Observe and Report (2009) Edit

A change is coming.

A clue in the pervert case. We found it next to the Dumpsters.

A code of my own invention, but a code nonetheless.

A few clues, nice little list of suspects...

A, she's the prettiest girl in this entire mall and maybe the world.

Ain't just gonna tattoo any motherfucker on my chest!

All day, I'm listening to your bullshit!

All is back to normal?

All right, have a nice day.

All right, kids, no horseplay. Get on home. It's late.

All right, well, just take it easy.

All right, you need to get the fuck out of here. Let's move.

All right? The best thing to do at this point...

All right. Go get him.

All right. Let's do it.

Allowing him to join the force at this time puts his life...

Alrighty.

Also found out that Detective Harrison over here...

Also, interesting news, not really enough room for two cooks in this kitchen.

Am I looking for that crack?

And everyone starts screaming and clawing their eyes...

And honestly? I will never say a word about this to anyone.

And I am getting God's work done.

And I follow it to the fucking T.

And I thought you'd be there to take care of me, so l...

And I'm doing it for you.

And I'm serving up justice.

And if anyone here wants a girl to have sex with you...

And most people would've thrown me away by now...

And news flash, you're a fucking rent a cop!

And no matter what the world, um...

And nobody hurts Ronnie.

And that's where you gotta smarten up...

And then you hear a rumbling...

And there's kids, you know, swinging, and they're laughing.

And those stop me from doing that, so consider those my gift to you, Brandi.

And when it comes, it's gonna blow your brains all over the street.

And you know what happens next?

And you know what I do?

And you know what I say?

And you know what?

And you know what?

And your crime is you care too much.

And, Ronnie, do you have any history of depression...

And, you know what? I'm just glad that I finally have a partner in crime, man.

And...

Anyway, no hard feelings, okay?

Anyway, that's the fucking mall, you know?

Are we gonna be getting paid extra for this?

Are you fucking retarded, Ronnie?

Are you interested in joining the force?

Are you okay, Brandi?

Are you okay? Jesus Christ, I came as soon as I heard.

Aren't you embarrassed saying that? Like a cop.

As in crack cocaine?

Ask a question, get an answer. You got a hell of a system.

B, it's clear that this pervert is some kind of sociopathic genius...

Bag it and tag it, get it to my office.

Bam, right into the... Into the frigging fryer.

Be seeing you around, get more of this, maybe a free cinnamon bun or something.

Because it makes me, like, open up my heart, you know what I'm saying?

Because it seems like this is completely separate from...

Because she's the girl that does that!

Because you're a fucking retard!

Boom! Fuck you.

Brandi, Brandi, Brandi.

Brandi?

Brandi.

Brandi.

Brandi. Brandi!

Brandi...

BRANDl: And it'll tingle just a little bit...

BRANDl: My God. It's not gonna happen.

BRANDl: You guys are hysterical. Let me out!

Bruce wants to know if he'll be safe.

But coffee's delicious.

But I can't do that.

But I didn't wanna put the extra pressure on our friendship, so thank you so much.

But I just... I just need to...

But I tell you, I got your fucking number...

But if he was here...

But now I got a whole new script.

But you ain't seen the best part yet, man, because when everybody leave this place...

But you know what I realize now?

But you look at his face, his inflections, the tone of his voice. Look at his eyes.

But you should know that there's no shame in going after your dreams.

But...

Calm the fuck down!

Can any of you guess?

Can I have one?

Can you give us a statement as to the identity of the pervert?

Carrying a gun to work is, like, the best.

Caught the pervert.

Charles, your position is that of a student.

CHARLES: Hey, Ronnie. JOHN: Hey.

CHARLES: Ronnie, I just wanna let you know it's really good to have you back.

Chubby and blond.

Clonazepam.

Come here.

Come on, bitch.

Come on, let's do this the easy way.

Come on, Ronnie. Just get out here.

Come on.

Come on. Ronnie, come on.

Come out, come out, wherever you are.

Come to the station and we'll go through some mug shots.

Congratulations.

Could you keep your traffic area clear?

Cup of joe, please.

Danger lurks in the darkness waiting to pounce...

Definitely.

DENNIS [IN VOICE O VER]: What's up, motherfackle?

Dennis, I can't be a part of this.

DENNIS: I'm not gonna lie to you. There's nothing good about this at all.

DENNIS: Okay, so everybody, listen up, okay?

DENNIS: Ronnie. Yeah.

Detective. Detective.

Do you remember anything specific?

Do you think it was my fault that Dad left?

Doesn't that hurt your feelings?

Don't do it, okay?

Don't fucking talk back to me!

Don't tell anyone. I don't really want it getting out there.

Don't worry. All right?

Eh. I think you mean Officer Barnhardt.

Everybody, get out of the way! Move! Move!

Everyone thinks they're fine till someone puts something in them they don't want.

Exactly.

Excuse me. Detective Harrison, Conway Police.

Feel that?

Few people do it and you should keep doing it, no matter how many people laugh at you.

Finally gonna get to carry a gun and everything.

Finding myself a mile from home with bloody feet and a gun.

Fine, motherfucker! All right, pick me up next Friday night.

FLASHER: Hey.

FLASHER: Touch Daddy's dick.

For I have been chosen to be the protector...

For your tears.

From my doctor.

Fuck every one of you.

Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.

Fuck you, Ronnie.

Fuck you, Tyler.

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

Fuck you. Fuck you.

Fuck, yeah.

Fuck!

Gather around me, guys.

Get in there!

Get out of the way! Mall security, get out of the way!

Get the fuck out of my face, guys.

Get up, motherfucker.

Get used to seeing Ronnie Barnhardt around here.

Go ahead.

God, do I ever party like... I party like this every four to six hours.

God.

God.

Good job, you caught a pervert.

Good job.

