Afterlife (2019) - Season 1 Edit

A couple of years ago, and I can't get to them, so...

A photo of a loved one in, but...

A really nice person.

A smile 'cause someone saved a blind kitten from a tree.

A woman was

About being jealous over something, so...

About everything.

Ah, I'm sorry.

Ah.

All right, Dad?

Also, I think I was embarrassed

Am I?

And a mustache, was it?

And as he's on the floor gasping for air,

And blump him around the room like a biiiig space hopper.

And don't give up...

And even though I'm in pain,

And he did it to himself. It's like...

And he's not in any pain.

And his skin's dead smooth when he gets out the bath.

And I can't wait for someone to love me as much as you love your wife.

And I couldn't have wished for a better bloke.

And I do shit like this...

And I have all those memories.

And I like murdering little fat kids like you,

And I thought I could be the one to administer the punishment,

And I thought...

And I want you to meet someone else.

And I went along with it for a while.

And I'd really rather you didn't kill yourself.

And I've always got suicide to fall back on."

And Kath.

And making... rice puddings.

And punch Gavin Tilley in the face for looking at Lisa.

And she was shuffling. She wouldn't pick her

And she's telling me to calm down.

And so are you.

And someone points out that this'll end eventually,

And Stan had a wonderful life, too,

And started making rice puddings.

And that I miss my wife, and that...

And that's my point.

And the little things do matter.

And the trick is to find who's nice and who's an arsehole.

And then she teased me that I couldn't commit suicide

And they grow in numbers.

And they know it's your breast milk?

And they're not.

And what d'you mean, you stole their hammer?

And when I couldn't, or hadn't,

And while you're asleep, I'm gonna smash your stupid head in with this hammer.

And why... didn't you go through with it?

And yet,

And you said, "Go on what?"

And you,

And you're a good person,

And you're good, Tony.

And, err...

And, I mean, I've seen lonely people, people dying, people in pain,

And... that's your fault.

Angry rat from a trap.

Another good man taken.

Any other questions?

Anyway, do you want to try?

Apparently, a middle aged man threatened a ten year old child

Are you a relative?

Are you gonna go for a drink with him?

Are you Robbie?

Are you...

Arseholes, you know, like Gavin fuckin' Tilley.

As in expound,

As well as her dead husband.

Ask her out.

At first, I thought it was like a superpower.

Back of the room. Back corner. Basically, I put some traps there

Basically, these little fellas are um

Because I decided it was too good for me.

Because I know it makes you happy,

Because if you're saying I have to choose between the safety of my son...

Because it would be a waste.

Because then they've won.

Because they do. Everyone does.

Because you're the godfather to my son.

Been a fuckin' pain.

Best keep out the way... 'til the war's over.

Bloody love 'em though.

Brian, this isn't right for a local paper. How can I do a

But arseholes are clever. They pretend to be nice.

But as they went past me.

But everyone has bad shit in their lives.

But I bet your first thought isn't, "I hope he chokes on that,

But I can't risk that anymore. Do you understand?

But I'd rather live...

But it didn't go to plan.

But it's...

But my mistake was thinking that everyone is an arsehole,

But now I wish I'd punched him in the face.

But once you realize you're not gonna be around forever,

But still....

But that means that you don't get to see George.

But the world's gonna carry on without me,

But then...

But we'll come back to that, thank you.

But you can you can change yourself.

But you can draw a mustache on any baby and it looks a bit like Hitler.

But you don't have to confiscate my shoelaces anymore.

But you make the world a better place.

But you'll see her.

But, no madder than anyone else.

But... if death is just the end, what's the point?

But... you can still be happy.

By a woman walking along the street next to me,

Bye.

Call me when my girlfriend gets here, please.

Calm down? You're telling me to calm down?

Can I just talk to you about something a sec?

Can I stay and try and find one?

Change the subject.

Charlie.

Cheers, Lenny.

Cheers, Matt.

Cheers.

Come and have a look at my home.

Cot death.

D'you know, I've worked in this job for...

D'you wanna go have a look?

D'you want to watch us cover this story?

Did you hear about Julian?

Didn't want to be too obvious.

Do a little Robert Mugabe... or something.

Do bigger problems exist than the desperate poverty of a child?

Do other people eat these?

Do you just go, "Oh, forget it then. What's the point?" and just turn it off?

Do you like him?

Do you understand?

