The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas Edit

A ballerina?

A bunch of crazies break into my house tonight,

A chicken shit sheriff in a chicken shit town.

A feller could ask a girl to dance,

A flame about three feet high.

A sock? Yeah.

A year with you is like a minute of sheer happiness.

About signin' that petition to keep her open!

About the other night.

About this and other cases.

Admit that they put less peanuts

Aggies have the ball, second down at eight.

Ah!

Ah! Well, she didn't. I was out there earlier this evenin'.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah. I'm glad I was late.

Aha. I'm sorry, Ed Earl.

Ain't that funny? All this time Miss Mona

Ain't that the truth.

All I'm askin' for is for you to give me a little cooperation

All mornin' long. Sheriff's office.

All right, take this!

All right!

All right! Come along!

All right! Hey, boys!

All rolled up like a Jimmy Dean sausage.

All this publicity's makin' folks think twice

All we wanted to do was keep it quiet.

Already in the legislature, while traditionalists and fundamentalists

Already this bumper sticker is beginning to appear around the state.

Also held a press conference explaining his involvement.

Although petitions are being circulated to save the Chicken Ranch,

Amen to that, Ed Earl.

An eyesore, a fire hazard, I would close it down!

And after we see who wins, we put up the orange or the maroon.

And again, the Longhorns' break is stopped.

And aimed to keep it that way.

And all of this bad publicity's flat ruinin' business.

And all of your big dreams of goin' to the legislature.

And as much as I'd love for it to work,

And coffee over at Dulcie Mae's cafe.

And get those cameras and the rest of that crap off the street.

And give them a little bad publicity

And he actually called my name on television.

And he was a big influence on me,

And he was a heck of a speaker.

And how about Austin? Why, two blocks from the state capitol,

And I became the Sheriff.

And I can only say, as the most dedicated

And I can tell when somebody's peein' on my boots

And I can't go changin' now.

And I figured your phone was out, because...

And I know you're gonna do a real good job in the legislature.

And I saw that Melvin P. Thorpe and a bunch of other fellers

And I think you still could be a ballerina if you wanted to be.

And I thought you might try that on for size.

And I'll take it out back as soon as we're finished.

And I'm proud to have it in my district.

And I'm runnin' a bit behind time.

And I'm talkin' full nuts. I'm not talkin' a half nut,

And I've lived here all my life.

And if they don't do that, they'll run to other women and get diseases!

And it don't make money. Beatrice?

And it was a sorry day for Lanville County.

And it wasn't poultry.

And just get drunker than Cootie Brown?

And Langston downtown is gonna sell the rest.

And makin' civic contributions,

And mighty useful, if you get my meaning.

And Miss Mona, she's gonna get hers, too.

And neither did Miss Wulla Jean's strict set of rules.

And nobody gives me advice!

And now, our own Melvin P. Thorpe Singers.

And now, the Watchdog man himself.

And people can't. Now why is that?

And placed there to harm my reputation and good name.

And potential customers,

And pretty soon it just clears out of the air.

And pretty soon they'd get a little business goin'.

And quiet.

And sayin' "yee haw!"

And she insisted that each girl

And she moved there with her girls from over

And so, as feminists line up behind the bill

And tellin' me it's a rainstorm.

And that one there, there...

And that's a hell of a lot of overhead

And that's close the place down before

And that's how the place got its name.

And the man who turns his back on her illegal operation

And the mayor and the people of my county that voted for me,

And the people of Texas, well, they got what they wanted.

And the principals are not talking.

And then you can let your regular customers...

And they got what they wanted.

And they look like it.

And they shape up faster than goose shit slides through a tin horn.

And they was all headed out towards the Chicken Ranch.

And they're gonna be out there lookin' for women.

And to hell with what Melvin P. Thorpe says!

And wash him off with soap and warm water.

And we are closed down.

And we broke a 30 share.

And we had some tough ones. Right in front of my car!

And we have seen an amazing ball game.

And what kind of pay off you're acceptin' to protect

And what's goin' on is evil, immoral,

And when I start the music, I want you Dogettes to start with me, brisk!

And you even use that little boy of hers

And you wanna know what the law's gonna do about that?

And... Thank you. Thank you very much.

Announcin' it straight out on TV.

Another legend, the legend of the Chicken Ranch.

Anticommunist in the state legislature,

Anyway, just about the time he became sheriff,

Anyway, the mayor was thinkin' maybe

Apres vous!

Are you listenin' good?

Are you serious, Ed Earl?

Aren't you afraid of possible pay offs and bribes?

As a newsman, I have First Amendment protection.

As the Sheriff of Lanville County,

At least, so I've been told.

At the capitol today, the Governor made no statement,

At the Chicken Ranch?

Attaboy!

Aw, come on, Ed Earl. For me.

Aw, no, thank you. That stuff always tears up my stomach.

Aw, shit!

Aw, shit.

Aw, you paid $20 for these?

Be better to do it as soon as possible.

Be careful of the box.

Be like puttin' two bowling balls in a marble bag.

Because I wear the badge in this county!

Because there's a hook in there that's gonna

Because they have a his 'n' hers sexy department at Frederick's

Before they leave. Good seein' ya.

Ben Sawtuck bought all my furniture and fixtures

Billy Joe, light switch.

Both of us are interested in protectin' the public.

Boy, I sure didn't know you had dreams that big.

Boy, you sent him hightailin'. I was so proud of you!

Boys, boys! That was the greatest victory

Boys, I got myself a pretty good bullshit detector.

Braggin', braggin', braggin'.

Brazen and against the law!

Brewin' about three days before.

But actually, the real trouble started

But before you closed down the Chicken Ranch,

But he's a sensationalist, Ed Earl.

But here in the town of Gilbert,

But I do believe I can fill it out.

But I don't believe that.

But I don't know what to do now.

But I figure there's only one thing left to do.

But I haven't made that decision yet! Good.

But I read the Bible. I believe in Jesus.

But I've thought about this for a long time.

But if you was to marry me...

But it didn't faze Ed Earl.

But it wasn't always easy in them days to come up with hard cash.

But it's gonna always be just like it is.

But it's not what my people want.

But just like you don't want to mess with the Chicken Ranch,

But let's not confuse crime with committin' a sin.

But never in an unladylike way.

But now everything's openin' up.

