A I a b a m a.
A I a s k a.
A r i z o n a.
A bunch of us were going cow tipping.
A group of boys calling themselves Queen...
A little bit different here in Mount Rose.
A little more like Diane Sawyer than my mom.
A salmonella dysentery outbreak...
A solid Christian trunk...
A whole goddamned town full of losers...
A.k. a. Minneapolis, St. Paul.
About that...
After he attacked me...
After some extensive investigating...
After some thorough investigating...
Ain't that right, Jean?
Alabama.
Alaska.
All right, all right.
All right, let's go.
All right, number two.
All right, ready.
All right, say, "airport hotel. "
All right, so very important, don't forget that.
All right, so...
All right, they're making a movie.
All right, very important.
All right, why don't we pick up the stepladders...
All right. I'm sorry. They're just staring.
All right. Very nice.
All so I could have tap lessons and be in the pageant...
All talent costumes have to be OK'd...
All the way to nationals, too.
All to bring me into this world...
Along with Sarah Rose Cosmetics...
Always keeps her flame burning bright...
Always offer to pay them off in tacos.
Amber Atkins, proud to be an American.
Amber Atkins, that is not American Teen Princess language.
Amber Atkins.
Amber Atkins...
Amber does my hair once a week.
Amber should've won.
Amber, how do you feel?
Amber, I am reaching a point where I would kill someone...
Amber, I'm sorry. I don't make up the rules.
Amber, I'm sorry. I really am.
Amber, we are not putting on our talent costume.
Amber's gonna be the next Diane Sawyer, you know.
American Teen Princess
American Teen Princess Pageant really changed my life.
American Teen Princesses...
An ambulance?
An interpretive...
And ask him if we can use that barn light as a spot again...
And become what you've always dreamed of makes me...
And being a big time reporter like Diane Sawyer.
And can you believe it?
And can you remember the theme of your favorite pageant?
And certain things you aspire to, yeah?
And doing a little duck hunting...
And fifteen hundred beads on the skirt alone.
And Gladys Leeman was Gladys Wood...
And go get my smokes!
And here she is...
And I brought your favorites.
And I know it won't show, but on my inner thighs...
And I know you can win.
And I thank God
And I'm Amber Atkins.
And I'm ass up in somebody's flower bed.
And I'm signing up for the pageant...
And if it's quite all right
And if you should fall
And it has the power to change you...
And John Dough...
And judges.
And learn how to hide your feelings
And let's be honest, the family only needs one Liza...
And long leafy branches to provide shade...
And make it all the way here to Lincoln, Alabama...
And my boyfriend thinks I'll win.
And now, finally the moment...
And now, our second runner up...
And Peter's got much better legs than me, OK?
And put away wet when you're my age?
And put faces on it, faces of great Americans...
And repeat.
And right now I'm thinking "Othello... "
And rip your fat little heads off!
And running eighteen miles a day on about four hundred calories.
And she definitely knows...
And she was Mount Rose American Teen Princess.
And she'll probably ride on Becky's ass...
And show me some teeth.
And since my costume was OK'd a month ago...
And soaked in lye for a week or so.
And soon to be...
And still find time to look beautiful...
And tendu, close. Tendu, close.
And that's why, dear Lord, it's with such great sorrow...
And the fact...
And the winner of the spirit award goes to...
And the year before that was...
And then in surgery...
And then kill you!
And there was a line on this in Vegas...
And there's a picture of Tammy Curry taped inside.
And this raven beauty on my right is Terry Macy.
And this time someone didn't want her to win.
And this year...
And to move her out to the cemetery.
And tuck in the tushes!
And we still have one more contestant... number eight.
And we will wave the fifty dollar application fee...
And we're your Minnesota American Teen Princess...
And what's going to happen here is that this is going to look...
And when they're looking at your teeth, God willing...
And winner of a fifty dollar scholarship...
And you are...
And you might even meet a few celebrities.
