The Last Man on Earth - Season 1 Edit

A raisin ball.

A shower. Oh, my God, private individual showers.

About Carol. No way, man.

Acting all fun to be around and looking positively radiant?

Admit it! You're afraid that the new buck in town is gonna spray all over your turf.

All of 'em. He had sex with all of 'em!

All right, look, don't worry, Care Package.

All right, no disrespect to Tucson, but I'm talking about farming.

All right, you know what? Fine.

All right?

All right.

All right.

All right. Well, I tried.

Already I'm so lonesome I could cry

And any real cattleman knows that a cow can't go down stairs.

And childish and sweet and good hearted and fun and...

And he knows not to step on my turf.

And I don't know, call me crazy, but...

And I get a car, get some supplies,

And I have to respond in kind.

And I never would have gone through with this one.

And I plowed it, I raked it, I tilled it, I sowed it, I farmed it.

And I really appreciate you being patient with me,

And I'll beat you to it. We're done, Melissa.

And I'm already in a kind of free fall. Don't know where the bottom is.

And I'm an only child.

And I'm sorry you had to hear that, girl.

And I've always wanted to ride on the back of a garbage truck.

And let out a little warning roar.

And now suddenly being shirtless is a crime?

And now, just stripping down in front of me, in my own house?

And peeing everywhere to mark our territory,

And poets who swoon

And she rewards me by having sex with this frigging

And that definitely doesn't stink.

And that was gonna be a big surprise come harvest, till this guy ruined it.

And the thing is, as with many Ferraris, the real show is on the back end.

And then I am gone.

And then what are you and Phil trying to do?

And throw your hats in the ring, looks like you're stuck with little old me.

And we didn't even get to vote. It's not fair.

And your bald head.

And, sure, for a while, we were like two alpha dogs baring our teeth,

And, Tandy, you can't have me.

And, uh, I had one brother.

Anyway, toilet paper's under the sink.

Are you kidding right now?

As if. I know you didn't think that. But I love that old Australian sass.

As often happens in the animal kingdom. Bottom line, (CHUCKLES) he respects me.

At this point, it's still very limited. Okay? I have just enough power...

Attention, everyone.

Aw, tough bananas, 'cause this train has left the station.

Basically, it feels like a shower.

Because I feel like one day, it will come.

Because Phil, the hero of the moment,

Because the Tandyman is in the hizzy. In the house.

Because this will be the last time you'll be seeing any of this.

Because, yeah, I know they're there.

Believe me.

Boom. I still got it.

Bro it the hell out!

Broken generator. (SCOFFS) Nice try.

But deep down, you're jealous. Jellin' so hard right now.

But I got a housing option that might just help you. Huh?

But I'm not gonna pretend that I don't love you.

But it came out a draw.

But it's all over his feet and legs. (CHUCKLES) Poor guy.

But just know I do love you.

But there are a lot of great houses on the outskirts of town.

But there aren't penis awards. So, whatever, you know?

But these snakes can bite. Huh?

But Tucson's my home. I mean, it's where I grew up.

But you thought about it.

But, you know, that was, uh...

Bye.

Can I hear it?

Can we move on?

Can we take a look at it, your farm?

Can you excuse me?

Can't stand those damn mosquitoes!

Care Bear, huh?

Care Bear? He's calling you Care Bear now?

Carol, hey. Really want to talk to you.

Carol, I cannot believe you.

Carol, please. It's me, the Tandyman. I'm not the jealous type.

CAROL: Get 'em! Phil! MILLER: I want a s'more right now!

CAROL: Hello!

CAROL: I want chocolate.

CAROL: I want the darkest chocolate! MILLER: The darkest chocolate!

CAROL: Oh, you got a piece of graham cracker.

CAROL: Okay, everybody. Gather round. Get in here.

CAROL: Phil.

CAROL: Tell me everything. We have time.

CAROL: Would you like some marshmallows?

CAROL: Yeah, Phil Miller!

CAROL: You've camped before.

Carol?

Carol? As if. Right. (LAUGHS)

Carol? Ha!

Carol.

Carol.

Central air conditioning.

Clean out the garbage pool.

Come here.

Come on, choose this Sophie.

Come on, Tandy.

Come on!

Come on.

Come on.

Come on. Come on, be a tractor. Be a tractor for me.

Coming out, joining each other once they're fully clothed.

Darn tootin'.

