Love Hard Edit

A big one.

A distinction that only really matters if you're from Alabama.

A hospital.

A lot of guys bet big on China Tire.

A piece of fiction.

A speech sequel, per se,

About a girl on the verge of completely giving up on love

About, um, love, and, uh, Josh,

Actually, Dad, it's not just a hobby.

Actually, I think I have something even better.

Actually, I think, um...

Actually, I was thinking maybe Natalie could put it up this year

After the most intense orgasm of your life.

Aggro?

Ah crap. I'm out of Twizzlers.

Ah, of course not.

Ah, that's funny, because I didn't know what to think

All I'm asking for is a week.

All right, fine, they're mine.

All right.

All right. Come on. [exhales] We gotta go. Don't want to be late.

All right. Time to go home. Stop looking at my brother.

Allow me to explain.

Along comes Ted, a Libra who likes puppies

Also! When you're talking to him, throw in some rock climbing lingo.

An aggressive climber. I climb all kinds of things like

An insensitive, attention seeking [inhales deeply] jerk?

And a head with two faces.

And after spending, uh, the last week with your beautiful bride to be,

And all the travel that it must involve.

And expecting different results.

And given the stuff we used to smoke in his basement after school,

And Gladys, you met Sinatra.

And he likes his girls the same way.

And how would you like that cooked?

And I didn't want to risk it.

And I honestly just...

And I was furious.

And I... I want you to make that rugged unicorn notice you, okay?

And I'm just gonna go to my family and come clean with everything.

And I've been,

And I've got you.

And instead, I found out how it begins.

And it's worth it because they fall in love

And maybe if I did, I'd finally see what's right in front of me,

And maybe that's been the problem all along. I mean...

And Natalie, I want you to meet my old friend Tag.

And now it all makes sense.

And offers to take me on a sunset sail

And Old Spice.

And one of them was my old English teacher.

And people seem to love that I can't find love.

And perhaps the ending to my story could be...

And see what would happen. I got 85 matches in five minutes.

And share the twisting trails

And she has seen more ass than a church pew.

And so, Sarah asked me, "Would you rather have a better memory or a bigger penis?"

And surprise a virtual stranger for the holidays.

And tell him E Rock says to pass the Dutch? [chuckles]

And that's not fair

And the glasses aren't doing him any favors.

And the guy who smiled all the time?

And the only way it ends for you

And then Hank there would prefer staying in over going out.

And then I look like the asshole? Your family is gonna be crushed.

And then starts a fake relationship online?

And then you go and do the exact same thing to me.

And then, once you do,

And then, your second. Okay?

And there's, like, a tiny little tinge of, hmm... gasoline?

And those teeth.

And what strengths are those?

And will the fact that I live in a nursing home turn off a lot of men?

And wondrous worlds I've known."

And you like me so much,

And you?

And your 50,000 frequent flier miles to go for it.

And...

And... and by the way,

Any questions?

Any questions?

Applebee's!

Applebee's.

Are you implying that this is my fault?

Are you saying you don't want to work at the store anymore?

Are you seriously looking for sympathy right now?

As of this moment right now, my disaster dating days are over.

As they are on paper. [chuckles, moans]

At least mine's not crooked.

Baked potato? I've got baked potatoes.

Bear with me. Um... [sniffs]

Because a business costs money.

Because God hates me.

Because I owed you an article, and I didn't want to get fired.

Because that's what I've been,

Because the only way it ends for them is disappointment.

Because this is going to be the most epic love story

Because you look so familiar. I... I just can't put my finger on it.

Because you usually run at the first sign of imperfection.

Being read to.

Being seen with you? That would be a huge win.

Besides, a deal's a deal. We've made it this far.

Besides, what do you have to lose? Huh?

Bobsledding?

But 50 percent of the US candle market is underserved.

But a deal's a deal. So let's just move on.

But fearing their power, Zeus split them into two separate parts,

But full disclosure, I can't see shit.

But he told the boys he broke it, protecting their presents from the Grinch.