And you will not find a "back room" in our video store.
And you wouldn't know it.
And you...
And you're gonna win.
And you're not a total fry, it's just what you do.
And... tendu, close. Tendu, close.
Ankles together.
Annette, just use your hand.
Anyone talk to Jenelle lately?
Are getting sexy with your hips...
Are we on "Cops," Harold?
Are you Amber Atkins?
Are you disappointed about not winning?
Are you getting her?
Are you ladies going to the parade?
Are you upset about Brett?
Arizona.
Around the world.
As acting president...
As Barbara.
As we look at her
At least a week in advance.
At least I got to compete, and my mom got to see me dance.
At long last
At one of my brother's shows.
At the nationals...
Atomic power makes me, Molly Howard...
Aw, man.
Aw, shit.
Back off, college boy! Now listen!
Back, you cuddly retard.
Bad wiring?
Beautiful as a whore's ass today, huh, boys?
Beautiful Mount Rose, Minnesota...
Because living in a country where Lady Liberty...
Because this is the time in the pageant...
Because to live in a country...
Because we only got three frickin' minutes on the battery.
Because you're talking crazy.
Because, I mean, we don't know who the winner is yet.
Becky Leeman for president of the gun club, either, and I did.
Becky, baby, get up!
Before I was blown out of the house.
Before the pageant. You can wear it.
Best damn tapper, the most smartest.
Best thing I got to look forward to...
Big excitement.
Bitch.
Bonsai.
Brett Favre.
Bring it on!
Bruce, that's Roy. Roy, Bruce.
Brushing up on current events...
Bullshit.
But I know for a fact Tammy only smoked after a good drive.
But I never could have won...
But I'm in my house now, and I gotta warn you...
But I'm not going through this again.
But in some kind of weird miracle...
But it wasn't his fault, was it, Kenny? No.
But maybe I could call you tonight?
But none can compare to the greatest bark of all...
But other people didn't think I could beat out...
But talent like yours doesn't need to hide behind sequins.
But the show must go on.
But they only had me because Peter needed that kidney.
But this one is extra super special to me.
But you know the rules state that a costume has to be OK'd...
But you know the rules.
But you... I mean...
But, I mean...
Butterick pattern seven four three two.
By Gladys before the pageant.
By sewing...
Call a priest, for Christ's sake!
Can I?
Can one of you boys give me a ride home?
Can we switch numbers?
Can't take my eyes
Can't take my eyes
Choking on swan gas.
Christ, the woman clung to your tap shoes...
Clint Black, ruff!
Close up shop.
Coffee and doughnuts.
Come and get it!
Come back here. Mommy wants to talk to you.
Come here.
Come on out...
Come on, kick it!
Come on, Miss Forest Lake...
Come on! You want some of this!
Come on! You want some of this!
Come on.
Come on. Sell it!
Compare scores and figure out a winner...
Compete around the country in places like...
Competed in pageants...
Competing for the title...
Considering the fact she was so young.
Contestant number...
Contestants. You know...
Could you tell us anything about the controversy?
Country western!
Course, I hope I end up...
Courtesy Leeman Furniture, and an all expense paid trip...
Create world peace with one of her prayers...
Cross on the left and arms up on eight.
Damn it, I should've killed you when I had a chance...
Dance...
Diane Sawyer has number eight at her local.
Diane was a little hippy then.
Did I win?
Didn't even get to keep my damn tiara.
Ding! Fries are up!
Do not cross their legs like streetwalkers.
Do you do any of the embalming?
Do you judge the pageant every year?
Do you like to swim?
Do you need help with the cooler?
Do you think a nice cool mint would help...
Do you think most people would say...
Doesn't she look fine?
Dogwood.
Don't cry out loud
Don't fall for it.
Don't go in the bathroom.
Don't let that worry you, Annette!
Don't make me kick you where the good Lord...
Don't make me kick you where the good Lord...
Don't make me split you where you...
Don't make me...
