Eight Legged Freaks (2002) Edit

A second ago they were right behind me, but I think I lost them.

About time I busted up a few of them. Face to face.

Actually, he did pretty good for himself.

Add a week to how long you're grounded.

Adios, Consuela.

After taking careful measurements of the exoskeleton I found at Joshua's...

All right, bye.

All right! They're spiders from Mars. You happy?

All that gold.

Am I talking to myself? I'm here for you.

And if you'd said something, maybe our lives would be different.

And ostriches farmed are not game.

And since I'm back in town for a little while...

And tell her once and for all how you really feel about her.

And two: As far as Chris McCormack reopening the gold mines...

And you will too.

And you've always loved me.

Anybody know what's going on with the phone?

Anything you can find. We need gasoline.

Arach Attack.

Are you all right?

Are you in there?

Ash, wait. I'm sorry!

Ashley?

At the bottom of the bag. It's where they always put the food.

Attention, people. Everyone meet at the Prosperity Mall.

Aunt Gladys, are you okay?

Aunt Gladys, how can you listen to this wacko?

Aunt Gladys, I lost the face fuzz.

Aunt Gladys?

Aunt Gladys?

Aunt Gladys.

Back off!

Bad dog! No!

Bad mood?

Be a hero.

Be careful, Chris.

Behind you!

Believe what?

Between the Sewing Center and the Cinemaplex?

Bob Miller, my best customer, was hanging from my ceiling.

Bob?

Breathe.

Bret, I can't believe my mom gave you a ticket. It was humiliating.

Bret, I'm on the phone. Go have some fun. I'll see you later.

Bret, isn't your stepfather the mayor?

Bret, just go, okay? Just go.

Bret, please.

Bret, slow down.

Bret?

Bret?

Bruiser?

Bruiser?

Bruiser?

Bruisie?

But my name's not Sonny.

But we know the truth.

But you know what it is. They're shutting us down!

But you know, there's an old saying:

But you won't believe me. I'm the kid. They never believe the kid.

Bye, Josh. See you next week!

Cables lead to a generator. Follow the cables.

Cables.

Can I have the stun gun, please?

Can you turn that thing down? You're already deaf from it.

Can't charge around here what a barber can charge in other places...

Can't get any worse.

Catch!

Check out Bret.

Chris McCormack! I didn't know you were back.

Chris! Wait up!

Chris?

Come on, hurry! Into the tunnel. Follow the cables.

Come on, Joshua. Pick up!

Come on!

Come on!

Come on!

Come on!

Come on!

Come on.

Come on.

Consider this a government conspiracy to take over your station.

Cool, a miner's helmet. I always wanted to try one.

Copy that.

Crickets?

Curve around 20 feet away from the scene of a misdemeanor. Thank you.

Damn it! I pissed my pants! Don't you think you're overreacting?

Damn it.

Dangerous habit. Disgusting. Causes explosions. Wish I'd never started.

Defend the human race.

Did you see that thing?

Do Floyd and Leroy still have that barbershop?

Do I look like a woman who isn't sure?

Do you have any idea how embarrassing that is?

Do you know fear?

Do you know what it's like to feel your heart beating so intensely...

Do you know what people would do if they knew...

Do you really want to know?

Do you think we could...

Don't make the town suffer...

Don't tell me he went into the dry wall again.

Don't touch it.

Don't...

Down here?

Everybody get in the car, now! Ashley, go!

Everybody get to the basement, now! Hurry!

Everybody here is having some financial problems.

Everyone, just get to the mall as quick as you can!

Everything will be sorted out in the morning.

Exactly.

Fire!

First Emma leaves, now Sam's got me doing spring Cleaning.

First of all, the spiders are attracted to vibrations. That includes:

Follow the cables.

Follow the cables. The cables lead to a generator.

Follow the cables. This way. Come on.

Follow the kid!

Friends...

From my initial estimate, the spiders have doubled.

Get back! You eight Legged freaks!

Get back.

Get everyone inside and get the gate down.

Get inside! Hurry!

Get out of here.

Get ready.

Get your furry cat ass out of there!

Giant spiders are all over the town.

Give me a second!

Glad you came back home?

Gladys.

Go back with your sister. Go back with your sister!

Go home, Wade. Put some ice on your nose.

