Head of State (2003) Edit

A bail bondsman from Chicago, as his running mate.

A black man will become President of the United States of America.

A debate isn't an argument.

A man with a dream

A man with a dream To do the world some good

A motorcycle, or a rickshaw.

A senator? I'm just an alderman.

A simple man

About what the people need.

After a slow start, Mays Gilliam has made some dramatic changes...

After some inventive chiding on the part of Alderman Mays Gilliam...

After this is over, we get to work.

After what you said, you need a foot put up in your ass.

Ain't nothing better than that! Ain't nothing ever been better than that!

Alderman Gilliam can be captivating and entertaining.

Alderman Gilliam, quick! Miss Pearl is back!

Alderman Gilliam, same question, please.

Alderman Gilliam's office.

Alderman Gilliam's office. What are you upset about?

Alderman Mays Gilliam.

All I'm seeing are people, normal people like every other American.

All right, I guess.

All right, turn it off. Wait till this woman gets her cat.

Am I what?

America is taking advantage of you!

America is the greatest country on the face of the earth...

America is the richest, most powerful nation on earth.

America, Mays.

An everyday man

An off the record comment by Mays Gilliam.

And act like a grown man for a change, Mays!

And brand new metal detectors, let me hear you say, "That ain't right!"

And cousin of Vice President Lewis, after Stone's endorsement of Mays Gilliam.

And everybody loves a big titty woman!

And Ghostface Killah.

And give them all a good old fashioned American hug.

And he knocked me out!

And here's the bill for your car note.

And his running mate, General Olson James...

And I promise you this:

And I see you, but I don't know you.

And I think you're okay.

And I want to say:

And I'll be damned if I'm going to let my election be ruined by this asshole!

And I'm running for President of the United States of America.

And I'm sorry, Mays.

And if I got your vote for President

And if the kids cut it back on, knock them out.

And if these ads are so bad, why hasn't Gilliam said anything?

And knock me the hell out!

And look at you. Grow up, you got to dress better.

And Mr. Earl will bring you at 8:00 sharp.

And now is not the time...

And now we got these corporations stealing all the money.

And that's what we want, a man of the people.

And the white people will vote for us...

And there's no such thing as black on black crime.

And thinking you're staying on my bus.

And this is what America is all about.

And to me, America is like a fine performance car.

And to this day, I don't smoke. Not because I'm scared of cancer.

And we need to reach out to them...

And you said "shit." Presidential candidates do not say "shit."

Apologize.

Are these your bags?

Are you getting gas? You're holding my line up.

Are you going to just let him talk about me like that?

Are you going uptown?

Are you insane? You can't just go out in front of 5,000 people and talk!

Are you on the pipe?

Are you sure? I could send a car to pick you up.

Are you with me or are you with him?

Arnot picked you so you could lose.

Around here when people have a problem, they don't call the mayor, they call me.

As we've seen tonight...

Back up.

Be a real politician!

Because everybody watches videos, MTV, BET.

Because we've shown we support them.

Because when it comes to judging talent and potential...

Better schools...

Between Washington, D.C., officials and transit authority operators...

Big business and small business, show business and ho business.

Biggest man in town He's the head of state

Bottom line:

Bounce!

Bring him back. He got to vote.

But I'm not in it.

But I'm trying to go through that Neptune feel

But if I don't see you tonight, I will see you soon.

But if we hurry, we'll be able to get a table at Jezebel's.

But isn't it obvious that God has blessed America?

But it is yours.

But it's obvious he's not a party line candidate.

But lately I've been thinking about the Botanical Gardens.

But Lewis will smack it back down!

But sometimes, you don't know if people like you for you.

But talks broke down when the newly appointed alderman, Reginald Shannon...

But that ain't her fault! That's the school's fault.

But the high prices of medicine will give you a heart attack.

But there's nothing wrong with being an amateur.

But this is very important.

But we need a running mate.

But what made Elmer really mad is when Bugs Bunny kissed him.

But you guys are the people.

But you have to know these things.

But you know and I know that you will endorse Lewis.

But you know me.

But you wouldn't know nothing about that. Why?

Butter, bacon, that make the country great.

By naming you as his running mate. Why?

Call Reverend Barton for that one. No...

Can I ask you a question?

Can we just move on? This is ridiculous.

Can't do it. Once they laid the explosives, there's nothing I can do.

Can't trust no damn body!

Cancer lover!

Cheaper than asthma and AIDS medicine, I'm an amateur.

Cheer up, we'll be in Chicago in a few days. You got a brother there.

Chicago, please welcome your next president:

Come here, brother.

Come on now. This ain't about me.

Come on, baby! Sugar baby.

Come on, brother, I know you know how to do this dance.

Come on, did you hear them?

Come on, hoes!

Come on, man. It's orange beer with a nipple top. Now, who's that for?

Come on, talk to Mama.

Come on!

Come on. Wait a minute!

Congressmen, senators, they work with other politicians.

Construction workers, nurses.

Could I ask you something?

Could you at least turn it off? Let the lady get her cat.

Crime is crime.

Crip walk!

Damn it!

Damn it! Why didn't somebody around here think of this?

Damn you, Mays Gilliam!

Darling, are you done yet? No? If not, it's okay. I can wait.

Debra, hold on.

Deep in the heart of Texas

Democracy doesn't work for you when you're not winning?

Did Gilliam kill JonBenet Ramsay? Police want to know.

Did you call Hammer?

Did you hear about that guy running for President?

Did you hear....

Didn't you see me talking?

Dionne is in the house. I know she is.

Dionne, baby? I got something for you!

Do you believe we need stricter gun control laws?

Do you have any idea why they chose you?

Do you have drugs on you? Get them off, I'm not going to jail for you.

Do you know Nato Jacobs?

