Major Payne (1995) Edit

Actually, I think the party just begun.

After you torture him, so he don't have to go through life with a colostomy bag?

Agh ! My finger ! My finger !

Agh.

Ah, heh heh heh.

Ah, heh heh heh.

Ah, heh heh heh.

Ain't no need for name calling.

Ain't you gonna dance ?

Alex ! Alex !

Alex, where are you going ?

All I want you to do for me is give it to me when you get home

All I'm askin'

All I'm askin' is for a little respect when you come home

All of a sudden, Charlie was all over the place !

All right ? And then his chest cavity exploded.

All right, Fox. Keep goin'.

All right, gentlemen. Let's look alive here ! We got trophies to win !

All right, good bye.

All right, knock it off!

All right, ladies !

All right, ladies.

All right, my little patch of Brussels sprouts,

All right, we're takin' out Payne tomorrow !

All right. I got a surefire plan to get rid of that son of a bitch.

All that hard work they did, they did for you.

America needs you.

And ain't gonna leave until you do !

And all I'm askin' in return, honey

And all that other bullshit that you taught us ?

And already I'm startin' to get the itch.

And be back here pronto !

And blood and guts and spit and ass was everywhere !

And blood and snot was drippin' out his eye sockets.

And Bubba come crawlin' out the back door,

And business is good !

And have his brains mailed back to his mother.

And I call it neutering !

And I call you an insecure, overbearing, psychopathic,

And I don't know why

And I had no other alternative...

And I looked down,

And I said, "Bubba, it's 30 miles to the nearest town.

And I want you to have that.

And I'm 'a put it 'cross the left side your face.

And I'm bad to the bone

And I'm bad to the bone

And I'm here to tell you, honey

And I'm stuck like glue

And if he's still in there, he ain't happy !

And if I'm sick, I'm gonna start throwing up.

And kick it around on the ground.

And killin'.

And let the boy grow up.

And stop babyin' him !"

And stop eatin' all that damn candy, you fat pig ?

And them little bloody nubs was kickin' real fast, like this here.

And they gazed in wide wonder

And until you win those games,

And what is your damage, muscle head ? You stupid ?

And what the hell is that ?

And when a man gets to eyeballin' me,

And when you saw it, did you want it ?

And you will pay the price.

And you will respect me.

Any man that'd leave you oughta be monkey stomped...

Anyway, I called my dad. I'm leavin' this stupid school.

Apparently he pissed all over the front of his pants.

Arms, hut ! Left face !

As long as you keep them out of my hair.

As of 0800...

As of this moment, you are reinstated in the United States Marines...

As your commanding officer !

At ease, Payne.

At the joy they had found

At the rank of Lieutenant Colonel.

Atten hut !

Aw, boy, get on outta here with that "I'm scared of the dark" crap.

Aw, phooey !

B B B B B Bad

B B B B Bad

B B B B Bad

B B B B Bad

B B B B Bad

B B B B Bad B B B B Bad

Baby, I got

Back to killin'. You wanna come ?

Back to the sweet smell of mustard gas...

Bad

Bad to the bone

Bad to the bone

Bad to the bone

Bad to the bone

Bad to the bone

Bad to the bone

Bam ! "I saw what you did to my friend !" Bam !

Base admin is cutting your discharge orders right now.

Be disqualified from the final competition !

Because the hard reality was...

Bee a good listener.

Bee sensitive to their needs."

Before my nose starts to bleed.

Before that man jump out the closet and chop your little head off.

Begin.

Bend over and spread 'em, girl

Bend over backwards, make me shout Work that body in and out

Benson.

Benson.

Benson.

Between us, I don't care what you do with those boys,

Boom ! An explosion happened.

Boom ! Heh heh heh.

Both legs missin'.

Boy, I am two seconds from bein' on you...

Boys like us are becoming dinosaurs.

Break it down

Break it on down

Break it on down Break it on down

Bringin' to the man more satisfaction

Bust a move !

But by the end of the day today, we will honor the finest of you with a trophy.

But enough about me, woman. What's your story ?

But is there anything that you like that doesn't have to do with battle ?

But it's not a life or death situation.

But nothin' I did would prepare me for this newest assignment.

But to blast my way out.

Butt's so tight he can't pass gas

Butt's so tight he can't pass gas

By her husband, played by Mr. Shipman.

Bye. Have a good time.

Cadets, order arms !

Cadets. I'm pleased to announce the two top rated squads...

Can you read lips ? Let me break it down.

Can't you see I'm eatin', turd ?

Carry on.

Causin' instant death and simultaneous bowel evacuation.

Charlie rigged a bridge with plastic explosives...

Chugga, chugga, chugga. Chugga, chugga.

Chugga, chugga, chugga. Chugga, chugga. Toot, toot !

Chugga, chugga, chugga. Chugga, chugga. Toot, toot !

Closer.

Combat killin' machines.

Come again ?

Come again ?

Come on ! Let's move it ! Move it !

Come on ! Wait ! Hold on.

Come on ! You can do it !

Come on, bacon boy ! Come on !

Come on, guys ! Maggots !

Come on, guys ! What, are you crazy ? It's just a dummy grenade.

Come on, guys ! What, are you crazy ? It's just a dummy grenade.

Come on, he can't do it ! Leave him alone.

