Cheaper by the Dozen Edit

A fat five year contract, housing allowance, moving expenses.

A happier and stronger family.

A year later, we had our first Nora.

Aah! I got him! I Oh! I don't got him!

About this whole having it all lifestyle that you and Mom are currently into...

Actually get to have a conversation without being interrupted by kids.

Actually, I just sent it to a friend who's in publishing, so we'll see.

Actually, I'm just gettin' started.

Actually, I'm serious.

After Charlie and Lorraine were born, we realized our dream of living in the city...

After that, Tom got a vasectomy.

All I'm saying is, families are inevitable.

All right, Appleschmear season is officially open.!

All right, but I have a plan. If we just take it one day at a time...

All right, charge!

All right, eight noes...

All right, focus on your navies and your grays.

All right, I hugged everybody. I love you all. One more hug, and you guys pass it on.

All right, the twins share, but everybody else gets their own room.

All right, we can vote.

All right, well, you look gorgeous in anything, Lorraine.

All right, you know, I'm just used to tag teaming to manage the mob.

All right? All right, thank you, sweetheart.

All right.

All right. All right. Come on. Break it up. Break it up.

All right. Let's set up over here, guys.

All right. No, I gotta go. I gotta go.

All righty, then.

An hour after I met him, I knew he was the one.

And a football team?

And a solid support system at home.

And after my sister died, I spent most of my time...

And do not set his pants on fire again.

And each day, it's the number of times I'm thankful there's such a thing as family.

And get this. University employees can send their kids to school for free.

And got all this.

And he's doing this because it's what he wants.

And I think we could use a little change around here...

And I want you to take this risk with me, because if you do...

And I'd just hate to break that up.

And if you start to get overwhelmed or the kids stage a coup...

And it tastes a bit like Tropicana.

And it's my colors and it's, um...

And it's only gonna take a couple of weeks.

And it's the number of kids we try to keep track of.

And it's the sweetest thing. They formed a little study group...

And no fires. And we sleep in the same room.

And on the end around, the guard pulls. That means you, Buttler.

And one you never see 'cause he's so mad.

And send up 1 2 pillows to 504?

And since I can't stay home without Shake bugging me...

And that means you're getting a diploma.

And that's a beauty! Mmm! Mmm!

And that's the way it's gonna be.

And that's what we got.

And that's why I turned down a lot of other coaching offers through the years.

And then I can just roll you across the floor.

And they're finally calling my number.

And they're helping each other, and, uh, it's like a little mini, uh...

And they're taking nothing for granted.

And we can talk out some offense variations.

And we're only goin' with the organic freshly squeezed...

And when they have a free moment, let my parents know that...

And you employed your son as a vomit mop.

And you have paparazzi?

And you're gonna have to, you know, shop for school supplies...

And, boom, comes on a commercial, and, bam, there's me.

And, in fact, it's more than a job to me.

And, kids, don't worry. Mom can be back from New York in two hours if something happens.

And, meanwhile, in by 1 0:00 on school nights. Clear?

And, O'Neal, you gotta crack the first guy that shows outside.

And, Tom, if you could please supervise this one last thing, I would really appreciate it.

And, uh, gets 'em psyched.

And, uh, I'm already on TV.

And, well, too many beers and nine months later, we had Mike.

Any idea what this could do to my program? Don't speak. Listen.

Appleschmear. It's the game my Great Grandma Gilbreth invented.

Are genetic traits that could be attributed to any number of the Baker ancestors.

Are you gonna make me?

Are you sure we're gonna fit in here, Dad?

As in a babysitter? Okay, that is so not happening.

As much as we wanted our big careers, we wanted our big family more.

As of this moment, you are all grounded.

Aside from being, like, a fashion guru...

Ask the kids to respect the perimeter around the LeBaron?

At least we get to see him on TV.

Autographs and everything? I mean, just the one commercial...

Back up. Back up. Nora. Nora, welcome.

Battle ax of a wife of mine?

Battle stations.

Be careful, pally. Slow down on that stuff.

Beans was a good frog.

Beans, you okay?

Because since I can't go to work without you guys getting in trouble...

Because the earlier we get it done, the bigger discount we get at the printer.

Because we wanted one perfect child...

Because... he didn't want you to be there on the day that he quits his job.

Before the procedure became effective.

Begin underwear soaking.

Black works, Mom. Jesus, like, has his funeral on Christmas.

Book signings, personal appearances.