But one thing I ain't never seen, man nor woman, is a grown up.

But Senator Charles Wingwood,

But that don't mean they don't feel it in their heart.

But the Chicken Ranch loses, 42 to 37, with 21 % undecided.

But the law is the law!

But the moment her luck ran sour, you want to run out on her.

But there's nothin'.

But there's one thing you can't do and that's broadcast gutter talk on TV.

But these afternoons with you have got to top the list.

But they heard it in their livin' room.

But think of the people out there.

But this is serious! Honey.

But we can't just sit around here waitin' to grow tits!

But we're gonna beat this thing. I ain't worried about it.

But when I was gettin' me some sexy things, I thought about you,

But with television broadcasting this from hell to breakfast,

But you know, Jesus was really good

But you show up with your TV camera

But... Governor! Governor...

By communists or communist sympathizers

By their alumni association.

Bye.

Bye.

Call the Sheriff! It's that Melvin P. Thorpe sucker!

Calm down, Rufus! It can't be as bad as all that.

Can you believe that man?

Can you dig it?

Can't it wait?

Careful.

Check her gentleman for the clap

Clear.

Close it down!

Close it down! She was just fine as long as she was bringin' in the money

Come in.

Come on in, Fred!

Come on over here and give me a little lip lock.

Come on over here. I'd like you to meet my girls.

Come on, boys!

Come on, boys! We gotta leave.

Come on, Deputy Fred!

Come on, Ed Earl!

Come on, move this thing! I'll get you for this.

Come on, Rufus! I'll make some phone calls.

Come on!

Come on! Look who's here.

Come on. No!

Come on. One itsy bitsy peek?

Come to think of it, I'd love to do an interview with you.

Comin' in here, takin' pictures, invadin' my privacy,

Congratulations!

Consumer advocate Melvin P. Thorpe,

Cool reasonin', he used to tell me, could solve any problem.

Course he did have a bit of a temper.

Course, he sure did know his job,

Course, now, you can't say the same, can you?

Cussin' sheriff of Lanville County.

Cut! All right, now, stay with me, boys.

Cut. Come on.

Dad gum it, Ed Earl! If you ain't a pluperfect fool!

Damn it, C.J.! You pious pissant.

Damn it!

Damn it! You gave me your word!

Damn nonprofit recreational facility.

Damn! I thought when the Sheriff went

Damn. That man is crazier than a peach orchard sow.

Dawn?

Deputy Fred. I want you to hold down the fort for a while.

Did I say illegal? Yes, I did!

Did you get any of that?

Didn't he tell you that?

Didn't I? Yeah.

Didn't you hear what I said?

Didn't you know about that, Miss Mona?

Do we have to wear these ball gowns again?

Do you catch my drift?

Do you know he wears a sock in his underwear?

Do you know we are in the middle of a worldwide sexual revolution?

Doin' pleasure with you, Charlie.

Don't be too hard on him. He loves you.

Don't feel sorry for me.

Don't get your back up!

Don't I always?

Don't let your mother see you do that.

Don't move. Be right back.

Don't touch that dial! This is Melvin P. Thorpe

Don't you know nothin' about the Bible?

Don't you talk to me about trust! I trusted you to protect me!

Don't you threaten me. I'm tellin' the truth, and you know it!

Don't you worry about a thing, honey.

Doreen! Get my heart pills!

Down in Houston.

Drag your ass to a wedding chapel.

Economic asset to the community.

Ed Earl, I am givin' you my word.

Ed Earl, I believe the thing for you to do is

Ed Earl, I paid $20 for these, plus postage. And I want you to wear it.

Ed Earl, now, you can set up speed traps to catch the tourists.

Ed Earl, please don't go doin' something stupid you're gonna be sorry for!

Ed Earl, that man has made a fool out of you.

Ed Earl, you better turn on Channel 4.

Ed Earl?

Ed Earl.

Ed Earl's up in the state legislature now,

Eloise, honey?

Enough of this pussyfootin', Governor.

Especially Ed Earl.

Even governors who can remember what a great institution it is.

Evenin', Sheriff.

Everybody liked Ed Earl,

Everybody's talkin' about it.

Everything's gonna be fine, Mona.

Everything's gonna turn out just fine.

Everything's gonna turn out slicker than cat shit

Excuse me, Ed Earl. I gotta go.

Feel like the country dog in the city.

Fine...

First thing. First thing is you're standin' in Lanville County,

Fly around.

Folks been jumpin' on me

For a report, here is Jeff Gerald in Gilbert, Texas.

For money that you can get in Tangier!

For one of your all night stag parties over at the Legionnaire Hall.

For one reason or another.

For that sincere and heart warming ovation.

For the decriminalization of prostitution

For your deputies down at the gate.

Found it necessary for me to close it down,

Get away!

Get him, Sheriff.

Get out of the way!

Get outta here! Move this thing!

Get this.

Get you and your singin' chorus the hell out of town!

Gettin' in and out of my clothes.

Girl, that's the best idea you had all year. When we gonna do this?

Give it two months. What's two months?

Give me that. Now.

Go get him, Sheriff!

Go into training right now. Just start jumpin' up and down.

God almighty.

God damn it, Mona, you're makin' me mad!

Goin' out to the Chicken Ranch, was he?

Good mornin'.

Good morning, Jewel.

Good neighbors, we're about to enter the whorehouse itself.

Good people of Gilbert, may I have your attention, please?

Good. You know it's always a business

Goodbye, Jewel.

Goodbye, Rita.

Goodbye, Sheriff.

Got all out of hand if it hadn't been

Got no peckers?

Governor, do you plan to take action against the Chicken Ranch?

Governor, if the citizens who elected me

Governor, what do you think of the crisis in the Middle East?

Governor! Governor.

Governor! Yeah.

Governor? I have Sheriff Dodd from Gilbert

Governor. I know I'm way out of line comin' up here like this,

Great God from Goldsboro!

Happy Thanksgiving. You want a drink?

Has a report on the late night news.

Have to roll down your socks to shit!

Have you seen the evidence of the disgraceful situation

He ain't gonna be able to stop it this time, is he?

He came right in her house, set right down at the foot of her bed.

He don't know how to fight 'em.

He don't see anybody!

He drove over to Meritsville. He'll be gone all afternoon.

