Good Morning, Vietnam (1987) Edit

A bar brawl, that's one, Cronauer.

A conviction on a charge of treason against the United States

A friend?

A little conference here, Wilk. A little conference, time out, everyone.

A little dignity!

A little of this: Whoo whoo whoo.

A South Vietnamese boy with you and Garlick.

A woman by the river going,

Absolutely not.

Adrian Cronauer is on temporary assignment

Adrian Cronauer is on temporary assignment,

Adrian Cronauer, Gls, a wacky and welcome addition...

Adrian Cronauer.

Adrian Cronauer.

Affirmative, sir.

AFRS Radio is owned and operated by the United States government

After that country's unilateral declaration of independence.

AFVN better than AFVD, which means you have to get a quick shot.

Aha!

Airman Cronauer requesting you to elaborate.

All of a sudden you...

All of a sudden, Well, I got drunk. All of a sudden, I went for a tattoo.

All right, guys, let's say goodbye to the radio star!

All right, in Saigon today, according to official sources,

All right, this is Adrian Cronauer. I'm on at 6:00 and again at 4.

All right!

All right?

All right.

All the news that's new and approved by the U.S. Army,

Also Elizab... Queen Elizabeth, Liz...

Also Elizab... Queen Elizabeth, Liz...

Also, tea would fall into that category.

Also, the pope decided today to release Vatican related bath products.

Always rinse you razor with cold water instead of hot.

American personnel can check out a book

An incredible coincidence, some more songs.

An incredible thing. Yes, it's the new Pope on a Rope.

An Loc? Shit.

An Loc. And Cronauer would definitely be going along?

An Loc. His pass say An Loc.

And Airman Adrian Cronauer is going home today.

And all that's gonna be left in here are a couple of brain dead rednecks,

And as far as polkas, they are a much maligned musical taste.

And bearing a striking resemblance to myself

And company clerk.

And Ethel Merman jams Russian radar.

And fire department responded at what's believed to be unofficial

And for trusting, you is the best of the gently of what you say

And get ready for the Ho Chi Minh two step.

And goddamn it and stupid and crap.

And how lucky for me. Thank you very much for playing.

And I consider him a good, close personal friend.

And I don't want it dependent on a disc jockey.

And I gotta get on a plane and we have to do with what we can.

And I literally think that you owe it to all of them

And I'd like to get to know all of you

And I'll be filling in until he arrives, hopefully, sometime this morning.

And I'm stupid enough to save your bullshit life at An Loc.

And if you do happen to speak with him,

And it makes me a little nervous.

And my older brother, who be 29 years old, he dead.

And now here are the headlines.

And now they tell me that my best friend is the goddamn enemy.

And operates on an assigned carrier frequency of 540 at 749 megahertz.

And perhaps some night, we could maybe get together

And play those tapes on the radio?

And should describe the contents of your duffel.

And some sort of social infection that doesn't go away.

And thanks so much for joining us.

And then try and take her into a bed.

And they buy her some expensive food, and then lie about money.

And they won't be off the sand till November. Ha ha ha! Bada bing!

And Third Man Theme on the Kirk I nternational...

And this is just radio.

And this one is brought to you by our friends at the Pentagon.

And try and cook him down, maybe a little barbecue.

And two men whose identities are still not known were unofficially dead.

And we learned a lot from you.

And we're having a major difficulty in finding the enemy.

And what fun would that be?

And which Marx brother would that be, private? Zeppo?

And who gave anyone permission to program modern music?

And whoever says yes, we shoot them.

And yet this boy can get in and out without a scratch.

And you.

And you're also very quiet.

And your selections will be mailed to you.

And, well, comedy is a kind of hobby of mine.

Andy Williams, Perry Como and certain ballads by Mr. Frank Sinatra.

Antics, damn it. Comedy of errors, like the Keystone Kops falling down.

Any girl who wants me this bad, I can't let her down.

Any movement on the Walter Brennan thing?

Anyway, he's the man that you don't want to aggravate.

Are asked to contact Lieutenant Sam Scheer.

Are asked to do so no later than August 13th

Are you planning, sir, to take some of the marijuana back to the United States?

Arf! Easy, girl, easy.

As all duffels look alike.

As I leave Vietnam today there is no doubt, certainly, in my mind...

