Big Fat Liar Edit

A 1,000 word story in three hours?

A lot.

A: You're all the best in your given fields.

Activate water.

Actually, I think I liked it better the first time I saw it,

Actually, my neck does feel pretty stiff.

Actually, Sir,

Adiós, sugarpuff.

Airport shuttles are located outside the baggage claiming area.

All right, colored dye.

All right, fine! Fine!

All right, listen, Masher,

All right, then. I'm getting too old for this babysitting anyway.

All right. God bless you, Jared.

All right. Thanks. Got it.

All you have to do is make one phone call to my dad.

AND B: You all despise this man.

And bigger,

And faxes it to every casting director in town.

And finally be taken seriously as an actor.

And forget this ever happened. Clear?

And God bless Big Fat Liar!

And his wife, the very lovely Shaniqua.

And I scheduled a deep body massage for you at 3:00.

And I think it's time I told you the truth.

And I wrote The Nutty Professor. I've heard it all before.

And I'll tell your dad you wrote Big Fat Liar,

And I'm about to shoot the greatest movie of my career.

And I've got orange...

And it always will be. Now you keep practicing those lies, Jiminy.

And just as Alyssa Milano put a spell on her cute demon boyfriend,

And remember to make your voice sound like a girl's.

And says, "Enough is enough!"

And they never will.

And when you get back, you'll see I've been trying really hard to earn it.

And with every ounce of gas I had left in my body,

And you better bring backup.

And you're so muscular.

And your career is over. You hear me?

And your motivation is a nice, fat paycheck that keeps you from working at McDonald's!

Another angry writer refusing to leave. Wolf out.

Anyhoo, tell Mr. Wolf that Duncan lives at

Are you crazy? You're totally going to get busted.

Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding me? I spent half the night with a scrub brush and a can of turpentine.

Are you kidding me? My movie starts shooting in an hour!

Are you serious?

Are you trying to fumigate me?

As soon as Wolf admits he stole my story.

Astrid, what kind of sick world is this

Back off, man! No way!

Back to the set, Sir?

Bad.

Because I have his life in the palm of my hand.

Because if I go down, you're riding shotgun, Tootsie Roll. Now make something up.

Because it sure wasn't Duncan's house!

Because it's true.

Because now the twist is,

Because our picture looks the audience right in the eye,

Because the truth is overrated, right?

BECAUSE YOU CAN TAKE IT FROM ME: The truth, it's overrated.

Bet you wish you still had your skateboard.

BFL, "Biffle," as it has come to be known,

Big Fat Liar is already being touted as next summer's must see movie event.

Birds descending from the heavens,

Blue team, I need your help in the distract and delay tactics.

Booyah!

BOY: Incoming!

BOY: You're not even funny, clown!

Brando to Base. The sheep has located the Shepherds and we're coming home.

Bret must be in a living hell right now.

Bret,

BRET: Kaylee, have you got a plunger?

Bring it! I'm Marty Wolf! Do you have any idea who I am?

But didn't we just find out Wolf isn't going to admit that?

But do I get an adventure? No.

But I could use a little help, Marty.

But I have your skateboard.

But I should get to school.

But I've got to go home and help take care of my dad.

But if anything, and I mean anything, goes wrong,

But the great ones, well, they just come to you.

But the question is, where is Marty Wolf?

But when he discovers the ultimate truth,

But you have to help get me to the community college

But, as much as I wanted to write my paper,

But, bye bye, Little Boy Blue! I am back!

By Mr. Jedediah Wilkinson.

By the by,

Bye. Daddy. Bye bye.

Call forwarding, got to love it.

Call me. Bye bye.

Call my dad and tell him you stole the story from me.

Call my dad.

Call your dad? Why?

Can grow bigger

Can I give a shout out?

Can I help you?

Can I take a moment to say how totally awesome this is?

Can we cut? Can we...

Can you open the door? It's kind of toasty in here.

Can you say boring?

Cancel the meeting. Get a makeup chick to meet me at the office. It's an emergency.

CAROL: See you on Sunday. Have fun.

Check.

Check.

Ciao.

Come get him.

Come on, big fella.

Come on, four eyes!

Come on, Jason. You must have made at least one friend.

Come on, Jason. You're smarter than that.

Come on, now. We all have our off days.

Come on, Wolf Man.

Come on!

Come on!

Come on! Let's make some magic.

Come on.

Come on. Follow me.

Come on. You must have a Phase Four up your sleeve.

Coming through!

Complete physical and psycho emotional breakdown, people!

Confucius say, "Easy does it," skippy.

Confucius say, "Kastang!"

Congratulations. It was incredible.

Cool.

Copy that.

Could you unlock it?

Dad,

Daddy.

Did you check your jacket pocket?

Did you eat your oatmeal?

Did you just say "Marty Wolf"?

Do I look like a moron?

Do it. No!

Do you copy that, Mr. Funnybones?

Do you have an appointment?

Do you hear what I am saying to you?

Do you read me?

Do you think your plan might include food and a place to sleep?

Does that mean we're going home?

Does this mean that you will approve the budget?

Don't do it, Jason.

Don't even think of downloading something from the Net, Jason.

Don't get all high and mighty on me.

Don't I know you? Yeah, you do.

Don't let him get away!

Don't speak, just listen. You've got to get me in there with Duncan!

Don't touch that. Don't touch.

Don't touch, dude! Do not touch!

Don't worry, Wolf, I'm a professional.

Don't.

Draw a line of chalk around me, baby, because I am dead!

Dude, no offense, but you have made some stinkers in the last few years.