But here's the thing.

But honestly, I'm not sure how much longer I can do this.

But I did have to make a couple of alterations. I hope she doesn't mind.

But I got a pretty great stepmom now, so...

But I'm pretty sure I qualified for the winter Olympics in Beijing. [chuckles]

But if you think about it, nothing's changed.

But it was still me.

But it's what I want to do with my life.

But Josh told me that he would help get me Tag

But modern dating online is even harder.

But more importantly, you're a good guy, Josh.

But now you're compromising your beliefs.

But on a positive note,

But personally, I find him so inspiring.

But relax, Dr. Foye is the best in town.

But Santa's actually kind of creepy when you think about it.

But Tag's a real meat and potatoes type of guy,

But thank you, Mr. Lin.

But that's why Soash Media exists

But then the insecurities creep in, and you start with a slight exaggeration.

But this time, I realized that in order to find true love,

But when I got here, I realized that the guy

But you gotta trust me.

But you know what they say. When you know, you know.

But you should be thankful because it's why you have a job.

But you told me to stand up for myself, and... and it worked!

But you were a lie.

But you'll get the ending you need.

But you're a good kid with a big heart,

But... you like it.

By Chef Boyardee and my good friends Ben and Jerry.

By the way, do you have insurance? They were asking me.

Bye, sweetie. Love you.

Cali Asskicker.

Can you believe that J Dog is getting married?

Careful! Careful! Careful! That's a wax warmer for candle making.

Chels, the baby barely has a heartbeat, let alone ears.

Chin up, brother bear.

Class president, prom king, star of the football team.

Climb you later! [chuckles]

Come on in, come on. Join us for breakfast. We just sat down.

Come on, Grandma. Just ask Mom to help. Okay? She loves that place.

Come on, Kerry, answer the phone.

Come on, show me.

Come on.

Come on. [chuckles] There's six pictures on his profile.

Condemning humans to spend the rest of their lives

Congratulations.

Correct.

Couple biscuits under the tree for you if you like.

Dad, come on.

Dad? Hit it.

Damn flue always gets stuck.

Did I fly from LA to surprise him for Christmas?

Did you just jump? You really stuck the landing.

Did you really think sexy karaoke was going to work?

Did you see how my parents looked at me tonight

Did you see the look on Josh's face? I'm the furthest thing from all right.

Didn't.

Die Hard is not a Christmas movie.

Dishonest

Do I have to mention my Parkinson's?

Do I really need to explain?

Do we have something special? Yes.

Do you even climb?

Do you still have your original profile photos?

Don't be afraid to be you. Natalie.

Don't find out anything before Christmas, and you're golden.

Don't worry, I'll sell it.

Don't worry. They're very used to me disappointing them.

Down at Shimmering Pines, she joined one called Gray Play,

Dude, that's his cousin.

Dude. You're holding an ax. You literally look like an ax murderer.

Duh, first class, honey. I'm not a peasant.

E Rock! My mom really did invite everybody in town. Huh?

E Rock?

Either I'm the unluckiest woman in the world,

Eucalyptus. I love eucalyptus.

Even if his apartment smells like bong water.

Even with the three hour time difference.

Every conversation we had, every text we exchanged,

Every time it rang one year, he was like, "Is that the Mormons?"

Everyone, really. I...

Everyone's miserable, though.

Everything will be fine. Just trust me.

Ew. I hated that documentary.

Exactly what you'd expect.

Falling in love with a version of you that doesn't exist.

Fanatical about self control, not to mention a total hypocrite,

Fill out the form to your left and drop it in the after hours slot when you're done.

Finding someone to spend the rest of my life with.

Fine. I'll get a Lyft.

Flies across the country and shows up on somebody's front lawn?

For one, you have very nice eyes.

For the first time,

For years, I've been chronicling my disaster dates

Forgot my luggage. So I'm gonna...

Former chubster, huh?

From my stepmom's side, so that would technically make us step cousins.

Gas is so expensive.