Good luck with the crack. Have a good life.

Good night, Mom. Love you.

Good, I hope he does get killed. Fuck him. I don't care.

Got my hair done too.

Gotta wait for my partner to get back. Should be any second.

Great, actually.

Guess what happened today, guys?

Guys, all this is evidence.

Harrison seems to be too blinded by your beauty to ask the right questions.

Harrison, where are you...? Harrison!

HARRISON: Don't say anything, it's gonna give it away.

HARRISON: See that corner there, Ronnie? Yeah, I see it.

Harrison!

He comes here and harasses me like every day.

He hates me because I can't walk.

He talks about me with that girl all the time.

He's coming back quick and he's coming back hard.

He's really pissed about the altercation in Cosmetics.

He's still in this mall. He's laying low, waiting for a new opportunity to pounce.

He's talking about calling the cops...

Head of mall security, chief inspector on the case.

Heavens, no.

Here's how this is gonna break down. Dennis, you're my second in command.

Hey there, stranger.

Hey, bitch.

Hey, fuck you, okay? I'm a business owner.

Hey, gentlemen.

Hey, Harrison.

Hey, player, you looking for that crack?

Hey, Ronnie.

Hey, Ronnie.

Hey, um...

Hey, where you going?

Hey, you know where any sales are?

Hey.

Hi, Brandi. How you doing? You okay?

Hi, I'm Nell.

Hi. Your secretary told me to come in. I'm Detective Harrison, Conway Police.

Hm.

Hold my piece. I'm taking him to the station myself.

Hold up, all right?

Hot plates of justice.

How are you feeling?

How can I help you?

How could you do this to me?

How many motherfuckers have you killed? None.

How much did King Arthur get paid to kill Merlin?

How much did they get paid to invent television?

How much did they get paid to storm Normandy?

How the fuck do you sleep at night?

How's it going, amigo?

How's your dick hanging?

I accept you.

I already told you...

I always land on my feet.

I always wanted to be a cop. I didn't want to admit it, but you knew.

I am an instrument of protection...

I am pleased to announce that I am currently off all prescription medication.

I am the hammer in the right hand of all that is good.

I am well within my rights, plus I've taken the liberty of clearing this with the captain.

I believe every man has a path laid out before him...

I believe that good will win through in the end.

I blow every fucking thing away.

I came to the Forest Ridge Mall...

I can pound those all day and still keep my shit together.

I can stop, but I'm not going to unless you go to dinner with me.

I cannot believe you took him to the fucking Crossroads.

I did it. There are six dead crackheads that can confirm that.

I did not think you partied like that.

I disagree with his methods, but that is a fire hazard.

I do it because I love you, Mom.

I do it so other people can sleep well at night.

I don't believe it. Are you gonna seriously sit here and talk to me?

I don't care. I don't care.

I don't know what's happening to me, Dennis.

I don't know, I'm drunk.

I don't know. Maybe look for a job or something.

I don't mean to insult you. Did you do something different with the coffee?

I don't see how this is possible.

I don't think I need them anymore. Everything is going great in my life.

I don't... Um...

I feel a lot better.

I feel like I'm losing it.

I fell into that world of pretend.

I found out quite a bit, actually.

I found this.

I got another one right here, motherfucker.

I got the code...

I got you a coffee.

I gotta come back to this shithole...

I gotta... I have to thank you, man, you know, like...

I hate you! I hate you so much, you fucking faggot!

I have a dream...

I have a restraining order against you, so take this opportunity to back up.

I have no idea how I got there, but pound for pound, I'd say...

I have to get going, okay?

I just gotta ask you, Ronnie...

I just know it.

I just know mothers are supposed to say stuff like that...

I just want this to be over as soon as possible, okay?

I just want you to know that you really are my best friend.

I just want you to know...

I just wanted to write you and say that I really am sorry...

I knew right then and there that I would fuck him that night...

I knew you wanted to see if I had the chops to become a police officer. I did it, man.

I know how to deal with the system.

I know how to fuck with it.

I know it was horrible. Just don't think about his penis.

I know it's hard...

I know this is hard to hear.

I know.

I know. I can't reach that far.

I laugh at other idiots trying to do what they want.

I live by a code.

I love you too, Mom.

I love you, Ronnie.

I love you, you fucking bitch!

I love you.

I made several dinner reservations, so we'll get a table no matter what.

I mean, honestly, I'm touched.

I mean, I just listen to bitching all day long.

I mean, I think it could be that big, Ronnie.

I mean, it'd be perfect for, you know, the back of the golf cart.

I mean, so, yeah, I'm a virgin again.

I mean, that's ridiculous.

I mean, this is a real case. This is my chance just to be great.

I mean, we've all been to beach week, right?

I mean, you had so many special needs...

I met a girl, right over there.

I met a girl. We're in love.

I must stand fast in my resolve.

I need more.

I need to accept...

I notice you wear a ring on your finger. Are you married?

I noticed your sign. I'd like to claim one of your free cups of coffee, please.

I obviously can't walk.

I remember she put a big A plus on it and a "pass."

I set you up.

I should warn the pervert that Bruce is out there.

I sure hope that happens to me tonight.

I swear on my soul I'm gonna catch this guy.

I think I need a mint or something.

I think it's really funny to call a waitress "nurse."

I think the White House could be the next stop.

I think this is good enough for now.

I think you should dress like yourself.

I think, Ronnie, that I am... I'm gonna be just fine.

I thought we were allies, Harrison. I thought we were brothers of the badge.

I thought you were gonna go work for the police.

I use the same technique in the mall.

I used to think...

I usually do the foot patrols myself.

I wanna quit and I can't because I don't have any money...

I want everyone to know Ronnie Barnhardt caught the pervert...

I was actually looking to inquire...

I was like, "Okay, weird guy at the mall asking me out."