Brazilian mud viper. She gets one live rat a week.

But by then, Tom and I were experts at managing chaos.

But having a small family was never an option for us.

But he didn't hear the doctor say that it would be a few weeks...

But he was a hopper.

But I need all of you, and I would appreciate it if you could just put on happy faces.

But I never expected 'em to sacrifice the way that I did.

But I'd kill for her all the time.

But I'll tell you what. One thing happens, and I'm gone.

But in the end, your mother and I are gonna do what we think is best for the family.

But it's going to cost everyone a month's allowance.

But not on not on the TV like it is.

But quit feeding us this line about being a happier and stronger family.

But this is a job I wanted since we left Chicago.

But we didn't think about that.

But we want some assurances.

But what if next time it's my face?

But you hit 'em too high. You wanna hit 'em low.

But you're the one who got me through.

But, Dad, check it out. This afternoon, Mike was repelling from the roof...

But, I mean, I gotta get a job.

But, you know, they hide in the bush and they get their shot.

By the way, when you show up for practice, don't be wearing that hat.

Bye.

Call me crazy, Pops, but things are getting pretty twisted around here.

Can you hurry?

Can't Tom handle the kids for a while?

Careful.

Charlie, I love you.

Charlie! Charlie, Charlie, stop.

Charlie?

Charlie's about to be expelled. And Nora taking time off from her first job to babysit?

Charlie's like a half a step away from juvie, and Mark's

Chief.

Chopsticks.

Coach, give us a quote.

Coach, what do you have to say to reports that you're simply spreading yourself too thin?

College guys? [ Gasps, Squeals ]

Come here. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Come on! Hustle up! Hustle up! Let's go!

Come on.

Come on.

Come on. Bring on the chin music, baby. Let's go. Let's go.

Come on. It's gonna be fun. I mean, your dream has come true.

Come on. Keep the assembly line up here. We gotta get this done.

Come on. Whatever happened to that stud...

Come over anytime, dude.

Cool.

Could deliver 1 2 children and still look as yummy as you do.

Could you go ask one of your sisters to help you?

Couple of weeks? Oh, no. I can't be away from the kids that long.

Cut. Good job. Okay?

Cute car seats, Baker. [ Chuckles ]

Dad, come on!

Dad, just call Mom and tell her we need her back home.

Dad, Nigel hit Kim with a dart, and I assume he will be punished.

Dad's a big boy, and he makes his own decisions...

Daddy, are you and Mommy gonna get a divorce?

Diane Phillips called. My book's getting published.

Did I mention I don't like you very much?

Did I tell you we're gonna have it all?

Did you not hear me? My brother is missing!

Dishwasher, now!

Do that again, I'm going to have to pound you.

Does that mean you don't want children?

Don't be ridiculous, honey. You know you can just pound the lumps out of a mattress.

Don't make a mess in the kitchen!

Don't start, okay?

Don't worry, Dylan. I swing from the chandelier all the time.

Dude, three words: paper route.

Dude, two words: need new skates.

Dylan's birthday party is coming up.

Even though you guys live near me now, I have my own life.

Everybody says the FedEx guy dropped me off...

Everything's great. We're a big, happy family.

Exactly when did you plan on telling us about moving?

Except for this part the raggedy, hand me down part.

Except that, of course, he was green and he ate flies.

Faster, faster, faster.!

Feel free to sleep on the couch.

Fine. Whatever. But one of my life goals...

First, Dad forces us to move.

Five minutes ago, she was sitting on my shoulders...

For a long time, you were the only person I could talk to.

For the record, I am so over Nora's hand me downs.

For you to be very, very quiet...

Forget it.

Frankly, I'm concerned, honey. The kids set me on fire, they beat me.

Funny, but wrong.

Get 'em dressed and and bathed so they're clean...

Get him off!. Get him off!.

Get him!

Get Jake those new skates, and get that new car we've been saving for.

Get my kids. I'll meet you at the house.

Get off me! Nobody cares about me!

Gil Gil, Decker and Rico are playing too loose at the corners.

Give me a pen. I'm gonna change some of these.

Giving up the dream, huh?

Go stir. You like to stir. Here, let's take a look at it.

Good morning, Tom.

Good, 'cause I'm sure payin' for your family.

Good. Good. Good.

Got the whole neighborhood out to say good bye, huh?

Guys, meet the family. Family, meet the team.

Hank says hi too. So, you guys are thinking about moving up here?

