chopping some wood here?
So you're chopping some wood here?
So you're saying I should apply?
So you're saying I should apply?
So, can you tell me where I can find your dad?
So, can you tell me where I can find your dad?
So, have you found the finest young minds in the nation for us?
So, have you found the finest young minds in the nation for us?
So, I think this is all a very good thing.
So, I think this is all a very good thing.
So, Jeremiah, tell me about yourself .
So, Jeremiah, tell me about yourself .
So, Jeremiah, why don't you come into my torture chamber...
So, Jeremiah, why don't you come into my torture chamber...
So, tell me about yourself .
So, tell me about yourself .
So, what is this?
So, what is this?
So, who likes breasts?
So, who likes breasts?
So, you all want to know the secret formula for getting in, right?
So, you all want to know the secret formula for getting in, right?
So?
So?
So... Uganda.
So... Uganda.
Soft bristles, right?
Soft bristles, right?
Sometimes you make sacrifices for the person you've been living with for ten years.
Sometimes you make sacrifices for the person you've been living with for ten years.
Sorry, he's right.
Sorry, he's right.
Sorry, I probably should have warned you.
Sorry, I probably should have warned you.
Sorry, I probably should have warned you.
Sorry, I probably should have warned you.
Sorry, I thought I'd wait. We had a late arrival.
Sorry, I thought I'd wait. We had a late arrival.
Sorry, it was there, you know? You just...
Sorry, it was there, you know? You just...
Sorry.
Sorry.
Speaking of rejection,
Speaking of rejection,
Speaks semi fluent Mandarin.
Speaks semi fluent Mandarin.
State champion in the one hundred and thirty eight pound wrestling class.
State champion in the one hundred and thirty eight pound wrestling class.
Still, I think you should get to know this one.
Still, I think you should get to know this one.
Student Body President.
Student Body President.
Students with blazing minds and hearts who will change the goddamn world!
Students with blazing minds and hearts who will change the goddamn world!
Suspensions, detentions, a Special Ed class?
Suspensions, detentions, a Special Ed class?
Sweetie.
Sweetie.
Switch.
Switch.
Take a deep breath.
Take a deep breath.
Take out your pens. Write this down.
Take out your pens. Write this down.
Take the leap!
Take the leap!
Take them all.
Take them all.
Take them both.
Take them both.
Take them out.
Take them out.
Tell him that!
Tell him that!
Tenisha Jones.
Tenisha Jones.
Terrible.
Terrible.
Thank god I'm not in one of those.
Thank god I'm not in one of those.
Thank goodness.
Thank goodness.
Thank you for your call, but all decisions are absolutely final.
Thank you for your call, but all decisions are absolutely final.
Thank you for your call, but all decisions are absolutely final.
Thank you for your call, but all decisions are absolutely final.
Thank you for your thoughts, Corrine.
Thank you for your thoughts, Corrine.
Thank you so much for coming.
Thank you so much for coming.
Thank you so much.
Thank you so much.
Thank you so much.
Thank you so much.
Thank you so much.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you. Goodbye.
Thank you. Goodbye.
Thanks.
Thanks.
That doesn't mean anything.
That doesn't mean anything.
That guy sounded like a jerk.
That guy sounded like a jerk.
That I was not ready to be a father, but...
That I was not ready to be a father, but...
That I was supposed to be the son that my parents tried so hard to have on their own.
That I was supposed to be the son that my parents tried so hard to have on their own.
That is a fossil from the Jurassic era.
That is a fossil from the Jurassic era.
That looks pretty cool.
That looks pretty cool.
That one's pregnant.
That one's pregnant.
That sounds great.
That sounds great.
That stuck with me. I hate Valentine's Day .
That stuck with me. I hate Valentine's Day .
That we like saying no. This is not true.
That we like saying no. This is not true.
That's a good policy.
That's a good policy.
That's an eleven with one of the ones missing.
That's an eleven with one of the ones missing.
That's good. I'm going to make a tea kettle.
That's good. I'm going to make a tea kettle.
That's great. Then you have my card
That's great. Then you have my card
That's not as odd as it seems.
That's not as odd as it seems.
That's not very nice.
That's not very nice.
That's so funny.
That's so funny.
That's terrible.
That's terrible.
That's the chicken.
That's the chicken.
That's the way it works.
That's the way it works.
That's twenty eight denies in a row.
That's twenty eight denies in a row.
That's what a healthy relationship is.
That's what a healthy relationship is.
That's what it's about, isn't it?
That's what it's about, isn't it?
That's what kids teenagers your age...
That's what kids teenagers your age...
The Admissions officers.
The Admissions officers.
The best day of your life? Well that's...
The best day of your life? Well that's...
The director of his new school says...
The director of his new school says...
The famous bean salad.
The famous bean salad.
The first three years of his high school life were...
The first three years of his high school life were...
The guidance counselor called me. We never had a shot at him.
The guidance counselor called me. We never had a shot at him.