Do you plan to support paternal leave incentives?

Do you really think these people give a damn about you?

Do you think they would have chosen an ignorant ass ****** like you?

Don't be ashamed! It ain't your fault.

Don't call me with that bullshit! You see I'm on TV.

Don't get ahead of yourself.

Don't intrude in my life anymore. I don't want to have anything to do with you...

Don't steal my car now.

Don't take unscreened packages. Security reasons.

Don't worry about the polls. They're just a sampling. Polls change.

Don't worry. Go out there, put the machine behind him.

Don't worry. I've been talking to the people downtown...

Don't you get it, Debra? I intend to run for President in 2008.

Down in the polls, Gilliam still has no running mate.

Dress for the job you want, not for the job you got.

Even I knew that.

Even Puff Daddy wears a suit to court.

Everybody.

Everywhere I turn, they're trying to put a foot in my ass.

Everywhere you go they say, "What's up, nubby?"

Excuse me, hoes!

Excuse me, please.

Excuse me, the Teamsters are here.

Excuse us, please.

Five.

For his involvement with this man...

For President...

For the first time in history, a black man, Mays Gilliam...

For the last time, I'm not running for President.

For young and for old

Freeze!

Friend and associate and accused drug lord, Warren Pryor.

Gay people want what every American wants. A good house, a good job!

Geller and I will advance the party...

Geller and them up there pumping your head up.

Geller, see if you can track down this Mays Gilliam.

Gentlemen, Mr. Mays Gilliam.

Get a union man on this.

Get me an SUV, a minivan, a bus, a scooter...

Get me on the news so I can apologize. That's what the people want to hear.

Get out of here!

Get out of here! Gaines is dead?

Get ready for...

Get rid of this zero and talk to the hero.

Get your ass in there!

Get your ass out!

Get your hand off my ass, boy!

Get your hand out of my pocket!

Gilliam has over 90 percent minority turnout.

Gilliam is done and Big Dave says, "Waa waa!"

Gilliam is over 30 points.

Gilliam is under investigation by the FBI...

Give me a break!

Give me one good reason I should debate that jerk.

Give me one good reason why I should go along with this.

Go ahead, baby brother. I got this.

Go check our accounts.

Go to work. Handle your business. If you need me, call me.

Go, Mays!

God bless America, and no place else.

God bless America, and no place else.

God bless America, and no place else.

God bless America!

Good morning.

Good offers.

Good work.

Got it for a song at a repo auction.

Got nowhere to go

Great party. Too bad about the fire.

Guys, I'm all for labor, I'm all for unions.

Hanging up?

Have you ever been to Amateur Night at the Apollo?

He doesn't know what he's gonna do

He feels bad, mighty low

He has elected to go first.

He is scared. He's holding the ball, hoping the clock will run out.

He knows that. That's why he won't.

He looks you up and down and says, "l got to see some ID."

He owns a bottling plant in D.C. and I spoke to him about our problem.

He really thinks he can make a difference.

He said, "All men are created equal, but black women got the nicest ass!"

He took Gaines' place, sir.

He was right behind me. Should I look for him?

He will be destroyed, sir, as you wish.

He won't listen to me!

He would take a lot of work.

He'll be very angry because he wanted to be your best man.

He's a war hero and Sharon Stone's cousin. He can't lose.

He's avoiding me like he owes me child support.

He's chosen his brother, Mitch Gilliam...

He's just some kid who thinks he can make a difference.

He's not an alderman.

He's running against you, sir.

He's running for President and every vote counts!

He's unbelievable!

Hello, children.

Hello, Debra.

Hello, Martin.

Hello?

Help me. They locked me out of my office.

Here are your off the cuff remarks. Learn them. See you later.

Here. Let's take a look at this.

Here's a story for rich and poor

Here's the cable bill. I didn't pay that, either.

Here's the light bill. I didn't pay it.

Here's the story about a man

Hey, man, Dionne is her cat.

Hi, how are you doing? All right. You all right.

Hi, I'm with the Pork Commission

Hi, Oprah!

Hi, that's me, Mays Gilliam, alderman of the 9th Ward of Washington, D.C.

Hi. I'm Mays Gilliam, candidate for President of the United States.

Hold it!

Hold on. I don't know if that's such a good idea.

Hold that thought. We have a caller from Detroit.

Hold up.

Home of the cowboys!

How about "God bless Haiti" or "God bless Africa"?

How about "God bless Jamaica"?

How about them Cowboys?

How can we turn this around?

How can you do that? Just a nickel bag!

How can you help the poor if you never been poor?

How can you make drug policy if you never smoked a chronic?

How can you stop crime if you don't know no criminals?

How did you get into this line of work?

How do we limit violent material? Turn it off.

How do you know about her?

How do you know that? It just happened.

How do you want to handle this?

How does being a bail bondsman qualify you to be Vice President?

How many of you have children that they call stupid?

How many of you work in a mall you can't afford to shop in?

How many of you, right now...

How many times have I told you? You got to quit trying to fix shit.

How's business?

I am a bail bondsman.

I am a war hero, and I am Sharon Stone's cousin!

I am going to run an alderman for President?

I am in Detroit at a Player's Ball with pimps and whores.

I am not being rude, I am working.

I am not getting off this bus!

I am not getting off this bus. We're in the middle of nowhere

I am tired of being engaged. I am tired of being

I appreciate it. Thanks a lot.

I asked my niece the other day, "What's four plus four?" She said, "44."

I believe in gay rights because when I see gay people...

I came on board to run a campaign for a man we didn't expect to win...

I can help you do this.

I can't decide whether we should have a DJ or a band.

I can't do this. You got to get me out of here. I can't control him.

I can't wait to start working, and do I have a job for you!