Hank slept over. Do you have a problem with that?

Have a safe flight.

He got his dream job, remember?

He hipped and he hopped.

He loved hip hop.

He wanted eight kids, I wanted eight kids. Bam.

He was a senior dreaming of becoming the head football coach there.

He was like, uh, one of the family.

He was resurrected on Easter, moron.

He was, uh, not like a lot of the bad frogs...

He's about, about about that high.

He's got red hair and glasses. There's a photo, and you can keep that.

Heads up, Hank!

Hello? Who's this?

Hello? Yeah, hi, Diane.

Hello. I'll just hang up on myself.

Hello. Yeah, could you do me a favor...

Here we go.

Here we go.

Here we go. Are you okay? I'll give you candy.

Here you go, Gunner. Are you hungry?

Here you go. Look alive.

Hey, Charlie, am I looking okay for national TV?

Hey, Charlie, come on down and help me with this, okay?

Hey, Charlie.

Hey, Charlie. Do me a favor and drive the Cutlass?

Hey, Dad.

Hey, Dylan. Wanna play catch with the football I got you?

Hey, Gil, I got a real shot with this team.

Hey, Gunner. Wanna get up on the bed, buddy? Huh?

Hey, guys. Remember Shake? We played college ball together.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Come here. Come here.

Hey, hey, respect the perimeter, kids. Come on. Respect

Hey, how's New York?

Hey, kids. How was your day at school?

Hey, Mark ran away. Is he with you?

Hey, teenager. You got caught on Mom radar last night.

Hey, what are you doin' here?

Hey, whoa, Tom. Tom, can we please, uh...

Hey, you know what? I've got a game I'm not nearly prepared for.

Hey, you know what? There was a pep rally at school today.

Hey, you two, knock it off!.

Hey! Hey, guess what? Fox Sports wants to interview me on TV!

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hi Oh.

Hi, Kimmy. Yeah, I I know I haven't been very friendly recently.

Hi, Lorraine.

Hi, Sarah. Is everything okay?

Hi. I'm Charlie Baker.

Hmm. Sounds exciting.

Ho, it's an apple! And now it's sauce.

Honey, could you take 1 0 pounds off me with that Photoshop thing?

Honey, he's he's really digging in.

Honey, I am an actor, okay? And, sure, last time it was just my pants.

Honey, she's just trying to have her own life.

Honey, that's just not an option right now.

How come we didn't have more kids?

How do you think they'll handle it?

How many kids? Well, uh, when you get here we can just count 'em up.

I always knew one of your kids would land on a milk carton.

I always loved the way you go for things, Tom.

I came by to tell 'em I got a job today at an ad agency.

I can handle it, even without the better half of the tag team.

I cleaned your clarinet. Please don't play with food in your mouth again.

I couldn't keep her off me.

I don't even know your family, loser.

I don't fit in this town, Dad. I'm going back to Midland.

I don't get this math homework.

I don't have a chess lesson, Mom.

I don't have to sit here and pay the price for your life choices. I'm leaving.

I don't wanna do it anymore.

I don't want any interruptions unless it's an emergency. Clear?

I don't want the players at your house, and I don't want your kids in the department.

I figured everybody hated me like Sarah and Lorraine hate each other.

I go around those kids, they start beatin' on me.

I got the net! [ Yells ]

I guess he's the funniest guy in the herd.

I guess the camera can't see my hips.

I have brought my work home with me.

I heard you were dissing my family.

I hope the family isn't to blame.

I just I can't believe you let things get this bad around here.

I just can't do that right now, not with all the work she's done.

I know you have responsibilities at home, Bake, but this is it.

I know you're all lit up about this new job...

I know, honey. I'm just worried. I've never left the kids

I know. I'm sorry.

I look great.

I love you.

I loved taking her to work with me.

I mean, how do they come up with that?

I mean, I will I will call It's just my wife is out of town.

I mean, it's kind of weird having all this free time.

I mean, really, with between the autograph hounds and the paparazzi

I need to hire some help.

I need warm water! Look out, Dad!

I only started acting, uh, a month ago...

I promise you, we will be...

I quit writing for the Tribune, and we moved to the country.

I read that most actors end up in the food service industry.

I really hated that chandelier.

I think I should be allotted at least five extra minutes in front of the mirror.

I thought so. Anybody else wanna take back their offer?

I want everybody in fancy, nice, clean clothes.