I was never here, okay?

I will * * * * * * * murder you!

I will leave a mark so big that it will be felt for years to come...

I will murder you!

I win.

I won't let you down.

I, like, do makeup on these fat ass women.

I'd say better than normal, actually. Personal life is going fantastic.

I'll be here.

I'll catch you guys later.

I'm A okay.

I'm beginning to feel goddamn underappreciated around here, you sellout.

I'm Detective Harrison with the Conway Police...

I'm gonna be a specter, an invisible man.

I'm gonna fuck you.

I'm gonna get him.

I'm gonna give you my card. Call me when you aren't working.

I'm gonna let you do it tonight.

I'm gonna start that again.

I'm here for my ride along, you know? I figure you can come into the mall...

I'm here with Ronnie Barnhardt, head of mall security here at the Forest Ridge Mall.

I'm in charge of this.

I'm in shock.

I'm just a cop."

I'm just a regular guy in the mall. I got no rules to follow.

I'm just fucking with you, Bruce.

I'm just kind of curious, mostly. Why? Do you see something in me?

I'm just your average mall customer.

I'm married to God.

I'm not okay, Charles.

I'm pretty shaken up.

I'm ready.

I'm real glad that you opened up to me.

I'm so happy for you.

I'm so proud of you, Mom.

I'm so proud of you.

I'm so sorry. Out of everyone, I should've been protecting you.

I'm sorry.

I'm standing here at Forest Ridge Mall...

I'm sure you do.

I'm switching to beer.

I'm talking about black ops shit. I'm talking about going off the grid completely.

I'm telling you, I hate this guy. I hate him more than...

I'm this close to catching this pervert, catching a robber.

I'm with Ronnie Barnhardt, one of the security guards, who...

I'm... What's all that about?

I've killed two, so shut the fuck up.

I've never had a partner.

If only I had a stick or something that would extend my reach...

If someone's interested, I usually recommend a ride along first.

If you ever wanna party, just get your ass to Mexico.

In fact, right now, I don't think I want anything less...

In these dark times, people need something to believe in.

Instead of watching the mall like they're supposed to...

Is something wrong?

Is the pervert gonna get me?

Is there really a pervert here?

It can never take your dreams away.

It doesn't matter.

It feels so good to hear you say that, man.

It hasn't been easy. I mean, we still patrol the area to keep our presence up.

It just keeps playing over and over in my head.

It just means that I'm waiting for marriage before I'm with a man.

It might sound bad, but...

It says right here.

It seems you had trouble passing the minimum requirements.

It seems your son just tried to sell me an illegal drug.

It starts on a playground.

It starts sweeping over the playground.

It was horrible.

It was nicknamed "the Crossroads."

It's a date.

It's a little different, I guess.

It's a place of beauty...

It's a place where lost souls can find a home.

It's actually kind of my job to put myself in harm's way...

It's been a tough day for him. It's been tough on his spirit.

It's been a while. Sorry.

It's been amazing...

It's clear to me that she's been targeted here.

It's not every day that you meet somebody that stands for something in this world.

It's on repeat.

It's only a matter of time until the clouds part and the sun shines down.

It's only a matter of time until the clouds part and the sun shines...

It's paperwork. It's procedures.

It's the easiest thing on earth.

It's where you ride along with a real police officer during patrol.

Jesus, Ronnie!

JOHN: No, 20. You're confirming it's 20?

JOHN: Yes, I'm confirming 20.

Just a little bipolar disorder.

Just generally becoming the man.

Just got myself and my instinct.

Just like it is with you, and I have this cop thing.

Just screaming bloody murder, waking up with nosebleeds, night terrors.

Just stay with me, Brandi. Just, look, stay with me.

Just, I'm like... You know, I'm like a cat.

Kid's not even officially on the team yet and he thinks he's got it all figured out.

Last week he tells me that he's discovered my plot to blow up the Chick fil A.

Lay them on me.

Let me ask you something.

Let me just get that for you.

Let me see. Don't be stingy.

Let's get back to work.

Let's pretend this never happened. I won't say a word about this. Let's just go.

Like robbing the mall, taking jewelry and stuff?

Like what?

Like, share the stuff that's been happening to me because I used to be like you.

Like, someone press stop.

Listen, okay? I've told you...

Listen, you are all under strict orders...

Look at him. That's all the proof I need.

Look at me, I'm Bruce. Look.

Look, the whole reason I came here today...

Look, this is not your fault.

Look, your hair's all messy. I'll talk to you soon.

Look...

Looking at you, Charles.

Low, I hope.

MAN 1: I'm sorry.

MAN: Cadets, ready.

MAN: Good job, Ronnie.

MAN: Hey.

MAN: Hey. Yeah, how's it going? I got a question for you. Okay.

MAN: See my dick.

MAN: This is my motherfucking seed right here.

Mandy.

MARK: How could you not know it was Dennis?

MARK: Mark Peoples, I manage the mall.

MATT: Hey, Ronnie. JOHN: Ronnie, how's it going?

Maybe even walk on water and stuff.

Meanwhile, I'm up all night fighting demons.

Mine.

MOM: Open up, little birdie.

Mom?

More bad news. You're gonna need to find a new employee. I'm taking him downtown.

My bad, my blunder.

My body has become a weapon.

My breath tastes like shit.

My cast is coming off in a month.

My dick is brown, you dumb motherfucker!

My mom always said, "You can polish a turd, but it's still a piece of shit."

My name is Gil Jacobson.

Myself and the other officers, we worked for years on cleaning it up.

NELL: Ronnie, wait.

Nice hat, you stupid motherfucker.

Nice sucker punch today.

No can do. Every citizen is allowed a ride along.

No comment was made as to the identity of the assailant...

No comment.

No offense to you...

No one laughs at me for trying to do, you know, my destiny.

No problem.