The murderer got off on a technicality.
The murderer got off on a technicality.
The New Quest School
The New Quest School
The people with the power are right in there.
The people with the power are right in there.
The sad lady? That's not really how I think of myself.
The sad lady? That's not really how I think of myself.
The secret.
The secret.
The societally approved definition of success?
The societally approved definition of success?
The thing that we were talking about. Not a word.
The thing that we were talking about. Not a word.
The ventriloquism...
The ventriloquism...
The whole system would be questioned.
The whole system would be questioned.
Then consciousness is not literally identical to brain activity.
Then consciousness is not literally identical to brain activity.
Then I think there was an evaluation card that was placed on the wrong file.
Then I think there was an evaluation card that was placed on the wrong file.
Then we both got lucky.
Then we both got lucky.
Then you could hang out and get to know each other.
Then you could hang out and get to know each other.
There has to be one, right?
There has to be one, right?
There is an announcement.
There is an announcement.
There is nothing I want more in life than to go to Princeton.
There is nothing I want more in life than to go to Princeton.
There she is.
There she is.
There you are. Clarence wants to see you.
There you are. Clarence wants to see you.
There's no need to make a scene. I'm sorry.
There's no need to make a scene. I'm sorry.
There's no one best way to do it.
There's no one best way to do it.
There's no point in trying to impress me.
There's no point in trying to impress me.
There's nothing improper going on here.
There's nothing improper going on here.
There's nothing wrong with staying in the same place for a while.
There's nothing wrong with staying in the same place for a while.
There's something great I want to show you.
There's something great I want to show you.
These are prosthetic.
These are prosthetic.
These? Fake.
These? Fake.
They admire her, but they don't love her.
They admire her, but they don't love her.
They found a lump. It was aggressive.
They found a lump. It was aggressive.
They grow up so damn fast, don't they?
They grow up so damn fast, don't they?
They hooked it out because they didn't have a shield on the works...
They hooked it out because they didn't have a shield on the works...
They're carnivores. They're meant to be hunters.
They're carnivores. They're meant to be hunters.
They're like pit bulls. They can smell fear.
They're like pit bulls. They can smell fear.
They're not skinny, they're lean.
They're not skinny, they're lean.
They've been running around when they ought to be in
They've been running around when they ought to be in
Think how lucky you are not to be on a beef ranch right now.
Think how lucky you are not to be on a beef ranch right now.
This cow doesn't know you.
This cow doesn't know you.
This is all in your head and I just jumped in like a complete idiot.
This is all in your head and I just jumped in like a complete idiot.
This is bad form.
This is bad form.
This is Jeremiah Balakian.
This is Jeremiah Balakian.
This is my life. It's what I'm good at.
This is my life. It's what I'm good at.
This is my other friend...
This is my other friend...
This is my third world development class.
This is my third world development class.
This is the best day of my life!
This is the best day of my life!
This is your mother?
This is your mother?
This is, without a doubt, the worst transcript I have ever seen.
This is, without a doubt, the worst transcript I have ever seen.
This isn't a child, it's an applicant.
This isn't a child, it's an applicant.
This isn't how it looks on the internet!
This isn't how it looks on the internet!
This kid from Alaska, Aput Kunayak.
This kid from Alaska, Aput Kunayak.
This parenthood thing...
This parenthood thing...
This whole time you thought you were my mother?
This whole time you thought you were my mother?
Those are doves.
Those are doves.
Those kids are so burnt out already all they want to do is get stoned...
Those kids are so burnt out already all they want to do is get stoned...
Those Tigenown blues
Those Tigenown blues
Those Tigenown blues
Those Tigenown blues
Though she would prefer the death penalty.
Though she would prefer the death penalty.
Thought Yd spend the night if it's a“ right with you.
Thought Yd spend the night if it's a“ right with you.
To endure the frustration and anger of all the so called millennial parents,
To endure the frustration and anger of all the so called millennial parents,
To impress someone?
To impress someone?
To me.
To me.
Turns out we had a chance to come down here today, visit the campus.
Turns out we had a chance to come down here today, visit the campus.
Twenty two twenty combined SAT. 4.2 GPA
Twenty two twenty combined SAT. 4.2 GPA
Twins, I'm having twins.
Twins, I'm having twins.
Two hundred and forty one applications last year.
Two hundred and forty one applications last year.
Two roads diverging in a wood and which to lake.
Two roads diverging in a wood and which to lake.
Two, three, four!
Two, three, four!
UNLIKELY
UNLIKELY
Valentine's Day.
Valentine's Day.
Vladimir Polokov.
Vladimir Polokov.
Vote.
Vote.
Wail, so he took AP classes?
Wail, so he took AP classes?
Wail, wait.
Wail, wait.
Wait, Portia! Portia!
Wait, Portia! Portia!
Wait. How's Nelson?
Wait. How's Nelson?
Wallace Thompson. Twenty one hundred combined SAT...
Wallace Thompson. Twenty one hundred combined SAT...