Don't move the body. Don't touch the body.
Don't often see that.
Don't say anything...
Don't tell anyone.
Don't tell.
Don't touch her.
Don't you get it?
Doreen gave us hair nets.
Down her throat for dessert.
Drumroll, please...
Dude, don't say "ass wipe. "
During the physical fitness routine.
Emperor Hirohito.
English!
Envelope, please.
Especially on an exploding thresher.
Every last one of us.
Every year... every damn year, I tell 'em...
Everything smells like that in Mexico.
Excuse me, "Miss Penthouse '98... "
Excuse me, but I'm bragging up your kid here.
Fade in.
Finding out what's true
First of all, I'm not pregnant, OK?
First the picture of Tammy, then Brett Clemmens, and now this?
Five, six, seven... and one...
For bring home milk and a carton of Lucky...
For Christ's sakes, spit it out, Amber.
For fuck's sake, why didn't you leave him with a sitter?
For handicapped kids on a hot summer day.
For last year's American Teen Princess...
For me to know what that would feel like.
For my dad, Lester Leeman.
For my talent, I'm going to be doing...
For one thing, we're all God fearin' folk.
For the blood of Christ.
For the nicotine under their fingernails.
For the pageant yet?
For the physical fitness number?
For the physical fitness number.
For the reigning Mount Rose American Teen Princess.
For the vo tech of her choice is...
For... car accidents. Insurance.
Foul play? Shit, no.
Found my tap costume on the roof of their trailer...
Freda, sure.
Friends who have friends on the outside.
From neighboring state pageants...
From pageants into acting.
Fuckin' beauty queens blowin' chunks everywhere.
Funny, you don't look dead.
Gay!
Get out!
Get that tempo right. Kick it!
Get the money first.
Get up there.
Get your sweet ass off the phone, Cinnamon.
Girls check in, but they don't check out.
Girls, couple of things.
Give her your tray, Brett.
Give it to her.
Give me your stringy ass!
Gladys Leeman's finally going to go to state...
Gladys says a couple of youse...
Gladys wants us to all go in show order today.
Gladys, let her go.
Gladys, look out!
Gladys, the Judges Interview.
Go Muskies!
Go on home, Loretta.
Go on. The party's over.
Go, Hank!
Go, Molly!
Go.
Go...
God, I hope that's you and not your concussion talking.
God, Iris, you taped your shows over it.
God, that's so great!
God.
Good things happen to good people.
Good, because this isn't an American Teen Princess Pageant.
Gosh darn it. Hello, Father Dunegan.
Gotta go.
Green?
Had it all
Hairy legged women libbers might say.
Hank can't help it if he's born crazier than a shit house rat!
Harold, are we on "Cops"?
Harold, Mom said not in the head!
Has been enriching the lives of American made girls since 1945.
Has brought about her untimely death.
Has there been sabotage?
Have you decided what your talent is going to be yet?
He followed his dream all the way to New York.
He lifts them from the poverty they know in Mexico.
He sells reproductions!
He took it right between the eyes.
He went to live with a nice family on a farm...
He's buried next to my grandpa.
He's taking her to Lincoln, Alabama.
Hell no, she ain't quitting.
Hello, Tony.
Help!
Her beauty worked against her...
Here she is
Here she is...
Here, I didn't...
Here, I'll take it. It's my job.
Here, watch.
Here? What?
Here's him as Madonna.
Here's Peter as... Liza!
Here's the weird part.
Here's the weird part.
Hey to the folks.
Hey, Amber, did you get my smokes?
Hey, ass wipe, quit dicking around with the camera.
Hey, hey, hey! Family?
Hey, hey, you like it?
Hey, how you doing?
Hey, Little Miss Sad Pants and her friend Serious Sally.
Hey, that was your mom.
Hey, Tim, Carla, listen...
Hey, what he got that I not got?
Hey, you hear that?
Hey. What's up, Scott?
Hi there.