Gee, I mean, um...

Get it to me!

Get up.

Getting a feeling.

Girlfriend. Wow. It's... it's so, so nice to meet you.

Give me truth."

Glenlivet 12, neat.

Gnarly?

Go! Go, go, go, go, go, go!

God, you were such a cutie, Josh. Look at that rat tail. Do you see that?

God.

Good evening. Any questions on the menu?

Good night.

Good night.

Good work, Josh.

Got food in your teeth. You might wanna... [clicks tongue]

Grandma June makes candles?

Grandma, the car's that way!

Grandma, where are you going?

Grandma! That's the wrong way!

Grandpa.

Guys can do things besides hunt and pay for everything, okay?

Guys, come on. This is my favorite part.

Guys, I... I think you guys got the wrong idea.

Have a baby by next Thanksgiving.

Have we met before?

Having sex with her would literally kill her.

He always makes you sit on his lap.

He does that every single, solitary time, even Halloween.

He doesn't even have a ring.

He ended up being 20 years older than his photos.

He knows the difference between there and they are, which you'd be surprised by.

He loves that shit.

He never says anything about his girlfriends, so...

He passed away last year, actually.

He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake.

He sounds like a great guy.

He used to climb up on the roof every Christmas Eve and stomp around

He was smart, funny, sweet, and he looked like him.

He was such a cutie!

He won't. I promise you that. Okay?

He would've liked this hike a lot...

He's a world traveler but hasn't been to any places on the watch list.

He's Asian American and speaks three languages.

He's from Game of Thrones.

He's gotten more chiseled in the last couple of years.

Height and facial symmetry are repulsive.

Hell yeah! Let's do it.

Her ability to ever be on The Bachelor,

Her sanity, her common sense,

Here is Bob.

Here, look at this.

Here, look.

Here. You left these inside.

Here's the deal. Things happen for...

Here's the thing.

Hey, babe. I want to introduce you to my parents.

Hey, bro, why don't you let me and Chels take this?

Hey, can you do me a favor? Can you give this to Josh

Hey, how's it going?

Hey, Josh, listen. About what I said last night, I...

Hey, Joshy!

Hey, listen, um...

Hey, not so fast. We need to talk.

Hey, um, grab me another one of these green apple thingies.

Hey, you two.

Hey.

Hey. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again

Hey. What are you doing?

Hi. Yeah. I'm, um, Natalie Bauer. I'm here to see Josh Lin.

Him hanging from the ceiling in Mission Impossible... Oh, drink!

His bio. He's passionate about life,

His family and Christmas.

His family took me in. I have never felt worse in my entire life.

His hands are freezing.

His photos. I took one look at that hair, that unique physique.

Hmm?

Hmm.

Hmm. When you found out you were getting catfished,

Holding today's newspaper with the date on it. Okay? Yeah.

Holy shit! I mean, this guy is, like, friggin' hot.

Honestly, I'm so over eating out. I prefer to just stay in and cook.

Honestly, your face was so swollen, you looked more like Chucky.

Honey, it's the only thing that matters.

Hors d'oeuvres?

Hot girls hit on him here all the time, and they're all the same.

How about the guy who kept calling your relationship a collab?

How are you feeling back there, Natalie?

How can I build my beautiful roof without Twizzlers?

How could you lie to me? I really liked you.

How do I make it clear

How is it that everyone has found the one, and I haven't?

How much is too much?

Huh!

Huh?

Huh? Right? Good thing Josh brought you in when he did, huh?

Humans were originally created with four arms, four legs,

I actually teach a survival course in Yosemite every summer.

I am not having sex with you.

I am so screwed!

I beg your pardon?

I can help you get him.

I can see the steam!

I can smell his aftershave.

I can teach you right here. I mean, how bad could you possibly be?

I can work with that.

I can't do this.

I could use your expertise in setting up my profile.

I couldn't be happier for you, son.

I did too.

I did. Hastag don't tell HR. Low key.

I don't care if this bed is the only thing keeping you from complete paralysis.

