Everybody Wants Some!! Edit

A double chamber cooling system on that thing.

A good bet would be, I don't know,

A holdover from primitive humans

A probabilistic framework and projecting meaning

A. A minus.

About beating those fuckers from Arizona.

About how he has an average cock.

After you went to all that trouble.

Ah, give me a second.

Ah, I'm pretty sure that'd be Whitman.

Ah, we noticed that you never made it home last night.

Ah!

Ah. A, fuck you. B, bye.

Ah. C, she say if her roommate's gonna be there?

Ah. Not very healthy.

Ah...

Alcoholic beverage in there. I'll be danged.

Alex Brumley, outfield.

All baseball players out of here! I mean it!

All his shit's gone, man.

All night if you want to. I don't really care.

All of our true assholish nature is emerging.

All right now, boys, it's Billy Autrey, okay?

All right then.

All right,

All right, 307. Help me remember that?

All right, boys, let's go!

All right, boys. All right, bring it up, bring it up!

All right, crank it up!

All right, fellas, who's gonna be the first poor fuck

All right, freshman ping pong champ.

All right, her antennas are out.

All right, I beg you. No, I implore you

All right, I got fucking swimmer's lungs. I'm a river rat.

All right, I gotta say,

All right, I realize that I wouldn't know how to make it

All right, listen up, good first practice.

All right, look, y'all, so a buddy of mine told me that last year,

All right, man, he just don't like losing at anything.

All right, Mr. Rabbit.

All right, new guy coming in, getting all the ladies.

All right, smartass.

All right, that's a fucking stare down!

All right, think about this.

All right! Jake! Where you fucking been, man?

All right! Our lucky year!

All right?

All right? But you just gotta remain calm,

All right? This is where it all starts.

All right.

All right.

All right. I'll see you guys in a bit.

All right. Jake Bradford

All right. Mac, you got something?

All the adrenaline!

All the guys around here punch me

All the way.

All these people never be anything more than

All we talk about is pussy.

All you talk about is baseball!

ALL: (CHANTING SOFTLY) Jake. Jake. Jake. Jake.

ALL: (CHANTING) Dale! Dale! Dale! Dale!

ALL: Batting practice!

ALL: Beuter!

ALL: Later, Beuter!

ALL: No, no, no, no!

ALL: Oh!

ALL: Oh!

ALL: Theater party!

Almost every single episode.

Also, I'm taking a leap this year on two transfers,

Although I doubt it's gonna have an immediate impact

Always. It'll set you free.

Amityville? More like Amity vile

And a big ass joint on top.

And all that fun stuff?

And all you guys' constant fuckwithery.

And apparently the party's a first weekend tradition.

And Billy Autrey, both freshman pitchers.

And by the way, she was really fucking cute.

And check out my album collection, you know?

And don't forget, he does have

And everybody else on this team.

And everyone else is, like, hideous.

And from Detroit, Jay Niles.

And here we are, punks for a night.

And his 95 mile an hour fastball?

And I like you.

And I'm already pulling in the groupies, man!

And I'm just doing what I'm supposed to be doing.

And I'm not afraid to stick it in and break it off from day one!

And I've never seen anything like that.

And if you're not serious about that, you might as well go home.

And it stops around my knee

And it was a great place to be able to cultivate the thing

And it's best two out of three, okay?

And it's competitive, man.

And it's gonna be really fun.

And just kinda... (CLICKS TONGUE)

And just talks about what a pro prospect he is.

And living the college life.

And making you believe it,

And musical theater kids...

And nearly knocked his eyeball out of its socket.

And not only do those guys not give a fuck about you,

And now we're just gonna be hoping to get cast in anything.

And now, I can officially welcome you to Oz.

And said that? No.

And she's running them through the wringer, okay?

And special crumpets,

And start doing the actual game?

And temptations, and things like that.

And that, my friend, is when it gets fun.

And the eight of you living next door,

And the trick is, what's the trick?

And then pour about half of that.

And then some.

And there's a lot of talent around.

And they almost knocked me in the nuts.

And this dude on the porch?

And told the coach this afternoon.

And until you do, you're nobody.

And we could get hopped up on the tea and the crumpets.

And we used to be telepathic.

And we're always ranked nationally.

And we're there.

And we've agreed to be responsible for them.

And when you do get there, ask for me, Kenny Roper.

And when you do that, you bring who you are,

And where's, uh, San Luis Obispo?

And while that might only seem moderately compelling on paper,

And work hard all year, right?

And yet it is a complete mystery to them.

And you got your albums.

And you immature jerkoffs just fucked up my whole rap!

And you think the way things are going now

And, guys, correct me if I'm wrong,

Angie, you look amazing.

Anybody spotted him?

Anybody who fucks with me, they don't get fucked with back!

Anytime.

Anyway, you guys all pass?

Are you a competitor? Are you a gamer?

Are you gonna ask me to dance, or are you just gonna stand there?

Are you insecure about the duck feet?

Are you kidding me?

Are you liking it?

Are you prepared to fold like a lawn chair?

Are you the guy that says,

Are you trying to... Pete Ward ain't real?

Aren't most athletes kind of...

Artsy fartsy theater major friends.

As evidenced by this ill fated and ill advised adventure

As I was saying before Billy interrupted

As of right now, but hey, don't let them know.

As they go along, you know?

As you like together down here.

Assuming, you know, you have natural ability.

Astrology? Mr. Cause and Effect Rationalist? (LAUGHS)

At his own peril,

Attaboy, Dale.

Bachelor number one!

Bachelor number one.

Bachelor number two? Are you there?

Back from wherever the hell it is you came from.

Back off! Don't touch me! Don't touch me!

Ball in!

Basketball team hasn't won shit.

Be my guest.

Be responsible out there this weekend, okay?

Because corporate America is shoving something down your throat

Because he was just able to do so without it.

Because that's what they want you to believe.

Been working out.

Beer for breakfast My Cap'n Crunch

Below the chest bone in the solar plexus,

Best costume ever. Amazing.

Best out of three.

Beuter Perkins.

BEUTER: Did you get hit, Jacob?

BEUTER: I'll let you boys deal with that hocus pocus junk.

BEUTER:...and his answer is, his answer is,

BEVERLY: (IN BRITISH ACCENT) Bachelor number three,

BEVERLY: Ah!

BEVERLY: Bachelor number two!

BEVERLY: Is this your first choice school, or...

BEVERLY: Rock 'n' roll isn't about being

BEVERLY: What's one kiss from...

Bibliography! Annotated! Highlighted!

Big difference.

Bitch.

Borrowing this.

BOTH: Fire.

BOTH: Lesbians.

BOTH: What?

BOTH: Yeah!

Bottom line is this, her friends are gonna ask,

BOUNCER: Let's go! Come on!

Boy, they call me Billy A

Boy, you better stay out of my way

Bradford!

Breaking the alcohol rule.

BRUM: Guy's a fucking loon.

BRUM: He doesn't throw 95. PLAYER 2: No.

BRUM: Hey, you're still the champ!

BRUM: The fuck is wrong with that guy?

BRUM: Whoo!

BRUM: Yeah, sure thing, dude.

Brum!

Bullshit!

Bullshit! You're on the team now, baby!

Bullshit. Bullshit. Just...

Bunch of fucking numb nuts!

But beyond that, I'm not counting on anything.

But finding the tangents within the framework,

But he doesn't want us to be there.

But he loved baseball and he just wanted to keep playing.

But I assure you...

But I discovered that they actually

But I don't know.

But I feel like it's important to give back, you know?

But I go to class when I say I go to class.

But I told them I'm going to college for a couple of years.

But I'm here to make some noise

But I'm pretty sure that that is a new school record.

But I'm pretty sure they're just making it up

But it turns out that she's beautiful,

But it's almost like they view us as a necessary evil.

But it's not helping out any of your fucking teammates.

But it's the same thing that you're saying with the performing arts.

But my name is Beverly.

But now that I don't play

But so is everything else in life.

But there's only 25 of us. We're the best team on campus.

But they think he's been doing this to other colleges.

But we got a big fall schedule.

But we were so ridiculous.

But we'd like to invite you to a baseball party with...

But we're not gonna be friends or anything like that.

But what you limp cocks don't seem to realize

But why, you know?

But you are the official frontrunner

But you only gotta be passing nine to be eligible.

But, hey, they said a few years back,

But, I mean, half the guys in this house

But, uh, wow, I'm glad you called. That was quick.

But, you know, what about school? Like, what do I take?

By that asshole in the car back there.

By the way, you know what?

Bye, Beuter! Beuter.

Bye.

Bye. Call me later?

Call it! Wake up!

Can I borrow you for something really quickly?

Can we fucking play now?

Can you give us a moment?

Carefully get under said moose...

Carl Sagan knows the universe is eternal

Cats shouldn't be in fridges.

Cha chao!

Cheers for the beers.

Cheers. To a beautiful night.

Cherokee chow Coo coo capow in Texas

Cherokees are never leavin ' the top... Douglas

Cho!

Chug it, Justin! Go, go, go, go, go!

College is the fucking greatest!

Coma, wake up!

COMA: Go get some glasses, Brumley.

COMA: Hit it to me! The ball's coming to me!

COMA: The only thing you killed tonight

COMA: Yeah, I think that, too.

Come on, it's right in front of you, brother.

Come on, Jake!

Come on, man. What about Costello or the Talking Heads?

Come on, no one on their deathbed is filled with regrets

Come on, Plum, we're friends, man.

Come on, y'all, my name ain't Beuter. Okay, guys? It's Billy Autrey.

Come on.

Come on. Come on, Mr. Ax. Strong Man.

Coming around talking shit like that.

Coming at you! Coming at you!

Coming full circle.

Competitors ready? Go!

Confident...

Cool, yeah, okay.

Cool.

Cotton Eyed Joe.

Could've gone to anywhere in Texas.

Couple of guys are gonna go burn this with me

Crank it up, sweetheart! Come on, baby!

Curious and curiouser.

DALE AND FINN: (CHANTING) Jake! Jake!

Dale, you're confusing him.

DALE: Besides baseball and pussy?

DALE: Damn. Hey.

DALE: Finn's in his average cock mode.

DALE: Get ready, boys, your college careers are about to begin.

DALE: God damn it, Plummer!

DALE: Hey, look,

DALE: Oh, Thompson? He's a football player.

DALE: Sweet double, McReynolds!

DALE: Thanks, man.

DALE: Until we get out on the field, Jakie.

DALE: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

DALE: Whoo!

DALE: You're gonna be squashed, Jake.

Damn, put some pants on, man.

Danced the Cotton Eyed Joe in kicker attire,

Dancer chicks have great asses.

Dancers... (RETCHING)

Dang, that sure is Lone Star. That's alcohol right there.

Desperate for pussy! (LAUGHS)

Did he just call his dick a joke?

Did he just flick a lime in my drink?

Did he just throw the ball in the fucking parking lot?

Did I ask you guys to be in my room right now?

Did I ever say that? No, okay?

Did I say that? No.

Did you give her two solid inches, Beuter?