Deal's off, Phil lives.

Definitely.

Did someone call for a generator repair backup?

Did you just knock over my lamp?

Different cats. I like it.

Doesn't just work on cows, hon.

Don't even think about coming back to Tucson.

Don't get me wrong...

Don't know when I'll be back again

Don't sell yourself short, Gail. You're an incredibly complex woman.

Don't you want to be my friend?

Dummy.

Erica, g'day! G'day!

ERICA: Almost. MILLER: (STRAINING) Come on!

ERICA: Wow!

Even though I hate his frigging guts.

Every inch of this place is already covered in layers and layers of Tandy Miller spray.

Everything from, uh, fruits to veggies.

Exactly.

Find my own place.

Find your own place?

Fine, there's nothing left for me here anyway.

First thing come morn, we'll go see my farm.

First thing in the morning. As early as we can do it, yeah.

For me? Let me see.

Freewheeling around, abandoning all her stupid rules,

Frickin' Phil.

Friggin' Phil.

GAIL: Well, I don't mean to interrupt.

Gary. You came.

Geez, haven't you ever wanted to have sex just for fun?

Go away.

God, I want her back.

Going through my garbage?

Good for you, bro.

Good, 'cause it was unquestionable.

Good.

Good. Don't come back.

Goodbye, uh... Phil.

Got about a million toothbrushes under there, too. All different sizes.

Got no place to hide

Got yourself a real Sophie's Choice here, Phil.

Great. Well, let me just double check his work.

Ha!

Had the good sense to put up those "Alive in Tucson" signs,

Has a little surprise for all of us.

Have you no morals?

Haven't you done enough plowing for one day?

He definitely wants to sleep with Melissa. And everyone else here.

He had sex with them.

He smells the spray, he's trying to tip toe through it.

He was gonna do the same thing to me.

He was worried about you.

He'll come out soon. He has to.

He's a monster.

He's coming back. I know this game.

He's gonna drive you out to the desert and he's gonna leave you there.

He's got nothing to eat up there.

He's over at Frick and Frack's house.

He's taken my name. He's stealing all my chores.

He's trying to establish dominance.

Hell, I'm not even sure the cow's safe.

Hello. I'm Carol Andrew Pilbasian.

Here's some trash talk that I can get behind.

Here's your s'more right here.

Hey, bud. Looking good. (SNICKERS)

Hey, Care Bear. Tandy. How's it going?

Hey, come out of there.

Hey, do you think I'm being paranoid,

Hey, guys! Hey... Oh, my God!

Hey, is this about the... All the chips on my shirt?

Hey, Melissa.

Hey, Phil, do you mind finding a different adorable nickname for me?

Hey, Todd, hey, hey. Don't put this on yourself.

Hey, Tucson is my hometown, and I will not hear it be slandered like that.

Hey, uh, Carol, where are the other two?

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hmm.

Hold me like you'll never let me go

Hong clang, hong clang.

Houston, do you read?

Huh?

Hyah! Hyah!

I didn't do anything.

I didn't knock over your stupid lamp. Okay?

I do.

I don't care about any of this stuff.

I don't even know who Carol is anymore.

I don't even know who you are anymore, man.

I don't expect you to say it back,

I don't know. Uh, I haven't found anything yet.

I don't need any of you.

I don't need you.

I don't want to be with a man who can leave someone in the desert to die.

I don't... You found a new dude.

I dump you, okay?

I feel like we belong together.

I feel like you caught me on a weird week.

I feel like you're making a big mistake here.

I forbid it.

I frigging beefed it big time.

I got no beef with you, Tandy.

I got to be honest, Carol.

I had no idea that thing with Tandy happened.

I have plenty of food.

I haven't seen you all day. You okay in there?

I heard you say in the cul de sac that you hate my guts.

I just want you to know that I'm here

I just wanted to bring you these hush puppies I made you.

I know it's not gonna win any penis awards.

I know. Come on.

I love you.

I may have my faults, but I am a good person.

I may not be a good person...

I mean, are we really talking about killing someone?

I mean, I don't have that weird V thing that he does

I mean, it's been three days. What if he dies up there?

I mean, no offense, but in this new world,

I mean, we really reached an understanding.

I mean, who does this guy think he is, huh?

I mean, who is this imposter?

I need some kind of key or...

I picked this up to handle the garbage pool situation.

I said go away.

