History of the World: Part I (1981) (srt-- bad) Edit

A beautiful hand carved alabaster bathing vessel.

A date every stand up philosopher, including Socrates, would die for.

A fact

A little sand on the stage for the native shim sham sand dance.

A man's cuffs should be even with the tip of his pee pee.

A song that speaks of struggle, that speaks of triumph...

A toute à I'heure.

A very nice selection.

A whole field of wacky weedus.

About two million years ago,

Ah, bullshit, bullshit.

Ah, oui, monsieur. Oui.

Ah, the Count de Money.

Ah! One. One left. We're lucky. Yes.

Ah! That's what I said.

Aha! But to fill the tub, behind curtain number two,

All be quiet.

All hail Caesar, emperor of Rome,

All hail the commander of His Majesty's Roman legions,

All keep quiet. The meeting begins.

All pay heed.

All pay heed.

All right, all right. Hump!

All right, all right. Jesus!

All right, forget that shit.

All right, now. Columns! Columns!

All right, now. Columns! Columns!

All right, take me! Ravage me, Your Majesty. A bargain is a bargain.

All right, take these rejects over to the Colosseum, sell 'em for lion bait.

All right, virgins. Put on your "No Entry" signs.

All right, Your Majesty. Please ravage me.

All right!

All right. At the first sign of trouble, he shall be the king.

All right. Here we go. July 14, 1789,

All right. I understood.

All right. Well, schlep him along.

An old man! They don't let you live! They don't let you breathe!

And he is such a fool. Nevertheless, we must do everything we can

And here, in a cave somewhere in the North American continent,

And if all these creatures are indeed eunuchs...

And if this revolution should succeed,

And it was guided by the most fearful specter

And it's here

And keep 'em up.

And not a tube of Preparation H in sight

And now, let's end this meeting on a high note.

And now, to invent the catapult.

And so, music was born.

And so, they shall be free too.

And submit to the king's lustful wants.

And suddenly these goys break down my walls

And that's the Ethiopian shim sham.

And the ape stood, and became man.

And the ever popular ratatouille.

And the happiest night of mine.

And they shove a red hot poker up my ass

And they started playing Ping Pong with my balls

And to accept and embrace the true Church,

And we'll get your daddy out of jail. Come on.

And, of course, with the birth of the artist,

Anything?

Apple cores!

Apple cores. Apple cores.

Are you all together, or is it separate checks?

Arms rest.

As you wish.

Au contraire. I paid for them. Those are mine.

Au contraire. They are mine. I paid for them.

Away! The sky is your playground.

Bearnaise! Garçon, I must have a word with you.

Bearnaise?

Before this night is over, one of you shall betray me three times.

Beggars begging from beggars.

Behind these guys. Here we go. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.

Believe it or not, you are gonna play Caesar's palace.

Bishop jumps queen.

Bonjour, Madame Defarge.

Bonjour, scum.

Born to do it.

Boy, you are nuts. N V T S, nuts.

Boy. When you die at the palace, you really die at the palace.

Bullshit!

But because man did not have the time for complicated rituals,

But how? The streets are crawling with soldiers.

But I can die like a king.

But I hear that that's coming quickly.

But one who sits amongst us has already betrayed me this night.

But the Inquisition's here and it's here to stay

But the Inquisition's here and it's here to...

But the king is temporarily indisposed. You've come to the right place.

But the servant waits while the master baits.

But where would you find a handsome dog to replace me?

But you can't blame these people. You can't blame people for wanting to be thin.

But you gotta start sometime!

But, dot dot dot, you don't understand!

But, Your Majesty, just in case of the remote possibility of a temporary revolution,

Caladonia! Caladonia!

Call Sammus. He'll vouch for me. He and I are tight. He knows...

Call the temple. Call the rabbi. Call Sammus Davis Jr.

Came the inevitable afterbirth.

Can't get any good help today.

Captain Mucus, let's get after them.

Captain Mucus!

Chariots! Used chariots!

Che faccia da homma da left, che faccia da homma da right.

Che faccia da homma da left, che faccia da homma da right.

Che faccia da homma da left, che faccia da homma da right...

Che faccia da homma da, che faccia da homma da,

Chess? I hate chess.

Chipped.

Christians. And I am a Jew.

Columns! Columns! Get your columns here.

Columns! Sir, don't touch the merchandise.

Come here.

Come on, boy. You can get up. Come on, fella.

Come on, get up. You're costing me money.

Come on, men. We're gaining on them.

Come on, Miracle.

Come on, you do it. You know you do it.

Come on. Hurry.

Come on. Now, hurry. Walk this way.

Comicus, stand up philosopher. Who are you?

Comicus, the new stand up philosopher from Vesuvius.

Comicus, you're on.

Comicus! Comicus, Comicus!

Comicus.