I cannot believe you got me out here like this.

I could've got you into the council next term. Now you're red lined.

I couldn't take what you were saying.

I did some extra work, and a few things that went straight to video.

I didn't come here to argue with you.

I didn't know the camera was on me. I was playing around with some sound guy.

I do no such thing.

I don't believe it!

I don't care if you have a white collar or a tank top.

I don't know what else to say...

I don't know what she's talking about. We checked the house, nobody is in there.

I don't know you, and I don't like you.

I don't know. I guess I'm all right.

I don't know. I might have to work.

I don't know. It seems like they're trying to get me.

I don't mean to be out of line, sir...

I don't see how they could do this to us.

I don't smoke because I think my dad is going to walk through that door...

I don't think everybody appreciated what you did in there.

I don't think I want Gilliam and his homies to be in the White House.

I don't think we need more gun control.

I don't want that garbage. What will I do, feed your car to my car?

I don't want to go negative.

I feel we need to talk to our kids....

I forgot how nice D.C. was.

I got meat!

I got to go.

I got to go. Good luck, and call me if you get a chance.

I hate America, but I love Brian Lewis.

I hate that piece of shit!

I have a question.

I hope they take it!

I know him, but I don't drug lord know him.

I know it's fried rice, but it's not "fried" rice.

I know Lassiter is out, but I think...

I know we haven't exactly always seen eye to eye...

I know you are, but what am l?

I know you got no reason to trust me, but I'm asking you to.

I know you know how to do the Electric Slide.

I know you're working. I'm working, too. So let's keep working. Want to dance?

I know!

I know. The mayor is fed up with you.

I like it. I like traveling, I like meeting the people.

I like to get to know people before I get involved.

I like you for you.

I love the Lord, and I love the King, Elvis Presley.

I love this guy. "That ain't right."

I love you so much

I love you, I've known you a long time. You've seen a lot in your life.

I love you, man, and I'm with you no matter what.

I love you, Mays!

I need to get on with my life!

I need to know. How real is this? Can we win without California?

I never met Nato. I don't talk about people behind their back.

I noticed you weren't at the party, so I thought...

I promise if I'm your President, I will take care of everybody:

I read that they're going to shut down our bus line.

I represent my whole race.

I say we enforce the laws that are already on the books.

I should be talking about something a little more relevant.

I should stab you in the neck with this pen, Mr. Pension Taker.

I still have to clean up. I don't know how long that will take me.

I tell you how business is. Business is great.

I think I want 150, maybe 200 people.

I think she'd be happy to get out of this rattrap.

I think we found our man.

I think we found our man.

I think you're very attractive. It's just that...

I think you're....

I thought I told you that we won't stop.

I thought I told you we won't stop.

I thought you could do something real good in Security!

I thought you wanted more!

I thought you were talking about this guy named Nato.

I told you....

I took the liberty of choosing some options for this evening's fundraiser.

I took the liberty of choosing some options for this evening's fundraiser.

I voted for Mays Gilliam.

I want people to vote for me, not against Lewis.

I want this guy done. You hear me? Finish him!

I want to go on vacation! You're horrible in bed!

I want to help you.

I want to introduce you to Chester Norris Allen.

I want to thank you for inviting me to the Lone Star State.

I want to win.

I was getting the party started.

I was hoping you'd call. Are you okay?

I was just trying to help Miss Pearl.

I was so proud of you. You were so good last night.

I was trying to call you, but I've been doing press all day.

I went to the University of Nebraska...

I wish I could quit.

I wish it was that easy.

I wish you would.

I won!

I work in a neighborhood so bad, you can get shot while you're getting shot.

I, Ronald Reagan, do solemnly swear....

I'd like to say you are full of shit.

I'll be fine. I'll walk.

I'll be fine. I'm just gonna walk.

I'll be right back.

I'll be the one taking a hit for this.

I'll be the one taking a hit for this.

I'll call you.

I'll double check the PA system. You'll make a brief statement at 11:00.

I'll make phone calls, send out fliers.

I'll tell you about our agenda.

I'll tell you where he's at. He's with his peeps!

I'll wear whatever you need me to wear. What fundraiser is this?

I'm a bail bondsman. I got an office on the Southside.

I'm always working. I never get a chance to check it out.

I'm available to you around the clock, just let me know.

I'm Brian Lewis, and I am your last chance.

I'm exhausted.

I'm feeling it.

I'm from the Athlete's Foot

I'm glad you asked.

I'm Janet Silvers reporting live in D.C., where transit operators....

I'm just playing. Come on.

I'm just trying to get the party started.

I'm Mays Gilliam, and I'm running for President of the United States of America.

I'm not crazy! Gaines was 20 points behind. It's ten weeks to Election Day.

I'm not talking about Jamaica, the beach tribes you all love.

I'm not worried about Lewis. I'm running my race.

I'm running against this guy.

I'm seeing everybody else!

I'm sorry I threw you off the bus. It was wrong.

I'm sorry, brother, but ain't nothing I can do.

I'm sorry, Mr. Hawkins. What can I do for you?

I'm sorry. You know what? I never got your name.

I'm talking about stabbing Jamaica. That's what I'm talking about.

I'm telling you right now.

I'm the government. I know everything.

I'm tired of spending my time waiting for you to quit acting like a child...

I'm tired of your little games, tired of being your little secretary.

I'm what's best for the party!

I'm with him?

I've always said I wanted a wedding in a church...

I've been high, I've been robbed, I've been broke.

I've been making calls. Nobody wants to run with you.

I've been talking all day. I was talking to the press.

I've been Vice President for eight years.

ID? You mean to tell me a one legged teenager can't have a drink?

If America was a car, it would be a Bentley...

If America was a woman, it would be a big titty woman.