Come on, people ! Mo o o ve !

Come on, Tiger. Nice meeting you, Major.

Come on, Williams ! Let's move it. Get a hop on it, boy !

Comin'.

Company ! Atten hut !

Concentrated dithiazanine.

Count 'em out ! Let me see that belly roll !

Damn skippy. He just kept chuggin' along.

Deep, deep in the jungle,

Dictatorial, egomaniacal, frigid, lunatic asshole !

Did I give you permission to sneeze, Opie ?

Did I say you could touch my bed ?

Did you ?

Did you want it ?

Do I have any more volunteers ?

Do they have to earn their bathroom privileges too ?

Do you accept it ?

Do you know what positive reinforcement means ?

Do you like the movies ?

Do you really think that this approach...

Do... not... attempt...

Doin' tricks to make us holler

Doin' what they did to turn us out

Don't all run at once.

Don't move !

Don't never... hit... her... again.

Don't push the "maybe," baby.

Don't you ever make no jokes about me behind my back,

Don't you feel dumb ?

Don't you sass me like your mother.

Don't you walk away from me.

Don't you watch Oprah ?

Dotson !

Dotson, take these men for two hours of P.T. !

Drill team leader: Private Kevin "Tiger" Dunne.

Drop down, give me 25 pushups now !

Drop down, give me 30 situps right now ! Let's go !

Dwight Williams, but the boys call me "D," sir.

Eight.

Excuse me ? What did you say ?

Fall in ! Move it, you idiots ! Let's go !

Fall in, everyone ! Fall in ! Let's go !

Fee fi fo fum.

Five, sir. Six, sir. Seven, sir.

For speakin' out of line !

For the science fair judging.

For two hours of weapons drill.

For your convenience,

Forward march

Four, sir. Five, sir. Six, sir.

Four. Five.

Fourth place: Taggert.

Freaky girls with plenty of class

From Iraq to Haiti,

From my heart. Left ventricle.

From now on, my little group of scrotum sacs,

From now on, you are no longer turds.

From this day forward,

Full of fun and adventure.

Games ? Payne, I fought to get you reinstated.

General on deck.

General, are you tryin' to tell me in all this man's military...

Get down and get funky and you don't stop, what, do dat, do dat

Get down, do dat, do dat Go, Tiger, do dat, do dat

Get in.

Get off of him !

Get used to the sound of that word !

Giddyap, let's go !

Gimme a little salute.

Girl, you know you look so cute

Give me your hand.

Go change your Huggies, boy,

Go lead your men into victory.

Go on back to your bunk, son.

Go on, now. Git !

Go tell Mama bring my field knife.

Go, go, go ! This is your last chance, Dotson.

Go, Tiger ! Go !

Go, Tiger Do dat, do dat

God, I'm hungry.

Good boy.

Good day, Miss Walburn.

Good man. I'll see you in Washington.

Good night, princess.

Good night.

Good shot, Williams. I got nothin' to say to you.

Good. Now hold it.

Got a little attitudinal problem needs some readjustin'.

Got no worries Got no care

Got no worry, got no stress

Got no worry, got no stress

Gotcha.

Gotta earn my right to be called a man

Gotta earn my right to be called a man

Grab a rack and settle in.

Grab a rack and settle in.

Great. What happened to unity and family...

Guess I just had that one a comin'.

Ha ! Look at that baldy !

Have you been reading the book ?

He hit me !

He look up at me. He said, "Payne !

He makes us squat when we piss

He was chuggin' his way across the enemy line.

He'll be makin' beef stool 'til graduation.

He'll hang you with it ! Ha ha ha !

He's coming ! He's coming !

He's gotta be joking.

He's in there ?

He's just trying to show you some affection !

He's mine.

He's my blind seein' eye dog.

He's still there !

Heathcoat !

Heck, bein' with you is almost better than cleanin' my gun.

Heh heh heh.

Heh heh heh.

Heh heh. That's another rhyme.

Hell.

Hello, cue balls ! Welcome to the house of Payne.

Hello, gorgeous. Welcome to my party.

Hello, Miss Walburn.

Hello, Miss Walburn.

Hello, Mr. Denial.

Hello, there, fella. You know what you're havin' ?

Here are your tickets.

Here, gimme your hand.

Here. I would like you to consider an alternative approach.

Hey ! Hey, dummy !

Hey ! Your head's shaped like a bowling ball !

Hey, Corporal !

Hey, Dumbo ! You should be able to fly through those tubes...

Hey, Dunne. You missed all the fun.

Hey, guys ! Don't start without me !

Hey, Heathcoat, your parents comin' today ?

Hey, hey, hey, Major. Where you goin' ?

Hey, Williams ! You tell Marlee Matlin's son...

Hi, I'm Emily Walburn, the school counselor.

Hip hop, hip hop hip hop, ho

Hip hop, hip hop hip hop, ho

Hit it

Hit me in the face.

Hit me with a one, two, three, four

Hmm.

Ho

Ho ho ho. Heh heh heh.

Ho ho ho. Heh heh heh.

Hold it. Okay.

Hold on, guys. Wait Oof !

How about you ? Was there ever a Mrs. Payne ?

How hard Hard like a rock

Huh, huh, huh, huh

Hungry for action.

Hup. Hup. Hup. Hup.