Asking for Cronauer's reinstatement.

At 0600 hours and 1600 hours to hear that lunatic.

At ease. I'm General Taylor.

At this present moment.

Attention, shoppers. People, people, settle.

Aw, no. Ha ha ha.

Baby, help me, please.

Barring any change in the weather,

Basically, we talk, Hey, man, what's happening?

Because I intend to take issue with your performance.

Because I thought a certain segment of the men

Because it gets you on your toes better than a strong cup of cappuccino.

Because it's not.

Because sometimes he Stan Getz...

Because we not human to them.

Because, basically, I believe that that man is a misunderstood genius.

Been harassing me since the day I got off the plane.

Beyond sight and sound.

Big fucking deal.

Bob likes a big room, sir.

Bookworms, Headquarters Support Activities Saigon

Boston. You know who sang the song My Guy?

Britain imposed an oil embargo on Rhodesia today

Bullshit. I know Nixon personally.

But facts are facts.

But he left a farewell message for all you guys out there

But I can easily play an occasional Gary Lewis record.

But I warn you, you not like it when you get there.

But I'd like to delve into something slightly more personal

But I'm gonna turn you over right now to Mr. Excitement.

But I'm gonna turn you over right now to Mr. Warmth, Dan The Tan Levitan.

But my father's nice and he's not funny either.

But not before his humour cost the lives of three very fine individuals.

But regardless of what you read, airman,

But then do it by using comedy and humour.

But this stuff you wrote, it's not funny, sir. It's sad.

But watch the liberties you take.

But what about the silent masses who do?

But you're not crazy, you're mean.

But, boy, do I have a surprise for you.

But, hey, such is life. Me, I'm not much with power tools.

By having you write down your name, address,

By the food and flower vendors where you burn your mouth on the noodles.

Bye, bye bye.

Call me crazy, he's in Rome.

Campbell's.

Can I help you?

Can we have...? Is there a psychiatrist here?

Can we please not get into this right now? You're in the middle of a show.

Can we try, My boyfriend's back? Anybody?

Can you believe the shape of those gals? Girls.

Can you envision some fairly unattractive alternatives?

Can you say something funny right this minute?

Can you tell us what you've found out about the enemy since you've been here?

Can't see dick.

Captain Hauk sucks the sweat off a dead man's balls.

Chaperons.

Chattanooga Choo Choo, Meet Me In Chicago,

Cleveland? Vietnam's not that much of a change for you, then.

Come on, let me buy you a couple of beers. How about it?

Come on, pal, we'll make it.

Come on, sir. I n a couple of weeks, this'll be easy for you.

Come on, this is not the Catskills.

Come on, Wilkie, it's cursing class.

Come on, yes.

Come on, you're on in like two seconds.

Coming your way.

Corner of Viet Ho and Hguen Van Theiuh streets here in Saigon.

Could not drive in a convertible on highways.

Cowgirls are called gals.

Cretan camouflage.

CRONAUER [IN NORMAL VOICE]: Here's a coincidence:

CRONAUER [ON TAPE]: Well, I didn't make that suggestion, sir.

CRONAUER [SINGING]: Here she comes

CRONAUER [YELLS ON RADIO]: Good morning, Vietnam.

CRONAUER [YELLS ON TAPE]: Goodbye, Vietnam.

Cronauer, I'm sorry as hell about this thing.

CRONAUER: A very well hung Chihuahua.

CRONAUER: A khaki eclipse. TUAN: I better go now.

CRONAUER: All right! Thank you.

CRONAUER: Are you always this happy?

CRONAUER: Basically, it's hotter than a snake's ass in a waggon round up.

CRONAUER: Either of our names Earl? He calls everybody Earl.

CRONAUER: Have you considered a sex change?

CRONAUER: Here's a riddle for you.

CRONAUER: Hey, I'm Adrian Cronauer. I'm on again at 1600.

CRONAUER: How can you fight a war in this shit?

CRONAUER: How would you describe your sex life with your wife, Pat?

CRONAUER: I have to admit something to you.

CRONAUER: I was wondering if you could do your Mister Ed, because...

CRONAUER: I'm impressed.

CRONAUER: If I don't get to class,

CRONAUER: Is that a new rule? GARLICK: No, old rule.

CRONAUER: Jesus, enough.