Hi, guys.
Hi, Mom.
Hi, monkey.
Hi, Pat.
Hi.
Hi. I'm Amber Atkins, and I'm signing up...
Hi. I'm Rebecca Leeman, and I believe this pageant...
His furniture's as fake as my orgasms.
Honest to God, honey.
Honey, if I was a good lover...
Honey, is this the best day of your life?
Hope this thing ends before they do.
How about some nice cool mints...
How are you going to figure this all out?
How did you know?
How quickly they forget where this all comes from.
Hunting season.
Hurry up.
I ain't gonna be in no goddamn pageant.
I always watch the pageants on TV...
I am not letting go until you tell me what's up.
I beg your pardon. Would you like a drink?
I bet Diane Sawyer never had to deal with crap like this.
I can look at it and see...
I can see what's mine now
I can sum up our entire philosophy with this glass.
I can't believe she said...
I can't believe this is happening.
I chose Mount Rushmore...
I couldn't let you go out there in that skimpy little thing.
I did it.
I didn't do anything wrong.
I didn't wanna win like this.
I do have a special fella in my life...
I don't care if you have to ride this thing sidesaddle.
I don't get off on that kind of thing.
I don't know what my talent's gonna be yet.
I don't know.
I don't know. A gift from God or something.
I don't really have time for guys anyways.
I don't think so.
I don't want to see that.
I dream of getting out of Mount Rose...
I feel like I need to take a shower.
I get made a judge, then the furniture store hires us...
I got second place.
I got second runner up.
I got some.
I gotta get ahold of Ted...
I gotta go!
I gotta work with these girls.
I grew up right next to these stockyards.
I guess I could answer that.
I guess my most memorable one...
I guess number eight only worked for Diane Sawyer.
I had beef jerky in my front pocket.
I have a dream...
I have just been notified that contestant number seven...
I haven't told my boyfriend yet.
I hope it was worth it.
I hope you understand.
I just can't believe it.
I just did.
I just do the hair and makeup on the deceased.
I just don't want this to be the thing that you do over.
I just fell in love with the Big Apple last summer...
I just love Saint Paul pork products.
I just need one more do over.
I just wanna say...
I just wanna tap, you know?
I just wanted my mom to see me dance.
I just wanted to compete.
I kind of misunderstood the assignment.
I know the truth, that's why.
I know what some of your big city, no bra wearin'...
I know who the winner is.
I know who the winner is.
I know who the winner... Harold.
I know you sacrificed everything...
I know, but these things happen...
I know, I know.
I know, I know. Gives me the willies, too.
I know.
I know. Come on, let's go.
I live in L.A.
I love you much.
I love you, baby
I love you, baby
I mean, guys get out of Mount Rose all the time...
I mean, I have no idea who Jean picked...
I mean, it's all happening so fast.
I mean, maybe other people think I can't win a beauty pageant...
I mean, why would I want to be, you know?
I mean...
I meant nervous about the pageant.
I might even take seconds!
I must say...
I need Stella now.
I need to go first.
I never liked her, but she didn't deserve...
I open my locker today after first period...
I owe my life to that deaf baby.
I probably gotta work at the funeral home.
I run track, and right here I'm the new president...
I should just ask you, Becky.
I should just go home now.
I shoved your tap shoes in my panties...
I tell Annette, you talk to me during my stories...
I tell you one thing...
I think I just thought of the theme.
I think it went really well.
I think that you guys should leave.
I thought it might help you get some sleep.
I told you all about 'em. This here's Loretta.
I wanna hold you
I wanna hold you
I want to have the big bag of little doughnuts.
I was contestant number one.
I was crowned Mount Rose's American Teen Princess...
I was just saying that, you know?
I was just trying to scare you into changing your mind.
I was Mount Rose American Teen Princess in 1945.
I was practicing my talent, finishing my costume...
I was ready.
I was scared, OK?
I was supposed to go first.
I will if you shut your piehole.
