Actually, l have a lot on my plate today, John.
All l did was give you the raft.
All l do all day is watch Judge Joe Brown and piss myself.
All right, kid. Everybody's a winner
And l have been mostly drug free ever since.
And some kids at school told me that there's no Santa Claus.
And we spent the entire night trying to find you.
And Woodcock's kinda sexy, you know.
And work you like a puppet!
Are you OK?
Asshole!
Ate the entire Christmas dinner through a straw that year.
Because either l already know the answer...
Big old titties
Chapter 2. You're totally right.
Come on, Farley, let's saddle up.
Do you see those teeth?
Don't believe in myself, my ass!
Excuse me, may l have your attention?
Farley, l brought you some daisies.
Fine. My mom wants to date that asshole, she can go right ahead.
Get me a pitcher!
God knows you could use a little trim.
Ha ha ha. And here we are!
Ha ha ha. Dudes!
He could have sent me to the principal, but no.
He's the best.
Henderson, is there a reason why your shoe is untied?
Hey, see if she has a pool!
Hi, John!
How long you been staking out his house?
How To Get Past Your Past.
How's it going? ls the book tour good?
Jasper.
John, you can't just start saying something and then stop.
Keep it going. Look there. Look at them go.
L could fly in tomorrow and surprise her. lt's perfect.
L don't know about you...
L have been carting around your damn luggage since Denver!
L have to get to the airport.
L just want to say l'm l'm sorry...
L let him take me out of my game.
L thought about it...
L was trying to surprise your mother with a new house.
L'll take credit for it.
L'm l'm sorry. l gotta go.
L'm doing research... for my next book.
L'm gonna kill Woodcock
L'm just venting here. ls that OK? ls it OK if a guy vents?
L've seen better shooting at the special Olympics.
Lf you are ready, then get set...
Look, he hates children.
Looks like he got a little retard in him.
Lt may not prove Woodcock's cheating...
Lt's not in my book, Nedderman.
Maybe there is a human being hiding in there somewhere.
Mom, what are you doing?
Mr. Woodcock found a brick of marijuana in my locker.
Mr. Woodcock?
Must be my lucky day
Nedderman.
No talking, Nedderman. 10 laps.
No, l don't really eat that stuff anymore.
No, l want to know!
No, l won't! My mom needs me!
No.
Not even one pull up, Farley?
Now!
Oh, all right. Um...
Oh, really? OK, we'll do it your way, then.
Oh, yeah?
Oh.
OK, l'll see you later, Dad.
OK, Mommy time's over.
Or you threw a tantrum..
Or you're not getting that cheesy bread!
Ow!
Palumbo, are you crippled and deaf?
Please welcome, via satellite from Forest Meadow, Nebraska...
Quit whining, you pussy.
Really?
Really? That's great, man.
Rhetorical question, Woodcock!
Rhetorical, Farley. l already know the answer.
Robinson, go dump a bedpan.
Run!
Say, listen, what are you doing tonight? Do you want to, uh um...
Schwartz, you better fight your way...
So l'm doing laps at the Y and he's in the next lane...
Sodomites.
Sorry, Mom. Book tour emergency.
Stop the cab! Stop!
Thank you, Mr. Woodcock.
That's my realtor, you moron.
That's so sad.
That's why it's called my past.
The biggest asshole on the planet?
The only reason l'm still standing...
Then we're ready to face life's challenges.
There it is.
Think about it, Nedderman.
To take a night off anyway, huh? Ha ha ha!
Totally right.
Uh, if everyone would, uh...would grab a seat...
Uh, same as you, actually.
Uh!
Uh!
Unbelievable!
Well, looks like you could stand...
Well, yeah. lt's a farm town...
What is that, Canadian bacon?
What?
When you hear about this, you're gonna want to take me...
Who is that?
Why? Do you know Jasper?
Woodcock doesn't deserve her.
Wow.
Yeah, after years of his abuse...
Yeah, it's really, really good, John.
Yeah.
Yes, l do...
You have indoor plumbing in here, right?
You have my blessing.
You know he killed Oates?
You know what? Call them back.
You know, to help with my wheezing.
You remember me now, don't you?
You see, in my class, Farley...
You'll end up writing your name..
You're not that kid that got the squirts...
Yup. He cheated on his ex wife. That's why they got divorced.
10 seconds left!
Come on. Never mind, never mind.
Excuse us! Hey! Oh!
Feel the love! l don't want to black out again.
He's cheating on my mom! Johnny, sit down right now.
John? You go back in there!
Keep letting go. John! John!
Mr. Farley? Oh, sure. How you doing?
No, l won't! Go in there and sell that goddamn book!
Really? No.
That is so true. Hm.
That's awesome. No!
That's enough, Farley. l'm sorry, Mom.
we'll see you in the morning. Great
What a great idea. Yeah.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! No, no, no! Sink or swim!
Woodcock. Woodcock.
You haven't eaten. l l'll grab something on the way.
''Corn eating Corntest.''
''Mr. Woodcock is one of the best teachers.