If anything'll happen to you, it'll happen to him first.

If he get out of pocket, put your foot in his ass.

If I get shot, everybody is fired.

If I got a good idea, it shouldn't matter what the hell I'm wearing!

If I quit...

If I see Mays Gilliam, I'll bust a cap in his ass.

If I was 12, I'd have a gun, too.

If the party needs to get started, I'll handle it.

If there is anything you would like for me to do, I would be happy to.

If there's a leak saying Gilliam is going to win, you'll get a late rush.

If these voting trends sustain, it's likely that for the first time in history...

If they do that, I can't get to work!

If they had any idea they could win this thing...

If they shut down this bus line, I will drive you to work myself.

If they shut down this bus service, I will drive you to work myself.

If we want a real shot at this thing, we got to get Lewis to debate.

If we're gonna run this campaign, it's got to go my way.

If you don't know, you better ask somebody.

If you had laws on a Destiny's Child video right now, you could stop crime.

If you look over there, it's the Lincoln Memorial.

If you look real hard in the window, you can see Oprah counting her money.

If you put Robert next to Nelson...

If you rob me, I'll whoop your ass.

If you see Mays Gilliam, please do not call the authorities.

If you work two jobs, and at the end of the week...

If you're in trouble, yell "Security!" and my people will handle the situation.

If your child's school has old ass books...

In case you've forgotten, I intend to run for President in 2008...

In Florida today, guns and explosives were found at a junior high school.

In his presidential campaign.

In the latest exit poll, Vice President Lewis has 51 percent of the vote.

In the latest polls, Mays Gilliam is up just one point, to 10 percent.

In this CNB News exclusive, our cameras caught Gilliam...

Inside of 20 years, you know the numbers...

Is be the first party to nominate a minority for President.

Is because I thought you had potential!

Is for you to debate me right now!

Is Mays Gilliam for cancer or against cancer?

It ain't right.

It gives me great honor...

It isn't right!

It looks like Gilliam might just pull an upset in Illinois.

It seems clear Gilliam is going to take New York.

It was good seeing you again.

It will make the 6:30 news if we do it now. We just have to put it out there.

It's a template. We'll get you in there eventually.

It's business. We'll do what's best for the union.

It's Crib Malt Liquor, man!

It's dead wrong!

It's Election Day, Tuesday, November 8, 2004.

It's good to see you, boy!

It's just a guy I say "What's up?" to. But I don't know him know him.

It's just a saying. Come back!

It's like Timberland, and I got a bit of Missy moving up there...

It's likely Lewis will take Michigan.

It's not a black owned business?

It's not about the vote. We're looking out for the convicts.

It's not bad.

It's not working. I'm only one point up in the polls.

It's okay!

It's on! Guys, come here!

It's people like you, the ranchers...

It's time.

It's unprecedented, but if I put in a call to the party chairman...

It's you people, the dairy people...

James Brown, Luther Vandross, Rockwell, the Crown Heights Affair.

Jefferson had a black mistress.

Just do what we say.

Just do whatever you can to make his life a living hell.

Just give me a break!

Just run your race.

Keep your head up, it's your best bet

Kim. How is it going, honey?

Knock out your kids. It helps.

Know what you need to do? You need to leave. I won't tell you again.

Ladies and gentlemen, Alderman Mays Gilliam.

Ladies and gentlemen, hold your applause, please.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mays Gilliam!

Ladies and gentlemen, our American children are hurting today...

Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States of America...

Ladies and gentlemen, Vice President Brian Lewis.

Ladies and gentlemen...

Leave the people alone, damn it!

Let me ask you something, brother. When they gonna let you speak?

Let me ask you something.

Let me get ten Nine Lives, four Lucky Ducks, two Straight Pokers...

Let me get this straight.

Let me hear you say, "Oh, yeah"

Let me hear you say, "That ain't right!"

Let me introduce you to Martin Geller, Debra Lassiter.

Let me see you bounce!

Let me see you shake!

Let me tell you something.

Let the lady go inside.

Let the people decide.

Let's get something straight.

Let's get to know each other.

Let's go.

Let's keep Mays Gilliam out of the White House.

Let's move.

Lewis ain't no punk. He ain't no joke.

Lewis has been Vice President for eight years.

Lincoln freed the slaves...

Lisa Clark!

Little brother, you all right?

Little guy against the big guy, corporations against the people.

Look at him now, man Ain't this great

Look at my little brother! You said you'd call when you got here.

Look at my shoes and at the bags. Shut up and follow me.

Look at that.

Look at this poster: "Mays." Who are they talking about? Willie?

Look at this! This is great!

Look at this.

Look at you, man! I see you all on the shows, politicking.

Make a statement of some kind, try and sound sincere

Make sure he doesn't embarrass us.

Makes the mayor look bad.

Making what was arguably the most controversial statement of the day.

Man, I want to know

Man, news travels fast.

Maybe I like to work? Excuse me.

Maybe they should get Shaq. Nobody can beat him.

Maybe you need to take advantage of what's in front of you.

Maybe you're right. We could tailor the speeches more to you.

Mays Gilliam began this race....

Mays Gilliam did not attend this year's annual rally against cancer.

Mays Gilliam has been out driving people to work.

Mays Gilliam is actually ahead by several points.

Mays Gilliam, Debra Lassiter.

Mays Gilliam, he's for cancer.

Mays, darling, I've been thinking. I want a small wedding.

Mays, darling!

Mays, you're running for President of the United States of America.

Me?

Meanwhile, we steal a Big Mac with cheese...

Milk makes the body good, and you make the country good.

Miss Pearl, no!

Miss Pearl, we got to get out of here. They're going to blow this place up.

Miss Pearl!

Miss Pearl! Come out!

Miss Pearl.