I saw Tandy knock over the lamp.

I say we let him choose.

I say we revote right now.

I see what you're trying to do here and I don't like it.

I sure did.

I think about a lot of things. I'm a thinker.

I think it's time for you to leave.

I treated her so well,

I want to be with the man who doesn't have the heart to go through with it.

I was about to take a shower.

I was gonna leave Todd in the desert. Is that what you want to hear?

I was just kidding, but good for you.

I was sitting here and the thing just falls 'cause the wind...

I...

I'm a Gemini.

I'm all alone. And divorced. So I have plenty of room.

I'm fine in here.

I'm from Delaware. I'm a Scorpio.

I'm from Tucson.

I'm going back that way.

I'm gonna jump in the shower now. Right now.

I'm gonna tell you one last time.

I'm gonna... I'm gonna take a shower.

I'm in.

I'm in.

I'm like a Stephen Hawking when it comes to...

I'm not going anywhere. I am Tucson.

I'm Phil. Phil Miller.

I'm Phillip Tandy Miller.

I'm sorry I couldn't say it back.

I'm sorry, if I'd known you were coming, I would've tucked it in.

I'm sorry, man. This is hard for me.

I'm sure he has a plan. Why don't you ask him?

I'm worried about you.

I've made that very clear.

I've made us a farm, a viable, sustainable, working farm.

If Care Bear is not here with me?

If I walk at a quick pace, I can make it to Nogales.

If I'd knocked it over, you'd know it.

If this relationship is gonna work, you can't hang out with him.

If you ever need to tell me anything.

If you ever want to have any guests over, just run it by me, standard stuff.

If you feel so inclined

Is something wrong?

Isn't he the greatest?

Isn't it a wonderful day?

It involves getting power up here to the cul de sac, but that's all I'll say.

It seems to be working just fine.

It should be.

It was pure animal instinct. You feel me, Philbert?

It's a bunch of jewels. Went to a couple different jewel stores. (SNICKERS)

It's a simple question.

It's always about the power, hombre.

It's an open condom wrapper

It's been three days. You have to be hungry.

It's called casual sex, Tandy.

It's fine, right?

It's for hopers and dreamers

It's in the tree, it's high up there.

It's late, and, you know, dark and cold. The plants are resting.

It's only Phil. Phil Miller. The original Phil Miller.

It's Phil, new Phil.

It's Todd!

It's where my parents are buried.

Just a dumb scarf I made you. It gets drafty in this house.

Just friends taking showers, individually, toweling off on their own,

Lamp just fell. Lamp just... What?

Let me take you on a little trip

Like someone's trying to murder you.

Look at that piece of crap.

Look at this, huh? You got a class B commercial license to operate this thing?

Look at you. You look like a million bucks.

Look, I wasn't in my right mind. You got to believe me.

Look, I'm not a charity case, okay?

Look, I'm sorry things got a little tense between us this week.

Look, I've had a really nice time with you and I...

Looked like you were having a great time.

Looking at what you did, I realize I may have been off base.

Made sense to me, that's what I thought.

Make you feel all romantic

MALE ASTRONAUT: (OVER RADIO) Houston, do you read?

Maybe I ought to go lend a hand on fixing that generator.

Maybe I'll do that. Where is he?

Maybe you should both go by your middle names.

Melissa and I broke up less than three hours ago,

MELISSA: (KNOCKING ON DOOR) Todd, come on.

MILLER: Go ahead.

MILLER: Graham crackers? Yes! CAROL: Yeah.

MILLER: Here comes the crackers.

MILLER: I love camping.

MILLER: My Care Bear.

MILLER: That was cute.

MILLER: What kind of chocolate do you want?

Mmm, Phil. Oh, there you go, you big camper.

Move in with me. Huh? A little bachelor pad action.

Multiple periodicals have named it one of the top 10 places to retire.

My supersonic rocket ship

My supersonic ship's at your disposal

My surprise, which this guy just spoil alerted.

Nice job, Tandy, this is a really good start.

No need, Tandy. Phil already fixed it.

No speeches, all in favor of Phil being president, raise your hand.

No, I said, "I do love you."

No, I think the fact that you think you're president is crap.

No, I'm Phil Miller.

No, no, no, I just don't want you to be the president.

No, no. I'm not.

No, wait! What? What were you gonna say? (YELLS) What were you gonna say?

No.