I don't complain.

I don't count carbs.

I don't even know where to start.

I don't judge. You love who you love.

I don't know if I have them.

I don't know. It... it doesn't feel right.

I don't need your mom. I need you.

I don't remember.

I doubt he'll recognize you.

I feel like this is gonna blow up in my face.

I find that very hard to believe.

I fired you four times. You just keep showing up.

I found out about this little soirée courtesy of Barb's Facebook page. Hello!

I go with, uh,

I got catfished,

I got you. One sec, baby girl.

I gotta say I'm surprised. [clears throat]

I gotta warn you,

I guess I never realized. I was so busy being mad at you

I had my profile up for a year, and guess how many matches I got.

I had to import Mark from Ohio, for God's sakes.

I hate him.

I hate to break it to you, but Tag is actually far from being perfect.

I have been pretending to be him for the last two weeks.

I heard about your night at the Flamingo.

I just can't, I'm sorry. I...

I just don't think you're the one to write it.

I just wanted you to know that

I keep thinking my perfect match has to be out there, just one click away.

I know a lot of girls who'd be very into you.

I know we haven't always seen eye to eye on things,

I know, it's not like helping someone ascend Everest

I know!

I know. I... It's the best I could find in your mom's closet.

I literally had to get stoned to get through it.

I love you, son, but you're terrible at selling sporting goods. [laughing]

I mean maybe. There's no titles yet.

I mean, I... I look like a deer in the headlights in this photo.

I mean, I'd like to add to your beautiful, beautiful speech

I mean, it'd be 40 bucks to get to Glendale, and that's only one way.

I mean, it's a... it's a dream come true.

I mean, she's not that bad, and Josh seems really into her.

I mean, that guy is everything that's wrong with Christmas.

I mean, you know,

I mean...

I met someone who's as perfect in person

I monitor them.

I need to be honest about who I am too,

I need your help. Go get dressed, and meet me at the car.

I never want to see you again. Okay?

I once broke my toe climbing out of bed. How am I gonna climb a wall?

I promise.

I put it up every year.

I run it now, but Josh is one of the salesmen.

I started making candles because of him in the first place.

I think being honest is always a good idea.

I think I'm gonna head back up to my room.

I think the whole family agrees that you've picked a winner!

I think this might be the real deal.

I think you should just let it go.

I thought I could use a picture of a standard hot guy

I thought to myself, "It's too good to be true."

I thought you guys said this was hard... [gasps]

I told you to stand up, not get down on one knee!

I used to come here every day with my golden retriever, Chewy.

I want to avoid mentioning that I'm in a wheelchair.

I was fixing the toilet downstairs. Girls like guys who fix things.

I was going for, like, a rugged look.

I was kind of a late bloomer too. [grunts]

I was really talking to was him.

I was the millionth customer at the Supermart. Hmm.

I was thinking for the next one, maybe we'll try something different. Like...

I was thinking maybe you can, um, pretend to be my girlfriend until Christmas.

I went to prom in a white windowless van.

I will change my lyrics so the song doesn't sound so, uh, **** y.

I will have the porterhouse.

I...

I... I actually didn't mean to call you. I was, um, hiking and...

I... I really, really do.

I... I think it could be a business.

I... I thought that my perfect match was here,

I... I... I don't know.

I... I... I thought your finger was gonna fall off, Dad, for sure!

I'd watch that.

I'll come back and fix it.

I'll get a different Uber. Thanks.

I'm an aggro.

I'm gonna fly to Lake Placid, New York.

I'm gonna get a juice. Want something?

I'm gonna head to the store real quick.

I'm gonna kill you.

I'm gonna stay up here and enjoy the view for a little while.

I'm gonna surprise Josh, and I'm gonna get my happy ending.

I'm just trying to point out that in some cultures,

I'm kidding. [giggles]

I'm Natalie's boss.

I'm not buying it.

I'm not going anywhere with you.

I'm not good at this kind of stuff, Josh.