CRONAUER: Look.

CRONAUER: Oh, Edward, I'm in love. Think she likes seafood?

CRONAUER: Okay, everybody, let's play ball!

CRONAUER: Real homey, in an opium kind of way.

CRONAUER: Shit. GARLICK: One more time.

CRONAUER: Sir?

CRONAUER: So this is the country where they grow rattan love seats.

CRONAUER: So, what's wrong with that? TUAN: It's more devout here.

CRONAUER: Sounds like a couple of cops in Brooklyn,

CRONAUER: Thank you for that concise political commentary,

CRONAUER: Thank you. Hey.

CRONAUER: Under the Boardwalk, you know that one?

CRONAUER: Very good. All right, now. All right, let's recap now, okay.

CRONAUER: Warm? No, this is a setting for London broil.

CRONAUER: We're not in Kansas anymore, Toto.

CRONAUER: We've got a special man in the audience today, it's Mr. Leo.

CRONAUER: Well, first thing, Garlick, is you gotta requisition a new name.

CRONAUER: What are they doing? Oh, they're Buddhists.

CRONAUER: What do you think you'll do, Ed...

CRONAUER: What, sir? Oh, my God.

CRONAUER: Who will do the Cronauer show?

CRONAUER: Why do you make every town sound like a Mexican restaurant?

CRONAUER: Will you cut that out? We're the same rank.

CRONAUER: You all played a good game.

CRONAUER: You okay? GARLICK: Yeah.

CRONAUER: You wanna give me a ride, or am I gonna have to buy another bike?

Cronauer!

Cub Scouts don't have heavy artillery.

Cut that thing off. I said cut it off.

Da Nang me, Da Nang me Why don't they get a rope and hang me?

Dan Levitan.

Dan Levitan. You've probably heard my radio show.

Dick, I've covered for you a lot of times because I thought you was a little crazy,

DICKERSON: No, sir, frankly, I do not understand.

DICKERSON: The man should be court martialled.

DICKERSON: This is not over yet.

DICKERSON: Wanna interview some Gls in the field, sir,

DICKERSON: Welcome back.

Didn't have to pick up the phones until he comes back.

Didn't know they had balls.

Didn't we meet last year at the Peninsula Club? No.

Didn't you ever wonder why you were pulled out

Didn't you hear? I cannot find you unless you talk to me.

Dig in. Mm mm.

DISPATCHER [OVER RADIO]: Fire 4, there's a fire in the landing

DISPATCHER [OVER RADIO]: Four twenty seven as far as...

Do you ever wonder how a young South Vietnamese boy

Do you have any idea how ridiculous it makes me look

Do you like good food?

Do you really expect me to run this radio station

Doesn't mean you're like going:

Don't build him up. You'll let them down.

Don't disappoint your...

Don't get crazy over this, Dick. We're only talking about a damn deejay.

Don't get me wrong, he seems like a nice guy,

Don't go near there. Get away from the river, stay away.

Don't ruin it by conjuring up images of Dale Evans, all right?

Don't try to do comedy. It's not in your blood.

Don't you understand, Dick?

DREIWITZ [ON RADIO]: All star rookie Pete Rose's three hits...

Dreiwitz, I've assigned you to cover the PC.

Dreiwitz, I've assigned you to cover the PC.

DREIWITZ: Coming up at the top of the hour.

DREIWITZ: I tell you, this guy's funny. I'm trying to run a meeting here.

DREIWITZ: Please welcome to the microphone, the lieutenant of laughs,

Due respect, sir.

Due to luggage lost on transport carriers.

E.g., Hey, Hauk, eat a bag of shit. You suck.

Earl, oh, you again. No more fighting, okay?

Easy, Madge.

Eddie Kirk here, and Ray Conniff jubilee coming up in just a few moments.

Eddie, sometimes you got to go out of your way to get into trouble.

Edward, don't you ever do anything that's not by the book?

Edward, I tried to tell the truth and they kicked me off the air.

Edward, please. That's two nasty words in one year.

Elizabeth Taylor. Elizabeth Taylor.

End of an inning.

Enemy? What is enemy?

Ethel Merman today uses a test to jam Russian radar.

Even encapsulated in two seconds, my life is dull.

Even saying that means I don't know dick.