Mitch! What's up?

Mitch! Why you looking around? It's Reggie.... Where my money at?

More beef than East Coast, West Coast rap. Check it out!

Most opponents are saying your brother destroyed any chance of winning...

Move that fat ass! One, two, three!

Mr. Gilliam, can I have your autograph?

Mr. Gilliam, how would you deal with white collar crime?

Mr. Vice President!

Muhammad, get me a gun in case another kid tries to get crazy.

My daddy got his bike stolen right there.

My gosh, lady, my brother said he was sorry. Let it go.

My little brother, running for President.

My momma told me to whoop your ass.

NATO is the North Atlantic Treaty Organization.

Need a ride home?

Need a ride?

Negative ads. Lewis is up, Gilliam is down. I think it's great!

Next thing you know, we on Death Row!

Nice to meet you. Take a seat.

Nice to meet you. What do you do for a living?

Nice. Real nice.

No more bombs now. And don't use guns.

No one was injured in the incident, but with just six weeks till Election Day...

No questions. Sorry.

No, come on, stay!

No, Debra. I need you out there, and this is going great.

No, he does not get away with this crap!

No, I did not call Hammer.

No, Mays!

No, not my bike!

No, sorry, I don't.

No, that's not good enough for you.

No, you ain't. Look at you. If you call this ready, this won't get it.

No, you can't win without California.

No!

Nobody wants to hear that.

North America.

North...

Not 10 minutes after you fired me, I had two offers for jobs.

Not after the way you treated me.

Not the part of D.C. you're familiar with.

Not to sabotage him so he'd lose.

Now give me one reason why you shouldn't.

Now it's my turn. I'm getting mine!

Now we can watch Martin!

Now you ask me, sir, what qualify me to run for Vice President.

Now you need a ride from an ignorant ******.

Now, back to the Jay Z song already in progress.

Now, before I go, I got one more thing to say:

Now, contrary to popular belief, politics is no place to express yourself.

Now, he and Vice President Lewis are in a statistical dead heat.

Now, how in the hell does this guy help the party?

Now, I've been Vice President for the last eight years.

Now, this is the White House if Gilliam is elected.

Now, we'll lose, of course, but the minorities will be happy.

Now, you know you need to stop.

Of the United States of America.

Of the United States of America.

Oh, my God, you are everywhere. Look at you!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. I'm having too much fun. I got to get back to work.

Okay.

Okay. I got to go.

On the count of three, I want everybody to take care of their own damn kids!

One of the most dramatic campaign finales of all time.

One of you all will drive me home because my bike is messed up.

One question here.

Our American children's futures are at stake here.

Our next question comes from

Over there.

Over to the hands of an amateur.

Paid for by Osama Bin Laden.

Pay attention. This is going to be a class: Bullshit 101.

People are saying these ads are dirty politics. Give me a small break!

People come to me when they in trouble, like the USA.

People got to make money and get to work.

People that make eggs, milk, cheese...

People would be cheering if I read the recipe for corn bread.

People, Armageddon is upon us and Big Dave is scared.

Play the game when you're working for them.

Please welcome presidential candidate Mays Gilliam.

Political analysts say this may be too little, too late.

Prescription drugs, I'll lower the prices. Let me explain something else to you.

Presidential candidate Gilliam is shaking it up.

Presidential candidate Senator Gaines...

Protestors took their concerns to transit officials...

Put your hands up in the air and step away from Mr. Gilliam!

Regarding the shutdown of the 9th Ward bus line.

Relevant?

Remember, sir, just nod and move. Nod and move.

Right there is the Jefferson Memorial.

Say cheese!

Security!

Security!

Security.

Send him in.

Shake that ass, Grandma!

Shannon is taking over your district.

Sharon Stone is a defector.

She better get out, it's going to blow!

She just showed up.

Shit, it's not working!

Shorty G!

Show me a man that's never said shit, I'll show you someone full of shit!

Shut up. You want to win, you'll do what I tell you.

Since I've been here, you haven't really given me any assignments.

Sir, it's time we prepare for a debate.

Sir, we really should debate.

Sitting on chrome doves, with TVs in the headrests...

Six percent are undecided, saying...

Slick, I don't vote. You gonna buy some of this meat, or what?

So don't worry about Lewis, don't worry about the press...

So we commissioned our own team of super whores.

So we concede the election to Lewis?

So, baby brother, this is it. You ready?

So, in closing...

So, tonight I want to say: "God bless America, and everybody else!"

Some of the world's best talent was there:

Somebody make sure she gets home safely.

Something is wrong here.

Something's happened. We got to pack and get out of here!

Sorry I'm late. I had to change.

Sources say the Teamsters may endorse Lewis.

Speak.

Stop worrying. This will work out fine. Bye.

Superman! Saving lives and stuff.

Sure, I'd love to work on a presidential campaign.

Surprised you're not somewhere with your girlfriend.

Sweet.

Take a cab!

Taking everybody's pension, and nobody going to jail.

Talk to them, make it look like you believe in what you're saying.

Tell the people that!

Thank you for inviting me to the Player's Ball!

Thank you, here you go.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you, children.

That ain't right!

That ain't right!

That ain't right!

That ain't right!

That ain't right.

That guy right there! Don't trust him!

That is some bullshit.

That man has been Vice President for eight years.

That may be, but he won't debate you because you call him a little bitch.

That means even if he loses he's the frontrunner in 2008.

That shit you pulled over there cost the city money.

That we need billions of dollars to protect ourselves, I'm an amateur.

That will return us to an America we can be proud of.

That's a punk move. Ducking and hiding like a little bitch!

That's another reason he's not qualified.

That's exactly what we wanted to talk to you about.

That's my brother.

That's some bullshit. Ain't it?

That's the Treasury.