Doesn't even know it's over. [laughs]

Doesn't matter.

Doesn't mean it's true.

Doing things you want to do is the same as doing good.

Don't cry, and don't be too flattered. Have you seen our front pages?

Don't ever lose that.

Don't say that. Don't even joke about things like that.

Don't worry about it.

Doubt it.

Dunno what he's on about.

Either live without pain or die without pain,

Erm...

Erm...

Err, she was narcissistic, rude.

Err... Yeah, just a bit. [chuckles]

Especially his body.

Even with these idiots.

Everyone did.

Everyone should be in the local paper at least once.

Exactly.

Excited to start it.

Excuse me.

Fill your boots with that shit, but you can't

Flab on his neck?

For 18 months, she's shagging Mickey the Gypsy down Green Lane.

For a drink...

For being my human stress ball.

For drugs.

For getting your order wrong, or make someone feel bad

For people to eat a pudding made from human milk.

For saying something stupid, just know that they might have just failed an exam,

For the first time since Lisa died,

For what?

For what?

For yawning too loudly.

Friend of yours?

From an overdose, heroin.

Fuckin' Labrador.

Fun...

Funny memes I show around on Twitter.

Gavin fuckin' Tilley.

Gay.

German.

Get back to work.

Give me some examples of things you love.

Give me some examples?

Go on what?

Go on.

God, 25 years,

God. [slaps her leg]

Good girl. Come on.

Good one. Luckily, I got it in first that I didn't want to be there either,

Good people do things for other people.

Good.

Got a spare roll down the shed.

Got to have a backup.

Happiness is amazing.

Happy's a stretch.

Has no one ever told you how to fuckin' walk?

Have fun.

He always does, every day.

He can't get enough.

He did a puppet show!

He doesn't know anything's wrong.

He still manages to make me laugh.

He was a heroin addict, okay? That's what he did.

He was bullying George.

He was doing this...

He was found dead this morning.

He winked.

He's 'ot.

He's going to murder a kid with a hammer

He's good with my boy.

Hello, you!

Hello!

Hello.

Here we are.

His humor, his comedy...

His what?

Hitler's the funniest thing to do, I guess.

Hmm. That's even weirder.

Hope is everything.

Hope mine's not like that.

How are you even gonna deal with that?

How are you?

How do you know me?

How?

How've you been?

Huh? You've made me a laughing stock around the village,

I I had no idea.

I asked her out.

I can do anything. Who cares?

I can do what I like.

I can take all the insults, you know, the lateness.

I collect them.

I did, yeah.

I didn't know.

I do go around raping and murdering as much as I want, which is not at all.

I do.

I do.

I do. Maybe there's something in this, yeah.

I don't even know what you're fighting anymore.

I don't get this, okay? There is no enemy in this story.

I don't know if it's the right thing. I just...

I don't know what to say.

I don't know why. Like wiggling a tooth. I knew you were a cock,

I don't need you anymore.

I don't see the point.

I don't suppose you'll have time

I don't think I've ever met anyone quite as... sad as him.

I don't wanna do this anymore.

I don't... [tuts]

I dunno, he's he's tried to, like, turn his heart into stone

I found myself...

I gave him the money.

I get enough grief from Jill as it is,

I had the most wonderful life with Stan.

I hate people who eat the ice in their gin and tonics.

I hate the fact that people think...

I hate the way they rev up for no reason.

I have got somewhere better to be.

I have.

I haven't met anyone, though.

I just had a phone call from the school.

I just threatened a ten year old kid with a hammer.

I just used to be better at it. Used to... try harder.

I just want to be out of pain.

I just... don't need you around anymore.

I kept out of the way.

I knew it was wrong to punch him, but...

I know it was you 'cause I've seen the fucking hammer.

I know where you live

I know.

I like this job.

I love how much you love your wife,

I love you, Dad.

I mean, I look forward to these things, and then that happens.

I mean, I won then?

I mean, to get in the paper.

I mean, you can believe in an afterlife if that makes you feel better.

I mean...

I need some advice.

I pretended I hadn't seen it.

I realized you can't...

I said, "Go on,"

I think he's being nice.

I think that's what makes life so magical.

I thought, "Okay.

I wanna kill myself.

I wanna lean in and go,

I wanted to kill myself.

I wanted to punch a bloke in the cafe yesterday

I was trying to stop George getting hurt.

I was wondering if you wanted to go out...