No, cut. You fucked up, ma'am. I'm the head of mall security.

No, I don't think I do.

No, it's not a fucking date. Just don't tell anybody.

No, no, no.

Not a big deal.

Not for me so much, you know.

Not me.

Not now...

Nothing can hurt me.

Nothing to do with this. You fit the profile.

Nothing. They did it because they knew it was right.

Noticed any suspicious characters? Looked like they were casing the place?

Noticed anything suspicious going on around here?

Now apologize to me.

Now everyone put your hands in for a unifying cheer.

Nurse, can I get another?

Nurse? Four shots of tequila, okay?

Nurse.

Nurse.

Oh, Brandi.

Oh, Brandi.

Oh, for real? Well, you gonna need to find a new motherfucking head.

Oh, fuck, Dennis.

Oh, God, Brandi.

Oh, God, I'm sorry.

Oh, God, she is, Mom.

Oh, have a seat.

Oh, he had ugly blond.

Oh, hey, you can't come back here.

Oh, I just remembered.

Oh, I thought those would clean the counter, but they don't...

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, I'm tired.

Oh, it will, Ronnie.

Oh, my back. Fuck. Come on.

Oh, my brake broke.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Is that gonna happen?

Oh, my God. It burns so good.

Oh, no reason. Um...

Oh, no, no, no!

Oh, really? A pervert?

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit. I've actually heard of that.

Oh, shit. Yeah, I wasn't touching her in a bad way or anything. Yeah, it was just...

Oh, wow, man.

Oh, wow.

Oh, yeah, we should be good soon, but technically, it's still pending.

Oh, yeah.

Oh.

Oh. Well, are you taking any prescription medications?

Okay, Brandi, I'm gonna lay out a scenario for you.

Okay, how do I steer you towards the oil free foundation?

Okay, I'm just gonna write that down.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Okay, wait, watch this.

Okay, well, I guess it's probably time to:

Okay, well, see you guys. Have fun doing your thing.

Okay, well, thank you.

Okay, you guys, we should...

Okay, you know, on second thought, maybe.

Okay? Forget the police.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. Of course you are.

On three. One, two, three.

One day, he just couldn't take it anymore.

One of you dies, God gave me another one.

One question. What the fuck was that, Mark?

Out steps me...

Perimeter.

Physically, yes.

Please stop, Dennis.

Probably feel weird. I filled out those police application forms last night.

Probably just threw me off a bit.

Probably won't even fill them out.

Psychologically, no!

Put those here.

Put your sorries in a sack and give them to someone who needs them.

Que pasa, Ramon?

Regardless of our differences...

Rico! Get home!

Right now, the world needs a fucking hero.

Right now.

Right. Is there any information you can shed on this situation?

Roger. No problem. Let's go, Brandi.

RONNIE [ON TV]: I would like to deliver a personal message...

Ronnie Barnhardt got called up to the big leagues.

Ronnie Barnhardt, head of security here in the mall.

Ronnie Barnhardt. Who robbed the shoe store?

Ronnie Barnhardt's not here.

Ronnie doesn't even exist.

Ronnie has a very important announcement.

Ronnie is the man who brought the Forest Ridge Mall flasher to justice.

Ronnie, can you please take the dick off your face?

Ronnie, get her to my office so the police can talk to her in private.

Ronnie, I am so proud of you.

Ronnie, I need you to get the fuck out of the car now.

Ronnie, this is beautiful.

Ronnie, what are you doing?

Ronnie, you as right as hell. What was I thinking?

Ronnie, you right.

RONNIE: Come here.

RONNIE: Harrison.

RONNIE: Huh? What? Where are you going?

RONNIE: I know who did it.

RONNIE: It's too tight in the butt. Well, let me see.

RONNIE: Oh, yeah.

RONNIE: Okay, Mom, don't hit on Dennis. Is that okay?

RONNIE: Thank you, Dennis.

Ronnie!

Ronnie?

Ronnie.

Ronnie.

Ronnie. You know, I've gotta get back to work soon...

Sarah, thank you for your help. I appreciate it. Okay?

Say that like you mean it.

See you later, Nell. Thanks for this.

See you later, sweet tits.

Semi auto, five rounds, removable magazine.

She has made a promise to God that she won't have sex before marriage...

She was like, "Oh, no. I didn't wanna moisturize."

She's the most beautiful girl in the whole world.

Shit on me.

Sincerely, your right hand man...

Sit the fuck down. Do you hear me? You sit the fuck down!

So are you new here? I don't remember someone...

So at this point in my life, I just really feel like I could destroy some motherfuckers.

So did you find anything?

So everybody, just be very respectful.

So good job, guys. You fucked up big.

So here's the part where I tell you that payback's a bitch...

So I bought this, like, two and a half weeks ago.

So I just thought I'd tell you, just be careful...

So I thought if you were married, you might have some insight into relationships.

So I thought this was gonna be kind of funny...

So I tried talking to them.

So I'll catch you later. Thank you.

So let's start with your background. Where are you from?

So no, thank you.

So that is very good.

So, Brandi. I'm just dying to know, how much do you love working in this mall?

So, Ronnie, what is it, um, you stopped by for?

Somebody robbed the shoe store. Asking if anybody noticed anything.

Someone better tell me what they wanna eat for dinner.

Someone hanging around the place that you've never seen before...

Someone who might've been complaining excessively about the job?

Something.

Special Elite Task Force.

Stay down, motherfucker.

Stay safe, ma'am.

Take me in, Dennis. Don't look away.

Tall.

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much. I've always wanted that position.

Thank you, man.

Thank you.

Thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for believing in me.

Thank you. That was great.

Thank... Well, how much do I owe you, then?

Thanks, detective.

Thanks, Mom. Thanks for this cake.

That corner? It used to be the worst corner in this whole city.