Go on, Mike.

Go on.

Go, Sam! Get downstairs! I'll find another way out!

Go! Go, go!

Go! Go!

God forbid a cat should have to eat cat food. That cat is spoiled rotten.

God, my balls!

Going off to get wasted, have an orgy. Might steal a car, want one?

Gold?

Good idea. People are talking.

Good Lord.

Good.

Got enough government problems. Can barely pay for this damn trailer.

Got one!

Grab one of these.

Great, thanks.

Great, this is all I need.

Great.

Guns? Why would we be needing...?

Guys, go!

Habronattus orbus.

Hang on, Mike.

Harlan, no!

Has anyone seen Wade?

Have a menage a trois if you want.

Have the orb weavers come in?

He just needs a shave.

He loves that movie. I don't...

He must have locked it. We're trapped.

He said a lot of things near the end.

He wasn't exactly the faithful type.

He went through a door back there.

He's going into the mines through the storage room.

He's pretty cute for an old Fogy kind of guy.

Heights? Are you afraid of spiders?!

Hello, Mike.

Hello?

Hello? Hey, Pete. What's up?

Here it is.

Here we go again. The phone lines are down.

Here we go, Bruisie.

Here we go!

Here, will this work?

Here.

Hey, spidey!

Hey, watch it!

Hideous nightmares that crawl in the night.

Hold on to your shirt.

Hold this.

Holy crap!

Holy moly!

Honey, give it a rest. It's so late. It's almost midnight.

How do we get out?

How many times do I have to tell you? They're not aliens, okay?

How's the lock Down holding? This one's pretty good.

Hurry up!

Hurry up. Get away from the mines. Get up there.

Hurry!

Hurry! Hurry!

I bet you he's their leader.

I call this an arach Attack.

I can handle Wade. Don't worry about it.

I can't believe my mom was right about you.

I can't explain now.

I can't get any privacy around here, you know?

I checked the other cocoons, but nobody made it.

I didn't deserve that.

I don't know if those gates will hold.

I don't know what's going on, but the phones are down.

I don't think that was Pete.

I don't think you know what you're doing.

I don't want to hear any more of your media Induced nightmares.

I don't want to lose my virginity in the front seat of a truck.

I don't want to talk about Sam Parker right now.

I don't want you hanging out with him. Those spiders are dangerous.

I found this map in my dad's study.

I get it. Everybody, come on.

I got an idea.

I got confused.

I got your back.

I gotta warn Sam.

I had to bribe every customs agent from Santiago to Tucson. But here.

I had to drag that barrel out of the water. I got covered in it.

I have four more payments on this shit!

I have something that I want you to keep with you, okay?

I have to find Wade.

I have to go. I'll call you later, okay?

I hope the insurance pays for this.

I hope.

I knew he wasn't crazy.

I know how this sounds, but believe me. It's the truth.

I know how this sounds, but you must trust me on this.

I know what you're saying to yourself. " He's paranoid. He's crazy."

I know you're saying to yourself.

I know, I thought it was a slam Dunk.

I know, it's weird.

I know. Take the weapons and get to my house.

I mean, meet somewhere and catch up on things?

I need this more than you.

I picked them myself.

I repeat:

I repeat:

I said, turn that thing down!

I see dead people! I see dead...!

I see dead people. I see dead people.

I swear to God it's the television.

I tell you what. We're just gonna run away.

I think he's very informative.

I think it's alive.

I think it's an exoskeleton of a male orb weaver's pedipalps.

I thought you said 911 didn't believe you.

I told you no more visits to that spider farm, didn't I?

I want all men to wear masks at all times.

I want everyone to arm themselves immediately.

I want to concentrate all our energy in these tunnels here.

I want to get out from under this. The rest of you should too.

I wanted to come by and apologize for yesterday.

I warned you!

I was meaning to get a grille. They don't have the right size...

I wouldn't want to cut you.

I'll do it.

I'll do what I can.

I'll set off the gas! I can't!

I'm a man. You're a woman.

I'm afraid of heights.

I'm calling from Prosperity, Arizona. My name is Chris McCormack.

I'm closing up.

I'm coming, baby. I'm coming.

I'm gonna make a fortune.

I'm just a little bit mucousy right now.

I'm not gonna get pregnant at 16.