Did you meet the brain trust that perpetrated such a folly,

Did you tell her?

Dismount.

Do it all wrong

Do you also hate guys that are athletic, intelligent,

Do you guys wanna try a little telepathic shit?

Do you, uh, maybe wanna continue this conversation in person?

Does she have blue eyes and a big ass like you? Huh?

Does that mean you're not going?

Don't act like you don't like me just because I got good hair!

Don't bring him back here again, you get me?

Don't bring your ass around here!

Don't fuck it up to make it all right

Don't fuck it up, man. Let's go.

Don't get low.

Don't just put it on your neck. Come on.

Don't make me say it again.

Don't shoot you from the absolute front row.

Don't talk to me when I'm hitting.

Don't tell me you're flying blind into this thing.

Don't want the program taken down by a piece of poontang.

Don't you guys have class or something?

Don't you, Plum?

Down at that Jolly Fox and Sound Machine, or whatever.

Dr. Finnegan, so epicurean Indulge in the BMOC

Drink my cup

Drop one class, blow off another.

Dude, did you guys hear?

Dude, how great is this?

Dude, I don't know. I mean, she's cool.

Dude, I was thinking about sharks.

Dude, it's like a secret identity!

Dude, some chick on the line, man.

Dude, the whole team's tried it.

Dude, you're staring, he's cool.

Dude! No cover and free beer.

E, 'cause I think I'm gonna, you know,

Either way, you're fucked. Give it up, Beuter Perkins.

Ended up with that tall chick in the leather, you know,

Enough with that, Jake here Just a chill dude

Erica's such a bitch.

Especially when we're freshman friends.

Even his own teammates.

Even if it looks futile to others.

Even taking hits from bongs. (CHUCKLES)

Even though he knows I'm the reigning knuckles champ.

Everybody here was the best in their high school,

Everybody I know drinks a fucking screwdriver.

Everybody up!

Everybody's got to be there.

Exactly.

Except for Nez, of course, 'cause he's still a virgin.

Except for, I think... This one.

Expand the universe Make it shudder and spasm

Feel the freak!

Filled with Greek gods who care.

Finding simple reasons for things they don't understand.

Fine. Fine.

Finger in the solar plexus, count of three, try to sit up.

Finn, I'm seriously worried about these new guys. I mean...

Finn, me, and Coma We got Mac in between

FINN: Act like you've read a book before. Jeez.

FINN: Ah, you mean when a girl asks? That's easy.

FINN: Dude, this is a good example

FINN: Go get him, kid.

FINN: How's that for incentive?

FINN: I know a lot about the human body,

FINN: I've already done the calculations based on its usage thus far,

FINN: It's creepy! ROPER: Tell me about it.

FINN: It's impossible. I...

FINN: It's not about the ingredients,

FINN: Jeez, ball hit the mitt before you ever even swung.

FINN: Listen.

FINN: Mmm hmm, ooh, look at what we have here.

FINN: Mmm hmm.

FINN: Ouch! ROPER: Not my fault she's a bitch.

FINN: Right there, Volkswagen.

FINN: See, the perfect rim ingredients keep the drink on its toes.

FINN: See, we can deduce from that,

FINN: See, you can tell a lot about somebody

FINN: She's testing you. She's trying to gauge your response.

FINN: Take notes, boys.

FINN: This is college, Jake, all right?

FINN: Uh oh. JAKE: What?

FINN: We all tried it. ROPER: No. It's impossible.

FINN: We can agree.

FINN: Well, I can't do any worse. ROPER: Here we go.

FINN: Whatever, girls.

FINN: Yeah, any second.

FINN: Yeah, something's always revealed, like...

FINN: You gotta notice the clues, Rope.

FINN: You know, nobody really realizes how much water weighs.

FINN: You're seriously trying?

Finn?

Finn's got his dick in the door.

First cousin, Finn.

First scrimmage game, not even an official practice,

Five bucks says we never see him again.

Flier than a Cutlass Supreme

For the amount of smoke there's gonna be.

For the Freshman Numb Nut of the Year award, right, guys?

For you vets, I expect you to show the new guys around.

Four screwdrivers One fat straw, baby!

Freshman superstars.

Freshman Ty Plummer, catcher.

Friends don't strike out friends,

From all the guys talking about how huge they are.

From California, senior Charlie Willoughby.

From disco snatch to country poon. All right?

From these stupid little competitions.

Fuck Gretchen!

Fuck it, man.

Fuck it!

Fuck it! I'll fucking run home.

Fuck losing the playoffs. We're taking it all this year.

Fuck that shit.

Fuck that. We're taking that shit this year.

Fuck this guy.

Fuck yeah!

Fuck you, Sound Machine! Let's fucking go!

Fuck you! Fuck you, you jackoffs!

Fuck, Brumley, you've seriously asked that at every bar.

Fuck, that guy's weird.

Fuck!

Fuck!

Fuck.

Fuck's that mean? Let's fucking go.

Fuckin A, man! Okay! Okay!

Fucking balls.

Fucking crazy.

Fucking little jealous asshole crap

Fucking looney tune.

Fucking mahogany rush, man.

Fucking nailed that!

Fucking swing the bat, man.

Fucking thing wasn't even half full.

Full throttle to the bottle.

Fun. How was yours?

Get all your stuff.

Get drunk, later that night

Get in here! You're up!

Get it on there, man.

Get it under your arms and on your chest.

Get out of my shot.

Get the ball now.

Get them out! Right now. Get them out.

Get what over?

Get your ass ready. Let's go.

Gimme some dap! Gimme some dap!

GIRL: Hey.

GIRL: So, you've had your chart done?

GIRL: You're into astrology? FINN: Of course.

Give me a fucking break. Finn. Finn. Finn.

Give me the room alone for a bit.

Glamorous or hip, it's a force.

Glen, get your head out of your fucking ass! Let's go!

Go get that ball, I'll fucking sign it for you.

Go show her them albums.

God damn it!

God, am I the only person living in reality here?

God. Listen to this song.

Going on around here, you know?

Golly gee, you're good. You're good.

Good grief, guys, come on now.

Good hit.

Good job, baby! Good job!

Good, bad, doesn't matter.

Good! Then don't.

GORDAN: If you haven't met yet,

GORDAN: Sit down.

GORDAN: Yup. I'm sorry.

Got both of them.

Got the lead in every play,

Got your joke right here.

Gotta get some meat on that boy's bones.

Grant her the old Finnegasm. Here, I'm coming with you.

Guy's gonna have a fucking aneurysm on the mound.

Guys, were we supposed to wear a costume?

Guys.

Guys. Hey, guys. I got a new plan.

Ha ha!

Hands on the wheel and fondue my cheese

Has he told you about his average cock?

Has he told... Finn! Did you tell her, Finn?

Have a clue, freshman. The dorms suck.

Have you noticed, whenever we're around baseball,

Having the guts to look fucking stupid.

He broke the fucking paddle. Look at that shit.

He does not like losing, at all!

He just left one thing, man.

He said something about that, didn't he?

He was a good guy.

He was a great guy.

He would have.

He's 30! Like, he's 30 fucking years old!

He's an animal husbandry major.

He's being modest.

He's not a bad guy. He just got caught.

He's this intense fuck from Detroit,

Heading to the Student Center.

Hear that?

Hell, you got 21, 22 year old guys over there

Hello, Beverly.

Helping decorate for a party at Oz.

Here for a good time, not a long time, right?

Here you go, Plum.

Here, you're on your own.

Here.

Here's what we're gonna do.

Hey there, freshman,

Hey, Alex Brumley.

Hey, and, you,

Hey, at least it was before practice, all right?

Hey, Beuter, this your new roommate.

Hey, Brum, go get some drinks, man.

Hey, check your pillows, man!

Hey, Coma, Pete Ward just saw your first hit, man.

Hey, Coma.

Hey, do you live in those new baseball houses?

Hey, Finn, did you mention hung?

Hey, girls, how you doing? I'm Roper.

Hey, good game, man. Let's play again.

Hey, good one, McReynolds.

Hey, guys The name's Alex Brumley

Hey, guys, guys, Plum and bitch boy think

Hey, guys! We got a 2nd Team All Stater among us!

Hey, guys.

Hey, have you noticed everything around here's a competition, huh?

Hey, hold on, hey, I'm not saying you guys can't come, all right?

Hey, I don't think we really fit in here.

Hey, I'm just gonna tell you something right now.

Hey, I'm sure afraid to hit off you, 2nd Team All State.

Hey, it's part of the scholarship.

Hey, Jacob.

Hey, Jake, man, I'm sorry, all right?

Hey, Jake, you're still not saying where that party is.

Hey, ladies please pass me another

Hey, ladies, uh...

Hey, ladies! Happy hour is upon us at the Fox.

Hey, look, you gotta start the semester with 12 hours, all right?

Hey, man, what position do you play?

Hey, man, you gotta appreciate it while it lasts, you know?

Hey, man. Nice to meet you.

Hey, motherfucker! Let's go, fucking Pancho Villa!

Hey, screwdriver! Okay?

Hey, shake something, don't break something.

Hey, so, Pops, you pick out a name yet?

Hey, that's not really fair.

Hey, that's what I'm talking about, man.

Hey, wait. Hey, no.

Hey, what position do you play?

Hey, where's my helmet at?

Hey, which one you going after?

Hey, who's that douchebag she's dancing with?

Hey, yeah, I just want a fucking drink, man.

Hey, you guys sure Coach isn't gonna know if we've been drinking?

Hey, you guys want a beer? Come on.

Hey, you return that with one scratch on it, Nez...

Hey, you see what I see?

Hey, you still with Gretchen?

Hey, you're the quiet guy in the back seat, Jake.

Hey! Man child here thinks he can take me.

Hey! No, you fucking stay.

Hey! Shut off the hose!

Hey.

Hey. Chapter 9 will blow your mind.

Hey. So, what do you study?

Hi, guys. I'm Beverly.

Hi.

Hi. I'm Debra Kadabra.

Hi. It's the quote unquote "auburn haired girl in 307."

History. You?

Hit it, bitch, I'm 95 strong

Hmm?

Hmm.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Holy shit! Justin?

Holy shit.

Hopefully be a positive influence on them.

How about that? Hey, Jacob, didn't Coach Gordan say this afternoon

How can I amuse you this morning?

How did you even, like... (CLICKS TONGUE)

How did you know what room I was in?

How do you spell "Beuter," by the way?

How late is she?

How'd that guy end up here?

How'd you do?

How's that sound?

How's that sound?

How's this?

HSPVA.

Huh.

Huh.

Huh. Well, Jake, it's so interesting, 'cause I feel like there...

Humans were telepathic, man.

I actually don't think at all. I just, you know, I talk a lot.

I actually don't think that much.

I ain 't really a fan of that attitude

I ain't never put it in a pig!

I already told you, Jake, this ain't high school, man.

I assume, being a new (IN DEEP VOICE) teammate.

I bet she has a big ass.

I call the whole game but they call me dumb

I can tell, man.

I concentrate on theater and dance, performing arts.