Hustle, hustle, hustle ! Let's go. Giddyap !

Hustle, move it ! Let's go !

I acted alone, sir.

I ain't frigid.

I ain't gonna do you wrong 'cause I don't wanna

I ain't gonna do you wrong while you're gone

I ain't never

I ain't never no, no

I am replacin' Major Frankfurt...

I asked to leave. Them boys are makin' me soft.

I can barely do it. It's slippery out here.

I can't believe he actually left.

I can't do it. I'm too little.

I can't feel my legs."

I can't lose my edge.

I demand that the Madison squad...

I did somethin' bad.

I didn't do that to come back and be conquered by no woman and a bunch of kids.

I didn't mean to offend you. Do you speak sign language ?

I didn't stutter.

I didn't think so.

I didn't want you to be brother !

I don't call it babying. I call it nurturing.

I don't know, sir.

I don't like it.

I don't see no problem. You made it to the finals, didn't you ?

I don't suppose you dance.

I got somethin' to say to you.

I gotta get a job.

I gotta keep my strength up. I gotta maintain discipline.

I guess I'm uptight

I guess nobody's responsible.

I guess you should probably expel me, sir.

I had a really nice time tonight, Benson.

I have eight weeks to turn you gaggle of maggots...

I have good news for you, assholes.

I have to go to the bathroom.

I heard your mother was so fat she played pool with the planets.

I just came by to let you know that Wuligar has a slight temperature,

I know all about it.

I know where I'm gonna shave him ! Damn Major Payne !

I let you do these things to me

I like to hang upside down blindfolded,

I look like Curly from "The Three Stooges."

I love you.

I might have glanced at it once or twice.

I mighta made a little anonymous call.

I never said families don't break up.

I said hold it, or I'll break that off...

I said, "Bubba, they ain't there."

I said, "Do you want me gone, soldier ?"

I said:

I see we have a sickly boy on our hands.

I suggest we get this party started.

I think I'll wait a moment. My stomach's a little upset.

I thought we had a little talk about this kind of negative reinforcement.

I took it out myself with a field knife.

I toured 11 separate engagements.

I understand you've been placin' last, eight years runnin' in the Virginia Military Games.

I wanna get that trophy, sir.

I wanna get that trophy, sir.

I wanna know who's responsible.

I wanna tell you about it baby

I want names.

I want that man arrested !

I want that trophy.

I want you to have this book.

I wanted children. He didn't.

I wanted it.

I was back in uniform, back in the Corps.

I was told it would be my greatest challenge.

I was told you were on an important assignment.

I will be... sensitive...

I will put my foot so far up your ass,

I will resign my command.

I wrestle with these kids all day. This one's usually my big helper.

I... am not...

I'd like for you to think of me not only as your commanding officer,

I'd like to be the first to welcome you...

I'd like to make a suggestion.

I'll tell you, ladies, you're the purtiest unit ever underneath my command !

I'm 'a teach you how I rhyme military style !

I'm a baldheaded son of a bitch without hair

I'm a baldheaded son of a bitch without hair

I'm goin' put my foot in your ass ! Is that clear, dummy ?

I'm gonna fix that up quick, fast and in a hurry.

I'm gonna go out there and win that stupid trophy.

I'm gonna make you boys strong !

I'm just plain ol' hungry.

I'm not gonna chase you.

I'm not gonna salute you.

I'm not sure he's familiar with my medical history.

I'm sorry, Major, there's no one left.

I'm surprised you ain't dropped about 12 puppies by now.

I'm the one that's blind, you idiot.

I'm writin' you up, buddy ! That's it. No more of this !

I'm writin' you up, buddy ! That's it. No more of this !

I've been known to cut a little rug...

I've toured 11 separate engagements...

I've trained 20,432...

If he don't get across that rope, I'm gonna hang him with it !

If I poke your stomach will it make you go

If I'm the new squad leader, my first order is to screw you, sir !

If these men win the Virginia Military Games,

If they happen.

If they lose,

If you are discovered, I will deny all knowledge...

If you don't answer me when I speak to you,

If you don't believe battle us and you will see

If you really want it, I'll show you how to earn it.

If you turds can bring me that trophy,

In fact, I heard you couldn't cut it...

In fact, I'd love to talk to you about that story.

In my day.

In the emotional growth and development of these little ones ?

In the real man's military !

Into a well disciplined cadet unit.

Is a failure to communicate.

Is a family environment.

Is a sadistic father figure scaring the life out of him.

Is for you to pop your titty out his mouth...

Is Major Benson Winifred Payne !

Is one minute, twenty seconds !

Is that all ?

Is that anything like where you take a P.O.W. and you snap his neck...

Is that okay with you, Colonel ?

Is the best way to gain the trust of these boys ?

Is to give me my propers when you get home

It make my Agent Orange act up, and I get the urge to kill !

It make you feel good to see a black man runnin' things, huh ?

It was a trap.

It was about achievin' your objective.

It was just me and my sidearm.

It was me, sir. I hired him.

It was sure to be a living hell.

It wasn't until...

It'll be because you failed them.

It'll be because you have led them to a victory.

It'll draw them close together, make 'em a team.

It's a bullet.

It's all about the trophy ?

It's been two whole weeks since I killed me a man,

It's civilian life, sir. I had a minor setback.

It's from my heart.