That's what I said.

That's what Washington insiders want to know after Gilliam's chief advisor...

That's what your ass get.

That's what your problem is. You got to work with us.

That's why I don't smoke.

That's why we picked him.

That's why we want you. You care about the little people.

The 2005 Presidential Inaugural Ball.

The babysitter has to take her child to daycare.

The better the education, they become more productive citizens.

The big question: Where is Mays Gilliam?

The candidates have agreed upon a short closing speech.

The first question is directed by coin flip to the Vice President.

The first thing I'll do is make you my First Lady.

The horses wear blinders.

The minorities will be happy and they will vote for us in 2008...

The minorities will be the majority. The smartest thing we can do...

The nanny has to take her child to a babysitter.

The night before the election.

The only reason I accepted this engagement ring from you in the first place...

The pension.

The people can't decide. The people are too busy getting shot in the ass.

The people that started the Underground Railroad were amateurs.

The people you meet tonight have plenty of it.

The press is in Lewis' back pocket.

The problem is, nobody reads the books.

The race for President is over.

The race for President is over.

The race for President now turns to the West Coast.

The reason Gilliam hasn't responded is because he has too much integrity.

The savings and loan, the airline industry.

The situation is getting tense with the threat of the bus line being shut down.

The stage is set for what will be...

The stars at night are big and bright

The Teamsters haven't endorsed Lewis yet. Our numbers are going up.

The thing to do is to set the party up for the next election.

The thing to do is to set the party up for the next election.

The United States is changing. America is changing.

The whole world! God bless you!

The working mother has to take her child to a nanny.

Then you didn't call everybody.

There are 250 million people out there deciding who to vote for.

There is no question that Lewis has Texas.

There is no way in the world I could have ever done this without you.

There seems to be an agreement...

There won't be another black candidate for 50 years.

There's a couple of people I want you to meet.

There's a Mitch Gilliam outside. He says he's your brother.

There's about one and a half hours left at the West Coast polls.

There's been an outcry that something needs to be done about school violence.

There's no such thing as white collar crime.

There's nothing in there. We got work to do.

These folks will do everything they can to help you get elected.

They act like us. We're bombing countries all the time.

They ain't stealing their money, they stealing our money!

They all know Lewis didn't want to debate you. Show them why.

They come from all around just for one handshake

They don't even see each other. They just run their race.

They don't know who they're voting for, they just know it's not Gilliam.

They gave Magic Johnson AIDS, turned Michael Jackson white.

They had a speech written for me...

They need to smooth over the mall situation, that bus thing is heating up.

They responded.

They should have known better than to talk on a cell phone in a plane.

They shut down the whole bus line. What can he do about that?

They shut up Muhammad Ali and Richard Pryor.

They sure don't want me to be the next President.

They take a poll for everything I do.

They want to cut bus service until they finish construction. I should go.

They were just talking about your ward.

They wouldn't do that, baby! They know we're in here.

They're the everyday common folk, working people. Laborers.

Think about it.

This ain't you. You gonna say this shit? This shit is booty.

This could be a hot button issue for both parties.

This could work in our favor. Florida is a big Second Amendment state.

This fellow, Gilliam, is an alderman from D.C.

This is a big joke, right?

This is a great spot.

This is all your fault!

This is America, see?

This is as far as you're going to get!

This is Conservative Talk 520. You're listening to Big Dave.

This is messed up This really sucks

This is my neighborhood, where I'm from. I got my first bike stolen right there.

This is my new headquarters.

This is my time.

This is Nicollette White, she's your executive director of internal Liaisons.

This is not your campaign.

This is serious. This is not the Player's Ball.

This is Shorty G. I arrested his ass. I thought you got the chair, boy.

This is the White House without Mays Gilliam. Peaceful, isn't it?

This is what we wanted.

This is your campaign. You're supposed to be in charge.

This is your decoy, Mays Junior. He enters events before you.

This isn't a circus, it's a presidential election.

This isn't just an election. It's a moment.

This looks like it may come down to California.

This looks like it may come down to California.

Three Crabpots and five Powerballs.

Throw your hands in the air

To accept the party's nomination...

To lead America, it takes experience.

To run for President.

To turn this fine vehicle we call America...

To violent materials?

Tonight you have seen two different men...

Tonight, America will get its first impressions of Mays Gilliam.

Tonight, no matter what, win or lose, I want to see you.

Tonight, smile, shake hands, and be nice to the wives.

Track four. Check out track four.

Traveling all over the country and meeting all those people?

Trying to be like you, hero! What's up, man? Saving kittens?

Tupac could have used a guy like you.

Turn it off!

Unless they give me a job in that new mall they're building.

Vice President Brian Lewis still holds a commanding 84 percent.

Vice President Lewis has finally agreed to one debate...

Vice President Lewis won the coin toss.

Vice President Lewis...

Vice President Lewis...

Vote for Gaines and James.

Wait a minute, that's my car!

Wait up.

Wait, come back!

Wait. Here they come.

We bail people out. We bail out Mexico...

We can get rid of the school thing with a statement that will blow things over.

We can run a background check...

We can't mingle with the guests. Plus, I don't know you.

We can't take it. You sell malt liquor to kids.

We could do it by the tulips. It'll be beautiful

We could write our own vows!

We didn't take it, we gave her $40,000.

We find a candidate, he'll back him.

We got a couple of freaks over there.

We got tired of getting caught up in sex scandals...

We got to kiss this bitch.

We got work to do. We way behind in the polls.

We have a plane waiting for us.

We interrupt the Jay Z song to bring you this special bulletin.

We just got endorsements from Raekwon the Chef...

We know what happened today. We know you lost your job.

We need a candidate that will put on a good show.

We need to put some laws on the Nelly video.