I was wound up the other day

I won't do anything like this again.

I wouldn't change anything.

I'd effectively be paying your wages,

I'd go back to 1998...

I'd murder him in his sleep if he did it again.

I'll do it tomorrow.

I'll go to the shops. We'll get a lovely loaf."

I'll have no responsibility for anything ever again.

I'll stick around.

I'll take that.

I'll try harder at that as well.

I'm a bit mad.

I'm an escaped lunatic,

I'm gonna carry on...

I'm gonna use my superpower for good.

I'm in pain, all right? I'm in fucking pain all the time,

I'm not gonna kill myself.

I'm not gonna tell him something that might turn out to be a lie.

I'm not mad anymore.

I'm sorry.

I've always wanted to knock a twat off a motorbike.

I've got stories.

I've got to walk the dog. I'll see you later.

I've had the best life.

I've watched Ride Along 2 five times.

If I went back and changed one thing I didn't like, I might lose something

If I'm gonna do this carrying on living thing,

If it doesn't behave.

If it had a real mustache.

If that's what you're saying.

If you carry on like this, people are gonna get hurt, right?

If you don't believe in heaven and hell and all that,

If you're making bread, "Oh, we've run out of yeast.

If you're not convinced, I promise I'll never darken your door again.

If you're saying to me that you can't be trusted,

In a good way.

Including me.

Interested.

Is everything okay with you and Jill?

Is it genuinely a revelation to you that other people have problems, Tony?

Is it true?

Is this the service for Julian Kane?

It always felt better...

It doesn't even come close.

It doesn't really look like Hitler then.

It gets complicated.

It kills a few minutes,

It must have been like trying to free an injured,

It was something you said, that it's not all about me,

It was your brother in law Matt that told me about you, and uh...

It wasn't born with its hair combed forward

It'll make my year.

It's a good one as well, so not a complete waste of an evening.

It's a good place to work.

It's a laugh, innit?

It's a tr trevor tro treasure trove.

It's already happened.

It's depressing.

It's gonna be on my terms, I'm gonna do what I want,

It's like celebrating being tired.

It's lovely.

It's more natural, if you think about it, isn't it?

It's not addressed to you, is it? It's addressed to me.

It's not for reading, it's for being in.

It's quite sad.

It's really good.

It's so amazing, it doesn't matter if it's yours or not.

It's so sad. I didn't even...

It's sweet.

It's worth...

Just grab the back of his neck. Or get on him, if you like.

Just keep being funny.

Just me and the dog.

Just old shit.

Just say yes.

Just... Well, have a sit down.

Keep being funny.

Kevin Hart.

Know what I mean? If you're a good person,

Letting George see you, but I do it

Letting me squeeze your neck.

Like a clawing thing in the back of the throat.

Like you.

Listen up, right?

Little corner of the world a slightly better place.

Loads of stuff.

Local baby...

Looking for me.

Looks exactly like Adolf Hitler.

Lovely.

Make my...

Making everyone laugh.

Me.

Memorabilia and trophies and...

Mildly interesting...

Mind you, if I was 20 years younger, I think I could do better.

Missing him...

Mm hm.

Most people keep these things to themselves.

Mr. Crosby at number five.

My exploits.

My rule is, if you come onto my property, then I own you.

My wife is a slut. There's your headline.

Nah. We're fine, thank you

Nazis, then?

Nearly.

Never. No.

Nice to meet you all.

No one cares.

No one wants their fella hanging out with someone like me.

No way! [gasps]

No, 'cause I can watch it again.

No, friend.

No, he's just He gets a bit grabby.

No, I believe you.

No, I haven't.

No, it isn't.

No, it was... awful...

No, it's the sight of him just... [slurping]

No, not about this. I mean...

No, thanks for letting me know.

No, you didn't know.

No.

No.

No.

Nobody. They don't know it was you.

Not a black one.

Not as a story or anything, but as a parent.

Not as much.

Not at the moment. I've got bigger problems.

Not convenient.

Not very nice, is it?

Nothing can hurt me because I can always kill myself, you know? And...

Obviously not.

Obviously, I was still lactating, so I thought, "Waste not, want not,"

Oh, back again.

Oh, come on. Wha

Oh, don't breathe in the smoke, love. You'll be off your tits.

Oh, don't care about children in poverty then?

Oh, excellent!

Oh, god.

Oh, here she is.

Oh, hey. How was the date?

Oh, I dunno.