Watch where you're waving that thing.
Watch where you're waving that thing.
We accepted Jesse Bolton.
We accepted Jesse Bolton.
We are in this job for one reason.
We are in this job for one reason.
We are looking for those people!
We are looking for those people!
We built a water purification system in Myanmar.
We built a water purification system in Myanmar.
We had twenty six thousand,
We had twenty six thousand,
We have to make room for kids like these.
We have to make room for kids like these.
We have to make room for these kids.
We have to make room for these kids.
We sent Mr. Balakian an offer of admission, which he accepted.
We sent Mr. Balakian an offer of admission, which he accepted.
We should be educating ourselves to be citizens of the world...
We should be educating ourselves to be citizens of the world...
We want to accept people who will succeed here.
We want to accept people who will succeed here.
We went and had coffee and talked for five hours.
We went and had coffee and talked for five hours.
We wouldn't want that to happen.
We wouldn't want that to happen.
We're going to make that happen.
We're going to make that happen.
We're going to play a fun game.
We're going to play a fun game.
We're here with you. You can do this.
We're here with you. You can do this.
We're in the middle of a vole.
We're in the middle of a vole.
We're looking for passion.
We're looking for passion.
We're so...
We're so...
We've lived in Indonesia.
We've lived in Indonesia.
Weird I liked it.
Weird I liked it.
Welcome to Princeton.
Welcome to Princeton.
Welcome, welcome, welcome!
Welcome, welcome, welcome!
Well actually, I think it's number two this year, right?
Well actually, I think it's number two this year, right?
Well I don't see how we can rescind it...
Well I don't see how we can rescind it...
Well I'm going to remain in the shower stall for approximately thirty seconds.
Well I'm going to remain in the shower stall for approximately thirty seconds.
Well let's vote then.
Well let's vote then.
Well thank you for bringing him back.
Well thank you for bringing him back.
Well that's fine loo.
Well that's fine loo.
Well that's his problem, isn't it!
Well that's his problem, isn't it!
Well you're not very good at returning e mails.
Well you're not very good at returning e mails.
Well, actually, I reject that stereotype
Well, actually, I reject that stereotype
Well, all right. Good to see you.
Well, all right. Good to see you.
Well, be sure to include all of that in your recommendation.
Well, be sure to include all of that in your recommendation.
Well, he is like no other applicant we have ever considered.
Well, he is like no other applicant we have ever considered.
Well, I don't really hang out with the applicants.
Well, I don't really hang out with the applicants.
Well, I won't tell anyone.
Well, I won't tell anyone.
Well, I'm going to find my own way out.
Well, I'm going to find my own way out.
Well, let's vote.
Well, let's vote.
Well, nice axe.
Well, nice axe.
Well, take out your pens.
Well, take out your pens.
Well, thanks for this.
Well, thanks for this.
Well, that's not the point.
Well, that's not the point.
Well, there is.
Well, there is.
Well, we're simple folk.
Well, we're simple folk.
Well, you're welcome.
Well, you're welcome.
What a surprise.
What a surprise.
What about yours?
What about yours?
What am I doing wrong?
What am I doing wrong?
What am I doing wrong?
What am I doing wrong?
What are you doing here?
What are you doing here?
What are you doing here?
What are you doing here?
What are you doing to that cow?
What are you doing to that cow?
What are you going to do?
What are you going to do?
What could be more dull?
What could be more dull?
What happened the other night.
What happened the other night.
What happened? Are you OK?
What happened? Are you OK?
What I can tell you is everyone thinks we're sadists.
What I can tell you is everyone thinks we're sadists.
What I say in this house goes!
What I say in this house goes!
What if I don't have an aptitude for languages?
What if I don't have an aptitude for languages?
What if I don't?
What if I don't?
What if I'm not a genius like Jeremiah?
What if I'm not a genius like Jeremiah?
What makes you think I'm so boring?
What makes you think I'm so boring?
What the hell was that?
What the hell was that?
What the hell were you thinking?
What the hell were you thinking?
What the hell! Mom, put the gun down!
What the hell! Mom, put the gun down!
What was that?
What was that?
What was that? Do it again.
What was that? Do it again.
What we want is to leave the planet better than we found it.
What we want is to leave the planet better than we found it.
What you will do is submit your resignation...
What you will do is submit your resignation...
What?
What?
What?
What?
What? No, I read the birth certificate.
What? No, I read the birth certificate.
What? No.
What? No.
What's the secret to getting in?
What's the secret to getting in?
What's the secret to getting in'?
What's the secret to getting in'?
Whatever it's for, doesn't matter.
Whatever it's for, doesn't matter.
Whatever. I have class.
Whatever. I have class.
When I was eight years old...
When I was eight years old...
When Jeremiah applied to Quest, I saw this and put it together.
When Jeremiah applied to Quest, I saw this and put it together.
When Johnny got admitted to Harvard Law...
When Johnny got admitted to Harvard Law...