We need to start putting laws on videos...

We need to study this issue, and appropriate legislation...

We now return you to the Jay Z song already in progress.

We really had a great time.

We should go with something measured, accurate. Let's call him on his record!

We stand a chance if you call your connections to the energy companies

We start campaigning tomorrow. We'll be all over the country.

We want to make sure when they get out that they stay out.

We want you to be the nominee for the office of President...

We want you to be the nominee for the office of President...

We won! Aren't you happy?

We won! We did it! Yes!

We'd like you to do something for us.

We'd like you to run for President.

We'd like you to run for President.

We'll lose this one.

We're gonna do it the way I want it done.

We're here to help. The people really like you.

We're not joking.

We're not talking about running a rib shack but a country!

We're the government. We know everything.

We've got a nice check for you.

Welcome to New York City for the 2004 Presidential Debates.

Welcome to the show, Alderman Gilliam.

Welcome to your campaign headquarters.

Well, that depends.

What about NATO?

What am I going to do?

What are you doing here?

What are you doing here?

What are you doing here?

What are you doing talking to the help?

What are you worried about? Your face isn't on the side of a bus.

What can you do when you're feeling low

What can you do when you're feeling low

What did you expect? They would just make you President?

What do you have there?

What do you have to say about your brother's controversial comments?

What do you plan to do about taxes?

What do you plan to do about this?

What do you want?

What happened to Gaines?

What is it?

What kind of display was that?

What kind of house is she supposed to get with $40,000? A crack house?

What now?

What steps should be taken to limit our youth's access...

What the hell is he doing?

What the....

What's going on down there?

What's going on?

What's it like...

What's my clothes have to do with.... Are you seeing somebody else?

What's the first thing you're going to do, Mr. President?

What's the matter with this speech?

What's the matter?

What's the matter?

What's up with this guy?

What's up, Warren?

What's your problem? I'm ready, okay?

Whatever. Cats got nine lives. She'll be fine.

When I have a son, I hope he's fortunate enough to get stuck up right there.

When I see it I think about the guy who has to scrub Lincoln's balls for minimum wage.

When I see that, I think of our forefathers fighting to make this country what it is.

When I was a kid, my daddy caught me smoking...

When I went in there I wasn't thinking about being a hero.

When I'm President, I'll take care of you.

When it comes to creating a drug policy that makes crack and heroin...

When it comes to creating so many enemies...

When it comes to paying farmers not to grow food...

When the country is in trouble, I'll bail them out.

When you get out there, listen to the crowd.

Where are we going?

Where are we on this running mate thing?

Where I majored in Theater and Communications.

Where's Mitch?

Which America?

While people in this country starve every day, I'm an amateur.

Who am I supposed to pick? Nobody wants to run with me.

Who are the backbone and the spirit of this great land of ours.

Who are you to call this place a rattrap?

Who did you call?

Who do you trust?

Who have you guys chosen to run against Lewis?

Who said I was quitting?

Who the fuck you think I'm voting for?

Who the hell is Mays Gilliam?

Who will replace him?

Who will run a race they know they can't win?

Whose baby is this? It ain't mine!

Whose mama? Not my mama!

Why am I not out there driving a damn bus?

Why are you out here since inmates don't have the right to vote?

Why can't you just play the game? Wear a suit!

Why do I have to have bad credit? Can't I be saving up for a car or for school?

Why do you have to be so negative?

Why don't you cop one of these pork chops?

Will I get another speech anytime soon?

Will now be played by Muhammad Muhammad Muhammad.

With his new controversial campaign ads.

With over 10,000 gun deaths per year in the United States...

With the polls about 30 minutes from closing on the East Coast...

With two very different points of view, battle to win your vote.

Work two jobs just to have enough money to be broke?

Would you like our reception to be buffet style or formal seating?

Yeah, but I don't even know what I'm all about.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

Yeah, it's over now.

Yeah, sure.

Yeah!

Yeah? Well, I got us this far!

Yes, sir.

Yes, you did. We're having a debate. A debate ain't nothing but an argument.

Yes.

Yo, Lewis! Your mother's got a really big ass!

Yo, what's up? I'm Osama Bin Laden.

You ain't talking about my clothes.

You all need to stop.

You all will get a big laugh out of this. You know what? I don't care.

You an American?

You are so lucky. You don't know how good you got it.

You been talking, but when they gonna let you speak your mind?

You better come correct.

You better not tell!

You call yourself whores!

You can cut into Lewis' numbers. Talk about the kids, not about the guns.

You can go to war when you're 18, but you can't have a drink till you're 21!

You can raise taxes, start a war....

You can run, but you can't hide.

You can survive a stroke...

You can't challenge his record when Mays doesn't have one.

You can't just pick some guy...

You can't trust nobody. Everybody's trying to rob you. Nobody!

You can't use food stamps to buy tires.

You couldn't find a congressman...

You do what I tell you to, or you'll be back in D.C. on your bicycle.

You don't even see my face.

You don't mind, do you?

You ever been to a horserace? My dad used to take me when I was little.

You get 25 points in the polls, consider it a win.

You get California, you get the election.

You gonna get yours! I'll tell Ma!

You got a damn nub!

You got it?

You got just enough money to get your broke ass home...

You got my word.

You got time to jog, but not to debate?

You got your job same way I got mine.

You gotta get to the back of the bus.

You guess? You don't know? You either ready or you ain't.

You guys couldn't find anybody else to run? You couldn't find nobody?

You have no Washington experience, no political experience or connections.

You have some people to talk to. Tomorrow, work.

You have to get the endorsement. You said you want to win.

You just represent yourself.

You knew about this all along?

You know nothing about Nato? I know nothing about NATO.

You know what they say about first impressions.

You know what you need.

You know you messed up, man.