I didn't get beat up or anything.

I didn't mention hung, Dale, not yet.

I didn't say that.

I do.

I don't care if he grew up on 40 fucking rivers,

I don't know about this country bar, man.

I don't know if you guys are doing anything tonight,

I don't know where the hell you think you're going.

I don't know, just based on an outsider's perspective,

I don't know, man.

I don't know, man. (SNIFFS)

I don't know, man. Finn's got that Leeann chick in there.

I don't know, man. I kinda like Van Halen.

I don't know.

I don't know. Tell me.

I don't think you could use that one, though.

I don't wanna embarrass you in front of all your new

I drink a fucking screwdriver!

I feel great with those odds.

I feel like the Astros are gonna make it to the World Series.

I feel the same way about performing.

I found it to be a good litmus test.

I get it. I get it. I get it!

I got seven of my bucks back! Ha ha! Let's do it!

I got shit to do. I'll do some pushups.

I got the sun and the stars In the palm of my hand

I gotta get up early for registration in the morning.

I guess not.

I had a stack of offers about that high, that high.

I hate all this Cotton Eyed Joe,

I hate this game.

I heard, "The guy in the back seat,

I just implied you guys might be bored, that's all.

I just took Sisyphus and baseball,

I kinda hate talking on the phone for extended periods of time.

I know that for a fucking fact!

I know that I only have been here for a few days,

I know where I'm going with it before he even gets it to me.

I know, he thinks he can. All right.

I like her.

I like the quiet guy in the back seat,

I like to chew and a spit And throw a ball a little bit

I like you, too.

I liked him.

I love Nez.

I love this time of year.

I love this. What, is it pledge week?

I mean, Billy. Uh...

I mean, girls, they come up to me out of the blue and they say,

I mean, guys, it's about finding out who you are

I mean, language, fucking language. What is language?

I mean, the point of the whole thing is that

I mean, we have our first practice this afternoon, but yeah.

I mean, what are we doing?

I mean, yeah, it's ridiculous to roll a boulder

I mean, you got your whole room to yourself for the weekend,

I mean, you gotta tune in, man. You gotta tune in.

I might've encountered up your ass crack.

I reckon he'll be out of there before too long, won't he?

I stay busy chopping girls' cherry trees

I swear to fucking God! Shut your mouth!

I think I got a tear in my eye, Jakie.

I think it's a little bit of both.

I think we should.

I think we've already started engraving his name on the plaque.

I think you've had enough, raw dog.

I think.

I thought his name was Billy Autrey.

I thought it was like a light, like a shadow on your lip, but it...

I told you so, man.

I took special care. I didn't say that word, okay?

I wanna give it a shot.

I wanna see what room she's in.

I want a full report on my desk by the end of the day.

I was definitely messing with them, but I meant what I said.

I was just implying that this party might not be

I was just testing you. You pass.

I was saying "impossible," and then when you put the...

I was talking her language, I was meeting her on her level.

I will.

I wish I had a tail. Fuck, that'd be awesome.

I wouldn't say it if I didn't.

I... This is supposed to be fun, and now I'm not having fun.

I'd appreciate that, all right?

I'd be on the phone moping to my girlfriend. Why?

I'd like to introduce you to the new guys on the team.

I'd rather die a virgin than say my chart says

I'd still be a virgin, all right?

I'll come over the bar and show you a good time.

I'll come show you a good time.

I'll do some pushups, do some abs. I'll come back looking awesome!

I'll fucking go home.

I'll give you freshmen a little advice

I'll go back in late summer, graduate, do that thing.

I'll head over pretty soon then.

I'll let you know when I feel threatened.

I'll make a good father someday.

I'll make you feel loved while Willy's getting high

I'll read a book.

I'll shove it up your ass and I'll sign it!

I'll show you my buns if the booze is free

I'll sweep you off your feet No need to be crude

I'm a fucking pro prospect, too, and you know it.

I'm a performer, all right? I'm a grower, not a shower.

I'm actually studying to be a cunnilinguist.

I'm an Investigative Journalism major.

I'm asking you to dance.

I'm climbing that tree, Jake!

I'm from this, uh,

I'm going through your album collection.

I'm gonna break it to you fresh

I'm gonna burn this down till my brain's a kernel

I'm gonna come back there, and I'll fucking make you my bitch, man!

I'm gonna fucking defend myself!

I'm gonna get a drink. Man's drink!

I'm gonna go upstairs real quick.

I'm gonna go upstairs real quick. I'll be right back.

I'm just looking for some kind of...

I'm just not gonna do that.

I'm just saying, in a deterministic event,

I'm just saying, you can't do it.

I'm just supposed to be rooming with him.

I'm just trying to fit in

I'm just... I'm curious. Maybe you study

I'm kind of the silent type, you know?

I'm late for a very important date.

I'm like, fuck it!

I'm liking it. Shall we go?

I'm not a rubber lover glover I don't need no love buffer

I'm not afraid to challenge you, man.

I'm not watching.

I'm really glad you came.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Don't touch it. Don't...

I'm starting to have an identity crisis here.

I'm telling you.

I'm the kinda guy that'll meet you after class

I'm the raw dog Rawest of raw

I'm throwing money down the drain like no thing

I'm... I'm late!

I'ma do like Pete Ward and go undercover

I've been dancing up on like five girls all night long, man.

I've fucked more girls than you've cranked off to.

I've got you figured out, son.

If I gotta face you down the line in pro ball,

If I look good, I fucking play good.

If I sense any question I'll put you to the test

If it's a crime to be sexy then you're under arrest

If Mac wanted to take your head off with that paddle,

If that fell through the ceiling right now.

If you ever make it there.

If you ever wanna play this game again...

If you guys want more beer, go to Howard.

If you need a little insight on who I am

If you wanna stay on this team, bro.

If you want, you can spend as much time

If you want.

If you're not there, then you probably don't care

In a crowd, completely alone, unprovoked, by the way,

In between the notes that they're offering you.

In Coma's ability to get a hit

In large groups or anything,

In Manitoba,

In mid collapse before you...

In the bathroom stalls,

In the country, and we're gonna keep it that way

In the middle of our room, he left a Pink Floyd album

In the middle.

In the space

In this case, getting laid on an oversized, overpriced water balloon,

Initiating virtually all contact with respect to females.

Instead of making fun of me, you should be taking notes.

Into the bowl.

Investigative Journalism is not an official major here,

Is gonna be under or over $300.

Is it baseball season now?

Is it true that our house is about to fall down?

Is that really what you're asking me?

Is that you have not earned teammate status yet.

Is this the guy that left the flowers on my door?

Is to mentally toughen the fuck up.

Is trying to stop us from, from going to a party, is that...

Isn't fucking music.

It all comes down to how well you sell it,

It also says I'd make a great father someday,

It feels so high school.

It is lonely out on the bump, man.

It just seems a little phony.

It might give you some kind of edge

It must've been awfully important like...

It semi paralyzes the whole torso.

It simultaneously complements then conflicts.

It sort of begs the question about who we really are.

It sounds like you rocked it last night.

It starts out easy, and then it just gets fucking impossible.

It steps up from one moment to another and leads you there, just...

It was so fun, I loved it!

It's a bad bet.

It's a little fucked up!

It's a little intimidating.

It's a major you can actually practice before graduating.

It's a revolutionary, political, sexual and poetic force.

It's a shame.

It's about the way the ingredients make you feel.

It's actually High School for Performing and Visual Arts.

It's against school policy. Need I say more?

It's all coming around.

It's all you can do.

It's batting practice.

It's Beuter Perkins until we tell you otherwise.

It's called a little bit of freshmen...

It's called a Manitoba Moose.

It's crazy we're fucking defending this guy.

It's gonna be a long fucking day.

It's gonna be a strange year, man.

It's Jake.

It's just not happening.

It's just something for a bunch of performing arts majors.

It's kind of beautiful, isn't it?

It's kind of confusing.

It's like a puzzle, man.

It's like Carl Sagan says, man,

It's like having sex with a girl

It's like, I throw the junk and you get yourself out.

It's more about seeing how witty they can be.

It's my first days of college

It's my good luck helmet. You know what I'm talking about, Finn.

It's not about you! Go fuck yourself.

It's not even that we're not invited to this party,

It's not phony. Okay? It's adaptive.

It's not the writing of the Magna fucking Carta!

It's one card away from a Saskatchewan straight.

It's over in Jones.

It's putting yourself out there in art, in life,

It's the most important part of the game, hands down,

It's the one with the three scratches on the bill.

It's the one with the three scratches on the bill.

It's the pack mentality, animal instincts.

It's the same shot every time!

It's this physiological phenomenon.

It's this physiological phenomenon.

It's this year.

It's those things they didn't do.

It's time to grab your partner dosey do

Jacob? Hey, how you doing? I'm Billy Autrey.

Jake Bradford.

JAKE: Ah. ROPER: Can we agree?

JAKE: All right, bro.

JAKE: Fucking sucks.

JAKE: Hey, I'll see you later, man.

JAKE: Hey, you gotta walk me through this, man.

JAKE: I mean, they say it's called "O Canada,"

JAKE: I, uh, think that's our professor.

JAKE: It's a thumb on your fucking chest, Nesbit.

JAKE: Okay. Stop, stop.

JAKE: Really?

JAKE: That's fucking genius.

JAKE: Was that a big deal for you, transferring in senior year?

JAKE: What?

JAKE: What's the book on them?

JAKE: Why the hell would he do that?

JAKE: Yeah, man. They got me on the wrist,

JAKE: Yeah, you got that one where the lady,

JAKE: Yeah?

JAKE: Yeah?

JAKE: You're looking at it, Plum.

Jake!

Jake's got a big party tonight.

JAY: Bunch of fucking numb nuts!

JAY: Get out of my way.

JAY: Well, I'm a fucking raw dog, all right?

JAY: You know what, man? I only know 150%, all right?

JAY: You know, I will go get the fucking ball.

Jerking each other off, you know, in spandex,

Jesus Christ ever existed.

Jesus fucking Christ, damn it.

Jesus. I'm telling you, man, chicks dig this shit. All right?

Jim Morrison is still alive, are you?

Just a second.

Just accepting whatever comes my way, you know?

Just be fucking weird, you know?

Just because you guys are laying bricks with the ladies,

Just broke that rule, you know?

Just do it. I'll buy the first pitcher.

Just gets a little hairy.

Just getting reamed by these little fuckers.

Just let natural ability take over.

Just like everybody else.

Just lots of different types of stuff

Just participating.

Just pulling me back in the boiling pot!

Just return my album, man.

Just so you know, "voluntary" means mandatory, okay?

Just this little window of time.

Just trying to help you! Ungrateful kid.

Just what we need, another fucking pitcher.

Just, uh, do the right thing, you know?

JUSTIN: This is my old high school buddy, Jake.

Keep running that fucking mouth,

Know what I mean?

Knowing there's no way you'd ever play pro ball?

Known to get a little drunk

La la la!

Ladies! How was your summer?

Language is a construct, man. You know?

Later, Beuter!

Legendary super scout for the Reds.