It's not great, you understand, but it gets you back in the military.

It's Parents Day, and I am your legal guardian.

It's so damp. What about my allergies ?

It's somethin' special.

Just a little bit

Just a little bit louder now.

Just as the little engine was makin' his way across the trestle.

Just do any effect to turn us on Them girls got it goin' on

Just like ?

Just shut up.

Just work that body all the way out

Kill !

Kings and queens step aside

Knock it off ! Knock it off !

Know this: Killin' is my business, ladies,

Know what I heard ?

Ladies and gentlemen, Madison Preparatory School.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Wellington Academy Drill Team.

Ladies and gentlemen, Wellington Academy.

Left face !

Let me be more direct.

Let me give you a little history on Kevin Dunne.

Let me take a look at that.

Let me tell you all somethin': War has made me very paranoid !

Let me tell you that story.

Let the games begin !

Let's go, let's go, let's go ! Come on !

Let's go, maggots. Follow my lead !

Let's go.

Let's move it, you turds !

Let's move it.

Let's move out.

Let's win them games.

Lieutenant, I can only disqualify the cadet who started the disturbance.

Like Little Red Riding Hood ? Them three little pigs ?

Like what ?

Like white on rice and a glass of milk on a paper plate in a snowstorm !

Listen, Heathcoat. Over the wall. Go ! Go !

Listen, I made some calls, and I got an assignment for you.

Listen, Payne or no Payne,

Little did I know what awaited for me.

Lived in the Chelsea orphanage 'til 1991 when the school adopted him.

Look at you, though.

Look, it's been four hours. He hasn't blinked.

Look, woman.

Love my barracks night and day

Love my barracks night and day

Loved a man the way

Lula May's baby boy !

Madison is a loser.

Madison Preparatory School.

Madison, present arms !

Major Payne just terminated that bad man with extreme prejudice !

Major Payne reportin' for duty, sir !

Major Payne, could you please help me to understand...

Major Payne, sir ?

Major Payne, sir.

Major Payne, sir.

Major Payne. The new commandant ?

Major Payne. What are you doing here ?

Major Payne's a major dis

Major Payne's a major dis

Major, I have news so good I've decided to deliver it personally.

Major, Major ! It's okay !

Make me feel all funny.

Makes us squat when we piss

Man, get in there.

Man, you sure about this ? He looks awake to me.

May I make a suggestion ?

Maybe I didn't come back for you.

Maybe I told myself that I want to see you win first place...

Maybe I'll have to change my name...

Maybe what he need...

Maybe... I like ya.

Maybe... I like you a lot.

Me ? Nothing. I'm great.

Meet me on the parade ground, 1700 hours.

Mister... Payne ?

Mmm.

Mmm. Mmm.

Mo o o o ve !

Most of the body heat travels through the head,

Move it ! Saddle up that horsey and ride !

My friends keep tellin' me

My name is Major Benson Winifred Payne !

My name...

My parents said they'd come, but they said they got allergies.

My skills as a trained killer.

My... authority !

Nah, of course not.

Nazi, fascist pig !

Needless to say,

Negative.

Negative.

Negative. I figured if the Marines wanted me to have a wife,

Neutralize.

Nice meetin' you, Miss Ma'am.

No !

No one ever lets you do anything when you're too little.

No, I checked on that.

No, let me guess. You Snoop Diggety Dogg.

No, siree, Bob. He just kept chuggin' along.

No. Actually, he left.

No. I didn't, actually.

No. I'd like to see my men.

Nobody does the robot anymore.

Nobody's leavin' here until the average for this squad...

Nope, but I can clean your colon out quicker than...

Not even when they climbed aboard the train and popped out the eyes of the conductor,

Not everything can be about war.

Not like others but above the rest

Now all the blood is shed in the halls of Congress.

Now drop down, give me 20 squat thrusts now !

Now drop down, give me 25 more...

Now here we are together

Now I didn't go through all that to come out empty handed.

Now I'm gonna ask you nicely, please return to your vehicle.

Now let's win this thing !

Now on the day I was born

Now put your head on his shoulder.

Now you get on outta my face 'fore I pick you up and toss you out that window !

Now you salute me.

Now, be advised, ladies,

Now, now, now put your arm around him.

Now, what I'm goin' do is take this right foot...

Now, you may feel a little bit of pressure.

Now, you may feel a little... pressure.

Of livin' a civilian puke's existence,

Oh h h h but they don't know

Oh, children.

Oh, he's upset about this morning. Apparently he had a little accident.

Oh, heh heh heh.

Oh, heh heh.

Oh, I gotcha now !

Oh, I saw it.

Oh, I see you and your friend Cujo here...

Oh, that's great !

Oh, that's my little incentive program.

Oh, well, that's very good ! I'm very proud of you, Major.

Oh, yeah, here we come Here we come, here we come

Oh.

Oh. Right. You're in charge of the green boys.

Oh. Thank you.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. I'll go get ready.

Okay. I'm sorry you're just a little turd...

Once upon a time,

One !

One Mississippi. Two Mississippi.

One more time, you maggots.

One of them burritos with extra guacamole sauce.

One of trust and understanding.

One, sir.

One, sir. Two, sir. Three, sir. Four, sir.

One, two, three Get down on the hip hop

One, two, three.