Coming soon! Don't miss History of the World Part ll.

Commanding you to obey my law. Do you hear me?

Competence.

Complicated.

Confess

Convert now, or forever burn in hell.

Could you please step on the same foot at the same time?

Count de Money, Count de Money.

Count de Money? Count de Money?

Count de Money.

Count de Money.

Count?

Courage, my dear. Watch me, and take heart by my example.

Dad!

De Monet, de Monet.

De Monet, Dubonnet, Ciboney it's not gonna work.

De Monet.

De Monet... De Monet...

Death to King Louis.

Despoil me! Humiliate me! Only do it! Do it! Hump! Hump! Hump!

Destroy them.

Did he say "big fat pig"?

Did you bullshit last week?

Did you try to bullshit last week?

Die, salute you.

Die.

Do it! Do it to me!

Do we have any of those delicious raisins left?

Do you want a beverage? Try the mulled wine, it's terrific.

Do you want to be stripped of rank and privileges?

Do you want to be thrown into the dungeon? Do you want to...

Do you want to dance?

Does everybody want soup?

Don't be boring

Don't be dull

Don't be saucy with me, Bearnaise.

Don't be square, mon cher. Movies is magic.

Don't indulge, eh? Well, leaves more for us.

Don't wear anything...

Don't you know left flank from right?

Don't you think it would be wise to have you safely spirited out of Paris?

Dopus! I only had the money in my hand.

Easy, whitus. These people don't know the value.

Either you kill next week, or we have to change your status.

Empress, this man saved our lives. Now they want to kill him.

Ethiopia.

Eunuch.

Eunuchs, come down here.

Even in early man, the need to laugh was vital for emotional survival.

Even in most primitive man, the need to create was part of his nature.

Everybody stand.

Everybody!

Everything's so green!

Excuse me, did you see the count?

Excuse me.

Execution, execution, execution, execution, execution, ex... Tough guy.

Families don't even have enough money for bread.

Fat, off... No...

Father!

Fell like a stone.

Fellow wretches.

Find them. Capture them. Kill them.

Fire, the mysterious phenomenon that cooked his food,

First of all, they are so poor...

Fly, my pretty one. Fly.

For mankind, it began with an accident.

For now begins the Inquisition.

For the time being, we will use him as a litter bearer.

Free! Did you hear that, my little winged friends? Free. Free!

Freshly picked from the garbage of the rich.

Funeral services were often brief.

Gangbang! Come on, let's all jump the queen.

Gee, I just ate. I want...

Get him out. Take him out.

Get me an ice pack. Hurry.

Get moving.

Get off the fat jokes! Get off fat! Get off fat!

Get on the bandwagon.

Get outta here.

Get the flunk out of here. Men!

Get the horses. Get the chariots. Get the men.

Get your filthy hands off me. Begone.

Gifted?

Give to Oedipus.

Give to Oedipus.

Go to the right. Stop!

Go, boy, go! Stretch out those long white legs!

Go, go.

Good evening, ladies and emperors.

Good news. I just got you a job.

Good work, good work.

Good! Good.

Good. I like a mountain comic.

Goodbye.

Groovus!

Gunga begged Gowie to repeat the beautiful scream, but Gowie could not.

Gunga heard the sound and liked it.

Guns, fireworks...

Hail, Caesar! Hail, Caesar!

Hail, Caesar! Hail, Caesar!

Haircut, shave, shampoo, bloodletting?

Half you men, search that area there. And the others will run with Mucus.

Hallelujah!

Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

Halt!

Halt!

Hand them over.

Happy landing, Mother, Mrs. Schultz.

Have you heard about this new sect, the Christians? They are a laugh riot.

He is a eunuch.

He missed. I jumped, and he missed. It was his first day on the job, he was nervous.

He used to be the fastest horse in the Circus Maximus.

He was beating that poor exhausted horse.

He was here a moment ago...

He'll never survive.

He's dead.

He's good. He's great.

He's heading for the Senate. We can meet him near the cloak room. Come on.

He's in there.

Hear me, O hear me!

Heated his cave, and kept him alive.

Hello? No song for me today, Pierre?

Here come the bad guys.

Here we go. OK.

Here, this way.

Here, wash this.

Hey, all right, all right. I'm sorry.

Hey, hey, hey! What, are you crazy?

Hey, it's my first order. One question and I'll let you all go.

Hey, kids. I'll take Miracle and scout the area for a possible club date.

Hey, look. There's the ship that's gonna take us to Judaea.

Hey, that kid is wonderful...

Hey, Torquemada, walk this way

Hey, Torquemada, what do you say?

Hey, what country are you from?

His divine immortality has consented to favor us with a new poem.

His name is Miracle.

Hold it.

Hold this. Yes, indeed.

Holy shit!

Holy shit! Wait a minute, wait a minute.