Let me break it down for you right now with my jam

Let me drop a Finnegism and make a Finnegasm

Let me get this straight. A freshman

Let me introduce you to some of the new guys. This is Jake.

Let's break that school record right fucking now.

Let's do it.

Let's get it.

Let's go somewhere quiet.

Let's go, boys! Come on!

Let's go, boys. Let's go! Hey!

Let's go!

Let's just hope they don't realize what they've done.

Let's say hi.

Let's see what you got, kid.

Let's see. Oh, shit.

Like a fucking vacuum cleaner down there, man.

Like a party or something.

Like most things with these guys, it's total bullshit.

Like Nez. I hate that guy.

Like that whole Pete Ward thing.

Like this guy with the backpack?

Like you were saying, most people lose at this point

Like your dress.

Like, I know what we're doing here.

Like, the theater kids would be hysterically crying

Like, what would it be like to go through life

Listen to how it goes up.

Listen to this progression here, okay?

Look at us, man.

Look, come on, man, you guys are already

Look, I'll tell you who we are.

Look, if you'd opened your mouth, too,

Look, it's cool, guys. All right. We had a nice time.

Look, man, I got a little lady downstairs

Look, maybe it just feels like I've been here too long.

Look, she's just taking your little chicken fried nuts

Look, there are thousands and thousands of people

Look, there's a lot of decent stuff out there.

Looks like Beuter Perkins is getting laid this weekend. Huh?

Lot of Twilight Zones, man.

MAC: (LAUGHS) Yeah.

MAC: Beuter Perkins!

MAC: He's fine. He's just fucking weird.

MAC: That's right, freshman.

MAC: This'll be interesting.

MAD HATTER: Priceless. BEVERLY: Priceless, is it?

Majoring in all kinds of shit here.

Make a sister leave a brother

Make it 0 2.

Make it work for you.

Make sure and close your eyes,

Make your space, okay? You just hold your ground in there.

Man, guys, she says she might be pregnant.

Man, let me get a little stretch in.

Man, that's strike three.

Man, there are six bands in town,

Man, we're just worried about you, all right?

Man, you can't even fuck good on a waterbed.

Man, your life's gonna fucking suck.

MAN: Dale Douglas!

MAN: Have fun, boys.

MAN: It's all right. Let them in.

MAN: Yeah, come on!

MANAGER: Keep walking.

MANAGER: Out of the club! Right the fuck now! Get them out!

Master of disguise.

Master plan for a higher man

Maybe one of the best days of my life here, Nez.

Maybe that, too.

McReynolds and Roper?

McReynolds.

Meet them in the middle and...

Mi amigos de fuckwithery!

Might as well put a strikeout down in the books, fellas.

Might be a hit with the ladies.

Might make you feel tough,

Mmm hmm.

Mmm hmm.

Mmm mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm. But that doesn't make them bad guys.

Mmm. Oh, we're going to a show soon.

Mmm. What's Oz?

My dream girl and my dream date.

My name is not Beuter!

My name is Willoughby I know the master plan

My name's Tyrone but they call me Plum

Myself, I'm a firm supporter of the ERA...

Nah, man. It's as simple as this.

Nah, man. We just went by the house.

Nesbit. A pleasure.

Nesie, look at what I found here.

Never who they want.

News flash, it's not working. Get some new superstitions.

Nez, he's gotta come back for his shit.

NEZ: (LAUGHS) This is gonna be the best ever.

NEZ: Fuck off, Brum!

NEZ: I'll take one.

NEZ: I've never been able to do it.

NEZ: Isn't that how you always fuck?

NEZ: No, not right now, but I can't do it.

NEZ: This is our third bar of the afternoon, boys!

NEZ: Yeah, no, the registrar's office discovered it.

NEZ: Yes, sir! No, no, no! Get this, get this.

Nice fucking life you got here, Joe College.

Nice, man.

Night and day!

No centralized authority. It's fucking brilliant.

No cover, free beer till 11:00 at Guaranteed Wholesome.

No dorm resident snitches keeping track.

No girls upstairs in those bedrooms.

No trust me, man, she's not fucking pregnant, all right?

No, actually your roommate, Beuter, the hayseed.

No, I applied to a few, but this was the best school

No, I don't, actually.

No, I have routines.

No, it's not till later. Yeah. No, we're just walking around,

No, like they say, pressure's a choice.

No, man.

No, no, I'm all right, thanks. (INHALES SHARPLY)

No, no, not until Coma gets in here.

No, no, you don't fit in. Okay, I told you to change.

No, no.

No, not dumb necessarily.

No, sir, I'll be back Sunday for practice.

No, sir.

No, you can't beat me twice in a row!

No! One more chance!

No?

No. No. Goodbye.

No. We didn't even have any sports, no.

Nope. I'm telling you, it's absolutely impossible.

Not a lefty, are you?

Not all the time.

Not because they get shot, but because they get overrun.

Not much. But hey, I'm loving this new look.

Not one of these airheads we got running around here.

Not only is he a pre season All American,

Not so fast.

Nothing too corrupted

Now becomes Coma's lucky helmet.

Now he's giving me the old fashioned stare down!

Now I definitely gotta be there.

Now I gotta put out that fucking fire.

Now you can come back here and do the five knuckle shuffle

Now, come over here with those luscious thighs

Now, I'm Nesbit No shame with no game

Now, superstition, it's bringing a...

Now, that's a fact, I know that.

Now, this guy,

Now, we can't stop you from having a drink

Now, we're actually around a few potentially interesting young women,

Now, where you going, BP?

Now, you accept your chumpification,

Number one position players Make these girls wanna scream

Number one. No alcohol in these houses, okay?

Of a bar, 'cause you wanna look fucking tough?

Of course I can.

Of course not!

Of course.

Of mental capacity in this day and age.

Of someone being so invested in what they want.

Of the things they've done.

Oh, come on.

Oh, cool.

Oh, cool. And you're a freshman?

Oh, excuse us. Uh, I'm a Scorpio.

Oh, Finn, come on!

Oh, fuck!

Oh, gosh!

Oh, I got the best cheese on campus.

Oh, I love this song! Come on.

Oh, I'm, uh, I'm on the baseball team.

Oh, it was, until we changed it

Oh, it's the annual award.

Oh, man, that's funny.

Oh, man. I mean, this is gonna be fun.

Oh, Michelle, definitely.

Oh, my nuts!

Oh, no, he's not cool! No, he's not fucking cool!

Oh, oh, oh. That's easy, that's easy.

Oh, okay, don't mind me.

Oh, shit, no, no, no. Is it?

Oh, shoot, man.

Oh, take off, you hosers! It's a Winnipeg Flip!

Oh, thank God. Finally.

Oh, that wasn't for you, sweetie.

Oh, there's the flag.

Oh, uh, Jake Bradford.

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait. No, no. They're with us.

Oh, yeah, 95 on the gun, official.

Oh, yeah!

Oh, yeah!

Oh, yeah? All right.

Oh, yeah. Are we mistaken?

Oh, yeah. Ha ha ha. Real funny, man. Real funny.

Oh, yeah. It's fascinating.

Oh, yeah. We're taking it this year, fellas.

Oh, yes! Yes! Ooh, two at a time, bro! Shoot!

Oh, you know, I don't wanna be presumptuous.

Oh, you know, it's kind of a dress up party tonight.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh! Dude, look at you, man. You're one to talk.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. What's up, dude? You gotta see this.

Oh...

Oh...

Okay, baby!

Okay, being completely honest...

Okay, Brum, have your balls dropped?

Okay, five bucks that his girlfriend's in his family tree.

Okay, for the eight of you living in this house

Okay, fucking no cover, free beer! We can't afford not to go!

Okay, he's real.

Okay, Jacob. Yeah, we'll see you, man.

Okay, lock in. Lock in.

Okay, look, that's just, what, Willoughby, borderline insane?

Okay, meat,

Okay, now play like you got some fucking semen in your sack, Brum.

Okay, so shut up.

Okay, that's her.

Okay, that's it.

Okay, uh, first cousin, second cousin?

Okay, um...

Okay, when?

Okay, you know, we all take turns being chumps around here.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. Let's go!

Okay. Not with this you're not.

Okay. Now you're talking our language a little.

Okay. Number two, and it's a biggie, gentlemen.

Okay. Pretty soon. Then I'll see you then.

Okay. Well, get ready.

Okay. Well, then just don't come across like a dumb jock.

Okay. Well, when do you stop, like, rehearsals

Okay. You feel like losing 10 bucks?

On how to get your shit together, okay?

On my baseball team as there is anywhere else.

On the field, you know. Up here, benchwarmer.

On the societal norm of the male gender,

On this bitch last summer,

On top of another really fat girl,

On your first BP session, huh?

One of his professors in them scientific classes

One of them old phenomegans, huh?

One of them told me he hated pitchers.

One ol' boy got hit in the head

One, two, three.

Only been at college an hour

Onto a completely random sequence.

Ooh, what's that?

Ooh.

Or are you talking about marriage?

Or is there a waiver for Lone Star?

Or some shit, man.

Or was it true?

Or, are you a...

Our home and native land!

Out there past the right field fence,

Out, actually, for the rest of the day and most of the night, though.

Painting the trim on the house.

Pardon me for trying to class up the joint.

Party later tonight at the baseball houses.

People might think you're method, I don't know.

Pete Ward's real. (LAUGHS)

Pitch a tent on the couch all the time, or what?

Pitcher.

Pitcher.

PLAYER 1: Get two, McReynolds, get two.

PLAYER 1: I'm not doing it.

PLAYER 1: Yeah. PLAYER 2: Whoo!

PLAYER 2: There we go.

PLAYER 2: Yeah.

PLAYER 3: Good hit, McReynolds. Wow.

PLAYER 3: Way to go! Run, run, run!

PLAYER: Hey, batter up!

PLAYER: What is that? PLUM: What is he doing?

PLAYER: What the hell?

PLUM: (CHEERING) Brain dead, let's go!

PLUM: 30 12?

PLUM: A fucking cat.

PLUM: Damn you, Jake!

PLUM: Didn't it seem like most of the girls we saw today were,

PLUM: Fuck!

PLUM: Fuck. I don't believe what I just fucking saw.

PLUM: Fucking A, man.

PLUM: Fucking batting practices.

PLUM: Guys.

PLUM: Here we go, Jake.

PLUM: Man, this is savage. We're getting fucking hosed out here.

PLUM: Nah, dude.

PLUM: No shit. JAKE: Mmm hmm.

PLUM: Oh!

PLUM: She looks like my fifth grade teacher.

PLUM: So, what do most of the guys on the team major in?

PLUM: Super human!

PLUM: That was not good.

PLUM: This guy? JAKE: Yeah.

PLUM: What the fuck is the gap method?

PLUM: What's going on?

PLUM: What's up, Mac?

PLUM: Who are these people?

PLUM: Yeah, man, you get it in?

PLUM: You got some moves. Alison, right?

PLUM: You know how well you'd have to see the ball

Plus, I think Mr. Finnegan set up a room downstairs for that.