He drove up last night.

He just buckled up his legs and sat right down!

He just walked over to that jackass and laid down the law.

He knows I was kiddin'.

He made the makers of the Peanut Delight candy bar

He made them change their ways.

He shows up with his TV cameras every time a consumer has a complaint.

He sure as hell ain't gonna hear about it from anybody in this room.

He sure is wound up.

He tipped me off that Melvin P. Thorpe's

He used to like to run a quiet town,

He wants a meeting right away.

He was always bein' very sociable.

He went to this big weddin' once and they ran out of wine.

He'll be along.

He'll be happy to hear that.

He'll see me.

He's a menace to the business community.

He's been here since early this morning and is very insistent.

He's gettin' some pictures for a piece on the late news tonight.

He's gonna be real disappointed!

He's gonna kick that boy's ass.

He's got a lot of influence out there.

He's got a new show now, a half hour once a week,

He's got a whole posse of TV cameramen. You better come take a look.

He's just a good old boy that ain't never gonna grow up.

He's that crazy consumer advocate.

He's that feller that put the peanuts back in the chocolate bar.

Held a press conference this afternoon.

Hell, he wants to go national!

Hell, Miss Mona, I didn't think you'd remember.

Hell, you can even let Miss Mona run her place out there!

Hell! That calls for a drink.

Hello, Dulcie Mae. You know Miss Mona.

Hello?

Henry. Lights. Light switch.

Here goes, and may God forgive me!

Here in Houston, he's becomin' a regular Texas attraction.

Here they are, Governor. What you've been waitin' for.

Here's your receipt. Thank you, Rita.

Hey, boys!

Hey, boys! I think you'll find

Hey, Deputy Fred. Morning, girls!

Hey, I like that.

Hey, look! Did you see that shootin' star?

Hey, Miss Mona.

Hey, Sheriff.

Hey!

Hey. All right! Hey, come on.

Hi, Jerry.

Hi, Sheriff. This better be important.

Hi!

High ratings. Lots of letters. He doesn't listen to anybody.

Hit it.

Hold my jock! You can't handle the job!

Hold this.

Holy shit!

Holy shit! Oh, my God, that man's crazy!

Honey, we see everything in this profession.

Hooray! Aha!

Hospital fund, new swimmin' pool, even the Little Leaguers.

Hot damn!

Hot damn.

How are you doin', Deputy Fred?

How are you, Sheriff?

How can I ask her to leave when all I want her to do is stay?

How could what he's sayin' be so goddamn important?

How do you like it?

How do you like the outfit?

How long do we have?

How they feel about the infamous bordello

How was I supposed to handle that situation?

How'd you like it?

How's Mary Margaret and the kids?

How's your tallywacker hangin'?

Howdy again, good neighbors. Melvin P. Thorpe, the old Watchdog himself,

Howdy, boys!

Howdy, ma'am. I'm Senator Wingwood

I ain't never seen anything bad come out of there yet,

I ain't threatenin' you, Governor.

I always keep my campaign promises?

I always knew you'd come through!

I always take my shower in the mornin'.

I been fightin' crime all my life,

I believe I could win.

I can see that.

I can tell you. Nothin'!

I can't stand it if them Aggies win.

I can't tell you how thrilled we are with your contribution.

I cannot believe that sucker!

I could close this place down in a New York minute!

I could, put that on my card?

I couldn't be a ballerina now. I'm too top heavy.

I designed this myself.

I did promise.

I did, darlin'.

I didn't hardly get to even see them!

I didn't know they was takin' pictures.

I don't believe in matrimony. It screws up a relationship.

I don't care!

I don't give a damn

I don't give a damn what people say.

I don't have one tenth the trouble from Miss Mona's that I have from you

I don't have to listen to this shit. Damn it! I'm the law.

I don't know anything about that electronic bullshit!

I don't know what I'd do if that happened to me.

I don't know what you're talkin' about, "I don't look sexy. "

I don't know why I let people talk me into serving as mayor

I don't know, but it's too late in the year for a carnival.

I don't think I'm the type.

I don't think my girls would be either.

I don't think so, thank you very much.

I don't think you got any problem there.

I don't wanna ruffle this old bird's feathers.

I expect a little protection for my money!

I forgot all about that.

I got a little influence around this state myself.

I got it right here.

I gotta close you down.

I guess you'll be goin' over there for Thanksgivin' dinner.

I had a dream once.

I have a hard enough time balancin' these

I have a report here that says that the Chicken Ranch

I have no independent recollection of going to the Chicken Ranch.

I have to tell my girls.

I haven't been to bed with another woman besides you in three years.

I haven't sold a car in a week.

I hear him talking but he don't come in.

I hear you're very popular.

I hope I'm not...

I intend to.

I just don't know nothin' about no Ezekiel in the Bible.

I just hate the looks of them things.

I kind of like to think that that's what heaven is all about.

I knew Ezekiel Peebles once in the eighth grade.

I know deep down in my heart it ain't never gonna be.

I know what I'm askin' you to do is gonna

I know what my job is! Don't be tellin' me what my goddamn job is!

I know you.

I know you're gonna get your dream.

I know.

I know.

I know.

I like that.

I like that.

I lost my temper.

I love you.

I love you.

I made a mistake tonight, okay?

I mean, right or wrong...

I mean, those ladies out there,

I myself am gonna take this report to Austin

I never told anybody this, Mona, but...

I picked up a package. The very latest thing from Frederick's of Hollywood.

I read in the Reader's Digest...

I said some things I shouldn't have said.

I saw a picture once.

I saw your car parked from the highway

I see.

I set my course a long time ago

I started out poor, and I worked my way up to outcast.

I suppose you're wonderin' what happened to Miss Mona.

I sure hope you come up north to visit Miss Mona and me.

I swear, I could get the mayor's own children

I think it is. That Melvin P. Thorpe

I think Jesus was...

I think the one about the...

I think we both said a whole lot of things we regret.

I thought you might like.

I thought you would.

I took it as a blessin'. Of course, things were different then.

I trusted you. That's what hurt. I trusted you!

I understand.

I use a camera, you use a gun.

I wanna see 60 nuts inside.

I want to apologize.

I want you to be my guest.

I want you to thank your boys for me.

I wanted you to know all the facts.