How can I entice you? How can I ensnare you?

How dare you? No man may search the empress' quarters.

How does the Senate vote?

How we doing? Any converts today?

How'd you get all the way here from the Roman Empire?

Hump. Death. Hump. Death.

Hump. Death. Your time is running out! Hump. Death...

Hurry, father. Hurry, before the king changes his mind.

Hurry, get into these Trojan costumes.

Hurry, we've got to catch them.

I almost fell.

I am your servant.

I believe he did, sire.

I bent their ears, now I'll work on their knees!

I can tell the future.

I can tell you your future.

I can't behave like a king. I don't know king things.

I can't do it. Here, take the shield. Take the sword.

I can't walk in heels. I'm no good in heels. He's good in heels.

I cannot go to the lions.

I coalesce the vapor of human experience into a viable and logical comprehension.

I didn't do it. I wasn't even there.

I didn't even know them, they grabbed me by the scrotum

I didn't know Gloria was sick.

I don't believe it! Josephus!

I don't have to tell you that poverty stalks the streets of Paris.

I don't like your cuffs. I don't like your cuffs, I don't like your cuffs.

I go and bust my anus to get you a job and you're angry with me?

I got absolutely nothing for sale.

I got an appointment for Thursday. 11 o'clock, I go in, they give me a local, boom!

I had almost forgot.

I hate violence. It's the one thing I detest.

I have brought your name before the four corners of the Earth.

I have subdued and conquered the barbaric hordes in the name of Rome.

I just got back from Venice, and boy, are my arms tired.

I liked your choices. You made some very big decisions.

I love quick time harch.

I love them. Pull!

I love to do it. I just did it and I'm ready to do it again. Don't tell me you don't do it.

I may not have been born a king, or lived like a king,

I mean death to King Louis.

I mean, half of Rome is either cooking or puking.

I never killed another human being in my life.

I see that you are going on a long journey.

I see.

I shall give you my laws, and you shall take them unto the people.

I smell something familiar.

I throw myself on your mercy. Please release him.

I was at a friend's house. Check's in the mail.

I was listening to a lovely Hebrew Mass

I was right. He got his tongue, eyes and beak. The lot.

I was sitting in a temple, I was minding my own business

I'll show you. Look out. Sand. I gotta have a little sand.

I'll try Galilee. I heard that King Herod is bringing in gambling.

I'm flicking chickens, looking through the pickings

I'm gonna sign him up.

I'm gonna start on this end.

I'm gonna stay right here.

I'm Josephus. I'm the main course at the Colosseum.

I'm quite aware of that, you petit putz.

I'm really sorry to hear that.

I'm sorry, I'm on my wine break.

I'm sorry. Excuse me.

I'm very excited about it. It's a new concept. It's called a centerfold.

I've come on most urgent business. It is said that the people are revolting.

I've decided to trade my virginity for my father's freedom,

I've penetrated into the farthest...

If he could not start a fire, he and his would surely die.

If he is truly a eunuch like the others, there would be no harm to take the test.

If I don't get him out soon, he will surely die.

If there is a double on the throne, the king can remain in safety

If they're captured, they're hung.

If trouble appears, we'll put it right back in its place

In ancient times, man was ignorant as to the cause and nature of death.

In factorum, quid pro quo.

In pecunium, sic transit gloria.

In the name of Caesar, halt!

In the year one million BC,

Ionic, Doric, Corinthian.

Is either in a steam room or a vomitorium.

Is it not true when eunuchs are castrated, they become enormous?

Is really the lowly piss boy.

Is that considerate? Is that polite?

Is that our men?

Isn't the queen a good sport?

It goes all the way up to the emperor!

It is God's will. Except for the beauty mark and mustache.

It is thought the first Homo sapien marriage occurred.

It moves water from one place to another.

It starts with the peddlers. They bribe an assemblyman,

It was shortly followed by the first homosexual marriage.

It was the hour of the infamous auto da fé,

It's a very hard crowd.

It's astounding. It's amazing.

It's better to lose your skullcap than your skull

It's either hump or death.

It's good to be the king.

It's good to be the king.

It's good to be the king.

It's good to be the king. Look, come here. Let's talk about this.

It's Josephus, your wine steward. Please help him.

It's Miracle!

It's so lonely at the top of Olympus.

It's the latest invention to hit Rome.

It's very simple, really. Is my hair all right?

It's what you oughtn't to do but you do anyway

It's your move, Your Majesty.

Je ne sais pas.

******* person. Yes. I can prove it. Watch. Look out.

*******, huh?

Joe!

Josephus, hurry.

Josephus, wine.

Judaea!

Judas!

Just a stupid accent.

Keep searching. You'll find it.

Kill him.

Kill him. Kill him, too.

Knight jumps queen.

Knight to rook four.

Lackey.

Last week, I myself ran out of wool.