Dusty! El director! First up's the big stunt.

Earl! You left...

Eat my bloomers, blue boy!

Erin Brockovich and Saving Private Ryan, too.

Ever infinity tell the truth.

Everyone has a dry spell, Ebert.

Everything okay here?

Excuse me, where is Stage two?

Excuse me. How's it going?

Excuse me...

F Man to J Dog. The Baton has been passed.

Fabulous!

Fair enough.

Famous Hollywood producer.

Feets, don't fail me now.

Fifty. I gotta get ripped, baby!

Finds it's way across his visage.

Fine, Monty. Fine.

Fine. Wolf out.

First lesson in Hollywood, sweetheart: Always get it in writing!

First of all, I'm 14. Second of all, I created the story.

Folks, this is the backlot, where many of our hit movies are made.

Follow my lead.

For a big movie, you need a big stunt.

For a big stunt, you need serious media coverage.

Forget it, Kaylee.

Forget it. Give me his address. I'll figure something out.

Frank Jackson. I was your driver last year till you fired me.

Frank? Mr. Stroog. Meet us at the studio gate in 20.

Freak!

From the looks of you, I'm sure you don't have a social life.

Fur coat King of the Midwest, my butt!

Gang, let's roll up our sleeves and get to work.

Geek boy, ignore Father Time over here and get working.

Get glasses, grandma!

Get his address, then. We don't want to be late, do we?

Get in the car.

Get me out of here. How?

Get moving. I don't want to be late.

Get off of me!

Give me a few minutes alone here with Mr. Shepherd.

Give me back my monkey.

Give me the skateboard.

Give us one reason why should we believe you.

Glad to hear it, pal.

Go, go, go!

Go!

God bless all of you! God bless America!

Gold team, you are responsible for mental warfare.

Good for you. Give me a hug.

Good morning, Frank. Let's get moving.

Good move, Smoky!

Good night, Dad. Good night.

Good night.

Good. Let's go get you two guys packed up.

Got it!

Got the alarm codes?

Granddad's been doing this a long, long time.

Grandma Pearl.

Great to see you. I think they loved it! Don't you?

Great. So we're stealing now?

Grow up! This is Hollywood, baby. It's a dog eat dog town.

Hang on, Funnybones! Daddy's coming!

Hang on. I'm coming! Don't die!

Harry Shepherd's office. One moment, please.

HARRY: Hello? Dad, it's Jason.

HARRY: Hey, Jas, you awake?

HARRY: How could you lie to us, Jas?

HARRY: Look out for your brother, Janie.

HARRY: Making up stories is your God given talent.

HARRY: Not that again, Jason.

Have a nice day!

Have a nice weekend.

He can't lie about his feelings anymore.

He could have just said no. Instead, he takes my headshot,

He just sits there with his head slumped over.

He seemed like a really nice guy.

He stole my story and he's making it into...

He treats people like dirt and no one stands up to him!

He'll be eating sugar cubes out of my hand when I'm finished with him.

He'll do it.

He'll have to repeat the course in summer school.

He's 14.

He's all yours, Lester.

He's not literally a catcher eating rye bread.

He's not the V.P. anymore.

He's the president.

Heads up, clown!

Hear that?

Hello, Ms. Caldwell.

Hello, Sir.

Hello, this is Marty Wolf.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello.

Hello. Hi, Jas.

Help me out! What can I do?

Help me out. No.

Help me out. No.

Help me out. Okay.

Help me.

Here we are again, this time at

Here we are.

Here you go, Trooper.

Here's my dad's number.

Here's my dad's phone number.

Hey, Dad.

Hey, kids. I'm Wolfie the Clown.

Hey, Marty. Is everything okay?

Hey, Marty. You get some rest for the big day?

Hey, Rocco.

Hey, Wolf.

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey.

Hey.

Hi, Astrid. Adam Sandier called to set up a lunch.

Hi, everybody. I'm Pat O'Brien and welcome to Tinseltown.

Hi.

Hi. I'm Mr. Stroog.

His curly locks turn the color of a flaming brushfire.

His number is 555 0147.

Hiya!

Hold on! Help is on the way.

Hop in.

Hot smoke. Very hot smoke.

How about write the paper?

How many more, Kaylee?

How was I supposed to know?

How you living?

How?

How's it hanging, Shepherd?

I already sat through Platoon!

I am going to get you, Shepherd!

I am not going to say that. Come on.

I am right there with you.

I am so sorry.

I am. Jocelyn Davis, Senior V.P. of Publicity.

I ask you,

I asked him if I could audition for one of his movies.

I assume everyone completed their creative writing assignments.

I borrowed the chopper from the shoot. You're in good hands.

I came for the adventure, remember?

I can barely afford one camera, let alone 12. And no birds.

I can help you.

I can't believe we're just going to give up.

I can't forget it! It makes me sick

I can't go home until my dad knows the truth.

I can't have my parents thinking I'm a liar.

I can't.

I did it last night.

I didn't know he moved. That was quick.

I didn't tell him that.

I don't care how, Monty! Just do it!

I don't have time to work on the script! That's your job.

I don't know what you think, but all of a sudden, it's like Bam! Bad movie!

I don't know, Jas.

I don't know, like I wasn't his kid anymore.

I don't know.

I don't need a computer to do my job.

I don't think so, Wolf.

I don't think you understand. I'm blue.

I flew 49 combat missions in Vietnam.

I got big feet.

I got some R rated dialogue for you, but I'll keep it PG.

I had a feeling you were an excellent bully, and I was right.

I had the biggest panic attack that I forgot to give you Duncan's new address.