I warned you yesterday about losin' your temper and carryin' on.

I was a deputy back then,

I was home in bed, because you gave me

I was readin' in the Reader's Digest...

I was sayin' just this morning at the weekly

I was thinkin' of runnin' for the legislature someday.

I wasn't aware of her civic generosity.

I went by the post office this morning.

I would close it down.

I would like to speak to you about a matter of great importance and concern.

I wouldn't be surprised if your granddaddy took your daddy out there

I... I wish

I... I'm gettin' dressed.

I'd love to see that sheriff's face right now!

I'd tread easy on this one. Them TV boys can be mighty powerful.

I'll be back with more.

I'll do things my own way. I'm gonna make up my own damn mind!

I'll see all you seniors out at Miss Mona's.

I'll tell him you called. Bye. Mornin', Sheriff.

I'll tell you if you won't laugh.

I'll tell you something, honey.

I'll tell you something.

I'm a business woman payin' out double taxes!

I'm a lawman. That's my interest.

I'm fine. How are you, Porky?

I'm from New Jersey.

I'm goin' to Houston. I'm gonna take care

I'm gonna give you 30 seconds, you fancified fart.

I'm gonna have that printed up on a little card.

I'm gonna knock you so flat you're gonna

I'm gonna knock you so flat you're gonna!

I'm no moralizer. I leave all that to the preacher.

I'm not one of those sensation mongers out to boost his own ego!

I'm not. I'm not. He forgives me.

I'm out there fightin' for the rights of the public, just like you.

I'm so pleased to see ya. I knew you couldn't let me leave

I'm sorry the sheriff wasn't here to thank you.

I'm sorry, Mona, about the whole situation.

I'm speakin' to you about nothin' less

I'm sure it will, honey. That party is a bigger tradition than the game.

I'm talkin' a full nut.

I'm talkin' about the Chicken Ranch, my friends.

I'm talkin' to you about official blindness,

I'm the electronic bounty hunter.

I've had calls from four preachers,

I've known a lot of women in my life.

I've known Miss Mona for 12 years.

I've made a little money, I've laughed some, I've danced to the music.

I've worn boxer shorts for years!

If folks want their ass tickled with a feather!

If he brings cameras out to the Chicken Ranch...

If I choose to, I'll close this place down till hell freezes over.

If I ever see you or any of those

If I ever see you or any of those little bastards

If I run, they bite me in the ass.

If I stand still, they screw me.

If Jesus comes to your house, all hell's gonna break loose.

If Miss Mona and the girls that work for her were jeopardizin' the health,

If that's your idea of an apology, it ain't worth armadillo crap.

If the place was just a piddlin' nuisance,

If there's ever anything I can do...

If they can't find 'em, they'll **** 'em.

If they have to go for all the marbles,

If they look half as good on you as I think they're going to

If you know that for a fact, Mr. Newspaper Editor,

If you see somebody without a smile, give 'em yours.

If you'd done what you said you were gonna do!

If you'd just drop the whole thing.

Immediately and permanently.

Implications to the health of this town!

In each bar than they advertised.

In fact, a guy could hurt himself wearin' those things.

In front of the... Courthouse!

In the hopes that the Governor himself

In this beautiful state of ours.

Inside.

Interrupting anything.

Is a sorry son of a bitch.

Is a woman known only as Miss Mona.

Is gonna accuse me of takin' a bribe and live to tell about it

Is gonna accuse me of takin' a bribe and live to tell about it

Is involved with and under the influence of organized crime.

Is settin' up his television show

Is Sheriff Ed Earl Dodd!

Is showing little activity after the disclosure yesterday

Is that headed out for the Chicken Ranch.

Is this the kind of foul mouthed example

Is this the kind of man we want runnin' our law enforcement?

Isn't this wonderful?

It don't look too little to me.

It lay about a mile outside the city limits,

It was my fault, Jewel. It was my decision.

It was only during the Hoover depression

It was the nicest little whorehouse you ever saw.

It wasn't long before the place became

It's a fittin' celebration for today's victory!

It's a hell of a lot better than bein' a whore.

It's a Japanese slingshot.

It's affectin' my pieces on the late night news.

It's all very well to take that attitude, Ed Earl,

It's Deputy Fred. Fred.

It's different.

It's downright tacky.

It's good to see you. Keepin' an eye on my place at night?

It's good to see you. Nice to meet you.

It's just time to pay the fiddler, that's all.

It's kinda like the end of an era.

It's like a graduation dance.

It's me, Deputy Fred!

It's my duty to tell you that...

It's nice to see you.

It's no big secret.

It's ruinin' the town.

It's that damn bilingual bullshit again.

It's the Thanksgiving game, Miss Mona. And that's real special.

It's them damn droopy boxer drawers.

It's your duty to expose it!

It's your show I want to talk to you about, Mr Thorpe.

Its doors have been open to soldiers and presidents and farmers.

Jeff Gerald, ABC News, Gilbert, Texas.

Jerry Rogers of the Houston Post.

Jewel, what in hell is goin' on?

Jewel! Hold it right there!

Just as quick as you can.

Just go in there, make yourself comfortable.

Just got a call from the Sheriff,

Just have to give it a chance.

Just hold that for me, will you?

Just how much I miss all the little stuff

Just like a snap.

Just talkin' about you. How are ya?

Just to put this whole thing behind you

Just trust me.

Just went on with the party as planned, that'd be all right?

Keepin' an eye on what's goin' on

Ladies and gentlemen, His Excellency, the Governor of Texas.

Last night I wasn't on the 11:00 news!

Last night you said you was proud of me.

Last week Well...

Law enforcement.

Leave that boy out of it!

Leave that little shithead to me.

Legalized prostitution, pro or con, is in the news today.

Let me give you a word of advice from

Let's get to those vans! We're gonna make the mornin' news!

Let's go!

Let's hear it, Melvin! Lay it on us.

Lights! Everybody up!

Like a broken record. Chicken Ranch, Chicken Ranch, Chicken Ranch!

Like a home away from home.

Like the angels.

Like the time the mule sat on Miss Modene's car.

Linda Lou.

Listen at him cuss and shout. Just like on TV!

Little fat buddy, up to now you got two tickets.

Little feet, little hands, got no peckers.

Little is the key word here. They are real little.