Laz! Laz, I got an idea! Pull over.

Let all those who wish to confess their evil ways,

Let him...

Let it cool. Let the coolness get into our vertebrae.

Let me tell you about Venice. Venice is a very old city.

Let the queen up, give the queen some air. She's been so good to all of us.

Let us have Caladonia do her highly erotic temple dance in praise of Eros.

Let's face it, let's face it. What's the rage today?

Let's face it, you can't talk him outta anything.

Let's fight!

Let's follow these senators. Put your hood up.

Let's go, Miracle.

Let's go, Miracle.

Let's look through the desk. Must be thousands of pardons in the king's desk.

Let's make their big heads so hard.

Let's see. Your father's name?

Lindus!

Litter bearers, harch!

Litter bearers, prepare to move.

Look out. I'm gonna start.

Look what we have come to.

Look, for all intents and purposes, I'm the king, right?

Looks like it's a big ending.

Lord, I shall give these laws unto thy people.

Losing weight is all the rage. Everybody in Rome

Low mileage. They're great.

Majesty, may I have a word with you?

Make that the Spartans at Crete.

Maniac.

Master, how can you feel anyone here would betray you?

Miracle? Oh, what a beautiful name.

Miracle... Comicus.

Miriam, wine.

Mo... net.

Monarch of the Roman Empire, ruler of the world.

More women! More wine!

More...

Moses went to the mountain, and God spoke unto him.

Moses, this is the Lord, thy God,

Move that miserable piece of shit!

Music began long before it was formalized into notes and phrases.

My father, Monsieur Rimbaud, for ten years has languished in the Bastille.

My tits are falling off.

Never mind. How do we get out of here?

Next. Occupation?

Nice dead rats for sale.

Nice names.

Nice. Nice.

No matter what happens, don't panic. Don't panic.

No, but that's very creative.

No, don't ever say that to the cops!

No, I'm gonna move here.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no

No, no, no, no...

No, no, no. Dumb scum.

No, no.

No, this is a very serious problem. The peasants feel you have no regard for them.

No, wait! I'm with you.

No, you don't understand, Your Majesty.

No, you don't.

No, you mustn't...

No! Goddammit, your hands are cold.

No! Leave us alone.

No.

Not a one, nay, nay, nay

Not necessarily.

Not so lucky, Pierre

Not that kind of liar. Take him back out!

Not thrilling, but nice.

Nothing is working

Nothing.

Nothing. Nothing.

Now enters His Holiness, Torquemada,

Now, either you do it, or your father dies.

Now, I asked in a nice way, I said pretty please

Now, there. That's for you.

Now, you give this to the head officer at the jail, and he will set your father free.

O Caesar.

O Competence, tell me.

O Emperor, spare this poor man. He has fought so bravely for your amusement.

O fellow members of the Roman Senate, hear me.

O glorious Caesar. Speak.

O Lord, why have you chosen me? What would you have me do for you?

Of course, Your Majesty.

Of course. Goodbye. Of course. Of course! She's coming with us...

Off with his head! Off with his head!

Oh, blow it out your ass.

Oh, Bob, do I have any openings that this man might fit?

Oh, boy

Oh, but with this long trip and this exhausting conversation, I'm famished.

Oh, dearie me.

Oh, gee.

Oh, he's not exhausted. Here's the problem.

Oh, I like that. I like that.

Oh, it's you.

Oh, Jacques, Jacques.

Oh, leave me alone. I can handle this.

Oh, lustful wa...

Oh, mama!

Oh, my darling father, I have good news.

Oh, my darling.

Oh, my darling...

Oh, my God! I'm fighting with cardboard.

Oh, my God.

Oh, no. 'Cause I happen to know that the lions only eat Christians.

Oh, Nympho. I would do anything, anything, if you would only grant me your favors.

Oh, please, listen to me. I'm not the king.

Oh, thank you, Your Highness. Oh, good!

Oh, that's better.

Oh, the tide is turning.

Oh, there he is. Over there.

Oh, what a wonderful man.

Oh, yes, of course, of course. That's it!

Oh, yes. Let these two fools fight each other to the death during dessert.

Oh, you. You naughty pussy. Naughty, naughty pussy.

Oh, Your Majesty.

Oh! Whoa.

Oh. A bullshit artist.

OK, faggot. What's next?

OK. Everybody wanna be in the picture, get up and go to the other side of the table.

OK. I'm gonna find Swiftus, then I'll meet you at the theater across from the baths.

Olé!

One more thing. Wait! If we do escape, will you come with us?

One of the first weapons man invented was the spear.

Only a miracle can save him.

Only thing we don't have a god for is premature ejaculation.

Onward!

Ooh! There's a naughty bit of crumpet.

Or shall we aspire to a more noble purpose and build decent housing for the poor?

Outta the way, or you'll get the same.