I have no idea what my motivation is.

I have no idea!

I have Wolf's alarm codes, credit card numbers, his schedule.

I haven't been totally honest about what I've been up to the last couple days.

I haven't...

I hope it supports us both.

I just called because you looked pretty upset when we left.

I just don't trust you right now, Jas.

I just got one thing to say.

I know you don't have a dog.

I like to call "Mr. Semicolon."

I mean I really, really wanted to write my paper, I couldn't.

I mean, when you did Saved by the Bell? Quality. Okay? Substance.

I missed those meetings because I had an incredible breakthrough on BFL,

I must tell you, this is quite a surprise.

I need a ride.

I need backup!

I need to see you in here.

I needed to be by my father's side. After all, he's the only dad I got.

I recently talked to Marty Wolf,

I refer back to it whenever I get in a bind on the script.

I said, "Back off, Grim Reaper."

I saw my sweet, sweet Jason standing over me.

I see.

I seem to be making matters worse.

I sent flowers to Meg Ryan because she sounded like she had a little cold.

I shouldn't even be in that stupid summer school.

I spent all last night in the Greenbury General emergency room.

I started to see the white light.

I stole Jason Shepherd's paper and turned it into Big Fat Liar!

I suppose so.

I swear. I was riding Janie's old bike and some limo hit me.

I think I know where we can find our troops.

I think I will.

I think I'll take the brain.

I think that sad excuse for a movie just lost the studio $30 million.

I think they read you.

I think we just hit a kid.

I told you, Wolf. The only way to shoot this scene

I told you. I know a shortcut.

I took a dookie and I clogged up the toilet! Oh, boy! Oh, no!

I totally get what you said about the whole trust thing.

I tried to get out of it, but I got busted.

I tried to play fair, Wolf, but you asked for it!

I tried to write it in the waiting room, but it was too hard.

I used to drive him. He fired me last year.

I want him to scream for his mommy.

I want that essay handwritten.

I want to blow them away at the start! Hit me, kiddo.

I want to do right. Don't.

I want to see a broken man.

I want you to turn him into mincemeat! And I don't even know what mincemeat is!

I wanted to earn your trust back, Dad.

I wanted to wait until we were in front of the entire industry

I was just about to cross over to the other side

I was just creating a cross draft.

I was on the phone, but it ain't with your old man.

I wish I were. Call my dad if you want.

I won't rest until Wolf admits he stole it and my parents know it.

I would love to hang out and chat with you, Ms. C,

I'd love to stay and be physically and emotionally abused by you guys,

I'd love to take a message. You got it.

I'll be up all night rewriting Wolf's script anyway, so it's no problem.

I'll do it. Do what you got to do!

I'll fix it.

I'll just reschedule the meeting, Marty!

I'll make a call, all right.

I'll make sure the shoot is well covered.

I'll smooth things over with him at the premiere.

I'm 14, Wolf.

I'm 24 hours away from the most important shoot of my career!

I'm a very powerful Hollywood producer!

I'm actually 14.

I'm an actor. See?

I'm at the beach!

I'm benching like 220, 230.

I'm coming, Funnybones!

I'm doing an experiment for science class,

I'm doing good. Staying out of trouble.

I'm Frank.

I'm getting nothing from the chicken.

I'm getting out!

I'm in town shooting my new picture.

I'm looking at him as we speak.

I'm Marty Wolf!

I'm not going to lie to the new President of the studio, Marty.

I'm not going to make it. Tell him it's your fault and reschedule.

I'm not leaving until you make that call!

I'm not lying. Stall Duncan another second, okay? I'm coming.

I'm not trying to be negative,

I'm not your sister, I'm not your girlfriend and I'm not your priest.

I'm off tomorrow. I'm taking a personal day.

I'm on the lot, Monty! I'll be there in a minute!

I'm on the phone.

I'm pulling the plug on Big Fat Liar. What?

I'm serious. That guy stole my paper.

I'm so psyched you're there, cookie. I was watching Charmed last night,

I'm sorry, Ms. Caldwell. I should stop talking now.

I'm sorry, Sir.

I'm sorry. I can explain.

I'm sorry. The emotions in this movie are just so painful.

I'm sorry. We came here to get even with this guy, Marty Wolf.

I'm standing here in my kitchen with Jason Shepherd.

I'm sure there must be some explanation.

I'm sure we can come to some arrangement.

I'm taking a shortcut.

I'm taking my granddaughter to a birthday party.

I'm talking broken like, "I threw a baseball through your window."

I'm talking TV, print, that Internet crap. Everything.

I'm teaching English as a second language at the community college until 6:00.

I'm temping for his second assistant.

I'm the best, baby! I'm the best!

I'm using code names. Wolf didn't throw in the towel. We're moving to Phase Three.

I'm working on it. I'm headed across the lot now to do some research.

I'm writing and producing a major motion picture.

I'm...

I've been pushed around by Wolf for too long.

I've brought you all here tonight for two reasons.

I've got a gun.

If any of my teammates see me, you're dead.

If he doesn't approve the new budget we can't start shooting tomorrow.

If he wants to talk to the Wolf Man.

If I could have your attention for just a moment, please.

If it makes you feel better, my parents are taking an adventure.

If it'll make you happy, I'll check my jacket pocket.

If we could... I don't want to hear it, okay?

If you can get me the paper by then, I'll consider counting it.

If you saw how he looked at me. It was like...

If you want to mess with Wolf, I got your back.

In 1942, you dinosaur!

In a day, I'll figure out how to use this info against him.

In general, that's true. But this time I'm telling the truth. I wrote that paper.