Lobby for its defeat, the fate of the Chicken Ranch

Look at them stars.

Look, if you won't close her down, at least

Lookit here! Watch this.

Lord, I hope not. I got a closet full of 'em now.

Lost the fried chicken franchise here in town,

Love to help you, Ed Earl,

Loveless copulation?

Make yourself to home. See you later, partner.

Makes me feel real sexy.

May be mean, but he's ours!

Maybe in a couple of weeks the whole thing will blow over

Maybe less.

Me and you used to do, like goin' up to the lake.

Me too! You just hold your horses. I got a surprise for you.

Me? Jumpin' up and down? I'd black both my eyes.

Me? Yeah, you.

Melvin P. Thorpe

Melvin P. Thorpe is now the biggest attraction at this station.

Melvin P. Thorpe!

Melvin P. Thorpe.

Melvin P. Thorpe. Gotcha!

Melvin P. Thorpe. Watchdog News.

Melvin still outside? Maybe I can catch the television cameras

Melvin, I'm sorry.

Melvin.

Messages here from outraged citizens,

Mighty proud to meet you.

Miss Mona has just capped the goal for

Miss Mona likes to create somethin' special for the boys.

Miss Mona married Ed Earl

Miss Mona promised me to close the place down for two months.

Miss Mona!

Miss Wulla Jean passed on.

Miss Wulla Jean put a pianola in the

Miss Wulla Jean put in a jukebox to spark up business.

Mona, there's something I wanna tell you.

Mona, this is an official call.

Mona, we've been together a long time.

Mona, you know me better than that.

Mona?

Mona?

Mona.

Mornin', Rita. Here's your calls.

Most corporations involved in false advertisin'

Most of the politicians have slept there.

Move it! Come on!

Move, you schmuck!

Mr Thorpe?

My aides are still workin' on that.

My Frank, when he was alive, used to go up there every Saturday.

My friends, I want to thank you

My girls would love to show you a little appreciation.

My wife couldn't believe what she saw last night.

Nice man, but dumb.

No need to bring that up, Sheriff.

No need to stop now.

No one. No one was ever forced to go up there.

No one's blamin' you, Ed Earl. It ain't your fault.

No questions, please.

No reason except the goddam cries

No way.

No, I didn't know that.

No, it's jockey shorts with little silver snaps on the side.

No, no, no, no... Hi, Sheriff!

No, no, no!

No, thank you. I think you've done all you could.

No, you could! Oh, don't be ridiculous!

No, you tell your mayor he's got nothing to fear from me on that score.

No!

No! No.

No! There's been a party here.

No. He'd like to, but he's out of his league.

No. I'm goin' to Austin.

No. No, he didn't.

Nobody tells me how to run my goddam job,

None of 'em has ever been exciting to me like you are.

None of this would have happened.

Not now! Idiot boy.

Not that it's big news to anybody over three months of age.

Nothin' better, once you've had the best.

Nothing can be that important that it can't wait till this afternoon.

Now get out of here.

Now, don't be sacrilegious.

Now, Ed Earl, I ain't tellin' you nothin'.

Now, I know that this is TV,

Now, I'm the law!

Now, now, the way I see it, the Chicken Ranch served a purpose once.

Now, Sheriff, Sheriff. Keep a grip on yourself.

Now, thanks to Ed Earl, it's the hottest thing

Now, that's what the little silver snaps are for.

Now, this thing's gotten way out of hand. I don't know how.

Now, wait a minute.

Now, would I wanna disappoint my little honey?

Now, you better get that travellin' circus out of town

Nowadays women enjoy doin' that sort of thing themselves.

Number three. No sawed off little pecker

Number three. No sawed offlittle

Number two. You ain't the law around here and I am.

Nuts in the chocolate bar.

Of a muckrakin' sensationalist on television.

Of course I trust you, you big cowboy. Ain't I always?

Of course, if you grew up anywhere in Texas,

Of that little peckerwood myself.

Of that stinkhole you call Houston.

Of the 19th District and the Aggie class of '49.

Of the Texas Aggies Texas U football game at Thanksgiving,

Of the Thanksgiving night raid.

Of this incorporated sand trap anyway!

Official corruption, official malfeasance.

Oh, Ed Earl, I like a lot of things,

Oh, Ed Earl, I've loved you since I was 16 years old.

Oh, Fred, you mean to tell me you don't think

Oh, go on.

Oh, ho, ho, ho! Miss Mona!

Oh, how nice!

Oh, I was makin' my rounds around town,

Oh, I won't laugh.

Oh, I'm always ready.

Oh, I'm on! Friend Ed, I gotta go.

Oh, I'm so glad to see ya.

Oh, it's all right, Ed Earl.

Oh, it's the mayor. He wants to speak to you.

Oh, my goodness, he's talkin' about us!

Oh, my goodness!

Oh, no.

Oh, nonsense! You're exactly what the public would like to see.

Oh, now and again there'd be a problem,

Oh, please! It's my pleasure, my honor.

Oh, really?

Oh, Sheriff!

Oh, Sheriff! I been real good all week. I've lost six pounds.

Oh, shit!

Oh, yeah! Come on! All right!

Oh, yeah?

Oh, yeah? Please...

Oh, yeah? We're perfectly within the law.

Oh, yeah? Well, don't take nothin' off them cheeks.

Oh, yes, of course! We've met. Mornin'.

Oh, you're kiddin' me. You smart ass.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh. Hold that position?

Oh. What'll we do?

Oh. Yeah?

Okay, okay, okay! I'll shut it down.

Okay, Rufus. What's on your mind?

On a linoleum floor.

On every "hell," "goddamn," and "shit. "

On the air since The Gong Show.

On this Chicken Ranch business!

On this issue and uphold the law.

One bird, one lay.

One elected official to another.

One for paradin' without a license and the other for insultin' me.

One of the better known pleasure palaces in all of Texas.

One of them TV folks, looks like to me.

Only been one here for about 150 years.

Oop. Gotta brush my teeth.

Oop. Melvin.

Or I'll whip your butt so bad it'll look like the stripes on a barber pole.

Or I'm gonna lock you up so fast your corset's gonna pop!

Or if he held back a little, she'd ask him.

Or nut bits or nut chips.

Parlor to sorta help break the ice.

People just get sick of hearin' it

People really do like you, though.