That is such an incredible journey that you must be going on every day.

That should do it. Thank you for your time, Mr. Barnhardt.

That sounded like the last one.

That was...

That's confirmed. Yes.

That's five to 10 years. Boom!

That's for when you take a bubble bath, you cover your little breasts with bubbles.

That's fucked up.

That's it, you motherfucker!

That's not how this works.

That's not possible, so... Yeah, that's not true.

That's not too crazy though...

That's racist, man.

That's really nice of you. I appreciate it, but...

That's really, really nice of you. That's... I'd love to. It'd be an honor, sir.

That's scary.

That's some crazy shit.

That's something I'll have to live with. But finding out whose penis that is...

That's the big question, now, isn't it?

That's the good shit. I am impressed.

That's the pervert's penis.

That's what the fuck I thought, you little asshole.

The beer is cool and the girls are wet.

The new model 1216 carries 20 rounds of 12 gauge shotgun shells.

The only reason I'm sitting in this chair is because of my leg.

The problem is, I'm a criminal, man, who doesn't care.

The world has no use for another scared man.

The Yuens fucked up bigtime.

Then how could you be so stupid as to let him get away in the raffle car of all things?

Then I had to get ankle surgery, so... I have a protein deficiency.

There are dogs barking, butterflies just flapping their little wings.

There are several steps to be eligible for the academy.

There's just no way they're gonna let you in.

There's my car.

There's no turning back.

They didn't.

They talk about how lazy I am. Well, you know what? I'm not lazy.

They'll be here soon and my mission will be complete.

Think we found something that might cheer you up.

Thirty three inches long.

This girl must be really special.

This girl's gonna be knocked on her socks.

This guy fucking did it.

This is a lot for me to take in. And I'm just... I'm not sure that I'm up for this.

This is a new day.

This is Brandi. She's the one who saw the deviant.

This is gonna get really weird.

This is my case. Not yours. Not his.

This is my lieutenant, Dennis.

This is my lifeline, my legacy.

This is my mall.

This is my way of making it up to you.

This is who I am.

This postcard came for you the other day.

This ring? No, I'm not married.

This sack of shit is mine.

This was a mistake. Don't do it.

Those pills just kind of keep me here but right now, you know...

To eternal life together.

Totally slipped out.

Um, Mark's looking for you.

Use your inside voice, you know?

Very good, sir. I appreciate that. Thank you, sir.

Wait for me.

Wait. Do you want some of my buns?

Wait. It holds 20 rounds? I thought it was 18.

Was he tall, short, black, white, color of hair?

Way to go, Ronnie.

We can all hear.

We can take care... We can handle this. We can... We can figure this out.

We caught the flasher. Yes!

We didn't find anything today because of you!

We didn't find anything.

We don't wanna hurt you, Ronnie.

We made it to the next level, you know? We did it together.

We should probably go get to work.

We were supposed to have dinner tonight.

We'll go get a beer, you know?

We'll meet at the usual.

We'll talk about it, but you gotta get out.

We're best friends, man. Let's just stop this.

We're gonna get through it.

We're not gonna be able to let you join the academy.

Well, actually...

Well, guys, we got Tasers, we got Mace. It's not bad.

Well, I gotta pee first.

Well, I hate to be the one to break this to you, because you seem to love him.

Well, I'll turn this over to the police.

Well, I'm standing here with this doctor.

Well, I'm sure you heard about this...

Well, it's pretty late.

Well, may I speak now?

Well, move over.

Well, thank you, brown eyes.

Well...

What about co workers? Any disgruntled employees?

What are you doing here?

What are you gonna do about it, huh, Ronald?

What are you talking about, Mom?

What are you talking about?

What are you talking about?

What are you talking about?

What are you...? What the fuck are you doing here?

What do you mean? Man, I steal shit.

What do you say?

What has this place ever done for you? Don't you see that people see us as jokes?

What I wanna know is who's gonna protect Brandi.

What is this? Hey, hey, hey.

What the fuck am I doing?

What the fuck?

What the hell are you doing, huh?

What were you talking about?

What were you...? What were you saying to each other?

What you just said is kind of weird...

What?

What? Oh, okay. I thought I heard you.

What? Sorry, someone cut the brakes.

What? This little guy?

What's on the agenda for today?

What's up, Saddamn?

When do we start?

When it's all over and the dust has settled, the whole world gathers below me...

Who robbed the shoe store?

Who's laughing at me? No one laughs at me.

Why are you stopping, motherfucker?

Why did Dad leave?

Why did the doctors take you off?

Why do you ask?

Why do you wanna become a police officer?

Why don't we find out, huh?

Why say that? What gives you that impression?

Why would I blow up Chick fil A? It's fucking delicious.

Why, hello.

WOMAN: Come on.

WOMAN: Okay, I'll call.

WOMAN: Okay, Ronnie. Today I'll be giving you a psychiatric evaluation...

Wow, that was impressive. You... I like to drink fast too, so...

Wow.

Y'all hurt Ronnie.

Yeah, but nothing really worth mentioning.

Yeah, but, well, he's probably gonna get killed.

Yeah, come in.

Yeah, I might as well just take those now.

Yeah, I think you spilt more on it, probably.

Yeah, I'm fine.

Yeah, I'm sure you have.

Yeah, shots. Down the hatch.

Yeah, still, it'd be so much cooler if we were able to carry guns.

Yeah, we all feel a lot better. Thanks a lot, detective.

Yeah, you're probably right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. Again, like I said, not the best person to be giving advice on this, so...

Yeah. Get home, Rico. Do your motherfucking homework.

Yeah. Here, toast it.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, again.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yes. Yes, ma'am, there is.

You are so fucking gorgeous.

You are to report to me and only me...

You can go outside. This is my world.

You can just take it.

You can take the whole thing. Take all of them.