When you were nine months old, you could walk.
When you were nine months old, you could walk.
When? When did you have a mastectomy?
When? When did you have a mastectomy?
Where are your glasses?
Where are your glasses?
Where do you stay while you're here?
Where do you stay while you're here?
Where is the bull that did this to you?
Where is the bull that did this to you?
Where's the goddamn vet!
Where's the goddamn vet!
Who isn't?
Who isn't?
Who just realized...
Who just realized...
Who keeps track?
Who keeps track?
Who likes assholes? I guess that's me.
Who likes assholes? I guess that's me.
Who?
Who?
Whoa, you're so skinny.
Whoa, you're so skinny.
Whoops, sorry. Yeah, it's solar powered.
Whoops, sorry. Yeah, it's solar powered.
Why didn't you ask his name?
Why didn't you ask his name?
Why didn't you tell me you were coming?
Why didn't you tell me you were coming?
Why didn't you tell me?
Why didn't you tell me?
Why didn't you tell me?
Why didn't you tell me?
Why do you have Do Not Disturb signs with you?
Why do you have Do Not Disturb signs with you?
Why do you like her so much?
Why do you like her so much?
Why don't you go get yourself a cup of coffee.
Why don't you go get yourself a cup of coffee.
Why in god's name would you want to live with me?
Why in god's name would you want to live with me?
Why not?
Why not?
Why not.
Why not.
Why should I apply to an elitist institution...
Why should I apply to an elitist institution...
Why would I want to speak with a high school student?
Why would I want to speak with a high school student?
Why would I?
Why would I?
Why would you?
Why would you?
Why, were you raised by wolves?
Why, were you raised by wolves?
Why? You do it all the time?
Why? You do it all the time?
Will do. All right, see you.
Will do. All right, see you.
Will you eradicate disease? You're going to need a medical degree.
Will you eradicate disease? You're going to need a medical degree.
With a megaphone.
With a megaphone.
With my vast experience reading personal essays.
With my vast experience reading personal essays.
Without the whole thing blowing up in our faces.
Without the whole thing blowing up in our faces.
Wolf. Singular.
Wolf. Singular.
Woof!
Woof!
Work on his resume.
Work on his resume.
World's Greatest Mom
World's Greatest Mom
Would you mind, terribly, taking it out? Goodbye.
Would you mind, terribly, taking it out? Goodbye.
Wow, happy is one of those words that if you say it...
Wow, happy is one of those words that if you say it...
Wow, I didn't think I'd get you. It's John Pressman...
Wow, I didn't think I'd get you. It's John Pressman...
Wow. That is a new one.
Wow. That is a new one.
Wow. You totally rock.
Wow. You totally rock.
Writes for the Boston Globe is this coming back?
Writes for the Boston Globe is this coming back?
Yeah, and it's a travesty, Nelson.
Yeah, and it's a travesty, Nelson.
Yeah, and my dad, and his dad, and his dad.
Yeah, and my dad, and his dad, and his dad.
Yeah, aren't they fun?
Yeah, aren't they fun?
Yeah, great. Thanks.
Yeah, great. Thanks.
Yeah, I don't think I need that...
Yeah, I don't think I need that...
Yeah, I sent you a few e mails and left a couple messages.
Yeah, I sent you a few e mails and left a couple messages.
Yeah, I'm great.
Yeah, I'm great.
Yeah, those are pretty weird.
Yeah, those are pretty weird.
Yeah, well, my mom's now.
Yeah, well, my mom's now.
Yeah, wouldn't you be better off sitting in your room reading books...
Yeah, wouldn't you be better off sitting in your room reading books...
Yeah, you look like a teacher.
Yeah, you look like a teacher.
Yeah! That's OK.
Yeah! That's OK.
Yeah?
Yeah?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah. Great.
Yeah. Great.
Yeah. He's leaving.
Yeah. He's leaving.
Yeah. Which one is yours?
Yeah. Which one is yours?
Yes he can. You should try it sometime.
Yes he can. You should try it sometime.
Yes, and you said you went to Dartmouth?
Yes, and you said you went to Dartmouth?
Yes, but
Yes, but
Yes, but I wanted you to know that Jesse Bolton is going to Yale.
Yes, but I wanted you to know that Jesse Bolton is going to Yale.
Yes, but you didn't challenge yourself academically.
Yes, but you didn't challenge yourself academically.
Yes, I know he is a legacy...
Yes, I know he is a legacy...
Yes, I know. As are you on mine.
Yes, I know. As are you on mine.
Yes, thank you. I've been expecting that.
Yes, thank you. I've been expecting that.
Yes, you see the rumors are true.
Yes, you see the rumors are true.
Yes?
Yes?
Yes?
Yes?
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes. I meant it.
Yes. I meant it.
Yes. I'm going to investigate that. That's impossible.
Yes. I'm going to investigate that. That's impossible.
Yes. Yes it is.
Yes. Yes it is.
You all want to know the secret formula for getting in, right?