People tell me I have a real sexy quality about me.

Plannin' an expose on the Chicken Ranch.

Please. You watch the show, Ed?

Prayer breakfast in this historic capitol

Put on the television. Channel 4.

Quiet.

Reaction across the state is split 50 50.

Ready?

Really? Even after all these years we've been meetin' like this?

Really? Sure.

Really? We'll discuss it after the show.

Reckon if I was to run for the legislature,

Reckon you fellas are waitin' to talk to me.

Remember? Did you remember to bring my check?

Rests with the Governor,

Right from the beginning,

Right or wrong don't interest me!

Right out in front of the courthouse!

Right out in front of... Your office!

Right, Sheriff?

Right, Sheriff.

Rita's been callin' all over the county for you.

Ruby Rae, start 'em.

Run her out of town.

Run out on her like rats from a burnin' barn!

Run the film.

Runnin' wide open in their American home town.

Say, "How do you like Miss Mona?"

Sayin' I'll be back with new and revealin' information

See the Governor, tell him Miss Mona's side of the situation.

See you later, Miss Mona. Okay. Goodbye.

See you on TV!

See you're takin' the old juke with you.

See, I moved to Houston six years ago.

See, there ain't nothin' goin' on out there.

See, you take a lot of young boys

Seems like folks got nothin' else to talk about but this Chicken Ranch mess.

Senator, roll call.

Senator, the eyes of Texas are upon you.

Senator, you ain't forgot you was gonna

Sent their sons back in World War ll.

She ain't got a handful of supporters left, Ed Earl.

She bought 'em uniforms so they wouldn't have to play in their overalls.

She left the Chicken Ranch to her favorite workin' girl, Mona Stangley,

She liked her ladies, as she called 'em,

She never refuses a charity. The whole town likes her.

She said she's in a real big hurry but just dropped by to give you this.

She was really havin' a hissy fit,

Sheriff Ed Earl Dodd. They told me you were here. Come on in.

Sheriff Jack Roy Wallace couldn't

Sheriff Jack Roy Wallace picked it out for Miss Wulla Jean in 1910,

Sheriff!

Sheriff?

Shinin' a spotlight on Gilbert,

Shoot, Miss Mona. You know I'm a married man!

Shoot.

Show's over, Sheriff. Close it down!

Shut down for two months!

Since General Eisenhower won!

Since old Jack Roy Wallace retired.

Sit down. Anywhere over here.

Sit down. I've got my TV show to do,

Six deacons, and the presidents of two garden clubs!

So don't be tellin' me what my goddamn job is,

So everybody could feel real friendly.

So for a while, as the story goes,

So get outta here, you goddamn,

So I can get through a difficult situation

So I can't see it's any of your business

So I'm gonna try to be as delicate as I can!

So long, partner.

So much so that the fellers who visited during World War I

So the girls left

So would I.

So you and you listen good! You!

So you been sayin'.

So you can play weekend daddy!

So you know how hard this is for me to say.

So you listen and listen good, you over padded, televisin' turd.

So, for over three generations,

So, I told you 100 times,

So, if it says "60 nuts" on the wrapper,

Sock.

Sock. Beg your pardon?

Some folks think that that's when the trouble started.

Some men can't say the words, honey.

Some of the fellers claimed that that was the best part!

Something that could have serious

Sometimes I think you know me better than I know myself.

Sometimes it's gotta be changed.

Son of a bitch. What the hell's going on?

Son of a... Bitch.

Sorry son of a bitch.

Sounds like a tough customer.

Stay with me. Come on. Come on, boys.

Stop whimperin', Rufus.

Suits me, Mom.

Sung. Sung to music.

Sure are. The Sheriff's real particular about security out there.

Sure.

Swearin' Sheriff Dodd? The one on TV?

Swoopin' down and pickin' me up and takin' me off to heaven.

Taddy Jo.

Tah dah!

Take her picture! Thank you!

Take the championship next year.

Take their picture!

Take us to the Chicken Ranch, did ya?

Takin' a shower.

Talk about the part

Taught me everything I know.

Television is a family medium.

Television.

Tell her to lay low for a couple of months!

Tell him I'll be there when I get there.

Tell him, C.J.! Just like you told me.

Tellin' me that we got a whorehouse in Lanville County.

Texas A&M heavily favored, but we're tied 12 12.

Texas suits my style.

Than your community's moral health!

Thank God we still live in a society where anything

Thank you for callin'.

Thank you, fellow Texans, and welcome to The Watchdog Report,

Thank you, Jeff. If there are further...

Thank you, ma'am.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you. Yeah.

That ain't fair, dang it!

That Chicken Ranch is gonna get it in the neck!

That could hurt people. You take that report

That emotion plays in a game like this!

That every schoolboy in the state knows about it.

That has been allowed to exist for close to a 100 years.

That I must have been drugged

That is a hell of a lot to ask somebody, Ed Earl.

That is, until about seven years ago.

That it behooves both the **** and the Arabs

That Melvin P. Thorpe idiot's got you on TV again.

That Melvin P. Thorpe is shootin' off his mouth again.

That notorious house of ill repute.

That one.

That pitiful putz. Would you just pull that up?

That place is older than rocks and water.

That the little house had a spell of tough times.

That was right after I had

That we're gonna shut down for two months.

That work for you in my town again,

That work for you in my town again,

That's a possible maybe.

That's all they are. They're just dreams,

That's all you're gonna see,

That's funny, now, how God can forgive you,

That's just it, Ed Earl. Who's gonna put out that fire?

That's just it.

That's my cue.

That's one of my favorites.

That's phony or dishonest can't stand the light of day.

That's tellin' him, Sheriff!

That's typical of them crusadin' fanatics.

That's what the Bible says about spaceships in Ezekiel.

That's your job, Ed Earl. Ain't that what they pay you for?

The Aggies.

The best part?

The Chicken Ranch has been in my county since before I was born.

The Chicken Ranch has many supporters.

The Chicken Ranch on TV. Now, come on, fellas.

The Chicken Ranch went peacefully about its business,

The Chicken Ranch, the legendary, long running bawdy house,

The Chicken Ranch? I think it's a good idea.

The Chicken Ranch.

The city planning commissioner was drivin' a city car...