Every GI in this country is glued to his radio twice a day

Everybody say gook, but it's all right.

Excuse me, sir.

Feels like the Mouseketeers show. Annette, Cubby, Roy.

Filling in for my buddy, vacationing Eddie Kirk,

First of all, don't make fun of the weather here.

First thing I'd like to know is what subject this is.

Five months in Saigon, my best friend turns out to be a VC.

Five thirty, it's very early. I may have to hurt you.

Flip them a bird!

Flip them the bird.

For crying out loud, man, this isn't brain surgery.

For me, I want to do something different.

For my good friend Frenchy.

For the men in the field.

For those of you recovering from a hangover, that's gonna sound just right.

Forget it, will you? Listen, I give up.

Forget memos, forget memos. These are pretty women coming.

Former President Eisenhower, actually cartoon character Elmer Fudd.

Former Vice President Richard Nixon's in town.

Former VP Richard Nixon will arrive here this week.

Former VP Richard Nixon will arrive here this week.

Frankly, I found your I love a police action remark way out of line.

Freddie and the Dreamers.

Friends of Phan Duc Tho.

From now on, the fighting men of Vietnam

Furthermore, you are to stick to playing normal modes of music.

G2, Corporal Tiser, sir.

Gambia, Singapore and the Maldive Islands join the United Nations.

Garlick, will you cut it out?

GARLICK: Adrian Cronauer.

GARLICK: From a Marine in Da Nang:

GARLICK: Heh heh heh. I like you already, sir.

GARLICK: I can't, sir. CRONAUER: You don't understand.

GARLICK: I learned enough about radio stations.

GARLICK: I'd like an explanation.

GARLICK: I'll work on that, sir.

GARLICK: I'm Private First Class Edward Montesque Garlick, sir.

GARLICK: It's just down the hall. CRONAUER: Yeah.

GARLICK: That's another person, sir.

GARLICK: This is a nightmare. CRONAUER: I don't know.

GARLICK: Try it again.

GARLICK: We got one call from some guy in Wichita

GARLICK: We're here, sir. Jimmy Wah's.

GARLICK: You think we've reached Cambodia yet?

Genius? What are you saying to me?

Gentlemen, I don't know... Oh, my God, these lips.

Gentlemen, what can I say but hi.

Get a job. Right. We got it, you're cooking now.

Get back here!

Get back.

Get off. Go, go, go.

Get somebody good, The Beach Boys. Don't dick around.

Gets into and out of VC held territory?

Give it a go, give it a go.

Go into conference. That point. That fence.

God only knows what they'd say, sir.

God, I've gotta be with her, at least till she learns my name.

God, is it hot.

God!

God. Nude photographs of Walter Brennan.

Goddamn it, I like you, son. I like what you do.

Goddamn it.

Good God, help me. Work through it.

Good morning, Vietnam? What the heck is that supposed to mean?

Good morning, Vietnam.

Got an agreement on Guam. Sounds like bird droppings.

Great and manifold are our blessings today.

Great Britain recognised the island state of Singapore.

Great week.

Greetings and salutations to any and all servicemen in the area

Guam, sir? There's nothing going on in Guam.

Guess who the hell I got in here.

Guys, I'd like you to meet our new deejay, Adrian Cronauer.

Ha, ha. Thank you so much, Adrian.

HAUK: Sir, if it is my programming choices, I can change.

HAUK: We simply need to consider taking him off the air.

He came to us because of prostrate problems

He could end up an MIA, and then we'd all be put on KP.

He did a very off colour parody of former VP Nixon.

He didn't show up for work today either.

He likes to say PC instead of press conference.

He lugs a trainload of shit behind him that would fertilise the Sinai.

He maliciously and with purposeful intent read unofficial news.

He reminds me a lot of Donna Reed, especially around the eyes.

He says he wants to buy naked photographs of the actor.

He was a commander of an elite special forces unit.

He was quoted as saying,

He's a fashion consultant for the Army.

He's a friend from my class who risked his ass to save my life.

He's a little goofy, but he's okay.

He's also one of your roommates, so if I were you, I'd think about suicide.

He's an exhilarating personality, and polkas are just no substitute.

He's currently wanted by the South Vietnamese police

He's disobeyed orders as to style and content.

He's impeccably clean.

He's left Crete. He's entered the demilitarised zone.