I'm not gonna make the same mistake my dad did.

I'm not gonna stay here for the rest of my life and be a trailer Trash sheriff!

I'm not selling the mine.

I'm pressing charges. I want him arrested.

I'm really sorry.

I'm sorry, okay?

I'm talking to you.

I'm telling you, it's the invasion! I told you!

I'm trying my best here.

I'm worried about things you've been doing lately, Ash.

I've been telling you about the invasion for months.

I've been trying to say something to you, so I'll just say it.

I've been trying to tell you this for a long time...

I've been warning you for years, but you wouldn't listen.

I've discovered several arachnid tracks outside.

I've never seen spiders this big. It's because of those crickets?

I've seen them in visions.

I've seen them.

If he was a kid, we'd send him to military school.

If the aliens come and try to anal Probe me...

If you build it, they will come.

If you feel disoriented, get to a higher chamber as soon as possible.

If you want a piece of me, don't take that piece!

Interesting.

Into the mines. Hurry!

Is that you, Sam?

Is there a chance that Gladys is still alive?

Is there something you wanna tell me?

It does kind of look like an old piece of cactus.

It's a hard life spreading the truth. Never made Gandhi rich.

It's always slow here, Wade.

It's an invasion!

It's Chris.

It's morning here in Prosperity, Arizona...

It's nice to know you didn't forget everything we taught you.

It's Pete. He's waiting. Come on, let's go.

It's strange. It's strange.

It's the fourth missing Pet call we've had today.

It's the invasion!

It's their diet. I made a discovery.

It's this way!

It's Wade.

Joshua is nowhere to be found. They might've killed him.

Joshua! You trying to scare me to death?

Joshua?

Joshua?

Joshua?

Joshua's spiders are nocturnal hunters. They're coming out to feed.

Jumping spiders!

Just do it!

Just like old times.

Just these huge, intricate webs they've left behind.

Just to get to the mines?

Keep looking, everybody. Don't give up.

Keep talking, buddy. Say something that has caffeine in it.

Keys. Keys, keys, keys!

Kids, go with him.

Larry, do we know anybody at City Hall who might be able to take care of this?

Last time I checked, cats and dogs are not fish.

Leave it there. I've been trying to say this for a while.

Leon, is this the section he was working on when he died?

Let me see it.

Let me show you something.

Let's be honest, Leon. The man was hallucinating.

Let's face it, the town's going broke. They'll pay us to relocate.

Let's get him down.

Let's go!

Let's go! Let's go!

Let's go! They're coming. Come on, let's go! Get on your bikes!

Let's input the measurements from your exoskeleton and see what happens.

Let's listen to the kid. For once.

Let's talk about the probe. Let's talk about the anal probe. What is that?

Listen up!

Locked.

Look at it.

Look at the size of that!

Look at this, look at her.

Look behind you!

Look out, Sam!

Look out!

Look to the skies. Look to the skies, my friends.

Look what we got for you.

Look, look how they kill.

Looks like it's been out here a couple of weeks.

Looks like the only thing going is you, dude.

Lose the face fuzz before you do.

Loud noises, movement and talking.

Makes your mouth look like a stripper's crotch.

Man in a flea circus don't wanna itch, but he still does.

Man...

March down to Sam Parker's and tell her everything.

Mark, get everybody away from the mines.

Maybe it's a sign to quit.

Mayor?

Me too.

Methane gas. A lot of it.

Mike, get out of here!

Mike, you saved us.

Mike!

Mike! Sam!

Mom, are you okay?

Mom, come on! Hurry up!

Mom, hurry up! Come on!

Mom, hurry! Hurry!

Mom, it worked.

Mom, listen to me!

Mom, they have to be quiet.

Mom, what about that one? Come on.

Mom?

My balls!

My dad told you?

My friend Joshua sells spiders. They've been growing bigger and bigger.

My God.

Never made Mother Teresa rich. L. Ron Hubbard?

Next week, I bet they're twice as big as today.

Night, Sam.

No breaches out front. I haven't heard a sound. I think the doors will hold.

No gunfire! No gunfire! It will set off the gas!

No, no. No smoking.

No, Sam. Let me.

No, you didn't.

No! Noise will just attract it.

No.

No. Question is, what are you doing out here?