The cows don't appreciate the time off

The deputy at the front gate keeps away onlookers

The eyes and ears of Texas, Melvin P. Thorpe!

The girls began accepting poultry in trade.

The hardware store on Main Street.

The holidays are comin' up.

The hospitality and friendliness never changed,

The law, right, partner?

The law! You wanna talk about the law!

The little house was kinda special,

The Little League fund campaign.

The little town with the big shame.

The new?

The old Watchdog, Melvin P. Thorpe, got what he wanted.

The only traffic we are blockin'

The phones have been ringin' like that

The point I'm tryin' to make is

The polls. You can't expect me to go against the polls.

The power of television, of public exposure, is so great it scares me.

The proprietor of this innocent lookin' ranch house

The public has a right to know what is goin' on out there

The same as usual. Not a damn thing.

The sheriff of Gilbert, Ed Earl Dodd, refused interviews,

The Watchdog Report. It's on tonight.

The whole town's talkin' about the way he fought for you.

Them fellers that's supposed to be from up there.

There he is. Come on, boys.

There just ain't no way in this world it can work.

There was somethin' I could do.

There's just one thing to do.

There's some folks gettin' up a petition to close the Chicken Ranch.

There's somebody ticklin' your ass with a feather.

These are a brand new pair.

They bleeped him out, but she read his lips

They flare up every few months.

They like you, too.

They pay their taxes. Just like you and me!

They perform a necessary function.

They say an honest man can't be elected in this country anymore.

They say, "Shoot, she's a fine woman. Fine, friendly and nice. "

They try the middle of the Texas defense,

They want me to close her down,

They want to keep things just the way they are.

They were treated to a night out at the Chicken Ranch

They will have to throw to the end zone right now.

They'd have no reason to do nothin'

They're always confusin' crime with sin.

They're healthy, taxpayin', law abidin' citizens

They're ridiculous. They're impossible.

They're sexy.

They're smokin' cocaine!

They're such animals. Always yellin' and jumpin' about

Things are just never the same again.

Things now, without gettin' on my toes.

Think I busted his jaw.

Think I'll use that as my campaign slogan.

This better be important.

This goddam Melvin P. Thorpe's got the whole state bamboozled.

This is a good country.

This is it. Thank you.

This is serious, Ed Earl. You gotta do something.

This is the sponsor's booth.

This is what the people want.

This may be the most important scoop of my television career.

This old place looks kinda funny, don't it?

This University of Texas defense...

This week's spotlight will shine on a shameful situation

Those Aggies was just celebratin' to beat the band.

Those girls out there have never caused any trouble to anybody.

Those girls went to doctors.

Those kids'll be so excited, and the mayor, too.

Those sightseers and reporters would have

Time is winding down.

Time running out. Miller rolls to the right. Pass! Touchdown!

Tiny little fellers, bald headed.

To ask some of the local citizens

To become anything in particular.

To learn about the birds and the bees.

To Mary Magdalene, the fallen woman.

To meet me! Charlie, who you think you're talkin' to?

To pay out when cash ain't comin' in.

To settle their differences in a Christian manner.

To throw rocks at him.

To treat her customers real good,

Turn its cameras to the cesspool in their own backyard?

Turn out to be the best thing for both of us.

Two dollars' worth.

Two months. What's two months?

Unnecessary publicity? He's got me all wrong!

Until that famous college football celebration.

Up next, Melvin P. Thorpe continues his expose of the Chicken Ranch

Up to Austin to speak to the Governor,

Up, up, up. They just love my little report.

Wait, a second.

Wait. Bingo.

Wait'll I get my hands...

Waiting outside to see you.

Wants to be watchdog for the whole U.S. of A.

Was a real good man.

Was at the back knockin' on the screen door.

Was that a yes or a no?

Was the best ratin' we ever had.

Watch me. You know what you gotta do.

Watch your step.

Watch your temper.

Watchdog never sleeps!

Watching you get undressed is the best part.

We all go to hell in a handbasket.

We are in the same profession.

We could make it work.

We seem to be havin' some acoustic problems in here.

We should've done what the sheriff said and kept this place closed.

We string up the white first

We sure are!

We wanna set for our young, innocent children?

We'd get a reprieve.

We're here at the Lanville County Courthouse

We've got a nice surprise for you.

Wealth or moral scruples of the community, I would close it down.

Well I know it's special, Jewel!

Well, ain't I always?

Well, because people are not very God like, Mona.

Well, Ed Earl drove up there on her last day.

Well, everything was goin' along fine, just like always,

Well, fine! I'm goin' in the bathroom and... Put these on.

Well, fine! Then I'm gettin' dressed and goin' home.

Well, he ain't never said it.

Well, he'd better!

Well, hellfire. Is that it?

Well, honey, I've had a lot of practice

Well, howdy, boys.

Well, I ain't apologizin'!

Well, I ain't interested.

Well, I always just thought if you see somebody without a smile,

Well, I bet he's runnin' for office.

Well, I didn't know that son of a bitch was gonna make an idiot out of me.

Well, I don't give a shit, Rufus!

Well, I don't know what to do.

Well, I hate admitting I was wrong, Miss Mona.

Well, I never stayed with one family long enough

Well, I saw Dulcie Mae in town today.

Well, I think it is.

Well, I think that's wonderful.

Well, I used to dream of bein' a ballerina.

Well, I wonder who that is.

Well, I'd like to do it tonight.

Well, I'm glad.

Well, if it ain't the celebrated

Well, if it isn't the man himself.

Well, if Sheriff Jack Roy Wallace was here,

Well, it certainly ain't a trainin' bra,

Well, it's just as well anyhow, Jewel.

Well, it's no use talkin' to me about it, Sheriff!

Well, Jewel, I just promised the sheriff

Well, Las Vegas, here I come.

Well, look at that! At last!

Well, maybe it won't be two months.

Well, maybe not the best part, but in the top two.

Well, Melvin, everybody'd be happy

Well, Melvin, it's that bad publicity I want to talk to you about.

Well, most of my family was Baptist.

Well, now, that is just about the sweetest thing anybody ever said to me.

Well, now, wait a minute, Ed Earl.

Well, now, you see here, C.J.!

Well, on behalf of my son and his teammates, I wanna thank you.

Well, one of these nights when you ain't on duty, you drop in out there.