Only thing he knows is slit your throat.

Ooh !

Ooh, your kisses

Oooh. Looks like...

Or even dig in your butts without my say so !

Order arms

Order arms !

Otherwise I stomp you in the ground !

Over the mountain to the 2063 Battalion.

Ow !

Pack your bedding, your kit and your clothes ! Let's go !

Payne, what happened ? You've only been out one week.

Payne'll never get off the can.

Payne's gonna kill us. You know I have a heart condition.

Payne's not here He's in our ass

Payne's not here He's in our ass

Perhaps over dinner ?

Philly stomp

Play that butt and don't you quit

Pop that coochie

Pop that coochie Hey, pop that coochie, baby

Pop that coochie Hey, pop that coochie, baby

Pop, pop that coochie, baby

Pop, Pop that coochie, baby Pop, pop, pop that coochie

Post.

Present arms !

Problem is I ain't got nothin' to scratch.

Proceed.

Pull !

Put up a white picket fence ? Adopt Tiger and become the lovin' male role model ?

R E S P E C T Find out what it means to me

R E S P E C T Take out T C P

Rank, rest !

Read it. Apply it.

Ready to do whatever

Really ?

Really ? Well, where'd you get it ?

Regular little soldier man.

Relax. Do you know why you're here ?

Right face !

Roamin' to the music and shakin' real fast

Said leave this one alone

Salute

Second place: Madison Preparatory.

See ? He's dead to the world.

See now, what we have here...

See you later, loser.

Sensitive, sensitive.

Sensitive.

Sensitive.

Seven 23 hour days...

Shake it, don't break it It took your mama nine months to make it

She could tell right away

She's tryin' to give me a shot !

Shouldn't let 'em go to waste.

Show me those cultured pearls

Shut up.

Sir, I think I speak for everyone when I say that this place is...

Sir, no, sir !

Sir, squad is formed, sir.

Sir, the major will be there, sir !

Sir, the squad is formed, sir !

Sir, yes, sir !

Sir, yes, sir r r r !

Sir, yes, sir.

Sir.

Sir... yes, sir.

Six. Seven.

Slippery, he say !

So after two and a half weeks...

So disgusting...

So do l. Heh heh heh.

So how 'bout it, guys ? You with me ?

So it's true. You're just gonna leave.

So perverse,

So stand back and step clear Madison cadets are the ones to fear

So that's it ?

So what is it, exactly ?

So why'd ya come back ? We don't need you.

So you might not want to torture him this evening.

Somebody's gonna answer for this blood from my lip.

Sort of.

Spike Lee ? Or them Little Rascals ?

Squad !

Squad ! Atten hut !

Squad ! Atten hut !

Squad, atten hut !

Stapleton, present arms !

Stone. You are now cadet sergeant.

Stop that cryin' ! You'll get no pity from me !

Sweeter than honey

Taggert, present arms.

Take my gun apart and put it back together...

Take off those dresses. Head to your barracks. Fold 'em up neatly.

Take your mind off that arm ?

Than somewhere that would allow me to employ...

Thank you, Benson.

Thank you, Major.

That a boy. Sit.

That bad man ain't gonna bother you no more.

That boy know the drill like the knob on the back of his head.

That can't hold your liquid out in public.

That damn Payne's already starting to get on my nerves.

That I was bad to the bone

That is my deal.

That is the key word in "unit," without the y.

That Phillips will have no choice but to fire him.

That was almost a really good thing...

That you ain't no good

That's a mighty fine handshake you got there.

That's it ?

That's not enough ! Look at 'em !

That's not me. It's not Payne !

That's not what I asked !

That's where you'll find my sympathy !

The dog ain't blind.

The fighting is no longer done on the battlefields, Payne.

The Glee Club...

The green boys.

The head nurse spoke up

The man who lives in my closet.

The nurses all gathered round

The promotion board report came out last week.

The R.O.T.C. program.

The rest of the squad was unaware of my activities.

The rest of you garbage,

The rest of you men feel the same way ?

The squad that lives together, wins together.

The trophy of a champion.

The water on my knee will quench your thirst.

Their hairdo, that is. Heh heh heh.

Them boys need you !

Them some mighty fine vittles.

Then blow me a freaky kiss

Then bring me my trophy.

Then I guess I gotta dig further into my repertoire.

Then let's win it, you bruised up turd !

Then we gotta show you the hatch.

Then you get out there and you toot that horn, boy.

Then you meet me outside the R.O.T.C. buildin' at 2100 hours.

There gotta be somebody need some killin'.

There is no room left for a trained weapon of destruction ?

There was a little engine that could.

There was plenty opposition.

There's a call for you, sir.

There's a situation in Bosnia that requires your special services.

There's only one place where we can go

These animals are so pathetic, their own commander didn't even bother to show up.

These boys have to earn their due.

These Special Forces guys can sleep with their eyes open.

They all stay satisfied

They kicked you out. Remember ?

They may not like me, but they will respect me.

They puttin' on a fashion show.

They wear those green things.

They won't let me go on no black op. Th They say I'm too little.

They'd have issued me one.

Third place: Stapleton.

This ain't no walk in the park ! Move it ! Hustle, hustle !

This here'll pack enough punch to take out an entire football team.

This is a black op, gentlemen.

This is a dramatization of a domestic violence dispute.