Nobody else? No, like, same sex showers,

Nobody wants me out there.

Not as simple as me, though.

Not bad, huh?

Nothing. Damn it.

Number one, you're making a huge ass out of yourself. Huh?

Number two, I didn't knock it over, so give it a rest, okay?

Obviously, mi casa es tu casa.

Of course.

Oh, babe, I hate to go

Oh, Carol.

Oh, I am... I'm a simple girl.

Oh, look! The US Constitution. Been meaning to frame that.

Oh, man. Pilbasian? Pfft!

Oh, my God. That was amazing.

Oh, my God...

Oh, no, no. I don't have anything to say. Well, I guess I should ask,

Oh, nonsense! You could just stay here.

Oh, nothing, other than blowing the best thing that ever happened to me.

Oh, shoot. Shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot.

Oh, so you're gonna believe him?

Oh, speaking of snakes. What do you think of this bad boy? Huh?

Oh, Tandy, now's not a good time.

Oh, thanks, man.

Oh, that'd be so sweet.

Oh, wow. But nothing too fancy. I'm a simple guy.

Oh, yeah, I'm sure she loves it, you know.

Oh, yeah. Of course.

Oh, you friggin' come in here and try to impress everybody

Oh, you know what I'm talking about.

Oh, you know, if it's food you're after, I can make you a real home cooked meal.

Oh, you know, riding around in the garbage truck sort of inspired me to build this.

Oh, you mean, like, "This town's not big enough for the two of us"?

Oh, you're welcome.

Oh! I kind of thought you already did.

Oh! Oh!

Oh! So you think the American system of government is crap.

Oh! Something happened.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. I knew two days' worth of supplies wouldn't be enough,

Oh. Phil built it for the cow. Isn't it nice?

Okay, and I'm gonna tell you something one first time, okay?

Okay, everybody, just look in the direction of that lamp...

Okay, fine. Fine.

Okay, I get it.

Okay, I think we've had enough of this president crap.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. If I ration this out, it'll last about three days.

Okay. Yeah, sure.

One person at a time...

Ooh, someone's jealous!

Or African American. Or American.

Or do you think Phil really wants to sleep with Melissa?

Or should I say Mr. Spoiler Alert?

Ow.

Phil and I are just trying to get this icemaker working.

Phil, what are you doing? We called a truce.

Phil, what's your middle name?

PHIL: But, Carol... Fine.

PHIL: Cock a doodle doo!

PHIL: I wish you guys had been there to see it.

PHIL: Previously on The Last Man on Earth...

PHIL: Well, he was... CAROL: Phil. Seatbelt.

PHIL: What? CAROL: Please put on your seatbelt.

Phil.

Phil. How can you say that?

Phoenix is beautiful, too.

Put a log on the fire, get those mosquitoes away, Phil!

Put it high up in the tree so the bears can't get to it.

Radiant.

Really? (LAUGHS)

Respect. This is Tandy Land, and he knows it.

Riding on the back of that truck, wind in your hair, hooting and hollering.

Scarf looks good.

See, it's funny how sweaty you can get working on an ice machine.

Sex with who?

She provides milk to us and in return,

She wandered up here on her own.

She's classless and annoying and uptight and stupid

Shoot, you can make a cow do just about anything if you show her who's boss.

Side by side

So I just wanted to drop this off.

So kiss me and smile for me

So now I see that exposing my genitals to Phil was just a massive misfire.

So stupid, why'd you do that?

So stupid.

So unless any of you want to get off your butts

So we cool?

So we should all be thanking him.

So what do you say we start over?

So what'd you plant?

So where should we go?

So you admit to having sex with Phil?

So you just front loop it here. Right.

So you ready to go check out your farm?

So, Carol, uh, is there anything you want to tell me?

So, hey, what do you guys think, huh? And be honest.

So, I've been tinkering around, set up some solar panels

So, Phil... So where you gonna live?

So, things are good. They really are. Things are really good.

So, uh, how was your little trip over to see Phil last night?

So, we're even.

So, what then we just have an empty pool?

So, what'd you want to talk to me about, bud?

So, why's it living up here now?

So...

Speaking of crafty hands, what's that there?

Speech, speech!

Stupid.

Sure, yeah. Let's do it. Yeah, do it, yeah.

Sure.

Take a good look, Tandy.

Take it easy, Tom.

Tandy Farms is open for business!