You all want to know the secret formula for getting in, right?
You and I have so much in common.
You and I have so much in common.
You are just as beautiful today as you were thirty years ago.
You are just as beautiful today as you were thirty years ago.
You are not alone. You are not alone, OK mama?
You are not alone. You are not alone, OK mama?
You are out of your mind.
You are out of your mind.
You are so right.
You are so right.
You can borrow it some day if you like.
You can borrow it some day if you like.
You can do this.
You can do this.
You can hit a curveball.
You can hit a curveball.
You can't take it so personally.
You can't take it so personally.
You could have been a trailblazer!
You could have been a trailblazer!
You could have been somebody, goddamn it!
You could have been somebody, goddamn it!
You didn't mean to put High Consider, did you?
You didn't mean to put High Consider, did you?
You don't deserve this, you don't.
You don't deserve this, you don't.
You don't happen to actually have an extra toothbrush on you, do you?
You don't happen to actually have an extra toothbrush on you, do you?
You don't have shit under control. You never have.
You don't have shit under control. You never have.
You don't need any commitments right now.
You don't need any commitments right now.
You had unprotected sex with that vile Virginia Woolf scholar?
You had unprotected sex with that vile Virginia Woolf scholar?
You hate maps? Why?
You hate maps? Why?
You have exposed this office...
You have exposed this office...
You have no idea how happy that makes me feel.
You have no idea how happy that makes me feel.
You have to toughen up or you won't last here either.
You have to toughen up or you won't last here either.
You having fun?
You having fun?
You having fun?
You having fun?
You just are.
You just are.
You just patted me on the head like a dog.
You just patted me on the head like a dog.
You just pick what you need.
You just pick what you need.
You know how when you're swinging on a rope swing across a stream...
You know how when you're swinging on a rope swing across a stream...
You know what? I'm just going to get into my car, very slowly...
You know what? I'm just going to get into my car, very slowly...
You know what? It's better if you see it for yourself.
You know what? It's better if you see it for yourself.
You know, he plays Bridge. He listens to Lite FM.
You know, he plays Bridge. He listens to Lite FM.
You know, I'd really like to introduce you to somebody.
You know, I'd really like to introduce you to somebody.
You know, I'm thinking you should...
You know, I'm thinking you should...
You know, it's highly unusual...
You know, it's highly unusual...
You know, we don't really care about your childhood...
You know, we don't really care about your childhood...
You may have built schools in third world countries...
You may have built schools in third world countries...
You rode a horse three days through Outer Mongolia in the pouring rain...
You rode a horse three days through Outer Mongolia in the pouring rain...
You seem... passionate about him.
You seem... passionate about him.
You were fearless. You were born an Amazon.
You were fearless. You were born an Amazon.
You were lying to me the whole time.
You were lying to me the whole time.
You'd end up with a mouthful of cavities.
You'd end up with a mouthful of cavities.
You're asking me?
You're asking me?
You're doing a great job.
You're doing a great job.
You're loyal and a good companion...
You're loyal and a good companion...
You're not boring.
You're not boring.
You're not packing heat by any chance, are you?
You're not packing heat by any chance, are you?
You're on the waitlist.
You're on the waitlist.
You're our angel on earth
You're our angel on earth
You're second reader on my territory this season.
You're second reader on my territory this season.
You're talking like a crazy person.
You're talking like a crazy person.
You're welcome to stay...
You're welcome to stay...
You're wonderful people.
You're wonderful people.
Your breasts are sliding off.
Your breasts are sliding off.
Your meetings last three weeks?
Your meetings last three weeks?
Your mother. Mom.
Your mother. Mom.
Yulia Karasov.
Yulia Karasov.
Yup, don't listen to me.
Yup, don't listen to me.
660, 710, 600 .
660, 710, 600 .
1995, 1pm at Blaine Hospital.
1995, 1pm at Blaine Hospital.
2400 on the SAT. 4.5 GPA.
2400 on the SAT. 4.5 GPA.
...screw that. Right. Screw that.
...screw that. Right. Screw that.
About Mark, I mean. Yes.
About Mark, I mean. Yes.
Balakian. Balakian.
Balakian. Balakian.
Can I get some advice? No.
Can I get some advice? No.
Can I help you? You're doing a great job.
Can I help you? You're doing a great job.
Chair of the English Department. Kids?
Chair of the English Department. Kids?
Come on, hurry up! God, mom, relax.
Come on, hurry up! God, mom, relax.
Cut it out, Vlad. Excuse me.
Cut it out, Vlad. Excuse me.
Did someone die? Rachael's dog is sick.
Did someone die? Rachael's dog is sick.
Do you think he might fail? Maybe.
Do you think he might fail? Maybe.
Erica Jung. Erica long.
Erica Jung. Erica long.
Excuse me? Sorry, I was just talking to a student.
Excuse me? Sorry, I was just talking to a student.
From where? Outside. Gophers, squirrels...
From where? Outside. Gophers, squirrels...