You can take your fucking badge and your gun...

You come outside and we'll talk all about it, all right?

You could maybe tell me what I should wear on a date...

You did good. You scared me. You were scary.

You didn't bring enough pigs to hurt me.

You don't have to walk.

You don't take this boot off, I'm gonna start whupping some ass.

You don't think I look like a phony?

You dropped the P bomb on me, man.

You failed the psychological exam.

You fill in the rest with the answer "yes."

You fucked up my investigation and you wasted my time!

You fucking killed him.

You get in there!

You guys didn't even realize it.

You heard me. That's my son, motherfucker.

You just made me blow my cover.

You just offered to sell me a schedule one narcotic. That's a felony.

You knew.

You know what I should do? I should make you suck this gun like a dick.

You know what?

You know, coffee seems disgusting to me.

You know, I made it...

You know, I passed out on the floor and I didn't worry.

You know, I remember when your father picked me up for our first date...

You know, Mom...

You know, Ronnie, I feel like we got off on the wrong foot.

You know, Ronnie...

You know, that's what I need right now. I'm on this.

You know, when I come to this mall...

You know, when Ronnie was in high school...

You know, you could be a slave.

You look so handsome.

You may not be the smartest person in the world...

You might think that I float, you know.

You might think you're a real cop, but you're not! You know why?

You okay, Ronnie? I expected a little bit more of a reaction.

You okay?

You said you had proof. He's got a restraining order against you?

You say one more thing to Nell, I'm gonna fucking murder you!

You scared the shit out of me, Ronnie.

You scared the shit out of me!

You set me up. You left me out there. That's all there is to it. Admit it.

You should do that again, say it right.

You should get married to this.

You show up again, and you see what the * * * * happens, okay?

You sure about that?

You talk to Mark about lifting that firearms restriction?

You two guys, if you want this, if you wanna experience what this is...

You wanna get hurt?

You want a ride to your car or what, huh?

You want me to come? Should...? Um... Yeah, I'll just wait out here.

You, me, free dinner.

You. I know what you did.

You'd have done the same. Bad enough I had to spend the day with him...

You'll not give that to the police. I don't think you understand.

You're a security guard.

You're gonna learn things in jail.

You're gonna let some fucking hotshot punk come in here and take my fucking case?

You're gonna stop drinking?

You're in my hands.

You're just gonna keep going even though you fucked up my title?

You're just, you're...

You're just... Fuck, you're great. Great.

You're my little baby.

You're my right hand man.

You're putting a boot on my car?

You're right, that's exactly what you're supposed to say.

You're right. You're free to go, kid.

You're the one robbing the mall?

You've shown me I don't need to take things so seriously.

Your actions, they say more than words ever could.

Your dreams of becoming a police officer just aren't gonna happen.

Yuens, you guys are my infantry. You're expendable.

... but we will keep you posted. I use Mace and Tasers. * * * * you.

A piece of icing right there, see? That's some icing right there.

A ride along? That's right.

Ain't that some crazy shit? That's crazy, man.

All right, good, good. Thank you, Sarah. One second, chief.

All right, he's okay. Shit. Really?

All right. Shots.

All right. MAN 2: Well...

Am I gonna die? No, no.

And a background check. Boom.

And so I tried. No, you're right.

Anything like that? No.

Are you okay? Yeah.

Big time. All right, who did it, Ronnie?

Born and raised right here, actually. Oh, local boy, okay.

Brandi... Mm hm?

Can I lead you, please? Lead me.

Can I tell you something? Yeah, anything. Anything.

Can't do that. Let's go.

Check it out. I have sensual salts available also.

Come on in, take a seat. Okay.

Come on, let's go. You're fucking my case up, Harrison.

Cream and sugar, right? That's right.

Damn! Okay.

Dennis. Yes, Ronnie?

Did I fail one of the tests? Actually, you did.

Did you get a look at the guy? Yes.

Do you know what those are? No.

Do you think we're gonna be safe? Yeah, Bruce, I think you'll be just fine.

Do you want me to show you the way? Show me the path.

Don't be scared. I'm not.

Don't take it serious. We got a fucking meaningless existence.

Don't. You don't.

Fuck you, Ronnie. Fuck you, Saddam Hussein of Iraq.

Fuck you, Ronnie. Fuck you.

Fuck you, Ronnie. Fuck you.

Fuck you. Fuck you.

Fuck you. Fuck you.

Fuck you. Fuck you.

Fuck you. Fuck you.

Fuck you. Fuck you.

Fuck you. Fuck you.

Fuck you. Okay.

Fuck! Where you running, girl?

Fuck. How hard is that?

Get in there! ROGER: No, no!

Get your hands off him. What?

Go ahead. Action. Well, Officer Barnhardt...

Go get them. Okay.

Guys, I need you to step it up. Okay.

Ha! What? Now what?

He was white. Okay.

He's gonna murder you. HARRISON: No.

Hello, Detective Harrison. Whoa!

Here you go. Perfect.

Hey, Ronnie? Yeah?

Hey, you want a cup of coffee? No.

How could you, man? Oh.

How you doing? I'm great.

I appreciate it. People make mistakes. No.

I couldn't be... Oh, God. I am so fucking shit faced.

I didn't. Yeah.

I don't know what to say, Ronnie. No, shh. Don't say anything.

I don't know, man. You right, man.

I don't wanna talk about it. No problem, Ronnie.

I don't. No, no. Huh? Huh? Huh?

I forgot. That's okay.

I guess that'll have to do for now, huh? Maybe.

I love you too, man. I love you.

I need you to wait out in the hallway. I don't know who did it.

I passed that. I passed the shit out of it. Really?

I think so too. Oh, God, I'm so happy for...

I thought this dinner was gonna suck. Me too. Why?

I thought you said you were my partner. I know, but l...