I'm not one for speeches, so I'll keep this quick.

I'm out.

I'm pretty good at Photoshop.

I'm pretty sure that paperboy is gonna get fired over this.

I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry, son.

I'm sorry. I... I never meant for it to go this far. Okay?

I'm sorry. So, you haven't even met this dude yet?

I'm... I'm sorry, Dad.

I'm... I'm sorry. [scoffs] Lie?

I'm... I'm sorry. I got carried away in the moment.

I've been so focused on other people's dishonesty

I've turned my horrible love life into a successful online writing career.

If anyone gets it, it's me.

If I pretended to be his girlfriend for the holidays.

If I've learned anything,

If it wasn't for that, I'd be, [pfft] I don't know, uh,

If she wants to be in our family, I need to know who she is.

If you want him to notice you, do something different.

If you're not busy tomorrow morning, come meet me at Corbin Glen Park.

In first grade, he had a lazy eye and needed to wear an eye patch.

Instead of "has Parkinson's,"

Is everything okay?

Is he home?

Is he likes outdoorsy, adventurous women.

Is heartbreak.

Is that my baby?

Is this a joke?

Is this another intervention?

Is this how you boil your victims?

Is this insane? It's kind of insane.

Is unrecognizable.

Isn't that something you do together?

Isn't Thoreau the best?

It all started with a swipe.

It doesn't really matter.

It had my name on it. You wrote, "Bye, Natalie!"

It is the greatest Christmas movie of all time.

It just didn't really seem to be in the cards...

It just has to be honest.

It kind of happened?

It used to help me sleep, but I honestly can't

It was me.

It was wrong. I shouldn't have asked you to lie in the first place.

It'll help you relax. And it's your favorite song.

It'll show.

It's a date.

It's a dream I never dared to have for myself.

It's a friend of Josh's!

It's a pretty decent photo of you, though.

It's actually really sweet.

It's as if he's here in the room with us.

It's both.

It's carol singers.

It's cheaper to do cocaine and then run everywhere.

It's gonna help me relax. Gonna help me relax.

It's lame, I know.

It's like a... You know those [chuckles] blue collar mechanics guys

It's literally hours.

It's not lame.

It's not UPS! [laughing]

It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. Don't look backwards.

It's only two days till Christmas. Let's stage a breakup like we planned.

It's pretty much why I don't celebrate it.

It's that love doesn't have to be perfect.

It's the Mormons.

It's very expensive.

It's you.

It's, like, a tradition sort of thing. It's no big deal.

It's, uh, I mean, there's some gnar... like, gnarly climbing there.

It's... it's no big deal. It's just... it's just a hobby.

Jesus Christ.

Jesus, Nat! You only have your dating radius set to five miles.

Jesus!

Jiffy Lube is what I'm calling it.

Josh is imperfect, but yet you decided to stay?

Josh Lin is an old buddy of mine,

Josh Lin?

Josh Lin...

Josh, I... [laughing nervously]

Josh, this isn't all your fault. I mean...

Josh?

Josh.

Just act natural. We'll figure a way out. We just got to stick together. Okay?

Just because we're girlfriends now doesn't mean I won't fire you.

Just come up!

Just fill out the form, and someone will contact you.

Just go out with some Tinder tool and complain about him, please.

Just in time for Christmas.

Just mixing some new scents.

Just roll it lightly and scrunch.

Just say, "Into the group thing."

Just sit back, enjoy it.

Just text, text, send.

Kerry?

Kids in middle school used to ask me which chin I really used.

Ladders, um, houses, um, trees,

Ladders...

Lee?

Let's eat our eggs before they get cold.

Let's not forget the only reason I'm here is because you lied.

Let's recap for a second. You're holding a wrench, an ax, and some rope.

Likes to be? He has to be. He's a Pisces.

Listen, you're not the only one that can stalk people on the internet.

Look at that.

Look at you.

Look, I know you're scared, but you've got this.

Look, you don't have to say anything.