God, did he... Cheat? No.
God, did he... Cheat? No.
Good morning. Hi.
Good morning. Hi.
Good. Yeah.
Good. Yeah.
Great. Goodbye.
Great. Goodbye.
He is? Yes. He's fine.
He is? Yes. He's fine.
Hello? Is this Portia Nathan?
Hello? Is this Portia Nathan?
Hello? John, it's Portia. I have Nelson.
Hello? John, it's Portia. I have Nelson.
Hi there. Hi.
Hi there. Hi.
Hi. Hi, mom.
Hi. Hi, mom.
Hi. Hi.
Hi. Hi.
How did it go? 11pm, not 1pm!
How did it go? 11pm, not 1pm!
How long have you been at Princeton? Sixteen years, but
How long have you been at Princeton? Sixteen years, but
How'd it go? It was good.
How'd it go? It was good.
I beg your pardon? I'm looking for my roomie.
I beg your pardon? I'm looking for my roomie.
I can swing by and pick you up. I guess I could eat.
I can swing by and pick you up. I guess I could eat.
I do, I do. Good. So do I.
I do, I do. Good. So do I.
I don't. OK, that's enough crazytown.
I don't. OK, that's enough crazytown.
I gave you my card? Yeah.
I gave you my card? Yeah.
I just like the taste better. So do I. That is...unbelievable.
I just like the taste better. So do I. That is...unbelievable.
I mean with me. Oh Yes .
I mean with me. Oh Yes .
I shall close this door behind? Yes. I'll be right out.
I shall close this door behind? Yes. I'll be right out.
I thought Let's just not think for a while.
I thought Let's just not think for a while.
I will write a recommendation. Thank you!
I will write a recommendation. Thank you!
I'll be there. Good.
I'll be there. Good.
I've got essays to grade. No.
I've got essays to grade. No.
It turns out Jeremiah was a stale champion In what?
It turns out Jeremiah was a stale champion In what?
It's a despicable holiday. It sucks.
It's a despicable holiday. It sucks.
It's just...you're not my birth mother. Yes, I am.
It's just...you're not my birth mother. Yes, I am.
It's OK. OK.
It's OK. OK.
James? Ok, let's go see Princeton.
James? Ok, let's go see Princeton.
Jesus! She said leave her alone!
Jesus! She said leave her alone!
Look, I never told a soul Stay back!
Look, I never told a soul Stay back!
Look, the reason that I'm You look!
Look, the reason that I'm You look!
Look! What?
Look! What?
Mark. Yes. Him.
Mark. Yes. Him.
Mom, I would like you to I'm Johnny's mother, Mrs. Pressman.
Mom, I would like you to I'm Johnny's mother, Mrs. Pressman.
Ms. Nathan. Yes?
Ms. Nathan. Yes?
Neither did you! No, that's true. I really don't.
Neither did you! No, that's true. I really don't.
Neither have you. I am not trying!
Neither have you. I am not trying!
Nelson... You're absolutely right, Nelson.
Nelson... You're absolutely right, Nelson.
No, I'm just helping. What are you doing?
No, I'm just helping. What are you doing?
No, this has nothing to do with It's OK, it's OK. I understand.
No, this has nothing to do with It's OK, it's OK. I understand.
No. Portia.
No. Portia.
Now. Portia, wait
Now. Portia, wait
OK, bye now. Best of luck with all that. Come back!
OK, bye now. Best of luck with all that. Come back!
Portia Nathan here. Susannah here.
Portia Nathan here. Susannah here.
Portia Nathan. Yes, the sad lady.
Portia Nathan. Yes, the sad lady.
Portia, I'll call you. Please don't .
Portia, I'll call you. Please don't .
Portia, I'll call you. Please don't .
Portia, I'll call you. Please don't .
Prick. Excuse me?
Prick. Excuse me?
Professor Polokov. Yes?
Professor Polokov. Yes?
Really? Switch!
Really? Switch!
She is indeed. Doesn't matter anyway, right?
She is indeed. Doesn't matter anyway, right?
She looks so mad. Well she's probably protecting her young.
She looks so mad. Well she's probably protecting her young.
Slop it with the dog stuff! What?
Slop it with the dog stuff! What?
So let's get to it. Yeah.
So let's get to it. Yeah.
So simple, but it just works. Yeah, beans.
So simple, but it just works. Yeah, beans.
So, I had a call. Oh yes?
So, I had a call. Oh yes?
Thanks. You're going to do great there.
Thanks. You're going to do great there.
That's a great question, thank you. You're welcome.
That's a great question, thank you. You're welcome.
That's amazing. I know.
That's amazing. I know.
That's amazing. I'm sorry, what did you say?
That's amazing. I'm sorry, what did you say?
That's not how it works. Right.
That's not how it works. Right.
This is bad form. Bad form.
This is bad form. Bad form.
This is diet soda? Diet soda? Why diet?
This is diet soda? Diet soda? Why diet?