Poetry, with that... (BLOWS RASPBERRY)

Practice like you play, man.

Preferably in the bed, as well.

Private Beuter, are you prepared

Probably meeting up with her at a party later tonight.

Put everything else out of your mind.

QUEEN: Ooh, a good one.

Quiet, non asshole guy in the back, that's me.

Rally back.

Raw dog!

Really succeed, the only choice you have

Really?

Really?

Really?

Really? No fucking way!

Recorded them all over the last year or so.

Red Queen, very interesting.

Right arm cross.

Right now, I guarantee you he's telling those girls

Right.

Right.

ROPER: "2nd Team All State."

ROPER: (LAUGHS) Holy shit!

ROPER: All of you.

ROPER: All right, what are we looking at? Let's see.

ROPER: And what was I supposed to do, huh?

ROPER: Anybody? Come on. Finn?

ROPER: Attaboy, Mac!

ROPER: Ew. Stop.

ROPER: Hey, Beuter!

ROPER: Huh? Is that right?

ROPER: Just give it up, son.

ROPER: Okay, Finn, you're up.

ROPER: Sharpshooter status, right here.

ROPER: She's built right.

ROPER: That dude is Plum.

ROPER: There we go.

ROPER: This might be our best batch.

ROPER: Watch this. You ready? Try to move.

ROPER: Well, look at this lovely bunch of ladies.

ROPER: Well, there's nothing here.

ROPER: What party?

ROPER: What the fuck, Niles! DALE: Well, that was ugly.

ROPER: You are in costume, of a dipshit.

ROPER: You guys have no idea.

Rulebook says I can't be on the field,

Running home to mama, Perkins?

Said she wanted to squat on your boner.

Say cheese, baby!

Say cheese!

Say goodbye to your high school sweethearts, fellas.

Say hello, Finn.

Schlong as long as the Nile's bong

Screwdriver! This place is fucking awesome.

Scrimmage is later. What the fuck, man.

Second base.

See all that fun, all that laughing?

See how fast he's going?

See, he tells girls that he has an average cock,

See, no, it's genius, actually.

See, now the gloves are off.

See, now they got something special to talk about.

See, that's a bad bet. I'll take the bet.

Seem like what?

Seems like there's a lot of stuff

Self professed, mind you.

Semi paralyzes the whole upper torso.

Sharks have tails.

She needs quite a few more. You do, too.

She was really fucking cute,

She was using you, a peasant, to fuck with us, the kings.

She's a day late.

She's cool, you know?

She's getting the surgery to correct how ugly she is?

She's gonna be looking for signs of dip shitification.

She's gonna have to take it back to her place or,

She's just giving you shit for it because you left her back on the farm

She's not gonna have to say the old,

She's one day late and she's giving you shit for it?

She's smart, you know?

Shit, if I was that pussy whipped little bitch,

Shit, if I wasn't still drunk, I think I'd be fucking dead.

Shit!

Shit.

Shit. No. Uh...

Shoot, man, it's just, you know, I tell you,

Shoot, man. They got me on the shoulder with one,

Shoot, y'all.

Shut his fucking mouth.

Shut up, Brumley.

Shut up. Let's go.

Sick to the bone but we come with style

Single minded, and...

Sir, no, sir.

Skip?

So don't you think we would get more ass living on campus?

So he'll disguise himself somehow.

So I kind of decided not to be like a one man holdout on that.

So I'll see you fellas on Monday.

So insecure about the duck feet.

So that I can give you some?

So they call me Coma Told the girl "hop on"

So what, you want me to just

So won't you come with me and please be my friend?

So you and me will be teammates,

So you wrote about Aphrodite and being a baseball slut.

So you're really serious.

So, all of y'all play on the baseball team?

So, I'll talk to you soon?

So, if you just gotta bring some little gal back to the house,

So, my obnoxious teammates actually helped me on this one?

So, shit, if you wanna succeed,

So, two rules.

So, uh, I guess you know my name then.

So, what do you, uh, concentrate on here?

So, what you want me to do?

So, what's this thing you're doing later?

So, what's your strategy? What's the game plan?

So, where you guys been tonight?

So, you were really good at baseball in high school?

Some dude doing some job,

Some from L.A., some from Austin.

Something that he could potentially find meaning in.

Sometimes endearingly clumsy, or is that just her?

Sometimes I feel like I'm just, you know, buried in my work,

Sorry, man.

Sorry.

Soul brother, what's the deal, man?

Sound Machine, all right.

Sounds of amateurs

Southeast Texas Cherokees We the team

Speak like a poet

Speaking of.

Spread your girl's legs and then I have lunch

Stand up, Ty. Come on, son.

Stand up, Willoughby.

Stay strong.

Stop laughing, Coma! It's not fucking funny!

Stop laughing, Dale!

Strike three. Strike three.

Strike. 0 1?

Strike...

Student Center? Come with us. Come on, we'll fix you up!

Stupid fucking game!

Submarine pitch And the Mac can't handle it

Such as hitting a baseball,

Suck my dick, man!

Super annoying and ignores you.

Supposed to meet up with this hot dancer actress chick,

Sure those pants couldn't be a little tighter there?

Take pride in my pitching Like Rope and his ass

Taking an at bat. Yeah.

Temptation his asshole?

Thank God.

Thank you, Nesbit! 17 19, is that better?

Thank you, Willoughby. I'm Finn.

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Give me my adoration.

Thanks, man.

Thanks. (GRUNTS)

That ain't close to touching 90, son. Who you fooling?

That also offered me a scholarship.

That I gotta complete, you know?

That I'm not gonna be playing this game forever?

That is so sexy.

That looked fishy.

That the best shit you got?

That the lucky helmet was probably not the factor

That they fail to see

That was a joke.

That was adorable. Just the whole like...

That was just so there wouldn't be any confusion,

That wasn't quite good enough to play pro ball,

That we allow them to have.

That we get to feel passion in this world,

That we weren't supposed to have girls upstairs?

That we're ever gonna get that back?

That will literally die in the process of mating.

That you loved most in life, you know?

That's a book.

That's a championship team right there...

That's a good point. That's a good point.

That's all swolled up.

That's cool, that's cool and everything. I like pussy.

That's gonna be erupting like Mount St. Helens

That's how we do it.

That's Michelle with her friend Val.

That's not gonna cut it.

That's not true, though. You haven't danced with one girl yet.

That's players only now.

That's so cool, wow.

That's some pussy shit. It tastes like fruit punch.

That's strike one.

That's strike three. Dude, just sit down.

That's the Gilligan's Island theme song!

That's trendy now everywhere!

That's what he implied.

That's what I'm talking about, man!

That's what I'm talking about.

That's what I'm talking about.

That's what that was all about.

That's what we heard.

That's what we're talking about!

That's where I tie it in to baseball.

That's why I say, "Indulge in temptation."

The best in a gambling Nesbit's a rambling

The book is, we're going over to rap with them.

The chart says I'm overly confident, but the truth is (INHALES)

The city's been generous enough to donate these houses

The Druids fucking knew it.

The duck feet look great, dude.

The experience.

The fucking Mayans knew it, man.

The giant waterbed shaped iceberg right in their path.

The girls can be as big of sluts as the guys!

The gods intend for Sisyphus to suffer, right?

The guy that looks like Cheech.

The hiney was flawless.

The inside is even weirder.

The last three nights, we've danced at a disco,

The question now will be if this new, random helmet

The raw dog. (CHUCKLES)

The schedule says "batting practice."

The second coming of Nolan Ryan.

The super scout for the Reds? Master of disguise?

The topic was to take a Greek myth and relate it to your own life.

The what award?

The wonderful world of college pussy is upon you.

Their finger below the chest bone, in the solar plexus,

Them's the rule, Brums!

There actually is a strict relation between cause and effect.

There are animals, salmon, spiders

There was a typewriter in the back.

There we go.

There's a fucking faucet outside, man! Hurry up!

There's five helmets right there.

There's gonna be some guidelines for living here.

There's no way you're gonna suck that down

There's only one thing bigger than my IQ

There's plenty of room in both these houses for socializing.

There's probably the same ratio of intelligence

Therein lies the artistry, man.

These are my teammates. Plum, Finn, and Coma.

These people could really use a Bible!

They don't know the first thing about it, you know?

They gave us two houses. Man, we've got it made.

They get fucking killed!

They just got me five minutes ago.

They made me do it.

They speaketh the truth, young Beuter Perkins.

They speed up at the end. See that guy?

They were looking up on some transfer hours

They would love to watch every single one of you fail.

They, like, recruited us freshmen to help set up.

They'd been investigating it for a while,

They're chopping bits of your hair off, giving you real bangs. (LAUGHS)

They're good for something after all.

They're great. Devo and The Cars,

They're talking about his dick, man!

Things only mean as much as the meaningfulness

Think before you do something stupid, please.

Think that the quiet guy in the back seat was cute?

This big house just outside of town,

This guy's the best third baseman in the state!

This is gonna be very fun, Nesbit.

This is mine now.

This is the jazz improv. You're invited.

This is why we're one of the best teams in the nation, man.

This is why you're losing money all the time.

This isn't what I was expecting at all.

This just went from "cute" to "restraining order."

This one, this one loves catching our balls,

This shirt makes me fucking sad, man.

This, this, all of this,

This? This is ours.

Thoroughly equipped dungeon.

Those fucking goggles, you can't use those to read?

Those guys are always so fucking weird.

Three words,

Through this world without all of your unsolicited wisdom.

Throwing cheers to my boys

Till somebody's ears burn off, you can learn that, right?

To fold like a lawn chair?

To get this over with right here, right now.

To help with the overcrowding situation in athletic dorms,

To hit it with an ax?

To kick things off.

To let the experience find you.

To practically will yourself to victory.

To take batting practice off Jay Niles

To the most country bumpkin name we could come up with.

Told him that there's no historical proof

Tom, you know I wouldn't ask you this unless it were very important.

Tomorrow, same time, all right?

Too fucking philosophical for this shit.

Too much of this smells like cat piss.

Total mindless disco music,

Totally avoidable.

Triple or nothing sounds fantastic.

Triple or nothing. Huh?

True patriot love...

Trust me.

Trying to help you out, and you're gonna question me?

Trying to shore up our pitching staff.

Two hours of drinking before the team meeting.

Two years in a row. Undefeated.

Two, two, two, two! Ball's in the gap!

Ugh!

Uh oh.

Uh oh. If things calm down, Nez, you're next, bro.

Uh, Beuter, we also got a bet going on

Uh, dude, not you

Uh, give me your best pick up line.

Uh, Jake.

Uh, no, no, right handed.

Uh, Sound Machine.

Uh, we've got our party tonight.

Uh, well, shit, if you ever wanna find Beuter, just follow the phone cord.

Uh, what's up, guys? You lost?

Uh, yeah, yeah. Uh, I think so.

Uh...

Uh...

Uh...

Uh... No, I'm scared now, but, yeah...

Um, I suppose my dream girl would come bearing tea

Um, you could probably come, if you want.

Un fucking believable.