I work here now!
I'd lay down ten to one that it all comes down...
I'd like to take you back seventeen years...
I'd start walking out of this town...
I'll be line dancing.
I'll be right behind you in the hearse, OK?
I'll get it!
I'll let you drive.
I'll throw in a hutch for free, OK?
I'm a lifer here.
I'm alive
I'm captain.
I'm cutting you off and sending you home.
I'm going to be smiling for a year.
I'm going to do my talent tonight.
I'm gonna be on TV just like Diane Sawyer.
I'm gonna call your mom.
I'm gonna quit the pageant.
I'm just going to leave it in you.
I'm kind of dizzy from the fumes.
I'm Leslie Miller.
I'm Minnesota's American Teen Princess.
I'm not going to win.
I'm not really busy on Friday.
I'm not saying I'm the best or that I'd even win, but...
I'm quitting the pageant.
I'm quitting.
I'm signing up 'cause, you know...
I'm so excited.
I'm sorry.
I'm the judge!
I'm trying to tell him...
I'm wearing my wife apron and my mom hat...
I've been enjoying Saint Paul pork products for years.
I've had your shit for two weeks now!
I've never seen anything like it before, and...
If Cain and Abel...
If I die from these fumes...
If I had it to do over...
If I shoved your head up your ass?
If I was a betting woman...
If it's another stray bullet to the head...
If Jenelle hadn't wanted to go first...
If so, you got all the pictures of the winner you need.
If you catch this in your mouth, I'll give you a present.
If you could be any tree in the woods...
If you list a friend and put down her address.
If you want seconds, I'll make sure you get them!
If you wanted to do something...
If you're getting at something, you'd better just say it.
If you're seventeen...
In alphabetical order.
In Bundy, Minnesota...
In case Becky won.
In fact, I love 'em so much...
In her farewell performance.
In ways you've never dreamed of.
Iowa, Wisconsin, South Dakota.
Iris, stop it. It's not his fault.
Is an important experience for every young woman.
Is old fashioned and demeaning to the girls.
Is people!
Is that for me or my gown?
Is there a controversy here?
Is this my mark?
Is to end up in some decent raisin ranch...
Isn't she gonna win, Loretta?
It can't feel good.
It is my duty...
It is with overwhelming pride...
It lasts longer.
It makes me proud I'm American.
It makes me proud to be an American.
It smells funny... like gasoline.
It was here before the opening number.
It was still on the hanger.
It'll help you smile...
It's a $200 fine!
It's a little game we play every week.
It's all the stuff I get to do.
It's always hard to see the young ones called home.
It's been about two months.
It's best with lots of butter.
It's front page news when one of 'em takes a shit.
It's half full.
It's just a camera I keep in the glove compartment...
It's just like Anthony Robbins says...
It's just like Diane Sawyer's!
It's just really hard...
It's just so odd and gross.
It's just the guys that are, you know...
It's me... Becky.
It's not my fault. Please.
It's nothing special...
It's OK.
It's OK. They're just giving her a ride back.
It's scary.
It's still the same family run business...
It's the damn Shriners who won't take down...
Jean Kangas...
Jesus Christ on a cross!
Jesus Christ!
Joining us now is David Richardson...
Just give me a minute to warm up.
Just introduce yourself and tell us why...
Just keep it inside
Just like your little friend!
Just put another book under it.
Just watching the young girls.
Keep on moving through.
Keep on. Keep moving it.
Keep them away from you so they don't get on the outfits.
Kenny! Kenny, come. Come, Kenny.
Ladies and gentlemen...
Ladies, listen up. I'm Colleen Douglas.
Lay him flat!
Left in that can and relax a bit?
Leslie Miller kicks Teen Princess ass!
Leslie Miller, proud to be an American.
Leslie Miller.
Let go of me!
Let me love you
Let me love you, baby
Let's form a line.
Let's get out of here!
Let's get this straight right now.