Oy, oy, gevald

Oy, the agony! Oh, the shame

Panic!

Paris. A city filled with poverty, misery and despair.

Pawn threatens bishop.

Pawn threatens bishop. All right, Poppinjay. I'm invoking the king's privilege.

Pawns jump queen.

Perfect for rat stew, rat soup, rat pie,

Perfect. Don't forget it. Give it to me again. Monet.

Perhaps you can use him at the palace. He's truly gifted.

Perhaps you're right. But who would sit on my throne in my absence?

Pipe the shit right out of your house.

Piss off.

Please spare his life. I beg you.

Please, Empress. Save them.

Please, let... See? See? I can't even walk like a king.

Please, money, food, anything. Help me, help...

Please, stop it! Can't you see the poor thing's in pain?

Please, we must talk. This may be our last supper.

Please, Your Majesty, don't let him die. I'll do anything to gain his pardon, anything.

Please!

Please.

Plumbing here, plumbing. Yes, citizens, plumbing.

Plumbing! Brand new invention!

Plumbing! Plumbing here.

Plumbing! Plumbing!

Politics, politics, politics, politics, politics.

Pouilly Fuissé! "The poor ain't so bad"? You're lucky he's still alive.

Pull over!

Pull!

Put a few columns out in front, turn any hovel into a showplace.

Put it in the car.

Put it there, pal. Man, you saved my life.

Quick, hide behind the d****.

Quick, hurry.

Quick, you've got to escape. They're storming the palace.

Quick. Back through the corridor.

Quickly, after them.

Quickly, go to the left.

Rats. Rats.

Relax. Casual. Casual.

Remember, thou art mortal. Remember, thou art mortal.

Remember, thou art mortal. Remember, thou art mortal.

Repeat after me...

Rimbaud? How do you spell "R..."? Oh, never mind.

Rimbaud.

Rolling papyrus.

Romans are rich. We got a god for everything.

Rome! Blazing pronouncement of mankind's most glorious achievements.

Rome! Fountainhead of culture.

Rome! Vortex of modern civilization.

Run, Miracle, hurry! They're gaining on us.

Run, run!

S'il vous plaît.

Salute.

Sand. Give him the sand. What the hell's the matter with you?

Say when.

Say yes

Search all the marketplaces, the square, the alleys.

Search the area. They can't have gotten far.

See a Viking funeral.

See Hitler on ice.

See **** in space.

See?

See?

See? I told you there was work to be found here.

Seize him!

Seize him!

Seize him! Do you know the punishment for a slave who strikes a Roman citizen?

Seize you. Good.

Senate.

Send in the nuns!

Shall we continue to build palace after palace for the rich?

She's right! She's right. We all talk like Maurice Chevalier.

Sheet? Oh! Oh, the sheet. Yes.

Shit!

Signed by Louis... quatorze, quinze, sixteen...

Sir, please help me. I'm starving to death.

Sir, the king is playing chess.

Sir.

So come on, you Muslims and you ****

So death was greeted with a certain degree of awe.

So Gunga thought and thought, and finally he found the answer.

So pull that handle, try your luck

So that's the noise. The revolution!

Something, anything. I'm starving to death...

Sooth, sooth! We give great sooth!

Sooth! Soothsaying! Get your sooth said right here.

Speak up, Mucus.

Speak.

Stand up philosopher.

Stop.

Take him away. Take them all away.

Take their orders. Be correct. Be polite. And push the mulled wine, we're stuck with it.

Taxi? Hey, no autographs, no autographs.

Ten! Ten commandments, for all to obey.

Terrific, terrific.

Test the guillotine.

Test?

Test.

Thank you, Caesar.

Thank you, Your Highness. I thought I'd never live to see the day

Thank you.

Thank you. I'll get it later.

That slave over there. He looks rather puny.

That way, that way.

That's good.

The big turn.

The black plague ravaged the continent.

The brave and noble Marcus Vindictus,

The color... The slave.

The critic.

The empress! It's the empress!

The first artist was born.

The first thing the people will do is cut off the king's head.

The Grand Inquisitor of the Spanish Inquisition.

The Grand Inquisitor, Torquemada.

The greatest calamity that could befall early man was the loss of fire.

The Inquisition, here we go

The Inquisition, here we go

The Inquisition, here we go

The Inquisition, let's begin

The Inquisition, look out sin

The Inquisition, oy, oy

The Inquisition, what a show

The Inquisition, what a show

The Inquisition, what a show

The Inquisition, what joy

The little fag gets it.

The Lord, the Lord Jehovah, has given unto you these fifteen...

The main course... Say hello to some friends of mine. My agent, Swiftus Lazarus.

The main room!

The man was dead when I got there, I swear.

The monarchy.

The muse is upon me.

The peasants may grow violent.

The port. There's a ship leaving for Judaea.