Undoubtedly Glen McReynolds, resident All American.

Unfortunately true.

Unlike Finn I don't drop to the knee

Unreal, doggie, we made it!

Up a mountain over and over and over again,

Used to, I'd be like, "No, don't do that."

Val.

Van's gone, he's gone.

Visual artists like (SNORTS) anything they could find.

Voluntary practice is on Sunday.

Wait here a second.

Wait, Jay Niles, one. Two? Who's two?

Wait, no, guys.

Wait, wait, wait.

Wake up, Coma!

Wakin ' up in a dream Lucid so sweet

Was it just a line to piss off the other guys in the car,

Was the baddest guy on his high school team.

Was the prospect of any of us getting laid!

Watch that shit in the future.

Way to go!

We already got the scouts here checking us out.

We are in the playoffs every year

We can stop now. We can call it five bucks.

We could just... Right here. You know?

We give it out to the most clueless freshman.

We goin' make a little trouble

We got a whole 'nother thing going on around here.

We gotta pay the phone bill here?

We have a little tradition out here welcoming in the new guys.

We just having good times, baby

We knew we'd find you drunks here!

We look forward to seeing all of you there.

We make you toothless To put it plain and simple

We smoked it!

We suck so fucking hard.

We the cream of the crop

We used to play ball in high school together.

We went over to the Guaranteed Wholesome.

We weren't spontaneously performing in the streets

We're a couple of guys who are gonna do

We're cool.

We're fucking drinking, man! That's what we're doing!

We're fucking weird, man! We're different!

We're getting all this shit for free, okay?

We're gonna go in a bit. You guys wanna join?

We're gonna need a couple more.

We're gonna play cards, you have fun.

We're gonna shift our focus

We're gonna stay here,

We're just gonna do a quick wardrobe change,

We're not doing so hot, but we're in the early innings.

We're out here, ahead of all the other teams

We're switching around our wardrobe a little bit.

We've all been through shit like this.

We've been together for three years!

Weirdo, man.

Welcome to college ball, freshman.

Welcome to college, motherfuckers.

Welcome to the big time, boys.

Welcome to the fucking party, Jake!

Well, besides your ever changing name.

Well, boys,

Well, he's filling the obligatory quota.

Well, hey, oh, hey This will make your day

Well, I gotta go inside for a second, but I'll see you soon.

Well, I'm around for the next couple of hours. Oh...

Well, it's not his fault. It's our fault.

Well, let me tell you something, Jake.

Well, look at you. (SCOFFS)

Well, man, I'll tell you what,

Well, my point was that they'd actually blessed him

Well, now you just plain hurt our feelings.

Well, okay, dude, you kinda rude

Well, shoot,

Well, take notes, boys,

Well, that's the sign of a good coon dog punch, Coma.

Well, the official season doesn't start till the spring,

Well, the rules state that,

Well, well, well, if it ain't Beuter Perkins! Hey!

Well, well, well!

Well, what are you?

Well, what were you expecting, Beuter?

Well, what's confusing, Perkins?

Well, who you talking to?

Well, yeah, man, we kind of are, you know?

Well, yeah, Plum, you do. And you know why you do?

Well, you gotta approach it like getting out on the mound,

Well, you notice how everybody was somewhat courteous

Went about as well as it could've.

What a dyke!

What about you?

What about you? You play any sports in high school?

What are all these other guys doing here?

What are you doing here? I thought you'd graduated.

What are you doing?

What are you gonna do with that?

What are you implying?

What are you talking about?

What class do you have first up?

What do you do? I mean, you didn't really answer me.

What do you mean, "the Pete Ward thing"?

What do you say?

What does that mean?

What I like to do is a little sugar, cayenne pepper,

What I need you to do is take that sifter,

What is it?

What is it?

What is that brown shit on your lip?

What is the most trouble you've ever gone to, to meet a girl?

What matters is just getting in that groove

What miserable updraft wafts you three hither?

What teachers will give you a break, what classes to take.

What the Charlie Pride are you talking about?

What the fuck game are they playing?

What the hell's wrong with you? You scared the shit out of me.

What was that?

What would be your dream date and your dream girl?

What, Disco Boy now wearing a cowboy hat and boots and shit?

What, I'm just trying to make the shot.

What, no speech?

What, the old "What's your major" question?

What, weed?

What, you just wake up one morning just fucking... (YELLS)

What?

What?

What?

What?

What? Let's go! Come on! What'd you say?

What? What party?

What? What?

What? What?

What's happening, boys?

What's the five knuckle shuffle?

What's up, dude? Tyrone Plummer.

What's up, man? Jake Bradford.

What's up?

What's up? Tyrone.

Whatever it takes to get laid. That's who we are.

Whatever, man.

When you get there.

When you really think about it, especially a game.

When you said you liked the quiet guy in the back seat best,

Where a lot of theater majors live.

Where the whole world kinda goes away,

Where?

Whether your share of the phone bill

Which is what she's hoping for.

Which isn't very much.

Which, although it sounds like a venereal disease...

Who are these guys?

Who are you to say he isn't real?

Who believed in astrology,

Who drinks a screwdriver, anyway?

Who gives a turd what some egghead professor says?

Who have not yet mastered the gap method.

Who just kind of spouts out all his stats

Who knows what fucking sweaty and encrusted items

Who maybe wants to come up here

Who the hell are you?

Who, at this stage, see you as someone trying to take their position.

Who's Jay Niles?

Who's Pete Ward?

Who's this fuck?

Whoa there, Willoughby.

Whoa, is...

Whoa. Hey. The bitch stick?

Whoo hoo!

Whoo!

Whoo!

Whoo!

Whoo!

Whoo!

Why does he keep saying things like that?

Why is the.230 hitter always the most superstitious?

Why?

Will you at least untuck your shirt?

Willoughby isn't even his real name.

WILLOUGHBY: But let's be honest,

WILLOUGHBY: Fuck!

WILLOUGHBY: Mmm hmm. Or he just finds you

WILLOUGHBY: No, man, not really.

WILLOUGHBY: So, where is the flag?

WILLOUGHBY: Yeah. FINN: You know, I tried to warn them.

Willoughby! Come over here.

With all the other little pigs you used to fuck.

With all your physiological phenomena bullshit.

With something to focus on, you know,

With the cactus and cows

Women find it a relief

Would I have walked up to you

Would you like to come see my large collection of heads,

Wow, man.

Wow!

Y'all wanna know the truth?

Yeah, "bitch boy."

Yeah, and I know where he wants it.

Yeah, and now that I've determined I don't really think

Yeah, but a good year.

Yeah, grab a helmet and get in the box. Come on.

Yeah, he's in there.

Yeah, hey, you know what, do what you do best, Niles,

Yeah, I can see how that could get threatening.

Yeah, I did, believe it or not.

Yeah, I have. Oh, yeah. Before you got here. I was all up on 'em, man.

Yeah, I know, I know. A little full of myself.

Yeah, I loved it.

Yeah, I'm moving to New York the second I graduate.

Yeah, I'm scared. Ooh!

Yeah, it sounds great.

Yeah, it's a mustache. That's a mustache.

Yeah, Jake.

Yeah, man, 95 mile an hour fastball.

Yeah, man, I must've wasted, like, $200 in quarters

Yeah, man, that's what she says.

Yeah, man. I mean, school hasn't even started yet,

Yeah, me, too, man.

Yeah, no shit,

Yeah, no shit.

Yeah, no, I mean, it was the least I could do

Yeah, no, I think I heard her say something like,

Yeah, Season 2, Episode 5, if I'm not mistaken.

Yeah, she's a senior.

Yeah, she's definitely cheating on him.

Yeah, that's it, man.

Yeah, that's just what I want.

Yeah, that's true.

Yeah, totally.

Yeah, we got all nine positions covered.

Yeah, we had ourselves a good ol' time.

Yeah, yeah, absolutely, dude.

Yeah, yeah, he never wants people to know he's watching,

Yeah, yeah, we should probably set up for it, right?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. The Blue Jays almost picked me up,

Yeah, yeah. You?

Yeah, you feeling lucky? I am.

Yeah, you keep up that funky ass spin shit.

Yeah, you need this. Yeah.

Yeah! Did you guys hear that?

Yeah! Fuck it!

Yeah?

Yeah? Well, I don't know.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. All right, well, I'm not afraid

Yeah. Hey, Beuter.

Yeah. Hey, new guys, listen up.

Yeah. I mean, every guy here

Yeah. No, not only that,

Yeah. Where's your English class?

Yeah. Yeah, he did.

Yeah. Yeah, you is a team player, ain't you?

Yeah. Yeah. Hi.

Yeah. Yeah. Sort of the central coast area.

Yeah. Yeah. There's gonna be too much smoke.

Yeah. Yeah. Where did you go to high school?

Yeah. You trying to make me nervous?

Yes, it is.

Yes, sir. (EXHALES)

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Yes.

Yes. As soon as you tell me.

Yo, what's happening, man?

You add a little whiskey, mmm, a little lime.

You can make a punk song out of that?

You can play an E pentatonic scale at 100 miles an hour

You can't win. Once they get up on you, you're fucked.

You cha chao before you even know it

You close your eyes and somebody places a thumb

You close your eyes, and somebody places

You could come all sweaty and in your uniform.

You don't flick a fucking lime!

You don't get it!

You don't have lime in a screwdriver!

You don't really mean that.

You don't really seem like it.

You feeling threatened yet?

You finally trading in that phone for the real thing?

You get a bunch of competitors together...

You get good at making the school part work for you, right?

You get your teammates in a fight and kicked out

You go get 'em, Jacob.

You go to a show, meet a couple of cute girls,

You go to class.

You got a football team that'll win about three games a year.

You got it. Attaboy.

You got some catching up to do.

You got superstitions.

You gotta accept it.

You gotta be shittin' me, Beuter!

You gotta fucking embrace your inner fucking strange, man.

You gotta suck its dick.

You guys aren't the All Stars you thought you were

You guys can come with me if you want.

You guys down for that?

You guys go ahead, man. I've got some unpacking to do.

You have to drive to Caribou River Park Reserve

You have to find a moose,

You have to fly to Winnipeg,

You have to rise and meet them on their level.

You have to walk out on the tundra,

You heard of "foot in the door"?

You just gotta create a clearing of columns.

You just made fun of me.

You just wouldn't listen, Nez. You wanna go half price?

You keep her buns downstairs. You got it?

You know how strong you'd have to be to do that?

You know I'm a fucking ballplayer, all right?

You know what I'll do?

You know what they call me?

You know what, I do have class.

You know what, if I had a prohibition against sleeping with all women

You know what, man, I got outta there about 6:00 in the morning.

You know what, your little...

You know what? I mean, taking account of the situation,

You know who drinks a screwdriver?

You know, (STAMMERING) and don't be afraid

You know, a fucking bunch of dudes jump around on stage,

You know, about anything.

You know, at someone's house out of town.

You know, can you find a way to overcome all obstacles

You know, den mother types up your ass.

You know, he's probably just a guy

You know, hitters, they got no idea what that's like.