No. That was just another male.

No. That's not it. I just don't think I'm ready.

No...

Norman, show them. Now! Go!

Norman! Somebody save him!

Norman?

Not my mall. Not my mall.

Not the mall. Please, not the mall.

Nothing to see here, folks.

Nothing. I just saw you staring at his butt when you handcuffed him.

Now it's emerging as a trend in our sleepy little town.

Now they've broken out of their cages and headed down to the mineshafts.

Now, get moving so you can make it up to me later.

Now, look. I let you guys run tests...

Now.

Of course you're still asleep.

Of course, some people don't know a good deal when they see one.

Oh, God.

Oh, it's you.

Oh, Lord.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. What do you think it was?

Okay, folks. Show's over. Move along.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. All right. Okay.

Okay. All the doors are locked and secured.

Old man McCormack, God rest his soul...

One: They never did get that probe near me.

Oswald's gun.

Our town is being attacked by giant spiders. We need military intervention.

Party's over, gentlemen. Off the bikes.

People are saying it's coyotes, it's wolves. But we know the truth.

People could get killed. Just hear me out.

People, hold on!

Pete, come on!

Pete, send a sample down to the EPA lab in Phoenix.

Pete, turn on the radio.

Pete! Come in, Pete.

Picked them myself.

Plan B?

Poor Zekie.

Prove it.

Put my daughter in danger again, I'll show you how little that means to me.

Put your bike in the truck.

Right behind you.

Sam, I need to tell you something.

Sam!

Sam! Help!

Sam...

Say hello to Consuela.

Scissors! Here you go!

See this? All brand new. Brand new growth. Check it out. Brand new.

See you, Ash.

See, the male orb weavers compete for the female's attention.

See?

She fills her prey with digestive acid...

She is the sexiest sheriff in the country.

She might have been attacked by a male orb weaver.

She's divorced now, you know.

Shoot it! Shoot it!

Shut the hell up about my father. I'm warning you.

Shut up!

Since when did you care about the mines? You've been gone 10 years.

Skippy didn't do anything to anybody. He doesn't deserve that!

So be careful. Let's go.

So check this out.

So everybody needs to stay as calm and quiet as possible.

So how much is a shave these days?

So you're telling me a giant spider ate Gladys?

So, what happened with you and Brian anyway?

So...

Some jerk tossed a barrel of chemicals off the road.

Something on your mind, Gladys?

Sorry, sonny. We aren't hiring.

Spider, man.

Spiders have a developed sense of smell. The perfume could confuse them.

Stand back.

Stay in the car. Pete, honk if there are any problems.

Sure, Chris. We could do that.

Switch. Put this on.

T ook me forever to get that mating pair.

Take everyone who's hurt and the kids to that storage room.

Ten years and you have not changed a bit.

Thank you.

Thanks for the flashback.

Thanks, Sam.

That is the story of how the aliens attacked our sleepy town.

That is too cool.

That seems awful big to be a spider leg.

That was a long time ago. I'm a changed man now.

That was easy.

That's a more believable explanation.

That's Ashley! Come on!

That's it.

That's more like it...

That's right. Right here at KFRD, freedom radio.

That's the one who busted up my trailer!

That's what I've been telling you!

The Agua Mesa lode. He found it.

The anal probe.

The female is three times as big as the male.

The female is three times as big.

The jumper.

The Lycosa narbonensis looks different today. It's bigger.

The only reason that we've kept this town going...

The police wire says Bob Stuck's dog Skippy's missing.

The prey is cocooned alive so she can feed on it in her nest.

The Prosperity Mall!

The slightest spark or an open flame can blow us all to hell.

The source for the inside dope on conspiracies, aliens...

The town could be in danger. They could destroy everything!

The town is being overrun by giant spiders.

The truth brought me out to the only place...

The water is contaminated?

There has to be somebody at Fish and Game who can help.

There they go! Look, look!

There's a giant tarantula headed your way.

There's a shed outside with a generator.

There's gotta be flashlights or something.

There's no sign of Joshua...

There's no way you're telling me that thing back there is from Earth.

These have been in the pond for the past three days.

They all try to give her the best present. Like bugs...

They didn't.

They listen to my broadcast.

They scrapped plans to run a freeway here...