This is it, our big chance to get rid of Payne.

This is the new lieutenant colonel list.

This is unsatisfactory !

This little engine's mission...

This morning, you are all equal.

Three.

Tiger ! Tiger, come back here !

Tiger ? Tiger, come back here.

Tiger, Leland,

To be continued. When I come back, I'll tell you...

To challenge...

To his needs.

To see freaky girls doin' shows

To the 58th annual Junior R.O.T.C. Virginia Military Games.

To the games.

To the Madison School.

To understandin'."

Tomorrow, ladies,

Tonight wasn't about fair or unfair.

Toot, toot !

Toot. Toot.

Toot. Toot.

Trust me.

Try it.

Turd this, turd that. Who he think he is ?

Turds ! Front leanin' rest position. Move !

Two ! Look at you.

Two. Three.

Uh, Cadet Alex Stone, sir !

Uh, General, uh, tomorrow are the military games, and I was hoping

Uh, no thanks.

Unacceptable, sir.

Unity, turds.

Uproot yourselves, climb out the pool and get some rest.

Used to be Samson Now I'm Ann

Used to be Samson Now I'm Ann

Wait !

Want me to take back some of those mean and hurtful little things I said ?

Was a bit rough.

Was to take some AK 47s and a nuclear payload...

Watch this.

Way to go this time, Alex.

We busted our asses off out there gettin' ready for this.

We can get down 'cause it's in our souls

We don't have a chance without Payne.

We don't have to go to the games. Payne's gone.

We gonna start the hard stuff.

We got another major on our hands here, guys.

We got the crap kicked out of us because of you !

We got two miles to get to Wellington. Let's get it outta there as fast as we can.

We got work to do.

We gotta get rid of that son of a bitch.

We have an R.O.T.C. program ?

We have nobody to lead the drill.

We started out as boys Now we're men and we're makin' noise

We will be announcing activities throughout the day,

We're gonna have to boost your immune system, son !

We're gonna have to prove...

Welcome, men, to Wellington Academy,

Welcome, parents, to Madison School.

Well,

Well, ain't you gonna eat ?

Well, hello, Miss Walburn.

Well, I told him that you have something that you'd like to say to him.

Well, I'm glad to see you got a sense of humor.

Well, maybe that's because he's six.

Well, thank you, Benson.

Well, that's all this is.

Well, that's just my point.

Well, that's one death warrant signed.

Well, then you should also know that the last thing he needs right now...

Well, what could be more important than my boys winnin' this here competition ?

Well, why not Wuligar ?

Well, you know what y'all got comin' ?

Well, your story, while colorful

Wellington Academy and Madison Academy.

Wellington Academy, sir !

Wellington, present arms !

Weren't you gonna be my big helper ?

What ?

What ?

What about all those stories about the little people that do big things ?

What about you, brown nose ?

What are the boys doing in those dresses ?

What are you doin' here ?

What are you laughin' at, pig boy ?

What are you lookin' at, ass eyes ?

What beanstalk you fall from ?

What do you like to do for fun ?

What do you say ?

What do you think I oughta do with you ?

What do you want, Mister Pee body ?

What happened ? You terminate his command ?

What happened to the other dress ?

What if this was a life or death situation ?

What in the world would anybody want with a blind dog ?

What kind of shootin' is that ?

What the hell are you doin' in my office ?

What the hell happened to you ?

What we've tried to develop here...

What you need You know I got it

What you runnin' from, boy ?

What you want

What, and send you on a vacation ?

What, you callin' me a liar ?

What, you think I'm gonna come and help you make me look bad ?

What'd you really think I was gonna do, marry you ?

What'd you say to me, turd ?

What's the matter with you, boy ?

What's the matter, you can't see, either ?

What's your angle, boy ? You plottin' on me ?

What's your name ? Bushwick Bill ?

What's your name, girlie mouth ?

Whee e e e, doggie !

When I walk the streets

When you make that coochie pop

Where is the first place trophy from the Virginia Military Games ?

Where to ?

While Charlie's growin' stronger in the jungle.

While you were on vacation, we've been havin' some real problems here.

Whip it to me

Who will compete for first and second place in the parade drill competition:

Who you ? Redd Foxx ? No, better yet.

Who's the dummy now ?

Whoa ! Catch it !

Whoever he is, he's on my time now.

Whoo ! You's a pure genius !

Why do I feel like a jackass ?

Why don't you and I become partners...

Why don't you go back to hell where you came from ?

Why don't you run on back to your room...

Why don't you stay back here and guard the base, okay ?

Why me ?

Why you shaved the children bald ?

Why'd you come back then ?

Will the teachers please report to the quad...

Will you be my big helper and help me do that ?

Williams, go.

Williams, you take these guys and fan out the left flank of the school. Go !

With the way you're dealing with the children.

Woman, under this here hat...

Won't complain That's where I'll stay

Won't complain That's where I'll stay

Wuligar. You take these two and cover the right.

Y You said you were gonna

Yeah, brother.

Yeah, but they started it.

Yeah, I was.

Yeah, no thanks to you.

Yeah, to get rid of you.

Yeah, well, maybe that doesn't apply to me.

Yeah, well, uh, l l like this look better, General

Yeah.

Yes !

Yes, and the eye gouging part.

Yes, sir !