You know, I couldn't help but notice you ladies being hassled

You know, I stepped up.

You know, I'll still have a few hours

You know, it's a gift to be striving at all, you know,

You know, it's first day of practice, all right?

You know, just look for two beautiful houses

You know, like, there's not even enough room in your body

You know, man, but my girlfriend, she lives out of town, right?

You know, moving into the dorms on campus?

You know, not only are you not the best guy on the team,

You know, she's not, like, actually a dominatrix.

You know, some guys are just so aggressive.

You know, that's a big adjustment to make.

You know, they're just... They're a little scared of us. You know?

You know, until tomorrow.

You know, we all make up this romantic crap in our heads.

You know, we have to have at least two weirdos on every team.

You know, we're playing baseball.

You know, where all the girls are.

You know, which might seem predatory on the surface,

You know, you're barely even good enough to be here.

You know?

You like her! Oh, God, Jake!

You look like a Bible salesman.

You look like a fucking narc.

You mean, you had to, like, write a bunch of essays

You might as well show 'em.

You need to stop thinking so much.

You one of the new freshmen?

You running back to that corn fed girlfriend of yours already?

You see that back there though? Mac almost took my head off.

You should be investing this energy elsewhere.

You sitting this one out with that "raw dog" bullshit.

You thinking you got me clocked, then I set you up.

You wanna know why?

You wanna rub your strikeout on me, man? Jesus.

You wanna try to make that starting rotation

You want a Dr. Pepper?

You want me on the mound!

You wear it well, and you pass it on.

You wound easily, poor Finnegan.

You wrote about that for your essay...

You, you sawed off drunk fuck.

You'd have been shut down. You don't see that?

You'll always be the champ, Nesie.

You're a freshman, too. Not supposed to be hazing me.

You're all over 18, all right? Just no booze in this house.

You're at a new level here.

You're back there having a fucking good time!

You're curious about what?

You're fucking selfish, man! It's about the team here!

You're fucking yourself up.

You're gonna be seeing this guy on TV someday.

You're just excited to hit off me for once, huh?

You're like a lost lamb.

You're making us look bad. Just sit down.

You're not detecting an anti pitcher bias around here?

You're not gonna let this be one of those things, are you?

You're not one of those guys that thinks that

You're on the hill. Plum, you're catching.

You're pissing in the tall grass with the big dick dogs now.

You're so fucking desperate, dude.

You're talking about 62 pounds per cubic foot.

You're the Hillside Strangler anymore, um...

You're the new guy?

You've just invited me over for dinner, haven't you?

Your fucking junkyard dog routine from fucking Detroit

Your guys' cup of tea, but, I mean, fuck it,

Yup.

0 2?

2nd Team All State.

15th and Avenue H.

17 point!

307, right?

"is a cock jockey." JAKE: Oh.

"The Eye of the Beholder." Yeah, yeah, that one.

(ALL CHEERING) Yeah!

(ALL GROANING) What?

(BALL CLATTERING) Yeah. There it goes.

(CHUCKLES) A little bit.

(COUGHS) Oh, yes. I mean, look,

(COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING) (WHOOPING)

(EXCLAIMS) (EXHALES)

(EXHALES) ...and on the count of three,

(FLICKS KNUCKLES) (NEZ GROANS)

(GIRL SQUEALS) (ALL GROANING)

(GIRLS LAUGHING) Yeah, baby!

(GROANS) (LAUGHING)

(HONKING) Tit tit tit tit tit tits!

(INDISTINCT CHATTER) English.

(JAKE GRUNTS) Impossible to move.

(JAY GASPS) PLAYER 1: Whoo hoo!

(LAUGHS) Wow.

(MOCKINGLY) Aww. (LAUGHS)

(MUSIC CONTINUES) (LAUGHING)

(PLAYING PUNK MUSIC) (SINGING)

(RAP MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO) (ALL SINGING ALONG)

(SIGHS) Fuck! I was thinking about sharks.

(SIGHS) We suck tonight. Dude, this is getting ridiculous.

(WHIPS) (GRUNTS)

(WHIPS) DEBRA: Ooh!

(WHISPERING) Your call. I wanna go.

19 17. Actually, it's 17 19.

20 17! 17 point.

A big pile of what? Bullshit!

A real drink! (LAUGHS) Yeah! Yeah, do that!

About there? (LAUGHS) Yeah, border. Borderline.

Ah! Shit! Shit. Sorry.

All right then, boys, y'all be good. Uh uh uh!

All right, go get 'em, Jake. Let's go, fellas.

All right. Those your bags?

All rightie. Okay.

Almost went to USC. Were you drafted?

And I was like... (GRUNTS) "What is he doing?"

And the eyes! ROPER: Let me see that.

Are we to suppose... Oh, we're supposing.

Are you serious? Ow!

Beuter. Yes, sir.

BEVERLY: Ah! (PLAYERS CHEERING)

BEVERLY: Yes. That's a very tough question.

Big mouth! Yeah.

Blue, like your eyes. ...baseball team.

BOUNCER: You fucking asshole! Stupid fucking asshole!

BOY: Yeah! GIRL: Whoo!

BRUM: All right. Damn!

BRUM: Hi, Beverly. Good to see you.

BRUM: You had enough? (GROANS)

But I'm very loyal... Mmm hmm.

Bye. Bye.

Come on, let's get a beer. Come in. Yeah.

Cool. Okay.

Cool. Cool. Mmm... Yeah. Yeah. Very cool.

Cool. Yeah, cool. Yeah, might be fun.

Dale Douglas. Jake Bradford.

Debra Kadabra? Yeah?

Detroit? What? What?

Did you see that? JAKE: What?

DJ: Hey, what'd you say? ALL: Bullshit!

DJ: Y'all know what time it is! Oh, my God!

Eight up! Eight up! Let's go! Let's do it! JAY: Eight eight.

Exactly. DALE: Whoo! Whoo!

Excuse me. Bye. Yup. Bye.

Fetch. Yeah!

Finn, don't disappoint me. Give me a second.

FINN: 304. Can we go now, Mr. Stalker?

FINN: Beautifully played. Oh!

FINN: Oh, my goodness. (ALL LAUGHING)

Finn? Yeah?

First time wearing cologne? No.

Folded like a lawn chair. Yup. Yup, yup, yup.

Freshman's hearing things. No, dude.

From here to here. Go on, show me.

Fuck it! ...quitter?

Fuck off with that shit, boy. (LAUGHS)

Fuck off, faggots! Yeah!

Fuck! (CLATTERING)

Fuck! You're up, man.

Fuck. I tell you.

Fuckin' with me. No...

Fucking no. No.

Fucking nutjob. Ridiculous. You don't want any more?

Genius. Yes! Genius!

GIRL: Go, go, go. (PEOPLE CHEERING)

GIRL: Oh, my God. Oh! Hey! (LAUGHS)

Give me my hat, all right? (LAUGHING)

Go! God! Jesus!

Good game, man. You can't...

Good move. Yeah, yeah.

Good pitcher, too. Oh, yeah.

Good to meet you, man. Good to meet you.

Happened once before. Wait, really?

Having a tail. Cereal?

He can't sit up. That's ridiculous.

he just doesn't want us to go. Mmm...

He likes her. He likes her.

Hello? (DOOR CLOSES)

Hey there. What's up?

Hey, Beuter, you leaving us already? (ROPER LAUGHS)

Hey, Bradford. Yeah.

Hey, come on, look at me. Don't do it.

Hey, Detroit! Yeah?

Hey, did you guys see me win? Put your fucking hands up.

Hey, do me a favor. Stop for a second. ROPER: Why?

Hey, hey, guys. Yeah?

Hey, Jake. Yeah?

Hey, look at me. Look at me. Don't look.

Hey, man, I'm doing it, huh? (CHAIN LINK FENCE RATTLING)

Hey, man, you get high? Yeah. Yeah, here and there.

Hey, what'd you say? ALL: Bullshit!

Hey, what's going on, Jacob? What's up, man?

Hey, what's wrong with Jacob? (JAKE GROANS)

Hey, you Billy Autrey? Beuter?

Hey! What's up, man?

Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hi, Jake.

Hey. Nice to meet you. Hi. Nice to meet you.

Hi. Charlie Willoughby. Hi. Jake. Good to meet you.

Hmm. Yeah?

How about that? Hey, Beut, you gotta try this.

How bad is it? It's bad.

How you doing? GIRL: Hi.

How you doing? This is where you living?

How's it going, man? Hey. Two dollar cover.

How's it going? Yeah, yeah!

Huh? Yeah? That was pathetic, man.

I didn't hear anything. ROPER: Delusional.

I don't know, dude. Go for it, man.

I don't know. Yeah.

I don't know. I don't know. Let's go!

I hear Val is fun. Go for it! All right, cool.

I sure as hell am. Mmm.

I think I'm here. Here?

I think they did. Shit!

I wound easily. (SNICKERING)

I'll be right back. Huh?

I'll bet you 10 bucks. Ten bucks?

I'm a Leo. Uh oh.

I'm being practical. (ALL LAUGHING)

I'm fucking done, all right! (LAUGHING)

I'm Jake. Don't do it.

I'm ready. Get in the box. Jeez, let's not.

I'm up. Yeah.

If you wanna join that. Yeah. Yeah, maybe.

in one hit, man. (CHUCKLES)

Infielder? Pitcher.

Is that a mustache? Yeah.

Is that enough for you? Okay. Yes. Yes.

Is this the Mad Hatter? MAD HATTER: Yes.

It's camouflage! (MUSIC CONTINUES)

It's growing. FINN: Was that hair?

It's our ball. Damn it!

JAKE: That dude needs to relax. Thanks, Jake.

JAKE: What's up, man? Hold on one second, babe.

Jake! Hey! Hi! Hey! Hey!

Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake!

JAY: Fuck you, Sound Machine! Whoo!

Jesus, freshman, figure it out, man. Oh. (LAUGHS)

Just moving around. Yeah.

Just one. Oh. What'd you write about?

Just warming up. Mmm hmm.

Kind of dumb? No, no, no.

Kind of. (CH UCKLES)

Let's go! Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Let's go. That's what I'm talking about.

Let's go. Let's go. I'm not gonna do anything.

Like the one in Fame? Kind of.

Little window? Yeah. Yeah.

Look at you, ping pong pimp. Yeah!

Lookit. What? What's up?

Michelle, Val, this is Jake. (DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)

Michelle. Dale. (LAUGHS)

Murphy! Trouble walking in. (INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

My cupcake. Come on. (LAUGHS) I can't.

My dad was a table... Fuck off.

My little sister drinks a screwdriver too. Oh, really? Does she?

NEZ: I kinda like our relationship. Mmm.

Nice to meet you. (SIGHS)

No way. Dude, what?

No, F that and you. No, Jake, Jake!

No, no, no. Double or nothing.

No, sir. She got the rag. ALL: Aww!

No? No!

No? No.

No. Superstitions are

No. Yeah.

None of us do. (VIDEO GAME BEEPS)

Now we're full up. (ALL LAUGHING)

Of course we're down! JUSTIN: Yeah!