The Roman Senate is the best legislature that money can buy.

The rope.

The slave auction is over.

The symbol of "Might makes right."

The thing that our fortunes and titles are attached to.

The time was ripe for revolution.

The year was 1489.

Then a couple of magnums of wine, see a few nude paintings.

Then nothing should arise. Get it?

There is no such thing known to medical science.

There they are. Come on.

There's two **** got off... No. Syrian...

These are mine.

These Papist persons plunge in, throw me in a dungeon

They are my people. I am their sovereign.

They are so poor that they have only one god.

They should have been here over 30 grains ago.

They shove a living snake up your ass.

They're gaining on us.

Think I don't know what I'm talking about? The nose knows.

This can't be... Must be a pardon somewhere. Let's see.

This is never gonna work. Please, Count de Money...

This is no good. All I got is the backs.

This is the saddest night of my life.

This is your last week on insurance.

This need, this talent, clearly separated early man from animals

This way, men.

This'll never work. Why are you doing this to me? What's this about?

Three moves to one. Yes!

To begin with, number one,

To choose your escorts for the midnight orgy.

To ever sit in judgment over good and evil:

To make my privates public for a game

To save the thing that divine right and history have placed on his head.

To stay

Tonight

Torquemada. Do not ask him for mercy.

Torquemada. Do not beg him for forgiveness.

Torquemada. Do not implore him for compassion.

Tough shit.

Treasure bath!

Treasure bath!

Treasure bath. I'm going to have a treasure bath!

Treasure from the Orient!

Treasure. Bathtub.

True, true. I am the Count de Money... De Monet, de Monet.

Tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, quack, tweet, tweet.

Very good. I'm glad you thought it over. Be at my chambers at midnight.

Violence. I abhor it.

Virgins, fall out.

VVs are not allowed outside the palace without an escort.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Money?

Wait a minute. I know this horse.

Wait a minute...

Wait for the shake.

Wait!

Wait! Where are you going?

Wait. I've just had a wonderful idea.

Wait... Watch it... Wait!

We all do it. We love to do it. You do it.

We are about to confront guys.

We are now armed with mighty joint.

We are so poor, we do not even have a language.

We certainly do get around

We got a little game you might want to play

We got big news for all of yous

We gotta stay loose, you know?

We had a bouncy journey, I must relieve myself before I burst.

We had better kiss soon.

We know you're wishing that we'd go away

We know you're wishing that we'd go away

We know you're wishing that we'd go away

We should get rid of your tailor.

We'll give them a smack, we'll slap them right back in the face

We'll never get out of here. Only a miracle can save us.

We're gonna help them see the light

We're gonna teach them wrong from right

We're **** out in space

We're **** out in space

We're **** out in space

We're off on the road to Judaea

We're pulling away. We're losing them.

We're zooming along, protecting the Hebrew race

We're zooming along, protecting the Hebrew race

We're zooming along, protecting the Hebrew race

We've flattened their fingers, we've branded their buns

We've got to... We've got to...

We've gotta get out of Rome.

We've gotta get to that wagon. Wait here, I'll see if the coast is clear.

Well, you said "What?"

Were tortured and burned in a carnival like atmosphere.

Whack!

What a racket! How can I sleep?

What a spectacle.

What are we gonna do? We're trapped.

What are you doing here?

What bait must I use to catch your love?

What fool put a carpet on the wall?

What is this with lions? I can't go to the lions.

What part?

What the heck is he...

What the... Who designed this place?

What was my idea?

What we need is a new language.

What will happen to those two rogues when they are caught?

What?

What? He was right. They send you to the lions.

What? I have no regard for the peasants?

What... Commander, where are they?

What's the matter with you? Cat got your tongue?

What's the matter? Where've you been? Who was dead?

What's under the sheet?

What's wrong with you? He's good. That guy is good.

What's yours?

Whee! Whee!

When goyim attack us

Where, for public amusement, heretics and non believers

Whip out those little dicks! Here we go.

Who bribes a councilman, who bribes a senator...

Who is that girl? She's gorgeous.

Who knows, Torque, you might win a buck

Who returns to Rome after winning a great victory over the Cretins at Sparta.

Who wants to look like a big fat pig?

Who would never know this gift.

Who's that?

Whoa!

Whoa! I get it! I get it!

Whoo, girls.

Whoops.

Why are you dressing me like the king? Why do I have to be the king?

Why aren't you still chasing them? Have you lost your senses?

Why don't we go to my desk? There must be a pardon in the desk,

Why don't we have a wonderful candlelit dinner?

Why have they stopped?

Wonderful, ancient city. You can learn a lot in Venice.

Wonderful. No one would ever suspect that His Royal Highness

Wow.

Wow.

Ye...

Yea, yea, so you say.

Yeah!