Very funny. Look, he wants this.
Very funny. Look, he wants this.
Well I guess this is it. Yeah.
Well I guess this is it. Yeah.
Well there you go. OK. Right.
Well there you go. OK. Right.
What are you talking about? Twins.
What are you talking about? Twins.
What the hell. I'm helping you.
What the hell. I'm helping you.
What, you're trying to crash or something here? Yo, whassup?
What, you're trying to crash or something here? Yo, whassup?
What? Just stay out of my life!
What? Just stay out of my life!
What? Words of wisdom?
What? Words of wisdom?
What? Your birth mother.
What? Your birth mother.
Whatever. En Español.
Whatever. En Español.
Why don't you just shut up. No, you shut up!
Why don't you just shut up. No, you shut up!
Yeah, thanks. Why is that? Because you're totally predictable.
Yeah, thanks. Why is that? Because you're totally predictable.
Yeah. OK.
Yeah. OK.
You all right? Fine.
You all right? Fine.
You do? He's fine.
You do? He's fine.
You just seem kind of intense. I'm OK, are you OK?
You just seem kind of intense. I'm OK, are you OK?
You remember me? Yes. I remember you.
You remember me? Yes. I remember you.
You think I know it seems impossible, but you will.
You think I know it seems impossible, but you will.
You want to go out sometime? Yes.
You want to go out sometime? Yes.
You're not boring. I'm pretty boring.
You're not boring. I'm pretty boring.
You're not? No. I passed on that job.
You're not? No. I passed on that job.
...a developmental high school with their first year of college applicants.
...a developmental high school with their first year of college applicants.
...a disaster.
...a disaster.
...a lot, it loses its meaning. Like fork.
...a lot, it loses its meaning. Like fork.
...a true original whose abilities would lift the level of discourse.“...
...a true original whose abilities would lift the level of discourse.“...
...actually, I didn't have a grand plan.
...actually, I didn't have a grand plan.
...actually, we're going to be throwing a graduation party for a kid who I thought was my son.
...actually, we're going to be throwing a graduation party for a kid who I thought was my son.
...adopting a kid.
...adopting a kid.
...all this mother daughter role playing crap that you can't seem to shake.
...all this mother daughter role playing crap that you can't seem to shake.
...an entire nation's application panic.
...an entire nation's application panic.
...and best of luck with the application process.
...and best of luck with the application process.
...and I certainly understand why you would never want to give...
...and I certainly understand why you would never want to give...
...and I didn't think I could be a mother.
...and I didn't think I could be a mother.
...and I know this is all a bit abrupt.
...and I know this is all a bit abrupt.
...and I'll tell you, they get so in the way, it's unbelievable.
...and I'll tell you, they get so in the way, it's unbelievable.
...and I've had a really long day...
...and I've had a really long day...
...and it's going to come as quite a shock.
...and it's going to come as quite a shock.
...and let you two chat.
...and let you two chat.
...and no conscious experience,
...and no conscious experience,
...and nothing would make me happier than if one of you...
...and nothing would make me happier than if one of you...
...and put him away for life.
...and put him away for life.
...and take this week to clear up your affairs.
...and take this week to clear up your affairs.
...and the University to a completely undeserved scandal.
...and the University to a completely undeserved scandal.
...and you know, you have a very nice nose and your...
...and you know, you have a very nice nose and your...
...and you're afraid to jump in and then you just do?
...and you're afraid to jump in and then you just do?
...and you're clearly a great, mildly compulsive woman.
...and you're clearly a great, mildly compulsive woman.
...and...look, I've got to go home and get some sleep.
...and...look, I've got to go home and get some sleep.
...ardently hoping to leave the world better than they found it.
...ardently hoping to leave the world better than they found it.
...are supposed to use, right?
...are supposed to use, right?
...because I want to go out on top.
...because I want to go out on top.
...because we've been number one for so long.
...because we've been number one for so long.
...but I want you to know that I am here for you one thousand percent.
...but I want you to know that I am here for you one thousand percent.
...but I wear it like a medal because it tells the world where I belong,
...but I wear it like a medal because it tells the world where I belong,
...but we'll contact you if there's any news.
...but we'll contact you if there's any news.
...but you have never tried to get a kid into Princeton.
...but you have never tried to get a kid into Princeton.
...check on our overnight high school visitors.
...check on our overnight high school visitors.
...chicken and I will stop and get the famous bean salad on my way home.
...chicken and I will stop and get the famous bean salad on my way home.
...class treasurer...
...class treasurer...
...dog eat bitch world.
...dog eat bitch world.
...face, but I have a long term boyfriend.
...face, but I have a long term boyfriend.
...for Mark's department lunch.
...for Mark's department lunch.
...for you to have all the things that you want in life.
...for you to have all the things that you want in life.
...from no less of a scholar than Vladimir Polokov.
...from no less of a scholar than Vladimir Polokov.
...from the New Quest School in Keene, New Hampshire.