Yes, sir ! First exercise will be the side straddle hop !

Yes, sir ! Heigh ho, sir !

Yes, sir. Actually, he is deaf.

Yes, turd ?

Yo, turd sniffer. Maggot face !

You arrive on the scene to find a woman, played by Ms. Goodwin,

You call that being sensitive ?

You can't come. You're too little.

You didn't think they was just gonna hand it to you, did ya ?

You don't know.

You don't like needles ?

You don't take this, there won't be any more chances.

You ever hear of knocking, Dotson ?

You ever hear the story about The Little Engine That Could ?

You eyeball me again, I'll snatch it out and put it in Heathcoat's cookie bag.

You find a piece of candy in your pocket ?

You get two chances to advance,

You get your fat body over that wall !

You go on now.

You guys better start getting ready. We gotta be there in an hour.

You had better give up, senor. You cannot kill us all.

You hit that boy again, I'm gonna do more than salute you.

You ignorant, or you just plain ol' deaf ?

You just missed a little bedtime story.

You know how far we are from the kitchen ?

You know what ? I'm gonna help you make room for lunch, bacon boy.

You know what a nightmare is ?

You know, I heard you've been givin' these boys a hard time.

You know, I think you're really making some wonderful strides...

You know, it's funny, when they stand in front of bushes, I can't see them.

You know, that was the first time I ever drove a man's nose up into his brain,

You know, there ain't no pets allowed on these here premises, Mr. Ace Ventura.

You know, when they're through with you, they're just gonna cut you loose again.

You know, you remind me of the doughboy.

You know, you're out of uniform there, Mr. Fonzarelli.

You ladies want me gone, you'll get your chance.

You like to rhyme, boy ?

You maggots couldn't hit a bull in the ass !

You mean, the explosion !

You must be Major Payne.

You need me to tell you the story about the Little Engine That Could again ?

You need to loosen up.

You Payne ?

You Richard Pryor, ain't you ? Whoo !

You run on back to bed.

You see, now you're dealing with children, and children have special needs.

You set us up.

You tellin' me to shut up ? Why don't you shut your damn mouth...

You think I owe you an apology ?

You think that stopped the little engine that could ?

You think that stopped the little engine that could ?

You think your tears'll stop Charlie from takin' his bayonet...

You thinkin' about leaving yet ?

You tried to do for Tiger tonight.

You want me to show you a little trick take your mind off that pain ?

You want sympathy, look in the dictionary between shit and syphilis !

You wanted in. I got you in.

You will arrive tomorrow at 1600 for briefing.

You will be bald like me !

You will not eat, sleep, drink, blow your nose,

You will reside at the R.O.T.C. buildin'.

You will strive to be like me.

You will walk like me, talk like me,

You won't have to worry about that anymore.

You'll get no sympathy from me !

You're a family, a team.

You're a liar and you're a cheat

You're a no good heartbreaker

You're drunk.

You're gonna need it.

You're just not a soggy one.

You're mine now. I own you.

You're scaring me !

You're still a shit sandwich.

You've graduated... to maggots.

You've killed 'em all. Good luck.

Your damn brother !

Your name is not on it.

Your objective is to effectively neutralize the situation.

Your sorry asses belong to me.

Your unit will be leaving out of Washington.

'Cause you have got the biggest tits.

'Course we do. Who ?

Admiral whatever. It's Major, boy.

Ahhhhh hoo Present arms

Ain't you never been married ?

Alex, did you do it ? How much did it cost ?

All right, Dotson ! Yeah ! Yeah !

All right, we're headin' out to the field... There he is.

And guess what, so is my money Forty inches breast to back.

And I ain't lyin' Just a little bit

and stickin' it in your little tiny heart ?

Are you crazy ? Do it !

B B B B Bad Follow me !

Bad to the bone

Bad to the bone I've been shot !

Both of his parents are dead. Car accident, 1989.

but as your friend.

Closer.

Come in.

Count 'em out ! One, sir.

Damn ! Oh !

Deserve it ? Yeah.

Do you all understand me ? Sir, yes, sir !

Do you understand me ? Sir, yes, sir !

Don't give me that Billy Jack bullshit ! Whoo !

Every woman I meet

Feel I'm gettin' weaker...

Forward march ! Drill leader: Sergeant Michael Rachmill.

Get down, do dat, do dat Whoo ! Whoo ! Whoo ! Whoo !

Get down, do dat, do dat Go, Tiger, oof, oof Oh h h h h h h !

Get in !

Get in. Can't I just stand beside the bed ?

Good plan this time, Alex. Why don't you shut up ?

Got it ? Got it. Come on !

Got no worries, got no care

H Heathcoat, sir ! Heathcoat.

Happy to meet you. Same here.

He just tripped him ! The winner of the relay race is Wellington Academy.

He's back ! He's back ! Who's back ?

Hear me ? Hear me ? Huh ? I l can't Wait ! Agh ! Ooh !

Heh heh heh. Major !

Hello, Betty. Aghhh !

Hello, ma'am. claiming to have been assaulted...

Hey, baby Just a little bit

Hit me with a one, two One, two

Hit me with a three, four Three, four

Hungry for blood.

I am here to remedy that.

I can't hear you ! Sir, yes, sir !

I can't hear you. Sir, yes, sir !