Tandy knocked over the lamp and Tandy's gonna pick it up.

Tandy, did you really write me a song?

Tandy, what are you getting at?

Tandy!

Tandy!

Tandy.

Tandy...

Tell me that you'll wait for me

Thank you so much, Phil. That was amazing.

Thank you, Care Bear.

Thank you.

Thanks for the scarf.

Thanks so much for the pie.

Thanks, ladies.

That direction is you.

That goes without saying.

That have been collecting rays all day, feeding a battery.

That kind of points your eyes down to your business.

That serenade our sadness

That was required by you to have sex with you.

That's a statement move right there.

That's all I've ever wanted!

That's all you were doing?

That's because you and I were trying to make a baby.

That's classless. I mean, how dare her!

That's for sure.

That's funny.

That's my whole thing!

That's not dumb. It's beautiful, look at that.

That's not true

That's not what I was going to say. But fine. Bye, Todd.

That's President Tandy to you.

That's what I came to tell you.

That's why I planted my own garden, but it's just not enough.

That's why I wrote you a song.

The flash heater connects to the water reservoir. I jacked up the water pressure.

The garbage pool is clean. Thanks to Phil.

Then I guess this is... (SCREAMING)

Then we take him out to the desert and just leave him out there.

There is no Tandy here.

They asked him to help fix their broken generator.

They headed home, but they say thank you.

They say it makes the waves

This is a good body, right?

This is about Carol.

This is all Phil's fault, okay?

This isn't about the power, is it?

To Carol.

To Carol. That lucky B word.

To do this.

Todd, don't worry.

Todd, I'm so sorry.

Todd, this has got to stop.

Todd. I never would've gone through with it.

Too many people

Toot, toot! (CLICKS TONGUE)

Trust you've had a chance to take a look around, huh?

Try to kick me out of Tucson?

Trying to bring everyone power so they'll all bow down at the altar of Phil.

Tucson is pretty much the worst place to sustain human life.

Two days of supplies.

Ugh, who cares about materialistic things? Yeah.

Ugly model looking dude right in front of my face?

Uh, I sure did, Melissa. I found some good forgivable Tucson land,

Wait a minute, you drove me out to the desert.

Wait, are you saying we're gonna get real electricity to the cul de sac?

Wait, what the heck is that?

Walking around with his stupid tools.

Want to talk about stuff?

We all agreed we want to call a truce.

We all had a wonderful time.

We got the weight bench. We can spot each other.

We got to kill this guy.

We got to kill this guy.

We thank her by locking her up like Charles Manson.

We the people! Ha!

We way cool. Mondo cool.

We'll just go over there, ask him if he wants to go for a ride,

We're all hotsy totsy for the new Phil Miller.

We're all sitting around the campfire. And Gail's playing her accordion.

We're done, Melissa. I dump you.

We're here, Mr. President, because Tandy here

Well played, Carol. Well played.

Well, all it takes is a firm slap and an authoritative tone,

Well, all right

Well, Carol, I'm getting at this.

Well, good, problem solved.

Well, goodbye, Carol.

Well, goodbye, Tandy.

Well, great. Well, the next vote is in four years, so...

Well, how could you have known?

Well, I might just take you up on that offer 'cause I am very, very dirty.

Well, I think Phil's gonna be a very positive addition to our community.

Well, I was about to take a shower, too.

Well, I'd throw my hat in the ring.

Well, I'll keep that in mind.

Well, if anyone can do it, you can.

Well, isn't that the pot calling the kettle black.

Well, it's true. But I didn't do it.

Well, let me, uh... (CLEARS THROAT)

Well, let's not count our chickens before they hatch.

Well, looks like we have a new president.

Well, screw the moon

Well, that's weird, because it was making this horrible, horrible sound.

Well, there's a lot about me you don't know.

Well, Todd's been wrong about a lot of stuff lately.

Well, what about New Phil?

Well, would this make it a better time? For you.

Well, you know, uh, this cul de sac's pretty full,

Well... I will get out of your hair.

Were you gonna kill me, Tandy?

What a set of crafty hands you got.

What about first thing in the morning?

What are you compensating for, dude?

What are you doing here?

What are you doing, Tandy?

What are you talking about, Tandy?

What are you talking about?

What are you trying to say?

What gives, roomie?

What good's the moon

What happened? What did he do?

What is happening here?

What?

What? You figured out how to get hot showers?