I want everybody out.

I want this one, Kate.

I want you to have the best life you can have.

I was a freshman dreaming of becoming a sports reporter.

I'd say the high point was that you're only 45 minutes late picking us up.

I'll be making enough money to do that, get you out of hand me downs...

I'll have officers check the train and bus stations.

I'll shoot it without her. I'll Photoshop her in.

I'll tell you what grounded is. Except for attending games...

I'll work something out.

I'm a quarterback.

I'm all right.

I'm doing the best I can. Please, let's talk later.

I'm gettin' there as soon as I can. Sorry.

I'm going to Dylan's birthday party. Who's with me?

I'm gonna go get ready.

I'm gonna have to call in some backup.

I'm gonna need everyone to pull their own weight.

I'm just I'm gonna miss 'em.

I'm man enough to admit it.

I'm not splitting them up. They're family.

I'm resigning after the season, Shake.

I'm so good looking. They set me on fire!

I'm sorry. I looked at myself in the camera.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I had to

I'm sure my family will pay to repaint it.

I'm you. Gunner, to the car!

I've got a big job, a job that I love.

If anyone gets the room across from me, it's Charlie.

If I could just harness that ingenuity and channel it into something constructive.

If I screw up raising my kids...

If it was goin' any better, there'd have to be two of me.

If that's okay with you.

If you can remember the lines I told you to say to Oprah.

If you can't remember, don't say anything. Big smiles. Let me see 'em.

If you want your shot at glory, if you wanna have it all, you do what you gotta do.

In '98, Nigel and Kyle got us to that crazy number 1 2.

In Midland, we were a family. Now we're a support system?

In that case, I totally take back what I said about the hand me downs.

In the living room, now!

In the meat soaking plot against Hank?

In various shallow but nonetheless pleasing ways.

Irresponsible is what this is.

Is anybody besides me thinking our happier and stronger life...

Is everything broken?

Is it working?

Is that the Midland house?

Is to indicate to the local community that...

Isn't that sweet? No.

It just wouldn't be fair.

It might be fun to babysit together.

It totally sucks. I miss you too...

It was just his pants.

It was my best birthday ever, Coach.

It's been reported that you like to blast music in your locker room. Why?

It's Gunner.

It's hard to believe someone as staggeringly beautiful as you...

It's like death or taxes.

It's like I can run from me, but I can't hide from me.

It's mine. Not ours mine.

It's really It's gettin' so as I can hardly go out in public anymore.

It's the number of games my husband Tom coaches at Lincoln College every season.

It's the number of job offers Tom turned down before we found one close to home.

It's the number of months my book was on the best seller list.

It's the number of times we zero out our bank account each year to make ends meet.

It's the real deal. The career is white hot, Tom. It's on fire.

It's their first day, so you know how nervous they're gonna be, all right?

It's your dream job, isn't it, honey?

It's, like, bam.! Bam.! You turn the channel. You're tryin' to...

It's, like, you expect to see yourself in the mirror...

Jake put a bucket on Jessica's head, and it's stuck.

Jake, do you have to wear black?

Jessica, can you get these plates and put 'em on the table, please?

Jessica, come here.! Check this out.!

Just big enough for two, Dad. How's your book going, Mom?

Just going with a different one.

Just Just Just 1 2.

Just start You just randomly start swatting

Just your pants.

Just... curiosity.

Kate, is this is this orange juice freshly squeezed?

Kate, we can finally get new furniture. We can get a new car.

Kids, on the carpet! Now!

Kids, please do not touch the LeBaron. Just had it detailed.

Kids?

Kim and Jessica, your teacher called and has made a request...

Kimmy, put Dad on.

Kyle and Nigel, you have a dentist's appointment at 3:00. You're goin' to work with Dad.

Let the police handle it! You'll never find him!

Let's check that attitude, Charlie.

Let's go!

Let's go.

Let's go. Oh, yes!

Let's just get through the next hour, okay?

Let's review, shall we?

Let's take a look, see if it's okay. [ Gasps ]

Let's talk to the kids.

Like like this lumpy old mattress.

Lincoln's a winning machine.

Little bit.

Little vampires, my plan worked.

Look at these They're monsters!

Look at this. New, clean cover...

Look, I am totally aware that this family doesn't value...

Look, let's just get something clear.

Look, your mom's not coming home for a couple of weeks.

Man, you're gettin' old and ugly.

Mark, why don't you I think you should say something.