Oh, "a nice time"? Oh, man, I know...

Oh, bite me, Finn. FINN: I will not...

Oh, cool. That was just a costume.

Oh, I see. ...flicking each other's knuckles.

Oh, Jesus Christ, not this psychopath. DALE: Oh, shit.

Oh, my God. Un fucking real, man.

Oh, no fucking way. No, sir.

Oh, shit, come on. Oh, shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah? This new 'do!

Oh, yeah. Fuck this. I'm done.

Oh, yeah. Mmm hmm.

Oh, yeah. Verifiably a complete waste

Oh, yeah. Whoo!

Oh, yes! BEVERLY: Yes.

Oh, you gotta see this. Yeah.

Oh! ALL: Ugh!

Okay, cool. Yeah, see you. Pretty soon.

Okay, dumb. You know, actually,

Okay, man. Okay, all right!

Okay? All right. Okay. (CHUCKLES)

Okay. Just about half.

on a team anymore... (HUMMING)

on the first day or so? Yeah.

Pete Ward. What about him?

Pete Ward's here? Yeah, baby. ROPER: Oh, yeah.

Phone. What, man?

PLAYER: Good hit, Mac! Hey, nice hit.

PLAYER: Really? Oh, yeah.

PLAYER: Yeah! (PLAYERS APPLAUDING)

Please? Brumley, shut the fuck up!

PLUM: What's up? What's happening, man?

Probably do the shit work. Nice.

Ready? Aim...

Really? Mmm hmm.

Really? Yeah.

Really? Yeah. God, I can't wait.

Right. See ya. Okay. All right.

ROPER: Hey, whoa! Oh!

ROPER: Oh, my God. Fuck you!

ROPER: Oh, yeah. They're intelligent girls.

ROPER: Scariness. Wait. Oh, wait.

ROPER: That ass is golden. Absolutely, say no more.

ROPER: What? (LAUGHS) Busted!

ROPER: You can't, no. Get up.

Same shot every time! All right. You know, um, Mac?

Serious? Promise? Yeah, they look great.

Shit, they don't? No.

Shit, you like baseball, too? Some nice... Fuck.

Shit! DALE: Fucking unreal.

Shut your eyes... Mmm mmm.

Sit! Heel, boy. Heel, boy.

small town in the valley. Yeah.

so this is about done. Mmm hmm.

So, I gotta get two? Yeah, Mac, two.

Stepped in what? Bullshit!

Still bad odds. First cousin?

Strike! BRUM: Come on, Plum.

Sure thing. (ALL LAUGHING)

Sure, man, 309. No, 307.

That was beautiful. Oh!

That's special. FINN: Let me talk, man.

The feminist. Mmm.

The leg stuff. How does that happen?

The one on the right. The tall one?

Theater party. Theater party.

They made all that up, too. PLUM: Yeah?

Thirty! Like a three and a zero.

This ain't no frat party. (WHISTLES)

This? Yeah, come on.

to come to this party. (SIGHS)

To the Fox? To the Fox.

Transferring, playing ball. Is he still here?

Try it again, Nesbit. Okay.

Uh huh. It's just a players only practice

Uh, California. That's where you're from?

Uh, no. Good.

Um, hello. QUEEN: Oh, hello.

Val? How you doing, Dale?

Wait, Jay Niles isn't with you guys? (ALL GROAN)

Wanna come in? Okay. Sure. Yeah.

Wanna pick your shit up? Oh, yeah. Sorry.

way over $300. (ALL LAUGHING)

We got a whole game to play. Yeah.

What a piece of shit old house, man. Yup, yup.

What am I thinking about? Baseball.

What are you doing? Putting it on.

What does that mean? I don't know.

What the fuck does that mean? Fuck if I know.

What the fuck? JAY: Let's go!

What? Hey! Whoa!

What's going on, fellas? Hey, guys, this is Justin.

Whoa, fuck! That's for you, babe!

Whoo! Yeah! Here we go.

Whoo! Good spot, bro! Wow.

Why do you ask? I'm curious.

Why not? Why?

Y'all say what? Bullshit!

Yeah, but I heard "cock gobbler." FINN: Cock gobbler.

Yeah, Jake. Coma.

Yeah, so? You're a fucking badass!

Yeah, we are. Okay? Yeah.

Yeah! So she gets surgery,

Yeah? Oh, hell, yes.

Yeah? Yeah.

Yeah? Yeah.

Yeah? All right. All right. Cool.

Yeah? Okay. Yeah.

Yeah. ...and you're addicted to winning.

Yeah. 0 2!

Yeah. Go!

Yeah. It's unbelievable

Yeah. Yeah?

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Fuck you, too. (CHUCKLES)

Yeah. Sure. Okay.

Yeah. Ten bucks. You wanna go... That's steep for you.

Yeah. Yeah, I know. Right? Yeah.

Yes, sir. (LAUGHS)

Yes, sir. Temptation, my asshole.

Yes. (YELLS)

You are a natural. Thank you.

You can't teach this chemistry. You can't.

You drafted? No.

You guys wanna dance? JAKE: Yeah.

You have. (CHUCKLES)

You know them? DALE: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know what that is? What?

You know what that's called? JAKE: No.

You locked in? All right. Yeah.

You see what I'm doing right there? Yeah.

You talkin' to me? No, can't you see?

You up? Yeah.

You warm? Yeah.

You're blonde! I know. (GIGGLES)

You're fucked, Brum. What?

You're steppin' in what? Bullshit!

Yup. I hate pitchers, okay?

...charming Rod McKuen bit you quoted in your note.

...or I'm doing anything particularly "respectable,"

...those two things together?

'Cause had it been after practice,

'cause here we come with Cotton Eyed Joe!

'Cause I got a bigger secret I drop to my feet

'cause I grew up on two rivers.

'Cause I'm a superstitious fella

'Cause I'm the fucking raw dog, man.

'cause it makes you feel better, right?

'Cause someone dropped out, and it's really easy,

'cause that shuts down the spinal.

'Cause they know that I'm the best

'cause when he was coming in,

'Cause when you party like a savage

"Don't worry, I'm gonna pay for the abortion,"

"Go fly a kite!"

"He's a baseball player."

"his cock looks like an outie bellybutton."

"How's your ballplayer doing?"

"I don't know. He's a marketing major."

"I'm just..." Oh, damn. Yeah.

"Is his girlfriend in his family tree?"

"It needs some tail." And ol' Ben says,

"it's how those atoms are put together."

"Looking for love in all the wrong places."

"Oh, he's sliding home."

"Oh, he's still stiff as a bat."

"Oh, yeah, I'm a Leo. You know, very confident..."

"The beauty of a living thing isn't about the atoms that go into it,

"The guy in the back, whether he knows it or not,

"Well, that's what I told Mrs. Franklin. She told me to go fly a kite!"

"What if he smells my breath?"

"What's he like? What's he do?"

"You got the best cheese on campus."

"You still ballin' your player?"

(ALL CHEERING)

(ALL CHEERING)

(ALL CHEERING)

(ALL CHEERING)

(ALL CHEERING)

(ALL CHEERING)

(ALL CHEERING)

(ALL JEERING)

(ALL LAUGH)

(ALL LAUGH)

(ALL LAUGHING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

(ALL REFUSING)

(ALL SNICKERING)

(ALL WHOOPING)

(ALL WHOOPING)

(BLUEGRASS MUSIC PLAYING)

(BOTH CHEERING)

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

(BOTH EXCLAIMING)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(BOTH PANTING)

(BOTH SIGH)

(BOTH YELLING)

(BOTH YELLING)

(BOYS SINGING ALONG)

(BOYS SNICKERING)

(BRAKE SCREECHES)

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

(CEILING CREAKS)

(CHEERING)

(CHEERING)

(CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES) At least take the sunglasses off, man.

(CHUCKLES) Not bad.

(CHUCKLES) What did I tell you?

(CHUCKLES) What?

(CHUCKLING) Not at the moment.

(CHUCKLING) Okay.

(CHUCKLING) Yeah.

(CLEARS THROAT) Excuse me, ladies.

(CLEARS THROAT) Fuck.

(CLICKS TONGUE) No.

(CLINKS)

(COUGHS)

(COUGHS) that would be fucking amazing

(CROWD CHEERING)

(CROWD CHEERING)

(CROWD CHEERING)

(DALE LAUGHS)

(DISCO MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)

(DISCO MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)

(DISCO MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)

(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)

(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)

(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)

(DOOR SLAMS)

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

(EXHALES)

(EXHALES)

(EXHALES)

(EXHALES)

(EXHALES)

(EXHALES) Did he just fucking... It's a fucking screwdriver!

(EXHALING SHARPLY) Nope.

(FAUCET HISSING)

(FOLK MUSIC PLAYING)

(FUNK MUSIC PLAYING)

(GASPS)

(GASPS) Oh, shit, it's the Led Zeppelin dude.

(GROANING)

(GROANS)

(GROWLS)

(GRUNTING)

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS) D, I don't know. Why?

(GRUNTS) So, how'd it go with the Beverly chick?

(IN GERMAN ACCENT) I have very special ways.

(IN GERMAN ACCENT) Onward, upward and inward! Ja?

(INAUDIBLE)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

(INDISTINCT)

(INHALES DEEPLY)

(INHALES DEEPLY)

(JAKE LAUGHING)

(JAKE LAUGHS)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

(KNOCKS)

(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING) You gotta be shittin' me, man!

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

(MEOWS)

(METAL CLANKING)

(MIMICS GIRL) "Hey, so have you had your chart done?"

(MOCKING FINN)

(MOCKINGLY) "Are you sure Coach isn't gonna know if we've been drinking?

(MOUTHING)

(NEZ EXCLAIMS)

(NEZ GRUNTING)

(PEOPLE WHOOPING)

(PHONE CONTINUES RINGING)

(PHONE RINGING)

(PLAYERS SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)

(PLAYERS SHOUTING)

(PLUM WHISTLES)

(POP MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

(PUNK MUSIC PLAYING)

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING UPSTAIRS)

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(SCATTERED LAUGHTER)

(SCATTERED LAUGHTER)

(SCATTING)

(SCOFFS)

(SCOFFS)

(SCOFFS)

(SCREAMS)

(SHOUTING CONTINUES)

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS) Did I

(SINGING)

(SINGING) I'm Rope a Dope A proud Cherokee

(SINGING) O Canada!

(SLURPS)

(SOFTLY) Fuck.

(SOFTLY) Ooh.

(SPECTATORS EXCLAIMING)

(STAMMERS)

(STAMMERS) It's all so damn tribal.

(STRAINING) I can't. Fucking I can't.

(VAL GIGGLES)

(VETERAN PLAYERS WHOOPING)

(WHISPERING) Any other litmus tests?

(WHISPERING) Is the Queen of Hearts a dude?

(WHOOPING)

(WHOOPING)

(WOMAN CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY ON TV)

(WOMAN LAUGHING)

(YELLS)

(YELLS)

(ZIPPING UP)

$300 and a kid?