Oh, I know what you mean.

Oh, I know. I can use Forget it.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God. I could cry.

Oh, no, it's eyeliner.

Oh, nothing much. Nothing much.

Oh, uh

Oh, you pig.

Oh.

Oh. Oh, God!

Okay, come through.

Okay, next time, though.

Okay, right.

Okay, thank you. Yeah.

Okay?

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

One day you'll... eat your last meal,

Ooh, calm down, Brian.

Or a Korean one, even.

Or a meal.

Or been made redundant, or found out their mum's got cancer.

Or think, "Well, if I went back, I might do this or I might do that."

Other people are in pain as well. Other people have shit going on.

Other people have things they need to deal with.

People who are fucked up don't choose to be like that.

People who've got nothing, and yet I... [exhales]

Pick your fuckin' feet up.

Picture of your cat,

Please be happy.

Please be happy.

Please bring the new girl.

Please can I be in the paper?

Pleasure.

Postcard.

Prostitute.

Punishing the world, but I'm gonna punish people who deserve it.

Put something in it.

Question three?

Questions?

Ranting about how life's worth living today at work

Really painful for him.

Really?

Really?

Right, let's go for that drink, then.

Right? It's what he wanted, obviously.

Right.

Right.

Right. Got a good lead for you.

Robbie hit me.

Running around like a fat, little annoying Santa with your rosy cheeks,

Say hello, everybody.

Saying and doing... what I want, and...

See you later.

See?

Seven years ago. I just thought I could do what I like with the place.

Seven years.

She drank like a fish, swore like a trooper,

She hasn't said yes yet.

She ignored it.

She will.

She'd be mad not to.

She's been shagging anything that moves.

She's brilliant, mate.

She's bringing me a treat.

She's thinking about it, so...

Shut the door.

Shut the fuck up!

Sit down.

Sit on him, grab the roll of fat on his back there,

Slurping it up like a fat...

Smart,

Smart...

Smell your last flower, hug your friend for the very last time.

So do I.

So for the bread, I use my own vaginal yeast.

So he's stuck with that photo for ten years.

So I expressed...

So I just went for it.

So I kept expressing

So I'm clever.

So if we come and look at your house,

So if you hit George or anyone else, I'm gonna come to your house

So if you're watching a movie, and you're really enjoying it,

So it lashes out.

So that he wouldn't actually feel anything 'cause it was just all...

So that's why you should do everything you love with passion, you know?

So the next time you're rude to some waitress

So you're not gonna... split up or anything?

So, cheers.

So... will people do literally anything to get in the local paper, then?

Some people are nice, right?

Some people deserve to be punished,

Someone for everyone, isn't there?

Someone nearly as lovely as me.

Something with Kevin Hart in...

Something you love.

Sometimes I have to top it up with cow's milk.

Sorry, I thought me saying I was busy was enough.

Sorry.

Sorry. Naughty.

Sticking around to maybe...

Stole their hammer.

Stupid.

Sure.

Tell him he doesn't have to worry about that... at least.

Tell jokes... at the funeral, or at the party after.

Terrible turnout.

Than for him to live missing me.

Thank you for annoying me every day,

Thanks for never giving up.

Thanks.

That he was gonna kill himself, or I'm not gonna let you see George again, okay?

That is not good enough, Tony.

That that bad thing eventually took me to.

That you're not accountable for your actions, then that's fine,

That?

That's a great question, Tony. [inhales deeply]

That's a great question.

That's all there is.

That's all there is.

That's all we are anyway, really, memories.

That's how much I love him.

That's it. The end.

That's letting yourself off the hook again.

That's not gonna happen.

That's what we're used to, isn't it?

The fact they were muggers was a bonus. It sort of justified it.

The negative behavior which contributes to your problems.

The nurse who looks after my dad, I'm gonna...

The nurse?

The one good thing about my life is that I never have to do that shit again.

The psychiatrist said you were having marriage problems.

The shade of which they know they will never sit in."

The soldiers were here again today.

The worst.

Then I choose my son every fucking time. Do you understand me?

Then I tried to knock a couple of muggers off a moped.

Then wipe it off if we need to.

Then you have a sort of spiritual hangover the next day,

There'd better be a party after.

There's hope.

There's no story here, mate.

There's that lovely thing,

They can get away with being shit, you know?

They distracted me.