In the 90210. We're talking mondo bucks.

In two minutes or I fail eighth grade.

Is from 12 different camera angles, with birds flying around.

Is full of action, romance, effects,

Is going to tell me how to fix my entire movie?

Is there a problem?

It looks like all of Hollywood has turned out for this one.

It means I'm leaving Wolf in the middle of the desert. Urkel is out.

It should be no problem, making up stories is your God given talent.

It shouldn't be much of a problem, since that headset is superglued to your ear.

It was a pleasure doing business with you.

It was awful. He started choking. His face turned purple.

It was my idea!

It'd take an army to get Wolf to admit the truth!

It'll just be me and Janie from Thursday till Sunday.

It's a family business. I've been selling pelts since I was a baby.

It's a great piece of work, kid. And I'm not just blowing smoke.

It's all right, don't be ashamed. I am right there with you.

It's all you! I ain't helping! Last one! Yeah!

It's crackin', kid.

It's in there.

It's Jason.

It's Jason.

It's just Kaylee, Grandma.

It's just like you wanted, Wolf!

It's just the tire. You'll pay for this!

It's Monty. I'm glad I caught you. Duncan moved.

It's more of a metaphor for a state of adolescent angst.

It's not overrated.

It's over, Wolf.

It's payback time.

It's right down the road! You're lucky I don't Sue you for whiplash!

It's Shandra.

It's showtime, Mr. Funnybones.

It's showtime.

It's showtime. It's showtime.

It's the truth and you're the only one he'll believe.

It's this thing with ball bearings and bells.

It's your call.

J Dog calling K Bird.

JALEEL: Yeah, baby!

JANIE: We will.

JANIE: We'll miss you guys.

Jas, is that you?

Jas?

Jas?

Jas? A little help here.

Jason Shepherd of Greenbury, Michigan,

Jason Shepherd.

Jason Shepherd. Did you just come in from that window?

Jason Shepherd. Remember me? I wrote Big Fat Liar.

Jason Shepherd. The young man from Greenbury, Michigan.

Jason, you awake?

JASON: All right, Kaylee. We'll need clothes and supplies. Let's hunker down

JASON: Get off me!

JASON: Guys?

JASON: I'm telling you!

JASON: It'll work.

JASON: Let's check out that warehouse.

JASON: Roger that, F Man. Well done.

JASON: Today we learned we're officially dealing with the meanest man alive!

JASON: Today, it's know the enemy.

Jason! Just who I was looking for.

Jason?

Jason?

Jason.

Jeez!

Just called to see how you were doing.

Just get me to the set.

Just hear me out!

Just stay. Keep breathing. Think of a happy place.

Just stick to the plan...

K Bird, the Baton has been passed.

Kaylee, pack your bags. We're going on a trip.

KAYLEE: Astrid Barker, please.

KAYLEE: I can't just go to Los Angeles.

KAYLEE: Look at all this stuff.

KAYLEE: This won't work. She's not that blind and senile.

KAYLEE: Whoa!

Kaylee?

Keep a lookout. I'm sure this thing will be over in just a few minutes.

Kenny Trooper,

Kid, I swear to you,

Kid, you have no idea who you are dealing with.

Ladies and gentlemen, friends,

Late.

Later. I'm going over to Rudy's.

Lester is going to design the stunt on his iBook.

Let go of the monkey.

Let's begin. Assignments.

Let's dance, Funnybones!

Let's get a tail wind behind this bird, old timer!

Let's get some sleep. Tomorrow we launch Phase Two.

Let's give someone else a chance.

Let's go.

Let's go. You, too, Punky Brewster.

Let's hurt him!

Let's punch a hole in the sky, grandpa! Go! Go! Go!

Let's see. Fully developed brain,

Like winged messengers from above, beckoning.

Like, never, ever, ever, ever,

Listen and learn, short stack. Here's where you went wrong.

Listen, Whitaker,

Look out!

Look out!

Look, this will be an emotional reunion for all of us,

Looks like we found our temporary home.

Loved it!

Make him admit he stole my story.

Make that phone call, and you'll never hear from me again.

MALE ANNOUNCER: In a time

MAN 2: Guilty. You?

MAN ON PA: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen.

MAN: Don't look in his eyes.

MAN: I have. Anybody else? You?

MAN: You suck, Marty.

Man. If you only knew the kind of day I've had.

Marty Wolf Pictures presents.

Marty Wolf Pictures.

Marty Wolf Pictures.

Marty Wolf Pictures.

Marty Wolf Pictures. Can I take a message?

Marty Wolf Pictures. One moment, please.

Marty Wolf Pictures. Please hold.

Marty Wolf Pictures. This is Monty.

Marty Wolf.

Marty, I like your new coloring. It works for you.

MARTY: Funny.

MARTY: Hungry!

MARTY: Monty, it's me.

MARTY: We begin production in two days.

MARTY: We're not just looking for my personal organizer, Monty.

MARTY: What are you doing?

MARTY: You're going to fishtail!

Marty.

May I? Sure.

MegaGlue.

Mmm hmm.

Mmm mmm.

Monty, hold my calls.

Monty, it's me.

MONTY: Hello? Where the hell did you send me?

MONTY: I understand that!

Monty!

Monty! Charisma from Marcus Duncan's office.

Monty! Talk to me about the budget!

Move it!

Mr. Earpiece, meet Miss MegaGlue.

Mr. Wolf doesn't have children.

Mr. Wolf doesn't see anyone without an appointment.

Mr. Wolf is about to go into a meeting.