Mark? Oh.

Mark's gone.

Maybe we can just roll, roll ourselves in duct tape...

Midland has been great for raising our kids...

Mike, stick!

Mike, you have show and tell today. And, please, honey...

Mmm. That'll be good.

Mom said it first.

Mom, Beans is dead.

Mom, it's Sarah.

Mom.!

Mom's gone. Weak old Dad is here.

Mom's losing it! I'm losing it!

Mom's right. He is a wiener.

Mommy!

Moo!

Moving is a big deal. We're very comfortable here. I get that.

Much cooler.

My favorite place in the world.

My son Mark ran away. He's not here, is he?

My, this is big.

Navy is muscle, gray is smarts. Choose either, and you'll rule the boardroom.

New York. Wow.

Nice move, FedEx.

Nigel was using Kim as a human dartboard...

No idea what that means.

No luck. I've been everywhere.

No need. Just come by anytime.

No peanut butter stains... yet.

No regrets?

No, it's the farthest thing from a happy family.

No, just a pair of knees. You finish?

No, Mark!

No, she knows the rules. She wants to have her own room when she's here.

No! No playing darts! I told you that!

No! Whoa, no!

No. Did you not hear me? I'm on TV!

No. I want a lot of things. So do you.

No. No way.

No. We have 1 2.

No. We'll come help you look.

No. You know what happened last time we visited.

Nobody cares about your stupid frog, FedEx.

Nobody gets Photo shopped in but Nora. Everybody be here by 4:00.

Nora Nora!

Nora and I are on a bit of an organic diet...

Nora, honey, you wanna help me in the kitchen?

Nora, stop! Yeah. Mm hmm.

Nora, where's that Band

Nora! Nora, we didn't want you to go.

Nora.! Come on.! We need you down here.!

Nora.! Would you please get in the LeBaron?

Nora's blind to his evil. We have no choice but to intervene.

Not exactly a mandate.

Nothing I achieve will matter much.

Now help your sister butter the toast.

Now I get to start all over again.

Now look what you did.

Now we have to take orders from Hank, the model/actor?

Now would be an excellent time...

Now, get dressed and get downstairs.

Now, go to bed!

Now, go upstairs and go to your rooms!

Now, I know this is gonna be a big strain.

Now, look, I know you're all scared.

Now, on the end around the guard pulls.

Now, when your mother leaves tomorrow...

Now, who was the mastermind...

Now.

Oh, and Shake Maguire, Tom's best man.

Oh, come on! Look at it!

Oh, disgusting! Where's the Band Aid?

Oh, everything's fine. I'm just, uh I'm just here. I'm just, uh, making dinner.

Oh, God. They're fast food people.

Oh, God. What the Mike's athletic cup?

Oh, honey! Oh!

Oh, I don't know. No. People can just buy it and then read it.

Oh, it's me. Yeah. My flight was delayed. They lost my luggage.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Can you guys just please wait till I leave the room?

Oh, my God! It's gonna blow!

Oh, no, no. That's the way Daddy likes it! Likes it hot and nice and spicy!

Oh, no, we'll call.

Oh, okay, yeah. I'm not even gonna touch that hypocrisy.

Oh, we'll find him. Like you said, 1 2's a big number.

Oh, well, I'm lucky to have him. We sure do.

Oh, yeah, Tom Baker's boy.

Oh, yeah. [ Groans ]

Oh!

Oh! Clean up on aisle 1 2! Anybody?

Oh! Pasta de la Crotch.

Oh. Hey, uh, you know what? They're doing homework right now...

Oh. I don't know, honey. A Division I coaching job...

Oh. Sorry, Coach.

Oh. What do you want?

Okay, Dad is stressed to the point of a total meltdown.

Okay, ease up. Everybody listen.

Okay, everybody, you know the drill.

Okay, guys, good job! Go inside and get cleaned up.

Okay, honey, thanks for doin' this. Give me someone.

Okay, I froze some dinners. And make sure they get to school on time.

Okay, I'll try and be there, honey.

Okay, I'm calling Oprah's people right now.

Okay, I've gotta go now.

Okay, look, why don't you just come over on Sunday, and we'll talk logistics.

Okay, uh, let's see. Who's next? Yes?

Okay, we will be in the living room. We got a lot of work to do.

Okay, well, I'll see you there.

Okay, well, just, you know, set up anywhere.

Okay. Now go do your homework. Let's go, guys.