They want to put the empty mines to use. It's safe.

They' re here! They' re here!

They'd lead you to believe I would embellish this story.

They'll tell you it's a technical error.

They're coming!

They're getting closer! Move it!

They're here!

They're holding, but we don't have much time.

They're like...spider steroids.

They're not aliens. They're spiders!

They're spiders who grew because they ingested toxic waste.

This ain't no cactus.

This bad Girl thing you're going through could get you in trouble.

This is a government cover Up, isn't it?

This is a story...

This is exactly your problem, right here.

This is not a prank or one of Harlan's crazy stunts.

This is Sheriff Parker. I have an important announcement.

This is the weirdest day of my life.

This saved my ass so many times today!

This should hold him.

This way. Follow me. Come on.

Those mines are filled with methane gas.

Those mines have the highest concentration of methane gas.

Those of you without weapons, arm yourselves...

Those things killed Leroy.

Those were big Ass spiders! Really big ones!

To spread the word, to look into the dark places...

To this day, people refuse to believe what happened here.

Two things I forgot to tell you.

Unbelievable.

Unless you're driving. I don't want nobody suing.

Use mine. You have to climb a mountain for a signal.

Use the antenna on the mall. That's how I get my broadcast out.

Viroanol wants all of our properties or none of them.

Wade locked the door.

Wade, I'm going out now.

Wade?

Wade.

Wade...

Wait. This is a town meeting, not the WWF.

Wait. You push and I'll pull.

Wake up before it's too late! But no.

Wasn't me.

Way to a generator.

We all know about those cows and the probe.

We drove from Tucson. It sounded like you needed help.

We follow the power lines to a generator. They're always near an exit.

We got cocoons! T old you it would be worth the ride!

We got tuna.

We gotta get out of here.

We have a crisis situation on our hands.

We have a right to know what's going on!

We have ostriches, cats and dogs disappearing all over town.

We have to do it. It's the only way out.

We need to find the generator.

We never miss a show.

We'll have to give Zeke cat food, and he hates that.

We're cool, sheriff.

We're laying off. We're three months from a going Out Of Business sale.

Welcome home.

Well, he's just...

Well, that, my friends...

Well, they're for you, actually.

What am I doing?

What are they looking for? That's just wrong.

What are you doing?

What are you waiting for? Go!

What did you say?

What exactly is that?

What hole?

What is going on?

What is it?

What the hell are these things?

What the hell are you doing up there?

What the hell is going on?

What the hell is this place, Mike?

What the hell is this?

What the hell?

What the...?

What was that?

What will you find in a dog's...? It's just wrong!

What's going on?

What's going on?

What's that smell?

What's that?

What's the difference?

Where are the aliens?

Where did you go, little fella?

Which just leaves your ass up in the air!

While it's alive.

Who are the flowers for?

Who knew Chris McCormack would suddenly get gold fever?

Who knows how much contamination it's caused.

Who said it's okay to talk to me like this?

Who'll believe that lunatic?

Why can't those of us that want to sell, sell?

Why didn't someone say something? Look at me. God.

Why didn't you say so? I got a blanket in the back.

Why don't you stomp them hills out and get some room to grow...

Why we have that, I do not know.

Why you broke her husband's nose.

Why you left town without so much as a fare Thee Well.

Winchester, 30.06...

Yeah, Habronattus orbus.

Yeah, I am.

Yeah, I got it. Sorry.

Yeah, I'd say so.

Yeah, well...

Yeah?

Yes.

You beat up my ex because you found out he was cheating.

You can handle one of these, right?

You can't light those matches?

You couldn't tell me because you didn't want to break up my family.

You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here.

You got it, Sam.

You guys!

You have a right to an attorney. If you can't afford an attorney...

You just bring out the beast in me.

You know how women like breakfast in bed.

You know what happens when I don't get enough sleep, right?

You know what? Let's just go back inside.

You look like an angel.

You said you had it.

You see, the prey is cocooned alive so she can eat them in her nest.

You still think we landed on the moon...

You sure? I'm a pretty good engineer.

You told me to finish the job. I'm trying to actually finish the job.

You wanted to avoid telling Sam why you beat up her husband.

You went back for that? Lose that thing. It'll slow us down!

You were gonna finish remodeling this place. Over a month ago.