...from the New Quest School in Keene, New Hampshire.
...get back to your zombie talk.
...get back to your zombie talk.
...good, good, that's...I'm very happy.
...good, good, that's...I'm very happy.
...got up and kept going At nine months old.
...got up and kept going At nine months old.
...having a breakdown about Robert Frost.
...having a breakdown about Robert Frost.
...he decided to go and live in Outer Mongolia instead.
...he decided to go and live in Outer Mongolia instead.
...he is idiosyncratic, cerebral...
...he is idiosyncratic, cerebral...
...I don't ever want to see you in this building again.
...I don't ever want to see you in this building again.
...I want him to be happy.
...I want him to be happy.
...I'd kill myself.
...I'd kill myself.
...I'm going to let him make it.
...I'm going to let him make it.
...in any class he enrolled in.
...in any class he enrolled in.
...in some areas really do outweigh major...
...in some areas really do outweigh major...
...it is getting out of control.
...it is getting out of control.
...it's actually unheard of, for a school director lo be back here.
...it's actually unheard of, for a school director lo be back here.
...just focus on your breath.
...just focus on your breath.
...Lafont.
...Lafont.
...living off mare's milk to bring it back.
...living off mare's milk to bring it back.
...made himself more of a resume and paper trail.
...made himself more of a resume and paper trail.
...member of the team but not a leader.
...member of the team but not a leader.
...nervous, but...
...nervous, but...
...of its surroundings, but its inner light is off.
...of its surroundings, but its inner light is off.
...of science, and my desire to give back to my community.
...of science, and my desire to give back to my community.
...or your recent conversion to Buddhism.
...or your recent conversion to Buddhism.
...really, I'm the last person you want watching your kids.
...really, I'm the last person you want watching your kids.
...remember to be yourself, because...
...remember to be yourself, because...
...Rene Descartes.
...Rene Descartes.
...send you books, resources, everything that one might need. OK?
...send you books, resources, everything that one might need. OK?
...she waked with absolute certainty.
...she waked with absolute certainty.
...simple.
...simple.
...start calling me Susannah.
...start calling me Susannah.
...starting and running a shelter for homeless sled dogs .
...starting and running a shelter for homeless sled dogs .
...tell you that I'm sorry.
...tell you that I'm sorry.
...that's less than a ten hour flight from JFK.
...that's less than a ten hour flight from JFK.
...that's who you're stuck with.
...that's who you're stuck with.
...the man reading I'm OK, You're OK...
...the man reading I'm OK, You're OK...
...the most remarkable freshman class in Princeton history.
...the most remarkable freshman class in Princeton history.
...they have no record of his National Championship.
...they have no record of his National Championship.
...to become a leader in his high school.
...to become a leader in his high school.
...to have been idealized into powerlessness.
...to have been idealized into powerlessness.
...to help with Martin Luthor King Day activities .
...to help with Martin Luthor King Day activities .
...to what I'm going through and I appreciate it so much.
...to what I'm going through and I appreciate it so much.
...traveling the world with his kid, doing good?
...traveling the world with his kid, doing good?
...two, three, pull!
...two, three, pull!
...upon first reading, as we all sometimes do.
...upon first reading, as we all sometimes do.
...us, this life, it's everything I've always wanted.
...us, this life, it's everything I've always wanted.
...was the highest praise he got.
...was the highest praise he got.
...we begin the process of choosing...
...we begin the process of choosing...
...we can match you up with an undergrad and you can spend the night in his room.
...we can match you up with an undergrad and you can spend the night in his room.
...we women have to stick together in this man eat woman...
...we women have to stick together in this man eat woman...
...we'll have a chat and you can tell me why you want to go to Princeton.
...we'll have a chat and you can tell me why you want to go to Princeton.
...well, it's a disaster.
...well, it's a disaster.
...were to have this office next year .
...were to have this office next year .
...when he switched to Quest...
...when he switched to Quest...
...which, hello, it's not about you.
...which, hello, it's not about you.
...who remind us of ourselves, but honey, no.
...who remind us of ourselves, but honey, no.
...who's shown a strong interest in literature and philosophy
...who's shown a strong interest in literature and philosophy
...will affect my work. Nothing.
...will affect my work. Nothing.
...will be published by Knopf. And my father is Cuban.
...will be published by Knopf. And my father is Cuban.
...with a history of anti black, anti gay, and anti female oppression?
...with a history of anti black, anti gay, and anti female oppression?
...without ever taking any AP courses?
...without ever taking any AP courses?
...without ever taking the Advanced Placement courses?
...without ever taking the Advanced Placement courses?
...you know, I finally realized that...
...you know, I finally realized that...
...you were born on Valentine's Day at 1pm at Blaine General.
...you were born on Valentine's Day at 1pm at Blaine General.
...you're the only person who has really been so sensitive...
...you're the only person who has really been so sensitive...
'Single dad, traveling the world with his kid, doing good
'Single dad, traveling the world with his kid, doing good

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