Mr. Wolf, please, I would very much appreciate it if you didn't yell at me, okay?

Ms. Caldwell?

Ms. Caldwell. Can I call you Phyllis?

Much easier to swallow, if you G.M.D., which means, "Get my drift."

My big adventure is staying at my Grandma Pearl's with her toe fungus.

My car is parked on a dog?

My dad's favorite. He was so excited, he accidentally swallowed one whole.

My folks are taking a long weekend at some health spa for their anniversary.

My grandma will notice if I don't even show up at all!

My mistake.

My name is Jaleel White, okay?

My throat is still very sore. Thank you.

Nah.

Never. Yes.

Next summer, people everywhere

Next!

Nice board, Shepherd.

Nice car!

Nice wheels, Shepherd!

No, but I wish I was.

No, dude.

No, I mean I'm literally...

No, I think we'd all like to hear yours.

No, it's just if you remember that one time...

No, just go with me for a second.

No, Mr. Wolf, don't come up here. We have a situation.

No, no, everything is fine. Except...

No, no. I'm the best.

No, she stepped away.

No, you cannot cancel the meeting.

No, you don't.

No, you looked a little flushed.

No, you watch yourself, pal!

No!

No! Mr. Wolf, please! Drive.

No! Mr. Wolf, please. Mr. Wolf, no.

No.

No. Dad choked on a meatball.

No. He wrote a little English paper

No. Understood.

No...

None!

None.

Not bad.

Not like this!

Not that he knows of.

Now back to those creative essays. You, Trevor. Go.

Now get out! I got a movie to produce!

Now stop wasting time and get to work!

Now that we're all comfortable, why don't you read us your story?

Oh, boy.

Oh, God, it's the chicken!

Oh, man. That's fun.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! I'm going to kill you!

Oh, my God.

Oh, no.

Oh, no. Come on.

Oh, really?

Oh, yeah, you're that guy.

Oh! No!

Oh...

Okay, Jaleel. What's the problem?

Okay, that's all you had to say.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. Really?

One chance is all I'm giving you.

One day. That's all it'll take.

One man will pay the price.

One more, Grandma! One more!

One of our blades is jammed! We're going to have to do a forced evac!

Or summer school.

Or what? You'd shoot me with a spitball? Give me a wedgie?

Ow.

Papa Bear and the Wolf have left the building.

Parked on a dog.

Peace out, little G.

Pedal to the metal, Ricky Retardo! I got a movie to shoot!

Perfect! What'd you think, Dusty?

Put your seat back and relax, old man. You're in Jaleel's hands now.

Read your assignments in a slow and peaceful manner.

Ready to end this?

Ready to go wolf hunting?

Ready to make that call?

Really? Why don't you tell me more about that?

Red team, you stall him until my parents get to the set.

Right behind you, Shepherd!

Right on schedule.

Right there is where the big stunt is taking place.

Right.

Right.

Right. Sorry.

Rocco Malone, head of security at Wolf Pictures.

Rocco, this is the Wolf.

ROCCO: Here's the deal.

ROCCO: Malone speaking.

Rock and roll, baby.

Rock and roll, baby. I am ready to party.

Roger, F.T.

Roger, J Dub. Wait. What does that mean?

Rotten kids!

Rudy?

Sandier.

Save me the sob story, Methuselah!

Saving my butt twice in one year. Who would have thunk it?

Say, "Harry Shepherd's office." No way.

Sayonara, loser!

Security. Let's go.

See it? I think I wrote it!

See you around, Shep.

See, my mom made Swedish meatballs for dinner.

See, this is the movie business, grandpa! The talkies, you know?

Send some of your boys down here. I got a Code W.

Shepherd, you are a genius, buddy.

Shepherd!

Shh.

Shh.

Shut the heck up!

Sir?

Sister, I invented the word "rough."

Skateboard.

Slow down, you maniac! I'm getting out!

Smoke ascending from the streets of the city. Kastang!

Snap him like a twig.

So are you guys up for one last fight?

So if you want to remain my partner, I've got two words for you.

So once you let us in, probably gonna want to hold Papa's calls as well.

So stay tuned.

So, for the last time, give it up. Because I will never, ever, ever,

So, this here is a little place I like to call.

So, this is awesome.

So, what's the plan?

So, you admit you stole my story?

So?

Some ideas you struggle and struggle with

Sorry about that. Apparently we ran over a kid or something.

Sorry, Sir. There seems to be something wrong with the car.

Sorry. Marty!

Sounds good.

Sounds like you need to come up with a big idea for Big Fat Liar.

Speaking of movies, in just a few days we begin filming...

Squeeze him like a bug!

Stand back, son. Let me try and stamp it out with this lit cigar.

Stand back!

Stay right there.

Stop!

Strap on your seat belt, Dr. Duncanstein, because you are about to be blown away.

Suit yourself.

Sure you're not Senior V.P. of Twinkies?

Sweet God, not like this!

Take it easy, man. It wasn't my fault. The old bag rear ended me.

Take it easy.

Take it easy. Good night.

Teacher called the old man to confirm. You imitated him.

Tell our little "vice president" he can drag his sorry butt to my place

Terrific! Okay, people, meeting's over. What's next, Monty?

Thank you, kind stranger.

Thank you.

Thanks for all your help, kid.

Thanks for coming out here with me.

Thanks for holding. Can you spell Soderbergh for me?

Thanks for the lift, Frank. We'll take it from here.

Thanks for the ride, gentlemen.

Thanks, Steven. I'll have Mr. Wolf return.

Thanks.

That he's in love with Penny,

That thing is my life! If you lost it, then you've killed me.