Look. Natalie,

Loves all things outdoors.

Make all the jokes you want,

Many of you've expressed interest in online dating.

May I have everyone's attention, please?

May I see yours? And can you show me Josh's?

May I... may I have everyone's attention, please?

Maybe if you're Bill Cosby.

Maybe you can do something for me in return.

Maybe, maybe I get it, you never dated a Chinese guy before, and you're in shock!

Me? [scoffs] Do I climb? I'll climb anything that moves.

Merry Christmas. Look at what I got you.

Mm!

Mm.

Mmm.

Mom, Dad, this is Natalie.

Mom? Dad?

Mostly ladders. [chuckles]

Music prevents stretch marks, Owen.

My apartment is still under renovation. It sustained a little smoke damage, so...

My family is pretty intense when it comes to Christmas presents.

My friend Darlene

My God, honey, you are gonna make a therapist very wealthy one day.

My grandson, Josh, and his fiancée Natalie.

My son wants to make candles,

My turn.

My, um, my mom, she used to read that to me when I was little.

Nacho cheese?

Natalie and I got this one, Dad.

Natalie Bauer.

Natalie, she didn't come to New York for love. She came here for a story.

Natalie, what're you doing?

Natalie, where's my next story? I'm assuming your next date is lined up.

Natalie! You coming or what?

Natalie?

Natalie.

Natalie. I... I know we haven't known each other for that long...

Natalie. My office, now.

Next thing you know, she's right next to me.

No need to oversell it.

No one loves a bathroom selfie! Also, why are you holding a wrench?

No problem.

No self respecting man's gonna buy those,

No wonder you only got three matches. You were hiding your strengths.

No, he's from that zombie show.

No, honey. Natalie is your brother's girlfriend.

No, I take everything back. You should write about this.

No, I want to.

No, I... I mean, um...

No, it doesn't matter what I like.

No, no, no, no, no. This cannot be happening.

No, they're not.

No, trust the guy who got you up here in the first place.

No, we haven't. We really haven't.

No! That's not what I'm saying at all.

No.

No.

No.

No. You know wh...

No. You look...

Not bad. Come on down.

Not Instagram models who count carbs.

Not only did Tag ask me to dinner tomorrow night,

Not only were Tag and I best friends until 8th grade,

Not the baby Jesus. Don't. Don't. No, no, no, no.

Not yet. Um...

Nothing's changed?

Now, if you'll please excuse me, I have bags to pack.

Now, the first half of you are going to be really, really happy.

Of anybody you've ever dated before, so...

Of driving a white, windowless van by a playground.

Oh God, this is how I die. I'm gonna die. This is... this is it. This is it for me.

Oh my God, Lee would be eating his freakin' words.

Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!

Oh my God.

Oh my God. [laughing]

Oh my God. Are you... are you his "G Word"?

Oh my God. The mother of all ironies is

Oh my goodness. Um.

Oh my! This... this is just off the charts. Look at you!

Oh no, it's true.

Oh shit!

Oh shit. Stay down. Stay down.

Oh shoot.

Oh yeah, that's what we're gonna do. I'm calling him to get a photo.

Oh, and, uh, who do we have here?

Oh, bacon?

Oh, but it wasn't just the photos that ensnared me.

Oh, come here, come here. Come on, come on, Grandma.

Oh, he noticed me tonight.

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.

Oh, I'm sure you look absolutely beautiful.

Oh, I'm...

Oh, is she Grandma's new nurse?

Oh, it fits perfect!

Oh, it's just an online dating app.

Oh, just candles I made. It's... it's nothing.

Oh, look! It's going to print! Little lovebirds.

Oh, please, help yourself to anything.

Oh, son!

Oh, sorry, that's just for me.

Oh, thank you, Grandma.

Oh, that's my dad.

Oh, the gig economy's no joke.

Oh, this is Natalie.

Oh, this is not the date. It's just a warm up.

Oh, uh, Natalie, can you please hand me my... my wrench?

Oh, um, E Rock says "pass the dutch."