You won't believe me, but I've been chased by giant spiders.

You won't trick him. He's smart.

You' re always talking at me about something.

You'll have to get out without me. Follow the wires.

You'll never get that anal probe near me!

You'll what?

You're a big fella.

You're alive.

You're all ostriches with your heads in the dirt.

You're gonna load that gun with toxic waste?

You're inviting the aliens in! They have no choice but to probe your butt.

You're just food to that thing!

Your father told me.

Your father was delusional.

Zeke.

Zekie Doodle.

911 emergency.

...before you start making brags! Brags, is it?

...our government Controlled media... We could broadcast a warning!

All the gas cans are empty. We just need one electrical surge.

And your point is? Point?

Any more people down in those mines? My aunt was the only one alive.

Anything you say can be used against... Shut up!

As dead as those mines. Well, Mr. Mayor...

Ashley, Mike, you guys ready? Just a minute, Mom.

Be careful with it, all right? Okay. Thank you.

Bret, I'll need your bike. My bike?

But, I just... But, what?

Can I get a refill, Carol? Help yourself, sweetie.

Can I talk to Mike? Why?

Can you give me a ride into town? Sure. Hop in.

Can you help him with his bike? Yeah, okay, sure.

Can you lead these people out of here? You bet. Come on, everybody! Let's go.

Chris, where are you? Sam, I'm up here!

Come on, Harlan! I'll try to lead them away.

Come on! Come on!

Come on! Hurry! It's coming this way!

Come on! Not that way. Hurry! This way.

Could it be the "front gate" one? Yeah, front gate.

Damn it. Why isn't it working? Lt needs fuel.

Did she just say giant spiders? That's just Harlan's show.

Do you smoke? No.

Do you think G String or underwear? Definitely thong.

Dude, did you piss your pants? We gotta go.

Four bucks. Four bucks?

Get it? Yeah. It's good.

Get ready! Oh, yeah!

Give me your license. Come on, sheriff.

Got the picture? Yeah, I got the picture.

Great. I've fought aliens my whole life.

Great. All right. I'll be in touch. Okay.

Great. We die, we die smelling nice. Nobody is dying, okay?

Have someone climb and get a signal. That's a great idea.

He got in the dry wall. Something ate your cat?

He was hungry! As they grow, their appetites do too.

How do you lower the gate? Key.

How is Emma taking it? Well, she left me.

How many spiders did Joshua have? I don't know. 100, maybe 200.

How's it looking? Roof's clear.

Hurry up! Okay.

I can't. Why not?

I don't feel so hot. Hold on a second.

I got a signal! Great. Now, how about dialing?

I have to tell Joshua! That's where you were going?

I heard that! Whatever.

I knew guys like Bret at your age. Mom, I'm not you, okay?

I know why you left town 10 years ago. I left for a lot of reasons.

I need the phone. You don't. You have no friends.

I really don't want to do this now. Just a sec!

I should've said this a long time ago. I know.

I thought you loved me. I do. I do.

I used to know my way around here. We aren't hiring.

I was just copping a feel! Overreacting?

I was wondering if your mom was home? Mom! It's for you.

I'll be back late. You owe me on this.

I'm hanging up on you. Don't hang up. Please!

I'm warning you, okay? I can't help it.

It's a good deal. Got to give a good deal.

It's Bret. I'm gonna get it. Wait. Hang on a second. Come here.

It's locked! What?

It's possible. Are you crazy?

Just chilling. Get me out of here! Back up.

Just do it. All right, kids, come on.

Lay low for a couple days, all right? Good to see you again, Sam.

Let's lie and say it's tuna. Okay.

Look what I found in my basement. That thing is huge!

Ls everything okay? Don't make any noises.

Lt looks like an orb weaver den. Get us out of here.

Maybe I don't need a shave. Hold still.

Maybe not. Was there webbing around? Yeah, lots of it.

Mom, are you there? Yeah, Mike.

Mom. Stay in the car!

Morning, Chris. Morning, Sam.

My God! There's so many! Harlan, get up here!

Nice. Nice.

Now? Yes, I may not get another chance.

Okay, take these. You'll need them. Perfume?

Or that stupid ostrich farm of yours. It's good meat. It's healthy.

Pete, what are you doing out here? Well, we got a...