Let's get you a root beer float.
Let's give a big round of applause...
Let's go home.
Let's just say who should win, who deserves to win is Amber.
Let's shake a leg, ladies!
Lights, camera, and me without a stitch of makeup on.
Like a glistening lake beneath the swan.
Like he just came in from snowmobiling.
Like sands through the hourglass so are the "Days Of Our Lives. "
Lincoln, Alabama, look out!
Lisa Swenson has dropped out of the pageant.
Lisa, come on, you're next.
Lisa, I don't think you should do this.
Listen up, number one.
Listen, Amber...
Listen, guys, if you see anything you like...
Living in a country where no matter who you are...
Lmpartial?
Look at her
Look here. Look at me.
Look what happened to that dork ass farm girl.
Look, number one rule in a funeral home...
Looking like a cheap whore.
Looking through the eyes
Loretta, don't do that.
Loretta, don't do that.
Loretta, get out of here! Go on, get out.
Loretta, never have kids.
Love that one.
Love you, baby.
Lutefisk is codfish that's been salted...
Ma always says, "Don't eat anything...
Makes me...
Making the movie about the pageant.
Mary Johanson.
Maybe it's your way of telling us to buy American.
Maybe she should've shoved that lucky bolt...
Minnesota American Teen Princess...
Minnesota's American Teen Princess...
Miss Burnsville, you're up next.
Mm hmm. Yeah. I'm gonna sing and dance...
Mom still cries when she sees a tilt a whirl...
Mom, look. Don't talk.
Mom, will you be so kind?
Mom's got the window open. We gotta hurry up, though...
Mom's out here in the front row.
Most smartest?
Most smartest.
Mount Rose American Teen Princess is...
Mount Rose American Teen Princess.
Mr. Adam West!
Mr. Larson's son learned the hard way.
Mrs. Clark, why are you doing this to me?
Muskies! Yeah!
Must have been smoking and driving.
My cousin just had a deaf baby, and I get to go see it.
My dress is fine.
My hands are stuck.
My jacket.
My little Carol Burnett.
My lovely daughter Rebecca Ann Leeman is competing.
My mom and Diane Sawyer.
My mom gave me this nine mill for my thirteenth birthday.
My mom had Mrs. Lopez make it.
My mom wanted me to have this?
My pants are...
My place of business, my little house of worship...
My talent will be...
My uncle Phil's world's largest ball of twine...
My winning the Mount Rose...
Nah, I quit.
Nah. Hazard of the trade.
Name and spell all the United States...
Never been around young girls.
Never judged a pageant before in my life.
Never sneak up on the living.
Next one in here without a pack of Luckys in her hand dies!
Next thing I know...
Next weekend, when she will be competing for the title...
Next!
Nice mouth you got there...
Nice one, Dad. He's dead.
Nice, John.
Nice, Ma. Real nice.
No way.
No way. Oh, my God.
No, Dad, it was worth it.
No, I think you boys are going to find something...
No, it's pure bullshit, sweetie.
No, listen. We shouldn't talk here.
No, she's just screaming "Mom" because she's got Turret's.
No, thank you. Is Amber here?
No. Here.
No. I've never judged nothin' before.
No. It's all right. Don't worry about it.
No. Mom said if I did...
No. No. No way. No.
No. She's not getting up.
No. You betcha, Iris.
Not so hard, sweetie. I heard something snap.
Nothing too showy.
Now come on.
Now get up there.
Now just run in the store and pick out some outfits.
Now she's as dead as a doornail.
Now traced to improperly refrigerated shellfish...
Now, ladies, the rest of the tape...
Now, that's my cue.
Now, this pageant's your ticket out of here...
Now, we need to remember the three most important parts...
Now...
Number one.
Of course, it's not a size ten.
Of Minnesota's American Teen Princess sure was exciting...
Of Sarah Rose Cosmetics...
Of spreading sign language...
Of the Lutheran Sisterhood Gun Club.