He's not out till you have both halves of the ball.

He's read unofficial news. What's he gonna be like in six months?

He's the first man in the history of Armed Forces Radio to get fan mail.

Heading north.

Heavily fortified and considered very unsafe, sir.

Heh, heh. You know, it's like wearing stripes and plaid.

Hello, campers. Remember, Monday is malaria day.

Hello, class. My name is Adrian Cronauer.

Hello, hello, hello. This is your chaplain, Captain Noel,

Hello, hey. Well, the gang's all here, huh? Ha, ha.

Hello, Vietnam, and greetings.

Help me get some photo of those ankle, I give you my bar.

Here it is, coming for you now. Quick news flash.

Here they come at you right now.

Here to get something, leaving when you not get it.

Here you go, there you go. Hey, got one? For you.

Here your beer.

Here's a brief test of that jamming.

Here's a little James Brown coming your way.

Here's how you do it, Slip me some skin. Put your hand out there.

Here's something exciting:

Here's the weather. We're gonna go to Roosevelt E. Roosevelt.

Hey, 12, please. Um...

Hey, baby, what's happening? Let's groove.

Hey, come on now, if you kick out the gooks,

Hey, Cronauer, say, Good morning, Vietnam.

Hey, fellas, how's the cough drop business?

Hey, guys.

Hey, hey, hey, come on now.

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, hey. Hey, Uncle Phil.

Hey, hi, can you help me? What's your name?

Hey, I like you. I just wanna be your friend, okay?

Hey, I'll be... I wanna be your pal. Here, okay, I'll eat it.

Hey, I'll take whatever you can give because I'm just happy to be with you.

Hey, it's another delightful day here in vacation land.

Hey, let me ask you a question. What is the appeal of Joey Bishop?

Hey, listen, I know there's no way.

Hey, Mr. O'Malley, O'Malley. You know, the Irish Dolby twins.

Hey, nah, hey, nah, my boyfriend's back. Can we try that one?

Hey, that was the great exciting sound of Petula Clark.

Hey, that wraps it up for me, Marty Lee Dreiwitz.

Hey, there we go, for you. Here we go, for you all.

Hey, there you are, Cronauer.

Hey, this is not a test. This is rock 'n' roll.

Hey, we got a great show coming your way today.

Hey, we're back.

Hey, we're going right now to the news.

Hey, what kind of news are you leaving me there?

Hey, where's he going?

Hey, you two Earl. What about couple beer?

Hey.

Hey. That's Nixon.

Hi, Earl, good to see you again.

Hi, hi, hi.

Hi, this is Marty Lee Dreiwitz at Cronauer Control Centre.

Hi, what's your name? [SHOUTS] Bob Fliber!

Hi.

Hi. How's Lynn doing?

His father and brother was killed by French long ago.

Hmm.

Ho Chi Minh

Ho Chi Minh, Colonel Sanders, actually the same person?

Hold on, how big is this thing? Hold on, how big is this?

Hotter things is my shorts.

How am I gonna get this girl to go out with me?

How am I gonna get to first base with this girl?

How can some person look like a shit?

How can you have the gall to compare the conflict here in Vietnam

How come I don't get one?

How do we know it's Adrian Cronauer?

How do you recognise an island?

How easy is it gonna be to get him off the air then?

How would you describe your testicles?

How would you do that?

How you doing? You could fly to Guam with those.

Hubert Humphrey visits Capitol Hill. A children's story.

I also recognise your species of soldier.

I am a lieutenant and I would like salutes occasionally.

I am the authorities, you moron.

I call it a jubilee. Actually, it's a Ray Conniff featurette.

I can come up with alternatives other than Crete.

I can only tell you about how you can talk on maybe the real streets of America.

I can't believe you.

I can't believe you're gonna pass on this. The man is a goddamn subversive.

I can't even make fun of Richard Nixon.

I can't really teach English.

I come home in a box.

I could cook things in it. Crotch pot cooking.

I damn near busted a gut laughing at him. And the troops, they love him.

I deserve to be notified of any changes that are made.

I do nothing.

I don't care about polkas. They're rioting in Hue.

I don't know what that means.

I don't know what to say.

I don't know what to say. We're gonna maybe drop in a little napalm

I don't know what's gonna happen, man. I don't know.