What's all this?

What's all this?

What's going on here?

What's up, buddy?

What's your problem with me?

What's... What's that, Carol?

Where are we gonna put all our garbage?

Whew.

Whoa! You know what? I know how that sentence is gonna end.

Whoo hoo! Faster! Hey, Todd!

Whoo!

Whoo!

Why did you guys choose to live in Tucson?

Why don't you go put some clothes on?

Why not? I mean, I made some...

With all your skills that pay the bills.

With his big mouth.

With the condom inside conspicuously missing.

Wonderful universities, great zoo,

Wow.

Y'all are welcome to use it anytime you want to.

Yeah, 'cause I do.

Yeah, but you don't love me.

Yeah, I can't find anything wrong with this thing.

Yeah, I can't find anything wrong with this thing.

Yeah, okay, yeah, yeah. This is all making sense to me.

Yeah, um...

Yeah, well, if you ladies will excuse me, I'm gonna go take a hot shower.

Yeah, when you showed up, I kind of reared up on my haunches

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. (LAUGHS) And that's not all. Here. Got you this.

Yeah. I'm working on another little "situ ash" right now.

Yeah. Look, hey, it's easy.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I did. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Huge ass.

Yes, it is, and even if it wasn't, none of you seem to be interested in the responsibility.

Yes.

You already have moved on.

You always want what you can't have.

You are a toilet paper corn dog.

You can do this! You can do this!

You can make a cow do whatever you want.

You go. You go.

You had a brother? I didn't know that.

You have a good time with the garbage man?

You know what they say. Bros before hoes.

You know what?

You know where I found this?

You know you just said it, you said, "I love you."

You know, he knows this is my land.

You know, I haven't had fresh food in two years.

You know, I mean, this isn't, you know, really about us.

You know, I'm just trying to see if I can get these solar panels hooked up.

You know, just going about my customary business in my own house.

You know, just Todd had said that you had all done something else.

You know, now that you got the goll dang cow out of my house,

You know, the necessities.

You made a mistake, but everyone knows you didn't mean it.

You need any help or...

You need me.

You noticed.

You noticed.

You okay?

You see it, I've doused it. And he knows that.

You should be with us.

You were gonna leave Todd in the desert?

You were nowhere there to be seen?

You're a real special lady.

You're done here, Tandy.

You're good, you're fine, all right?

You're just gonna leave me out here?

You're staying with me?

You're welcome. You know, I just want to say

'Cause I used to be a chef. (METAL CLANGING)

'Cause it seems like you do. Well, maybe that's 'cause I do.

(CLICKS TONGUE) Todd, come on. What?

(MILLER CHUCKLES) MELISSA: Wow!

(MUSIC PLAYING SOFTLY) Five, six!

(PANTING) Todd, what's the matter?

(SCOFFS) Yeah, let's go. MILLER: Let's do it.

Aah! Damn it. Dropped another stitch. Oh, that's okay.

And also, he's gonna kill you, Phil. (CAROL GASPS)

Are those little kitties? CAROL: Yeah.

Back me up here, Todd. Okay, you know what? That's enough.

Bravo. Thanks, Tandy.

Carol? Do you like this guy? You jealous?

Come here. Oh.

Come on, let's go after her. Okay.

Do you have a problem with me? No, I don't.

Don't hang out with him. What?

ERICA: Almost. Yup, right there!

GAIL: What? Wow!

Good for you. All right.

Good work. Yeah.

Growing fresh foods. Fantastic.

He was so impressed with me. (MUSIC PLAYING SOFTLY)

Hello, Carol. Oh! Hi, Tandy.

Hey, Carol. Oh, hi.

Hey, guys. Hey.

Hey! Hey!

Hey. Hey.

I can't believe I got to take a shower. MILLER: Yeah.

I could have my kitchen back. Lamps.

I did that. Nope. No, you didn't.

I did. Yeah. Good, good.

I see what you did there. You do?

I was just helping Phil. Oh, yeah?

I'm a cat man, myself. Love cats.

I'm gonna try. So the plugs will work again?

I've said too much. MILLER: Whoa, guys.

It's Todd. All right, Tom.

Knock, knock? Hey.

Let's go right now. Let's go right now.

Let's go. Yeah, sure.

Maybe my hands are too big for this. No, you got it.

MILLER: Yeah. Bye. Bye.