I don't accept that responsibility. It's not negotiable.

I don't need your book. Take it.

I don't want it. Please, Major ?

I don't want it. Take it.

I get hard after seein' you Heh heh heh.

I get tired, keep on tryin' Just a little bit

I got 25. Put me down for 40.

I got somethin' for you. Oh, what is it ?

I heard that it's time for you to leave.

I said win: Whiskey, Indian, November.

I was just gonna Don't touch the whistle.

I'm not gonna chase you.

Is for a little respect when you come home Just a little bit

Is that him ? Yeah, come on !

It is now.

It's gonna cost us. How much you got ? Twenty.

Just a little bit When you get home, now

Just a little bit just a little bit Baby, when you get home

Just a little bit Just a little bit Yeah

Just a, just a, just a Yeah, baby, when you get home

Let's move out ! Get in front of that wall !

Like what ? Like golf.

Major ! Major ! Major ! Bam ! Bam ! Bam !

Major Payne ! What, boy ? What, what, what ?

Major, have you ever done this kind of work before ?

Malcolm X. Well, let me tell you somethin', D.

Me too. Okay.

Mister Just a little bit

Moving that body with plenty of action

Nah, that senile old fool ain't gonna help us.

No, sir ! Don't you know I could snap your neck in 20 different places ?

No, sir ! Well, let me tell you somethin', ass eyes.

No, sir ! What's your name, tubby ?

No, sir. Then you hold it in, you big eared turd,

No. Get off.

Nothing, sir ! You plottin' on me, boy ?

Oh ! Would you like a tour of the campus ?

Oh, shucks. It ain't hard bein' sensitive.

Okay. Okay.

On your mark. Get set.

One, sir. Come on, pork chop !

One, sir. I'm sorry, Mr. Handicapped Man.

One, tubby, tubby !

One, two... three, four Mark time, march !

Oooh ! Ha ha ! Major, ooh, a major !

Or don't they teach that around here ? What superior ?

Or you might walk even further out the door Just a little bit

otherwise I'll kick your ass back to Mayberry !

Payne did something so vile,

Re re re re, re re re respect Respect when you come home

Re re re re, re re re respect Yeah, baby

Ready ! Damn ! He nearly put you in a coma.

Ready on the firing range ! It can't be legal the way he's been treating us.

Ready, squad ! Dotson, sit down and shut up.

Respect when you come home

Shh. Shh. Ahem.

Shut up, Brian ! Shh ! Come on.

Side straddle hop. Squad. Ready.

Sir, yes, sir ! You are no longer the squad leader.

Sock it to me, sock it to me A little respect

Sound off One, two

Sound off Three, four

Take your fat, pork chop body over that You You shut up.

Thank you, sir ! Congratulations.

That I'm bad to the bone My arm !

That's a very cynical plan. Yeah, but it won't backfire.

The green boys, sir. Oh, right.

The hard stuff ?

They did it for themselves. Benson.

They hate you. Good.

This is between me and my son. Stepson.

This one's prettier.

Tiger. Are you crazy ?

To keep on tryin' Just a little bit

To own it ? Yeah.

to Pimp Daddy Payne !

To win it ? Oh, yeah.

Turds, commence firing ! Let's just tell Phillips.

Two, chubby, chubby ! Two, sir.

Two, sir.

Uh, good night, Miss Walburn. Good night, Major.

Uh, I'm Sure. Yeah.

Want me to show you a little trick ?

we are going to win the Virginia Military Games !

Well, I'm stopping it. Don't touch my whistle.

Well, you might want Just a little bit

What ? That's right.

what Bubba used as a penis. Ooh.

What is it ? What ? What ?

What the hell is that ? It's like a super laxative.

What the hell was that, you little freckle faced cartoon ?

What, you want to steal it ? No, sir.

When ya get home Just a little bit

Where is he ? He better get here.

Where were you ? Shh. I did it. I did it.

Whoa, yeah, a little respect Just a little bit

Whoa. Where you goin' ? I'm goin' in the black op.

Why can't I stay here ? 'Cause I said so.

will be meeting at 3:30.

with them big ass ears, boy ! Yeah, Dumbo ! Fly, baby, fly !

Work every time.

Yeah ! Yeah ! Yeah !

Yeah, brother ? Why don't you come closer.

Yeah. All right. Payne'll never know what hit him.

Yes !

Yes. Good !

Yoo hoo ! What ?

You can call me D. D, hmm ?

You hold it, turd. I can't !

You like the way I handle these white boys, D ? Oh, yeah !

You like to beat women ? Officer, l

You nasty little worm !

You should shave your legs more. Shut up !

You wanna wrestle ?

You want me gone, boy ? Yes, sir.

You're runnin' out of food and I ain't lyin' Just a little bit

'Cause he's six ? Woman, when I was six years old I had a full time job.

'Cause I ain't never

'Cause we feel good in our dress

'Cause we feel good in our dress

'Cause Wuligar's gotta take the pictures.

'Less you can flip upside down and walk on your hands, you ain't gonna make it."

"Bad To The Bone" by George Thorogood and the Destroyers

"Die, pig ! Die ! You'll never take Major Benson Winifred Payne alive !"

"Love is the key...

"Pop your titty out his mouth...

"The ABC's of the Loving Male Role Model."

"The Three Bees.