Oh, we are so excited to have you join the family!

Oh, we... This is a Christmas miracle.

Oh, would you like to help me with kindling?

Oh, you're his girlfriend?

Oh, you're serious? You don't celebrate Christmas?

Oh, you're... you're... you're serious.

Oh!

Oh! I've never felt more alive!

Oh! Thank God you're not dead.

Oh! Well, that is awesome.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. [chuckles]

Oh. Hey... hey, Nat. Sweetie, I love you, but I gotta go. My sponsor's calling.

Oh. Okay. All right.

Oh. Um. Sure.

Oh. Yeah.

Okay, all right, show's over. Nothing to see here, all right?

Okay, great.

Okay, it's not... it's not what you think.

Okay, look, I... I can explain.

Okay, okay. Come here. Come here.

Okay, okay. I think... I think we should tell them.

Okay, relax. It's not like I'm opening up a slaughterhouse.

Okay, so I'll eat a potato.

Okay, up next, we have Natalie doing

Okay, you're crazy.

Okay? All right?

Okay? I promise.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. Can you please just turn the radio off? [scoffs]

Okay. Okay. I think I actually know a trick to get you down,

Okay. Pretending to like rock climbing or a book, that's one thing.

Okay. The first thing you need to know about Tag

Okay. Well, enough of that. [chuckles]

Okay. What'd you say?

Okay. You just have to relax.

Onto your third.

Ooh yeah, uh, grab me a Green Latifah with an extra shot of wheatgrass.

Ooh! Maverick just disobeyed an order! Chug!

Ooh. Hi.

Ooh. Yeah, well, looks like now it's just for me.

Or "My diet starts tomorrow."

Or my picker is broken.

Or providing scuba gear for the Great Barrier Reef,

Or the person who murdered Colonel Mustard in the library?

Or to show them that things could be, you know, so, so much worse.

Other side, baby. It's your mark.

Over my cold, dead, lifeless body. I'm not singing that.

Owen and Chelsea, I just wanna say congratulations.

Owen seems psychotically into this.

Owen! Owen!

Owen's here! Now it's Christmas!

People used to fall in and out of love based solely upon the written word.

Perfect.

Please, sit.

Please?

Plus, he and my brother would just tease me about it.

Plus, I see this more as a business than a hobby.

Pretend you like it because that's Tag's favorite book.

Probably the only one in existence.

Promise me that when this is all over,

Put in your AirPods, and put on some music.

Put these in.

Quick question. What's a dick pic?

Ready to give this bad boy a go?

Really?

Really? [softly] Okay.

Relax? I can't relax. The tension is the only thing holding me together.

Remember, a disaster for you is a hit for me. Okay?

Remember, one move at a time.

Right, and you're vegetarian,

Savage! [clears throat]

Savage?

Screw Steve.

Searching for their other half, their soul's equal.

See, great things are done by a series of small things brought together.

Seeing you guys so happy in love and now pregnant. [chuckles]

Seriously, though, that train wreck was a little too much, even for me.

She's 70 now, and she has a pacemaker.

She's a writer for a Disaster Date column, and you're not her fiancé.

She's been playing you since day one, bro.

She's doing the rounds.

She's gone.

She's such a joker.

Shimmering Pines.

Shut up. Are you joking?

Since it's her first time here, and she's our guest and all.

Slowly walk backwards towards the edge of the wall.

Smells like freshly cut grass.

So anyway, I... I better get back to it.

So go make candles.

So go put these on because Tag is gonna be here any minute.

So how do you really feel about my favorite Christmas movie?

So I agreed, and I pretended to be someone that I'm not, but...

So I don't spend another evening

So I made one of him.

So just as an experiment,

So let's all raise a glass to future Mr. and Mrs. Lin,

So she risks it all.

So the boys knew Santa had arrived.

So what?

So where did you lovebirds rush off to last night?

So you tweak it just a little more

So, apparently, there's plenty of girls out there.

So, I created my own line of masculine candles