That was close.

That woman doesn't even know what year it is.

That's a relief. Do you know where you're going?

That's all I need.

That's great. Look at that.

That's him. It's the guy from the limo!

That's it, kid. It's over! You lose and I win!

That's it? That's the lamest plan I've ever heard.

That's it. One more! That's it!

That's right! MAN: And cut.

That's what I'm counting on with this story.

The acting career must really be taking off. Bravo, Brando.

The big, fat liar.

The carbide lateral valve is connected to the defibrillator and it's acting up.

The clown!

The condor has flown the Coop.

The crazy hair. Man.

The desert.

The engine's fried. I need a backup car.

The guard! Let's get out of here.

The human hit factory is ready to roll!

The lying has got to stop!

The machine, it's great, they're free.

The mastermind behind this sure to be blockbuster.

The meatball was literally bulging out his neck.

The point is, it could blow anytime.

The press is all here!

The semicolon was first used in a

The softest shade of pink

The truth and the truth alone shall set ye free! Friends!

The truth is

The truth is...

The truth?

The truth?

The two of you are going to get on a plane, go back home,

The what?

The world premiere of Marty Wolf's action comedy, Whitaker and Fowl.

The worst part of this whole thing is, Wolf is just going to keep getting away with it.

There he is! El presidente!

There must be something he can do to make it up.

There was some guy in the limo, Marty something. Maybe he took it.

They didn't say anything about a little blue man.

They hit home right here, in the old corazón.

They offered me a ride. I must have forgotten it in there.

They play by their own rules out here!

They told me to pick up a little blue car.

They're airborne. Copy that.

They're going river rafting in the Grand Canyon.

They're in the middle of a canyon. There's no phones.

They're painful because

This ain't working for me at all.

This is Chopper One to Control.

This is Doris Del Rio down in parking. Do you drive a Saturn, ma'am?

This is Father Time. We're headed your way.

This is it, Monty. If he's not here in 60 seconds, this movie is over.

This is J Dog calling K Bird.

This is not the way to get on the new president's good side.

This is Ron, your driver. And I am Arthur, your tour guide.

This is the end of the line, Wolf. It's over.

This must be a very exciting evening for you.

This way.

Three years of yard work and babysitting money. Our flight leaves in two hours.

Through the desert?

Time to let my fingers do the walking.

To get what we need, we are talking

To have me tell your dad you did your homework?

To make my presentation.

Today, students, we are going to learn about the joys of a special friend

Tomorrow morning. You have a breakfast meeting at Marcus Duncan's house.

Tomorrow, his whole career is on the line.

Trooper's girlfriend makes a new potion.

Trust me, all it takes is one hit to get you back on top.

Trust me, it's going to work.

TV money! I didn't wear those glasses and suspenders all those years for free!

Two meetings in a row, Monty.

Uh huh.

Uh huh.

Uh...

Um...

Unfortunately, that essay counts for one third of Jason's semester grade.

Until the law dogs leave, then start racking up the merch.

Up yours, blue boy!

Urkel was a character I played when I was a child!

Urkel. Jaleel. Oh, my God. My man.

Very impressive, Marty.

Very nice. That's really charming, from a woman of your advanced years.

Vince, have you done this before?

Vince, meet my new effects whiz, Lester Golub.

Vince?

Vince.

W I L...

Wait a minute. This is insanity!

Wait. This is it.

Watch the shoes. Watch the shoes.

Watch yourself, Wolf. Watch yourself.

We got fish munching fish. We play by our own rules.

We got to jump! This bird is going down!

We made a deal.

We need to talk. I'm tutoring.

We open. Twelve different camera angles.

We rushed him to the ER.

We stay here until closing time, then we go shopping.

We want to get some sightseeing in before we cover this town in fur.

We'll go to LA, I'll get my paper, and we'll be back before Sunday.

We'll see about that.

We're $2 million over, and the studio hasn't approved the new budget.

We're going to our first Hollywood soirée.

We're here to see Marty Wolf.

We're not stealing, we're borrowing.

We've been over this. It's ancient history.

We've got a movie to shoot!

We've got furs to sell.

Well, he's...

Well, if you'd slow down, then...

Well, it's...

Well, well, well.

Well, you're a police officer named Fowl.

Weren't you on the phone with my dad?

What a day.

What a mess.

What about my Grandma Pearl? I'm staying at her house.

What am I doing here?

What am I, running a taxi service?

What are our options?

What are we supposed to do, walk across the country?

What are you doing here?

What are you doing? You're not listening to me.

What are you saying?

What are you talking about?

What are you talking about?

What can I do for you?

What can I say?

What can I say? This is Hollywood, Kaylee. It's a fish eat fish town.

What can we do? My parents will be here in the morning! We tried everything!

What do you think, Marty?

What have I done?

What is going on here?

What the hell is happening here?

What the...

What was that? Personal day? What are you talking about, Vince?

What?

What? I can't go to summer school!

What'd you say? Dog ate your homework?

What's going on? What is this big presentation you're giving about the movie?

What's Phase Three?

What's that noise?

What's that? What's happening?

What's with the Cokes?

When a little lie

When are they supposed to do that?

When children need an appointment to see their own father?

When he's angry, boom,

When he's bummed out, he turns blue.

When he's depressed, he turns blue.

When he's mad, his hair turns red.

When I heard an Angel's voice calling out.

When I opened my eyes

When we get to Wolf's building, we jump off, infiltrate his office,

Where are you? I am at Duncan's office right now!

Where do you think you're going?

Where in the hell are you taking me?

Where'd you come up with this idea?