Yes, I hear you. I hear you. A deaf man could hear you.

Yes, no, no, no, no, no, no

Yes, no, no, no, no, no, no

Yes, no, no, no, no, no, no

Yes, no, no, no, no, no, no

Yes, no, no, yes

Yes, sire.

Yes, yes, I see... I see...

Yes, yes.

Yes!

Yes?

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes. The Roman Senate.

Yes. You see, recently, there has been a rumor about a revolution.

You are pissing on my shoe.

You ate yours.

You better change your point of view

You don't put out, he don't get out.

You go southward. I'm gonna walk here, round in a circle.

You got ten seconds to make up your mind. Hump. Death. Hump. Death. Hump. Death.

You have to give him some time. He has just been snipped.

You look familiar. Who do you look like?

You men go northward.

You said if I let you have your way with me, you'd let my father out of the dungeon.

You said it. They stink on ice.

You seem troubled, my dear. Let me help you.

You son of a bitch! You bastard!

You son of a bitch...

You take the left flank, I'll take the right flank.

You want to know how to make a Venetian blind? Like this.

You, sir, are going to Rome.

You, sir! For a wee fee of two drachmas,

You, who we'd follow even unto death?

You're free.

You're ignoring

You're not as tall as you used to be.

You're right. "Help wanted. Cashier, waiter and dishwasher." I'm gonna be waiter.

You're right. I do look like the piss boy.

You're the first white person I even considered liking.

Your Majesty, I must have a word with you...

Your Majesty, I simply don't do it.

Your Majesty, I was raised in a convent. I don't indulge in pleasures of the flesh.

Your Majesty!

Your Majesty? You're next.

Your Majesty.

Your Majesty.

Yours are all the way down to your balls.

8:30.

10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10...

20 million years ago, an ape like creature inhabited the Earth.

20, 20, 20, 20...

30, 30, 30, 30, 30...

40, 40, 40, 40, 40... Do I hear 50?

125th Street.

50! 50! Sold to the Venetian for 50 libra.

A pack of Trojans. Gee, I just ran out.

After him! Go on, men, get him.

Ah. Leonardo. Buongiorno.

All right. Wait! You're not the king.

And make an offer that they can't refuse That the **** just can't refuse

Are you going to speak to His Majesty? Perhaps later.

At least I have them. You bitch.

Back in the line. He's not in line. He's my agent, Swiftus.

Bob? Yes, Your Highness?

Bring me a small lyre. A small lyre. Small lyre.

But I am in Rome. Do I lie?

Bye. Bye bye.

Bye. Bye.

Ca ca. What?

Captain Mucus! Have you found anything? Nothing, Commander. Nothing.

Care for a little toot? Non, merci.

Cashier. I'll be the hat check girl.

Che faccia da homma... There they are!

Chemist, can you help me? What are you looking for?

Come on, run, Comicus. Come on, hurry.

Come on, the show starts in an hour. The main room!

Come on, we'll fight our way out. Guards!

Come on. OK.

Come on. We gotta go. We really have to go. See you later.

Count de Money, Count de Money! De Monet, de Monet.

Count de Money. Count de Money.

Crucifixion. Wrong. You?

De Mo... Don't correct me. What is it?

Death by torture. No. You?

Did you kill last week? No.

Did you try to kill last week? Yeah.

Do you require a blindfold? None.

Don't write it now. Now go. Yes, sir.

Dreadful. Well, fix it.

Drifting to the left. Your Majesty, the situation is worsening.

Empress Nympho! Empress Nympho! Miriam?

Free, I'm free... My father, the man you pardoned.

Fuck the poor! Good.

Get him out of here. You could make a lot of money with me.

Get in the mood, you know what I mean? Your Majesty, I don't understand.

Give it a little shot. Thanks. Oh, thank you.

Go. Immediately, sire.

Good. Now the beauty mark. It's coming.

Goodbye, head. Hello, balls.

Goodbye. Goodbye.

Have you any last words? None.

He is a eunuch. Yeah.

He should be here. The Senate is in session.

He's picking those weeds. Papyrus.

Help, give me something... Get away. Don't bother me, you swine.

Here, put this on. All right.

Here. Thank you.

Hey, baby! Get down. Get down. Jump!

Hey, Josephus. Hey, motherfucker.

Hey, who's that? Look what he's done!

Hi. Hi.

His wig? No, you twit. His crown.

How do you say "sixteen" in French? Seize.

How poor are they? Thank you.

How? I'm entertaining. I got special talents.

How's it going, Marie? Oh, you are so naughty.

Humperdinck? Not Humperdinck. "Hump or death."

Hurry up. Quick, Dad.

Hurry! Come on, Miracle. Go, boy.

I do! OK. You. You had your hand up first.

I don't see how you can. Why not?

I just got back from the auto da fé Auto da fé? What's an auto da fé?