They don't go around broadcasting it like you do,

They pretend to care about you, that

They should get him a passport now,

They've gotta learn.

Think about it. That's good.

This can be the front page.

This is You're just doing this to yourself.

This is the dining room.

This is the worst thing you've done.

This is what I've been talking about. This is...

This shitty little... free, local newspaper.

This woman has destroyed me.

Threatening to kill himself and other people.

To associate with me when you're all hooked up again.

To be honest, he's more worried about his uncle acting mental,

To decide you weren't going to kill yourself and you could be happy again.

Tony, can I have a word?

Tony, you're breaking my heart.

Tony! [laughs]

Treasure the few years you've got because...

Trust me.

Trust me.

Ugh.

Um, everyone, it's my girlfriend, June. June, everyone.

Um, no. Next time he's lying naked,

Unless you've got somewhere better to be.

Valerie, erm...

Very cuddly, yeah.

Wanna see a sexy picture of him just out the bath?

Was it a success?

Wasn't much of a do.

We all get irritated by things, okay?

We are here to help you change...

We did it with marker pen at first, but it took ages to get off.

We need sort of local interest stories like this.

We thought it would be a good idea

We're not Nazis, no.

Welcome to the contents of my head.

Welcome.

Well,

Well, I mean Can I say I'll think about it?

Well, I mean, therapy is a way of helping you cope with your feelings.

Well, I think life is precious 'cause you can't watch it again.

Well, let's see, okay?

Well, thanks for coming over.

Well, then you'd probably...

Well, usually, there's like a... romantic scene or a castle or something inside.

Well, we're trying to, yeah.

Well, when we're babies maybe.

Well, you come here sometimes.

Well, you'll never have to come here again, so...

Well...

Well...

Well...

Were they British or German?

Were they?

What a good fuckin' mate you are!

What d'you love?

What d'you mean "Go on what"?

What d'you mean?

What for?

What I'm saying is, it's not a revelation, is it?

What is my negative behavior?

What the fuck is wrong with you, Tony? I can't

What was it last week, "Woman Finds Hat in a Tree"?

What was it like?

What with his marriage going down the fucking swanny.

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What? Why? What's...

What's it say?

What's my name?

What's that smell?

What's the guilt tripping? And don't give me this altruism shit.

What's the matter?

What's the worst that can happen?

When did my wife leave me? [gasps]

When I was doing and saying exactly what I wanted,

When I was seven.

When it was also the right thing to do.

When the dog goes, and him,

Where are you going?

Which one?

Which one's Robbie?

Whichever one comes first.

Who eats these?

Who told you it was me?

Who?

Why do you want your baby to look like Adolf Hitler?

Why don't you just go around raping and murdering as much as you want?

Why have you never considered suicide?

Why is it empty?

Why would you even tell me that?

Why?

Why?

Why? What's

With a hammer today.

Without fail.

Women.

Work? Are you fucking kidding me?

Worried you'd offended so and so.

Wow.

Wow. This is your new home.

Yeah, but you couldn't have known that he would overdose, though.

Yeah, but you knew I'd read it.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, good.

Yeah, just call me, huh?

Yeah, like his body temperature's warm, like hot to the touch.

Yeah, or Chinese one. We'd probably do...

Yeah, they lap it up.

Yeah, we are.

Yeah, well,

Yeah, which brings me to my next question,

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. [sighs]

Yeah. A... guy I used to work with.

Yep, I come here sometimes.

Yep.

Yep.

Yep.

Yep.

Yep.

Yes, please, take a picture. Thank you.

Yes, you have.

Yes, you have. You've been shagging Mickey the Gypsy.

Yes.

You absolute cock.

You all right, George?

You are human.

You can do whatever you want.

You can't change the world,

You can't fool yourself and...

You can't not care about things you actually care about.

You cock, you twat.

You did it already, Dad.

You didn't Yeah, you didn't know.

You didn't know.

You don't give a fuck about the charity or poverty stricken kids. You want money.

You don't know.

You drew on the wallpaper, didn't ya?

You forgot "sexy," but...

You have so much to give.

You haven't heard the phrase, "go on,"

You just made 'em laugh.

You know, I'm genuinely happy on my own.

You know, work.

You make me laugh all the time.

You may not like living much,

You might as well just kill yourself.

You might not know it's the last time,

You never need to use your own vaginal yeast to make bread.

You remember that?

You shouldn't regret anything,

You threatened a child with a fucking hammer.