Okay. Oprah's coming. We'll talk about it later. Here we go.

Okay. Those are for Oprah's people!

Okay. Up till now, I've been, like, mellow...

Okay. We, uh We better go. It's time for your chess lesson.

On your mark, get set, go.!

Ooh!

Open meat bucket.

Ow!

Ow!

Pedal to the metal, full on, all of it or none of it.

People are here!

Phase one complete.

Please?

Pointing at cows in Munger's Field.

President Gerhard and I have been waiting for a half an hour.

Pump 'em high! Pump 'em high! Let's go!

Put Beans in his cage...

Put him on defense. Cornerback.

Quiet!

Read where his old buddy Shake threw him a bone.

Really, it's only one hour with the time difference.

Really?

Release the hound.

Remember that body parts do not count.

Right. So, why do we live here?

Sarah Baker, off, now!

Sarah, dishwasher! I'll I'll come by tomorrow after I drop the kids off at school...

Sarah, your suspension from lacrosse for excessive force has been lifted.

Save the eggs!

Say good bye to your mother, Beans.

See, Tom loved growing up with seven brothers and sisters.

Self presentation in the same obsessive way that I do.

Shake Maguire wants me to coach the Stallions.

Shake.

Shake. President Gerhard.

She had to have the biggest stud on the team.

She hardly ever comes home since she started dating that doorknob.

She says she'll help us out if they can stay in the same room.

She's gone. Now I can raise you children the way I want to!

Since Beth's mom offered me a job at the auto shop.

Since we moved here, everybody's been looking out for number one, especially you and Mom.

Since when?

So she, uh, chose the third string receiver...

So Tom settled for a Division III coaching job at Lincoln...

So we're doing this.

So why don't you run along?

So you're going today. Henry, you have band practice, all right?

So you're telling me you didn't want to go to New York?

So, are you gonna tell me why you're here?

So, as self appointed in house rep of style and hygiene...

So, Dylan, know any good restaurants?

So, uh, is Jake your only child?

So, um, how's the acting career going, Hank?

Soaking his underwear in meat?

Somebody help me! Help me!

Something tells me you had an unpleasant interaction with those boys, Mark.

Sorry about your clothes, Hank. We'll have 'em dry in no time.

Sorry, babe. Gunner, stop! Sit Sit down!

Sorry, Charlie. Uh, Nigel. Kyle.

Sounds like somebody got his jimmy whipped.

Step back, please.

Step off, missy!

Still proofing, but I'm sending it to Diane today.

Stop calling me that!

Stop. Just let it go, okay? Please.

Sure, 1 2 is still our number.

Sure.

Teacup with the flower on it broken?

Tell the masseuse I'm running about 1 5 minutes late.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thanks for coming. Thank you, thank you. I appreciate it.

Thanks for looking.

Thanks for ruining my life.

Thanks.

That coach was 5 3.

That is so Nora. We tell 'em they can't sleep together...

That is so wrong.

That means you, Buttler. Whoa.

That you do not correct her in front of the class.

That's a lot of days, Kate, and a couple of key games.

That's a lot of pressure and a lot more hours.

That's different now.

That's doesn't cut it. I'm trying to grow a program.

That's easy for you to say. You're an only child.

That's not gonna happen to Hank, Kim.

That's the only way to make it fair. It's the only way to do it.

That's what I'm talkin' about. Way to go, Marcus.

The Baker family actually owns a bar of soap.

The company wants it in stores by Christmas.

The crazy thing is that now we're trying to sit at home like regular joes

The marketing people will bring you up to speed on the book tour.

The night before a big game.

The president of the United States, Sarah Baker...

The publishing company arranged for the Oprah Winfrey Show to tape at our house tomorrow...

The same age I was when I was pregnant with her.

The Stallions head coach.

The Stallions.

The university is prepared to make an investment in the program...

The wife's name is Kate, Shake.

Then Mom decides to become a career person and, like, travel the globe.

Then we went for magic number eight, and instead...

Then we went to a party celebrating Shake Maguire's appointment...

There are times when I want to kill Sarah...

There were 20,000 people in the stands, and I just couldn't leave.

There you go. You look as good as new.

There's me! Oh. [ Chuckles ]

There's only two. Oh, plus 1 0.

They are pulling me in again!

They asked me to go to New York for a few days.

They knocked my glasses off.

They're 2 0. They're rising in the national standings...