I was like, "No!" Oh, moisturizer.

I will not let you go! Fuck you!

I won't. Okay.

I won't. You too!

I'll go, I'll go. Come on, let's go. Let's go.

I'm gonna do better. I'm sorry. Oh, two sorries, l...

I'm gonna put you in my pocket. Guide me.

I'm just saying. You're just saying what?

I'm not going to. This is gonna be funny. HARRISON: I know.

Incredible. MOM: It's a gun.

Is it $ 1.60...? You don't have to pay for it.

Is this the recruitment office? It sure is.

It's a pill I'm supposed to take. Oh, my God, where did you get these?

It's gonna happen. No, it's not.

It's just that I usually... Stop... Shh, shh, shh.

It's kind of a cool outfit, I guess, right? Way cool.

It's my pleasure, man. That was awesome.

Just don't do it. Look at little bitch.

Let's go get a beer. Yes.

Let's go. You should arrest this clown.

Let's just hope he doesn't show up again. Oh, he's coming back.

Like for the pervert. How do I know you're not the pervert?

Like pretty blond or? Sandy, ugly blond.

Look in your heart. Pop a cap in his ass, right now.

Mandy. Fuck.

Morning, Nell. Hey, Ronnie.

Move. Ah!

No comment was made... You're * * * * * * * dead!

No more than usual. Yeah. No, I hear that.

No. It's same as always. Different roast?

Oh, God, don't. You gonna start crying?

Oh, God, I hate that shit. Me too. I fucking hate it.

Oh, motherfucker. Ah!

Oh, my God. I can't stop. I'm just joking.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Okay, okay. Awesome.

Okay. Cool.

Okay. Ronnie Barnhardt.

Okay. We're sorry. I'm sorry.

Physical evaluation. Done.

Psychological tests. Easy.

Really? Come on, please?

Rico just tried to sell you some drugs? Yeah.

Right in front of my face? In front of your fucking face.

See, I got him on my motherfucking chest. I see that.

She'd go headfirst in the fryer... NELL: Hey.

Si. HARRISON: What?

So you're a virgin? Technically, I'm a born again virgin.

Someone get a paramedic. Hurry up. MAN: Hurry.

Sorry about that. Save your sorries for someone sad.

Sorry. Always.

Sorry. I'm sorry.

Take out your fucking Taser, Charles. CHARLES: Ronnie, I'm not gonna Taser...

Take out your Taser. You have no right.

Tell me again. Tell me again. Yeah.

Thank you. Lf you're interested...

That is... Sometimes it don't mean shit. Who cares though, right?

That's awesome, Ronnie. Ronnie, I'm so proud of you.

The AS50 just came out. No way.

Think outside the box. I'm so sorry, Roger.

This is nice. Yeah. I don't usually do this kind of thing...

To Ronnie. Thanks.

Touch it, slut. Jesus!

Use my strength. What?

Wait, this is on you, right? Oh, yeah, I got it all.

Wanna see what I do? I'd love nothing more...

Waste him, Tone. Motherfucker, don't tell me what to do.

Watch... Jeez. Ow!

We need to call an ambulance. No.

We've got your back. MARK: All right.

Well, what'd he say? I don't know. I don't speak Spanish.

What are you gonna do? I'm gonna thank you.

What are you talking about, Ronnie? Deep cover, Mark.

What do you want, Ronnie? I want you to face the fucking music.

What the fuck is that? It's nothing. What? It's nothing.

What's up, brother? Hey, Ronnie.

Who cares? That's what I'm saying. Who cares? Oh, man.

Who the fuck robbed this shoe store? HARRISON: That's okay.

Who's Roger? The manager.

Would you please just try and calm down? RONNIE: Louder. More authoritative.

Yeah, it really does, but I can't. All right, well, suit yourself, Ronnie.

Yeah, sure, I'll have a cup of coffee. Roger's so mean to me.

Yeah, write it on down. Okay.

Yeah. And that was me, so...

Yeah. I felt like shit this morning, and now...

Yeah. And bought... WOMAN: Good afternoon, Forest Ridge Mall.

You applying to be a police officer? Did I say that out loud? Yeah.

You can't catch me. You can't catch me. I'm gonna catch you.

You do, do you? Yeah.

You gonna die. HARRISON: No.

You got problems. No...

You got your cast off. Yeah.

You like making fun of people? I don't.

You like making fun of people? No!

You okay, Dennis? Look, look here.

You ready? I'm ready. I'll get to it.

You really think I did good? Hell, yes.

You want me to make you a new one? No, no, it's okay.

You will. You will.

You're a real good friend, saying that. We're friends, so that's just how...

You're just drunk, Mom. No, no.

You're not a cook. I'm a cook.

You're under citizen's arrest. No, let go!

You're welcome. Okay.

... a place of purity.

... and history will remember my name.

... and it's my duty to face that danger and stare it in its godless eyes.

... and justice.

... and my path is a righteous one.

... and the destroyer.

... for the way shit like went down and stuff.

... I hope you know that I always respected you.

... love, Dennis Chavante.

... to do some personal shopping.

... to this perverted individual.

...and cut somebody sometime.

...and dreams make you special.

...and end up marrying him.

...and find me and clean me up.

...and he just couldn't handle the pressure.

...and I don't really think you're the best person to be giving me advice on this...

...and I need to ask you a few questions, okay?

...and I think I gotta say congratulations.

...and I tried it out for a few days and I just decided it wasn't for me...

...and it's made of cancer...

...and over the horizon comes a black cloud...

...and pay for it...

...and pulling at their hair, and saying, "Help! What do we do?"

...and pus.

...and see your face when you found out.

...and the darkness. Mm hm.

...and the lives of others in jeopardy."

...and the only thing really left to say after that is "boom."

...and then to fuck your enemy, go to Brandi!