You like the way your campaign is going?

You need anything? Because it look like you need some help.

You never know, you may look up someday, and it might not be there.

You said it was your brother. I did my homework as well, okay?

You said we needed somebody who can help the party.

You seem like a nice girl.

You show up to get your pension, they give you a pen!

You suck!

You thought you'd leave your kids a will, now you'll leave them a won't!

You too, buddy, old pal.

You took the lady's house. Can you at least let her get her cat?

You turned the party out. I have never seen anything like that.

You want to get in, you got to fit in.

You, my friend, are an amateur!

You're 18 years old. You go to war.

You're always talking about, "God bless America, and no place else."

You're an alderman. You work with the people.

You're here to lose.

You're in this as thick as I am. Of course he's supposed to lose!

You're lucky.

You're not calling me an ignorant ******...

You're not gonna believe this. We got the Teamsters!

You're on with Big Dave.

You're probably right.

You're right, Vice President Lewis. I am an amateur.

You're running for the vice presidency. You're a bail bondsman.

You're the man! You ain't got to worry about no assassinations or nothing.

You've got a lot of nerve hanging up on me.

You've got five weeks left.

You've only got a minute!

You've seen churches burnt to the ground, dogs sicced on kids...

You've seen Malcolm X and JFK killed.

Young versus old. What's better than this?

Your coming out party. Campaigns cost money.

Your girlfriend is on hold.

Your mother's ass is so big, when she sits down she's three feet taller.

20 percent black, 21 percent Asian, 39 percent Hispanic.

"Fuh buh"? Fubu.

A word from our sponsor. We want to debate!

Am I getting paid for this? Yeah.

Are you an American? Yes.

Bad? Yes, sir.

Boy, I'm proud of you! Mr. President! Mr. Vice President.

But it's a Chinese food restaurant. So, what's with the fried rice?

Can I get a good night kiss? No.

Can I have a massage? Yes!

Can we do this? We're the government. We can do anything.

Can't you let somebody go check? We already looked.

Connelly? Boys.

Don't you play with me like that. I'm not playing.

Don't you remember? It was on the news! Not my news.

Fix it! Get to work. I'm trying.

For President. Of what?

Foreign Affairs? No, not Foreign Affairs.

Good evening, sir. What's up, Nikki?

Got tickets to the symphony. Really?

Hall and Oates! The Fat Boys, Rob Base.

Have you decided on a running mate? We're thinking about it.

He talked about your mother! So what?

Hello? Good morning, Mr. President.

Hello? You up?

Hold on a second, I got another call. You better not put me on hold.

Hold on a second. How could you put me on hold?

How about a cripple? I don't think so, Charlie.

How do you propose we do that? Watch this.

I believe the Alderman is over his time. You had eight years to talk.

I can do something. No!

I can't do it. But it's Election Day!

I can't stress that enough. Alderman Gilliam?

I like you, sir. Shut up.

I love you, man! I love you, too.

I voted for big business. I voted for Lewis.

I wish we'd get into the White House. To have a cookout?

I wish you luck, sir. Arigatou.

I'll take a T bone. You like gizzards, too?

I'll talk to you later. Bye. All right.

I'm coming! She's coming!

Is this good? It's great.

It is late, I'm out of here. You need to take a cab.

It's like that? That's the way it is.

Just okay? I'm just playing.

just some finger foods. Thought that was you.

Know what I mean? I like you for you.

Let's dance. I have to work.

Let's get this thing going. Come on.

Lisa, I need some help in here! Will you wait a damn minute?

Lord, we're going to jail. We're not going to jail.

McMasters? Big boys.

Mr. Earl, nice to see you. Nice to see you too, sir.

Nice car. Ain't it, though?

No, it isn't. Yes, it is!

Of the United States. Of what?

Of what? Of America.

Of what? The United States.

Oh, my God! We've got to stop him.

Should we call Hammer? No.

Show them how you do it. The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire

So you can blow up the bus line? One thing at a time.

So, where are you off to now? I'm not even sure.

Stay focused. Take your time.

Stop being in such a hurry. We've been here all morning.

That ain't right! Right! So, let me get this straight.

That ain't right! Where is the nub?

That went well. Very touching.

That's great, little brother! They'll announce it at a press conference.

The kids liked me. You were very genuine.

The Million Babies Mamas March? It's a very good cause.

These girls are good. Good morning, Mays.

They don't trust you. I'm not the one stealing people's houses.

They liked it. I don't care what they liked.

They're getting nervous. We've got to do something.

This is amazing! It's amazing.

We already have gun licensing. But that's only to carry the gun.

We picked you because Shut up!

What about Mosley? Girls.

What about Sanderson? That's a joke.

What are your plans for Social Security? Give it to old people.

What do you think you're doing? Stop it.

What does she do? She sleeps with you.

What the hell are you doing? What the hell are you doing?

What the hell is this? Where's Mays?

What time is it? I think it's a little after 7:00.

What was it, Mr. Hawkins? The bus.

What you were up against. The odds!

What's going on? I'm leaving you! That's what's going on.

Who did you vote for? For what?

Who doesn't like a hero? Big business loves a hero!

Why did you change the channel? He's scared!

Why'd your brother make you anchorman? I don't have

Yeah, but you like it, right? A little.

Yes, it is. No, it isn't.

Yes, it is. No, it isn't.

You didn't see me on the news? No, I didn't.

You know me. No, I don't know you.

You should consider Sanders. We're considering several options.

You the man! You the woman!

You'll be in good hands. Pleased to meet you, sir.

"Crib Malt Liquor, just like Mama used to make"?

"God bless America, and no place else."

"I have a dream that one day...

"this nation will rise up...

$10 on three.

$20 trillion one, $20 trillion two....