I don't know where they are. I don't even know where am.

I don't know, lieutenant.

I don't know, lieutenant. I guess it means good morning, uh, Vietnam.

I don't like what you say or how you say it.

I don't like your style, your politics or your sense of humour.

I don't recommend that you tangle with me on this one.

I don't think anybody would see you fall through a radio, sir.

I don't think seeing your little production of Our Town is gonna cheer me up.

I don't think you understand me, Sparky. Ahem.

I don't wanna be around when he broadcasts U.S. Troop movements.

I don't want makes you nervous, Cronauer.

I expect every minute of the VP's PC

I feel like a fox in a chicken coop.

I fought to get you into that bar, and then you blow the fucking place up!

I gave you my friendship and my trust

I go out with girls who talk so much you can hook them up to a wind turbine

I got it. Jerry Vale. He closes the Copa on the 18th.

I got people stuck in places they haven't even considered how to get out of yet.

I got something I gotta do.

I gotta get her something.

I gotta tell you something, you know.

I guess I get inside, hit these air conditioners. I get a little dizzy.

I guess that beach movie really impressed her, huh?

I had a guy like you in the field one time. He blew himself to pieces.

I have arranged for an honourable discharge

I have never ever, in my travels, come across a man as large as you

I have no idea what that means, sir, but it seems very negative to me.

I have over 15 years command experience in this Army.

I have to leave the country because of my association with him.

I just came from Crete with women that look like Zorba.

I just remain reticent.

I just wanna report the truth. It'd be a nice change of pace.

I just want you to know one thing,

I just wanted to think that you should...

I know about the bombings, Sparky.

I know Americans.

I know because she's my sister.

I know you very nice.

I made a date with you and Trinh tomorrow.

I may go downtown, look for a Vietnamese man named Phil.

I mean, I don't know. It's the Irish boy.

I mean, I know funny, and I don't think you're it.

I mean, the man's not funny. I know funny and he's not funny.

I n fact, it's 2 degrees cooler today than yesterday.

I n the dictionary, under asshole, it says, See him.

I n the eight weeks he's been on the air, general,

I n time, you will make me forget it.

I n Vietnam, family often come to meet someone, to meet someone.

I n your shopping trip.

I ncidentally, you're on the air in about ten seconds.

I never thought I'd find women attractive again.

I not think be not correct of way. Please, okay?

I recommend you pack quietly.

I said it is none of your goddamn business.

I said, who brought in the fucking gook?

I saw one of those guys, their orange robes, burst into flames.

I say tomato, you say cây tomat.

I screw up once more, Dickerson sends me into the field.

I see your point.

I still can't believe she really wants to see me.

I think he sounds exactly like Mister Ed. You be the judge.

I think some apologies are in order.

I think that I see a pattern forming here.

I think that's not fair to him.

I think the troops are trying to tell us something, fellas.

I think this fall, the discerning GI is gonna be wearing green in the jungle.

I thought it was hilarious.

I trust you, man, it's just that I can't eat something that looks like a cesspool.

I trusted you.

I try to find Cronauer. He don't show up in class.

I understand you're pretty funny as a deejay.

I wanna kiss his ring and have it go:

I want to say goodbye before you go.

I want to see him ASAP.

I want to show you something very nice.

I want to tell you something.

I want to turn in the ball to the original place.

I want your bags packed and ready to go tomorrow afternoon.

I wanted to wait until the airman left to talk with you.

I was almost killed.

I was sent here on very strict orders from a colonel.

I was thinking of something else.

I won't forget you.

I would like to buy some cheese and some butter.

I would, however, love to buy you lunch, maybe look at a family album.

I wouldn't buy an apple from the son of a bitch,

I'd like you to collate these one minute spots prior to broadcast.

I'll burn you so bad you'll wish you died as a child.

I'll do fine. Comedy is what you make it.

I'm afraid you're gonna be hitting bottom, sir.

I'm certain that I'm a Catholic boy, and I don't know when I'll be getting laid.

I'm gonna give you the old chuck on the shoulder now.

I'm gonna phone it in, okay? Enough bullshit. I'm out of here. See you.

I'm gonna take myself out of the driver's seat,

I'm informing you that you're out of here.

I'm interested in the girl, not in you playing Dear Abby.