I knew I smelled something. You crazy?

I was wrong. Quick, follow me.

I work at the palace. We're gonna be there.

I'll wait. Seize him!

I'm a stand up philosopher. Oh. I'm Miriam. I'm a vestal virgin.

I'm not finished. You are. Come with me.

I'm sorry, sir. I flunked flank. You flunked flank?

In the car. In the car.

In the name of the people of France... Fronce.

It is time for action! Yes!

It's working! It's working!

Jesus! What?

Judaea? Judaea.

Just a second... It's all right. We ordered a group portrait.

Lackey! Count de Money.

Last request, last request. What is your last request?

Miracle! Miracle!

Miracle! Miracle!

Monet. Very good. Where's His Majesty?

Monet. Say it! Monet. Monet. Mo... Mo..net.

More wine. More wine, more wine.

No, go this way. It's a short cut. To where?

No, I don't. You want to do it. I do it.

No! Wait a minute! Wait! Wait a minute.

No! Hold it. Listen, I'm *******, I'm telling you.

No. We are down to almost nothing.

Novocaine. Wait a moment.

Now you're working, you won't need this. Wait! That's mine.

Occupation? Gladiator.

Of course. Of course.

Oh, Marcus! Why have you stopped?

Oh, merci, monsieur. Piss boy!

Oh, no. No! No! Come here, you.

OK, hurry, take off. Let's go, Miracle.

OK, OK. What kind of a job is it? Just the best gig in all Rome.

Oui, oui? Yes, a lot of it.

Paper! Paper! What? Like this?

Pardon, pardon, pardon. Yes?

Pawn threatens bishop. What the hell did you say?

Please go away! Go away. All right, OK, OK.

Pull out. Let's go, Miracle.

Put his head on the block. Wait, I don't want to die. Don't hurt me.

Really? Look out!

Right. No!

Roman Red. Roman Red?

See you at the palace. Bye.

Seize him! Oh, seize this, honkus.

Seize him. Wait. Wait a minute. Gimme a break.

Send them in. Left flank, harch.

Sheet? Sheet!

Sorry. Now, tonight, we have a private party.

Sorry. Mind your pail! Sorry, sorry.

Stand up philosopher. What?

Stop with the goodbyes. OK.

Take care, Swiftus. Bye, Miracle.

Take me, Your Majesty, take me! Where?

Tell me, my dear, what can I do for you? Your Majesty.

Test? Test?

Thank you. You're welcome.

The jig is up. And gone.

The main room? The main room!

The Roman Empire. Fuck it.

The theater across from the baths. Right.

There he is. Wait, wait. You're making a big mistake.

There's our double. Sacrebleu!

They'll be here any minute. Not to worry. Not to worry.

They're here to cut off my head? Hide in there, I'll see who it is.

This is a hip crowd. Oh, I'll say.

Very good. That'll be all. Quick time harch!

Violent? You think? Yes.

Wash this. Oh, yes, sire.

We could use another wine steward. I got a great corkscrew.

We have a mission to convert the **** Jew, Jew, Jew, Jew, Jew, Jew, ****

We have no dignity! No!

We have no rights. No.

We have no say. No.

We need your help. The white guy or the colored guy?

We'll find a double, put him on the throne. Ah. A double in case of trouble. I like it.

What are you... All right, I'll be the dishwasher.

What could be keeping them? I don't know.

What did he say? He said, "The poor ain't so bad."

What? Isn't that Lena Horne over there?

What? Nothing. Gornisht. Forget it.

What? Sand. You're standing on it.

What? Take him out of here!

What? What?

What's he doing? Picking flowers.

when I would once again... Yes, yes.

Where are we? Don't worry.

Where are you going? I don't know.

Where are you leading me? The reviewing stand.

Where is he? Don't worry, he has to come this way.

Where is the garçon de piss? I saw him just now.

while they cut off the double's head. I get it.

Who are you? Your Majesty, I am Mademoiselle Rimbaud.

Who? Who? Who can it be?

Why was he put into the Bastille? He said something at a royal dinner party.

Why? We're coming to the end. See?

Will you confess? No, no, no, no

Will you convert? No, no, no, no

Will you revert? No, no, no, no

Will you say yes? No, no, no, no

Yeah. OK. Sign here.

Yes, he did, sire. Do you think he meant me?

Yes? What?

Yes? What?

You care if it falls? What?

You faggot. Yes, sire. Thank you.

You? They send you to the lions.

You're beautiful when you... Shove it.

You're finished. I'm finished.

You're good, man. And this is Miriam. She's a vestal virgin.

Your Majesty, you look like the piss boy! And you look like a bucket of shit!

Your move, Poppinjay. Yes, sire.

...Fronce, we place you, King Louis, under arrest.

'Cause the Inquisition's here

"Push the mulled wine, we're..."