Where's Wolf?

Which I was working on all day.

Which is supposed to make him shrink, but instead it causes him to change color.

Which, instead of curing him, causes him to change colors.

Who among us hasn't told a little white lie?

Who are you?

Who's a bad actor now, Mr. Wolf? Those were real tears!

Who's handling that?

Who's the geek boy now, you spaz?

Who's the tough guy now, pal?

Who's there?

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa!

Whoop Dee doodle doo!

Why did you call cut? I did not tell you to stop acting, Urkel.

Why do you keep showing up in my life?

Why don't you head home? I'll take the kids to the airport.

Why?

Why?

Why'd he have to steal my board today?

Will stop and stare.

Will your parents call?

With the same title. Big deal.

Without it, he'll fail the class.

Without the essay, summer school.

Wolf won't know what hit him.

Wolf, how many times have I told you not to call me Urkel?

Wolf, I want to say thanks.

WOMAN ON PA: Welcome to Los Angeles International Airport.

WOMAN: Operator. Marty Wolf Pictures, please.

WOMAN: Sweet Moses, what is that?

Worse. We got cats eating cats.

Worst film in the world.

Would you excuse us please, Shananny?

Wow. You're good.

Writes "loser" across my forehead,

Yeah, been up for hours. Just getting dressed.

Yeah, from my backpack, you loser!

Yeah, I guess I do.

Yeah, I stole your story!

Yeah, I'm stuck in the middle of the desert!

Yeah, I'm...

Yeah, in a big way. He bought like the sickest pad

Yeah, it must be really, really tough to be 11.

Yeah, it's just that... It's only a few days.

Yeah, pretty much.

Yeah, that's what I thought, tough guy!

Yeah, well, about that, Dad.

Yeah! Double time it, driver!

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. Thanks, Mom. It was delicious.

Yeah. The kid behind me who kept flicking boogers at my neck?

Yeah. Yeah. Feel the burn!

Yes, it's true. It was terrifying.

Yes, Kaylee.

Yes, ma'am. In the tail area, to be more specific.

Yes!

Yes!

Yes.

Yes.

Yes. And it can end anytime.

Yes. It's just good to get the past behind me,

Yo, Jaleel at the wheel.

Yo, Little Mash, show him your nutcracker.

Yo, what's up, dog?

You all right there, buddy?

You always say that. No, you don't.

You are a liar.

You bet. But what it lacks right now is a message.

You can hang out at my place.

You can take your personal day in a year or two, when you're dead!

You can't be Kaylee. You've grown so tall.

You can't do this! We have a witness!

You can't outrun the Wolf, kid!

You cannot turn your backs on me!

You certainly know how to make an entrance.

You come up with an ending for the script?

You cute little monkey, you.

You did all this just to prove you weren't lying?

You did do it, didn't you?

You did this?

You don't know who you're messing with!

You don't think so?

You don't understand! Let go!

You don't want that, do you?

You finish your English paper?

You from the studio? Yes, Sir.

You gave me my movie, Shepherd. It's the very least I can do for you.

You get me out of this mess,

You got it, Mr. Stroog. Look, here's my card. If you need a ride, give me a shout out.

You got the Wolf.

You got to get me out of here, buddy.

You gots to look good for the first day of shooting.

You happy now?

You have to believe me.

You just take your time handing in that assignment.

You kids are all gonna be hearing from my lawyer!

You know him?

You know who's listening, pal? No one.

You know, Grandma, you should think about getting into shape yourself.

You look like you could use a little "you" time.

You mean that this kid really did write Big Fat Liar?

You might want to back up. Back up.

You owe me $100 for yesterday's ride.

You poor thing.

You really think this will work?

You said you wanted an adventure.

You see, Big Fat Liar,

You see, his girlfriend, Penny, she makes Trooper an antidote,

You should've made your dad your sister, the meatball a chicken wing.

You smoke cigars, hot shot?

You spent all night with him in the ER?

You start shooting tomorrow. That's great.

You stole the idea for this movie from a 13 year old boy?

You sure?

You sure? Because now you're going from harmless bully to hardened boardjacker.

You talk way too much!

You taught me a valuable lesson.

You think I can't at least come up with a few good twists?

You think I care about a couple of little pranks?

You told me you wrote that paper.

You traveled halfway across the country

You two get together tomorrow to finalize the details.

You two, good bye!

You want to dance, kid? Let's dance!

You want to know the problem?

You want to see it?

You want us to do your summer school homework or not?

You were right, Penny. The truth? It's not overrated.

You write a story, I steal it,

You, Joshua. Go.

You'll have to hold on tight. We've only got one chute.

You'll return it to me and make the call?

You're a real piece of work. Who are you?

You're all fired!

You're all probably wondering why I'm blue and orange.

You're going down, clown! You're going down.

You're Jason Shepherd. You can get out of anything.

You're kind of young to be the biggest fur coat distributor in the Midwest.

You're lucky I'm not making you wear the freaky glasses and suspenders.

You're lying through your teeth, you little demon.

You're sick! All I wanted you to do was to tell my dad I wrote that paper!

You've earned it, buddy. You've earned it.

Your car is parked on a dog.

Your movie, your deal at the studio,

Your new partner is a crime fighting chicken named Whitaker.

Your parents will never know you wrote that story!

Your stunt guy will do whatever the computer tells him.

867 North Maple Drive.

867 North Maple.

1734 letter to British Parliament...

"Fat."

"I ain't done living yet."

"Jason: " Big.

"Kenny Trooper was the world's biggest liar.

"Liar."

"Mommy! Mommy!" You hear me, people?