I'm just going off to Vietnam.

I'm not going on.

I'm not gonna cover for you this time, son.

I'm O... O... O... O'Malley. He's good... Oh, he's good.

I'm pretty sure you can step on crap. I once saw it in a French movie.

I'm real good at stuff like that.

I'm saying I'm through, Ed.

I'm sorry, son.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. What're you gonna do about it, asshole?

I'm sorry. You look like Lynn's friend from Toledo.

I'm tired of people telling me what I can't say.

I'm waiting to die.

I'm with you, man. I'm on your frequency.

I've been all around the world, seen a lot of places and a lot of people.

I've been broadcasting the polkas

I've been on a Greek island with women who look like Zorba.

I've been on the air for four hours. I'm hungry.

I've been trying to tell him that it's no go, but he won't listen.

I've got pages and pages of great material.

I've had no actual...

I've taken 90 calls this morning. They just don't like Hauk.

I've wanted girls like that, but I've had trouble as a young child.

I've... I'll never have them.

If a field radio...

If anything screws up, it's my ass in the mower.

If it isn't funny, then why did I hear you laughing when you typed it?

If it's being done correctly here or abroad, it's probably not being done by the Army.

If someone in America comes up and says,

If something's really nice, you say it's groovy.

If the engine's humming, it's already started.

If this is legitimate, it must go through proper channels.

If you can't stop in and select your own books,

If you don't understand, you should take my English class.

If you haven't noticed, the Army doesn't really want me, Ed.

If you say that, hey, some people in a car, some gypsies, they cut you off.

If you two have personal problems, solve them, will you?

If you wanna blend into a crowd of drunken Greeks, there's nothing better.

If you wanna continue to have a brother, you take me to him now!

If you're going to be dressing in civilian clothes, don't forget pumps.

If you're walking on the streets of New York and someone says,

In connection with several bombings in the area,

In Ku Bai, Da Nang, Phung Tao, Saigon, Bien Hoa and San Treng.

Including the one at Jimmy Wah's.

Is it true that there is a marijuana problem here in Vietnam?

Is that me, or does that sound like an Presley movie?

Isn't that funny? You like that too?

It doesn't make a damn whether you play polkas or don't play polkas.

It involves Cronauer, which makes me suspicious immediately.

It is hazardous and has been for about 48 hours.

It just came down the pike. You're back on the air, sir.

It says goodbye to everybody staying behind.

It says... What sizes you got? You got large, medium and Caucasian.

It was a pleasure making your acquaintance, sir.

It zoomed right by, just the way they say it does.

It'll be okay.

It's 0600. What's the O stand for? Oh, my God, it's early.

It's 1629 hours here in Saigon

It's a bathing cap. I just like to put a bathing cap.

It's a greeting. It's like, How are you doing? Slip me some skin.

It's a privilege to take comedy notes from a man of your stature.

It's a simple rule.

It's a stupid thing to do, isn't it?

It's all yours, you got it.

It's called fun. What's that? Come on.

It's cool, no big deal. Look.

It's dangerous out there.

It's Hanoi Hannah.

It's like, Wow, baby. I don't know what's going down.

It's not a pretty picture. There's pieces of rubber all over his face.

It's not a very pretty picture. There's horns everywhere.

It's that hot. You know?

It's the guys in the field that matter, remember?

It's time for Adrian Cronauer.

It's unbelievable.

It's very difficult to find a Vietnamese man named Charlie.

It's women in comfortable shoes. Thank you.

Jeez! Shit! God. Oh, hot.

Jesus, that guy's as boring as whale shit.

Joey Bishop. I wish someone would explain this one to me.

Join the Army and mark things.

Just a moment, come on.

Just cool your tongue, airman,

Just don't let it happen again.

Just don't let it happen again.

Just moments before the whole place blew up?

Just say that that kind of music was inappropriate?

Just so we can book a big name comedian.

Keep your eye on the fruit.

KIRK [ON RADIO]: Shuffle Off to Buffalo, The Sidewalks of New York.

KIRK: A form of humour, sir. LEVITAN: Hackensack.

KIRK: I will tell him, sir. Didn't I speak to you before?

KIRK: It's working. McPHERSON: Oh, yeah, this way, please.

KIRK: Oh, what a dude.

KIRK: We're happy with him too, sir.