Mmm. He said he's even gonna

No, I really mean it. I'd never questioned that.

No, no. No, bro. (COW MOOING)

No. We're good. We?

No... For the surprise, but that's all I'll say.

Not really. No.

Now I know. Now you know! Ha!

Of course not. Good night, Tandy.

Oh, I feel you. Yeah.

Oh, my God! MELISSA: Oh, my God!

Oh, my God. I never...

Oh, now put the food in the bear box. The food's in the box, baby.

Oh, so you're serious. Get out of here.

Oh, Tandy... All right, all right, I've heard enough.

Oh, there wasn't a wedding, Tandy. Really, Carol?

Oh! (LAUGHS)

Okay, it's not a big deal, I'll... No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Okay. Multiple periodicals, not just one.

Okay. Yeah, just a real gumbo of sounds.

Okay. Thank you, Carol. (GIGGLES) Hmm.

Okay. Yeah. Yeah! Great.

Phil. You changed your nails up?

Phil's been missing for about 24 hours. (SHOUTS) No!

Pick up my lamp. (GASPS)

Simple food. MILLER: Much appreciated.

So cute. MILLER: Yeah.

So you were gonna do it. But I didn't.

So, farm? Yeah.

Stop what? Don't you see what's happening?

Tandy. Tandy?

Thank you. You're welcome.

That guy's handsome. I like you.

That's the same thing. No, it's way different.

There you are. Tandy.

They used to call me Simple Gail. Oh!

This guy belong to you? Oh, my God.

TODD: Hey. Hey.

Todd... I'm Tandy. No, man

Uh huh. I'm a large to extra large.

Uh, so that's proof. Tandy, stop.

Water. CAROL: That's what I've been saying.

We have plenty of room here. So, so much room.

Well, now I know. Now you know.

What an absolute zero. What a dip.

What are you doing? I figure I should, um...

What? What?

Who wants to go see a genuine farm? TODD: Tandy!

Yeah, he told me so this morning. That's not a backup, bro.

Yeah, it is. Way out of reach.

Yeah? Yeah.

Yeah. So we have that in common.

Yeah. It was like... Hong... Clang.

Yes. Absolutely.

You did? Yeah. It's called, uh, "Carol."

You know what this little number is? It's a condom wrapper.

You okay? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You should move in with us. Well, uh... (CLEARS THROAT)

'Cause Carol's a real special lady.

'Cause I do. (CHUCKLES)

'cause I don't seem to remember getting an invitation to the wedding.

'Cause I invented it.

'Cause I seem to recall some sacred pledge

'Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane

'Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane...

"Hey, I'm Phil, look at all my muscles."

(ACCORDION PLAYING)

(ALL GASPING AND SQUEALING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

(ALL SINGING) He's blowing his horn

(BEEPING)

(CAROL HOWLING)

(CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLING) Well, that's funny,

(CHUCKLING) Wow. I'm blown away.

(CLEARS THROAT)

(CLEARS THROAT)

(CLEARS THROAT)

(COW MOOS)

(ENGINE REVVING)

(ENGINE SPUTTERING)

(ERICA AND GAIL LAUGH)

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

(FORCED CHUCKLE) Well, you took off your shirt yesterday.

(FORCED LAUGHTER)

(GASPS) She's going down the stairs!

(GIGGLES)

(GRUNTING)

(GRUNTS)

(HUMMING)

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS) Phil. So new, so naive.

(MILLER GRUNTING)

(MIMICS EXPLOSION)

(PHIL READING)

(SCOFFS) Carol, look around you!

(SCOFFS) Oldest trick in the book.

(SHOUTS)

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS) Just worried about Tandy.

(SINGING) They say the moon is to wish on

(SOBBING)

(SOFTLY) We got to kill him.

(SONG PLAYING)

(SPUTTERS)

(STAMMERING) No... Come on.

(STAMMERING) You want to be the president, huh?

(STAMMERS) Thanks a lot, Mr. President.

(STAMMERS) Well, I would like to give a speech.

(STEAD Y BEEPING)

(TRUCK DOOR OPENS, CLOSES)

(WHEEZES)

(WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY)

(WHISPERING) Okay, let's see what we got here.

(WHISPERS) Come on.

(WHISPERS) Friggin' Phil.

(WHISPERS) You got this! You look good! You got a fine bod!

(WHOOPING)

(YELLS IN FRUSTRATION)