"One man will pay the price.

"People everywhere stopped and stared at the big, fat liar. ".

"They say a little lie can grow bigger.

"You're busted!"

(AFFECTED LAUGHTER)

(ALARM CLOCK BEEPING)

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

(ALL YELLING)

(APPLAUSE)

(BANGS TABLE)

(BARKING)

(BEEPING)

(BEEPING)

(BELL RINGING)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(BLARING STOPS) What the...

(BLOWING)

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

(BOTH GRUNT)

(BOY CHUCKLES) And I owe it all to my son.

(BRET LAUGHING GOOFILY)

(CAR ALARM BLARING)

(CAR ALARM BLARING)

(CAR ALARM CONTINUES BLARING)

(CAR HORN BLARING)

(CAR HORN BLARING)

(CAR HORN HONKS)

(CAR LOCK CHIRPS)

(CAR LOCK CHIRPS)

(CAR LOCK CHIRPS) I'm all over it.

(CAR RATTLING)

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

(CELL PHONE RINGS)

(CELL PHONE RINGS)

(CELL PHONE RINGS)

(CELL PHONE RINGS)

(CELL PHONE RINGS)

(CELL PHONE RINGS)

(CELL PHONE RINGS)

(CHICKEN CLUCKING)

(CHILDREN CHATTERING)

(CHORTLES)

(CHORTLES)

(CHORTLING)

(CHORTLING)

(CHRISTMAS CAROL PLAYING)

(CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLING)

(CHUCKLING)

(CLAMORING)

(CLUCKING)

(CLUCKING)

(COUGHING)

(CROWD CHEERING)

(CROWD CHEERING)

(CROWD CLAPPING)

(CROWD LAUGHING)

(DIALING CELL PHONE)

(DIALING CELL PHONE)

(DIALING)

(DOOR OPENING)

(DOORBELL RINGS)

(EXCLAIMING IN PAIN)

(EXCLAIMING)

(EXCLAIMING)

(EXCLAIMING)

(EXCLAIMING)

(EXCLAIMING)

(EXCLAIMING)

(EXCLAIMING)

(EXCLAIMING)

(EXCLAIMING)

(EXCLAIMING)

(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)

(EXCLAIMS IN PAIN)

(EXCLAIMS IN PAIN)

(EXCLAIMS SARCASTICALLY)

(EXCLAIMS)

(EXCLAIMS)

(EXCLAIMS)

(EXCLAIMS)

(EXCLAIMS)

(EXCLAIMS)

(EXCLAIMS)

(EXCLAIMS) Hey there, Marty.

(GAGGING) It's gruesome. Listen for yourself.

(GASPING)

(GASPS)

(GIBBERING CONTINUES)

(GIBBERING)

(GIBBERING)

(GIGGLES)

(GIRL EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST) I burped that meatball right across the room.

(GROANING)

(GROANING)

(GROANS)

(GROANS)

(GROANS)

(GROWLS)

(GRUNTING)

(GRUNTING)

(GRUNTING)

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

(GUFFAWING)

(HEAVY METAL MUSIC BLARING)

(HELICOPTER APPROACHING)

(HIP HOP MUSIC BLARING)

(HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

(HORN BLARING)

(HORN BLARING)

(HORN TOOTING)

(HYSTERICALLY) They're free.

(IMITATES HORSE NEIGHING)

(IMITATES NERVOUS CHUCKLE)

(IMITATING MONKEY)

(IN HIGH VOICE) And I'm Mr. Funnybones! Happy Birthday, Darren.

(IN HIGH VOICE) Cut it out, Marty! Hey, that kills, Marty!

(IN HIGH VOICE) Help. Come and rescue me, Marty.

(IN HIGH VOICE) That's a big 10 4, Marty.

(IN SPANISH ACCENT) Los Angeles.

(INAUDIBLE)

(INAUDIBLE) JOSHUA: My dog ate it?

(JASON GROANS)

(JASON SCREAMING)

(KIDS CHEERING)

(KIDS SIGH)

(KNOCKING)

(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

(MACHINE CLANGING)

(MARTY SHOUTS)

(MOCKINGLY) A breakfast meeting at Marcus Duncan's house.

(PAGER BEEPING)

(PEOPLE APPLAUDING) 12:30, stunt demonstration.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

(PEOPLE GASPING)

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

(PHONE RINGING)

(PHONE RINGING)

(PHONE RINGING)

(PHONE RINGING)

(PHONE RINGING)

(PHONE RINGS)

(PHONE RINGS)

(POP MUSIC BLARING ON RADIO)

(RETCHING)

(ROARING)

(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

(SCOFFING)

(SCOFFS) What, some 10 year old kid

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING) You want a piece of me? You want a piece of me?

(SHUSHING) A pleasure to meet...

(SIGHS WITH RELIEF)

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

(SIREN WAILING)

(SNAPPY POP MUSIC PLAYING)

(SNARLS)

(SNICKERING)

(SNICKERING)

(SNICKERS)

(SNORING)

(SOBBING)

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

(SQUEAKS)

(SQUEAKS)

(STAMMERING)

(STAMMERING)

(STAMMERING) You almost cost me my job.

(TAPPING)

(THUDDING)

(THUDDING)

(TIRES SCREECH)

(VOCALIZING)

(WAILING)

(WHOOPING)

(WHOOPING)

(WHOOPING)

(WHOOPS)

(WHOOPS)

(WHOOPS)

(WHOOPS)

(WHOOPS)

(WHOOPS)

(YELLING)

(YELLING)

(YELLING)

(YELPING)