KIRK: Yes, sir. LEVITAN: How the hell do I know?

Knock yourselves out.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the new voice of Saigon,

Larry, Pisces. Thank you very much.

Left, left, left, right, left.

Let me make it up to you by buying a cup of coffee.

Let me put it to you this way. He's got this thing for Walter Brennan.

Let's be friends, okay? Come on.

Let's get down to business here, general. What is going on here?

Let's go whether it's a double or a daiquiri.

Let's pull her right back down. Let's try it faster, see if that picks it up.

Let's try a little phrase, uh, I like to call:

Let's try a very special situation. Wilkie, something special, okay?

LEVITAN [ON RADIO]: So take your liberties,

LEVITAN [ON RADIO]: This is AFRS, Radio Saigon.

LEVITAN: Levitan. WOMAN: Levitan.

LEVITAN: My name is Levitan. Can you say that?

LEVITAN: To avoid razor burn problems,

Lieutenant Scheer asks those men with waterlogged mitts

Lieutenant Schneer...

Like hunting with Ray Charles.

Listen, his life is in danger. You gotta tell me where the hell he is.

Listen, I gotta talk to you. Now. Come on.

Listen, if you have any problems here now, you come see me.

Listen, jerk off, we're here fighting for your country.

Listen, no more games, okay?

Listen, Sparky,

Listen.

Look at the shape of that soldier ankle, the way it so elegantly curve into his boot.

Look at this thing. A little Italian party favour there.

Look at this thing. This is going like, Yeah, check it out.

Look out, I'm singing, everybody. I'm singing.

Look, I caught his show on the Isle of Crete, and this guy is funny.

Look, Italian moon launch.

Lost luggage.

Made you look.

Major Kleiner requests that you do not describe your duffel,

MAN [ON RADIO]: Despite a letter of intention.

MAN [ON RADIO]: Has signed Les Crane to a talk show.

MAN 1: Hey, hey, man, hey! MAN 2: Get him.

MAN 1: Yeah, that's right, man. MAN 2: Hurry up, man.

MAN 3: All right.

MAN 4: Hey, sarge, where are the women?

Man, he's gonna say goodbye to the whole goddamn country now.

MAN: Groovy. Yes.

MAN: Let's go. MP 1: Come on, get back.

MAN: Oh, my God!

MAN: To recover contents such as shoes, socks and undergarments.

MAN: We got a new man coming in.

Mantovani?

Maybe I can work in a station back home or something.

Maybe thousands of calls and letters each week, fan mail.

Mayday. Dragon lady with incredible figure at 11 o'clock, stop the car.

McPHERSON: It's... Turn it off now.

McPHERSON: Wouldn't work on radio, sir. See, sir?

MI NH: Thank you.

Military intelligence? There's a contradiction in terms.

Military politics. Nothing personal. The men like him better than they do you.

Minh!

Mission does involve... I think very appropriately.

More dire need of a blow job than any white man in history.

Most of all, I like what you've done for the men.

Moving on, moving on into the dawn with the dawn busters, yeah.

MP 2: Dead.

MP: If you attempt to deviate from the planned schedule,

MP: Okay.

Mr. Cronauer, we like your lessons better than the book's.

Mr. Nixon, while you've been in Vietnam, it's rumoured that you smoked marijuana.

My boyfriend's back and there's gonna be trouble.

My brother, okay, friends, but Vietnam ladies, not friends.

My country maybe no future.

My God, they're moving. I'm gonna flap my eyebrows to death.

My neighbour, dead. His wife, dead.

My thoughts exactly.

My... Ow. Shit.

Negative, sir. It is not.

Next thing you know, I'm on a fucking truck. What happened?

Nine, eight, seven, six...

NIXON [ON RADIO]: Whether the Vietcong will be defeated,

NIXON [ON RADIO]: It is unexciting sometimes.

NIXON [ON RADIO]: The United States has no right to give.

NIXON [ON TAPE]: And that this war will be won.

NIXON [OVER RADIO]: There is no place for neutrality

Nixon, Singapore, Lake Erie. Come on.

NIXON: Territory to the Communists.

NIXON: They lack the physical strength.

NIXON: They're soft, they're shallow

Nixon's press conference.

No fraternising with these girls in the memo.

No problem.

No problem.