Well, Sheriff, I have this friend that works in a TV station

Well, that was very Christian of you.

Well, that's a man that knows how to throw a party.

Well, that's from the Bible.

Well, that's pretty darn close to the way it happened.

Well, the Chicken...

Well, the news has come.

Well, there ain't nothin' prettier than a Texas sky.

Well, there's naked massages, there's tongue baths,

Well, who won?

Well, you do, but them boxer shorts don't.

Well, you don't look real sexy.

Well, you got my vote. I might even go register.

Well, you got screwed.

Well, you tell him I said hi. Bye.

Well.

Well... You just keep that in the bag,

What about the football game celebration tomorrow night?

What are you doin'? Man!

What are you wearin' that for?

What brings you here to Houston?

What d'you think I ought to tell my girls?

What d'you want, Fred?

What did you figure the cameras were for?

What did you say?

What do you intend to do about Miss Mona and the Chicken Ranch?

What do you mean?

What do you mean? I look like I always look.

What do you think? Little?

What do you want, a written contract?

What do you want?

What goes on out here.

What happened to me as an individual is not important.

What in the heck is keepin' him?

What is it?

What is that?

What the hell did he say?

What the hell happened?

What the hell is it, a Japanese slingshot?

What the hell you talkin' about?

What?

What?

What?

What? How can you promise that?

What? Just pull that up.

What? You know what I was thinkin', Ed Earl?

What's that, Sheriff?

What's that?

What's the matter?

Whatever you say, I'm gonna do.

When a bull goes over to another pasture?

When I was a little kid, I used to imagine a flyin' saucer

Where is she?

Where were you tonight? I couldn't get you on the phone...

Where you goin'?

Which one of them bags is hers?

Which show did you like best, Ed?

Which, by my figurin', is about a 100 miles west

While Ed Earl had been Sheriff ever

While he was on vacation. Caught him dead to rights.

While in Houston, the man who launched the campaign,

While the people here in Gilbert went about theirs.

While up at the house, the doors are closed

Who saw the little house as a Texas institution

Who supply a demand and provide an

Who today, again, was unavailable for comment.

Who was a principal figure in the Watchdog news raid,

Who?

Who's that fella in them trick britches?

Why don't you just get to the point, Sheriff?

Why has the Chicken Ranch operation been so long ignored?

Why the hell can't that station in Houston

Why, Miss Mona's ain't obscene. It's just obsolete.

Why, the town council will probably vote you another plaque.

Why, they attract a lot of business to the community.

Why?

Wig wearin', citified son of a bitch!

Will come out of his long silence

Will you marry me?

With a violent demonstration in the Gilbert town square.

With as little trouble as possible!

With plenty of time off for socializin'

With yours truly, Melvin P. Thorpe,

Without a sweet goodbye for your old Porky.

Work, don't they?

Workin' for Sheriff Ed Earl Dodd.

Worse than that. The son of a bitch called mine!

Would just laugh at a $50 fine.

Would you care to give me an interview now, Sheriff?

Wouldn't it be fun just to go up there, get a couple of six packs

Y'all come back now, ya hear?

Y'all come back now, you hear?

Y'all come back now, you hear?

Y'all come on in!

Yeah, I know about the Bible!

Yeah, I know he forgives you.

Yeah, just until the heat wears off a little bit.

Yeah!

Yeah! How about it?

Yeah?

Yeah?

Yeah? Just a little something sexy

Yeah? Well, sing it to me, honey.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. That could've been a spaceship, you know.

Yep. I knew a woman once that had a vision of Jesus.

Yep. I'm just waitin' for Ed Earl to get here.

Yes, a ballerina!

Yes, ma'am.

Yes, sir. The Chicken Ranch is a fine institution,

Yes, you do, and I don't wanna hear any more bitchin' about it.

Yes!

Yo!

Yoo hoo! Boys!

You ain't gonna have to wear 'em but a second.

You ain't never gonna grow up!

You ask anybody in town about you.

You believe in spaceships?

You boys head on out back.

You bring out the... The romantic in me.

You can have anything done to you

You can look the other way when the wrong kid swipes a car to go joyriding.

You can't go up and see the Governor!

You can't legislate morality.

You did that real fast.

You didn't know that, did you?

You do?

You don't know the trouble you caused

You ever think about runnin' for office? I swear.

You gave me your word and I took it!

You give 'em yours.

You go to your radio.

You got a point there, Ed Earl.

You in the old way, and me in the new.

You knew at an early age they was sellin' somethin' out there,

You know how I am about my breath.

You know I couldn't leave without my bell and my box.

You know something, Sheriff, it just struck me.

You know something?

You know that, I don't see anybody but you anymore.

You know what burns my ass?

You know what he did? Turned the water into wine.

You know what's goin' on in this town

You know why? Because I trust you.

You know, Ed Earl, seems like ever since I can remember,

You know, he even brought his own singers.

You know, honey,

You know, like when you graduate from high school?

You know, Mona,

You know, you better check that turkey of hers,

You make that whorehouse sound like a

You may be right.

You may be right. I got over a dozen

You mean till after your shower?

You promise?

You reckon he's gonna run for the legislature?

You see, Ed Earl always believed in talkin' first.

You see, for years, the winning seniors

You son of a bitch! You'll pay for this.

You tell them I'll be well repaid when they

You think if we just close the doors to the regular customers,

You use me as your mistress.

You use that damn Dulcie Mae as your in town wife.

You wanted me to remind you about your 2:00 appointment.

You will?

You'd want a little unnecessary publicity.

You're blockin' traffic!

You're doin' on the Chicken Ranch.

You're in bed already. So?

You're in trouble, Sheriff! You're in big trouble!

You're just a big, overgrown kid playin' at bein' a man!

You're just a kid playin' at bein' a cowboy.

You're never gonna meet a finer woman.

You're playin', Ed Earl.

You're probably right.

Your word you were closin' down.

20 seconds, Mr. Thorpe.

65,000 plus on hand here at Kyle Field,

'cause I ain't gonna parade around like no model.

'cause I wear the badge in this goddamn county.

'cause you ain't never gonna be no more than you are right now.

'Cause you're my protector.

"And out of the midst of the fire came the

"I looked, and behold, a whirlwind comin' out of the north.

"likeness of four living creatures. "

"Threescore" means 60, like the Bible says.