They're abusive. [ Laughing ]

They're all going to end up on milk cartons.

They're totally to blame.

This is 4 A, Skippy. The bigs.

This is business. Salmons and pinks are so homemaker.

This is how I get jobs, right here!

This is how I get the jobs. I know that.

This is my husband Bill and our son Dylan.

This is the moneymaker. I'm not that good of an actor.

This is your shot, your moment, not theirs.

This move was about you! And you know what?

Those times when I ran away from Midland, I was gonna go to Chicago.

Three yes's and three maybes.

Time out. Nora's here.

To athletic director at our alma mater.

To sign up for football. And, no, you can't come.

Together, maybe.

Tom and I got busy when we moved to Midland.

Tom and I met at Illinois Polytechnic University.

Tom, didn't you pick up my dry cleaning?

Tom? You wanna say something? A few words?

Tommy. Tommy, Tommy, Tommy.

Twelve is just too big a number.

Twelve kids later, and we still got the heat.

Twelve kids. That's the throwback.

Twenty four.

Two times?

Two weeks'll go by in no time, guys. You'll see.

Uh, a dozen?

Uh, Dylan doesn't really care for rough play.

Uh, Jake, get me a Band Aid, okay? Here, here.

Uh, my name is Tom Baker, and I'm interested in hiring a domestic helper.

Uh, my nanny'd have to check with my dad...

Uh, we'll, uh, we'll call, schedule a play date.

Uh, well, it loosens up the players...

Uh, well, this might be a good time then to talk about me staying a few extra days.

Uh, you're gonna wanna stop now, dude.

Um, I have 1 2 children.

Um, this is my team...

Unless, of course, I start dancing. Then they just get nauseous.

Violence begets violence.

Walk much?

Wanna help me in the kitchen? Get a pie, look at a picture of Grandma, say the rosary?

Was actually code for "nastier and suckier"?

Wave! Hi!

We can build a fancy new memorial to Pork in our new yard.

We got the first set of fraternal twins Jessica and Kim.

We had a mess of theories about how to raise children.

We had Henry, Sarah, Jake and Mark in consecutive years.

We had our hands full with nine. We were happy, and we were done.

We just had family at the wedding.

We still have a mess of children, but no theories.

We want an answer by Monday, Tom. This meeting's over.

We'd be, like, 11 .

We'll make an announcement at the end of the week.

We're doing it.

We're gonna do this.

We're gonna look for him, Tina.

We're having adult time here, boys.

We're taking all your toys. Okay.

We've got 48 hours. Let's work a plan.

Welcome home, Kate.

Well, give everyone my love, and you call me right after dinner, okay?

Well, I guess the wife just answered our question.

Well, I'm not so sure I even want to go to college.

Well, I've got a great team here...

Well, if the game gets bigger than three on three, then they have to take it outside.

Well, if there's no book tour, then there's no book.

Well, it's this crazy thing where grown ups...

Well, look who decided to be a parent!

Well, that is about to change, Sarah Baker.

Well, then why don't you spend more time at home?

Well, then, you need to practice for your chess lesson.

Well, there's 1 2. But one doesn't live with me...

Well, uh, after the sixth one, they just kind of walked out.

Well, uh, s s sounds good. Sounds good.

Well, we'll talk about that after you get your full ride.

Well, we're not like any other family in the neighborhood.

Well, we've been married, what, five years?

Well, whoever said expressing emotion is a good thing, I'd like to see.

Well, you haven't been home much, Tom, since we moved here.

What a hot dog.

What a nightmare!

What a wiener.

What family? [ Scoffs ]

What happened to you?

What happened? Did Did Mommy and Daddy go back to the farm?

What I said before I was out of line.

What if I get a black eye? [ Laughs ]

What is that?

What is with the staring? Just stop looking at me.

What was that for?

What What do you mean? You can just pound the lumps out of a mattress?

What, are you still too busy bein' the pansy house husband to read the newspapers?

What?

What?

What's the matter with you? What are you doing?

What's the name of this segment again?

What's this?

Whatever happened to pin the tail on the donkey?

When I graduate, I'm gone.

When they visit, so she moves in with him.

Which is, you know, great, but I'm really gonna need your help.

Who sat across from me at dinner every night?

Who'd have to check with my mom who would say it was an inappropriate use of free time.

Whoa ho! Back it up, FedEx.

Whoa, chief. Look, Nora's a big girl.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's goin' on? What's wrong with you, mister?