...and they say, "Thank you, Ronnie, thank you for helping...

...and you can shove them up your butt...

...and you're... More importantly...

...and, I think, the answer to the whole case.

...are you willing to accept...

...as to exactly what it takes to become a police officer like yourself.

...because he works for me, you stupid motherfucker.

...because I don't need that shit to know who the fuck I am.

...because I guess I'm fucking dumb.

...because I'm technically employed by O'Landers.

...being a great man and doing this for us."

...between the light...

...but I'm gonna have...

...but it's actually kind of sad, so I'll catch you later, Harrison.

...but most importantly, you do not say a word about this to the police.

...but not you, Ronnie.

...but that's a promise I intend on making her break.

...but try to look on the bright side.

...but we had a pervert sexually assault several women in the mall parking lot.

...but you get used to it.

...but you know what? Never mind.

...but you're...

...but...

...for the doctor bills and insurance and stuff.

...from the security camera.

...handsome from certain angles...

...he kind of freaked out when you were born.

...he'd say that if Mark wants him to leave this fucking mall...

...I can give you the forms to take home so you can get that background check started.

...I drink out of a volcano.

...I got a confession to make.

...I got kind of a hot date tonight with Brandi over at the makeup counter.

...I heard what happened.

...I let Dennis get away.

...I pay for my coffee...

...I rob the shit out that motherfucker.

...I swear, he was the most handsome man I'd ever laid eyes on.

...I used to fuck all his friends.

...I wanted to be the one to give you the news...

...I was the only thing...

...I'm a motherfucking outlaw.

...I'm gonna need to see more than I'm seeing.

...I'm here to tell you that we're gonna work together...

...I'm here to tell you that, sometimes...

...I'm ready to make a change.

...if you're gonna sit up here, you gotta keep this counter clean.

...in the whole world than a cup of your coffee.

...is I'm gonna go talk to the other ladies who saw the guy...

...is my last shot at redemption.

...is the best thing that ever happened to me.

...it will be over Ronnie's dead fucking body.

...just like a regular customer.

...like the eight stick like objects that are behind this counter."

...most nights.

...not ever. I just...

...not quite the detective he makes himself out to be.

...not the fucking police.

...now he's at my fucking job?

...or psychosis or anything like that?

...out of my own pocket, and I've just been kind of waiting out here.

...part of me thinks that this disgusting pervert...

...so I decided to come back here.

...so you should know that I know that you did that shit.

...so you should probably just get going, man. This is gonna get...

...so, yeah.

...than to see what you think you do. I'll show you.

...that there's no more free coffee.

...the other night when I soiled my pants...

...there's not one human being that deserves this coffee as much as myself.

...they let a damn pervert come and show his fucking cock to around 15 people.

...this has just been a magical evening.

...throws at you, uh, they...

...to determine if you're competent to enter into the police academy.

...to do everything in your power to bring down this pervert.

...to interview the people who might've actually done the crime!

...to make sure we catch the guy that did this.

...to protect weaker people such as yourself who are crippled in the leg and whatnot.

...to refuse your coffee.

...to their children when they're sad.

...unfortunately, no, this picture of a penis does not cheer me up.

...was to come buy a cup of coffee...

...watching your comings and your goings and whatnot.

...what I have to teach?

...what we call casing the place? No? Not really.

...where today, a man exposed himself to several women before fleeing the scene.

...who plans on coming back and finishing what he started, by murdering Brandi.

...wielding the biggest fucking shotgun you've ever seen in your life.

...with a leg working here. Yeah. I just started last week.

...you can try to steal my shine, it's only fair I get to do the same to you, man.

...you know, I was expecting for you to come home...

...you've got dreams inside of you...

"I can't reach that far because of my thing.

"Mr. Barnhardt shows warning signs of delusion.

"You don't need to thank me. I'm just a guy with a gun.

[AMANDA BLANK & AARON LACRATE'S "SUPER FREEK" PLAYING O VER STEREO]

[BEEPS]

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

[BRANDI SOBBING]

[CAR ALARM CHIRPING]

[CAR HORN HONKING]

[COUGHS AND CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]

[DOOR OPENS]

[DOOR SLAMS]

[ENGINE STARTS]

[ENGINE STARTS]

[ENGLISH SDH]

[FLASHER GASPING]

[GLASS SHATTERS]

[GRO ANING]

[GRUNTING]

[GRUNTING]

[GRUNTS]

[GUNSHOTS IN DISTANCE]

[HARD ROCK MUSIC PLAYING O VER STEREO]

[HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING O VER STEREO]

[HORN HONKING]

[IMITATES AUTOMATIC GUNFIRE]

[IMITATES GUNSHOTS]

[IMITATING GUNSHOTS]

[KNOCKING]

[KNOCKING]

[KNOCKING]

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS]

[LITTLE RIVER BAND'S "HELP IS ON ITS WAY" PLAYING O VER STEREO]

[MOM LAUGHING]

[MOM LAUGHS]

[MOUTHS] Fuck you.

[MOUTHS] Fuck you.

[MUMBLES]

[MUSIC STOPS]

[OFFICERS CHUCKLING]

[PHONE RINGING]

[REGGAE MUSIC PLAYING ON CAR STEREO]

[ROGER & WOMAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

[ROGER LAUGHING]

[SCREAMS]

[SIGHS]

[SIREN WAILS]

[SIRENS WAILING]

[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING O VER SPEAKERS]

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

[SQUEAKING STOPS]

[THUDDING]

[WHEELS SQUEAKING]

[WHEELS SQUEAKING]

[WHISTLING]

[WOMAN GRUNTS]

[WOMAN LAUGHING]

[WOMAN SCREAMS]

[WOMEN SCREAM]

[WOMEN SCREAMING]

[WOMEN SCREAMING]

[YELLING INDISTINCTLY]